Why We Stay: The Truth Behind The Science of Toxic Relationships

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Probably 95% of my clients come to me because they are in toxic relationships. Thousands more read my blogs about toxic relationships every day and reach out, wondering how to get out of theirs.

Without exception, they all believe that they should be able to get out of the relationship. I mean, they know, for the most part, that they are unhappy, but they just find themselves unable to let go.

As a result, they feel terrible about themselves.

After years of study, I have come to see that, in fact, the ability to get out of a toxic relationship is not the result of some character flaw. In fact, it is often the result of chemistry in our brain and instincts in our body that make it impossible to let go of a love, even if it’s sucking us dry.

To that end, let me tell you why we stay – the truth behind the science of toxic relationships.

If you can understand the science, you will understand more about what you are dealing with and, perhaps, learn how to shift things.

#1 – What happened in our childhood.

According to Robert Winston at the National Library of Medicine, “neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as to reduce overall potential and happiness…Indeed, longitudinal studies have reported that a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout life may be significantly impaired by having an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver.â€

When their kids are born, parents are not handed a manual on how to raise kids. Instead, they are forced to wing it. Imagine driving a car without any driver’s ed – the potential for destruction is huge.

As a result, many parents make lots of mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of their own parents. Sometimes those mistakes are based on mental health issues. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of substance abuse. And sometimes they are the result of the parent just being fallible.

Whatever the reason, if a child is neglected, not touched and talked to, during their formative years, it can lead to lasting damage to their emotional wellbeing and an inability to form healthy relationships.

As a result, these people will enter relationships with the hope that they will find the love and affection that they didn’t get in their childhood. Unlike people who are healthily bonded, these people, when they don’t get the love they seek, will stay anyway because it’s all they really know.

#2 – Brain chemicals.

According to Kaia Roman in her article for mbgmindfulness, “when we ask ourselves what makes us happy, we often think of the circumstances, possessions, or people in our lives. In reality, happiness is largely a chemical experience.â€

When we are happy or loved or felt taken care of, our brain emits one (or more) of the “feel good” chemicals: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin.

These chemicals, the result of external stimuli, are things that we, as humans, get addicted to. Life is hard – these rushes of chemicals in our brain make it not so difficult, at least for a while.

This is a key piece of the science of toxic relationships.

When we first get into a relationship, these “feel good†chemicals abound. Falling in love, especially, leads our brain to get flooded with these chemicals and we feel like we will never be unhappy again.

When a relationship turns toxic, our brain has a hard time understanding that this person who made us feel so good now makes us feel so bad. As a result, it (and you) look to this person to help produce those chemicals.

And the brain never gives up – and neither do you. You stay in the relationship, believing that, somehow, you will receive those “feel good†chemicals again.

#3 – State of mental health.

Many people who are depressed, anxious, or otherwise struggling mentally health-wise, are often people who get into, and stay in, toxic relationships.

People who are struggling with mental health issues tend to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Because they feel so bad about themselves and have no hope for the future, they are willing to settle into relationships that are bad.

On the other hand, people who are in toxic relationships can be happy at the beginning and then find themselves sinking into depression or anxiety as a result of its toxicity.

Both of these things lead to the same outcome – staying in a toxic relationship because we just don’t believe that we can be happy in the world, whether in this relationship or not.

#4 – Lack of self-esteem.

Another side effect of mental health issues is a lack of healthy self-esteem.

When someone is in a toxic relationship, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain dry up completely. In combination with lack of primary bonding or events that happen in our lives, this absence of “feel good†chemicals lead to low self-esteem.

And, when we are struggling with low self-esteem, we don’t believe that we deserve any more in a relationship than we are getting.

We believe it when our partner tells us that everything is our fault. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anyone better. We don’t believe that anything will ever change. And so we stay.

Unfortunately, the longer the toxic relationship lasts, the worse one’s self-esteem gets and the more likely someone is to stay!

#5 – We are addicted to love.

As I noted before, those “feel good†chemicals that flood our brain when we are falling in love are addictive. As a result, we seek love where ever we can so that we can get those juices flowing and be happy.

We are also addicted to love because of the society we live in.

For women, we are told at birth that the pinnacle of one’s life is falling in love and getting married. On TV and in movies, the quest for love is a common topic, a quest that usually ends well.

Social media and reality TV flood us with what ideal loves looks like and how to get it!

Unfortunately, these things set us up to be addicted to love – to seek it at all costs and to hold onto it when we have it, even if it’s not healthy.

#6 – Subconscious need for drama.

I am a Pisces and what I have learned about being a Pisces over the years is that we crave drama.

Yes, we yearn for stability and consistency but, counterintuitively, we also need drama to keep us interested. And this doesn’t always have the best consequences.

It’s not only Pisces who seek drama – most of us do.

According to Nicole Roberts in Forbes Magazine, human beings need attention and we actively seek it. “To do this, we instinctively seek more drama. This is because the pituitary gland and hypothalamus secrete endorphins – also known as the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds mimicked by opioids and heroin.â€

Some drama can be good – like watching “White Lotus†– but most drama isn’t healthy. Either way, our brains release endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compound and/or the pain-suppressing compounds.

Toxic relationships are full of drama – usually bad – and that gets the endorphins going.   And this is why the make-up sex is so good – because of those “feel good†chemicals coursing through your body after a fight.

#7 – The need to be linear and efficient.

Are you one of those people who sets a goal on something and does whatever they can to get it?

Or are you one of those people who makes a list and then checks everything off?

Or perhaps the kind of person who never gives up, no matter what obstacles are in front of you?

All of these attributes can serve us well in life but they can sometimes be counterproductive in relationships, especially toxic ones.

So many of my clients stay in their toxic relationships because they have so much time invested. They think that, if they have to start again, all of their time will have been wasted.

Even worse, some clients stay because they don’t believe in quitting. And this, I always say, is self-destructive. If your partner treats you badly or your relationship is toxic and there is very little likelihood of change, not quitting will only make you unhappier.

So, know that, the things that serve us in the real world are things that can sabotage us in love. This is an important think to note when considering the science of toxic relationships.

#8 – Fear.

According to the University of Minnesota, “Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such, it is an essential part of keeping us safe.

However, when people live in constant fear, whether from physical dangers in their environment or threats they perceive, they can experience negative impacts in all areas of their lives and even become incapacitated.â€

When we are in toxic relationships, we are afraid that if we leave them, we will perish.

That we can’t live without our person or that we will never love or be loved again. And, so, we stay, fearful that if we leave, we will literally die.

Is fear, for whatever reason, keeping you in this toxic relationship? Don’t let it. You have overcome fear before and you can do it again!

#9 – Our heart and our brain don’t agree.

One of the things that sabotages us most is the disconnect between our brain and our heart. Our brain tells us one thing, and our hearts tell us another.

You know the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants?†It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always lead to a healthy outcome.

Imagine if you were looking to buy a house. You found the house of your dreams, but it cost substantially more than you can afford. Your heart tells you to go for it, your brain says walk away.

So, which organ do you follow here? Your heart and get yourself in too deep financially? Or your brain, which, if you listen.

The science of toxic relationships is quite fascinating.

While we might think that our failure to walk away from a toxic relationship is due to a personal deficiency, in reality, our bodies are wired, in many ways, to make it hard for us to do so.

Between childhood bonding, “feel good” chemicals, and the constant brain/heart battle, it’s no wonder why we stay in toxic relationships longer than we might otherwise.

All of this being said, while the science of toxic relationships is real, you do have free will. You can choose to work to overcome these biological factors and make changes in your relationship.

It might seem hard, but people do it every day. They walk away from toxic relationships and find the happiness they seek.

You can do it too!

10 Easy-To-Miss Stages of a Dying Marriage

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Many of my clients come to me wondering if their marriage is dead.

It can be hard to tell, from the inside looking out, where one’s marriage stands.

Why? Because, as the years go on, some behaviors, good and bad, become normalized, and it’s hard to tell if they are affecting the marriage in a negative way.

What my clients know is that they are unhappy in their relationship, but they aren’t sure if that means it’s over.

I tell them that there are specific signs, specific stages of a dying marriage, that can be easy to miss.

Knowing what they are is a crucial way to know if your marriage is dead or if it might be resuscitated.

Here are 10 easy-to-miss stages of a dying marriage to help you decide the next steps in your.

#1 – Out of sight, out of mind.

Do you find that, when you are away from your spouse, you never think about them, much less miss them?

Do you find that you only think about them when you are apart when you need them? Or when you are angry with them?

For people who are in a happy marriage, part of that marriage is having that person on your mind, or at least coming to mind, while you are apart.

Thinking about them shows that they are important to you which is a good sign that your marriage might not be dead.

#2 – Not noticing the little things.

When you are first with someone, it’s the little things that are so special.

The cute way that they do things. The jeans that hug their butt just so. The silliness that they display when they talk to their mom. The way they rejoice in making you happy.

As marriages go on, it’s easy to stop noticing the little things. Time and familiarity make it so those little things seem to not be as important anymore.

And, as a result, spouses can start to feel invisible and unloved.

Ironically, not noticing the little things is an easy-to-miss stage of a dying marriage because, more often than not, not noticing the little things at first is a sign of being comfortable and familiar with your partner. Ultimately though, as time goes on, that comfort can cause a disconnection that can end a marriage.

#3 – Ignoring the tension in the room.

When my ex-husband decided to go back to business school, which meant leaving the house every other weekend and being consumed with homework when he was home, I was so very angry beyond angry.

But we never talked about it. Instead, we just pretended that I didn’t care.

Over the two years when he was in school, there wasn’t a moment when the two of us were in the same room that there wasn’t tension. Instead of addressing it, though, we ignored it.

It got worse and worse, and I am sure that our marriage never recovered from those periods of sadness and anger and we are now divorced.

#4 – Loss of intimacy.

This is the sign of a dying marriage is that isn’t as hard to miss.

According to Marriage.com, sex increases levels of commitment in a marriage. Because of intimacy, a couple who might get disconnected over the course of the day or week can reconnect through physical touch.

And that can save a marriage.

Unfortunately, in many relationships, women need to feel connected before they are willing to have sex while men need sex to feel connected. This leads to a détente and sex that never happens and might even lead to even more disconnect between the two.

#5 – Lots of acts of service.

One thing that I noticed as my marriage died was how many acts of service we did for each other.

I would bring him lunch at work. He would take the kids away for the weekend to give me some space. He would take out the garbage, and I would make his favorite meal.

Both of us did these things because we were trying to show the other love.

Unfortunately, my love language is quality time, and his physical touch, and the acts of service that we were doing for each other made neither one of us feel loved.

And, because we weren’t feeling loved, it was hard to fight for the marriage, and ours eventually died.

#6 – Talking about the weather.

Does this happen to you? Do you find that you talk about the weather or current events or kid’s activities or that the car needs to be fixed but do not talk about anything of any substance at all?

Do you do this because you have found that you have nothing left in common, nothing to talk about?

Or perhaps you do this because you are both avoiding talking about the elephant in the room and so you keep the conversation surface level.

Whatever the reason, not being able to talk about things is definitely a sign that your marriage might be dead.

#7 – Not having fun together.

Just like having things to talk about, to keep a marriage strong, it is essential that the couple has fun together.

That they take the time to share experiences that they both enjoy. To stay up to date with each other’s interests. To spend time together laughing and appreciating each other.

This can be a slippery slope in a marriage. While the things that you both enjoyed initially attracted you to each other, as time goes on, those interests can diverge. And diverge to the point where you have nothing in common anymore.

They can also diverge to the point that you have disdain for what they want to do and only participate grudgingly.

Do you and your spouse still have fun together? If not, then that could well be that your marriage is dying.

#8 – Your friends don’t want to spend time with you.

Have you noticed that invitations from friends have gotten increasingly sparse?

Do your neighbors not drop by as much?

Does your family tell you they don’t like what they see between you and your spouse?

Even though many couples don’t see just how bad off their marriage is, people on the outside definitely can. They can read the tension and see the contempt and hear the complaining.

Being with that couple can be uncomfortable and just plain not fun. And so they make excuses to spend time elsewhere, ironically leaving the unhappy couple to themselves to become even more unhappy.

#9 – Being antagonistic.

Do you find that you are picking fights with your spouse all the time?

Instead of talking about things that are frustrating you, are you passive-aggressive, saying unkind things under your breath and then saying that everything is fine?

Being antagonistic is definitely a sign of an unhappy marriage. Imagine if a friend acted that way, picking fights and being rude. Would they still be your friend? I am guessing not.

People in a happy marriage don’t pick fights and be passive-aggressive. They treat their partner with respect and try to communicate clearly about things that are important to them!

#10 – No willingness to act.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients tell me that their spouses aren’t willing to get help for their marriage.

That they don’t see the need or don’t believe in therapy or make excuses that they don’t have the time.

As a result, things just stay the way they are or get worse.

A good marriage is a marriage that is being consistently worked on. It’s two people who want the marriage to be healthy and are willing to do whatever they need to do to keep it that way, and they do so without rancor.

For a couple who is stuck in unhealthy patterns because the desire to not deal is there, their marriage will definitely die a slow, painful death.

Are you reading this article because you want to save your marriage? Then I would suggest that, when you are done, you talk to your partner about getting help to work on your marriage, perhaps rebuilding it into something strong.

Sometimes the stages of a dying marriage are hard to spot.

Much like when we are drowning and trying to keep our heads above water, so being in the midst of an unhappy relationship can be hard to see.

It’s important that couples recognize the signs that their marriage is not a healthy one so that they can take the steps that they need to take to save it, if they want to.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be DOA. There is still time to save it, if you both want to!

When Your Wife Yells at You: 5 Do’s and Don’ts

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Marriage is hard. Very hard. And unfortunately, there are times when it can involve lots of yelling.

In an ideal world, couples would be able to have a calm, rational conversation about an issue, and often they can. But, sometimes, they lose control of their emotions, and they yell.

And, for many people, being yelled at is something that shuts them down.

In my work with clients, I have many men who just don’t know what to do when their wives yell at them. They feel like their reactions, or lack of, can make things worse and they just don’t know what to do.

I know that, for my husband, when I yell (which is rare) he says that his mind just shuts down. It’s blank. He has no idea what to do. I had no idea that this happened and when he told me it gave me a ton of information to share with my clients, men and women.

To that end, I thought I would share with you today the 5 do’s and don’ts that I tell my male clients when they say, ‘my wife yells at me, and I just don’t know what to do.’

Maybe these tips will help you get through these experiences in a productive way and might help prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

Do: Let her vent.

When your wife yells at you, she has lost control of her emotions. Chances are that she is yelling because she has a lot of pent-up issues, and, for some reason, feelings about them have erupted.

The best thing to do when she needs to vent is to let her do it. She needs to get it out of her system, her frustrations, and when she does, she might be able to express what she is feeling in a calmer, more rational manner.

Don’t: Walk away.

I know – it’s really hard when your wife yells at you. It’s really hard when anyone yells at you. And the temptation to walk away is huge.

But, if you walk away, you will do two things. The first is to anger her more, which will involve more, even louder, yelling. The other is that you will kick whatever the issue is down the road which, will, most likely lead, you to say ‘My wife yelled at me’ again soon.

So, do your best to stand your ground and listen to your wife as she yells at you. I know that it might take superhuman powers to do it. But, if you can, it will pay off in spades.

Do: Listen to her words.

I know that it might be difficult but, if you can, try to listen to the words that your wife is telling you. Yes, there might be a lot of very emotional, maybe unreasonable, things coming out of her mouth but hidden in there is the issue that she is upset about.

Why would you listen to the words of someone who is yelling at you, who is making you so uncomfortable by doing so, who is making you feel attacked? Because if you can try to understand what her issue is, when she is done venting, you might be able to address what she is so upset about.

Don’t: Shut her out or ignore her.

When my male clients say, ‘My wife yells at me all the time,’ I ask them what they do when she does. More often than not, my clients just don’t pay attention.

They might turn their back on her, focusing on another task. They might walk out of the room, not letting her express herself. They might look at their phone, ignoring her, waiting for the venting to be over.

This is pretty much the worst thing that you can do if your wife is yelling at you.

If your wife if yelling at you, pay attention. Again, you might have to be strong and block out the vitriol but, if she knows that you are listening, she will most likely calm down quicker.

Do: Stay calm

I know. I am asking you to stay really calm while your wife yells at you. Three times now, I have asked you.

For many people, two things happen when we are yelled at. First, we want to cut and run, to save ourselves from the pain of the yelling. The second is that we want to jump into the fray and start yelling ourselves.

We want to push back on the words that they are saying. We don’t listen to what they are trying to communicate but just focus on whatever we are going to say next. Our heart rate gets elevated and our instincts to protect ourselves kick in and we fight back.

And this, I am sure, if your wife yells at you, is not productive.

Don’t: Don’t yell back.

The next step to staying calm in the face of your wife yelling at you is to try as hard as you can to not yell back. I know that it might seem impossible, but if you can do it, it will go a long way toward the yelling being over and a possible discussion happening.

Many of my male clients really struggle with this. When they feel attacked, it is the male instinct to fight back and protect themselves. When someone they love attacks them, it is even worse.

They lose control of their emotions and raise their voice along with their wife. And this, I am afraid, willing only make the yelling escalate and lead down the road to nothing productive.

Do: Try to understand where she is coming from.

If you listen to your wife’s words, you might be able to get a sense of where she is coming from. The yelling is coming from somewhere – the key is figuring out where.

Sometimes, when we are on the other side of someone’s vitriol, we assume that, whatever they are yelling about is all about us. But, often, that isn’t the case.

Think about the times that your wife has yelled at you in the past. Has it always been about something that you have done? Or perhaps, maybe it’s about something else?

I know that, when I used to yell at my husband, is was often because of something else. Perhaps I was trying to cook dinner and the kids were being difficult, and his mother was calling and the dogs needed to be fed. He would walk in the door and ruffle through the mail pile, leaving it a mess, something that he did all the time which drove me crazy.

And, while the ruffling through the mail pile was something that I didn’t like, I generally didn’t address it. But, when things were chaotic, and I was frustrated, him doing that small action set me off.

I would yell at him for doing that and he would be bewildered at what he had done in the 30 seconds that he had been home which would make me so angry.

In fact, it really wasn’t him but it was what was going on around me.

So, know that understanding where your wife is coming from might help you manage it, and your emotions around it, so as not to escalate what was happening.

Don’t: Tell her that she is wrong.

Telling your wife that she is wrong in the middle of her yelling you will only get your head bitten off. No one likes to be told that they are wrong, especially a wife who is really angry with her husband.

Of course, you might think her wrong, and she very well could know that she is wrong, but telling her would be like prodding a tiger with a stick. She will only roar back at you, yelling loader, being more vicious.

When the fighting is done, you might be able to discuss what is happening, and she will see the error of her ways but, in the middle of it all, keep quiet. And calm.

Easier said than done, I know.

Do: Ask her what she needs from you.

Once her emotions are spent and she is no longer yelling at you, ask your wife what it is she needs from you.

Does she need some space to calm down after the yelling? Does she want to talk to you about what is going on. Does she need a hug? What is it that you can do to segue into the next part of this event.

I know that you probably aren’t feeling very loving towards your wife after she yells at you but the best way to prevent the yelling in the future is to act in a way now that is loving and supportive.

Don’t: Belittle her.

I have many clients who make the mistake of belittling their wives when they are yelling at them. They tell them that they are being ridiculous. They might perhaps mimic in a condescending way what their wife is saying. They might tell them that they are acting like a child.

Don’t do this. Again, I know that it’s difficult, but belittling someone who is already angry isn’t going to calm things down. It will only make the person doing the yelling feel that her actions are justified because you are, in fact, being a jerk.

In summary, knowing the 5 dos and 5 don’ts when you say to yourself, ‘my wife is yelling at me and I have no idea what to do.’

No one likes to be yelled at, ever. But there are ways to manage your wife’s emotions in the moment and maybe prevent the yelling from happening in the future.

All of this being said, know that if your wife’s yelling is escalating in frequency or noise levels, this is not ok. Yelling can be a form of emotional abuse that might need to be addressed. This article will tell you more about verbal abuse and what you can do to manage it.

If you find that the yelling is affecting your mental health, perhaps it will be time to get some help. Whether it’s talking to your health care professional about your options or trying to get you both into marriage counseling, if your wife’s yelling is only getting worse, it’s time to take action.

After all, taking care of yourself and your mental health is the yell to staying healthy through this challenging time and will keep you strong in the future should your wife yell at you again!

10 Reasons to Avoid Having an Affair with Married Men

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For many people, they might seem obvious the reasons to avoid having an affair with married men. After all, they are married and not available, right?

Unfortunately, for many women, they do go down that rabbit hole of having an affair with a married man. Nobody sets out to do this but it does happen, whether because they are tricked by their man, or they decide to take a chance that this married man will leave his wife and they will live happily ever after.

Whatever the reason, having an affair with a married man is, not surprisingly, a really bad idea. The pitfalls are significant and might even cause permanent damage.

Let me share with you 10 reasons to avoid having an affair with married men.

Maybe if you can see them clearly now, before you go down that slippery slope to an extramarital affair, you might be able to shut things down, before it’s too late!

#1 – He will break his promises.

If you were in a relationship with someone, would you be okay if they broke all their promises?

If they promised you, they would be somewhere and then couldn’t make it at the last minute.

If they promised you that they would take action on some matter and then not do it.

If they went promised to love you forever and then went home to another woman every night?

I am guessing that if you were in this kind of relationship, you would break up with the guy.

A married guy will break all of his promises.

He might promise you that he wants to be with you on Sunday and then cancels because of a soccer game. He might swear that he is going to tell his wife that he wants a divorce and then doesn’t do it. He might tell you that he will spend your birthday with you but then shows up at your house late because he can’t slip away.

Know this – that your married man, even if he doesn’t want to, will repeatedly lie to you, making promises that he just can’t, or won’t, keep.

#2 – Your relationship won’t be real.

Many people who are in relationships with married men tell me that they have found their soul mate and that they can’t possibly live without them.

That, I am afraid, is bullshit.

Two people who are having an affair exist in a bubble. A bubble of sex and dinners out, maybe vacations, presents, words of love and affirmation.

What they don’t have our kids to manage, finances to worry about, in-laws to deal with, and those 1000 daily cuts. It is those things that truly make a relationship. Being able to work through the difficult stuff and still have the bubble stuff.

One of the major reasons to avoid having an affair with married men is that you won’t ever truly be in a relationship, and you will forgo the chance of finding one.

#3 – His wife probably isn’t as bad as he says.

I know – I am sure that every married man’s wife is a total bitch.

She doesn’t have sex with him. She doesn’t care about him. She is always bitching and moaning. He is perfect and just wants to be loved, but she makes it impossible.

Anyone who has ever been married knows that there is no one person at fault in a marriage. As time goes on, people become complacent, taking each other for granted. Little issues are ignored which can lead to resentment. People change in different ways and can become disconnected, which can kill a sex life.

Don’t believe it if your married man tells you that his wife is an ogre and that he is an angel. It’s just not true. She is just a woman in the world, doing her best.

#4 – He is a cheater.

If there was ever a reason to avoid having an affair with a married man, it is this one – you are in a relationship with someone who is a cheater. And a liar.

I have a client who was having an affair with a married man. His wife discovered it. He promised my client that he was going to leave his wife, he just needed to find the right time to do it. He told her this for a year.

Finally, the wife said that he could go. She could tell he was unhappy, and she didn’t want that. What did my client’s boyfriend do? He stayed. He said that it wasn’t the right time to leave.

The whole time he had promised her that he would leave, and he was lying. He might have even been back to having intimacy with his wife. He was lying and cheating on both of them!

So, know that a married man who is willing to cheat isn’t one that you can trust for any sort of long-term relationship.

#5 – You will fall in love with him.

Many people go into affairs believing that it will just be about sex. That they will be able to have it once or twice, get it out of their system, and move on.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.

Scientists from Rutgers University used scans to monitor the brain activity of 30 women during orgasm. What they learned, among other things, is that an orgasm produced oxytocin, a feel-good chemical. For some reason, it produces more oxytocin for women than for men, leading women to become attached to the man in a big way.

And this will happen to you. Have sex with your married man, follow it up with some cuddling and words of affection, and, boom, you will be hooked.

I can promise you – this will happen!

#6 – You will only be lonely.

One thing that I learned while having an affair with a married man is that I was always lonely.

Except for those times, he could make time for me, I was alone.

Because I had made myself always available to him for those last-minute visits, my friends had stopped asking me to hang out because I always said no. As a result, while waiting around for him to be free, I was alone. And sad.

Furthermore, Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, birthdays, holidays etc. I was alone. He was always with his family, enjoying family activities. I was alone.

So know that unless you want to spend tons of time alone, hating yourself, you should avoid having an affair with a married man.

#7 – You will lose yourself.

Before I met my married man, I was in a great place.

I had just moved to NYC, and was building a successful business, I was happy and felt really good about myself. I am guessing that is what made him attracted to me.

A year in, I was a shell of the person I had been.

A year of knowing that what I was doing was wrong, of never being the priority, of having been on the receiving end of countless broken promises, had worn me down.

My self-esteem was shot, I was unhealthy and couldn’t focus on anything.

All of my clients find some version of this happens to them when they go down the road of having an affair with a married man. They totally lose themselves, and it feels horrible.

#8 – You won’t find a real relationship.

You want to find your person, correct? You want to have a healthy, happy relationship and build a life with someone, right?

Well, that won’t happen if you are having an affair with a married man.

Why? Because you will spend all of your time and energy on him, being there for him, and you won’t have the time or energy to date.

And, if you can find the time and energy to date, hoping to find someone so that you have the strength to leave your lover, your heart won’t really be in it because you will be pining away for your married man.

And this could set you up to never find the relationship that you want!

#9 – You will be ashamed.

If you are currently having an affair with a married man, be honest. Do you wake up every morning happy to greet the day, knowing that you are a good person in the world?

Probably not.

We are all raised to ‘do the right thing’, and one of those things is to not engage in infidelity. Furthermore, we never want to disrespect another woman for any reason, much less have an affair with her husband.

Doing these things – not doing the right thing or betraying another woman, among other things – are going to leave someone having an affair with a married man feeling really, really bad about themselves.

They know that what they are doing is wrong. They want to get out of it and can’t. And they have way too much free time to sit around, judging themselves for their actions.

Do you want to feel this way? Probably not. Avoiding an affair with married men would be the best way to prevent that from happening!

#10 – He is not your soulmate.

I know, I know. You, and your affair partner, are sure that you are each other’s soulmates.

I mean, no one gets you as they do, and it feels like you have known them for many lifetimes. How can you not go down the road to an affair with someone who is your soulmate? It is meant to be, after all!

Well, chances are, you are just two people in the world who share similar sensibilities and who have a chemical attraction. As time goes on and the affair becomes toxic, you just might begin to see it and wonder how you got on this path.

And, if you truly believe that he is your soulmate, let me share this idea with you.

A character in Elizabeth Gilbert’s book ‘Eat Pray Love,’ states that he believes that your soulmate is not someone you should share your life with because it would be too messy. What a soulmate does is come into your life, shake things up, wake you up, and then move on so that you can start living the life you are meant to lead. Or get you on the path to doing so.

Either way, another reason not to have an affair with a married man is that, no matter how much you believe it to be, this man who is cheating on his wife and breaking his promises to you is not your soulmate.

How could he be?

Perhaps you are one of those people who think that it’s easy to avoid having an affair with married men.

I mean, it is, after all, wrong, disrespectful, and toxic.

But, for many reasons, many people find themselves on the slippery slope of having an affair with a married man. And many of them go into it totally ignorant of why they do it and what it means.

So, if you are considering getting involved with a married man, know that, ultimately, the affair will most likely chew you up, spit you out and leave you a disaster.

Go find yourself a single guy instead. Even if they aren’t, ultimately, the right person for you, at the very least, they won’t be the wrong one from the get-go.

Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships Even if They Know They Should Leave

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I recently read a headline about a woman who was abused who had been killed by her husband.

He said it was an accident but, as the police investigated, they learned that her husband had been abusing her for years.

When I discussed what happened with some of my clients, many of them, while they pitied her, wondered why she didn’t leave her husband when he abused her.

The answer, I am afraid, is not a simple one. There are many reasons why women stay, many of them sometimes insurmountable.

Here are 15 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave so that we can all understand why they do so that we can show them compassion and not judgement.

Knowing these reasons might also help you see why you might be staying in a toxic relationship so that you can have some clarity about what next steps might be for you.

#1 – They are afraid to be alone.

One of the top reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid to be alone. They are afraid that they will be lonely. They are afraid that they will struggle to take care of themselves. They are afraid that they will lose their friends and their social group.

One of the reasons that we all subject ourselves to online dating is because we don’t want to be alone. We want someone to share our lives with.

When we have a bird in hand, someone we are in a relationship with, it’s hard to let it go because then we will have to start all over again. Who wants to do that?

#2 – They think no one will ever love them again.

I remember when my high school boyfriend broke up with me, I was sure that I would never love or be loved again.

I believed that, if he left me, there was no chance that anyone would ever want to be my boyfriend. I was incredibly insecure about myself and truly believed that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Of course, I found a new boyfriend pretty quickly, this being high school and all, but the fear that I never would stayed with me and led me to staying in relationships that weren’t good for me later on in my life.

#3 – They believe that everything is their fault.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they believe that everything that happens is their fault.

Many abusive men (or women) who are abusive are gaslighters. They go out of their way to convince their partners that everything that is wrong in their relationship is their fault.

That if the woman didn’t do this certain thing, everything would just be fine.

That if she didn’t leave the bread on the counter but instead put it away, he wouldn’t have to yell at her.

That if she didn’t flirt with the car repair guy, he wouldn’t have to knock her around.

If she could just keep the kids quiet during the football game, he wouldn’t have to berate her for being a bad mom.

Because a woman in an abusive relationship believes that everything is her fault, she just doesn’t believe that things would be any different in another relationship, so she stays.

#4 – Those moments of happiness between abuse.

Every abusive relationship has those moments of joy. Those moments when everyone is being nice to everyone and feeling loved. And, often, because abusive relationships usually involve heightened emotions, in both directions, those moments are GOOD!

It is those moments, and the moments that they remember from the beginning of the relationship, that lead women to stay in abusive relationships. They want to believe that they can, in fact, be happy in it, because sometimes they truly are.

#5 – They are financially dependent on their abuser.

Another top reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are financially dependent on their partners.

Whether they don’t work or whether they don’t have enough money to survive on their own, leaving just isn’t an option because they can’t afford it.

#6 – Their abuser won’t let them leave.

This happens a lot to women who are in abusive relationships.

Sarakay Smullens, in his abstract, “Five Cycles of Emotional Abuse: Codification and Treatment of an Invisible Malignancy,” notes that “the abuser will become enmeshed, or completely absorbed, with their partner. They will become afraid to let the partner leave and will be overly protective. They will flower their partner with gifts, love, and praise.â€

Quite simply, men who are abusers need their partners to stay because they need to maintain power and control and to not be able to do that is inconceivable.

#7 – They were abused as children.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they had difficult relationships with their parents.

In early childhood, hopefully, one has a relationship with one’s parents that is loving and nurturing. If that kind of relationship exists, their emotional needs are met, and their attachment styles are healthy.

If someone does not have a nurturing relationship with their parents but rather a neglectful, even abusive, one, women will develop an unhealthy attachment style, one that will lead them into abusive relationships as an adult.

To those kinds of people, abuse is the norm, not the exception, and so they stay.

#8 – They are trauma bonded.

According to MedicalNewsToday.com, “trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.â€

Breaking the cycle of trauma bonding is incredibly difficult without professional help, so unless women recognize that they are trauma bonded, they tend to think what is happening is the norm, and they stay.

#9- The kids.

This one is very obvious. They stay because of the children.

For mothers, the instinct to protect their children is primal. They will do whatever they need to do to keep them alive.

Unfortunately, this might mean staying in an abusive relationship to keep their kids from growing up in a broken family or in poverty.

They also want to make sure that they can protect their kids from the abuse and so they stay to make sure they can do this.

Of course, exposing kids to an abusive father will only set them up for attachment issues when they are adults, so staying is, most often, counterproductive.

#10- They want to fix their abuser.

There isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t believe that she can fix a damaged man.

That if she just loves him enough, he will change, and they will be happy.

Unfortunately, no one changes unless they truly want to. No amount of love will stop a man from being abusive, and staying to try to change them will never work.

#11 – They have no support.

For many women who have been abused, their abuser gets between them and their family and friends. As a result, these women feel completely isolated and believe that they will have no support if they leave the relationship.

Furthermore, resources to help abused women are not available to everyone so knowing how to leave, even if you want to, might be out of reach.

#12 – They have no place to go.

Just like being financially dependent on someone, so women who are being abused might be reliant on their abuser to keep a roof over their heads.

Their survivor instinct might be willing to put up with anything to keep themselves, and their kids, warm and dry.

Again, women’s shelters might be few and far between, and, if they are accessible, hard to get into. This would lead a woman to stay as she has no other options.

#13 – They have no self-respect.

One of the saddest things about women who are in abusive relationships is that the pattern of abuse has destroyed their self-esteem.

Being on the receiving end of words of derision, of physical violence, of being told that everything is their fault, leads women to feel worse and worse about themselves.

As a result, they don’t believe that they would be able to survive without their abuser. That they would never be loved again. That they only deserve what they have now.

And so, they stay, not believing that they deserve to be treated better and be happy.

#14 – They don’t believe that they are in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a toxic situation, it’s hard to see clearly what is going on.

Abuse can show up in different ways. Abuse can be physical, it can be emotional and verbal, it can be sexual, and it can involve gaslighting.

For many women, they believe that physical abuse is the only thing that categorizes abuse and they don’t see that being on the receiving end of verbal or sexual abuse might not be okay. And so, they stay.

#15 – They are afraid.

The final, and perhaps most obvious, reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid of what will happen if they leave.

They are afraid that their husband will hurt them, a reasonable fear considering the abuse they have been subjected to over the years.

They are afraid they will be poor. They are afraid that their friends and family won’t believe that they have been abused. They are afraid their children will suffer.

It is natural human instinct to not do things that we are scared of. In ancient times, this fear kept us alive. In more modern times, fear is something that keeps us in the line of fire instead of safely out of it.

So, there you go – why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave.

From the outside looking in, it can be hard to understand why a woman might stay in an abusive relationship but now I hope you see why they might.

No one is immune from an abusive relationship – they happen across all socio-economic lines. The stereotypes that we see from TV and movies aren’t necessarily accurate – it’s not just physical, it could be sexual, verbal or emotional abuse as well.

It’s important to recognize if you, or someone you love, might be in an abusive relationship so that you can figure out how to take next steps to get out of it.

Here is a resource to help you, or your loved one, learn more about abuse in relationships and what your options are.

You can do it!

 

How to Help Your Partner With Depression – Even if They Don’t Want You To

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There is nothing worse than having a partner who struggles with depression, especially if you have never struggled with it yourself.

And depression can have a devastating effect on relationships because managing it can be very difficult.

While it might seem obvious, the steps you might take to help your spouse with depression (i.e. talk them out of it), the steps that truly work aren’t so clear.

Let me share with you how to help your partner with depression and keep your relationship healthy.

Knowing these things will set you up for success as far as helping your partner and keeping your relationship strong.

#1 – Don’t try to fix them.

If there is one thing that you take away from this article, it’s that if your partner has depression, you don’t try to fix them. This means that you don’t try to talk them out of it. You don’t tell them to be strong. You don’t remind them how great their life is.

This means that you don’t tell them that they have to get help, that they have to reach out to a psychiatrist to fix them. This means that you don’t threaten to leave them if they don’t change.

People who are depressed know how great their lives are. They know that they should get help. They believe that you should leave them. The thing is – they don’t care. Their depression is running through their brains, and there is no magical thinking that will change how they are feeling. So, how to help your partner with depression, more than anything, is to be there for them, empathize and love them. Trying to fix them will only push them away.

#2 – Let them know you see them and are there for them.

When people are depressed, as I said above, the last thing in the world that they want to do is be fixed. There is literally nothing that you can say trying to fix them that will make any change.

What will help them is if you tell them that you see that they are struggling and that you are there for them. That you don’t understand what they are going through but that you empathize with how much it is hurting them.

Tell them that you are there for them, just to be, and that, whenever they are ready, you will be there to help them with whatever they need from you. Just having another person see you when you are depressed can be a big help!

#3 – Don’t dismiss their feelings.

If your person is telling you that they feel sad or depressed or hopeless, whatever you do, don’t try to talk them out of it.

Don’t tell them that their life is good or that they are successful at work or a good mother. Don’t remind them of an upcoming vacation or the fact that you have a fun party to go to in a few weeks.

Don’t say anything to them except for “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Trying to dismiss your partner’s feelings when they are depressed will only backfire on you and make them not want to confide in you.

#4 – Ask them what they need.

When your person tells you that they are struggling, ask them what they need. They might not know the answer, but they will appreciate that you asked.

One thing that I always encourage my clients to do when they struggle with depression is to, when they aren’t depressed, talk to their partner about what they need when they are depressed. Oftentimes, when we are depressed, we just can’t see what would help us – we are too far gone. Having a list of what might work and a partner who knows about that list could be very helpful.

#5 – Educate yourself.

If you yourself have never dealt with depression, it can be hard to understand what depression feels like.

I mean, we have all had periods of feeling down, but usually, those times pass, and life goes on. Not so much for someone who is struggling with depression.

In order to help someone, it’s important that you understand what you are dealing with. To that end, educate yourself.

There is an endless amount of information out there about depression. I would encourage you to not go looking at TikTok or Instagram for information about depression. Yes, you will get many people’s perspectives on depression (which might be helpful down the road), but you won’t understand it on its most basic, scientific level if you just rely on social media. Articles from reputable resources are where you should start!

Check out this article to help you get educated about mental health conditions.

#6 – Recognize symptoms.

Part of educating yourself is learning to identify symptoms of depression. If you can see them coming, that will help you be able to help your partner.

Some symptoms of depression: Sleeplessness, hopelessness, isolation, irritability, lack of energy, persistent sadness, and reduced mental clarity.

Of course, all of these things can be indicators of something else or of nothing, but if you see these symptoms in your partner, pay attention and see what is going on.

#7 – Have compassion.

I know that having a partner who is depressed is very difficult. The person that you love is diminished. They are less likely to engage you. They are less likely to be helpful around the house. They might be snappy or even angry. They can just be plain difficult to be around.

If your partner is struggling with depression, try to have some compassion. They don’t want to be depressed, and they don’t want to hurt you. If you can understand this, you will go a long way toward helping them through their struggles.

#8 – Accept them as they are.

If your partner is struggling with depression, sometimes it can be really hard to accept who they are in those moments.

I mean, the person who you fell in love with wasn’t depressed. The person you wake up next to wasn’t this way 6 months ago. The person who you see every day is a stranger to you.

And I know that this sucks, but if your partner is struggling with depression, accepting them as they are in this moment is important. It might be hard, but recognizing that they are struggling and telling them that it’s ok and that you are there for them, just might be the thing that you can do to help them work through it.

#9 – Learn what might be a trigger.

Sometimes people are chemically depressed. This means that their brain chemistry is off in a way that makes it hard to regulate their moods. With chemical depression, it can be hard to recognize why someone gets depressed. They just do.

Someone with situational depression has a different kind of depression. Their depression is caused by a situation or a traumatic event. The cause of their depression is easier to identify and can be easier to manage.

People with situational depression can sometimes work through their depression with time and/or therapy, but some can have things come up regularly that trigger them. Keep your eyes open for what your partner’s triggers might be. Perhaps see if you can prevent those situations from occurring. Getting ahead of it can be helpful to shut down the depression before it even starts!

#10 – Take care of yourself.

When our partner is struggling with depression, it’s very easy to give everything to them. To spend all of our time and energy trying to support them.

And, while this is very loving of you, it’s not ok. Much like we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping someone on an airplane, so too is it important that we take care of ourselves when we are trying to support someone else.

Try to make sure that you eat well and get enough sleep. Do things that make you happy. Make sure that you don’t let tasks go that would lead you to feel bad about yourself. Do what you need to do to stay strong. I know that your partner wouldn’t want you to fall apart if they are struggling. Watching you do so might even make things worse for them. So, don’t do that. For the sake of both of you, take care of yourself.

#11 – Be an active listener.

When your partner is depressed and wanting to share with you what is going on, I would encourage you to be an active listener.

Active listening involves not just hearing what your partner is saying to you but trying to understand what their words mean. To be an active listener, you must be actively involved in the conversation.

This article in Very Well Mind will help you understand what active listening involves and how you can learn how to do it to help your partner when they are struggling.

#12 – Seek help.

Of course, when we see our partners struggling, our first instinct is to try to get them help. It’s a good instinct but it is also something that our partners might refuse to take part in. And don’t force them to – that will only backfire on you.

What you can do, however, is to get some help for yourself. To talk to someone who can help you understand what you are dealing with, who can help you learn how to take care of yourself and to help you maintain your own mental health as you support your partner.

Reach out today to a life coach or a therapist to get the support you need.

#13 – Don’t take it personally.

It’s very hard not to take your partner’s depression personally. I mean, you are the person they spend the most time with – and the person who is on the receiving end of the side effects of the depression – so of course it must be about you.

And, more often than not, your partner’s depression isn’t about you. Of course, if your relationship is an unhappy one, then yes, it might be part of your partner’s depression, but, more often than not, their sadness is not about you but about either the chemistry in their brain or external stimuli.

Taking your person’s depression personally will only hold you back from supporting them and keeping yourself healthy as you do.

#14 – Offer hope.

I know that when I am depressed, the future is completely hopeless. I just can’t imagine ever being happy again. And this only makes me sink deeper into the darkness.

What I would love for my partner to do during this time is to not try to talk me out of my depression but to offer to hold onto hope for the future for me, for us.

To acknowledge that, while I can’t see it right now, the future is a bright one for them and for us, and that they will hold onto that hope.

I love it when he does that. I can’t feel it, but if the man I love believes that I will be okay, that is something little to hold on to as I get through these difficult times.

So, there you go, how to help your partner with depression.

I know that what you and your partner are struggling with is very difficult. Good for you for seeking out help to figure out how to best manage it.

My final word of advice is that if you see your partner’s depression getting worse and that they aren’t willing to do something about it, reach out for help. Perhaps talk to their doctor, or reach out to mental health lines for resources to support your person.

You might even consider telling your person that you see that they are getting worse and to ask them to let you help them.

Whatever you can do to, if your partner isn’t getting better, help them work through this dark time and get out the other side.

You can do it!

 

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