Is it Love or Control? Key Differences That You Must Look Out For

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I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me, unhappy in their relationship, and they aren’t sure why. After all, they tell me, they know that their person loves them. How can they possibly not be feeling like they will be living happily ever after.

The key is, I tell them whether or not their partner truly loves them or is trying to control them.

The key thing to know is that love supports your growth, while control limits your freedom. It’s not always easy to spot the difference, especially when control is disguised as care or concern. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and independence. Controlling behaviors, on the other hand, often involve monitoring, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

If Your Partner Does THIS, It’s Not Love, It’s Control

First, What Does Healthy Love Looks Like?

Healthy love thrives on respect, trust, and freedom – not fear or restrictions. In a strong relationship, both partners feel valued and free to express their thoughts and emotions. Your voice matters, your time is appreciated, and your boundaries are upheld. Disagreements may happen, but they’re handled with open communication and teamwork, not manipulation or threats.

And, most importantly, you feel more like your true self, not less.

Here are some things to look out for:

# 1 – Is There Mutual Respect and Trust?

Mutual respect means treating each other as equals, where no one holds all the power or makes all the decisions. Practically, this looks like listening attentively, avoiding hurtful remarks, and making requests instead of demands. For instance, saying, “Could we talk about how often we text?” is far healthier than, “You need to text me every hour.”

Trust, on the other hand, is built on confidence in each other’s honesty and decision-making without constant surveillance. You don’t feel the need to check your partner’s phone or insist on sharing passwords to prove loyalty. Instead, you assume good intentions unless given a reason to think otherwise. A 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association found that strong relationships are closely tied to mutual respect and trust, while low trust often leads to anxiety and conflict.

Many of my clients say that while there was mutual respect in the beginning, as time has gone on, it has faded. They are left with feeling like they need to change who they are to gain the respect they desire, often to no effect.

#2 – Do You Support Each Other’s Independence?

Alongside mutual respect, independence plays a key role in healthy love. Partners who value each other’s individuality see it as a strength, not a threat. They encourage personal goals – whether it’s pursuing further education, changing careers, or diving into creative projects – and support hobbies and friendships without guilt. Studies show that autonomy leads to greater relationship satisfaction because it allows each person to maintain their sense of self, bringing a more grounded and complete version of themselves to the partnership.

For example, saying, “I’m so proud of you for going back to school; let’s figure out how to balance chores so you have time to study,” builds support. On the flip side, saying, “If you do that, you’ll have no time for me,” discourages growth. Healthy independence also means celebrating your partner’s time with friends or solo pursuits without resentment, showing joy for their choices rather than reacting with anger or withdrawal.

#3 – Are there Open Communication and Clear Boundaries

Healthy relationships also rely on open dialogue and well-defined boundaries. This includes using “I” statements, like, “I feel uneasy when plans change at the last minute,” instead of blame-filled language, such as, “You never care about my time.” It also means listening to feedback without defensiveness and clarifying misunderstandings. For example, saying, “When you didn’t text back, I wondered if you were upset – was that the case?” helps avoid assumptions.

Boundaries, when done right, protect your emotional well-being without controlling your partner. Saying, “I’m not okay with yelling; if things get heated, I’ll need to step away,” is a healthy boundary. In contrast, saying, “You can’t see your friends without me,” crosses the line into control. Boundaries should be mutually discussed, adaptable over time, and designed to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.

For tools to improve communication or create stronger boundaries, check out my website where you will find more tools to help you reach these goals!

So, What Does Controlling Behavior Looks Like?

Healthy love encourages independence and allows you to grow as an individual. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to limit your freedom, often masked as concern. Instead of feeling supported and more like yourself, you might feel smaller, restricted, and constantly under scrutiny. The difference is clear: healthy care asks, “How can I support you?” while control insists, “I know what’s best for you.”

This kind of behavior often starts small – frequent check-ins, unsolicited opinions about your friends, or comments on your clothing choices. Over time, these seemingly minor actions can escalate into strict rules, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

#1 – Gestures That Seem Loving or Protective

Controlling behavior often hides behind gestures that seem loving or protective. For instance, a partner demanding constant updates about your whereabouts might claim they’re just worried about you. But this can leave you feeling like you’re under surveillance, obligated to respond immediately. If you don’t reply fast enough, they might flood you with calls or texts, using anger or guilt to get their way.

One of my clients had an off again, on again relationship that made her feel horrible about herself. The key action of her lover – he would always appear when she was struggling with something. He would come in, help her, get her back on the line and then leave again. This behavior might have looked like love but it was control.

#2 – Controlling Media Use

Digital control is another red flag. Insisting on access to your phone, demanding passwords, or requiring read receipts can quickly cross boundaries. In a healthy relationship, privacy – both online and offline – is respected. Sharing access should be a mutual choice, not a test of loyalty.

#3 – Isolating

Isolation is another tactic. A controlling partner might label your friends or family as “toxic” or “bad influences”, pressuring you to spend less time with them. They may insist on approving who you see, stir up conflict when you make plans without them, or display extreme jealousy when you’re with others. Over time, this can chip away at your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.

Many of my clients reach out to me in the first place because they find that they have no one to talk to about their relationship. Whereas before they had a strong social group, over time they have dropped those friends, choosing to focus on their relationship instead. While they might think that this was their idea but, from my experience, it is usually his.

#4 – Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Guilt-tripping might sound like, “After all I do for you, you still choose them over me?” or “You’re making me act this way.” This shifts blame onto you, making you responsible for their actions. They might also resort to fear or threats – hinting at self-harm, threatening to leave, or even saying they’ll expose private information if you don’t comply. In these situations, affection and attention are often given conditionally, based on whether you meet their demands.

#5 – Overprotection

Some controlling behaviors are disguised as care. For example, “protective” jealousy might involve questioning your clothing, your social life, or your friendships under the pretense of keeping you safe. In reality, these actions limit your independence and self-expression. Financial control is another tactic: managing all the money, questioning your spending, or discouraging you from working might be framed as “I’ll take care of you,” but it leaves you dependent and powerless. Unfortunately, U.S. media sometimes romanticizes jealousy or equates “taking charge” with love, making it harder to recognize when these behaviors are harmful instead of supportive.

Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior: Side-by-Side Comparison

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

When you compare them directly, the contrast between healthy love and controlling behavior becomes crystal clear. Healthy love encourages independence and personal growth, while controlling behavior limits choices and freedom. [1]

The key difference lies in intent. Healthy love is built on mutual respect and a shared desire for both partners to flourish. On the other hand, controlling behavior stems from insecurity, fear, or a need for power. Even when disguised as “concern”, control often prioritizes one partner’s comfort over the other’s autonomy. [2]

In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, appreciated, and free to be yourself. Disagreements are handled with care, and you don’t fear punishment. [1] In contrast, controlling relationships create a tense environment. You might feel anxious, trapped, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions to avoid conflict. [2] A simple gut-check can help: Do I feel safe and free, or do I feel trapped and isolated?

Comparison Table: Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior

Here’s a breakdown of the key differences:

Aspect Healthy Love Controlling Behavior
Core Intention Care, respect, and mutual growth [1] Power, fear, and control [3]
Personal Freedom Encourages independence, separate interests, and friendships [1] Limits activities, contacts, and choices [3]
Boundaries vs. Rules Establishes personal boundaries with “I” statements [1] Imposes rules with demands or threats [3]
Communication Promotes open, honest dialogue and negotiation [1] Relies on criticism, interrogation, and ultimatums [3]
Trust & Privacy Respects privacy and trusts without constant monitoring [1] Demands passwords, checks devices, and seeks constant updates [3]
Emotional Climate Creates a safe, supportive space where you feel valued [1] Generates anxiety and a sense of walking on eggshells [3]
Power Dynamic Shares decision-making and responsibilities equally [1] One partner dominates and overrules the other [3]
Long-Term Effects Builds self-esteem, trust, and resilience [1] Diminishes confidence, autonomy, and can escalate to abuse [3]

The difference in language is telling. Healthy love asks, “How can we both feel respected and safe?” Controlling behavior demands, “Share your location at all times, or I’ll assume the worst.”

So How Can You Tell if Your Relationship is a Healthy One?

I always tell my clients that the ultimate test of whether or not their partner loves them or controls them is to pay attention to their body. The body, and the gut, never lie!

Supportive relationships provide a sense of security that can lower stress levels, improve focus, and strengthen your ability to handle life’s challenges. When you feel safe and valued, it becomes easier to concentrate at work or school, show patience with others, and tackle obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

A partner who genuinely supports you also contributes to building your self-esteem. Encouragement that recognizes your worth and respects your boundaries can help you feel more confident and independent. Over time, this leads to a growing trust in your own abilities. You may find yourself more open to trying new experiences, standing up for what you need, and even walking away from situations that don’t align with your well-being.

In fact, research highlights the power of strong social connections, showing they can boost survival rates by 50%. This underscores just how much healthy love can positively shape your life.

While healthy love uplifts, controlling behavior does the opposite, chipping away at your mental health. In a controlling relationship, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words and actions to avoid conflict. This heightened state of vigilance can lead to chronic stress, which, over time, increases the risk of anxiety disorders and depression.

Controlling partners often use criticism and isolation to undermine your confidence and limit your world. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might be sacrificed just to maintain peace, leaving you feeling increasingly confined. When your partner dictates who you can see or how you communicate, it cuts you off from the support systems that help you manage stress and affirm your self-worth. Without these connections, negative thoughts can spiral unchecked, and challenges may feel impossible to overcome. Leaving the relationship can seem like an insurmountable task.

In more extreme cases, especially when emotional or psychological abuse is involved, the effects can feel similar to trauma. You might experience symptoms like hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting others – even after the relationship ends.

If you’re feeling heightened anxiety, struggling to sleep, or noticing that you’re losing your sense of self within your relationship, these are red flags that your mental health may be at risk. It’s essential to take action. Consider reaching out to a therapist or relationship coach for guidance.

So, What to Do Next..

Now that you’ve explored the differences between healthy love and controlling behavior, it’s time to think about your next steps.

If something in this article resonated deeply or made you pause, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself questions like: “Do I feel safe, respected, and free in my relationship?” or “Do I often feel anxious, monitored, or like I’m always in the wrong?” Trust your instincts here. Reflect on recent moments where you felt either supported or controlled. This kind of self-reflection can help you identify whether you’re dealing with a temporary rough patch or a more harmful, ongoing pattern.

If you’re noticing signs of control but don’t feel ready to confront your partner or make big changes, start by reconnecting with your support network. Spend time with friends and family to regain some independence, and be cautious about sharing personal details while you assess your relationship. Even small steps – like taking a walk alone, meeting a friend for coffee, or joining an online community – can help you test the waters and build confidence. These actions may also reveal how your partner reacts, giving you valuable insights as you plan your next move.

Take these steps at your own pace. Every small action you take brings clarity and builds the confidence to move forward.

Healthy love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and freedom, while controlling behavior is rooted in power and fear.

In a healthy relationship, you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself. You can maintain your friendships and personal identity without fear of judgment or interference. On the other hand, controlling relationships can leave you feeling anxious, monitored, and confined under the guise of concern, with phrases like “I just care about you” or “I’m only trying to protect you.”

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and free in this relationship, or do I feel trapped and monitored?” and “Am I able to make my own choices without fear of backlash?” Honest answers to these questions can help you trust your instincts and identify red flags. Remember, love should be built on mutual respect and freedom – it should expand your world, not shrink it.

You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself. No relationship should make you feel small, guilty, or afraid.

With this understanding, take small but meaningful steps toward relationships that are defined by care, respect, and trust. Each action you take moves you closer to the love and freedom you deserve.

How to Heal From Resentment After Letting Go of a Married Man

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The pain that one feels after a breakup is always intense. And it is the thing that most people focus on as they try to heal. After all, if they can stop feeling the pain, won’t they be able to move on?

Theoretically.

One feeling that doesn’t get much press after a breakup is resentment – that bitter indignation one feels after being treated badly. I find that for women, especially those involved with a married man, resentment is the feeling that they struggle with, much more than the pain that they focus on.

Resentment can feel like a heavy emotional burden, keeping you trapped in past pain and affecting your mental and physical health. It can lead to stress, damaged relationships, and even physical symptoms like fatigue or headaches. Letting go of resentment isn’t about excusing what happened – it’s about freeing yourself.

There are a number of steps that one can take to heal emotional wounds caused by resentment. Let me share them now.

#1 – Understand What Resentment Looks Like

Resentment is that lingering bitterness you feel when unresolved conflicts, perceived mistreatment, or injustices stick with you long after the initial event. It’s not just a surface-level emotion – it often stems from deeper feelings like hurt, fear, or vulnerability that haven’t been addressed. For example, if someone breaks a promise or treats you unfairly, your first reaction might be anger or sadness. But if those emotions aren’t dealt with, they can harden into resentment over time.

Common triggers for resentment include betrayal, broken promises, unfair treatment, repeated criticism, or feeling ignored. Essentially, it’s rooted in situations where you feel powerless or wronged. Many people hold onto anger, believing it will protect them from future pain, but this often backfires, leading to even more emotional suffering.

For many of my clients, particularly those who are dealing with a married man who won’t leave his wife but who also won’t let her go, their resentment is intense. They feel like they have been deceived and it doesn’t feel good at all.

What makes resentment particularly damaging is its connection to perceived injustice and the subtle, often unconscious desire for retribution. This can lead to constant rumination, difficulty focusing, and strained relationships. Understanding these underlying traits is a critical first step in recognizing how resentment can quietly disrupt your well-being.

#2 – Identify How Resentment Harms Your Health

The toll resentment takes isn’t just emotional – it can also impact your physical health. Holding onto bitterness keeps your body in a state of constant stress. A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine revealed that people experiencing higher levels of resentment reported more physical symptoms and reduced overall well-being.

When resentment lingers, it triggers chronic stress responses, raising cortisol levels. This can lead to headaches, chronic pain, digestive issues, fatigue, and a weakened immune system. On top of that, it fuels anxiety, depression, and negative thought patterns, leaving you emotionally drained. Instead of moving forward, you might find yourself stuck replaying past hurts, unable to enjoy the present.

I have a client who, after four years involved with a married man, was rushed to the hospital and had 11 feet of her intestines removed. It was after that that she reached out to me because she knew that the anger and resentment that she was feeling because of his broken promises was killing her.

In relationships, resentment can be toxic. It erodes trust, creates emotional distance, and often leads to passive-aggressive behavior or frequent arguments. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or a family member, resentment can cause emotional withdrawal or overly critical behavior, setting off a cycle of misunderstandings and further pain.

If left unchecked, resentment can escalate into more harmful emotions like chronic anger or even hostility. The sad irony is that the person who suffers the most is often the one holding onto the resentment. It keeps you tied to the past, stuck in a loop of anger and pain, and prevents emotional healing.

3 Ways Resentments Hurt and How to Start Healing

#3 – Find the Root Causes of Your Resentment

Once you’ve recognized how resentment impacts your life, the next step is understanding where it comes from. You can’t address what you don’t acknowledge. To truly heal, it’s important to dig beneath the surface and identify the deeper pain fueling your resentment. Otherwise, you’re only addressing the symptoms while the real issue lingers, quietly affecting your well-being.

Resentment rarely appears out of thin air. It builds slowly, often rooted in unresolved emotions like hurt, anger, or frustration that have been managed through avoidance, denial, or blame. These coping mechanisms may offer short-term relief, but they don’t resolve the underlying pain, allowing resentment to grow and take a toll on your mental and physical health.

For my client, after losing her intestines, working with me allowed her to see the truth of her situation – that she thought that she loved this guy but that, really, she was addicted to him. This addiction, which she knew was bad for her, was making her resentful.

This process isn’t about dwelling on the past or assigning blame. It’s about gaining clarity. By identifying the events, behaviors, or circumstances that trigger your resentment, you take an important step toward letting it go and moving forward with purpose.

#4 – Identify Your Triggers

Understanding what stirs up resentment starts with self-reflection. It’s about connecting the dots between past experiences and present emotions. Ask yourself some honest questions: What situations make you feel bitter or angry? Are there specific people who seem to bring out these feelings? When did you first notice this resentment taking shape? Often, you’ll find that current frustrations are tied to older wounds that haven’t fully healed.

I know that for my client, when I asked her questions like these it gave her a lot of clarity. She was resentful that he didn’t tell her the truth that his son was engaged; that he showed up when he wanted to and then not when he didn’t; that he would be hot and cold to her at work; and that he insisted on sex when she didn’t want to. She resented all of that and had never seen it before!

A very helpful exercise for identifying your triggers is writing a letter to the person who hurt you. There’s no need to send it – this is just for you. The act of putting your emotions into words can be incredibly freeing, allowing you to process feelings you’ve been holding back.

Talking to someone you trust can also provide valuable insight. Whether it’s a close friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to share your feelings with can help you see things from a fresh perspective. They might even point out patterns or blind spots you hadn’t noticed. Therapy, in particular, can be incredibly helpful for exploring the deeper causes of resentment and learning how to manage it more effectively.

Pay attention to your body as well. Physical sensations like tension, headaches, or a tight chest when thinking about certain people or situations are often signs of unresolved resentment. Your body can be a powerful guide, revealing what your mind might be avoiding.

#5 – Accept and Validate Your Emotions

Once you’ve identified your triggers, the next step is accepting and validating your emotions. This means allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions – anger, sadness, disappointment – without judgment.

Ignoring or suppressing these feelings won’t make them disappear. Instead, they often resurface in unhealthy ways, influencing your relationships and behavior. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step toward releasing them and finding peace.

Validation involves recognizing that your emotions are legitimate responses to what you’ve experienced. You’re not being “too sensitive” or “dramatic” for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged.

Self-compassion is crucial during this process. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend who is struggling. When self-critical thoughts like “I should be over this by now” or “Why am I letting this get to me?” arise, pause and reframe them. Remind yourself that healing takes time and that it’s okay to feel hurt.

So, how do you let go of resentment?

Now that you’ve pinpointed your triggers and acknowledged your emotions, it’s time to take active steps toward letting go of resentment. This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel better instantly or pretending the pain never existed. Instead, it’s about learning ways to process your emotions in a healthier manner and gradually easing their hold on your life. Different methods work for different people, so it’s important to find what resonates with you. The key is consistency and a willingness to engage, even when it feels challenging. Let’s dive into some therapeutic approaches that can help reshape harmful thought patterns.

#1 – Work With a Professional to Let Go of Negative Thoughts

Professional therapy provides powerful tools to address resentment at its core. These techniques build on your understanding of what fuels your resentment and offer practical strategies to shift your mindset.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is highly effective for addressing resentment. This approach helps you identify and reframe negative thought patterns, enabling you to view situations from a new perspective and reduce the emotional pain tied to resentment [1]. In therapy, you’ll learn to challenge automatic assumptions and replace them with more balanced, constructive thoughts, which can help ease those intense feelings [1].

Another option is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which focuses on accepting your emotions rather than fighting them. ACT encourages you to acknowledge resentment without letting it dictate your behavior, helping you align your actions with your personal values and goals [6]. Similarly, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) combines mindfulness with techniques for managing emotions, tolerating distress, and improving interpersonal relationships, making it especially helpful for navigating intense emotional responses [6].

For resentment rooted in trauma, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) may be an effective choice. This therapy helps your brain process painful memories in a way that reduces their emotional intensity, offering relief from lingering resentment [8].

If a therapist isn’t the right thing for you, consider reaching out to a life coach (like me!). Life coaches can help you build a life while managing pain and resentment. Either way find the approach that best suits your unique needs.

#2 – Practice Self-Compassion and Empathy

Self-compassion and empathy are powerful tools for softening resentment’s grip. When you treat yourself with patience, understanding, and forgiveness, you validate your pain without judgment and recognize that suffering is a shared human experience [2]. This practice can ease the self-criticism that often accompanies unresolved resentment.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I should be over this by now”, pause and replace that thought with kindness. Imagine what you’d say to comfort a close friend in your situation, and offer those same words to yourself. At the same time, empathy allows you to consider the perspective of the person who hurt you – not to excuse their behavior, but to understand the struggles or limitations that may have shaped their actions [5]. Research shows that taking another person’s perspective can help reduce anger and open the door to emotional healing [3].

#3 – Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is very important for maintaining your peace and preventing resentment from building. Start by identifying your personal limits – what behaviors are acceptable to you and what are not. Communicate these boundaries clearly using “I” statements, such as, “I need uninterrupted time to share my thoughts when we’re discussing something important” [4]. Enforcing these boundaries consistently – whether that means limiting contact or stepping away from harmful situations – helps protect you from ongoing hurt and resentment [4]. Balancing forgiveness with self-protection ensures you can let go of resentment while safeguarding your emotional well-being [7].

Healing from the grip of resentment is a journey that calls for patience, self-awareness, and steady effort.

Along the way, you’ve discovered that facing your pain head-on, rather than burying it, is the cornerstone of recovery. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens in an instant – it’s a process, one that may require revisiting old wounds as part of moving forward.

Progress isn’t always a straight line. There will be setbacks, but each one is an opportunity to grow. What matters most is how you respond – with self-awareness, kindness toward yourself, and a determination to keep going. Signs of healing might include feeling less anxious about past hurts, enjoying better sleep, improving your physical health, strengthening your relationships, and finding a renewed sense of purpose.

You have the ability to heal and reshape your relationship with resentment. By acknowledging your pain, seeking help, and committing to these practices, you’re demonstrating strength and self-awareness. Taking responsibility for your healing is an act of courage, one that paves the way for emotional well-being and happiness. Every step you take toward forgiveness is a step toward freedom. Celebrate your progress and keep applying these strategies to create a life filled with peace and fulfillment.

How Couples Can Best Communicate During Times of Stress

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Be honest – is there any time of the year that is more stressful than the holiday season? I know for me there is none. And, when things get stressful, the first thing that seems to suffer is communication with my husband!

And, here is the thing – when stress takes over, communication often breaks down. Stress triggers biological responses that make it harder to listen, empathize, and respond thoughtfully. This can lead to arguments, hurt feelings, and misunderstandings. But there are ways to manage this.

Let me share some now!

How Couples Can Handle Stress Without Falling Apart | Relationship Advice from the Experts

Build Good Communication Habits Before Stress Happens

The key to managing stress during the holidays starts way before the holidays. Learning how to communication effectively is a muscle that must be exercised regularly, just like one does by going to the gym. Establishing strong communication habits now can help guide you when stress inevitably arises. Research shows that couples who regularly discuss stress report greater satisfaction in their relationships. [2][3][7]

So, what kind of steps can couples take to build that communication muscle?

#1 – Create Shared Goals and Think Like a Team

Remember! To make change, BOTH members of a couple must be all in. If you are hoping to change your dynamic with your partner without their buy in, you will fail.

Adopting a team mindset can fundamentally change how you handle challenges together. Take some time to sit down and discuss how you want to support each other when life gets tough. Ask yourselves, “When stress hits, what kind of team do we want to be?”

From this discussion, come up with a few ideas about how you can approach challenges. These could include commitments like, “We’ll talk about major stressors at least once a week,” or “We’ll approach financial issues as a shared challenge, not an individual burden.” Writing these goals down makes them easier to stick to during tough times. [1][2][3]

Pay close attention to the language you use every day. Studies suggest that couples with a higher ratio of positive to negative interactions – around 5:1 – are more likely to stay together and feel satisfied, even during stressful periods. [5][10] Instead of blame-focused phrases like, “You never help when I’m tired,” try a team-oriented approach: “We’re both exhausted; how can we handle this evening together?” Similarly, replace, “You made us late again,” with, “We’re running late; what can we both do differently next time?” [1][2][10]

This isn’t about avoiding accountability – it’s about framing challenges as something you tackle together. Using “we” language reinforces the idea that stress is a shared experience, not a personal failing.

#2 – Set Clear Communication Rules

Without clear guidelines, difficult conversations can spiral out of control. Establishing communication rules during calm moments can create a sense of emotional safety, making it easier to open up when stress levels are high. [3][4]

A key part of establishing rules is by choosing a time when you’re both relaxed to discuss this. Trying to figure out how to communicate in the middle of a heated fight will get you nowhere. The goal isn’t to critique past communication but to set guidelines that foster respect and understanding in the future. Each partner can share behaviors they find hurtful and those they find supportive. [3][4][8]

It is essential that, once you know how you might approach this as a team, set make agreements for what will be taboo during stressful conversations. Examples might include:

  • No-go behaviors: Avoid name-calling, yelling, slamming doors, dredging up old conflicts, or criticizing character (e.g., “You’re selfish” instead of addressing specific actions).
  • Preferred behaviors: Use “I feel…” statements instead of “You always…,” take turns speaking without interrupting, validate each other’s feelings even when you disagree, ask before offering solutions (e.g., “Do you want advice or just for me to listen?”), and take breaks if emotions start to escalate. [4][7][6]

Keep these agreements somewhere private but accessible – on your phone, in a shared note, or written down in your bedroom. Reviewing them before tough conversations or after arguments can help you both adjust and refine what works best. [8][9]

#3 – Learn How Each Partner Responds to Stress

Everyone reacts to stress differently. One person may withdraw and go quiet, while the other might talk more or jump straight into problem-solving. I know that in my marriage, my husband disappears into the barn when we are struggling while I want to address things head on. Understanding these patterns have helped us tailor our approach during tense moments, keeping communication open and supportive.

Start by identifying your physical and emotional signs of stress. Do you notice a racing heart, a quick temper, or a tendency to shut down? Or do you immediately try to fix the problem? A meta-analysis of 43 studies found that couples who engage in effective joint coping report higher relationship satisfaction and personal well-being. [2]

Discuss these stress responses when you having a drink or going for a walk. Don’t discuss them when you are angry! Ask your partner questions like, “What works for you when we are in conflict?” or “What could I do better/differently when we are in conflict?” [2][8]

If couples can share with each other not only how they respond to stress and why, but also what they need to manage that stress in the moment, they will go a long way to having more effective stress resolution when it arises.

How to Communicate During Stressful Moments

No matter how prepared you are, stressful moments are bound to happen. When they do, having a clear approach can keep minor disagreements from spiraling into major conflicts. Stress often triggers a fight-or-flight response, so it’s crucial to pause, gather your thoughts, and approach the conversation with intention rather than reacting impulsively.

#1 – Calm Yourself Down Before You Talk

Before diving into a tough conversation, pay attention to your body. Is your heart racing? Are your muscles tense? These are signs that you might be too worked up to communicate effectively. [4] [9] Early on in our relationship I learned that my husband’s mind goes completely blank when a stressful conversation starts. Knowing this helped me understand why he couldn’t respond to my words.

Instead of forcing the conversation, take a moment to reset. Do what you need to do to calm yourself down. Perhaps its deep breathing, perhaps going for a walk. Whatever works for you in the moment. These things can trigger your parasympathetic nervous system, helping you feel calmer [9].

If emotions are running high, many couples counselors suggest taking a brief break – around 20 to 30 minutes. The key is to agree on a specific time to return to the discussion, so the pause feels like a shared strategy rather than avoidance. [4] [9] During this time, focus on calming yourself rather than rehearsing your arguments.

You might also establish a pre-agreed signal or phrase, like “I need a quick break” or “Can we pause for 20 minutes?” This gives either partner a way to step back without escalating the situation further. [4]

Once you’ve taken the time to ground yourself, you’ll be better prepared to start the conversation.

#2 – Don’t Put Your Partner on the Defensive

When you’re ready to talk, begin with a tone that promotes openness. Research shows that starting with “I” statements can reduce defensiveness [5].

Avoid harsh openers that include criticism or accusations, like “You never listen to me” or “You always do this.” These phrases put the other person on the defensive and make it harder to resolve the issue. [4] [6] Instead, use language that invites collaboration. For example, you could say, “I feel overwhelmed and could really use your support tonight. Can we talk about it together?” [4] [5]

Here are some other examples of non-offensive openers:

  • “I’m not upset with you; I’m feeling stressed and would like us to figure this out together.”
  • “Is now a good time to talk about something that’s been on my mind?”
  • “I know you’ve been working hard, and I appreciate that. I also need to talk about how we’re handling our evenings right now.” [5] [8]

Starting with appreciation makes your partner feel valued rather than criticized. [6]

#3- Take Turns Talking and Listening

Even with a non-aggressive start, emotions can run high, and conversations can easily spiral into interruptions or talking over each other. To keep things productive, try taking turns: one person speaks for a few minutes while the other listens, then switch roles. [3] [6]

The speaker should focus on sharing feelings and concerns using “I” statements and specific examples. Meanwhile, the listener should practice active listening by giving their full attention, maintaining eye contact, and acknowledging what’s being said with phrases like “I hear you.” [1] [4]

After the speaker finishes, the listener can paraphrase what they heard to confirm understanding. For example:

“So you’re feeling frustrated because you’ve been handling bedtime alone most nights, and you’d like more support in the evenings. Did I get that right?” [1] [3] [5]

Once the speaker feels understood, switch roles. This approach can prevent misunderstandings and help both partners feel validated, even during tense moments. [3] [8]

Before offering solutions, ask your partner what they need: “Do you want me to help problem-solve, or do you mostly need me to listen right now?” [2] [5]Validating phrases like “That sounds really hard”, “I understand why you feel that way”, or “It makes sense that you’re stressed” can also help your partner feel heard. [5] [6]

#4 – Work Together to Figure out What Works Best

Once both partners feel heard, shift the focus to finding solutions together. There is no manual about communication – each person has their own way to manage stress. Jumping straight into problem-solving without this step can leave one or both partners feeling dismissed.

Again, don’t be aggressive. Frame the issue as a shared challenge instead of pointing fingers. For example, instead of saying, “You’re never home to help”, try, “We’re both exhausted, and our evenings feel stressful. Can we look at our schedules and figure out how to share things differently?” [1] [5] Try to keep the discussion focused on the specific issue – whether it’s chores, finances, or parenting – not personal shortcomings.

Ask solution-oriented questions like, “What small change could make this easier for both of us this week?” [4] [8] It’s also important to clarify what type of support your partner needs. Sometimes they may need emotional reassurance before they’re ready to brainstorm solutions, while other times they may want immediate help. Clarifying this can prevent miscommunication.

When you’re ready to problem-solve, take it step by step: define the problem, brainstorm ideas without judgment, weigh the options, choose a plan, and decide when to check in on progress .[2] [4]

For one of my clients, the worst part of her marriage is that he partner comes home drained after a long commute. I suggested that, instead of snapping at each him, she might say, “Did you have a rough daywork today? Lets sit for 10 minutes so you can decompress before we talk about dinner or the kids?” Once this happens, she can listen to what happened in his day, helping releave his stress. I knew this approach might not appeal to her because she didn’t want to baby her husband but she tried it and it worked!

What to Do When Conversations Get Heated

Some conversations can escalate in the blink of an eye. When stress takes over, it often triggers a fight-or-flight response, making it essential to de-escalate quickly. Learning to spot the signs of rising tension and knowing how to respond can help protect your relationship from unnecessary harm.

#1 – Notice the Warning Signs Early

In the heat of the moment, its really easy to miss the fact that your emotions are getting elevated. Paying attention to your body often gives you clues that you’re overwhelmed before your mind fully catches on. These physical signs might include a racing heart, tightness in your chest, clenched fists or jaw, shallow breathing, or even a sudden rush of energy or warmth. [9]These are indications that your nervous system has shifted into fight-or-flight mode.

Behavioral changes are another red flag. Interrupting, raising your voice, bringing up old arguments, rolling your eyes, or withdrawing completely can all signal that the conversation is heading in a harmful direction. [3][4]

If you can notice these warning signs before things get bad, you might be able to calm down and keep the conversation productive.

#2 – Be Careful What You Say and How You Say It

The right words at the right time can shift a tense conversation from conflict to cooperation. Try phrases like, “We’re a team; let’s slow down”, to reframe the discussion. [3][4][5][8].If you’re feeling overwhelmed, set a boundary by saying, “I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I don’t want to say something hurtful – can we pause for a moment?” or “I want to understand you better; could you repeat that more slowly?” [3][4][8] Brief validations, such as “I understand”, can also help ease tension. [5][6]

Your tone and body language matter just as much as your words. Speak slowly, lower your voice, and turn slightly toward your partner. Uncross your arms, and offer gentle eye contact – these small gestures show engagement without coming across as confrontational. [1][8] If you catch yourself using a sharp tone or notice signs of contempt like eye-rolling, pause and reset by saying something like, “Let me try that again in a kinder way” [3][2] Reinforcing the idea that managing stress is a shared effort can go a long way.

#3 – Take a Break With a Plan To Reconnect

When the situation feels too intense, a structured break can help both partners regain their composure. Taking a time-out is a deliberate way to step back and return to the conversation with a clearer mind. This is especially helpful if you or your partner feel emotionally flooded, notice your heart racing, or find the discussion going in frustrating circles. [3][4][9]

A time-out works best when it’s structured. Set clear limits, define the purpose, and agree on a time to reconnect. Setting a specific time to check in – like “Let’s talk again at 8:00 p.m.” – can make the break feel safe rather than like abandonment. [3][2]

During the pause, focus on calming yourself. Avoid replaying the argument in your head or planning counterpoints. Instead, try deep breathing, taking a short walk, or doing some light stretching. [1][9] Steer clear of reactive behaviors like sending angry texts, slamming doors, or involving others, as these actions can escalate stress.

When you reconnect, start with a simple acknowledgment or repair attempt. For example, say, “Thanks for taking a break with me”, or “I’m sorry for raising my voice earlier” [4][8]. Then, take turns sharing your feelings using “I” statements while the other person listens actively. For instance, you might say, “I felt overwhelmed and alone earlier”, which can pave the way for discussing concrete changes to improve future conversations. [1][3][6]

I know it might seem impossible but you can start improving your communication today.

The key to success is to start small. Focus on one habit at a time, like checking in about what your partner needs in a stressful moment or how to use non-escalating language. These simple steps can help you stay connected even when life feels overwhelming.

It is also important to remember that you are in this as a team. No change can happen if only one person is interested in making it happen. To that end, keep the conversation about how to communicate better outside of a stressful situation going by practicing EVERY DAY how you would want to be treated and how your partner says they would like to be treated.

That way, when the moment comes where emotions get escalated, you will both have the skills that you need to move through the moment and come out the other side with your relationship intact.

I know that it seems daunting but, if this is important to you and your partner, you 100% can do it.

7 Ways to Practice Forgiveness And Keep Your Relationship Strong

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Forgiving is not about forgetting. It isn’t about excusing harm. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment so that you can heal and strengthen your relationship.

Forgiving can be REALLY hard to do!

Research shows that forgiving can improve emotional and physical health, can help rebuild trust, and, most importantly, can foster deeper connections.

Forgiving someone isn’t always easy – it is a process that takes time and effort, but it is essential for personal peace and healthier relationships. The key is to take small, consistent steps, ones that prioritize your well-being.

Let me share seven actionable steps to help you move forward and forgive.

Forgiveness – How to Release & Let Go

#1 – Identify Your Pain

Before forgiveness can even begin, it’s essential to face the situation and your emotions head-on. This doesn’t mean dwelling endlessly on the pain – it’s about recognizing what you’re feeling and why. Holding onto emotions like anger, resentment, or hurt takes a toll, both mentally and physically. Studies show that suppressing these feelings can lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and even depression[1]. Ignored emotions don’t disappear; they tend to grow, fueling further conflict and making forgiveness harder to achieve.[7]

Start by identifying your emotions around the event. Are you feeling betrayed? Angry? Disappointed?

Be specific. Instead of saying, “I’m upset,” you might say, “I felt deeply betrayed and incredibly alone when this happened.”[2] This kind of clarity helps you fully grasp the impact of the situation.

Be specific about what caused your pain. Instead of assigning blame, focus on expressing the details of your hurt. This approach can prevent negative emotions from festering. Research by John Gottman highlights how clear, honest communication about emotional pain can break down barriers and strengthen connections.[7]

Openly sharing your pain with the person who hurt you is a crucial step. Explain exactly how their actions hurt you and give them the opportunity to listen with empathy.[2] Feeling truly heard can create a foundation for moving forward together.

Don’t forget to show yourself some kindness as well. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and remind yourself that they won’t last forever. Self-compassion is a key part of emotional healing and allows you to move toward forgiveness at your own pace[5].

#2 – Embrace Empathy and Manage Perspectives

This next step is a tough one and takes a lot of practice – trying to understand the other person’s perspective – without justifying harmful behavior. Empathy is about stepping into their shoes, considering their motivations, and seeing the situation through their eyes. This shift can help ease feelings of resentment and create the mental space needed for forgiveness to grow.

Studies show that couples who genuinely try to understand each other’s feelings are better able to process and move past negative experiences, ultimately strengthening their bond. Research from the Stanford Forgiveness Project also highlights that forgiveness improves both physical and emotional health, with perspective-taking playing a key role in that process [2][7].

Ask yourself: What might have led them to act this way? Were they under intense work pressure, dealing with family struggles, or wrestling with personal insecurities or past trauma? Imagine how you might have responded if faced with similar circumstances.

Next, visualize their best self. Try to picture your person at their best – free from pain, stress, or insecurity. This doesn’t erase what happened, but it can help you separate their actions from who they are as a whole. Shifting your focus in this way can make it easier to release lingering resentment.

Active listening is also crucial. Give your person the chance to share their perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive. Forgiveness often requires mutual effort, and understanding each other’s viewpoints can be a vital part of that process.

Again, this takes a ton of work but you can do it! I know that it took me years to understand my ex-husband’s perspectives on our marriage and that, once I did, it made forgiving him and moving on much easier.

#3 – Connect with What is Good in Your Relationship

When you’re dealing with emotional pain, it’s natural to fixate on what went wrong – replaying the hurt over and over. But forgiveness requires a broader perspective, one that doesn’t just dwell on the harm but also acknowledges the meaningful and positive aspects of your connection.

Studies have shown that by consciously focusing on your partner’s positive traits, you can make forgiveness feel more attainable[6]. This doesn’t mean ignoring the pain; rather, it’s about expanding your view to include both the hurt and the good. This kind of connection helps you build you create a more balanced perspective, opening the door to healing.

Take a moment to think about your partner’s positive qualities. What made you fall for them in the first place? Maybe it’s their sense of humor that lightens tough situations, their unwavering support when you’ve needed it most, or their genuine efforts to grow as a person. Reflect on shared moments of joy, the ways they’ve enriched your life, or the times they’ve stood by you. These qualities don’t disappear because of a mistake – they can exist alongside the hurt.

When you catch yourself stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, try pausing to ask: What else is true about this person? What moments of kindness, connection, or support can I remember? This isn’t about dismissing your pain – it’s about not letting the hurt overshadow everything else. By balancing the pain with the positive, you take control of where your energy and attention go, rather than letting the transgression dominate your thoughts.

#4 – Make a Conscious Decision to Forgive

Choosing to forgive is more than just saying the words “I forgive you.” It’s about making a deliberate decision to shift how you see the person who hurt you and committing to the emotional work that follows.

Forgiveness is an active process, not a one-time event. It involves intentionally letting go of feelings like anger, resentment, and hostility while moving toward healing. Studies show that this choice triggers what experts call a “transformation of motivation”, helping you shift from negative emotions toward a more neutral or even compassionate outlook[8].

This decision is the cornerstone of forgiveness. Without it, the process of healing can’t truly begin[2]. Think of it as drawing a line in the sand – you’re declaring your readiness to release the weight of resentment, even though the path forward may be challenging. This decision is what allows you to manage and process the emotions that will inevitably resurface along the way.

It’s important to note that forgiving doesn’t mean the pain will vanish instantly. Research has shown that sustained forgiveness can reduce anger, stress, and anxiety while improving your overall well-being[6]. These benefits take time to build, growing stronger as you stay committed to the process.

Think of forgiveness as a skill you can strengthen over time. Start by forgiving smaller offenses – like an unkind remark or a minor disappointment – before tackling deeper wounds. This gradual approach helps you build your “forgiveness muscle”, making it easier to navigate more significant conflicts later on[6]. Each act of forgiveness reinforces your commitment and prepares you for future challenges, building on the self-reflection you’ve already practiced.

#5 – Stop Dwelling on Past Wrongs

Once you’ve decided to forgive, it’s time to stop letting past wrongs dominate your present. Forgiveness is a conscious choice, but the harder part is breaking free from the cycle of rumination, replaying the hurt over and over in your head. This habit is one of the biggest obstacles to emotional healing and forgiveness[6]. Instead of helping you process the pain, rumination keeps negative emotions alive, fueling anger and resentment.

Every time you revisit the offense in your mind, you’re giving that person and that moment power over your present thoughts and emotions. Dr. John Gottman highlights how holding onto negative emotions drains energy and weakens connections[2]. Beyond emotional exhaustion, research shows that rumination increases anxiety, stress, and hostility, and it’s also linked to symptoms of depression[3].

There are a few tools at hand to stop this destructive cycle. One way to stop the negative thoughts cycle is to consciously redirect your attention. Activities that demand your full attention, like exercising, diving into a creative project, or having a meaningful conversation, can naturally pull you out of the mental loop and anchor you in the present.

Another way is by writing down your thoughts. Doing so gets them out of your head, giving you clarity and making it easier to let go[3].

Another helpful approach is to reframe your perspective. Try to imagine the person who hurt you at their best, focusing on their potential for growth and goodness[5]. This doesn’t excuse their behavior or mean you should lower your boundaries, but it can help soften the grip of negative emotions.

#6 – Take Stock of Your Healing Process

Dealing with the pain of betrayal or hurt can feel overwhelming, with emotions often shifting from one moment to the next. Keeping a written account of your journey can make a big difference. Instead of allowing all of your emotions to keep swirling around in your head, causing damage, writing things down can help you sort through your feelings and take steps toward healing. Studies have shown that writing about emotions and experiences can lower stress and anxiety, while meditation helps calm the mind and process tough emotions[3].

Capturing your feelings on paper allows you to dig deeper into what’s troubling you. When writing about a conflict or betrayal, consider asking yourself questions like: What exactly hurt me? Does this remind me of something from my past? What am I afraid will happen if I forgive? How has holding onto this pain affected me? What do I need to feel closure?

Start by writing freely – don’t worry about structure or grammar. Let your emotions, whether they’re anger, sadness, or frustration, pour onto the page. Once you’ve expressed yourself, use the prompts above to guide deeper reflection. For instance, try listing three specific ways negative emotions have impacted your relationships[7]. You might realize you’ve become distant or overly critical in other areas of your life. Seeing these patterns written out can make them easier to address.

What matters most is consistency. Just 10 to 15 minutes a day of this kind of journaling can create meaningful shifts over time. The key is to make it a regular habit rather than something you only turn to in moments of distress. You can tie it to an existing routine, like journaling after your morning coffee, to help you stick with it.

As you continue, take time to review your written entries every so often. Date your entries and look for patterns in your thoughts and reactions. You might notice that certain situations trigger old feelings or that your perspective has changed significantly. Seeing this progress can be incredibly motivating, especially on days when forgiveness feels out of reach.

#7 – Reach Out for Support

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, especially when emotions like anger, resentment, and pain feel overwhelming. If you’re finding it hard to move forward in your relationship, there are a number of resources available to help you process your pain, access forgiveness and let go of the pain.

Of course, friends and family are an excellent means of support. Spending time with people who love you can make you feel supported and give you strength to do the hard work that needs to be done to forgive. That being said, friends and family are not impartial and, while they might help you feel better in the moment, they might not help big picture.

Support groups are also an excellent source of education and support. Sharing space with people struggling with forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing.

Therapists, counselors, or relationship coaches (like me!) can also offer a safe space to unpack these feelings and help you navigate the path toward healing. Their expertise can complement the strategies you’re already working on, making your forgiveness journey more manageable.

When seeking help, look for professionals with credentials in relationship work to ensure their expertise aligns with your goals. For instance, I offer a variety of resources to help with your healing, including coaching sessions, a 4-week course designed to help you move on from heartbreak, and a free e-book on overcoming relationship challenges. One client shared their experience:

“From our very first session to now (3 months in), I’ve always left feeling a greater sense of empowerment and energy to tackle the challenges we outlined together. Every time we talk, I see myself accomplishing goals that I had previously believed were out of reach…” – Client of Let Your Dreams Begin

It’s important to find the right fit for your needs. Therapists and counselors typically rely on well-researched techniques, while coaches may take a more tailored and goal-oriented approach. Research from the Stanford Forgiveness Project even highlights how professional support not only aids forgiveness but can also improve your overall emotional and physical health [2].

Forgiveness takes dedication, practice, and patience[3].

The seven methods outlined work together to help release resentment and encourage healing. Each step supports the next: being honest about your emotions can make empathy easier, and practicing gratitude often paves the way for a genuine decision to forgive. This process is backed by research, showing that every step contributes to emotional and physical well-being.

The benefits of forgiveness reach beyond personal healing – they can transform relationships. Forgiveness builds trust and intimacy, helping couples move past conflicts and create stronger, more resilient bonds[1]. It also encourages self-regulation, reducing harmful conflict dynamics and promoting healthier behaviors. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that holding onto negative emotions drains energy and harms relationships, making forgiveness a key factor for couples aiming to build a positive future[2].

Forgiveness requires strength and courage, and its greatest gift is often to yourself. It frees you from the grip of resentment and lets you reclaim control over your life[3]. By letting go, you create space for stronger, healthier relationships.

Start where you are. If you’re just beginning, focus on recognizing and validating your emotions. If you’re further along, work on making the conscious choice to forgive or breaking the habit of reliving past wrongs. You don’t need to tackle all seven practices at once – choose one or two that feel most relevant to your situation. By committing to forgiveness, you’re prioritizing your own peace, freedom, and the health of your relationships. While the road may be challenging, the rewards of personal growth and deeper connections make it worth every step.

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