Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

If you  are reading this article I am guessing that you are thinking that you might be in a toxic relationship and wondering if it’s time to get out of it. Good for you!

I know that its hard for you to believe right now but you don’t deserve to be in a relationship where you are mistreated. No matter what anyone might tell you, you are a person in the world who should be treated with kindness and respect.

We are all just human beings, trying to be the best person that we can be be. And we are human beings who can make mistakes in the eyes of someone else. Sometimes we do or say things that might cause upset. Sometimes we make bad judgement calls. We might spend too much money or have too much to drink or forget to run an errand. We might forget to do something that we promised to do. We are just human – we make mistakes.

And, just because we might make mistakes, that doesn’t mean that we should be physically or mentally abused. Our mistakes might be met with frustration but they should never be met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming.

Furthermore, it is important that we understand that what we don’t want done unto ourselves we should not do unto others, no matter how much we are mistreated.

If you are reading this article, chances are that you have made a mistake or too in the eyes of your partner and you have been met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming. And, if this has been done to you over and over, you might believe that you are worthless and that you can’t do anything right and that you deserve nothing more than what you have.

Let me tell you – from someone who has been there – even if you do tend to do things that might self-sabotage or might upset someone else, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love and respect. Period. Try to hold on to this. Its important that you do.

So, how can you break this cycle of being berated and belittled for who you are and get out of the relationship and on with your life? Here are 9 things that you can do to get you on the path out of the relationship and on to living your life again.

#1 – Know that you are worthy.

First and foremost, in order to take this big step, you must truly grasp that you are worthy of being in a relationship that is a healthy one and that feeds you instead of debases you. I know that this won’t be easy to do but I encourage you to do it.

Try to get back in touch with the person you were before the relationship, the person you were before you were treated badly. Were you a person in the world with lots of friends. Did you have a job that you loved? Did you take care of your mental and physical health? I am guessing that, before you were driven down by this relationship, there were things bout yourself and your place in the world that you were proud of. Get back in touch with them.

Also, reach out to those who love you, your friends and family. If anyone can remind you how wonderful you are and remind you why you are lovable, its them. And, if you are open to being reminded and work to accept it, it will go a long way towards you believing that you are worthy of getting out of this toxic relationship and moving on.

#2 – Identify the symptoms.

An important part of breaking the cycle of your toxic relationship and getting out of it is to truly accept that your relationship is toxic. To that end, here are a few signs that your relationship is a toxic one and getting out of it is a good idea:

1. You don’t feel good about yourself.
2. You are willing to accept blame for everything.
3. Your friends and family don’t like your partner.
4. The relationship is impacting your life in negative ways.
5. Nothing changes in spite of promises made.
6. You spend lots of time looking up information on toxic relationships.

Take some time and consider whether even one of the symptoms above relates to your relationship. If even one does, perhaps you can accept that your relationship is a toxic one and get more clarity about whether its time to get out.

#3 – Consider why you are staying.

Many people just don’t understand how someone can stay in a toxic relationship. After all, everyone deserves to be treated well by someone who says that they love them.

But, people stay in toxic relationships for many reasons and understanding them might help you see why you stay and that perhaps its not for the love.

1. Your parents were in a toxic relationship so its all you know.
2. Your past relationships might have been toxic too so you think being mistreated is normal.
3. You feel insecure about your place in the world.
4. You have low self-esteem and don’t believe you deserve better.
5. You believe that if you stay and love your person enough you can fix them.
6. You are a hopeless romantic and believe that passion in any form is a happily ever after.
7. You have a tendency to self sabotage.

Understanding that you might stay for reasons other than love is an excellent way to get clarity around whether or not you are capable of walking away from the relationship.

#4 – Be honest with someone who loves you.

A key part of being successful removing yourself from a toxic relationship is to get support and accountability. After all, we might tell ourselves that we want to get out but we rarely do so.

Having someone who loves you know about your plan to get out will accomplish two things. The first is that someone who loves you will emphasize the importance of getting out of a toxic relationship. They will support you in your decision to get it done and how to plan for next steps. The second thing that someone who loves you will do is to hold you accountable for actually following through and getting out. It’s easy to change our mind on something that only we know is a goal – having someone else know it as well and holds us accountable for getting it done makes not doing it harder.

#5 – Commit to doing it.

To successfully do anything difficult requires a level of commitment that can be very hard to follow through with. Its very easy to tell yourself that you will stop eating ice cream or watching so much TV or staying in a toxic relationship but follow through on doing those things can be very difficult.

It is very important that, if you truly want to break the cycle and get out of your toxic relationship you must be 100% committed to doing so. What you are going to do won’t be easy – if it was going to be easy you would have done it already. And, if you tell yourself that you will go and then you don’t, you will only feel worse about yourself which will make it harder to leave.

So, before you go down this road, ask yourself how committed you are to getting it done! If you aren’t quite ready pause until you are.

#6 – Accept that you are going to have to cut off contact.

For many people in toxic relationships, they are addicted to the relationship – to the person they are in the relationship with and the drama that is is part of it. I know it seems counterintuitive but it is one of the reasons that people stay.

So, it is going to be very important that you cut off all contact with your soon-to-be ex. Much like an alcoholic needing to stop drinking completely to start to heal, so must you cut off your ex so that you can do so as well.

Cutting off your ex means two things – going no contact and disconnecting with them on social media. You are going to have to block them and commit to not stalking them.

Many of my clients say that this feels “harsh” and that they don’t want to do it. The reality is is that my clients want to keep then door open in case their person comes back, committed to change. And what happens instead is that their person comes back and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

Furthermore, it is essential that you commit to not stalking your ex, to not going on social media to see how or what they are doing. If you do so, it will most likely make you miss them and you will reach out to them and, again, the whole cycle will start over.

#7 –  Set up boundaries.

It is essential that, if you are going to successfully break the cycle that you are in in this toxic relationship, you set up boundaries.

Examples of boundaries might be:

1. Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
2. No looking for closure.
3. If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
4. Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
5. Meeting them only in a public place.

If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:

1. Not rehashing old wounds.
2. Keeping contact business-like.
3. Minimizing seeing each other in person.

Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.

#8 – Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

Many people find themselves paralyzed when considering whether or not to walk away from a toxic relationship because they get too far ahead of themselves and it makes the whole thing too daunting to manage. It is essential that, if you are going to break the cycle, you must take the process day by day.

When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we are looking to an unknown future. We are thinking that we will never love or be loved again. That we will never again see our soon to be ex and that idea is inconceivable. We think that we will destroy our finances or hurt our children or ruin our prospects. We worry about things that we have no idea whether will occur or not.

So, for now, try to focus on what’s in front of you – walking away. You might need to worry about some of the things listed above but you also might not have to. It all depends what happens as you take each step.

#9 – Get professional help.

Our friends and family are great. Truly. They only want what is best for us. That being said, many friends and family bring their own stuff into their support of you, sometimes stuff that isn’t so helpful.

Perhaps your friend had a bad encounter with your relationship partner and has particular anger towards them that isn’t productive. Perhaps they have been through a similar situation that you are going through and believe that things should be done a certain way. Or, perhaps, they don’t think that you should be doing what you are doing and will try to talk you out of it.

A professional life coach (like me!) will help you take the steps you need to successfully get out of your toxic relationship if that is what is the right move for you. I always say that I am a friend without an agenda – I will support you but I won’t bring any of my own stuff into the process. I have helped hundreds of women like you get out of a toxic relationship and onto a life of love and happiness.

I know that the idea of professional help might be daunting but it is something that could make a big difference as far as you being successful moving on.

So, there you are – 9 things that you can do to break the cycle of your toxic relationship and move forward.

I know that you might not believe that you are worthy, or capable, of taking these steps and breaking free but you ARE. You are a person in the world who deserves to be loved and love in return, in a way that only feeds the positive in your life, not the negative.

You can do this!