5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed Even if it Doesn’t Seem Like it Would Be

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I know that it might go against everything that you believe in to think that it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed.

After all, you care about them and hate seeing them suffer. And popular opinion is that we should stand by the side of a partner who needs us.

And, yes, I do believe that this is true, but I also believe that there are exceptions to the rule.

To be clear, I don’t believe we should walk out on a partner at the first sign of depression. I do believe that supporting them can be incredibly helpful. But there can come the point where that depression has a detrimental effect on your life, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

And when this happens, it’s time to consider if you should walk away.

Let me share 5 reasons why it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed so that you can understand why walking away might be the best thing to do for everyone involved.

#1 – You can’t fix them.

The number one reason that I hear about why people believe that it’s not okay to break up with someone who is depressed is because the partner believes that they can fix their depressed person.

That, if they try hard enough, they will be able to bring their partner out of their funk and that they can both be happy.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. It’s hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to understand this but it is a fact. Only the struggling person can fix themselves and get out of their depression.

I have a friend whose boyfriend loves her madly, and she loves him back. She struggles with some pretty dark depression, and he tries to fix it when she is there.

He tries to remind her how great her life is. He points out all the friends and family who love her. He drags her out of the house, assuring her that if they stay busy, her depression will pass.

And what happens when he tries to fix her? Her depression worsens. And she gets frustrated having him around.

So, if you can’t let go of your need to fix your depressed partner, know that having you around isn’t helping them get better.

#2 – You are becoming co-dependent.

One of the hardest things about managing being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is that there is a tendency for co-dependency.

Co-dependency is defined ‘as a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.’

Co-dependency is not a good thing, for an individual or a couple.

When one person in a relationship is depressed, co-dependency can often develop over time.

The person who is depressed increasingly relies on their partner to support them while they are struggling. They might need them to take over the work that they usually do. They might not get out of bed for weeks at a time, leaving their partner alone doing things they might do as a couple. They might look to them to make them happy, even for a moment.

The person who is not depressed often loses themselves trying to help their person manage their depression. They might overcompensate for their partner’s depression, always pretending to be cheery at the expense of their own mental well-being. They might let go of friends and family in the hopes that their partner’s depression is not put out in the open. Their work might suffer as they try to take care of someone who won’t help themselves.

As time goes on, what started as an effort to support their loved ones, a co-dependent relationship, can become a toxic one, one that sucks all of the oxygen out of the relationship, leaving both people depleted.

So, if you find that you are overcompensating to support your partner when they are depressed, you aren’t helping either one of you.

#3 – You need to take care of yourself.

You know those words of caution that you always hear from a flight attendant – put your oxygen mask on before helping others? That is something that someone whose partner is living with depression often forgets to do.

Much like becoming co-dependent in a relationship, someone in a relationship with someone who is depressed might put their needs on the back burner.

They might try to fix their person, to no avail, making them feel like losers and bad partners. They might abandon their hobbies so they don’t leave their partner alone. They might be willing to let go of intimacy and laughter for the sake of their person.

And doing those things does not make a happy person.

You have only one life to live. If you are living with a person struggling with depression and won’t help themselves, it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself.

If you aren’t doing well, you won’t be any help to your personal and might even make things worse because of your low self-esteem. And being miserable in a relationship is no way to be.

So, if you find yourself miserable and losing yourself, know that to save yourself, it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

#4 – You are making things worse for them.

Above, I spoke about how you standing by your person when they are struggling with depression can be worse for them.

As you try to fix them, you might be making things more complicated for them to manage.

They might watch you lose yourself because of the depression, which will make them feel even worse about themselves, sad that they are letting you down.

They might not seek help because they don’t want you to see them be weak.

They won’t be forced to get out of bed and take care of themselves because you are doing it for them and that will only allow them to sink further into their despair.

So, be honest with yourself. Does staying in this relationship really help your partner or is your staying something that might only be making things worse?

#5 – They are more likely to seek help.

Many people who are depressed have a hard time seeking help.

For some, they don’t see their depression. Others, they believe that they can just push through it. For others still, because their partner supports them, they don’t believe that they need to get help.

When their partner leaves, everything changes. When they are alone with their feelings, having to take care of themselves, people with depression are often forced to face the reality of what is happening in their lives.

And this can force them to get help.

I know that, when I got divorced, I was left alone by my ex-husband and the depression that I had struggled with for years got worse. He was gone, and I was left alone with my demons. And I realized that everything that I had tried to do for years to manage my depression just wasn’t working.

What happened? I saw that I needed to fix things if I wanted to survive this divorce. So, I set out to do so.

If my husband hadn’t left, if our lives continued on as normal with me barely hanging on and him desperate watching me sink, I never would have been forced to face my issues and work through them.

Today, 12 years after my divorce, I am well acquainted with my depression and know how to manage it. I know that my husband leaving me was the catalyst for my newfound skills.

So, know that leaving your depressed partner might be the best thing that you could ever do for them.

There you are, 5 reasons why it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

Again, I know that it’s heartbreaking to consider letting go. That you love this person and that you want to help them work through this.

But know that sometimes your presence can make things worse for them and that you can lose yourself. That your best intentions are toxic for everyone.

So, consider your role in your relationship. Are you helping your person or are your efforts to fix things counterproductive? Are you becoming co-dependent and losing yourself in the relationship? Is your person not seeking help because of your support?

All of those things, especially combined, are a recipe for disaster, and walking away might be the best, most noble thing that you can do!

 

5 Expectations that Women Have of Men that Can Destroy their Relationships

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One of the most consistent elements of my life coaching is hearing about the expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationships.

I hear from women who have these sky-high expectations for their men, and when they aren’t met, they are devastated. And they treat their men horribly as a result.

And the relationship fails, which nobody wants.

Let me share with you expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationship.

Knowing them is very important so that you can understand how you might be able to shift your expectations and keep your relationship healthy and strong.

#1 – That men know what they are thinking.

I think a baseline cause of why women might have certain expectations of their men is because of their women friends.

I think their expectations of their men are borne from aspects that naturally occur in their female friendships. And this tendency can be very destructive.

Why? Because women are women and men are men, and their skill sets are very different.

How many times has a friend looked at you and known exactly what you are thinking? How many times have they, because they know what you are thinking, given you exactly what you need now?

How often have you been so thankful that they are your friend because they can do that?

Now, is having your husband be able to do the same thing an expectation that you have? Do you believe that they should be able to look at you and know what you are thinking?

Well, I am afraid that if this is something that you expect, you will be sorely disappointed.

One of the magical things about women is that we are intuitive and we have been practicing these skills our whole lives. Men aren’t usually as intuitive or intuitive at all, and, as a result, they can’t be mind-readers.

As much as they want to do it because they know it makes their partners happy, it can be virtually impossible for them to do so. And expecting them to do so will only let you both down.

So, know that your man most likely can’t read your mind. If you need something from him, ask him. I know that he would be happy to do whatever you want him to do if you tell him what it is!

#2 – That men anticipate their needs.

This one is very similar to men being able to read our minds. Much like in our friendships, we want the men in our lives to anticipate our needs. To know what we need and make it happen.

We want the men in our lives to reflect back on what we have needed in a similar moment in the past and act accordingly.

We want to believe that the men in our lives should know us well enough to know what we might need, and because they know us so well, they can act on it.

Unfortunately, much like mind reading, men aren’t great at anticipating their partners’ needs.

Men tend to live in the moment, so asking them to harken back to previous behavior can be futile.

I know that, with my ex-husband, I needed him to be home in time for dinner. I told him that regularly and he had a 70% success rate at doing what I needed.

And then, I stopped telling him. I felt he should know what I needed because I had told him many times. I felt like my reminding him was treating him like a child.

Unfortunately, without me reminding him, my husband’s get home from work on time success rate fell to 40%.

Instead of relying on past experience and anticipating my needs, he figured my needs had changed and acted accordingly.

To be clear, I know that men would give anything to be able to anticipate our needs, but I know that this isn’t often a skill that they have developed over the course of their lifetime and that they just aren’t good at it.

So, know that men being able to anticipate your needs is an expectation that women have of men that can destroy a relationship. Again, if you need something from them, tell them. That is an expectation you can have of your man that if you ask him to do something and he agrees to do it, he will.

#3 – That men must do things the way they do.

I hear a lot from women who have kids, who work and shop and drive and cook and clean and do all of the other mundane things that must be done.

And women are generally pretty bad at asking for help to get these things done, usually because if they ask their man to help, and he agrees, he doesn’t do it the way they want it to be done.

“No matter if the outcome of the request was a positive one,” I often hear women tell me that it wasn’t done the way they wanted, so they won’t ask their husbands to help again.

“If it were me, I would do it this way” is something I hear from clients and friends over and over and over.

Because we see a certain way of doing things and believe that those actions would meet the proper ends efficiently and effectively, when we see someone else doing things differently, we get extremely frustrated, especially when it’s our partners.

And when we get extremely frustrated with our partners, we get angry, resentful, and rude, and that is not part of the recipe for a happy relationship.

So, know that expecting your man, or anyone, to do things as you believe they should be done is futile. We all do things our own way, and those ways work for us!

#4 – That men’s actions should be born of love.

“If he loved me, he would.” This is another thing that I hear all the time.

A client of mine was very frustrated because she wanted her husband to look at some windows they needed for their house renovation. They agreed he would stop at the store on his way home.

And, unfortunately, he forgot. He was distracted by work and life, and he just forgot.

How did my client react? She took it very personally. She believed that his inaction around the windows was directly related to how much he loved her.

And she told him that. And he was stunned because he loved her madly and he had just forgotten to stop and look at the windows.

For many women, every action they take for their partners is born of love. Women are natural caregivers, and we look at what our men want and need and move heaven and earth to get those things done. Why do we do this? Because we love them.

If we were truly honest with ourselves, we would admit that if we didn’t get these things done, it wasn’t because we loved our men less. Something would get in the way and wouldn’t get done. And our men don’t take it personally.

But, this expectation that women have of men can destroy a relationship because she doesn’t feel that way about her man she truly believes that, if he loved her, he would read her mind, anticipate her needs and do things the way that she wants them done.

#5 – That men will always be there, no matter what.

Unfortunately, when women’s expectations aren’t met, we often don’t react very well.

I know that when my ex-husband didn’t do things the way I wanted him to, I would treat him very badly.

I would berate him for not doing what I wanted or give him silent treatment. I would be crabby with him and snap easily. I would withdraw from his touch. I would treat him like a child and be very contemptuous.

It never occurred to me that if I continued to behave this way, he would eventually get sick of me and leave. And, ultimately, he did.

He told me when he was walking out that he was sick of not being seen by me. Of me not approving of the way that he did things. Of me refusing to touch him or have sex with him. Of the long silences that happened when he let me down.

In retrospect, it was all obvious to me that the way I behaved was terrible, but because my expectations were so high and he was continually letting me down, I thought I was justified at the time.

But I know now that expecting a husband or boyfriend who is treated badly by their partner to stay is silly. They have the right to walk away anytime; if pushed far enough, they will.

So, there you go, 5 expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationships.

The critical piece is how women treat their men when they let them down. Instead of talking to them and letting their men know how they feel, they shut down.

And shutting down does nothing but keep the whole cycle of letdown and anger repeating itself, over and over.

If you can make an effort to recognize that your man won’t behave like you or your friends, if you can modify your expectations to something that you know will work for both of you, you will be way more likely to keep your relationship strong.

You can do it!

What Makes a Power Couple? 5 Ways to Know So You Can Be One Too

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Every couple I know would like to know what makes a power couple.

We look at celebrity couples like Michelle and Barack Obama, Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez, Beyoncé and Jay-Z, Megan and Harry, and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (to name a few) and want more than anything for our relationship to be like theirs.

We want love, stability, success, commitment, and power.

We want to be a couple that we can be proud of and one that everyone else admires.

We want a relationship that will withstand time and overcome all obstacles.

Namely, we want to be part of a power couple!

Would you like to know what makes a power couple?

Learn the traits that make a power couple a power couple so that you and your partner can strive to be everything that you want to be?

Let me share them with you now so you can move forward deliberately and make it happen.

#1 – They prioritize each other.

One of the most important traits that make a powerful couple is prioritizing each other.

In this crazy world, with work, kids, families, and life all getting in the way, it’s easy for couples to lose sight of each other.

Power couples, especially, are busy conquering the world, and instead of letting their work get in the way of their relationship, they make it a part of their success story.

Take Megan and Harry, for example. When they got married, from day one, they struggled. The Royal Family, the media, and much of the country seemed to be betting against them.

Harry was used to this way of royal life – he had lived it all of his life. And royal life had been the only thing that he had known. While he struggled with it sometimes, he was devoted to his family and country. Until that is, they started messing with his wife.

As we all know, Harry chose Megan. When he noticed that she was struggling, he stood up for her and turned away from everything he had ever known so that she would be safe and their relationship intact.

Now, look at them – safely ensconced in Santa Barbara, raising a family in a healthy way and taking on the world. He prioritized her. She trusted him. Now they are living happily ever after.

So, if you want to know what makes a power couple, prioritization is key!

#2 – They don’t take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, many relationships fall apart because couples take each other for granted.

They assume their person will always be there for them until they are suddenly not.

When I was married, we were a bit of a power couple. My ex-husband had a high-level job at a world-known company. I was on fire as a real estate agent. We traveled the world, lived in Tokyo and did things other people only dreamed about doing.

I can’t tell you how many times someone told me that they wished they had the life that we had.

And we did have a good life. But, as life went on, we took each other for granted.

We were both so busy that we never made time for each other. We sometimes treated each other disrespectfully because we assumed we would always be there. We stopped putting our relationship first.

As a result, we gradually grew apart. As we did, our power faded. Not being so well connected as a couple sapped the energy out of our relationship, leaving us just another couple, soon to be divorced.

If you want to be part of a powerful couple, never take each other for granted.

#3 – No topic is off-limits.

In literally every pursuit in the world, communication is the key to its success in every pursuit in the world. Having an open dialogue about what is going on around us is how we make a change and move forward.

And when communication falters, so does success.

Imagine two high-level executives at a Fortune 500 company. Imagine if, as they made plans for their business to grow and flourish, they could not talk about it.

Imagine if they found that if they tried to share their goals, the others would only mock them.

Imagine if they hid things from each other, trying to protect the other.

Can you imagine these executives not running this company into the ground because they couldn’t talk about important things?

So it is with a power couple.

A powerful couple can talk about anything and everything. They will be able to talk and know that they will be heard. They will be willing to truly listen and not just think about what they will say next. They will work together through issues. They will be able to resolve things and move forward decisively.

Can you and your partner communicate about everything? Do voices sometimes get raised, but are you generally able to work through things and move on, never holding grudges or being passive-aggressive?

If the answer to this question is yes, you could be part of a power couple!

#4- They share the same goals.

Every power couple shares the same goals and works together to reach them.

I am not saying they need to have the same goals, but they do need complementary goals – like reaching a certain career benchmark or wanting to accomplish something big. Or raising a healthy, stable family.

What can’t happen is one of them sitting quietly on the sidelines, watching the other person have all of the successes.

Back to Megan and Harry. They seem to have very complementary goals.

They are both activists who travel the world, making a difference.

They are parents who prioritize the mental health of their kids.

They strive to be financially independent.

They want to live their own lives.

And they do these things.

While I know they are activists for different causes, they both support and believe in each other’s work. They work side by side, teaching their children to be strong despite their difficult childhoods. They are living the way they want to live and doing an excellent job of working together to be financially independent.

Do you and your partner share similar goals? Do you support each other with those goals and stand beside each other every step of the way?

If yes, then you and your person are most likely a power couple, one that might even change the world.

#5 – They give each other space.

In every couple, there are two people. Two distinct people had separate lives before they came together as one.

Unfortunately, when couples form, sometimes their individuality disappears, and they become less of who they are as a person. They are not worse people, but they might lose touch with themselves.

Giving each other space and letting each other be individuals is one of the key traits that make a power couple!

I remember when Barack Obama was president. Watching him and Michelle navigate their lives in the White House was fascinating.

They were both important people with big jobs, taking care of the country and advocating for better lives for everyone. We often saw them with their children or on a date, a truly happy couple who enjoyed being together.

What I remember even more is the freedom they gave each other. Michelle used to travel the country, following her passions. She took her kids on trips to places she wanted to share with them. He was able to escape the Oval Office to play golf or basketball.

They gave each other space to be who they were as individuals. And that made them a power couple.

Power couples can use up a lot of energy when they are in the same room. Giving each other the freedom to go off on their own to recharge their batteries only makes them stronger when they get back together.

I hope after reading this article you know understand more about what makes a power couple.

Today, Barack and Michelle Obama have one of the most respected relationships in the world – and that’s not because they are glued to each other’s sides daily.

Being like Beyonce and Jay Z or Ben and Jennifer might not be what you want for your relationship. It does seem like a lot of work to be them.

But, even if you want a simple life, you can still be a powerful couple. You can still prioritize each other every day. You can never take each other for granted. You can listen and know you will be heard. You can share the same goals for your future and give each other space.

Doing so will make you the power couple in your family and community. You can bring positivity everywhere and make a big difference in your little universe.

And as a result, your relationship will stay strong and you, too, can get the happily ever after you have always wanted!

5 Reasons Boundaries Are Important For Healing After A Break Up So That You Can Move On

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If there is one thing that I always tell my clients, it’s that boundaries are important for healing after a break up.

So many people go into a breakup feeling nothing but overwhelmed and devastated. They aren’t thinking clearly and, as a result, make many mistakes. Mistakes can cause them a lot of embarrassment and prolong the path to healing necessary to move on.

Like setting goals for a work project, setting boundaries is the key to getting through your breakup and going on with your life quickly, with minimal pain.

What kind of boundaries am I talking about? Name a few:

Figuring out how/when/if you will contact each other for any reason.

If there is a social group to deal with, figure out who will see whom.

Figuring out what social media interactions you will have.

Whatever it is that you need to let go and start healing.

Let me share with you why boundaries are important for healing after a break up so that you can understand and begin to heal.

#1 – Setting your intentions.

By setting boundaries, you set your intentions to get over this break-up and move on.

Think about where you are now. You are devastated if you were broken up with and, most likely, sad if you did the breaking up.

The life you had even a few days ago is completely gone, and you feel unsure about the future.

If you can set boundaries around how you will work through the breakup, you are setting intentions. You are telling yourself, and your ex, that you need certain things to move forward. These boundaries and intentions will help you set guard rails that will keep you from straying off your path toward healing.

Think about how you feel right now, like you want to reach out to them, stalk them on social media, seek closure, or ask their friends about what is happening. None of these things are healthy if you have broken up with them. And if you did the breaking up, reaching out to them to ensure they are okay won’t be helpful either.

If you can set boundaries that will define how you will move forward to get over the breakup, you will be way less likely to do things that won’t help you heal but might even hinder it.

#2 – Making things clear on both sides.

I have a client whose husband just told her, out of the blue, that he wants a divorce. She is devastated.

Ever since he asked for the divorce about a week ago, he has been hounding her about getting lawyers and figuring out the divorce details. He comes over whenever he wants to and sometimes spends the night.

The two things are so contradictory, and it only makes her more and more upset.

One of the biggest issues during breakups is that one person thinks one thing, and the other thinks another.

My client wants her marriage to get together and knows he doesn’t. She is working on accepting that. The pain of seeing him is setting her back. I encouraged her to tell her husband she needed time and space. That if he wanted to come over, he had to notify her. If he gives her time to process what is happening, she will be willing to start discussing divorce details.

Her husband was open to doing what she asked because he knew it would make the divorce happen, which is his ultimate goal. And he needed to see clearly that what he was doing by visiting was not ok, something he had just assumed he could do because that is what he had always done.

#3 – Creating new habits.

With a breakup comes a huge lifestyle change.

When coupled up, our lives often revolve around our partners and what we do together.

Whether it’s a morning walk, a regular lunch date, Monday night TV, or Christmases with family, with a breakup, all those things are thrown asunder.

What exactly are you going to do to fill that free time?

Setting boundaries is the first step towards filling that time.

Both parties must be clear that things are going to change. I know that, for one of my clients, her partner wanted her to continue to have lunch with him so that they could ‘just be friends.’ She didn’t want to be friends and wanted to have lunch with her friends now that she was single again, knowing that seeing her ex would be upsetting.

Another had her ex-husband come over for dinner nightly so the kids wouldn’t be upset at the change. It was devastating for him to do that as, every night after he left, he was devastated that he had to do so.

So, one of the reasons that boundaries are important for healing after a break up is because it allows people to draw a line in the sand that won’t be crossed so that they can start rebuilding their life post break up.

#4 – Holding yourself accountable.

Think about your gym routine. Is it fairly vague? Do you wait until after work to figure out if you are going to go or not, or do you make a plan on Sunday for what days you are going to go that week?

And which way of deciding when to go to the gym works best for you?

I am guessing that when you define a plan for your workouts, instead of playing it by ear, you are more likely to get to the gym as much as you want to.

So does setting boundaries with your ex set you up for success? Why? Because when we define what we want, instead of just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, we can more easily hold ourselves accountable for succeeding.

Let’s say you and your ex decide that you will make an effort not to cross paths, whether at the gym, a bar, or a soccer game. If you both try to make that happen without a plan, it most likely won’t happen. But, if you set a boundary to reach this goal, you will likely succeed.

Perhaps you decide they will only go to the bar on Fridays and leave Saturdays to you. Or to the gym at 5 instead of 6. Or just the Saturday soccer game, but not the Sunday one.

Knowing the plan will make you way more likely to succeed at reaching your goal.

#5 – Planning for the future.

Now that you are no longer part of a couple, it’s time to start looking toward the future.

And you can’t do that if you are still in a holding pattern with your ex.

Setting boundaries will help you look toward the future to see what is next for you.

I know that my client’s husband, who is asking for a divorce, wants to define a timeline for the divorce to make a plan moving forward.

And that is fair. Just like she has the right to define a boundary to give her space, he is allowed to ask for a boundary as to when they will start talking about it. That way, he can look ahead and plan what he needs to do.

A big part of getting past a breakup is to look to the future. Getting mired in the past will only hold you back from healing. That you can set a boundary that will help you look forward, not back, is one reason that boundaries are important for healing after a break up.

So now you can see why setting boundaries is important for healing after a break up.

This is a painful time, and thinking logically might be difficult. But I would encourage you to try to do so.

If you can work with your ex to set boundaries, it will provide clarity and accountability and set you up for a future full of love and happiness!

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