Are you wondering if it’s time to break up with someone who is making you miserable?
Are you unhappy in your relationship but perhaps rationalizing why you should stay, wondering if things would be different with someone else?
Are you scared that you might be making a mistake if you walk away and worried that you might never be happy again?
Let me help you.
Deciding to let go of someone you love is a very hard thing to do. Much like the hope that a coma victim will wake up, the hope of resurrecting lost love is one that’s hard to let go of.
So, how do you know when it’s time to break up with someone? Check out my list below. If any, or all, of these criteria fit your situation then perhaps it’s time to end your relationship and move on.
#1 – Can you talk about things?
Relationships are very intense and very personal. A key part of keeping a relationship healthy is communication.
When issues arise, it is important that they are addressed head on, with clearly spoken words and a mutual understanding about what is being said. It is important that there is a give and take so that everyone’s needs are met and that both people feel safe and secure in the relationship.
Relationships that end usually involve people who can no longer communicate. They aren’t able to talk about their feelings and they aren’t able to listen to others talk about theirs. They aren’t able to address issues and so they fester.
If you are in a relationship without communication, one where you don’t feel safe sharing how you feel, then it might be time to let go of the relationship and move forward.
#2 – Are you getting mixed messages?
Is your person alternating hot and cold?
Do some days they seem like their loving self and then on others are they crabby and distant and no fun to be with?
Are they one moment kind and loving and then another dismissive and condescending?
Do they disappear only to reappear with lame excuses?
Is the way they are treating you now very different from the way they treated you in the beginning?
People who are ‘all in’ in a relationship don’t give you mixed messages. Of course, no one is perfect and there will be moments of anger and impatience and harsh word, but people in healthy relationships, in general, treat each other with respect. They are consistent with their feelings and honest about their behaviors.
If your person makes you feel constantly off kilter and anxious, it is definitely a sign that it might be time to let them go.
#3 – Does history keeps repeating itself?
Are you and your person stuck in a cycle of good and bad, up and down, highs and lows? Are there days when things feel almost like they used to and then days when things are so bad that you want to cry?
Does your person tell you that he needs space and disappear only to reappear a few weeks later telling you how much he misses you?
Do you fight over the same subjects over and over?
Do you live constantly with the hope that things will change but they never do, no matter how hard either one, or both, of you try?
If you find yourself in these kinds of patterns, where things are never constantly good but rather a roller coaster of emotions that is sucking you dry, then it’s time to let break up with someone who makes you feel that way and move on.
#4 – Are you staying for the wrong reasons?
Be honest. Do you sometimes think that you just can’t let this person go because you believe if you do that you will never love, or be loved, again?
Does the prospect of going back to online dating or thinking that you might have to attend the Christmas party alone make you feel nothing but dread?
Perhaps you feel like you have so much time invested in this person and you don’t believe in giving up?
Are you staying because you know that your person could change if you just loved them enough?
If you are staying for any reason other than the fact that you love them and are happy with who they are right now, then you are staying for the wrong reasons.
Know that, you will only find the love and happiness you seek if you can let go of someone who is wrong for you and move forward to find someone who will love you the way you want to be loved.
#5 – You don’t have a life of your own.
It is very important that both sides of a relationship are not completely reliant on the other for their happiness.
I have a client whose whole life has to revolve around her husband. He insists that she wake up with him, make him breakfast, get him off to work, clean the house after he is gone, bring him lunch at work, make dinner for when he comes home and watch what he wants to watch every night.
She has been forced to turn her back on everyone in her life so that her husband can be happy. She tells herself that she is happy because he is happy but really, she isn’t.
She doesn’t feel good about who she is in the world. She has no self-confidence and no dreams for the future. All she has is her husband and a life that is making her miserable.
Make sure that, when you are in a relationship, you have lots of things in your life outside of it. Make sure you have a job, or a hobby, that you love. Make sure that you have friends who you can play with. Make sure that you spend time by yourself so that you are comfortable being alone.
Make sure that you are making choices for how you want to live your life and that you aren’t being controlled by your partner.
If you have lost yourself and your life is out of you control, perhaps it’s time to break up with someone who has made it that way.
I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are wondering if it’s time to break up with someone because you suspect, deep down, that this relationship will only make you miserable.
But it’s hard to admit this and even harder to let go.
It is essential, for your mental health and the health of your future love life, that you pay close attention to whether this relationship can ever make you happy.
I can promise you that holding onto to someone whose attentions are inconsistent, to a relationship where toxic patterns are repeated and one in which you have no control will only prevent you from finding the person who can really love you the way that you want to be loved!
You can do this! I promise.
To help you let go of love and move on, I have created a course that helps people get over a broken heart and rebuild their life, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On. You might find it to be just the thing you need to take that first step towards the rest of your life!