7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology
I always tell people that the best way to get over an ex is to go “no contact” – specifically to block them on their phone so that they can’t get in touch. After all, if you aren’t in contact with your ex, the toxic cycle that has led to the break up will be stopped in its tracks, the pain will fade and life will go on.
Interestingly, when I suggest this to men, they see it’s value and have no hesitation to block their ex. Unfortunately, almost without exception, when I suggest that a woman block her ex I am immediately met with push back, most specifically with the phrase “that seems awfully harsh.”
After talking to a client who has repeatedly refused to block a series of exes, no matter how toxic they are, I decided to dig into what experts say about why women make choices that self-sabotage, namely not blocking their ex. I thought that understanding it might help me help women overcome their hesitation and do the very thing that will allow them to move on and find the love they seek.
#1 – Our brains will choose pleasure over pain every time.
According to Mandy Napier, Master Practitioner of Neurological Repatterning and Behavioral Change, human beings are fundamentally drawn towards pleasure and away from pain. The reason for this is because of two parts of the brain that have an uneasy co-existence.
Every brain has two sides – the conscious (logic and intellect) and the unconscious (emotions and memories). The subconscious mind is significantly more powerful than the conscious mind. As a result, much of our decision making is done with our emotions and based on that which gives us pleasure, conveniently ignoring the conscious brain that knows better. As a result, we make illogical choices that might not be in our best interest in the long term. Even worse, when confronted with change, the subconscious mind releases a chemical which fuels doubt and fear which, in turn, leads us to create stories that justify our inability to make change.
When faced with the idea of blocking someone, a woman’s conscious mind might know what she should do but the unconscious mind fuels sadness and fear, something that keeps her from doing what she intellectually knows is best for her.
#2 – We struggle with feelings of self-worth.
According to therapist Dr. Pat Allen, “The only way you know you love yourself…is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep.” Unfortunately, our unconscious brain, which stores our memories, is full of memories of broken commitments and bad decisions, memories that can lead us to have low-self esteem.
It is just this feeling of being a failure that keeps us from doing something good for ourselves. After all, we have made so many bad choices in the past, choices that have brought us to this place, why should we trust ourselves to do the right thing for us now?
And so we default to the thing the gives us pleasure in the moment – being on the other side of the phone should our ex decide to contact us, even if we know, deep down, that we are only sabotaging our sense of self-worth by doing so.
#3 – We always put the needs of others first.
Therapist Rosjke Hasseldine writes about “The Culture of Female Service.” This school of thought speaks to the cultural beliefs that women are the nurturing gender and that it is a woman’s role to nurture their family and relationships. This school of thought is one that is continually reinforced with the generational pattern of women to put everyone else’s needs above their own. I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.
Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to put their needs second, prioritizing the feelings of their partner. Even in a break up, women tend to prioritize their partner’s needs. One of my clients wouldn’t block her ex because “he was in pain,” in spite of the fact that every time she heard from him it was like a dagger to her heart.
#4 – Overcoming ambivalence is hard to do.
If there is one thing that it is innately human, its the struggle to make a decision. And this ambivalence, according to Dr. Allan Zuckoff, is exactly the thing that makes it difficult to take action in one way or another. When faced with making a decision we, both consciously and unconsciously, weigh the costs vs the benefits – to get what we want, what must we sacrifice to do so.
When it comes to deciding whether or not to block an ex, women struggle with this cost/benefit equation. While the benefits might be significant – letting go of a toxic relationship, no longer being re-injured, an end to the pain – the cost are significant too – shutting the door of the relationship, the fear of intense pain, the letting go of things ending differently. The trade off, unfortunately, isn’t crystal clear. Furthermore, because many women struggle with low self-esteem, especially at the end of a relationship, getting clarity about what they should do is almost impossible.
And so, unable to equalize the costs/benefit equation, women maintain the status quo and don’t block their ex.
#5 – We are addicted to the text alert.
I always say that letting go of a relationship, especially one that is toxic or involves a married man, is much like letting go of an addiction. And one’s cell phone plays a significant role in fueling those addictive behaviors, making them harder to let go of.
According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer, the brain chemistry of someone in love is similar to the brain chemistry of someone who has taken drugs or eaten chocolate or had a drink. All these things trigger chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin, all feel good chemicals that influence romantic bonds. When a relationship ends, the production of these chemicals ceases, leaving many people, especially women, craving more.
One way that those feel good chemicals are produced is when a text alert from an ex comes across one’s phone. Those feel good chemicals surge again, making someone feel high. Unfortunately, those chemicals only last so long and that woman is soon left feeling depleted. If a woman blocks her ex, she knows that she is forever letting go of that wonderful feeling that she gets when she receives a text, the idea of which leads to desperation and despair.
#6 – Repeated self-sabotaging negative thoughts derail us.
I know that my clients all know that blocking their exes is the right thing to do, that it will ultimately help them move on. Unfortunately, those same clients tend to get bogged down with persistent negative thoughts about themselves and their lives, ones that are ultimately self-sabotaging.
According to Dr. Judy Ho, every person has thousands of thoughts a day, some of them positive and, unfortunately, many of them negative. While one might think that these negative thoughts are just thoughts, because they are so often repeated, they soon become habits and therefore driving forces in the decisions that we make, many of which are self-sabotaging.
When it comes to blocking an ex, these self-sabotaging thoughts rear their ugly head. Sometimes women catastrophize – going directly to the worse case scenario if they block them, perhaps that they will be alone forever. They might hesitate to block their ex because because they don’t him to be in pain. And, most often, their self-sabotaging thoughts tell them that they just can’t do it.
And so they don’t.
#7 – Our happiness depends on the happiness of others.
I stumbled upon a term recently, “happiness by proxy,” a term which means our own happiness depends on the happiness of others. If there is anything that describes a woman, it is this term.
Because women have the innate need to care for others, when others are unhappy, they are too. When told that the best way to end a toxic relationship and move on is by blocking the person who hurt them, paradoxically, women worry about how their ex will FEEL if they do that. Will they be confused? Sad? Angry? Or, even worse, happy?
As a result, women don’t want to block their ex because they won’t know how their ex will feel and worry about not being able to help them and therefore feel miserable themselves. Of course, if a woman doesn’t block her ex, her ex might be happier that he can reach her but only at her expense.
Not being able to block an ex is the number one reason why women are not able to get out of a toxic relationship.
By staying attached to their ex, even if just electronically, they will never be able to let go.
Perhaps if a woman is aware of why she just can’t block her ex, that it could be because of a negative thought patterns or low self-esteem or a form of addiction, perhaps she can recognize that she doesn’t stay because of some love for him but perhaps something else that she struggles with.
Blocking her ex and letting him go just could be the first step in overcoming these struggles which could, in turn, give her happy ending.
I am a NYC based Certified Life Coach and mental health advocate. My writing has been published on The Huffington Post, Prevention, Psych Central, Pop Sugar, MSN and The Good Man Project, among others. I work with all kinds of people to help them go from depressed and overwhelmed to confident and happy in their relationships and in their world.
#9 – Because hope never dies.