Posts

5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship – Even If You Are Really Struggling

Wouldn’t it be nice if there were one thing that could really make a difference in your struggling relationship? One thing that could pull you closer, that could make you laugh again and feel good together? Wouldn’t that just be amazing?

Well there IS one thing. That thing is SEX.

“Wait,” you say. “What? No way. I am not having sex with HIM.”

Yes, you can. And you should!

Here is my latest… 5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship – Even If You Are Really Struggling.

#1 – The Connection.

Sex between two people who care about each other is about connection. Intimate non-verbal connection. In many ways, the most important kind of connection because it is purely organic.

When two people are struggling it can be difficult to connect verbally without making a mess. But the act of holding hands and kissing, of touching and pressing your bodies close, can allow connection without words. Connection that is in many ways more effective than talking.

So try it. Try the touching and the kissing and the rolling around. It just might open things up between the two of you in a life changing way.

#2 – The Orgasms.

Did you know that when you have an orgasm your body is flooded with dopamine, a chemical that makes you feel like you can take on the world? And the effects of that dopamine lasts for at least 5 hours.

Imagine how it would feel for you and your partner, freshly connected and flooded with dopamine, spending time together. Pretty great, no? Maybe it will help you remember why you fell for each other in the first place!

#3 – The Fun.

Sex is fun. It just is. And funny.

Think of all of the fumbling and nakedness and gymnastics. The rolling around, trying to fit together. Chemicals flowing freely. It’s almost impossible not to smile and laugh and be happy.

And there is no better antidote to a struggling relationship than some happy times together.

So try it. You might find yourselves smiling together. Wouldn’t that be fun?

#4 – The Make-up Sex.

So really. Is there anything better than make up sex?

Two people, emotions heightened in conflict, coming together in a powerful way. Clothes flying everywhere. Tables wiped clean of plateware. Passionate only begins to describe it.

And really, how can you stay mad at each other after such an encounter? You are reconnected, the dopamine is flying, you are laughing so hard your sides hurt and you certainly are no longer angry.

Try ending your conflicts with a little make-up sex. You might find you move past things just a little more quickly.

#5 – The Satisfaction.

This is one that I don’t even want to mention but it is a key piece of how sex keeps a relationship going strong.

Most people don’t go out looking for someone else. Normally a someone else just appears, out of the blue. And what you do when that someone else appears depends on just how satisfied you are.

Regular great sex in a relationship generally means that a couple’s sexual needs are being met. And, more often than not, their emotional needs as well because the two very often go hand in hand.

And if a couple is satisfied in their relationship there is no need to go elsewhere, even if the prospect arises.

So have lots of sex. And keep it in the relationship. Keep temptations at bay.

And there you go. My 5 Ways Great Sex Can Save Your Relationship.

I know that when relationships are struggling sex can be the last thing on your mind. The prospect of firing up with someone you can barely look at seems absurd.

But try it. Really try it. Give yourself over to the passion, the connection, the fun and the orgasms and get back in touch with how you first felt with each other.

Armed with that feeling you both can take on anything.

Looking for more ways for sex to help in your relationship? Contact me and I can help!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways to be Happier Quickly – Even if Your Default is Usually Crabbiness

We all just want to be happy. That is the life goal. It has been proven that when people are happy their health improves, their skin brightens, their attention span strengthens and they have more success at work and at home.

All of that sounds wonderful, doesn’t it?

But how, in this chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting world, do we find happiness? It seems like such a long-term goal, something we have to really work towards, not something that is accessible right now.

I am here to tell you that you can be happier NOW, just by tweaking a few things in your life.

Here is my latest: 5 Ways to be Happier Quickly – Even if Your Default is Usually Crabbiness.

#1 – Forget positivity. Focus on the negative.

Everyone tells us these days that in order to be happy we must practice mindfulness, live in the moment, focus on the positive. While those ideas have their place, I think that the best way to be happier is by focusing on our negative thoughts.

You know those thoughts. The ones that tell you that you are worthless or ugly or un-loveable? Yes those ones. They aren’t comfortable in our body and yet how easily they settle in for a long visit.

Try this. Next time you tell yourself that you are un-loveable pull out a piece of paper and write a list of everyone who loves you. When you tell yourself you are ugly go look at your profile picture on Facebook, you know that one in which you look AWESOME. When you tell yourself you are worthless call your mother. She will remind you how worthless you are not.

I suggest that if we push back against, argue with, those negative thoughts it will bring about quicker change than focusing on the positive.

Because, really, it’s very hard to access those positive thoughts when we are unhappy. The negative ones, however, are right there for the plucking.

#2 – Smile.

Smiling seems like such a small thing but it’s not. Did you know that when we use the muscles in our face to form a smile instead of a frown we actually change our chemistry, releasing dopamine into our system which allows for an immediately improved mood.

I know that when my kids were little and I was drowning in the chaos that was my life, smiling at them made my day just a little brighter, if only for a few minutes. And then I smiled at them again because I just couldn’t resist and there I was, happy again. So I did it all day long. Or tried to.

#3 – Lots of lovin’.

Yes, I know. Sex is great. Really great. But what I am talking about here is physical affection.

Did you know that hugging is one of the best things you can do in your life, for a variety of reasons. A brief hug produces oxytocin which helps reduce anxiety. A prolonged hug produces serotonin which leads to increased happiness. Hugging relaxes the muscles and reduces tension. Skin to skin contact calms down the nervous system.

So hug your friends, your kids, your family members, someone who looks sad. Hug away. It’s quick and painless.

That being said, a good orgasm releases enough dopamine to guarantee you 5-7 hours of happiness. Really.

#4 – Watch a scary movie or an action flick. Or go skydiving.

So this is an interesting thing. Whenever I am feeling blue I love to watch The Walking Dead. I know. And yes, I am a grown woman. I never understood why until recently.

When we watch a scary movie or an action flick our body actually produces adrenaline and that rush of adrenaline makes us happier. When I watch The Walking Dead I get a full hour dose of adrenaline which can last me well into the night.

Skydiving, helicopter skiing and swimming with sharks have the same results but they aren’t quite as accessible on a Wednesday night after work. But definitely try them as well if presented with the opportunity.

#5 – Give back. In big ways and small.

Really it doesn’t take much to give back to the world.

We all have excuses about why we can’t volunteer – that we are “just too busy” is usually the first one that comes out of our mouths.

But, really, you can give back to the world, every day, in small ways.

Last week I ran into a woman on the streets of NYC. It was early morning and we were walking our dogs. I complimented her on her clogs, footwear that is rarely seen here in the city. We chatted about clogs for a bit and I bid her good morning. She said that me reaching out to her “made her day.” That I made her feel good made me feel good.

So reach out to someone everyday. That crabby person running the register, smile at them. Open the door for someone, just because. Make (or buy) cookies and bring them to work.

Just thinking about doing good can make all the difference. Doesn’t it just make you feel good thinking about bringing cookies to work? For many reasons….

So there you go, my 5 Ways to be Happier Quickly.

We all just want to be happy. And I would encourage you to reach out to me, the ultimate life coach, to help you work towards that goal. But there are things that you can do in the meantime, right now, to elevate your mood.

Whoever designed human beings installed mechanisms for maintaining mood and keeping us healthy and alive. We modern humans have a tough time accessing those mechanisms because we have forgotten they are there.

I have just reminded you. Go forth and use them. Be happy.

Looking for ways to be happier? Contact me and I can help!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day – Even If I Might Not Have Wanted to Hear Them

Marriage doesn’t come with a manual. I wish it did. Because after the vows have been said, the doves have been released and the dress has been put in dry storage, comes marriage.

And as much as we would like to believe it’s all happily ever after, it often isn’t.

But it CAN be. All you need is some awareness and a willingness to act.

Here is my latest – 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day – Even If I Might Not Have Wanted to Hear Them.

#1 – Communicate, Communicate, Communicate.

One of the most disturbing aspects about many marriages is that after a while communication just stops.

Sure, there is lots of logistical stuff to discuss – when we are coming home for dinner, where the kids’ soccer games are, what time we are meeting the in-laws on Sunday.

But real communication, expressing of feelings, frustrations, hopes, dreams and longings, ceases.

Marriage is a 24/7 commitment. During those days, and years, lots of issues can arise, issues that can be hurtful and cause resentment. Instead of being addressed immediately, feelings are often left unsaid.  It can just seem too scary to go there, to share how we feel and not know what the response will be. So we don’t.

And then, before we know it, it’s easier to just not say anything, to do the dishes or spend longer at the office, doing anything to avoid difficult conversations. We do this assuming that the issues will be dealt with eventually. Like after Christmas, after Memorial Day or when the kids go off to college.

If you only take one thing away from this article it’s this: keep communicating. Your marriage, and your life, will be better if you do.

#2 – Have lots of sex.

I know newlyweds will laugh now at the prospect of no longer having sex with their partner. “That won’t be us,” they say.

But it very well could be.

We know that anger and resentment can build in a marriage because of unexpressed feelings. For a woman, there is no better libido killer than anger and resentment. And there is no better way to create anger and resentment in a man than the absence of sex.

Intimacy is key to maintaining closeness in a marriage. Touching, kissing, feeling loved and having orgasms are all a big part of this. Marriage without sex is simply a business arrangement.

So push past the anger and resentment and make love with your partner. Or, better yet, kill the anger and resentment with communication and happily make love every night.

You will be happy you did, both in the moment and long term.

#3 – Remember to respect each other.

There is a concept called the “contempt of the familiar.” This concept occurs when people get to know each other very well. Too well perhaps. We know how the other person looks when flossing their teeth, how they leave their pants hanging on the door, how they slurp their coffee or that they fart in bed.

Perhaps at one time you thought these things cute but now, as time has gone by, they drive you nuts. They might even repel you.

Mutual respect is a key to any successful marriage.  Your partner’s mannerisms or ways of doing things might not jibe with your own and this can lead to developing a dislike of who they are. And if you don’t like someone it’s hard to respect them.

Have I mentioned yet the importance of communication?

Tell your partner that something they are doing is making it difficult for you to be with them. Don’t just write them off as a lost cause, thinking “if they loved me they would do this differently.” We are all human beings trying to do the best that we can and if you are honest with yourself you know that they aren’t doing any of those things to spite you. They just do them. And can change if asked. Nicely.

Give your partner a chance to keep your respect and allow them to keep respecting you in return.

And sex is way better when you respect your partner. In case you didn’t know.

#4 – Don’t let your extended family get in the way of your new one.

No matter how old we are when we get married, we have many years of experience and tradition with our extended families. Holidays spent just so, toilet paper rolls that roll out on top instead of under, sarcasm that is part of every family get together.

The extended family is wonderful and part of who we are but the priority now is the new family. The one we are creating with our partner.

Of course it’s important to respect our family traditions but if doing so is at the expense of the new relationship it needs to be addressed. If the birthday tradition on one side is the whole family gathered and lots of gifts exchanged and the birthday tradition on the other side involves quietly celebrating with friends then a conversation needs to be had.

Have I mentioned yet the importance of communication?

Both sides of the family need to be told, respectfully, that while all family traditions are important what is important now is how the new family wants to make their own traditions. Compromises might need to be made but it is important that both partners feel like their new life as a couple is their own.

#5 – Know that a baby is going to change everything.

I know! Having a baby is so exciting. From “starting to try,” to nine months of watching it grow, to baby showers and then childbirth (!!) it’s all so wonderful and new and partners are bound closer than ever.

And then the baby is born and all bets are off.

Like when we get married, no one hands us a manual when we become parents. This means that from day one we are flying by the seat of our pants. Women most often immediately change their focus from their husband to their child. Men are left wondering what happened to their life. Yes, the child is delightful, but dinners together, time with friends, free time for athletics, are all suddenly gone. Not to mention the sex.

It’s important to be aware that the baby is going to change everything and prepare and allow for it. Know that everyone is going to be exhausted, that things are going to be messy, that the next 18 years are going to be an evolution, and a revolution, like you have never been through before.

Commit to making it through those years together. Communicate like you did when you were first married, perhaps even more so, have as much sex as you can squeeze into your week and continue to love and respect each other even as life gets challenging.

It won’t be easy but it will be worth it.

So there you go. My 5 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me on My Wedding Day.

I was married for 20 years and have been divorced for 5. I have spent a lot of time reflecting about what went wrong in my marriage. What I do know is that we, as a couple, got lost in our family. We gave up who WE were to please everyone else: our kids, our in-laws, our friends. We stopped looking at each other with love, talking about our feelings, hugging each other, respecting each other.

We were business partners. Our family was a successful business but our marriage fell apart.

I am madly in love with a new man now, one I very much hope to marry. And believe me, I won’t make the same mistakes twice.

Marriage is truly a wondrous thing and can be a big part of living the life of your dreams.

So do what I suggest. And don’t ever stop.

Looking for more ideas about how to keep your marriage strong? Contact me and I can help.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

7 Reasons Donald Trump, and Every Man, Wishes He Held the Woman Card

By now you have heard, I am sure, that according to Donald Trump the only reason that Hillary Clinton is being taken seriously is because she “has the woman card.” The interweb has, of course, gone nutty over this but what has surprised me is that women are shouting about all of the things that we women DON’T have because we are holding the “woman card,” not all of the things that we DO have.

Here are 7 reasons why I believe that holding the woman card is a really, really good thing, full of benefits that men just wish they had.

#1 – With the woman card we are powerful. Say what you want but a man will do ANYTHING to win the woman he wants. ANYTHING. A man wanting a woman started the Trojan War, forced a king to abdicate his throne and has brought down more American politicians than I can count.

#2 – With the woman card we are capable of being pregnant and giving birth. We propagate the species. Enough said.

#3 – With the woman card we find ourselves capable of asking for directions and choosing a parking space, freeing up innumerable hours in a lifetime to pursue other pleasures.

#4 – With the woman card are skilled in the art of faking “it,” simultaneously making a man feel special and speeding up the process so that we can get some sleep. AND we can have multiple “it” without, um, recharging.

# 5 – With the woman card we can do many things that are deemed difficult or even impossible. Like peeing standing up. Or giving birth without drugs. Or Thanksgiving dinner for 12.

#6 – With the woman card we can do many things at the same time. We could even do #2-5 above without breaking a sweat and still have #1 be our reality.

# 7 – With the woman card we live longer. We live longer. What man doesn’t want that? The ultimate frequent “woman card” user reward….

So there you go. 7 reasons that Donald Trump, and every man, wishes he held the woman card.

So. All you women out there. Remember. We rock. Don’t let anyone try to take your power or make you think less of yourself. Hold your head high, go for what you want and wield that woman card proudly.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!