Forgiving is not about forgetting. It isn’t about excusing harm. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment so that you can heal and strengthen your relationship.
Forgiving can be REALLY hard to do!
Research shows that forgiving can improve emotional and physical health, can help rebuild trust, and, most importantly, can foster deeper connections.
Forgiving someone isn’t always easy – it is a process that takes time and effort, but it is essential for personal peace and healthier relationships. The key is to take small, consistent steps, ones that prioritize your well-being.
Let me share seven actionable steps to help you move forward and forgive.
Forgiveness – How to Release & Let Go
#1 – Identify Your Pain
Before forgiveness can even begin, it’s essential to face the situation and your emotions head-on. This doesn’t mean dwelling endlessly on the pain – it’s about recognizing what you’re feeling and why. Holding onto emotions like anger, resentment, or hurt takes a toll, both mentally and physically. Studies show that suppressing these feelings can lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and even depression[1]. Ignored emotions don’t disappear; they tend to grow, fueling further conflict and making forgiveness harder to achieve.[7]
Start by identifying your emotions around the event. Are you feeling betrayed? Angry? Disappointed?
Be specific. Instead of saying, “I’m upset,” you might say, “I felt deeply betrayed and incredibly alone when this happened.”[2] This kind of clarity helps you fully grasp the impact of the situation.
Be specific about what caused your pain. Instead of assigning blame, focus on expressing the details of your hurt. This approach can prevent negative emotions from festering. Research by John Gottman highlights how clear, honest communication about emotional pain can break down barriers and strengthen connections.[7]
Openly sharing your pain with the person who hurt you is a crucial step. Explain exactly how their actions hurt you and give them the opportunity to listen with empathy.[2] Feeling truly heard can create a foundation for moving forward together.
Don’t forget to show yourself some kindness as well. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and remind yourself that they won’t last forever. Self-compassion is a key part of emotional healing and allows you to move toward forgiveness at your own pace[5].
#2 – Embrace Empathy and Manage Perspectives
This next step is a tough one and takes a lot of practice – trying to understand the other person’s perspective – without justifying harmful behavior. Empathy is about stepping into their shoes, considering their motivations, and seeing the situation through their eyes. This shift can help ease feelings of resentment and create the mental space needed for forgiveness to grow.
Studies show that couples who genuinely try to understand each other’s feelings are better able to process and move past negative experiences, ultimately strengthening their bond. Research from the Stanford Forgiveness Project also highlights that forgiveness improves both physical and emotional health, with perspective-taking playing a key role in that process [2][7].
Ask yourself: What might have led them to act this way? Were they under intense work pressure, dealing with family struggles, or wrestling with personal insecurities or past trauma? Imagine how you might have responded if faced with similar circumstances.
Next, visualize their best self. Try to picture your person at their best – free from pain, stress, or insecurity. This doesn’t erase what happened, but it can help you separate their actions from who they are as a whole. Shifting your focus in this way can make it easier to release lingering resentment.
Active listening is also crucial. Give your person the chance to share their perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive. Forgiveness often requires mutual effort, and understanding each other’s viewpoints can be a vital part of that process.
Again, this takes a ton of work but you can do it! I know that it took me years to understand my ex-husband’s perspectives on our marriage and that, once I did, it made forgiving him and moving on much easier.
#3 – Connect with What is Good in Your Relationship
When you’re dealing with emotional pain, it’s natural to fixate on what went wrong – replaying the hurt over and over. But forgiveness requires a broader perspective, one that doesn’t just dwell on the harm but also acknowledges the meaningful and positive aspects of your connection.
Studies have shown that by consciously focusing on your partner’s positive traits, you can make forgiveness feel more attainable[6]. This doesn’t mean ignoring the pain; rather, it’s about expanding your view to include both the hurt and the good. This kind of connection helps you build you create a more balanced perspective, opening the door to healing.
Take a moment to think about your partner’s positive qualities. What made you fall for them in the first place? Maybe it’s their sense of humor that lightens tough situations, their unwavering support when you’ve needed it most, or their genuine efforts to grow as a person. Reflect on shared moments of joy, the ways they’ve enriched your life, or the times they’ve stood by you. These qualities don’t disappear because of a mistake – they can exist alongside the hurt.
When you catch yourself stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, try pausing to ask: What else is true about this person? What moments of kindness, connection, or support can I remember? This isn’t about dismissing your pain – it’s about not letting the hurt overshadow everything else. By balancing the pain with the positive, you take control of where your energy and attention go, rather than letting the transgression dominate your thoughts.
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#4 – Make a Conscious Decision to Forgive
Choosing to forgive is more than just saying the words “I forgive you.” It’s about making a deliberate decision to shift how you see the person who hurt you and committing to the emotional work that follows.
Forgiveness is an active process, not a one-time event. It involves intentionally letting go of feelings like anger, resentment, and hostility while moving toward healing. Studies show that this choice triggers what experts call a “transformation of motivation”, helping you shift from negative emotions toward a more neutral or even compassionate outlook[8].
This decision is the cornerstone of forgiveness. Without it, the process of healing can’t truly begin[2]. Think of it as drawing a line in the sand – you’re declaring your readiness to release the weight of resentment, even though the path forward may be challenging. This decision is what allows you to manage and process the emotions that will inevitably resurface along the way.
It’s important to note that forgiving doesn’t mean the pain will vanish instantly. Research has shown that sustained forgiveness can reduce anger, stress, and anxiety while improving your overall well-being[6]. These benefits take time to build, growing stronger as you stay committed to the process.
Think of forgiveness as a skill you can strengthen over time. Start by forgiving smaller offenses – like an unkind remark or a minor disappointment – before tackling deeper wounds. This gradual approach helps you build your “forgiveness muscle”, making it easier to navigate more significant conflicts later on[6]. Each act of forgiveness reinforces your commitment and prepares you for future challenges, building on the self-reflection you’ve already practiced.
#5 – Stop Dwelling on Past Wrongs
Once you’ve decided to forgive, it’s time to stop letting past wrongs dominate your present. Forgiveness is a conscious choice, but the harder part is breaking free from the cycle of rumination, replaying the hurt over and over in your head. This habit is one of the biggest obstacles to emotional healing and forgiveness[6]. Instead of helping you process the pain, rumination keeps negative emotions alive, fueling anger and resentment.
Every time you revisit the offense in your mind, you’re giving that person and that moment power over your present thoughts and emotions. Dr. John Gottman highlights how holding onto negative emotions drains energy and weakens connections[2]. Beyond emotional exhaustion, research shows that rumination increases anxiety, stress, and hostility, and it’s also linked to symptoms of depression[3].
There are a few tools at hand to stop this destructive cycle. One way to stop the negative thoughts cycle is to consciously redirect your attention. Activities that demand your full attention, like exercising, diving into a creative project, or having a meaningful conversation, can naturally pull you out of the mental loop and anchor you in the present.
Another way is by writing down your thoughts. Doing so gets them out of your head, giving you clarity and making it easier to let go[3].
Another helpful approach is to reframe your perspective. Try to imagine the person who hurt you at their best, focusing on their potential for growth and goodness[5]. This doesn’t excuse their behavior or mean you should lower your boundaries, but it can help soften the grip of negative emotions.
#6 – Take Stock of Your Healing Process
Dealing with the pain of betrayal or hurt can feel overwhelming, with emotions often shifting from one moment to the next. Keeping a written account of your journey can make a big difference. Instead of allowing all of your emotions to keep swirling around in your head, causing damage, writing things down can help you sort through your feelings and take steps toward healing. Studies have shown that writing about emotions and experiences can lower stress and anxiety, while meditation helps calm the mind and process tough emotions[3].
Capturing your feelings on paper allows you to dig deeper into what’s troubling you. When writing about a conflict or betrayal, consider asking yourself questions like: What exactly hurt me? Does this remind me of something from my past? What am I afraid will happen if I forgive? How has holding onto this pain affected me? What do I need to feel closure?
Start by writing freely – don’t worry about structure or grammar. Let your emotions, whether they’re anger, sadness, or frustration, pour onto the page. Once you’ve expressed yourself, use the prompts above to guide deeper reflection. For instance, try listing three specific ways negative emotions have impacted your relationships[7]. You might realize you’ve become distant or overly critical in other areas of your life. Seeing these patterns written out can make them easier to address.
What matters most is consistency. Just 10 to 15 minutes a day of this kind of journaling can create meaningful shifts over time. The key is to make it a regular habit rather than something you only turn to in moments of distress. You can tie it to an existing routine, like journaling after your morning coffee, to help you stick with it.
As you continue, take time to review your written entries every so often. Date your entries and look for patterns in your thoughts and reactions. You might notice that certain situations trigger old feelings or that your perspective has changed significantly. Seeing this progress can be incredibly motivating, especially on days when forgiveness feels out of reach.
#7 – Reach Out for Support
Forgiveness isn’t always easy, especially when emotions like anger, resentment, and pain feel overwhelming. If you’re finding it hard to move forward in your relationship, there are a number of resources available to help you process your pain, access forgiveness and let go of the pain.
Of course, friends and family are an excellent means of support. Spending time with people who love you can make you feel supported and give you strength to do the hard work that needs to be done to forgive. That being said, friends and family are not impartial and, while they might help you feel better in the moment, they might not help big picture.
Support groups are also an excellent source of education and support. Sharing space with people struggling with forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing.
Therapists, counselors, or relationship coaches (like me!) can also offer a safe space to unpack these feelings and help you navigate the path toward healing. Their expertise can complement the strategies you’re already working on, making your forgiveness journey more manageable.
When seeking help, look for professionals with credentials in relationship work to ensure their expertise aligns with your goals. For instance, I offer a variety of resources to help with your healing, including coaching sessions, a 4-week course designed to help you move on from heartbreak, and a free e-book on overcoming relationship challenges. One client shared their experience:
“From our very first session to now (3 months in), I’ve always left feeling a greater sense of empowerment and energy to tackle the challenges we outlined together. Every time we talk, I see myself accomplishing goals that I had previously believed were out of reach…” – Client of Let Your Dreams Begin
It’s important to find the right fit for your needs. Therapists and counselors typically rely on well-researched techniques, while coaches may take a more tailored and goal-oriented approach. Research from the Stanford Forgiveness Project even highlights how professional support not only aids forgiveness but can also improve your overall emotional and physical health [2].
Forgiveness takes dedication, practice, and patience[3].
The seven methods outlined work together to help release resentment and encourage healing. Each step supports the next: being honest about your emotions can make empathy easier, and practicing gratitude often paves the way for a genuine decision to forgive. This process is backed by research, showing that every step contributes to emotional and physical well-being.
The benefits of forgiveness reach beyond personal healing – they can transform relationships. Forgiveness builds trust and intimacy, helping couples move past conflicts and create stronger, more resilient bonds[1]. It also encourages self-regulation, reducing harmful conflict dynamics and promoting healthier behaviors. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that holding onto negative emotions drains energy and harms relationships, making forgiveness a key factor for couples aiming to build a positive future[2].
Forgiveness requires strength and courage, and its greatest gift is often to yourself. It frees you from the grip of resentment and lets you reclaim control over your life[3]. By letting go, you create space for stronger, healthier relationships.
Start where you are. If you’re just beginning, focus on recognizing and validating your emotions. If you’re further along, work on making the conscious choice to forgive or breaking the habit of reliving past wrongs. You don’t need to tackle all seven practices at once – choose one or two that feel most relevant to your situation. By committing to forgiveness, you’re prioritizing your own peace, freedom, and the health of your relationships. While the road may be challenging, the rewards of personal growth and deeper connections make it worth every step.
