5 Surprising Signals that Your Relationship is Toxic and it’s Time to Run

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Are you looking for signals that your relationship is toxic?

Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are just too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can see the signals that your relationship is toxic and make the hard choice about whether to stay or go.

Here are 5 surprising signals that your relationship is toxic, five signals that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You find yourself tip toeing around.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action sand feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like, she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends lots of time in the garage, knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear signal that your relationship is toxic.

No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is at an all time low.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic, we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases, it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. They are like a thousand little cuts that might not bleed much but that ultimately leave you bloodless.

She no longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a signal that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – You are always sick.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not feeling loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eating well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a signal that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider whether it’s time to run, maybe to literally save your life.

#4 – You see substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be paid attention to. And not just signs of substance abuse in your partner but in yourself.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to drugs, alcohol and infidelity to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

Furthermore, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – You no longer have friends.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, your individual friends may pull away from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing you from entering a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is our reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what the next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends, you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

5 Reasons Your Married Man Stayed with His Wife but Won’t Let You Go

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are miserable, that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go.

I am guessing that you have spent months, years, maybe even decades, believing that he would do what he said he would do and leave his wife. And now you know for sure – he isn ‘ t going to do it.

But I am guessing the most painful part of it is that he won ‘ t let you go. That, in spite of the fact that he has made you promises that he has broken and that he has chosen his wife over you, he won ‘ t let you go. It sucks.

The question you are most probably asking is ‘why?’ Why won ‘ t he just let you go so that you get on with your life?

Let me tell you why your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go nonetheless.

#1 – You give him pleasure.

One of the reasons that you and your married guy got together in the first place was because of the pleasure that you gave each other.

Most likely, your married guy was in an unhappy marriage and when he met you he found the happiness that he wasn ‘ t getting at home. And you were probably so thrilled to find a man who finally got you that you were willing to take a risk, even though he was married.

And now, how many months, years or decades later, while you might be mostly miserable because of his broken promises, he still gets pleasure from being with you.

You are a break from the routine of this life. When you aren ‘ t fighting about why he won ‘ t leave his wife, you still laugh together. The sex is great because of all the drama. And I am guessing that you take care of him – which he loves.

If he lets you go, your married man will lose that pleasure. He will lose having someone in his life who is willing to fight for him, to care for him. And he needs that. Desperately.

Be honest with yourself. Is what I have said above true? Do you have a lot of miserable nights but are you still very much getting pleasure from each other ‘ s company when things are good? I am guessing so.

Why would he let that go?

#2 – He is still miserable.

I have a client who, after one and a half years of hoping that her married man would leave his wife, finally walked away. She just couldn ‘ t take it anymore. And she was determined to not take him back.

And he freaked out! He was back with his wife but he was still miserable. Nothing had changed. They stayed together for the children or the finances or maybe even to work on the marriage, but the reality is is that, even if a couple is working on a marriage, the going will be rough.

And guys don ‘ t like rough. They like to have their paths smooth and easy because a rough one is exhausting.

My client did manage to walk away, finally. And she never talked to her married guy again. But she does occasionally stalk him on social media and see the pictures that he posts of him and his wife, ‘ ˜having fun ‘ together. They look happy but she can still see in his eyes that he is miserable. It makes her want to go back and take care of him, because she still loves him, but she knows that, while he might still love her, he would merely be using her to make himself feel better in his world.

We all know what it ‘ s like to be in an unhappy relationship and the prospect of finding happiness again without doing the hard work of fixing it is irresistible. Unfortunately, the band aid of an affair is only a stop gap, a way to get your emotional needs tended to without doing the hard work. And the prospect of having that band aid fall off permanently is the reason that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go

#3 – He is jealous.

Again, your man is most likely miserable now that he has stayed with his wife. Even if they are going to therapy, their journey is a long one and one that he is, most likely, dreading.

For you, however, the sky is the limit. If you can let go of your married guy, yes you will have to start dating again, but the opportunity to actually be happy, to get your life back, to rebuild your self-esteem and find love again, is yours for the taking. And the idea of that makes him crazy!

A client of mine, after finally being able to let go of her married guy, jumped into building a business for herself as a way to fill the hole left by his absence. As she built her business she reconnected with old friends, travelled, exercised and got a dog. As her business grew and she didn ‘ t have to spend every waking hour obsessing about her guy, her self-esteem flourished. For the first time in a long time, she didn ‘ t feel like second best. She didn ‘ t feel abandoned.

And what happened? One day she was having lunch with a friend when a friend of her friend walked by. Their first contact was electric and within a week they were spending time together. Because she had rebuilt her life after her affair, she was willing and able to find a healthy relationship, one that made her feel important and loved.

And her married man? He was still living the same life that he had before he met her, with future happiness unknown. Why would he want to let her go if her prospects of happiness made him jealous, made him feel bad about his?

No, it would be easier, and selfish, for him to put his needs first and give her no chance to be happy.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want anything to change.

Nobody likes change. In my experience, guys especially don ‘ t like change. Change messes up the order of their universe and drastic change can have a big effect.

If your married guy stays with his wife but still won ‘ t let you go it is very likely that he is doing so so that things will remain as they are. Yes, it is tough for him to have to fight with you about his marriage but he still gets a lot out of your relationship. If he let you go there would be a void that he would have to fill, his routines around finding time for you would shift and he might find himself preoccupied and distracted by the new order of things.

Change is scary. Any kind of change. And no one wants it if they can possibly stop it. And letting go of a relationship, of any kind, is the worst change of all!

#5 – You let him.

The number one reason why your married guy stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go is because you let him.

Be honest with yourself. Are you still hanging on? Do you feel like he is your soul mate and that walking away would be a big mistake? Do you still hold out hope that he will leave his wife and be with you? Do you think that you will never find anyone to love you the way he does again?

For many women who say their man ‘ ˜won ‘ t let them go ‘ they have an equal share in the ‘ ˜why. ‘ They want out, they say, but they don ‘ t follow through. Sure, maybe for a day or a week but then their person reaches out to them and lures them back in again. And this can happen over and over and over.

We all have free will – we are in control of our universe and we can decide what we want to do and follow through. You saying that your guy is forcing you to stay is a cop-out. You are staying because you want to. You are staying because you can ‘ t walk away. You are staying because you can’t find the courage to leave.

The best way to get your married man to let you go is to walk away. To let him go. For all the reasons I listed above he won ‘ t leave you. But you can leave him.

The sooner you do the sooner you can get yourself back and start living your life!

Having your married man stay with his wife but not let you go is, unfortunately, not unusual in our world.

While everyone thinks that their affair involves a love that is greater than all loves, that their person is their soulmate, in reality we are all just people in the world, doing our best to find love and be happy. And people are fallible, no matter how much love they might feel.

As a result, letting go of someone who makes them happy, no matter how selfish the motivation, is very hard to do.

On a final note, I want you to review the list above. Every single one involves what YOU do for HIM. None of those things are because he wants to make you happy or take care of you. He keeps you around for himself. Period.

Walk away. Now. You can do it!

5 Ways to Know When It’s Time to Break Up with Someone

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Recognizing when it ‘ s time to break up with someone is one of the hardest things to do.

We get into relationships with so many hopes and dreams and, when they start to go awry, it ‘ s hard for us to face the facts. As a result, we struggle to figure out when it ‘ s time to break up with someone because we just don ‘ t want to face it.

I am guessing all of your friends are telling you many reasons why you should be breaking up with your person but you think that they don ‘ t know him the way you do so why should you listen? I ‘ m here to tell you that there are five concrete, universal signs that you should look for to know when it ‘ s time to break up with someone. Listen and learn ‘ ¦

#1 – If they lie to you more than once.

Does your person lie to you? Do they lie to you over and over? If yes, then it might just be time to break up with them.

We all tell lies. Sometimes little white lies to prevent us from hurting someone else. Sometimes lies because we are embarrassed by something we did. Sometimes lies that are unintentional.

The difference between these kind of lies and the kind of lies that show it ‘ s time to break up with someone is their frequency.

Do find that you are continually catching your person in a lie? Do they lie about why they came home late or why they can ‘ t see you or who they were hanging out with or whether they left the dishes in the sink?

Even worse, do you find they are lying to you over and over and over about the same subject, sometimes using different lies but often just some version of the one they used before?

People who lie in their relationships do so to protect themselves. They know that they are doing things that they shouldn ‘ t be doing and they feel guilty about it, so they lie. They don ‘ t want to get into a fight with you about the dishes in the sink, so they lie. They don’t want you to come along, so they lie.

And do they always lie again when they are caught in a lie?

If you are finding that your person is lying to you over and over then it ‘ s definitely time to break up with them.

Healthy relationships are built on trust and if you can ‘ t trust your person you have no chance of being happy. Furthermore, a person who is lying to you over and over is not someone who loves and respects you the way you deserve to be loved and respected. Finally, who wants to spend their whole life not believing a thing that their person is saying to them.

It sounds like a recipe for disaster to me!

#2 – If they disappear.

Be honest. At the beginning of your relationship was your person always around and available? Did they text you all day long, call you late at night, always wanting to know what you were doing, what you were wearing, when they were going to see you next? And, do they still do that? Again, be honest.

A big sign that it ‘ s time to break up with someone is when your person disappears. If they usually text you good morning and they stop, that ‘ s a sign they may not be still into you. If they are AWOL for a few hours where normally they might be available, that ‘ s a sign that you might not be able to trust them. If they say they will spend time with you but then have an excuse for why they were doing something else, how can you not wonder why they didn ‘ t want to be with you.

Imagine if you had a friend who was consistently letting you down, not responding to your text messages, blowing off dates, disappearing when you needed them. Would you stay with a friend like that? Would you invest more time on someone who doesn ‘ t have the respect for you and your time that you deserve? Of course, you wouldn ‘ t. That friend would be sidelined immediately.

So, if you would let go of a friend who did that, why wouldn ‘ t you let go of a person who was doing that to you? Having a lover doing it to you is even worse than a friend because they are supposed to be your person, they are supposed to be prioritizing you, they should love and respect you enough that they will be there when they say they would.

If you person keeps disappearing, stop making excuses for them and let them go.

#3 – If history keeps repeating itself.

Ok, we have covered lying and disappearing and the fact that if those things are done over and over its definitely time to break up with someone.

People fight, people mistreat each other, people call each other bad names. People disappear and reappear without an excuse. People break up with each other and then they get back together. People watch ahead on the series that you were watching together.

Those things happen – we are only human and make mistakes all the time.

That being said, if you find that you and your person are having the same fight over and over, then it might be time to end things.

If you find that you break up and get back together and then break up and get back together, that is definitely a sign that your relationship should be stopping at the break up next time.

If your person goes out with their ex and lies about it, over and over, then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

So, think about your relationship? Do the same things keep happening over and over with no change? Do you get promises that things will be different next time only to have them be the exact same? Do you find you are repeatedly fighting about the same stupid thing without any resolution?

If you said yes to any of those things, it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with someone.

#4 – If they remind you of your ex.

Do you ever find yourself in a fight with your person and does it suddenly pop into your head that they are just like your ex?

When your partner has another excuse for why he won ‘ t be around, do you think back to all of the times that your ex used to do the same thing?

When you reach out for a hug only to be rebuffed, do you remember how your ex always had an excuse for why they couldn ‘ t touch you?

Unless we do our work after a breakup, unless we take the time to determine what went wrong and resolve to not repeat the same mistakes, we tend to choose the same type of person over and over and over. And, as a result, we find ourselves in the same position over and over and over – in an unhappy relationship.

If you are seeing your ex in your current partner then it is definitely a sign that it is time to break up with them. After all, your ex is your ex for a reason. Do you want to waste your time repeating history or do you want to walk away now and find someone who couldn ‘ t be more unlike your ex and who could potentially make you deliriously happy?

#5 – If your gut says it’s time.

This is the hardest sign to look out for. If it wasn ‘ t, you wouldn ‘ t be reading this article.

Our gut is always accurate! Always. And yet it is the thing that we tend to ignore more than anything. And that is why there are so many relationship coaches out there – to help us to see what we already know but aren ‘ t willing to face.

Think about your previous relationships. Did you see a red flag with someone right away but choose to ignore it, hoping that you were wrong? Did your gut tell you that your person was lying to you but did you ignore it, wanting so badly to believe them? Did your gut tell you that things were not okay when their touch no longer made you happy?

I am guessing that, in retrospect, you are wishing that you had paid more attention to your gut and not wasted so much time chasing something that wasn ‘ t meant to be.

If you are feeling, in your gut, that it is time to break up with someone, then it is time to break up with someone. My list will be very helpful for you to process this situation intellectually but it is the feeling that you get in your gut, the one that says run for the hills, that is really the indicator that it is time to break up with someone.

So, listen to it!

Knowing when it ‘ s the time to break up with someone is something that we sometimes just don ‘ t want to face.

We are so scared of being alone or not finding someone who can love us or hoping that things will change it makes us unable to face the very clear clues that the time has come to end the relationship. And so we stay and we suffer.

Keep an eye open for the signs, that they are lying or disappearing over and over and over. If they remind you of your ex or if your gut says to run. If you see those signs and you want to live happily ever, after then it ‘ s definitely time to walk away and find the right person for you!

You can do it! I promise!

5 Things to Do if You Can’t Get Over Your Wife Cheating

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In spite of all of your best efforts, are you finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating?

Do you want more than anything to do so so that you can move forward and out of this pain but find you just can ‘ t?

Is this inability to get over your wife cheating making you wonder if maybe the best thing to do is to just stuff it all down and hope it passes?

I get it. Everything you are struggling with is natural after finding that a partner has cheated.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to figure out what the next steps are, even if you haven ‘ t been able to get over your wife cheating.

Here are 5 of them:

#1 – Decide what you want.

Ok, so you are finding that you can ‘ t get over your wife cheating and, since you are reading this article, I am guessing that you are finding this very frustrating.

My question to you is – why you are finding this so frustrating?

Are you finding it frustrating because you want to forgive her so that you can stay together and live happily ever after?

Are you finding it frustrating because you find yourself hating her and you don ‘ t want to hate the mother of your children?

Are you finding it frustrating because you so want to end the marriage but you think that leaving isn’t an option if you can ‘ t past your wife ‘ s infidelity, that if you just leave you will be stuck in this cycle of anger forever?

Are you finding it frustrating because your friends are sick of hearing about this subject?

Is it something else completely?

Whatever the reason, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want, to set a goal that you are working towards. Why? Because without a goal to move towards, action is difficult.

If you want to get past your wife cheating because you would like to stay with her and live happily ever after then that will entail one course of action – most likely therapy.

If you want to get past your wife cheating for the kids, there is another course of action. Again, probably therapy to help you both manage the effect the infidelity will have on the kids.

If you want to get past your wife cheating so that you can move on without bad feelings then that ‘ s a whole other course of action, one that involves you doing what you need to do, not you as a couple need to do, to make that possible.

Whatever your reason for wanting to let go of your wife cheating, it ‘ s important to identify the ‘ ˜why ‘ you want to get over it and ‘ ˜what ‘ you want the outcome to be. There might not be just one outcome that you want but pick the one that feels the best in your stomach, the one that would feel like the best outcome at this time. It might be challenging but you can do it!

Of course, you might not be able to get the outcome that you want, ultimately, but you will have no chance, whatsoever, of getting it if you don ‘ t know what it is!

#2 – Tell her what you want.

Once you have decided what you want, it is important that you share this with your spouse. Even if you are still somewhat struggling with what you want, tell her that you could like to aim towards the thing that you decided you want to aim towards.

Why? Because it ‘ s important to know that you are on the same page before you take next steps.

If you want to stay together and be happy and she doesn ‘ t, you can decide whether or not you want to try anyway.

If you want out and she doesn ‘ t, then at least she knows what you want and she can decide if she wants to do the work to help your marriage end in a way that will help you all heal.

Whatever it is you want, it is important that you both know the direction that whatever work you do is headed.

How good would it feel for you to be on a path towards letting go, no matter what the outcome is? Because getting on that path, no matter the outcome, is better than standing still, not sure what steps to take next.

#3 – Be honest.

So – tell me the truth. Have you been honest with your spouse about how you feel about what has happened?

Those of us who have struggled with a spouse ‘ s infidelity all react in different ways. For me, I confronted the issue head on. I screamed and yelled and cried and talked and asked questions. I wanted to deal with this and move past it.

But that isn ‘ t always the way. For many people, learning about infidelity causes them to close down. Instead of telling their spouse how they feel about the cheating, they stay in their head, obsessing about what happened, imagining scenarios that may or may not be based on the truth.

Or perhaps you are acting like everything is fine. That the affair is over and you are ok with that and that you want to move on. Even if it ‘ s a lie.

Or perhaps you want more than anything to talk about it but you have been giving your wife the silent treatment because you are scared of the words that might be said.

What I can tell is that, if you aren ‘ t being honest with yourself, or your partner, about your feelings then there isn ‘ t any chance that you will be able to get over your wife cheating.

Stuffing down your feelings will only lead to more anger, not less, which is not what you want, I am guessing, if you are reading this article.

#4 – Explore your options.

One of the things that happen when we find out that our partners have been unfaithful is that we wonder what the future will look like.

We thought we had it all figured out. That the marriage would continue, even if there were issues. That love and respect were still part of your relationship and that would be enough to carry you through. That if you could just make it until the kids go off to college you guys would be ok!

Unfortunately, infidelity throws a wrench into all of those plans and we are left alone, afraid of the future.

I always encourage my clients who are struggling with exactly what you are struggling with to gather some information about what your future could look like.

While you might think that a future together would be impossible, reading up on other people ‘ s experiences might be helpful. Talking together with a therapist might help make the vision of the future a little clearer.

If you want to walk away from the marriage, perhaps you are hesitant to do so because of what could happen if you do. I know that when my husband left me I held on tight. I was scared that I would have to do my own taxes and that I would lose my health care and and have to get a low paying job and move out of my house. My research led me to understand that I wouldn ‘ t necessarily have to get a low paying job or lose my house. I could still get health insurance through the state and my taxes, well, I would think about those later. Knowing the answers to my questions helped me to have a clearer picture of what a future without my husband might look like

Without concrete information, making a decision about something, namely what your future looks like, is impossible. And, if you are stuck in this place where you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating, it might be because you are scared of the future and feeling stuck.

Knowing your options might help change that.

#5 – Take Action.

The number one most important thing for you to do if you are finding that you can ‘ t let go of your wife cheating is to finish this article and then stand up and take action.

I am guessing that for days, weeks or months you have been in a state of shock. Angry, sad, guilty, perhaps blaming yourself, scared, depressed. And during that time, I am guessing that you worked out really hard or drank a few more beers than usual. Or both. And while doing those things can numb the pain, they won ‘ t help you let go of your wife ‘ s cheating.

Now is the time to change that. Instead of being stuck in this place of limbo, where you can ‘ t move on in any direction, imagine what it would feel like if you started working towards the life you want.

Imagine doing the work, with or without your wife, to get past feelings that have been holding you back, towards a future where you don ‘ t spend every moment of every day thinking about your wife ‘ s infidelity. Wouldn ‘ t that feel good?

So, get up off the couch and take action. Work to identify, RIGHT NOW, what it is that you want and take a step towards it, even a small one. A small step is better than no step at all.

Working to let go of your wife cheating is not an easy thing. That iswhy you find yourself in this place, being unable to do so.

But I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to let go of your spouse ‘ s infidelity and move forward, to stop being stuck in this in-between place that is sucking you dry.

Identify what you want, be clear with your wife about what it is, be honest with her, and everyone, about how you are feeling, explore your options and take action!

You don ‘ t know what the future holds – all you know that you want to be out of the place that you are now.

And you can do it – you just have to start now!

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