5 Lies Your Married Men Will Tell You Over and Over

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are in a relationship with a married man and that it’s not going well. Or, perhaps, you are considering getting involved with a married man and you are doing some research ahead of time.

Good for you. Because getting involved with a married man is one of the most heartbreaking, soul crushing things that you could ever do.

Why? Because your entire relationship will be based on lies, some of them lies he doesn’t even know that he is telling.

There will be many lies that your married man will tell you – here are 5 of them.

#1 – That you are his top priority.

Does your married man always tell you that you are his top priority. That every choice he makes and everything that he does is with you at the top of his mind?

Even as he says these things, do his actions speak louder than his words? I am guessing yes – that you never, ever feel like a priority.

How can a man make you a priority when you are a secret? Your married man essentially has two lives – the real one in which he has a wife, a family, a social life, a career, perhaps even a pet, and then the one he has with you, inside your little bubble.

And societal exceptions are such that your married man must step up and take care of his family and his work and therefore, he must choose them every time. If he doesn’t, and he can’t give reason to why he is slacking, your man will lose face. He won’t feel like the man who he should be, living up to his responsibilities, and he won’t feel good about that.

So know that, every time, he will make his real life the priority, even if he doesn’t believe that he will. He will choose his real life over your birthday and when you are sick or when you are lonely.

I do believe that your married man might believe that he makes you a priority but the reality is that, even if he wanted to, he just can’t.

#2 – That he will leave his wife.

I know – this is one you lie you will hear over and over and over – that he will leave his wife and you will be together.

And, as much as your guy might want to believe that he will, he won’t.

Why? Because it’s not just about leaving his wife. It’s about leaving his kids and his social group and damaging his finances and disappointing people he cares about.

I have a client whose affair partner told her that he was ready to leave his wife. His wife had learned about the affair and was making his life miserable and he wanted out.

His wife gave him thirty days to make a choice – his wife or his affair partner. And, even though for 2 years he had told his affair partner that he wanted out of the marriage, and swearing that this time he was going to do it, he didn’t leave his wife. He stayed with the wife he didn’t want to be married to but also with the kids and the grandkids who he loved very much.

I know that you are thinking that your married man cares about you – very much – and that things will be different with you. And I am sure that he wants to be with you as well but, I am afraid, only in a parallel world – one where he can be with you and not hurt those he loves and destroy his finances.

#3 – That you are his soul mate.

Every single client I have ever had who had an affair told me that their affair partner was their soul mate. That they had a connection like none other and that they were cosmically meant to be together. I felt that way too, when I was having an affair with a married man, so I get it.

But, it’s bullshit, I am afraid.

The two of you have come together in a bubble. Everything that you share is magical because the time you have together is brief and intense. You don’t have to fight about money and kids.  You have amazing sex. You can tell each other anything. You even say you trust each other.

The reality is is that, on the most basic level, this guy is not your soul mate. How could your soul mate be someone who treats you this way. Someone who breaks promises and doesn’t do what he says he is going to do.

And, be honest with yourself. If you were with this guy in the real world, not the guy you believe that he could be but the guy he is right now, would you really live happily ever after? Or do you see some serious red flags that might have caused you to walk away from someone who wasn’t married and with whom you were just dating?

If you insist on thinking that your affair partner is your soul mate, consider this:  Elizabeth Gilbert, in “Eat Pray Love,†avers that soul mates are people who come into your life, shake things up and then walk away. And isn’t this what this guy has done? Hasn’t he woken you up to what you want in a relationship? Hasn’t he made you question how you make choices? Hasn’t it made you remember how good sex can be? Maybe you should walk away from your married man and find out who exactly YOU can be!

Again, while your married man might say that you are his soul mate, when you are lying in your bed at 2am, lonely again, ask yourself whether what he says is true.

#4 – That he doesn’t want to hurt you.

I am guessing that your affair partner tells you every day that he doesn’t want to hurt you. That he loves you and that you are his priority and that any pain that he causes you causes him pain as well.

And I’m guessing that he means it, to an extent. But if he really didn’t want to hurt you, he would give you what you needed instead of telling you one thing and doing something differently, instead of stringing you along, making you miserable.

Nobody wants to hurt someone who they care about. Your affair partner doesn’t want to hurt you, but he also don’t want to hurt his wife or his children so, in order to not hurt you, they must hurt them. And vice versa. And he knows this.

Again, this one is most likely not an intentional lie, and it is something that he says that he doesn’t want to do but it is something that he will do over and over.

So every time your partner says that he doesn’t want to hurt you, just know that he’s lying. That he will continue to hurt you over and over because he will never make you a priority and will choose to hurt you over hurting his wife and family.

#5 – That his unhappiness is all his wife’s fault.

I also have to say, quite bluntly, that it’s just bullshit if your married man is telling you that him being unhappy is all his wife’s fault.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients tell me that their affair partner’s wife refuses to have sex with them, or treats them horribly or never listens to them or has lost all respect for them or any other horrible thing that he believes to be true in his marriage.

But think about it. I’m sure you have friends who are in unhappy relationships, and they don’t always treat their partners as well as they might because of their unhappiness. I am sure you have even been there. None of them are bad people – they are just unhappy.

And bad behavior doesn’t happen in a void. One person doesn’t just become evil while the other one stands innocently by, unbelieving.

Remember, there are two people in every relationship and two different perspectives about that relationship. If you believe that your affair partners wife is everything that he says she is, you’ll just be believing a lie.

Furthermore, know that,  if you do end up with him, you might someday be the person he will blame if your relationship has trouble. You want to be with someone who recognizes his role around difficulties in a relationship and not blame them all on someone else.

So there you go, five lies your married men will tell you, over and over and over.

Nobody wants to lie and, more likely not, your married man doesn’t believe that he is lying. He believes that he is the man he is presenting to you. He believes that you are his top priority and that he will leave his wife and that you are his soulmate and that his unhappiness is his wife’s fault. But the reality is, he is a product of wishful thinking. He is somebody who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is someone who hasn’t taken any responsibility for issues in his relationship.

As a result, to protect himself, he lies, over and over.

Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who lies to you again and again? If your married man wasn’t married and you were just in a regular relationship, would you put up with these kind of lies?

I’m guessing not.

Don’t put up with them in this situation. Walk away…you deserve more.

9 Things that Make Men Vulnerable to Having an Affair

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I believe that no one sets out to have an affair. That affairs are things that, more often than not, result from issues entirely unrelated to the affair itself.

Understanding what those issues are so that they can be dealt with before an affair destroys lives is the best way to keep one’s love life healthy and on track.

#1 — Loneliness.

This is probably the most obvious reason that someone might embark on an affair. If one is lonely, they are vulnerable to getting into any kind of relationship, including an affair.

Many men are exhausted from dating apps and wasted time going on dates with women who aren’t right. When someone appears in their life, married or not, who they are emotionally and physically attracted to, they see someone who can assuage their loneliness.

Unfortunately, this “cure†for loneliness will be a fleeting one as being involved in an affair ultimately only leads to more loneliness and despair.

Don’t use loneliness as excuse to get involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with — and don’t use it as an excuse to stay in an affair when you know that you shouldn’t!

#2 – Feeling ignored.

For many of my male clients, feeling ignored is a big factor in why they get involved with someone who isn’t their partner.

In many relationships, particularly long term ones or ones with children, men go from being a priority in their partner’s life to being someone who is pretty far down on the priority list. And, because men don’t like to make a fuss, they tend to keep quiet about their dissatisfaction with their place on the ladder.

Unfortunately, staying quiet only fuels the unhappiness of being ignored which makes a man vulnerable when another person comes along, someone who does make them a priority and makes them feel loved.

#3 – Needing sex.

Men need sex. Women do too of course but, for most men I have spoken to, sex is a driving force in their lives, something they think about almost every minute of every day.

When a man is in a relationship with someone who they used to have sex with but with whom sexual encounters are now rare, they often develop a yearning for sex that can, at times, be overpowering. Even worse for many men, their partners continue to have sex with them but only because they feel like they must.

As a result, when someone comes along who not only will have sex with them but who fully desires them, cheating becomes a previously unconsidered possibility. Their sexual drive can take over from their logical thinking and they can fall into infidelity before they even know it.

#4 — Commitment issues.

I know that it almost seems like a trope that men have commitment issues but, like women, they do.

Perhaps they have been deeply hurt before and don’t want to be again. Perhaps they are afraid of abandonment such as a parent did to them. Perhaps they don’t want to give up their independence. Perhaps they are concerned their career will suffer. Perhaps they just aren’t ready to settle down.

For whatever reason, men who are in relationship often self-sabotage because of these fears.

Why are men who have commitment issues vulnerable to having an affair? Because in an affair, particularly if your affair partner is married, you don’t have to commit. In an affair you get to have fun times and sex when you want it and then go back to your regular life and to the partner you are scared to commit to.

Do you have commitment issues? If yes, consider if that’s why you are considering this affair and how it relates to those issues and consider if perhaps addressing those commitment issues instead of ignoring them would be a good idea.

#6 – Something big is happening.

Many of my clients have had affairs when something big is happening in their lives.

One client had an affair when their mother was dying. One had an affair when they lost their job. One had an affair when they were struggling with depression.

Why does having something big happening in one’s life tie into having an affair?

Because affairs give people the hit of dopamine, that feel-good chemical, that helps them manage their emotions temporarily. An affair distracts them from the difficulties of the world. In an affair, they most likely have a partner they can discuss difficult issues with safely.

So, if you are going through something big and are reading this article, know that considering having an affair might be directly related to that.

#5 — Their father did it.

I know — we all believe that we can break away from the patterns that our fathers taught us. After all, we are younger and wiser and times have changed, correct? Nope.

My father had affair after affair and they played out all through my childhood and adolescent years. I remember going to the office with him when I was in third grade and knew that the woman I met was having an affair with my dad. Over the years, my siblings and I were lied to and deceived and watched our mom fall further into despair. We had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.

So, what happened? I had an affair. I knew that I was repeating history, but I just couldn’t stop it from happening (or I could but didn’t fight it hard enough!)

Did your father cheat? If yes, try to break the generational trauma and don’t let yourself sink down into an affair.

#6 — The past.

One of my clients had an affair on his wife with his college girlfriend. They had reconnected by chance online. Their relationship had ended badly but as soon as they met up all the old feelings came rushing back. Soon, they were involved in an affair that was exciting and took them back to their glory days. Unfortunately, their trip down memory lane hurt a lot of people.

In this time of ubiquitous social media, this happens way too often. People reconnect with an old love and it takes them back their younger days, when the future was bright and love was easy. That being said, the past is the past and your ex is your ex for a reason.

So, don’t be fooled into thinking that a past love is the right person for you. They aren’t! (Bummer, I know!)

#7 — An unhappy marriage.

This is most the most common reason that men have affairs — because they are in an unhappy marriage.

I always say that people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their life. That some piece of their marriage is missing and that it’s easier to move on to someone new than try to address the issue at home.

And to make things even worse, when someone’s emotional and/or physical needs are being met elsewhere, the desire to work on a relationship vanishes so those issues just never get addressed. As a result, the need for the affair persists – a dangerous thing for all.

#8 – Self esteem issues.

Many men who enter into affairs have self-esteem issues.

Some of these issues are deep seated, hailing back from childhood. Some are the result of being in an unhappy relationship where they aren’t treated well. Some are the result of life circumstances, like losing a job.

Whatever the reason, men with self-esteem issues are very vulnerable to having an affair. Why?

Because the affair makes them feel good about themselves. They feel loved. They feel heard. They feel wanted and are praised for their sexual prowess. And they get that feel-good dopamine hit that can immediately raise someone out of a dark place, albeit temporarily.

#9 – Wanting to be admired.

We all want to be admired for who we are and how we look and the things that we do.

Unfortunately, for people in long term relationships, admiration often has been put to the side. It’s not necessarily because the partners no longer admire each other (although that is often the case after a thousand little cuts over the years). It’s because people start taking each other for granted. They no longer see the things that they used to praise their partner for. They don’t do it on purpose but they do do it.

People having affairs are awash with admiration. Their affair partner thinks that they are perfect, that everything they do is perfect, and they tell them that repeatedly. Unfortunately, like any relationship, with time this seeing your person as the ideal fades as their humanness becomes evident so an affair is a short term fix to a long term problem.

So there you go – 9 reasons why a man might be vulnerable to having an affair.

No one wants to have an affair. No one wants to cheat on someone they care about or do something that doesn’t feel good. But affairs happen, for a variety of reasons.

If someone can understand what it is in him that might be leading him down the path to an affair, he just might seek a means of addressing those issues before things get out of control.

5 Things to Consider Before Dating Again After a Long-Term Marriage

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Are you thinking about dating again after a long-term marriage? Are you newly divorced and eager to get out there into the world of dating?

Is the idea of doing so incredibly scary?

For me, and for many of my clients, the idea of dating after divorce was very intimidating but we did so nonetheless, eager to find love again. And many of us did find that love and you can too!

The key to finding that love is going into dating consciously so that you can do things differently this time round and find the person, and the relationship, you seek.

#1 – Take your time.

Many people who are interested in dating again after a long-term marriage jump in too quickly. I know that you are probably feeling lonely and scared that you’ll never find someone to love but rushing into it, just like rushing into anything, can lead to failure and heartbreak.

A general rule of thumb for someone for when to get into a new relationship is two years after the divorce is final. This doesn’t mean you can’t start dating before that, but getting into a new relationship is not a wise move.

For those of us who have been divorced for a while, when we encounter someone who is newly separated or still not divorced, we steer clear. Why? Because people who are newly separated or still going through their divorce are people who are very emotional. They are people who are very vulnerable. They are people who require more care than somebody wants to give in the early stages of dating.

Just a few months after my husband left me, I fell into a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be the love of my life. He was hesitant about getting into a relationship with me, but was willing to do so because our connection was so strong. However, I was still very emotional about everything that was happening and he just didn’t have the patience for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, but he had been through his own divorce and he didn’t want to relive it again.

So, if you are thinking about dating again, I encourage you to take those first steps if you want to, but to not jump into a relationship until you’re done fully, processing your emotions around the end of your marriage and the technicalities of your divorce.

#2 – Make sure you know what went wrong in your marriage.

A mistake that many people who start dating again after a long-term marriage make is not taking some time to figure out why their marriage ended.

The divorce rate for people in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate for people in first marriages. Why? Because people don’t try to understand what happened in their marriage. They just jump into a second marriage because they are unhappy being alone or are looking for the financial security that one gets in a marriage. However, they don’t know what went wrong in their first marriage, what their role in the demise of that marriage might’ve been. As a result, they make the same mistakes in their new relationship.

Have you taken the time to reflect on your marriage? Do you understand the things that led to the divorce? Do you understand your role in the end of your marriage?

If you have done your work, proceed with the dating and have fun! If you haven’t, I would encourage you to take the time to do so. Perhaps talking to a therapist or a life coach who can help you step back and take a look at what happened would be very helpful.

Even if you aren’t thinking about dating again, taking the time to reflect on your long-term marriage and what you might have done differently will be an excellent step as far as healing as you move forward.

#3 – Take stock of what you want to be different.

Once you have taken the time to understand what went wrong in your marriage, now it’s time to take stock of how you want things to be different in your new relationship.

Many people make a list of the traits they they want in the person they’re looking for, and that is helpful, but it’s important to understand more about how someone makes you feel as opposed to traits that they have.

After all, you could find a guy who is really funny but perhaps he makes you feel insecure. Or somebody who’s financially successful but who makes you feel abandoned.

I would encourage you to start with making a list of the traits you would like to see in someone and then taking stock of what of how that trait would make you feel.

If you’re looking for somebody who enjoys quality time, what does that look like for you, specifically? If you’re looking for someone who will love your children, how must they make you feel about that?

Just like we do in any area of our life, we take the time to define what we want in any situation. If we don’t do this, it’s really hard to get what we want.

#4 – Make sure you are dating for the right reasons.

It is essential that, if you want to start dating again after your divorce, you are doing so for the right reasons.

As previously stated, many people jump back into dating for the wrong reasons. It’s not so much that they are ready to fall in love again, as it is that they are feeling insecure about their place in the world. After being part of a couple for many years, suddenly being on their own out in the world is a scary thing. Perhaps they’re worried about financial security. Perhaps they’re scared that they’ll never love or be loved again. Perhaps they just are uncomfortable being alone.

Do you know why you want to start dating again? Is it because your friends are pressuring you to do so? Is it because you don’t enjoy being the odd man out in social situations? Is it because you need someone around to help you manage your car and your taxes?

As you take stock of what you want in a new relationship, also take stock of whether right now is the time for you to start dating or if perhaps you’re not quite ready.

Doing so for the wrong reasons might only lead to heartbreak, something you really don’t need any more of after your divorce.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

An essential part of dating again after the end of your marriage is taking care of yourself.

Dating is hard. It’s something you haven’t done for a while and something that you are out of practice at.

Dating takes a lot of focus and energy, things that can be hard to access in this crazy world we live in. Focusing on dating exclusively might lead to you not putting energy into other places in your life, like your work or your kids which would not be good.

Dating also involves rejecting and being rejected. It can lead to heartbreak. It can lead to insecurity. It’s important that you have awareness of this before you go into dating and that your self-esteem is strong enough to manage it all.

I know I’m making it seem like dating is a horrible thing, and maybe even discouraging you from trying it, and that is not my goal. I had a lot of fun on dates and made some great friends, including someone who introduced me to my now husband. But dating is fraught and delicate and frustrating so make sure that, as you go through this journey, you don’t neglect your self-care.

Make sure that you spend time with friends, do things that you love, get enough sleep, food, and exercise. All of these things will keep you emotionally and physically strong as you embark on this journey. In any case, these things are essential to living a good life.

So there you go – 5 things to take into consideration before embarking on dating again after long term marriage.

Good for you for feeling brave enough to get out in the world and do something that you haven’t had to do for a long time. It’s not an easy thing to even consider dating again after divorce, but the fact that you are trying to learn more about if and when you should get started will lead you to success.

So make sure you don’t hurry into a new relationship. Make sure you know what you want and what went wrong in your marriage. Take care of yourself.

Enjoy the ride. You have a whole new life ahead of you and you will find the love you see. I promise.

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