Being happily married is the dream for most people. The idea of having a spouse to share their lives with and love unconditionally is why there are internet dating sites and relationship coaches. When we are lucky enough to get one, we are happy.
Unfortunately, what often happens in long-term marriages is that we start taking each other for granted and, even worse, the appearance of contempt of the familiar. We might still love each other but we might no longer appreciate each other.
It is important that, if this has happened in your marriage, to nip it in the bud. The best way to do that? To dig deep, reconnect with what you love about your person and show your spouse gratitude for their existence in your life.
How do you show your spouse gratitude? Let me share.
#1 – Tell them how they make you feel.
When we are first in a relationship with someone, when feelings are developing and love ultimately comes, we are very good at sharing our feelings with someone. It is all so new and fresh and we want to shout our feelings from the rooftops.
However, when we are in a marriage, we can stop being verbal with our partner about how we are feeling.
This happens especially, I have learned in my work, with men. I often ask my male clients how often they tell their wives they love them (outside of the standard ‘I love you’ when hanging up the phone). The answer I usually get is ‘I don’t need to tell her – she knows.’
Well, let me tell you – she might not know.
Men are probably worse at telling their spouses they love them because they are not experts at communication like women are. And that is okay. But it’s important for everyone to strengthen that communication muscle so that we can express our feelings for our spouse and make them feel our gratitude that we have them in our lives.
#2 – Compliment them.
When your spouse walks into the room, do you notice them? Do you notice if they took particular care getting ready or if they are dirty from the garden but looking cute? And, if you do notice them, do you tell them that you like what you see?
Again, as we get more comfortable in relationships, it can be hard to remember to notice our spouses and then acknowledge that we like what we see. But it is important to show your spouse gratitude and let them know that you still find them as hot/cute/sexy as you did in the beginning.
#3 – Get involved with what they like to do.
When my husband and I were first dating, I used to get involved in his car projects. He is renovating an old Ford truck and I would get out in the garage and get dirty and greasy with him. I genuinely enjoyed doing this and it was a fun thing that we did together.
Now, however, six years later, you will rarely find me in the garage working on his cars with him, something that he does every weekend. And, that I don’t do that hasn’t caused him any resentment but, whenever I do offer to spend a few hours with him, he is so happy. So, I do it occasionally and we always enjoy our time together!
#4 – Make them a priority.
This is another way to make sure that your spouse knows that you are grateful they are in your life – making them a priority.
Life is crazy busy with kids, work, hobbies, and extended family, and for some reason, it is usually the spouses who get relegated to the back of the line. I think that this is because we assume that they are okay with that and that we believe that they will always be there when we have time for them.
Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. My ex-husband left me because, among other reasons, he was at the back of my priority line. With my new husband, he is much closer to the top of my priority list and sometimes even at the top. And he really appreciates this, and it feels really good for me to feel his appreciation and only makes me want to do it more often.
#5- Help them with something difficult.
My husband is building a boat shed for his Ford car project. It looks like an upside-down hull (hence the name), and it is not an easy project. Because it’s hard to get skilled labor these days, he is building it himself. It is not an easy job, so every weekend, I am out there helping him build it.
It is actually quite fun for me. I am up on 10 ft ladders, drilling in bolts. I am digging up sod. I am holding the other end of arches that are hard to manage. At the end of the day I am tired and maybe sore but it has been a lovely day, being outside with him, helping him build something that is very meaningful to him.
#6 – Learn their love language.
An essential part of showing gratitude for your spouse is to learn their love language.
For those of you who are unfamiliar with love languages, it works like this. Each person has one of four things that make them feel loved – quality time, physical touch, acts of service, and gift giving.
The rub is if we don’t know our spouse’s love language, we won’t know what to do to make them feel loved. And if we don’t know their love language, we will probably try to make them feel loved with what we need to feel loved.
An example of this is, let’s say that you feel wonderful when you are being hugged or holding hands. This means that one of your love languages is physical touch. Great. You can encourage your spouse to give you hugs often. But let’s say your spouse’s love language is not physical touch but quality time; what is most important to them is that they get quality time with you. This, not hugging, is what makes them feel loved.
So, if you want your spouse to know how much you appreciate them being in your life, learn their love language and make them feel loved.
#7 – Be thankful for them in your head.
Yes, we can be outwardly appreciative of our spouses and that is good. But, it is also really important that we are thankful for them in our head. Why? Because we want our gratitude to be genuine.
Of course, our spouses can drive us crazy sometimes, maybe even often, but, focusing on the bad stuff in your mind and putting the good stuff to the side won’t help you feel good about your spouse – it will only make you resent them.
So, make an effort to catalog those good things that your partner does, and stay in touch with how you feel about them, so that you can show your spouse gratitude authentically.
#8 – Respect their wishes.
If your partner asks you to do something or to support him doing something that he wants to do, to show your spouse gratitude it is important that you respect their wishes.
If something is important enough to someone that they present it to a spouse then that means that their need is significant. If you just write off something they want to do, they definitely won’t feel loved.
This holds true for behaviors as well. If your husband asks that you not get angry with him so quickly, work hard to do so. If he annoys you, take a deep breath and stay calm. If your wife asks that you make it home on time for family dinner, make every effort to do so.
#9 – Say Thank You.
So many husbands tell me that their wives never thank them for what they do. They say that they go out of their way sometimes to do something nice for them only to be met with silence. The same holds with women who feel like they aren’t appreciated for everything that they do to keep the home front running smoothly.
It is important that we recognize the things that our spouses do for us with a Thank you. After all, how difficult is it to do so?
#10 – Do not take them for granted.
Finally, the key way to show your spouse how much you appreciate them is to not take them for granted and make sure that they know you don’t.
It is so easy to start taking a spouse for granted. After all, we have sworn to love and cherish each other forever so they can’t leave. Right? Unfortunately, they can. I know that another reason my ex-husband left is because I know longer gave him respect that he deserved and that I believed that, no matter how I treated him, he would always be there. Nope that didn’t work out!
Showing your spouse gratitude is something that we don’t do naturally but we should make every effort to do so.
Marriages are hard and long and it can be easy to disconnect from someone you love. But, if you can make an effort to let them know regularly that you see them, that you appreciate them and that you want to be with them it will go a long way towards keeping you connected and your marriage strong.
You can do it!
