Why You Should Consider Letting Go Of Someone You Love For Their Own Good

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Are you in a complicated relationship? Are you wondering if it ‘ s a healthy one? Are you thinking that maybe letting go of someone you love for their own good is the way to go?

I get it. This is a complicated question and one worth some serious consideration before taking action.

I believe that are three reasons to even consider letting go of someone you love for their own good. I will address each of them here and reasons that you might consider letting them go.

#1 – Their baggage is hurting the relationship.

Are you madly in love with a person who is very damaged. Someone who has baggage from past relationships, who struggles with family issues, who has issues with anger or insecurity, who has substance abuse issues etc? Someone who is hard to be with because of their damage.

Many of us stay with people, even if they aren ‘ t making us happy, or even if they are making us miserable, because they have issues that we believe that we can fix. We believe that they can ‘ t possibly get better if we don ‘ t stand by their side.

And those are admirable thoughts and I understand they come from a place of love, but really, if you love them, you should consider letting them go for their own good.

Many of us who stick around because we think we can fix our person, or that they need us, are, in fact, enabling the damaging behavior. We tend to overcompensate for their damage – perhaps justifying their drinking or molding ourselves to be someone different from who we are so as not to trigger them about lost loves. Who tiptoes around to prevent an angry outburst.

These things are understandable and I know you feel supportive but they aren ‘ t helping your person get any better. In fact, they could be making them worse.

If you can find the strength to let your damaged person go, if you can tell them that you love them and that you want to help them and support them but that all you are seeing is them getting worse and your relationship getting more unhealthy, you can actually give your person a chance to get better.

If you let your person go and they find that they aren’t only alone but that they aren ‘ t in a relationship where someone is overcompensating for their issues, people are way more likely to get help.

I know you are worried that if you let them go, they will get fixed and find someone else and live happily ever after. And that might happen. But I can promise you that, if you hold onto them, hoping they will get fixed and you will live happily ever after, you won ‘ t. You will just be miserable.

So, if your person is struggling in a way that is hurting your relationship, consider letting them go for their own good. So that they have a chance to be healthy and happy. And you do too.

#2 – You don ‘ t love them the way you should.

I remember when I was married and I was unhappy, I used to think about letting go of my husband so that he could find someone who made him truly happy. But I still did love him, even if we were struggling, and the thought of him being with someone else made me sick to my stomach.

So, for selfish reasons, I held on and we were both miserable.

If you love someone, but know that you don ‘ t love them enough, let them go. Let them have the opportunity to be happy, to find true love, to not live a life that isn ‘ t as full as they deserve.

I know that it ‘ s scary, and I know that you are worried that if you let go of this person you might never find love again. And I get it. But I can promise you that if you don ‘ t let go of this person who you just don ‘ t love the way you should, then you are doomed to years of misery.

And I can also promise you that if you do let them go, you will find someone else to love.

So, if you look at this person you are with and feel love for them, but not enough, let them go. Give you both a chance for happiness.

I know that after we divorced, both my ex and I were lucky enough to find our soul mates and we are both living happy lives. I still remember that feeling in my gut but I am glad that things turned out the way they did.

#3 – You are yo-yoing.

Are you in a relationship with someone who you love but aren ‘ t sure you want to be with?

Perhaps you aren ‘ t happy with how they treat you or you are feeling restless or you find yourself wanting to spend more time with your friends.

Perhaps, because of this, you tell your person that you need some time. You move out of the house, or stop calling or ghost them. You put an end to the relationship.

And then, a day or a week or a month later, you go back to them. Perhaps because you are hoping that things can be different or perhaps because you are feeling lonely or perhaps because hanging with your friends has gotten boring. Whatever the reason, you go back.

And then, after a period of time, you realize that nothing has changed, that you still don ‘ t love this person the way you want to. And you leave again.

This is called yo-yoing and it can be devastating for the person being left behind. I have many clients who are subjected to yo-yoing and I can tell you that, without exception, the yo-yoing destroys their self-esteem. They are left feeling like they aren ‘ t good enough, wondering why it is you can ‘ t love them like they love you. They try to change who they are, hoping that things will be different this time. They are tormented by what their person is doing after breaking up with them.

If you find yourself coming and going with your person, stop! Try to look outside of your own selfish needs and let them go. Let them find themselves again, to know that they are enough and to stop their torment about what you are going to do next.

If you can do this, both of you will have the chance to be happy and find love and not be stuck on this gerbil wheel of trying to make something that is broken work.

Considering letting go of someone you love for their own good is a big deal.

When we first meet and fall in love, we have so many hopes and dreams for the future. Letting go of those hopes and dreams can be devastating.

But, ultimately, letting go of someone you love for their own good, and for yours, is the best course of action.

The goal in life is to be happy. Letting go of someone you love will make that a possibility for both of you.

 

If you have made this far you must really be wondering about letting go of someone you love.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before there is any more hurt.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

Why Not Playing the Victim After Your Breakup Will Help You Heal Faster

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Be honest – are you playing the victim after your breakup?

Sure, your person has left you and you are alone, devastated, and that is a truly horrible thing. And perhaps you are convinced that your person is a horrible person to just walk out on you even though nothing was wrong. Perhaps you are telling yourself that you are the victim in all of this.

Now, I am not saying that you haven ‘ t been blindsided and hurt deeply – this is how it is at the end of a relationship. But I would argue that perhaps what you are telling yourself isn’t, in fact, true and that if you continue to play the victim in your breakup, if you continue to take no responsibility for its demise, then it will take much longer to heal.

Let me explain why ‘ ¦

#1 – You will retain your power

When my ex decided he didn ‘ t want to be married to me anymore, I was devastated. I couldn ‘ t believe that my marriage of 18 years was over. And, believe me, the instinct to curl up in a ball and give up was strong. And, to be honest, I did for a while.

And then I met a woman who had already been through a divorce and she changed my life. She told me that it was important to pick my head up and figure out how to move forward. She told me that I had to move out of our family home and bring everything that was important to me with me. She encouraged me to find a lawyer and make a plan for what I wanted my next steps to be. She encouraged me to keep talking and being honest with my kids about what was going on. And she encouraged me to love me in spite of the fact that my soon-to-be ex no longer did.

These things she taught me were the best things I ever learned. I wanted, more than anything, to just give up. Instead, I took a good look at what I wanted my life to look like and how to get it and I set out to do just that.

I found a therapist and a lawyer and, with their help, defined who I was and what I wanted the rest of my life to look like. Instead of waiting for my ex to file for divorce, I did it. I stood up for myself during our divorce negotiations and got what I needed to move forward and be safe. I spent many hours talking to my kids about what was going on to that they could understand and move forward as well.

By doing all of those things, by not lying down and letting my ex run roughshod over me, by not feeling sorry for myself that I was being abandoned, by not blaming him for everything but understanding my own part in the divorce, I was able to retain my power and get what I needed to move forward and be happy.

#2 – You will be able to make change.

When I worked with my therapist around what had happened in my marriage, I learned a lot about myself and my role it ‘ s demise.

Right after my husband left me I spent a lot of time angry at him for walking away without making an effort to fix our marriage. We had a family and history and had made vows and he had just walked away.

With time, however, I was able to see that, while I didn ‘ t walk away from our marriage, I did play a role in its demise.

I knew that I had been unhappy for a long time and hadn ‘ t expressed that unhappiness in a productive way. I had merely sulked and gone silent, hoping for change that would never come because of the lack of communication between us. I never talked to my husband about what I was feeling, instead only complaining to my friends. I took for granted that he would always be with me, no matter how I treated him.

None of these things were ok.

My ex, of course, bore half of the blame for the demise of our marriage but, playing the victim, waiting in vain for him to take responsibility for his part, was only causing me to be angrier. And then I realized – I can ‘ t change him but I can change myself.

So, I did. I set out to learn everything about myself and everything about what a healthy relationship looks like. I learned about the importance of communication and honesty and empathy and forgiveness. I learned that I wasn ‘ t so good at some (all) of those things in my marriage and that I needed to make change.

And I did.

Now I am in a healthy relationship, one in which I can practice the skills that I learned instead of playing the victim. How lucky am I?

If I had continued to play the victim, to expect him to change and to take responsibility for what happened, I never would have gotten where I am today.

#3 – You will be in control of your emotions.

When you aren ‘ t playing the victim, you maintain control not only of your emotions but also in control of how your relationship with your ex plays out.

I have a client who is constantly reaching out to her ex, via text and phone, to find out what happened in their relationship and to see what she could do to fix things. She berates him for leaving her and questions his worth as a person, all the while begging him to take her back.

At first, he engaged with her but eventually he blocked her because he just couldn ‘ t take her anger and self-pity any longer. He no longer respected her as a person and was happy to share that with all of their friends.

I have been working with my client to stop reaching out to her ex, to accept her role in the end of their relationship and to realize that begging and berating makes things worse and not better. That reaching out the way she was and being rejected, over and over, was damaging her relationship with herself and hindering her healing.

So, if you find yourself seeking reaching out to your ex, overcome with emotions and feelings of self-loathing, stop for a moment and get in touch with reality. Your relationship involved two people and its demise did too.

Hold your head up high, maintain your pride, don ‘ t debase yourself in front of him and you will feel better about yourself and heal much faster.

#4 – Finding your next person will be easier.

I don ‘ t know about you but I have been on dates where men go on and on about their exes and how horrible they were and how they had been used and abused and cast aside.

One man spent a full hour talking about how horrible is wife was and how she used to tell him that he was too judgmental and how stupid she was because of it. He actually turned to me and said ‘ ˜you have known me now for an hour, you know how non-judgmental I am. ‘

That was the only date that I almost walked out of.

My point here is that, if you are no longer playing the victim after your break up, you will not only be more confident in yourself but you will also be way more attractive to a prospective partner.

Self confidence that comes from not being a victim is very sexy but so is not spending hours talking about how you had been wronged and how broken you are because of it. Who wants to get involved with someone who is broken by someone else?

So, take back the power from your ex and recognize your role in what happened. If you can accept it then you will be in way better shape to meet someone and fall in love again.

#5 – You will win the break up.

My millennial daughter and her friends have translated this term for me – that the first person who is happy after a break up is ‘ ˜wins. ‘

With that concept in mind, let ‘ s talk about the person who is playing the victim. The person who lays on the couch eating ice cream and never showering. The person who talks to anyone who will listen to her about how she was wronged. The person who calls his ex over and over and over, begging for a second chance. The person who hates themselves for being left behind.

Do you think that you will be truly happy if this is what your life looks like? Do you think that the people around you will see you as happy? Do you think your ex will regret leaving you? I think the answers to all of those questions is no.

So, pick your head up and look ahead and not back. Be determined to not play the victim but to look forward in your life and get the happiness you seek. Don ‘ t let any ex hold you back. And picture the look on their faces when they see you, happy and beautiful, living a full life without them. You will have officially, ‘ ˜won ‘ !

Playing the victim after your breakup is not uncommon.

The brain, when the heart is suffering, will do anything to try to ease the pain. Playing the victim can help ease the pain because you believe that you are not at fault and if you can blame someone else, the pain can temporarily relieved

I believe, however, that if you continue this playing the victim after a breakup you might feel better in the short run, but in the long run you won ‘ t heal. In the long run you will be stuck on this gerbil wheel of self-pity and recriminations and you won ‘ t have a chance to live a happy life.

So, get yourself up off your couch of self-pity and take back your power. Take a good hard look at your role in the demise of your relationship and be determined to make change. Keep control of your emotions so that they don ‘ t control you and have faith that your next person is right around the corner.

Most importantly, know that letting go of playing the victim, of taking responsibility and making change will make you stronger and more confident, which will mean that you can have a truly happy life.

I know because I did and today I am happy. Truly happy.

If you have made this far you must really ‘ ¦.

Let me help you get there, NOW,

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Common Boundaries In Marriage That Are Often (And Easily) Violated

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Are you newly married and are you wondering about some common boundaries in marriage?

Do you want to be proactive and get ahead of problems before they start and do you know that setting some boundaries, some ground rules, is a key way to do this?

Good for you!

Unfortunately, many of the most common, and most effective, boundaries are often the ones most easily violated, sometimes by mistake and sometimes on purpose.

Let me help you review what are the most common boundaries in marriage, learn why they are important, see how they can be violated and understand what can be done to prevent this from happening.

#1 – The importance of time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

Think about how you feel when you go on a diet. How you can ‘ t eat ice cream for a month while you lose those 5 pounds and, man, do you miss your ice cream. It ‘ s the same thing in a relationship. Stepping away from your partner, even for a bit, makes you both notice the void that is created in his or her absence.

And then the heart grows fonder.

Unfortunately, this is one of those boundaries that are easy to violate, often times unintentionally. As a matter of habit, we tend to fall into patterns that include spending all of our time with our partner. And while that can seem great at first, over time that can create issues such as losing touch with friends and getting sick of spending time with our partner.

And being sick of spending time with your partner can be a real relationship killer.

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

#2 – Don ‘ t let one person be in charge.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when things are uneven, a marriage changes.

In many marriages, at the beginning decisions are largely shared. What to do, where to eat, where to travel, these are all decisions made by a couple together. What often happens, though, is that after the kids are born, decision making tends to fall to the primary care giver.

This doesn ‘ t happen for any reason other than efficiency – the raising of children is a chaotic job and the family usually revolves around them. Decisions need to be made quickly, on the fly sometimes, or more deliberately at other times. And, more often than not, the primary caregiver is the person present to make those decisions.

And this, while efficient, will ultimately create a power imbalance that can kill any strong marriage.

So, make an effort to keep the decision making even in the marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why. Work together to make as many decisions about the kids and your family together.

Not letting either one of you be in charge is important.

#3 – Respect each other.

One of the biggest romance killers in marriage is lack of respect and contempt. Working hard to maintain respect for your partner is essential.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many committed relationships. As time goes on, personalities can clash and unsettled issues can simmer. As a result, partners can lose respect for each other. How can you be in a happy marriage when you don ‘ t respect your partner?

Unfortunately, it is easy to fall into the trap of losing respect for each other. You can keep yourself out of the trap by speaking to each other honestly and sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

When I was married, I talked to my friends WAY more about the problems in my marriage than I did to my husband. This didn ‘ t do our relationship any good because we weren ‘ t communicating and giving our relationship a chance to improve. And when we were together I treated my husband with contempt because I no longer respected him.

I am no longer married.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Be your own person always.

One of the most important common boundaries in marriage is always staying true to yourself, no matter what.

So many people, when they get married, become less of themselves.

They take on their partner ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that everyone stay themselves when in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your relationship will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And when you feel good about yourself your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

Unfortunately, staying ourselves in a relationship can be difficult. Marriage is hard and long and it ‘ s hard not to evolve in such a way that mirrors our partner.

In order to maintain connection, one person might take up golf, at the expense of their favorite game of tennis, to be with her partner. Or one person may give up a career because their partner is threatened by their success.

When these things happen, marriages are tested and often fail. People can fall out of love with the changed person next to them or perhaps become sick of this person who has lost themselves completely.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy relationship requires it.

#5 – Be forgiving.

One of the most important, and common, boundaries in marriage is the importance of being forgiving.

Everyone is human and everyone makes mistakes. Over the course of a marriage, there can be many, many mistakes. And if those mistakes are left to fester, a marriage can be destroyed.

It is important that people learn how to forgive in relationships. This doesn ‘ t mean to forget but to work to understand why your partner did what they did and to learn to accept it and move on. To not let the transgression fester, to not be dealt with.

Unfortunately, being able to forgive in a marriage can be very difficult, hence the very high divorce rate in America.

More often than not, when one person betrays another, in ways large or small, the betrayal is not properly dealt with. The betrayee doesn ‘ t adequately expressed their dismay and/or the betrayer doesn ‘ t sufficiently take responsibility for their actions. Instead, the transgression gets added to the bank of resentment that exists on both side of the relationship, creating an imbalance between contempt and love. This can often lead to divorce.

So, if your partner has betrayed you, work hard to forgive them. Talk with them openly about how you feel and give them the opportunity to apologize and take responsibility for the hurt they have caused you. Give yourself the opportunity to forgive them so that you can both move on and be happy!

There are many common boundaries in marriage that, when established can proactively help you keep yours healthy.

Unfortunately, many of them are easily violated but, with some awareness and action, you can prevent those violations from happening and keep your relationship strong.

Don ‘ t ever forget the importance of spending time apart, of keeping the balance of power equal, of maintaining respect for each other, of being yourself always and working hard to forgive.

Forgetting these things, either by mistake or on purpose, can derail your marriage in a way that you might never get back.

And I know that you don ‘ t want that!

If you have made this far you must be eager to define your marriage boundaries.

Let me help you get there, NOW, before problems start to arise!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

Surviving Repeated Infidelity: Should You Stay Or Should You Go?

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Has your partner cheated on you over and over and over? Are you wondering about surviving repeated infidelity, whether it ‘ s time for you to stay in or get out of the relationship?

Whether your partner has cheated on you once or cheated on you multiple times, your pain is real and your feelings are overwhelming and asking yourself how you are going to get through this is really important.

There are a few questions that you can ask yourself to help you make the decision about whether you should stay or you should go.

#1 – Is your partner truly remorseful?

Surviving repeated infidelity and keeping your relationship intact is harder than if the infidelity is a one-time thing but there is one element that is essential as the first step to get past both kinds of affairs: remorse.

If your partner is fooling around on you over and over and over then it ‘ s important that they accept responsibility for their actions.

Do they truly show you remorse and acknowledge that what they did was wrong and how much they hurt you? Or do they try to put some (or all) of the blame back on you – that you were ignoring them or not having sex with them or some other sort of excuse that lets them off the hook?

If your partner can ‘ t or won ‘ t acknowledge their responsibility for the affair then it is very possible that it will happen again. Even if it doesn ‘ t happen again, the rest of your relationship could involve them blaming you for their actions.

So, take a good hard look at your partner. Do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and the pain they caused you? If not, perhaps it ‘ s time for you to go.

#2 – Is your partner willing to get help?

Serial infidelity is not something that happens in a void. People who fool around over and over are people who are struggling with who they are in some way.

People who have a single affair don ‘ t generally set out to have an affair. There is something missing in their marriage, maybe something they aren ‘ t even aware of. And then they meet someone, maybe at work, someone who is having the same experiences as they and they strike up a friendship. As the friendship grows, so do the feelings between the two of them. Eventually, this connection can lead to an affair.

People who cheat more than once on their partner, either one at a time or perhaps with multiple other partners, are generally people who set out to have an affair. And the reasons that they set out to have the affairs are many.

Perhaps they are feeling unhappy in their primary relationship and seek someone who understands them. Perhaps they want more sex then they are getting in their current relationship. Perhaps they need to have sex with more than one person to feel good about themselves. Perhaps they have abandonment issues that make them need to leave the person they are with so that they aren ‘ t left. Perhaps they are struggling with trust issues and don ‘ t believe that anyone could be faithful to them.

The list of reasons why someone cheats repeatedly is endless but what is important for deciding whether to stay or go is whether your person is willing to take a good hard look at why they cheat repeatedly and agree to get some help to manage it.

I do believe that relationship counseling can help move the relationship towards a resolution but I think that it ‘ s essential that the cheater gets some help to understand and deal with the source of their cheating.

So, if your person is willing to get help, then perhaps staying, at least for now, is a good idea.

#3 – Do you still like your partner?

An important question to ask about surviving repeated infidelity is whether or not you still like your person.

I have a client whose husband cheated on her. She was so very angry and we talked a lot about her anger and sense of betrayal. And then one day I asked her ‘ ˜Do you still like your husband? I know you are angry with him but do you still like him? ‘

My client didn ‘ t have a clear answer about that but we worked through it and she decided that yes, while she was angry, she still liked, and loved, her husband.

I know many partners of cheaters who do not like their person after they cheat. They feel hurt and anger and they also feel hatred. That hatred is hard to overcome no matter how much therapy a couple attends. For others, love stays in spite of the betrayal.

So, ask yourself, do you still like you partner? If not, then perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away.

#4 – Can you forgive and move on?

An essential part of surviving repeated infidelity is not about your partner but about you. Can you forgive and move on?

There are two people to forgive in the aftermath of infidelity – your partner, of course, but also yourself. Yes, yourself.

For many of us who are cheated on we are left with a tremendous amount of self-loathing. How could we have missed the signs? Why were we not good enough? Was it our body or our face or our personality or our lack of good sexual techniques that sent our partner out to find someone else? And if your partner cheated on you repeatedly, the self-loathing could be magnified.

It is important that we not only forgive our partners for their infidelity but also forgive ourselves for any perceived shortcomings that we might be holding on to.

#5 – Can you see finding a new connection?

I know that right now you are feeling angry and wondering if you could possibly ever actually connect with your partner again. Perhaps you are feeling insecure that you could never give them what they got from their lover. Perhaps you don ‘ t know if you could possibly trust them or see them in the same way again.

An important consideration as to whether you should stay or go is can you see yourself being able to form a new connection with your partner, one that might be different from the connection that you had before.

One of things that happen after affairs is that the original couple gets shattered. The bedrock that held the couple together, the love, the little inside jokes, the patterns and routines are all gone and the couple must reinvent their relationship, to make it other than what it was that opened it up to infidelity, so that it can survive.

Are you and your partner willing to do that? Do you both see a path to finding each other again? To establishing a new path so that you can grow stronger together and build a new relationship full of love and trust.

It might be difficult but, if you can do it, you might just be successful in surviving repeated infidelity.

Surviving repeated infidelity can be a big struggle, bigger even than surviving a one-time affair.

Asking yourself, and your partner, the tough questions will give you the answers you need as to whether you should stay or you should go.

Is your partner taking responsibility for their actions? Are they willing to get help to identify why they repeatedly cheat? Do you still like your partner, can you forgive and move on? Do you see a path to a new relationship? All of these things are important to take into account when figuring out what your next steps are.

This won ‘ t be easy but I can promise you that you will survive it!

 

If you have made this far you must be focused on surviving repeated infidelity.

Let me help you figure things out, NOW, so you can a decision and move foward.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things to Do Before Letting Go of Finding Love

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There comes a time in everyone ‘ s life when they are thinking about letting go of finding love.

For a long time now, they have been doing everything that they can do to find the person of their dreams – online dating, being social at parties, asking friends to set them up etc. And, even if they meet someone, that someone doesn ‘ t turn out to be the person for them.

It ‘ s exhausting, this dating game, and at times it seems hopeless. But I am here to tell you that it ‘ s not!

Before you give up, there are some things that are important to do to set yourself up for finding the love of your life. I know that they work. I tried them and, 2 years in, I am living happily ever after!

#1 – Check yourself.

An important thing to do when you are considering letting go of finding love is making sure that you are in love with yourself.

Many people seek love and affirmation from an another person. It is only through their lover ‘ s eyes that they can feel whole and happy. Only in the company of their person can they feel strong and confident and worthy of love.

Who, may I ask, needs this kind of pressure? Certainly not your person.

As a result, because we don ‘ t love and know ourselves, our relationships fail.

So, if you are afraid that you may never find true love, take some time and get to know yourself. Take a good look at who you are in the world. What your goals and values are.

Get to know the person you are outside of relationships. Is there a part of that person who might need some attention? Would understanding that part of yourself and helping that part heal feel good?

After my divorce, I worked hard on figuring out who I was. I did lots of therapy, tons of yoga and took many long walks. I volunteered at a food shelter and learned the value of purpose and giving back. I spent time alone, not always by choice, but I learned to really appreciate it.

And then, when I was ready, I started my own life-coaching business and began public speaking. I renewed my sense of purpose and my self-confidence grew exponentially. It was then that I met my guy. And because of how I felt about myself, I was able to give myself fully to love without being clingy or needy. It felt good!

I know it seems daunting, getting to know ourselves and doing the work outside of a relationship but it is, I can promise, the most important thing that you can do to ensure that you will someday find real love.

#2 – Look away.

Sometimes, an important part of finding true love is to stop looking for it. Sometimes, the dogged pursuit of something only pushes it farther away.

Do you spend all of your free time thinking about your potential partner? Do you spend hours swiping right and left and engaging in conversations that go nowhere? Do you find yourself more often than not discouraged by your journey?

If this is the case, then perhaps it ‘ s time to take a break and focus on something else. Perhaps you can dig into your work a little deeper or volunteer somewhere and make a difference. Perhaps you can train for a marathon or take that trip you have always wanted to take. Anything that would make you happy and feel fulfilled and allow you to do some of the work that I talked about above.

The benefits of giving yourself a break from dating are many. Not having that daily discouragement caused by dating can do wonders for your moods and your feelings of hopelessness. Doing things that you love can fill you up with that happiness that will allow you to attract happy people. AND, putting yourself out in the world will open you up to many new opportunities to meet other people. You never know, one of those people might be your person and you never might have met them with your eyes on your phone, swiping.

If you are considering letting go of finding love, stop looking so hard. Live your life a little.You will be glad you did.

#3 – Reassess.

Does your dating profile contain well defined specifics about what you want in a guy? Do you have criteria about height, income, location, age and marital status? Do you tend not to even consider people outside of those definitions?

How is that working out for you so far?

Allowing yourself to only consider a narrow swath of the population as a good fit for you really limits your chance at finding happiness. I know that we all have a ‘ ˜type ‘ but that ‘ ˜type ‘ hasn ‘ t necessarily worked for us so far so perhaps it ‘ s time to find another ‘ ˜type. ‘

I know that if I had met my guy on a dating site I would have swiped right past him. He was separated, living in NH, 5 years older than me and he had a mustache!! Never in a million years would I have gone out with him. Luckily, I met him IRL and connected with him immediately.

So, take a good hard look at your criteria and see where you might be able to broaden things. Give some people a chance who you might not have previously done so. Do things differently and things might end up differently.

#4 – Look back.

Another very important thing to do before letting go of finding love is to take a good hard look at what has happened in our previous relationships. By doing so, we can get a good sense of what we want and what we don ‘ t want in our next one. We can define what went wrong and figure out how to do things differently.

I know that a big thing for me is to have a guy who does what he says he will do. I know that ‘ s not always possible but I want not doing it to be the exception and not the rule.

It took me 20 years of marriage and 5 years of post-divorce dating to figure this out. And once I was able to figure it out I was able to ask for what I wanted – to have my guy follow up on what he said he would do.

There were other things that were important to me, like reasonable alcohol consumption, a good relationship with family and similar values, and being able to identify those allows me to look out for them when I was dating. More importantly, knowing these things allows me to see the red flags when they popped up before I got too attached.

So, take some time and revisit what has happened in your past relationships so that you can learn from your mistakes and not make them again. Doing so will help you find the true love that you have always sought.

#5 – Believe.

A key part of finding true love, even if you are afraid that you will never do so, is to believe that you will.

I know that it ‘ s easier said than done but if you don ‘ t believe, if you give up and are lonely and bitter, then your being alone might be a self-fulfilling prophecy. I believe that only if you have faith that something will happen does it happen.

A few years back, when I was feeling as lost as you might be right now, I created a love dream for myself. I wrote a few paragraphs about what I wanted my love future to be. It involved my love for myself, the way my man made me feel and what our life looked like.

I kept that love dream somewhere where I could read it often and I did. Reading and rereading it gave me hope, even in dark times.

I found that love dream a few months ago, tucked away in a pile of papers. Literally everything that I had envisioned for myself 5 years ago has come true. So, don ‘ t give up. Believe that your love is out there. I know they are.

If you are thinking about letting go of finding love, I am here to tell you that there are things that you can do to make sure that you do live happily ever after.

First and foremost, take a step back if you need to and get to know and love yourself. Make sure that you know who and what you want in a relationship because it ‘ s hard to find things if you don ‘ t know what you are looking for. And, most importantly, don ‘ t give up. Love is out there for you – just you wait!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of finding love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before your give up.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

8 Things To Try When Feeling Depressed And Lonely

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You know those days when you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely?

Those days when you are full of despair and feeling hopeless? Those days where it feels like you just want to crawl into bed and never get out?

Are you having one of those days today?

Let me help you manage the depression and loneliness. It IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

#1 – Assess the situation.

There are two kinds of depression, situational and chemical. They have similar symptoms but different causes. Knowing what kind of depression you have is the first step to dealing with it.

Situational depression is caused by something that happens in your life. When something big happens that makes you sad, like the death of a parent or a divorce or the loss of a job, you can become situationally depressed. This kind of depression usually has a beginning, caused by a specific event, and an end, and is often treated differently from chemical depression.

Chemical depression is the result your brain chemistry being off in such a way that leads to depression. You are most often born with chemical depression but it can also by caused by a traumatic life event.

Chemical depression can happen to youeven if your life is going great.

So, ask yourself some questions about what your life looks like these days to help you figure out what kind of depression you might have. If you think you have situational depression, read on.

If you think you have chemical depressionhere is an article for you to read to learn more about next steps.

#2 – Do things that make you feel good.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed all of the time, our inclination is to collapse into our life. We stay in bed, we don ‘ t shower or eat well and cut off contact with those we love.

Let me tell you: if you are feeling depressed and lonely, collapsing is absolutely the worst thing that you can do. Instead it is important to do things that make you feel good.

For me, I keep a list of things to do when I am feeling depressed. First off: take a long, hard walk (the endorphins are great for my depression). Also, do yoga. Watch The Walking Dead. Take a bath. Go to the movies. Have sex. Eat Pad Thai. When I am depressed I do one, or all, of those things and my depression is often lifted.

So, what makes you happy? Write out a list, when you aren ‘ t depressed, of what makes you happy so that when you are depressed you are ready.

#3 – Manage your thoughts.

Unfortunately, when you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely, our worst enemy is that brain of ours.

While we are lying on the couch feeling sorry for ourselves, our brain is actively buying into it all. You are a loser, it says. You have no friends. You aren ‘ t good at anything. You will never find love. You suck at your job. And on and on.

And, chances are, that none of those things are true. That you are not a loser, you have plenty of friends, you are talented, love is out there and your boss thinks you are doing great. But your brain, when you are depressed, just doesn ‘ t go there.

It is really important, when you ‘ re feeling depressed, to keep your brain busy. Yoga is a really good way to do this – you are so busy trying to figure out the damn pose that you don ‘ t have a chance to think about anything. It also has the side benefit of toning your body and making you feel strong, which can be helpful.

Other options for keeping your mind quiet are: reading, going to a movie, hanging out with friends, working. Meditation is also an option but I just get more depressed when I try, and fail, to meditate. If you can do it, go for it!

What do you like to do that will help you quiet that mind of yours, the mind that is feeding into those feelings that are bringing you down? Figure it out and do it!

#4- Go for a walk.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two bird with one stone. Or rather three!

Walking encourages deep breathing which calms you down quickly.Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

Furthermore, the dopamine that your body creates with the motion of exercise works to help alleviate your depression instantly.

So, get outside and get your heart rate up. It ‘ s a great way to manage feeling depressed and lonely.

#5 – Share your feelings.

Sharing your depression and loneliness with another person is a key part of dealing with it.

They say that what is kept inside the head is 4x more intense than what is spoken. Also, if you share your depression you might learn something that will help you manage it. We all have things that work for us and sharing them with others can be very helpful.

If you have someone you can talk with about your depression and loneliness then absolutely do it. Be it a therapist, a life coach, a friend or a partner, let those overwhelming thoughts out of your head and into the world.

From there your thoughts have a reduced power and are easier to deal with.

#6 – Write it out.

Do you journal? Or write letters to yourself? Or scribble notes on post-its? If you do, great! If you don ‘ t, it could be time to start.

Writing about things that are overwhelming you can be useful, both for your depression and your loneliness, especially if you don ‘ t have someone with whom to share your sadness. Much like speaking, writing allows you to get your sadness out of your head and onto paper.

And when you can see your feelings on a piece of paper in front of you, instead of having it rolling around in your brain, it ‘ s much easier to manage.

#7 – Find a friend.

I know. When you are feeling depressed and lonely one of the hardest things to do, ironically, is to get out of the house and spend time with people. Spending time with those who love you can lift your depression and loneliness big time, if only for a bit.

If the prospect of hanging with a group of friends is daunting, choose one friend. Perhaps the one who knows you best and can accept where you are right now emotionally. A friend who will put no pressure on you to ‘ ˜get over it ‘ or ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ A friend who will laugh with you and be silly but who won ‘ t try to fix you.

So, pick up that phone right now and reach out to that person. Make a date and do it! I promise you that that time spent will help you when you are feeling depressed and lonely.

#8 – Talk to your doctor.

If everything else fails and still you find yourself feeling depressed and lonely all of the time, then it ‘ s time to call your primary care doctor.

Feeling consistently depressed and lonely might indicate some serious health problems and getting a complete check-up from your doctor could be really important.

Your doctor can take a look at all aspects of your life and help you come up with a plan for managing your depression and loneliness so that they don ‘ t get worse. Which they will do if they are left untreated and allowed to persist.

Remember, your doctor won ‘ t judge. There are lots of people who feel just like you do every day and that ‘ s what doctors are there for – to help us all.

If you ‘ re feeling depressed and lonely all of the time it ‘ s important that you do something about it and do something about it now!

Do a quick assessment of your life and try to figure out what kind of depression you might have. Take care of yourself, make yourself happy, keep your brain busy, spend time with one friend and, if necessary, see your doctor.

Depression can go away on its own if properly managed but will get worse if left untreated. So, try the things that I recommended above but always pay attention to how you are doing. If you are getting worse and not better, get help!

You can do it!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with feeling depressed and lonely.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

5 Reasons Why Letting Go Of A Past Love Is Crucial To Your Happiness

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Is there anything harder to do than letting go of a past love?

Do the memories of the happiness you felt in that relationship keep you from moving on with your life and being happy?

If your answer is yes, then you are like many people in the world, people who are crippled by their broken heart and unable to get past it.

I believe that letting go of a past love is crucial to your happiness here and now as well as your chances of being happy in the future.

#1 – Your sadness is holding you back.

One thing about sadness and depression is that it holds you back from living fully.

Do you find that you would rather stay home, feeling sad, waiting hopefully to hear from your person? Do your friends find you tiresome to be with because all you can do is talk about your ex and so they no longer invite you out? Do you find, if you are out, that you have a hard time having fun because you are pre-occupied by thoughts of your ex.

It is very hard to be happy, to live your life fully, if you are stuck in the past. Thoughts of what were and might have been keep you from looking at the life you are living right now, and to appreciate things, small and big, that are wonderful.

And, if you don ‘ t notice the world around you, if you don ‘ t engage in it fully, you can never find the happiness you seek.

#2 – That baggage is really heavy.

One of the most important reasons that letting go of a past love is crucial to your happiness is because of the weight of the baggage from that past love.

I have a client who is was in a 10 year relationship with someone who treated her horribly. He was an alcoholic who lied to her and cheated on her repeatedly. She hung on for 10 years, hoping it would all work out. But, in the end, she couldn ‘ t hold on any longer. She had to leave him before she lost herself completely.

Unfortunately, the relationship had caused her a significant amount of damage. She no longer trusted anyone, she was very sensitive to other ‘ s drinking, she felt easily abandoned and she didn ‘ t feel worthy of love. She seemed like a functioning person in the world but she wasn ‘ t.

So, when she got involved with a new guy she brought all of the baggage that she had from her previous relationship into her new one. She didn ‘ t trust him at all, counted his drinks, was very sensitive to his absences and obsessed about how he could possibly love her.

We worked hard on identifying those triggers for her, to recognize that she was projecting the behaviors of the old guy onto the new one which was making her miserable and threatening to destroy her new relationship.

Only once she accepted and worked through the issues that were her baggage was she able to accept her new guy as he was and put her ex in the rearview mirror.

#3 – You will never find someone else.

Do you want to find someone to love who will love you completely? Are you struggling to find that person in spite of how much you would like to?

Unfortunately, it will be literally impossible to find someone new if you are obsessing about your ex. If you are spending all of your time staying home depressed or, when you are out, not picking up your head and seeing what is out there, then even if someone does come along you might not see them.

It is important that you put your energy out there as a single, available person in the world, not someone who is mired in misery because of a past break up.

I remember when I got together with my guy. I literally had my head in my hands on a bar, talking to a good friend. I was devastated at yet another break-up with my ex. The pattern was killing me. My friend reminded me of a friend of his who I had met and remarked upon a few months back and told me that this guy was attending his dance party that weekend. My head shot up out of my hands and I saw what could be my future instead of my past. I went to that dance party and the rest is history.

#4 – Extreme emotions are bad for you.

One thing I know about letting go of a past love is that it ‘ s fraught with big emotions.

You feel angry, sadness, despair, hopelessness, self-loathing and insecurity. Those feelings can all coexist or come and go separately from each other. And those emotions can suck the life out of you.

Feeling extreme emotions can be very debilitating. The long term damage caused to your body, and mind, by anger and sadness are quite profound.

Many people don ‘ t realize that your muscles absorb your emotions, especially if you are stuffing them down. This can lead to physical problems, such as a sore back or a frozen shoulder or worse. Your mind can get exhausted by the constant barrage of feelings and you could have a hard time concentrating. The thoughts in your head could keep you from sleeping, which isn ‘ t good for anyone.

If your body, and mind, are in pain, consider the fact that letting go of a past love is the best thing that you can do for both your mental and physical health.

#5 – You can keep your friends.

When we are going through a break up, our friends are a valuable resource. They love us unconditionally and want to support us through our pain. They are willing to listen, to assure us that our exes are horrible people and remind us how amazing we are. Getting through break ups without friends is very difficult.

Unfortunately, sometimes there is a statute of limitations that our friends put on their willingness to support us through a break up. The threshold can change but sooner or later our friends might tell us to get over it and let it go, that it ‘ s time to move on and live our lives.

And, when we don ‘ t or can ‘ t do that, they get sick of us and choose not to spend time with us. Not having your friends is a horrible thing in any situation and especially during a time we are feeling vulnerable from a break up.

So, an excellent reason that letting go of a past love is crucial is that you will keep your friendships intact. After all, your people were with you before your ex and will be with you long after. How lucky are you?

Letting go of a past love is absolutely crucial to moving forward and being happy.

Holding on to past love can be damaging to our body, it can cause us to lose our friends, it can keep us from fully living and it can drag us down with the weight of it ‘ s baggage.

I know that it ‘ s really hard to do and it does take some effort, sometimes a lot of effort, but it can happen and, when it does, you will have a real shot at being happy. And people who are happy attract other people who are happy so living happily ever after isn ‘ t just a possibility!

How great would that be?

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really be struggling with letting go of love.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before the pain overwhelms you.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

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