5 Ways to Trust Your Decision to Break Up With Someone

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you are in the tortured position of knowing that you really should break up with someone but that you are doubting yourself as to whether you are doing the right thing.

No worries! We have all been there.

When you’re stuck making a tough decision, like whether or not to break up with someone, the real issue often isn’t the choice itself – it’s trusting yourself to handle the outcome. Self-trust isn’t about being right or wrong – its about knowing that, now matter what, you will successfully navigate whatever happens next.

If you’re constantly second-guessing yourself or seeking advice from others, it could be a sign that fear, overthinking, or self-criticism are holding you back. Fortunately, there are ways to rebuild self-trust and be able to make that really difficult decision and stick to it! By learning to recognize what is holding you back, shifting your inner dialogue, trusting your instincts and acting from love not fear, you will learn to stand firm in your decision that a relationship is over and move forward with confidence.

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#1 – Recognize What Is Holding You Back

Before you can build stronger self-trust, it’s essential to recognize what’s breaking it down. There are four main culprits that feed into cycles of doubt and indecision around break ups, often working together to chip away at your confidence: fear, over thinking, self criticism and low self esteem.

Fear and Overthinking Create Doubt

Fear plays a huge role in self-doubt around a decision to break up. When faced with the idea of leaving a relationship, the fear of making a mistake can leave you paralyzed, making you believe that one wrong choice would destroy your life. ^[8][7] Then there’s the fear of rejection, which taps into our deep-seated need to belong. Your mind tells you that making this choice might lead to rejection by your peers, or potential future partners. ^[8] Add in the fear of judgment, and you might find yourself holding back because you are worried how your soon to be ex will feel about you. ^[8][5]

Dr. Sabrina Romanoff, a clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University, puts it plainly:

“Your decisions have consequences, so building trust in them is important. Although seeking perspective and advice from others can help, others are not qualified to make decisions that affect you, and they don’t have to live with the outcomes.” ^[7]

Overthinking only makes these fears worse. Overthinking tricks you into believing analyzing every possible angle, preparing for every scenario is essential – but, in reality, it’s just an illusion of control. ^[9][10] What constant over-analysis really does is send the message that your instincts can’t be trusted, which, in turn, erodes self-confidence. ^[11] In fact, about 25% of people create plans they never act on because overthinking drains their ability to follow through. And overthinking isn’t good for us, physically, as it can lead to issues such as memory problems, heart conditions, and diabetes.^[7] Being physically unwell certainly won’t make trusting a decision around a break up any easier.

Self-Criticism Erodes Confidence

While fear and overthinking can destroy self-trust, they aren’t the only culprits. It is the inner critic often delivers the final blow. If we are constantly telling ourselves that we are losers because we can’t make, or stick to, a decision to break up with someone, it only serves to reinforce the belief that our ideas don’t matter. If we don’t have confidence in our own decisions, it will be easier for others (like your soon-to-be-ex) to dismiss them. ^[6][8]

The key to dealing with self-criticism is by having self compassion, by embracing that we are human-being with flaws. We make mistakes. If every decision feels like a high-stakes test of right versus wrong, we can get blinded to this perspective, leaving us stuck in a loop of second-guessing, which only further serves to drain self-confidence. ^[8]

Broken Promises Lead to Low Self Esteem

On top of fear and self-criticism, the blow to our self-esteem when we fail to keep promises to ourselves weakens self-trust even further. Just like in relationships with others, trust in yourself grows when you consistently follow through on your commitments. ^[12] Each broken promise to yourself, each time you try to break up with your person and you fail, sends the message to your self-esteem that your word doesn’t matter. ^[6] Over time, this creates a cycle where past break ups become “proof” that you’re unreliable, crushing your motivation and self-belief. ^[13][6]

There’s a key difference between wishes, intentions, and promises. Wishes require no action, intentions are flexible, but promises demand follow-through. Ignoring them undermines self-trust. ^[12] When you treat your promises lightly, you teach yourself that your commitments aren’t worth honoring.

As one certified health coach explains beautifully:

“Self-trust is the invisible superpower that makes all other things easier.” ^[12]

Fear Based Decision Making Can Be Paralyzing

When making big decisions around a break up, the question often boils down to this: Are you acting out of fear or love?

Fear-based choices are about avoiding pain, rejection, or failure. On the other hand, love-based decisions aim for growth, alignment with your values, and genuine happiness.

Recognizing the difference between these motivations can transform how you approach your decision to break up with someone. Physically, fear often feels like urgency or pressure – think sweaty palms, a racing heart, or tense muscles. Love, however, come with a sense of calm certainty, like an inner voice gently guiding you. While choosing love might feel risky, it often leads to greater clarity and fulfillment, whereas fear-based choices can leave you with regret.

Understanding the difference between these two approaches is essential to decision making.

If you’re trying to shift from fear to love in your choices, instead of telling yourself, “If I do this, I won’t ever love or be loved again,” ask yourself “Will I regret not taking following through on this break up later?” If the answer to the question is yes, that’s your intuition nudging you toward a love-based decision. Another helpful question is, “What would I choose if I weren’t worried about judgment – from others or myself?”  These questions help you cut through doubt and focus on what truly matters.

#2 – Shift Your Inner Dialogue

Once you’ve identified what undermines your self-trust, the next step is to rebuild it through consistent, intentional actions. These small daily practices can help you reinforce your reliability and make self-trust a natural part of your routine. And if you trust yourself, following through on that break up will be much easier.

The key to this is to have self-compassion. The way you speak to yourself matters. Replace that harsh inner critic with a voice that’s kinder and more understanding. When you make a mistake, pause and ask yourself, “What would I say to a friend in this situation?” This shift can help you approach yourself with more grace.

Self compassion means acknowledging your missteps without spiraling into self-blame. Simple habits like mirror affirmations (isn’t that a great term?) – telling yourself “I am enough” – can help. Keeping a nightly gratitude journal where you jot down one or two things you did well or appreciate about yourself is another way to nurture this practice. Remember, mistakes don’t define you; they’re part of being human, something we all share.

As Rhonda Britten, Founder of Fearless Living, wisely states:

“Give yourself a break, but don’t let yourself off the hook.” – Rhonda Britten, Founder of Fearless Living ^[1]

#3 – Reconnect with Your Gut Feelings and Values

Your gut instincts aren’t random – they’re a form of unconscious intelligence built from years of experience, subtle environmental cues, and emotional patterns. Karl Friston, MBBS, Professor of Neuroscience at University College London, explains:

“Gut feelings can be an important source of evidence, in the same way that we use our eyes or our ears to gather evidence, to build beliefs about the state of affairs so that we can make the right kinds of decisions.” – Karl Friston, MBBS, Professor of Neuroscience at University College London ^[2]

When considering breaking up with someone, tune in to your body. A tight chest might signal discomfort or danger that what you are doing is wrong, while a sinking stomach could indicate misalignment. On the flip side, relaxed shoulders might mean you’re on the right track. To strengthen this connection, try creating a list of activities or experiences that bring you genuine happiness, like enjoying a quiet morning or receiving recognition for your efforts. Spend 5 to 15 minutes daily meditating or journaling to process emotions and recognize what your inner voice is telling you. In everyday situations, ask yourself, “Is this what I really want?” Over time, these small moments of reflection can help you take action and move on from a relationship.

#4 – Practice Keeping Daily Promises

Self-trust grows when you consistently follow through on small commitments. Begin with tiny, manageable promises – like drinking a glass of water at the start of your day, writing a single sentence in your journal, or taking a 10-minute walk. Dawn Mariotti, Mindset, Life, and Health Coach, explains:

“When you become someone who keeps promises to yourself – that’s where the shift happens. Not because you’ve mastered some fancy process, but because you’ve started living in integrity with the person you’re becoming.” – Dawn Mariotti, Mindset, Life, and Health Coach ^[15]

Make these promises SMART: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely. For instance, instead of vaguely saying, “I’ll exercise more,” try, “I’ll walk for 10 minutes at 7:00 AM on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday.” If overthinking gets in your way, write down your worries to distinguish irrational fears from real concerns. Getting thoughts out of your head and onto paper can help you manage those pesky, self sabotaging thoughts. Each time you follow through, you reinforce your self-reliance.

Karen Barnes, Author and Coach, sums this up perfectly:

“Self-trust is the lived knowing that you can depend on yourself. That you’ll show up, even when things feel uncertain.” – Karen Barnes, Author and Coach ^[4]

Speak up for what you need, and don’t hesitate to say “no” when it’s necessary to honor your commitments. Celebrate every small victory when you keep your word – these moments are the building blocks of lasting self-trust.

#5 – Ask for Help

Sometimes, when you’re at a major crossroads, these steps aren’t enough to guide you through. That’s when seeking external, professional help can make all the difference in building self-trust.

Facing big decisions can leave you stuck in a cycle of doubt and endless “what ifs.” If that’s where you find yourself, working with a professional might be the key to breaking free. Coaches, in particular, can help shift your focus away from external pressures – like worrying about how others might react – and bring it back to what you truly want.

A coach (like ME) can provide tailored strategies to help you clarify your next steps. They can help you identify your priorities and offer structured guidance that goes beyond what daily practices can achieve. Coaches also assist in challenging limiting beliefs – like “I’m not ready” – and replacing them with thoughts that encourage action. ^[17] The goal is to help you take back control of your decisions while reducing the need for constant outside validation. ^[19] Coaching builds on the self-reliance you’ve started developing, offering a deeper level of support to strengthen your journey.

Building self-trust when it comes to break ups isn’t about striving for perfection – it’s about showing yourself that you can can do anything you set your mind too.

The key is to use effective strategies that focus on taking action rather than just setting intentions. Instead of wondering over and over if you should break up with someone, set an intention to do it. Pay attention to how your body reacts. Ask yourself what is holding you back. Forgive yourself for having a hard time making the decision and following through. And then commit to doing it, within a certain time frame.

You know what you want to do. Your hesitation to follow through with the break up is not unusual. Trusting ourselves in any decision can be challenging but you can do it!

“If you’re going to trust one person, let it be yourself.” – Robert Tew, Author ^[20]

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How I can help you work through this decision?

I offer personalized coaching to help you shift from a lack of confidence in your decision to break up with someone to knowing how to follow through.

“I can help you… by creating, together, a personalized plan to get you the life, and love, you have always dreamed of!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach, Let Your Dreams Begin ^[16]

We start with a free initial coaching session so you can see how even one conversation can bring clarity and confidence. ^[16] For those worried about recovering from heartbreak, my 4-week course “4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On” offers daily exercises, emotional tools, and self-discovery activities that help you move forward.^[16] Additionally, my free e-book, “Why Break Ups Are So Painful,” available for download, dives into emotional triggers and offers insights to help you start healing. ^[16]

The coaching, the course and the ebook are all resources designed to help you rebuild your self-trust step by step. I can support you learning how to take small, meaningful actions that lead to big changes, to break up with someone who is not your person and move on and find the love you seek!

Reach out to me now!

Mitzi Bockmann