I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
Traditionally, signs of cheating have been obvious. The cheater spends more time away from home. They can be difficult to reach. They aren’t always honest about how they spend their time. Perhaps a stray love letter or text gets discovered.
And, while those things can be signs of infidelity, there are signs of a cheating spouse that are harder to identify. Knowing what they are might help you glean the truth about what is happening in your marriage so that you can decide next steps for yourself!
Take a good look at your spouse (something that perhaps you haven’t done for a while because they are, well, your spouse and you don’t notice them as much as you used to?).
Do you see anything different? Are they wearing their hair differently? Are they wearing something that you have never seen before? Are they shaving places that they haven’t groomed for years?
For many people who embark upon affairs, the things that they had neglected for years, like how they dress or how they present themselves, often get renewed attention.
For people who are cheating, they want to look good for their person. They want to feel desirable. They might even want to mold themselves into someone their person might want them to be.
So, does your spouse look even a little bit different than they usually do? If yes, there is a chance that it could be a sign that they might be cheating.
I know, I know. Why should you go pawing through the garbage to find signs that your spouse is cheating? It seems a little bit extreme, no? Unfortunately, it is not.
People who are in affairs, much like that they groom themselves differently, might buy things that they don’t usually buy. And, often, I don’t know why, they carelessly toss detritus from those items in the trash.
What kind of items? Usually small ones, like sales tags or receipts. Sometimes its bigger – perhaps packaging. Sometimes they even discard the shop bag. In our throw away society, we don’t tend to think about trash consciously so we often just toss it aside without thinking.
So, if you are noticing some unusual items in your trash, pay attention. It could be a sign that your spouse is up to something.
Most of my clients who are having affairs tell me that they are incredibly distracted.
They find that they can’t concentrate on work. That at the family dinner table they don’t engage in conversation. They say that they forget simple things, like taking a pot off the stove. They miss appointments and are late picking up their kids from school.
Does your spouse seem unusually distracted? Do they seem distant and sometimes incommunicative? Do they forget things that they have never forgotten before?
This could be a sign that something is going on and might merit some extra attention.
When someone is having an affair, the desire to keep it a secret and the need to share what is happening are in conflict. Affairs are exciting and messy and many people, in spite of their best interests, need someone to confide in.
While, ideally, a cheater would be seeking professional help to address what they are doing, more often, they seek support from a friend. And friends, unfortunately, aren’t always good at keeping a secret or at keeping a poker face.
So, how are your spouse’s friends behaving? Are any of them distant? Do any of them say strange things, things that you don’t understand? Do you find your spouse spending more time with them than usual?
Our spouse’s friends can often be their worst enemies. Pay attention to their interaction with their friends and their friends’ interactions with you. If anything has changed, it could be a sign that your spouse is cheating.
Affairs bring out emotions, in more ways that one.
Of course there is excitement and passion – obviously. But there is also guilt. And shame. And confusion. All things that, when push comes to shove, can be completely overwhelming.
For a client of mine, she found that she was crying all the time. She loved her affair partner madly but she also was overwhelmed by her feelings of guilt for her spouse. She also was desperately unhappy in her marriage and that made her incredibly sad as well.
As a result, my client found that she was crying all the time. Furthermore, she found that she was impatient and quick to anger. These were emotions that she had never experienced and she was overwhelmed by them.
And her husband? He had no idea what to do with his wife’s emotions. They had always scared him but their new intensity was overwhelming.
So, how is your partner’s emotional regulation? Do you find that they are more emotional than usual? If yes, it could be a sign that they are being unfaithful.
signs of a cheating spouse
Yes, I know that this one is counterintuitive – why would someone who is having an affair want more sex.
When someone is having an affair, particularly at the beginning, their hormones are in overdrive. Their need to touch and be touched is intense. They are constantly thinking about sex. They are pulsing with feel good hormones. Sex is a driving force in their lives.
This happens, too, when we are in any new relationship – the attraction is part of what makes that period of time so much fun.
Ironically, the affair partner is not always available to fulfill this sexual need and, therefore, the cheater turns to their spouse to scratch their itch. Horrible, I know.
So, is your spouse more interested in sex then they have been for a while? If yes, pay attention.
This is that biggest sign to look out for and the one that we ignore all the time – our gut.
Our gut is the thing that keeps human beings alive. It’s the thing that signals danger so that we can get away from what threatens us. It tells us that what we are seeing isn’t necessarily the truth. It warns us when we are making a choice that isn’t right for us.
In short, our gut is our red flag spotter. And it’s something that we, more often than not, ignore.
I have a client whose husband has started buying new underwear. He is working out. He spends a lot of time walking on the beach, where there is no cell service. He is more impatient with her than usual.
For me, I see all the signs of infidelity. For her, she absolutely refuses to believe that it is possible – her gut tells her so! As a result, she is miserable and living a life that isn’t satisfying her. Ultimately, I am afraid, she will find out the truth and it will be devastating for her.
Of courses, all of the things that I have written about are not necessarily signs of infidelity. But they are things to look out for and, if these things are found in combination, might be meaningful.
I know that they are small things but it is small things that make the difference in life. And small things that we often miss. Small things that noticing might be life changing.
If you are suspecting that your spouse might be cheating, keep an eye out for the small things. You will be glad that you did!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
For many people, finding happiness after a divorce might seem impossible.
After all, the lives that they have lived for whatever period of time is over. The stress and sadness of the divorce process has been life sucking. The fear of moving forward can be intense.
But finding happiness after a divorce is not only possible but probable. I know. I have been there – gone from devastated by a divorce to living happily ever after.
How did this happen? Let me share.
For many people, myself included, they are so impatient for their life to move forward that they try to get started earlier than they should.
When my husband left me, I immediately set out to build a new life for myself – including finding love. I reached out to college boyfriend, hoping to re-kindle our love. I embraced online dating, getting into one relationship after another, all of which failed.
In retrospect, I know that I just wasn’t ready. I was in too deep with sadness around the end of my marriage and the toxicity of the divorce process. At the time, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t.
Going through a divorce is one of the most devastating things that anyone can go through. And the divorce process can take a long time. When one is in the middle of it all, it’s almost like they are submerged in a babbling brook. Like water is rushing over their head and they can’t really hear anything or see anything clearly. As a result, they can make bad choices, choices that might even sabotage finding the happiness that they deserve.
So, try to be patient and wait until the divorce is settled and signed off on before you try to make too much change, particularly around relationships.
Many people are desperate to find love again after a divorce. They truly believe that that is the only way they will ever be happy again. And so, they get into a new relationship quicker than they should.
What I always encourage my clients to do is, if you feel like dating is something that you must do to keep your head above water, to date away. Date away but absolutely don’t get into a new relationship.
As I said above, when going through a divorce you just don’t see or feel things clearly. As a result, you could get into another relationship that causes you heartbreak and leaves you even worse off than you were during your marriage.
I got into a relationship within months of my husband leaving. At first it was wonderful but then it fell apart – mostly because my divorce kept on interfering with our life and because I didn’t have the life skills to be in a new relationship after 20 years of marriage.
As the relationship fell apart, so did I, mentally and physically. Most notably, I woke up one day with my face half-paralyzed. I had Bell’s Palsy. The stress that I was feeling was literally all over my face. It was horrible.
So, don’t move too fast into a new relationship. It could only hold you back!
For many people, once they get through a divorce, don’t take the time to pause and figure out what happened in their marriage. As a result, they find that they make the same mistakes that they made in their marriage.
In what way? They choose people who resemble their ex-spouse. They interact with them in ways that sabotage a relationship instead of build it. They continue the toxic behaviors they displayed in their marriage. They continue to do what they have always done and hope that things turn out differently this time around.
It is key that you stop and take the time to figure out not only what happened in your marriage but also your role in it. You don’t want history to repeat itself. A large percent of second marriages fail. Don’t let yours be one of them!
This is one of the most important things to do after a divorce – and the most difficult.
The key to finding happiness after a divorce is to let go of any anger and animosity that you might feel towards your ex.
Holding on to anger is horrible for many reasons. It keeps you mired in the past. It carries an undercurrent of anger and hostility that can sabotage happiness. It can lead to not trusting people. Is unattractive to those it is shared with. And, it could ultimately cause physical problems. My mom held a grudge against my dad for decades – she died at 72 of pancreatic cancer.
So, work hard to not hold on to any anger that you might have against your ex. And, as you work to let go of it, don’t subject random people, especially dates, to your vitriol. It won’t get you anywhere!
No risk, no reward, right?
I know that for many people coming out the other side of divorce, the idea of taking risks is untenable.
Their self confidence is shot. They are emotionally drained. They aren’t feeling very hopeful for the future. All of these things make some people want to curl up on the couch, eat ice cream and indulge in lots and lots of reality TV.
And, while it is ok to do this for a while, don’t let it last for long.
For me, after my divorce, I sold my 2000 sq foot house in Vermont and got myself a little apartment on the Upper West Side in NYC. I put my stuff in storage and set off for my adventure. And I am glad I did.
While I didn’t find love in NYC (which I thought I would with the million plus guys there) I did build my business, meet new people and do exciting new things. It was the best 2.5 years of my life, to date – and now I am happily settled in Maine, having done something that I always wanted to do at that turning point in my life.
Now, I am not saying that you have to move to NYC after your divorce. I am a big risk taker so that was easy for me. But pay attention to the life choices that you make and make sure that some of them make you just a little bit nervous.
Doing so will give you the opportunity to truly feel alive again and help you find the happiness that you seek.
It’s interesting – marriage can make one’s life very small. Between jobs and kids and careers and extended family, the life that we lived when were single seems like it’s gone for ever. The risks and adventures, the trips and cultural events, the branching out and meeting new people are all put to the side as life goes on.
When you get divorced, you have a chance to open up that world again.
For me, for years going to Peru had been on my bucket list but, because my life was small, I just didn’t make it happen. Once I got divorced I was determined to make it happen. And I did. At the age of 52, I hiked a 17,000 foot mountain and came down the other side to land at Machu Picchu. Not only did I widen my world but I felt damn good about myself doing it.
So, what is that thing that you have always wanted to do? Do it!
When we come out the other side of a divorce often our self-confidence has been destroyed.We don’t feel good about ourselves and are perfectly. We are happy to wallow in the feelings of self-hatred.
Well, let me tell you that, just because you got divorced, you are not a bad person. You aren’t worthless. You are deserving of love. And, if you have a hard time believing me, just ask those friends and family members who love you. They will tell you.
In an effort to find happiness after divorce, it is key that you spend time with people who love you, people who will remind you of your worth to the world and all that you have to give. If you are surrounded by this kind of unconditional love, it will help you believe in yourself again and move confidently into the world.
I know – this one seems obvious but it must be included in any list of finding happiness after or a divorce.
While the instinct to stay home and indulge in your depression might be tempting, I encourage you to do that as little as possible. Make sure that you get outside and exercise. That you sleep and eat well. That you don’t spend hours stalking your ex on social media. That you do things that feed your soul.
I know the idea of getting up off the couch right now but I can promise that, if you do, you will be one step closer to finding the happiness that you seek!
Most people who are going through and getting past a divorce have never done so before. Sure they might have been through a break up but not a divorce. As a result, they have no idea with they are doing.
I always encourage my clients to find some kind of support to get through this difficult time. Whether it’s a friend who has been through a divorce already, a therapist who can help you process your feelings or a life coach who can help you figure out next steps (or all three), getting some kind of support as you navigate the treacherous waters of life during and after a divorce is essential to any future happiness!
I know that many of these things might feel daunting right now, keep this list close so that, when you are ready, you know what you have to do.
And, I promise you – you can do it! And, if you do, you will find the life and the love that you so much want to have!
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
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