Why They Check All the Boxes But You Just Aren’t Into Them

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Are you in a place where you are dating someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.

Have you been searching for someone like the person you are dating and, now that you have found them, are you surprised that they just aren’t the person for you?

I am afraid that this is very common. We meet someone and we are so hopeful and then we just don’t feel it and we just don’t get it!

There are many reasons why they check all the boxes but you still aren’t into them. Knowing them will help you see clearly and let go when, and if, it’s the right thing to do.

#1- The boxes might not be yours.

If you find that they check all the boxes but that you just aren’t into them, it might very well be because the boxes are not your boxes.

For many of us, there are things that we think we should want. Things that our parents or our friends or society tell us that we should want and should have. And we think that, if other people want those things, we should too.

For example, our parents often want us to find someone who is emotionally stable, from a good family, well off financially, and someone who wants, or doesn’t want, to have children. Our friends want them to be tall, dark and handsome and society says that they must have a certain beauty level compared to ours.

And all of those things are well and good but are they things that WE really want?

I know that, for me, my parents wanted almost everything that I have listed above for me. Of course, they did they wanted to make sure I was well taken care of. And my friends were looking for people who were from the same east coast liberal arts schools as we were. As a result, those things were in my boxes although I really wasn’t sure I wanted them to be.

I wanted to find someone who was irreverent, smart, sarcastic, ambitious, appreciate of tequila and who didn’t want to settle down right away. I didn’t tell people that, however, because I was embarrassed to do so.

As a result, time after time, I would find people who could check all the right boxes, at least those of my family and friends, but, for me, just weren’t who I wanted.

But I tried, let me promise you. I tried to fit these square pegs into my round holes but each and every time it just led to heartbreak.

It was only once I was very clear with myself as to what was really in my boxes that I was able to find someone who could check them off when I found him.

That being said, after I got divorced, my boxes were TOTALLY different. It took me a while to figure that out but, when I did, I found the guy of my dreams.

So, take stock of what your boxes really are. Are they really what you are looking for or someone else’s idea of what you should have?

#2 – You aren’t ready.

When my ex-husband and I were on our honeymoon, I asked him how we found each other. He said that it was just a matter of timing. Romantic, no?

For many of us, we find someone who checks all the boxes, our boxes, but we just aren’t ready for them.

Perhaps we are in school and want to travel the world and even the most perfect person might hold us back. Or maybe our perfect person, the one who checks all the boxes, is right there in front of us but is ready to get married and have babies and we just aren’t!

I know that, when I was first divorced, I met someone who checked off all of my boxes but there was no way in the world that I was ready to be in a relationship. As a result, I found that I lost interest in him pretty quickly.

The initial spark that we felt wasn’t enough to keep me attached, to make me sacrifice the time that I knew I needed to take before I could be healthy again. I moved on quickly but have often wondered what things would have been like if the timing had been better.

So, how about you? Are you really ready to find someone who checks off all boxes and commit to them for the rest of your life? Are you ready to make sacrifices to be with someone, just because they are the person you think you should be with?

I can promise you that, in this world of millions of people, you will meet many people who will check off all of your boxes, not just this one. And maybe you will meet that person on the beaches of Santorini!

So, if you have a suitor, and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it could be because you just aren’t ready!

#3 – There is no chemistry.

One of the primary issues with on-line dating (which I 100% support as a means to meet people) is that we literally make a list of boxes and the dating algorithm helps us tick them off.

Therefore, when someone comes across our feed, they do so because they literally check all the boxes that we think are important, things that we believe are must haves.

You know what I mean. Their height, their age, where they live, what they do for a living, whether or not they have/want kids etc. All of those things are things we tick off as we build our dating profile.

However, what I discover often happens is that, even though someone we meet on-line might tick off all of our boxes, once we meet them, we find that there is no chemistry.

More than once, I had long, fun email and text exchanges with men I met online who checked off all the boxes. We would talk for days or weeks and I would be so excited to have met someone who was everything I wanted. And then I would meet them and there would be nothing. Zero chemistry. And I would be so disappointed.

And, more often than not, I did try to give that person a chance. They did have the qualities that I was searching for and I just didn’t feel it but I thought I should try anyway. And, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get there I couldn’t get that feeling that I needed to pursue the relationship further.

So, ask yourself – is there chemistry between you and this person who seems perfect on paper? If not, it could be why they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.

#4 – One important box might be missing.

Ok, so let’s say that you have met someone who checks off the boxes, the timing is right and the chemistry is definitely there. Why, in spite of all of this, are you still not into them? It’s so frustrating because you really want to be.

Perhaps it’s because of the fact that one box is not checked. One box that, because it isn’t checked, overrides all the ones that are.

I met a guy online once who was perfect on paper. He was all of the things that I wanted except for two divorced and gainfully employed.

He was separated (although still living at home) and had recently been laid off from his job in the financial sector. He was confident that he would be working again soon but I had no idea.

In spite of my hesitations around these unchecked boxes, I started up a relationship but it quickly stalled out. I liked everything about him except the fact that he wasn’t divorced and spent his days job hunting I just couldn’t get past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past them.

So, ask yourself if your person has some, but not all, of your boxes checked. It could be that that one missing box is the thing that is holding you back from being into this person who you think you should be into.

#5 – You love someone else.

This week on Bachelor in Paradise, Victoria Fuller met someone who she swears checks all the boxes. He looks the part, is the right age, is financially secure and wants to get married and have children right away. Great!

The thing is, she also has another guy, Johnny, who she REALLY likes. And Johnny does not check off almost any of her boxes.

So, she is confused and not sure what to do next. It’s all anyone on the beach can talk about.

I believe that it is because she is attached to Johnny that, even though Alex checks ALL her boxes, she just isn’t that into him. Yes, Johnny is young, just getting started on his career and is looking for love but not marriage and babies quite yet, but she likes him. She really likes him.

He makes her laugh and he turns her on and she loves the time that they spend together. She likes the other guy too, he is a nice guy after all, but he doesn’t do that certain something to her that Johnny does. And, hence, the confusion.

I do think that it might be possible that, if Johnny wasn’t in the picture, Victoria would be able to lean into Alex in a positive way, one that might end in marriage and babies. But Johnny is in the picture and that changes everything for her.

So, if you have met someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it just might because you have someone else, someone who has that certain something that makes you feel great.

You must be reading this article because you are in this position, one where you have met someone and they check off all the boxes but you just aren’t into them. And I am sorry if this is true.

We all just want to have a healthy relationship and the person who checks off all the boxes is logically the person that we should be in one with. Right?

However, life, and love, just aren’t that straightforward. Love, and life, is messy.

So, ask yourself if your boxes are your boxes, if you are really ready for a healthy relationship, if the chemistry is there and if there are any boxes left unchecked.

Perhaps if you do so, you will have some clarity on what is happening and be able to decide next steps.

Remember Love is nowhere to make compromises. Hold out for what you really want and find the happiness you seek!

 

5 Ways To Be Yourself in a New Relationship and Make it Last

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I find it very strange how hard it is to be yourself in a new relationship. After all, we are ourselves in every other area of our lives. Why do we struggle to be ourselves as the relationship progresses?

I believe that, when we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident because having someone new in our lives, someone who thinks we are fabulous, is a very heady experience. And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss. And the way we act because of that fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair.

Who wants that? Surely not you!

So, how can you be yourself in a new relationship, so you can keep it healthy? Read on!

#1 – Stay in touch with your awesomeness.

Think about the person you are when you are single. When you aren’t questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?

Do you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Do you run marathons? Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Do you like to go to movies and try new food? Do you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?

This person is the person you want to remember when you are feeling insecure.

And remember, this awesome person is the person who your guy chose to date in the first place. You with all of your confidence and quirks and wonderfulness. Think about what will happen if you are anything other that yourself as the relationship grows. Most likely, your new man will get confused and wonder where the person he fell for is. He might even break up with you as a result of your change.

Also, remember you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you. So, if this one doesn’t appreciate you as you are, too bad for him.

#2 – Don’t stop living your own life.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT sit around and wait for any man to call. Or any woman for that matter either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.

You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.

No man wants the pressure of being everything to a woman. Of their woman staying home waiting for them to call. To have them twist themselves in a pretzel to be what they want. To give up their own passions for him. That woman is one who is not very attractive to a man.

Furthermore, every man loves the hunt and if you are out there, not always available to him, being a challenge, he is way more likely to stay interested in you.

I have a client who literally sits by her phone, waiting for her man to call or reach out to her on Instagram. She watches his activity and feels dejected when he is active but not in contact with her. So she obsesses, checking her phone instead of going out with friends, waiting for him to reach out.

When he finally does, she is really crabby and their time together isn’t what she wants it to be.

So, continue to live your own life. Don’t always be there for him. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Unplug.

One of the things that you should NOT do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media. As I said above, becoming obsessed with someone’s social media activity is dangerous.

Even on a good day social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there, on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.

My client above becomes so obsessed with her man’s Instagram activity that it makes her physically ill. And, she posts more actively than she used to, wanting him to see her posts and to think of her. And when he doesn’t look at them, she is devastated.

Of course, we all spend too much time on our phones. Do you? I am not saying that you should put down your phone but I am saying that the effort needs to be made to not change our habits, to not become a stalker, to stay in touch with friends and check on celebrities like we always have.

So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.

#4 – Know he is probably feeling the same way.

The more attached we are to something, whether it be a man or a friend or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.

But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you they could appear too eager or ,if they stop by your desk. you might find them too needy.

And, does that behavior make you feel bad about him or is it some what endearing. Does knowing that he might be feeling as insecure as you are, that you are in the same boat trying to make this relationship work, make you feel more confident?

Try to not judge yourself for struggling to be yourself in a relationship. Instead, make change and you will feel better about yourself and your place in the relationship.

#5 – Ask yourself – What’s the worst that can happen?

This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations but its best application is right here.

You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old. One that you have lived your entire life up until recently without.

Ask yourself What is the worst that can happen?

The answer? That you will lose this relationship. So what? There are more fish in the sea. That you will embarrass yourself? You have done that before and survived. That you will actually have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn’t suck.

Keep in mind that the worst that can happen isn’t that you will drop dead if you send a text or that you will end world peace if you ask him to dance. And, with that in mind, take a step confidently in his direction. Being the rock star that you are.

Because really, what’s the worst that can happen?

I know that you want to be yourself in a new relationship. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.

But don’t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, that anyone would be lucky to have you, that if this relationship doesn’t work out there will be another (because there will be), and that the world won’t end no matter what action you take.

Remember, not being yourself isn’t sustainable. Not being yourself will only make you feel more insecure in the relationship. Not being yourself just might sabotage what you want and then you will be left devastated.

Be the person that someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person who you can be in love with too.

You can do it!

5 Signs You Are Addicted to Toxic Relationships

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Many of us are addicted to toxic relationships.

It might seem counterintuitive because all we want is a healthy one but many of us choose toxicity over and over and over.

I didn’t realize that, until I got in a healthy relationship, I was someone who was totally addicted to toxic relationships. I don’t know why exactly but I knew they were exciting and adrenaline producing and that kept things spicy, which I liked and was addicted to.

And this addiction kept me from finding happiness with another person.

Are you addicted to toxic relationships? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you want to, figure out how to change it.

#1 – Red flags? What red flags?

Are you one of those people who sees red flag and who purposely ignores them?

Do you see that your new person is still stuck on their ex or struggling to keep a job or has a temper or tries to control you?

Do all of your friends tell you that those are red flags and that you should run?

Do you ignore everyone, because this person, in spite of their red flags, is exciting?

When I was single and dating, I met a guy who was cute. He made me laugh. The sex was great. But I could see a few red flags right away. He drank too much. Someone who he was engaged to had walked away. He wasn’t talking to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.

I saw those red flags and I ignored them. The sex was great and we had a great time together.

It did not take long for our relationship to get toxic. We drank a lot together which started out fun but usually ended badly. I noticed that his friends pushed him away and that, when he was with people, he got loud and obnoxious, which made me crabby. He disappeared on Sundays, to this day, I do not know why, which made me not trust him. His job consumed him and the stress of it made him not fun to be with.

We fought and had sex and I hated him and loved him and broke up with him and got back together with him. I was completely addicted to the cycle and couldn’t get out.

Unfortunately, that addiction kept me from finding the relationship that I was really looking for. Walking away from him was what I needed to do to find one.

#2 – You are a relationship jumper.

Are you one of those people who does not stay in a relationship very long?

Do you meet someone, fall quickly, get into an intense relationship and then run, screaming, when the honeymoon phase ends?

I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, ones who, like her, fall quickly and hard. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain someone is and how she can see them lasting a life time.

And then, within a few months, something shifts. She gets bored. Things are too good. She starts creating problems where there shouldn’t be. She pulls back from them and starts acting passive aggressively. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy.

Does she walk away? No. She stays in this relationship, in spite of the troubles that she created, addicted to the toxic relationship in spite of herself.

My client says that she wants a healthy relationship more than anything but she thrives on the chaos of a messy one, subconsciously sabotaging any chance of it become one that is healthy and sticks.

#3 – You are a pushover.

Many people who are addicted to toxic relationships are pushovers.

You know what I mean the type of person who is low in self-esteem, who is willing to take endless amounts of shit from their partners in silence. The kind of person who lets their person walk all over them without any repercussions.

So, why are people who are pushovers most likely addicted to toxic relationships? Because, by letting their person abuse them and get away with it, they are choosing to stay no matter what the cost.

I was involved with a man once who used to take me for granted. He would call when he felt like it and disappear otherwise. When we were together, he was hot and cold. Sometimes he would be angry at me for no reason. I was constantly walking around on tip toe, trying to keep him from reacting to me in a negative way.

When things were good, they were GOOD. When they were bad, they were horrible.

I think that I was addicted to those good times. I didn’t want them to go away. And I was willing to put up with the bad stuff to keep the good stuff.

Much like a drinker who is willing to put up with the killer hangovers as long as he can have the booze he is addicted to, so was I willing to put up with whatever to get those moments of happiness that I craved.

#4 – You thrive on drama.

I am a Pisces and Pisces love, love, love drama. It is kind of confusing because we also just want peace but I guess we all have multiple sides to our personality.

Anyway, before I got into a healthy relationship, I absolutely thrived on drama. Any kind of drama. And if there wasn’t any drama in my relationship, I made some.

I had a boyfriend who I absolutely adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that other people saw as very healthy. And I was so happy that I was with him but I couldn’t get used to actually being content in a good relationship.

So, I would create drama. One night, I went out dancing with some girlfriends, met up with a guy friend and decided to go on a midnight road trip with him. The night ended up with him in jail for running a toll booth and me having to explain to my boyfriend what had happened.

I had no intention of doing anything with this guy friend but, by making the choices that I did that night, I knew that I would inject a little drama into my relationship.

And, boy, did it work. My boyfriend was not happy with the choice I made and he let me know it. There was lots of door slamming and name calling and break up promises. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.

While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, that break from the everyday steadiness of my relationship. To be honest, after a while, I found that I was addicted to it. If a day or two went by with no drama, I would make some.

So, if you are someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you are most likely someone who might just be addicted to toxic relationships.

#5 – The sex is amazing.

So, be honest. Does make up sex turn you on in a big way?

Do you enjoy the sex that you have with your partner but do you LOVE the make-up sex that you have after a fight?

Back when I was single I had the strangest proclivity. I loved to have sex with men as I was breaking up with them. I definitely didn’t want to be with them but the idea that I would never see them again made me super attracted to them. I often had the best sex I had had with guys when I was breaking up with them.

Many of my clients who are in toxic, chaotic relationships, stay because the sex is great. They know that they shouldn’t be staying but they are worried that, if they leave, they will never know sex like this again. Many of them have never had sex this good in their life.

And why is the sex so good? Because, after the adrenaline of a fight, sex can be amazing. All of the chemicals that are coursing through your body heighten your senses and enhances the sexual experience.

Who doesn’t love sex that is amazing?

So, if you find that you crave the intensity of make-up or break- up sex, you just might be someone who wants and needs a toxic relationship.

Now that you know the signs that you might just be addicted to a toxic relationship, are any of them ringing true?

Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean are the first step towards breaking the pattern. Having awareness is the key way to making change.

People who are addicted to toxic relationships are often people who have dealt with things in their lives that have made them ill prepared for a healthy relationship. They believe that they aren’t worthy of true love and deserve to be abused.

I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example for what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they got divorced is was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to get into romantic relationships, I had no idea what to do.

What I know now is that, by staying in a toxic relationship with no future, I was able to protect myself from fully giving someone my heart, to making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, by cheating, by being a pushover and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged.

Awareness of these patterns was key to me starting to make change.

You can do this too. You can break the pattern of your addictive behavior, escape from it and live happily ever after!

I promise!

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