Are you in a relationship where he won’t commit but still won’t let you go?
Is your guy happy to spend time with you but won’t take it any further, no matter how much you talk about it?
Are you getting more and more unhappy every day, confused about what he wants and unsure about the future?
So many women tell themselves a story when their person won’t commit. They believe that the reasons he won’t let them go is because he secretly really wants them but is overwhelmed at the idea of moving forward. That he wants to be financially, and emotionally, stable before he commits. That he needs to truly get over his ex before he can move on.
But the truth is – if a guy wants to commit to a someone he will commit to them. Period.
It is essential that you learn the truth behind why he won’t commit but still won’t let you go so that you can decide what YOU want and take next steps!
#1 – He is scared.
We all like to be in relationships and men are no different.
We go into them with hopes and dreams that we have finally found our person, that we will have a healthy and happy relationship and that we will live happily ever after. And, when a relationship fails, the future is very scary.
Think about it. Are you worried that, if you do break up, you will have to put yourself back out into the world? Do you dread getting on the dating sites? Do you believe that you might never love or be loved again?
Of course, you do. We all do. And that is why we stay in relationships that don’t work.
One of the reasons that men stay in a relationship that they won’t commit to is because they are scared to walk away. They are scared that, if they do, they will regret it because they won’t be able to find someone else or that they will be bored or get horny.
Furthermore, he is scared that by telling you that he doesn’t want to commit, he will hurt you. No guy wants, for any reason, to hurt a woman. So, he believes that if he tells you the truth about the fact that he wants out, he will hurt you and he wants to avoid that at all costs.
So, basically, your guy is scared. And that is one of the reasons why he won’t let you go.
#2 – He can’t make up his mind.
This happens all the time. We get into relationships that are good enough but they aren’t all we want. The ‘good enough’ is the operative phrase here – no one wants ‘good enough’ – we all want really good.
So, if he won’t commit but still won’t let you go it might because he just isn’t sure if he should stay or he should go.
Is your relationship good enough? Are there highs and lows, maybe with the lows becoming more frequent because you are pushing for a commitment that he won’t give. Do you feel like you aren’t consistently getting what you want emotionally? Is he not attentive for a few days and then starts being so again?
This inconsistent behavior, where your guy actually seems to be one person one day and another person another day, is a sign that your guy can’t make up his mind.
He probably wants it to work, so he leans in for a bit – trying to convince himself that it is more than ‘good enough.’ And then when he sees that it’s not, he leans back out again. He might even be doing this cycle over and over and over.
And this, ladies, is a guy who can’t make up his mind. He is worried that he might be letting go of a good thing but is leaning towards the fact that he probably won’t be and can’t get himself all the way there.
We all have a hard time making decisions, especially around relationships, so if your guys is struggling with this one, it’s not surprising.
#3 – He is getting what he wants.
Be honest. Does your guy get everything that he wants from you, even if he gives you crumbs?
Can he show up at your house after a night out with the guys and get sex? Do you pack him lunch when he spends the night? Do you do his laundry and his grocery shopping and clean his house? Do you buy birthday presents for his mother?
All of those things are great and so why would he walk away from you, particularly if he doesn’t have to give you much in return?
I had a client who told me that she couldn’t understand why her boyfriend had left her. She told me that she did ‘everything’ for him, for the sole purpose of making herself indispensable. She gave and gave and gave and he stayed because he loved being taken care of. He stopped giving much in return but was happy to receive whatever she wanted to give him. As a result, he started taking her, and the things that she did for him, for granted.
The key part of this – when you give and give and expect nothing in return – is that your man will lose interest. Men might enjoy when someone takes care of them but they also want someone who has expectations of them. He might grumble about them but what a man really wants is someone who considers herself an equal and worthy of his care.
So, if you give and give, your man could lose respect for you and not want to commit. And the reason he won’t let you go is because his needs are being satisfied enough to stay.
That is, until someone else comes along who can satisfy his needs and challenge him.
So, if you he won’t commit but still won’t let you go, it might be because you are giving him so much and asking nothing in return.
#4 – He needs you.
I am guessing when you read the above title your heart gave a little lurch. “He needs me,” you thought. “He must love me.”
Unfortunately, the way I mean that he needs you is not the thing that hearts soar about. Quite the opposite in fact.
Does your guy need you to do his laundry? Do you let him stay at your apartment? Does he use your car to get to work? Do you take care of his kids when he goes out at night? Do you walk his dog? Do you give him money?
Would your guy be lost without you?
I have a client whose boyfriend is completely dependent on her. He lives with her, she pays for everything, she includes him in her family events, knowing that he has no family to speak of. She makes his doctor’s appointments and makes sure he gets where he needs to be on time.
The long and short of it is is that he needs her. Without her, his life would be a mess. He would have no place to live, and no money. He would be lonely and bored and unhealthy.
Even so, he doesn’t want to marry her because doing so would mean forever. So, he stays. He won’t let her go, no matter how much she asks him to. She is sick of his mooching off her – she would love for him to let her go – but he won’t.
So, one of the reasons your guy might not let you go is because he needs you, literally, to survive.
#5 – He is procrastinating.
It takes A LOT to break up with someone.
To do so you have to be willing to say the words, to hurt someone you care, or cared, about. You have to change up your life. You have to get back out in the dating world. Etc etc.
It takes a lot for someone to break up with someone, even if they want to do it. And many guys just don’t want to make the effort to do so.
And this isn’t just a guy thing – no one wants to do something that they just don’t want to do. We don’t want to deal with our car engine noise, so we won’t, until the engine dies. We don’t want to address the ache in our shoulder, so we don’t, until we are in so much pain that we just have to.
So, one of the reasons that he won’t commit but still won’t let you go is that he is just plain not doing what he should be doing. He just doesn’t want to deal. So, he stays, half-heartedly, and waits until things get bad enough that he has to move on!
I know that the fact that he won’t commit but still won’t let you go is incredibly painful.
I know that you want more than anything to be in a committed relationship and you wonder, all the time, whether you should stay or you should go. You might still love your person and believe that you can have a happily ever after but you also know that you just don’t want to waste any more time.
So, keep the things I refer to above in mind. A guy who won’t commit but stays is often someone who is scared. Who can’t make up his mind. Who is getting all of his needs met and who knows that without you he would struggle to survive. Who just doesn’t want to do the hard work involved breaking up and moving on.
Note that none of the reasons that I list above is that your guy won’t commit because he secretly loves you and is processing his thoughts, fully preparing to be able to be the person that you deserve, before he commits. Don’t kid yourself.
Again, if a guy wants to commit, he commits.