How to Rebuild Life After Divorce: 11 Tips from Someone Who Has Been There
First and foremost, I want to empathize with you that you have to be reading this article. I am sure that, even if this divorce was the right thing to do, you never want to have one. We all go into marriage so hopeful and it’s horrible when those hopes are dashed.
Now that I have said that, it’s time to talk about how to move on. And you can move on. I promise! I have been there.
Let me share with you 11 tips to help you rebuild your life after divorce, things that I learned when I went through it myself and found the life that I had always dreamed of!
#1 – Stand up for yourself.
The first thing that you must do to help you rebuild your life after your divorce happens before you get divorced. It is essential that, as you go through the divorce process, you do the best that you can do to make sure that you will have some financial security going forward.
Most states make sure that property is divided 50/50 but sometimes it doesn’t quite work out that way. And that is ok, but make sure that you get what you need to be able to rebuild your life.
Make sure that you know what you need to live comfortably. If you don’t know what you need, how can you get it?
Make sure that, if negotiations are getting tiresome, you don’t give up. Many people just agree to whatever because they want to divorce process to end. DON’T do this. The last mile is the longest but you can do it!
Make sure that, in the future looking back, you know that you handled yourself with integrity. Divorces are hard and coming out of it feeling bad about yourself won’t help you move on.
I know that this divorce process is long and hard but making sure that you get what you need will help with rebuilding your life going forward.
#2 – Reframe your narrative.
My ex-husband left me for his college girlfriend and I was devasted. For many years, whenever my divorce came up, I told people the truth about what happened. I was angry and I wanted sympathy and that was my narrative.
And then a friend reminded me that I had been miserable in my marriage for a long time and I hadn’t had the guts to move on. The way my ex left sucked but the reality was he did a good thing for us. Our marriage was only sucking us both down. She suggested that, instead of making myself into the victim, I portray myself as a victor, someone who came out of a dying marriage intact and who was rebuilding the life that I wanted.
Reframing my narrative, not seeing myself as a victim, made all the difference in setting the stage for rebuilding my life after my divorce.
#3 – Don’t expect to just bounce back.
I have a client who, after he found out his wife had cheated on him, kicked her out and, within weeks, filed for and got his divorce. He told me that he was one of those people that, when someone wrong them, they are dead to them and that he was moving on.
I knew better.
I know that you want to move on. That you want to let go of the pain and the anger and the disappointment and whatever else it is that you are feeling. And you will. It just won’t happen right now.
For my client, he did not just move on. In spite of the fact that they were divorced, the pain and acrimony continued, for months. He so wanted to stop feeling the way he was feeling but the feelings were still strong and he couldn’t control them.
I know that this might feel disheartening but I can promise you that you will bounce back. Everyone does. It just might take a little bit longer than you might had hoped for!
#4 – Rearrange your space.
If you are still in the home that you shared with your ex, I am guessing that it feels like it is full of the ghosts of your marriage, the good times and the bad. And I am sure that you would like to get rid of those ghosts ASAP.
One of my clients rearranged her home in a big way after her divorce. She took all of the furniture and knick-knacks in her bedroom (throwing or packing away things that caused her mixed feelings) and moved them to the TV room. She then took the TV room stuff and put it in her old bedroom. She told me that doing this switching helped her start to rebuild her life in a big way.
Can you switch up your space? Get rid of things that have bad memories and create a space for yourself where you feel safe? If yes, do it. It could make all the difference.
#5 – Take care of yourself.
I know. This is an obvious one but one we often ignore.
Yes, I know that you are devasted and that eating ice cream on the couch in front of the TV is way more appealing than getting out there and going for a walk. I get it!
But, do everything in your power to get off the couch – at least long enough to take that walk.
If you stop taking care of yourself during this period of transition, it will only hold you back from healing. It is important to get enough sleep (try these tips to help), to eat well and get some exercise. I am not saying join a gym – just make sure that you get your heart rate up every day. I promise you that the dopamine that you get from the exercise will help tremendously with managing your feelings.
As for me, in the months after my divorce, I got a massage once a week. It felt so good to be touched and to have someone take care of me. What would make you feel good?
#6 – Find new friends.
Soon after my husband asked me for a divorce, I met a woman who changed my life. We were both realtors and crossed paths during a house showing. We liked each other and made a plan to go for a walk together. It turned out that she was divorced and newly remarried and that she was a few years ahead of me with rebuilding her life. She helped me understand what I needed to move forward (to make sure that I had all my stuff around me and to stand up for myself financially during the divorce) and inspired me with her happy new marriage.
I met another woman at the pet store and became fast friends. We went thrifting together and drank manhattans and generally had fun. She was someone who I never would have met if I hadn’t been looking for friends.
I know that making new friends can be challenging but pick your head up and look around. There are lots of women out there who are looking for new friends too!
#7- Spend time with loved ones.
Chances are good that, after your divorce, you are feeling pretty bad about yourself. Divorces are hard and can destroy one’s confidence and self-esteem.
If there are any people out there who can help you rebuild your self-esteem it’s your loved ones. The ones who have always been there for you, who know who you are, who know what you need when you are sad, who will remind you, over and over, that you are amazing and that you are going to be okay.
So, instead of isolating yourself, pick up the phone and reach out to someone who loves you. You will be glad you did!
#8 – Don’t jump right into a new relationship.
I know – you are probably feeling pretty lonely right now and just want to get on with your life and, ideally, with a partner. And I get it! BUT, now is not the time.
Now is the time for you to take a good hard look at what happened in your marriage and what you need to do differently next time. If don’t have a clear understanding of what those things are, you will find that you make the same old mistakes. (Over 60% of second marriages fail for just this reason).
If you absolutely must get back out there, dating wise, I would encourage you to go on dates but not get into a relationship. To refamiliarize yourself with dating and flirting and disappointment. That way, when you are ready to get into a relationship again, you will have been in training and will be a better dater and partner.
#9 – Do things that you have always wanted to do.
When we are married we tend to get into ruts. I know that my married life involved chores and meals and yoga and binge-watching TV. And those things were okay and I never really thought about doing anything else.
When I got divorced, I suddenly had the space to do anything that I wanted to do (mostly). So, I thought about what I wanted to do and I did it! Since my divorce I have hiked in Peru, slept at the bottom of the grand canyon, moved to NYC, taking my kids to Europe, started a business and gotten married.
I wouldn’t have done any of those things if I had stayed married and part of rebuilding my life after my divorce was doing things that made my heart sing!
#10- Get help with managing your feelings.
I know. You are tough. You don’t need help. But, let me tell you – you do.
Chances are that you have never been through a divorce before and therefore have no experience with how to do it. Having someone help you navigate this period of your life is essential if you want to cope with divorce emotionally
I know that when I was recovering, I was plagued with feelings of guilt. Guilt for the things that I did and didn’t do in my marriage. Guilt about breaking up my family. I also felt bad about myself because my husband left me. And the loneliness was at times overwhelming.
I found myself a life coach who helped with letting go of toxic relationships (which inspired me to start this business) and they helped me process those emotions so that I could move on.
Get some help! It doesn’t have to be forever – just for now while you heal.
#11 – Know you will find love again.
I know that it doesn’t feel like you will ever love or be loved again. The rug has been pulled out from under your life and you are feeling incredibly damaged as a result.
But I can promise you that you will find love again. There are many people out there, just like you, how are dealing with heartbreak but who are also looking to find love. Just be patient. Your person is out there. I promise!
I know that it might seem impossible right now but it is possible to rebuild your life after your divorce.
The prospect is daunting, I know, but if you can take the tips that I recommend, you will find yourself on the pathway to healing quicker than you will from the couch.
You can do it!
