5 Things To Do To Keep your Marriage Happy and 5 Things Not to Do

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Good for you for looking for things to do to keep your marriage happy.

Marriage is long and hard and being proactive is the best way to keep it healthy. So many of us put off working on our marriage, hoping that someday we will have the opportunity to do so, only to find that it ‘ s too late.

Of course, alongside with the importance of doing things to keep your marriage healthy are things that you definitely should NOT do. Ironically, they are often two sides of the same coin and understanding that can make them easier to manage.

Here are 5 things to do to keep your marriage happy and 5 things not to do. Read on!

#1 – Do: Communicate

If you have read any of my blogs, or those of other relationship coaches, you will know by now the NUMBER ONE most important thing to do to keep your marriage happy is communication.

What kind of communication? Communication about feelings, about household chores, about expectations, about in-laws, about work schedules, about the kids, about the dogs, about your friends, about money, about anything and everything to do with your marriage.

Without communication, relationships can, and will, stall out. Without communication, people hurt each other unintentionally. Without communication, couples lose their connection.

Why don ‘ t couples communicate? Most commonly it is because they don ‘ t want to cause their partner pain but also because they don ‘ t make the time or they don ‘ t want to deal with the fallout or they just don ‘ t think to do it. Those are pretty lame excuses to not do the key thing that could keep a marriage happy.

So, don ‘ t just TRY to communicate – do it! I promise you that if you do, it will be worth it.

Don ‘ t: Be Passive Aggressive

The flip side of communication is passive aggression. The definition of someone who is passive aggressive is someone who ‘ ˜uses indirect resistance as a reaction to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials. ‘

Are you someone who says they will do something, knowing you won ‘ t? Are you someone who reacts to a comment from your partner with a sneer and a roll of the eyes? Are you someone who puts off things, even if you know that they are important to your partner?

All of these things are hallmarks of someone who is passive aggressive. More than almost anything, passive aggression can sabotage a happy relationship.

If there is one thing to do to keep your marriage healthy it is to never be passive aggressive – communicate with your person. If you can communicate about your wants and needs, you will find yourself happier than you ever thought you could be.

#2 – Do: Work together

My daughter always said that her friend ‘ s parents who were still together when she went off to college were parents who worked well together.

Instead of one person being in charge, both adults made the decisions around social life, kid ‘ s activities, time around the holidays, date nights etc. All of these things allowed the couple to stay connected in a way that if one person had been in charge would not be possible.

Furthermore, the ability to work well together will make passive aggressiveness less likely, which will only make your relationship healthier.

Don ‘ t: Divide and Conquer

When my husband and I were married, we decided to divide and conquer. He was the one who went to work and made the money. I was the one who stayed home and was in charge of the family and the house. I wish we had never done that.

His focus was work – which made me angry and resentful. My focus was on our children and their lives – which made him angry and resentful.

I always thought that once the kids were gone we would have an opportunity to work our way back to each other, to work together to be happy, but we never got the chance!

#3 – Do: Be Willing to Forgive

The importance of being able to forgive cannot be understated. The ability to forgive may be equal to the definition of love.

We are all of us humans. Human beings who laugh, cry, make mistakes, do big things, who are impulsive and damaged. As a result, people, humans, make mistakes.

If you hold onto a mistake that someone has made, it will only eat you up inside. If you hold onto a mistake that someone made thinking that they did it because they didn ‘ t love you, it will only destroy your relationship.

Are you willing to forgive someone for making a human mistake? Would you want someone to forgive you if you did?

Don ‘ t: Hold grudges

My mother could hold a grudge like no one ‘ s business. If my dad did one thing wrong, it was unforgivable.

I remember that he used to come home late every night and that he did he didn ‘ t pay attention to her. She was hurt and got passive aggressive which made him pay even less attention to her.

My mother never got over that. As a result, their marriage ended in shambles and she held onto her anger at my father for the rest of her life. I believe that, ultimately, those grudges killed her.

Are you someone who holds on to grudges? Are those grudges getting you anywhere? Are they injuring your relationship? If so, try to let them go.

#4 – Do: Keep the romance going

I am in an incredibly healthy relationship and the reason is, I believe, that we are determined to never stop making sure the other feels loved.

We make an effort to tell each other how we feel about each other, to give each other physical attention, to give each other space, to give each other understanding, to forgive each other when we need to. We work on this every single day. It ‘ s not always easy but it is totally worth it

We ‘ ve been together for four years and to this day we are like a young couple in love.

Don ‘ t: Take each other for granted.

The death of many relationships is caused when someone takes the other one for granted.

When they assume that their person will always be there for them. When they assume that no matter what they say, or do, they will be forgiven. When they believe that some day they will be able to fix everything that is broken. When they aren ‘ t willing to get divorced but aren ‘ t willing to work on the marriage either.

My boyfriend and I rarely take each other for granted. If either one feels like we are to being taken for granted, we speak up, immediately, so the other person knows how we are feeling

#5 – Do: Talk about your sex life.

As marriages go on, sex lives can often be diminished. Whether it ‘ s because of work, kids, loss of interest, or anxiety, married people ‘ s sex lives can be a mess.

Unfortunately, when this happens, couples are hesitant to talk about it. Like money, the topic of sex is very fraught. We believe that discussing it will only lead to embarrassment, shame and pain.

As a result, the topic of sex is swept under the table and because of this, couple’s sex lives diminish or disappear,

And a marriage will struggle to be a happy one with no sex.

Don ‘ t: Go looking elsewhere for love and affection

Many people who are in unhealthy relationships, who are taken for granted, who don ‘ t communicate, who can not forgive each other or work together, whose sex life is difficult, can, and do, find themselves vulnerable to finding love and affection elsewhere.

More often than not, people don ‘ t go looking for affection but when it is put in front of them they find they can ‘ t resist.

Seeking love and affection elsewhere is a sure fire way to make sure that your relationship isn’t not a happy one and might even end it.

Knowing things to do to keep your marriage happy is the key to doing so.

That being said, understanding what is important NOT to do is just as important.

Know that if you can communicate, if you can work together and forgive each other, if you can keep the romance going and if you can talk about sex, you will find that you can have a marriage that will withstand the test of time and remain happy.

I know that this list is daunting. If so, choose one of the items above to start and then do it! Even one thing can make a big difference!

I know that you can do this!

 

5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

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Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

5 Things That You Can Do RIGHT NOW to Make your Wife Happy

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Are you looking for things that you can do right now to make your wife happy?

Did you used to find it very easy to make her happy but now, as the years have gone by, are you finding it more difficult?

Do you long to bring your relationship back to a place where you feel more connected and you know that she feels loved?

Good for you! And you know, as a guy, that action is the best way to get what you want.

If I can sum up in one word that thing that can make your wife happy, it’s ROMANCE. I know it ‘ s a scary word but your fear of it is one of the reasons why you are where you are today.

So what kind of romance am I talking about? Here are 5 romantic things that you can do right now to make your wife happy.

#1 – Tell her she looks nice.

I am sure right now you are thinking that you tell your wife she looks nice all the time. But I want you to really think about it. How often do you really look at your wife? I mean really look and take note of the things that made you attracted to her in the first place? And when you do, do you verbalize what you are seeing?

One of the things that I know from being married, and from my clients, is that we women often feel invisible. We feel like we are taken for granted. We feel like our person no longer sees us the way they used to and that makes us feel unloved.

A client of mine lost weight over the summer and bought herself a killer dress for a party she and her husband were attending. She dressed carefully that night, excited to see her husband ‘ s face when he saw her. His reaction? Nada.

I would encourage you to take the time to really look at your wife, to take note of what she ‘ s wearing, how she ‘ s looking, to reconnect with the things that you love about her.

I can promise you that, if you mention even one small thing about your wife ‘ s appearance, you will make her happy, even if she doesn ‘ t act like it.

(Note: Under NO circumstances mention her weight. Period.)

#2 – Set up a date.

Many couples, when they are having discussions about their relationship, promise that they will make time for each other regularly. And then what happens? Life gets in the way and they don ‘ t.

Furthermore, when couples agree to spend more time together, it is often left to the wife to make the plans, to figure out the date, to cover the babysitting, to make the reservations. All those things are things that she has to do every day around her family and her work and this will just be one more thing. And she will resent it.

I can promise you that, if you make an effort to plan a date night with your wife, if you decide when and where, you cover babysitting, and you choose an outing that you know she ‘ ll enjoy, this is a thing that you can do right now to make your wife happy.

Just planning the date alone, I can promise you, will give your wife some joy.

You can do this. You know you can. So, do it.

#3 – Take some weight off her shoulders.

Many wives carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. The house care, the childcare, the scheduling, their work, their parents, you. All these things are things that they have to deal with on a daily basis.

All of these things get very heavy.

I would encourage you to try to lift some of the weight off of your wife ‘ s shoulders, even if just for a day.

I would also encourage to not ask her what she needs but to look for an opportunity and to just do it. You can tell her that you are going to do it, but don ‘ t ask her if you can do it.

Part of taking the weight off of your wife’s shoulders, is making it so she doesn ‘ t have to make a decision about whether to let you help her and what you can help her with. That ‘ s just one more thing on her shoulders. Just do something that you know she would like done and do it.

So, take a look at what your wife needs and help her take a load off. I can promise you doing so is one of those things you can do right now to make your wife happy.

#4 – Give her a gift.

Imagine if your wife walked into the room right now and gave you a gift. Something small, but something that was meaningful to you. How good would that feel?

So, why don ‘ t you do the same for your wife? A small gift would be just the thing to brighten her day.

A very important part of gift giving is what you give her for a gift. My ex-husband and I had an agreement that he could never give me something that would have a power cord, after a friend of ours gave his girlfriend an alarm clock! He stuck to that and the gifts he gave me were very thoughtful. They made me feel loved and appreciated in the moment.

I encourage you to go out right now and buy something that you know your wife would like. If you have no idea what she would like, ask her friends. They will know exactly what she wants.

#5 – Hug her.

I never put this one at the beginning of a list of things you can do to make your wife happy. Even though they might desperately want to be hugged, many women feel overwhelmed these days by their life and their up-and-down relationships with their husbands.

As a result, if their husband reaches out for a hug in a way he hasn ‘ t for a long time, they might pull back, unsure and surprised.

But, if you have done all the things that I recommend above, or at least a few of them, your wife will be way more receptive to a hug than she might have been before.

Hugs are said to be a key to keeping a relationship healthy. A 10 second hug every day – experts say – connect people in a way that is profound.

And, hugs are relatively safe. Sex can be fraught with all sorts of issues but hugs are just lovely, little, and sweet.

So there you have 5 things that you can do right now to make your wife happy and to bring some romance into your relationship.

I know that romance might not be a priority for you but it definitely is for a woman. Particularly, if she is a wife with a lot of responsibilities.

So, dig deep. That romantic you is in there somewhere. After all, she fell in love with you once.

You can do this! You will be glad you did.

 

5 Reasons Why You Keep Holding On to Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

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Do you wake up every morning and wonder why you keep holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you?

Do you want more than anything to love and be loved but are you sabotaging that dream because you can ‘ t walk away from somebody who is doesn ‘ t love you and is it making you miserable?

Holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you is not an unusual thing. So many of us just want our relationships to work and so we keep on trying and trying, often to no avail.

What I can tell you is that, if you know the reasons why you keep holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you, it will help you understand why you are doing what you ‘ re doing and help you make change.

Here are 5 reasons why you keep holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you.

#1 – You believe that you love them.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients tell me that the reason that they are staying in their relationship is because they love their person.

When I ask them what it is that they love about their person their response is always ‘ ˜things were wonderful in the beginning, ‘ or ‘ ˜we have great sex, ‘ or ‘ ˜we have fun sometimes ‘ or even ‘ ˜we are soul mates. ‘

Then I ask ‘ ˜When was the last time they did something to make you happy? ‘ That question is usually met with silence.

The reality is, if you are with someone who doesn ‘ t love you, you are most likely no longer in love with them either. It ‘ s hard to stay in love with someone who treats you badly. What you are in love with is being in a relationship, not being alone. It’s important that you not confuse the two!

And, by the way, this person certainly isn ‘ t your soulmate. Why would your soulmate hurt you, on purpose, every day?

I encourage you to take stock of why you think you still love your person. What you discover might surprise you.

#2 – You are afraid of more pain.

Chances are, if you are holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you, you have been in a lot of pain recently.

There is nothing worse than spending time with someone who doesn ‘ t treat you with love and respect. We call it the ‘ ˜thousand little cuts ‘ – those daily small cuts that are deep and painful.

So, at this point, you are exhausted from suffering through all this pain and you are worried that, if you let go of your person, having more pain just might be more than you can bear.

What I can promise you is that, if you stay in this relationship, the pain will never ease. Every day that goes by being with someone who doesn ‘ t love you gets increasingly painful. It ‘ s like the pain stacks up on itself until finally it ‘ s so heavy that you can ‘ t carry it anymore.

I can also promise you that, if you do let go of this relationship, you will feel some pain. It might even be some intense pain. But that pain will fade. And what will also fade is pain from the ‘thousand little cuts’ that you get every day.

So, if you are afraid of the pain and that is why you were holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you, I can promise you letting go of that person is the only way to truly let go of the pain and move forward.

#3 – You are holding out hope.

Be honest – are you hoping that if you just hold on long enough, your relationship will heal?

Are you hoping that if you just love them enough they will realize how wonderful you are and start loving you again?

Are you hoping things will go back to the way they were at the beginning, when you were happy?

Holding out hope is a big part of holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you. None of us want to let go of hope, none of us want to walk from away from a relationship that was once so promising, no one wants to just give up.

But I can tell you this – if your person, the person they are right now, doesn ‘ t love you, they won ‘ t just start loving you again, no matter how kind you are, how much you do for them or how much sex you have with them. A person who doesn ‘ t love someone is not going to change unless they want to change.

What I can tell you is that spending even a minute more holding out hope that this relationship will work if you can just be better, is a minute that could be spent being hopeful about the future – about a future with the love that is out there waiting for you.

So, unless the person in front of you is telling you that they are actively working to love you again, holding out hope is futile. Let it go!

#4 – You are scared of them.

This is one of those things that people don ‘ t often talk about. For many people who are holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love them, they are doing so because they are scared.

They are scared of how their person will react if they leave. They are scared of the words of anger, that they might hear. They are afraid things might get physical. They might also be scared that their person won ‘ t let them go.

This happens a lot when someone breaks up with someone else – their person can ‘ t let them go. They say they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship, but they keep coming back for sex and companionship. You might be scared that if you let go of this person who doesn ‘ t love you, they might keep holding onto you, leaving you in this no man ‘ s land for a long time.

So, take stock of why you are scared to leave the person who doesn ‘ t love you. Are you afraid of their reaction? Are you afraid that they might get physical? Are you afraid that they just won ‘ t let you go and you won ‘ t be able to move forward?

Knowing what you are scared of is the best way to deal with that fear so that you can let go and move on to a life of happiness.

#5 – You are worried about the future.

Many people who keep holding on to someone who doesn ‘ t love them do so because they ‘ re worried about the future. More specifically, they are scared that they will never love or be loved again.

Many of the people who contact me to help them deal with their toxic relationships don ‘ t leave the relationship because they are sure that there will never be another person out there for them, that this person is their person and that walking away from them means they will be left with nothing and no one.

I can tell you that the only reason that you should be afraid of the future is if you choose stay with your person. Being with someone who doesn ‘ t love you, staying with someone who doesn ‘ t treat you the way you want to be treated, will only doom you to a future of unhappiness, kind of like the life you are living now!

I have never yet met a person who didn ‘ t find someone after they let go of the person who didn ‘ t love them. Once they healed, they moved back out into the world and found somebody who could love them the way they want to be loved.

That can be you!

Holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you is very self-destructive and it ‘ s time for you to stop.

I know that you think you love them and that you are holding out hope for the future and that you are scared of pain and of them maybe not letting you go, but the worst thing that you can do for yourself is to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.

Staying is thing that will guarantee that you will never be happy.

I know that leaving won’t be easy. Because of that, I have created a course to support you during your break up, to help you let go of love, get past the pain and move forward towards the life, and the love, you want. Check it out here.

You can do this. I know it seems scary but millions of people have done it before you and not only survived it but thrived after. You can be one of those people!

 

 

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