9  Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

Are you in the heartbreaking position of knowing that you need to break up with someone because they aren’t the right person for you? Do you know that you need to do it but are finding it impossible to do so?

I totally get it – I have been there. Everyone has been there. After all, for so many reasons, breaking up is hard to do!

But why is breaking up so hard? After all, you know that they aren’t the person for you and yet you can’t let them go. The reasons are complex. Understanding those reasons might help you step up and do what has to be done, namely letting someone who isn’t the right person for you go, for both of your sakes.

To that end, here are 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

#1 – Because of how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Were things with you and your partner wonderful in the beginning? Do you hold on to the memories of your initial meeting, when you talked into the night? Do remember the passionate sex? Do you think about the magic and the romance, the dreams about the future, the satisfaction that you knew that you had finally found your person?

All of those things are hard to let go of.

For many of my clients, one of the reasons that they find that they can’t break up with their partner is because of how wonderful it was in the beginning. They believe that if they just hold on long enough, they will find that spark again and it will carry them forward.

Unfortunately, in any relationship, it’s impossible to go back to the beginning. Even in healthy relationships, the spark of an early relationship will never return. For a healthy relationship, that spark will settle down to contentment and happiness. For an unhealthy one, that spark will be extinguished forever, never to return.

So, if you find that you are having a hard time breaking up with your person, know that trying to get back to the beginning will only cause frustration.

#2 – Because you truly believe that your love can change them.

Are you one of those people who likes to take care of other people? Is this especially true when you are in a relationship? Do you believe that if you only love your person enough, you can change them and therefore change your relationship?

This happens all the time. I remember in one relationship my boyfriend was really struggling to be successful in the world. Because of this, his insecurity was making our relationship untenable. I truly believed that if I only loved him enough, if I supported him enough, I could fix our relationship by making him feel better about himself.

That boyfriend is now an ex.

If you are not breaking up with your person, even though you know you should, because you believe that with effort you can fix everything, just know you can’t. All the love in the world won’t change another person’s behavior unless they want to change. And if you’re one of those people who believes that they are not a quitter, and therefore won’t leave a relationship, know that you’re being willing to quit will only lead to more unhappiness because you can’t be the only person in a relationship who is fighting for it!

#3 – Because you don’t want to cause anyone pain.

Nobody wants to cause anyone pain. Nobody. After all, why would we want to inflict pain on someone who we once loved and probably do still care about?

And I get this. But I always ask people if their person is in pain right now. Is their person unhappy because the relationship is struggling? Perhaps they are anxious and preoccupied with what is happening. Perhaps they are feeling hopeless about the future because of the relationship. Would you really be causing them more pain by ending the relationship?

One thing that I see over and over in relationships is that someone doesn’t break up with someone but instead slowly pulls away, giving their person less and less until they are truly just breadcrumbing them. Because of their fear of hurting their person, they hope that if they give their person less, their person will break up with them, making it so that they aren’t the cause of any pain.

The truth of this course of action, unfortunately, is only more pain. Instead of having the intense pain of a Band-Aid ripped off by a break up, with the breadcrumbing, it is being taken off slowly, which makes the pain worse.

So if you’re afraid of causing your person pain, know that, while it might hurt in the moment, ultimately, you are ending both of your pain.

#4 – Because your friends and family like them.

I have one client who really didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because of how attached he was to their family. He was distant from his family and his girlfriend’s family had truly embraced him. He had been part of every family event for the past two years. He had helped them build their house. He had gone golfing with her father. He looked at her family as his family.

And, he didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because he didn’t want to let his family down or to lose them. And so he stayed. Unfortunately, because the relationship was an unhealthy one, the family encouraged their daughter to let him go and move on. And, because he drew it all out and caused their daughter pain, the separation from the family was not healthy one and he had to let it go completely.

Are you staying with your partner because your friends tell you that he’s wonderful? Or that your mom is so excited that you finally found the one? If you hold on to what they say, you’re only going extend your misery. After all neither your family nor your friends are in your relationship and understand just what are the dynamics.

#5 – Because you are afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

I would say that, for everyone, they hesitate to break up because they are worried that they will never love or be loved again. They feel like they have a bird in hand, someone who they could build a life with, even if the love isn’t what they had hoped it would be. So they stay, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And they are miserable.

Know that the only way that you will never love or be loved again is if you stay in this relationship. Fitting a square peg into a round hole only leads to dissatisfaction. If you can let go of this relationship and put yourself out there for a new one, you are way more likely to find one where you can receive the love that you want. And letting go of someone who you can’t love completely is the best gift that you can give them because it will give them the opportunity to find true love as well.

#6 – Because you are trauma bonded to them.

Many people who stay in relationships that aren’t working do so because they are trauma bonded to their person, that they stay with their person not because of love but of some kind of shared trauma that keeps them together.

Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening. Signs of trauma bonding are a need for constant verbal affirmation, a partner manipulating you into doing what they want, an uneven power dynamic, and history constantly repeating itself.

Often times, people who are in relationships that display these signs, become bonded to their partner not because of love but because of toxicity, something that can be very hard to recognize.

So, ask yourself what has happened in your relationship to see if perhaps your bond is not a healthy one.

#7 – Because you are reliant on them for support.

One of the reasons why breaking up is never easy is because, often times, when we have been in a long-term relationship, we can become reliant on our partner. That we need them to support us in order to live our lives.

What that kind of support looks like can be varied. Sometimes it’s financial support, with your partner helping you pay your rent or your tuition. Sometimes it’s emotional; you find that you need your partner to help you get through difficult times. Sometimes it’s just that you enjoy having someone around the house to help you with the chores and the kids.

Whatever kind of support that you get from your partner, know that you will figure things out if you break up with them. After all, you had many years without them, years that you managed just fine, and you will do the same when your break up is complete.

#8 – Because you don’t want to start dating again.

I get it! Dating sucks! Nobody wants to do it if they don’t have to.

But that’s no reason to stay with someone.

If you are staying with someone because you don’t want to date again, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Yes, dating can be a horrible thing, but it is a thing that leads you to find the person who you’re meant to be with. Having to get back on the horse might be daunting, but it isn’t the end of the world. You can date. You have done so before. And you can do so again.

Yes, the prospect might feel yucky, but you can’t do it!

#9 – Because hope never dies.

One of the most interesting things about human beings is that, inherently, hope never dies.

I often wonder about people who are in plane crashes and, if until the moment the plane crashes, do they have hope that they will survive. I am guessing they do. The human heart and brain wants to believe that it will all work out in the end.

Are you hoping that if you just hold onto this relationship, you can make it work? Are you hoping that if you are a better person, or can give your partner more, or if they can change, that you can live happily ever after? If yes, know that what you are believing could just be hope and not based in any sort of reality.

Heartbreaking I know, but true.

So there you go, 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

I know that you don’t want to do this. I know that the prospect of being alone, of hurting someone, of having to start dating all over again, is making you hesitate to let go of your person.

But, hopefully, having an understanding that why you might be having a hard time breaking up with someone is not because you truly love them, but because of reasons that are way more complex.

I know you can do this. I know you can break up with this person, to free you both up to find love and happiness. Go for it!