Learning how to accept that he doesn’t want you might be one of the hardest things you ever have to do.
You love him and, in spite of you knowing that something just isn’t right, you refuse to accept the fact that your relationship might be over.
And I get it. Who wants to let go of someone they love?
It is important, however, for you to work to accept that he doesn’t want you so that you can finally let go and move forward.
Here are 5 ways to do so.
#1 – Look for red flags.
Ah yes. Red flags. We all hate red flags, don’t we?
Why? Because red flags are those things that we are ignoring in an attempt to save our relationship.
I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who, I believed, always had one foot out the door. He would tell her he was coming over and then he would show up 4 hours late or not at all. When he did come over, he just wanted to have sex. He didn’t ask about her day or take her out on dates.
All of these things she justified some way or another. And none of these things did she tell me about until after they finally broke up, so I knew that she knew that those things were not ok.
Our guys might tell us they want to be with us but it’s important that you look at their actions as well. If you sense that anything is off, pay attention, don’t explain it away.
If you do recognize those red flags, it might just help you accept that he doesn’t want you.
#2 – Talk to your friends.
Think about that time you were sitting with your friend and she was telling you some god-awful story about a guy she was seeing. The stories were truly horrible and all you could think was ‘Why is she still with this guy. It’s so clear that he is blowing her off?” And when you tried to point it out, she was full of excuses for his behavior.
Well, right now you are that person, the one sitting with a friend, telling the stories. And your friend is the one there, rolling her eyes, telling you to walk away, fast.
LISTEN TO THEM! Most often, our friends have only our best interests in mind and I guarantee that they see things more clearly than you do right now.
We have friends for a reason – helping us see clearly is one of them!
#3 – Listen to his words.
My client whose boyfriend didn’t show up on time, or ever, was always telling her that he wasn’t ready to be in a relationship, that he had to work on his sobriety and get his shit together. She believed that if she could just love him enough, take good enough care of him, that he would see that he did want to be with her and they would live happily ever after.
And, while he was always telling her he didn’t want a relationship, he was happy letting her cook him dinner, drive him to work, have sex with him, whatever he needed. And she was happy to do it because she wanted him to love her.
If your guy is letting you do all of these wonderful things for him but is still telling you that he doesn’t want to be in a relationship, listen to him. I know that he sending you mixed messages but I can promise you that the one about not being in a relationship is the one that is real.
So, listen to him. It might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn’t want you.
#4 – Write things down.
After my client finally let go of her boyfriend, she started telling me what things had really been like in the relationship. That he wasn’t showing up, was treating her badly when he did and how he told her, over and over, that he didn’t want to be in a relationship.
In spite of all of those things, she still couldn’t accept that he didn’t want her because she looked at each issue individually, not as a group. She didn’t see the systemic patterns that indicated that he didn’t want to be with her.
I had her start writing down the things that he did to her as she remembered them. A lot of them, her mind had pushed way down deep because of her denial but they popped up when she dug for them.
Within the first day, she had a list a full page long. Over the next week it became even longer. When she saw all the things that he had done listed in front of her, it was way easier for her to see that he had been treating her badly and sending her signals for a long time that he didn’t want to truly be with her and that she was the only one trying to make it work.
So, take stock of the words and deeds that your guy is saying and doing that don’t make you feel so good. If you see them all together then it might make it easier for you to accept that he doesn’t want you.
#5 – Move the #*#& on.
I know it’s hard, hearing me tell you that it’s time to move on.
You have been working for months, or years, to make this relationship work and now I am telling you that it’s time to give up. Ugh.
I have a client who was enmeshed with a narcissistic alcoholic for 10 years. She could not let him go and accept that he didn’t want her. I encouraged her to date and eventually she did.
And it helped so much!
What getting back out there did for her was to remind her that she is beautiful, that there are men who want her, to remember what it felt like to be wooed and appreciated. And, eventually, she did meet a guy who wanted to be with her and treated her like a queen and they are now living happily after.
So, stop sitting around, mooning over someone who doesn’t want you. Put on some high heels, or sneakers, and get back out there. There a million guys out there who would be lucky to have you.
I know that working to accept that he doesn’t want you is not an easy thing.
I know that you so wanted this relationship to work and letting go is killing you.
But, if you can be honest with yourself, recognize the red flags and listen to his words you will get closer to accepting what has happened. And, once you put yourself back out there, you won’t look back, only forward!
You can do this! I promise!