Why It’s Hard to Break Up with Someone Even if You Don’t Love Them

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Are you completely flummoxed about why it’s hard to break up someone, even if you don’t love them?

Do you think that it should be easy? I mean, you don’t love them and you want to find someone you do love, so breaking up should be easy, right?

Over my years of coaching clients in this exact position, I have come to learn that there are 5 clear reasons why it’s hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them. Knowing and understanding them might help you be able to take the step and break up with them so that you can both move on.

#1 – The idea of hurting them feels bad.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don’t love and the one that frustrates me the most because it’s not a good reason!

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It is really amazing. And, almost without exception, especially if they sleep with him, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And do you know what he does? He doesn’t tell them he isn’t interested.He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is afraid to hurt them.

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth.  Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don’t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#2 – You don’t want to mess up your friend group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people who find it hard to break up with someone it’s because of the effect that it will have on their friend group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren’t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn’t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren’t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love because of your friends, don’t. Move on. It might be tough in the short term but, in the long term, it is the right thing to do for both of your future happiness!

#3 -You are hoping things will change.

This is a really hard to accept reason why you can’t break up with someone that doing so will mean that you have accept that things might never change, that as much as you hope they will go back to the way things were or improve in the future, they won’t.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn’t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn’t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn’t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams as a result.

So, if you still hope that your relationship will change, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on the quality of your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it’s the first, keep fighting. If it’s the second, it’s time to move on.

#4 – You believe that you will never love, or be loved, again.

This might one of the primary reasons that you are finding it hard to break up with someone you don’t love.

I don’t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn’t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking, in high school, that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn’t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can’t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to be unhappy because, if you are stuck in this relationship, you won’t be able to find someone else.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, know that, if you do, if you can find the strength to do so, you will be way more likely to find the person of your dreams.

#5 – You are worried that you are making a mistake.

I have a client who has been in a relationship with a man since the start of Covid, March 2020.

Within months she knew that this was not the guy for her. He wasn’t employed, his politics were way off, she always had to pay for things, he would gaslight her horribly and pitifully apologize for what he had said. She was miserable and wanted out in a big way. But she couldn’t break up with him.

Why? Because she was worried that she was making a mistake. From the outside looking in, I knew that she wasn’t making a mistake but there was nothing I could do to convince her; she was just too close to it all to see clearly.

My client had been told by her parents over and over that she made stupid decisions. No matter what the choice she made they second guessed her. As a result, she really struggles with the wisdom of her decision to break up with him, even if she no longer loves him.

To deal with this, I encouraged her to look at past relationships, ones that she ultimately ended. Did it take her awhile to take action but she is glad that she did? And the answer was definitely yes. She managed to leave her husband after being unhappy for years. And, as a result, she was much happier. Recognizing this has helped her see that she can trust her own instincts, for her own happiness.

So, if you are finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them, it might be because you are worried that you are making a mistake. If this is you, push back on those fears. Look at past relationships that you managed to get out of and see if, ultimately, you made a mistake.

I am guessing probably not!

Finding it hard to break up with someone even if you don’t love them is not unusual.

I mean, you have all of this time invested in the relationship and you don’t like to give up on anything.

But you can do it! Knowing the signs will help.

If you are worried about hurting them and you don’t want to mess up your friend group, if you are hoping for change and worried that you are making a mistake or, worst of all, if you are worried that you will never love or be loved again, these are all reasons why breaking up is so difficult.

But you can do it. If you can accept that there will be some pain and uncomfortableness around a break up, if you can believe that you will be loved again, if you can have confidence that you aren’t making a mistake, then you will be able to break up with the person you don’t love and find a relationship that will make you happy!

5 Ways to Help a Friend Who is Depressed After a Break Up

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Good for you for trying to figure out how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up.

The second worst thing in the world, after getting depressed over our own break-up, is watching a friend suffer through one. We have been there, and we know how much it hurts, and our hearts go out to them.

What we don’t always know is the best way to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up. The path to break-up recovery is full of minefields, and as a friend, you want to help them through it and not make things worse.

To that end, here are ways to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up, ways that will get them through these dark times quicker, without leading to you ending up in the dog house for your efforts.

#1 – Consider what would you want…

When you have a friend who is depressed after a breakup, sometimes you feel helpless about how to help. One thing I would suggest is asking yourself what you would want.

I remember when my 13-year-old daughter’s best friend had a terrible break-up. My 13-year-old had never had a boyfriend, but the first thing she told her friend to do was to get some ice cream.

When she told me that, I knew that that was probably the first thing I would tell a friend as well, but I wondered how she knew, considering she had never had her heart broken.

‘That’s what I would want if I was feeling sad,’ she said. Brilliant.

So, think about what you would want if you were in the same place. I know that I would want to cry for a bit and then go out for a drink (or 5) with friends and rag on him and then go to the movies. I would eat Pad Thai and French fries and block him on my phone. I would suggest all of those things to my friend and see what stuck.

#2 – …but ask them what they want too.

I know that above I suggested doing things for your friend that you would want done for you, but sometimes what we would want just isn’t helpful at all. As a result, your friend could actually feel worse, being forced to do the things that would make YOU feel better.

So ask your friend what they need from you during these dark times. Do they want you around, or do they want you to go home? Do they want you to help them make a list of how horrible their ex is, or do they want to reminisce about how wonderful things were in the beginning? Do they want pizza or ice cream? Knowing what they want is the best way that we can help a friend in distress.

Of course, it’s often hard to see what would work when we are in such a dark place, so your friend might say they don’t know what they want. If that happens, go back to what you would want and see if any of those things appeal. You are friends, after all, so they just might.

#3 – Give them space.

Our tendency, when someone we love is hurting, is to hover over them, ready to take care of them. For women, especially, the inclination to make someone stop hurting is intense.

Unfortunately, many people err on the side of too much. They hover, waiting to do something that their person might want. They insist on sleeping over or staying for dinner or they do dishes or laundry or walk the dog, all in the attempt to help their person.

And, often, that just makes their person sadder.

So, pay attention to the signs. Yes, we like to have people around when we are in a dark place, but if you see any signs that you are being annoying, act on them. Make yourself scarce.

#4 – Listen to them and don’t try to fix them.

The number one worst thing that we can do when someone we love is depressed is to try to fix them. We so want to help, and yet, by trying to fix them, we tend to take only makes things worse.

Think about when you are feeling bad, no matter what the reason. Doesn’t it just piss you off when someone says ‘it’s all going to be ok,’ or ‘get over it’ or ‘relax’ or ‘move on.’ All of those things seem like platitudes and only make us feel horrible.

Even worse is when people start questioning your choices. ‘How can you be crying over that asshole?’ ‘Eating ice cream on the couch is a waste of time.’ ‘If you just take a shower we will go out and you will feel better.’

I 100% support you in the desire to help your friend who is depressed after a break-up, or for any reason, but thinking that you can fix them, or that they want to be fixed, will only make them feel worse about themselves, and all that trying to fix will do is drive a wedge between you.

So, listen to what they say, give them empathy, let them know that you are there but don’t try to fix them. They need to be broken for a while, and it’s up to them to fix themselves when they are ready.

#5 – Model healthy behaviors.

As I said above, trying to fix someone when they are feeling depressed will only backfire. Even if you believe that your friend needs to get out of the house and start living again, telling them so will only ground them further into their couch.

So, what should you do instead? You should do the things that you want your friend to do.

Imagine if you were feeling sad and your friend told you that it was time for you to get up and go for a walk with her, that it would make her feel better. How would that make you feel, having someone tell you what you needed to do to feel better? Not so good.

Instead, I would tell your friend that you are going for a walk and getting some ice cream. Paint a picture of what a perfect day it is for it and how good that chocolate chip is going to taste. By doing this, you are using the power of suggestion, planting the idea in her head that these things might be fun instead of telling her. That way, she might actually decide to go because she thinks that it’s her idea. And if she doesn’t go that time, she might just go the next time. On her own terms!

Knowing how to help a friend who is depressed after a break-up is hard.

There is truly nothing worse than a broken heart – we have all been there, and we know – and seeing someone suffer from one is devastating.

But remember, this is your friend’s journey. You won’t be able to fix them. You can be by their side, encouraging them and supporting them, but ultimately it will be up to them to take the steps that they need to take to get past the break-up and move on.

So, be a friend – be there for them, but don’t try to fix them. Ask them what they need and don’t tell them what you think they need. And when they don’t want you around, respect that.

And remember – your friend will be fine. It might take a while, but be patient. You know that no one ever dies from a broken heart. And your friend won’t either.

Life does go on, after all!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Surprising Signals that Your Relationship is Toxic and it’s Time to Run

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Are you looking for signals that your relationship is toxic?

Do you look around at other people in happy relationships and wonder how you can know if yours is one of the good ones?

Unfortunately, for many people it ‘ s hard to know when we are in a toxic relationship. We are just too close to it and deep in it and we can be blinded in many ways.

Fortunately, there are red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic. If you know what to look for, you can see the signals that your relationship is toxic and make the hard choice about whether to stay or go.

Here are 5 surprising signals that your relationship is toxic, five signals that you should heed if you see them.

#1 – You find yourself tip toeing around.

I have a client who is very confident out in the world. Out in the world he speaks up for what he wants, is confident in his action sand feels good about himself.

In contrast, when he is home, he feels unsafe and unsure. When he is in the presence of his wife he is quiet, knowing that if he says or does something that she doesn ‘ t like, she will yell at him. He doesn ‘ t take on projects around the house without her direction because he is worried that he might do the wrong thing. He spends lots of time in the garage, knowing that if he is out of sight he is out of danger.

Do you find that you walk on eggshells around your partner? That you are careful not to do anything that might upset them? That you will go out of your way to make them happy?

If the answer is yes to any of these questions then that is a clear signal that your relationship is toxic.

No one should feel uncomfortable being themselves in any relationship. Perhaps it ‘ s time you took a good look at yours and see how you fit in.

#2 – Your self-esteem is at an all time low.

For many of us in a relationship that is toxic, we no longer feel good about ourselves.

In some cases, it ‘ s because we are walking on eggshells and that makes us lose our self confidence. In other cases, we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves because our partners belittle us, in big ways and small, over and over and over.

I have a client whose husband never has a kind word to say about her. He never compliments her on how she looks or the dinner she cooked or how successful she is in her job. Sometimes he is just silent, saying nothing, which hurts her deeply. And sometimes he is very direct, telling her that her dress is horrible or that it ‘ s just luck that she does well at work.

These kind of direct and indirect attacks have slowly, over time, destroyed her self-esteem. They are like a thousand little cuts that might not bleed much but that ultimately leave you bloodless.

She no longer believes that she is the amazing person that other people think she is.

Are you struggling with self esteem issues brought about by your relationship? If yes, it might be a signal that you are in a toxic relationship, one that you might consider leaving.

#3 – You are always sick.

I remember back when I was unhappily married, I was always struggling with health issues. I developed allergies to foods, some of them psychosomatic. I was debilitated by a yeast overgrowth that led to fibromyalgia. I struggled with chronic pain in my body and constant depression. Basically, I was falling apart.

When we are in a relationship that is toxic, it takes an effect on our physical health. If one exists in a state of being constantly on edge, being cut down by our partners, of not feeling loved, it is impossible to maintain good health. Even if you are exercising regularly and eating well, the chances of you struggling with health issues if your relationship is toxic is significant.

Do you have chronic health issues? It could be a signal that your relationship is toxic. Not only should you see a doctor but perhaps it ‘ s time to consider whether it’s time to run, maybe to literally save your life.

#4 – You see substance abuse.

When you are in a relationship that is toxic, there are often signs of substance abuse, signs that are big red flags that should be paid attention to. And not just signs of substance abuse in your partner but in yourself.

Usually, when people are living in a deeply unhappy place, they look for ways to manage their unhappiness. In an ideal world, people would manage their unhappiness in healthy ways, like exercise and therapy. In this really tough world that we live in, however, many people turn to drugs, alcohol and infidelity to manage their moods.

Ironically, abusing substances can actually make a toxic relationship worse. Drug and alcohol abuse weakens filters and often people say and do things that they might not necessarily do in a sober state. Problems that seem manageable suddenly become less so. Tempers flare and emotional and/or physical abuse can ensue. If both partners are abusing substances things can escalate quickly, causing damage that can not be repaired.

Furthermore, abusing substances can lead to depression. When we are depressed, dealing with another person is even harder and feeling good about yourself is impossible. Even if your partner isn ‘ t abusing substances, you doing so is a red flag that your relationship is toxic and that things need to change.

#5 – You no longer have friends.

A client of mine was in a relationship that was toxic and one of the biggest side effects, one that took a long time for him to notice, was that their friends had fallen away, leaving them alone and struggling.

Think about couples you know who are in unhappy relationships. Are they fun to be with? If you choose to go out to dinner, would you invite them along? Does time spent with them make everyone uncomfortable and on edge?

Are you this couple to your friends? The one who no one likes to hang out with anymore.

Even if you are still invited places as a couple, your individual friends may pull away from you if you are in a relationship that is toxic. If all you want to do is talk about how unhappy you are and how much your partner sucks, especially if you just want to talk about it and not take steps to fix it, you might find that your friends have less of an inclination to spend time with you. Life is hard enough without having to be constantly dragged down by an unhappy friend.

So, take a look at your friendships. Are your couple friends still inviting you to do things? Are your personal friends making excuses to not spend time with you? If the answer to either of those questions are yes, you might be in a relationship that is toxic and perhaps it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at trying to fix it or get out.

Knowing red flags that signal that your relationship is toxic is an essential way of both escaping from one and preventing you from entering a new one.

When we are in a toxic relationship it is often hard to tell because it is our reality 24/7 and having some clear signs to look out for, instead of relying on your feelings, can help you figure out what the next steps might be.

So, if you find yourself walking around on eggshells, trying not to upset your partner, if your self-esteem and your health are flagging, if one or both of you is abusing substances and if you are losing your friends, you might very well be in a toxic relationship, one that needs to be addressed NOW so that you can get your life back.

5 Reasons Your Married Man Stayed with His Wife but Won’t Let You Go

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are miserable, that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go.

I am guessing that you have spent months, years, maybe even decades, believing that he would do what he said he would do and leave his wife. And now you know for sure – he isn ‘ t going to do it.

But I am guessing the most painful part of it is that he won ‘ t let you go. That, in spite of the fact that he has made you promises that he has broken and that he has chosen his wife over you, he won ‘ t let you go. It sucks.

The question you are most probably asking is ‘why?’ Why won ‘ t he just let you go so that you get on with your life?

Let me tell you why your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go nonetheless.

#1 – You give him pleasure.

One of the reasons that you and your married guy got together in the first place was because of the pleasure that you gave each other.

Most likely, your married guy was in an unhappy marriage and when he met you he found the happiness that he wasn ‘ t getting at home. And you were probably so thrilled to find a man who finally got you that you were willing to take a risk, even though he was married.

And now, how many months, years or decades later, while you might be mostly miserable because of his broken promises, he still gets pleasure from being with you.

You are a break from the routine of this life. When you aren ‘ t fighting about why he won ‘ t leave his wife, you still laugh together. The sex is great because of all the drama. And I am guessing that you take care of him – which he loves.

If he lets you go, your married man will lose that pleasure. He will lose having someone in his life who is willing to fight for him, to care for him. And he needs that. Desperately.

Be honest with yourself. Is what I have said above true? Do you have a lot of miserable nights but are you still very much getting pleasure from each other ‘ s company when things are good? I am guessing so.

Why would he let that go?

#2 – He is still miserable.

I have a client who, after one and a half years of hoping that her married man would leave his wife, finally walked away. She just couldn ‘ t take it anymore. And she was determined to not take him back.

And he freaked out! He was back with his wife but he was still miserable. Nothing had changed. They stayed together for the children or the finances or maybe even to work on the marriage, but the reality is is that, even if a couple is working on a marriage, the going will be rough.

And guys don ‘ t like rough. They like to have their paths smooth and easy because a rough one is exhausting.

My client did manage to walk away, finally. And she never talked to her married guy again. But she does occasionally stalk him on social media and see the pictures that he posts of him and his wife, ‘ ˜having fun ‘ together. They look happy but she can still see in his eyes that he is miserable. It makes her want to go back and take care of him, because she still loves him, but she knows that, while he might still love her, he would merely be using her to make himself feel better in his world.

We all know what it ‘ s like to be in an unhappy relationship and the prospect of finding happiness again without doing the hard work of fixing it is irresistible. Unfortunately, the band aid of an affair is only a stop gap, a way to get your emotional needs tended to without doing the hard work. And the prospect of having that band aid fall off permanently is the reason that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go

#3 – He is jealous.

Again, your man is most likely miserable now that he has stayed with his wife. Even if they are going to therapy, their journey is a long one and one that he is, most likely, dreading.

For you, however, the sky is the limit. If you can let go of your married guy, yes you will have to start dating again, but the opportunity to actually be happy, to get your life back, to rebuild your self-esteem and find love again, is yours for the taking. And the idea of that makes him crazy!

A client of mine, after finally being able to let go of her married guy, jumped into building a business for herself as a way to fill the hole left by his absence. As she built her business she reconnected with old friends, travelled, exercised and got a dog. As her business grew and she didn ‘ t have to spend every waking hour obsessing about her guy, her self-esteem flourished. For the first time in a long time, she didn ‘ t feel like second best. She didn ‘ t feel abandoned.

And what happened? One day she was having lunch with a friend when a friend of her friend walked by. Their first contact was electric and within a week they were spending time together. Because she had rebuilt her life after her affair, she was willing and able to find a healthy relationship, one that made her feel important and loved.

And her married man? He was still living the same life that he had before he met her, with future happiness unknown. Why would he want to let her go if her prospects of happiness made him jealous, made him feel bad about his?

No, it would be easier, and selfish, for him to put his needs first and give her no chance to be happy.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want anything to change.

Nobody likes change. In my experience, guys especially don ‘ t like change. Change messes up the order of their universe and drastic change can have a big effect.

If your married guy stays with his wife but still won ‘ t let you go it is very likely that he is doing so so that things will remain as they are. Yes, it is tough for him to have to fight with you about his marriage but he still gets a lot out of your relationship. If he let you go there would be a void that he would have to fill, his routines around finding time for you would shift and he might find himself preoccupied and distracted by the new order of things.

Change is scary. Any kind of change. And no one wants it if they can possibly stop it. And letting go of a relationship, of any kind, is the worst change of all!

#5 – You let him.

The number one reason why your married guy stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go is because you let him.

Be honest with yourself. Are you still hanging on? Do you feel like he is your soul mate and that walking away would be a big mistake? Do you still hold out hope that he will leave his wife and be with you? Do you think that you will never find anyone to love you the way he does again?

For many women who say their man ‘ ˜won ‘ t let them go ‘ they have an equal share in the ‘ ˜why. ‘ They want out, they say, but they don ‘ t follow through. Sure, maybe for a day or a week but then their person reaches out to them and lures them back in again. And this can happen over and over and over.

We all have free will – we are in control of our universe and we can decide what we want to do and follow through. You saying that your guy is forcing you to stay is a cop-out. You are staying because you want to. You are staying because you can ‘ t walk away. You are staying because you can’t find the courage to leave.

The best way to get your married man to let you go is to walk away. To let him go. For all the reasons I listed above he won ‘ t leave you. But you can leave him.

The sooner you do the sooner you can get yourself back and start living your life!

Having your married man stay with his wife but not let you go is, unfortunately, not unusual in our world.

While everyone thinks that their affair involves a love that is greater than all loves, that their person is their soulmate, in reality we are all just people in the world, doing our best to find love and be happy. And people are fallible, no matter how much love they might feel.

As a result, letting go of someone who makes them happy, no matter how selfish the motivation, is very hard to do.

On a final note, I want you to review the list above. Every single one involves what YOU do for HIM. None of those things are because he wants to make you happy or take care of you. He keeps you around for himself. Period.

Walk away. Now. You can do it!

5 Ways to Survive the Holidays While in a Toxic Relationship

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Are you looking for ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

With everything else that is going on during the holidays, does your toxic relationship increase your stress and keep you from enjoying what is wonderful about the season?

Daily life is hard enough in a toxic relationship. Are you wondering how you will be able to make it through the holidays this year without losing your mind?

There are ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship and reading this article is an excellent first step for you to do so.

So, how does one survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

#1 – Avoid triggers.

Be honest with yourself. There must be triggers that can turn your relationship from good to bad, maybe even on the turn of a dime. I am guessing those triggers are pretty consistent and you know exactly what they are.

I would encourage you to take stock of those triggers and to do whatever you can to avoid them during the holiday season.

If you always fight about putting up the Christmas lights, perhaps just let your partner do it this year. If you always fight about your relationship with your parents, try to figure out a way to not have that be an issue. If you always fight because the house is messy, perhaps make an extra effort to keep it tidy.

A toxic relationship is a minefield of triggers, things that usually make things turn sour. If you can avoid them, and maybe even talk to your partner about avoiding them too, you are way more likely to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#2 – Don ‘ t expect things to be different.

Every year, many people in toxic relationships go into the holidays hoping that things are going to be different this year. Hoping that the disaster that was last Christmas won ‘ t happen again or that the toxicity that pervades your daily life will dissipate during the holiday season.

Unfortunately, unless you and your partner have been able to work on your toxic relationship over the course of the past year, things most likely won ‘ t be different.

For my ex and me, whenever a birthday or holiday approached, there was an issue around spending time with family. How I had spent my birthdays and holidays was very different from how he had spent his. I wanted to be at home with just our immediate family and he wanted to travel to see his extended family. Every holiday we fought about what we were going to do. And, every holiday, once it was over, we just ignored what had happened and moved on. Until the next holiday and the issue, and the fighting, came up again.

This issue was a huge bone of contention with my ex and as Christmas approached, it became even BIGGER! Pretty much the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas we struggled with this issue. And it made the holidays significantly less enjoyable.

And, every year, because we hadn ‘ t dealt with the issue earlier, the monster raised its ugly head again.

I believe that, if we had made an effort to deal with it over the years, instead of just ignoring it, then things might actually have had a chance to be different.

But we didn ‘ t – and things just remained the same.

#3 – Control your own emotions and reactions.

You cannot change someone else nor can you change someone else ‘ s emotional reactions but you can change yours.

I am sure that the toxic encounters you have with your partner bring out many emotions. Anger, contempt, unhappiness and frustration are a few that come to mind. And those emotions can get BIG and make those encounters even worse!

I would encourage you to try, during this holiday season, to control those emotions. To try to not let them make issues even bigger.

If your partner does something that normally triggers you, I would encourage you to pause and take a deep breath before you react. Pause and notice what your emotions are. And, if you can, take a few more deep breaths and try to calm down your nervous system so that you don ‘ t react in a destructive way.

If you can control your emotions, if you can control your reactions to your partner ‘ s behaviors, you might be able to take the toxicity down a notch and that might go a long way towards being able to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Ask family and friends for help.

Many of our family and friends know that we are in toxic relationships and many of them do what they can to support us throughout the year. And yet, for some reason, during the holiday season, things can be different. People get caught up in their own stuff and forget about yours.

I would encourage you to, if your friends or family are in any way contributors to the toxicity in the holiday, ask them for help.

My mother used to help me get through the holidays. How? By accepting the fact that I would not be able to spend a lot of time with her because I had to spend time with my ex ‘ s family. She made an extra special effort to get us all together another time with year, a time of year that wasn ‘ t full of the holiday craziness. Not only did this help her to not be disappointed at Christmas, but it also tempered the conflict between my ex and me and that made Christmas just a little bit more bearable.

Being in a toxic relationship is hard to manage on your own. If you can ask for the support of those who love you, it might help you survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship in a way that might be different from if you were doing it on your own.

#5 – Know that the holidays will end.

So many of us dread this holiday season because of everything that happens. All the present buying, the baking, the pressure to see family etc. will put a tremendous amount of pressure on any relationship. The pressure on a toxic relationship is even more so.

What I always tell people to keep in mind is that ,on January 2, the holiday season will be over. All the pressure that they are struggling with will be over. And with the holidays being over, things can go back to normal.

I know that, if you are in a toxic relationship, normal isn ‘ t necessarily a great thing but normal is probably better than it is during the holiday season. And, when you get to January 2, you will have actually survived another holiday! Well done!

Surviving the holidays while in a toxic relationship can be very difficult to do.

Many of the things that I have suggested are things that YOU can do to get through this crazy time. I know you don ‘ t believe that you should have to make all the compromises to keep your relationship on even ground during the holidays but if you truly want to survive them, making compromises might be the key.

Again, you can not change someone else ‘ s reactions and behaviors, but you can change your own. And that is the key to survival this season – your reactions.

All of this being said, January is the time of year where the high numbers of people file for divorce. Many people think, after the dreadful holiday season, that they just can ‘ t do this one more year. As a result, they walk away. And this just might be an option for you. If you can keep your head down and get through the holiday season, you might be able to make change on the other side.

In the meantime, knowing ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship is an important way to keep yourself together and to enjoy the holidays as best you can.

You can do it!

Why Grieving the End of Your Toxic Relationship Is Totally Normal

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Are you reading this because you are wondering why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship and, perhaps, feeling like a loser because of it?

You should be overjoyed right? You just escaped a toxic relationship, after all that time suffering, and now you are free to live your life and be happy.

Instead, you find yourself grieving.

I bet it ‘ s super confusing and painful and you just want it to end.

I believe that understanding why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship is a big step towards letting go of the pain and moving on. To that end, below are 5 reasons why you are experiencing grief after surviving a toxic relationship and how to cope so that you can move forward and be happy.

#1 – You truly believed things were fixable.

So many of my clients tell me that they won ‘ t walk away from their abusive relationships because they aren ‘ t quitters.

They truly believe that if they just love their person enough, if they stand by their side in spite of abusive behaviors, that their person will change and they will be happy again.

Here you are, on the other side of your breakup, and you are grieving because you weren ‘ t able to fix them, or the relationship. You might feel like you have let everyone down. You might even feel like you have abandoned your person.

Let me tell you that, no matter how much you might have tried, your person wasn ‘ t fixable unless they wanted to be fixed. And you are probably grieving this fact – that you couldn ‘ t save the relationship, or someone you once loved, and that makes you beyond sad.

I would encourage you to let yourself off the hook. No one can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You didn’t fail. You couldn ‘ t have made any change alone, no matter how hard you tried to do so.

#2 – You blame yourself.

One of the most insidious things about a toxic relationship is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire his lover and for three years he promised he would and he never did. She was beside herself and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy again. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? That he isn’t lying to her but that she refuses to believe the truth. Because of his accusations, his gaslighting, she truly questions her mental health most days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship was toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person was making your life difficult and, while you might have played a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#3 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, it ‘ s so hard when you are grieving the end of a toxic relationship and you believe that you will never be happy again. Right now, it just seems impossible. But I would also argue that a lot of your grieving comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are still grieving after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed about the break up but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they grieve.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. A client once told me that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard and that you REALLY don’t feel like doing it but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be grieving the loss of your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#4- You believed you were soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you shared with your person islike none other? That the intense passion and connection that you shared can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go is such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship, especially toxic relationships because they are so passionate and emotional. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

I mean, how cansomeone who hurts you over and over be your soulmate? Really, how can they?

If you can accept that this person who abused you is not your soulmate (even if it felt that way in the beginning) then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magical.

I did.

#5- You have to let go of dreams for the future.

I have a client who was abused one time too many and made the decision to finally walk away.

For her, she saw her family die in that moment. She saw that the dreams she had of an intact family and grandchildren coming home and growing old with someone had been dashed, maybe forever.

And she believed she might be alone forever, that she would never love, or be loved, again.

One of the reasons you are still experiencing grief is because you are grieving the loss of those dreams for the future and that your new future is scary and murky.

What I can tell you, as someone who has survived an abusive relationship, that leaving this situation is the only way that your dreams for the future will come true. You will find love and happiness again. I promise!

Grieving the end of your toxic relationship is not only totally normal but it could be the best thing that could be happening to you right now.

Why? Because it means that you are moving forward.

Letting go of an abusive relationship comes in stages – much like death. Right now, you are grieving. And grieving is one of the 7 steps of getting past loss. The other are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, and acceptance/hope. I am betting that you are through some of those as well.

But I promise you that this grieving the end of your toxic relationship will pass. You will come to accept that the past is the past and look towards the future, a future filled with happiness and love.

5 Things to Never Ignore if You Want a Healthy Relationship

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Knowing what things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship is a key part of keeping your relationship in good health.

We so often see lists of all the things we need to do to keep our relationship happy but it ‘ s rare to see one that talks about the things that we might not see, the things that might be happening in our relationship right now, things that we might be ignoring that are taking us down a dangerous path.

I know that, when I was married, there were plenty of signs that I ignored, plenty of small signals that were there, ones that, if I had noticed them, would have showed me how unhappy my relationship truly was.

To that end, I ‘ m going to share with you now 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Knowing them will help you have a healthy relationship, one with staying power!

#1 – You have stopped talking to each other.

Think about it.

When was the last time your partner came home from work and you put down what you were doing and greeted them?

When was the last time you talked about something other than the children or work?

When was the last time you connected on any meaningful topic?

When was the last time you had pillow talk before you went to bed?

When was the last time you talked about an issue that really needed to be discussed instead of avoiding it?

Every healthy relationship ‘ ˜to do ‘ list talks about the importance of communication. And yes, it is so very important. But it ‘ s important to not just discuss the ‘ ˜issues ‘ but also to talk about the good stuff. The stuff that makes you feel connected, that makes you feel interested in each other. The stuff that has always made you laugh together.

If you notice that you guys are no longer talking to each other, if your conversations consist purely of talk about the kids and/or fighting, then it ‘ s definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#2 – You are kicking things down the road.

If there is one thing I regret more than anything else in my marriage, it ‘ s that I, we, kicked things down the road, we put off dealing with things that should have been addressed immediately.

I think we both knew that there were issues in our marriage but both of us hoped that, if we were patient and if life eventually got less crazy, we would be able to work through them. Because we believed that to be true, we tended to ignore our issues and focus on life and the kids. Over time, our issues got bigger because we didn ‘ t address them. And then, one day, they were just too big and our marriage ended.

You know when you have a work project or a homework project due and you work on it regularly so that you know you will be able to pass it in on time and get a good grade or positive feedback. You know what happens when you don ‘ t do that – when you procrastinate and get it done at the last minute? How does that work out? Not so great, I would imagine.

That was my marriage. We started out eager to work hard to be happy but, as time went on and things got harder, we started procrastinating, assuming that we would one day be able to get our project in on time, successfully.

We didn ‘ t.

#3 – You are making decisions on your own.

I remember very well when my daughter came home from her second week of high school and announced that she wanted to go to boarding school. We had just moved to Boulder and she was at her first public school and she hated it. More than anything.

She went upstairs, did research on boarding schools, and within an hour, found two that she was interested in attending.

Without even talking to my husband, I reached out to both of those schools to see if they might have availability for a last-minute entrant. One of them did. I made an appointment to visit that school over the weekend with my daughter.

I did all of this without checking with my husband.

By the time he got home, I had created a narrative that I shared with him, one where it seemed like I asked him his opinion about what he thought about our daughter going to boarding school, but, really, I knew the decision had already been made.

What should have happened is that my daughter sat down with both of her parents and we could have all talked through what she wanted to do and made a decision together. If we had done that, I believe that my husband and I, because we were sharing the decision making, would have stayed closer to each other instead of being driven further apart.

Instead, I took over and made the decision, leaving my husband, I am sure, not feeling like a part of a team. But he didn ‘ t say anything and I did the same thing over and over. And he did too.

Making decisions unilaterally is definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#4 – You aren ‘ t making each other a priority.

I know, I know. Life is crazy. There are children, and careers, and parents, and exercise, and TikTok, and Instagram, and TV. But there is also your relationship and it is important to make sure that it is taken into consideration, always.

What if I asked you where on that list above you would put your relationship. Would you put it first? Third? Fifth? Choose one and take note.

Now, think about how that looks in real life. Do you treat your partner like they are first, third or fifth or are they usually (or always) at the end of your list? Or perhaps you MEAN to make them first, third or fifth and other things get in the way.

Try to think about your relationship like you do your job. You have to go to work every day and focus on the job so that you can get it done and get it done well. Can you have the same perspective in your relationships? Can you remember that it ‘ s important to work on them every day, to get the job done well?

I would encourage you to make your relationship one of your top (if not your top) priorities and make sure that you stick to it.

You would be amazed at how many little hurts can be overcome if your person knows that you make them a priority every day and never put them last.

#5 – You have stopped touching each other.

When you were first together, did you and your partner regularly touch? Did you hug, put your arms around each other as you walked down the street, hold hands at the movies? Was touching a normal part of your day, one that felt as natural as could be?

Do you do that anymore?

For many people, the first thing that goes as couples become disconnected from each other is touching. It isn ‘ t because couples no longer care, but it ‘ s that they no longer have the inclination, or the time, to do so. And letting go of touch is letting of a big part of a romantic connection.

Touch is incredibly important in an intimate relationship. And not necessarily just sex – it ‘ s important to hold hands, to hug, to pat someone ‘ s butt as they walk by.

Touching your partner intimately sets that relationship apart from every other relationship in your life and being different makes that relationship special. If you continue to touch, if reaching for each other ‘ s hand is still the norm and not the exception, then your relationship will have an excellent chance of staying healthy.

So, there you go – 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

Remember, there are many lists out there of things you should do to have a healthy relationship but it ‘ s really important to know the things not to ignore NOW if you want to make sure that your relationship stays strong

If you have stopped communicating, if you aren ‘ t dealing with issues in a timely manner, if you are making plans on your own, if you put your partner at the end of your list and if you stop touching each other, these things are all signs that a healthy relationship could be in jeopardy.

I encourage you to take action right now, to not ignore these things and to work WITH YOUR PARTNER to keep your relationship healthy. One person in a relationship can not do all the work to keep it healthy. It is a team effort so make sure that you share this list with your partner so that you can work together to keep your relationship and healthy and happy one!

You can do it!

15 Inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes

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When you are trying to let go of a toxic relationship, some ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ quotes might be just the thing to help you do so.

When you are wondering if you can let go of someone who is treating you badly, do you believe that the words of others might provide you the support and guidance that you need?

When you know that the words of someone who has been where you are now and come out the other side happier, stronger and clearer, will you be inspired to believe that the same could happen for you?

Let me share 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You” quotes so that you can find the strength to do what you know it is you need to do!

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‘Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.’- Ann Landers

‘Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we ‘ re settling for.’ – Mandy Hale

‘If you didn ‘ t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.’- Sarah Dessen

‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.’- Carl Jung

‘If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.’ – Michael Bassey Johnson

‘Let go of certainty. The opposite isn ‘ t uncertainty. It ‘ s openness, curiosity, and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose upsides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.’ – Tony Schwartz

‘Renew, release, let go. Yesterday ‘ s gone. There ‘ s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can ‘ t ‘ should ‘ ve ‘ done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Holding on is believing that there ‘ s only a past; letting go is knowing that there ‘ s a future.’ – Daphne Rose Kingma

‘Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don ‘ t care, but because they don ‘ t.’ – Anon

‘People don ‘ t care for you when you are alone. They just care for you when they are alone.’ – Anon

‘If you want to live, stop asking permission, do it now and regret later.”‘- Anon

‘A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting ‘ ¦If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.’ – Autumn Kohler

‘Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.’ – Dennisse Lisseth

‘I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.’ – James Baldwin

‘Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it ‘ s over and you ‘ re relieved.’ – John Green

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So there go you – 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes.

I am hoping that these quotes will help you to make the decision that you need to make, to help you manage the pain and to know that there is a light at the end of the rainbow.

Because there is. You just need to take that first step towards it!

You can do it!

 

 

5 Ways to Know When to Walk Away After Infidelity

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Knowing when to walk away after infidelity is very important.

The trauma of discovering infidelity is devastating and it leaves us with jumbled thoughts and no idea how to move forward. As a result, we often make choices that are not in our best interest, choices that can drag out recovery indefinitely.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity, keeping a lookout for signs that will let you know that it is time, is the key to making sure that the infidelity doesn ‘ t affect the rest of your life.

Here are five ways to know when to walk away after infidelity. Understanding them might help you take the steps forward that you need to take to get through this.

#1 – The cheater refuses to take ownership.

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, refused to take responsibility for what they did?

Do they tell you that it wasn ‘ t a big deal, that it happened once, that the sex wasn ‘ t very good and that you should just get over it?

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, blame you for what they did? Do they tell you that if you had only been nicer or had more sex with them or given them more freedom, they would never have cheated?

If a cheater isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of what they did, to own up to the fact that they violated the boundaries of your relationship and they caused you a tremendous amount of pain, it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

Someone who isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of the fact that they cheated is somebody who might very well cheat again. They don ‘ t believe that they were at fault and, consequently, they might see cheating as something that they can do again.

#2 – The cheater refuses to talk about what happened.

I am sure, now that you know about the affair, that you have a lot of questions about what happened.

You probably want to know why it happened, how it happened and all the nitty-gritty details so that you can wrap your mind around all of it. Perhaps you believe that if you only had more information, you could make sense of it all.

When you approach your partner to talk about the infidelity, do they shut you down? Do they refuse to talk about it and suggest that you act like it didn ‘ t happen and move on? Do they yell and scream when you try to ask questions, telling you that you are being stupid to even ask?

A key part of surviving infidelity is communication. It is important that your person is honest with you, that they are willing to talk about what happened. If you are wondering when to walk away after infidelity, this is definitely an indicator that it might be.

All of that being said, I would absolutely recommend that you don ‘ t ask too many questions. That you get some clarity about what is going on that brought you to this place but, I believe, that knowing too many details will ultimately be harmful.

One of my clients demanded that her husband show her all of the text messages between him and his lover. She regrets it. She saw things that she could never unsee, things that caused her substantially more pain and that stuck with her as they tried to work through this and beyond, after they got divorced.

So, keep that in mind going forward, especially if you want to work through this and maybe come out the other side intact.

#3 – The cheater isn ‘ t willing to make change.

A key part of surviving infidelity is recognizing the need for change.

The need for change in the relationship, the need for change of perspective, and the need for things to be different going forward.

To survive infidelity, it is important to take a look at the relationship and what is missing from it. It is important to discuss how to do things differently moving forward. It is important to define boundaries that you might need to process what has happened.

After I found out that my ex had cheated, I requested that we go to therapy. I wanted to work through what had happened. I wasn ‘ t sure I would be able to forgive him but I wanted to try. He said that he would go but only so ‘ ˜we could move on. ‘ He wasn ‘ t willing to make change – he wanted me to accept what had happened and move forward, like an ostrich, with my head in the sand.

I didn ‘ t forgive him. We didn’t ‘move on’ after his cheating. And his unwillingness to make change, to look at what we could do differently, to fight for our relationship, was a key sign for me of when to walk away after infidelity.

#4 – You can ‘ t rebound from the self-esteem hit.

Be honest. Since you learned your partner cheated, have you been really hard on yourself?

Are you blaming yourself for what happened? Are you feeling like an idiot for missing the signs? Do you question everything about yourself – your body, your hair, your eyes, your brain etc.?

This happens after we are cheated on. We feel less than in every way. I mean, why would someone cheat on us? It can only be because we aren ‘ t enough, correct?

I know that when I found out that my ex was cheating it threw me down into a darkness that I had never experienced before. Everything that I thought I knew about myself, I questioned. I was sure that I would never love or be loved again because I wasn ‘ t worthy. I was sure that I would never survive the pain of what had happened.

But, after a time, my self-esteem rebounded. I found pleasure in life again doing volunteer work and getting my real estate license. I started dating and discovered that I was, in fact, loveable. I recognized what had happened in my relationship and took full ownership of my role in it. I healed.

I do believe that, if I had stayed in the relationship after the infidelity, I never would have been able to strengthen my self-esteem. I believe that if I was reminded every day about what had happened, if I compromised my principles, I just would have sunk deeper into that dark place, reliving what had happened over and over again.

So, if you are finding that your self esteem is at rock bottom and not rebounding, then it might be time to walk away after infidelity. Your self-esteem is key to your happiness and if it stays in that dark place, you might never get it back.

#5 – Forgiveness is not an option.

Have all of the things above happened? Has your partner been willing to take ownership, have they been willing to talk about what happened, have they been willing to make change and is your self-esteem recovering?

And yet, in spite of this, are you finding it impossible to forgive your person for what happened and to move on?

I have a client whose wife was never able to forgive him for what happened, no matter how much he tried to work through it with her. And, while she refused to forgive him, she also refused to leave the marriage. As a result, they had 10 more years of misery together.

Imagine what would have happened if that wife had left the relationship because she couldn ‘ t forgive her person. If instead of re-injuring herself whenever she looked at him, instead of holding onto a grudge for ten years. If she had just walked away after infidelity, she might have had a chance to find love and happiness instead of withering away in an unhappy marriage.

If you are finding that you cannot forgive your person for what they did, then it ‘ s time to walk away after infidelity. Staying will only cause you more pain and prevent you from finding happiness.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity can be really hard to do. But it ‘ s very important part of moving on, either with your partner or alone.

The important things to watch out for is whether or not the cheater can take ownership, whether they ‘ re willing to communicate and whether they ‘ re willing to make change.

It ‘ s also important that you take accountability for where you are at. If your self-esteem is decimated and doesn ‘ t seem to be recovering, perhaps it is time to walk away so that you can do what you need to do to rebuild your self-confidence. Furthermore, if there is no way that you can forgive your person there is no point in condemning yourself, and your partner, to a life of misery.

Know that, if it is time to walk away after infidelity, it ‘ s OK. I know you feel like you will never be happy again and that you will never trust someone again but I can promise you that, with time, you will be able to find happiness and love and live happily ever after the way you ‘ ve always wanted to.

I promise!

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