Are you in a place where you are dating someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.
Have you been searching for someone like the person you are dating and, now that you have found them, are you surprised that they just aren’t the person for you?
I am afraid that this is very common. We meet someone and we are so hopeful and then we just don’t feel it and we just don’t get it!
There are many reasons why they check all the boxes but you still aren’t into them. Knowing them will help you see clearly and let go when, and if, it’s the right thing to do.
#1- The boxes might not be yours.
If you find that they check all the boxes but that you just aren’t into them, it might very well be because the boxes are not your boxes.
For many of us, there are things that we think we should want. Things that our parents or our friends or society tell us that we should want and should have. And we think that, if other people want those things, we should too.
For example, our parents often want us to find someone who is emotionally stable, from a good family, well off financially, and someone who wants, or doesn’t want, to have children. Our friends want them to be tall, dark and handsome and society says that they must have a certain beauty level compared to ours.
And all of those things are well and good but are they things that WE really want?
I know that, for me, my parents wanted almost everything that I have listed above for me. Of course, they did – they wanted to make sure I was well taken care of. And my friends were looking for people who were from the same east coast liberal arts schools as we were. As a result, those things were in my boxes although I really wasn’t sure I wanted them to be.
I wanted to find someone who was irreverent, smart, sarcastic, ambitious, appreciate of tequila and who didn’t want to settle down right away. I didn’t tell people that, however, because I was embarrassed to do so.
As a result, time after time, I would find people who could check all the right boxes, at least those of my family and friends, but, for me, just weren’t who I wanted.
But I tried, let me promise you. I tried to fit these square pegs into my round holes but each and every time it just led to heartbreak.
It was only once I was very clear with myself as to what was really in my boxes that I was able to find someone who could check them off when I found him.
That being said, after I got divorced, my boxes were TOTALLY different. It took me a while to figure that out but, when I did, I found the guy of my dreams.
So, take stock of what your boxes really are. Are they really what you are looking for or someone else’s idea of what you should have?
#2 – You aren’t ready.
When my ex-husband and I were on our honeymoon, I asked him how we found each other. He said that it was just a matter of timing. Romantic, no?
For many of us, we find someone who checks all the boxes, our boxes, but we just aren’t ready for them.
Perhaps we are in school and want to travel the world and even the most perfect person might hold us back. Or maybe our perfect person, the one who checks all the boxes, is right there in front of us but is ready to get married and have babies and we just aren’t!
I know that, when I was first divorced, I met someone who checked off all of my boxes but there was no way in the world that I was ready to be in a relationship. As a result, I found that I lost interest in him pretty quickly.
The initial spark that we felt wasn’t enough to keep me attached, to make me sacrifice the time that I knew I needed to take before I could be healthy again. I moved on quickly but have often wondered what things would have been like if the timing had been better.
So, how about you? Are you really ready to find someone who checks off all boxes and commit to them for the rest of your life? Are you ready to make sacrifices to be with someone, just because they are the person you think you should be with?
I can promise you that, in this world of millions of people, you will meet many people who will check off all of your boxes, not just this one. And maybe you will meet that person on the beaches of Santorini!
So, if you have a suitor, and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it could be because you just aren’t ready!
#3 – There is no chemistry.
One of the primary issues with on-line dating (which I 100% support as a means to meet people) is that we literally make a list of boxes and the dating algorithm helps us tick them off.
Therefore, when someone comes across our feed, they do so because they literally check all the boxes that we think are important, things that we believe are must haves.
You know what I mean. Their height, their age, where they live, what they do for a living, whether or not they have/want kids etc. All of those things are things we tick off as we build our dating profile.
However, what I discover often happens is that, even though someone we meet on-line might tick off all of our boxes, once we meet them, we find that there is no chemistry.
More than once, I had long, fun email and text exchanges with men I met online who checked off all the boxes. We would talk for days or weeks and I would be so excited to have met someone who was everything I wanted. And then I would meet them and there would be nothing. Zero chemistry. And I would be so disappointed.
And, more often than not, I did try to give that person a chance. They did have the qualities that I was searching for and I just didn’t feel it but I thought I should try anyway. And, no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t get there – I couldn’t get that feeling that I needed to pursue the relationship further.
So, ask yourself – is there chemistry between you and this person who seems perfect on paper? If not, it could be why they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them.
#4 – One important box might be missing.
Ok, so let’s say that you have met someone who checks off the boxes, the timing is right and the chemistry is definitely there. Why, in spite of all of this, are you still not into them? It’s so frustrating because you really want to be.
Perhaps it’s because of the fact that one box is not checked. One box that, because it isn’t checked, overrides all the ones that are.
I met a guy online once who was perfect on paper. He was all of the things that I wanted except for two – divorced and gainfully employed.
He was separated (although still living at home) and had recently been laid off from his job in the financial sector. He was confident that he would be working again soon but I had no idea.
In spite of my hesitations around these unchecked boxes, I started up a relationship but it quickly stalled out. I liked everything about him except the fact that he wasn’t divorced and spent his days job hunting I just couldn’t get past. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t get past them.
So, ask yourself if your person has some, but not all, of your boxes checked. It could be that that one missing box is the thing that is holding you back from being into this person who you think you should be into.
#5 – You love someone else.
This week on the ‘Bachelor in Paradise,’ Victoria Fuller met someone who she swears ‘checks all the boxes.’ He looks the part, is the right age, is financially secure and wants to get married and have children right away. Great!
The thing is, she also has another guy, Johnny, who she REALLY likes. And Johnny does not check off almost any of her boxes.
So, she is confused and not sure what to do next. It’s all anyone on the beach can talk about.
I believe that it is because she is attached to Johnny that, even though Alex checks ALL her boxes, she just isn’t that into him. Yes, Johnny is young, just getting started on his career and is looking for love but not marriage and babies quite yet, but she likes him. She really likes him.
He makes her laugh and he turns her on and she loves the time that they spend together. She likes the other guy too, he is a nice guy after all, but he doesn’t do that certain something to her that Johnny does. And, hence, the confusion.
I do think that it might be possible that, if Johnny wasn’t in the picture, Victoria would be able to lean into Alex in a positive way, one that might end in marriage and babies. But Johnny is in the picture and that changes everything for her.
So, if you have met someone and they check all the boxes but you just aren’t into them, it just might because you have someone else, someone who has that certain something that makes you feel great.
You must be reading this article because you are in this position, one where you have met someone and they check off all the boxes but you just aren’t into them. And I am sorry if this is true.
We all just want to have a healthy relationship and the person who checks off all the boxes is logically the person that we should be in one with. Right?
However, life, and love, just aren’t that straightforward. Love, and life, is messy.
So, ask yourself if your boxes are your boxes, if you are really ready for a healthy relationship, if the chemistry is there and if there are any boxes left unchecked.
Perhaps if you do so, you will have some clarity on what is happening and be able to decide next steps.
Remember – love is nowhere to make compromises. Hold out for what you really want and find the happiness you seek!