5 Ways To Show Someone You TRULY Love Them

So you are in love. Isn’t it wonderful? Every day you share with your person is a new and wonderful day. You hope that you feel like this forever.

Unfortunately you won’t. That early, heady love is amazing but it’s not sustainable. Doctors say that if people felt forever the way they do in the first six months of a relationship it would actually kill them. Too many endorphins can damage the heart. Ironic no?

Fortunately, the next phase of love, the settling in for the long game, can be a wonderful thing too. If you do it right.

Here is my latest – 5 Ways To Show Someone You TRULY Love Them.

# 1- Love them as they want to be loved.

I truly believe that one of the best tool in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. Go to Amazon right now and download it onto your Kindle.

The premise behind his book is that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when they are done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language they don’t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, focusing on me. My ex-husbands’ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that too.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Language at www.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a short quiz that you and your partner can both take and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

#2 – Forgive them.

There is nothing more insidious in a relationship than not forgiving someone for a wrong. And for some reason couples who love each other are really, really good at not forgiving each other. If someone does something wrong nothing they can do will make up for that wrong. And that wrong will be played out verbally, over and over, forever.

People are only human. We do things that hurt people. Rarely do we do things to hurt someone on purpose. And yet, in relationships, we often take the thing that someone does to us so personally that we refuse to believe that they didn’t set out to hurt us. And that is unforgivable.

I have a client whose partner was so late getting home one night that he missed a date they had planned. He was delayed at work and then got stuck in traffic and it was a disaster. She took it personally. If you loved me, she said, you would have gotten home on time. And she truly believed what she said.

The reality is is that he DOES love her.  He just didn’t allow enough time. And he blew it, but he does love her. And it’s important for her to understand that. And it makes it easier to forgive. He was late. He didn’t plan well. He blew it. And he does love her.

Of course another piece of forgiveness is that the wrong-doer must apologize for the hurt caused. Because therein lies the issue that will carry forth forever – the hurt. Not so much the actions but the resulting feelings.

So don’t take things personally. And apologize for the hurt. Forgive and move on.

#3 – Support their goals.

I know it has happened to all of us that our partner comes up with some pie-in-the sky idea that is the new driving force in their lives. It’s exciting and new and all they want to talk about.

And I am sure it has happened to all of us that we think our partner’s new idea is crazy.

I remember in college my soccer-playing, skiing, manly-man of a boyfriend turned to me after a dance performance and announced that he wanted to be a dancer. I actually laughed in his face. This was 30 years ago and I still remember the hurt look in his eyes. He never became a dancer.

To this day I wish I had supported him. That’s what people who love each other do for each other. He might never had become a dancer but having the person who loved him believe in him would have been such a gift. Even better would have not being on the receiving end of my derision.

So support them. No matter what.

Want help with expressing your love? Let me help!

#4 –  Don’t be critical.

You know how you feel when you go to visit your in-laws and your mother-in-law makes some passive aggressive, disparaging comment about something you did. You know how shitty that makes you feel?  And you don’t even really like your mother-in-law.

So imagine what your partner, who loves you, must feel like when you are critical of them.

I have a client whose wife gives him the one over every time they are headed out the door. She tells him if his hair is out of place or if his shirt is right or if he is carrying the right bag for the task ahead. And while she is quick to say Your pants have a hole in them she never says You are perfect today, honey. Thank you.

My client at first tried to anticipate what his wife might want but as time went on he only felt resentment towards her criticism. He actually started not only making choices that he knew would antagonize her but he ignored whatever she mentioned at the door.

So be careful not to be critical. If you have something to say, say it with love. And if it doesn’t need to be said, don’t say it. Life will go on if his hair isn’t just right.

#5 – Never show contempt.

If there is one thing that kills love it’s contempt. Do anything that you can to keep it out of your relationship.

Contempt seems to rear its ugly head when wrongs fester, when people don’t forgive, when being critical is the norm and respect is lost.  Contempt manifests itself with derisive comments about your partner, comments about who they are as a person.

My ex-husband had a really hard time getting things done around the house. I told him, over and over, that if he was my employee I would fire him. And I wouldn’t say it in a loving way. I would say it dismissively, almost with a wave of my hand. I can only imagine how it must have felt to be on the receiving end of my contempt.

Therapists say that when they see contempt in a relationship they know that it’s close to over. So if you find yourself acting contemptuously STOP, assess and figure out what needs to be done.

Don’t let contempt kill love. Because it will.

So there you go – my 5 Ways To Show Someone You TRULY Love Them.

Of course there are the obvious ways to show someone that you love them.  You hug them and kiss them and have sex with them and tell them that they are wonderful and hang out with their friends and visit their mother. All of those things are an excellent way to show you someone you love them.

But they will have a hard time accepting your love if you aren’t willing to forgive them, if you can’t support them and are constantly critical of them. Back up your kisses with words and actions and they will know that you are the one for them.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

10 Things to Know if You Love Someone with ADD

A few months back I had to break up with someone who I loved very much because he was making me unhappy. I have spent a lot of time since then very angry and hurt because I felt like he didn’t even try.

And then this week I was doing some research on ADD for a client and it hit me – my man could very well have ADD! The behaviors that resulted from the condition made staying with him very difficult for me. And I am sure those same behaviors make living life very difficult for him. Maybe it wasn’t that he didn’t try but that he couldn’t try.

I have learned that many people are unaware of the devastating impact ADD can have on relationships. I want to share with you what I have learned.

Here is my latest – 10 Things to Know if You Love Someone with ADD.

#1 – They can’t JUST DO IT.

For those of us who don’t have ADD we can usually get something done when we buckle down, determined to do it. People with ADD just can’t do that. They can, and do, try but often a bright shiny object distracts them and the task at hand evaporates.

#2 – They might have an itch to scratch.

People with ADD can be constantly living on the edge, looking for that next thing that will make them feel something. This could mean doing drugs or having lots of sex or jumping out of airplanes. Whatever it takes for them to feel like they are alive and in control.

#3 – Their self-esteem could be at rock bottom.

Because of a lifetime spent struggling to do the most basic tasks, and the derision that often comes from other people when they feel let down, people with ADD struggle from a chronic lack of self-esteem. This lack of self-esteem can cause intense depression and actually lead to increased cognitive deficiencies.

Also, their lack of self-esteem will make it difficult for them to accept your love and support because they just won’t believe they deserve it.

Need help dealing with ADD? Let me help!

#4 – They might not be able to listen…

…or remember or keep promises and could always interrupt you.

The minds of people with ADD go a mile a minute. Much faster than many of us who don’t struggle with ADD. Because of this, they are easily distracted by the next thing, as opposed to what is in the now. As a result, they might not remember what is said to them. They want to but they can’t.

People with ADD also can forget to read texts, might not check their emails and could immediately forget when you ask them to pick up a loaf of bread on their way home.

People with ADD don’t mean to do this but they do.

#5 – The division of labor might be wildly uneven.

People with ADD struggle to complete even the most basic tasks. As a result the non-ADD person will be left doing a significant portion of things that need to be done. This can lead to frustration and resentment on the part of the non-ADD person and feelings of shame from the person struggling.

Furthermore, what can often develop is a parent/child dynamic in the relationship where the non ADD person becomes like a parent to the ADDer. This is not a good dynamic for two people in a romantic relationship, for many reasons.

#6– They might not be able to make you a priority.

For people with ADD there are two kinds of time. NOW and NOT NOW. Because of this they live completely in the moment. The concept of moments down the road mean nothing to them.

As a result it’s very hard for them to prioritize ANYTHING, much less their partner.

#7 – They could struggle to be successful at work.

Because they have a hard time completing tasks and staying focused, people with ADD could always struggle at work. To be successful at work people with ADD need two things: a boss who understands them and an excellent support staff. Without these things, success will be very hard to attain. Not impossible but very difficult. This will lead to additional self-esteem issues.

#8 – Finances might be a challenge.

People with ADD are often financially challenged for a number of reasons.

The first is that having the focus to keep track of their expenditures will take a tremendous amount of discipline that they might not have.

Secondly, some people with ADD love to spend money. People with ADD are often in search of the next high, the next thing that will scratch their itch. And spending money is an excellent way to achieve that goal.

#9 – Intimacy can be an issue.

People with ADD, particularly men, can struggle with intimacy.

The reasons are varied.

Part of it is that they often just can’t stay focused while making love. They far more enjoy doing something structured and rewarding like working or being on their phones or playing golf.

Another is that the person with ADD has that itch they want to scratch and multiple sex partners is a way to do it. Once they have caught you they could move onto the next person.

Furthermore, people with ADD are time challenged. They don’t know how to fit sex, or other tasks, into their crazy busy, out of control schedules.

And, finally, the aforementioned parent/child dynamic. This, obviously, does not lend itself to a healthy sex life.

#10 – They might struggle with addiction.

People with ADD might struggle with addiction for a number of reasons.

The biggest one is that they spend every day of their lives struggling to keep their heads above water. This is exhausting and overwhelming. And using drugs or alcohol to escape from those feelings is very effective.

Furthermore, stimulants like cocaine, and sugar, are widely abused by people with ADD because they become way more focused when using them. Stimulants bring them to the place they always wanted to be – focused, full of bravado, successful at whatever they try and attractive to the opposite sex. Pretty compelling stuff.

Interestingly, people with ADD can also get addicted to things that are good for them – like exercise. They can over-do something that makes them feel more focused and helps build their self esteem.

So there you go. My 10 Things to Know if You Love Someone with ADD.

Loving someone with ADD can be very challenging. To do so successfully requires a tremendous amount of patience and understanding and the development of life skills by both parties. It’s hard work. It can be done but it’s not for the faint of heart.

And it’s okay if you don’t feel like you can do that hard work or that you might not be able to accept that your mate will never be able to do some of the things that are important to you, like being intimate or hearing you.

The most important thing for someone with ADD is to be in a relationship with someone who loves them and supports them in spite of their challenges. If you can be that person, great. If that’s not you, it’s okay to walk away and let them find someone who can.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways to Fix Your Relationship NOW – Even If It Feels Really Far Gone

I have many clients who come to me and say that they are still in love with their partner but that they are finding it harder and harder to stay that way. They are sad and lonely and desperate to change.

Fortunately, and unfortunately, most relationships are the same. They go through good times and bad. And the bad times are all very similar, standard even, in their issues. And because the issues are standard, they are identifiable and easy to address.

Here is my latest – 5 Ways to Fix Your Relationship NOW – Even If It Feels Really Far Gone.

#1 – Stop snipping.

Imagine walking into a room and seeing a friend and asking them how they are doing. How do you THINK I am doing, they respond, nastily. I have been cooking and cleaning all day and where have you been? Would that person be your friend for long? Probably not.

Stop for a minute and consider whether you ever speak that way to your partner. Maybe? Probably? Well, stop it!

Snipping gets us nowhere. It might make us feel good in the moment but all it really does is make the other person shut down. And feel bad about themselves and you.

Next time try this when asked by your partner how you are doing. I am stressed out. I have too much to do and feel overwhelmed. Can you help me?

I can guarantee you positive results – both in getting the needed help and in not adding any more fuel to the fire of resentment.

#2 – Don’t make assumptions.

Life is busy and there is a lot to be done. Chores around the house, time spent with friends, exercise regimes, demands from the kids. And it’s easy to just assume that it’s all going to fit into a day.

We all know, but seem to forget, that this is not the case. There are only 24 hours in a day and only so much that can get done.

It is very important that you both agree on what those things need to be.

I have a client who struggles most with her husband over the weekends. She has a list for him on Saturday morning and she knows that when he is done with that list there will be more for him to do.

My client’s husband wants to make his wife happy and sets out to do the list but gets distracted by tossing the ball with his child, a pre-planned bike ride with friends, that engine that needs to be tinkered with or even something else that his spouse proposes. The list doesn’t get done. And she gets pissed. And he gets defensive and everything falls apart.

I suggested that on Saturday morning she and her spouse discuss their expectations for the day and get them clearly defined. What does she REALLY need done? What does he feel he can get done? What does he want to do outside of chores?

If everyone agrees up front then no one gets let down or screamed at for not getting things done. And if that doesn’t happen then Saturday night is a much better place. A place for making love not war.

#3 – Don’t take everything personally.

My husband’s only job this weekend was to find us windows for our house renovation, my client announced to me one session. He didn’t. If he loved me he would have made it happen.

Sound familiar? If he loved me he would….

So I have to say it: this concept is total shit and the reason so many marriages fall apart.

My client’s husband didn’t get the windows chosen not because he didn’t love her. He didn’t get the windows chosen because he got a work call and had to deal with that and then lunch happened and then his son needed him and then it was naptime and then he just forgot.

There is a big difference between him not getting it done because he doesn’t love her and what actually happened.

So DON’T TAKE THINGS PERSONALLY. It’s really not all about you.

#4 – Learn each other’s love language.

I truly believe that the best tool in a successful relationship is Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. Go to Amazon right now and download it onto your Kindle.

The premise behind his book is that there are five love languages, five ways that people express and receive love.

The languages are: Quality Time, Physical Touch, Words of Affirmation, Acts of Service and Giving of Gifts.

For each person one of those things is the thing that makes them feel the most loved when it is done unto them. When a partner tries to love them using a different love language they don’t feel loved.

My love language is Quality Time – I feel loved when someone is truly present with me, listening to me, focusing on me. My ex-husbands’ love language was Physical Touch – he felt love when I was holding his hand, hugging him or, yep, that.

Unfortunately, the language that we spoke best with each other was Acts of Service – we did things for each other, like changing the oil in the car or going to the grocery store. Stuff got done but neither of us felt loved.

Check out the 5 Love Languages at www.5lovelanguages.com. There you will find a quiz that you and your partner can both complete and you can start loving each other in a way that will work.

#5 – Fool Around and Laugh.

Yes, I know it always comes down to sex for me. I know. I do believe that it is a huge part of any healthy relationship. Sex provides intimacy and connection that makes your relationship with your partner different from the relationship that you have with any other person on earth. It’s definitely important.

But it’s not ALL that is important.

Couples need to laugh together, to have fun together. So much time is spent with the family business and the outside world that we tend to lose track of that person we proclaim is the most important to us.

Remember when you were falling in love? All of the time that was spent laughing? What made you laugh together back then? Can you go back to those things and do them again now? Or is there something new?

Whatever it is that makes you laugh do it! And do it together.

Personally, one of my favorite relationships ever was with a man I laughed with WHILE we were making love. Rolling around, being intimate and laughing together kept us deeply connected to each other. Our relationship had to end but we are still friends and look back on those times together as pure magic.

So there you go – my 5 Ways to Fix Your Relationship NOW.

Ask any single person what it is they long for most in this world and they will say that it’s to be in a relationship. If you are in one you are very lucky. If you are in one that is struggling, fix it. Because you are very lucky to have it. And you will miss it if, and when, it goes.

So take a moment right now to take stock of your relationship. Does it need fixing? If yes, take my list, grab your partner, and start making it happen!

Looking for more ways to fix your relationship? Contact me and I can help!

 

 

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Steps to Letting Go of Love – Even When Your Heart is Breaking

If falling in love is the most wonderful feeling in the world, letting go of love is the most horrible feeling in the world. There is nothing worse than the physical pain of losing a love – the pit in your stomach, the broken heart, the feelings of despair and hopelessness.

Letting go of love is not easy but it is possible. Just follow these steps and before you know it you will be able to let go of a love that is holding you back and move on with your life.

Here is my latest – 5 Steps to Letting Go of Love – Even When Your Heart is Breaking.

#1 – Ask yourself how determined you are to do this.

Before you begin any life changing process you must ask yourself how determined you are to actually do it. On a scale of 1-10 how close to a 10 are you? Because without steadfast determination you will not be able to accomplish something as challenging as getting past a lost love.

So are you ready to do this? Is there any part of you that is holding on to the possibility that things could work out? Do you feel like you aren’t strong enough to do this yet?

If the answer to any of these questions is a yes then perhaps you should wait a bit longer before you begin this process. Time is a great healer and with some time you will get stronger and be ready to take on this challenging task.

#2 – Cut him off.

I know that we all think that we need “closure” at the end of a relationship, that final conversation where everyone gets to say what they want to say and you understand each other and walk away as friends.

I am here to tell you that closure is a myth. What closure really is is one last chance to spend time with and talk to that person you still love. Because really, if you could have a conversation and finally understand each other why couldn’t you make it work as a couple?

So when you have decided that the relationship is over cut him off. Block him on your phone, disconnect on social media, stay away from places where you know he will be.

Why? Because what you need to do is break the addiction you have to this person, to change your habits.

Think about Oreo cookies. You know how hard it is to eat just one? It’s the same with your man. Even one point of contact can draw you back into his circle, the circle that you have decided that you are determined to break yourself out of.

So go no contact right away. It will make the process way easier!

#3- Ask yourself what it is that you need to let go of.

This is very important. What is it that you need to let go of to move on?

I have a client who was ready to let go of a man who she loved very much but who she knew wasn’t the man for her and she was struggling with it because of the love she still felt.

I asked her to look at it like an onion, an onion where feelings are layers that must be removed to get to the core. What was the top layer?

For my client it was anger. She was angry at her man for the way he had treated and angry with herself for wasting so much time letting him do so. That was her first layer. She had to deal with the anger.

The second layer was the hopes and dreams. The hopes and dreams that she had had for their life together. It had all seemed so promising at the beginning and she was still struggling to believe that it couldn’t go back to what it was. But she knew it couldn’t and she knew that she would have to let go of those hopes and dreams in order to move on.

The third layer, the core actually, was the love that she still had for this man. And this love, we decided, wasn’t actually something that she wanted to let go of. She knew that they didn’t have a future together but their past, their experiences together, how she felt about him, was something that she wanted to hold on to. Not in a hopeful way but as something from her past that was special to her.

By examining each layer of the onion my client was able to peel back and discard one layer of emotion at a time which left her with the one piece that she wanted to hold on to, one that wouldn’t hold her back from moving on but that she would carry with her in her heart going forward.

Need some help letting going of love? I can help. Just let me know….

#4 – Ask yourself what is true and what you have made up in your head.

This is such an important piece of letting go.

We all have ideas in our head about truths in our relationships but, unfortunately, often these truths are not so much – they are just hopes and dreams that we have made up over the course of the relationship.

I have a client who had hopes and dreams of a life that she wanted with her boyfriend that had absolutely no basis in reality. She wanted to move to the woods, raise sheep, have kids and grow old together. She had this idea firmly stuck in her head that this was what she wanted and if her boyfriend loved her enough he would embrace her dream too.

What she didn’t realize was that although this dream of hers was wonderful there was NO WAY she was going to have it with her boyfriend. He loved the city, hated livestock and didn’t want kids for at least another decade.

I asked her to consider these things that she knew to be true, what he didn’t want, and stack them up next to what she did want, her hopes and dreams. When she did she finally saw that the truth of the situation was different from what she had been telling herself in her head.

Armed with that knowledge she was one step closer to letting him go.

#5 – Ask yourself what it is you really want in a relationship.

The final part of letting go is getting to know what exactly it is that you want from someone in a relationship. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it.

So make a list. Make a list of what you want from a man in relationship with you. It doesn’t have to be long but make it comprehensive.

My list, in part: someone who makes me laugh, who knows who he is and what he wants, who loves my kids and who wants to make me a priority in his life.

So make your list and run through it with your current guy in mind. Chances are, if you are in the position you are now, that he won’t match up with many of the things on that list and you will finally understand because you will see it there clearly, in black and white.

And your emotions just can’t argue with black and white. He is not what you want. Time to move on.

So there you go – my 5 Steps to Letting Go of Love.

Letting go of something that once seemed so promising is very difficult and will take some steadfast determination on your part but you can do it.

Cut off contact, peel back the onion, question your assumptions and define what you want. Before you know it you will have clarity that you are making the right decision and will be able to let go.

And that means: Step #6 – Get yourself back out there.

I know that right now you feel like you might never love again but putting yourself back out there doesn’t mean you have to fall in love. Putting yourself back out there means that you get to dress up and flirt and date and have a lot of fun. And maybe, just maybe, you will find another love but in the meantime you can enjoy yourself and the freedom you have as a single girl. Embrace it!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship – Even If You Are Really Struggling

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were one thing that could really make a difference in your struggling relationship? One thing that could pull you closer, that could make you laugh again and feel good together? Wouldn’t that just be amazing?

Well there IS one thing. That thing is SEX.

“Wait,” you say. “What? No way. I am not having sex with HIM.”

Yes, you can. And you should!

Here is my latest… 5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship – Even If You Are Really Struggling.

#1 – The Connection.

Sex between two people who care about each other is about connection. Intimate non-verbal connection. In many ways, the most important kind of connection because it is purely organic.

When two people are struggling it can be difficult to connect verbally without making a mess. But the act of holding hands and kissing, of touching and pressing your bodies close, can allow connection without words. Connection that is in many ways more effective than talking.

So try it. Try the touching and the kissing and the rolling around. It just might open things up between the two of you in a life changing way.

#2 – The Orgasms.

Did you know that when you have an orgasm your body is flooded with dopamine, a chemical that makes you feel like you can take on the world? And the effects of that dopamine lasts for at least 5 hours.

Imagine how it would feel for you and your partner, freshly connected and flooded with dopamine, spending time together. Pretty great, no? Maybe it will help you remember why you fell for each other in the first place!

#3 – The Fun.

Sex is fun. It just is. And funny.

Think of all of the fumbling and nakedness and gymnastics. The rolling around, trying to fit together. Chemicals flowing freely. It’s almost impossible not to smile and laugh and be happy.

And there is no better antidote to a struggling relationship than some happy times together.

So try it. You might find yourselves smiling together. Wouldn’t that be fun?

#4 – The Make-up Sex.

So really. Is there anything better than make up sex?

Two people, emotions heightened in conflict, coming together in a powerful way. Clothes flying everywhere. Tables wiped clean of plateware. Passionate only begins to describe it.

And really, how can you stay mad at each other after such an encounter? You are reconnected, the dopamine is flying, you are laughing so hard your sides hurt and you certainly are no longer angry.

Try ending your conflicts with a little make-up sex. You might find you move past things just a little more quickly.

#5 – The Satisfaction.

This is one that I don’t even want to mention but it is a key piece of how sex keeps a relationship going strong.

Most people don’t go out looking for someone else. Normally a someone else just appears, out of the blue. And what you do when that someone else appears depends on just how satisfied you are.

Regular great sex in a relationship generally means that a couple’s sexual needs are being met. And, more often than not, their emotional needs as well because the two very often go hand in hand.

And if a couple is satisfied in their relationship there is no need to go elsewhere, even if the prospect arises.

So have lots of sex. And keep it in the relationship. Keep temptations at bay.

And there you go. My 5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship.

I know that when relationships are struggling sex can be the last thing on your mind. The prospect of firing up with someone you can barely look at seems absurd.

But try it. Really try it. Give yourself over to the passion, the connection, the fun and the orgasms and get back in touch with how you first felt with each other.

Armed with that feeling you both can take on anything.

Looking for more ways for sex to help in your relationship? Contact me and I can help!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

3 Reasons He Won’t Do What You Ask – Even If He Wants To

I have a client who is in a new relationship. She loves her man but has some very real hesitations. The most notable one is that she feels like he doesn’t make her a priority. She feels taken for granted and certainly not cherished. She has told him that she feels this way, hoping for change. And, in spite of his assertions that he loves her, it just doesn’t happen.

Why, you wonder, can’t her boyfriend, who loves her, change his behavior? Because of a very frustrating, but very real, thing known as resistance.

Resistance is a trait found in all of us…a trait that makes us hesitant to do anything that might bring about change. Even if it’s for the better.

Resistance makes us want to put the brakes on and never release them.

Resistance is something we often aren’t even aware of but it affects almost every decision we make.

Resistance can end great things before they even start.

Here is my latest..3 Reasons He Won’t Do What You Ask – Even If He Wants To.

#1 – Fear of Change

Resistance is based on the fear of change. And people are really, really afraid of change.

When faced with the idea of change most people’s reactions are “Things are just fine this way. Why would I want to do anything differently?”

Resistance to change in love can have a devastating effect. There are two people in a relationship and two peoples whose needs need to be met. When one person asks for something different the other person needs to consider if they are willing to adapt to keep the relationship moving forward.

And that is the key. Adaptation. If one person needs something different then a conversation needs to be had.

My client expressed her needs very clearly. She knew that he heard what she said and he even said that he would try to put her first. But he didn’t. Or couldn’t. And it hurt her.

The best way to overcome fear of change is communication. Talk to each other. Compromise. Make each other a priority.

#2 – Fear of Ability

The second piece of resistance is one’s fear of the ability to do what someone asks. Does the person being asked fear that they will not be able to do what is being asked of them?

That can be paralyzing.

Perhaps my client’s beau didn’t know if he was capable of making her a priority. Perhaps he knew that his bike and the kids would always come first. But he knew if he expressed that he might lose her. So instead of explaining that fear he kept quiet.

The result? She was devastated by his continued actions and I am sure he didn’t feel very good about it either.

The best way to overcome fear of ability is communication. If he had been able to express his anxiety perhaps they could have worked together to find a solution.

#3 – Fear of Outcome

The last piece of resistance is the fear of outcome.

So many of the reasons that people don’t take action is that they are scared of how it will all turn out. They know, to a certain extent, how things will turn out if they stay on the current path but have no idea what will happen if they change course.

For my client’s boyfriend he knew that the way he had acted so far had resulted in his winning this amazing girl and still being able to excel on his bike and support his kids in a loving and productive way.

What would happen if he started putting her first? Would his bike and his kids suffer? He didn’t want them to suffer but he also didn’t want to lose her. Maybe they wouldn’t suffer but was it worth the risk?

He was afraid. So he chose his bike and his children, hoping that she would understand. He didn’t talk to her about his decision and as a result he hurt her more.

The best way to overcome the fear of outcome is communication. She needed to know how he was feeling. They could have talked it through. She might have understood.

So there you go – my 3 Reasons He Won’t Do What You Ask.

It is important to know that while resistance can play a destructive role in relationships it is not, most likely, a reflection of the emotions that the resistor feels for his loved one.

He most likely loves her madly but is unwilling, or unable, to face and overcome his resistance. So it is up to her. Is she willing to live not being a priority? How important is it to her? Can she be in this relationship knowing he loves her and have that be enough?

For my client that wasn’t enough. She expressed her needs and he continued to resist and she walked away. She knew she wanted to be cherished and set out finding someone who could do so.

Do you have a man paralyzed by resistance? Contact me and I can help!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Love Lessons Most Women Learn WAY Too Late – Even If They Have Everything Else Figured Out

Love is so complicated. When we are young we believe that someday our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always work out that way.

People are only human. Our life experience leads us to act a certain way and often times in a that way doesn’t serve us. This is especially the case with women in relationships. We are so programmed to love and take care of others that we often blind ourselves to the truth. And often we don’t notice until a relationship is too far gone to salvage.

Here is my latest…5 Love Lessons Most Women Learn WAY Too Late  – Even if They Have Everything Else Figured Out.

#1 – Having sex with him won’t make him love you.

There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn’t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It does not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result women believe that if she has sex with a man not only will she be giving him what he wants but she will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

The best reason to have sex with a guy is because you want to. Beyond that there are no guarantees.

#2 – If he isn’t communicating with you he isn’t interested.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

If a guy isn’t communicating with you he isn’t interested. Period. You can tell yourself that he is busy, or that he is out of range or that he is sleeping but if he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he isn’t interested.

Guys are hunters. It’s in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t.

Also, those guys who disappear and then reappear, they are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in.

Move on!

#3 – If you get clingy he will pull away. For good.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is get clingy with her man.

We get clingy for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are feelings that exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with clinginess you will drive your man away.

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Be secure in his feelings for you. If you can’t then you need to address it head on, in a measured, temperate way. Not by getting clingy.

If you get clingy your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

Want to talk more above love lessons? Me too! Let’s talk…

#4 – If YOU don’t love you, then HE won’t either.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay. Waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone you deserve.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren’t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – If you are alone you will be JUST FINE.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay alone. The world is a place for couples and being single just isn’t acceptable.

I am here to tell you, as someone who has spent almost four years alone, that being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to rise and sleep when you want, never watch any sports program that you don’t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone else because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish and respect you then your life is full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims. This will cause you pain every day.

Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone, watching Orange is the New Black and having a glass of wine?

So there you go, my 5 Love Lessons Most Women Learn WAY Too Late.

We all make mistakes in the search for love. We want it so badly that we are willing to do anything, to compromise everything, to have it. And we tend to do the same things over and over and never learn.

It’s never too late to find true love. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don’t compromise your self-worth, don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Top Secrets The Happiest Couples Already Know – Even If They Don’t Think They Do

You know those friends of yours who always look so happy together? The ones who you know not only look happy but who are happy? Together. Don’t you sometimes just hate them?

What do they know that you don’t know? That is always the question, whispered among those who wish they too could be so happy.

Here is the answer.

My latest – 5 Top Secrets The Happiest Couples Already Know – Even If They Don’t Think They Do.

#1 – Sex, Sex, Sex, Sex.

So let’s just start with the obvious one.

Every happily married couple has a sex life that suits them. There is no exact formula for how much sex a couple must have to be happy. Instead, each couple needs to decide what is best for them, to talk about it and play around and meet each other’s sexual needs in a way that makes everyone excited.

I have a client whose husband wants to have sex EVERY night and, while she really likes having sex with him, every night just doesn’t work for her. She used to just rebuff his advances, which made him feel badly, but on my advice she talked to him about it. She explained how she felt, they agreed that she would be the instigator and that she would instigate often. That worked for both of them and they were happy.

So tick this one off of your list. Talk to your partner about your sex life and make a plan to make it work well for both of you.

Sounds fun, right?

#2 – Equitable division of labor.

I have known many, many married couples. I have known many, many divorced couples. What is the differentiating factor that exists between the two? Equality in execution of chores.

My 15 year old daughter did a survey for school once. Who were the happiest parents among her friend group? She discovered that those who shared the household chores, particularly the meal planning, were the happiest.

Why? Because chores are a HUGE bone of contention for many couples. HUGE.

What usually happens is is that the person “in charge” delegates the chores to their spouse. The “in charge” person has expectations about the execution of the chore and if it’s not done within the expected time, or in the expected way, tensions flair. The delegator takes it personally and lashes out and the executor is left bewildered because they had no idea what the expectations were.

If both people are responsible for the delegation, and execution, of the chores then a huge issue just disappears. Things get done, or don’t, and both partners are responsible.

So, my daughter reported, my ex-husband’s and my decision to divide and conquer (he would work and I would run the house) was the deciding factor in the failure of our marriage. My sister in law and her husband, who equally shared home responsibilities, are living happily ever after.

I wish she had done this research earlier…

#3 – Inside jokes.

What really? How can that be? That is such a little thing.

Happy couples are like a little islands unto themselves. Sure, they have families and friends and jobs and responsibilities but they also have things that they only share with each other. Inside jokes.

Imagine this. You and your spouse are at a family BBQ. Tensions are flying over something. Politics, perhaps. And then your father in law says something, something that he ALWAYS says and that you and your spouse have whispered about in bed at night. You meet eyes as the statement is made and you just connect. You smile and nod and go on with the day with a warm feeling in your tummy.

Connection is what real love is about. And having a secret is super fun. So having an inside joke, a combination of the two, can’t be beat for keeping couples close.

#4 – Pie in the sky hopes and dreams.

Happy couples are couples who not only dream big but dream big together.

Remember when you were young and falling in love? Hours would be spent talking about the future – the jobs, the house, the kids, the happily ever after. And then life happens. Day to day living gets in the way of those dreams.

But not for happy couples. Happy couples still dream together. It might be little things, like dreaming of a movie date on Friday, but they dream together and work as a team to get it done.

So dream big. Or small. But dream together.

#5 – Putting each other first. Period.

Yes, yes, I know. There are so many important things in our lives these days. Making money is one of the first that comes to mind. Making sure our children grow into successful adults is another. And then there is exercise. And friends. And hobbies. And your phone.

And all of these are important. But one thing that you realize, when you no longer have a partner, is that none of these things really matter because you, well, you don’t have a partner.

So make your partner your priority. Every day.

Work is important but so is getting home for date night. That Saturday morning 15 mile run? Go for it but if you could instead spend the morning alone with your spouse, consider it. A movie night with the girls? Bring your husband instead. Movie negotiable. The phone? Put it down.

Consider all the good that could come from making your spouse a priority. Connection, laughter, physical affection, good will, sex, happiness. Arguably more life enhancing than the money and the muscles and the children with a perfect score on their SAT.

So there you go – my 5 Top Secrets The Happiest Couples Already Know.

Being part of happy couple isn’t something that just happens. It, like all of the best things in life, takes concerted effort.

That effort at work pays off with a raise. That effort at the gym pays off with muscles. Why not make that effort with your partner and be one of those truly happy couples?

So go home, look your spouse in the eye and kiss them hard, throw your dirty clothes in the hamper, laugh about the co-worker you love to hate, talk about a trip away together next month, make love and fall asleep happy.

It will all be totally worth it. I promise.

Looking for more ways to be the happiest couple around? Contact me NOW and I can help.

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Questions You MUST Ask Someone On A First Date – Even If You Don’t Really Want To

We all go into our first dates hoping for the best. Hoping that this will be the ONE who will end our lonely days forever. And with that hope comes a reluctance to ask questions.

Why? Because we often don’t want to know the answers.

It’s important to know a few basic facts about someone before you commit to spending more time developing a relationship. Without knowing the facts you could miss some serious red flags and waste a HUGE amount of time in your search for the ONE.

And we don’t want that.

Here is my latest: 5 Questions You MUST Ask Someone On A First Date – Even If You Don’t Really Want To.

#1 – Are you Married?

Seriously? You need to ask that question? The answer is a resounding YES!

You would be amazed at how many married people out there want to date other people. Some of them are in open marriages and some of them just want to fool around. Either way you want to know the answer.

If the answer is yes, you need to decide if you want to be involved with a married person. Being involved with a married person brings with it a multitude of issues, most notably making it very difficult for you to find the ONE.

And that is the goal right? Finding the ONE?

#2 – How long have you been single?

Once you know they are single it’s important to know how long they have been single.

As a general rule of thumb, we experts recommend that you not date someone who has been divorced within the last two years. Divorce wreaks havoc that regular break ups do not and the recovery period is longer. A newly divorced person just won’t be ready for you, in spite of what they might think.

If your potential partner has just gone through a non-marriage break up that could also be a red flag. Someone who is newly out of a relationship could be, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a rebound relationship.  You do NOT want to be the rebound person.

Ideally, your prospective mate would be someone who has been single for a period of time, not just because they have had time to recover from a break up but because it’s more likely that they are no longer attached to the person they broke up with.

Nobody wants to date someone who is still holding a torch for someone else, do they?

#3 – Are you employed?

One of the first questions we ask when we meet anyone is “What do you do?” It’s what Americans do. And it can be a tough question to answer, especially in this day and age when people do a variety of things at once.

A more important question is “Are you currently working?”

The reasons you want to know the answer to this question? Because you want to know if they are financially and emotionally secure.

Financial security is obvious.  No one wants to get involved with someone who can’t carry his or her weight financially. The emotional security is a tougher one.

People who are unemployed are often in a delicate position emotionally. They could be actively seeking work and unable to find any. They could be thinking that the work out there is below them and refuse to compromise. They could have had issues at an old job that continue on into new jobs. All of these situations could lead to insecurity and low self esteem.

Insecurity and low self esteem are not things that lend themselves well to a healthy relationship.  And DON’T think that you can fix them because you can’t.

So ask not only “What do you do” but “Where do you do it?”

Want to talk first dates? Me too! Let’s do it….

#4 – Do you get along with your family?

Really? Knowing how someone gets along with his or her family is important?

The family is the fundamental relationship of someone’s life and how they interact with that family is important to know.

If your date talks about the close relationship he has with his siblings and that his mother drives him nuts but that he talks to her every Sunday then you know that this person is capable of a healthy emotional connection.

If your date talks about the family that lives across the country who he hasn’t seen in years then it is possible the deep emotional connection might be more difficult for him. Why? Because the basic human connection that we make as children influences who we are as grown ups. And someone who has a rough relationship with his family could be tough to truly connect with.

So ask the question and listen carefully to the answer.

#5 – Do you have kids?

This one is SO important because kids change everything.

Kids can, more than any other single thing, affect a relationship because kids are, more often than not, THE priority. They will be made the priority above you every single time. Every single time.

And maybe that’s okay with you.  Maybe you have kids too and understand the priorities. Or maybe you are willing to make his kids your priority as well.

But maybe it’s not. Maybe you want to always be first or maybe you just aren’t ready to have kids. And that’s okay.

So ask the question. Because kids will always come first, no matter what you might tell yourself going in.

So there you go, my 5 Questions You MUST Ask Someone On A First Date.

Dating is time consuming and emotionally fraught and really you don’t want to waste even one minute on someone who raises any red flags at all. Red flags should be noted and acted on.

So ask the questions. Get your answers early. Get your answers so you can decide to fish or cut bait right away. Because there are other fish in the sea. Fish who might be better for you. And tastier.


 

Looking for more questions to ask on a first date?

Contact me NOW and I can help!


 

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways To Stay Yourself in a New Relationship – Even if You Feel Like an Insecure Mess

Isn’t it wonderful, a new relationship? Getting to know that new special someone, looking across the room at them and getting butterflies in your tummy. Hours spent sharing your hopes and dreams for the future. Holding hands. Romance. Great sex. Rampant insecurity.

Wait. What?

When we first get into a new relationship we feel very confident because having someone new in our lives is a very heady experience. And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss. And the way we act because of that fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair.

Who wants that? Surely not you!

Here is my latest: 5 Ways To Stay Yourself in a New Relationship – Even if You Feel Like an Insecure Mess.

#1 – Remember that you are AWESOME.

Think about the person you are when you are single. When you aren’t questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?

Do you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Do you run marathons? Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Do you like to go to movies and try new food? Do you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?

This person is the person you want to remember when you are feeling insecure. This awesome person who your guy chose to date in the first place.

And remember you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you. So if this one doesn’t appreciate you, too bad for him.

#2 – Live your life.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT sit around and wait for any man to call. Or any woman for that matter either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.

You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.

Not only will you feel good about yourself from doing the things that you love but when your guy reaches out to see you you will be busy and that will make him wonder why you aren’t busy with him!!!!

And making him wonder is always good.

#3 – Unplug.

One of the things that you should NOT do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media.

Even on a good day social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there, on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.

Furthermore, spending any time AT ALL stalking your suitor will only lead you to trouble, especially if you can’t find him or see him doing something with someone you don’t want him doing things with. Innocently or no. It will hurt.

So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.

#4 – Know you probably aren’t the only one feeling this way.

The more attached we are to something, whether it be a man or a friend or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.

But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you they could appear too eager or if they stop by your desk you might find them too needy.

Does that sound kind of familiar? Kind of like how you are feeling? How does it make you feel knowing that they might be feeling the same way too?

Kinda relieved, perhaps? Less insecure? Good.

#5 – Ask yourself “What’s the worst that can happen?”

This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations but it’s best application is right here.

You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old. One that you have lived your entire life up until recently without.

Ask yourself “What is the worst that can happen?”

The answer? That you will lose this relationship. So? There are more fish in the sea. That you will embarrass yourself? You have done that before and survived. That you will actually have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn’t suck.

Keep in mind that the worst that can happen isn’t that you will drop dead if you send a text or that you will end world peace if you ask him to dance. And, with that in mind, take a step confidently in his direction. Being the rock star that you are.

Because really, what’s the worst that can happen?

So there you go – 5 Ways To Stay Yourself in a New Relationship.

We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.

But don’t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, that anyone would be lucky to have you, that if this relationship doesn’t work out there will be another (because there will be), and that the world won’t end no matter what action you take.

Be the person that someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person who you can be in love with too.


 

Looking for more ways to nurture new relationships?

Contact me NOW and I can help!

 


 

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!