5 Things People Say to Justify Staying in a Toxic Relationship

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You would be amazed at the variety of things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, the ways they excuse that they are willing to compromise their health and happiness to stay with someone who is making them miserable.

And I get it. Everyone wants to be in a relationship, so much so that they will stay in one that ‘ s bad for them, even if they are suffering. Even if they are suffering enough to reach out to a life coach.

So many of my clients know that they have to walk away, and some even do, for a minute. But staying away is easier said than done for someone who is caught up in the ups and downs of a toxic relationship.

They tend to believe that this person is the love or their life and that because their sex life is so good and that there are moments of happiness so there must be hope, right?

More often than not, no, I am afraid.

So that you can understand the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, I have listed them below.

Perhaps if you can see that what you say is just an excuse, an excuse that EVERYONE trying to escape a toxic relationship says, you will find the awareness and strength to walk away for good

Here you are – 5 things people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

#1 – I know that my love can fix them.

This is the number one excuse that I hear from people who know they are in a toxic relationship and yet they can justify staying.

When we love someone, we want to see the best in them. Even if our person causes us pain, we want to believe that they aren ‘ t horrible people, that they are just damaged people who can be fixed. And, more often than not, we set out to fix them so that we can save the relationship.

I have a client who was carrying on an affair with a married man and, while she loved him, it was making her miserable. Why? Because she saw how damaged he was and she wanted to help him. She figured if she stayed, in spite of the fact that he was married, she could show him that her love could make him happy and that he would leave his wife to be with her.

So, she set out to do just that. He was an angry person and she worked with him to stay calm. He struggled in his career because of his insecurities and she encouraged him to have confidence in his abilities and bought him career books to inspire him to work smarter. She told him he was a great lover, even though he really wasn ‘ t, and she was always there for him.

And guess what – it didn ‘ t work. Not only did he not leave his wife but he never changed, no matter how hard she tried to fix him.

But she loved him and wanted to be in the relationship so she didn ‘ t give up and, as a result, she stayed, ever hopeful but constantly let down.

So, don ‘ t believe that, if you just love your person enough, things will change. The only way someone will change is if they want to. Don ‘ t kid yourself.

If the person in front of you is making you miserable, ask yourself if you can love THIS person forever, not the person you believe that they could be. And if you can ‘ t, it ‘ s time to move on.

#2 – Things were so good in the beginning.

The beginning of any relationship is wonderful.

We spend hours talking about things, connecting in a way that we believe that we have never connected before. We have sex every night, sometimes more than once. We walk around on clouds, believing that we have finally found THE ONE.

But, as relationships settle in, those feelings change. Even in a good relationship, those intense feelings that were felt at the beginning fade, to be replaced by something that feels good but isn ‘ t so intense.

When a relationship is one that isn ‘ t good for us, those wonderful intense feelings can turn into something else, usually somethings that cause pain.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who ignored her. Who took her for granted and rarely even saw her there. And, yet, in spite of the fact that this made her miserable and made her feel like a horrible person, she stayed. Why? Because he was so nice to her in the beginning and she believed that he could be nice to her again.

Unfortunately, this just wasn ‘ t possible. For him, those intense feelings that he felt in the beginning were gone, replaced by contempt and disrespect. He had no desire to go back to the way things were in the beginning so he didn ‘ t even try.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that things could possibly be the way they were in the beginning because they won ‘ t ever be that way again.

#3 – If I can change, we will be happy!

I can ‘ t tell you how many people I coach believe that a toxic relationship is their fault. And the reason that they believe that is, more often than not, because their partner tells them this is so.

As a result, my clients are paralyzed, thinking that if they could make change, if they could be prettier or smarter or more independent or more involved in their partner ‘ s hobbies, things would be good again.

And, so, they set out to try to be all those things. They twist themselves into pretzels, trying to be what their person wants them to be, but not necessarily who they are.

Does this ever work? If people turn into things that they are not so that their person will love them again, will their relationship be happy? The answer, I am afraid, is no.

Unless you want to change for YOU, any change that you make will be inauthentic and your partner will know. If you suddenly wear make-up or like bowling, your person will only disrespect you for changing yourself for them, even if they told you it ‘ s what they wanted.

People who ask you to change are only using the way you are to make excuses for their bad behavior – they don ‘ t really expect you to change. And, when you do, they only have more contempt.

Believing that you must change, not them, is something that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship. And change definitely can be good.

But, unless you want to make change for yourself, don ‘ t even try. Changing won ‘ t save your relationship – it might even make it worse.

#4 – I will be alone forever if I leave.

This is the most inaccurate thing that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship – that they will never love or be loved again.

We all want to be in a relationship more than anything and fear that if we walk away from this one, we will never love or be loved again. That this person is the one and only person for us and leaving them will doom us to a life alone.

I remember thinking this exact thing in high school – that if I broke up with my boyfriend I would never find another one. And, guess what, I did, just a few weeks later. I have had countless boyfriends since then.

Every one of my clients who find the strength to walk away from a toxic relationship has found someone else to love. It might have taken some time and perhaps some self-reflection but they do find someone. I know that for my client who was dating a married man, when she finally got the strength to leave him, the guy of her dreams came into her life. She never would have found him if she hadn ‘ t had the strength to leave.

It ‘ s those of us who stay who never find happiness in love. We stay, in an unhappy relationship, hoping that things will change. And they don ‘ t.

So, don ‘ t let the belief that you will never love or be loved again keep you in a relationship that is bad for you. If you can walk away from this one, someone who can love you better is out there, waiting.

#5 – I don ‘ t deserve any more than I have.

This is one of the saddest things that people say to justify staying a bad relationship. That they aren ‘ t worth any more than the person they are with. The person who treats them badly.

Unfortunately, people who are in relationships that are bad for them often feel really bad about themselves.

Weeks, months or years of being with someone who tears them down, who ignores them or treats them with contempt or fools around on them or belittles them, can cause even the strongest person to lose their self-esteem. As a result, they believe that this toxic relationship is all that they deserve.

Let me tell you that NO ONE, no one deserves to be mistreated in a relationship. We are all human beings in the world who deserve to be happy, who deserve to be loved and cared for. If your person only makes you feel bad about yourself, thinking that this is all that you deserve will only hold you back from finding the love that you want, to get yourself back and live your life fully!

I would encourage you to start spending time with people who love you – your family, your friends, your co-workers, people who will remind you that you do deserve better, that you are worth a lot in this world.

If you can start to see that you deserve better, you will find the strength to walk away from this toxic relationship and find the person of your dreams.

I really should write a book about the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

Every single client of mine thinks that their situation is unique, that their toxic relationship is like none other and that staying is all that they can do.

I hate to tell them but the reasons that they stay are the same reasons that other people stay in toxic relationships. In toxic relationships, the details might be different but the dynamics of the relationships are the same. And the reasons for staying are universal.

Many (most) people have a hard time being honest with themselves about many things, particularly about the state of their relationship. As a result, they waste good time on someone who treats them badly, time that they could be spending out in the world, finding their person.

So, if you believe that the problems in this relationship can be fixed by you loving them enough, if you believe that things can go back to the way that they were in the beginning and if you believe that you don ‘ t deserve any better, ask yourself if you are truly being honest with yourself.

Do you truly think that those things are true or do you know, on some level, that you are kidding yourself? That you are just scared to go, so you stay, justifying your behavior in whatever way you can.

It ‘ s time discard those justifications, to face what those lies are doing to your happiness, to push back on them and walk away.

Walk away towards of life full of love, self-respect and honesty.

You can do this! I promise!

5 Reasons Why Your Married Man Always Breaks His Promises

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Are you having an affair and struggling because your married man always break his promises?

Are you sure that he is your soul mate and that you are meant to be together forever but are you not understanding why he never keeps a promise that he makes?

Why does he tell you he loves you out of one side of his mouth and then lie to with the other? How could someone who loves you do that?  How could you spend the rest of your life with someone you can’t trust?

I totally get it and have been there. In retrospect, I know exactly what is going on.

Let me help you understand why your married man always breaks his promises so that you can decide what to do about it.

#1 – He is making promises that he can’t keep.

The number one, and most obvious, reason your married man always breaks his promises is because he makes you promises that he just can’t keep.

I know that, back in the day, my married man was always making me promises, big and small.

He would promise that he would be there for dinner or that we could go away for the weekend or that he would call me at a certain time. And then none of those things would happen.

He would also promise me that he would leave his wife and that we would be together forever and that never happened.

All of those promises were ones that he just couldn’t keep. For the small things, life would just get in the way and they wouldn’t happen. For THE big one, I know now that, for him to do that, it would have taken a tremendous amount of strength and fortitude, something that he just did not have.

I do believe that he wanted to be with me, ultimately, but he just couldn’t make it happen. There was, for him, too much at stake to leave his wife. He knew his finances would be destroyed and that he wouldn’t see his kids all the time and that his social life would suffer.

And yet, even though he knew this, he kept on promising to leave his wife, I think hoping that one day the stars would align and he could do so without causing all the damage that he was afraid of.

And that time never came. Shocking!

#2 – You are not his priority.

I know that he says that you are the only one for him and that he puts you and your feelings first every time, but the reality is is that he just doesn’t. He might want to, but he doesn’t.

There is work and family and friends and working out and chores. All of those things are things that must get done. And none of them are things that are a secret, like you are.

I know that, when my married man promised me that he would come see me on the weekend and then he had to work, he always had to choose work. Why? Because it wasn’t like he could tell work that he couldn’t make it in because he had promised his lover that he would visit her.

Nor could he tell his family or his friends or anyone else that I existed. As a result, whenever something came up, I was the one who was cast to the side.

When we are in a real relationship where no one is kept secret, we are an open part of any equation in a decision being made. As you might know, a man will try to put his wife first because when she is happy, he is happy. The same would happen with a girlfriend. Instead of putting everything else first without considering you, your man would be able to openly share with others that he has to consider you and, often, plans could be changed in your favor.

However, now you are a secret. You are the one who he has to hide from everyone. And, as a result, even if he wanted to, he just couldn’t make you a priority.

And that, I am afraid, is one reason why your married man always breaks his promises.

#3 – He knows that you will let him get away with it.

So, be honest with yourself – when your married man breaks his promises, do you always forgive him?

I am guessing that you do get really pissed off and that you let him know it. Perhaps you make the decision to walk away forever, knowing that you just can’t deal with the lies anymore. Perhaps you actually do walk away, heartbroken.

BUT, do you always go back? I am guessing that, in spite of the broken promises, you truly believe that he is the love of your life and that once he leaves his wife he will stop breaking his promises and you will live happily ever after so back you go.

So, knowing that there will be no consequences if your married man always breaks his promises, why would he make any real effort to make any change, to keep the promises that he makes?

The best thing that you could do if your married man always breaks his promises is to get up and walk away. Walk away until he does leave his wife and is willing to put you first.

I mean, if you had a boyfriend who was always breaking his promises, would you stay, forgiving him every time for his actions? I am guessing probably not!

If you always forgive your man when he breaks his promises, I am afraid that you are as much the source of your heartbreak as he is because you stick around and take it!

#4- He might just be a liar.

It might not surprise you to hear that your married man just might be a liar.

I mean, after all, he is stepping out on his wife and, at this point, lying has probably a habit that he can’t control.

Men who are cheating on their wives are often men who have a hard time owning their behaviors. Men who feel badly about themselves. Men who know that they are letting people down. And, when they feel so badly about themselves, they can develop patterns of behavior that are toxic. And lying is one of them.

I know that, with my married guy, when we first met he was very honest with me. We shared all of our hopes and dreams and his unhappiness and from that sharing our love grew.

But, as time went on and our relationship became more complicated, he stopped being the open and forthright person he had always been. He knew that he was letting me down and he didn’t want to do that. So, to try to keep me from feeling bad, he made promises that he knew that he wouldn’t be able to keep. And he did that over and over and over in spite of how much worse it made me feel than if he hadn’t made them

And, knowing that I wouldn’t leave him, even if he lied, gave him the permission to do so, over and over and over. We developed this pattern where he lied and promised to never do it again and I forgave him and we were happy until it did happen again.

Reflect on your relationship. Has it changed over the months or years, from one that is based on honesty to one that is rife with lies? I am guessing it probably has!

#5- He knows he can’t give you what you really want.

This is THE reason why your married man always breaks his promises because he knows that, ultimately, he won’t be able to give you what you want  him.

And the way this makes him feel makes him lie to you, to break his promises.

Your married man does love you. I am sure of that. And he wants to have you in his life because you give him pleasure and sex and allow him to step away from his humdrum life, even if just for a little bit. And, because of that love, he doesn’t want to lie to you but he feels like he has to, to protect himself and you.

So, the two of you are doing this dance, a pretend waltz, trying to create a universe where you will be able to be together. And that universe is one built on broken promises and fear for the future.

Unfortunately, more often than not, affairs such as these do end. One of the participants realizes that they must let go because the pain is too great, and that person is usually the woman.

And the men will do anything for them to stay and so they make more promises, desperate to keep them in their lives, even if they know that they can’t keep them.

It is so heartbreaking to know that your married man always breaks his promises.

I know that you love him and that you truly believe that you are soulmates but I am here to tell you that that is not true. Your married man is just another damaged soul, one who just does not know what to do next.

As a result, they take the easy way out making promises and then breaking them.

It’s up to you now.

Do you want to continue on this gerbil wheel of being lied to, of waiting around for your married man to leave his wife and be with you?

Do you want to continue to forgive him, hoping that things will change?

Can you truly still love someone who lies to you over and over and over?

You only have one life to live.”Are you truly living it the way you want to?

If not, make change! You can do it! I promise.

5 Ways To Get Your Life Together After Divorce

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Are you wondering how to get your life together after divorce?

Is the life that you once led, the one that you knew so well, suddenly completely gone and do you have no idea what to do next?

Let me help!

Getting divorced can be devastating but it doesn’t have to be life ending. Getting divorced is something that you will survive but you need to take it day by day, one step at a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

The first step towards living the life you want is learning how to get your life together after divorce. If you can lay a good foundation for your new life, one that is very different from your married one, you can then build on top of it and create the life you want.

Here are 5 key ways to get your life together after divorce so that you can move forward and live your best life.

#1 – Keep your divorce papers close.

Even though your divorce is final, it is very important that you keep all of the paperwork around your divorce close by.

To that end, it is essential that you create a filing system that will work for you to manage that paperwork. Keep your final divorce agreement, a name change document and any other documents that you have related to your divorce in a place where they won’t get lost and where you can get to them easily.

Your divorce might be final but there are plenty of times over the next few years that you might need that paperwork. You might need them if you are applying for a mortgage or filing your taxes or changing your credit card account information. And if you don’t have the info close by you could be in trouble.

I have been divorced for 6 years but still find that I need my paperwork. This Christmas I bought my airplane tickets and, by mistake, the tickets were purchased in my married name. I discovered this the night before we travelled and, in order to change the name on the ticket, I had to provide the official name change documentation.

Thank goodness I had it in my file drawer so that I could send it to the airline. It still took me 5 hours on hold with the airlines to get the name changed but get it changed I did!

So, keep all of the paperwork related to your divorce in one place, a place you won’t forget and have easy access to.

#2 – Don’t ignore your finances.

Every divorce leads to some sort of financial upheaval and making sure you have a clear understanding of what your finances look like is super important if you are going to get your life together after divorce.

So, first off, review all financial documentation that you have bank accounts, mortgage accounts, credit card accounts, brokerage accounts, trusts, IRAs, etc. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of your assets, both liquid and fixed.

Next, pull together an accounting of your expenses your mortgage, your car payments, your tuition payments, your grocery expenses, your kids after school costs, etc. Whatever it is that you spend money on. Once you have all of your assets and expenses pulled together then it’s time to make a financial plan for your future.

How much money you can spend monthly, what you can put away for savings, what things might need to get adjusted to fit the new financial situation? If your financial documents are all Greek to you, as they were to me, then spend the money and hire a good financial manager who can help you figure out what your money situation is.

A thorough understanding of your financial picture will help you get your life together after divorce and make you feel safe and secure.

#3 – Identify where you will need help.

When I got divorced, one of the biggest losses for me was that I no longer had someone living with me who knew how to work power tools, trouble shoot computers and manage our taxes.

For 20 years I had relied on my husband to fix things around the house, to deal with the computer (and other technology) when things went awry and to manage the taxes each year. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that I didn’t want a divorce was because I didn’t want to deal with doing those things. Suddenly I was alone and I had to figure out how to deal with things that I had no idea how to manage.

So, what did I do? I learned how to use some tools on my own basic tools so that I could do simple things around the house. But. more importantly, I found a handyman who I could rely on to come help me if I needed help. Someone who could do all the little things that my husband used to do that I couldn’t do on my own.

As for technology, I learned that you could Google almost anything and find a You Tube video that would explain how to fix things. I also found a guy in town willing to help me if I couldn’t figure it out on my own.

And finally, for what worried me most, taxes, I hired a tax guy. Every year, in January, he sends me a worksheet of things that I need to pull together so that he can do my taxes for me in April. I gather everything together and send them to him and he does my taxes for me. It costs me some money but it is totally worth it for my piece of mind, knowing that my taxes are done and done properly.

So, take an inventory of what you will need to do around your house and figure out what you can do to get those things done. You can either set out to learn how to do them yourself or hire someone to do them for you. Either way, make a plan so you aren’t caught off guard by a broken pipe or a disabled modem.

And, conquering a drill or a clogged pipe will make you feel damn good and will make you believe that you truly can get your life together after a divorce.

#4 – Start exploring.

So, for however many years, you have a been a wife, and maybe a mother. And, I am guessing that in that period of time your life has become rather small.

When we are single, the sky is the limit as far as what we can do with our life. We can move across country, travel the world, change jobs when we feel like it, sleep in on Saturday or wake up at the crack of dawn for a run. Whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it.

Married life is different. When we are married, our lives join our spouse’s and the things we do naturally become aligned. As a result, our world can narrow.

If you want to move across country but your spouse doesn’t, you probably won’t. What you have for dinner, where you travel, what time you wake up, are all delicately navigated areas, ones where the couple must work together to make sure that everyone is satisfied.

And, as we settle into relationships, we establish routines, comfortable things that we do regularly over the course of our week. Maybe it is Friday night Pad Thai, binging some show on Saturday, softball on Tuesday evenings and Thanksgiving with his folks. Habits.

Habits are not a bad thing- they are a comfortable part of being in a couple. But, now that you aren’t in one, you can do whatever the hell you want!

So, what do you want to do now that you are single?

When I got divorced I explored things large and small. I conquered driving in a snow storm and riding a jet ski. I learned out to use a drill. I bought flannel sheets for my bed. I moved to NYC. I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and to the top of Macchu Pichu.

And I had fun!

I am in a relationship now and my life has gotten smaller again (which is not a bad thing) but I am glad that I had those years of doing what I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to.

#5 – Create a support system.

This final piece of how to get your life together after divorce is a key piece.

When we are married, we tend to focus on our nuclear family. No matter how unhappy we are, in general it is mom and dad and the kids. Chores are divided, activities are attended, meals are eaten and discussions are had.

Now that you are divorced, you will find that that the other person who was usually in bed with you in the morning and at the dinner table at night will be gone. It will be just you and the kids or, even worse, just you.

Making sure that you have a support system is a key part of surviving a divorce. Do you have friends and family who you can rely on? Do you have a therapist or life coach who understands you and can help you manage your emotions? Are you involved in activities with people you enjoy being with? Is work someplace where you can feel good about yourself and confident in your abilities?

If the answer to any or all of the questions above is NO then it’s time to get out there and find yourself a support system.

Getting started with this second act of your life will be very hard and doing it alone will make it almost impossible. So, pick up the phone and call some friends or family, make sure you see your therapist regularly, get out of the house and try new things and do things every day that make you feel good about yourself.

Trying to figure out how to get your life together after divorce is very brave. And very smart.

Those of us who find ourselves newly divorced have entered new, untrodden territory — territory we have no idea how to manage. And, when we are in a situation we don’t know how to manage, knowing first steps is a great to getting it all under control.

So, make sure that you know where all of your divorce paperwork is at all times, get your finances in order, figure out where to get help managing the small stuff, start exploring life and get a support system in place to help you when times get rough.

Being divorced doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, I am here to tell you that ten years later I am so much happier with myself and my place in the world than I was when I was married.

I do look back at me ten years ago and wished that I knew how to better navigate that first year after my divorce. If I knew more I might have skipped over some of the growing pains that I experienced out in the new world on my own.

So, get yourself together. Spend the time and money necessary to get it done so that you can go forwards, living your best life, knowing that you have it all (well, most of it at least) under control.

You can do this. I promise.

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