How to Recover From a Break up – 10 Things that Really Work

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If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you have had your heart broken.

And for that I am very sorry!

I know that there is nothing worse than a broken heart.

I remember my first like it was yesterday. Bobby Fortunato broke up with me for Katie Ford my mom let me stay home from school because she knew how hard it can be.

I did get over Bobby Fortunato and you can get over the person who let you go.

So, how to recover from a break up? Here are 10 things that really work so that you can over your broken heart and move on!

#1 – Set boundaries.

The first step that you MUST do is to establish boundaries with your ex.

This means no trying to be friends. It is literally impossible to be friends with an ex after a breakup – there are too many hurt feelings.

This means not making excuses for seeing each other. You are both probably missing each other, and seeing each other will only hurt.

This means no random hooking up, hoping that things might change. They won’t.

This means NO CONTACT. This means blocking them everywhere. If your ex can reach out to you, or you them, it will sabotage your healing in a big way.

#2 – Do some research.

There is so much information online about how to recover from a break up. (Like this blog!)

I always encourage my clients, when they are in break up recovery mode, to go online and learn what they can about break ups.

I encourage them to read blogs and to interact with people who are going through break ups. Getting more information about anything only helps us work through it, and interacting with like-minded people can always be helpful.

There are two caveats to this recommendation.

The first is that you recognize that the information you find online is not directly related to you and your break up. It is someone else’s story, and some of the things that you will read won’t be relevant to you. This is important to keep in mind.

I also encourage people to do this research in the beginning but to shut it down after a week or two. If you continue doing research on break ups, then you will be stuck in break up mode and not be able to move forward.

After spending some time online learning about break ups, it’s time to spend some time online learning about moving on!

A table with books and an ipad on it

#3 – Take stock of your role.

Many of us play the victim after a break up.

We think that we did nothing wrong and that our ex is completely to blame.

I have a client who told me that he had been the perfect husband for 20 years and that his wife cheating on him wasn’t his fault. In reality, he realized that he hadn’t been the perfect husband and that, while his wife’s infidelity wasn’t justified, he did have a role to play in her turning to someone else for emotional connection.

If you are playing the victim in your break up, it will definitely sabotage your break up recovery

#4 – Don’t stalk them.

In this day and age of social media, stalking an ex is easy.

Back in the day, the only way to know what an ex was doing was by grilling their friends or trying to set ourselves up somewhere we know they might be.

Now, you can go online and, in a few clicks, see what your ex is doing and with whom.

Why will stalking hamper your recovery after a break up? Because seeing them online is breaking the ‘no contact’ rule. Knowing what they are up to, seeing that they have moved on with their life, believing that they are happy without you, will only set you back to square one in your healing.

#5 – Let yourself cry.

So many of us hold in our emotions. We are told from a young age that we need to stop crying or that it makes us weak. As a result, when we have our heart broken, we tend to stuff the pain down deep instead of letting it out.

It is so important that, in every area of life, we feel our feelings. Why? Because if we feel them, we will be able to let them out of our body. Instead of holding them inside, where they can fester and cause damage, letting them go will help us to set ourselves free from the pain.

So, cry. Get a journal and write out your feelings. Talk to your friends. Get those feelings out of your head and your body so that you can take another step recovering from a break up.

#6 – Know that you are not alone.

I am sure that, right now, you are feeling like your pain is the worst pain of all. That this break up is more painful than any other break ups. And believing that will only hold you back in your recovery.

I suggested before going online and finding other people who are struggling with a break up. Find a local divorce or break up group. Spend time with friends who are going through the same thing.

The Mayo Clinic states that the benefits of a support group are significant. Support groups will help you feel less lonely, it will reduce distress, anxiety and depression. It will help you improve your coping skills and talking openly about your pain will help others heal as well.

There is nothing like sharing our situation with others who are in the same place to help us heal after a break up.

You are not alone. Know that!

Three women laying on the ground wearing sunglasses.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

I am guessing that you might be reading this blog with a pint of ice cream in your hand. Perhaps on the couch, still in your pajamas?

This is okay. But don’t let this be your world for very long.

It is very important that, when we are recovering from a break up, we take care of ourselves.

Sleeping is the most important thing. If you don’t sleep, you won’t be able to think clearly and emotions will be harder to manage.

Exercise and eating well are also key. They will make your body feel strong and confident, and there is nothing better than having a strong body.

Furthermore, exercise helps release dopamine, a feel-good chemical that will reduce the pain of the break-up, at least for a little while.

#8 – Don’t shut people out.

For many people, the instinct to isolate themselves after a break up is strong.

After all, break ups can lead to depression and isolation is a hallmark of depression.

Shutting people out, isolating yourself from people who care about you, will only hamper your recovery.

After a break up, we often feel abandoned. We feel less than. We feel unloved. Spending time with people who love you will help you to not feel those things. Instead, you will feel loved and safe and special.

Feeling this way will only help us speed along our recovery and move on.

 

#9 – Do something special.

When my husband left me, I was devastated. I found myself in a city where I didn’t know anyone, with nothing much to do. I spent time alone, trying to figure out what was next but feeling hopeless and helpless.

And then a friend called me and asked if I was interested in taking a trip to Peru. It was a five-day hiking trip that ended at Machu Picchu. Peru was somewhere that I had always wanted to go. I jumped at the opportunity and spent 5 lovely days hiking the Andes.

This trip helped me recover from my break up for two reasons.

The first is that it got me out of my hum-drum routine into something totally different. I spent time with people I didn’t know and who didn’t know my story. I spent time with people from other cultures and learned from them.

The second reason that this trip helped with my break-up recovery is that I accomplished something. I traveled to Peru, hiked to 17,000 feet, ate foods I had never eaten before, and took a risk by branching out.

Both of these things, experiencing different things and proving to myself that I could accomplish whatever I set my mind to, helped me move on in a big way!

A woman climbing up the side of a mountain.

#10 -Have hope for the future.

I know that this feels impossible right now. To have hope that you will ever love or be loved again is just beyond.

But I can tell you that you will be okay. That you will find someone else to love you. That your happily ever after is out there.

My husband left me 12 years ago. Last week, I married the love of my life. In between, I found love in many places and it made me a new, improved version of myself.

I never would have believed that this could happen. But it did. And it happens to all of my clients, without exception. If they can let go of a love that wasn’t serving them, they open up the space to find someone who will.

I am guessing that you have been through a break up before and eventually gotten past it and found love again? That will happen again. I just know it.

A woman in a straw hat is standing in the middle of sunflowers.

Knowing how to recover from a break up can be difficult.

When we are in breakup recovery mode, we often aren’t thinking clearly. Our emotions are clouding our brain and we get paralyzed.

But you can heal from your break up. You can rebuild yourself, stronger then ever. You can create the life for yourself that you have always wanted and get your happily ever after.

Instead of this being the end, it is the beginning.

I promise!

 

Why Do Cheaters Want to Stay in Relationships? 9 Surprising Reasons

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I know it seems counterintuitive, right? I mean, if someone cheats on someone, why would they want to stay in a relationship with them?

After all, they cheated. They can’t possibly still love their person and be happy in a relationship if they cheated. Right?

Actually, it’s more complicated than that. People cheat for many reasons and not only because they are no longer in love with the person they are with.

They cheat because they might struggle with low self-esteem or they have a hard time with commitment or they don’t feel loved or they need variety or they feel neglected or because the opportunity arises and, of course, sexual desire.

It is very rare (although it does happen) that someone cheats because they want to get out of a relationship.

So, why do cheaters want to stay in relationships after they have cheated?

The answers might surprise you!

#1 – They still love you.

You might be thinking “how can people cheat on someone they love?†It just doesn’t make any sense. After all, you would never do that, correct?

But, unfortunately, it happens all the time.

Just being in love isn’t enough to help someone heal their wounds. Yes, love is wonderful and it makes us feel better in the world but love doesn’t fix everything.

Someone who is well-loved and in love might still suffer from low self-esteem or depression, and that might lead them to cheat. Or they might feel neglected by the person they love and so they turn to another to make themselves feel better.

What they don’t want, at all, is to let go of the person they love. They love that person and want to be with them, and they see the cheating as something that is totally outside of their love story with their person.

I know it seems weird, but the number one reason why cheaters want to stay in relationships is that they still love their person.

#2 – They feel guilty.

Imagine you are someone who just cheated on someone you love.

Perhaps it’s your spouse or your partner or even a friend.

Can you imagine the guilt that you must feel? It must be pretty overwhelming, no?

So, what might be your instinct when you are feeling guilty about cheating?

To stay, perhaps, and try to fix things? Yes, probably.

Ironically, staying in a relationship because you feel guilty isn’t a good reason to do so. If you don’t feel genuine remorse about the affair and are willing to address the root cause of it, staying will only make things worse.

I always encourage cheaters who want to stay because they feel guilty to ask themselves if staying is really the best thing for their partners or are they staying for themselves and their guilt?

#3 – They are scared.

Cheaters who want to stay in relationships often do so because they are scared.

They are scared of letting go of someone they still love. They are scared to be out there in the world, on their own. They are scared that they will never find someone else to love and that their reputation will be forever tarnished as a cheater.

Fear is a very powerful emotion, something that keeps us from putting ourselves in harm’s way and it’s something that’s hard to overcome. When people cheat on someone they still love, the idea of losing them is almost more than they can bear.

But, again, it’s important that, if a cheater wants to stay in a relationship, that they do so because they want to make things work, not because they are scared about what is on the other side of a break up or divorce.

#4 – They don’t have other options.

This is a big one. People often want to stay in a relationship after they cheated because they have no other option than to do so.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients whose partners cheated and whom they want to leave are still in a relationship with them because there are no other options.

Perhaps it’s the finances that make someone stay or have no place to go. Or, if they leave, there will be no one to provide childcare or take care of the home.

Perhaps it’s the fact that they believe that, if they go, they won’t have any other options to find love. That the love they have, even if it’s damaged, is better than no love at all.

Having options is one of the most important things to have in one’s life, and not having them can paralyze someone when it comes to making a move.

#5 – They fear change.

According to Rosabeth Moss Kanter, writing for the Harvard Business Review, people hate change for a multitude of reasons. Change means a loss of control, uncertainty, loss of face, and concern about whether they can handle it. Fear that changing one thing might change other things. Worry that the change will backfire and that things will get worse.

A person who has cheated, especially if they have been found out, will already be dealing with a world that feels pretty wobbly.

Cheating, while it sounds sexy, will rock someone’s world, shaking the foundation of everything that they assumed about themselves.

The last thing that they want is for things to change ever further, to have to leave the family or the house that gives them the stability that they need.

And so, they want to stay!

#6 – They don’t feel good about themselves.

One of the number one reasons why people cheat, in my opinion, is because they have a low opinion of themselves.

They don’t like who they are in the world and they haven’t learned how to manage or change and so they have had to create coping mechanisms to live with themselves.

One of those coping mechanisms might be cheating. By focusing on their infidelity and their affair partner, they don’t have to think about how much they hate themselves. They are also spending time with someone who thinks they are wonderful and tells them that regularly.

When a person is no longer cheating, they need to revert to other coping mechanisms, ones that may or may not work. And the idea of leaving their partner, especially if they still love them, might be just the thing that pushes them over the edge.

They might not think that they deserve their partner, because they cheated, but leaving them will only make them feel worse about themselves.

A scary thing indeed.

#7 – They are worried about finances.

Money, money, money. It makes the world go ‘round.

For many people, they stay in their relationship after cheating because they worry about finances. Because they are anxious that, if they leave, their long-term financial health might be damaged.

And, of course, many people stay because they just can’t afford to do it, right now.

Unfortunately, staying in a relationship because of money will, most likely, just lead to a lifetime of misery. If we don’t stay in a relationship because we truly want to make the relationship work, then we won’t ever be happy.

That being said, staying might be the only option if finances are in issue, in which case, working together to try to figure out how to make co-habitation work would be wise.

#8 – They still want sex.

Sex, sex, sex – the other thing that makes the world go ‘round.

For many men, having sex is a driving factor in their life. They think about it every day and would love nothing more than to have a partner who wants as much sex as they do.

And they know that, if they leave, the chances that they have to have sex anytime soon are slim. Furthermore, for someone who might have been recently having sex with more than one person, the prospect of the absence of sex might feel overwhelming.

So, yes, cheaters who want to stay in relationships are often cheaters who want sex and hope that, if they stay, they will still be able to get the sex that they desire.

#9 – They have hope.

Many, many people who cheat regret that they did so. They know that the affair didn’t fix their lives the way that they had hoped it would. They know that they only caused other people pain. They know that they let themselves down. They promise themselves that they will do better.

And, with these thoughts in mind, they want to stay.

They want to stay so that they can work on things – both personally and as a couple – hoping that things will still be okay.

They believe that, if they leave, that will mean the end of the relationship and that they will never have the chance to make things right, something that they want to do.

I hope that you now see that cheaters want to stay in relationships for a variety of reasons.

Some of them, like hope and love, are excellent reasons to stay. They signal that the cheater wants to work to make amends and to make change and to get the relationship back on track.

Some of them are selfish, like the fear of being alone and not getting laid. Many cheaters are selfish, so these reasons, while not being okay, are on brand.

And some reasons are purely practical, like not having options or having financial anxiety.

Whatever the reasons, the fact that a cheater wants to stay in a relationship is not unusual.

If your person has cheated and wants to stay, find out why. That will help your decision about whether they should stay or should go easier.

You can do it!

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