5 Reasons You Should NEVER Give Up On Dating

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I know the idea that you should never give up on dating might seem exhausting to you.

So many of my clients, when they are going through a break up, tell me that they will never date again, that it is not worth the pain.

And I get it. The pain of a break up is intense. And dating is exhausting. And the whole thing just seems hopeless some days.

But I am here to tell you that you should NEVER give up on dating because, in the end, it will be worth it!

And here are 5 reasons why to inspire you to keep up the good fight and get the love that you want.

#1 – Would you give up on something else you really wanted?

When you want something, do you usually go for it?

If you see a piece of jewelry you love, do you save up for it? If you see a job listing that you want, do you update your killer resume and go for it? When you wanted to get your driver’s license more than anything, did you keep on taking the test, even after failing more than once?

Of course, you did. When you see something that you want, you go for it, no matter what the obstacles!

So, why would you give up on dating if love is what you want more than anything? I mean, how else are you going to find the love you seek?

I have a client who has wanted to be in a relationship for a long time. We have worked hard to get her out there; she was on the apps, went to meet ups, bugged friends for introductions. But, unfortunately, while she met some great guys, nothing stuck.

So, about 3 years ago, she gave up dating. She said that it just wasn’t worth it and that she was just going to be alone. And, guess what? She is still alone.

My client is not unhappy. She has chosen not to date and accepts that she most likely won’t find love, as a result. But she lives life to its fullest and she is content. And you can do that too.

Or, if love is what you seek, you can keep on dating, holding onto hope that you will find your person.

#2 – Every date is a new opportunity.

6 years ago, I met a guy on Match. He had lovely blue eyes and we clicked right away but we realized pretty quickly that we would be better off as friends.

This man has become one of my best friends. I would stay with him when I travelled to Vermont from New York City, we would go see disaster movies together and we helped each other through more than one horrid relationship.

I never would have met this man if not for Match and I am forever grateful, not only because he is one of my best friends but because, 3 years later, he introduced me to the love of my life who I am now living happily ever after with.

The point of my story is this Every single date that you go on is an opportunity to meet someone new, and with every new encounter, you open up your world just a little bit.

As with my friend, a date gave me a best friend. A client met someone who connected her with an amazing job. Another gained a whole new friend group in a city she had just moved to. One learned how to ski, something that she had never been brave enough to do on her own.

So, never give up on dating. Like me and my clients, even if you don’t have a romantic match with someone, they could be the person who opens up your world in a new way.

#3 – Dating is a numbers game.

I wish I didn’t have to include this one but it’s true. Dating really is a numbers game.

What do I mean by that? Dating is, like many things, something that one must do a lot of in order to succeed. You must meet as many men/women as you can to find the one who is for you. That needle in the haystack.

I know you are thinking that you DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. The idea of many dates is incredibly unappealing and you just want to sink into your couch.

But don’t. I probably went on 30 dates and had 6 8-week relationships between my divorce and when I met my boyfriend. Most of those dates were fun but I did not get anywhere. (Some of them not so much  like the guy who climbed up on a rock to kiss me, although still declaring that he was 6″ tall). And there were definitely times that I chose to stay home instead of going on a date that seemed like it had no promise but, more often than not, I put myself out there, hopeful. And I met a lot of great guys along the way, and had my fair share of great sex as well!

So, take a deep breath and up your dating game. Go on as many dates as you can without going insane.  At the very least, you might get an interesting few hours out of it and a story to tell your friends!

#4 – You want to keep the energy out there.

I have a lot of clients who want to meet the love of their life but they just can’t seem to make a concerted effort to do the work to find that person.

They list themselves on all the apps and then sit back and wait for people to find them. They stay home watching TV. They play hard to get with someone who expresses interest. And, guess what happens – they get nowhere.

Like difficult things that can be hard to acquire, love requires effort and attitude acknowleging that this is what you want and putting your energy into finding it.

Furthermore, if you carry with you the belief that you are never going to find your person, you won’t. Negativity doesn’t get you what you want, positivity does.

#5 – Because you want to find love.

Well, duh this is the most obvious reason to never give up on dating the fact that you want, more than anything, to find love. And giving up on dating will definitely put a damper on those dreams.

Sit here for a moment and feel what it would feel like if you never found the love you seek. If you were okay being alone but you felt the huge absence in your life of someone to share it with. If you didn’t get the wedding or the baby or whatever it is that you dream about when you think of love.

I am guessing it would feel pretty yucky, no?

So, if there is one reason to NEVER give up on dating, this is it!

If love is what you seek, do everything that you can to find it. And, whether we like it or not, dating is a part of the actions we must take to get the love we want.

So, there are 5 reasons why you should never stop dating. Good for you for reading this far about a topic that you would probably rather ignore.

I dated for a long time and it did get exhausting but I did figure out some things to do to make dating a little bit easier.

I learned to take each date individually, to recognize that it would be an opportunity for me to either meet someone new who I would never see again but who was entertaining (mostly) for a few hours or to meet someone who might be a friend or to meet someone I would have a short, but sweet (and sexy) relationship with.

Of course, I was often disappointed but I made the best of it and kept at it, believing that one day, my number would come up and I would find my guy.

And it did! And yours can too!

 

5 Encouraging Signs that You are Getting Over Your Ex

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I know that break ups are horrible and that the recovery period seems endless but keep a look out for signs that you are getting over your ex, finally, and that you will be able to move on!

When you are deep into the pain of the mourning period, it is hard to feel hopeful that you will ever get past this. As a result, we often miss the signs that we are getting better and this can hold us back from moving forward.

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is a key to moving forward and finding the love that you seek!

#1 – You are feeling hopeful.

Remember when you first broke up? When the world seemed like a horrible place and when you had no hope that anything would ever be ok again?

Are you still feeling this way or are there perhaps little glimmers of hope that the future holds some possibilities and that you will be ok?

When we have lived with feelings of hopelessness for a long time, it’s hard to notice when those little moments appear. We either don’t see them or ignore them, not believing what they signify.

Well, I can tell you that those little moments of hopefulness should not be ignored because they are definitely a sign that you are getting over your ex!

What kind of little signs am I talking about? A feeling of excitement (no matter how small) about some plans you have made with friends. A promotion at work. The muscle that you are building at the gym. That you can look at other men/women and not be completely disgusted.

You will get over your break up, that I can promise you. Noticing little moments of hope are a sign that you are well on your way to doing so.

#2 – You no longer stalk them on social media.

Be honest. When you first broke up with your person, did you spend an inordinate amount of time stalking them on social media?

Did you check their Insta-stories and their TikTok likes regularly throughout the day? Did you try to piece together what their lives looked like without you? Did you look for signs that they weren’t happy after the break up?

Unfortunately, many people stalk their exes on social media. In the old days, a break up was a break up. Keeping tabs on your ex was something that required a lot of energy, something that you don’t need today. Access to your ex is right there at your fingertips!

So, ask yourself – are you spending less time than you used to looking at them on social media? Do you find yourself drawn to things that used to interest you, like cute puppy videos?

If the answer to this question is yes, that you don’t have as much interest in what they are doing and who they are doing it with, then it is definitely an encouraging sign that you are getting over your ex and that you are moving forward.

#3 – You have clarity about what happened.

When we first go through a break up we are so confused about what happened. We often blame ourselves or look outside the relationship to see what might have led to the break up.

This confusion can lead to us reading books about break ups, seeing a therapist to discover what is wrong with us, going down the internet rabbit hole about why break ups occur and what to do to get your ex back.

I know that, when my ex left me, I was devastated. I blamed it on the girl he left me for and I hated her. And him. I spent days and months trying to figure out what had happened, blaming myself for everything.

What I learned, over time and with some help, was that the break up happened for a number of reasons.

We had been unhappy for a long time and finding our way back to each other seemed like a lot of work. I didn’t drink and he did and that got in the way of us communicating with each other. He was very social and I was more of a homebody. Mostly, the reason we were still together was purely financial. And that woman he fell in love with was ultimately the right girl for him.

This process of acceptance wasn’t easy. I had to work hard at it and, after a 20 year relationship, it took some time. But I did get there. I knew that it wasn’t all my fault that relationship issues always involve two people. That staying together for the wrong reasons wasn’t good. That our different social interests got in the way of us being happy.

No longer blaming myself and living with anger at him allowed me to move forward to find the life and the love that I desired!

#4 – You don’t talk about the break up all the time.

I don’t know why but, when we go through a break up, processing and reprocessing it is so important to us! Something about hashing and rehashing things with our friends is the best therapy.

And it is good therapy to talk about what happened. We often have so many questions that we have unanswered, so many emotions that we can’t control. And talking about those things instead of running them around and around in our head is very cathartic.

So, one of the encouraging signs that you are getting over your ex is that you no longer feel the need to process the break up with your friends/coworkers/therapist. That you have found peace with what happened and that you no longer need to talk about it.

Have you noticed that you do spend less time talking to people about what happened? Perhaps you still have some thoughts in your head but they aren’t as destructive and you don’t feel like you need to share them to manage them? Or perhaps you have moved on completely and talking about them is boring.

There are far better things to talk about then some loser who let fabulous you go!

#5 – You are looking around.

When we first break up, we have no interest in getting involved with someone else.

Of course, the inclination to go hook up with someone might be there, as a bandaid, but the idea of getting into a relationship is unappealing! So we keep our head down and deal with the break up.

Have you recently found that you have picked your head up again and looking around? Does the sight of potential suitors not disgust you like it might have in the past? Are you poking around on Hinge, wondering who is out there?

It’s hard to get back on the dating wagon after a bad break up but considering doing so is a very hopeful sign and it is an excellent step towards moving on and finding the love that you seek!

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is very important as far as moving forward with your life.

Many of us don’t notice these signs and, as a result, stay mired in the pain of the break up, having gotten used to like an old comfy sweater.

But it’s important to recognize when it is time to move on. Are you feeling somewhat hopeful about the future? Do you find that you don’t need to know about them, to think or talk about them? Have you made peace with what happened, and are you ready to move on?

If you answer yes to any or all of these questions, you are getting past the mourning phase of your breakup and ready to move forward to get the life and the love that you seek!

Good luck! You can do this!

 

 

5 Things to Choose if You Just Want to be Happy

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Do you wake up in the morning, feeling down because you just want to be happy but most days you just aren’t?

Do you wish you were like other people the ones who are always happy, nothing gets them down? They are successful, have good friends, exude confidence and are just fun to be with.

Would you like more than anything to be even one of those things but find that you struggle to get there?

Everybody wants to be happy. It seems pretty simple doesn’t it? And it can be if you know how to reach out to get it. To choose the right things that put happiness within reach for you, and for everyone.

So, what can you choose if you just want to be happy?

#1 – Choose truth.

You know those decisions that make your stomach hurt. The ones that you make because your brain tells you it’s the right thing to do, not because it is what you really want.

Yes. Those decisions. You probably made one today.

Those decisions are not based on your truth. They are based on some truth outside of yourself, some truth that is based on what everyone else says is “right.” These decisions are not good for you and your body is telling you so.

Making decisions based on what you really want, what will truly be good for you, are decisions based on your truth. These kind of decisions feel good in your body. These decisions allow you to sleep at night.

I recently sent a letter full of what I thought was constructive criticism to an organization I have been aligned with. I sent it not because I wanted to but because of pressure around me to do so. And that letter has wreaked havoc.

I don’t regret sending the letter but I know that doing so has been very hard on me; it has actually sabotaged my happiness these last few weeks. I know that, if I hadn’t sent it, I would have been happier, even though I know that my thoughts might be helpful.

Decisions not based on our truth can actually make us sick and definitely interfere with our happiness.

How do we stop making these unhealthy choices? We listen to our bodies.

Next time, when presented with a decision that needs to be made, pause and check how the potential decision makes your body feel. Our bodies will only tell us the truth. If the decision makes you feel slightly nauseous then it’s probably not a good one. If it makes your head hurt, the same. If it makes your heart leap, then that’s it. That’s the healthy decision.

Listen to your body. Unlike your brain, it will never lie to you!

# 2 – Choose love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.

And, ideally everyone, would share their life with that ONE person. The one you curl up with at night and eat cereal with in the morning. The one whose hand you hold on the subway and with whom you binge watch Ted Lasso at night. You know the person. The one who makes your heart sing.

If you have a person, don’t let them go. And if you haven’t yet found one, believe that you will.

Even if you don’t have that person right now, know that you have other people in your life who love you: your sister, your best friend, your neighbor. While these people might not be a romantic partner, they are people who you truly love and who truly love you in return.

This kind of love is unconditional and the kind of love that leads to true happiness.

Make sure that you have contact with someone who loves you every day. In person, on the phone or via text (last choice).

And don’t forget to love yourself. You are awesome. Tell yourself as often as you can. Because you are.

#3 – Choose yourself.

You know how you choose to make everyone else happy first?

You go to that raunchy movie with your kids instead of that historical drama you want to see. Or you visit your mother in law with your husband instead of working in the garden? We all do it. And it undermines our happiness.

Sometimes we do have to put someone else’s needs above our own but, really, it’s important to put ourselves first more often than not. Nobody else is going to take care of us and it’s important that we do so.

I spend much of my day caring for other people, and I love doing so. But it can leave me depleted and, sometimes, unhappy. To counteract the effects of giving all day, I make sure that I do something every day that replenishes me.

I take a walk or a watch an episode (or two) of a trashy TV show. I get a massage or grab lunch with a friend. All of these things recharge my batteries and keep me from falling into a place of unhappiness that I might struggle to pull myself out of!

Finally, if you always put yourself last, you will come to believe that you deserve to be last. By choosing yourself, you are showing yourself that you deserve to be cared for and that will not only make you happier but draw other people to you. Happiness is contagious and what you want to put out into the world, I am guessing.

#4 – Choose kindness.

Did you know being kind to someone else is one of the best ways to feel happy? It’s one of those things that many unhappy people are not aware of because they have never tried it. I wish they would.

Choosing kindness doesn’t have to be a big thing. Of course, giving your husband a trip to play golf for his birthday feels great but it’s the little things that make a difference.

Think about the look on that woman’s face when you raced after her to return the wallet that she left in the store. Or the way the barista reacted this morning when, after dealing with customer after customer who had not yet had their coffee, you thanked them with a big smile and a compliment.

How good did those things feel? Did you find that you had a spring to your step that you might not have had before? I know I do.

Being kind is not hard to do but so many of us forget to be in this crazy, jam packed and exhausting world that we live in. Making that small effort to make someone else happy can go a long way to making you feel happy too.

#5 – Choose to believe.

A key ingredient in being happy is believing that you can be. Really. But I know that doing so is not an easy thing.

Why? Because when you are unhappy it’s almost impossible to believe that you ever could be happy.

When you are unhappy and you look ahead, know that you are doing so with that unhappy feeling in your gut. Your future life seems hopeless because you are unhappy right now.

But you have to believe. To have hope.

Why? Believing in anything is the best way to manifest it. Believe that you will get that job and you will. Believe that you will find that love and you will. Believe that you will be happy and you will.

So, how do we believe in the face of the hopelessness that you are currently feeling?

Visualize that job. Feel how it will feel to have it. Store that feeling in your body and summon it when you have doubt.

You can to the same with love. Picture that perfect someone. Feel how it will feel to be loved by them. Picture yourself happy and believe that it will happen.

It really works. Try it and see.

I know that you, and all of us, just want to be happy.

I know that many of us believe that the human condition is suffering but I believe that it doesn’t have to be. And we are in charge of our own happiness and can manifest it by the choices that we make!

Try it. Try putting yourself first, loving yourself and those around you, being kind, being truthful. Believing.

What a difference it will make. I promise.

5 Lessons Women MUST Learn about Love Before It’s Too Late

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There are a few lessons women must learn about love but ones many of us tend to ignore, at our own peril.

We fall in love and break up and fall in love and break up over and over and we never seem to learn the why and how of it all. As a result, we are doomed to repeat history and risk ending up alone!

Love is so complicated. We believe that someday our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. We think that the relationships we see on TV and in movies are real. We believe that if we just act like Cinderella or Rose Dawson we will find our Prince or our Jack!

Unfortunately, most relationships do not evolve the way they do on screen. And yet we hold on, believing that, if we just keep doing the things we have always done, our soulmate will appear and we will live happily ever after.

Let me tell you 5 lessons women must learn about love before it’s too late so that you can find the love that you seek.

#1 – Sex does not equal love.

There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, in spite of what we see in movies – where people fall into bed right away and then fall madly in love – it just doesn’t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It might not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result, women believe that if she has sex with a man not only will she be giving him what he wants but she will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

I have a client who recently told me that it was time to have sex with a guy because they had been spending a lot of time together and she felt that she owed him. So, she did. And what happened He moved on!

The best reason to have sex with a guy is because you want to. Beyond that there are no guarantees.

This is a very important lesson that women must learn about love before it’s too late!

#2 – If he is not in touch, he isn’t interested.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

Something that you must know about love is that a guy who isn’t communicating with you, isn’t interested. Period. You can tell yourself that he is busy, or that he is out of range or that he is sleeping but if he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he isn’t interested.

Guys are hunters. It’s in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t.

Also, those guys who disappear and then reappear, they are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in.

Are you constantly making excuses for why guys don’t stay in touch? Do you believe that they are scared of their feelings for you, working too hard, or sleeping after a hard day? Are you ignoring that feeling in your gut, the one that knows that none of those things are true?

If yes, learn this lesson women must learn and move on! Find someone who wants to be in touch with you!

#3 – Clinging will only push him away.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is get clingy with her man.

We get clingy for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are feelings can exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with clinginess you will drive your man away.

Why? Because no one likes to be clung too, especially men but women too. It makes us feel like we are responsible for another person’s actions and feelings. It makes us feel like we have lost our freedom. It is exhausting is we have to process our emotions over and over in an effort to ease the clinginess.

Clinginess is not a good thing, for either parties.

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Be secure in his feelings for you. If you can’t, then you need to address it head on, in a measured, temperate way. Not by getting clingy.

If you get clingy your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your issues and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

#4 – If YOU don’t love you, then HE won’t either.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone you deserve.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren’t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – If you break up with him you will be OKAY.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay alone. The world is a place for couples and being single just isn’t acceptable.

I am here to tell you, as someone who spent five years alone, that being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to rise and sleep when you want, never watch any sports program that you don’t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom you want. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish and respect you then your life is full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims. This will cause you pain every day.

Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone, watching Bridgerton and having a glass of wine?

There are many lessons women must learn about love before it’s too late, lessons that many women ignore.

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you might be one of them?

We all make mistakes in the search for love. We want it so badly that we are willing to do anything, to compromise everything, to have it. And we tend to do the same things over and over and never learn.

One of the things that you must know about love is that it’s never too late to find it. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don’t compromise your self-worth, don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

What it Means if Your Married Man Ghosted You

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I am so very sorry if you are reading this article because your married man ghosted you.

I know that having an affair with a married man is full of highs and lows, agony and ecstasy and some days you just wonder if it is all worth it!

So here you are, in the deepest of lows, wondering what the hell is happening.

I can tell you, from personal experience and the experiences of my clients, what just might be happening if your married man ghosted you.

#1 – He is freaking out, again.

How many times have you and your married man broken up? I am guessing probably way more than once.

Are there times when he is overwhelmed with guilt and he declares that he just can’t see you again and you, tearfully, agree to say goodbye?

I can’t tell you how many times this happened to me when I was involved with a married man. We would be seeing each other regularly, really happy when we were together, talking about the future and then, out of nowhere, he would get consumed by guilt and decide that he had to let me go.

It was so sad for me especially those times when he decided to ghost me instead of being honest with me.

I would be left devastated, wondering where he was and sure that he had never loved me. It was horrible.

But, every time, 4 weeks later he would call me, for some stupid reason, and we would agree to meet as friends but the whole vicious circle would just start up again.

So, if your married man ghosted you, it might well be because he is freaking out. Again.

#2 – He takes you for granted!

I have a client whose married man regularly ghosts her. Things are going along just fine and then, out of the blue, she stops hearing from him.

What often happens during this time is that he is doing something with his family or friends. Perhaps it’s the weekend when they are all skiing together, or a weekend away with his wife or his in laws are visiting. For whatever reason, he doesn’t/can’t/won’t text.

And he doesn’t tell her ahead of time because he knows she will get mad and so he just ghosts her when the time comes.

When a married man disappears on the woman he says he love, he is taking her for granted. Why? Because he assumes that, no matter what he does, she will be there for him when he gets back. And, more often than not, she is.

So, if your married man ghosted you it could be because he is taking you for granted.

#3 – he doesn’t want to disappoint.

On the other side of taking you for granted is the fact that he knows that if he tells you the truth, it won’t go well. He perhaps scared that he will hurt you. He might be worried that you will be angry or disappointed. And he knows that he can’t handle those kind of emotions. Most men can’t, even those in committed relationships.

I can’t tell you how many times my married guy disappeared. He had no problem being there for me when things were good, when he wanted my support or my bed. But when it came to facing up to what was going on, he ran away. He knew that he might hurt/anger/disappoint me and he just couldn’t bear the idea of doing that.

Ironically, when he ghosted me, he did all of those three things in an even bigger way. And it didn’t do anything for my self-esteem when he returned again, missing me and feeling like he couldn’t live without me, and I let him back in. Over and over.

#4 – His wife knows something.

More often than not, the #1 reason your married man ghosted you is because his wife suspects something.

I have a new client who reached out to me when her married man ghosted her. She was devastated and confused. He had made her so many promises and they were planning their life together and for him to suddenly disappear was devastating.

He wrote her an email, told her that his wife had found out and that they were trying to work things out.That his wife found photos and conversations and shared Spotify playlists and asked him about them. He told her that he had met someone and that they hadn’t had sex but had had an emotional connection. (Not smart!)

His wife ordered him to never talk to her again, unless they were at work. She now monitors all of his phone calls, text messages etc. And they are trying to work things out.

So, because of his wife, who is the more important one for him to take into consideration, even though he made his girlfriend all of these promises, he ghosted her. Left her feeling less than and unimportant.

The upside of this particular ghosting for my client ““ she saw him for the person he really was and was happy to do the hard work to step away.

#5 – He has met someone else.

This one isn’t as common but it definitely is a thing.

Your married man has decided that he needs someone else to make him feel less alone.

For many men, the thrill of the chase is what makes their affair partner compelling. Having sex is always wonderful but fantasizing about a life with someone, having someone take care of them, having a distraction when things get boring, is also very attractive. When the thrill of those things fade with the affair partner (which they always do) they move on.

Your married man has, instead of working on his marriage, found someone to fill his emotional and physical needs in you. Why would he change his stripes now and try to do the hard work with you?

And why would he do the hard work of facing you and telling you that it was over. Better, and easier, to just ghost you and move on.

I know that this idea is incredibly painful but it’s the best thing that could ever happen to you. If your man loses interest in you so quickly, like he lost interest in his wife, then he definitely isn’t the person you thought he was. Can you imagine what the rest of your life would look like with this man?

Would you ever trust him again?

Having your married man ghost you is a horrible thing and you are feeling very sad, I know.

But knowing what is going on might help you manage the pain.

Know that he might very well be questioning things again, and he will be back. Or he might be afraid of being honest with you and dealing with your emotions. His wife might have found out or he might have just moved on.

With all of that in mind, for whatever reason, the reality is that your married man has ghosted you. I want you to ask yourself if you really want to be in a relationship, potentially a long term one, with someone who will ghost you instead of facing issues head on.

That doesn’t sound very fun, does it? Time to let him go and find the love that you want!

5 Things We See On TV That Sabotage a Healthy Relationship

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Every time I watch TV (which I do often) I think about all of the things we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship.

Of course, we all say we recognize that what we see on TV isn’t how the real world works but I know that many of us, myself included, secretly hope that it is. As a result, it is difficult for us to keep a healthy relationship healthy because of the example that TV sets for us.

When I express my concerns to my clients and friends, I am always surprised when they tell me that they don’t see what I see but, when I explain it, they totally get it.

To that end, I want to share with you 5 things that we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship so that you can try to shift your perspective and find the healthy relationship that you want.

#1 – Storming off.

I don’t know how many of you have watched Shonda Rhimes’s TV shows : Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder. Full disclosure I have watched every episode of every one of these shows.

Anyway, Shonda Rhime’s is an amazing writer and the words she writes for her characters are very human and touching. Unfortunately, her characters are prone to stating their human and touching words and then walking away, leaving the person they delivered their monologue to looking confused/thoughtful/hopeful etc.

For a long time, I thought that this was the way to communicate in relationships. To say something smart and sassy and impressive and then turn on my heels and walk away, expecting my person to either follow me or have some epiphany because of my words of wisdom. Surprisingly, neither one of those things has ever happened!

Instead, giving a speech and then walking away only made two things happen my person never followed me, which made me feel unimportant, and making a declarative statement and then not sticking around for follow up discussion was unproductive.

What I have learned is that, instead of declarative statements, it is important that people have discussions around issues good or bad. It is the give and take of a discussion that settles issues and keep relationships healthy.

So, how about you? Are you a stalk away kind of person or do you stay and talk and work things out, one way or the other? If you are the former you might find that you sabotage your healthy relationship every time you do.

#2 – Quick resolutions.

Shonda Rhimes and other TV writers, have 50 minutes to cover the beginning, middle and end of a story. Because of the time limitations, issues have to be settled quickly.

In last week’s Grey’s Anatomy, at the beginning of the show, a new couple, Kai and Amelia, were lying in bed, basking in the aura of new love. By the end of the show, they were broken up. In the middle of the show, Kai witnessed, first hand, Amelia’s devotion to her kids. Kai didn’t want kids and, over the course of 45 minutes (or one evening in TV land) they decided to break up with Amelia. At minute 48 they did it, quickly and smoothly, and at minute 49 Amelia was left, heartbroken, only to be approached by her ex at minute 50 leaving us clambering for what happens next.

In reality, that story line wouldn’t happen so quickly. A new couple would have the time to get to know each other, would give each other space to bring family members into the relationship, discuss any issues that might arise and either work together to come up with a solution or end the relationship.

The disparity between resolution on TV versus real life can complicate a relationship. People expect for things to wrap up as quickly and as painlessly as they do on TV and they are disappointed, and worse, when they don’t.

So, recognize that our lives are lived in more than fifty minute increments. It’s ok to take your time before making a big move.

#3 – Unrealistic intimacy.

Sexual issues in relationships are an epidemic in this modern world.I believe that it is, at least partially, the result of ever-presence of porn and TV sex scenes.

Over the past 15 years or so, the depiction of sex on TV has shifted demonstrably. When I was younger, kisses were chaste and the act of sex implied. Now, on Prime Time TV, sex is explicit to some degree even soft porn. And while I am not judging this in and of itself, I do believe that this being some people’s primary exposure to sex sets them up for unrealistic expectations when it comes to sexual relationships.

I have a client who has very limited sexual experience and she has found that she is struggling with the sex in her new relationship. She doesn’t understand why it can feel so stilted sometimes, why she and her partner don’t connect like the people she sees on TV and why doesn’t she have an orgasm at the same time as her boyfriend, like her favorite character does every week?

These feelings have left her bereft and not sure if it is her issue or a problem in the relationship.

In reality, neither one of those things are true. What is in issue is her perceptions of what a sexual encounter should look like. That perception is interfering with her enjoying the sex that she has with her boyfriend for just what it is.

And sexual issues can sabotage a healthy relationship in a big way.

#4 – People will change.

Of course, people can change. Every day people do. But, I believe that change is incremental and driven by the person changing wanting to do so.

That kind of change is not what we see on TV. What we see on TV is transformation that just isn’t possible at least not in the real world.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients stay in toxic relationships because they believe that if they do, if they just love their person enough, that person will change for the better. Or if they stay, things will go back to the honeymoon stage that they had in the beginning. I mean, they say, it happens on TV all the time. The love of a good woman changes a damaged man and every one lives happily ever after.

Unfortunately, in real life this isn’t usually the way it works. In real life, a woman stays with a damaged man at the expense of her own health and wellbeing. She gives and gives and gives, loves deeply and ultimately just gets left heartbroken.

I am not saying that people can’t change. Of course they can. I just believe that we can’t make someone change. That in order for someone to change, they have to want to make the change. They have to take the steps. And we can’t take those steps for them.

So, while TV tells you to stick it out, waiting until they change, because they always do, know that doing so in real life might only end in heartbreak.

#5 – That love conquers all.

Oh, how I wish that this last one were true. That love is the cure to all that ails the world. Imagine what an amazing world we would have if love, indeed, was the fix.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we want it to be, love is not the thing that will change the world. And it is not the thing that will fix a relationship.

So many of my clients say If he loved me, he would make this one thing happen.Or if she loved me, she would change. I hear it all the time.

And I believe that, no matter how much someone loves someone, there are just things that people can’t do. A married man loves his lover but can’t leave his wife. A woman loves her husband but work just takes priority some nights. A man loves his wife but still feels bound to see his mother every Sunday, even if his wife doesn’t like it.

The list goes on and on.

My point is this Just because your person can’t do what you want them to do, it does not mean that they don’t love you. What it is means is that they are just a person in the world, a flawed person who is trying to do their best. They love you deeply but they aren’t perfect. And no amount of love is going to give them the strength to make a difficult choice or move.

Unfortunately, what we see on TV doesn’t support this notion. What we see on TV is the person making the ultimate sacrifice, giving up on the thing that they love most for their person. After all, if you don’t have love, you have nothing. Right?

As a life coach, I see every day how the things we see on TV can sabotage a healthy relationship and it breaks my heart.

Again, I watch a lot of TV and am not saying that we shouldn’t. All I am suggesting is that we take what we see with a grain of salt. That we enjoy our shows but know that what we see isn’t necessarily how things work in real life relationships.

Healthy communication, realistic expectations around sex, understanding that love doesn’t necessarily conquer all, and certainly not in fifty minute increments, are all the things that can keep a healthy relationship healthy.

So, go ahead, watch your shows. Enjoy them. I know that I am going to – with my boyfriend!

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