5 Reasons You Still Miss Your Ex After a Year

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You are not alone if you still miss your ex after a year. I know you might be judging yourself because you do but DON’T.

Societal pressure makes us believe that it is not okay to mourn. We are expected to get over a hurt and move on. And if we can’t, it makes us feel bad about ourselves. And feeling bad about ourselves will only hinder forward progress.

Understanding why you still miss your ex after a year will help you understand and hopefully forgive yourself so that you can move forward and find the love of your life.

#1 -You have regrets.

I have a client who is full of regrets. Years ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and ultimately left him for another man. At the time it felt like the right thing to do but now she is full of regrets.

My client didn’t get to the place where she was unfaithful in a void. Her boyfriend had broken promises to her, made plans for his future that did not include her and didn’t make her a priority when she needed him. Because of this, she was driven into the arms of another man. And she left.

What she struggles with most is that she was unfaithful. In retrospect, it feels incredibly selfish to her. She feels like if she had talked to him about how she was feeling, instead of looking outside the relationship, they might have made it.

And, if they had made it, they would have been living happily ever after.

What I am here to say is that regrets will get you nowhere. My client believes that, if she had talked to him instead of fooling around, then they would be living happily ever after. But, she just doesn’t know that.

There were already cracks in her relationship that were starting to show He was making choices without her and not making her a priority. Who is to say that those behaviors wouldn’t have continued. Or that, if they did fix things, a job on the other side of the country or the death of parent or another person might have thrown a wrench in that relationship.

Regretting what could have been is a waste of time because you are regretting something that might not have even happened.

If you are still missing your ex after a year, know that it might be because of regrets, about holding on to something that might have been, something that just really is something that you have made up in your head.

#2 – You are lying to yourself.

I believe that my client who regrets letting go of her ex has reinvented her relationship in her head.

She talks to me about how wonderful he was, how she knew he was going to do big things, that she loved him madly and that they were each other’s soul mates. As a result, she stills misses him.

The reality is, however, that they had plans to move to New York City after college but instead, without telling her, he applied to schools in San Francisco. His father died and, without talking to her, he made arrangements to live with his mother. She was feeling left behind and questioning herself in the relationship and he made her feel forgotten and unloved.

Be honest with yourself. Is the ex who you are missing really the ex that they were? If you miss your vacations together and the presents he gave you and that one fun concert you went to, are you perhaps missing those things instead of the person?

I have a client who was feeling really sad because she went to a concert that her husband had bought tickets to before he died suddenly. She told me how sad she was that they weren’t at the concert together but then she realized that, if they had been, he would have gotten drunk and sloppy and she would have had to get him home. She didn’t miss him so much after that.

So take stock Do you miss the person your ex was or the experiences that you had together? Seeing the difference might help you move on.

#3 – You haven’t found someone else.

The number one way to get over someone is to find someone else. Of course, we are told that we should find ourselves before we move on, an admirable goal but, I believe, not necessarily the best move to help you move forward.

I know that when I broke up (again) with the married guy I had been seeing for two years, the only reason that I was finally able to make it stick was because someone else appeared in my life. That person was able to distract me from thoughts about my ex and keep me busy and make me feel loved.

Have you met someone else? Have you even put yourself out there to date? Or do you spend your nights and weekends mourning your ex and regretting what might have been?

If you are still doing so, it makes sense that you are still missing your ex after a year.

#4 – You are unhappy in a relationship.

My client who had been regretting letting go of her ex even did find someone else. She met him during the pandemic and they are now living together, talking about marriage and babies. But their life together is difficult and she talks to me often about breaking up with him.

I have noticed over the past few months, as their relationship has become more difficult, that she is missing her ex more than usual. She compares their relationship to the one she is in currently and it is making her question everything.

What I suggested to her is that the reason she suddenly misses her ex is because she is unhappy with her boyfriend, that idealizing someone who she walked away from a few years back is actually helping her justify why she is unhappy that if she had just chosen differently she would be happy.

So, have you found someone but is your relationship struggling? An unhappy relationship can drive us back to the past and it’s no wonder that you still miss your ex after a year.

#5 – You aren’t happy in your life.

I have another client who has found that she still misses her ex after a year and it is driving her nuts.

She had put herself out there, met some great guys, built a life for herself in another city why hasn’t she just moved on?

My client had dated her guy in college. They were the golden couple everyone wanted to be them. She was popular and social. She excelled at her work and dominated at sports. He was the same. Life was grand.

Now, she had a great job and a great apartment and a boyfriend but her life is different. She doesn’t have the kind of friends she had in college. She doesn’t get the adulation she got when her lacrosse team won a game. The high life that she lived in college is gone, and she misses it. And her ex was a part of that life she missed!

Where are you in your life? Are you happy with it outside of any relationship? Do you have a social life that pleases you? Do you like your apartment and your job and are you living up to your potential? If any of things are missing, or you are dissatisfied elsewhere, it could be the reason you still miss your ex after a year.

I would encourage you to take a good look at your life and see what you can do to make it better. If you do, you just might find that you can move on and stop missing your ex.

Still missing your ex after a year is not uncommon but I would encourage you to consider that it’s not necessarily your ex that you miss but something else!

You have regrets for something that you think might have been but something that might not ever have been. You long for the person that you thought they could have been. You aren’t happy in your life and in your relationships.

I would encourage you to take stock of what you really miss about your ex. Is it truly that you miss your ex or are you unhappy with life life you have now?

Taking stock might help you let go of your ex and move forward to find the love that you want!

You can do it!

 

5 Ways to Survive after Your Boyfriend Cheated

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Are you reeling from the discovery that your boyfriend cheated and wondering how you will ever survive the pain that you are feeling? Do you just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear?

I am so sorry if you are feeling this way. I totally get it I have been there, as have many, many women before you. Having your boyfriend cheat on you, and the ensuing heartbreak, is one of the worst things you can go through and it feels like it will never end.

Well, I can promise you that, not only can you survive the fact that your boyfriend cheated but you can even thrive! I know it seems impossible right now but I promise you, you can!

Here are 5 ways to survive, and thrive, after your boyfriend cheated!

#1 – Know that it’s not your fault.

First and foremost, if your boyfriend cheated, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

So many women blame themselves when their boyfriends cheat. They believe that if only they had been hotter, smarter, kinder, more outgoing, around more etc. that their boyfriend would never have cheated.

A client of mine found out that her boyfriend had cheated and the first place that she went was that it was her fault. She had been working too hard and spending lots of time with her friends and she knew that she wasn’t giving him as much attention as he might like. So, she blamed herself for his infidelity.

I reminded her that there are two people in every relationship and that infidelity doesn’t usually happen in a void. I asked her if her boyfriend had spoken to her about the fact that he had been feeling neglected. She said he did not. She was guessing maybe he was but, because he didn’t speak up, she just continued on.

I do believe that if her boyfriend had spoken up, she might have been able to change her behaviors so that he was feeling more settled in the relationship. But he did not speak up; he cheated.

And, I would argue, that cheating is taking the coward’s way out. Instead of communicating with her, my client’s boyfriend looked outside of their relationship to get the connection he wanted.

And that, was not her fault. And neither is your boyfriend’s cheating.

#2 – Talk to him about it.

I am sure that you are torn right now. Part of you wants to yell and scream and walk out the door. Another part of you wants to pretend that none of this happened and just go on with your life. And I am guessing that the idea of talking to your boyfriend in any reasonable way about what happened feels unfathomable.

One of the most important ways to survive after your boyfriend cheated is by talking to him about it. Why? Because it’s important that you each get a chance to talk and be heard. Because, if you can do that, figuring out what next steps are will be easier.

First, you want to listen to what he has to say. He might have nothing to say which might make your decision whether to stay or go easy. But he might very well have something to say that he wants you to hear. Something that he hasn’t said before, like my client above. Either way, it is important that he be given the chance to talk and you must be willing to truly listen.

Secondly, it is very important that you get the opportunity to say what you need to say. It is important that you get to ask questions, that you are able to express your anger and hurt, that you get to say everything that you need to say so that you can move forward, one way or the other, without words being left unsaid.

A key part of how to survive after your boyfriend cheated, whether you stay or not, is to make sure that you have said everything that you want to say, so that you know that you can move forward having been honest with him and with yourself.

All of that being said, if you truly feel that you have nothing to say to your boyfriend, that nothing he could say would make any difference, you don’t have to talk to him. It is within your rights to walk away and never look back. He cheated. You didn’t. You can decide.

#3 – Get some help.

If you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, I would 100% percent encourage you to get some help  a professional who can help you process your feelings and figure out what are your next steps.

Of course, you have your friends and your sister and your mother and your co-workers and the internet and the guy who tends bar down the street. You can talk to all of these people about what happened and each of them will have an opinion to share with you. The thing is, people who aren’t professionals will give you advice based on their own experiences, not necessarily based on your story.

Furthermore, our friends and relatives will generally tell us what we want to hear. If you are feeling sentimental about your person one night, your friend will support you with reasons you can work things out. If you go out with another friend the next night, and express your anger, that friend will give you all sorts of reasons to break up with him.

The more people you ask, the more confused you will get.

And, if you decide to get back together with him, all of those people who you shared your story with will not be so happy to welcome your boyfriend back into the fold.

So, if you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, get some help. Find someone (like me!) who will listen to YOUR story and YOUR feelings and use their professional experience to help you move forward from where you are right now.

Wouldn’t that feel great? To move forward?

#4 – Hold your head high.

As I mentioned before, for many people, when they find out that their boyfriend was unfaithful, they just take to their bed. They are devasted, feeling guilty, scared of people’s judgment and full of self-loathing. Their agenda TV, ice cream and Kleenex boxes.

While I definitely support anyone who needs to retreat when they find out that their boyfriend cheated, I 100% percent recommend that you limit your time doing so. Why? Because isolating will only make you feel worse about yourself and further devastate your self-esteem.

The amount of time that people need to isolate is different but I would definitely encourage you to get up off the couch within a week. If you wait any longer, you just might find yourself permanently attached to it!

So, what do you do when you get off the couch? Anything that would bring you some sort of joy or if not joy, then happiness. And if not even happiness, something that doesn’t feed the misery.

If you like to go for walks, do it. And make yourself a break up playlist to listen to as you do. Spend time with your girlfriends. Go home and let your mom take care of you for a while. Buy yourself something pretty. Plan a trip. Dig into a work project. Whatever it is that will make you feel stronger. Strong enough to move forward.

And, if you haven’t yet had the conversation with your boyfriend, now is the time to start thinking about having it. Having that conversation with him will help you decide what the next steps are in your relationship.

#5 – Get on with your life.

Yes, your boyfriend cheated. And it sucks. But that doesn’t mean that this infidelity has to ruin your life and affect your future. And you are the only one who can prevent that from happening.

I know that right now you feel betrayed. You feel like this person who you gave your heart to broke it. And you believe that you will never be able to love or be loved again. The idea of trusting someone else is inconceivable.

And that is how you feel right now but it doesn’t have to define how you will feel in the future if you don’t let it.

How many people do you know who go into relationships with chips on their shoulders because of past issues with an ex? They have been hurt and they will never let that happen again, so they put up walls. And what does that do? Damage, or end, the next relationship and the next and maybe even the next.

I always tell my clients that people are only human and humans are fallible. We all make stupid decisions that we regret. And sometimes that human being makes a mistake that affects you. And that can very damaging.

If you can try to recognize that that one person, one human being, made a mistake, that it doesn’t mean that every other man in the universe is going to be unfaithful, you will have a much easier time moving on with your life, being happy and finding love again.

If you stay mired in the past, making decisions around one person’s infidelity, you might never move on and find the love that you want.

You don’t want that do you?

So now you see, there are ways to survive after your boyfriend cheated.

I know it seems inconceivable but it’s true.

This moment is one moment in your life. It doesn’t have to define you. You can take what happened, learn from it and get on with your life.

When my ex found another girlfriend, I was forever framing it as the fact that he had left me. That was how I felt it was. And, while, technically, it was true, in reality our relationship hadn’t been perfect. So, I started to frame it not that he left but that we ended it. Which, ultimately, is what we did! That reframing helped me move on so I could use my coping skills to survive and thrive!

You can do it too! Make sure that you accept that this is not your fault. Talk to him about it (if you want to). Get some help outside of your social circle. Hold your head high and move forward with confidence.

This one thing doesn’t have to define you. It is a small blip in your long life. Remember that.

The life, and love, that you want is out there waiting for you!

5 Ways Your Mother In Law Can Damage Your Marriage – Even if She Doesn’t Mean to

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When I got engaged, I remember so well when a friend of mine told me that there are many ways that your mother-in-law can damage your marriage, even if she doesn’t want to.

I remember thinking yeah, sure, but that won’t happen to us. Boy, was I wrong?

Mothers-in-law’s are not inherently evil and have developed a bad rep. But I know that my mother-in-law did play a role in the health of my marriage, and I wish I had known then what I know now!

Here are 5 ways your mother-in-law can damage your marriage and some things that you can do to stop that from happening.

#1 – She knows how she wants things.

I know that when I was growing up, my mother wanted things a certain way.

Christmas eve involved a party, Christmas carols, one present and midnight mass. We never turned the heat on until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for immediate family. No one was required to eat anything on their plate. That was just how things were. And, as a result, that is how I was when I went into my marriage.

And, over the course of my ex-husband’s life, his mother did things her way and her way didn’t match mine. And that definitely caused some friction in our marriage.

My ex-husband did not care how we did Christmas or birthday parties or when we turned the heat on he would go along with whatever. Unfortunately, often, his mother’s whatever and mine were quite different. And, of course, I wanted to do things my way, my mother’s way. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.

What did my ex do? He tried to keep his head down and stay out of the conflict. As a result, my mother-in-law and I struggled in a big way over the first few years of my marriage. Did that poison my relationship with my husband? Definitely.

As the years went on, I learned to adapt. I learned to pick and choose what I wanted to do my way and let her have some wins on that one too. It worked to keep the peace between us but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that was present in the years before we worked things out.

#2- They had 18 years together.

Like it or not, your husband and his mother go WAY back.

At one point in his life, she was his everything and he hers.

She taught him to walk and talk and eat and swim and read and drive. She was there for all of the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set on him!

I can tell you that my favorite man in the WHOLE WORLD is my son and he most likely always will be. (sorry boyfriend). It is hard for me to fathom that someday he will be with someone who he will love intensely, who he will turn to when he is sad, happy, excited or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the hell out of me. Because that is who I always was to him.

So, if you are wondering how your mother in law can damage your marriage, know that this is a thing. That she was there first and that her love for him is intense. And, you filling her shoes might be intensely painful for her.

If your man’s mother is causing conflict in your marriage, know that it might be based on this pain that losing her son to another woman is something that she has to get used to. I would encourage you to just be as kind and patient with her as you can give her some time to get used to the new reality.

If you can be kind during this period of transition, instead of angry and offended, I think you will find that your relationship with your partner will be stronger because of it.

#3 – Conflicting allegiances.

Again, your man and his mother go way back. He has loved her his whole life and she has always been there for him. I am guessing that he would do anything for her. I know that my son would do anything for me.

So, imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life another woman he loves intensely who he would do anything for. And imagine if both of those women were asking different things of him.

Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but managing conflict between women is not one of their strong points. Remember, women spend every minute of every day processing emotions. For us, we are fluent in it.

But men, not so much. For them, conflict is a scary, scary thing and something to be avoided at all costs!

So, when your man is presented with having to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most in the world, imagine how paralyzed he would be. He, most likely, doesn’t have the skills that he needs to navigate what is happening between the two of you. So, what does he do? He just doesn’t deal. And what does that do? It makes the conflict worse.

If you find that your man is really struggling between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, recognize it for what it is. Have some compassion. Help him work through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all that’s what couples do.

#4 – Jealousy.

So, be honest with yourself. Are you just a little bit jealous of your guy’s mother? Are you perhaps jealous of all of their years together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he spends an hour every Sunday night on the phone with her, even if you have to rearrange your schedules to do so?

If you are, don’t be hard on yourself. The jealousy is totally natural.

A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid and it can be a very intimidating one to come into. And we often come into relationships with men who are close to their mothers thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like being married to a man who has a daughter, knowing that your guy has another woman who he loves like he does you can be off-putting.

But I can tell you this. Everyone, everyone, has the capacity to love fully. Just because your man has big love for his mother, or his daughter, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a space in his heart there is lots of room in there for all of you even if there were others in there first.

As a result, one way that your mother in law can damage your marriage actually has to do with YOU not with HER. Let me tell you how.

The last time that you and your man got into a scuffle about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him If you loved me more you would put me first?” Or did you think to yourself that there is no way he could possible really love you if he didn’t automatically choose you every time?

If the answer to either of those statements is yes then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your man, not his mother. That you are insisting that the amount that he loves you is reflected by whether or not he chooses you over her every time. And telling yourself that, or, even worse, telling him that, will only tear your relationship apart.

Your man can love you fully and completely and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in navigating it!

#5 – You are just two women in the world.

My father once said to me If we weren’t family we wouldn’t be friends Lovely thing to hear from your father, no?

That being said, those words gave me pause  it really made me think about the difference between friends and family.

Your friends you choose, your family you are given.

So, another way your mother-in-law can damage your marriage is if the two of you do not see eye to eye. If the two of you most likely wouldn’t have been friends out in the real world then getting along in this familial relationship will be even more challenging.

My step mother and I have had conflict for years. She has always hated my relationship with my father and has made my life miserable for 35 years (as I am sure I have done to her). What I realized as I became an adult is that we never would have been friends out in the real world. We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have kept moving. Just because my dad brought her into our world that didn’t mean that we would get along.

So, think about this. Might it be that you and your mother in law are just plain different that you might never be friends in the real world? If so, take that into this relationship. Just because you are now (somewhat) related that doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends.

Treat your man’s mother like you would a work colleague you didn’t really get along with. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational and know that, at the end of the day, you will go home with your partner and that she will go home to her house.

She doesn’t have to be your friend  you already have plenty of those!

So, there are 5 ways your mother in law can damage your marriage, even if she doesn’t mean to.

Relationships are complicated and none more so that the relationship between two women who love the same man ““ mother/son or father/daughter.

What I can tell you is this you will never be able to change another woman’s behavior. You can only change your reaction to her behavior.

I would encourage you to recognized that she and her son go way back and that having you as part of their twosome is a new thing for everyone, something that will take some getting used to. Know that your man doesn’t really have the skills that he needs to mediate your relationship and that your jealousy might be playing a part in this situation. And know that you and your man’s mother might never be friends and that’s ok. Accept that and figure out a way to live with it people do it at work all the time.

Don’t let your mother-in-law damage your marriage. Change your reactions to her behavior, work together with your partner as to how to best manage the situation and know that there is room in his heart for both of you! I promise!

5 Ways Social Media Can Kill a Relationship Before it Even Begins

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I can’t tell you how many times I have to tell my clients that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts.

Why?  I believe that, at its most basic level, social media can warp our perceptions of reality. I do believe that much of what is put out there is put out there authentically but that what we see does not necessarily present the real picture of a person or a thing. And I believe that it is this particular element of social media that can kill a relationship before it even starts.

I so often see people judging their relationship, whether it is brand new or not even in existence yet, by what they see on social media. As a result, romantic relationships, the relationships that we all seek, are stopped before they can even start.

Awareness around this is the key to not letting social media destroy your relationship before it even starts.

#1 – Misinformation.

I have a client who is struggling with being ghosted by a guy she was seeing for a while. To understand why it happened, and how she should react to it, she turned to TikTok. When she finally talked to me about it, she kept on saying TikTok says, like the words that she heard on the app were the words of experts, that the gospel of TikTok is how she should process what has happened to her.

Let me be clear I do believe that hearing stories about how others get through things is an excellent way to learn. I do that all the time with my blogs. But I feel like my client was taking the words that she was hearing from TikTok and completely internalizing them. She was using the words of people she doesn’t know, and who don’t know her, to process the potential end of her relationship.

Furthermore, what many people put onto social media is not their complete picture. Of course, we all seek to tell our story but people curate what they put on social media. We don’t always tell our whole story because we know that we will be judged if they do. And, as a result, we are often manipulated, sometimes inadvertently, to believe something that isn’t the complete picture.

So, I encourage you to pause for a minute before you take someone’s TikTok advice as the gospel truth. Doing so might help you process what you are going through, your personal experience, in a way that will help, and not harm, you and your relationship.

#2 – Inaccurate perceptions.

I have another client who met a guy online. They hadn’t yet met but the conversations were lovely. She was looking forward to meeting him UNTIL she checked out his Instagram account. What did she see? That he was friends with lots of girls. And for her, that was a HUGE red flag!

I asked her why. She said that it was because she believed that, if he was friends with so many women, she would always worry about him cheating on her. So, before she had even met him, she defined him as someone who couldn’t be friends with women because he might cheat on her.

That doesn’t sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship, does it?

My question to her was What if you met this man at a bar and you had a lovely conversation? You then dated him for a while and got to know him, and he got to know you. As you got to know him, you learned that he and his sister had decided that they would be friends with each other’s friends on social media. It made them feel more connected, for many reasons. As a result, he was friends with many women on social media because of his sister, not because he was a womanizer.

If this happened, once you knew who he was as a person, would you judge him and walk away, assuming that he would someday cheat on you?

No, probably not.

My point is that making an assumption or a judgment about someone based on their social media is an assumption or a judgement not based on any kind of knowledge about the reality of the situation. Of course, it could be that he really is a womanizer but you just do not know until you investigate. And if you don’t investigate, that relationship could be over before it starts either because you are insecure from the beginning or because you have prejudged them to be someone they are not.

So, pay attention to assumptions that you make about someone’s social media profile. Remember, they are not necessarily based in any kind of reality!

#3 – False expectations.

So, tell me the truth. Does what you post on social media totally reflect who you are as a person? Do you post pictures after a night out drinking or when your skin is acting up or after a fight with your sister?

Or do you post the night of, when you are all dressed up and having fun? If you do have to post when your skin acts up, do you use a filter? And I am sure you never post when you are really angry at your sibling.

So, knowing that what you post about yourself isn’t always an accurate reflection of who you are in the world, why would you assume that other people’s posts are an accurate reflection of who they are?

I have a client who had been chatting with a guy she met online. In his profile, he posted pictures of himself going out, of him playing softball, of him climbing mountains on Sundays. As a result, she swiped right because she liked that he was so active.

And they met and she got to know him and she really liked everything about him, except that he wasn’t very active. A day on the couch was just as appealing to him as a day on a hike. And that she wasn’t happy about. She felt like she had been promised someone who didn’t really exist.

When we get to know someone through social media, instead of IRL (in real life), we learn about them posting about their best selves, not the full picture. Of course, we would post a picture of ourselves on the top of a mountain instead of on the couch because we want to be appealing. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we spend more time on top of mountains than on the couch we just present ourselves that way.

So, be careful not to assume that the person you see on social media is who they are. They only way to truly get to know someone is by interacting with them. If you assume you know someone because of their profile, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

#4 – Options, options, options.

This is the number one complaint that I hear from people about social media, especially from women – because of social media, people are presented with too many options.

Much like when you go into Dunkin’ Donuts and are trying to choose a donut but you just do not know which one to pick because you are worried that you might pick the wrong one, so does social media make us question our choices always wondering if there might be someone out there who is better for us.

I can’t tell you how many guys I have chatted with on social media who, in the middle of a conversation, just suddenly disappeared. I never know what truly happened but I am guessing that someone shinier came along, someone they wanted to talk to instead of me. And that felt pretty shitty every time.

But, over time, I came to accept that it wasn’t about me. It was about the wide variety of options out there, options that, because of social media, we are exposed to every day. Not only are there jillions of people on dating sites, we are bombarded with images of attractive people all day long on our phones. As a result, we are often left questioning if the grass might be greener elsewhere, like with that guy who is on top of a mountain instead of the one sitting next to you on the couch.

I believe that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts because of the vast array of options that are out there, options that are presented to social media users every minute of every day.

#5 – Disconnect.

Picture this. You are at a bar with your friends, and instead of keeping your head up and interacting, you are on your phone. Or that you are sitting at home with your new boyfriend, looking at your social media while you are watching TV. Neither one of these scenarios is any good for a relationship, or the possibility of a relationship, because of the disconnect that social media creates.

I can’t tell you how many guys I know who don’t approach women because they are on their phones. Approaching someone you don’t know is hard enough, but interrupting someone while they are on their phone is almost impossible. You just don’t know what you are interrupting.

As a result, while people really want to meet people IRL, they don’t because they are looking at their phones instead of looking up, open to seeing what is right there in front of them.

In my other scenario, the couple who are sitting on the couch together while one watches TV and one is on social media are setting themselves up for disappointment because, while they are sitting next to each other, they are not sharing the experience. They are parallel, but not connected.

Being parallel but not connected doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal but, over time, it can wear away at the fabric of a relationship. I can’t tell you how many times my ex and I fought over him picking up his phone during commercials instead of talking to me. It was definitely one of the things that ultimately broke us up.

So, pay attention to how your phone and social media disconnect you from the people in front of you. It just might be that that disconnect is why you can’t find love.

I know that you don’t want to believe that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts but it can.

As I write this, I am wondering if someone was told that, to find the love of their life, they would have to give up social media, if they would end up choosing love. I would hope so but I am just not sure. That is how much social media is part of the fabric of our lives.

If you want to find love, pay attention to how social media affects your journey and any relationship that you might find. Make sure that you don’t make assumptions, that you don’t judge a book by its cover, that you don’t take what you see as gospel truth and that you keep your head up more than you do down.

If you can be aware of the ways that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts then you will have the opportunity to choose the effect that it can have on you and your search for love.

Because your person is out there. I promise!

5 Things to Do to be Happy Again after a Break Up

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are trying to figure out how to be happy again after a break up. I get it! I have totally been there.

I am not sure there is any pain more intense than the pain we feel after a break up!

I remember my first broken heart. With Bobby Fortunato in the 8th grade. I was devastated. I remember my mom let me stay home from school and she gave me Jello!

So, here you are, in middle of the storm, struggling to stay afloat and wondering how you will ever be happy again!

You can be! I promise!

Here are 5 things to do to be happy again after a break up.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

Blocking an ex is the number one thing that I recommend that people do to be happy again after a break up. And it’s the number one thing that people don’t do and it holds them back.

So, why is it so important to block someone after a break up and why is it so hard to do it?

The reason why it is important to block your ex is because it is essential that you go no contact.That means no seeing each other, talking to each other, texting each other or liking each other’s posts on Instagram. Why is that important? Because any contact, any, will take you back to square one the moment of your break up when the pain was most intense.

Back in the day, when we broke up with someone, we broke up with them. With a little bit of effort, we could avoid them and then we could move on. Now, we can access any information about our ex that we want, at any time. And when we do, it sets us back.

I have a client whose man had broken her heart and, six months in, she was starting to feel better. She was even opening herself up to the idea of dating again. And what happened? Late one night, her ex drunkenly texted her. She was so excited because she thought that he wanted her back. So, she responded and they texted throughout the night. The next morning, there was radio silence. He had sobered up and moved on.

And what happened to her? She was devastated, again, and back to square one!

So, why is it so hard to block someone after a break up? I believe that it’s mostly about hope. Hope that someday their person will come back to them and they want to make sure that they are there in case that happens. People also want to keep tabs on their person, to see how quickly they move on. Sometimes they just can’t, or do not want to, break the habit. But mostly, I believe, it’s because they are holding out hope for the future.

And now that I have explained to you what my client’s reunion with her ex did to her hopefully you will see that you don’t want to be there for your ex in future you want to have moved on.

So, if you want to be happy after a break up, block your ex. I promise you it will be helpful in a big way.

#2 – Rearrange your space.

Be honest. How many times in the past few days have you looked at the chair that they sat in at breakfast or their side of the couch or the pillows that they slept on and then burst into tears. The memories of your ex’s time in your home are visceral and probably holding you back from healing.

So, what can you do about that? You can change your space! Shake things up so that your ex’s energy will be banished forever and you have space to make new memories.

What do I mean by changing your space? You can go big or little.Whatever feels good to you.

My sister, when she got divorced, switched her bedroom to another room in the house. A client of mine painted all the walls. I bought flannel sheets because my ex hated them. A friend moved the breakfast table to the other side of the kitchen. Definitely remove any and all things that they might have left behind, including pictures!

Imagine how it would feel to come down the stairs in the morning and not see your ex’s chair sitting there, empty. Imagine if your bed, because of your new sheets, no longer resembles the one you shared with your ex. If your space was truly your space again.

Even if your space is small there is still opportunity to make change right now. Take a look around. What would feel really good to change right now? Stand up and do it or make a plan to do it this weekend!

You will be glad you did!

#3 – Change your routines.

Much like changing your space, changing your routines are an essential part of being happy again after a break up.

We are all creatures of habit and we tend to do the same things day in, day out. I know for my partner and me, when we get home from work we go for a walk, have a drink on the couch, make dinner, watch some TV and go to bed. We do it almost every day and we love it. It is very comforting.

I know that, if we broke up, I would be devastated. And I would, most likely, carry on doing the things that we had always done together. And that would only make me lonely.

Take a look at your routines. What kind of habits did you and your ex develop over the course of your relationship? Did you go to the same coffee shop every Saturday? Go to a different one. Did you have pizza for dinner every Wednesday? Have burritos instead. Did you each have your own side of the bed? Switch your place to other side.

Changing routines will help you let go of your ex. It will also serve to adjust your brain to the new reality. When we do the same things over and over, we develop ruts in our brain. When we are pushed out of our ruts, we get very uncomfortable. But, if we can stay out of them, we can rewire our brains to do things differently namely to no longer focus on our ex.

So, what kind of routines and habits did you and your ex share? Which of them can you change? (You can even start with just one!) When you can change that thing? And how would it feel to do so?

Changing your routines will be a key part of your journey to be happy again after a breakup.

#4 – Push yourself.

When I got divorced 12 years ago, I was a shell of myself. For 20 years I had been married to someone who made me fearful not afraid of him but afraid of the world around me.

As a result, there were many things that I didn’t do. That I couldn’t do. And, when I noticed this, I recognized that I was going to have to do some of those things if I wanted to be happy again.

So, what did I do? I set out to do all of the things that I was uncomfortable doing.

I had always been scared of jet skis and snorkeling and I did both. I had become increasingly uncomfortable driving in snow storms so I did so every opportunity I could. I went to Peru and climbed a 17,000 foot high mountain and to Arizona and hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

What did pushing myself do for me? It rebuilt my self esteem and made me realize that I was a person outside of my relationship. Accomplishing things that were challenging made me feel good about myself and very strong. And I realized that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do alone that I didn’t need to be part of a pair to succeed or live a good life.

I would encourage you to take stock of the things that scare you and set out to do at least one of them. Do things that you have always wanted to do, even if you have to do them alone. Be the person you were before the end of this relationship. That person is still in there, waiting to be set free from behind the grief!

#5 – Have hope.

I know that, from where you sit, you feel like your future is hopeless and that you will never love or be loved again. What I can promise you is that how you are feeling just isn’t true. I promise.

When we are in a bad place it is virtually impossible to see the future as a hopeful one. We are feeling so fully what it’s like to be miserable and the journey out of that misery is murky.

What I can promise you is that, with time, you will be happy again. You will get your life back. You will be happy. You will love and be loved again. It is more than possible; it is most probable.

That being said, you can’t just sit back, eating ice cream, watching TV, stalking your ex on Instagram, and wait for the misery to pass. You must be able to step up and take the steps that are necessary to get your life back.

So, even if you are feeling hopeless, listen to me. You can do this! And it will be worth it, you will see!

I know it’s hard to believe that you can be happy again after a break up but hopefully I have inspired you to shake things up a bit so that you can move on and be happy, sooner than later!

When we let go of a relationship, it is often the residual effects, the energy, the loss, the sadness, that hold us back from healing. If you can shake up your space and your head, block your person completely, push yourself to find yourself again and have hope, you will be happy again. You will have the life and the love that you have always wanted!

I promise!

7 Ways to ‘Fake It Til You Make It’ When You are Feeling Sad

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So many of us, myself included, find they have to fake it until you make it when they are feeling sad.

Life is busy with work, family, friends, pets, etc. Who has time to be sad? I know that I don’t.

Unfortunately, it can be very hard to not give in to the sadness to not let it derail your life.

Luckily there are a few hacks that you can use that will help you fake it until you make it when you are feeling sad.

#1 – Get out of bed.

This might seem fairly obvious but, for many people, the act of simply getting out of bed when they are depressed is impossible.

The inclination to stay under the covers, in the dark, away from the stimulation of the world is almost irresistible when you are depressed. Bed is comfy and cozy and not going to judge you in any way for how you are feeling.

If you are trapped in your bed, GET OUT OF IT!

People I know who are depressed go to great lengths to stay out of bed when they are feeling sad.

I have known people to take their mattress off the box spring and lean it against the wall. Some people pile their mattresses with books. Others strip the bed of the sheets.

Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed.

Because, out of bed, it is way more likely that you will actually be able to do something other than lay around, ruminating about how horrible you feel.

#2 – Do what makes you feel good.

When we are struggling with sadness and depression, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don’t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling sad, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

What kind of things might work? That depends on who you are in the world but here are a few ideas.

  • Take a walk.
  • Spend time with friends.
  • Take a bath.
  • Do some yoga.
  • Binge on some fun TV.
  • Have sex
  • Go to the movies.
  • Take a road trip

So, what makes you happy? I know it seems hard now but ask yourself what you usually enjoy doing. Or ask a friend. Doing something that makes you happy will raise your endorphins and help you manage your sadness.

#3 – Take care of yourself.

An excellent coping mechanism for working through depression is taking care of yourself.

After my mom died I fell apart. Getting off the couch was next to impossible. Tequila was my closest companion with ice cream a close second.

Fortunately for me, a friend saw what I was doing to myself and helped get me back on track. I started going to yoga, getting more sleep, eating better and drinking lots of water.

I started spending more time outdoors in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun felt good on my body and the Vitamin D provided by the sun is a natural anti-depressant.

I know that if I hadn’t started taking care of myself, if I hadn’t made my body stronger, my sadness would only have gotten worse!

#4 – Keep your mind active.

Unfortunately, when you’re feeling sad, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all.

You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren’t good at anything. You will never find love.You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn’t go there.

It is really important, when you are feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this You are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don’t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#5 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don’t, it could be time to start.

Did you know that negative thoughts are 4 times more powerful in your head than after they have been spoken or written. Think about it the last time you were stuck listening to those negative voices didn’t you feel much better when you shared them with someone? Yes! Even if your problems weren’t solved at least they weren’t rolling around in your head, making things messy.

Writing about how you are feeling and things that are making sad, or whatever it is that is stuck in your head, can be an excellent way to fake it until you make it’ when you are feeling sad, especially if you don’t have someone with whom to share your sadness. When you have no one to talk to when you are feeling sad, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it can be much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with friends but choose carefully.

One of the most important things to manage when you’re feeling depressed is your environment. Your bed and your pjs might feel like the right thing to do but you know now they are not.

The same attention needs to be paid to who you spend time with when you are feeling depressed. If there are people in your life who bring you down then avoiding them when you aren’t doing well is very important.

My mother was very difficult to spend time with when I was depressed. She was always trying to talk me out of my depression by pretending that it didn’t exist or telling me to just snap out of it. Both of those things just made me feel worse. So, I avoided her when I wasn’t doing well. It was best for both of us.

Consider who you shouldn’t spend time with when you are depressed, and avoid them. On the same note, think about who would be a good person to be with and make a date with them right now!

#7 – Know that feeling sad isn’t a sign of weakness.

Another piece of faking it until you make it when you are feeling sad is to admit to yourself that, in fact, you are struggling.

So many of us, when we are struggling with depression, judge ourselves. We are all taught that we need to be tough, to not let our emotions overwhelm us, to get over it. Furthermore, we look at those around us and assume that everyone else is fine, that it is only us who is such a loser.

But this is NOT true. Sadness and depression are real things. While we all think that we should suck it up and be happy, sometimes it just isn’t possible. Sometimes we are just sad. And it is ok.

Owning, to yourself at least, the fact that you are sad, and recognizing that it’s ok. is an excellent way to get through those times when the sadness is with you so that you can get through it intact.

In many ways it is sad that we have to fake it until we make it when we are feeling sad.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if society as a whole was willing to accept that depression is a thing and give us space to be depressed openly.

Unfortunately, while we are getting there, that is not the way life is right now so knowing how to get through your sadness is a key part of not letting it derail your life.

So, when you are feeling sad, first and foremost, get out of bed. Take care of yourself. Do something fun. Control your thoughts and accept that this is just how things are for now.

All of those things will allow you to keep moving forward when you are depressed. And sometimes, if you keep moving forward, that in itself will help with your depression.

All of this being said, if you are feeling depressed and you find that it isn’t going away, that it is derailing your life, it is essential that you see your doctor. What you are dealing with might be more than sadness and your doctor can help you figure out ways to deal with it.

But for now  get out there. Live! You can do it!

5 Signs that You are Being Codependent in Your Relationship

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Are your friends telling you that you are being co-dependent in your relationship?

Do you not really know what that means? Is it a term you have heard but are you not clear on its meaning?

The definition of co-dependent is characterized by excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.

Now that you understand what that the term codependent means, let’s explore the signs of whether you are being co-dependent in your relationship.

#1 – The need to please.

Do you do anything that you can to please your partner?

Do you dress the way they want you to, listen to the same music they do, cook only their favorite things, compliment them on everything?

Have you basically let go of who you are to keep your person happy?

And have you done this because you are afraid that if you don’t, your partner will be angry or, even worse, leave you?

I have a client who bent over backwards to please her partner. She was sure that if she didn’t, he would leave her. She attended to his every need, pretended that it was ok that he was always late coming over, bought him things and walked his dog. Why did she do all of these things? Because she was worried that he would leave her.

Ultimately, he did leave her. He recognized the codependency in their relationship and didn’t like the role that he was playing in it. So, he left, got his shit together, and soon after found someone who didn’t bend over backwards to please him, with whom he could have a healthy relationship.

#2 – Caretaking.

I know that caretaking might seem a lot like doing anything to please your partner but it isn’t.

Caretaking is supporting your partner’s illness or addiction in a way to justify behaviors or even hide it from the world.

I have a client who was in a long-term relationship with an alcoholic. He would go on 3 day benders where he disappeared. He would call her from a police station, having been arrested. He was narcissistic and inconsistent in his feelings for her and their relationship. He was verbally and emotionally abusive.

And, in spite of all that, she still loved him. And, even worse, she protected him.

My client used to go out of her way to protect her man, to not let the world see what he was struggling with. She hid his drinking from his children, she made excuses when he didn’t show up to family events, she justified his absences from their life together.

She took care of him to the point that she was enabling his behavior, his addiction. And this is one of the most destructive hallmarks of codependency caretaking someone in such a way that you don’t give them the opportunity to heal!

#3 – Dependency.

As I have described above, the signs that you are being co-dependent in your relationship, one would think that the person being taken care of would be the dependent one. And while that is true to a degree, there is a dependency on the part of the caregiver that is a sign of codependency.

What do I mean by that?

In the example of my client, over the years she came to NEED to take care of him almost more than he needed to be taken care of. Her determination to keep him safe and well cared for was something that she needed in her life and she felt like, without it, she might die.

As a result, even when faced with his toxicity, she didn’t walk away. She was as addicted to taking care of him as he was to the alcohol. As a result, she couldn’t leave. Even more so, she needed to stay.

So, if you find that you are dependent on taking care of your person as way to keep yourself feeling safe, then that is definitely a sign that you are being codependent in your relationship.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

In any list that I write about signs of a toxic relationship, lack of self-esteem is on there. Lack of self-esteem is definitely one of the top three signs that your relationship is not healthy.

And why does being codependent in a relationship lead to low self-esteem? It seems like it would be the opposite because you are taking care of someone and that must make you feel good about yourself, right?

Yes, taking care of someone feels good, if you are doing it in a healthy way. BUT, if you are being codependent in your relationship, you are over-giving. You are over-caring. And you are doing so at the expense of your own mental well-being.

For my client, her addiction to caring for her partner became the central focus of her life. She gave up work, friends, family and her health in an effort to make sure that her man was well taken care of and protected from outside influences. As a result, her self-esteem sank lower and lower because she stopped knowing who she was outside of the relationship.

Before she met him, my client owned a successful business, was an avid tennis player, had tons of friends and was a great mom. Slowly, one at a time, those things fell away. The things that she enjoyed she stopped doing. Her work suffered as did her children. And, as a result, she felt worse and worse about herself.

Ironically, the lower her self-esteem sank, the more she engaged in the codependent behaviors because, perversely, those behaviors, she believed, would make her feel better about herself.

#5 – An inability to communicate.

The inability to communicate is, like low self-esteem, one of the top three indicators that your relationship is toxic. Communication in a relationship is the thing that holds it together. Not being able to communicate can kill even the healthiest relationship.

As a couple falls into these codependent behaviors, they stop communicating in any meaningful way. Because their lives are basically an illusion, their individual behaviors are based on addiction or caregiving, or some other similar cycle, a couple in a codependent relationship just can’t go there,they can’t talk about their relationship or, usually, anything at all.

And what happens as communications fails in a relationship? Nothing but a big huge mess.

The caregiver tip toes around their partner, trying to keep them happy and safe. The person who is struggling might feel guilty or angry or ashamed or unaware of the efforts of their partner and, because they are struggling, they might project the their issues on to their partner.

From there it is a slow, slippery slide down into chaos, into a codependent relationship that is so toxic that one wonders if anyone can emerge from it intact.

So, if you find that you and your partner can’t communicate about anything, other than perhaps the weather, you are most likely being codependent in your relationship.

Recognizing the signs that you are being codependent in your relationship is a key way to either prevent yourself, or to escape from, that toxic relationship.

In the case of my client, she was able to eventually get away from her partner. Her self-esteem was left in tatters but she wasn’t experiencing this codependency day in and day out so she was able to start to heal.

So, look out for the signs in your relationship. Do you over-give or take care of your person in a way to keep them happy or to protect them? Are you dependent on that caregiving for your own happiness? Are you struggling with who you are in the world? Can you not talk about any of it with your partner? If any, or all, of these signs are present, you might very well be being codependent in your relationship.

I can tell you that codependency does not have to be forever and it doesn’t have to mean the death of a relationship. If both parties recognize the codependent behavior, and are willing to make change, a good therapist or life coach can work with you to alter your behaviors. That being said, if only one person wants to make change, chances are that the relationship will stay codependent and toxic.

So, take a good look at the state of your relationship so that you can decide if you want to stay and make it work or get on with your life, toward finding a healthy relationship so that you can be happy!

You can do it!

5 Surprising Signs That Your Relationship is Solid

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Are you looking to the universe to show you signs that your relationship is solid?

You are not alone! We all want to believe that the relationship we are in is solid that we have found OUR PERSON.

Unfortunately, we often fool ourselves into thinking that something that feels awesome ‘most of the time’ or where the sex is good or where things are great when they are great is a solid relationship, only to be disappointed when it ends in heartbreak like all of the others before.

Knowing the signs that your relationship is solid is the best way to stop fooling yourself and walk away from a relationship that isn’t any good or celebrating if it is and moving forward with confidence.

Here are 5 surprising signs that your relationship is solid so that you will know, once and for all, if you should stay or if you should go.

#1 – You can be yourself, always.

Be honest. How many times have you twisted yourself into a pretzel in a relationship, trying to be someone who you aren’t?

How many times have you tried to act chill when you are not really? Have you worn high heels when you are a flats kind of girl? How many times have you pretended to like music that you hate?

It is a huge sign that your relationship is solid when you don’t have to be anything other than the person you are. Why? Because, when you are in a solid relationship, your person will love you exactly the way you are.

When I first met my ex-husband I definitely wasn’t the real me. I tried to act chill when he couldn’t spend time with me, I started listening to music that he liked, I hung out with his friends even though they drove me nuts, and I never complained about his family. And then, once we got married, I started to be more true to myself. As a result, I wasn’t the person who he fell in love with and now we are divorced!

In my current relationship, I am all that I am – impatient, kind, caring, a lover of Broadway tunes, and someone who works ALL the time. My boyfriend is very different from me but he loves me for exactly who I am, my work obsessions and all.

So, if you feel like you can be yourself, always, it’s a big sign that your relationship is solid.

#2 – You are self-confident.

I have a client who I am on the phone with almost every day. She and her boyfriend generally text throughout the day, and on the days that the texting is intermittent, she is a mess.

She believes that if she doesn’t hear from him, he no longer likes her, even though they woke up together that morning. If she doesn’t hear from him, she starts feeling needy and unloved. If she doesn’t hear from him, she makes up stories in her head about how she is not worthy. And she refuses to ask him to stay in touch during the day because she doesn’t want to seem needy.

If you are in a solid relationship, you won’t ever feel that way. You won’t feel that you are less than if you don’t hear from your person for a few hours. And you won’t ever feel needy when you ask for what you want because you know that you deserve it.

What you will feel instead is the self-confidence that comes from being fully loved and supported. How amazing would that feel?

#3 – You feel safe and steady.

Did you wake up this morning feeling really good? Did you kiss your boyfriend as you headed out the door, happy and not worried about your relationship? Was your mind free to focus on what was in front of you instead of obsessing about something he said last night?

Or did you seek reassurance from your person that you would hear from them during the day, that you would spend the night together, that they really loved you, that they wanted to be with you forever?

Someone who is in a solid relationship will feel safe and steady. Instead of always being on edge because they are unsure if things are good, a person in a solid relationship feels safe and secure in it. While there might be occasional disagreements, they know that their person is there and that they have their back. That gives them the confidence to feel good about their relationship so that they can focus on other things!

#4 – You believe that you can accomplish anything.

One thing I have noticed over the course of my solid relationship is how powerful I feel. How I feel like I can take on the world. How I know that nothing will get in the way if I don’t let it.

Why? Because my boyfriend supports me 100%. And he tells me over and over and shows me by giving me the freedom to pursue my passions.

This has definitely not always happened in the past. I have been in relationships with men that made me feel unsteady. Relationships that were up and down and where I wasn’t always sure of my place in it. As a result, I didn’t believe in myself to the extent that I wanted to. While my life was good enough, I wasn’t living up to my true potential.

In retrospect, I know that I was strong enough to live up to my true potential on my own, but I didn’t know it. Being in a solid relationship has helped me to see that I am, to truly believe it, and to be successful.

#5 – You look to the future with hope.

Do you struggle every day with feelings of hopelessness? Do you look ahead to the next hour, day, week, month, or even year, with dread?

Do you dread the weekend because you aren’t sure if you are going to see him? Do you dread Christmas because your partner doesn’t like your family? Do you worry if you will be able to talk him into having kids?

Do you worry that this relationship won’t work out and do you believe that if it doesn’t, you will never love or be loved again?

If you feel this way, this is a sign that you don’t have a solid relationship. Someone in a solid relationship is someone who looks forward with hope. Who knows that the weekend will be amazing, even if you are just staying home. Who knows that you are on the same page as your partner about the future and that it feels good. And who knows that, no matter what, your relationship will prevail.

If you feel any sense of hopelessness or dread about the future, it is definitely a sign that you aren’t in a solid relationship and that it might be time to walk away.

So, now that I have shared the 5 surprising signs that you are in a solid relationship, do you have a better sense of what kind of relationship you are in?

It is very important to be honest with ourselves about the state of our relationship. It is so easy to ignore the red flags, to justify behaviors, to make excuses to keep your relationship intact. But if you do those things, you will only be wasting your time, hoping that your relationship can grow into something it’s not.

Furthermore, don’t kid yourself if you felt the things that I listed above at the beginning of the relationship but not so much now. It is not unusual to feel that way in the beginning but if things change as the relationship evolves, don’t try to kid yourself that things can be that way again. Things never go back to the way they were in the beginning. Sorry.

I always tell my clients that it’s important that they love the person who is right there in front of them, not the person they were or the person they could be. If the person right there in front of you is all the things I wrote about above, then you are in the solid relationship that you have always sought.

Well done!

 

How to Forgive Yourself after an Affair – Even if it Seems Unlikely

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I know that it is probably inconceivable to you that you could forgive yourself after an affair.

I mean, you have gone against everything you thought you knew about yourself and you are, most likely, stuck in this place of self-loathing.

What I can tell you is that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair, that there will come a time when you will be able to hold your head up high and trust yourself again. You just need to take some action steps to get there.

Here are 5 ways to forgive yourself after an affair. You can do it!

#1 – Have compassion for yourself.

I am guessing that you probably hate yourself right now. You have let yourself, and everyone you know, down and it’s something that you never would have expected of yourself.

I am also guessing that you believe that you are stupid and weak and immoral and friendless and you are feeling embarrassed and angry and sad and overwhelmed.

And all of those things are natural. They are the things that we think and feel when we have let ourselves, and those around us, down.

But I encourage you to have compassion for yourself. After all, you are only human!

I had a client who was absolutely destroyed that she had had an affair. Both of her parents cheated, and she never thought that she would do the same. But she did.

What we came to realize as we talked about it was that she had been really struggling. Her mother just died, her kids were teenagers, the finances were tight. And, as a result, she was vulnerable to doing something self-destructive to mask the way she was feeling. Usually, she used ice cream or wine to self-soothe but this time it was different. This time it was a man and an affair.

This is not to say that she dove right into the affair. She and this man were friends. They confided in each other. She could explain to him what she was struggling with in a way that she couldn’t explain it to her husband. She felt safe with him. She trusted him.

She barely even noticed that she was developing feelings for him until one day, out of the blue, he kissed her. Before you knew it, they were on the slippery slope down to infidelity.

Why I am telling you her story is this – my client never set out to have an affair. She was in a really dark place, vulnerable, and she opened herself up to someone else for comfort. She was not an evil person – she was a person in the world, a vulnerable person who made a mistake.

Having compassion for yourself is not justifying your cheating but, rather, it is a way for you to forgive yourself after an affair. If you can understand that you are only human, that you were in a place where you needed something to help you cope, and that you never set out to be unfaithful, then you will be well on your way to forgiving yourself.

#2 – Commit to walking away.

I know that for most of my clients who are having an affair, walking away is the hardest thing to do.

‘But I love him,’ they say. ‘How can I live without him?’

Because they believe that their affair partner is the only person who can make them happy, they can’t walk away. As a result, they just continue this cycle of letting themselves down which, in turn, only leads to more self-hatred.

I truly believe that the reason it’s so hard to walk away from an affair is not because of your affair partner but because of the person you are when you are with them.

Think about it. Think about who you are in real life. Are you a mother, a brother, an employee, a chauffeur? Do you volunteer and work long hours and struggle with finances and have no sex life? Has it been years since you have really felt like yourself?

When people have affairs, they suddenly become re-acquainted with the person they used to be. They feel happy, hopeful, sexy, beautiful, wanted, special. And that is what is so hard to walk away from – being that person again.

So, I encourage you to, if you want to forgive yourself after an affair, walk away from your person. I know that you think that you can’t live without that person, but consider trying to love yourself – to stay in touch with the person you were in the affair when you are out of it.

If you can be the person who you want to be in life, you won’t need something else that isn’t good for you. Something that alternately makes you feel good about yourself for a few minutes and then filled with self-hatred a few minutes later!

#3 – Dig into the source.

As I said before, many people who have an affair are people who are in a rough spot. People who were struggling with issues before the affair even started.

One of my clients was in a really tough spot. She was depressed, lonely, lost and unsure what to do about it. It seemed that, no matter what she tried, she couldn’t get out of this spot. We tried working together to get through this but then she disappeared.

By the time she reappeared, she was having an affair. She had embarked on one when we were still talking but she had stopped coming because she was in this affair and it was making her feel good about herself, feel loved and feel connected again. She figured she didn’t need me anymore.

But then she came back. Why? Because her affair no longer made her feel that way. Instead, her affair has started to make her feel even worse.

Why is it that you got into your affair? I am guessing that it’s not something that you set out to do but something that happened over time, something that you thought you could manage.

It is important to identify what you are struggling with, what might have been the thing that made you vulnerable to infidelity.

For my client, she had just returned from living overseas and she was struggling with re-entry. She felt like she no longer fit in with her community and she felt lonely and lost. I explained to her that, in order to forgive yourself after an affair, it is essential that you take a good hard look at where you were in the world that would allow you to go someplace that you never thought you would go.

So, what are you struggling with that might have made you vulnerable to infidelity? Think about it. Seek to get help to work on it. If you can soothe yourself, instead of looking to your affair partner to do so, you will be way more likely to forgive yourself after an affair!

#4 – Be honest.

Part of forgiving yourself after an affair is starting to like yourself again. Starting to act like the person you want to be in the world. A person who people can respect. Not the person you are now that you are in an affair.

So, how can you do that if you aren’t honest with yourself and your partner? If you can’t take ownership of what has happened and the hurt that you have caused?

I have a client whose husband had an affair. It had happened a while back but they had never been able to work through it because he refuses to talk about it. She so wants to, so that she can understand what happened but he just won’t get into it.

And, what has happened as a result? Their marriage is actually getting worse and not better because every time he isn’t honest with his wife he knows that he is letting her down. He knows that by acting like the affair wasn’t a big deal he is only hurting his wife more. And that definitely isn’t helping him forgive himself.

So, be honest with yourself and with those around you about your affair. It is important that you all have the space and time to process what has happened so that you can work through it and so that you can forgive yourself and maybe even be forgiven!

#5 – Give it time.

The old saying that ‘time heals all wounds’ is an accurate one. While the pain of the fact that you had an affair might always be with you, over time the pain will dull and you will be able to go on with your life.

That being said, you can’t just sit there and wait for time to pass. It is important that you do the work that you need to do to work through what has happened and why you had an affair. It is essential that you are honest with yourself and with others about the affair and its aftermath. It is important that you work to get in touch with the person you were before the affair, before the struggles started. The person who you looked at in the mirror and liked.

If you can do these things, if you can do things that make you feel good about yourself and strong and capable and not vulnerable to things that aren’t good for you, then time will truly heal all wounds.

As you continue to be the person you want to be, to get stronger, to own up to your mistakes, you will find that forgiving yourself after an affair is possible.

I hope that now you know that it is possible to forgive yourself after an affair.

Getting to that place of forgiveness is all on you, though. You have to do the hard work. This guilt won’t just pass.

But, if you have read this far, I am guessing that you are determined to make change, to do what you need to do, to move forward and forgive yourself.

You can do it!

5 Ways His Mother Can Poison Your Relationship (Even if She Doesn’t Mean To)

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When I got engaged, I remember so well when a friend of mine said to me: Just so you know, there are ways that his mother can poison your relationship even if she doesn’t mean to.

I remember thinking yeah, sure, but that won’t happen to us.Boy, was I wrong.

Mother in laws aren’t inherently evil and have developed a bad rap. But I know that my mother-in-law did play a role in the health of my marriage and I wish I had known then what I know now!

Here are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship and some things that you can do to stop that poison in its tracks before it kills.

#1 – She has always done things just so.

I know that when I was growing up, my mother always did things just so.Christmas Eve involved a party, Christmas carols, one present and midnight mass. We never turned the heat on until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for immediate family. No one was required to eat everything on their plate. That was just how things were. And, as a result, that is how I was when I went into my marriage.

And, over the course of my ex husband’s life, my mother in law did things just so,” but her just so” didn’t match mine. And that definitely caused some friction in our relationship.

My ex-husband did not care how we did Christmas or birthday parties or when we turned the heat on; he would go along with whatever. Unfortunately, often, his mom’s whatever and mine were quite different. And, of course, I wanted to do things my way, my mom’s way. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.

What did my ex do? He tried to keep his head down and stay out of the conflict. As a result, my mother-in-law and I struggled in a big way over the first few years of my marriage. Did that poison my relationship with my husband? Definitely.

As the years went on, I learned to adapt. I learned to pick and choose what I wanted to do just so and let her have some wins on that one too. It worked to keep the peace between us but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that was present in the years before we worked things out.

#2 – They go way back.

Like it or not, your husband and his mother go WAAAAY back.

At one point in his life, she was his everything and he hers.

She taught him to walk and talk and eat and swim and read and drive. She was there for all of the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set on him!

I can tell you that my favorite man in the WHOLE WORLD is my son and he most likely always will be. (sorry boyfriend). It is hard for me to fathom that someday he will be with someone who he will love intensely, who he will turn to when he is sad, happy, excited or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the hell out of me. Because that is who I always was to him.

So, if you are wondering how his mother can poison your relationship, know that this is a thing. That she was there first and that her love for him is intense. And, you filling her shoes might be intensely painful.

If your man’s mother is causing conflict in your relationship, know that it might be based on this pain that losing her son to another woman is something that she has to get used to. I would encourage you to just be as kind and patient with her as you can give her some time to get used to the new reality.

If you can be kind during this period of transition instead of angry and offended, I think you will find that your relationship with your partner will be stronger because of it.

#3 – He might have conflicted allegiances.

Again, your man and his mother go way back. He has loved her his whole life and she has always been there for him. I am guessing that he would do anything for her. I know that my son would do anything for me.

So, imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life another woman he loves intensely who he would do anything for. And imagine if both of those women were asking different things of him.

Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but one of their strong points is not managing conflict between women. Remember, women spend every minute of every day of their life processing emotions. For us, we are fluent in it.

But men, not so much. For them, conflict is a scary, scary thing and something to be avoided at all costs!

So, when your man is presented with having to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most in the world, imagine how paralyzed he would be. He, most likely, doesn’t have the skills that he needs to navigate what is happening between the two of you. So ,what does he do? He just doesn’t deal. And what does that do? It makes the conflict worse.

If you find that your man is really struggling between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, recognize it for what it is. Have some compassion.Help him work through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all  that’s what couples do.

#4 – You might be jealous.

So, be honest with yourself. Are you just a little bit jealous of your guy’s mother? Are you perhaps jealous of all of their years together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he spends an hour every Sunday night on the phone with her, rearranging your schedules to do so?

If you are, don’t be hard on yourself. The jealousy is totally natural.

A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid and it can be a very intimidating one to come into. And we often come into relationships with men who are close to their mothers thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like dating a man who has a daughter, knowing that your guy has another woman who he loves like he does you can be off putting.

But I can tell you this. Everyone, everyone, has the capacity to love fully. Just because your man has big love for his mother, or his daughter, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a space in his heart  there is lots of room in there for all of you,” even if there were others in there first.

As a result, one way that his mother can poison your relationship actually has to do with YOU not with HER. Let me tell you how.

The last time that you and your man got into a scuffle about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him If you loved me more you would put me first?Or did you think to yourself that there is no way he could possible really love you if he didn’t automatically choose you every time?

If the answer to either of those statements is yes then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your man, not his mother. That you are insisting that the amount that he loves you is reflected by whether or not he chooses you over her. And tell yourself that, or, even worse, telling him, will only tear your relationship apart.

Your man can lovely you fully and completely and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in navigating it!

#5 – You are just two women in the world.

My father once said to me If we weren’t family we wouldn’t be friends. Lovely thing to hear from your father, no?

That being said, those words gave me pause they really made me think about the difference between friends and family.

Your friends you choose, your family you are given.

So, another way his mother can poison your relationship is if the two of you do not see eye to eye. If you most likely wouldn’t have been friends out in the real world then being getting along in this familial relationship will be even more challenging.

My step mother and I have had conflict for years. She has always hated my relationship with my father and has made my life miserable for 35 years (as I am sure I have done to her). What I realized as I became an adult is that we never would have been friends out in the real world. We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have kept moving. Just because my dad brought her into our world that didn’t mean that we would get along.

So, think about this. Might it be that you and your partner’s mother are just plain different that you might never be friends in the real world? If so, take that into account. Just because you are now (somewhat) related doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends.

Treat your man’s mother like you would a work colleague you didn’t really get along with. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational and know that, at the end of the day, you will go home with your partner and that she will go home to her house.

She doesn’t have to be your best friend; you already have plenty of those!

So, there are 5 ways his mother can poison your relationship, even if she does not mean to.

Relationships are complicated and none more so that the relationship of two women who love the same man mother,”son, or father/daughter.

What I can tell you is this you will never be able to change another woman’s behavior. You can only change your reaction to her behavior.

I would encourage you to recognized that she and her son go way back and that having you as part of their twosome is a new thing for everyone, something that will take some getting used to. Know that your man doesn’t really have the skills that he needs to mediate your relationship and that your jealousy might be playing a part of this situation. And know that you and your man’s mother might never be friends and that’s ok. Accept that and figure out a way to live with it people do it at work all the time.

Don’t let your partner’s mother poison your relationship. Change your reactions to her behavior, work together with your partner as to how to best manage the situation and know that there is room in his heart for both of you! I promise!

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