5 Reasons Setting Expectations in a New Relationship is Key to Its Success

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Setting expectations in a new relationship is something that many couples don ‘ t think to do.

When we start a new job, we generally go into it with some expectation of what the job is going to look like and how we can do the work so that we will be successful. When we enter a new relationship, we are following our heart, and our libido, two parts of our body that don ‘ t lend to long term, successful relationships.

Imagine going into your new relationship knowing what you and your partner can and should expect from each other. Imagine not having to guess at what will make your partner happy but knowing because they told you so. Imagine not fighting with your partner over the small stuff and instead enjoying your life together. All of those things can happen if you set expectations.

Why does setting expectations in a new relationship make such a difference? Let me explain ‘ ¦

#1 – You will make conscious decisions.

Relationships are between 2 people, two individuals with lives and histories and issues and habits and friends and fears and hopes. When those two individuals embark on a relationship, their lives are suddenly tossed together into one and sometimes their individual pieces just don ‘ t work together.

Setting expectations can identify those individual pieces and define how they are going to be managed.

I have a client who fell in love with a man who was a recovering alcoholic. A big part of his life was attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. While my client understood that this was a part of his life, as their relationship deepened she started resenting the time that he spent at his meetings instead of with her. She felt like if he loved her more, he would want to spend more time with her.

I encouraged her to talk to him about her expectations around time spent and to ask him about how he could balance his meetings and her without jeopardizing either his sobriety or the relationship. They came up with a plan that worked for both of them and she was happy. She knew when he was going to meetings and when he would be with her and she no longer felt threatened by them.

By identifying and addressing the meetings proactively, my client was able to stave off a potential long term issue with her guy.

#2 – You won ‘ t feel let down.

One of the most difficult things to manage in a relationship is being let down. To have someone not do what you expect them to do and feeling let down because of it.

Many, many couples struggle with this issue and the number one reason for let down is because people don’t know what their partner expects of them. They make assumptions about what their partner wants and they are wrong. And, because they are guessing and are wrong, they let their partner down, even if they don ‘ t mean to. By setting expectations, we can prevent the let down that comes from trying and failing to guess what your partner wants.

One day, the husband of one of my clients called his wife to ask if she needed anything on the way home. She didn ‘ t need anything but was so glad that he called to ask. And then, he never did it again. Because he had done it that once, she hoped that he would do it again and when he didn ‘ t, repeatedly, it started to really bug her and she got very resentful.

I asked her if he knew that she wanted him to call at the end of the day. She said that she assumed that he did because he asked that one time. I suggested that maybe he didn ‘ t realize that it was important to her because that one time she didn ‘ t need anything. I suggested that maybe if she asked him to do it regularly that he would be happy to oblige.

And she did and he did and they were happy!

Setting expectations in a new relationship, and an old one, is an excellent way to prevent let down and resentment.

#3 – You will know where to make change.

For many people in a relationship, a lot of time is spent stabbing around in the dark, trying to figure out what the other person needs. A lot of that time is wasted and, as a result, relationships get into a lot of trouble. Imagine knowing what exactly your partner expected of you and thereby knowing what you needed to do differently to make them happy.

In the example above, as soon as my client told her husband how much she appreciated it when he called on his way home, her husband knew exactly what he could do differently to make his wife happy. One small phone call could change the course of his evening, and his life. So, he made the change and all was good.

Don ‘ t expect your partner to change if they don ‘ t know what they need to do to change. Tell them so they can do so!

#4 – You can address issues.

Once you have succeeded in setting expectations in a new relationship you will have a road map of what you want your relationship to look like. Each person will have a clear expectation about what their role will be in the relationship and they will be able to act accordingly.

Of course, the best laid plans can fall apart and expectations can go unmet. But, if the expectations have been set and agreed upon, when they aren ‘ t met it is easier to see what the issue is.

Think of expectations as a relationship contract – a signed agreement of what you intend to do for each other. In any contract, there is an agreement between each side, what each will do to meet the contract. If that contract is violated then there will be consequences. If a carpet isn ‘ t delivered, the carpet company provides a refund. If a contractor ‘ s work is shoddy, they fix it. If your wife agrees to not complain about your weekly golf game and she does, you are allowed to address it.

Setting relationship expectations in a new relationship will allow you to be able to be specific when addressing issues that arise when the expectations are unmet. Instead of being able to say ‘ ˜I am angry with you ‘ you can say ‘ ˜I am upset that you didn ‘ t hold up your end of our agreement and let ‘ s address it. ‘

Which would be more effective in solving conflict, do you think?

#5 – You will know how to succeed.

The best part of setting expectations in a new relationship is being able to celebrate when the expectations are met. For many people, all they want is to make the person they love happy. When the person you love is happy, you are happy. When the person you love is unhappy, life can be miserable.

If you know what your partners expectations are, you will be able to make the choice whether or not to meet those expectations and make them happen. And if you do choose to meet those expectations, relationship happiness, and all the good things that come with it, will be yours for the taking.

Which would be a better way to end the day: sulking because of unmet expectations or not sulking and having a little fun?

Setting expectations in a new relationship is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship can be a happy one.

By defining clear expectations so that everyone knows their role in the relationship, by not letting each other down and creating resentment, by understanding where to make change, how to deal with issues and how to celebrate your success, you are taking steps to keep your relationship a healthy and happy one.

Don ‘ t be fooled by thinking that any couple in love should just be able to know what the other wants. That is the stuff of fairy tales.

Know what your person wants and needs and make sure they know yours and that is how fairy tales come true!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want your new relationship to be a happy one.

Let me help you, NOW, before issues arise.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things That Women Want From Men Other Than Chocolate and Flowers

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Many of my male clients are completely stumped by what women want from men. Truly it amazes me watching them stab around in the dark, not knowing what they can do to make their women know that they love them.

One of my clients told me about how he was going to give his girlfriend a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. I directed him to the local jewelry and greeting card stores. What she wanted, I told him, was not the practical but the emotional.

I know that ‘ ˜emotional ‘ is tough for guys so I thought I would break down 5 easy things that women want from men so that you can do them and make your woman feel loved. I know it seems hard to grasp sometimes but what women want from men isn ‘ t really that complicated.

#1 – Use your words.

I can ‘ t tell you how many women wish that their men would use their words more often.

They wish that their men would tell them that they look nice when they are dressed up, that their success at work is remarkable, that their golf game was dead on, that the dinner they cooked was tasty.

Earned compliments such as these make a woman feel good about themselves. Knowing that someone they love is noticing their successes means the world to them and makes them feel secure with themselves.

Furthermore, it makes women happy when men verbalize their appreciation for the things that their women consistently do for them. A client of mine always supported her man when he needed to work late but he never acknowledged it. Another made an effort to look nice whenever she saw her guy so he knew that he was worth the effort but he never seemed to notice. Another client helped pick up her boyfriend ‘ s kids from school but he never thanked her. All of those things they did for love and none of their guys verbalized their appreciation of their efforts.

So many men say ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her I appreciate her. She knows. ‘ And while your woman might know that you appreciate her, she still wants to hear you say it. She wants to know that you see what she does out of love for you and that you recognize how special it is.

Don ‘ t assume that your woman knows how you feel – tell her. Even if it ‘ s hard for you to express how you ‘ ˜feel ‘ about her, you can recognize her successes and the things that she does for you, using your words.

#2 – Be affectionate.

One of the things that women want from men is that they be affectionate.

You might find it surprising that many men have hesitations about being affectionate with their women. For many of them, their understanding of relationships comes from watching their parents. If there were any intimacy issues with their parents, such as withholding affection if chores weren ‘ t done, that is what a man thinks a relationship should look like. Because of this, being intimate can be hard for them because he mighthave never seen what healthy intimacy might be.

Unfortunately, for women, if their man pulls their hand away when she is reaching for it or turns away when she goes in for a hug, she feels like he doesn ‘ t love her or isn ‘ t attracted to her. And these kind of thoughts can breed an insecurity that can cause havoc in a relationship.

If you struggle with touching your partner, talk to her about it. If she can understand where you are coming from, and you can understand her needs around affection, it will reduce her insecurity and talking about it might bring about change in how you feel about intimacy. That will make your girl happy.

#3 – Don’t try to fix us.

One of the biggest issues that can arise in relationships is the difference in needs of women and men when it comes to dealing with things.

When women are faced with struggles, part of how they deal with them is processing the emotions around the issue. For men, the inclination is brain storm a fix. If a man tries to fix a problem while a woman is still processing the emotions, things can get messy.

What I encourage men to practice when helping their woman process an issue is empathy. Empathy is defined as ‘ ˜the ability to understand and share the experience of another. ‘ Instead of trying to fix her problem, try just understanding where she is at in the moment and acknowledging how frustrating/upsetting/anger producing it is. That is what she wants. For you to accept and understand where she is in the moment and to empathize.

So, next time your person is struggling with something, don ‘ t make suggestions for how to fix things. Simply tell her that you understand how she is feeling and tell her that you are there for support.

This video is an excellent, and funny, example of what empathizing and not fixing looks like.

#4 – Treat us like women ‘ ¦.

I know that this can be tricky in this modern day of women being equal to men- women can and should expect equal treatment both in the workplace and in the world. That being said, women do still like to be treated like ladies, ladies who are desired, respected, admired and appreciated.

So, what are some examples of this? How about opening a car door for your lady, buying her that special scent that she likes, telling her how fabulous she looks or taking her out on a special romantic date. How about rubbing her feet or bringing her flowers or retrieving something from a high shelf.

Yes, men and women are equal but that doesn ‘ t mean that a girl doesn ‘ t like to be treated like a lady sometimes.

#5 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t try to protect us.

Treating someone like a woman is one thing but treating us like the weaker sex is another.

I can ‘ t tell you how many men tell me that they don ‘ t share something with their woman because they are ‘ ˜trying to protect them. ‘ They tell those little white lies, lies that seem inconsequentially but have real repercussions.

What do I mean by little white lies? How about telling her you will be home for dinner at 6:00p, all the while knowing that you won ‘ t be home until 7 and you don ‘ t tell her because you don ‘ t want to upset her? Or telling her that you are going to go out for one beer, knowing that there is a long, fun night ahead. Or not telling her that you ran into your ex at the coffee shop and you talked for a while. Or that not getting that raise is ok even if your credit card bill is getting higher every day.

All of these white lies might be meant to ‘ ˜protect ‘ your woman but, in reality, they will only serve to make her trust you less. And when she trusts you less, relationships can fall apart.

Being honest about everything, big and small, is the key to a healthy relationship and a big part of what a woman needs to feel loved. Making every effort to be honest always will help your woman love and trust you even more.

Knowing what women want from men is a great way for a man to set up his relationship for success. Knowing what she wants and giving it to her will make her feel loved and you will feel appreciated and everyone will live happily ever after.

Telling her what you appreciate about her, holding her hand or giving her a hug, not trying to fix us and treating us like a woman are things that every woman wants in a relationship.

That being said, there is a 6th thing that every woman wants that needs to be mentioned as part of this list.

Women want, more than anything, follow through. They want to know that, if you say or agree to do something for them, you will actually do it. If you say that you want to go to the movies, you will actually show up. If you are going to fix the car, get it done. If you are going to take the kids out to give her a break, do it.

One of the biggest contributing factors to downfall of a relationship is when men make promises and don ‘ t follow through. When they do that, women often doubt their man ‘ s affections and their insecurities can cause more damage than you can ever know.

So, recognize the importance of follow through. Establish goals that you can reach and, always, do them for your woman. Start here, with the list above. Set your intention right now that you will follow my suggestions and do the work that you need to do to make your woman feel loved.

You can do it! I know you can!

5 Ways Healthy Relationships Are Different From Toxic Ones

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Many of my clients ask me how healthy relationships are different from toxic ones. Sometimes, when we are in a relationship, it can be very difficult to see how healthy it is. You are just too close, there are too many emotions involved and your friends and family all have different opinions.

Recognizing whether or not your relationship is a healthy one is the best tool for you to use when considering whether or not your relationship has a future.

There are some hallmarks of healthy relationships that don ‘ t exist in toxic relationships. Let me share them with you today so that you can figure out, once and for all, how a healthy relationship is different from a toxic one and what kind of relationship you have.

#1 – No fear.

A healthy relationship is one where there is no fear, that neither partner lives life being scared of physical or emotional pain. A life where disagreements exist but they don ‘ t lead to outbursts of emotion that make one, or both, people fearful.

Do you live in fear of asking your partner if you can go out with your girlfriends, knowing that if you do he will get furious, yelling at you, knocking things off tables and punching walls, because he thinks that you are fooling around and that your friends hate him.

Do you live in fear that if you don ‘ t do your chores on time your woman will verbally berate you, making you feel like an incompetent loser?

There are two people in every relationship and things come up between them. It ‘ s just how it works. And each of those people has wants and needs that they should be able to address without living in fear.

If your partner doesn ‘ t like you going out but is willing to discuss this with you, instead of freaking out, then you are in a healthy relationship. If you don’t do your chores on time and it leads to a discussion of how things can be different next time, then you are in a healthy relationship.

If you don ‘ t do the things that you want to do or can ‘ t make mistakes without fear of being attacked, then your relationship is a toxic one and it ‘ s time to take a good hard look at what is next for you.

#2 – Give and take.

Another indicator of a healthy relationship is when there is an equitable give and take. When each partner has their wants and needs met equally, often a direct result of conversation.

A couple I work with have different sleep habits – she likes to stay up late and he likes to go to bed early. For people in a toxic relationship this could be an issue. One person, or both, might insist that they go to bed at the same time. They don ‘ t discuss it but just assume that this will be the case and, when it isn ‘ t, it becomes a real issue.

A couple in a healthy relationship will recognize each other ‘ s individual needs and work, together, to have those needs be met.

For the couple who go to bed at different times, they discussed what would work for them. They agreed that they would keep their individual bedtimes during the week but that, on the weekends, they would go to sleep together, half way in between their desired bedtimes. By making this decision together, they were able to stave off resentment at the different bedtimes, agree on a solution and move on.

#3 – Equality.

An essential part of a healthy relationship is equality – both partners having an equal say in decisions that are made, both in the short term and the big picture.

I have a friend who has 6 children. When she and her husband were looking at houses, he liked one that had a long flight of stairs leading from where the car is parked to the front door. She, being a stay at home of 6 children, didn ‘ t want the stairs. She could picture lugging groceries and children up those stairs from here to eternity and the prospect didn ‘ t thrill her. When she voiced her opinion to her husband, he brushed them off and proceeded to make an offer on the house.

This, I would argue, is an excellent example of how a healthy relationship is different from a toxic one.

In a healthy relationship, the husband would have been receptive to at least listening to his wife ‘ s concerns and would have been open to working through together how to manage them. The wife ‘ s concerns would have taken equal weight to her husband ‘ s and they could have figured out a compromise that worked for both of them.

If you find that one person is making all the decisions in your relationship and not taking your needs into consideration at all, your relationship might very well be a toxic one.

#4 – Mutual respect.

No relationship can be deemed healthy if there is no mutual respect. If couples can ‘ t look at each other as equals, knowing that they are good people in the world whose perspectives are important and who deserve to be treated well then they are in a toxic relationship, indeed.

I have a client who has a hard time letting her husband make decisions around the day to day workings of their life. She feels like he doesn ‘ t have the consistency and determination necessary to make decisions and follow through with them. As a result, because the workings of their family is so essential to their lives, that she didn ‘ t think that he could handle them caused her to lose her respect for him. She stopped involving him, there was no give and take and every day there was more resentment and anger. Of course, because he felt like she was treating him like a child and disregarding his input, he grew increasingly resentful and lost respect for the mother of his children.

Their relationship was definitely a toxic one and they are now headed for divorce.

So, if you find that you don ‘ t respect your partner the way you did when you were first together, I would suggest that your relationship is not healthy and that you consider working to fix it or move on.

#5 – Feeling good about yourself.

Many people in toxic relationships don ‘ t feel good about themselves.

Years of being ignored and mistreated have led them to doubt their sense of self-worth and not believe that they have anything to offer to the world.

The hallmark of a healthy relationship is being in one that makes you feel good about yourself, who makes you believe that you can take on the world and that you will succeed.

Has your relationship made you feel less than? Has it driven you away from friends and family? Has your career suffered because you don ‘ t believe that you can do your job effectively? Do you believe that you aren ‘ t worthy of love and don ‘ t deserve the life that you want.

If you don ‘ t feel good about yourself or your place in the world, then you are most likely in a toxic relationship, one you want to get out of before you lose all sense of yourself.

Knowing how healthy relationships are different from toxic ones is very important when you are deciding how to move forward.

If you find yourself living in fear, that there is no shared decision making or equality in your relationship, if there is no respect and you don ‘ t feel good about yourself then you are in a toxic relationship and you must decide if you want to stay in it.

The goal is to have no fear in your relationship but rather kindness and consideration, to have mutual respect, to be with someone who makes you feel like you can take on the world and someone who you know makes you happy, at least most of the time. That is a healthy relationship. And that is the goal.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. If one or more of the above things aren ‘ t a part of it, your relationship just might be toxic and you must consider moving on!

You can do it!

How to Manage Your Depression When The World Seems to be in Chaos

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The other night I was sitting in the bathtub, soaking away the effects of the day. Suddenly I started crying. Not just crying, sobbing. I didn ‘ t know what was going on.

And then it hit me. The world was in chaos and I was going through some serious major life changes and out of nowhere it was all catching up to me. I wasn ‘ t used to things catching up to me so it made me very uncomfortable.

When I am uncomfortable I will figure out whatever it is I need to do to be comfortable so I was determined to push past this. And, with some work, I did.

Here are some things that you can do to manage your depression as the world is falling apart.

#1 – Allow yourself to cry.

Recently I have been having some arm problems and I have been seeing a rolfer to help me. She told me that she thought my arm problems were emotional – that the stress I was under was showing up in my body.

She encouraged me to let those emotions go. To really sit with the emotions when they crop up and let my body deal with them.

So, I did. I sat in the bathtub and cried. And cried. And cried. I took many deep breaths in between sobs. I allowed my body to let go of what I was feeling

As I cried, my mind kept wandering off to ways that I could fix what was causing the overwhelm but I would pull it back. I knew that now was the time for feeling my feelings and that later I would try to fix it.

An hour later I emerged from the bathtub, exhausted. I went to bed and woke up in the morning, feeling great, ready to manage my depression in a productive way.

If you are trying to manage your depression, try doing what I did. Sit with your feelings. Let your body process the emotions and let them go. When you do this, you are setting yourself up for managing your depression for a life of success.

#2 – Take stock of what is bringing you down.

A big part of how to manage your depression is knowing what is causing it. If we don ‘ t know what is depressing us it is impossible to deal with it.

So, the day after my crying jag, I made a list of the things that might be making me depressed. I was in the middle of a big move, away from my kids. I had developed a frozen shoulder over the past year. I was going to be on the road a lot over the next week doing presentations. My dog was habitually pooping in my son ‘ s room at night. My boyfriend was going through a really hard time in his personal life.

I also thought about all that was going on in the world around me. The Covid-19, which had been happening for a few months, and the demonstrations and the accompanying unrest, were super scary and made me unsure about the future of our my children and our wonderful nation. Those things were making my depression worse and I hadn ‘ t even noticed it.

It was amazing how freeing it was to identify all of the things that I had going on in my life. By doing so, I didn ‘ t feel ashamed of my depression, ashamed that I was weak and couldn ‘ t handle my life. Seeing all of the things that I had going on made me realize that my depression was merited.

And that made me motivated to deal with it.

#3 – Make a plan.

I believe that to get through anything you need to have a plan. Without a plan, you are going to approach things haphazardly and any success will be purely luck.

So, for me, I had to look at the things that were depressing me and figure out how to attack them.

As to my move – I made a list of what needed to be done. I made a plan to travel to see my kids regularly. I vowed to cut down the number of presentations that I was doing. I would try feeding my dog earlier in the evening so that she could do her business before I went to bed. And I wouldn ‘ t take my boyfriend ‘ s problems on myself – they were his problems, not mine.

And, to manage my depression around the outside world, I promised myself that I would not look at the news more than twice a day and to acknowledge that our country has gotten through worse and that it would survive, even if it took a while.

Making a plan for dealing with my depression helped calm me down pretty quick. Knowing that I had a plan gave me the freedom to take some deep breaths and get ready to deal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

One thing that I realized when I was taking inventory of what was making me depressed was that I had stopped taking care of myself. I was so depressed that I wasn ‘ t walking everyday like I usually did. I was traveling a lot so I wasn ‘ t eating well. My sleep was off and I was drinking more than usual.

A big part of being strong enough to deal with overwhelm is taking care of yourself. Keeping your body and mind healthy gives you the tools that you need for overcoming overwhelm for a life of success.

So, take care of yourself. What are the best things that you can do for yourself right now?

#5 – Ask for help.

We women believe that we can do it all by ourselves. That no one else can do it as well as we can and that if we ask for help we are admitting that we just can ‘ t do it ourselves.

Well, let me tell you that I know, from personal experience, that that just isn ‘ t true. We all needhelp and if we can ask for it then we can do anything.

For me, I knew that I really needed to get my arm taken care of because having an injured wing made everything much worse. So, I started seeing a rolfer, an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. These practitioners are not only helping me with my arm but they are helping me deal with all of the emotions that are causing the overwhelm.

I have also asked my boyfriend to help me manage things around the house and have hired a contractor to do what he can ‘ t. I am parceling out my presentations to people I have trained to do them, people who really can do as good a job as me. And I recently got some CBD oil to help me sleep.

When I sleep the world is just a better place.

I also started seeing my therapist again. She is a good person to talk to about how to manage my depression in the midst of my personal, and extended, issues. It ‘ s always helpful to have a listening ear when one is struggling.

So, ask for help if you need it. Don ‘ t go it alone. There are people out there who can and want to help you so go for it.

Being able to manage your depression in the midst of personal and public chaos can be difficult to do. There is so much going on and so much stress in our lives and the prospect of managing it all can seem impossible.

But it is possible!

Let yourself feel your emotions, identify what is overwhelming you, make a plan, take care of yourself and ask for help!

This is your life to live. Take the reins and live it well. You can do it!

5 Ways Setting Expectations after Breaking Up Can Help You Move On

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The importance of setting expectations after breaking up is not something that can not be overemphasized.

You have been in a relationship with this person for weeks, months or years and now that relationship is ending and what is next? Life without the other person is uncharted territory, territory that, believe it or not, if you manage it together, you will be able get past and move on faster.

Setting expectations after breaking up can be a complicated, especially when the emotions around break ups are so fraught. Let me share with you 5 expectations that you can set TOGETHER that will help you both manage those crazy emotions and move on.

#1 – No stalking.

One of the biggest problems with social media is that, after breaking up, we have endless access to information about our exes.

Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook etc allow us to, from the comfort of our own home, watch as the life of our ex unfolds without us. Whether what we see posted is reflective of the truth or not, when we see our ex happy without us it cuts us to the core.

A client of mind knew that she had to break up with her boyfriend of 8 years and was ready to move on. And then he got a new girlfriend and she became obsessed with how the new relationship happily played out on Instagram. As a result, she was drawn more and more back into her feelings for him, missing him and wondering if things could have been different. And then one day he called, told her he was miserable and she learned that all the posts she had been obsessed were social media curated.

So, when setting expectations after breaking up, make sure that one of them is that you unfriend/unfollow each other immediately. If you can make that decision together, that you can disconnect from each other electronically so that you can get on with your lives, then one or both of you won ‘ t be hurt when you are blindsided about an unfollow notification.

I can promise you, if you can do this one thing, you will be a long way along the path of getting over your ex and moving on.

#2 – No trash talking.

Whether you do the breaking up or are broken up with, the anger that occurs at the end of a relationship can be very destructive. The desire to funnel that anger somewhere, to put it out there to the universe, to let others know what a jerk your ex is, is almost irresistible.

One of the most important things to keep in mind when you are setting expectations after breaking up is whether or not you BOTH can refrain from trash talking each other. What happened in your relationship was between the two of you. Yes, she might have cheated or he might have been abusive but that is between the two of you. The impulse to get sympathy from someone else from telling a one sided story is never productive and usually ends up with more acrimony and anger.

So, when talking through setting expectations after breaking up, agree that the issues that you had will stay between you and that neither of you will talk badly about each other to the world.

At the very least, not talking about your ex will help you move past them. Every time you rehash things with anyone, everything just gets stirred up again.

#3 – No yo-yoing.

Another very important expectation to set after ending your relationship is that there will be no yo-yoing.

Yo-yong is the very painful occurrence when one person keeps coming and going in a relationship. One person says they want out of the relationship but then changes their mind, comes back and then leaves again. Or they drunk text for a booty call. Or they say they want to try again but not tell anyone.

For those of us who have had our heart broken, the inclination to give our ex a second chance is hard to resist. So, we do and, for a few days, life is grand. And then they leave again and we go back to where we were, broken and in pain.

For those of us who have broken up, we get bored or lonely or depressed and we want to soothe ourselves and who better to do so with then our ex.

Yo-yoing isn ‘ t good for anyone. The coming and going messes with everyone ‘ s emotions – the person who got left is hurt over and over and the person who keeps coming bac

k feels guilty, stupid and confused.

Agree, when you break up, that what you have decided is for good and that, even if loneliness or boredom directs you towards self-sabotage, you will not reunite with your ex and start the craziness all over again.

#4 – No closure.

If there is one thing that I believe is the most nonproductive and pain producing part of the end of a relationship, it ‘ s ‘ ˜closure. ‘

I truly believe that closure is purely an excuse for the person being left to have one more face to face with their ex so that they can spend time with them and perhaps talk them into coming back.

Closure usually involves hours of circular conversations and ends with lots of tears and still no resolution. No matter what is said, both people go away broken and in pain.

One of my exes and I agreed on the ineffectiveness of ‘ ˜closure ‘ and so, when we broke up, we just moved on. It was hard but it was much easier for me to get past the break up having no contact with him. Months later, after we had both suffered and recovered, we ran into each other and to this day are very good friends. I believe it ‘ s because we didn ‘ t have to go round and round and suck the life out of each other, analyzing our break up.

So, after breaking up, it ‘ s important that both sides make an effort to say what they need to say so that they can both move on and find happiness.

#5 – No friendship.

I know – this sounds really harsh, but, in reality, being friends after a breakup is counterproductive and just leads to more pain.

If you have been in a romantic, intimate relationship with someone, being friends is a big leap of faith, especially if one party has been blindsided by the break up.

Friendship involves trust and kindness and confidence and loyalty and, usually, when people go through a break up, these things have been absent for a while. To try to be friends with someone who you have hurt, or who has hurt you, is, I believe, more often than not, a reason to spend more time with this person you love or fill the void left when you dumped them

I do believe that, after a time, after the intense pain has passed, people can be friends again but in the short term, while anger and hurt abound, being friends will only prolong the break up and the pain.

Setting expectations after breaking up sounds like an impossible thing to do but, if done with intention, it can make a big difference in the amount of pain that is endured and the amount of time it takes to move on.

After breaking up, agree to rules around social media, agree to not talk badly about each other to friends and family, agree that the break up has happened and that there will be no turning back, that there will be no closure and no friendship in the short term.

I know that you are in pain right now and that your ex is probably struggling as well. If you can work together, setting expectations, you will be able to move on quickly and healthily and find the love that you have always sought!

You can do it!

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