5 Behaviors That Are Unacceptable in Any Relationship

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It would seem that it would be a no brainer that people would easily recognize behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

You know, those red flags, those little behaviors that you see at the beginning of a relationship, behaviors that make you pause and wonder if you should take note of them or ignore them and hope they aren’t so red.

Those little red flags that, if they are ignored, can grow into big behaviors, behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

Unfortunately, people tend to ignore those red flags, rationalizing that they aren’t a big deal, so that they can stay in their relationship, no matter how toxic those behaviors are.

Because I see so many people rationalizing the things that are happening in their relationships, I thought it important to put it out there, in black and white, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship in the hopes that, if we can recognize how there is no grey area around unacceptable behaviors, we can find the strength to walk away, for good.

So here they are 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationships. Read them and heed them!

#1 – Lying.

In any list of behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship I always put lying first.

I have a client whose husband lies about everything, big and small.

He lies about where he was when she couldn’t reach him. He lies about whether he has had that difficult conversation with his mother. He lies when he is asked a question that makes him uncomfortable. He lies to their kids when they ask him why he drinks so much.

At first, she didn’t recognize those lies. Everyone stretches the truth sometimes and she loved and trusted him to be honest with her.

But, as time went on, she started to notice how regularly he lied to her, to everyone. He would lie about all sorts of things, big and small. Some of them were very damaging, like when there was an emergency and she couldn’t find him and he said that his phone battery died. Some of them not so much, like the fact that he said he tried to stop at the store on the way home but that it was closed, when he had just forgot.

Every time she caught him in a lie, big or small, she lost just a little bit more trust in him.

She came to me, very unhappy in her marriage. She wasn’t really sure why. Her husband was a nice man, he worked hard, he was a good dad and people liked him. She didn’t understand why she was so unhappy. And then she referred, offhandedly, to his lies, big and small, and I knew, right away, why she was so unhappy she didn’t trust her husband.

As we talked about it further, she realized how much of an effect the lying was having on her relationship with her husband, that she couldn’t trust him about anything and that was eroding their relationship.

So, it might seem like a small thing but lying is an unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

#2 – Physical Abuse.

While this behavior might seem more obvious, invisible physical abuse is present in more relationships than one might think.

The image of the abusive husband and the battered wife, one propagated on TV and in the movies, is unfortunately the reality for many women, and men, in this country.

For many people, unless the physical abuse they suffer from is as bad as the abuse that they see on TV, they don’t believe that they are being abused. That what happens to them is maybe a mistake or something that isn’t a big deal.

The truth be told, physical abuse doesn’t have to be the stereotype that we see on TV. Physical abuse can present itself in many ways, big and small.

Common, well known examples of physical abuse are: shaking, burning, choking, hair-pulling, hitting, slapping, kicking, and any type of harm with a weapon like a knife or a gun.

More surprising examples of physical abuse are small things: grabbing someone by the arm, pushing, throwing things, non-consensual rough sex and any kind of intimidation by strength.

I always ask my clients who are in unhappy relationships if there is any kind of physical abuse. Almost 100% of them say no but when I tell them about the small kinds of abuse they are often surprised that some of those things are present.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. Are there any signs of abuse, big or small? If there are, considering leaving. Physical abuse or intimidation is a behavior that is unacceptable in any relationship.

#3 – Verbal Abuse

Everyone fights, right? Relationships are tough and people don’t always agree, so they fight. And, sometimes, those fights escalate and there is yelling and door slamming. They are not fun, fights, but they do happen.

The important thing to take note of is whether your fighting has gone beyond yelling, what it has gone to a dark place of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse can be hard to spot. Below are some examples so that you can ascertain whether it is present in your relationship.

Examples of verbal abuse: name calling, condescension, manipulation, criticism, demeaning comments, threats, blame, accusations, withholding and gaslighting.

So, you can see that verbal abuse goes way beyond fighting. Verbal abuse involves attacking the other person in a way that is destructive, often manipulatively so.

Verbal abuse in unacceptable in any relationship. Is it present in yours?

#4 – Emotional abuse

Another thing that is unacceptable in any relationship is emotional abuse. And, unfortunately, emotional abuse is extremely hard to recognize.

I have a client who is in a very volatile relationship. It is a relationship that involves extreme ups and downs" where he treats her like a queen and she feels very loved, and then something goes wrong and she starts to pull away and he turns into a completely different person.

Instead of being kind and loving, her boyfriend becomes emotionally abusive. He attacks her self-worth and criticizes every piece of her. He rips her apart for who she is and then disappears, not responding to her texts asking him where he has gone. He gaslights her, blaming her for everything that is wrong in their relationship. And he blasts her for how hard she works and that all she cares about is money.

And, the very sad thing is that my client takes this emotional abuse. She loves him madly and, because when things are good they are so good, she is willing to take the bad too. Unfortunately, the bad brings her down to such a dark place and, each time they happen, it erodes her self-esteem even further.

At this point, after years of this emotional abuse, my client feels so badly about herself that she actually believes that she deserves everything that he says about her.

Not very obvious examples of emotional abuse: when your partner controls your appearance, when they monitor your conversations, when they separate you from your family and friends, when they ask you to do things that they know you would never do otherwise, when they demean the things you do and who you are in the world.

Emotional abuse can be very hard to spot, especially if it has been happening for a while because the abused has been so broken down that they can’t see that what is happening is something that they don’t deserve and is unacceptable.

Are there any signs of emotional abuse in your relationship? Dig deep, ask your friends, reflect on how things used to be. Only then might you be able to see it.

#5 – Ghosting.

For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone just disappears. Usually it involves doing so via text but it can also mean the physical disappearance from one’s life, even if it’s just temporary.

Ghosting is one of those behaviors that is unacceptable in any relationship.

Ghosting has been made much easier because of the advent of texting and interacting on social media. It is easy for someone to disappear in the middle of a conversation or after a first date because the can just delete that person from their phone and never see them again.

And that kind of disappearing can be very painful and often can often leave someone questioning who they are in the world and why someone, everyone, abandons them.

Ironically, if someone ghosts you, it’s truly the best thing that could happen to you. Because they ghosted you, there is no risk that you would have gotten into a relationship with someone who ghosts others, someone you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with.

The next level of ghosting is disappearing and this tends to happen more with people who are in a relationship.

I have a client whose boyfriend makes promises to do something with her and then, when the time comes, he disappears, nowhere to be found. Ultimately, he does reappear, with lots of excuses and charm, and she takes him back.

Another client has boyfriend who, more often than not, isn’t there when she needs him. Her dog was attacked by another dog and she had to rush him to the hospital. She needed her boyfriend with her and he wasn’t anywhere to be found. When she finally reached him, he said that his battery had died and that he was sorry.

Because she wanted to believe him, she did and life went on, until he did it again.

Ghosting or disappearing in a relationship is absolutely unacceptable. It displays a lack of respect, of contempt for other people’s emotions and time. It destroys trust in a relationship and leaves the person who is left feeling horrible about themselves.

So, if your person ever ghosts your or can’t be found, consider strongly whether this is the person for you. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who you know will always be there for you?

There you go, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

If someone is being lied to, physically, emotionally or verbally abused or is left behind when times get tough they are in a toxic relationship, one that they should run screaming from.

And the reason that these things are unacceptable is because they leave the person, you, feeling less than, questioning who they are in the world, perhaps isolated from family and friends, alone and scared.

What every healthy relationship has is mutual trust, respect, honesty, affection, commitment and support. A healthy relationship leads someone to feel good about themselves, safe in the world and supported by someone they love.

Take a good hard look at how you are feeling right now, after you have read this article. Do you feel good about your relationship and your place in the world or are you unsteady and unsure, scared of what to do next?

If it’s the second, it’s time to get out. Now!

5 Encouraging Signs that You are Getting Over Your Ex

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I know that break ups are horrible and that the recovery period seems endless but keep a look out for signs that you are getting over your ex, finally, and that you will be able to move on!

When you are deep into the pain of the mourning period, it is hard to feel hopeful that you will ever get past this. As a result, we often miss the signs that we are getting better and this can hold us back from moving forward.

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is a key to moving forward and finding the love that you seek!

#1 – You are feeling hopeful.

Remember when you first broke up? When the world seemed like a horrible place and when you had no hope that anything would ever be ok again?

Are you still feeling this way or are there perhaps little glimmers of hope that the future holds some possibilities and that you will be ok?

When we have lived with feelings of hopelessness for a long time, it’s hard to notice when those little moments appear. We either don’t see them or ignore them, not believing what they signify.

Well, I can tell you that those little moments of hopefulness should not be ignored because they are definitely a sign that you are getting over your ex!

What kind of little signs am I talking about? A feeling of excitement (no matter how small) about some plans you have made with friends. A promotion at work. The muscle that you are building at the gym. That you can look at other men/women and not be completely disgusted.

You will get over your break up, that I can promise you. Noticing little moments of hope are a sign that you are well on your way to doing so.

#2 – You no longer stalk them on social media.

Be honest. When you first broke up with your person, did you spend an inordinate amount of time stalking them on social media?

Did you check their Insta-stories and their TikTok likes regularly throughout the day? Did you try to piece together what their lives looked like without you? Did you look for signs that they weren’t happy after the break up?

Unfortunately, many people stalk their exes on social media. In the old days, a break up was a break up. Keeping tabs on your ex was something that required a lot of energy, something that you don’t need today. Access to your ex is right there at your fingertips!

So, ask yourself – are you spending less time than you used to looking at them on social media? Do you find yourself drawn to things that used to interest you, like cute puppy videos?

If the answer to this question is yes, that you don’t have as much interest in what they are doing and who they are doing it with, then it is definitely an encouraging sign that you are getting over your ex and that you are moving forward.

#3 – You have clarity about what happened.

When we first go through a break up we are so confused about what happened. We often blame ourselves or look outside the relationship to see what might have led to the break up.

This confusion can lead to us reading books about break ups, seeing a therapist to discover what is wrong with us, going down the internet rabbit hole about why break ups occur and what to do to get your ex back.

I know that, when my ex left me, I was devastated. I blamed it on the girl he left me for and I hated her. And him. I spent days and months trying to figure out what had happened, blaming myself for everything.

What I learned, over time and with some help, was that the break up happened for a number of reasons.

We had been unhappy for a long time and finding our way back to each other seemed like a lot of work. I didn’t drink and he did and that got in the way of us communicating with each other. He was very social and I was more of a homebody. Mostly, the reason we were still together was purely financial. And that woman he fell in love with was ultimately the right girl for him.

This process of acceptance wasn’t easy. I had to work hard at it and, after a 20 year relationship, it took some time. But I did get there. I knew that it wasn’t all my fault that relationship issues always involve two people. That staying together for the wrong reasons wasn’t good. That our different social interests got in the way of us being happy.

No longer blaming myself and living with anger at him allowed me to move forward to find the life and the love that I desired!

#4 – You don’t talk about the break up all the time.

I don’t know why but, when we go through a break up, processing and reprocessing it is so important to us! Something about hashing and rehashing things with our friends is the best therapy.

And it is good therapy to talk about what happened. We often have so many questions that we have unanswered, so many emotions that we can’t control. And talking about those things instead of running them around and around in our head is very cathartic.

So, one of the encouraging signs that you are getting over your ex is that you no longer feel the need to process the break up with your friends/coworkers/therapist. That you have found peace with what happened and that you no longer need to talk about it.

Have you noticed that you do spend less time talking to people about what happened? Perhaps you still have some thoughts in your head but they aren’t as destructive and you don’t feel like you need to share them to manage them? Or perhaps you have moved on completely and talking about them is boring.

There are far better things to talk about then some loser who let fabulous you go!

#5 – You are looking around.

When we first break up, we have no interest in getting involved with someone else.

Of course, the inclination to go hook up with someone might be there, as a bandaid, but the idea of getting into a relationship is unappealing! So we keep our head down and deal with the break up.

Have you recently found that you have picked your head up again and looking around? Does the sight of potential suitors not disgust you like it might have in the past? Are you poking around on Hinge, wondering who is out there?

It’s hard to get back on the dating wagon after a bad break up but considering doing so is a very hopeful sign and it is an excellent step towards moving on and finding the love that you seek!

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is very important as far as moving forward with your life.

Many of us don’t notice these signs and, as a result, stay mired in the pain of the break up, having gotten used to like an old comfy sweater.

But it’s important to recognize when it is time to move on. Are you feeling somewhat hopeful about the future? Do you find that you don’t need to know about them, to think or talk about them? Have you made peace with what happened, and are you ready to move on?

If you answer yes to any or all of these questions, you are getting past the mourning phase of your breakup and ready to move forward to get the life and the love that you seek!

Good luck! You can do this!

 

 

5 Things to Choose if You Just Want to be Happy

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Do you wake up in the morning, feeling down because you just want to be happy but most days you just aren’t?

Do you wish you were like other people the ones who are always happy, nothing gets them down? They are successful, have good friends, exude confidence and are just fun to be with.

Would you like more than anything to be even one of those things but find that you struggle to get there?

Everybody wants to be happy. It seems pretty simple doesn’t it? And it can be if you know how to reach out to get it. To choose the right things that put happiness within reach for you, and for everyone.

So, what can you choose if you just want to be happy?

#1 – Choose truth.

You know those decisions that make your stomach hurt. The ones that you make because your brain tells you it’s the right thing to do, not because it is what you really want.

Yes. Those decisions. You probably made one today.

Those decisions are not based on your truth. They are based on some truth outside of yourself, some truth that is based on what everyone else says is “right.” These decisions are not good for you and your body is telling you so.

Making decisions based on what you really want, what will truly be good for you, are decisions based on your truth. These kind of decisions feel good in your body. These decisions allow you to sleep at night.

I recently sent a letter full of what I thought was constructive criticism to an organization I have been aligned with. I sent it not because I wanted to but because of pressure around me to do so. And that letter has wreaked havoc.

I don’t regret sending the letter but I know that doing so has been very hard on me; it has actually sabotaged my happiness these last few weeks. I know that, if I hadn’t sent it, I would have been happier, even though I know that my thoughts might be helpful.

Decisions not based on our truth can actually make us sick and definitely interfere with our happiness.

How do we stop making these unhealthy choices? We listen to our bodies.

Next time, when presented with a decision that needs to be made, pause and check how the potential decision makes your body feel. Our bodies will only tell us the truth. If the decision makes you feel slightly nauseous then it’s probably not a good one. If it makes your head hurt, the same. If it makes your heart leap, then that’s it. That’s the healthy decision.

Listen to your body. Unlike your brain, it will never lie to you!

# 2 – Choose love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.

And, ideally everyone, would share their life with that ONE person. The one you curl up with at night and eat cereal with in the morning. The one whose hand you hold on the subway and with whom you binge watch Ted Lasso at night. You know the person. The one who makes your heart sing.

If you have a person, don’t let them go. And if you haven’t yet found one, believe that you will.

Even if you don’t have that person right now, know that you have other people in your life who love you: your sister, your best friend, your neighbor. While these people might not be a romantic partner, they are people who you truly love and who truly love you in return.

This kind of love is unconditional and the kind of love that leads to true happiness.

Make sure that you have contact with someone who loves you every day. In person, on the phone or via text (last choice).

And don’t forget to love yourself. You are awesome. Tell yourself as often as you can. Because you are.

#3 – Choose yourself.

You know how you choose to make everyone else happy first?

You go to that raunchy movie with your kids instead of that historical drama you want to see. Or you visit your mother in law with your husband instead of working in the garden? We all do it. And it undermines our happiness.

Sometimes we do have to put someone else’s needs above our own but, really, it’s important to put ourselves first more often than not. Nobody else is going to take care of us and it’s important that we do so.

I spend much of my day caring for other people, and I love doing so. But it can leave me depleted and, sometimes, unhappy. To counteract the effects of giving all day, I make sure that I do something every day that replenishes me.

I take a walk or a watch an episode (or two) of a trashy TV show. I get a massage or grab lunch with a friend. All of these things recharge my batteries and keep me from falling into a place of unhappiness that I might struggle to pull myself out of!

Finally, if you always put yourself last, you will come to believe that you deserve to be last. By choosing yourself, you are showing yourself that you deserve to be cared for and that will not only make you happier but draw other people to you. Happiness is contagious and what you want to put out into the world, I am guessing.

#4 – Choose kindness.

Did you know being kind to someone else is one of the best ways to feel happy? It’s one of those things that many unhappy people are not aware of because they have never tried it. I wish they would.

Choosing kindness doesn’t have to be a big thing. Of course, giving your husband a trip to play golf for his birthday feels great but it’s the little things that make a difference.

Think about the look on that woman’s face when you raced after her to return the wallet that she left in the store. Or the way the barista reacted this morning when, after dealing with customer after customer who had not yet had their coffee, you thanked them with a big smile and a compliment.

How good did those things feel? Did you find that you had a spring to your step that you might not have had before? I know I do.

Being kind is not hard to do but so many of us forget to be in this crazy, jam packed and exhausting world that we live in. Making that small effort to make someone else happy can go a long way to making you feel happy too.

#5 – Choose to believe.

A key ingredient in being happy is believing that you can be. Really. But I know that doing so is not an easy thing.

Why? Because when you are unhappy it’s almost impossible to believe that you ever could be happy.

When you are unhappy and you look ahead, know that you are doing so with that unhappy feeling in your gut. Your future life seems hopeless because you are unhappy right now.

But you have to believe. To have hope.

Why? Believing in anything is the best way to manifest it. Believe that you will get that job and you will. Believe that you will find that love and you will. Believe that you will be happy and you will.

So, how do we believe in the face of the hopelessness that you are currently feeling?

Visualize that job. Feel how it will feel to have it. Store that feeling in your body and summon it when you have doubt.

You can to the same with love. Picture that perfect someone. Feel how it will feel to be loved by them. Picture yourself happy and believe that it will happen.

It really works. Try it and see.

I know that you, and all of us, just want to be happy.

I know that many of us believe that the human condition is suffering but I believe that it doesn’t have to be. And we are in charge of our own happiness and can manifest it by the choices that we make!

Try it. Try putting yourself first, loving yourself and those around you, being kind, being truthful. Believing.

What a difference it will make. I promise.

5 Reasons You Still Miss Your Ex After a Year

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You are not alone if you still miss your ex after a year. I know you might be judging yourself because you do but DON’T.

Societal pressure makes us believe that it is not okay to mourn. We are expected to get over a hurt and move on. And if we can’t, it makes us feel bad about ourselves. And feeling bad about ourselves will only hinder forward progress.

Understanding why you still miss your ex after a year will help you understand and hopefully forgive yourself so that you can move forward and find the love of your life.

#1 -You have regrets.

I have a client who is full of regrets. Years ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and ultimately left him for another man. At the time it felt like the right thing to do but now she is full of regrets.

My client didn’t get to the place where she was unfaithful in a void. Her boyfriend had broken promises to her, made plans for his future that did not include her and didn’t make her a priority when she needed him. Because of this, she was driven into the arms of another man. And she left.

What she struggles with most is that she was unfaithful. In retrospect, it feels incredibly selfish to her. She feels like if she had talked to him about how she was feeling, instead of looking outside the relationship, they might have made it.

And, if they had made it, they would have been living happily ever after.

What I am here to say is that regrets will get you nowhere. My client believes that, if she had talked to him instead of fooling around, then they would be living happily ever after. But, she just doesn’t know that.

There were already cracks in her relationship that were starting to show He was making choices without her and not making her a priority. Who is to say that those behaviors wouldn’t have continued. Or that, if they did fix things, a job on the other side of the country or the death of parent or another person might have thrown a wrench in that relationship.

Regretting what could have been is a waste of time because you are regretting something that might not have even happened.

If you are still missing your ex after a year, know that it might be because of regrets, about holding on to something that might have been, something that just really is something that you have made up in your head.

#2 – You are lying to yourself.

I believe that my client who regrets letting go of her ex has reinvented her relationship in her head.

She talks to me about how wonderful he was, how she knew he was going to do big things, that she loved him madly and that they were each other’s soul mates. As a result, she stills misses him.

The reality is, however, that they had plans to move to New York City after college but instead, without telling her, he applied to schools in San Francisco. His father died and, without talking to her, he made arrangements to live with his mother. She was feeling left behind and questioning herself in the relationship and he made her feel forgotten and unloved.

Be honest with yourself. Is the ex who you are missing really the ex that they were? If you miss your vacations together and the presents he gave you and that one fun concert you went to, are you perhaps missing those things instead of the person?

I have a client who was feeling really sad because she went to a concert that her husband had bought tickets to before he died suddenly. She told me how sad she was that they weren’t at the concert together but then she realized that, if they had been, he would have gotten drunk and sloppy and she would have had to get him home. She didn’t miss him so much after that.

So take stock Do you miss the person your ex was or the experiences that you had together? Seeing the difference might help you move on.

#3 – You haven’t found someone else.

The number one way to get over someone is to find someone else. Of course, we are told that we should find ourselves before we move on, an admirable goal but, I believe, not necessarily the best move to help you move forward.

I know that when I broke up (again) with the married guy I had been seeing for two years, the only reason that I was finally able to make it stick was because someone else appeared in my life. That person was able to distract me from thoughts about my ex and keep me busy and make me feel loved.

Have you met someone else? Have you even put yourself out there to date? Or do you spend your nights and weekends mourning your ex and regretting what might have been?

If you are still doing so, it makes sense that you are still missing your ex after a year.

#4 – You are unhappy in a relationship.

My client who had been regretting letting go of her ex even did find someone else. She met him during the pandemic and they are now living together, talking about marriage and babies. But their life together is difficult and she talks to me often about breaking up with him.

I have noticed over the past few months, as their relationship has become more difficult, that she is missing her ex more than usual. She compares their relationship to the one she is in currently and it is making her question everything.

What I suggested to her is that the reason she suddenly misses her ex is because she is unhappy with her boyfriend, that idealizing someone who she walked away from a few years back is actually helping her justify why she is unhappy that if she had just chosen differently she would be happy.

So, have you found someone but is your relationship struggling? An unhappy relationship can drive us back to the past and it’s no wonder that you still miss your ex after a year.

#5 – You aren’t happy in your life.

I have another client who has found that she still misses her ex after a year and it is driving her nuts.

She had put herself out there, met some great guys, built a life for herself in another city why hasn’t she just moved on?

My client had dated her guy in college. They were the golden couple everyone wanted to be them. She was popular and social. She excelled at her work and dominated at sports. He was the same. Life was grand.

Now, she had a great job and a great apartment and a boyfriend but her life is different. She doesn’t have the kind of friends she had in college. She doesn’t get the adulation she got when her lacrosse team won a game. The high life that she lived in college is gone, and she misses it. And her ex was a part of that life she missed!

Where are you in your life? Are you happy with it outside of any relationship? Do you have a social life that pleases you? Do you like your apartment and your job and are you living up to your potential? If any of things are missing, or you are dissatisfied elsewhere, it could be the reason you still miss your ex after a year.

I would encourage you to take a good look at your life and see what you can do to make it better. If you do, you just might find that you can move on and stop missing your ex.

Still missing your ex after a year is not uncommon but I would encourage you to consider that it’s not necessarily your ex that you miss but something else!

You have regrets for something that you think might have been but something that might not ever have been. You long for the person that you thought they could have been. You aren’t happy in your life and in your relationships.

I would encourage you to take stock of what you really miss about your ex. Is it truly that you miss your ex or are you unhappy with life life you have now?

Taking stock might help you let go of your ex and move forward to find the love that you want!

You can do it!

 

5 Things to Do to be Happy Again after a Break Up

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are trying to figure out how to be happy again after a break up. I get it! I have totally been there.

I am not sure there is any pain more intense than the pain we feel after a break up!

I remember my first broken heart. With Bobby Fortunato in the 8th grade. I was devastated. I remember my mom let me stay home from school and she gave me Jello!

So, here you are, in middle of the storm, struggling to stay afloat and wondering how you will ever be happy again!

You can be! I promise!

Here are 5 things to do to be happy again after a break up.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

Blocking an ex is the number one thing that I recommend that people do to be happy again after a break up. And it’s the number one thing that people don’t do and it holds them back.

So, why is it so important to block someone after a break up and why is it so hard to do it?

The reason why it is important to block your ex is because it is essential that you go no contact.That means no seeing each other, talking to each other, texting each other or liking each other’s posts on Instagram. Why is that important? Because any contact, any, will take you back to square one the moment of your break up when the pain was most intense.

Back in the day, when we broke up with someone, we broke up with them. With a little bit of effort, we could avoid them and then we could move on. Now, we can access any information about our ex that we want, at any time. And when we do, it sets us back.

I have a client whose man had broken her heart and, six months in, she was starting to feel better. She was even opening herself up to the idea of dating again. And what happened? Late one night, her ex drunkenly texted her. She was so excited because she thought that he wanted her back. So, she responded and they texted throughout the night. The next morning, there was radio silence. He had sobered up and moved on.

And what happened to her? She was devastated, again, and back to square one!

So, why is it so hard to block someone after a break up? I believe that it’s mostly about hope. Hope that someday their person will come back to them and they want to make sure that they are there in case that happens. People also want to keep tabs on their person, to see how quickly they move on. Sometimes they just can’t, or do not want to, break the habit. But mostly, I believe, it’s because they are holding out hope for the future.

And now that I have explained to you what my client’s reunion with her ex did to her hopefully you will see that you don’t want to be there for your ex in future you want to have moved on.

So, if you want to be happy after a break up, block your ex. I promise you it will be helpful in a big way.

#2 – Rearrange your space.

Be honest. How many times in the past few days have you looked at the chair that they sat in at breakfast or their side of the couch or the pillows that they slept on and then burst into tears. The memories of your ex’s time in your home are visceral and probably holding you back from healing.

So, what can you do about that? You can change your space! Shake things up so that your ex’s energy will be banished forever and you have space to make new memories.

What do I mean by changing your space? You can go big or little.Whatever feels good to you.

My sister, when she got divorced, switched her bedroom to another room in the house. A client of mine painted all the walls. I bought flannel sheets because my ex hated them. A friend moved the breakfast table to the other side of the kitchen. Definitely remove any and all things that they might have left behind, including pictures!

Imagine how it would feel to come down the stairs in the morning and not see your ex’s chair sitting there, empty. Imagine if your bed, because of your new sheets, no longer resembles the one you shared with your ex. If your space was truly your space again.

Even if your space is small there is still opportunity to make change right now. Take a look around. What would feel really good to change right now? Stand up and do it or make a plan to do it this weekend!

You will be glad you did!

#3 – Change your routines.

Much like changing your space, changing your routines are an essential part of being happy again after a break up.

We are all creatures of habit and we tend to do the same things day in, day out. I know for my partner and me, when we get home from work we go for a walk, have a drink on the couch, make dinner, watch some TV and go to bed. We do it almost every day and we love it. It is very comforting.

I know that, if we broke up, I would be devastated. And I would, most likely, carry on doing the things that we had always done together. And that would only make me lonely.

Take a look at your routines. What kind of habits did you and your ex develop over the course of your relationship? Did you go to the same coffee shop every Saturday? Go to a different one. Did you have pizza for dinner every Wednesday? Have burritos instead. Did you each have your own side of the bed? Switch your place to other side.

Changing routines will help you let go of your ex. It will also serve to adjust your brain to the new reality. When we do the same things over and over, we develop ruts in our brain. When we are pushed out of our ruts, we get very uncomfortable. But, if we can stay out of them, we can rewire our brains to do things differently namely to no longer focus on our ex.

So, what kind of routines and habits did you and your ex share? Which of them can you change? (You can even start with just one!) When you can change that thing? And how would it feel to do so?

Changing your routines will be a key part of your journey to be happy again after a breakup.

#4 – Push yourself.

When I got divorced 12 years ago, I was a shell of myself. For 20 years I had been married to someone who made me fearful not afraid of him but afraid of the world around me.

As a result, there were many things that I didn’t do. That I couldn’t do. And, when I noticed this, I recognized that I was going to have to do some of those things if I wanted to be happy again.

So, what did I do? I set out to do all of the things that I was uncomfortable doing.

I had always been scared of jet skis and snorkeling and I did both. I had become increasingly uncomfortable driving in snow storms so I did so every opportunity I could. I went to Peru and climbed a 17,000 foot high mountain and to Arizona and hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

What did pushing myself do for me? It rebuilt my self esteem and made me realize that I was a person outside of my relationship. Accomplishing things that were challenging made me feel good about myself and very strong. And I realized that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do alone that I didn’t need to be part of a pair to succeed or live a good life.

I would encourage you to take stock of the things that scare you and set out to do at least one of them. Do things that you have always wanted to do, even if you have to do them alone. Be the person you were before the end of this relationship. That person is still in there, waiting to be set free from behind the grief!

#5 – Have hope.

I know that, from where you sit, you feel like your future is hopeless and that you will never love or be loved again. What I can promise you is that how you are feeling just isn’t true. I promise.

When we are in a bad place it is virtually impossible to see the future as a hopeful one. We are feeling so fully what it’s like to be miserable and the journey out of that misery is murky.

What I can promise you is that, with time, you will be happy again. You will get your life back. You will be happy. You will love and be loved again. It is more than possible; it is most probable.

That being said, you can’t just sit back, eating ice cream, watching TV, stalking your ex on Instagram, and wait for the misery to pass. You must be able to step up and take the steps that are necessary to get your life back.

So, even if you are feeling hopeless, listen to me. You can do this! And it will be worth it, you will see!

I know it’s hard to believe that you can be happy again after a break up but hopefully I have inspired you to shake things up a bit so that you can move on and be happy, sooner than later!

When we let go of a relationship, it is often the residual effects, the energy, the loss, the sadness, that hold us back from healing. If you can shake up your space and your head, block your person completely, push yourself to find yourself again and have hope, you will be happy again. You will have the life and the love that you have always wanted!

I promise!

7 Ways to ‘Fake It Til You Make It’ When You are Feeling Sad

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So many of us, myself included, find they have to fake it until you make it when they are feeling sad.

Life is busy with work, family, friends, pets, etc. Who has time to be sad? I know that I don’t.

Unfortunately, it can be very hard to not give in to the sadness to not let it derail your life.

Luckily there are a few hacks that you can use that will help you fake it until you make it when you are feeling sad.

#1 – Get out of bed.

This might seem fairly obvious but, for many people, the act of simply getting out of bed when they are depressed is impossible.

The inclination to stay under the covers, in the dark, away from the stimulation of the world is almost irresistible when you are depressed. Bed is comfy and cozy and not going to judge you in any way for how you are feeling.

If you are trapped in your bed, GET OUT OF IT!

People I know who are depressed go to great lengths to stay out of bed when they are feeling sad.

I have known people to take their mattress off the box spring and lean it against the wall. Some people pile their mattresses with books. Others strip the bed of the sheets.

Whatever it takes to keep them out of bed.

Because, out of bed, it is way more likely that you will actually be able to do something other than lay around, ruminating about how horrible you feel.

#2 – Do what makes you feel good.

When we are struggling with sadness and depression, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don’t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling sad, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead, it is important to do things that make you feel good.

What kind of things might work? That depends on who you are in the world but here are a few ideas.

  • Take a walk.
  • Spend time with friends.
  • Take a bath.
  • Do some yoga.
  • Binge on some fun TV.
  • Have sex
  • Go to the movies.
  • Take a road trip

So, what makes you happy? I know it seems hard now but ask yourself what you usually enjoy doing. Or ask a friend. Doing something that makes you happy will raise your endorphins and help you manage your sadness.

#3 – Take care of yourself.

An excellent coping mechanism for working through depression is taking care of yourself.

After my mom died I fell apart. Getting off the couch was next to impossible. Tequila was my closest companion with ice cream a close second.

Fortunately for me, a friend saw what I was doing to myself and helped get me back on track. I started going to yoga, getting more sleep, eating better and drinking lots of water.

I started spending more time outdoors in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun felt good on my body and the Vitamin D provided by the sun is a natural anti-depressant.

I know that if I hadn’t started taking care of myself, if I hadn’t made my body stronger, my sadness would only have gotten worse!

#4 – Keep your mind active.

Unfortunately, when you’re feeling sad, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all.

You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren’t good at anything. You will never find love.You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn’t go there.

It is really important, when you are feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this You are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don’t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#5 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don’t, it could be time to start.

Did you know that negative thoughts are 4 times more powerful in your head than after they have been spoken or written. Think about it the last time you were stuck listening to those negative voices didn’t you feel much better when you shared them with someone? Yes! Even if your problems weren’t solved at least they weren’t rolling around in your head, making things messy.

Writing about how you are feeling and things that are making sad, or whatever it is that is stuck in your head, can be an excellent way to fake it until you make it’ when you are feeling sad, especially if you don’t have someone with whom to share your sadness. When you have no one to talk to when you are feeling sad, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it can be much easier to manage.

#6 – Spend time with friends but choose carefully.

One of the most important things to manage when you’re feeling depressed is your environment. Your bed and your pjs might feel like the right thing to do but you know now they are not.

The same attention needs to be paid to who you spend time with when you are feeling depressed. If there are people in your life who bring you down then avoiding them when you aren’t doing well is very important.

My mother was very difficult to spend time with when I was depressed. She was always trying to talk me out of my depression by pretending that it didn’t exist or telling me to just snap out of it. Both of those things just made me feel worse. So, I avoided her when I wasn’t doing well. It was best for both of us.

Consider who you shouldn’t spend time with when you are depressed, and avoid them. On the same note, think about who would be a good person to be with and make a date with them right now!

#7 – Know that feeling sad isn’t a sign of weakness.

Another piece of faking it until you make it when you are feeling sad is to admit to yourself that, in fact, you are struggling.

So many of us, when we are struggling with depression, judge ourselves. We are all taught that we need to be tough, to not let our emotions overwhelm us, to get over it. Furthermore, we look at those around us and assume that everyone else is fine, that it is only us who is such a loser.

But this is NOT true. Sadness and depression are real things. While we all think that we should suck it up and be happy, sometimes it just isn’t possible. Sometimes we are just sad. And it is ok.

Owning, to yourself at least, the fact that you are sad, and recognizing that it’s ok. is an excellent way to get through those times when the sadness is with you so that you can get through it intact.

In many ways it is sad that we have to fake it until we make it when we are feeling sad.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful if society as a whole was willing to accept that depression is a thing and give us space to be depressed openly.

Unfortunately, while we are getting there, that is not the way life is right now so knowing how to get through your sadness is a key part of not letting it derail your life.

So, when you are feeling sad, first and foremost, get out of bed. Take care of yourself. Do something fun. Control your thoughts and accept that this is just how things are for now.

All of those things will allow you to keep moving forward when you are depressed. And sometimes, if you keep moving forward, that in itself will help with your depression.

All of this being said, if you are feeling depressed and you find that it isn’t going away, that it is derailing your life, it is essential that you see your doctor. What you are dealing with might be more than sadness and your doctor can help you figure out ways to deal with it.

But for now   get out there. Live! You can do it!

How to Heal When Your Ex Has Moved On but You Haven’t

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Are you wondering how to heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t?

Are you living every day in pain as you watch them get on with their life, maybe even date someone else? Are you feeling overwhelmed by emotion and the empty space that has been left after the break up?

Do you feel like a loser and totally unloveable and do you feel hopeless and sure that you will never love or be loved again?

You are not alone. Getting past a break up is hard, especially after being broken up with, but it’s not impossible.

I know because my ex walked out on me for another woman, leaving me a shell of myself. But I can tell you that I got through it and so will you!

Here are some things that you can do to help you heal when your ex has moved on but you haven’t.

#1 – Go cold turkey.

There is nothing more tempting then, when you are missing your ex, especially when they have already moved on, to stalk him or her.

These days there are so many ways to keep tabs on an ex social media has made it all so easy. Unfortunately, keeping tabs on your ex makes it really hard to let go and move on.

I know that it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal, to take a quick peak at your ex’s feed, but you know, as well as I do, that there is a chance you could see something on there that you just don’t want to see. Perhaps them out there, having fun without you, doing something that you used to do together, or perhaps doing it with someone else. And seeing any or all of those things could send you into a tail spin.

I know that with my ex, who I was married to for 20 years, seeing him and her spend time with my kids, go to family events that I used to go to, leaving the cat with me so that he could travel with his new girlfriend, all filled me with such sadness and rage. And yet I couldn’t stay away. I would ask my kids about them and stalk them on social media. I did this for years.

It was only after I finally committed to not stalking him at all that I was able to begin to let go. Thinking to myself that he had moved to another planet was very helpful.

So, eliminate all ties to your ex on social media. Block him on your phone. Don’t ask your mutual friends about what he is doing. Tell yourself that he has moved to Mars and that you will never see him again.

You will be glad you did.

#2 – Write things down.

One of the first things I tell all of my clients when they have broken up with someone they loved is to take stock of the reasons that their relationship wasn’t working. Make a list a list of all of things that didn’t work in the relationship, all the things that you struggled with, all of the things that you tried to fix but failed to.

I was devastated when my ex left but, in reality there were a lot of things about him that were red flags to me, red flags that I should have recognized at the beginning of our relationship that I had refused to acknowledge. If I was honest with myself, I was better off without him.

When we are still in a relationship with someone, we are regularly exposed to those things that remind us why we need to walk away. When we break up, those things tend to recede into our memory and they get replaced by the good things, the good times, all the things that we loved about that person.

And, with the good things at the front of our minds, we are vulnerable to not being able to move on, even if they already did.

So, make a list. Make a list of everything that you can think of that might have led to the breakup. Keep that list close and refer to it when you are missing them. And keep the list close in case they comes back, begging for forgiveness.

Also, use that list to remind yourself that the person they moved on to is going to have to deal with those things. It’s not like your ex is going to be miraculously changed in this new relationship. They will ultimately be stuck with them. I am sure my ex’s new wife feels that way, 8 years later.

#3 – Put yourself first.

Ok, so you are single again and you suddenly find yourself with lots of free time. And you might also find yourself craving a lot of ice cream.

Now is not the time to sit around, watching Netflix and eating ice cream. While those things might be fun in the moment, in the long run they will only make you feel worse.

The best thing that you can do for yourself right now is to exercise and take care of yourself. When you are going through a hard time, the number one thing that can make you feel better is the endorphins that are created through exercise. Those chemicals will actually make you feel very different from the sad and lonely person you might feel like right now.

Furthermore, if you get enough sleep and eat well, your body will feel strong and it will help with your healing.

And, best of all, taking care of yourself will make you look hot, way hotter than you might look if you only indulged in Netflix and ice cream. And looking good is an excellent way to win your break up. Imagine the look on their face if you run into them!

So, again, this is the time to take care of yourself. Don’t let yourself fall apart. The pulling yourself back together down the road will be so much more difficult if you do.

#4 – Dream big.

Another thing to do with all of that free time is to start doing something that you have always wanted to do. Don’t sit around feeling sorry for your empty space; do something with it.

A client of mine broke up with a man she loved desperately but who couldn’t commit to her. She was devastated. I asked her to name a few things that she had always wanted to do. One of the things that she came up with was writing.

In this day and age, it is quite possible to write and get what you write out to the masses without going through the process of publishing a book or getting a magazine to publish your article. You can simply write a blog and post it to a variety of platforms available online.

My client started writing about her broken heart, what happened, her insights about what she could have done differently, the way she felt with him gone from her life. It was hard work for her, emotionally, but soon she started to get a following. Other women who were going through the same things appreciated her written words and started commenting on her articles. As a result, she built a small community of women who supported each other through the rough times.

What is it that you have always wanted to do? Travel? Learn to play the piano? Get back to the pottery you used to do regularly? Pick one thing and start doing it. You have the time. Life is short. Don’t waste it!

#5 – Reconnect with old friends and make new ones.

For many of us, when we are in relationships, we tend to disconnect with people who might previously have been a big part of our lives. None of us do it intentionally, or with malice, but it does happen. And those friends are still out there.

Make an effort to reach out to those friends, the friends who knew you before. They will be happy to have you back and happy to support you getting through this time.

Also, now is a great time to make new friends. I have a client who is using Bumble BFF, an app for women to connect with other women, to find some new friends, ones who are single and want to get out and do things like she does. She has connected with some amazing women in just a few weeks.

People who love you are a great way to get you through a tough time. They fill that empty space left by your ex. A great way to heal after your ex has moved on but you haven’t is to fill that space with people who will bring you back to life. Because, again, life is short. Live it fully.

I know that you believe you will never no longer be hurt after your ex moved on but you haven’t, but I can promise you that you can move on and be happy again.

Having a plan is always the best course of action, I believe, much better than TV and junk food and hours spent dreading the future.

So, now that you have read this article, get up off the couch. Get a notebook and make a list of all of the things that drove you crazy about your ex. Keep it close. Block your ex on your phone and on every social media platform you are connected on. Get out there and exercise. Do some things that you have always wanted to do. Reconnect with old friends. Fill your calendar with things that will make you happy and disconnect from the person you have to move on from.

I know it doesn’t seem possible but life does not end with a break up. Rather, it begins again. It is up to you to take advantage of this new beginning and make the most of your life.

You can do it! It will be worth it! I promise

5 Signs Your Depression is Getting Really Bad After Your Break Up

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Are you wondering if your depression is getting really bad after your breakup?

Do you find yourself just getting sadder and sadder? Have your friends mentioned that you are not yourself? Have you been ignoring your mother’s calls for months?

Knowing if your depression is getting worse after a breakup is a hard thing to do because you are living your life day to day, and the big picture of what is going on with your mood can be cloudy.

It's important to know if your depression is getting worse because with knowledge comes power. If you know you are, in fact, getting more depressed every day, then knowing will give you the opportunity to figure out the next steps to take.

Here are 5 signs that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#1 - You Have No Hope

Do you feel completely hopeless?

Do you believe that tomorrow will be worse than today? That your work is only going to get harder? That going out with your friends is worse than death? That you will never love or be loved again?

Feeling hopeless is a key sign of depression.

I know that when I feel depressed, looking forward to the future is virtually impossible. I believe that I am worthless and will never add anything to the world and why even bother to get any help because it's not going to make a difference. It's a horrible feeling.

What I am here to tell you is that there is hope for your future. Even though you might want to slap the person who tells you that 'everything will be fine,' I can promise you that, if you can get some help to get you out of your depression, the future can be bright. That you will excel at work and that you will love and be loved again.

So, feeling hopeless is a key sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#2 - You Are Isolating

Be honest. When was the last time you left your house? Was it yesterday to get some take out? Was it a few days back when you needed to do some laundry? Was it last week for a friend's birthday?

Take stock, right now, of the last time that you left the house. It is important that you take note because it's easy to lose track.

Have you been spending time with your family and friends? Does the idea of doing so fill you with dread, and are you ignoring everyone at all costs? Would you rather stay home and watch TV than do anything at all?

All of the things I discussed above are signs that you are isolating. Isolating is another key indicator that you are depressed and that things might be getting worse.

I know that the idea of getting off your butt and doing something is incredibly daunting right now, but if you can do even one small thing - like taking a walk with a friend or going to a movie - you will feel better, even if only for a short time.

#3 - You Can't Get Out of Bed or Off the Couch

Are you struggling with a complete lack of energy? Do you spend all day in bed, sleeping or eating ice cream and watching the ‘Desperate Housewives of some city far away’?

Do you sometimes manage to get out of bed, only to make your way over to the couch where you settle in under your blanket and watch some romantic movies that make you feel worse?

People who are depressed have very little energy and, as a result, spend a lot of time sedentary. And being sedentary is not only a sign of depression but it's also the worst thing that you can do to work through it.

I have heard some great ideas from people who are struggling to get out of bed or off the couch when they are depressed.

When they get out of bed, they put their mattress against the wall so that impulsively getting back into bed is impossible. Another thing that they do is to load up the couch with books and clothes and other lumpy things so that being on the couch is uncomfortable.

With no place to collapse into, being sedentary is much more difficult, and it might force you to get out into the world, to get some exercise, and maybe even see friends!

#4 - You Haven't Showered

I know that when one of my friends is feeling really depressed, the indicator is that she never showers. When she is depressed, self-care is the first thing that goes.

She doesn't shower. She doesn't shave. She doesn't take her vitamins. She doesn't eat. She doesn't do her laundry. She pretty much does nothing that will help keep her body strong and healthy.

And not feeling healthy only fuels her depression.

My friend knows that she does this. A coping skill that she has developed is that, when she has a moment or two when she feels okay (which we all do when we are depressed but, unless we make an effort in that moment, we just fall back into the darkness), she takes a shower. And, more likely than not, this one little piece of self-care makes a big difference with her mood, even if only for a bit. And feeling better about herself helps her reach out to her friends or her doctor for help!

So, are you dirty, hungry, and unkempt? If yes, it definitely might be a sign that your depression is getting really bad after your breakup.

#5 - You Are Self-Sabotaging

Unfortunately, when one is feeling hopeless, alone, lazy, and dirty, the desire to do anything positive is just not there. As a result, we do things that are self-sabotaging, things that might keep us depressed rather than moving towards healing.

What kind of self-sabotaging? Reaching out to our ex. Stalking them on Instagram. Reading old text messages. Reflecting on how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Is this you? If it is, STOP these behaviors right now! All of these things will only keep you in a dark spot.

You have broken up with your person, and yes, it's very sad, but the number one thing that you can do to help you move past it is to go 'no contact.' Every moment of contact you have with your ex will only drag you back into that hole of depression.

Imagine if, instead of reaching out to your person, you reached out to a friend. Imagine if, instead of stalking them on Instagram, you used your time on your phone to text with the sister who makes you laugh. Imagine if, instead of reading old text messages, you deleted them, taking back your power. And how about accepting that the way things were in the beginning will never be that way again, because they never are.

So, consider your behaviors these days. If you find you are self-sabotaging instead of doing the things that you need to do to get out of this darkness, then you are definitely depressed.

If your depression is getting really bad after your breakup, know that there are things that you can do about it.

The first step is acknowledging and accepting that you are depressed. Doing so will help you take that first step forward!

Once you have accepted your depression, it is the time to take action. Take a shower, take your mattress off the bed, reach out to a friend, eat something that is good for you, take a walk, and go ‘no contact’ with your ex. If you can do even ONE of these things, you will be on the road to getting past your depression and starting to live your life again.

If you find that these things aren't making your depression go away, it might be time to see your primary care doctor, to see if they can help you manage your mood. They won’t judge you. I promise!

I know that it all seems daunting right now, but I promise that you can do it. And imagine how good you will feel when you do!

5 Surprising Reasons Why People Cheat

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Although perspectives around cheating seem to be very black and white, the reasons why people cheat are really not so clear.

Many cheaters are seen as horrible people, people who are willing to destroy their relationship so that they can have sex with someone else. They are commonly seen as degenerates, lacking morals and ethics.

While straying from a relationship is often a mistake, people who cheat aren ‘ t always people of low moral character. They are people whose life experience has set them up for straying.

Understanding the 5 surprising reasons why people cheat might help you understand why your partner might have cheated and why cheating is so prevalent in our culture.

#1 – Their parents did it.

One of my clients went into her marriage with her eyes wide open. Both of her parents cheated and it had destroyed their family. She remembers vividly the yelling and the screaming, the sneaking around, the knowing glances at family parties, the general feeling of anger and distress that existed in their household.

She was determined to not have that happen in her marriage.

10 years into her marriage, she found herself miserable. She was trying to accept that her love and sex life was over and she was really struggling with it. And then, one day, she met a man at the bulk-food section in the local natural food store and everything changed.

Within months, my client was having an affair with her bulk-food guy. They were spending as much time together as they could, talking about things that they cared about and having the most amazing sex they had ever had.

One day, my client paused and realized that she was doing exactly what her parents had done. And she was mortified. History had repeated itself without her even noticing.

#2 – They are trying to sabotage their relationship.

Many people are stuck in relationships that they hate, relationships that started out so well and devolved into chaos.

Perhaps the relationship lacks respect and is full of contempt. Perhaps the sex has dried up. Perhaps there is nothing but fighting. Perhaps they hate each other to the extent they can ‘ t even spend a moment with each other.

For many people, these kind of toxic relationships are untenable but they are also relationships that they just can ‘ t get out of. Whether it ‘ s because they are scared to leave or because they are being controlled by the other person, escaping from this relationship seems impossible.

As a result, they see having an affair as an excellent way to sabotage their relationship.

They know that, when their person discovers their cheating, they will either kick them out or leave. They know that their person will no longer want to look at them, knowing they have had sex with someone else. They know that there is no way their relationship will ever survive infidelity.

So, instead of facing the issues in their relationship and trying to get out of it in a healthy way, one of the reasons why people cheat is because they think it will help them get out of the toxicity that they are forced to live with every day.

#3 – They are trying to save their relationship.

I had a client once whose therapist told her that her affair had actually saved her marriage.

For years, my client did not get the emotional support that she needed from her husband. They were excellent managers of their household, very good parents, their finances were strong, and, generally, they were happy. But my client was dissatisfied. She knew that something was missing in her marriage, something that her husband just wasn ‘ t able to provide.

When she started having an affair, those emotional needs started to be satisfied. While she thought she would never be able to love or have sex again, suddenly she was having tremendous amounts of both, and while this did fill her with guilt, it also allowed her to get what she needed in her life without leaving her marriage and destroying her family.

Another way that people see cheating as a way to save a relationship is because they see it as a wake-up call, that if their partner knows that they cheated they will see all they have to lose and step up to improve the relationship. I know it seems counter-intuitive but I have sometimes seen just that happen.

So, instead of directly addressing the issues in their relationship, people sometimes cheat hoping it will fix things!

#4 – They are depressed.

For many people who are depressed, nothing can make them happy.

Whether they are chemically depressed, which means that their brain chemistry is off balance, or they are situationally depressed, which means things in their life are causing the mood change, people who struggle with depression will go to great lengths to find things that will help them feel better.

A client of mine has spent the past year taking care of her dying mother. One day, one of the fathers of her son ‘ s friend started talking to her at a hockey game. They started talking at every game, and then they met for coffee, and then they started going for hikes together and, before they knew it, they were having an affair.

For the first time since her mother got sick, my client found herself not depressed. Of course, her mother dying was a horrible thing, but the time she spent with her guy allowed her to get out of her depression, even for a short period of time, which helped her keep herself afloat while watching her mother die.

Understanding that depression is one of the reasons why people cheat can help explain the unexplainable.

#5 – They have impulse control issues.

I bet right now you are thinking ‘ Yeah, right! Impulse control is no excuse for cheating. I mean, everybody has some sort of impulse control and not everybody cheats. ‘

And while this might be the case, many people do have impulse control issues and those issues can prevent them from being able to resist a situation that might give them pleasure.

Do you know how some people can ‘ t stop eating sugar, can ‘ t stop drinking coffee, can ‘ t resist spending thousands on eBay? Who, if presented with a bowl of ice cream or a delicious latte or a hand bag on Ebay, just can’t resist indulging. This is caused by a lack of impulse control. It is the same as people who cheat. Put a situation in front of them where they might cheat, they will find it hard to resist.

Of course, in our society, cheating is worse than alcohol, chocolate, or shopping but the situation is very similar. Often looking to self-medicate, people with impulse control issues will seek anything that they can to fill the hole that they are trying to fill.

There are many surprising reasons why people cheat.

Of course, there is the standard belief that cheating is all about the sex, all about betrayal of the partner, all about moral depravity. But, in fact, the reasons for cheating are way more complicated than that.

It can be hard to break the patterns that your parents taught you. Relationships are complicated and fixing them or leaving them can be difficult. Depression is a very hard thing to manage, as is impulse control.

None of these things are EXCUSES for cheating but they are CAUSES. And if you can understand the cause of something, you have the opportunity to come up with a fix.

5 Things to Do to Fill the Empty Space Left After a Break Up

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There is nothing worse than the empty space that is left after a break up.

For weeks, months, or years, you have had someone in your life, someone who shared the good times and the bad, someone who you went to the movies with, went out to dinner with, took home for holidays, etc.

That person, and the things that you did together, is now gone, leaving a wide open space that needs to be filled. Leaving it empty can be incredibly uncomfortable and cause a tremendous amount of pain.

So, what can you do to fill the empty space left after a break up? Let me help ‘ ¦

#1 – Spend time with people who love you.

There ‘ s nothing better to fill the empty space left after a break up then spending time with people who love you.

For many of us, when we are in a relationship, we fill all of our empty space with our person. But, remember, there was a time when you didn ‘ t have this person in your life. Who was your favorite person to hang out with before your ex? Who made you laugh? Who was your partner in crime? Who always made you feel loved?

Pick up the phone and call that person right now! Make a plan with them to do something that you used to do that made you happy.

The lesson here is that there are many people in your life who you love and who can fill that space for you, maybe even better than your ex could!

#2 – Get a change in scenery.

I know for one of my clients, the first thing she does at the end of a relationship is to make a plan to get away from her everyday life.

Usually, it involves a short drive to visit a friend or a family member but sometimes she goes bigger. Once she even planned a trip to London. She had always wanted to go there and was given an opportunity to run a marathon.

Her relationship had just ended so she decided to go for it! And what happened? She kicked ass in the marathon and she met a lovely British man who helped her manage her broken heart.

So, if you need to fill that empty space left after your break up, I would encourage you to change the scenery.

Where would you go for a change? Even if it ‘ s just going to a friend ‘ s house for the night, or going to visit your parents or jumping on a train and going to see an old friend or booking a flight to the Caribbean, whatever you can do to get out of the space that you occupied with your ex, ASAP.

Doing something different, even if for a brief moment, will help you fill the empty space that is feeling so painful right now.

#3 – Rearrange things.

One of my personal favorites, of all the things that I recommend for people to do while they ‘ re getting through a break up, is to rearrange things.

One of the reasons that there is so much empty space in your life is because your space is the same as it always has been.

Do you walk into your home and see the empty space your ex used to fill? Do you come home at the end of the day, as usual, and feel their absence?

Do you go out for your regular Wednesday night Thai food and does it only make you feel lonely because you used to do it together?

Well then, it ‘ s time to shake things up.

When a client of mine went through her divorce, she decided that she was going to totally rearrange her space. She was in a lot of pain at the end of her marriage and she wanted to do something different.

So, she swapped her bedroom and her living room. She moved her bedroom into the space with the fireplace and decorated it with all the things that she loved the most. She purchased new furniture for her living room and created a space for herself to spend time knitting and watching TV.

Whenever she went to bed at the end of the night, she didn ‘ t do so with the ghost of her ex-husband next to her. It was almost like she had moved to a whole new house and that empty space did not feel so empty.

So, try changing up your space. It might give you a whole new lease on life.

#4 – Try something new.

A client of mine recently went through a terrible break up. She was blindsided and left broken and empty.

This is not the first time has happened to her. Like all of us, as she goes through the dating world, she has gotten her heart broken more than once.

Typically, what she does when she ‘ s heartbroken is she stays at home, feeling sorry for herself, googling articles to justify how she feels about how her ex behaved, eating ice cream, and generally feeling sorry for yourself.

She decided to do things differently this time. After spending the weekend with her mother, crying and getting love, she drove directly to a music store and bought herself a violin.

When she was younger, she played the violin. She was really good at it and it made her really happy. When she went off to college and started her career, the violin fell to the side. She wanted to bring it back.

So, she bought the violin and filled those empty spaces with the instrument that had always brought her such joy. She was able to re-familiarize herself with how to play and she was able to build her skill and and find true joy. It was far better for her than sitting in front of her computer, reading things that were making her depressed and eating food that was bad for her.

So, is there something that you have always wanted to do or something from your childhood that you could start doing again that would make you feel good?

I encourage you to think about this and to take the steps that you can take to try something new, something that you never shared with your ex, so that you get to know yourself again and not see yourself only as part of a pair.

#5 – Take my course!

I have created a course, 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On, that I created especially to fill the void that has been left after a break up.

When we are left with empty space after a relationship ends, we are often left helpless and hopeless about what to do next. That empty space can be very debilitating.

In my course, you will find daily activities, things that you can do to help you fill that empty space in a healthy way so that you can move forward with your life.

The course is broken up into 4 weeks. The first week is about letting go of the pain. The second week is about rebuilding your self-esteem. The third week is about preparing to put yourself out there, either to date or just to live. And week four is about taking action with the goals you set.

This course is just the thing that you need to fill the empty space left after your break up, to rebuild your self-esteem, to get past the pain and to move on with your life.

Check it out here. It might just change your life.

Filling the empty space that is caused by a break up is an important part of getting through the pain and to come out the other side.

If you sit around at home, feeling sorry for yourself and not making any efforts to fill the space, you will never get past this break up.

I encourage you to get off the couch right now, to spend time with people who love you, to plan an excursion, to rearrange stuff in your life, to try something new, and to check out my new course.

I can promise you that, with time, this empty space will be completely filled with life and love. For now, take steps to deal with it so that you can heal and move forward!

You can do it!

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