June 2025

Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

June 30, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann

Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

According to the Attachment Project, trauma bonding is a sort of bond that develops when someone has an unhealthy attachment to someone else. Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening.

In the work that I have done with my clients over the past 10 years, I have seen this over and over. Women who are otherwise very strong and successful, trying, and failing, repeatedly, to let go of their married man. When I suggest that, perhaps, they might have an unhealthy bond that is keeping them with their married man, they push back very hard. They tell me that their married man is their soulmate, that they’ve never felt love like this before, and that they cannot imagine a life without them. There is not way that their relationship is unhealthy and has led to a trauma bond.

Because of how often I see this, I have decided that it’s a time to dig into what trauma bonding is to help women understand why they stay with their married men. I want them to see that a trauma bond is abuse – that they are being abused by the person they love, even if they don’t see it that way. Perhaps by learning more about what a trauma bond is, a woman can see the truth of why she stays.

To that end, here are 9 signs of a trauma bond so that you can understand the truth behind your relationship with your married man.

#1 – You need constant verbal affirmations.

When you were first with your married man, did he totally love bomb you? Did he tell you how beautiful and sexy you were and how he had never loved like this before? Did he make you feel special in a way that you had never felt before, something that you don’t want to let go of?

And, while he does still do this, do you find that you need more and more of it. Instead of settling into feeling loved, do you need him to constantly reassure you that he loves you?

I have a client who is trying to break up with her married man and she goes days or weeks without talking to him and then he reaches out and wants to make small talk. She doesn’t want small talk. She wants him to tell her how much he loves her and how he can’t live without her and that their time apart made her miserable. She needs to hear from him how much he cares about her because if she doesn’t, she won’t feel loved.

So, think about how you feel when you don’t get the words of love from your married man that you need. Do you feel empty? Do you feel hopeless? Do you feel like he will never choose you? Do you feel like if you don’t hear those words soon you will fall apart?

If any of these things are true, you are definitely trauma bonded to your married man.

#2 – You depend on him for your happiness.

Do you find that when you aren’t with your man you just can’t be happy? Do you find that more minutes than not of your day are spent thinking about him, missing him, wondering if he’s thinking about you, wondering if he’ll ever leave his wife? When you’re out with your friends, are you distracted with thoughts of him, hoping that he’ll reach out?

Much like needing constant, verbal affirmations, someone who is trauma bonded believes that they can never be happy unless they are with their married man. They need to be with him, hearing his words of love, getting physical touch, having sex, getting their dopamine hit, being told that they are a priority and that they will live happily ever after.

I am guessing that before you were involved with your married man, you were a happy person in the world. You were independent and had friends and had fun and didn’t spend all of your time focused on someone who wasn’t there. Even if you have been unhappy relationships before, you were still able to be happy.

Women who are trauma bonded are rarely happy when they’re not with their married man. That is why they have such a hard time letting them go.

#3 – He manipulates you into to getting what he wants.

When one of my clients tries to let go of her married man, I always encourage her to block him. Why? Because he has the power, because of their trauma bond, to manipulate her into coming back.

Many of my clients’ married men, when told by their affair partner that she needs to let him go, willingly allow them to do so. They say that they want them to be happy and that they know that they can’t do so, because of their marital status. And they do leave my clients alone, but not for long.

Sooner than later, they reach out to see how my client is or because they need advice or because they miss them or because they need closure or because they want to tell them that they have talked to a lawyer. And, while my clients might push back for a bit, they always give. After all, their man is hurting and they need to be there for them. (Even though their man’s pain is completely self imposed)

You see, a married man without his lover is lost. He knows that, if he lets her go, she can go on to have a happy life – to find someone who can love her completely. He, on the other hand, is left in an unhappy marriage with no one to tell him how wonderful he is, to support him and to have sex with him. And he knows that his affair partner is vulnerable to his manipulations – that she has tried and failed to leave him, that she will stay no matter the pain that he has inflicted upon her. So, he reaches out and sucks her back in.

And this manipulation is the key part of a trauma bond – one person manipulating the other to do things that they don’t want to do.

#4 – The same things happens over and over.

If you are reading this article, it is very likely that you are in a relationship with a married man that you know is unhealthy and that you are trying to let go of. So, let me ask you – is one of the reasons that you know that you have to let go because the same things keep happening over and over and over?

Does he make you promises that he will take action and then doesn’t? Does he promise you that he will show up and then not do so? Does he tell you that you are a priority and then choose to go to his son’s soccer game instead of showing up for your birthday?

Do these things happen over and over?

One sign of a trauma bond is the repeated cycle of abuse – that someone has the same experience over and over and they let it happen. They let their person get away with doing things that hurt them, in the name of soul mates and love and hopes for the future.

#5 – He has more power in the relationship then you do.

Take a moment and reflect on your relationship with your married man – does he have more power in the relationship than you do? Did you think that, because he tells you he loves you and makes you a priority that you have power over him? Does thinking about it point out that, in fact, he is the one who is in control?

People who are trauma bonded are in relationships, particularly affairs, that have a skewed power dynamic. After all, the married man is the one who has all of the power in the relationship. He is the one who can determine what happens every step of the way. He is the one who can choose to walk away from his marriage and his family or stay. He is the one who can make and break promises, knowing that there were will be no permanent repercussions. He knows that if he chooses to stay with his family, his girlfriend will most likely hang around too.

Does your married man have a power over you that you let happen? Does he make promises and let you down and hurt you without a thought? Do you let him do it? If yes, you are definitely trauma bonded to this man and letting him go will be very difficult.

#6 – You don’t recognize yourself anymore.

One sign of a trauma bond is when the abused person has lost sight of who they are. Who no longer sees herself in the mirror and feels good about herself. Who needs her married man to define who she is.

I know that when I was having an affair, I completely lost myself. I was a shell of the person who I was before the affair started. Then I was a single women in NYC, building my business and living a good life. Then I met him and things got better, temporarily. Over time, I became more and more obsessed with him leaving his wife, to the point that it was all that I could think about. It ruined my life, in more ways than one.

Once I found the power to let him go, I got my life back. I built a successful business, spent time with friends who I had abandoned and finally found the love that I was looking for. I loved the woman I saw in the mirror and wonder who that woman was who was having an affair.

#7 – You are emotionally exhausted.

Be honest with yourself – are you exhausted? Do you find that you can’t sleep and eat? Have you abandoned the very things that used to keep you emotionally fulfilled? Do you feel weak in the face of the pressure that you are putting on him and the ways that you let him manipulate you into staying, over and over?

A key part of a trauma bond is this emotional exhaustion – that the relationship, instead of lifting you up, sucks you down. You have moments of happiness when you hear from him or are with him but most of the time you are sad and angry and frustrated. You are exhausted from going through this every day, wondering when things are going to change.

Let me tell you – until you walk away you are going to be exhausted – it might even make you sick. What it will definitely do is erode your self-esteem and your strength and make walking away even more difficult.

#8 – You are (unwittingly) addicted to the drama.

For many women who are having an affair with a married man, they are – unwittingly – addicted to the drama of it all.

While they are in pain when they try to walk away, when their man reaches out again, things are wonderful. And they are wonderful because of the drama – the dramatic breaking up ceremony (which sucks) and the dramatic reunion (which is what they longed for).

Why? Because their married man gives them the verbal affirmations that they crave. He makes her promises that she knows that he will fulfill this time. They have amazing make up sex. For a few days, everything is wonderful and the hope is back, until its not.

And then the whole dramatic process starts over again, leading to pain and suffering and then words of love and empty promises.

#9 – You refuse to accept the truth.

The truth of your relationship with your married man is that he will never leave his wife. No matter what he says – that he is talking to a lawyer, that he is taking baby steps, that you will have the life you want – he just won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his children, destroying his finances and wrecking his social life.

And you, in spite of knowing deep down that what I am saying is true, stay. You want so much for him to leave his wife that you are willing to live with self-delusion, believing that it will someday happen. So you stay, willingly blind to the truth and miserable.

So there you go – 9 signs of a trauma bond that makes it impossible for you to let go of your married man.

I know that you believe that this man is the love of your life, that you will never be happy without him, that you will never find love again. I am afraid that what this shows that you are trauma bonded – you have been manipulated into staying with a man who will never leave his wife. You have lost who you are, are becoming increasingly sick and exhausted and you refuse to accept any truth.

I hope that this blog has helped you see the truth about your relationship, a truth that might help you successfully walk away and find the life and the love that you want.

You can do it!

Mitzi Bockmann

I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.

9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

June 12, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann

9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

I would say that, without exception, when I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, she tells me that she can’t because its “harsh.” That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. Is that a word that rings true with you?

And I get it. We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. BUT, there is a reason why we find ourselves in a place where we should block someone – because they have hurt us over and over.

That being said, while my clients say that they don’t want to be harsh, I know that they also don’t want to block their ex; they want to leave the door cracked open for getting back together. This is especially true for women who are dating married men – they don’t really want to break up with them but do try so, hoping it will change the outcome.

So, whether you don’t want to block someone because you don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to block them because you are holding out hope for a different ending, it is important to know that blocking your ex will save your sanity. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road.

So, why will blocking your ex save your sanity? Let me share.

#1 – You won’t get your fix and then have it taken away. Over and Over.

I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. She really wants to do it but she tells me that she just can’t block him now. I told her that I would support her but that the only way that she will truly be able to let go of him is if she blocks him.

A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.

She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him, and they talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had gotten a taste of him and he was gone again.

This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. She was alternately elated and completely destroyed. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are now back together.

She told me that she had to do it to save her sanity. That he was making her crazy and she needed the pain to stop. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t. If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.

#2 – He won’t have an opportunity to wiggle his way back in.

It is truly amazing to me what married men do when their lover tries to break up with them. They initially agree that it is the best thing as he knows that they is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.

You see, a married man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to stay married for all the reasons and he wants his affair partner to make his life a better place. So, while his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.

So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his lover is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.

#3 – You won’t need to be strong – your phone will do it for you.

Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.

Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful, falling in love, both in person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.

Now its time to use that phone for good. If you can block your guy, you won’t have to worry about being strong. You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking him back. If he can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear his voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.

#4 – He won’t be able to wound you with his words.

Be honest – doesn’t your guy, particularly if he is a married one, more often than not, make you feel sad with his words.

Does he declare that he loves you, that you are his soul mate, that he has never had a love like he has with you and then, in the same breath, say that he will never leave his wife and his family?

Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with him over and over, trying to get a different outcome?

Or, if you do manage to try to break up with him, does he repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?

Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block him!

#5 – You won’t have to say good bye over and over.

I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”

This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.

I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. (Which, as my regular readers know, is a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time) Anyway, what happened when she went to see her married guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.

So, if you block your guy, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!

#6 – He won’t be able to make you feel guilty.

This is something that I recently realized was a thing – especially with married man – that a guy would make his lover feel guilty for leaving him.

One of my clients told me that she knows, because they still talk, that he is hurting and that she can’t cut him off completely because she wants to be there for him. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.

But, the reason that he is hurting is OF HIS OWN MAKING. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could make the choice to choose her but he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her – its on him!

So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease his, as you always do.

#7 – You will rebuild your self-esteem.

One thing that happens when women repeatedly try, and fail, to break up with their guy, is that they start to lose faith in themselves and it damages their self-esteem.

Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.

That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!

#8 – He will see that you really mean it this time.

For many of my clients, they have broken up with their married man over and over. The man pushes back a bit but knows exactly how to get them back – with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.

If you can manage to block him, your married man, and an ex, will see that you are serious. That he won’t be able to do the things that he has done to get you back. That, this time, you might actually walk away.

And yes, while that might cause him pain, it is exactly what he needs. He needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. He needs to know that you won’t take his empty promises again. He needs to know that he hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.

Blocking your guys sense him a message, that it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting him go.

#9 – You will finally be able to move on and have a new life.

So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling when they are away from their guy. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him too. And that pain is pain that will never go away. Break up pain will fade but if you are being hurt regularly, you will just continue to suffer.

If you can block your guy, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your guy and that you will ever be happy again. BUT YOU WILL AND CAN.

And, if you block him you will have the best chance to get that life. A life full of friends and success at work and self confidence and, maybe, even love.

You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away!

So there you go, 9 reasons why blocking your ex will save your sanity.

Sanity. This is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right guy for you is all about. The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.

I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again – the ONLY way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block him. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy, particularly her married guy, if she fails to block him!

You can do this – you are a woman after all!

Mitzi Bockmann

11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken So You Can Get the Love You Want

June 8, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann

11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken

I say this over and over but it is true every time – there is literally nothing worse than a broken heart.

Waking up in the morning, happy for a moment until you realize what has happened. The physical pain that one feels from the loss. The profound disappointment. The fears for the future that they will never be loved again. All of those things are incredible overwhelming and makes one feel like they will never be happy again.

Well, let me tell you, in spite of what some novels and movies might tell you, no one dies of a broken heart. No one. And you won’t either.

The key is, instead of focusing on your broken heart, focusing on healing. I know it might seem like an impossible task but you can do it!

To that end, let me share with you 11 ways to heal when your heart is truly broken!

#1 – Feel the feelings…

One thing that many people try to do is to push down their feelings when their heart is broken.

After all, feeling ones feelings tends to lead to pain and pain is one of those things that we are biologically wired to not avoid.

Many people want to “tough it out,” to not let their ex have the satisfaction of their pain. Or perhaps they have been taught to never reveal their feelings and so they stuff them down. Or perhaps the pain the feelings cause is just too intense and unbearable. For whatever reason, people don’t face their feelings head on after a break up.

But, not feeling your feelings won’t help you heal. Pushing down your feelings will only get them stuck in your body where they will fester and make things worse for you. It is important that you feel your feelings, feel the pain, and then consciously let them go.The feelings won’t go away but I can promise you that, with time, the pain will lessen and you will feel better.

And that is how you start to heal.

#2 – …but don’t let them consume you.

For those of you who feel your feelings deeply, who aren’t scared of the pain and let their feelings become an integral part of their lives after a break up, I encourage you to stop!

Feeling ones feelings is one thing, and a very important thing, but letting those feelings take over your life will only hold you back from healing.

I always recommend that my clients let themselves truly embrace their broken heart for a short period of time, perhaps a few weeks. After that, it is important that those feelings not be what drives you. That they are there, in the background, but that you are living your life in spite of them.

There is nothing that will hold back healing more than allowing those feelings to overwhelm you. To spend all of your time in your head, replaying what has happened over and over, feeling sorry for yourself and angry at the world. Instead, if you can pick your head up, recognize that you will be okay and take steps out of the world of constant pain, you will give your body, and you mind, the chance to heal.

#3 – Block them, unfriend them, unfollow them.

I am sure that you are thinking that blocking, unfriending or unfollowing your ex is “very harsh.” I hear this all the time, especially from women, that they feel like they are being unkind if they do those things. They also feel like if they do those things, their relationship is truly over, that their ex will never be able to reach them if they want to get back together.

And I get that but, if you don’t take this step, you will never get over your broken heart. Never.

A big part of healing when your heart is broken is to cut off contact with your ex. Its important that they not be able to reach out to you, to have “closure” or to “be friends” or to manipulate your emotions in any way. If they can do that, they will set you back big time and only make the pain worse.

Its the same with seeing what your ex is doing on social media. I have many clients who just “take a peek” figuring how bad could it be. And after they see their ex, and they get that shot of dopamine, they only revert back to the intense pain, sometimes even worse.

Why? Because they see their ex getting on with their lives, seemingly not hurting at all after the break up, maybe even hanging out with someone new. All of those things will only make you feel more heartbroken and like their ex never cared for you at all.

Remember, people only post their best selves on social media, especially if they guess that their ex will check them out. They want people to see that their lives are exciting and their exes to see that they have moved on. But all of those things are illusions. Yes, someone might be living their lives but behind the scenes they too are dealing with life and the pain of a break up.

So, don’t ever look at an ex on social media, even “just a peek.” It will only hold you back from the peace that you are seeking after your break up.

#4 – Don’t waste time reinforcing your feelings on social media.

Have you spent a ton of time online, researching what it means to be a narcissist? Do find yourself on TikTok, watching videos of women going through break ups, them talking about how horrible their ex is and how they got gaslit? Do you try to find inspirational posts but only focus on things that reinforce how bad you are feeling?

I get that. Its always nice to be with people who are hurting in a similar way that you are. BUT, being around other hurting people on social media is different. These people are not your friends. They do not know your situation. They are just speaking, in a void, about their own experiences and what they think you should do.

And, rarely, do people who are on social media talk about how happy they are. Sure, they are out there, but the algorithm will drive the unhappy ones to your feed because unhappiness drives clicks.

Like everything, moderation is the key. Of course, spend a short period to time scrolling, perhaps the same amount of time that you are deeply feeling your feelings but then put down your phone. If you must be on your phone, seek out inspirational sharing – stories of people who have made it out the other side.

It is important that you stop looking back and holding on to your anger and hurt. Instead, look forward to a time and place where you can be happy, and use social media to help you get the tools to get there.

#5 – Make a list of the issues in the relationship.

This is a very important one – making a list of the things that were an issue in the relationship.

When we get out of a relationship, it is very easy to forget all the things that were wrong with it. And, before you tell me that there was nothing wrong with your relationship – that it was perfect – think twice. Of course there was something wrong with it. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

And, because we forget all the bad things that happen in a relationship, we tend to get nostalgic, remembering only the good things, and that causes us to self-sabotage. To perhaps do some social media stalking. Perhaps reach out to an ex, getting the break up cycle revved up again. Things that definitely won’t help us move forward.

So, get out a pen and paper (use paper – you can keep it close) and make a list of the things that were wrong in the relationships, the times you felt hurt or ignored or slighted. I think that you will find that once you get started, you will have an easy time making the list. Continue to add to it as more things come to you.

And, once you have your list (ever growing perhaps) keep it close to you so that you can refer to it regularly. If you are reminded about the truth of your relationship you are less like to go back to it and more likely to move forward and heal.

#6 – Get off the couch.

Perhaps you are reading this from the couch? Or your bed? Or some other place where you are prone, depressed, sad and lonely.

Of course you are. Your heart is broken and you just can’t get up and go.

And, I get that!!! But, don’t let yourself get stuck to your couch for long. It will only set you back in your healing process.

Of course, much like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, spending some time on the couch when you are heartbroken is part of the process. Its impossible to go from heartbroken to fine in the flick of a switch. But, like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, its important that you, fairly quickly, get off the couch and out in the world.

It doesn’t have to be a big effort – maybe just getting off the couch to take a shower. Or go for a walk. Perhaps it can be a bit more – maybe a movie with a friend or a drink with your sister. Whatever would be the thing that will get you off the couch and back out into the world.

The couch is a cozy place but it’s not a place where you will find healing. That is out there in the world and you will only find it through motion.

#7 – Dig into something that will keep your mind occupied.

The last time I had a broken heart, I was devastated. And all I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. And I did that, for a while.

But when I got up I decided that I had to do something. I could continue going on with my life – seeing friends, walking my dog, kind of life coaching – or I could dig into something that would give my life some purpose and keep my mind occupied.

So, I decided to build my business. I buckled down and built my website and started blogging and putting myself out there for free sessions. I worked my butt off, striving to build a business that would take me into the rest of my life and not keep me looking backwards.

And, while I still suffered, the pain was lessened as I found success until, sooner than later, I had a thriving business and a wonderful new boyfriend.

What would be a good thing for you to dig into?

#8 – Don’t play the victim – embrace your power.

This is something that people do all the time when their heart is broken – they play the victim card.

The act like they were wronged. That they were perfect in the relationship and that their partner was incredibly stupid to have left them. That their suffering is worse than any other suffering ever. That they have been wronged and nothing will ever repair them.

It is important that, when you have a broken heart, instead of playing the victim, you embrace your power. That you take a good hard look at your role in the end of the relationship and that you work to make change for yourself. Don’t let someone else dictate how you are feeling or how you react. Take charge of your life and make it be your best one.

I played the victim when my ex-husband left me for another woman until I came to my senses and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage. This sped up my healing big time!

#9 – Shift your energy.

One small thing that people can do when they are broken hearted is to shift up their energy.

Instead of living in space that they used to share with someone, I encourage people to change the space. To get rid of anything that reminds them of their ex. To move furniture and decorations around where possible. To perhaps throw out old bedding and towels and buy new.

I also encourage people to walk, or drive, a different way home. To go to new restaurants and coffee shops. To create new weekend rituals. To do things differently than they used to do things with their ex.

The goal in doing all of this is to shift up your energy – to block the negative energy and allow new, positive energy to flow. I know that it sounds new-agey but it really works. Out with the old, negative energy and in with the new.

#10 – Think about past breakups.

I am guessing that you have been broken hearted before (and yes, probably even as broken hearted as you are now although you refuse to believe it). And, I am guessing that, because you are newly broken hearted, you moved on from that last relationship into this new one. And, just like last time, you will recover again.

And, because you have survived a break up before, you have some tools in your tool belt that helped you get through those dark times. Can you think about those times and dig them out again? Often times, what works for us once will work for us again!

#11 – Believe that you will be happy, and loved, again!

I am sure that right now, even after reading this list, you are feeling like you will never be happy again, that no one will ever love you again.

And I can promise you that THIS JUST ISN’T TRUE.

Just because some bozo didn’t see the value in you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. This break up was a gift – you didn’t have to waste even one more minute on someone who wasn’t the right person for you.

If you can get yourself up off the couch, not dwelling in the past but looking to the future, there is no reason at all why you won’t be able to find your person. After all, they are out there, going through own shit, becoming the person they will be when you finally meet.

I just know it!

Mitzi Bockmann

7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

June 3, 2025/by Mitzi Bockmann

7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

I wish I could say that boyfriends who break their promises are a rare thing but I am afraid that they are not. I have many, many clients who come to me, frustrated that they can’t trust their boyfriends to do what they say they are going to do and not sure what to do about it.

Of course, boyfriends don’t always repeatedly break their promises with malicious intent. Often times, they worry that they will let their girlfriends down and so, in the moment, make a promise that they know they won’t keep. Either way, though, they end up breaking their promises, disappointing their girlfriends, to say the least.

So, how do you deal with a boyfriend who keeps breaking his promises? Let me give you some suggestions.

#1 – Don’t make excuses for his behavior.

Many of my clients make excuses for why their boyfriend when they lie. Perhaps their boyfriend had to prioritize work and could not do what he said he would do. Perhaps he didn’t understand what he had promised. Perhaps you had asked too much of him. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Whatever there reason for his behavior, don’t justify it away. No one, man or woman, should break their promises. If a girlfriend repeatedly broke their promises would you justify it away or would consider letting them go as a friend because they continue to let you down?

If you continue to justify his behavior, even as he continues to break his promises over and over, it will just lead to you feeling badly about yourself because you will believe, every time, that if he loved you he would keep his promises so he must not.

#2 – Stop believing that he is ever going to keep his promises.

Wishful thinking is something that can cause big time destruction in a relationship. In this case, the wishful thinking is that your boyfriend will stop his behavior out of nowhere, will start keeping all of his promises and your problem will be solved.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. If a man is in the habit of breaking promises over and over, and he gets away with it, he has no reason to change. He will continue to do what he does.

If you are going to continue to be in this relationship, it will be important for you to accept that he won’t ever keep his promises. Why? For two reasons.

The first is that you won’t feel let down. If you accept that the promises that he makes are empty, then you won’t feel let down when things don’t happen.

The second is that, if you accept that this behavior will be ongoing, you won’t ask him to make you any promises. You will just do what you have to do to get things done, leaving him on the sidelines to do his own thing.

I am not advocating accepting that he will always break his promises. Ultimately, you will find this unsustainable and painful but it is an option should you choose to stay in the relationship.

#3 – Try to get him to talk about why he does what he does.

It is important that you and your boyfriend have a dialogue about why he breaks his promises. Doing so will calling him out on his behavior and also, perhaps, lead him to reflect on why he breaks his promises over and over.

I know that my husband often breaks his promises but he does so because he doesn’t want to let me down. For weeks he promised to cut up some fallen trees and for weeks he kept putting it off with excuses. Finally, I got mad and called him out on it. He said that he was concerned that the trees weren’t on our land and that is why he didn’t want to cut them up.

If he had only told me the truth when I first asked him to cut up the trees, I wouldn’t have had the expectation that he was going to do it, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and I wouldn’t have felt let down (a feeling that is not going away).

On the other hand, my ex-husband used to break his promises all the time. While sometimes he would keep his promises, more often than not he wouldn’t. More often than not he intended to keep his promises but was just incapable of doing it, for whatever reason. This repeated breaking of promises eroded our relationship to the point that he is now my ex-husband.

So, try to talk to your boyfriend about why he does what he does. Perhaps this will help you both understand what is happening so that you can work together to make change.

#4 – Don’t let him off the hook.

Many of my clients don’t call their boyfriends out on their broken promises. Perhaps at the beginning they did, but, as time goes on, they stop doing so.

They stop doing so because they feel like a nag when they do. They are so disappointed that they don’t want to have another fight. They don’t want to give their boyfriends a reason to leave. They blame themselves for what has happened.

For whatever reason, women often let their boyfriends off the hook when they are repeatedly breaking promises. Unfortunately, the only thing that this does is encourage their boyfriend to continue breaking promises as they know that there will be no consequences if they do.

#5 – Know that its not because he doesn’t love you (most likely).

So many of my clients believe that when their partner breaks their promises it is because they don’t love them. That their actions reflect their true feelings. And while this might in fact be the case, more often than not its not.

One of my client’s husbands had promised to stop on the way home from work to look at some new windows for their house. He had to work later than he thought and he just forgot. My client took this to mean that he didn’t love her – that if he loved her he would have done what he promised.

And, in this case, it just wasn’t true. He did love her, he just forgot to do what he promised and committed to doing it the next day.

Another client had a boyfriend who was consistently letting her down, promising to spend time with her and then making excuses why he couldn’t. While he didn’t break those promises because he didn’t love her, spending time with her was not a priority for him. Because she let him get away with it, he made no effort to change. And, because she continued to let him break his promises to her, eventually he just walked away because he didn’t respect that she was such a doormat and fell in love with someone who challenged him.

So know that, most often, men don’t break their promises as a reflection of their feelings. They do it because they can.

#6 – Get help.

Many people who perpetually break promises have some kind of internal mechanism that leads them to do it. Perhaps they were always lied to as a child and its all they know. Perhaps they struggle with self esteem issues and believe that their actions aren’t important. Perhaps they tend to sabotage relationships and breaking promises has always succeeded in the past.

Whatever the reason, if your boyfriend continues to break his promises and you want to stay in the relationship, if is essential that you have some kind of couples therapy, whether with a therapist or with a life coach.

Working together with a professional will help you understand why he breaks his promises and him understand the effect that it has on you. Once you have some clarity about what the broken promises do to your relationship, you can start developing tools for how to do things differently.

Perhaps when its time for him to make a promise the two of you work together to define whether or not he thinks he can succeed at it or would it perhaps be better for you to modify the promise to something that he can do. Perhaps you talk specifically about what the best way for him to keep his promise would look like. Perhaps he could be honest with you about his ability to carry off this particular promise.

Whatever the actions that you develop might be, doing things differently is the only way that you will be able to break the cycle.

#7 – Walk away.

This is an excellent option to choose if your boyfriend lies to you over and over and over. Just walk away.

I know that this idea feels like a kick in the teeth but the reality is is this is most likely the best option for you to be happy.

After all, in spite of everything, your boyfriend breaks his promises. You are in a relationship with someone you can’t trust or rely on. A relationship like this is one that will never survive. After all, a relationship dies without trust.

I know that the idea of walking away is scary as hell. After all, the idea of starting to date again is abhorrent and the possibility that you will never love or be loved again seems like a reality.

Yes, dating won’t be fun but you will love and be loved again and you won’t have to deal with the daily pain of being let down, pain that is most likely getting worse every day.

So, there you go, 7 ways to deal with a boyfriend who repeatedly breaks his promises.

I know that its easy to rationalize away the fact that your boyfriend breaks his promises. After all, we are all only human and humans make mistakes. And this is true.

But, the reality is is that someone who lies to you over and over, which is what breaking a promise really is, is someone it is hard to be in a healthy relationship with. It is essential that you don’t look away from the reality of your relationship and take conscious steps to deal with it.

Only by doing so will you get your happily ever after.

Mitzi Bockmann