5 Reasons Your Married Man Stayed with His Wife but Won’t Let You Go

/by


If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are miserable, that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go.

I am guessing that you have spent months, years, maybe even decades, believing that he would do what he said he would do and leave his wife. And now you know for sure – he isn ‘ t going to do it.

But I am guessing the most painful part of it is that he won ‘ t let you go. That, in spite of the fact that he has made you promises that he has broken and that he has chosen his wife over you, he won ‘ t let you go. It sucks.

The question you are most probably asking is ‘why?’ Why won ‘ t he just let you go so that you get on with your life?

Let me tell you why your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go nonetheless.

#1 – You give him pleasure.

One of the reasons that you and your married guy got together in the first place was because of the pleasure that you gave each other.

Most likely, your married guy was in an unhappy marriage and when he met you he found the happiness that he wasn ‘ t getting at home. And you were probably so thrilled to find a man who finally got you that you were willing to take a risk, even though he was married.

And now, how many months, years or decades later, while you might be mostly miserable because of his broken promises, he still gets pleasure from being with you.

You are a break from the routine of this life. When you aren ‘ t fighting about why he won ‘ t leave his wife, you still laugh together. The sex is great because of all the drama. And I am guessing that you take care of him – which he loves.

If he lets you go, your married man will lose that pleasure. He will lose having someone in his life who is willing to fight for him, to care for him. And he needs that. Desperately.

Be honest with yourself. Is what I have said above true? Do you have a lot of miserable nights but are you still very much getting pleasure from each other ‘ s company when things are good? I am guessing so.

Why would he let that go?

#2 – He is still miserable.

I have a client who, after one and a half years of hoping that her married man would leave his wife, finally walked away. She just couldn ‘ t take it anymore. And she was determined to not take him back.

And he freaked out! He was back with his wife but he was still miserable. Nothing had changed. They stayed together for the children or the finances or maybe even to work on the marriage, but the reality is is that, even if a couple is working on a marriage, the going will be rough.

And guys don ‘ t like rough. They like to have their paths smooth and easy because a rough one is exhausting.

My client did manage to walk away, finally. And she never talked to her married guy again. But she does occasionally stalk him on social media and see the pictures that he posts of him and his wife, ‘ ˜having fun ‘ together. They look happy but she can still see in his eyes that he is miserable. It makes her want to go back and take care of him, because she still loves him, but she knows that, while he might still love her, he would merely be using her to make himself feel better in his world.

We all know what it ‘ s like to be in an unhappy relationship and the prospect of finding happiness again without doing the hard work of fixing it is irresistible. Unfortunately, the band aid of an affair is only a stop gap, a way to get your emotional needs tended to without doing the hard work. And the prospect of having that band aid fall off permanently is the reason that your married man stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go

#3 – He is jealous.

Again, your man is most likely miserable now that he has stayed with his wife. Even if they are going to therapy, their journey is a long one and one that he is, most likely, dreading.

For you, however, the sky is the limit. If you can let go of your married guy, yes you will have to start dating again, but the opportunity to actually be happy, to get your life back, to rebuild your self-esteem and find love again, is yours for the taking. And the idea of that makes him crazy!

A client of mine, after finally being able to let go of her married guy, jumped into building a business for herself as a way to fill the hole left by his absence. As she built her business she reconnected with old friends, travelled, exercised and got a dog. As her business grew and she didn ‘ t have to spend every waking hour obsessing about her guy, her self-esteem flourished. For the first time in a long time, she didn ‘ t feel like second best. She didn ‘ t feel abandoned.

And what happened? One day she was having lunch with a friend when a friend of her friend walked by. Their first contact was electric and within a week they were spending time together. Because she had rebuilt her life after her affair, she was willing and able to find a healthy relationship, one that made her feel important and loved.

And her married man? He was still living the same life that he had before he met her, with future happiness unknown. Why would he want to let her go if her prospects of happiness made him jealous, made him feel bad about his?

No, it would be easier, and selfish, for him to put his needs first and give her no chance to be happy.

#4 – He doesn ‘ t want anything to change.

Nobody likes change. In my experience, guys especially don ‘ t like change. Change messes up the order of their universe and drastic change can have a big effect.

If your married guy stays with his wife but still won ‘ t let you go it is very likely that he is doing so so that things will remain as they are. Yes, it is tough for him to have to fight with you about his marriage but he still gets a lot out of your relationship. If he let you go there would be a void that he would have to fill, his routines around finding time for you would shift and he might find himself preoccupied and distracted by the new order of things.

Change is scary. Any kind of change. And no one wants it if they can possibly stop it. And letting go of a relationship, of any kind, is the worst change of all!

#5 – You let him.

The number one reason why your married guy stayed with his wife but won ‘ t let you go is because you let him.

Be honest with yourself. Are you still hanging on? Do you feel like he is your soul mate and that walking away would be a big mistake? Do you still hold out hope that he will leave his wife and be with you? Do you think that you will never find anyone to love you the way he does again?

For many women who say their man ‘ ˜won ‘ t let them go ‘ they have an equal share in the ‘ ˜why. ‘ They want out, they say, but they don ‘ t follow through. Sure, maybe for a day or a week but then their person reaches out to them and lures them back in again. And this can happen over and over and over.

We all have free will – we are in control of our universe and we can decide what we want to do and follow through. You saying that your guy is forcing you to stay is a cop-out. You are staying because you want to. You are staying because you can ‘ t walk away. You are staying because you can’t find the courage to leave.

The best way to get your married man to let you go is to walk away. To let him go. For all the reasons I listed above he won ‘ t leave you. But you can leave him.

The sooner you do the sooner you can get yourself back and start living your life!

Having your married man stay with his wife but not let you go is, unfortunately, not unusual in our world.

While everyone thinks that their affair involves a love that is greater than all loves, that their person is their soulmate, in reality we are all just people in the world, doing our best to find love and be happy. And people are fallible, no matter how much love they might feel.

As a result, letting go of someone who makes them happy, no matter how selfish the motivation, is very hard to do.

On a final note, I want you to review the list above. Every single one involves what YOU do for HIM. None of those things are because he wants to make you happy or take care of you. He keeps you around for himself. Period.

Walk away. Now. You can do it!

5 Ways to Survive the Holidays While in a Toxic Relationship

/by


Are you looking for ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

With everything else that is going on during the holidays, does your toxic relationship increase your stress and keep you from enjoying what is wonderful about the season?

Daily life is hard enough in a toxic relationship. Are you wondering how you will be able to make it through the holidays this year without losing your mind?

There are ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship and reading this article is an excellent first step for you to do so.

So, how does one survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

#1 – Avoid triggers.

Be honest with yourself. There must be triggers that can turn your relationship from good to bad, maybe even on the turn of a dime. I am guessing those triggers are pretty consistent and you know exactly what they are.

I would encourage you to take stock of those triggers and to do whatever you can to avoid them during the holiday season.

If you always fight about putting up the Christmas lights, perhaps just let your partner do it this year. If you always fight about your relationship with your parents, try to figure out a way to not have that be an issue. If you always fight because the house is messy, perhaps make an extra effort to keep it tidy.

A toxic relationship is a minefield of triggers, things that usually make things turn sour. If you can avoid them, and maybe even talk to your partner about avoiding them too, you are way more likely to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#2 – Don ‘ t expect things to be different.

Every year, many people in toxic relationships go into the holidays hoping that things are going to be different this year. Hoping that the disaster that was last Christmas won ‘ t happen again or that the toxicity that pervades your daily life will dissipate during the holiday season.

Unfortunately, unless you and your partner have been able to work on your toxic relationship over the course of the past year, things most likely won ‘ t be different.

For my ex and me, whenever a birthday or holiday approached, there was an issue around spending time with family. How I had spent my birthdays and holidays was very different from how he had spent his. I wanted to be at home with just our immediate family and he wanted to travel to see his extended family. Every holiday we fought about what we were going to do. And, every holiday, once it was over, we just ignored what had happened and moved on. Until the next holiday and the issue, and the fighting, came up again.

This issue was a huge bone of contention with my ex and as Christmas approached, it became even BIGGER! Pretty much the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas we struggled with this issue. And it made the holidays significantly less enjoyable.

And, every year, because we hadn ‘ t dealt with the issue earlier, the monster raised its ugly head again.

I believe that, if we had made an effort to deal with it over the years, instead of just ignoring it, then things might actually have had a chance to be different.

But we didn ‘ t – and things just remained the same.

#3 – Control your own emotions and reactions.

You cannot change someone else nor can you change someone else ‘ s emotional reactions but you can change yours.

I am sure that the toxic encounters you have with your partner bring out many emotions. Anger, contempt, unhappiness and frustration are a few that come to mind. And those emotions can get BIG and make those encounters even worse!

I would encourage you to try, during this holiday season, to control those emotions. To try to not let them make issues even bigger.

If your partner does something that normally triggers you, I would encourage you to pause and take a deep breath before you react. Pause and notice what your emotions are. And, if you can, take a few more deep breaths and try to calm down your nervous system so that you don ‘ t react in a destructive way.

If you can control your emotions, if you can control your reactions to your partner ‘ s behaviors, you might be able to take the toxicity down a notch and that might go a long way towards being able to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Ask family and friends for help.

Many of our family and friends know that we are in toxic relationships and many of them do what they can to support us throughout the year. And yet, for some reason, during the holiday season, things can be different. People get caught up in their own stuff and forget about yours.

I would encourage you to, if your friends or family are in any way contributors to the toxicity in the holiday, ask them for help.

My mother used to help me get through the holidays. How? By accepting the fact that I would not be able to spend a lot of time with her because I had to spend time with my ex ‘ s family. She made an extra special effort to get us all together another time with year, a time of year that wasn ‘ t full of the holiday craziness. Not only did this help her to not be disappointed at Christmas, but it also tempered the conflict between my ex and me and that made Christmas just a little bit more bearable.

Being in a toxic relationship is hard to manage on your own. If you can ask for the support of those who love you, it might help you survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship in a way that might be different from if you were doing it on your own.

#5 – Know that the holidays will end.

So many of us dread this holiday season because of everything that happens. All the present buying, the baking, the pressure to see family etc. will put a tremendous amount of pressure on any relationship. The pressure on a toxic relationship is even more so.

What I always tell people to keep in mind is that ,on January 2, the holiday season will be over. All the pressure that they are struggling with will be over. And with the holidays being over, things can go back to normal.

I know that, if you are in a toxic relationship, normal isn ‘ t necessarily a great thing but normal is probably better than it is during the holiday season. And, when you get to January 2, you will have actually survived another holiday! Well done!

Surviving the holidays while in a toxic relationship can be very difficult to do.

Many of the things that I have suggested are things that YOU can do to get through this crazy time. I know you don ‘ t believe that you should have to make all the compromises to keep your relationship on even ground during the holidays but if you truly want to survive them, making compromises might be the key.

Again, you can not change someone else ‘ s reactions and behaviors, but you can change your own. And that is the key to survival this season – your reactions.

All of this being said, January is the time of year where the high numbers of people file for divorce. Many people think, after the dreadful holiday season, that they just can ‘ t do this one more year. As a result, they walk away. And this just might be an option for you. If you can keep your head down and get through the holiday season, you might be able to make change on the other side.

In the meantime, knowing ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship is an important way to keep yourself together and to enjoy the holidays as best you can.

You can do it!

Why Grieving the End of Your Toxic Relationship Is Totally Normal

/by


Are you reading this because you are wondering why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship and, perhaps, feeling like a loser because of it?

You should be overjoyed right? You just escaped a toxic relationship, after all that time suffering, and now you are free to live your life and be happy.

Instead, you find yourself grieving.

I bet it ‘ s super confusing and painful and you just want it to end.

I believe that understanding why you are grieving the end of your toxic relationship is a big step towards letting go of the pain and moving on. To that end, below are 5 reasons why you are experiencing grief after surviving a toxic relationship and how to cope so that you can move forward and be happy.

#1 – You truly believed things were fixable.

So many of my clients tell me that they won ‘ t walk away from their abusive relationships because they aren ‘ t quitters.

They truly believe that if they just love their person enough, if they stand by their side in spite of abusive behaviors, that their person will change and they will be happy again.

Here you are, on the other side of your breakup, and you are grieving because you weren ‘ t able to fix them, or the relationship. You might feel like you have let everyone down. You might even feel like you have abandoned your person.

Let me tell you that, no matter how much you might have tried, your person wasn ‘ t fixable unless they wanted to be fixed. And you are probably grieving this fact – that you couldn ‘ t save the relationship, or someone you once loved, and that makes you beyond sad.

I would encourage you to let yourself off the hook. No one can change someone who doesn’t want to be changed. You didn’t fail. You couldn ‘ t have made any change alone, no matter how hard you tried to do so.

#2 – You blame yourself.

One of the most insidious things about a toxic relationship is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire his lover and for three years he promised he would and he never did. She was beside herself and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy again. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? That he isn’t lying to her but that she refuses to believe the truth. Because of his accusations, his gaslighting, she truly questions her mental health most days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship was toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person was making your life difficult and, while you might have played a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#3 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, it ‘ s so hard when you are grieving the end of a toxic relationship and you believe that you will never be happy again. Right now, it just seems impossible. But I would also argue that a lot of your grieving comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are still grieving after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed about the break up but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they grieve.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. A client once told me that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard and that you REALLY don’t feel like doing it but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be grieving the loss of your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#4- You believed you were soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you shared with your person islike none other? That the intense passion and connection that you shared can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go is such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship, especially toxic relationships because they are so passionate and emotional. I hate to burst your bubble but, while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

I mean, how cansomeone who hurts you over and over be your soulmate? Really, how can they?

If you can accept that this person who abused you is not your soulmate (even if it felt that way in the beginning) then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magical.

I did.

#5- You have to let go of dreams for the future.

I have a client who was abused one time too many and made the decision to finally walk away.

For her, she saw her family die in that moment. She saw that the dreams she had of an intact family and grandchildren coming home and growing old with someone had been dashed, maybe forever.

And she believed she might be alone forever, that she would never love, or be loved, again.

One of the reasons you are still experiencing grief is because you are grieving the loss of those dreams for the future and that your new future is scary and murky.

What I can tell you, as someone who has survived an abusive relationship, that leaving this situation is the only way that your dreams for the future will come true. You will find love and happiness again. I promise!

Grieving the end of your toxic relationship is not only totally normal but it could be the best thing that could be happening to you right now.

Why? Because it means that you are moving forward.

Letting go of an abusive relationship comes in stages – much like death. Right now, you are grieving. And grieving is one of the 7 steps of getting past loss. The other are shock, denial, bargaining, guilt, anger, and acceptance/hope. I am betting that you are through some of those as well.

But I promise you that this grieving the end of your toxic relationship will pass. You will come to accept that the past is the past and look towards the future, a future filled with happiness and love.

5 Things to Never Ignore if You Want a Healthy Relationship

/by


Knowing what things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship is a key part of keeping your relationship in good health.

We so often see lists of all the things we need to do to keep our relationship happy but it ‘ s rare to see one that talks about the things that we might not see, the things that might be happening in our relationship right now, things that we might be ignoring that are taking us down a dangerous path.

I know that, when I was married, there were plenty of signs that I ignored, plenty of small signals that were there, ones that, if I had noticed them, would have showed me how unhappy my relationship truly was.

To that end, I ‘ m going to share with you now 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship. Knowing them will help you have a healthy relationship, one with staying power!

#1 – You have stopped talking to each other.

Think about it.

When was the last time your partner came home from work and you put down what you were doing and greeted them?

When was the last time you talked about something other than the children or work?

When was the last time you connected on any meaningful topic?

When was the last time you had pillow talk before you went to bed?

When was the last time you talked about an issue that really needed to be discussed instead of avoiding it?

Every healthy relationship ‘ ˜to do ‘ list talks about the importance of communication. And yes, it is so very important. But it ‘ s important to not just discuss the ‘ ˜issues ‘ but also to talk about the good stuff. The stuff that makes you feel connected, that makes you feel interested in each other. The stuff that has always made you laugh together.

If you notice that you guys are no longer talking to each other, if your conversations consist purely of talk about the kids and/or fighting, then it ‘ s definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#2 – You are kicking things down the road.

If there is one thing I regret more than anything else in my marriage, it ‘ s that I, we, kicked things down the road, we put off dealing with things that should have been addressed immediately.

I think we both knew that there were issues in our marriage but both of us hoped that, if we were patient and if life eventually got less crazy, we would be able to work through them. Because we believed that to be true, we tended to ignore our issues and focus on life and the kids. Over time, our issues got bigger because we didn ‘ t address them. And then, one day, they were just too big and our marriage ended.

You know when you have a work project or a homework project due and you work on it regularly so that you know you will be able to pass it in on time and get a good grade or positive feedback. You know what happens when you don ‘ t do that – when you procrastinate and get it done at the last minute? How does that work out? Not so great, I would imagine.

That was my marriage. We started out eager to work hard to be happy but, as time went on and things got harder, we started procrastinating, assuming that we would one day be able to get our project in on time, successfully.

We didn ‘ t.

#3 – You are making decisions on your own.

I remember very well when my daughter came home from her second week of high school and announced that she wanted to go to boarding school. We had just moved to Boulder and she was at her first public school and she hated it. More than anything.

She went upstairs, did research on boarding schools, and within an hour, found two that she was interested in attending.

Without even talking to my husband, I reached out to both of those schools to see if they might have availability for a last-minute entrant. One of them did. I made an appointment to visit that school over the weekend with my daughter.

I did all of this without checking with my husband.

By the time he got home, I had created a narrative that I shared with him, one where it seemed like I asked him his opinion about what he thought about our daughter going to boarding school, but, really, I knew the decision had already been made.

What should have happened is that my daughter sat down with both of her parents and we could have all talked through what she wanted to do and made a decision together. If we had done that, I believe that my husband and I, because we were sharing the decision making, would have stayed closer to each other instead of being driven further apart.

Instead, I took over and made the decision, leaving my husband, I am sure, not feeling like a part of a team. But he didn ‘ t say anything and I did the same thing over and over. And he did too.

Making decisions unilaterally is definitely one of those things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

#4 – You aren ‘ t making each other a priority.

I know, I know. Life is crazy. There are children, and careers, and parents, and exercise, and TikTok, and Instagram, and TV. But there is also your relationship and it is important to make sure that it is taken into consideration, always.

What if I asked you where on that list above you would put your relationship. Would you put it first? Third? Fifth? Choose one and take note.

Now, think about how that looks in real life. Do you treat your partner like they are first, third or fifth or are they usually (or always) at the end of your list? Or perhaps you MEAN to make them first, third or fifth and other things get in the way.

Try to think about your relationship like you do your job. You have to go to work every day and focus on the job so that you can get it done and get it done well. Can you have the same perspective in your relationships? Can you remember that it ‘ s important to work on them every day, to get the job done well?

I would encourage you to make your relationship one of your top (if not your top) priorities and make sure that you stick to it.

You would be amazed at how many little hurts can be overcome if your person knows that you make them a priority every day and never put them last.

#5 – You have stopped touching each other.

When you were first together, did you and your partner regularly touch? Did you hug, put your arms around each other as you walked down the street, hold hands at the movies? Was touching a normal part of your day, one that felt as natural as could be?

Do you do that anymore?

For many people, the first thing that goes as couples become disconnected from each other is touching. It isn ‘ t because couples no longer care, but it ‘ s that they no longer have the inclination, or the time, to do so. And letting go of touch is letting of a big part of a romantic connection.

Touch is incredibly important in an intimate relationship. And not necessarily just sex – it ‘ s important to hold hands, to hug, to pat someone ‘ s butt as they walk by.

Touching your partner intimately sets that relationship apart from every other relationship in your life and being different makes that relationship special. If you continue to touch, if reaching for each other ‘ s hand is still the norm and not the exception, then your relationship will have an excellent chance of staying healthy.

So, there you go – 5 things to never ignore if you want a healthy relationship.

Remember, there are many lists out there of things you should do to have a healthy relationship but it ‘ s really important to know the things not to ignore NOW if you want to make sure that your relationship stays strong

If you have stopped communicating, if you aren ‘ t dealing with issues in a timely manner, if you are making plans on your own, if you put your partner at the end of your list and if you stop touching each other, these things are all signs that a healthy relationship could be in jeopardy.

I encourage you to take action right now, to not ignore these things and to work WITH YOUR PARTNER to keep your relationship healthy. One person in a relationship can not do all the work to keep it healthy. It is a team effort so make sure that you share this list with your partner so that you can work together to keep your relationship and healthy and happy one!

You can do it!

15 Inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes

/by


When you are trying to let go of a toxic relationship, some ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ quotes might be just the thing to help you do so.

When you are wondering if you can let go of someone who is treating you badly, do you believe that the words of others might provide you the support and guidance that you need?

When you know that the words of someone who has been where you are now and come out the other side happier, stronger and clearer, will you be inspired to believe that the same could happen for you?

Let me share 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You” quotes so that you can find the strength to do what you know it is you need to do!

****

‘Letting go means to come to the realization that some people are a part of your history, but not a part of your destiny.’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.’- Ann Landers

‘Sometimes it takes a heartbreak to shake us awake & help us see we are worth so much more than we ‘ re settling for.’ – Mandy Hale

‘If you didn ‘ t love him, this never would have happened. But you did. And accepting that love and everything that followed it is part of letting it go.’- Sarah Dessen

‘I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.’- Carl Jung

‘If you truly want to be respected by people you love, you must prove to them that you can survive without them.’ – Michael Bassey Johnson

‘Let go of certainty. The opposite isn ‘ t uncertainty. It ‘ s openness, curiosity, and a willingness to embrace paradox, rather than choose upsides. The ultimate challenge is to accept ourselves exactly as we are, but never stop trying to learn and grow.’ – Tony Schwartz

‘Renew, release, let go. Yesterday ‘ s gone. There ‘ s nothing you can do to bring it back. You can ‘ t ‘ should ‘ ve ‘ done something. You can only DO something. Renew yourself. Release that attachment. Today is a new day!’ – Steve Maraboli

‘Holding on is believing that there ‘ s only a past; letting go is knowing that there ‘ s a future.’ – Daphne Rose Kingma

‘Sometimes you have to give up on people. Not because you don ‘ t care, but because they don ‘ t.’ – Anon

‘People don ‘ t care for you when you are alone. They just care for you when they are alone.’ – Anon

‘If you want to live, stop asking permission, do it now and regret later.”‘- Anon

‘A bad relationship is like standing on broken glass, if you stay you will keep hurting ‘ ¦If you walk away, you will hurt but eventually you will heal.’ – Autumn Kohler

‘Like arsenic, toxic people will slowly kill you. They kill your positive spirit and play with your mind and emotions. The only cure is to let them go.’ – Dennisse Lisseth

‘I imagine one of the reasons people cling to their hates so stubbornly is because they sense, once hate is gone, they will be forced to deal with pain.’ – James Baldwin

‘Because you simply cannot draw these things out forever. At some point, you just pull off the Band-Aid and it hurts, but then it ‘ s over and you ‘ re relieved.’ – John Green

***

So there go you – 15 inspirational ‘Letting Go of Someone Who Doesn’t Want You’ Quotes.

I am hoping that these quotes will help you to make the decision that you need to make, to help you manage the pain and to know that there is a light at the end of the rainbow.

Because there is. You just need to take that first step towards it!

You can do it!

 

 

5 Ways to Know When to Walk Away After Infidelity

/by


Knowing when to walk away after infidelity is very important.

The trauma of discovering infidelity is devastating and it leaves us with jumbled thoughts and no idea how to move forward. As a result, we often make choices that are not in our best interest, choices that can drag out recovery indefinitely.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity, keeping a lookout for signs that will let you know that it is time, is the key to making sure that the infidelity doesn ‘ t affect the rest of your life.

Here are five ways to know when to walk away after infidelity. Understanding them might help you take the steps forward that you need to take to get through this.

#1 – The cheater refuses to take ownership.

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, refused to take responsibility for what they did?

Do they tell you that it wasn ‘ t a big deal, that it happened once, that the sex wasn ‘ t very good and that you should just get over it?

Does your partner, the one who cheated on you, blame you for what they did? Do they tell you that if you had only been nicer or had more sex with them or given them more freedom, they would never have cheated?

If a cheater isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of what they did, to own up to the fact that they violated the boundaries of your relationship and they caused you a tremendous amount of pain, it ‘ s definitely time to walk away.

Someone who isn ‘ t willing to take ownership of the fact that they cheated is somebody who might very well cheat again. They don ‘ t believe that they were at fault and, consequently, they might see cheating as something that they can do again.

#2 – The cheater refuses to talk about what happened.

I am sure, now that you know about the affair, that you have a lot of questions about what happened.

You probably want to know why it happened, how it happened and all the nitty-gritty details so that you can wrap your mind around all of it. Perhaps you believe that if you only had more information, you could make sense of it all.

When you approach your partner to talk about the infidelity, do they shut you down? Do they refuse to talk about it and suggest that you act like it didn ‘ t happen and move on? Do they yell and scream when you try to ask questions, telling you that you are being stupid to even ask?

A key part of surviving infidelity is communication. It is important that your person is honest with you, that they are willing to talk about what happened. If you are wondering when to walk away after infidelity, this is definitely an indicator that it might be.

All of that being said, I would absolutely recommend that you don ‘ t ask too many questions. That you get some clarity about what is going on that brought you to this place but, I believe, that knowing too many details will ultimately be harmful.

One of my clients demanded that her husband show her all of the text messages between him and his lover. She regrets it. She saw things that she could never unsee, things that caused her substantially more pain and that stuck with her as they tried to work through this and beyond, after they got divorced.

So, keep that in mind going forward, especially if you want to work through this and maybe come out the other side intact.

#3 – The cheater isn ‘ t willing to make change.

A key part of surviving infidelity is recognizing the need for change.

The need for change in the relationship, the need for change of perspective, and the need for things to be different going forward.

To survive infidelity, it is important to take a look at the relationship and what is missing from it. It is important to discuss how to do things differently moving forward. It is important to define boundaries that you might need to process what has happened.

After I found out that my ex had cheated, I requested that we go to therapy. I wanted to work through what had happened. I wasn ‘ t sure I would be able to forgive him but I wanted to try. He said that he would go but only so ‘ ˜we could move on. ‘ He wasn ‘ t willing to make change – he wanted me to accept what had happened and move forward, like an ostrich, with my head in the sand.

I didn ‘ t forgive him. We didn’t ‘move on’ after his cheating. And his unwillingness to make change, to look at what we could do differently, to fight for our relationship, was a key sign for me of when to walk away after infidelity.

#4 – You can ‘ t rebound from the self-esteem hit.

Be honest. Since you learned your partner cheated, have you been really hard on yourself?

Are you blaming yourself for what happened? Are you feeling like an idiot for missing the signs? Do you question everything about yourself – your body, your hair, your eyes, your brain etc.?

This happens after we are cheated on. We feel less than in every way. I mean, why would someone cheat on us? It can only be because we aren ‘ t enough, correct?

I know that when I found out that my ex was cheating it threw me down into a darkness that I had never experienced before. Everything that I thought I knew about myself, I questioned. I was sure that I would never love or be loved again because I wasn ‘ t worthy. I was sure that I would never survive the pain of what had happened.

But, after a time, my self-esteem rebounded. I found pleasure in life again doing volunteer work and getting my real estate license. I started dating and discovered that I was, in fact, loveable. I recognized what had happened in my relationship and took full ownership of my role in it. I healed.

I do believe that, if I had stayed in the relationship after the infidelity, I never would have been able to strengthen my self-esteem. I believe that if I was reminded every day about what had happened, if I compromised my principles, I just would have sunk deeper into that dark place, reliving what had happened over and over again.

So, if you are finding that your self esteem is at rock bottom and not rebounding, then it might be time to walk away after infidelity. Your self-esteem is key to your happiness and if it stays in that dark place, you might never get it back.

#5 – Forgiveness is not an option.

Have all of the things above happened? Has your partner been willing to take ownership, have they been willing to talk about what happened, have they been willing to make change and is your self-esteem recovering?

And yet, in spite of this, are you finding it impossible to forgive your person for what happened and to move on?

I have a client whose wife was never able to forgive him for what happened, no matter how much he tried to work through it with her. And, while she refused to forgive him, she also refused to leave the marriage. As a result, they had 10 more years of misery together.

Imagine what would have happened if that wife had left the relationship because she couldn ‘ t forgive her person. If instead of re-injuring herself whenever she looked at him, instead of holding onto a grudge for ten years. If she had just walked away after infidelity, she might have had a chance to find love and happiness instead of withering away in an unhappy marriage.

If you are finding that you cannot forgive your person for what they did, then it ‘ s time to walk away after infidelity. Staying will only cause you more pain and prevent you from finding happiness.

Knowing when to walk away after infidelity can be really hard to do. But it ‘ s very important part of moving on, either with your partner or alone.

The important things to watch out for is whether or not the cheater can take ownership, whether they ‘ re willing to communicate and whether they ‘ re willing to make change.

It ‘ s also important that you take accountability for where you are at. If your self-esteem is decimated and doesn ‘ t seem to be recovering, perhaps it is time to walk away so that you can do what you need to do to rebuild your self-confidence. Furthermore, if there is no way that you can forgive your person there is no point in condemning yourself, and your partner, to a life of misery.

Know that, if it is time to walk away after infidelity, it ‘ s OK. I know you feel like you will never be happy again and that you will never trust someone again but I can promise you that, with time, you will be able to find happiness and love and live happily ever after the way you ‘ ve always wanted to.

I promise!

5 Things To Do To Keep your Marriage Happy and 5 Things Not to Do

/by


Good for you for looking for things to do to keep your marriage happy.

Marriage is long and hard and being proactive is the best way to keep it healthy. So many of us put off working on our marriage, hoping that someday we will have the opportunity to do so, only to find that it ‘ s too late.

Of course, alongside with the importance of doing things to keep your marriage healthy are things that you definitely should NOT do. Ironically, they are often two sides of the same coin and understanding that can make them easier to manage.

Here are 5 things to do to keep your marriage happy and 5 things not to do. Read on!

#1 – Do: Communicate

If you have read any of my blogs, or those of other relationship coaches, you will know by now the NUMBER ONE most important thing to do to keep your marriage happy is communication.

What kind of communication? Communication about feelings, about household chores, about expectations, about in-laws, about work schedules, about the kids, about the dogs, about your friends, about money, about anything and everything to do with your marriage.

Without communication, relationships can, and will, stall out. Without communication, people hurt each other unintentionally. Without communication, couples lose their connection.

Why don ‘ t couples communicate? Most commonly it is because they don ‘ t want to cause their partner pain but also because they don ‘ t make the time or they don ‘ t want to deal with the fallout or they just don ‘ t think to do it. Those are pretty lame excuses to not do the key thing that could keep a marriage happy.

So, don ‘ t just TRY to communicate – do it! I promise you that if you do, it will be worth it.

Don ‘ t: Be Passive Aggressive

The flip side of communication is passive aggression. The definition of someone who is passive aggressive is someone who ‘ ˜uses indirect resistance as a reaction to the demands of others and an avoidance of direct confrontation, as in procrastinating, pouting, or misplacing important materials. ‘

Are you someone who says they will do something, knowing you won ‘ t? Are you someone who reacts to a comment from your partner with a sneer and a roll of the eyes? Are you someone who puts off things, even if you know that they are important to your partner?

All of these things are hallmarks of someone who is passive aggressive. More than almost anything, passive aggression can sabotage a happy relationship.

If there is one thing to do to keep your marriage healthy it is to never be passive aggressive – communicate with your person. If you can communicate about your wants and needs, you will find yourself happier than you ever thought you could be.

#2 – Do: Work together

My daughter always said that her friend ‘ s parents who were still together when she went off to college were parents who worked well together.

Instead of one person being in charge, both adults made the decisions around social life, kid ‘ s activities, time around the holidays, date nights etc. All of these things allowed the couple to stay connected in a way that if one person had been in charge would not be possible.

Furthermore, the ability to work well together will make passive aggressiveness less likely, which will only make your relationship healthier.

Don ‘ t: Divide and Conquer

When my husband and I were married, we decided to divide and conquer. He was the one who went to work and made the money. I was the one who stayed home and was in charge of the family and the house. I wish we had never done that.

His focus was work – which made me angry and resentful. My focus was on our children and their lives – which made him angry and resentful.

I always thought that once the kids were gone we would have an opportunity to work our way back to each other, to work together to be happy, but we never got the chance!

#3 – Do: Be Willing to Forgive

The importance of being able to forgive cannot be understated. The ability to forgive may be equal to the definition of love.

We are all of us humans. Human beings who laugh, cry, make mistakes, do big things, who are impulsive and damaged. As a result, people, humans, make mistakes.

If you hold onto a mistake that someone has made, it will only eat you up inside. If you hold onto a mistake that someone made thinking that they did it because they didn ‘ t love you, it will only destroy your relationship.

Are you willing to forgive someone for making a human mistake? Would you want someone to forgive you if you did?

Don ‘ t: Hold grudges

My mother could hold a grudge like no one ‘ s business. If my dad did one thing wrong, it was unforgivable.

I remember that he used to come home late every night and that he did he didn ‘ t pay attention to her. She was hurt and got passive aggressive which made him pay even less attention to her.

My mother never got over that. As a result, their marriage ended in shambles and she held onto her anger at my father for the rest of her life. I believe that, ultimately, those grudges killed her.

Are you someone who holds on to grudges? Are those grudges getting you anywhere? Are they injuring your relationship? If so, try to let them go.

#4 – Do: Keep the romance going

I am in an incredibly healthy relationship and the reason is, I believe, that we are determined to never stop making sure the other feels loved.

We make an effort to tell each other how we feel about each other, to give each other physical attention, to give each other space, to give each other understanding, to forgive each other when we need to. We work on this every single day. It ‘ s not always easy but it is totally worth it

We ‘ ve been together for four years and to this day we are like a young couple in love.

Don ‘ t: Take each other for granted.

The death of many relationships is caused when someone takes the other one for granted.

When they assume that their person will always be there for them. When they assume that no matter what they say, or do, they will be forgiven. When they believe that some day they will be able to fix everything that is broken. When they aren ‘ t willing to get divorced but aren ‘ t willing to work on the marriage either.

My boyfriend and I rarely take each other for granted. If either one feels like we are to being taken for granted, we speak up, immediately, so the other person knows how we are feeling

#5 – Do: Talk about your sex life.

As marriages go on, sex lives can often be diminished. Whether it ‘ s because of work, kids, loss of interest, or anxiety, married people ‘ s sex lives can be a mess.

Unfortunately, when this happens, couples are hesitant to talk about it. Like money, the topic of sex is very fraught. We believe that discussing it will only lead to embarrassment, shame and pain.

As a result, the topic of sex is swept under the table and because of this, couple’s sex lives diminish or disappear,

And a marriage will struggle to be a happy one with no sex.

Don ‘ t: Go looking elsewhere for love and affection

Many people who are in unhealthy relationships, who are taken for granted, who don ‘ t communicate, who can not forgive each other or work together, whose sex life is difficult, can, and do, find themselves vulnerable to finding love and affection elsewhere.

More often than not, people don ‘ t go looking for affection but when it is put in front of them they find they can ‘ t resist.

Seeking love and affection elsewhere is a sure fire way to make sure that your relationship isn’t not a happy one and might even end it.

Knowing things to do to keep your marriage happy is the key to doing so.

That being said, understanding what is important NOT to do is just as important.

Know that if you can communicate, if you can work together and forgive each other, if you can keep the romance going and if you can talk about sex, you will find that you can have a marriage that will withstand the test of time and remain happy.

I know that this list is daunting. If so, choose one of the items above to start and then do it! Even one thing can make a big difference!

I know that you can do this!

 

5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

/by


Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

5 Things That You Can Do RIGHT NOW to Make your Wife Happy

/by


Are you looking for things that you can do right now to make your wife happy?

Did you used to find it very easy to make her happy but now, as the years have gone by, are you finding it more difficult?

Do you long to bring your relationship back to a place where you feel more connected and you know that she feels loved?

Good for you! And you know, as a guy, that action is the best way to get what you want.

If I can sum up in one word that thing that can make your wife happy, it’s ROMANCE. I know it ‘ s a scary word but your fear of it is one of the reasons why you are where you are today.

So what kind of romance am I talking about? Here are 5 romantic things that you can do right now to make your wife happy.

#1 – Tell her she looks nice.

I am sure right now you are thinking that you tell your wife she looks nice all the time. But I want you to really think about it. How often do you really look at your wife? I mean really look and take note of the things that made you attracted to her in the first place? And when you do, do you verbalize what you are seeing?

One of the things that I know from being married, and from my clients, is that we women often feel invisible. We feel like we are taken for granted. We feel like our person no longer sees us the way they used to and that makes us feel unloved.

A client of mine lost weight over the summer and bought herself a killer dress for a party she and her husband were attending. She dressed carefully that night, excited to see her husband ‘ s face when he saw her. His reaction? Nada.

I would encourage you to take the time to really look at your wife, to take note of what she ‘ s wearing, how she ‘ s looking, to reconnect with the things that you love about her.

I can promise you that, if you mention even one small thing about your wife ‘ s appearance, you will make her happy, even if she doesn ‘ t act like it.

(Note: Under NO circumstances mention her weight. Period.)

#2 – Set up a date.

Many couples, when they are having discussions about their relationship, promise that they will make time for each other regularly. And then what happens? Life gets in the way and they don ‘ t.

Furthermore, when couples agree to spend more time together, it is often left to the wife to make the plans, to figure out the date, to cover the babysitting, to make the reservations. All those things are things that she has to do every day around her family and her work and this will just be one more thing. And she will resent it.

I can promise you that, if you make an effort to plan a date night with your wife, if you decide when and where, you cover babysitting, and you choose an outing that you know she ‘ ll enjoy, this is a thing that you can do right now to make your wife happy.

Just planning the date alone, I can promise you, will give your wife some joy.

You can do this. You know you can. So, do it.

#3 – Take some weight off her shoulders.

Many wives carry the weight of the world on their shoulders. The house care, the childcare, the scheduling, their work, their parents, you. All these things are things that they have to deal with on a daily basis.

All of these things get very heavy.

I would encourage you to try to lift some of the weight off of your wife ‘ s shoulders, even if just for a day.

I would also encourage to not ask her what she needs but to look for an opportunity and to just do it. You can tell her that you are going to do it, but don ‘ t ask her if you can do it.

Part of taking the weight off of your wife’s shoulders, is making it so she doesn ‘ t have to make a decision about whether to let you help her and what you can help her with. That ‘ s just one more thing on her shoulders. Just do something that you know she would like done and do it.

So, take a look at what your wife needs and help her take a load off. I can promise you doing so is one of those things you can do right now to make your wife happy.

#4 – Give her a gift.

Imagine if your wife walked into the room right now and gave you a gift. Something small, but something that was meaningful to you. How good would that feel?

So, why don ‘ t you do the same for your wife? A small gift would be just the thing to brighten her day.

A very important part of gift giving is what you give her for a gift. My ex-husband and I had an agreement that he could never give me something that would have a power cord, after a friend of ours gave his girlfriend an alarm clock! He stuck to that and the gifts he gave me were very thoughtful. They made me feel loved and appreciated in the moment.

I encourage you to go out right now and buy something that you know your wife would like. If you have no idea what she would like, ask her friends. They will know exactly what she wants.

#5 – Hug her.

I never put this one at the beginning of a list of things you can do to make your wife happy. Even though they might desperately want to be hugged, many women feel overwhelmed these days by their life and their up-and-down relationships with their husbands.

As a result, if their husband reaches out for a hug in a way he hasn ‘ t for a long time, they might pull back, unsure and surprised.

But, if you have done all the things that I recommend above, or at least a few of them, your wife will be way more receptive to a hug than she might have been before.

Hugs are said to be a key to keeping a relationship healthy. A 10 second hug every day – experts say – connect people in a way that is profound.

And, hugs are relatively safe. Sex can be fraught with all sorts of issues but hugs are just lovely, little, and sweet.

So there you have 5 things that you can do right now to make your wife happy and to bring some romance into your relationship.

I know that romance might not be a priority for you but it definitely is for a woman. Particularly, if she is a wife with a lot of responsibilities.

So, dig deep. That romantic you is in there somewhere. After all, she fell in love with you once.

You can do this! You will be glad you did.

 

5 Reasons Why You Keep Holding On to Someone Who Doesn’t Love You

/by


Do you wake up every morning and wonder why you keep holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you?

Do you want more than anything to love and be loved but are you sabotaging that dream because you can ‘ t walk away from somebody who is doesn ‘ t love you and is it making you miserable?

Holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you is not an unusual thing. So many of us just want our relationships to work and so we keep on trying and trying, often to no avail.

What I can tell you is that, if you know the reasons why you keep holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you, it will help you understand why you are doing what you ‘ re doing and help you make change.

Here are 5 reasons why you keep holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you.

#1 – You believe that you love them.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients tell me that the reason that they are staying in their relationship is because they love their person.

When I ask them what it is that they love about their person their response is always ‘ ˜things were wonderful in the beginning, ‘ or ‘ ˜we have great sex, ‘ or ‘ ˜we have fun sometimes ‘ or even ‘ ˜we are soul mates. ‘

Then I ask ‘ ˜When was the last time they did something to make you happy? ‘ That question is usually met with silence.

The reality is, if you are with someone who doesn ‘ t love you, you are most likely no longer in love with them either. It ‘ s hard to stay in love with someone who treats you badly. What you are in love with is being in a relationship, not being alone. It’s important that you not confuse the two!

And, by the way, this person certainly isn ‘ t your soulmate. Why would your soulmate hurt you, on purpose, every day?

I encourage you to take stock of why you think you still love your person. What you discover might surprise you.

#2 – You are afraid of more pain.

Chances are, if you are holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you, you have been in a lot of pain recently.

There is nothing worse than spending time with someone who doesn ‘ t treat you with love and respect. We call it the ‘ ˜thousand little cuts ‘ – those daily small cuts that are deep and painful.

So, at this point, you are exhausted from suffering through all this pain and you are worried that, if you let go of your person, having more pain just might be more than you can bear.

What I can promise you is that, if you stay in this relationship, the pain will never ease. Every day that goes by being with someone who doesn ‘ t love you gets increasingly painful. It ‘ s like the pain stacks up on itself until finally it ‘ s so heavy that you can ‘ t carry it anymore.

I can also promise you that, if you do let go of this relationship, you will feel some pain. It might even be some intense pain. But that pain will fade. And what will also fade is pain from the ‘thousand little cuts’ that you get every day.

So, if you are afraid of the pain and that is why you were holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you, I can promise you letting go of that person is the only way to truly let go of the pain and move forward.

#3 – You are holding out hope.

Be honest – are you hoping that if you just hold on long enough, your relationship will heal?

Are you hoping that if you just love them enough they will realize how wonderful you are and start loving you again?

Are you hoping things will go back to the way they were at the beginning, when you were happy?

Holding out hope is a big part of holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you. None of us want to let go of hope, none of us want to walk from away from a relationship that was once so promising, no one wants to just give up.

But I can tell you this – if your person, the person they are right now, doesn ‘ t love you, they won ‘ t just start loving you again, no matter how kind you are, how much you do for them or how much sex you have with them. A person who doesn ‘ t love someone is not going to change unless they want to change.

What I can tell you is that spending even a minute more holding out hope that this relationship will work if you can just be better, is a minute that could be spent being hopeful about the future – about a future with the love that is out there waiting for you.

So, unless the person in front of you is telling you that they are actively working to love you again, holding out hope is futile. Let it go!

#4 – You are scared of them.

This is one of those things that people don ‘ t often talk about. For many people who are holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love them, they are doing so because they are scared.

They are scared of how their person will react if they leave. They are scared of the words of anger, that they might hear. They are afraid things might get physical. They might also be scared that their person won ‘ t let them go.

This happens a lot when someone breaks up with someone else – their person can ‘ t let them go. They say they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship, but they keep coming back for sex and companionship. You might be scared that if you let go of this person who doesn ‘ t love you, they might keep holding onto you, leaving you in this no man ‘ s land for a long time.

So, take stock of why you are scared to leave the person who doesn ‘ t love you. Are you afraid of their reaction? Are you afraid that they might get physical? Are you afraid that they just won ‘ t let you go and you won ‘ t be able to move forward?

Knowing what you are scared of is the best way to deal with that fear so that you can let go and move on to a life of happiness.

#5 – You are worried about the future.

Many people who keep holding on to someone who doesn ‘ t love them do so because they ‘ re worried about the future. More specifically, they are scared that they will never love or be loved again.

Many of the people who contact me to help them deal with their toxic relationships don ‘ t leave the relationship because they are sure that there will never be another person out there for them, that this person is their person and that walking away from them means they will be left with nothing and no one.

I can tell you that the only reason that you should be afraid of the future is if you choose stay with your person. Being with someone who doesn ‘ t love you, staying with someone who doesn ‘ t treat you the way you want to be treated, will only doom you to a future of unhappiness, kind of like the life you are living now!

I have never yet met a person who didn ‘ t find someone after they let go of the person who didn ‘ t love them. Once they healed, they moved back out into the world and found somebody who could love them the way they want to be loved.

That can be you!

Holding onto someone who doesn ‘ t love you is very self-destructive and it ‘ s time for you to stop.

I know that you think you love them and that you are holding out hope for the future and that you are scared of pain and of them maybe not letting you go, but the worst thing that you can do for yourself is to stay in a situation that makes you unhappy.

Staying is thing that will guarantee that you will never be happy.

I know that leaving won’t be easy. Because of that, I have created a course to support you during your break up, to help you let go of love, get past the pain and move forward towards the life, and the love, you want. Check it out here.

You can do this. I know it seems scary but millions of people have done it before you and not only survived it but thrived after. You can be one of those people!

 

 

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin