How Surviving a Crisis Together Can Make a Relationship Stronger

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There are many things that can make a relationship stronger but going through a crisis is one of those things that can absolutely make your relationship bulletproof.

Here we are, in the middle of a global crisis on so many levels. Between Covid, the election, the riots and the forest fires, our world feels like it ‘ s running out of control and there is no turning back. And that is petrifying.

While we can ‘ t control what is happening in the world (mostly), what we can control is our relationship and how we navigate this craziness together. Doing so successfully will only make a relationship stronger, one that can get through anything and move forward in an even more loving way.

Here are 5 ways that surviving a crisis together can make a relationship stronger.

#1 – You will come together.

You know the last time you went through a crisis and you had to go through it alone? Wasn ‘ t it a lonely struggle, one that was exhausting at times.

Are you now facing the current crisis with a partner at your side? Do you feel stronger and more able to take on anything because you know that there is someone who has your back unconditionally?

This tendency to unite in the face of a crisis is what can make a relationship stronger and, for many couples, this crisis has drawn them together in ways that no one really expected.

I have a client who was happily enough married. They were going about their daily lives, busy, hoping to have a baby, juggling work and friends and family. When Covid hit, their lives changed completely. They started working from home and their social lives dried up. It was just the two of them, in their apartment, facing this new world together.

My client says that getting through this anxiety filled time has made their marriage so much stronger. And having each other ‘ s support at the beginning, when there were so many unknowns, was something they both recognize they couldn ‘ t have done without.

#2 – You will support each other in small ways.

For many of us modern folk, we work really hard to be self-reliant. We want to believe that we don ‘ t need anyone or anything, that we can handle whatever comes our way on our own.

A crisis like the one we are going through now has shifted that. There are so many things to manage, many of them in our own homes, that we didn ‘ t have to manage before. There is working from home, homeschooling kids, cooking instead of eating out, keeping the house clean enough in spite of all of the people in residence and much more.

What I have discovered is that people are, like never before, supporting each other in small ways.

Before Covid, I had a daily list of what I needed to get done. I work from home so I often just worked my chores into my day. Most days, I couldn ‘ t get it all done because there was just too much. My boyfriend can never help because he would work all day and come home tired.

Now, with my boyfriend home, I find that he steps up to support me in small ways. He empties the cat box, he vacuums out my car, he stacked some wood and raked the leaves. All things that were, in normal times, totally my responsibility.

I know that having him there to support me in small ways, to do a few things to take them off my shoulders, has made me feel much closer to him. I truly appreciate what he does and it makes me want to do things for him in return.

#3 – You will touch more.

One of things that happens, whether we like it or not, is that when we are in someone ‘ s physical presence we just touch more.

Whether it ‘ s touching in the close quarters of the kitchen, sitting side by side on the couch catching up on emails, staying in bed just a little bit longer because of the lack of commute, physical touch has increased a thousandfold in many relationships.

And we know that there is nothing that can make a relationship stronger than loving physical touch.

#4 – You will have empathy.

My boyfriend is super sensitive to any little thing that is wrong with his body. If he has a headache or a back ache or a scratchy throat, he dramatically takes to the couch to convalesce. It drives me absolutely bonkers because I ignore any aches or pains in my body and just push through. I got 20 wasp stings on my body after stepping on a wasp ‘ s nest and I took a shower and then made dinner, pushing the (incredible) pain away because dinner had to be made.

During the time of Covid, I have become more empathetic to my boyfriend ‘ s sensitivities. He is very worried about contracting Covid so, when he starts to complain about being tired or run down, instead of rolling my eyes and walking away, I acknowledge how he feels and bring him a cup of tea on the couch.

In turn, he has true empathy for the fact that I, who am ALWAYS on the road, am stuck at home and how challenging it has been for me to share a house with 3 grown men, 24/7. I am writing this article from my mother ‘ s home in Virginia because my boyfriend understands and supports my need to be alone.

Our mutual empathy for what we both are struggling during this crisis with has definitely drawn us closer.

#5 – You will share success.

I know that the Covid crisis is far from over. The second wave is hitting us and many more people are getting sick and dying. We have been spared in our little corner of the woods but we still know pepole who have been sickened and our lives are still affected by it every single day.

What I do know is that, when the crisis is over and life gets somewhat back to normal, my boyfriend and I will sit on our porch, drinking a gin and tonic, damn proud of the work that we did to get through it. He has worked hard for the city he manages, making sure that people are taken care of and safe. I have supported people with my life coaching. We have worked together to keep our family strong, our finances on track, our mental health steady enough and our connection to each other intact.

It hasn ‘ t been easy, and it ‘ s not over yet, but I know that for us, and for all of you, getting through this and out the other side is going to be something that will keep our relationship strong.

It ‘ s interesting how surviving a crisis together can keep a relationship strong.

Think about any disaster movie you have ever seen. Often times, the hero and the heroine are estranged lovers. Their lives have been complicated and they have separated. And then the earthquake/tidal wave/alien creature hits and they are drawn together to overcome the odds and save the world. And, as a result, the final scene of the movie is them, covered with blood and dirt, sharing a passionate reunion kiss.

Much like in the movies, this crisis will keep your relationship strong. You will find you come together, you support each other in small ways, you will touch more, you will have empathy for each other and you will celebrate success when it ‘ s all done.

If there is a silver lining to this crisis it ‘ s that it will make a relationship stronger for many people who might have been struggling and keep a relationship strong for those who were steady already.

How great is that?

5 Common Stressors That Can Lead To Depression During the Pandemic

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As the months of Covid-19 stretch on, with no end in sight, more and more people are asking me to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

We are in unprecedented times and our lives have changed completely. Things that we used to take for granted are no longer a part of our lives and things as they are now often feel uncomfortable and unnatural.

If you can identify stressors that can lead to depression, you can learn how to manage those stressors to help you manage your moods before they get the best of you.

Here are the 5 most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

#1 – Fear of the future.

This, I believe, is the most common stressor that is leading to depression these days.

As I write this the election rages around us, many states in the west are on fire and Black Lives Matter protests are still scattered around the US. On top of that, winter approaches and cases are mounting every day. No vaccine is in sight and Covid is dividing America even further across party lines.

We wake up every day, not knowing what the future holds.

Fear for the future and the hopelessness that it engenders causes depression in a way like none other. Not knowing what tomorrow looks likes worries us. What life will look like for our children, whether toilet paper will disappear again, whether the current weather patterns will worsen, all these things makes us anxious and fearful and depression can follow.

So, as you question whether you are depressed, take into consideration that this fear of the future is our baseline right now so things that are common stressors that can lead to depression are magnified during the Covid-19 crisis.

#2 – Lack of ‘ ˜me ‘ time.

This is a big one for me. Time by myself.

Until the pandemic, my boyfriend and I were living a quiet life together in the woods of New England. I had escaped my NYC apartment, where I had lived alone for years, to live with him. I was nervous about living with someone again but it ended up being fun. I worked from home, alone all day because he was working. I had my alone time and then there was time for us.

And then Covid hit. Within weeks one of his kids moved in with us. And 7 months later he is still with us. He lost his job and his social life dried up so he was home 24/7. I literally wasn ‘ t alone in my home for 5 months. I thrive on alone time and the lack of it is driving me, it feels like literally, insane.

Are you one of those people who needs time by themselves? Many of us do. Even if it ‘ s just the car ride to or from work, time by ourselves helps us recharge our batteries. For many of us, our batteries are on empty, especially if the co-habitants of our houses are under the age of 10.

If you are struggling with empty batteries, I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to spend some time by yourself. I have been closing my TV room door and doing yoga, taking walks, working in the garden, writing my blogs from my bedroom and sometimes just driving nowhere. None of those things completely charge my batteries but they are doing a nice job of keeping them charged enough so that I don ‘ t drive off a cliff.

#3 – Not enough time with friends and co-workers.

I have a client who has been really struggling recently. As we talked it through I realized that she is really missing her co-workers. She had worked closely with the team for years and not being in their physical presence was wearing on her. To have them there one day and gone the next was something that she was really struggling with.

Similarly, another client, one who thrives on being with people, is really struggling because her core group of friends have left the city. They were all in their mid-twenties, living the life in the city, and they all lost their jobs and headed home to their families. She had done the same and they were all Facetiming but it just wasn ‘ t the same.

If you find that you are missing your friends and co-workers, try to make an extra special effort to figure out a way to see them. I know that it can be a challenge but there are ways. Picnics, walks, outdoor movie watching etc. All of these things can be done to allow you to spend time with people who feel you and help alleviate the depression that might be caused by the pandemic.

#4 – Anxiety about public spaces.

One of my closest friends fled San Francisco in March and is now living in her house in a small town in Vermont. She has been there since March and rarely leaves. She is worried about Covid to the extent that it has made her fearful of leaving her home.

For most of our lives, we have taken public spaces for granted. Running to the grocery store or the mall or a movie is something we used to do without thinking. Doing errands on a Saturday morning was once a family affair.

Now, we don ‘ t go out unless we need to. When we do, we don masks and carry hand sanitizer. One person goes into the store while the others wait in the car. Everyone in the store is wearing a mask and standing 6 feet apart. If they aren ‘ t, we feel anxious.

Common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic include this fear of public spaces. Not feeling safe anywhere other than our house makes us sad. It makes us anxious. It makes us worried. It makes us depressed.

Know that, if you are struggling with fears of public spaces, you are not alone. If these fears are causing you to feel depressed, get someone to help you do the things that you need to get done out there in the world so that you can manage your anxiety.

#5 – Less physical affection and romance.

I remember in March everyone was talking about Covid babies, babies that would be born 9 months after the pandemic began. Ironically, Covid babies aren ‘ t a thing. Why? Because Covid is making it so we touch each other less.

Because Covid is transmitted by physical proximity, people just aren ‘ t touching each as much other anymore. Of course, many of us have our pods of people who we interact with, and hopefully hug, but the bigger world isn ‘ t accessible to us. Hugging someone you haven ‘ t seen in a while, or even shaking their hand, isn ‘ t an option anymore.

And, if is there is one great natural depressant, it ‘ s physical touch. Hugs, holding hands, kissing – all these things make someone feel better. Not having those things, instead touching elbows, is making many of us depressed.

Furthermore, romance is, in many ways, out the window. Many of my clients are meeting people online. They are getting to know each other through FaceTime but, if and when they choose to meet, there is little or no physical contact. And without physical contact, romance is difficult. Especially new romance.

I don ‘ t mean sex but I mean that initial jolt that you get when you hug someone hello. Or when your hands touch. Or when you brush up against each other walking down the street. Those things aren ‘ t happening now. Dating is more Victorian, as if we had a chaperone who was measuring the space between us to ensure that it was ‘ ˜proper.’

Lack of romance and physical touch are very common stressors that can lead to situational depression during the pandemic.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article you are struggling with depression and wondering why.

There are many things that are in play right now that are making a lot of people depressed. Fears for the future, absence of contact with people, reduced time alone, anxiety about public spaces and the need for physical contact are all things that can drag people way down.

That being said, it is very important that you pay attention to your depression. Follow the suggestions that I made above if you think they might be helpful. If, however, you find your depression getting worse, that it is impacting your life, your work and relationships, then it ‘ s time to talk to a doctor.

Depression can get worse if it is not managed properly. Talk to your primary care doctor right away if you feel like yours is worsening and making your life a difficult one to live.

Good for you for taking the time to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic. We have a long road ahead and knowing how to manage your mental health will help you come out the other side intact, ready to full live again.

You can do it!

5 Reasons You Are Blaming Yourself After Your Spouse Cheated

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Tell me the truth – do you find that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated? Are you angry and sad and overwhelmed but do you find that you are ultimately taking responsibility for what happened?

I so often hear this from clients – that their partner cheated but that they are blaming themselves. And this self-blame is preventing them from moving forward in any direction, which isn ‘ t healthy.

Let me explain to you why you might be blaming yourself after your spouse cheated and how to get past that self-blame and move forward.

#1 – You feel rejected.

When we find out that our partners cheated, it is devastating. While, in my experience, there are many emotions at play, the predominant one that I hear from people is that they feel rejected. That they weren ‘ t good enough.

I have a client who thought that she and her husband were happy. They had just returned from a vacation where they really enjoyed each other and were planning another. And then she looked at his phone and saw messages of love from another woman.

Yes, she was furious but at the same time she immediately questioned why she wasn ‘ t good enough for her husband. Why did he have to go seek love and affection somewhere else?

Was it because she worked too much or had gained some weight or that she spent too much time with the kids? Was she no longer young enough or pretty enough? What could she have done to have kept him interested enough that he wouldn ‘ t have strayed?

I am here to tell you that affairs happen for many reasons but none of them is usually because of something that you did or didn ‘ t have, that you did or didn ‘ t do. People are attracted to each other for a variety of reasons and attraction in affairs often has nothing to do with the original partner – it has to do with the bubble the cheaters find themselves in as their relationship developed.

It ‘ s not what you didn ‘ t have or do that caused the infidelity – it ‘ s what existed in that relationship that caused the affair.

#2 – You feel gullible.

If you are honest with yourself, were there times when you wondered if there was something going on with your spouse? Did you sense they were distant or not always properly accounting for their time or keeping their phone close? Did you notice those things but push the thoughts away as unthinkable?

Or maybe you truly had no sense that anything was off and learning so has made you feel incredibly stupid for missing the signs?

Many of us do this – we don ‘ t even consider that our partner might be unfaithful or we ignore red flags because we just don ‘ t think our partner capable of cheating. And, when we discover that our partner has cheated, we are mortified that we didn ‘ t know, that the person who swore to love us forever willingly deceived us.

I can promise you that you aren ‘ t gullible for not speaking up when you noticed signs. That you aren ‘ t stupid for being totally unaware of what was happening behind your back. You are a person in the world, trying to get by, to be the best that you can be in a relationship and to trust your partner to be true.

Your partner lied to you. They deceived you. This is not on you – it is on them!

#3 – You trusted them.

For many of us, when we find out our partner cheated, we simply can not conceive it to be true. I mean, this is our person, the person who stood up in front of our friends and family and promised to love us forever. How could this person, this person we have shared a life with for years, betray us so completely?

Ironically, it is exactly this trust that is why you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated. You are so programmed to love and trust your partner that the instinct to look inward at your own deficiencies is a profound one.

I know that when I found out that my ex was having an affair, I went right to that dark place. This person was the father of my children, a man I greatly respected, with whom I had made a life. That he could betray me in that way made me doubt everything about me and us. If I was questioning everything about my relationship, how could I not question myself for my role in the fact that it happened?

I now know that yes, my ex had an affair, but that affair didn ‘ t nullify everything in our past. Yes, he let me down in the biggest way but that doesn ‘ t mean that I bore any responsibility for his actions. What he did was all on him

#4 – The family.

The biggest victims of infidelity are the children. They are innocent bystanders to their parent ‘ s marriage and when someone cheats, they are often directly affected.

I am the child of divorce and I didn ‘ t want that for my children. When I found out my spouse cheated and wanted a divorce my first thought went to my kids – to the family that they would lose.

I promised them I would do everything in my power to try to hold our family together and I failed. All of my efforts to do so were met with anger and disrespect and I ultimately had to walk away.

For years I blamed myself for taking their family away from my kids but I know now that it wasn ‘ t on me. My partner was the one who strayed in the first place. He was the one willing to put our family on the line for his selfish needs. While I tried to fix things, I couldn ‘ t do it in a void. If he wasn ‘ t in, there was nothing I could do.

Blaming myself was a huge waste of time. I see that now.

#5 – Taking blame is what we do.

There is a quote I read someplace sometime – If you are willing to take the blame, someone is happy to give it to you. As someone who is chronically willing to take the blame for anything, whether it ‘ s my fault or not, that quote really speaks to me.

In the aftermath of an affair, when we are questioning every single thing in our lives, it ‘ s so easy to go down the path of self-blame. It ‘ s what we do.

If a friend is upset, we immediately take stock of what we might have done to make them so. If we bump into someone and spill coffee, we immediately apologize, even if we were the ones bumped into. If something goes wrong at work, we are willing to take blame whether or not we deserve it to save our jobs.

Self-blame is what we do, especially women. But we don ‘ t have to do it. We don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for everything that is wrong in the world. And we don ‘ t have to blame ourselves for the fact that our spouse cheated.

It does seem crazy that you are blaming yourself after your spouse cheated but it is a very common occurrence.

The feelings of rejection, of feeling gullible and deceived, the guilt around the loss of the family and our tendency to accept blame more often than not are all present as we are struggling with the aftermath of the affair. And all of those things are clouding your judgement and your ability to think clearly.

I would encourage you to push back on those feelings of self-blame. This is not your fault. You are responsible for your role in the relationship but not for your partner ‘ s cheating. That is all on them.

And the sooner that you can see this and accept it the sooner you will be able to move forward and start to heal.

You can do it!

5 Ways a Toxic Relationship Can Make You Sick

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I know that it ‘ s hard to believe but a toxic relationship can make you sick.

Just like being exposed to a toxic smell in the air or ingesting a toxic chemical by mistake, being in a toxic relationship can have serious side effects on your health, side effects that can be truly debilitating and life changing.

If you are in a toxic relationship it might be doing more than dashing your hopes for a healthy one. It might actually be making you physically ill and, if it is, it ‘ s important that you stop it in its tracks before it brings you down any further.

Here are 5 ways that a toxic relationship can make you sick.

#1 – Physical debilitation

Did you know that being in a toxic relationship can actually make your body fall apart?

The stress that you are under trying to manage your relationship, trying to process whether you should stay or go, surviving the toxicity in the relationship and trying to live your life can just get to be too much. And what is the first thing to go? Your physical health.

The effects of stress on your body is not insignificant. Stress can lead to chemical imbalances, eating disorders and substance abuse. It can also lead to respiratory, digestive and immune system issues. Furthermore, stress can be a significant contributor to sexual function disorders.

If you are struggling with body aches, persistent colds, difficulty breathing or anxiety attacks, among other things, perhaps your toxic relationship is making you sick.

Do you want this relationship to kill you? Because it might just be, slowly, doing that.

#2 – Mental despair

The most obvious sign that a toxic relationship can make you sick is the depression and anxiety that can rear their ugly heads in the midst of everything that is going on.

Toxic relationships are a day in day out thing. When relationships are bad, more often than not people regularly ruminate on them. If relationships are more than bad, if they are toxic, then we can become obsessively focused on them, causing us to turn away from and neglect things that are important to us.

Furthermore, toxic relationships fill us with feelings of despair and hopelessness, they influence how we think about ourselves and the world, they make us suspicious of other people ‘ s motivations, they make us feel unsafe. All of those things can lead to a situational depression that will get only worse before it gets better.

Extremely toxic relationships that involve severe emotional and/or physical abuse can actually lead to a clinical depression which can be hard to manage and can stay with you a long time, if not forever.

If you are feeling hopeless, if you just want to sleep all the time, if you are isolating yourself, if your moods are interfering with your life or your work, you just might be depressed. Getting out of your toxic relationship might be just thing to help you deal with that.

#3 – Isolation

Unfortunately, many people who find themselves in toxic relationships tend to isolate.

Sometimes the isolation is imposed by the partner, as a way of controlling someone, but often times people self-isolate. They do so because they might be feeling worthless, perhaps they are embarrassed by their relationship, perhaps their friends are sick of hearing about it, perhaps they are sitting at home, waiting for their person to show up.

If there is one thing that we have learned during this time of Coronavirus it ‘ s that isolation is very difficult for human beings to live with. People need to be with people. People need to touch people. They need to surrounded by people who love them. Not having those things can be debilitating in a big way.

Loneliness is one of the most significant causes of depression. It can also lead to unhealthy habits, inability to sleep and substance abuse.

If you find that you are isolating because of your toxic relationship, it could be why your body and mind are suffering so.

#4 – Self-doubt

When we are in a toxic relationship we are filled with self-doubt.

Whether it ‘ s because of the way our partner treats us, whether they belittle us or treat us with contempt or physically abuse us, the result is that we can doubt ourself at every turn. We can doubt who we are as a person, it can affect our work, it can make us question every choice we ever made.

And self-doubt is an insidious thing. The longer it goes on the more it can deeply affect your physical and mental health.

Fortunately, self-doubt can be shut down if you leave your toxic relationship and seek help. Unfortunately, as long that the toxicity exists in your life, the unhealthier, emotionally and physically you could become.

#5 – Substance abuse

When we are struggling with physical and mental issues, with isolation and self-doubt, we are often drowning, having no idea what to do, how to proceed, how to take care of ourselves. Our relationship is making us miserable and the stress is taking its toll on our physical health.

The best thing that we can do to manage side effects of a toxic relationship is to exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. Unfortunately, most of us don ‘ t do that.

For many people, the way that they manage stress is by drinking, doing drugs and over or under eating. All of those things help ease the pain that we are dealing with, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, those things ultimately just make us feel worse.

Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate mental and physical health issues. Over/under eating can lead to self-hatred and health issues related to bad nutrition. Bad habits might feel good in the short term but they will only make us sicker.

If you find that your toxic relationship is causing you to develop bad habits that only make you feel worse about yourself, perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away from the relationship and work towards being healthy again.

Knowing how and why a toxic relationship can make you sick is an excellent means of evaluating whether or not to get out of one.

If you are reading this article you most likely realize that your relationship is toxic and you are seeking some way to identify and deal with it. Connecting your toxic relationship to the physical and mental struggles you have had recently might give you that extra push to get out.

So, if you are struggling with mental and/or physical health issues, if you are isolating and full of self-doubt, if you find that you are abusing substances then it could very well that your relationship is making you sick.

Is anyone worth destroying your health for? I don ‘ t think so!

Why It Is So Difficult to Let Go of Love During the Pandemic

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Is your relationship struggling and are you wondering how you could possibly let go of love during the pandemic?

Times are incredibly difficult right now and making a big move in any direction seems daunting. Letting go of love is difficult in the best of times, and now here you are, miserable and wanting to let go, but struggling to do so.

There are many reasons why it ‘ s harder than usual to let go of love during the pandemic. Understanding them might help you get the strength to make a move so that you can be happy!

#1 – Relationships make you feel grounded.

I have a friend whose husband died last year. We were just discussing what the hardest thing has been for her. She said that not being in a relationship has made her feel less grounded, less sure of herself in the world.

When we are in a relationship, we have someone who we know is always there for us, even if sometimes it ‘ s not in the way we want. My client was very unhappy in her marriage but she was happy that she was part of a pair because she didn ‘ t come home to an empty house, there was someone to cook for, there was someone to talk about her day with. Not having that has made her feel a little bit like she is floating around in the world without a purpose. Without having a relationship that tethers her to the earth.

In these crazy times, when all of us are feeling ungrounded because our lives have been turned upside down and inside out, being in a relationship, even an unhappy one, give us a sense of feeling that you can be stronger, together, to take on what is happening right now.

#2 – You are questioning yourself.

Almost without exception, people I know (myself included) are struggling in a big way. We are in month 6 of the pandemic and our patience is wearing thin. We all want to get back to ‘ ˜normal ‘ and that doesn ‘ t seem like it is happening anytime soon.

Interestingly, in my experience, this uncertainty and frustration is causing many people to question themselves, to question the choices that that they are making (and have made in the past), to question who they are in the world, to question those who love them and to doubt that they have the strength to get through all of this.

This personalization of what is happening in the world is making it so people aren ‘ t sure of how to make smart choices. They are questioning their ability to see clearly. They wonder if perhaps they are wrong to think that their person isn ‘ t for them.

People are questioning literally everything in their lives and, as a result, deciding whether to let go of love during the pandemic is a incredibly difficult.

#3 – Uncertainty about the future.

I am guessing, from where you sit right now, you are wondering what the future holds.

Who will win the election? When will our kids be safe at school? Will we be able to travel for the holidays? When will there be a vaccine and will we take it? Will we be able to still pay our mortgage without a stimulus check? Will we ever be able to date again?

Ugh.

This uncertainty about what the future holds makes it harder for us to let go of love. In better times, if we got out of a relationship, there were certain things that we always did to recover. We would go out with friends, go on a trip, workout at the gym, start dating again. All of those things are not readily available to us right now and so we wonder how we will get past the breakup if we leave our relationship.

Furthermore, not knowing what the future holds makes it scary to walk away from a partner. Facing the future alone can be way scarier than facing it with someone else, even if you are unhappy!

#4 – Fear of being alone.

I have a client who has been dating during the pandemic. While she has met some men who she enjoyed, none of them have stuck. She isn ‘ t in the relationship that she hoped she would be in right now, one year after breaking up with her long-time boyfriend. And, as a result, she is scared.

Winter is coming, schools are opening and Covid cases are spreading. It seems to many of us, particularly those of us who are about to get hit with cold weather and flu season, like the world is going to lock down again. We are going to go back to the way things were in March when we had to hoard groceries and stay home 24/7.

And she doesn ‘ t want to do it alone. Again.

For many people who are struggling to let go of love during the pandemic, this fear of riding out the winter alone is a big one. Winters are hard enough and they will be even harder this year. And the holidays are coming and being alone during the holidays is going to be a whole different thing this year with travel being limited.

So, if you are struggling to let go of love during the pandemic know that part of it might be your fear of being alone, both in the short and long term.

#5 – Boredom.

This might seem like a silly one but it really is important.

Many people are staying in relationships that they shouldn ‘ t because they are bored.

Being in a relationship means having someone to do things with, even if you aren ‘ t getting along particularly well. I know that during my unhappy marriage we still did things together and were somewhat happy.

Being in a relationship means having someone to eat dinner with, to binge watch The Boys, to wake up with in the morning, to take walks with when staying home gets to be too much.

Furthermore, I have a client who finds herself creating drama in her relationship to break the boredom. Things that might not have bothered her before might bother her now and she makes a big deal about it with her boyfriend. They have a fight, emotions are aroused and then they have make-up sex. For a short, or long, period something else is going on other than the long stretches of nothingness that are happening right now.

For many of us, being alone and bored, with no one to interact with, either positively or negatively, is untenable and that makes letting go of a relationship that isn ‘ t working even more difficult.

Knowing why it ‘ s so hard to let go of love during the pandemic is a very important part of making the decision about whether to let go or not.

Knowing that you might be struggling not because you should be with this person but because things are so crazy right now, because you might be questioning yourself across the board, because you might be unsure about the future and bored and scared of being alone.

Think about where you are at in the world. How you feel about yourself and those around you and see if you are choosing to stay with your person because of any of the above reasons or because you know that you truly aren ‘ t meant to be together.

You can do it! You must do it. So that you can be happy.

Why Knowing Each Other’s Love Language Can Make Your Relationship Stronger

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I remember so clearly back in 2011 when I first learned about love languages and why knowing each other ‘ s love language can make your relationship stronger. It forever changed my perspective of relationships, both personally and professionally.

For those of you who aren ‘ t familiar with love languages, Gary Chapman’s bookThe 5 Love Languages created a whole movement around the concept of there being 5 languages of love and how to use those languages to express love for your partner.

Expressing love seems straightforward, no? Well, not so much.

It seems that most of us express love in ways that WE need to feel loved – as opposed to in ways that our partner needs to feel loved.

We might feel loved when we get a piece of jewelry as an expression of affection but our partner might feel loved by getting to spend a full day together, just the two of you. We might feel loved when we get a hug but our partner might feel loved if we take out the trash.

The key is that knowing each other ‘ s love language will help you understand what it is that your partner needs to feel loved. When you know what that is and express your love using those actions, your partner will truly feel cherished and your relationship will be stronger.

If you aren ‘ t familiar with the love languages, let ‘ s review them first. That will make knowing each other ‘ s love language easier.

The 5 Love Languages are:

#1 – Quality Time

While this love language might imply more time in the presence of your partner, what it in fact means is that the time you spend together is quality time. It ‘ s the time that you put down your phone and look your partner in the eye. It ‘ s the time that you say you will be there and you are. It ‘ s doing things together that will keep you connected. For a person whose love language is Quality Time, it ‘ s time that, no matter how limited, is time that makes them feel loved.

In contrast, if the time you spend with someone whose love language is quality time isn ‘ t of quality, if you are on your phone or watching TV or not showing up physically, your person won ‘ t feel loved and your relationship will suffer.

#2 – Words of Affirmation

This love language is quite clear – it ‘ s using your words to express how you feel about someone. While you might assume that someone knows how you feel, someone whose love language is Words of Affirmation is someone who wants to be told how you feel – that you love them, that you are important to them, that you like who they are.

In contrast, if you are one of those people who can ‘ t express their emotions or, even worse, can be sarcastic and derogatory, you will only cause your person unmeasurable pain.

#3 – Physical Touch

The Physical Touch love language might seem quite clear but there are nuances to it. Yes, in relationships physical touch often alludes to sex but, in this case, touch can mean a hug or a pat on the back or touching someone ‘ s arm. Touch can excite someone but it can also show that you care and that you love them.

In contrast, if you strugglewith being physically affectionate your person will feel neglected and disrespected and they will struggle to feel happy in the relationship.

#4 – Acts of Service

‘ ˜Let me do that for you ‘ or ‘ ˜Can I help you with that? ‘ are magical words to a person whose love language is Acts of Service. Anything that you can do to make life easier for your person will make your person feel loved.

In contrast, if you are one of those people who doesn ‘ t step up and help or who promises that they will and don ‘ t, your person won ‘ t feel loved and will struggle to love you in return.

#5 – Receiving Gifts

If your person ‘ s love language is Receiving Gifts, they believe that the giver of gifts is using those giftsto represent how they feel. They believe that the thoughtfulness and the time spent around the gift speaks volumes about how much their person cares about them.

In contrast, those people who miss birthdays or holidays or give a thoughtless gift ensure that their person doesn ‘ t feel loved and that can be devastating.

So, now you are familiar withthe 5 Love Languages. Let ‘ s talk next aboutwhy knowing other ‘ s love language will keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Guessing could mean failure.

You know howwhen you are newly in a relationship and you want your partner to feel loved and appreciated, you are motivated to make an effort so that they will feel so. Unfortunately, if you don ‘ t know your partner ‘ s love language, you might fail in that effort.

I have a client whose girlfriend was celebrating her birthday and he was considering what to get her. He told me that he was going to get her a vacuum cleaner. I suggested that perhaps a bracelet would be nice. It would be a thoughtful gift and most women love jewelry.

So, he bought her a bracelet and while she did like it, her response upon opening the gift was ‘ ˜Is this what you think I want? ‘

She couldn ‘ t verbalize it but what I learned about this woman later on led me to believe that what was really important to her was quality time and words of affirmation. The gift didn ‘ t make her feel loved. What would have worked best for her birthday was a dinner out and declarations of affection.

So, while the bracelet was appreciated, his stab in the dark about what she might want for her birthday fell flat.

#2 – You will give what they want not what you want.

For many of us, when we don ‘ t know our partner ‘ s love language, we tend to express our love through what we would want to be done to us.

Many of my male clients struggle with emotions in a relationship. Giving someone words of affection and quality time can be a challenge. What THEY want, often, is physical touch and so they express that love language, physical touch, when they are trying to communicate their feelings to their partner.

Unfortunately, if their partner ‘ s love language isn ‘ t physical touch, they won ‘ t feel loved by their partner ‘ s affection. Instead, they will feel like their person doesn ‘ t understand them and they will feel rejected.

So, it ‘ s important that you know your partner ‘ s love language, and your own, so that you don ‘ t project what you would want on your person.

#3 – Knowledge is power.

As in anything, knowledge is power.

Let ‘ s say that you know what your partner ‘ s love language is and that you are learning what that looks like specifically for them. Let ‘ s say that you and your partner argue and you want to do something to make up for it. If you know their love language you will know exactly what your partner would want to feel loved after the fight.

Perhaps it ‘ s a walk in the park, cell phones at home. Perhaps it ‘ s a heartfelt ‘ ˜I am sorry and I love you. ‘ Perhaps it ‘ s a hug. Perhaps it ‘ s picking up the kids from school. Perhaps it ‘ s a small thoughtful gift.

Whatever it is, knowing what it takes to make your partner feel loved will give you the power to set things straight quickly so that you can get past your fight and move forward together.

#4 – Consistency.

Relationships can be long and hard and one of the things that can keep them strong and healthy is consistency.

What I mean by consistency is that the partners always feel loved and valued, even if issues and disagreements arise. If you don ‘ t know your partner ‘ s love language, there are times where you will do something for them that will make them feel less than and disrespected.

I have a client who is always telling her partner that she needs more sex. He says ok and promises to step up his game. And he obliges her once but then goes back to taking the garbage out and giving her time awayfromthe kids – acts of service. While she certainly appreciates those things, that he does them doesn ‘ t override her need for sex. In fact, that he thinks that those things make her feel loved frustrates her and is causing a significant amount of discord in their relationship.

So, if you can consistently help your person feel loved, instead of riding the roller coaster of unmet expectations, your relationship has a much better chance of staying strong.

#5 – It could save your faltering relationship.

Here is the magic of knowing each other’s love languages – that they have significant power to save a dying relationship.

I have a couple client whose marriage was circling the drain. They had been married for a long time and she felt ignored and disrespected. I know that her husband was confused about her feelings – he felt like he did things that she would like and make her feel like he respected her. But, for some reason, she still felt that way.

When I reviewed the love languages with them we learned that their love languages were quite different. She needed Quality Time and Words of Affirmation. He needed Physical Touch and Words of Affirmation. They had both been giving each other Acts of Service with the intent of making each other feel like they were cared for.

As soon as the couple learned what the other needed to feel loved, they were able to identify and implement, with confidence, what the other person needed. There was a little bit of trial and error but it didn ‘ t take long for both of these people to feel loved and respected in their relationship and their marriage grew stronger as a result.

If you are looking for a way tomake your relationship stronger quickly, knowing each other ‘ s love language could be just the thing.

So, now you understand what love languages are and hopefully you understand why knowing each other ‘ s love language can make your relationship stronger.

Go to the5 Love Languageswebsite, NOW, andtake the online quiz together. You will be 5 minutes away fromunderstanding each other in a profound way, a way that will keep your relationship strong.

You can do it!

Why You Feel Like Your Life Is Falling Apart in Month 6 of Covid-19

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If you are like me and many of my clients I am guessing that you feel like your life is falling apart right now.

Do you find that all of the coping mechanisms that you have developed over the years aren ‘ t working? Do you feel worthless or like a failure or like you have no one who loves you? Are you questioning every decision you have ever made and are you wondering how you can ever be at peace again?

I have so many clients who are reaching out to me now, questioning everything in their lives and feeling like they are truly losing their shit. And, yes, they all have stuff they are dealing with but right now their burden feels overwhelming.

If you feel like your life is falling apart right now there are many reasons and most of them have nothing to do with you.

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Life has changed completely.

Think about your life before March 2020. What did you do? Did you go out to eat and travel and visit your in-laws and drop your kids off at school and date and have ready access to toilet paper whenever you wanted it?

Did you assume that, no matter what the state of politics in the US, you had your own happy life, one with ups and downs sure, but with friends and family and freedom?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not alone. All of us always assumed that we would have the freedom to live our lives the way we wanted and, all of a sudden, that freedom was ripped away from us.

For the first time we couldn ‘ t go and do what we wanted to do. Many people lost their jobs and, even if you didn ‘ t lose yours, the unemployment numbers were staggering. Grocery store shelves were bare and any travel plans you had were cancelled.

And the government was confusing us at every turn, giving us no confidence that we knew how to get through this.

This is a HUGE! We have literally been thrown off balance in a way that none of us know how to cope with. We have been pushing through these last few months but now we are tired. Now we are scared. Now we wonder what is next for our family and our country.

And all of these events and emotions are overwhelming us to the point that we are doubting ourselves and our life choices and our ability to accomplish anything. This is what you are feeling.

#2 – There is no end in sight.

Here we are, 6 months into the nightmare that is Covid-19, and there is no end in sight.

In June, we had all hoped that the summer months would help reduce the number of deaths. The President promised us that it would all just magically disappear. Masks became the fashion statement de jour and social distancing was encouraged.

And yet, people continued to fall ill. People were told that Covid was a hoax and didn ‘ t follow protocols that might have saved lives. Schools are re-opening and children and teachers are getting sick. And there is no vaccine in sight.

Who can blame you for feeling hopeless and helpless and out of control of your life, especially when you know your health is being threatened by non-believers. You feel like you have no control right now, over anything, so it ‘ s really hard to feel like you have control over yourself. And that lack of control shows up as self-doubt and anxiety.

#3 – Winter is coming.

I know that in many parts of the US winter coming isn ‘ t as big a deal as it is for most of us but for those of us who do deal with long, cold winters, we know, and dread, what is ahead.

Cold winters mean we all move indoors. Outdoor dining and social events are going to evaporate. Colds and flu will run rampant, creating a fear that with every sniffle or fever we, or our family, have coronavirus. It ‘ s dark and cold and the outside experiences that got us through these last few months are going to be few and far between.

And who knows what is going to happen over the holidays – often the only bright spot before the long days of January, days when we see family and visit warm places. Just the thought of it makes me sad.

Even in the best of times, winter ‘ s approach can be daunting. Right now, as we all struggle with this ongoing pandemic, is seems almost unbearable.

#4 – Politics.

Today, Donald Trump was diagnosed with Covid-19. After six months of publicly denying it (and private confirming how dangerous it was) the President of the United States has this horrible disease and the world is upended.

Before this latest news, we have had 4 years of vitriol, hate and public displays that have dispirited us all. To name a few, in the past few years we have had the Kavanaugh hearings, which raised again the ugly specter of sexual abuse. Ruth Bader Ginsberg died suddenly, creating a constitutional crisis around the Supreme Court. Putin put a bounty on US soldier ‘ s heads and the administration did nothing about it. A foreign leader was encouraged to influence the presidential campaign. Families have been torn apart trying to come into our country. Science has been denied and our world is on fire.

And this is just a very small portion of what we have been dealing with since March 2020 and before.

Imagine if you were from another planet, looking down on those of us living in the US right now, can you imagine the empathy that you would have for us? For those of us, on both sides, who are angry and suffering and scared. For those of us who are afraid for the future of our children. How we are scared that our mothers and fathers will die alone.

If you are feeling off kilter and like your life is falling apart, know that even the strongest, most self-confident person is really struggling right now.

#5 – Too much of a usually good thing.

What is it that we all always wished for in our previous lives? What did we just not have enough of but so wished we did? What was thing that was passing before our eyes?

Time. We always wanted more time.

And now we have it. Lots and lots of time to sit around our homes, trying to stay busy, a little bit bored somedays. Lots and lots of time.

I know that for many people the time has been a good thing. I know couples who have grown closer because their busy lives no longer keep them apart. I know of families who have done things together that they hadn ‘ t done in years. I know that there is a lot of yummy bread and chocolate chip cookies that have been made and devoured. We have had time that we have never had before and it has been good.

The downside to all of that time, however, is that it allows our minds to run wild. The time that you used to spend riding the subway or going to the movies or having long boozy dinners with friends is now time often spent in our heads. Instead of running around, keeping ourselves busy, as is human nature, we are left alone with our thoughts.

The worst thing about our thoughts is that, more often than not, they only run negative tapes. I know that I do have some good memories that I like to play over in my head but more often than not I am thinking about that stupid thing I said in 3rd grade, about that time I chose badminton over track in junior high, about how I never appreciated one gift that my ex husband gave me, about how my depression affected my children.

And what do those negative thoughts do? They make me doubt myself and my abilities and my future in every way.

So, while more time has been a gift, recognize that that gift can also bring us to a place of self-doubt that might not exist if we weren ‘ t spending so much time not busy, alone with our thoughts.

If you are one of many of us who feel like your life is falling apart in month 6 of Covid, know that while it feels like it ‘ s all about you and your weaknesses, it ‘ s not!

The world around us feels like it is crashing and burning and even the most resilient of us are struggling to make it through.

Try to keep in mind, as you are struggling, that you are not a person who is weak or worthless or hasn ‘ t lived up to your own expectations. Instead, take stock of the person you are in the world, the people who love you, the good things that you have done, the things that you know you have to offer the world.

You might not be able to make big change right now but it ‘ s ok. Someday this will all be behind us and life will go on and you will get your stability back. And when you do, watch out world!

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