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6 SHOCKING Things Men Want From Their Women, As Told When I Asked

Recently I asked a number of male friends what it is that they most want from their women, other than tons of sex. Without exception, they precluded their responses with If the answer can’t be about sex then I want….

Their answers surprised me so I am sharing them with you.

Here is my latest: 6 SHOCKING Things Men Want From Their Women, As Told When I Asked.

#1 – No sex is okay.

Interestingly, while lots of sex was theme for all of the guys, the option of NO sex was important as well.

Men love to have sex but they also want to feel confident that they can tell their partner that they can’t or don’t want to have sex and that it will be okay.

While to us women that might seem like not a big deal, to many men it is because so much of their identity is tied up in their sexuality.

So accept that sometimes your man can just say NO. Perhaps he will rub your feet instead…

#2 – Cease the Mission Creep.

Mission Creep? This is a term that I had never heard of before but all of my guys knew exactly what it was when I asked them.

The definition of Mission Creep: a gradual shift in objectives during the course of a military campaign, often resulting in an unplanned long-term commitment.

As applied to relationships, mission creep points to the shift that happens over time where a man is obliged to do whatever his woman wants. Dinner with her parents instead of a night out with the guys. Hanging out with her friends instead of his because she thinks they are bozos. No more martinis because they make him act stupid.

Rules. Rules that didn’t exist at the start of the relationship but crept in slowly.

The solution, as suggested by a man: 1. Manage the mission creep so that you are both happy with how things are going. 2. Give your man one weekend a month where he can do anything he wants (mostly).

Be honest with yourself. Is there mission creep in your relationship? If so, make a plan to change!

#3 – Remind him that he is special.

Our lives are chaotic, jam-packed and exhausting. At the end of the day who wants to put out any more energy than is necessary?

But think about it. Think about how amazing it would feel for your partner to bring you flowers or plan a night out or tell you that you are beautiful. Pretty amazing, right?

So do the same for your partner. One guy’s idea: Plan a weekend away. Arrange and pay for the room. Schedule something that I would want to do with you. Make it special for him.

Another guy said: Ask if I would like a beer. Or if I would like to sit and watch a movie with them. Or make me something to eat. Something that shows they are tuned into the smaller things in life that make me happy.

You get the idea. Run with it!

Want to talk more about men and relationships? Let’s do it!

#4 – Let him be friends with girls.

This one is straightforward. Your guy had girl friends before you met him. They were his friends and he never slept with them or wanted a romantic relationship with them because they were his FRIENDS.

Why, if he is in a happy, committed relationship with you, would he want anything more from them now?

So trust him. Let him be friends with girls. You like being friends with girls because they are fun and willing to go deep and be thoughtful. Let him have girl friends who he can be himself with, where he has nothing to prove.

#5 – Think before you react.

One of my guys, one who I thought was not the kind of guy to do what he suggested, said the following:

Take a minute or two of contemplation to respond to a comment that might strike them as negative and discuss their feelings rather than jump to conclusions which get internalized.

This makes sense. And it’s incredibly difficult. To try to pause before you react, to understand where his statement is coming from so you can respond in a way that is productive and respectful.

Good advice. I was obviously wrong about this guy.

He finished the text with: then agree to get laid like the world is ending.

#6 – Walk around naked, dammit.

This guy’s response was so perfect that I am going to let him say it.

It’s that simple. Walk around naked. And if it feels better to walk around in your underpants or underwear, then okay, a little mystery is good too.

Need the garden edged?  Prune the apple trees? Just call me when you’re wearing little-to-nothing.

We like your dimples, your rumples and, no matter what you might think, we find all of you sexy. 

Okay…so that’s pretty simple.  Get naked.  Just as simple as taking off a few clothes when you do chores or hang out on the porch in your bikini. Yeah, that polka dot one….we LOVE it.    

And it’s really not about sex.  We just love you naked. You know that old joke: How to please a woman?  A very long list follows.  Flowers, dinner reservations, pay attention, listen, etc….How to please a man: show up naked, bring beer.

Enough said.

So there you go. 6 SHOCKING Things Men Want From Their Women, As Told When I Asked.

We all, men and women both, love being in a relationship. And we women usually know exactly what we want and our men do their best to provide those things for us.

But, so things don’t get lopsided, it’s important that we women do the same for our men.

So pay attention. Listen to what your guys wants and do it!  See what happens.

I am guessing you will be happy you did….

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

3 Sentences In An Apology That Will Work – Even If You Feel Like You Have Tried Everything

You have done something to hurt someone. Intentionally or unintentionally. Either way, that person is really hurt. And you want to fix it. But how?

You have been trying to apologize, to make them see things from your perspective, to get them to understand your intentions. All to no avail.

Hope is not lost. There is a way to apologize that will be both heard and accepted. Read on to learn how.

Here is my latest – 3 Sentences In An Apology That Will Work – Even If You Feel Like You Have Tried Everything.

Before we begin you have to understand WHAT you have to apologize for.

You did something that caused someone pain. And THAT is what you have to apologize for. Causing that person pain. Not for what you did to cause the pain.

I have a client whose husband showed up 30 minutes late on a night where he swore he would be home on time. They were supposed to go out for her birthday and she had made special dinner reservations. He had tried to get home but got caught up in a work crisis.

Should he need to apologize? I mean, he was late because of work. He had no control over that.

Of course he needs to apologize! Why? Not because he was kept late at work but because he HURT HER by not getting home when he said that he would.

Do you see the difference? The slight is that he caused her pain. Whatever he did to cause that pain is irrelevant.

That is what you are apologizing for: causing them pain.

Get it?

Sentence #1 – “I am sorry that I hurt you.”

This is the perfect first line of any apology. You are acknowledging that you have caused someone pain. They know that you know that you hurt them and by stating it clearly you can, and will, immediately deflate your loved one’s anger.

The most important part of this sentence is that it ends after the YOU and that it doesn’t continue on with a BUT. An explanation of why you were late, and why you weren’t at fault, will completely invalidate the first part of the sentence. Completely.

Again, what you are apologizing for is that you hurt someone.  How you did so is irrelevant in this first part of the apology.

So accept it and apologize for the hurt you have caused.

#2 – “How can I prevent it from happening again?”

This second sentence is very important because it allows the person you hurt to take some ownership for how to prevent it from happening again.

In the case of my client, after she calmed down when she realized that her husband knew how much he had hurt her, she thought about what could be done differently in the future to prevent him from causing her pain. She suggested that next time he knew he was going to be late he call her so that she could change their reservations. She would also know that he knew he was late and that he was sensitive to the situation which could help her from getting hurt.

Armed with this knowledge my client’s husband had the tools he needed to stop himself from hurting his wife in the future when he was going to be late. It was up to him know when to use those tools and to do so.

#3 – “What can I do to make it up to you?”

This one is a fun one. Amends.

So my client’s husband had acknowledged that he had hurt her and did not tried to justify his behavior. Now he wanted to know what he could do to make it up to her….

Once again, my client, the hurt party, was in a position of control. Not a dominating sort of control but in control of how the outcome of the situation could play out. By being in this kind of control my client was given the opportunity to express what she needed to move past this hurt. Her husband didn’t have to guess, which is good because husbands aren’t always good at guessing.

My client suggested a bottle of very nice champagne at home with some birthday cake. The kids were off at a friend’s house and having some alone time just the two of them is what she wanted most anyway.

He was, of course, happy to accommodate and the night ended very well indeed.

So there you are, 3 Sentences In An Apology That Will Work.

Again, the key to the perfect apology is recognizing that you are apologizing for the hurt that you caused and not the behavior that caused it. You hurt someone and that is what you need to apologize for, no matter how much you believe that it couldn’t have been avoided or that you weren’t at fault.

So go ahead. Apologize. Mean it. Move forward together in a meaningful way.

It just might change your life. Try it. You will see.


 

Looking for help with making a good apology?

Contact me now and I can help!

 


 

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

The 5 Love Languages – How To Love and Be Loved

This blog is almost entirely about someone else’s brilliant idea, but it’s an idea so brilliant that I want to share it with all of my readers!

Gary Chapman’s book The 5 Love Languages created a whole movement around the concept of there being 5 languages of love, and thus 5 ways to express love to your partner.

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of us express love in ways that WE want to be loved – as opposed to in ways our partner wants to be loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewelry as an expression of affection but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is learning what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you learn what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel loved.

And it’s easy to love if you feel love in return. And isn’t that what we all want. To love and be loved?

Without further ado, the 5 Languages of Love, transcribed exactly from Gary’s Chapman’s website www.5lovelanguages.com.

#1 – Quality Time

Nothing says “I love you” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes you feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed activities, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful. Whether itʼs spending uninterrupted time talking with someone else or doing activities together, you deepen your connection with others through sharing time.

#2 – Words of Affirmation

Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important— hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten. You thrive on hearing kind and encouraging words that build you up.

#3 – Physical Touch

A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive. Appropriate and timely touches communicate warmth, safety, and love to you.

#4 – Acts of Service

Can helping with homework really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most wants to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter. When others serve you out of love (and not obligation), you feel truly valued and loved.

#5 – Receiving Gifts

Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures. Gifts are heartfelt symbols to you of someone else’s love and affection for you.

So now you are familiar the 5 Love Languages. What to do next?

Go to Gary Chapman’s website, www.5lovelanguages.com and, along with your partner, take the assessment. You will learn which of the love languages are yours and your partner will learn which ones are theirs.

Once you both know each others’ love languages you can stop stabbing blindly in the dark and tell your partner you love them in a language they will understand.

The result? Loving and being loved. One of the keys to happiness and an essential part of living the life of your dreams.

Want more ideas about how to connect with your partner? I can help! Contact me now and let’s get you started on the path to the relationship of your dreams.

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways for Women to Remember that They are Worthy – Even if the Person in the Mirror Tells Them Otherwise

Worthiness. We are all born with an innate sense of worth. As babies we cry for food, demand attention and insist on doing things OUR WAY. It is this sense of worth that actually keeps us alive.

As women and mothers we tend to lose that sense of self-worth. So much of our time is spent tending to the needs of others, calming crying babies, assuaging angry partners, talking down disappointed clients, that we stop taking care of ourselves. And when we stop attending to our own needs we start losing our sense of self worth.

This is not ok. Not knowing how worthy we are can lead to patterns of behavior that only reinforce our belief that we are not worthy of being loved, cared for or living the life of our dreams. We let our children run all over us, our partners take us for granted and our bosses demean us. We stop eating well and taking care of ourselves and we stop reaching for what we want.

So here are my 5 Ways for Women to Remember that They are Worthy – Even if the Person in the Mirror Tells Them Otherwise.

#1 – Love yourself like you love your kids.

Take a moment and feel in your body how much you love your kids. That’s an easy feeling to get in touch with, isn’t it? You love your kids unconditionally and would lay down your life for them.

Now, imagine how it would feel to love yourself that way. To know that you always have someone with you who could remind you how awesome you are or to point out that you are totally capable of walking into your boss’ office and asking for what you need.

It would feel pretty good right?

So get in touch with your inner mom and keep her with you always.

#2 – Call your mother.

Look back on #1. Think about how you love your kids. Your mother loves you that much too. So call her.

I have a client who has a twice a weekly phone call with her mother. They don’t talk about anything in particular, just what is happening in each other’s lives.

This client’s mother is her daughter’s most faithful fan and cheerleader. She always reminds her daughter of what a great job she is doing as a parent and a wife, the toughest jobs in the world, and what a wonderful daughter she is for keeping in touch so often.

My client says that having one person in her life who regularly reminds her of her awesomeness has changed her life. It gives her the confidence in herself that feeds her desire to be all that she can be.

#3 – Think back to your wedding day

Your wedding day was a big day. It was a day that you and your partner promised to love and care for each other for a very long time. It was a day when your friends and family stood up for the two of you, supporting you as you started off on your life together.

Take a moment, pull out a photo if you have to, and remember how you felt on that day. The love you and your partner shared and the love that your friends and family gave you unconditionally. And look at how happy you were cutting that cake…

Remembering your wedding day will remind you that you love and are loved by a lot of people. And what better way to touch base with that inner self-worth than through a little bit of love?

#4 – Remember earlier successes

We have all had many, many successes in our lives but for some reason it is the failures that stick with us. You know those failures that keep you up at night, obsessing? Yep, those ones.

Instead of obsessing, try taking stock of the successes you have had. The “A” you got on your thesis in college, the interview that landed you that first job out of college, that dress you were rocking the day your partner first saw you, the 10lb child you gave birth to in 3 hours, without drugs. Those are all pretty huge successes. Ones you should celebrate.

Try keeping a list in your head, or even better on paper, of the successes that you have had in your life, the successes that deep down you are really proud of, and look back on them as needed. As reminders of just how amazing you are.

#5 – Relish your everyday victories

This is an important one. Many of us feel like we are failures all day, every day. We don’t pack an organic lunch for our kids and then we yell at them when they dawdle and miss the school bus. We are short with our partners when they let us down in some small way. We don’t get enough work done because we are trying to order shoes for the kids from Amazon. All of these we perceive as failures.

But really, we have successes in there too.

First and foremost, we get out of bed every day. Everyone should see that as a success. It’s not as easy as it sounds.

We might not pack organic but our kids do get lunch everyday. We might not have finished that spreadsheet but our kids will have shoes, which is important, and that spreadsheet will ultimately get finished.

And we get to crawl into bed with our partner at the end of the day and share the closeness that surviving another crazy day brings about.

So when those successes happen, recognize and relish them. Because you do have them. Every day.

So there you go. 5 Ways for Women to Remember that They are Worthy.

 In order to live the life of your dreams you need to get back in touch with that child who knew her worth, who demanded that she get what she needed to survive and thrive.

So try my tips and see what happens. And I have more tips to share so get in touch with me NOW and we can get you on the way to living the life of your dreams.

 

 

 

 

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways to Get Past Being Angry with your Partner – Even If You Just Want To Stay Mad

Conflict. We all have it.

We get angry with our mothers, our friends, our bosses and our kids. It is our partners, those we have chosen to love and cherish for a lifetime, with whom we seem to get the most angry. And this conflict, this anger, with our partners can be very destructive and get in the way of living the life of our dreams.

There are ways to get through conflict, however, and it is way easier than one would think.

Here are my 5 Ways to Get Past Being Angry with your Partner – Even If You Just Want To Stay Mad.

#1 – Carefully choose the time to talk.

This is key. If you talk to your partner when you are angry you will say things that you might not mean to say. Try to wait at least 2 hours after a disturbance before speaking up. This will give you the chance to calm down and speak more clearly.

Also, don’t pick a known stressful time to talk, like during bedtime or just after work. Try to pick a time when you are both calm and can approach the conversation with good energy instead of bad. I know calm time can be hard to find but when properly motivated you can find it.

#2 – Do not attack.

This is very important and something that many of us do without thinking. And it gets us nowhere.

Let’s say that your partner is always getting home from work late. Instead of saying “You are always late. Why do you have to be such a jerk?” try saying “It makes me sad when you are always home late from work. I work hard to get us all together for a family dinner and I really miss it when you aren’t there.”

Look carefully at the difference here. If you use the first example your partner will immediately get on the defensive and the conversation will be over before it begins.

In the second example you are sharing how you FEEL and no one can argue with how you FEEL. And how you feel is the truth.

What is not the truth is that your partner is a jerk for coming home late.

#3 – Respond in such a way that they know you understand what they are saying.

This is very hard to do and can feel very contrived but it is a key part of listening and being heard.

It’s called a reflective response. In the case of the example above, with the partner who didn’t come home in time for dinner, the perfect response for the partner to say would be: “I am sorry that my lateness makes you feel so sad.” With that statement you know that your partner has understood what you are trying to say.

And hopefully, with that understanding will come the motivation to not be home late.

#4 – Try to remember that we are all only human.

We all make mistakes. More often than not our troublesome actions are not a reflection of our feelings about someone but are the result of a variety of things (time, motivation, energy level, distractions) that all work together and create a situation that isn’t ideal.

Next time you are quick to react to something your partner does, take a moment a try to figure out why it happened. Perhaps you won’t need the two hours to decompress after all.

#5 – Be ready to say sorry and to forgive.

This can be the hardest thing of all for people… to say they are sorry and to forgive perceived wrongs… but it is one of the most important parts of any relationship.

Why don’t we want to say we are sorry? Because it will convey weakness? Because we can’t let go of our anger? Because we are embarrassed by our actions?

Whatever the reason, we need to learn how to do it. Next time you are having a disagreement with your partner, try apologizing. See how quickly the anger deflates, on both sides.

In the same vein, we need to forgive and not hold onto anger. Holding on to anger is one of the most destructive forces in any relationship. If your partner apologizes for his or her actions you need to find it in your heart to remember that they are only human and that they have taken responsibility for their actions and that life must move forward.

So there you go, 5 ways to get past being angry with your partner.

Conflict, and the resulting anger, with anyone can be devastating and especially so with a partner. Left unchecked anger can take on a life of it’s own and destroy everything in its path.

Don’t let that happen to you. Try the steps above tonight and see the difference. And then settle down to a nice peaceful, conflict free evening.

Sounds worth it, no?

Get in touch with me NOW for more ways to help your dreams come true. You will be happy you did!

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!

5 Ways to Make your Partner Feel Loved, Even if it Can Be Hard to Connect

Being a mom and a partner can be tough. From the moment that your child is born all your genetic material calls to you to make this child your priority. To make sure it survives in this perilous world. Unfortunately, it is this exact thing that can create a huge divide between you and your partner. Until your child is born you put your relationship with your partner first. Suddenly that is no longer the case and this can cause severe strain between the two of you, strain that can stretch a marriage to breaking without a little care and keeping.

5 Ways to Make Your Partner Feel Loved:

#1 – Do for your partner the things that make him or her feel loved, NOT the things that you would like done to you. This is easier said than done because we don’t always know what makes our partner feel loved. In his book, The 5 Love Languages, Gary Chapman lists 5 ways that someone wants to be loved – physical touch, words of affection, quality time, acts of service and receiving gifts. Both of you should go to his website www.5lovelanguages.com and take the love languages test so that you can learn what your partner needs to feel loved.

#2 – Tell your partner that you love them. I hear it all the time. I ask a client if they tell their partner that they love them and my client says “He/She knows that I love them.” Maybe this is true and maybe it is not. Regardless, you should look your partner in the eye and tell him/her every day that you love them. It means a lot for people to be told that they are loved or that they are beautiful or that you miss them. They might “know it” already but words are very meaningful. Kristen never heard from her spouse when he was away and it was very painful. They argued about it almost every time he left. I suggested that she tell him that she loved him very much and missed him when he was gone. She says that he has called her every night he is away since she told him how she felt.

#3 – Touch your partner. Touch is one of the most primeval ways to communicate with another person. Long before there were words, scientists say, humans beings communicated with gestures and touch. Animals still do. We know the importance of touch with our babies, that touch encourages bonding and trust. Take that same perspective with your partner. Hug them when they walk in the door, take their hand in the hardware store, wrap yourself around them when you go to sleep at night. Touching your partner will speak volumes about the love that you have for them.

#4 – Be Kind. I know this seems basic but it is something that gets lost in the chaos of family life. I know, from personal experience, that as our family grew, as my life became more stressful, I took it out on my husband. I nit picked and nagged and snapped and even yelled, all for things that were as often as not not his fault. And I saw the hurt in his eyes every time I did it. I would take it all back if I could. My not being kind to him created a chasm between us that was hard to repair. My client, Jessie, came to me about problems with her husband. They had a 2 year old and she felt the distance growing between them every day but she didn’t know why. When I asked if she was kind to him she looked at me with surprise, paused and said, with a sense of wonder, “no.” She set the intention to be kind that very day and it has brought them back together in a very meaningful way.

#5 – Give them freedom. You know the saying “If you love someone set them free.” Often, amidst the chaos of every day life, we cling to our partners as a life raft, needing them with us always to keep us from drowning in the messiness. This clinginess can actually drive someone away, however, because your partner will become resentful of your need to constantly have them by your side. Both of you should have some time away from the chaos, regularly, sometimes together and sometimes apart. We were all individuals once, before we became a couple and then a family, and it’s important to nurture that individual in ourselves, so that we can be a better partner and a better parent.

So there you go, the 5 Ways to Make your Partner Feel Loved. These suggestions aren’t always easy and might require some effort on your part but stop for a minute and try to imagine what it would feel like to love and feel loved by your partner, every day, as you navigate through this crazy world. Pretty good, don’t you think?

How about you? Do you feel loved? Do you make your partner feel loved? Do you have any ideas that I have missed?

Mitzi Bockmann is a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. Her writing has been published in The Huffington PostPrevention MagazineThe Good Man Projectamong others. She works exclusively with women to help them to be all that they want to be in this crazy world in which we live.

Looking for more ways to finding happiness? Contact me NOW and I can help!