5 Pros and Cons of Dating a Married Man

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Let me say first and foremost that having an affair with a married man is a really bad idea. For so many reasons.

If you are having one, you probably know this. If you are thinking about having one, read this article carefully!

Years ago, I had an affair with a married man so the information that I share below I know first hand. I also know, from my clients, that they are true of every woman having an affair with a married man.

Without further ado, here are 5 pros and cons of dating a married man so that you can be aware of what you are getting yourself into.

Pro: You won’t have to commit.

For many women, committing to a relationship is not something that they are interested in.

Whether it’s because they have a life they don’t want to change or whether they aren’t willing to make their heart vulnerable, they are happy to have something on the side but don’t want to have to be obligated.

Con: You will be alone more than you want to be.

Of course, if we choose to not commit and to have space that is great. But, if we WANT to spend time with our person it won’t feel good that they , more often than not, will not be available.

Why? Because your married man has a family and a life. Those things will always come first.

Pro: You will feel love like you have never felt before.

When you are involved with a married man, you will be living inside a bubble, a bubble without extended family or financial worries or kids issues. As a result, your love will only feel wonderful and you will believe that the two of you are soulmates, destined to  live happily ever after.

Con: That love will be not be enough.

You live in a bubble. The time you share just isn’t a reflection of real life. Therefore, you are in love with a man you don’t really know, a man who exists for you without all the issues of real life.

I know that when I got to start spending time in the real world with my married man, I found out that he was BORING and I had to walk away.

Two red hearts with a broken one on them.

Pro: You will be promised the world.

Married men are so thankful that they have someone to love them and have sex with them and listen to their tales of woe that they are willing to do anything to keep their lover.

And they truly believe that they are strong enough to follow through and leave their wife and you will live happily ever after.

Con: They will (often unintentionally) be lying to you.

Married men truly do believe that they will do what they say that they are going to do – leave their wives. But, the reality is, I have never known a man to leave his wife and, if he does, he only does it for a short while and then he goes back home.

The reason that your married man won’t leave his wife is not because he doesn’t love you enough but because leaving his wife means leaving his family, wrecking his finances and damaging his social life, all things that he has spent years building and things that he doesn’t want to abandon.

Pro: You will believe that you have found your soul mate.

As I said before, many women who have affairs with married men believe that they have found their soulmate. The one person who truly gets them and who gives them the love that they have always sought.

Con: You haven’t

How can the person who is your soulmate hurt you over and over and over? How can they make you promises and not follow through? How can they say that you are the most important thing in the world to him and then not be there when you want or need them?

Pro: You will feel beautiful and sexy and lovable.

Sure, you will feel all of those things when you are dating a married man.

Your relationship is fresh and new and that is when women feel most loved.

Furthermore, your married man will admire the independent woman that you are, out in the world, living your life while he is stuck in an unhappy marriage.

And, of course, he believes that you are his soul mate and his life raft and he will flood you will platitudes and gifts and moments of pleasure because he wants to keep you happy enough.

Con: You will lose yourself.

I know that when I met my married guy, I was a confident single person in the world. I had just moved to NYC, I was fitter than I had ever been in my life, I was building a business and had great friends.

And, then, I met him and, for a while things were great. Until they weren’t.

The broken promises, the not being a priority, the time spent a long, the hopelessness that I felt for the future all brought me to my knees.

I was a shell of the person I was before I met him, a shadow that didn’t go away until I walked away.

So there you go, 5 pros and cons of dating a married man.

There are many more cons that I could share with you but I will leave it there. I am guessing you get the idea.

Again, I am not advocating for having an affair with a married man. As a matter of fact, I wish I could reach through this blog and warn YOU of the dangers that lie ahead if you go down this road.

But, it’s up to you to make this decision. Think long and hard before you do – you will be happy you did!

7 Ways Super Effective Ways to Deal with Anxiety after a Break Up

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There is truly nothing worse than a break up.

Whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with, it’s the end of an era.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams about the relationship can be devastating and having any hope for the future can be impossible.

And I get it. I have been there.

That being said, this break up is just a period of time that you have to go through. The pain will end. You just need to figure out how to ride it out in the meantime.

To help you do so, I have compiled 7 effective ways to deal with anxiety after a break up so that you can get through this period of time and move on.

#1 – Be careful with social media.

For many of my clients, when they are going through a break up, they spend an incredible amount of time on social media trying to process what happened.

They go on TikTok or Instagram or whatever and find whatever information that they can to either understand why they were broken up with or to help them justify doing the breaking up.

And there is a TON of information out there to suit their needs. Unfortunately, there is so much information that it is very easy to go down a rabbit hole and never come back up.

I always encourage my clients to take one week and do this. To dig into whatever it is they need to dig into. And then, after 7 days, to stop.

Why? Because by focusing on what happened, on the past, they won’t be able to manage the anxiety that they feel after a break up. They will spend so much time focusing on it, processing it, talking about it with strangers, comparing themselves to some nebulous person in a far away place who might be totally different from them, that they have no opportunity or motivation to move forward.

After a week, it’s time to go down another rabbit hole – how to move forward after your break up and build the life that you want. There is a ton of inspirational information out there to support you. And that is the kind of support you want – positive support.

So, be care about your social media use. You will be glad you did!

#2 – No contact and no stalking.

This is SO important. Maybe even more important than anything else. You must have no contact with your ex and you must absolutely not stalk them in any way.

I know that the inclination to have “one more talk†with your ex (or accept their request for one more talk) for closure or whatever is powerful but interacting with your ex is only going to cause you more pain and anxiety. Closure is just an excuse to be together one more time and hope that things end differently.

Also, the temptation to look for your ex online, to see what they are doing and if they are happy and if they have moved on is one you must resist at all costs! You do not need to see how your ex is. They are your ex and that is that. I know that whenever I google old exes I regret it!

And remember, no one posts their bad stuff on social media so all you will see is your ex enjoying their life and that just won’t make you feel good.

Ideally, you would block your ex on your phone and on social media because that will prevent there being any opportunities to reach out. Many people really struggle to do this, however, and, more often than not, fall back into old patterns. All I can say is know that not having contact with them is the key to healing!

#3 – Consider past break ups.

I am guessing that you had break ups in the past, yes?

And was the pain that you felt after the break up intense? Yes?

Maybe you are thinking to yourself that that pain wasn’t anywhere near as painful as your current pain but I can promise you it was – you just don’t remember. Our bodies don’t let us hold on to pain – it would be hard to live fully if you remembered all the pain that you felt in the past.

Anyway, after past break ups you were probably in a lot of pain and YOU GOT OVER IT! That is the thing to remember. That you have suffered before and gotten through it and you will get through this break up as well.

And remember, there is always someone on the other side of a break up. I know that you might not believe it now but there is!

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

For many people who are struggling with anxiety after a break up, they feel bad about themselves and they isolate with Netflix and ice cream. And, while this is okay to do for a while, it is important that you shut it down sooner than later.

Spending time with people who love you is exactly what you need right now. People who remind you how wonderful you are. People who make you laugh. People who have helped you ride out the hard times before.

You know who those people are – reach out to them.

A group of young people standing next to each other.

#5 – Set a goal for yourself.

I remember when I went through a particularly bad break up (with, silly me, a married man), after I cried for a while I picked myself up and decided that I needed to live my life. That I couldn’t let him stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

So I set my eye on doing two things – building my coaching business and hiking to 17,000 feet mountain in Peru. It took some time and some effort but I did both. And, in the process, not only did I distract myself from the pain that I was feeling because I was so busy, I also rewired my brain to think differently than I did when I was in the relationship.

Also, once I accomplished those goals I felt so damn good about myself! I knew that I wouldn’t have done those things had I stayed in the toxic relationship. I knew that I could accomplish anything if I put my mind to it, even if I was alone. (Which I wasn’t, for long)

#6 – Don’t play the victim.

For so many people, after a break up, play the victim.

They believe that they did nothing wrong and that their ex was a toxic person and the cause of everything that went down. And your ex might have been a toxic person but they weren’t the cause of everything that went wrong.

There are two people in every relationship and two people responsible for it breaking down.

Yes, perhaps your partner treated you badly but did you let him do so for longer than you should have? Were you too scared to speak up for yourself and allow the abuse to continue? Did you ignore huge red flags, hoping that everything would turn out?

No judgement here – we all do that. But the key is to remember that you bear some responsibility for the break up. Taking ownership of your part and being determined to do things differently next time will help you manage your anxiety after your break up in a big way.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

This is one of the most obvious, and perhaps the hardest, things to do after a break up – to take care of yourself!

I know that Netflix and ice cream is very attractive but if you aren’t eating well or getting off the couch or getting enough (or too much) sleep,  your anxiety will stay through the roof.

Do spend a week or so, if you need to, mourning the end of the relationship but then get up off the couch and get outside. Take a walk. Go for a bike ride. Eat some healthy food. Get enough sleep. Whatever the magic pill is for you to help you feel better while you are getting through this difficult time!

I know that it feels like managing your anxiety after a break up is next to impossible.

Anxiety is hard to manage and when it’s paired with a broken heart it’s even harder.

But it is possible to manage your anxiety with a little effort and awareness and you can do it!

And remember, this period of pain will pass. It might not go away completely for a while. But everyday that you don’t have contact with your ex is a day that you will be closer to healing. The way you are feeling now is not the way you will feel forever!

I promise!

 

7 Ways to Rekindle Love with Your Wife

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Marriage is long and hard and it’s easy for married couples to lose their way. To start taking each other for granted and to, sometimes, fall out of love.

But there are ways to rekindle love with your wife, if you are willing to make the time and the effort to do it. And it’s not that hard to do…you have done it before, when you were falling IN love.

What I would encourage you first and foremost to do is to talk to your wife about how you feel and what you want to do. That you are feeling some space in your marriage and that you are interested in finding each other again. It is important that both spouses are on board. If she just isn’t interested, don’t waste your time.

I did have a male client who worked for months to rekindle his marriage, only to have her ask for a divorce in the end. She was just going through the paces, not really invested in the outcome of his efforts.

So, after you have checked in with your spouse and agreed to move forward, here are 7 ways to rekindle your love with your wife.

#1 – Do things that you used to do together.

Remember when you and your wife first met, the things that you used to do together, the things that you did together that led to your falling in love?

Do you still do any of those things? I am guessing probably not. And if you do still do them, you probably don’t do them very often.

The past can be a powerful thing. Think about how you feel when you hear a song from your youth or smell something that reminds you of something in your past. Can’t you “feel†those things. Don’t they take you back to a moment in time that you can feel in your body, even if just for a moment?

So you can do with your wife, to help reignite your love.

I have a client who told me that, when he and his wife dated before their marriage, they did two things every weekend. They went for a long hike and took themselves out for margaritas afterwards. Getting up early in the morning and being on the trail before everyone else made them feel so close and earning those margaritas together made them feel like they were a team.

Since they have gotten married, those weekends together have disappeared. To be fair, weekends can be consumed with kids’ activities or work or commitments to extended family. But, also to be fair, some of their weekends were free. And yet, they didn’t take advantage of those free weekends to spend any time together.

I would encourage you to make the time to do the things that you and your wife used to do together. Get a babysitter for the kids. Plan ahead and have it on your calendar so that nothing else gets in they. Whatever it takes for you to spend time together doing the things that you used to love to do.

#2 – Do new things together.

On the flip side, I always encourage men who are looking to rekindle love with their wives is to do new things together.

We all tend to get into ruts, to do the same things over and over and over, especially when we have been married for a long time. And that kind of stagnation can kill the love in a marriage.

So, what are things that you and your wife can do together that is new? It can be as simple as going for a walk together every night or something a little more complicated like learning how to dance. Anything that will involve the two of you, side by side, learning something new that shakes up your life just a little bit.

#3 – Touch each other.

Be honest. How often do you and your wife touch each other? Other than maybe the occasionally married people sex, do you have the same kind of physicality that you used to have before you were married.

While I know that having more sex would be lovely, I would encourage to you to invest in a simpler form of physical touch – hugs and hand holding. Why? Because human beings communicate better with actions than words. Words can sometime come out wrong – a hug is always a hug. Something that makes you feel good.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can bring a couple together. And holding hands while driving in the car or taking a walk will connect you in a way that almost nothing else can.

So, take the time to touch your wife. It might feel weird to do at first if it’s something that you haven’t done for a while but you will grow to enjoy it very much. I promise.

rekindle love in your marriage

#4- Learn each other’s love language.

For many people, when they try to make their partner feel loved, they give their partner what they would need to feel loved. And then they don’t understand why it doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is because what one person needs to feel loved might not work for another person. So, their efforts are in vain.

This is where the love languages come in. In theory, there are 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gift giving. If you can speak to your partner in their love language, they will feel loved.

When I was married, we didn’t know about the love languages. If we had, we would have known that my love language was quality time and his physical touch and we would have stopped giving each other acts of service!

So, learn each other’s love languages. It’s easy to do. Just go on to this website and take the quiz. Do it together!

#5- Use your words.

I hear the same thing over and over, from men and from women. “He/she doesn’t need me to tell them I love them. They know.†And, I tell them, over and over, that it isn’t necessarily true!

People need to hear that they are loved. That someone thinks that they are beautiful. That someone is proud of something that has been accomplished. It’s just human nature – affirmations can make us feel love and connected and nurtured.

So many couples, while they might have been good at this in the beginning, stop telling their partner how they feel about them as time goes on. As a result, neither one of them feels loved and connected and their feelings for each other fade.

This can be easily stopped if you both just start speaking up about what you see and how you feel.

I don’t mean to love bomb your partner. That won’t feel authentic. But when she walks in the room, tell her how great she looks. I promise you, the effects will be immediate.

#6 – Regular Check Ins.

I remember the summer that my husband and I decided to have a drink together every night after work. It was something that we had stopped doing once our kids took over our lives.

The pattern was that he would come home form work and I would be in the middle of dinner and homework and I would put him right to work. We would do everything that we needed to do for the rest of the night, falling into bed, exhausted, barely having acknowledged each other.

And this only disconnected us.

So, make an effort to check in at least weekly with your partner, even more if possible. Learn about what is going on in each other’s lives. How each other is feeling. What to can to support each other. Rebuild your connection so that you feel close to each other in a way you haven’t done for a while.

#7 – Talk about the future.

Talking about the future is something that couples do regularly when they are first together. Those heady days of falling in love and visualizing what the future could hold.

Unfortunately, talking about dreams for the future often gets put on hold during the chaos of married life. And, if there are dreams being considered, they are often just for oneself and not for a couple.

Talking about the future is a verbalization that you see each other together going forward. A confirmation that you know that your hopes and dreams for the future, no matter how distant, are aligned. This is an essential part of feeling connected.

My ex-husband and I used to talk about the future often. We were nervous about it because our marriage was struggling but still we talked about it. When he stopped wanting to talk about the future, I knew that it was a sign that our marriage was over.

So, keep looking ahead with your wife. It will make you excited about things to come!

I hope that you now see that it is possible to rekindle love with your wife.

I know that some of the things that I have listed might seem a little bit intimidating and of course they do – most or even all of them are things that you are out of practice doing. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start up again.

You can do it!

 

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