5 Things to Do to be Happy Again after a Break Up

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are trying to figure out how to be happy again after a break up. I get it! I have totally been there.

I am not sure there is any pain more intense than the pain we feel after a break up!

I remember my first broken heart. With Bobby Fortunato in the 8th grade. I was devastated. I remember my mom let me stay home from school and she gave me Jello!

So, here you are, in middle of the storm, struggling to stay afloat and wondering how you will ever be happy again!

You can be! I promise!

Here are 5 things to do to be happy again after a break up.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

Blocking an ex is the number one thing that I recommend that people do to be happy again after a break up. And it’s the number one thing that people don’t do and it holds them back.

So, why is it so important to block someone after a break up and why is it so hard to do it?

The reason why it is important to block your ex is because it is essential that you go no contact.That means no seeing each other, talking to each other, texting each other or liking each other’s posts on Instagram. Why is that important? Because any contact, any, will take you back to square one the moment of your break up when the pain was most intense.

Back in the day, when we broke up with someone, we broke up with them. With a little bit of effort, we could avoid them and then we could move on. Now, we can access any information about our ex that we want, at any time. And when we do, it sets us back.

I have a client whose man had broken her heart and, six months in, she was starting to feel better. She was even opening herself up to the idea of dating again. And what happened? Late one night, her ex drunkenly texted her. She was so excited because she thought that he wanted her back. So, she responded and they texted throughout the night. The next morning, there was radio silence. He had sobered up and moved on.

And what happened to her? She was devastated, again, and back to square one!

So, why is it so hard to block someone after a break up? I believe that it’s mostly about hope. Hope that someday their person will come back to them and they want to make sure that they are there in case that happens. People also want to keep tabs on their person, to see how quickly they move on. Sometimes they just can’t, or do not want to, break the habit. But mostly, I believe, it’s because they are holding out hope for the future.

And now that I have explained to you what my client’s reunion with her ex did to her hopefully you will see that you don’t want to be there for your ex in future you want to have moved on.

So, if you want to be happy after a break up, block your ex. I promise you it will be helpful in a big way.

#2 – Rearrange your space.

Be honest. How many times in the past few days have you looked at the chair that they sat in at breakfast or their side of the couch or the pillows that they slept on and then burst into tears. The memories of your ex’s time in your home are visceral and probably holding you back from healing.

So, what can you do about that? You can change your space! Shake things up so that your ex’s energy will be banished forever and you have space to make new memories.

What do I mean by changing your space? You can go big or little.Whatever feels good to you.

My sister, when she got divorced, switched her bedroom to another room in the house. A client of mine painted all the walls. I bought flannel sheets because my ex hated them. A friend moved the breakfast table to the other side of the kitchen. Definitely remove any and all things that they might have left behind, including pictures!

Imagine how it would feel to come down the stairs in the morning and not see your ex’s chair sitting there, empty. Imagine if your bed, because of your new sheets, no longer resembles the one you shared with your ex. If your space was truly your space again.

Even if your space is small there is still opportunity to make change right now. Take a look around. What would feel really good to change right now? Stand up and do it or make a plan to do it this weekend!

You will be glad you did!

#3 – Change your routines.

Much like changing your space, changing your routines are an essential part of being happy again after a break up.

We are all creatures of habit and we tend to do the same things day in, day out. I know for my partner and me, when we get home from work we go for a walk, have a drink on the couch, make dinner, watch some TV and go to bed. We do it almost every day and we love it. It is very comforting.

I know that, if we broke up, I would be devastated. And I would, most likely, carry on doing the things that we had always done together. And that would only make me lonely.

Take a look at your routines. What kind of habits did you and your ex develop over the course of your relationship? Did you go to the same coffee shop every Saturday? Go to a different one. Did you have pizza for dinner every Wednesday? Have burritos instead. Did you each have your own side of the bed? Switch your place to other side.

Changing routines will help you let go of your ex. It will also serve to adjust your brain to the new reality. When we do the same things over and over, we develop ruts in our brain. When we are pushed out of our ruts, we get very uncomfortable. But, if we can stay out of them, we can rewire our brains to do things differently namely to no longer focus on our ex.

So, what kind of routines and habits did you and your ex share? Which of them can you change? (You can even start with just one!) When you can change that thing? And how would it feel to do so?

Changing your routines will be a key part of your journey to be happy again after a breakup.

#4 – Push yourself.

When I got divorced 12 years ago, I was a shell of myself. For 20 years I had been married to someone who made me fearful not afraid of him but afraid of the world around me.

As a result, there were many things that I didn’t do. That I couldn’t do. And, when I noticed this, I recognized that I was going to have to do some of those things if I wanted to be happy again.

So, what did I do? I set out to do all of the things that I was uncomfortable doing.

I had always been scared of jet skis and snorkeling and I did both. I had become increasingly uncomfortable driving in snow storms so I did so every opportunity I could. I went to Peru and climbed a 17,000 foot high mountain and to Arizona and hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

What did pushing myself do for me? It rebuilt my self esteem and made me realize that I was a person outside of my relationship. Accomplishing things that were challenging made me feel good about myself and very strong. And I realized that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do alone that I didn’t need to be part of a pair to succeed or live a good life.

I would encourage you to take stock of the things that scare you and set out to do at least one of them. Do things that you have always wanted to do, even if you have to do them alone. Be the person you were before the end of this relationship. That person is still in there, waiting to be set free from behind the grief!

#5 – Have hope.

I know that, from where you sit, you feel like your future is hopeless and that you will never love or be loved again. What I can promise you is that how you are feeling just isn’t true. I promise.

When we are in a bad place it is virtually impossible to see the future as a hopeful one. We are feeling so fully what it’s like to be miserable and the journey out of that misery is murky.

What I can promise you is that, with time, you will be happy again. You will get your life back. You will be happy. You will love and be loved again. It is more than possible; it is most probable.

That being said, you can’t just sit back, eating ice cream, watching TV, stalking your ex on Instagram, and wait for the misery to pass. You must be able to step up and take the steps that are necessary to get your life back.

So, even if you are feeling hopeless, listen to me. You can do this! And it will be worth it, you will see!

I know it’s hard to believe that you can be happy again after a break up but hopefully I have inspired you to shake things up a bit so that you can move on and be happy, sooner than later!

When we let go of a relationship, it is often the residual effects, the energy, the loss, the sadness, that hold us back from healing. If you can shake up your space and your head, block your person completely, push yourself to find yourself again and have hope, you will be happy again. You will have the life and the love that you have always wanted!

I promise!

7 Ways to ‘Fake It Til You Make It’ When You are Feeling Sad

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So many of us, myself included, find they have to fake it until you make it when they are feeling sad.

Life is busy with work, family, friends, pets, etc. Who has time to be sad? I know that I don’t.

Unfortunately, it can be very hard to not give in to the sadness to not let it derail your life.

Luckily there are a few hacks that you can use that will help you fake it until you make it when you are feeling sad.

#1 – Get out of bed.

This might seem fairly obvious but, for many people, the act of simply getting out of bed when they are depressed is impossible.

The inclination to stay under the covers, in the dark, away from the stimulation of the world is almost irresistible when you are depressed. Bed is comfy and cozy and not going to judge you in any way for how you are feeling.

If you are trapped in your bed, GET OUT OF IT!

People I know who are depressed go to great lengths to stay out of bed when they are feeling sad.

I have known people to take their mattress off the box spring and lean it against the wall. Some people pile their mattresses with books. Others strip the bed of the sheets.

Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed.

Because, out of bed, it is way more likely that you will actually be able to do something other than lay around, ruminating about how horrible you feel.

#2 – Do what makes you feel good.

When we are struggling with sadness and depression, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don’t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling sad, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

What kind of things might work? That depends on who you are in the world but here are a few ideas.

  • Take a walk.
  • Spend time with friends.
  • Take a bath.
  • Do some yoga.
  • Binge on some fun TV.
  • Have sex
  • Go to the movies.
  • Take a road trip

So, what makes you happy? I know it seems hard now but ask yourself what you usually enjoy doing. Or ask a friend. Doing something that makes you happy will raise your endorphins and help you manage your sadness.

#3 – Take care of yourself.

An excellent coping mechanism for working through depression is taking care of yourself.

After my mom died I fell apart. Getting off the couch was next to impossible. Tequila was my closest companion with ice cream a close second.

Fortunately for me, a friend saw what I was doing to myself and helped get me back on track. I started going to yoga, getting more sleep, eating better and drinking lots of water.

I started spending more time outdoors in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun felt good on my body and the Vitamin D provided by the sun is a natural anti-depressant.

I know that if I hadn’t started taking care of myself, if I hadn’t made my body stronger, my sadness would only have gotten worse!

#4 – Keep your mind active.

Unfortunately, when you’re feeling sad, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all.

You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren’t good at anything. You will never find love.You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn’t go there.

It is really important, when you are feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this You are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don’t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#5 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don’t, it could be time to start.

Did you know that negative thoughts are 4 times more powerful in your head than after they have been spoken or written. Think about it the last time you were stuck listening to those negative voices didn’t you feel much better when you shared them with someone? Yes! Even if your problems weren’t solved at least they weren’t rolling around in your head, making things messy.

Writing about how you are feeling and things that are making sad, or whatever it is that is stuck in your head, can be an excellent way to fake it until you make it’ when you are feeling sad, especially if you don’t have someone with whom to share your sadness. When you have no one to talk to when you are feeling sad, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it can be much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with friends but choose carefully.

One of the most important things to manage when you’re feeling depressed is your environment. Your bed and your pjs might feel like the right thing to do but you know now they are not.

The same attention needs to be paid to who you spend time with when you are feeling depressed. If there are people in your life who bring you down then avoiding them when you aren’t doing well is very important.

My mother was very difficult to spend time with when I was depressed. She was always trying to talk me out of my depression by pretending that it didn’t exist or telling me to just snap out of it. Both of those things just made me feel worse. So, I avoided her when I wasn’t doing well. It was best for both of us.

Consider who you shouldn’t spend time with when you are depressed, and avoid them. On the same note, think about who would be a good person to be with and make a date with them right now!

#7 – Know that feeling sad isn’t a sign of weakness.

Another piece of faking it until you make it when you are feeling sad is to admit to yourself that, in fact, you are struggling.

So many of us, when we are struggling with depression, judge ourselves. We are all taught that we need to be tough, to not let our emotions overwhelm us, to get over it. Furthermore, we look at those around us and assume that everyone else is fine, that it is only us who is such a loser.

But this is NOT true. Sadness and depression are real things. While we all think that we should suck it up and be happy, sometimes it just isn’t possible. Sometimes we are just sad. And it is ok.

Owning, to yourself at least, the fact that you are sad, and recognizing that it’s ok. is an excellent way to get through those times when the sadness is with you so that you can get through it intact.

In many ways it is sad that we have to fake it until we make it when we are feeling sad.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if society as a whole was willing to accept that depression is a thing and give us space to be depressed openly.

Unfortunately, while we are getting there, that is not the way life is right now so knowing how to get through your sadness is a key part of not letting it derail your life.

So, when you are feeling sad, first and foremost, get out of bed. Take care of yourself. Do something fun. Control your thoughts and accept that this is just how things are for now.

All of those things will allow you to keep moving forward when you are depressed. And sometimes, if you keep moving forward, that in itself will help with your depression.

All of this being said, if you are feeling depressed and you find that it isn’t going away, that it is derailing your life, it is essential that you see your doctor. What you are dealing with might be more than sadness and your doctor can help you figure out ways to deal with it.

But for now   get out there. Live! You can do it!

5 Signs that You are Being Codependent in Your Relationship

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Are your friends telling you that you are being co-dependent in your relationship?

Do you not really know what that means? Is it a term you have heard but are you not clear on its meaning?

The definition of co-dependent is characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Now that you understand what that the term codependent means, let’s explore the signs of whether you are being co-dependent in your relationship.

#1 – The need to please.

Do you do anything that you can to please your partner?

Do you dress the way they want you to, listen to the same music they do, cook only their favorite things, compliment them on everything?

Have you basically let go of who you are to keep your person happy?

And have you done this because you are afraid that if you don’t, your partner will be angry or, even worse, leave you?

I have a client who bent over backwards to please her partner. She was sure that if she didn’t, he would leave her. She attended to his every need, pretended that it was ok that he was always late coming over, bought him things and walked his dog. Why did she do all of these things? Because she was worried that he would leave her.

Ultimately, he did leave her. He recognized the codependency in their relationship and didn’t like the role that he was playing in it. So, he left, got his shit together, and soon after found someone who didn’t bend over backwards to please him, with whom he could have a healthy relationship.

#2 – Caretaking.

I know that caretaking might seem a lot like doing anything to please your partner but it isn’t.

Caretaking is supporting your partner’s illness or addiction in a way to justify behaviors or even hide it from the world.

I have a client who was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic. He would go on 3 day benders where he disappeared. He would call her from a police station, having been arrested. He was narcissistic and inconsistent in his feelings for her and their relationship. He was verbally and emotionally abusive.

And, in spite of all that, she still loved him. And, even worse, she protected him.

My client used to go out of her way to protect her man, to not let the world see what he was struggling with. She hid his drinking from his children, she made excuses when he didn’t show up to family events, she justified his absences from their life together.

She took care of him to the point that she was enabling his behavior, his addiction. And this is one of the most destructive hallmarks of codependency caretaking someone in such a way that you don’t give them the opportunity to heal!

#3 – Dependency.

As I have described above, the signs that you are being co-dependent in your relationship, one would think that the person being taken care of would be the dependent one. And while that is true to a degree, there is a dependency on the part of the caregiver that is a sign of codependency.

What do I mean by that?

In the example of my client, over the years she came to NEED to take care of him almost more than he needed to be taken care of. Her determination to keep him safe and well cared for was something that she needed in her life and she felt like, without it, she might die.

As a result, even when faced with his toxicity, she didn’t walk away. She was as addicted to taking care of him as he was to the alcohol. As a result, she couldn’t leave. Even more so, she needed to stay.

So, if you find that you are dependent on taking care of your person as way to keep yourself feeling safe, then that is definitely a sign that you are being codependent in your relationship.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

In any list that I write about signs of a toxic relationship, lack of self-esteem is on there. Lack of self-esteem is definitely one of the top three signs that your relationship is not healthy.

And why does being codependent in a relationship lead to low self-esteem? It seems like it would be the opposite because you are taking care of someone and that must make you feel good about yourself, right?

Yes, taking care of someone feels good, if you are doing it in a healthy way. BUT, if you are being codependent in your relationship, you are over-giving. You are over-caring. And you are doing so at the expense of your own mental well-being.

For my client, her addiction to caring for her partner became the central focus of her life. She gave up work, friends, family and her health in an effort to make sure that her man was well taken care of and protected from outside influences. As a result, her self-esteem sank lower and lower because she stopped knowing who she was outside of the relationship.

Before she met him, my client owned a successful business, was an avid tennis player, had tons of friends and was a great mom. Slowly, one at a time, those things fell away. The things that she enjoyed she stopped doing. Her work suffered as did her children. And, as a result, she felt worse and worse about herself.

Ironically, the lower her self-esteem sank, the more she engaged in the codependent behaviors because, perversely, those behaviors, she believed, would make her feel better about herself.

#5 – An inability to communicate.

The inability to communicate is, like low self-esteem, one of the top three indicators that your relationship is toxic. Communication in a relationship is the thing that holds it together. Not being able to communicate can kill even the healthiest relationship.

As a couple falls into these codependent behaviors, they stop communicating in any meaningful way. Because their lives are basically an illusion, their individual behaviors are based on addiction or caregiving, or some other similar cycle, a couple in a codependent relationship just can’t go there,they can’t talk about their relationship or, usually, anything at all.

And what happens as communications fails in a relationship? Nothing but a big huge mess.

The caregiver tip toes around their partner, trying to keep them happy and safe. The person who is struggling might feel guilty or angry or ashamed or unaware of the efforts of their partner and, because they are struggling, they might project the their issues on to their partner.

From there it is a slow, slippery slide down into chaos, into a codependent relationship that is so toxic that one wonders if anyone can emerge from it intact.

So, if you find that you and your partner can’t communicate about anything, other than perhaps the weather, you are most likely being codependent in your relationship.

Recognizing the signs that you are being codependent in your relationship is a key way to either prevent yourself, or to escape from, that toxic relationship.

In the case of my client, she was able to eventually get away from her partner. Her self-esteem was left in tatters but she wasn’t experiencing this codependency day in and day out so she was able to start to heal.

So, look out for the signs in your relationship. Do you over-give or take care of your person in a way to keep them happy or to protect them? Are you dependent on that caregiving for your own happiness? Are you struggling with who you are in the world? Can you not talk about any of it with your partner? If any, or all, of these signs are present, you might very well be being codependent in your relationship.

I can tell you that codependency does not have to be forever and it doesn’t have to mean the death of a relationship. If both parties recognize the codependent behavior, and are willing to make change, a good therapist or life coach can work with you to alter your behaviors. That being said, if only one person wants to make change, chances are that the relationship will stay codependent and toxic.

So, take a good look at the state of your relationship so that you can decide if you want to stay and make it work or get on with your life, toward finding a healthy relationship so that you can be happy!

You can do it!

5 Surprising Signs That Your Relationship is Solid

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Are you looking to the universe to show you signs that your relationship is solid?

You are not alone! We all want to believe that the relationship we are in is solid that we have found OUR PERSON.

Unfortunately, we often fool ourselves into thinking that something that feels awesome ‘most of the time’ or where the sex is good or where things are great when they are great is a solid relationship, only to be disappointed when it ends in heartbreak like all of the others before.

Knowing the signs that your relationship is solid is the best way to stop fooling yourself and walk away from a relationship that isn’t any good or celebrating if it is and moving forward with confidence.

Here are 5 surprising signs that your relationship is solid so that you will know, once and for all, if you should stay or if you should go.

#1 - You can be yourself, always.

Be honest. How many times have you twisted yourself into a pretzel in a relationship, trying to be someone who you aren’t?

How many times have you tried to act chill when you are not really? Have you worn high heels when you are a flats kind of girl? How many times have you pretended to like music that you hate?

It is a huge sign that your relationship is solid when you don’t have to be anything other than the person you are. Why? Because, when you are in a solid relationship, your person will love you exactly the way you are.

When I first met my ex-husband I definitely wasn’t the real me. I tried to act chill when he couldn’t spend time with me, I started listening to music that he liked, I hung out with his friends even though they drove me nuts, and I never complained about his family. And then, once we got married, I started to be more true to myself. As a result, I wasn’t the person who he fell in love with and now we are divorced!

In my current relationship, I am all that I am - impatient, kind, caring, a lover of Broadway tunes, and someone who works ALL the time. My boyfriend is very different from me but he loves me for exactly who I am, my work obsessions and all.

So, if you feel like you can be yourself, always, it’s a big sign that your relationship is solid.

#2 - You are self-confident.

I have a client who I am on the phone with almost every day. She and her boyfriend generally text throughout the day, and on the days that the texting is intermittent, she is a mess.

She believes that if she doesn’t hear from him, he no longer likes her, even though they woke up together that morning. If she doesn’t hear from him, she starts feeling needy and unloved. If she doesn’t hear from him, she makes up stories in her head about how she is not worthy. And she refuses to ask him to stay in touch during the day because she doesn’t want to seem needy.

If you are in a solid relationship, you won’t ever feel that way. You won’t feel that you are less than if you don’t hear from your person for a few hours. And you won’t ever feel needy when you ask for what you want because you know that you deserve it.

What you will feel instead is the self-confidence that comes from being fully loved and supported. How amazing would that feel?

#3 - You feel safe and steady.

Did you wake up this morning feeling really good? Did you kiss your boyfriend as you headed out the door, happy and not worried about your relationship? Was your mind free to focus on what was in front of you instead of obsessing about something he said last night?

Or did you seek reassurance from your person that you would hear from them during the day, that you would spend the night together, that they really loved you, that they wanted to be with you forever?

Someone who is in a solid relationship will feel safe and steady. Instead of always being on edge because they are unsure if things are good, a person in a solid relationship feels safe and secure in it. While there might be occasional disagreements, they know that their person is there and that they have their back. That gives them the confidence to feel good about their relationship so that they can focus on other things!

#4 - You believe that you can accomplish anything.

One thing I have noticed over the course of my solid relationship is how powerful I feel. How I feel like I can take on the world. How I know that nothing will get in the way if I don’t let it.

Why? Because my boyfriend supports me 100%. And he tells me over and over and shows me by giving me the freedom to pursue my passions.

This has definitely not always happened in the past. I have been in relationships with men that made me feel unsteady. Relationships that were up and down and where I wasn’t always sure of my place in it. As a result, I didn’t believe in myself to the extent that I wanted to. While my life was good enough, I wasn’t living up to my true potential.

In retrospect, I know that I was strong enough to live up to my true potential on my own, but I didn’t know it. Being in a solid relationship has helped me to see that I am, to truly believe it, and to be successful.

#5 - You look to the future with hope.

Do you struggle every day with feelings of hopelessness? Do you look ahead to the next hour, day, week, month, or even year, with dread?

Do you dread the weekend because you aren’t sure if you are going to see him? Do you dread Christmas because your partner doesn’t like your family? Do you worry if you will be able to talk him into having kids?

Do you worry that this relationship won’t work out and do you believe that if it doesn’t, you will never love or be loved again?

If you feel this way, this is a sign that you don’t have a solid relationship. Someone in a solid relationship is someone who looks forward with hope. Who knows that the weekend will be amazing, even if you are just staying home. Who knows that you are on the same page as your partner about the future and that it feels good. And who knows that, no matter what, your relationship will prevail.

If you feel any sense of hopelessness or dread about the future, it is definitely a sign that you aren’t in a solid relationship and that it might be time to walk away.

So, now that I have shared the 5 surprising signs that you are in a solid relationship, do you have a better sense of what kind of relationship you are in?

It is very important to be honest with ourselves about the state of our relationship. It is so easy to ignore the red flags, to justify behaviors, to make excuses to keep your relationship intact. But if you do those things, you will only be wasting your time, hoping that your relationship can grow into something it’s not.

Furthermore, don’t kid yourself if you felt the things that I listed above at the beginning of the relationship but not so much now. It is not unusual to feel that way in the beginning but if things change as the relationship evolves, don’t try to kid yourself that things can be that way again. Things never go back to the way they were in the beginning. Sorry.

I always tell my clients that it’s important that they love the person who is right there in front of them, not the person they were or the person they could be. If the person right there in front of you is all the things I wrote about above, then you are in the solid relationship that you have always sought.

Well done!

 

How to Forgive Yourself after an Affair – Even if it Seems Unlikely

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I know that it is probably inconceivable to you that you could forgive yourself after an affair.

I mean, you have gone against everything you thought you knew about yourself and you are, most likely, stuck in this place of self-loathing.

What I can tell you is that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair, that there will come a time when you will be able to hold your head up high and trust yourself again. You just need to take some action steps to get there.

Here are 5 ways to forgive yourself after an affair. You can do it!

#1 – Have compassion for yourself.

I am guessing that you probably hate yourself right now. You have let yourself, and everyone you know, down and it's something that you never would have expected of yourself.

I am also guessing that you believe that you are stupid and weak and immoral and friendless and you are feeling embarrassed and angry and sad and overwhelmed.

And all of those things are natural. They are the things that we think and feel when we have let ourselves, and those around us, down.

But I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. After all, you are only human!

I had a client who was absolutely destroyed that she had had an affair. Both of her parents cheated, and she never thought that she would do the same. But she did.

What we came to realize as we talked about it was that she had been really struggling. Her mother just died, her kids were teenagers, the finances were tight. And, as a result, she was vulnerable to doing something self-destructive to mask the way she was feeling. Usually, she used ice cream or wine to self-soothe but this time it was different. This time it was a man and an affair.

This is not to say that she dove right into the affair. She and this man were friends. They confided in each other. She could explain to him what she was struggling with in a way that she couldn't explain it to her husband. She felt safe with him. She trusted him.

She barely even noticed that she was developing feelings for him until one day, out of the blue, he kissed her. Before you knew it, they were on the slippery slope down to infidelity.

Why I am telling you her story is this - my client never set out to have an affair. She was in a really dark place, vulnerable, and she opened herself up to someone else for comfort. She was not an evil person - she was a person in the world, a vulnerable person who made a mistake.

Having compassion for yourself is not justifying your cheating but, rather, it is a way for you to forgive yourself after an affair. If you can understand that you are only human, that you were in a place where you needed something to help you cope, and that you never set out to be unfaithful, then you will be well on your way to forgiving yourself.

#2 – Commit to walking away.

I know that for most of my clients who are having an affair, walking away is the hardest thing to do.

'But I love him,' they say. 'How can I live without him?'

Because they believe that their affair partner is the only person who can make them happy, they can't walk away. As a result, they just continue this cycle of letting themselves down which, in turn, only leads to more self-hatred.

I truly believe that the reason it's so hard to walk away from an affair is not because of your affair partner but because of the person you are when you are with them.

Think about it. Think about who you are in real life. Are you a mother, a brother, an employee, a chauffeur? Do you volunteer and work long hours and struggle with finances and have no sex life? Has it been years since you have really felt like yourself?

When people have affairs, they suddenly become re-acquainted with the person they used to be. They feel happy, hopeful, sexy, beautiful, wanted, special. And that is what is so hard to walk away from - being that person again.

So, I encourage you to, if you want to forgive yourself after an affair, walk away from your person. I know that you think that you can't live without that person, but consider trying to love yourself - to stay in touch with the person you were in the affair when you are out of it.

If you can be the person who you want to be in life, you won't need something else that isn't good for you. Something that alternately makes you feel good about yourself for a few minutes and then filled with self-hatred a few minutes later!

#3 – Dig into the source.

As I said before, many people who have an affair are people who are in a rough spot. People who were struggling with issues before the affair even started.

One of my clients was in a really tough spot. She was depressed, lonely, lost and unsure what to do about it. It seemed that, no matter what she tried, she couldn't get out of this spot. We tried working together to get through this but then she disappeared.

By the time she reappeared, she was having an affair. She had embarked on one when we were still talking but she had stopped coming because she was in this affair and it was making her feel good about herself, feel loved and feel connected again. She figured she didn't need me anymore.

But then she came back. Why? Because her affair no longer made her feel that way. Instead, her affair has started to make her feel even worse.

Why is it that you got into your affair? I am guessing that it's not something that you set out to do but something that happened over time, something that you thought you could manage.

It is important to identify what you are struggling with, what might have been the thing that made you vulnerable to infidelity.

For my client, she had just returned from living overseas and she was struggling with re-entry. She felt like she no longer fit in with her community and she felt lonely and lost. I explained to her that, in order to forgive yourself after an affair, it is essential that you take a good hard look at where you were in the world that would allow you to go someplace that you never thought you would go.

So, what are you struggling with that might have made you vulnerable to infidelity? Think about it. Seek to get help to work on it. If you can soothe yourself, instead of looking to your affair partner to do so, you will be way more likely to forgive yourself after an affair!

#4 – Be honest.

Part of forgiving yourself after an affair is starting to like yourself again. Starting to act like the person you want to be in the world. A person who people can respect. Not the person you are now that you are in an affair.

So, how can you do that if you aren't honest with yourself and your partner? If you can't take ownership of what has happened and the hurt that you have caused?

I have a client whose husband had an affair. It had happened a while back but they had never been able to work through it because he refuses to talk about it. She so wants to, so that she can understand what happened but he just won't get into it.

And, what has happened as a result? Their marriage is actually getting worse and not better because every time he isn't honest with his wife he knows that he is letting her down. He knows that by acting like the affair wasn't a big deal he is only hurting his wife more. And that definitely isn't helping him forgive himself.

So, be honest with yourself and with those around you about your affair. It is important that you all have the space and time to process what has happened so that you can work through it and so that you can forgive yourself and maybe even be forgiven!

#5 – Give it time.

The old saying that 'time heals all wounds' is an accurate one. While the pain of the fact that you had an affair might always be with you, over time the pain will dull and you will be able to go on with your life.

That being said, you can't just sit there and wait for time to pass. It is important that you do the work that you need to do to work through what has happened and why you had an affair. It is essential that you are honest with yourself and with others about the affair and its aftermath. It is important that you work to get in touch with the person you were before the affair, before the struggles started. The person who you looked at in the mirror and liked.

If you can do these things, if you can do things that make you feel good about yourself and strong and capable and not vulnerable to things that aren't good for you, then time will truly heal all wounds.

As you continue to be the person you want to be, to get stronger, to own up to your mistakes, you will find that forgiving yourself after an affair is possible.

I hope that now you know that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair.

Getting to that place of forgiveness is all on you, though. You have to do the hard work. This guilt won't just pass.

But, if you have read this far, I am guessing that you are determined to make change, to do what you need to do, to move forward and forgive yourself.

You can do it!

5 Ways His Mother Can Poison Your Relationship (Even if She Doesn’t Mean To)

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When I got engaged, I remember so well when a friend of mine said to me: Just so you know, there are ways that his mother can poison your relationship even if she doesn’t mean to.

I remember thinking yeah, sure, but that won’t happen to us.Boy, was I wrong.

Mother in laws aren’t inherently evil and have developed a bad rap. But I know that my mother-in-law did play a role in the health of my marriage and I wish I had known then what I know now!

Here are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship and some things that you can do to stop that poison in its tracks before it kills.

#1 – She has always done things just so.

I know that when I was growing up, my mother always did things just so.Christmas Eve involved a party, Christmas carols, one present and midnight mass. We never turned the heat on until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for immediate family. No one was required to eat everything on their plate. That was just how things were. And, as a result, that is how I was when I went into my marriage.

And, over the course of my ex husband’s life, my mother in law did things just so,” but her just so” didn’t match mine. And that definitely caused some friction in our relationship.

My ex-husband did not care how we did Christmas or birthday parties or when we turned the heat on; he would go along with whatever. Unfortunately, often, his mom’s whatever and mine were quite different. And, of course, I wanted to do things my way, my mom’s way. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.

What did my ex do? He tried to keep his head down and stay out of the conflict. As a result, my mother-in-law and I struggled in a big way over the first few years of my marriage. Did that poison my relationship with my husband? Definitely.

As the years went on, I learned to adapt. I learned to pick and choose what I wanted to do just so and let her have some wins on that one too. It worked to keep the peace between us but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that was present in the years before we worked things out.

#2 – They go way back.

Like it or not, your husband and his mother go WAAAAY back.

At one point in his life, she was his everything and he hers.

She taught him to walk and talk and eat and swim and read and drive. She was there for all of the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set on him!

I can tell you that my favorite man in the WHOLE WORLD is my son and he most likely always will be. (sorry boyfriend). It is hard for me to fathom that someday he will be with someone who he will love intensely, who he will turn to when he is sad, happy, excited or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the hell out of me. Because that is who I always was to him.

So, if you are wondering how his mother can poison your relationship, know that this is a thing. That she was there first and that her love for him is intense. And, you filling her shoes might be intensely painful.

If your man’s mother is causing conflict in your relationship, know that it might be based on this pain that losing her son to another woman is something that she has to get used to. I would encourage you to just be as kind and patient with her as you can give her some time to get used to the new reality.

If you can be kind during this period of transition instead of angry and offended, I think you will find that your relationship with your partner will be stronger because of it.

#3 – He might have conflicted allegiances.

Again, your man and his mother go way back. He has loved her his whole life and she has always been there for him. I am guessing that he would do anything for her. I know that my son would do anything for me.

So, imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life another woman he loves intensely who he would do anything for. And imagine if both of those women were asking different things of him.

Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but one of their strong points is not managing conflict between women. Remember, women spend every minute of every day of their life processing emotions. For us, we are fluent in it.

But men, not so much. For them, conflict is a scary, scary thing and something to be avoided at all costs!

So, when your man is presented with having to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most in the world, imagine how paralyzed he would be. He, most likely, doesn’t have the skills that he needs to navigate what is happening between the two of you. So ,what does he do? He just doesn’t deal. And what does that do? It makes the conflict worse.

If you find that your man is really struggling between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, recognize it for what it is. Have some compassion.Help him work through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all   that’s what couples do.

#4 – You might be jealous.

So, be honest with yourself. Are you just a little bit jealous of your guy’s mother? Are you perhaps jealous of all of their years together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he spends an hour every Sunday night on the phone with her, rearranging your schedules to do so?

If you are, don’t be hard on yourself. The jealousy is totally natural.

A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid and it can be a very intimidating one to come into. And we often come into relationships with men who are close to their mothers thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like dating a man who has a daughter, knowing that your guy has another woman who he loves like he does you can be off putting.

But I can tell you this. Everyone, everyone, has the capacity to love fully. Just because your man has big love for his mother, or his daughter, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a space in his heart   there is lots of room in there for all of you,” even if there were others in there first.

As a result, one way that his mother can poison your relationship actually has to do with YOU not with HER. Let me tell you how.

The last time that you and your man got into a scuffle about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him If you loved me more you would put me first?Or did you think to yourself that there is no way he could possible really love you if he didn’t automatically choose you every time?

If the answer to either of those statements is yes then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your man, not his mother. That you are insisting that the amount that he loves you is reflected by whether or not he chooses you over her. And tell yourself that, or, even worse, telling him, will only tear your relationship apart.

Your man can lovely you fully and completely and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in navigating it!

#5 – You are just two women in the world.

My father once said to me If we weren’t family we wouldn’t be friends. Lovely thing to hear from your father, no?

That being said, those words gave me pause they really made me think about the difference between friends and family.

Your friends you choose, your family you are given.

So, another way his mother can poison your relationship is if the two of you do not see eye to eye. If you most likely wouldn’t have been friends out in the real world then being getting along in this familial relationship will be even more challenging.

My step mother and I have had conflict for years. She has always hated my relationship with my father and has made my life miserable for 35 years (as I am sure I have done to her). What I realized as I became an adult is that we never would have been friends out in the real world. We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have kept moving. Just because my dad brought her into our world that didn’t mean that we would get along.

So, think about this. Might it be that you and your partner’s mother are just plain different that you might never be friends in the real world? If so, take that into account. Just because you are now (somewhat) related doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends.

Treat your man’s mother like you would a work colleague you didn’t really get along with. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational and know that, at the end of the day, you will go home with your partner and that she will go home to her house.

She doesn’t have to be your best friend; you already have plenty of those!

So, there are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship, even if she does not mean to.

Relationships are complicated and none more so that the relationship of two women who love the same man mother,”son, or father/daughter.

What I can tell you is this you will never be able to change another woman’s behavior. You can only change your reaction to her behavior.

I would encourage you to recognized that she and her son go way back and that having you as part of their twosome is a new thing for everyone, something that will take some getting used to. Know that your man doesn’t really have the skills that he needs to mediate your relationship and that your jealousy might be playing a part of this situation. And know that you and your man’s mother might never be friends and that’s ok. Accept that and figure out a way to live with it people do it at work all the time.

Don’t let your partner’s mother poison your relationship. Change your reactions to her behavior, work together with your partner as to how to best manage the situation and know that there is room in his heart for both of you! I promise!

Why It’s Hard to Break Up with Someone Even if You Don’t Love Them

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Are you completely flummoxed about why it’s hard to break up someone, even if you don’t love them?

Do you think that it should be easy? I mean, you don’t love them and you want to find someone you do love, so breaking up should be easy, right?

Over my years of coaching clients in this exact position, I have come to learn that there are 5 clear reasons why it’s hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them. Knowing and understanding them might help you be able to take the step and break up with them so that you can both move on.

#1 – The idea of hurting them feels bad.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don’t love and the one that frustrates me the most because it’s not a good reason!

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It is really amazing. And, almost without exception, especially if they sleep with him, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And do you know what he does? He doesn’t tell them he isn’t interested.He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is afraid to hurt them.

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth.  Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don’t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#2 – You don’t want to mess up your friend group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people who find it hard to break up with someone it’s because of the effect that it will have on their friend group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren’t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn’t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren’t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love because of your friends, don’t. Move on. It might be tough in the short term but, in the long term, it is the right thing to do for both of your future happiness!

#3 -You are hoping things will change.

This is a really hard to accept reason why you can’t break up with someone that doing so will mean that you have accept that things might never change, that as much as you hope they will go back to the way things were or improve in the future, they won’t.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn’t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn’t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn’t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams as a result.

So, if you still hope that your relationship will change, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on the quality of your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it’s the first, keep fighting. If it’s the second, it’s time to move on.

#4 – You believe that you will never love, or be loved, again.

This might one of the primary reasons that you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love.

I don’t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn’t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking, in high school, that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn’t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can’t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to be unhappy because, if you are stuck in this relationship, you won’t be able to find someone else.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, know that, if you do, if you can find the strength to do so, you will be way more likely to find the person of your dreams.

#5 – You are worried that you are making a mistake.

I have a client who has been in a relationship with a man since the start of Covid, March 2020.

Within months she knew that this was not the guy for her. He wasn’t employed, his politics were way off, she always had to pay for things, he would gaslight her horribly and pitifully apologize for what he had said. She was miserable and wanted out in a big way. But she couldn’t break up with him.

Why? Because she was worried that she was making a mistake. From the outside looking in, I knew that she wasn’t making a mistake but there was nothing I could do to convince her; she was just too close to it all to see clearly.

My client had been told by her parents over and over that she made stupid decisions. No matter what the choice she made they second guessed her. As a result, she really struggles with the wisdom of her decision to break up with him, even if she no longer loves him.

To deal with this, I encouraged her to look at past relationships, ones that she ultimately ended. Did it take her awhile to take action but she is glad that she did? And the answer was definitely yes. She managed to leave her husband after being unhappy for years. And, as a result, she was much happier. Recognizing this has helped her see that she can trust her own instincts, for her own happiness.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, it might be because you are worried that you are making a mistake. If this is you, push back on those fears. Look at past relationships that you managed to get out of and see if, ultimately, you made a mistake.

I am guessing probably not!

Finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them is not unusual.

I mean, you have all of this time invested in the relationship and you don’t like to give up on anything.

But you can do it! Knowing the signs will help.

If you are worried about hurting them and you don’t want to mess up your friend group, if you are hoping for change and worried that you are making a mistake or, worst of all, if you are worried that you will never love or be loved again, these are all reasons why breaking up is so difficult.

But you can do it. If you can accept that there will be some pain and uncomfortableness around a break up, if you can believe that you will be loved again, if you can have confidence that you aren’t making a mistake, then you will be able to break up with the person you don’t love and find a relationship that will make you happy!

5 Ways to Help a Friend Who is Depressed After a Break Up

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Good for you for trying to figure out how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up.

The second worst thing in the world, after getting depressed over our own break-up, is watching a friend suffer through one. We have been there, and we know how much it hurts, and our hearts go out to them.

What we don't always know is the best way to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up. The path to break-up recovery is full of minefields, and as a friend, you want to help them through it and not make things worse.

To that end, here are ways to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up, ways that will get them through these dark times quicker, without leading to you ending up in the dog house for your efforts.

#1 - Consider what would you want...

When you have a friend who is depressed after a breakup, sometimes you feel helpless about how to help. One thing I would suggest is asking yourself what you would want.

I remember when my 13-year-old daughter's best friend had a terrible break-up. My 13-year-old had never had a boyfriend, but the first thing she told her friend to do was to get some ice cream.

When she told me that, I knew that that was probably the first thing I would tell a friend as well, but I wondered how she knew, considering she had never had her heart broken.

'That's what I would want if I was feeling sad,' she said. Brilliant.

So, think about what you would want if you were in the same place. I know that I would want to cry for a bit and then go out for a drink (or 5) with friends and rag on him and then go to the movies. I would eat Pad Thai and French fries and block him on my phone. I would suggest all of those things to my friend and see what stuck.

#2 – ...but ask them what they want too.

I know that above I suggested doing things for your friend that you would want done for you, but sometimes what we would want just isn’t helpful at all. As a result, your friend could actually feel worse, being forced to do the things that would make YOU feel better.

So ask your friend what they need from you during these dark times. Do they want you around, or do they want you to go home? Do they want you to help them make a list of how horrible their ex is, or do they want to reminisce about how wonderful things were in the beginning? Do they want pizza or ice cream? Knowing what they want is the best way that we can help a friend in distress.

Of course, it's often hard to see what would work when we are in such a dark place, so your friend might say they don't know what they want. If that happens, go back to what you would want and see if any of those things appeal. You are friends, after all, so they just might.

#3 - Give them space.

Our tendency, when someone we love is hurting, is to hover over them, ready to take care of them. For women, especially, the inclination to make someone stop hurting is intense.

Unfortunately, many people err on the side of too much. They hover, waiting to do something that their person might want. They insist on sleeping over or staying for dinner or they do dishes or laundry or walk the dog, all in the attempt to help their person.

And, often, that just makes their person sadder.

So, pay attention to the signs. Yes, we like to have people around when we are in a dark place, but if you see any signs that you are being annoying, act on them. Make yourself scarce.

#4 - Listen to them and don't try to fix them.

The number one worst thing that we can do when someone we love is depressed is to try to fix them. We so want to help, and yet, by trying to fix them, we tend to take only makes things worse.

Think about when you are feeling bad, no matter what the reason. Doesn't it just piss you off when someone says 'it's all going to be ok,' or 'get over it' or 'relax' or 'move on.' All of those things seem like platitudes and only make us feel horrible.

Even worse is when people start questioning your choices. 'How can you be crying over that asshole?' 'Eating ice cream on the couch is a waste of time.' 'If you just take a shower we will go out and you will feel better.'

I 100% support you in the desire to help your friend who is depressed after a break-up, or for any reason, but thinking that you can fix them, or that they want to be fixed, will only make them feel worse about themselves, and all that trying to fix will do is drive a wedge between you.

So, listen to what they say, give them empathy, let them know that you are there but don't try to fix them. They need to be broken for a while, and it's up to them to fix themselves when they are ready.

#5 - Model healthy behaviors.

As I said above, trying to fix someone when they are feeling depressed will only backfire. Even if you believe that your friend needs to get out of the house and start living again, telling them so will only ground them further into their couch.

So, what should you do instead? You should do the things that you want your friend to do.

Imagine if you were feeling sad and your friend told you that it was time for you to get up and go for a walk with her, that it would make her feel better. How would that make you feel, having someone tell you what you needed to do to feel better? Not so good.

Instead, I would tell your friend that you are going for a walk and getting some ice cream. Paint a picture of what a perfect day it is for it and how good that chocolate chip is going to taste. By doing this, you are using the power of suggestion, planting the idea in her head that these things might be fun instead of telling her. That way, she might actually decide to go because she thinks that it's her idea. And if she doesn't go that time, she might just go the next time. On her own terms!

Knowing how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up is hard.

There is truly nothing worse than a broken heart - we have all been there, and we know - and seeing someone suffer from one is devastating.

But remember, this is your friend's journey. You won't be able to fix them. You can be by their side, encouraging them and supporting them, but ultimately it will be up to them to take the steps that they need to take to get past the break-up and move on.

So, be a friend - be there for them, but don't try to fix them. Ask them what they need and don't tell them what you think they need. And when they don't want you around, respect that.

And remember - your friend will be fine. It might take a while, but be patient. You know that no one ever dies from a broken heart. And your friend won’t either.

Life does go on, after all!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Surprising Signals that Your Relationship is Toxic and it’s Time to Run

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Are you looking for signals that your relationship is toxic?

Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are just too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can see the signals that your relationship is toxic and make the hard choice about whether to stay or go.

Here are 5 surprising signals that your relationship is toxic, five signals that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You find yourself tip toeing around.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action sand feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like, she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends lots of time in the garage, knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear signal that your relationship is toxic.

No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is at an all time low.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic, we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases, it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. They are like a thousand little cuts that might not bleed much but that ultimately leave you bloodless.

She no longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a signal that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – You are always sick.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not feeling loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eating well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a signal that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider whether it’s time to run, maybe to literally save your life.

#4 – You see substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be paid attention to. And not just signs of substance abuse in your partner but in yourself.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to drugs, alcohol and infidelity to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

Furthermore, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – You no longer have friends.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, your individual friends may pull away from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing you from entering a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is our reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what the next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends, you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

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