How Technology Can Help, And Hurt, Romantic Relationships, According to Experts

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Technology is, in so many ways, shaping our lives. When it comes to relationships, its influence can be particularly profound.

While technology can help people stay close through texts, video calls, and social media, especially over long distances, it also creates challenges because it can get in the way of healthy relationship dynamics.

Understanding how technology can both help and hurt a relationship is key to making sure that it doesn’t affect you and your life and your happily ever after.

“By allowing technology to interfere with or interrupt conversations, activities, and time with romantic partners – even when unintentional or for brief moments – individuals may be sending implicit messages about what they value most, leading to conflict and negative outcomes.” [2]

How Can Technology Strengthen A Relationship?

#1 – Staying Connected Across Distance

I remember the days when long distance relationships were impossible to manage. Between long distance telephone rates and snail-mail, maintaining a emotional attachment was very difficult. Technology has become a lifeline for couples trying to stay emotionally connected, no matter where they are. In fact, 21% of partnered cell phone or internet users say online or text communication makes them feel closer to their significant other. [5] For younger couples aged 18 to 29, that number climbs to 41%. [5]

Its amazing how a quick “thinking of you” text during a busy day or a video call to wind down together helps bridge the physical gap and make us feel even closer to our significant other. Even at home, 25% of couples admit to texting each other within the same space, proving how digital communication is now a natural part of daily life.[5] These small but consistent gestures lay the groundwork for meaningful emotional exchanges.

#2 – Making It Easier to Share Feelings, Sometimes

I believe that in many situations, texting can become a go-to method for tackling emotional conversations. When feelings are intense, typing out thoughts gives people the chance to pause, reflect, and choose their words carefully – without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face discussion.

Texting also provides a safe environment for handling tough topics. Emojis, used over 10 billion times daily worldwide, add a layer of emotional nuance, acting as digital stand-ins for facial expressions and gestures. [7]

That being said, it is important to note that texting is not always a great way of discussing difficult topics. I know, from personal experience, that people do say things over text that they might not say face-to-face. Furthermore, texts can be misconstrued because the emotions that are attached to the words are difficult to discern. As a result, people might take things differently from the way they were intended. This is particularly the case with women who tend to analyze every word in a text that is sent to them. So, maybe use texting as a way to initiate a conversation might be a good idea but, if things starts to escalate, switch to a face-to-face conversation or a telephone call.

Research does show that 9% of partnered adults have resolved arguments digitally when in-person resolution felt too difficult. Among younger adults aged 18 to 29, that number jumps to 23%. [5] So, perhaps, using texting as a means of resolving difficulties is one tool in the toolbox that can help transform potentially challenging conversations into more manageable exchanges.

#3 – Building Bonds

Everyday digital habits can play a huge role in strengthening emotional ties. For instance, 48% of partnered social media users aged 18 to 29 say platforms like Instagram or TikTok are key to showing how much they care about their partner. [3] Social media users over 30 say the same thing about Facebook.

Whether it’s leaving a supportive comment, sharing a funny post, or simply checking in, these actions create a sense of ongoing contact that keeps couples emotionally connected even during hectic schedules. [8]

That being said, as much as being on social media can connect to people, so can NOT using social media affect a relationship. I have a client who would watch her partner post TikToks that were related to his work even as he didn’t return her text messages. That she knew what he was doing all the day didn’t help her feel safe as she felt like his work was more important to him than she was.

Sharing passwords, or locations, – something 67% of users do – can add another layer of trust and transparency. [5] Tools like shared calendars and synchronized schedules also help couples stay on the same page, making it easier to navigate life together.[5] These digital habits, while seemingly small, can collectively build a strong foundation for emotional intimacy.

Esther Perel on The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy | SXSW 2023

SXSW

How Does Technology Damage Relationships?

While technology has undoubtedly transformed the way we connect, it also poses challenges to emotional closeness in relationships. As I said above, using texting as the only means of communication about difficult issues or not using social media in a way that makes your partner feel safe can disrupt the delicate balance of intimacy and connection. It is important to understand how technology can damage even the healthiest of relationships.

#1 – Technoferencing and Phubbing

Technology can be both a bridge and a barrier for couples. And, of course, technology has come up with two names for things that can get in the way of a healthy relationship: technoferencing and phubbing. (Kind of silly words, no?)

Technoferencing refers to the interruptions in daily interactions caused by technology. [10] Phubbing, on the other hand, happens when one partner ignores the other in favor of their phone or device. [9]

I am sure that you have experienced one or both of these things more than once in your relationship. Perhaps you and your partner were having an important discussion and a friend reached out to him to talk about football. Your partner might have stopped paying attention to the conversation and focused on his friend’s text instead, leaving you feeling unimportant and abandoned.

I remember how one of my ex-boyfriends would always pick up his phone during ads while we were watching TV. He never turned to me to say what do you think or to hug me or to ask if I wanted a snack. Instead he always picked up his phone and scrolled. I found it incredibly insulting.

Studies show that these distractions are alarmingly common – 70% of women in committed relationships report that technology interferes with their interactions. [10] When a partner reaches for their phone during shared moments, it can diminish someone’s ability to recognize and respond empathetically to emotional needs [9].

Psychologist Brandon McDaniel explains:

“Many interruptions, even unintentional, send the message that the technology device is more important in that moment than one’s romantic partner.” [10]

For people with anxious attachment styles, this behavior can amplify fears of rejection and spark jealousy. [9] Feeling rejected, the neglected partner might also turn to their phone, creating a cycle of disconnection. Even the mere presence of a phone can chip away at trust and reduce feelings of empathy. [9]

#2 – Social Media Jealousy and Disagreements

Social media platforms often blur boundaries in relationships, leading to misunderstandings and tension. For example, 23% of partnered adults have reported feeling jealous or uncertain about their relationship due to their partner’s online interactions. [3] Additionally, over half (53%) of social media users admit to checking up on an ex-partner online. [3]

This, I always tell my clients, is something that it’s important to recognize right away in a relationship. After all, when those boundaries do get blurred because of social media, a healthy relationship can be difficult. Remember, someone’s social media presence doesn’t necessarily represent the truth of their life. What it is is a representation of the best part of their life. So, if someone’s partner posts something that feels like a half truth, or doesn’t involve an accurate representation of their relationship, they can feel deceived and disrespected.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok can further strain relationships, just like they do productivity. Research shows that excessive use of Instagram often leads to lower relationship satisfaction and more frequent arguments because users often get so involved by what they’re seeing on their screen that they damage any connection they might have with their partner in the moment. They also might overuse the apps which, like any other addiction, can be devastating to any kind of relationship. [12] As Skye Bouffard noted:

“The sequential effects of reduced relationship satisfaction and increased conflicts then triggered addictive use of Instagram.” [12]

Interestingly, the cultural context also plays a role. In Western cultures, phubbing tends to result in direct conflicts, while in Eastern cultures, it’s more closely tied to lower marital satisfaction and heightened jealousy. [9] These patterns reveal how technology can gradually erode trust and intimacy.

#3- Online Betrayal and Broken Trust

Technology has introduced new ways for trust to be compromised in relationships. Emotional cheating, for instance, involves forming a deep emotional bond with someone outside the relationship and sharing thoughts or feelings that should be reserved for one’s partner. Even seemingly minor actions, like secretly checking an ex’s social media or flirting online, can breach trust. [13] Clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Carr explains:

“Emotional cheating involves a level of secrecy, emotional intimacy, or reliance on someone that should typically be reserved for one’s partner.” [13]

Digital snooping is another behavior that undermines trust. Research shows that women engage in this behavior more often than men – 42% compared to 25%. [3] Among younger adults, 52% admit to such actions.[3] I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me the first time because of something that they have discovered on their partners phone. They know they shouldn’t have been snooping, but they couldn’t help themselves.

Again, media addiction can also play a significant role in these dynamics. Research shows a strong link between media addiction and phubbing which can create a feedback loop where technology not only causes but also intensifies insecurities in relationships. [9]

How Can You Effectively Use Technology to Keep Your Relationship Healthy?

Technology has its challenges, but when used thoughtfully, it can actually bring couples closer. The secret lies in setting clear boundaries and using digital tools to enhance your connection – never to replace it.

#1 – Setting Limits on Device Use

Creating device-free zones is one way to protect quality time. Studies reveal that technoference happens on about 21.5% of days, disrupting moments that couples need to connect. [11] To counter this, designate phone-free areas like the dining table, bedroom, or during date nights. You can also keep chargers in shared spaces to discourage private scrolling. [14][15][17]

In a 14-day study, over half of participants (56.1%) reported phone interruptions on at least two or three days, and those moments often led to feelings of sadness, boredom, or even anger for 62% of them. [11][1] Researcher McDaniel found that even brief interruptions from technology can send the wrong message – making your partner feel like they’re not your top priority. [2] By setting these limits, you create space for more meaningful conversations and connection.

#2 – Communicating Thoughtfully

Technology can actually strengthen your bond when used with intention. While sometimes it might be good idea to use texting for sensitive topics, stick to face-to-face conversations or phone calls to avoid misunderstandings. [15][16] On the flip side, small digital gestures – like sending a sweet text, a voice note, or even a funny meme – can show your partner you’re thinking of them throughout the day. These little moments of connection help balance out the distractions that devices can bring.

If you do need to use your phone while spending time together, involve your partner. Show them what you’re doing or explain why it’s important. Research suggests that when you include your partner in your phone activities, it helps reduce feelings of being left out and keeps the connection intact. [1] And here’s a simple rule: in-person conversations always come first. If your partner wants to talk face-to-face, set your phone aside immediately. [15][16] You can even turn on airplane mode during special moments – it’s a small gesture that shows your partner they matter more than any notification.

#3- Repairing Trust When Technology is Making Things Worse

When technology causes tension or trust is broken, rebuilding that trust is crucial. Start with an open conversation to define what trust means for both of you and to agree on digital boundaries moving forward. [18] Being honest about your mistakes, taking responsibility, and expressing genuine remorse can go a long way towards rebuilding that trust. [18]

If phone use has become a problem in your relationship, consider making phone use a part of regular weekly relationship check-ins. Share what’s working, where there are challenges, and any concerns about how your phones might be affecting your relationship. [19] It’s important to express your feelings without shaming or blame, like saying “I’d really appreciate some uninterrupted time together,” instead of “You’re always on your phone.” This way, your partner won’t feel attacked and might be more willing to work together to make sure that technology isn’t damaging the relationship.

Technology can either bring couples closer or create distance – it all depends on how it’s used.

Research highlights this dual impact: 21% of people in committed relationships feel more connected to their partner through digital interactions yet 51% admit their partner gets distracted by their phone during conversations. [5][3] The key to tipping the scale in favor of connection lies in being intentional and aware of your tech habits.

Simple gestures like sending a thoughtful text can strengthen your bond, while behaviors like phubbing or technoference can slowly undermine relationship satisfaction. Psychotherapist Amy Morin explains it well:

“One or two bad habits with technology could damage your bond. While issues like jealousy and communication problems certainly pre-date smartphones and social media, technology has allowed them to grow bigger” [4].

Remember, the power to shape your relationship in the digital age is in your hands – literally.

As technology continues to evolve, the core elements of a strong relationship remain unchanged: undivided attention, genuine presence, and making your partner feel valued. By setting aside distractions and focusing on meaningful connection, you can ensure your relationship thrives – even in a world filled with screens.

5 Ways to Process The Pain When Your Married Man Betrays You…Again

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, your married man has let you down again. Maybe he has made promises that he hasn’t kept or not been there when you needed him or maybe even decided to walk away from you. And I am guessing that you are feeling a pain that is worse than anything that you have ever felt before. (Or at least since the last time he did this to you)

I am so so sorry. I have been there and I know that it HURTS!

Being betrayed by a man who says that he loves you can make you feel like your world has been turned upside down, leaving you with intense emotions and a shaken sense of trust. Even if you know that letting him go might be the best thing that you can do for yourself, the emotional pain that you are feeling is real and can have lasting effects on your mental and physical health. But healing is possible.

Here are some steps that you can take to get you on the path to letting go of the pain and move on.

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

Healing from Betrayal Trauma (Science-Based)

#1 – Accept What Happened

The first step in healing from your married man’s betrayal is acknowledging the reality of what has occurred – even when it hurts. Denial might feel easier in the moment, but it only delays the healing process. Research highlights that avoidance strategies often make recovery more difficult. [6] Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened or forgive right away – it simply means recognizing the impact the betrayal has had on your life.

“Accepting these feelings is the first step to recovery.”
– School of Modern Psychology [4]

I know that it might seem scary, but acknowledging your emotions fully is what sets you up for deeper healing.

Betrayal often stirs up a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, shock, fear, or even shame. [5] Instead of suppressing these feelings, it’s important to allow yourself to experience them. Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, puts it succinctly: “Face it, feel it, heal it.” [6] By naming what you’re feeling – whether it’s rage, grief, or insecurity – you can take away some of their power by fully feeling those feelings.[5] This acknowledgment becomes the first step toward practical healing.

While feeling your feelings is important, it is important that you not feel these feelings every minute of every day. We often get, oddly, addicted to feeling the pain of the betrayal. We feed that pain by talking to our friends or desperately looking on TikTok for other people who have been betrayed. All of those things are good, in the beginning, but focusing on it will only keep you from healing. Look for positive things as well – things about living happily ever after!

So, feel those feelings, and then let them go!

#2 – Write Down Your Feelings

When emotions feel overwhelming, writing them down can bring a sense of relief you might not expect. There is something incredibly powerful about getting thoughts that have been swirling around in your head out of there and onto paper where you might be able to make sense of them.

Writing things down also offers a safe space to pour out raw emotions without fear of judgment. In fact, research shows that just four days of expressive writing can improve happiness for months and even reduce doctor visits. [9]

“Journaling can help validate and process your emotions, offering clarity and a sense of relief. It’s an effective way to manage negative thoughts and gain insight into your mental health.”
– Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center[7]

By acknowledging your feelings and exploring them on paper, you can begin to make sense of your inner experience. This isn’t about perfect grammar or structure – just set aside 15–20 minutes and let everything flow. Write about the anger, confusion, hurt, or even physical symptoms like tension or trouble sleeping. Seeing these connections on paper can help you grasp how deeply the betrayal has impacted you.

If you’re not sure where to start, try prompts like: “What am I feeling right now?” or “What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?” Asking “what” instead of “why” keeps your focus forward, steering you away from getting stuck in endless rumination. You could also use writing as a way to picture your future self – what does life look like after healing? Who do you want to become?

For a symbolic release, consider writing down the most painful details of your experience, then destroy the paper – burn it, flush it, or toss it into the ocean. This physical act can feel like taking control and letting go of the trauma’s grip.

Writing down your emotions doesn’t just help you process the pain – it sets the stage for protecting and nurturing yourself as you continue to heal.

#3 – Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises

Mindfulness and deep breathing can ground you in the present moment, especially when betrayal stirs up that overwhelming fight-or-flight response. While these practices won’t erase the pain, they can help you acknowledge your emotions without letting them take over. A study in the journal Mindfulness surveyed 94 adults who had experienced infidelity and found that those with stronger mindfulness skills were more likely to forgive and less likely to seek revenge. [10]

“Those with strong self-compassion skills tend to embrace their turmoil without over-identifying with it.” – Researchers, Mindfulness Journal [10]

I know that idea of mindfulness is overwhelming and perplexing but, if you start small, you too can take advantage of its benefits.

Start with a 10-minute deep breathing practice. Find a quiet spot, sit comfortably, and take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth. [7] This simple exercise helps soothe your stress response and provides quick relief when emotions feel overwhelming. And when your thoughts inevitably drift back to the betrayal, don’t judge yourself – just gently bring your focus back to your breath. [7]

For moments of intense stress, try the exaggerated breath technique: inhale for three seconds, hold for two, and exhale for four .[11] Research has shown that just 15 minutes of focused breathing can significantly reduce emotional distress, even when faced with upsetting stimuli.[11] Did you know that, when we are stressed, we stop breathing. This is why its so difficult to think clearly or process our emotions because our brains are literally struggling to survive.

The goal here is to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Instead of spiraling into questions like, “Why did this happen?” shift your focus to the present with questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need to feel secure?” [5] This approach keeps you anchored in the here and now, where true healing begins. By focusing on your breath and staying present with your emotions, you regain a sense of control over your recovery journey.

#4 – Take Care of Yourself

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt emotionally – it impacts your body too. Studies reveal that 70% of women dealing with betrayal by their married men experience PTSD symptoms. [12] This kind of trauma often shows up physically, leading to headaches, fatigue, insomnia, and even digestive issues. Moving your body isn’t just about staying fit; it’s a way to release the trauma stored deep in your tissues and nervous system.

The key is finding the right type of movement for what you’re feeling. If you’re grappling with anger or rage, high-intensity activities like boxing or running can help channel those intense emotions. On the other hand, if anxiety has you feeling on edge, gentler options like walking, stretching, or yoga can calm your system and help you feel safe again. Licensed therapist Rebecca Capps highlights this balance:

“Self-care after betrayal can include eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy” [2]

Somatic practices can also help you reconnect with your body. Techniques like “butterfly tapping” (crossing your arms and rhythmically tapping your shoulders) or focusing on the sensation of your feet as you walk are simple yet powerful tools. These practices help regulate an overactive nervous system and create a deeper sense of grounding and self-awareness.

Incorporating regular physical activity into your life reinforces your recovery. Building a routine – even just 20 minutes a day – can help restore a sense of control. Each day will be a small but meaningful step toward rebuilding trust in yourself. Each time you show up for your body, you’re proving to yourself that you’re capable of moving forward.

#5 – Create Boundaries to Protect Yourself

After being betrayed by your married man. it’s important to safeguard your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries – both with the person who hurt you and with yourself. This is one of the reasons that it’s important to go NO CONTACT, to not communicate with him in any way shape or form. Dr. Bruce Y. Lee describes it well:

“Allowing the betrayer to influence your post-betrayal processing can be like inviting the defense attorney into a jury’s deliberations” [1]

NO CONTACT extends to social media use. It is very important that you unfriend or unfollow your person and do everything that you can do to not stalk them. See what they are doing or saying will only set you back with your healing. (And remember – what people post on social media are the things that they want people to see, not the truth about how they may be feeling.)

Personal boundaries are just as important. Make sure that your married man knows that they too must go NO CONTACT as well. No reaching out to wish you a happy birthday or to tell you how much they miss you or, even worse, that they are going to leave their wives (which they won’t). It is important that they know that you need this for your mental health – and that it’s time they stop putting their own needs first!

Boundaries are powerful tools for reclaiming control over your life. But remember, healing happens on your terms and timeline. As the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center explains:

“Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional space, allowing you to rebuild trust on your terms” [7].

I know that you want the pain that you are feeling to go away right now.

And I wish that I could make that happen for you. Unfortunately, recovering from betrayal isn’t a straight path – it’s a cycle.

These five strategies – acceptance, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, and setting boundaries – work together to help you regain control of your life. Each step plays a role in moving you forward, even if progress feels slow at times.

Above all, treat yourself with kindness. As Dr. Margaret Paul emphasizes, gentle self-compassion is essential for letting go of emotions like anger and heartbreak that can otherwise remain stuck and even impact your physical health. [8] Without this kindness, it’s hard to truly move on after a breakup.

It’s also important to remember that betrayal leaves its mark on both your mind and body. [3] Rebuilding trust – whether with others or yourself – requires patience and at the same time consistent effort. [3] [1] There’s no universal timeline for healing, so give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Rushing the process often does more harm than good.

Healing from betrayal is within reach, but it starts with small, intentional steps. Focus on what you can control today – whether it’s practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, or simply showing yourself the compassion you deserve. Every step forward matters.

Remember, if you need someone to help you on this journey, reach out. I can offer you an obligation free session that could really make a difference! You can get through this and you will!

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