5 Ways to Fix Your Relationship NOW – Even If It Feels Really Far Gone

I have many clients who come to me and say that they are still in love with their partner but that they are finding it harder and harder to stay that way. They are sad and lonely and desperate to change.

Fortunately, and unfortunately, most relationships are the same. They go through good times and bad. And the bad times are all very similar, standard even, in their issues. And because the issues are standard, they are identifiable and easy to address.

Here is my latest – 5 Ways to Fix Your Relationship NOW – Even If It Feels Really Far Gone.

#1 – Stop snipping.

Imagine walking into a room and seeing a friend and asking them how they are doing. How do you THINK I am doing, they respond, nastily. I have been cooking and cleaning all day and where have you been? Would that person be your friend for long? Probably not.

Stop for a minute and consider whether you ever speak that way to your partner. Maybe? Probably? Well, stop it!

Snipping gets us nowhere. It might make us feel good in the moment but all it really does is make the other person shut down. And feel bad about themselves and you.

Next time try this when asked by your partner how you are doing. I am stressed out. I have too much to do and feel overwhelmed. Can you help me?

I can guarantee you positive results – both in getting the needed help and in not adding any more fuel to the fire of resentment.

#2 – Don’t make assumptions.

Life is busy and there is a lot to be done. Chores around the house, time spent with friends, exercise regimes, demands from the kids. And it’s easy to just assume that it’s all going to fit into a day.

We all know, but seem to forget, that this is not the case. There are only 24 hours in a day and only so much that can get done.

It is very important that you both agree on what those things need to be.

I have a client who struggles most with her husband over the weekends. She has a list for him on Saturday morning and she knows that when he is done with that list there will be more for him to do.

My client’s husband wants to make his wife happy and sets out to do the list but gets distracted by tossing the ball with his child, a pre-planned bike ride with friends, that engine that needs to be tinkered with or even something else that his spouse proposes. The list doesn’t get done. And she gets pissed. And he gets defensive and everything falls apart.

I suggested that on Saturday morning she and her spouse discuss their expectations for the day and get them clearly defined. What does she REALLY need done? What does he feel he can get done? What does he want to do outside of chores?

If everyone agrees up front then no one gets let down or screamed at for not getting things done. And if that doesn’t happen then Saturday night is a much better place. A place for making love not war.

#3 – Don’t take everything personally.

My husband’s only job this weekend was to find us windows for our house renovation, my client announced to me one session. He didn’t. If he loved me he would have made it happen.

Sound familiar? If he loved me he would….

So I have to say it: this concept is total shit and the reason so many marriages fall apart.

My client’s husband didn’t get the windows chosen not because he didn’t love her. He didn’t get the windows chosen because he got a work call and had to deal with that and then lunch happened and then his son needed him and then it was naptime and then he just forgot.

There is a big difference between him not getting it done because he doesn’t love her and what actually happened.

So DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. It’s really not all about you.

#4 – Learn each other’s love language.

I truly believe that the best tool in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. Go to Amazon right now and download it onto your Kindle.

The premise behind his book is that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when it is done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language they don’t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, focusing on me. My ex-husbands’ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Languages at www.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a quiz that you and your partner can both complete and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

#5 – Fool Around and Laugh.

Yes, I know it always comes down to sex for me. I know. I do believe that it is a huge part of any healthy relationship. Sex provides intimacy and connection that makes your relationship with your partner different from the relationship that you have with any other person on earth. It’s definitely important.

But it’s not ALL that is important.

Couples need to laugh together, to have fun together. So much time is spent with the family business and the outside world that we tend to lose track of that person we proclaim is the most important to us.

Remember when you were falling in love? All of the time that was spent laughing? What made you laugh together back then? Can you go back to those things and do them again now? Or is there something new?

Whatever it is that makes you laugh do it! And do it together.

Personally, one of my favorite relationships ever was with a man I laughed with WHILE we were making love. Rolling around, being intimate and laughing together kept us deeply connected to each other. Our relationship had to end but we are still friends and look back on those times together as pure magic.

So there you go – my 5 Ways to Fix Your Relationship NOW.

Ask any single person what it is they long for most in this world and they will say that it’s to be in a relationship. If you are in one you are very lucky. If you are in one that is struggling, fix it. Because you are very lucky to have it. And you will miss it if, and when, it goes.

So take a moment right now to take stock of your relationship. Does it need fixing? If yes, take my list, grab your partner, and start making it happen!

Looking for more ways to fix your relationship? Contact me and I can help!

 

 

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways to Lose 5 Lbs Quickly – Even if it Seems Impossible

Over the past year I have noticed a thickening around my stomach. I am tall and lean and am lucky that my weight is fairly constant so this thickening concerned me. At first I attributed it to menopause and thought that I would have to live with it forever but I wasn’t too happy about that prospect so I did some research.

What did I learn? My weight gain wasn’t from menopause. And I could fix it. So I did.

Here is my latest – 5 Ways to Lose 5 Lbs Quickly – Even if it Seems Impossible.

#1 – Cut the Sugar

I know I know. Easier said than done. But seriously, if you can even reduce the sugar in your diet the weight will fall off.

I have very little sugar in my diet. Eating it makes me feel sick so I tend to avoid it. I do have to admit, however, to an addiction to coconut water and KIND bars. I travel a lot and they are very convenient so I consume them regularly. On average one large bottle of coconut water and 1 KIND bar (at least) a day.

The first step to my weight loss was cutting those things from my diet. I cut nothing else. I still eat Tostitos and french fries and Pad Thai. I just don’t do coconut water and KIND bars.

In 2 weeks, just not eating sugar, a lot of that thick stuff around my waist evaporated.

Just by not eating sugar.

#2 – Increase the Fiber

A recent study showed people who added more fiber to their diet, without changing anything else, lost almost as much weight as people on a heart healthy, low fat eating plan.

Without changing anything else.

Women should aim for about 25 grams of fiber a day, men 38 grams. Most Americans get half as much as that.

Why does fiber help with weight loss? Because it makes you feel fuller and you eat less. Eating a baked potato, with the skin, will keep you feel full longer than a bag of potato chips because of the increased fiber.

So how can you increase the fiber in your diet? Easy. Some food high in fiber: legumes, peas, raspberries, avocados, pears, broccoli, and oatmeal. Personally, I added 1 cup of peas to my lunchtime meal and it made a huge difference for my mid-afternoon hunger pangs.

#3 – Get Your Heart Rate Up

I know. When you read this one you will just want to throw in the towel right away. Images of gym memberships and Pilates classes are enough to send you to the fridge for a pint of ice cream.

Don’t be daunted. Really, it’s not that hard to get your heart rate up.

Studies show that the average person needs 30 minutes of sustained exercise 5 times a week to increase the body’s weight burning capacity.

30 minutes. That’s nothing.

How about a stroll with your hubby after dinner, dancing around the living room with your kids, walking the dog in the morning before you head out to work. Maybe even a jog with girlfriends if you feel like it. Or an evening bike ride.

Really, all the things that you used to do as a kid. Just do them now as an adult. For 30 minutes, 5 days a week.

No gym memberships required.

#4 – Sleep

Did you know that not sleeping well can have a huge effect on your weight?

When we are tired in the morning we are more likely to turn to sugar laden lattes and pastries to wake ourselves up. And when we are groggy in the afternoon we tend to reach for comfort food to get us through the rest of the day. Conversely, if you wake up refreshed after a good night’s sleep you tend to greet the day in a positive way. Perhaps a healthy breakfast and then a walk for the dog and off you go for your day.

Lack of sleep also affects your metabolism. Your body’s ability to properly use insulin is affected, sometimes by as much as 30%. When this happens your body stores fat in all of the wrong places. Not the goal.

The goal is sleep. 7-9 hours a night. I know, you have a lot of TV to watch. But try it. See what happens if you get enough sleep. You might like it.

#5 – Reduce Stress

Did you know that stress is a killer for weight loss, even if you are eating right and exercising regularly? Why?

For two reasons. The first is that the stress hormone Cortisol has been shown to increase the appetite, particularly for foods that are high in saturated fats and sugar. The other is that stress, like sleep, interferes in insulin regulation and more of the food we eat gets turned into fat.

So look where you can reduce stress in your life. This past year my life has been very stressful. I was in a relationship that wasn’t serving me and I was really suffering. Right around the time I decided to lose the weight I extracted myself from the relationship. My stress evaporated (mostly).

And with it those 5 Lbs….

So there is my latest – 5 Ways to Lose 5 Lbs Quickly.

I don’t think there are many of us out there who don’t struggle with our weight in one way or another. Millions of dollars are spent on gym memberships and fad diets every year.

But losing weight doesn’t have to be daunting or expensive. Try these few tweaks. See what happens. Lose those 5 lbs.

For me the 5 lbs lost has made a world of difference. Eating those peas and taking my 30 minute walk every day are things that I look forward to because doing them actually FEELS healthy. I didn’t feel so lumpy in those summer dresses that I pulled from the back of the closet. And I had my bikini on by the pool today. I am SO glad I did that research and made an effort to change.

Perhaps feeling just a little bit lighter will change YOUR life in more ways than one. Or 5….

Looking for more ways to lose some weight? Contact me and I can help.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Reasons to Do The Thing That You Think You Can Not Do – Even if it Scares You

Last weekend I willingly put myself at the top of Mt. Katahdin, one of the highest mountains in the eastern US, with an elevation of 5267 feet. As I stood there on top of this pile of rocks and looked across at the mile long traverse called the Knife’s Edge that I was about to cross I thought to myself “There is no way I can do this.”

But I had to. There was no turning back. I had just slogged 4 miles up over 5 foot boulders and there was no way I was going back down those things.

So I took it one step at a time and managed to make it across in one piece.

How did I feel at the other side? Incredible!

Doing things that scare us can be daunting and, because we usually have a choice to turn back, we often do. But after doing something that scared me, something I had no choice but to do,  I realized that doing it changed my life in many ways.

And that is what I want to share with you today. How to change your life.

Here is my latest – 5 Reasons to Do The Thing That You Think You Can Not Do – Even if it Scares You.

#1 – Do it to have some fun.

You know how you feel at the top of a roller coaster? You are strapped in and you have been slowly rising to the crest of the rails and there you sit for a moment. Anticipating. And scared as *%&$. And then you are off.

You soar down, over and around the rails, screaming and scared and oh so very exhilarated. Your adrenaline is pumping and your face is smiling. You feel very much alive.

And having fun!

I have a client who had always ridden behind her husband on their jet ski at the river. The prospect of driving it scared her and she was perfectly willing to be a passenger. After her divorce she decided to try things that had always scared her and that included driving the jet ski on her own. So she did.

And? You guessed it. She loved it. Her kids have to fight her for it every time they visit.

#2 – Do it to challenge your assumptions.

I never assumed that I couldn’t climb that mountain, which is why I put myself up there, but my client did assume that she couldn’t drive a jet ski. After she proved to herself that she could in fact drive it she started to question what other assumptions she had made about her life that were false.

My client had always questioned her ability to run her own business so she had never tried and had always worked for other people. At this point in her life she just didn’t want to do that anymore and wanted to go out on her own.

Because she started challenging her own assumptions she challenged the one that she couldn’t work for herself. Together we created and implemented a step-by-step plan to get her out of her office and into the world. Within a year she was running a health and wellness business out of her home and she was living the life of her dreams.

#3 – Do it to prove to yourself that you can do anything.

One of the things that happens to us over time, as we age and experience disappointment and regret, is that we lose the belief in ourselves that we can actually do things, big things or small. Because we have failed before we believe that we will always fail.

Doing something that scares you will prove this to not be true.

I have a client who wanted to move out of her dark, cramped apartment but she truly believed that she would NEVER be able to do so. She hired me to help her in this endeavor and, while she worked diligently to achieve that goal, we still had the conversation a few times a week about how she couldn’t pull it off. That it would actually kill her.

Fuess what? It didn’t actually kill her. She now has a new apartment which she purchased on her own that she loves. Accomplishing her goal allowed her to start believing in herself again.

Last weekend she was invited to spend the weekend with old high school friends who hadn’t seen each other in 20 years. As they each told the stories of their life my client froze up, as she always does in such situations, because she was ashamed of the story of her life.

And then, because she believed in herself for once, she unfroze and told these women her story. And it was wonderful. They listened and accepted her and loved her even more for doing so.

Wow!

#4 – Do it to conquer fear.

I have a client who read Jaws under her bed-covers with a flashlight at the age of 8. And then at 16 she saw the movie. Because of this my client lived with a debilitating fear of the water. She couldn’t go in the sea, a lake, a pond or sometimes even a pool out of fear of what might be in there that would nibble at her toes.

Living with this fear had had a big effect on her life. She and her family had traveled the world and she had missed out on many adventures because she had avoided the water. Her family had swum with dolphins in Mexico, kayaked with whales in Washington, snorkeled with sharks in Thailand and she had missed out on all of it.

One Christmas, while visiting the Caribbean, my client watched as her family ventured out on yet another snorkeling adventure without her. She would sit in the boat and take pictures. Again.

“Wait,” she thought. “Not this time.” And without thinking too hard about it she donned the snorkel gear and accompanied her children into the water. They stuck by her side for a few minutes but then she shooed them off because she was entranced by what she was seeing under the sea. Fishes! Beautiful fishes! And they weren’t biting her toes or menacing her in any way. How about that?

My client returned back home a changed woman. She had conquered THE biggest fear of her life. She set out to conquer others and she did and still does.

My client is always telling me that knowing she can conquer her fear has given her a freedom she never thought she would have in her life. How great is that?

#5 – Do it to change your life.

Okay, so you have had some fun, challenged your assumptions, reminded yourself that you can do anything and conquered your fears. What’s next? Do you think you are just going to back to your old way of life? One built on fear, indecision and insecurity.

Of course you aren’t. You are going to take your newfound skills and self-awareness and go out and change your stars.

Because my client decided to take the step to move out of her apartment her life has changed in so many ways. She had lived in fear so she never put herself out there to have fun. Now she plays in an orchestra, goes to church and has started to date. Because she assumed that she was unlovable she cut herself off from friends and family. Now she knows that she is very lovable and she is letting them all back in again. Because she proved to herself that she could actually do it when she set her mind to moving she has set her mind to the fact that she wants to be an accountant and will pursue that goal at all costs.

Did I mention that my client is 68 years old? She decided that she wasn’t going to live in her dark apartment anymore, set her mind to a change and ultimately changed her life.

If she can do it you can too!

So there you go, my 5 Reasons to Do The Thing That You Think You Can Not Do.

Eleanor Roosevelt said “You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face…Do the thing that you think you cannot do.”

Do it today. Think of one thing that you think you can not do and get determined to do it. Figure out what you need to do to do it. Set a goal for when you will get it done. Tell someone you are going to do it. And then do it. Don’t TRY to do it. Do it.

It will change your life.

You can do it! I know you can.

Looking for other reasons to do that thing you can not do? Contact me and I can help.

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Steps to Letting Go of Love – Even When Your Heart is Breaking

If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, letting go of love is the most horrible feeling in the world. There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love – the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Letting go of love is not easy but it is possible. Just follow these steps and before you know it you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and move on with your life.

Here is my latest – 5 Steps to Letting Go of Love – Even When Your Heart is Breaking.

#1 – Ask yourself how determined you are to do this.

Before you begin any life changing process you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren’t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a yes then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

#2 – Cut him off.

I know that we all think that we need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?

So when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

#3- Ask yourself what it is that you need to let go of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

I have a client who was ready to let go of a man who she loved very much but who she knew wasn’t the man for her and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

I asked her to look at it like an onion, an onion where feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

For my client it was anger. She was angry at her man for the way he had treated and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. That was her first layer. She had to deal with the anger.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. It had all seemed so promising at the beginning and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn’t go back to what it was. But she knew it couldn’t and she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, we decided, wasn’t actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn’t have a future together but their past, their experiences together, how she felt about him, was something that she wanted to hold on to. Not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn’t hold her back from moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

Need some help letting going of love? I can help. Just let me know….

#4 – Ask yourself what is true and what you have made up in your head.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so much – they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted and if her boyfriend loved her enough he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn’t realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful there was NO WAY she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock and didn’t want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn’t want, and stack them up next to what she did want, her hopes and dreams. When she did she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge she was one step closer to letting him go.

#5 – Ask yourself what it is you really want in a relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in relationship with you. It doesn’t have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are in the position you are now, that he won’t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can’t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

So there you go – my 5 Steps to Letting Go of Love.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions and define what you want. Before you know it you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means: Step #6 – Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn’t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt and date and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love but in the meantime you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!