The 3 Reasons That Your Married Man Will Never Leave His Wife

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If you are involved with a married man, you know how horrible it can be, sitting around waiting for him to leave his wife.

Every day he promises you that he is getting closer. That he is waiting until the time is right. That he is taking baby steps. That they just have to get through Valentine’s Day. And you soooo want to believe, so you do.

And what happens? He lets you down again. Even though Valentine’s Day is past, he still hasn’t left. Those baby steps aren’t getting him anywhere. And the time just doesn’t ever seem to be right.

So, here you sit, surfing the internet, trying to figure out if your married man will ever leave his wife – and probably not finding anything that reassures you that you will live happily ever after with him.

But why? I know that your married man says that he and his wife never have sex. That she is selfish and self-centered. That they haven’t loved each other for years. That you are the only person who has made him feel loved for decades. And those things might be true.

BUT, that doesn’t mean that he is going to leave his wife…

So, what are the 3 reasons your married man never leave his wife?

Let me share!

#1 – Because of his kids and his family.

For many men, they know that if they leave their wives they will have less time with their kids.

Divorce means separate households and split custody and that means that they won’t see their kids every night. They might even not be able to see them on weekends. And this is just not okay.

Furthermore, they don’t want to risk hurting their children in any way. They know that divorces can be painful and even more so if there is acrimony because of him leaving her for you. No man wants to hurt anyone they care about and he will do things that make you unhappy to make sure doesn’t hurts his kids.

Remember, no matter unhappy he might be in his marriage, his kids will always be his priority, as they should be. And, even if you don’t want it to be so, he will always put his kids before you. And, so he stays.

Another thing that leaving his wife would mean is leaving his family, both the one with his kids and the extended one. It would mean leaving family traditions, no more family trips, no holidays with her family. Even worse, it would mean him having to take responsibility for the things his wife takes care of – like Christmas shopping and organizing dinner parties and making sure that the kids get where they should be – something that, most likely, scares the s**t out of him.

In short, if your married man leaves his wife, he will be leaving a way of life that he most likely finds most comfortable, even if his marriage is an unhappy one.

#2- Because of finances.

For many men, they believe that it is their responsibility to take care of their family financially. As a result, they spend years of their time working their way up, making enough money to support their families, often sacrificing their time with their kids (and their marriage!) to do so.

Most likely your married man is one of those men and he knows that leaving his wife could put his family’s financial health at risk.

Divorce can have a devastating effect on a family’s finances and is the number one reason why many people don’t divorce. For men, to have worked so hard and sacrificed so much only to no longer be able to take care of himself and his family is untenable.

And, so, they stay. Even though they might be unhappily married, they stay because the family’s finances are important enough to them that they do so.

#3 – Because of his social life.

Divorce can have a devastating effect one’s social life and it something that will scare away even the most independent man from leaving his wife.

Over the years, couples build relationships outside of their families together. Whether it be school events, neighborhood dinner parties, weekend golf outings or end of the year camp outs, husbands and wives both are a part of these connections.

When a divorce occurs, these relationships can be severed. And for anyone, this can be a scary thing.

I know that for one of my clients, if he was going to leave his wife, he would have to give up all of the friend events. He knew that many of their friends would choose to be friends with his wife instead of him (mostly because the wives are in charge and that is what they would want to do).

He pictures himself alone on the weekend as his family goes camping with the neighbors. He pictures himself standing on the side lines of the soccer field with the other parents steering clear of him.  He pictures himself have to rebuild his social life over after years of establishing the one he has now and doing so with someone who he cheated on his wife with won’t make it easy.

He pictures losing the respect of the people around him when they find out that he is leaving his wife for you. Which they will, ultimately.

I know that it’s hard to understand but remember that your husband has a life outside of his relationship with you – a big life that has been cultivated over the years and leaving his wife just might be leaving that life that he loves.

So there you go  – the 3 reasons that your married man will never leave his wife.

I know that this is really hard to wrap your head around. I am guessing that you believe that the love you have for each other is worth any sacrifice that has to be made. And I appreciate that but, for many men, they just look at things differently.

For men, so much of life’s decisions are based on the practical not the emotional. To walk away from the things that drive his life, his kids, his finances and his social life, is just untenable.

Again, it’s not that he doesn’t love you (he does) and want you in his life (of course he does – you give him sex and support) but he doesn’t want to give up the rest of his life to have you!

I am sorry but it’s true!

It’s Time for Women to Start Talking About Why We Have Sex

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It’s an age-old sentiment – how do you get a man to do anything, absolutely anything? Have sex with him. And, according to my male clients, almost everything that they do in a relationship is with the goal of having more sex. As a result, for time immortal, it has been accepted, sometimes even lauded, that sex can be a transactional thing between men and woman.

But should it be?

I have a client whose marriage is struggling. Her husband has ADD and works too hard and doesn’t prioritize her. For years, she has been trying to get him to consistently notice her, to want to spend time with her, to enjoy the things that they used to enjoy together. And, most days, she fails.

Unless – she has sex with him.

She tells me that if she has sex with him, something she knows that he wants twice a week, he will be way more willing to spend time with her.

So, she has sex with him and he does something nice and then things go back to the way they always are, her feeling lonely and disconnected, him doing his own thing. Until they have sex again and so the gerbil wheel turns.

Another client has sex with her husband twice a week because, if she doesn’t, she feels guilty. My client works full time, manages her children’s schedules and keeps the household running smoothly. Her husband helps but she is the one who keeps the train on the track. More often than not, the last thing that she wants to do at the end of the day is have sex.

But, her husband wants it. He has made it very clear that he does and he often sulks in the moment when he doesn’t get it. The next day he is irritable and the more time that passes between sexual encounters, the less helpful he is around the house. My client believes that she is responsible for this behavior because she didn’t have sex with him and so she does so, begrudgingly.

I am sure that many women have found themselves in similar situations, more than once, probably with different men throughout their lives. And I am sure that many of those women have accepted that this pattern is okay, that this is just the way that it has always been, men want sex and women give it to them.

But I am asking – is it okay that women accept this pattern? Is it okay that women must give their body to their husband/boyfriend because that is just the way that it’s always been done, or, in some cases, because a god says it’s their duty to do so?

When I was in college, I was in a “friends with benefits” relationship. It was consensual and fun and satisfying. And then one day he showed up at my dorm room, drunk. I had been studying and was in bed reading. He made it very clear that he wanted sex. I did not and said so but he kept pushing it, kissing me and touching me, until we ended up in a position with him on top of me. I remember so clearly, 40 years later, making a conscience decision in that moment to give in and let him have sex with me. After all, we had had sex before and I should just give it to him and be done with it. So, I did. And, surprisingly to me, I walked away feeling hollow, used and hating myself.  I have had a fraught relationship with sex ever since.

One might think that my college experience was different from those of my clients. After all, they are married and want to do things that make their husbands happy. My question is, is it really that different? Is it our responsibility to submit our body to men to keep them happy, even if we don’t want to, in any situation?

My answer to this question is this – only if it makes us feel good in the end. And I am not saying that we need to have an orgasm. What I am saying is that is important that, when we are lying next to our man after sex, we feel connected and loving. That we don’t feel like we have sacrificed something as important as our own body for someone else. That we haven’t experienced any physical or mental pain. And it does happen – women who go into a sexual encounter unenthusiastically ultimately do find pleasure - but often times it does not.

Sexologist Kassandra Mourikis states that having sex with someone because one feels guilty or because they feel it’s their responsibility can have physical and emotional consequences. During the sex act, if a woman isn’t ready, she can feel physical pain in the moment, not something anyone should feel during the act of sex. Repeated instances of having sex as a duty can lead to avoiding any kind of physical intimacy, no longer enjoying a sexual experience and looking at sex as a duty instead of something enjoyable. Most importantly, having sex for someone else can lead to long term mental health issues.

Ironically, all of these things can ultimately lead to the death of a marriage, exactly what a woman is trying to avoid by indulging her husband.

An internet search using the keywords “women must have sex with husbands†found hundreds of articles about why women are obliged to have sex with their husbands. But I think that it’s time that we question this age-old assumption and take a look at why we feel it is our duty to have sex with our men.  We must ask ourselves why we tolerate sex when we don’t feel like it and where this belief that we had to do so comes from. Is it really our responsibility to make our man happy at the expense of our relationship with sex and our mental health?

In my perspective, Ms. Mourikis sums it up perfectly: “Each person is responsible for meeting their own pleasure,†women by setting their boundaries around sex and men by respecting those boundaries and taking their pleasure into their own hands.

How to Rebuild Life After Divorce: 11 Tips from Someone Who Has Been There

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First and foremost, I want to empathize with you that you have to be reading this article. I am sure that, even if this divorce was the right thing to do, you never want to have one. We all go into marriage so hopeful and it’s horrible when those hopes are dashed.

Now that I have said that, it’s time to talk about how to move on. And you can move on. I promise! I have been there.

Let me share with you 11 tips to help you rebuild your life after divorce, things that I learned when I went through it myself and found the life that I had always dreamed of!

#1 – Stand up for yourself.

The first thing that you must do to help you rebuild your life after your divorce happens before you get divorced. It is essential that, as you go through the divorce process, you do the best that you can do to make sure that you will have some financial security going forward.

Most states make sure that property is divided 50/50 but sometimes it doesn’t quite work out that way. And that is ok, but make sure that you get what you need to be able to rebuild your life.

Make sure that you know what you need to live comfortably. If you don’t know what you need, how can you get it?

Make sure that, if negotiations are getting tiresome, you don’t give up. Many people just agree to whatever because they want to divorce process to end. DON’T do this. The last mile is the longest but you can do it!

Make sure that, in the future looking back, you know that you handled yourself with integrity. Divorces are hard and coming out of it feeling bad about yourself won’t help you move on.

I know that this divorce process is long and hard but making sure that you get what you need will help with rebuilding your life going forward.

#2 – Reframe your narrative.

My ex-husband left me for his college girlfriend and I was devasted. For many years, whenever my divorce came up, I told people the truth about what happened. I was angry and I wanted sympathy and that was my narrative.

And then a friend reminded me that I had been miserable in my marriage for a long time and I hadn’t had the guts to move on. The way my ex left sucked but the reality was he did a good thing for us. Our marriage was only sucking us both down. She suggested that, instead of making myself into the victim, I portray myself as a victor, someone who came out of a dying marriage intact and who was rebuilding the life that I wanted.

Reframing my narrative, not seeing myself as a victim, made all the difference in setting the stage for rebuilding my life after my divorce.

#3 – Don’t expect to just bounce back.

I have a client who, after he found out his wife had cheated on him, kicked her out and, within weeks, filed for and got his divorce. He told me that he was one of those people that, when someone wrong them, they are dead to them and that he was moving on.

I knew better.

I know that you want to move on. That you want to let go of the pain and the anger and the disappointment and whatever else it is that you are feeling. And you will. It just won’t happen right now.

For my client, he did not just move on. In spite of the fact that they were divorced, the pain and acrimony continued, for months. He so wanted to stop feeling the way he was feeling but the feelings were still strong and he couldn’t control them.

I know that this might feel disheartening but I can promise you that you will bounce back. Everyone does. It just might take a little bit longer than you might had hoped for!

#4 – Rearrange your space.

If you are still in the home that you shared with your ex, I am guessing that it feels like it is full of the ghosts of your marriage, the good times and the bad. And I am sure that you would like to get rid of those ghosts ASAP.

One of my clients rearranged her home in a big way after her divorce. She took all of the furniture and knick-knacks in her bedroom (throwing or packing away things that caused her mixed feelings) and moved them to the TV room. She then took the TV room stuff and put it in her old bedroom. She told me that doing this switching helped her start to rebuild her life in a big way.

Can you switch up your space? Get rid of things that have bad memories and create a space for yourself where you feel safe? If yes, do it. It could make all the difference.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

I know. This is an obvious one but one we often ignore.

Yes, I know that you are devasted and that eating ice cream on the couch in front of the TV is way more appealing than getting out there and going for a walk. I get it!

But, do everything in your power to get off the couch – at least long enough to take that walk.

If you stop taking care of yourself during this period of transition, it will only hold you back from healing. It is important to get enough sleep (try these tips to help), to eat well and get some exercise. I am not saying join a gym – just make sure that you get your heart rate up every day. I promise you that the dopamine that you get from the exercise will help tremendously with managing your feelings.

As for me, in the months after my divorce, I got a massage once a week. It felt so good to be touched and to have someone take care of me. What would make you feel good?

#6 – Find new friends.

Soon after my husband asked me for a divorce, I met a woman who changed my life. We were both realtors and crossed paths during a house showing. We liked each other and made a plan to go for a walk together. It turned out that she was divorced and newly remarried and that she was a few years ahead of me with rebuilding her life. She helped me understand what I needed to move forward (to make sure that I had all my stuff around me and to stand up for myself financially during the divorce) and inspired me with her happy new marriage.

I met another woman at the pet store and became fast friends. We went thrifting together and drank manhattans and generally had fun. She was someone who I never would have met if I hadn’t been looking for friends.

I know that making new friends can be challenging but pick your head up and look around. There are lots of women out there who are looking for new friends too!

Two women are smiling while one of them is using a cell phone.

#7- Spend time with loved ones.

Chances are good that, after your divorce, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself. Divorces are hard and can destroy one’s confidence and self-esteem.

If there are any people out there who can help you rebuild your self-esteem it’s your loved ones. The ones who have always been there for you, who know who you are, who know what you need when you are sad, who will remind you, over and over, that you are amazing and that you are going to be okay.

So, instead of isolating yourself, pick up the phone and reach out to someone who loves you. You will be glad you did!

#8 – Don’t jump right into a new relationship.

I know – you are probably feeling pretty lonely right now and just want to get on with your life and, ideally, with a partner. And I get it! BUT, now is not the time.

Now is the time for you to take a good hard look at what happened in your marriage and what you need to do differently next time. If don’t have a clear understanding of what those things are, you will find that you make the same old mistakes. (Over 60% of second marriages fail for just this reason).

If you absolutely must get back out there, dating wise, I would encourage you to go on dates but not get into a relationship. To refamiliarize yourself with dating and flirting and disappointment. That way, when you are ready to get into a relationship again, you will have been in training and will be a better dater and partner.

#9 – Do things that you have always wanted to do.

When we are married we tend to get into ruts. I know that my married life involved chores and meals and yoga and binge-watching TV. And those things were okay and I never really thought about doing anything else.

When I got divorced, I suddenly had the space to do anything that I wanted to do (mostly). So, I thought about what I wanted to do and I did it! Since my divorce I have hiked in Peru, slept at the bottom of the grand canyon, moved to NYC, taking my kids to Europe, started a business and gotten married.

I wouldn’t have done any of those things if I had stayed married and part of rebuilding my life after my divorce was doing things that made my heart sing!

#10- Get help with managing your feelings.

I know. You are tough. You don’t need help. But, let me tell you – you do.

Chances are that you have never been through a divorce before and therefore have no experience with how to do it. Having someone help you navigate this period of your life is essential if you want to cope with divorce emotionally

I know that when I was recovering, I was plagued with feelings of guilt. Guilt for the things that I did and didn’t do in my marriage. Guilt about breaking up my family. I also felt bad about myself because my husband left me. And the loneliness was at times overwhelming.

I found myself a life coach who helped with letting go of toxic relationships (which inspired me to start this business) and they helped me process those emotions so that I could move on.

Get some help!  It doesn’t have to be forever – just for now while you heal.

#11 – Know you will find love again.

I know that it doesn’t feel like you will ever love or be loved again. The rug has been pulled out from under your life and you are feeling incredibly damaged as a result.

But I can promise you that you will find love again. There are many people out there, just like you, how are dealing with heartbreak but who are also looking to find love. Just be patient. Your person is out there. I promise!

I know that it might seem impossible right now but it is possible to rebuild your life after your divorce.

The prospect is daunting, I know, but if you can take the tips that I recommend, you will find yourself on the pathway to healing quicker than you will from the couch.

You can do it!

 

Can I Help My Wife Heal after I Cheated? Yes, You Can!

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First of all, good for you for wondering how you can help your wife heal after you cheated. Many cheaters don’t do this and good for you for seeking to learn how to do so.

Cheating can have a devastating effect on a relationship, on the cheater and on the person who was cheated on. For many people, cheating leads a lifetime of feeling guilty or hurt or distrustful or self-hatred, all things that are detrimental not only to a couple but also to an individual.

Fortunately, there are ways to help your wife heal after you cheated and, at the same time, help you heal as well.

Here are 9 ways to help your wife heal after you cheated.

#1 – By being completely honest.

The number one most important thing to help your wife heal after your infidelity is by being 100% honest about what happened in the affair. Not 99% – 100%. This includes any details that she asks for and not hiding something because you don’t want to hurt her (a common occurrence for men, who instinctively don’t want to hurt any woman).

The only way to start to rebuild trust in a relationship is by giving your partner the truth. The truth about how and why and when. The truth about questions she might ask. The truth about how you were feeling as it happened. The truth about the circumstances in which you strayed.

Why is the truth important? First of all, truth is essential to rebuilding trust in a relationship. Without the truth, trust is impossible. It is also important reason to be 100% truthful with your wife is so that she has the information that she needs to figure out how she wants to move forward in the marriage.

For some wives, the fact that you cheated means that the marriage is over but, for many wives, their feelings are complicated and they aren’t sure how they want to proceed. Knowing what happened will help them do so.

#2 – By showing remorse.

I know that you are probably feeling pretty guilty right now but are you also feeling a little bit self-righteous? After all, you are probably receiving the brunt of a lot of vitriol about what you did and who you are and that probably makes you feel defensive. How is this defensiveness making you behave? Is it making you push back on your wife’s words or are you showing remorse for what you did?

It is essential that you show real remorse for what happened. I know that you might believe that the whole thing is complicated and that there are myriad reasons why you cheated but the reality is is that you cheated on someone to whom you made a vow to be faithful and the fact that you violated that vow means that it’s time for you to show real remorse.

So, if you want to help your wife heal after your infidelity, don’t push back on her words ubt show her true remorse.

#3 – By cutting off the affair partner.

This is so important! If you have been caught cheating or if you confess to it on your own, of paramount importance with helping your wife heal is cutting off all contact with your affair partner.

And I mean ALL contact. No seeing them, no texting, no liking their Instagram posts. Nothing.

After all, any contact with your affair partner will most likely perpetuate your feelings for them and perhaps keep the affair going. And, if you want your wife to believe that you are truly remorseful, keeping in contact with your AF won’t help with that.

#4 – By being willing to talk about what happened.

Your wife might have lots of questions, questions that you might be very uncomfortable answering. And I am sorry but that is on you.  You cheated and your wife wants to know details and answers to her questions are a key part of helping her heal.

I have a client whose husband refused to tell her the details of what happened and so she reached out to his affair partner, with disastrous results. The affair partner overshared what happened and blamed the wife for what they did. You can imagine how this made her feel.

So, be willing to answer your wife’s questions. If you don’t, she might get her answers elsewhere which would only put another nail in your coffin.

#5 – By accepting that your wife can’t “just let it go.â€

I see this all the time. A husband wants his wife to just let it go. After all, the affair is over – can’t they just get on with life and forget it ever happened?

Unfortunately, the answer to that question is “no.†The affair happened, you got caught and your relationship will be forever changed as a result. It’s time to get used to that fact.

I am not saying that your wife won’t be able to ever let what happened go but it will take some time. It will take some time to accept what happened and figure out how to move forward. It will take some time to work to forgive you, or not, for what happened. It will take some time for her to start feeling good about herself again as she is probably not feeling that way right now.

So, no matter how much you want to sweep the whole thing under the rug and forget it ever happened, know that you can’t. This thing happened and it isn’t going to unhappen and you must face it head on.

#6 – By being willing to get help.

Chance are, neither you or your wife have ever dealt with infidelity in marriage and you will need some support navigating its after effects. The best way to do that is through marriage counseling or coaching.

Many men who have cheated don’t want to go to marriage counseling. They believe that their wife and a therapist will just pile on blame for what happened and that it won’t feel good. The reality is that, with a good coach or therapist, this won’t happen. A good therapist or life coach will help you explore the reasons that you cheated and teach you both some tools to work through this and rebuild your relationship.

I can promise you that, if you refuse to get counseling about your infidelity, the chances that your wife will heal are infinitesimal.

Two people sitting in chairs talking to each other.

#7 – By not blaming her.

I do believe that men don’t cheat if they are in a happy, satisfying relationship. I do believe that men are often presented with someone who thinks them smart and wonderful and who wants to have sex with them, things that might have been missing in their marriage, and they can’t resist the temptation to stray.

That being said, you must take responsibility for the fact that you made the decision to cheat. Yes, your marriage might struggling, and your wife bears some responsibility for this, but you chose to, instead of addressing the issues, get what you needed elsewhere.

One of the reasons that it’s important to not blame your wife is because she is already feeling horrible about herself. How could she not if the person who said they would love them forever cheated? If you blame her for what happened, it might make you feel better but it will only make her feel worse and hinder her healing, in a big way.

#8 – By showing them love.

I know that this might be a hard one but it is essential that you do your best to make your partner feel loved during this recovery period.

Even if you don’t love your wife I am guessing that you still like her. It is important that you show her this. To help her overcome her feelings of self-loathing that are the result of you cheating on her.

Many men try to give their wives space after the discovery of infidelity, mostly because they feel guilty and don’t want to be yelled at. And giving your wife space if she asks for it is very important. But don’t give her too much space. Make sure that she knows that you are there for her if she needs you. Do little things that will make her feel loved.

Even if your marriage might be over, letting your wife know that, no matter what happened, you still care about her, will go a long way towards helping her heal after your cheating.

#9 – By committing to taking a hard look at yourself.

This infidelity didn’t happen in a void. Yes, your marriage might have been troubled but what is it about you that made you step out on your wife? After all, not every man cheats when their marriage is struggling.

For many women, a key part of healing is knowing that their husband is willing to take a good hard look at themselves and why they did what they did. Many men are hesitant to do any self-reflection and showing your wife that you are willing to do so will help her see that you want to do what you can to save your marriage and to make sure that what happened will never happen again.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach and start doing some digging now.

Again, good for you for trying to help your wife after heal after you cheated.

I know that you have an uphill battle ahead, that recovering after the discovery of an affair is a long road and one that will take some patience and perseverance.

But you can do it. And you can support your wife in her process to move past this. By doing so, you are ensuring that you and your wife can rebuild your relationship, even if you don’t stay married.

That being said, its way more likely that you will stay married if you take the suggestions above and implement them, now.

You can do it!

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