5 Things Men Look For In Someone Who is Marriage Material

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I know that, for many women, knowing what men look for in someone who is marriage material is confounding.

We hear stories all the time about men who are in long term relationships with someone they aren ‘ t ready to marry. And then they break up and he marries the next woman who comes along.

What is up with that?

We all know exactly what women want – love, stability, romance, laughter, etc – but I had no idea what a guy really wants in a relationship – things that, if they are missing, are deal breakers.

To figure out the answer to this question, I reached out to some guy friends and clients to see if they could shed some light on the topic.

What was amazing was that the guys said mostly the same things (except for a few outliers who went a bit off the rails) and those things were a little surprising so I thought I would share them here with you today.

Here are 5 things men look for in someone who is marriage material.

# 1 – A sense of adventure.

I know – this first thing is kind of intimidating but, rest assured, ‘ ˜adventure ‘ means different things to different people.

One of my friends, John, craves adventure with a capital A. He wants to climb really tall mountains, and then mountain bike down them. He wants to sail his boat from Florida to the Bahamas. A lazy day for him is sleeping in until 7am and then only running 7 miles. He goes, goes, goes, goes.

And he wants a woman who can keep up. Fortunately – I have just the girl for him and I just set them up!

On the other hand, my client, David, also wants adventure but his is of a different kind. He loves to walk in the woods – no mountain biking necessary – but he doesn ‘ t need to climb to the highest peaks. He loves to explore back roads in his old Mercedes convertible. He is happy having a beer on the deck, watching the water in the late afternoon.

So, while you see that adventure can mean different things to different people, without exception the men I talked to need adventure to be a part of a relationship that they will commit to. They want someone who wants to play with them, to do the things that they both love to do, no matter what those things are.

So, if you are wondering if you are someone who is marriage material for your guy, ask yourself if you and your guy play well together!

#2 – A sense of independence.

Independence, like adventure, has different meanings fordifferent people but every guy I asked said that it was very important that someone who is marriage material will give them some degree of independence.

This doesn ‘ t not mean that they want freedom to go out with other girls or to disappear without explanation or to unilaterally decide that they are going hiking in Peru for a week.

Independence means being given the space to do the things that they want to do. To have the support of their partner to pursue their passions. To not have their partner tell them that they can do something, only to act abandoned when they do. And they want their partner to also want the same kind of independence that they do.

With my boyfriend, I desperately need to have the freedom to fly. I was alone for a long time and travel is in my blood. He is more of a homebody. He is happy to let me go off on my trips – to NYC once a month or to Mexico for a girl ‘ s week. He never says ‘ ˜yes ‘ when he means ‘ ˜no ‘ and he never acts resentful when I am leaving. ‘ ˜As long as you come back, ‘ he always says, ‘ ˜I am happy to let you go. ‘

He needs independence too, but his looks different. It ‘ s me being ok with him being in his barn, puttering, for many, many hours without my feeling abandoned. He loves being out there more than anything (except for me, of course) and that I support him doing so makes him super willing to commit to me!

So, if you are wondering if your man sees you as someone who is marriage material, make sure that you are comfortable giving him the independence that he needs (and that he does the same in return).

#3 – A sense of lustfulness.

We all know that guys want, nay need, sex. In a way that many women just don ‘ t grasp, sex seems to be the life blood of every man once they hit puberty. This is not to say that women don ‘ t want sex but it ‘ s not quite the same for us.

The guys I talked to all agreed that sex was important but so was lust. Of course, they love having sex with their partner (even if it ‘ s not so great some days) but what they really want is for their partner to WANT them, to have a lust for them that they act on.

My friend, Doug, is in a relationship with a woman he loves. They have been together about 5 years and have just moved in together. And their sex life is blah.

Sure, they have sex once a week, and when they do it ‘ s pretty good, but he always has to instigate it. And he often feels like he is imposing on her by making his moves.

So, while he knows that she WILL have sex with him, what he really wants is for her to WANT to have sex with him.

Take a good look at your relationship. Is there lust there, lust that you aren ‘ t faking? Lustfulness is an essential part of any healthy relationship and one thing a man looks for in someone who is marriage material.

#4 – A sense of appreciation.

Most of my guy friends said that a sense of appreciation is something they look for in someone who is marriage material.

What do they mean by appreciation?

Appreciation is defined as ‘ ˜recognition and enjoyment of the good qualities of someone or something. ‘ In relationships, for guys, being appreciated is essential.

I have a client who wants nothing more than to keep his girlfriend happy.

He practices all the love languages – he tells her he loves her, he is affectionate with her, he spends quality time with her, buys her small gifts and he tries very hard to anticipate what she wants and follow through.

And his girlfriend loves all of these things but he doesn ‘ t feel like she really internalizes them, really understands how much he loves her and wants to make her happy.

Why does he feel that way? Because, in spite of how he treats her, if he does something wrong, even the tiniest thing, she contemptuously lashes out at him, belittling his ability to ever get anything done and telling him that, if he loved her, he would do the things she needs him to do.

There is truly nothing that kills a relationship quicker than contempt. Those passive aggressive tendencies that lead to making the other person feel less than/guilty/stupid/worthless. And, unfortunately, many of us women in relationships are guilty of contempt, of treating our men and not appreciating their efforts.

Men want someone who is marriage material to be someone who takes the whole package into consideration as to how they treat someone. Someone who appreciates the things that they do for them and doesn ‘ t belittle them for the things they don ‘ t or that they do wrong.

So, if you find that you struggle to appreciate your partner, your guy might not see you as someone who is marriage material.

#5 – A sense of parity.

For most of the history of mankind, the image of a healthy relationship was one based on the man being superior to the woman.

That the big, strong man would go out into the world and provide for his woman. That she would tend to his needs when he returned. What he said, went. What he wanted to do, happened.

Now, in 2022, things have changed. Men and women strive for parity in relationships, of being equals in every way. And believe it or not, many men like it that way and actively want it that way.

My friend, George, told me about the relationship that his parents had. His father was always in charge – of his wife and the kids. His mother worked hard to keep him happy at all costs. His dad would be gone all day on the weekends, golfing, but wouldn ‘ t let George ‘ s mother go out for a night with her friends. It was hard to watch this dynamic between his parents not only because his father was being so domineering but because his mother was ok with it.

Over the years, George watched his mother become less and less of herself. Because his father was in charge and she had little freedom to be herself, she would spend her days cleaning and doing chores. He could tell that she was bored and lonely. And she was sad. He swore to himself that his wife would never be that way.

Men want women to be their equals. They want women to share the good things and the bad. They want them to be on equal footing as far as goals and hopes and dreams. They want decisions, big and small, to be shared ones.

Of course, there are some areas where one person might be in charge but, in general, men want equality in their relationship. Gone are the days where men ruled all. That, say my guy friends, is just exhausting!

Do you and your partner treat each other with parity? Do you both take care of each other and make each other feel equal and treat each other with respect? If no, then your guy just might not want to commit to you commit to you.

So, there you are, 5 things that men want in someone who is marriage material, as told to me by a bunch of great guys in the know.

Men and women both want to be in committed relationships but, ironically, their needs can be quite different. Understanding what a man might want, things that might be much different from what you want, will help you recognize what you may or may not be giving him that might influence his desire to commit.

Do you have fun together? Do you want and respect him? Do you treat each other like equals and give each other freedom?

If the answers to these questionsare yes, and if your guy can give you what you want as well, then you might well be on the way to marriage and your happily ever after!

 

 

5 Things That Seem Like Red Flags But Are Actually Green Ones

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How can there possibly be things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones? I mean, red flags are red flags, right?

Actually, maybe not!

If there is one common theme in all of my coaching calls its to watch out for red flags in a new partner.

You know red flags, those things that pop up and make you pause and wonder if something is amiss if you should still continue moving forward in this relationship in spite of them.

What I have come to learn recently is that things that you think are red flags in a partner might actually be signs of someone who is ready for a relationship!

How did I learn this? First hand.

My boyfriend had a lot of red flags when I met him and, as we tend to do, I ignored them. I figured that he would change or I could fix him or that I would adapt because I wanted to be with him.

And, for once, ignoring those red flags was a good thing because here I am, five years later, with the most amazing man.

Here are 5 things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones, things that actually ended up being signs that he was perfect boyfriend material!

#1 – Their strong attachment to their mother.

I have written before about mama’s boys and how having a relationship with them can be challenging. I still believe this but I also know now that there is a flip side to this coin.

When I met my boyfriend, his mother was in a retirement home 5 minutes away. He went to visit her every Friday and Sunday nights. Yes, two weekend nights, every week!

When I learned about this, I thought it would be deal breaker. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with his mom two weekend nights and I believed that he would always choose her over me. I did not want or need either of those things!

My worries were completely unfounded. While my boyfriend was extremely close to his mother, their relationship was a very healthy one. The Friday night visit usually involved a gin and tonic and on Sunday we had dinner. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. And the times that I wanted to stay home, he was fine with it, and if I really wanted him not to go, he wouldn’t.

So, if your potential boyfriend has a close relationship with his mother, don’t let it end things. Give it time and learn more.

#2 – Their lack of ambition.

When I met my boyfriend, one of the first things that I asked him was what was his five-year plan. Did he know where he wanted to go next professionally? When he wanted to retire? Where he wanted to travel to?

I mean, I had a five-year plan and I wanted to hear his.

When I asked him, my boyfriend just gave me a blank stare. I don’t have one, he said. Oh boy, I thought, this is the end of this relationship.

This is an example of things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones.

What I have learned from my boyfriend is the importance of living in the moment. Instead of obsessing about what is next, my boyfriend focuses on the here and now. He loves his work and does it well but it is not the focus of his life. He likes to work on cars and build things out of wood. He likes to ski and hike and look at the sunset.

My ex-husband was extremely ambitious and I found it very appealing but now I realize that he is my ex for a reason. Being with someone who wants to live his life right now and not be on the hamster wheel always striving to be more successful and make more money, is a wonderful thing.

With him I have lived more in the past 5 years than I did in the previous 50, because I stopped trying to get ahead of wherever I was instead of just being here with him.

So, if your person doesn’t seem ambitious and it looks like a deal breaker, pause and do some more investigating. Of course, there are people in whom a lack of ambition is a negative but it does not always have to be that way!

#3 – Their lack of experience with love.

We life coaches always pause when someone tells us that they have just met someone who hasn’t been in many relationships. Why? Because with each relationship, and each break up, we learn something.

With each relationship, we learn what we want and need. We learn how to judge what someone else wants and needs. We learn how to get over a broken heart and the most productive ways to fight.

We also can learn absolutely nothing and get increasingly bitter as the years go on.

My boyfriend was a newbie when it came to relationships. He had been married for 30 years and, before that, had had a few relationships in his 20s but that was it. And I was sure that this was one of those things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones!

For many of us who are on the post-divorce dating circuit, we find that we meet people who have LOTS of baggage. People who have been so drained by marriage and divorce and disappointment and broken hearts that they struggle to trust or be vulnerable. Who go into new relationships very gingerly because they are petrified of being hurt again.

Because my boyfriend had had so few relationships, he had never had his heart broken. Yes, he had a horrible marriage that lasted much longer than it should have but the end didn’t cause him heartbreak. It caused him relief.

As a result, I have a boyfriend who came into this relationship with an open heart. I called him a babe in the woods because every new phase of our relationship filled him with wonder.

I was very damaged by my marriage and I had developed (terrible) habits in relationships to prevent myself from getting hurt. Those habits pushed a lot of guys away after my divorce. But this guy wasn’t that way. He recognized those habits for what they were and he wasn’t triggered by them. He truly wanted to help me work through them because he loved me.

No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he stayed. Why? Because he still trusted love because his heart had never been broken. It was an amazing thing to witness. I am so very lucky.

So, if your person hasn’t been in a lot of relationships, it might be one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones. You could very well find out that your babe in the woods might be just the person you need to help you let go of your baggage and be happy!

#4 – They are too easy going.

I am 100% a Type A person. I like to always be in charge of what I am doing and where I am going. I plan ahead, make contingency plans, get stressed out if plans go awry. Not knowing what is going to happen next is really hard for me.

I have always attracted other Type A people. My ex-husband was very much like me we made a plan for everything. And together we were very stressed out!

My boyfriend is SO not like that. My boyfriend wakes up on Saturday morning, lies on the couch with coffee and car videos and just chills for a few hours. There are no real concrete thoughts about what the day will hold – he just is.

And then, after he has his time, he jumps up and is ready to take his day on. BUT, because he isn’t trying to control it, he just eases into it. And easing into it makes everything way less stressful!

I never thought I would be able to put up with someone who goes with the flow but it has ended up being the best thing in the world for me because he demonstrates every day that you don’t have to control everything to be happy.

What a relief!

#5 – They more more into you than you are to them.

We have all been there having met someone who likes us way more than we like them. And, for many of us, because we like the bad boys not the nice ones, the ones who actually want to treat us with kindness and respect make us want to bolt.

If you have someone who looks at you with love, who puts up with your baggage, who is willing to actually listen and respond in kind, who doesn’t disappear only to return a few days later with excuses, who doesn’t leave you behind on a Saturday night, keep that guy.

Niceness is not a red flag. Niceness is one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

I know that niceness might seem like it would be boring, not a challenge, but, the truth is, if you have someone who loves you a lot, don’t push them away. Try opening your heart to someone who might be different from people you have dated before. You know – different from the people who are now your exes!

In most relationships, there is always one person who loves the other more. And that dynamic can often flip. If you have someone who seems more into you then you are to them, don’t run. You might find that the shoe is on the other foot sometime in the not too distant future.

So, take a risk. Try out a nice guy. You might be very happy you did!

I know that we all look for things that are red flags in a relationship but I would encourage to recognize some things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

Every relationship is different and every dynamic is different so don’t do a hard stop when a red flag gets raised. Pause for a moment, consider that the red flag is there, and why, and then reassess. Might it be time to explore this issue a little more before ending things?

I am so thankful every day that when I met this kind man who was calm and open and hardworking and who adored me. I was in a place where I was willing to open my heart to him and not run at the first sign of something that was amiss.

So, I encourage you to keep your eyes open for red flags, always. Some of them should not be ignored being ghosted, treated with contempt, lied to, cheated on etc but there are those that might be considered green flags, at least yellow flags, ones that should maybe slow you down for a bit, ones that will you look both ways before you proceed! Safely.

5 Reasons to Stay Away from Someone Who Has Cheated Before

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There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before.

I am sure that the person you have met seems amazing, and they might even be so, but if they have cheated before it is a HUGE red flag, one that should not be ignored.

Of course, not everyone who has cheated will cheat again but knowing the reasons why staying away from someone who has cheated before will help you determine if you want to take the risk with this new relationship or walk away before you get hurt!

#1 – They might struggle with commitment.

Someone who has cheated before is someone who very well might be afraid of commitment.

Perhaps they have been hurt before. Perhaps their parents set a bad example. Perhaps they aren’t sure of themselves in the world and struggle in relationships. Perhaps they have trust issues.

Whatever the reason, many people who cheat have issues that make it very hard for them to commit to someone. As a result, once they start getting close to someone, they get scared and so they cheat. They cheat to push their person away before they need to commit to them.

I have a client who has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She so wants to be in a relationship but she just doesn’t know how to be in a healthy one. When someone gets too close and makes her feel vulnerable, she cheats. Once she cheats, she can leave the relationship and not have to put her happiness at risk.

My client does this, I believe, because she has abandonment issues from her dad leaving when she a child. She truly believes that any man she loves will leave her. As a result, when they start to get too close, she cheats. Instead of breaking up with them, she cheats so that they will break up with her.

Ironically, this pattern ultimately makes her feel more abandoned because, even though she strayed, ultimately those men do leave her. She is left in this cycle of pain that she can’t break.

She is working with me to let go of those patterns but she is someone who I would caution anyone about getting into a relationship with. She would agree with me there, at least for the time being while she does her work.

#2 – Cheating is a coping mechanism.

They say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I don’t necessarily think that is always true. Some who has cheated before might see the destruction that an affair can cause, to all parties, and, as a result, they might be resolved to never cheat again.

For some people, though, cheating is an escape from their life. Much like alcohol, cheaters use cheating as a coping mechanism for their unhappiness. And, once they start, they can’t stop. They get addicted to the way that they feel when they are in the highs of an affair. When they can step out of their miserable life and, for a few hours at least, be desired and have orgasms.

I have a friend who doesn’t mean to be a cheater but he just is. He meets someone, gets involved with them and he is happy. But then life gets in the way. He struggles at work, can’t get ahead on his bills, doesn’t see his kids enough and has a bad back. He no longer drinks so he doesn’t have that coping mechanism. As a result, to manage his pain and frustration, he cheats.

He loves being out on the prowl, finding someone he is interested, flirting and being flirted with. He loves to be desired and he loves the orgasms. After a night of this, he goes home, feeling somewhat less stressed out, at least until the next time.

So, if you are with someone who has cheated before, especially if it’s more than once, just know that cheating might be a coping mechanism for them, and not a healthy one at that!

#3 – They might have left over issues with their ex.

I have a client whose husband left her after having an affair.

He left her, moved in with this person and ultimately married them. They have been together now eight years and, try as they might, she and her husband just don’t get along.

She still has a lot of anger about how things went down. They weren’t happily married but she was hoping that they could work on things and, if they couldn’t fix things, they could agree to get divorced and life would go on. It didn’t work that way, however. He betrayed her and embarrassed her to the world with his affair.

As for him, I believe that he still struggles with the guilt of what he did. As a result, he is always angry with her. He won’t take responsibility for his behavior and it’s much easier to blame her, because she was a bad wife, she ignored him etc.

So, because of the affair, my client and her ex still have a contentious relationship, one that definitely interferes with both of their new relationships.

This, I believe, is a huge reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before to make sure that your relationship isn’t influence by negative outside energy that is the result of the infidelity.

#4 – They might have impulse control issues.

Another reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because they might have impulse control issues.

Many people say that having an affair is a choice. And, yes, I agree with this. For some people, however, it is harder to resist having an affair because they struggle with impulse control.

They might be the kind of person who drinks too much, who can’t eat ice cream, who spends hours glued to Netflix instead of getting their work done. They do want to do things differently but, because they struggle to control their behaviors, they just can’t.

People who cheat are often people who easily give into their impulses, impulses that can be very destructive. Even if they aren’t having an affair, someone who can’t control their drinking can seriously impact a relationship. Someone who can’t control their eating will damage their health. And someone who can’t stop watching TV could lose their job.

So, it’s not just resisting the impulse to cheat. Someone who has cheated before could very likely go down some other avenue with their impulses that could cause havoc in your relationship.

#5 – Because you might never trust them.

One of the most important reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because, knowing that they have cheated, it might be hard to ever trust them. And being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust will only lead to pain and self-doubt.

I have a client who got involved with someone who cheated. She told herself that he was such a good guy and that he would never do that again. As the relationship went on, she started to suspect that he might be doing so. She didn’t address it directly but instead snooped around for signs or proof that he might be doing so.

As time went on and she continued to believe that he was cheating, she started feeling worse and worse about herself. She told herself that if he was cheating, he must have found someone better than her. That wasn’t good enough for anyone. And that she really couldn’t blame him because she was such a loser.

Ironically, he wasn’t cheating but, because he had cheated before, when he started to pull away a bit, she went right down the to the dark side, believing that, because he had cheated before, he would cheat again. And down she went, into darkness and despair.

Because she didn’t trust him, she started to doubt herself. Ultimately the relationship ended and she was devastated.

There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated.

Again, not everyone who has cheated cheats again but we want to be very careful before we go down the path of being with someone who waves a red flag like that one.

People who cheat might have problems with commitment and they might have impulse control issues. They might be a serial cheater who just can’t stop. They might have issues with their ex, which could interfere with the health of their relationship. And, without trust, your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you are going to take the risk and date someone who has cheated, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you have any concerns, tell them. Ask them to be honest with you. If you can talk about the past infidelity and address any signs that it might be happening again, you can stop it in its tracks before it causes more damage than it already has!

You can do this!

5 Things To Do If Your Ex Reaches Out To Not Harm Your Recovery

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I know that it can feel really good when your ex reaches out. I mean, they left you behind and here they are, wanting to be in contact again.

But, I can tell you that, when your ex reaches out, there are so many opportunities for things to go bad, even if it feels great at first.

Perhaps they beg for you back, only to leave you. Perhaps you have sex with them, only to have them disappear again. Perhaps they make you promises that they don’t keep, just like last time.

And you are left, right back where you started: broken hearted!

Luckily, there are things that you can do if your ex reaches out to not sabotage your recovery. Here are five of them!

#1 – Don’t engage. Period.

The number one most important thing to do if your ex reaches out is to not engage AT ALL.

That means no responding to see what they want. That means no responding so that you can finally get closure. That means no responding as friends. That means no responding even if they were the last person on earth.

Why? Because if we crack the door open even a little bit, our ex can push it open and place themselves squarely back in our life.

I have a client whose ex of four weeks texted her recently. Her ex was buzzed and saw some Instagram posts of her having fun and suddenly decided that he missed her and reached out.

And my client? She was thrilled, conflicted, intrigued and lonely. So, what did she do? She responded.

Two hours later she was at his house, seeking closure, and they ended up having sex. The next day he told her that, if they were going to get back together, they would have to take things slow. (RED FLAG alert!)

The day after that, he was only texting sporadically and soon making excuses for why they couldn’t get together. And my client? Left broken hearted, again!

So, don’t engage if your ex reaches out. Don’t let them back in. Period.

(Side note: I believe that closure is a myth. I believe that it is just an excuse to spend more time with your ex to see if you can talk them into staying. Think about it am I wrong?)

#2 – Take stock of why they are your ex.

Whenever my clients are going through a break up recovery, I encourage them to take stock of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. The red flags that they saw and ignored. The way their ex made them feel. The things their ex did that upset them. You know, those thousand little cuts that hurt every day.

Why? Because, after we break up with someone and we don’t feel those the thousand little cuts every day, we tend to forget what was wrong with the relationship, the things that were a part of it’s break-up..

By taking written stock of the things that were not okay, my clients have a tool to use when their exes reach out  a list of all of the things that made them miserable. This tool is so much more effective than the faulty memories of the good times, because that is just what they are  faulty and inaccurate.

With one of my exes, whenever he reached out I would go back to him. This happened for a full year and I was a shell of myself. One time I took the advice of someone who told me to make this list and, when he reached out, it worked! I remembered all of the things that made me miserable and I didn’t respond.

After a full year of not being able to break up with him, my list led me to keeping the door of our relationship firmly shut. I was finally able to move on.

#3 – Don’t drink and text.

If your ex reaches out, it is very likely that they have been drinking.

When we are drinking, our inhibitions are muted and we do things that we wouldn’t do when we are sober. We also can feel lonely or horny or bored or wistful. So, what do we do? We reach out to an ex, to see what will happen.

The same can happen if your ex reaches out to you. Even if you don’t respond at first and have your list at hand, once you have a drink or two, all of your resolve can vanish. Instead of staying strong, you can justify reaching out to them and then you do.

You think that you are reaching out as a friend.Or you respond with a list of all the ways they hurt you. Or you tell them how much fun you are having out in the world without them.

Whatever you do or say, none of it is coming from a sober place.

If you are going out with friends and there is going to be any amount of alcohol involved, I would encourage you to set up a safety net.

Perhaps you give your friend your phone or tell them you are feeling vulnerable and to not let you text, no matter what. Perhaps you change your ex’s name in your phone to Douchebag or Don’t Reach Out to this Person. Something that will give you pause before you send a text.

Luckily, there are also apps that will help you refrain from reaching out to your ex when you have been drinking. Here are a list of them. Use them!!!

#4 – Ride it out.

Ok, you are sitting on your coach, watching Friends, happy as can be (mostly). Then Ross kisses Rachel and you are suddenly stricken with loneliness, believing that you will never love or be loved again. And you want to fix it right now!

And what happens next? Your ex reaches out. You reach for the phone to respond, believing that it’s a sign that you don’t have to be alone.

And then? Only messiness.

I always encourage people, when their ex reaches out, to walk away from their phone for a few minutes. To get some ice cream, take a shower, go for a walk, find their list of why their ex sucks.

Why do I suggest that?

Because, more often than not, we respond to our ex, or even text our ex, on reflex. We are all programmed to respond to a text right away and, when an alert pops up on our phone, we reply, almost automatically.

If you can step away from your phone, do something while that initial need to respond passes, this will protect you, and your recovery, in a big way. Furthermore, if you can step away, you can take the time to think through what responding to your ex will mean for you and if it’s a good idea.

I do know that, with each minute that passes, you will be less inclined to respond. That initial hit of dopamine that you get from the text alert will pass, your heart rate will go down and you will be able think clearer.

So, ride out the initial reaction when your ex reaches out to you. Your recovery might depend on it!

#5 – Have a friend shut them down.

When I failed over and over and over to break up with my guy, I finally resorted to something I never wanted to do to have a friend shut them down. To have a friend tell them to go away.

This worked for two reasons

The first is that I had to tell my friend that the ex reached out. They then reminded me of all the reasons to stay away and pestered me to do so. Secondly, my friend texted them, in no uncertain terms, that they have no business reaching out and to pound sand, hard.

When an ex reaches out, we often hesitate to tell our family and friends. Why? Because we know that they won’t approve. They know all of the shitty things our ex did to us, things they aren’t going to forget anytime soon (even if we do). So, we hide it from them, embarrassed, determined to manage this on their own.

And that never works because we are too vulnerable.

By asking our friend to respond, we are being honest with them, including them in next steps and not going it alone. With this, our chances of sabotaging our recovery is greatly reduced.

So, there you go, five things to do if your ex reaches out to not harm your recovery.

I know that, more than anything, you want to respond to your ex. And I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you know that you shouldn’t do so.

First and foremost, don’t respond to them, don’t open the door. Remember why they are your ex and ask a friend to support you as far as managing this. Put your phone away when you are drinking and walk away from it if you are tempted to respond.

You have worked so hard to get to this healthy place. You have worked through so much pain and you have reached the other side. Do you really want to sabotage all of that hard work now and start fresh? Of course not.

You can do this! I promise!

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