How to Help Your Partner With Depression – Even if They Don’t Want You To
There is nothing worse than having a partner who struggles with depression, especially if you have never struggled with it yourself.
And depression can have a devastating effect on relationships because managing it can be very difficult.
While it might seem obvious, the steps you might take to help your spouse with depression (i.e. talk them out of it), the steps that truly work aren’t so clear.
Let me share with you how to help your partner with depression and keep your relationship healthy.
Knowing these things will set you up for success as far as helping your partner and keeping your relationship strong.
#1 – Don’t try to fix them.
If there is one thing that you take away from this article, it’s that if your partner has depression, you don’t try to fix them. This means that you don’t try to talk them out of it. You don’t tell them to be strong. You don’t remind them how great their life is.
This means that you don’t tell them that they have to get help, that they have to reach out to a psychiatrist to fix them. This means that you don’t threaten to leave them if they don’t change.
People who are depressed know how great their lives are. They know that they should get help. They believe that you should leave them. The thing is – they don’t care. Their depression is running through their brains, and there is no magical thinking that will change how they are feeling. So, how to help your partner with depression, more than anything, is to be there for them, empathize and love them. Trying to fix them will only push them away.
#2 – Let them know you see them and are there for them.
When people are depressed, as I said above, the last thing in the world that they want to do is be fixed. There is literally nothing that you can say trying to fix them that will make any change.
What will help them is if you tell them that you see that they are struggling and that you are there for them. That you don’t understand what they are going through but that you empathize with how much it is hurting them.
Tell them that you are there for them, just to be, and that, whenever they are ready, you will be there to help them with whatever they need from you. Just having another person see you when you are depressed can be a big help!
#3 – Don’t dismiss their feelings.
If your person is telling you that they feel sad or depressed or hopeless, whatever you do, don’t try to talk them out of it.
Don’t tell them that their life is good or that they are successful at work or a good mother. Don’t remind them of an upcoming vacation or the fact that you have a fun party to go to in a few weeks.
Don’t say anything to them except for “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Trying to dismiss your partner’s feelings when they are depressed will only backfire on you and make them not want to confide in you.
#4 – Ask them what they need.
When your person tells you that they are struggling, ask them what they need. They might not know the answer, but they will appreciate that you asked.
One thing that I always encourage my clients to do when they struggle with depression is to, when they aren’t depressed, talk to their partner about what they need when they are depressed. Oftentimes, when we are depressed, we just can’t see what would help us – we are too far gone. Having a list of what might work and a partner who knows about that list could be very helpful.
#5 – Educate yourself.
If you yourself have never dealt with depression, it can be hard to understand what depression feels like.
I mean, we have all had periods of feeling down, but usually, those times pass, and life goes on. Not so much for someone who is struggling with depression.
In order to help someone, it’s important that you understand what you are dealing with. To that end, educate yourself.
There is an endless amount of information out there about depression. I would encourage you to not go looking at TikTok or Instagram for information about depression. Yes, you will get many people’s perspectives on depression (which might be helpful down the road), but you won’t understand it on its most basic, scientific level if you just rely on social media. Articles from reputable resources are where you should start!
Check out this article to help you get educated about mental health conditions.
#6 – Recognize symptoms.
Part of educating yourself is learning to identify symptoms of depression. If you can see them coming, that will help you be able to help your partner.
Some symptoms of depression: Sleeplessness, hopelessness, isolation, irritability, lack of energy, persistent sadness, and reduced mental clarity.
Of course, all of these things can be indicators of something else or of nothing, but if you see these symptoms in your partner, pay attention and see what is going on.
#7 – Have compassion.
I know that having a partner who is depressed is very difficult. The person that you love is diminished. They are less likely to engage you. They are less likely to be helpful around the house. They might be snappy or even angry. They can just be plain difficult to be around.
If your partner is struggling with depression, try to have some compassion. They don’t want to be depressed, and they don’t want to hurt you. If you can understand this, you will go a long way toward helping them through their struggles.
#8 – Accept them as they are.
If your partner is struggling with depression, sometimes it can be really hard to accept who they are in those moments.
I mean, the person who you fell in love with wasn’t depressed. The person you wake up next to wasn’t this way 6 months ago. The person who you see every day is a stranger to you.
And I know that this sucks, but if your partner is struggling with depression, accepting them as they are in this moment is important. It might be hard, but recognizing that they are struggling and telling them that it’s ok and that you are there for them, just might be the thing that you can do to help them work through it.
#9 – Learn what might be a trigger.
Sometimes people are chemically depressed. This means that their brain chemistry is off in a way that makes it hard to regulate their moods. With chemical depression, it can be hard to recognize why someone gets depressed. They just do.
Someone with situational depression has a different kind of depression. Their depression is caused by a situation or a traumatic event. The cause of their depression is easier to identify and can be easier to manage.
People with situational depression can sometimes work through their depression with time and/or therapy, but some can have things come up regularly that trigger them. Keep your eyes open for what your partner’s triggers might be. Perhaps see if you can prevent those situations from occurring. Getting ahead of it can be helpful to shut down the depression before it even starts!
#10 – Take care of yourself.
When our partner is struggling with depression, it’s very easy to give everything to them. To spend all of our time and energy trying to support them.
And, while this is very loving of you, it’s not ok. Much like we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping someone on an airplane, so too is it important that we take care of ourselves when we are trying to support someone else.
Try to make sure that you eat well and get enough sleep. Do things that make you happy. Make sure that you don’t let tasks go that would lead you to feel bad about yourself. Do what you need to do to stay strong. I know that your partner wouldn’t want you to fall apart if they are struggling. Watching you do so might even make things worse for them. So, don’t do that. For the sake of both of you, take care of yourself.
#11 – Be an active listener.
When your partner is depressed and wanting to share with you what is going on, I would encourage you to be an active listener.
Active listening involves not just hearing what your partner is saying to you but trying to understand what their words mean. To be an active listener, you must be actively involved in the conversation.
This article in Very Well Mind will help you understand what active listening involves and how you can learn how to do it to help your partner when they are struggling.
#12 – Seek help.
Of course, when we see our partners struggling, our first instinct is to try to get them help. It’s a good instinct but it is also something that our partners might refuse to take part in. And don’t force them to – that will only backfire on you.
What you can do, however, is to get some help for yourself. To talk to someone who can help you understand what you are dealing with, who can help you learn how to take care of yourself and to help you maintain your own mental health as you support your partner.
Reach out today to a life coach or a therapist to get the support you need.
#13 – Don’t take it personally.
It’s very hard not to take your partner’s depression personally. I mean, you are the person they spend the most time with – and the person who is on the receiving end of the side effects of the depression – so of course it must be about you.
And, more often than not, your partner’s depression isn’t about you. Of course, if your relationship is an unhappy one, then yes, it might be part of your partner’s depression, but, more often than not, their sadness is not about you but about either the chemistry in their brain or external stimuli.
Taking your person’s depression personally will only hold you back from supporting them and keeping yourself healthy as you do.
#14 – Offer hope.
I know that when I am depressed, the future is completely hopeless. I just can’t imagine ever being happy again. And this only makes me sink deeper into the darkness.
What I would love for my partner to do during this time is to not try to talk me out of my depression but to offer to hold onto hope for the future for me, for us.
To acknowledge that, while I can’t see it right now, the future is a bright one for them and for us, and that they will hold onto that hope.
I love it when he does that. I can’t feel it, but if the man I love believes that I will be okay, that is something little to hold on to as I get through these difficult times.
So, there you go, how to help your partner with depression.
I know that what you and your partner are struggling with is very difficult. Good for you for seeking out help to figure out how to best manage it.
My final word of advice is that if you see your partner’s depression getting worse and that they aren’t willing to do something about it, reach out for help. Perhaps talk to their doctor, or reach out to mental health lines for resources to support your person.
You might even consider telling your person that you see that they are getting worse and to ask them to let you help them.
Whatever you can do to, if your partner isn’t getting better, help them work through this dark time and get out the other side.
You can do it!
