December 2021

Are you looking for ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

With everything else that is going on during the holidays, does your toxic relationship increase your stress and keep you from enjoying what is wonderful about the season?

Daily life is hard enough in a toxic relationship. Are you wondering how you will be able to make it through the holidays this year without losing your mind?

There are ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship and reading this article is an excellent first step for you to do so.

So, how does one survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship?

#1 – Avoid triggers.

Be honest with yourself. There must be triggers that can turn your relationship from good to bad, maybe even on the turn of a dime. I am guessing those triggers are pretty consistent and you know exactly what they are.

I would encourage you to take stock of those triggers and to do whatever you can to avoid them during the holiday season.

If you always fight about putting up the Christmas lights, perhaps just let your partner do it this year. If you always fight about your relationship with your parents, try to figure out a way to not have that be an issue. If you always fight because the house is messy, perhaps make an extra effort to keep it tidy.

A toxic relationship is a minefield of triggers, things that usually make things turn sour. If you can avoid them, and maybe even talk to your partner about avoiding them too, you are way more likely to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#2 – Don ‘ t expect things to be different.

Every year, many people in toxic relationships go into the holidays hoping that things are going to be different this year. Hoping that the disaster that was last Christmas won ‘ t happen again or that the toxicity that pervades your daily life will dissipate during the holiday season.

Unfortunately, unless you and your partner have been able to work on your toxic relationship over the course of the past year, things most likely won ‘ t be different.

For my ex and me, whenever a birthday or holiday approached, there was an issue around spending time with family. How I had spent my birthdays and holidays was very different from how he had spent his. I wanted to be at home with just our immediate family and he wanted to travel to see his extended family. Every holiday we fought about what we were going to do. And, every holiday, once it was over, we just ignored what had happened and moved on. Until the next holiday and the issue, and the fighting, came up again.

This issue was a huge bone of contention with my ex and as Christmas approached, it became even BIGGER! Pretty much the day after Thanksgiving until Christmas we struggled with this issue. And it made the holidays significantly less enjoyable.

And, every year, because we hadn ‘ t dealt with the issue earlier, the monster raised its ugly head again.

I believe that, if we had made an effort to deal with it over the years, instead of just ignoring it, then things might actually have had a chance to be different.

But we didn ‘ t – and things just remained the same.

#3 – Control your own emotions and reactions.

You cannot change someone else nor can you change someone else ‘ s emotional reactions but you can change yours.

I am sure that the toxic encounters you have with your partner bring out many emotions. Anger, contempt, unhappiness and frustration are a few that come to mind. And those emotions can get BIG and make those encounters even worse!

I would encourage you to try, during this holiday season, to control those emotions. To try to not let them make issues even bigger.

If your partner does something that normally triggers you, I would encourage you to pause and take a deep breath before you react. Pause and notice what your emotions are. And, if you can, take a few more deep breaths and try to calm down your nervous system so that you don ‘ t react in a destructive way.

If you can control your emotions, if you can control your reactions to your partner ‘ s behaviors, you might be able to take the toxicity down a notch and that might go a long way towards being able to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship.

#4 – Ask family and friends for help.

Many of our family and friends know that we are in toxic relationships and many of them do what they can to support us throughout the year. And yet, for some reason, during the holiday season, things can be different. People get caught up in their own stuff and forget about yours.

I would encourage you to, if your friends or family are in any way contributors to the toxicity in the holiday, ask them for help.

My mother used to help me get through the holidays. How? By accepting the fact that I would not be able to spend a lot of time with her because I had to spend time with my ex ‘ s family. She made an extra special effort to get us all together another time with year, a time of year that wasn ‘ t full of the holiday craziness. Not only did this help her to not be disappointed at Christmas, but it also tempered the conflict between my ex and me and that made Christmas just a little bit more bearable.

Being in a toxic relationship is hard to manage on your own. If you can ask for the support of those who love you, it might help you survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship in a way that might be different from if you were doing it on your own.

#5 – Know that the holidays will end.

So many of us dread this holiday season because of everything that happens. All the present buying, the baking, the pressure to see family etc. will put a tremendous amount of pressure on any relationship. The pressure on a toxic relationship is even more so.

What I always tell people to keep in mind is that ,on January 2, the holiday season will be over. All the pressure that they are struggling with will be over. And with the holidays being over, things can go back to normal.

I know that, if you are in a toxic relationship, normal isn ‘ t necessarily a great thing but normal is probably better than it is during the holiday season. And, when you get to January 2, you will have actually survived another holiday! Well done!

Surviving the holidays while in a toxic relationship can be very difficult to do.

Many of the things that I have suggested are things that YOU can do to get through this crazy time. I know you don ‘ t believe that you should have to make all the compromises to keep your relationship on even ground during the holidays but if you truly want to survive them, making compromises might be the key.

Again, you can not change someone else ‘ s reactions and behaviors, but you can change your own. And that is the key to survival this season – your reactions.

All of this being said, January is the time of year where the high numbers of people file for divorce. Many people think, after the dreadful holiday season, that they just can ‘ t do this one more year. As a result, they walk away. And this just might be an option for you. If you can keep your head down and get through the holiday season, you might be able to make change on the other side.

In the meantime, knowing ways to survive the holidays while in a toxic relationship is an important way to keep yourself together and to enjoy the holidays as best you can.

You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann

letyourdreamsbegin.com

Do you have a guy who won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go? Are you wondering ‘ ˜what the hell is he thinking? ‘

For many of my clients, they believe that, if their guy won ‘ t commit, it is because he is ‘ ˜confused about his feelings ‘ or ‘ ˜that he loves me but feels conflicted. ‘

I can tell you that, more likely than not, your guy isn ‘ t thinking either one of those things, or anything like those things.

Below you will find 5 things that your guy is really thinking if he won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go. If you can understand what he is thinking about, you might find the strength to let him go and move on.

#1 – ‘ ˜She is great but I want to keep my options open. ‘

I know – at the beginning of the relationship your guy treated you like a queen. He made you feel loved and special and you want that back so much.

So, you might be thinking that your guy is thinking that he wants to get back to that place and that if you just wait long enough and are nice enough to him he will get there.

Nope, that is not what he is thinking. He is thinking that you are great, because you are, but that he knows that you aren ‘ t who he wants to be with. But, he doesn ‘ t want to be alone so he is keeping you around until he can find someone else.

Don ‘ t believe he will ever go back to the beginning – that he will see you as a possibility. If he won’t commit but still won’t let you go, I am afraid that ship has sailed and he is thinking it every day, even right after he has sex with you!

#2 – ‘ ˜I know that she is not the girl for me but the sex is great. ‘

This will probably come as no surprise to you but men love sex. LOVE sex and will do just about anything to get it.

So, if you are willing to have sex with him, even if he gives you nothing but breadcrumbs, why would he let you go? If there is sex available to him with no strings attached, why wouldn ‘ t he take it?

Furthermore, people who are in relationships that are volatile usually have great sex. It ‘ s something about the chemicals that are created during conflict that can lead to great sex. So, if you are in a place where you are constantly arguing about his behavior, that might keep the sex really good. And who wants to let go of great sex – especially great sex that can be gotten for free.

#3 – ‘I don ‘ t want her but I don ‘ t want anyone else to have her either.’

If a guy wants a girl he will do anything that he can to keep her.

He will stay in touch, spend time with her, tell her that he cares, do nice things. He will make her feel special and loved.

A guy who doesn ‘ t want to be with a girl, but doesn ‘ t have the guts to tell her, will not do any of those things. He will give her crumbs. He will have sex with her and hang out with her when he feels like it but that is it. And she will be left begging for those crumbs and thinking that they are enough.

Ironically, that guy who doesn ‘ t want a girl often doesn ‘ t want anyone else to have her. Why? Because he has it good – he can keep his eye open for someone else, have sex with her, let her take care of him and all the other good stuff that comes with a relationship – without having to give her anything in return.

So, if your guy is being possessive, don ‘ t think it ‘ s because he loves you. It ‘ s because he likes what he has with you – for the time being.

#4 – ‘I am so bored.’

Does your guy reach out to you late at night? Or on a Sunday afternoon? Do you feel special because you know that he is thinking about you right before bed or at half time during the game? Do you use those moments to prove to yourself that he will come back to you because he still loves you?

Let me tell you, that is not what he is thinking. At bed time he is bored (and maybe horny) and he knows that you are on the other end of the phone, waiting to hear from him. At halftime, he has nothing to do so he drops you a text to keep him busy until the game starts again.

If you only hear from him sporadically, what he is not thinking is that he misses you or wishes you were with him, no matter what he says!

#5 – ‘Did I get my heart rate up enough during my bike ride?’

Be honest, if you are in a situation where you have a guy who won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go, do you spend 99% of your day thinking about it?

Do you journal, talk to your girlfriends, google the topic, obsess about what went wrong? Of course you do. All women do.

Let me tell you that guys just don ‘ t do this. If a guy isn ‘ t interested in a woman, she is gone from his mind until he is bored or horny. He won ‘ t spend a second processing what happened, what went wrong or what ‘ s next. He will live in the moment, thinking about things that are important to him.

I believe that if guys could process what happened in their relationships, instead of focusing on sports or work or whatever else they are involved in, then women wouldn ‘ t have to spend 99% of their time wondering what is going on. Why? Because men would be able to talk about how they are feeling and not leave women hanging, not knowing what has happened.

And, if that happened, women could move on and find someone who can really love them!

I know that you want to believe that if a guy won ‘ t commit but still won ‘ t let you go that that he is conflicted and that if you just love him enough he will come back to you.

And I wish it was true but it isn ‘ t.

Again, if a man wants a woman he will move heaven and earth to get her. A guy who is giving you crumbs but doesn ‘ t want a relationship with you will not be constantly thinking about what ‘ s going on. He might give you a passing thought as he goes about his day but that ‘ s it.

I know hearing this is painful but the sooner you can accept it and move on, the more likely you are to find the love you are seeking.

And it is out there, waiting for you! So, get a move on!