When I was in in college, I spent a summer in Australia. There I met a to-die-for guy, someone who I knew that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. Unfortunately, I was living in Vermont and he was living in Australia. That is quite a distance.
We promised to try to make it work and it did for a time. But, ultimately, we were just too far away from each other and it, unfortunately, died a slow death.
Many people tell me that, in this day of being always connected, it is possible to make a long distance relationship work. And I do agree. Being able to Facetime and text and share pictures on social media does make it easier to stay connected to someone you love who is far away.
BUT, just because you can keep in contact, doesn’t mean that a long distance relationship will definitely work. Of course, they do and can but don’t fool yourself into thinking that it will be easy.
Below is a list of what kills long-distance relationships and how to keep yours from dying so that you can know what you are getting into if you are choosing to be a part of one!
#1 – Jealousy.
Jealousy is one of the most destructive elements of any romantic relationship. Jealousy about a partner’s ex, their friends, their family, anyone who can take their time and efforts away from you.
Of course, every relationship isn’t affected by jealousy but long distance ones can be more vulnerable to its toxic effects.
Why? Because your long-distance partner will be spending way more time with other people then they will be with you. Dinners and movies out, weekends spent with friends, visits from family, all are things that your partner might be experiencing without you. And that doesn’t feel good.
So, be aware that wretched jealousy might rear its ugly head and damage your relationship. Being honest with your partner about how you feel about how they spend their time will go a long way to preventing jealousy that might kill your relationship.
#2 – Lack of effort.
This is a big one. Nothing kills long-distance relationships more than lack of effort.
To make a long distance relationship work, everyone needs to be willing to make a huge effort. An effort to stay in touch. An effort to minimize jealousy. And effort to travel often. An effort to use words of affirmation to make sure their partner knows how they are feeling. Doing the small things that can make someone feel loved.
Of course, it’s important to do these things when you are in every relationship but it is even more so when you are in a long-distance relationship because it is easy to feel disconnected because of how far away you are from each other.
So, what have you done today to make your person feel loved and connected to you? To help them feel confident around your feelings and hopes for the future.
If the answer is nothing, what can you do? Whatever it is, do it now. Help your person feel loved. It will keep your relationship from dying a slow death because of distance.
#3 – Uneven feelings.
This is a really tough one.
I have a client who reconnected with a college beau when she was home visiting her parents. They were separated back in the day when they went in different directions after college but they rediscovered their feelings really quickly. They had a lovely week together and then he headed back to California.
After he left, she told me that she was determined to make the relationship work this time around. She had always regretted letting him go and now that he was back, she wanted to make it work.
She kept in touch regularly by text and talked to him about traveling from Maine to California so that they could spend some time together.
At first, he was receptive to keeping in contact with her and was willing to talk about a potential trip. But, as time went on, he stopped texting so much and made up lots of excuses for her to postpone her trip.
She had a sense that he was pulling back and that made her lean in all the more but all the leaning in in the world couldn’t prevent the relationship from falling apart. Sure, he cared about her, but not enough to make the effort to make a potential relationship work.
So, if you feel like the interest in making this long distance relationship work isn’t even, don’t even try to make it work. Say good bye to your person now, before someone is hurt.
#4 – Horniness.
Yep. This is a pretty important, and obvious, one. People who are in long distance relationship get horny. They just do.
They aren’t having sex with the person they want to have sex with and they aren’t having any at all. And that is not okay, for men especially.
Of course, it is possible to have phone sex, which can be lovely, but it is not the same thing.
The easiest fix to horniness is to travel to see each other. To meet someone to fill up the sex bank, to keep you going until you see each other again. I know that that is not always easy but it important that you try do so. Otherwise, your relationship just might not survive the distance.
#5 – Impatience.
We are all impatient. It is just part of human nature. We want what we want and we want it right now.
With a long-distance relationship, you get very little right now.
You want to see your person. Nope, not now. You want to do things with your person. Nope, not now. You want to explore what it might look like to live together. Nope, not now.
‘Not now’ is the name of the game, every day.
Lots of people wonder if it’s selfish to not want a long-distance relationship for just this reason. They want to be in a relationship with someone they can wake up next to, to go out on a date with, to build a relationship together. Having a long distance relationship makes this impossible. It’s all about waiting until you are together and making the most of that time, and that can be frustrating.
So, if you are thinking about getting into a long distance relationship, know that you are going to have to be very, very patient to make it work.
#6 – No hope for the future.
One of the biggest killers of a long distance relationship is the long game. It is knowing whether or not the time will come that you will ever be together.
What do I mean by the long game? I mean, is there a time, in the future, when you will be together, in the same place, or does the prospect of the long-distance relationship see no end in sight?
Anyone who watches reality TV dating shows knows that this is the killer of most relationships that are formed on these shows. The shows draw people from all over the world and, more often then not, love bonds are created between people who live states, or continents, apart. While they try to make things work after the cameras stop rolling, realizing that moving is not an optoin, ultimately kills the relationship.
No one wants to break up, but it’s just too hard to make it work.
So, if you are in a long-distance relationship, ask yourself if there is an end in sight or if this situation is going to continue in perpetuity and whether or not either choice is okay with you!
#7 – Lack of communication.
People who are in long distance relationship often care about each other very much. I mean, if they didn’t care they wouldn’t be trying to make it work.
Unfortunately, this deep caring can lead to a lack of communication because both people do not want to cause the other any pain, something long-distance relationships can be very vulnerable to.
Perhaps they don’t tell their person how they are feeling about something their partner did that hurt them. Perhaps they aren’t good at sharing their feelings with their partner or forget to send them flowers on a special occasion.
Perhaps they are making plans to travel to see them but don’t share that they are. Perhaps they just forget that they were supposed to address a serious topic that had been put on hold for another conversation.
Whether it is because they don’t want to hurt their person or because they aren’t good communicators or because they just don’t want to communicate at all, this lack of communication can be a long-distance relationship killer.
I have a client whose partner was forced to move away for a few months because he was struggling financially. He didn’t tell her he was planning to do this, he just announced it one day.
She was angry. She hadn’t signed up for a long-distance relationship and was angry that he hadn’t told her about what he was considering.
Even worse, when he moved, he shut down talking to her. He told her he was too depressed to talk some days. He didn’t share any efforts that he was making to come back. He was impatient with her for trying to talk about these things. He didn’t want to hurt her because he wasn’t making any progress so he always changed the subject.
Ultimately, my client said no more and walked away. This lack of communication about a life that she thought they were building together killed everything for her.
Interestingly, my client’s parter was shocked. He didn’t know that what he was doing, not talking about difficult subjects, had caused her so much pain. He was just trying to protect her and not drive her away. And yet he did just that.
#8 – Cheating.
Cheating can destroy any relationship and even more so a long-distance relationship.
Infidelity is often the result of lack of communication. It is about becoming disconnected from someone. Its about the lack of intimacy. It is about pretty much everything that is a given in a long-distance relationship.
As a result, cheating is something that can happen pretty organically.
Why? Because everything that we want in a relationship is right at our fingers. We don’t need to long to see our partner, to stay up late at nights talking on the phone, wondering when we are going to see our person again.
Instead, someone else is right there in front of them, someone they can touch and smell and look at in the eye. Cheating, with an absence of these things from an existing romantic partner, can be irresistible.
The key to preventing cheating is communication. Usually, for someone to cheat, it is the result of weeks or months of becoming disconnected, of not having sex, of being impatient for things to move forward. Instead of letting these issues lead you to cheating on your person, talk with them about how you are feeling. Figure out how you can resolve these issues and keep your relationship together.
After all, cheating is unacceptable and a very painful way to leave a relationship, or, even worse, something that can be very hard to come back from if one stays.
#9 – The high cost of travel.
This last that that can kill a long-distance relationship is pretty straight forward and, unfortunately, something that you can do very little about.
In 2023, travel costs are higher than they have been in years. Airfare is through the roof and hotel rooms are 30% more expensive then in 2019. Millions of people want to travel after Covid-19 so it can be difficult to make travel plans, no matter how small.
Being in a long-distance relationship has always been very expensive because of the things that must be done to keep you connected and the high price of travelling in 2023 makes it even more so, perhaps so much more that travel is just not possible.
I know it is hard to consider the high cost of anything to keep a relationship working but, in this case, the very thing that is necessary to make one work just might not be accessible to you which might, I am afraid, kill your relationship, even if everything else is going great.
Knowing what kills long distance relationships is important to understand before you embark on one.
We all just want to love and be loved and are willing to make the sacrifice of distance from their loved one to make that love work.
And long-distance relationships can work and they do everyday. But they are full of obstacles, obstacles that being aware of is the key to navigating.
So, read this article with your partner. See if you are both on board with making things work as you decide whether or not a long-distance relationship is right for you.
You do not want to waste time if you aren’t both all in. After all, any moment that we waste in our search for love puts off finding the real thing that much further away.
Ok, so you have gotten out of your toxic relationship. Well done! I am sure that it’s the hardest thing that you have ever had to do. You should be proud of yourself.
And now, here you are, probably a shell of who you used to be, feeling lonely, questioning your decision, feeling fearful of the future, unsure of next steps and afraid that you will never love or be loved again.
Let me help!
Every day, women heal from a toxic relationship and all of them felt just the way you do right now at one point. But they worked through those feelings and came out the other side, stronger than they were before, ready to finally live the life they have always wanted to live!
This can be you!
Let me share with you how to heal from a toxic relationship by sharing the nine steps that you must take to do so.
#1 – Set boundaries for yourself.
The first step in healing from a toxic relationship is to set boundaries for yourself.
Now that you gotten out, you are probably wondering what is next. If you don’t know what is next then you might get overwhelmed and go back to your ex.
Examples of boundaries might be:
- Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
- No looking for closure.
- If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
- Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
- Meeting them only in a public place.
If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:
- Not rehashing old wounds.
- Keeping contact business-like.
- Minimizing physical contact
Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.
#2 – Keep a list.
I find this an essential part of recovering from a toxic relationship keeping a list of all the reasons that you had to get out of the relationship.
The brain is an amazing thing it messes with us in ways that are beyond comprehension. One would think that our brain would support us in our efforts to get out of a situation that is bad for us, but no. What the brain does instead is forget all of the reasons why something isn’t good for us and tempts us with the things that were good.
I remember when I had finally escaped from a relationship that wasn’t good for me, my brain was messing with me. It was focusing on all that was good in the relationship and how good things might be if things changed. It was making me miss my guy and vulnerable to his reaching out.
One day I stumbled upon a list that I had made a few months back, one that detailed the things that he did to me that hurt me. There were things on that list that I had totally forgotten about.
I was so glad that I found that list because it reminded me of why I left. I kept that list by my computer, and added to it when I thought of something, as a reminder of why I suffered and why I shouldn’t go back!
#3 – Stick to no contact.
Bar none, this is the MOST IMPORTANT thing to do when you are healing from a toxic relationship. Go no contact with your ex.
This means blocking them on your phone and any apps that you share, avoiding seeing them when you are out in the world, not asking your friends and family how he is doing, whatever it takes to make sure that he can’t reach out to you.
Why is this so important? For two reasons. The first is that, when we get out of any relationship, being in touch with someone is how we get sucked back in. Hearing our ex’s voice, listening to their justifications and them telling you that things will change, all make us vulnerable to letting someone back in.
The second is that being in contact with someone will stop your healing in its tracks.
If you go a month without talking to your ex and you are starting to feel better, having contact with them will only set you back. Many people make this mistake“ they feel like they are strong this time around and so they reach out or take a call from their ex and then they go right back to where they were a month ago in pain.
So, for the sake of your healing and your potential happiness, go ‘no contact’ with your ex. It’s the key to healing from a toxic relationship.
#4 – Keep away from social media.
Part two of the no contact rule is to stay away from social media.
This means blocking, unfriending or unfollowing them any and everywhere and doing so right away.
Why? Because you stalking your ex, keeping tabs on where they are is not good for your healing. Even worse, if something comes across your feed that you weren’t expecting, it will cause you a tremendous amount of pain and that will set you back.
For some reason, this, and blocking someone, is the thing that my clients resist most, even more than seeing their ex in person. The addiction that we all have to social media, the fear of missing out, compels us to keep connected no matter what the cost.
Unfortunately, it is just this addiction that will hold us back from healing.
So did deep, find the strength to let them go on social media and accelerate your healing in a big way!
#5 – Take care of yourself.
Are you reading this article from your couch? Are you still in your pjs, having coffee and ice cream for breakfast? Have you not showered or left the house in days, too despondent to do so?
I get this. I have been there. But it is essential that you only do this for a short while longer and then you get off the couch and start taking care of yourself.
An important part of healing is eating well, getting exercise, getting enough sleep, spending time with people who love you, focusing on things that make happy and not using brain bandwith on the past.
You don’t have to do these things all at once but, to heal, taking care of yourself is essential in the healing process.
After all, recovering from a toxic relationship will take some effort, effort that will be hard to make if you don’t have the strength to do so.
So, spend a few more days on the couch, if you need to, and then get up, shower and get yourself healthy again!
#6 – Do something new.
When we get into relationships, both good and bad, we tend to develop habits. In my marriage, we have a cocktail every night then dinner in front of the TV, bedtime at 10. We have pad thai on Fridays and go to the farmers market on Saturdays. We have a routine that works for us.
When we break up with someone, that routine is tossed to the side and the emptiness that is left can be incredibly hard to navigate. But you can do it.
If Thursday night was always about movies for you and your ex, make sure that you are out with your friends that night. Saturday mornings can be about getting out and going for a good long hike. Perhaps you make something that you and your ex never ate for dinner and watch it in front of a movie that he would never watch.
On a bigger scale, do something that you have always wanted to do but have not been able to do it. Travel somewhere exotic. Take up a new hobby. Make new friends. Something that will shift up your energy in a big way. Something that will help you wake up and see that life can be good. Something that will make you feel good about yourself.
Don’t spend your time wallowing in the past. The future is bright embrace it!
#7 – Surround yourself with loved ones.
When we are in toxic relationships, our relationships with people who love us can fall to the side.
Perhaps your ex used to isolate you from them. Perhaps they didn’t want to spend time with you because the tension was unbearable. Perhaps you pushed them all away when they tried to make you see that your relationship was toxic.
Whatever the reason, if there was ever a time for you to embrace your friends and family, this is it. Surrounding yourself with people who love you is just the medicine that will help you heal.
I know that you might be worried that they won’t want to spend time with you because you have let them down but I can promise you they won’t. All they want for you is for you to be happy and they will support you going through this difficult time to ensure that you are.
So, who can you reach out to right now who loves you and supports you and makes you laugh? You can do it!
#8 – Take it one day at a time.
One of our worst habits is that we spend too much time in the past and WAY too much time in the distant future.
I know that, for many of my clients, the number one thing that sabotages their healing is looking too far ahead.
Instead of thinking about what they need to do today to get themselves through what they are dealing with, they look ahead to the future.
They can’t imagine themselves ever being happy. They can’t see how they will find love again. They believe that they will only ever feel the pain that they are feeling right now.
And, this focus on the future only sets their recovering from a toxic relationship back. They might even be tempted to reach out to their ex in the hopes that, this time, they will get the life and the love they want.
So, try to take it one day at a time. It might be hard but it will help!
#9 – Get help.
We all want to be strong, to take care of ourselves during times of stress and to not have to rely on anyone, particularly a professional, to help them. After all, it is the American way to tough it out and do things on our own.
I get that but, I believe that, sometimes, we all need help getting through a tough time.
If you have been trying hard to get over your toxic relationship but find that you aren’t making the progress that you need to make, reach out to a professional to help you.
As a life coach, I have worked with hundreds of people who have gotten out of toxic relationships and who have successfully healed from them and moved on to find a better life.
I know that it might make you feel weak, but I can promise you that you will not be. You will be strong enough to reach out to someone who can help you with your healing, which can be rare.
And, know that, no life coach or therapist will ever judge you for what you have been through. We have all been there at some point, and we are all here to tell the story of how we got through it.
So, if you are finding that you are struggling to get through the pain of your break up, reach out to someone, like me, to help!
Knowing how to heal from a toxic relationship is not something that we all know intuitively.
We have never done something like this before and trying to figure out next steps can feel daunting.
But you can do this! You can get past the pain of this relationship and find the love and the life that you want.
Just follow the nine steps above and you will see. I promise!
Letting go of a toxic relationship might be the hardest thing that you ever have to do.
After all, even if you know that your relationship is toxic, it might very well be that you still love your partner. Most of my clients find that it is love that keeps them from leaving a bad relationship, even if it isn’t a healthy one.
Fortunately, thousands of people get out of toxic relationships every day. It isn’t always easy but it is possible. And, by doing so, they set themselves up for the potential of having a life time of happiness and finding the love that they seek.
So, how to get out of a toxic relationship? Let me help!
#1 – Accept that you are in one.
For many people, accepting that they are in a toxic relationship can be very difficult. After all, you probably still love this person even if you know that you can’t stay with them.
And, for many people, because they are in the middle of the toxicity, they have a hard time recognizing how bad things are.
Signs of a toxic relationship are:
- Your relationship is volatile. One minute everything is good and then the next there is yelling and tears and everything falls apart.
- You are always unhappy.
- Your family and friends are constantly telling you that your relationship in unhealthy.
- You find yourself losing your mental and/or physical health.
- You hope that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were in the beginning.
Do any of these things sound like you? If yes, you might very well be in a toxic relationship. And, once you can truly accept this, then you will be ready to move forward and take the next step!
#2 – Decide you are going to do it.
Like anything else in your life, if you want to do something, you must not only decide to do it, you must be determined to follow through.
Imagine if you want to stop eating ice cream. That is a big deal and very hard to do. You can choose to tell yourself you aren’t going to eat it but keep some in the fridge. Or rationalize that little bit that you eat when you are out with friends. Instead of being determined to do it, you approach it half-heartedly, hoping things will just work out.
Before you know it, you will be back to the bad habit of eating ice cream.
So it is that one must set their goal of leaving a toxic relationship and dig deep to find the determination to not only do it but follow through.
If you want to end your toxic relationship, you must find it within yourself to do so!
#3 ̢ РTell someone.
One of the key parts of getting something difficult done is to tell someone else that you are going to do it. Why? Because that person can hold you accountable to make sure that you follow through.
I know that you might be telling yourself that you are going to do this, or perhaps you have even told yourself that you were going to do this before, but that, here you are, still in your toxic relationship.
That is because, as we often do, you aren’t holding yourself to the promise that you have made to yourself—”to leave.
This time, do something different. Tell a friend or family member that you are going to do this. Ask them to hold you accountable to the steps that you are going to take to get out of your relationship, something I am sure that they would be happy to do.
Make sure you ask a friend or family member who truly will hold you accountable someone who is wishy washy won’t help you in any way!
#4 -Get your finances in order.
I had a client once who was in a toxic marriage. She knew that she had to get out of it but she was somewhat dependent on her husband to provide for her and her three children. But she knew that the leaving had to happen and so she took the first step towards doing so she got her finances in order.
She had always been a stay at home mom so she got herself a small job. It wasn’t a ton of money but it was something. She opened a bank account for that money and slowing started transferring a bit of the money that she shared with her husband into it as well, building a little nest egg to help her escape.
She also reached out to her parents, to see if they could help her if she needed it. She ultimately didn’t, but she knew that they were there if she needed them.
Perhaps your finances are not an issue and you can skip this step but, if you are financially reliant on your partner, planning ahead will help you get out. After all, this financial piece might be just why are haven’t gotten out yet. Change that!
#5 – Find somewhere to go.
Are you stuck in a house or an apartment with your toxic partner? Are you confident that, if you ask your partner to go, they won’t? Is this one of the reasons why you haven’t ended this relationship yet? Maybe.
It is very important that, before you tell your person that the relationship is over, you find someplace to go. Perhaps you can go to stay with a friend or your family while you get yourself back on track. Perhaps you can find an AirBnB that does weekly rentals. If you can handle it financially, sign a lease on your own place.
Whatever you have to do to ensure that, when you are ready to leave, you have a place to go. For many people, not knowing where they are going to live is enough to make them not leave a relationship, even if they know they should!
#6 – Make a list.
A key part of letting go of a toxic relationship is that you make a list of all of the reasons that you are leaving.
Our brains can be very toxic, keeping us in situations that aren’t good for us. They can easily forget the bad things and only focus on the good things. They can give us hope that things might change or go back to the way that they were in the beginning, if only we try hard enough. They tell us that, if we leave, we will never love or be loved again.
And all of these things won’t help you let go of your toxic relationship.
So, it is time to make a list. Get out a piece of paper or make a new note on your phone. Write down all of the reasons that you want to leave. Take note of specific things that happen. Remind yourself how this relationship makes you feel.
If you can do this very important thing, it will make it much easier for you to leave your relationship. Whenever you are feeling weak or questioning your choice, you can refer to the list and remember why you have made this decision.
Instead of letting your brain take over and only remember the good things, having your list close by will help you stay determined to, once and for all, leave this toxic relationship.
#7 – Engage a therapist or life coach (or see the one you have).
If you have a therapist or a life coach, it is time to call them. If you don’t have one, find one.
You have never (hopefully) ever had to leave a toxic relationship before so you might have no idea how to do so successfully. Having a professional will help you ensure that you have success, sooner than later.
I have worked with many clients to help them get out of a toxic relationship and they say that they couldn’t have done it without me. I am able to be the person who holds them accountable. I am able to be honest with them about what I see, with no personal agenda that a friend might have. I can guide them to resources. I help them process the emotions that have led them to this place. I am their biggest cheerleader. . All invaluable things.
Reach out to your therapist if you have one. If you don’t, find one. BetterHelp.com is a great way to find a therapist. It is all online so you aren’t limited to finding therapists in your area and you can find one who suits your needs anywhere.
OR you could reach out to me! I would be happy to help!
#8 – Block them.
I can not say this one often enough! If you want to successfully leave a toxic relationship, you must block your person. You must block them on your phone so that they don’t reach out and block them on social media so you can’t see what they are doing.
Back in the day, when we went through a break up, the chances of being in contact with our ex was minimal. Now, in these days of cell phones and social media, we have access to our ex and their goings on 24/7. And that access can sabotage our decisions.
Imagine if you find the strength to let go but then continue to keep tabs on what your ex is doing on social media. This could make you miss them or be jealous that they are moving on or confuse your determination to follow through. All of this could sabotage your conviction, putting you right back where you were before.
And, if you don’t block your ex on your phone, one or both of you will be tempted to reach out, opening up another conversation that might lead in a direction other than the one you want to take!
I know it seems like it will be hard but you can do it. And it is the most important piece of this journey one that you can do!
#9 – Take it one day at a time.
If there is anything that can prevent someone from letting go of a toxic relationship it is trying to get too far ahead of ourselves!
If you have been trying to get out of a bad relationship, have you not done so because you are afraid of the future? Are you are afraid that you will not be okay, that you will always be alone, that you will never love or be loved again? If so, you are not alone.
But, you are also not alone in that you aren’t thinking clearly.
Yes, if you walk out on a toxic relationship you might be alone for a while, but I can promise you that you will find love again. That you will be able to get back to a healthy happy life. That you will find yourself again.
I know it’s really hard to visualize that right now and that is ok. What you can visualize right is the next few moments or the next few hours or maybe even what is going to happen tomorrow. Tomorrow is way less unknown then next week or next year.
So, try to keep your eyes down and on tomorrow, not next year. If you can do that, you won’t get overwhelmed and you will be able to walk away. I promise.
Knowing how to get out of a toxic relationship can be incredibly hard to see clearly.
But letting go of a toxic relationship, one that is holding you back from living the life you want, is possible! It might be hard but you can do it!
Just take the time to set yourself up for success define your determination, get some support, set yourself up for financial and living independence, stay clear on why you are doing this and cut off all ties with your ex.
If you can do this, if you can stick to the plan, you too can find the life and the love that you have always wanted.
I promise!
