The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are considering getting into an affair with a married man, there are some things that you should know, namely that the feelings that you are having right now, feelings of love and anticipation, are not the only emotions that you will feel as the affair goes on.

I know that the idea of having an affair is complex – guilt at the infidelity but also excitement about the new feelings that you are feeling. You should know that, unfortunately, those feelings of guilt will never go away and that excitement will turn to misery.

As someone who has been there, and someone who has coached dozens of women who are having an affair, let me share will you the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

#1 – You will feel intense joy, joy that you have never felt before.

Am I right? Are you feeling joyful, perhaps in a way that you have never felt before?

Have you met this wonderful man and grown to believe that you are soul mates and that there has never been a love like this in the world? Are you wondering how you have gotten through your life without the love of this man?

Women who fall in love with married men feel an intense amount of joy as the falling happens. While the reason for this might seem because they have found their perfect match, what it really is is the release of those “feel good” chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals that are released at the beginning of every relationship.

So, know that those feelings that you are feeling aren’t necessarily the feelings of finding a soul mate but just feelings that every other woman at the onset of a relationship feels.

#2 – You will feel hopeful, perhaps for the first time in a long time.

I know that when I had fell in love with a married man I, for the first time in a long time, felt hopeful. I had been divorced for six years. I had dated a myriad of men, none of whom stuck. When my college crush reappeared, I thought that I was going to finally live happily ever after.

That sense of hopefulness was delicious but, unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

#3 – You will feel wicked, an emotion that might cause you internal conflict.

According to clinical psychologist Max von Sabler, when people do something that they know is “bad,” they experience something called “cognitive dissonance,” namely holding two conflicting beliefs or values at once. This cognitive dissonance can cause us to do things that we know aren’t great for us – like having an affair.

The reasons that we do these things are myriad. Sometimes we do them for immediate gratification over long term health. Sometimes, when we do something “bad,” our body releases dopamine, a reward response that makes us want more. Sometimes we do something “wrong” because of trauma that we have had in our past.

Regardless of the cause, feeling wicked is an emotion that will cause you some mental anguish and, when those emotions appear, it will be the moment where the cycle of emotions flips from very good to very bad.

#4 – You will feel jealousy, jealousy that he goes home to someone else.

Right now, you might be feeling like your person loves you more than anyone else in the world, especially more than his wife. After all, they supposedly live separate lives, they never have sex, they fight all the time and the marriage is effectively over. Supposedly.

As time goes on, in spite of his declarations of love and his repeated promises, he will choose his wife over you every time. His wife will be his priority. His wife will be the one who he goes home to every night.

So remember, while you might feel sure of his love now, you will question that emotion as time goes on.

#5 – You will feel anxiety, anxiety that he will never leave his wife.

I know that when I was having an affair with a married man I lived in a state of constant anxiety. I spent all of my time  wondering if he had “had the talk” with his wife. If he had told her that he was leaving her. I wondered if he loved me. I wondered why he would make me promises that he wouldn’t keep. All of those worries took over my life, ultimately making me feel unloved and unworthy.

#6 – You will feel a lack of trust because of his continued broken promises.

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, “trust is embedded in every fiber of a relationship.”

A lack of trust is born of betrayal, something that your married man does every time that he makes promises but doesn’t keep them. When people feel betrayed, particularly over and over, they no longer trust their person to keep them safe and this, over time, erodes the relationship.

#7 – You will feel unimportant as he continues to not prioritize you.

Much like your married man choosing his wife over you more often than not, he will also not prioritize you over most aspects of his life.

Your man will choose his kids’ soccer games, his work events, taking his dog to the vet, spending time with his extended family over you. Even worse, as he is doing these things, he will tell you that you are his priority – something that he might believe but that is obviously a lie.

Feeling unimportant will ultimately erode your self esteem, leaving you wondering why you aren’t worthy of someone picking you first. I know that when I was having an affair, after a year I was a shell of myself. Always being second destroyed my self-esteem, making me questions my worthiness in every aspect of my life.

#8 – You will feel hopeless because all the hope you felt at the beginning will be gone.

Remember at the beginning of this article I spoke of the hope that you would feel if you got into a relationship with a married man – hope that you had found the happiness and love that you had dreamed of?

Unfortunately, over time, as a married man repeated breaks his promises and always puts you second, that sense of hope will not only disappear but a sense of hopelessness will replace it, a hopelessness that will be more intense than any that you have ever felt before.

You will feel hopeless that you will never be with your married man (and questioning if you should be with a man who treats you the way he does). You will feel hopeless that you will ever find someone who can truly love you.  You will feel hopeless because you feel like no man could ever replace the married man you love so much.

All of that wonderful hope that you felt in the beginning will be gone, replaced with the feeling that you will never be happy again.

# 9 – You will feel abandoned because he will never leave his wife.

This is the most notable emotion that you will feel in the cycle of your affair – abandonment.

I know that you have not yet given up hope that your married man will leave his wife – your emotions are winning the battle over your brain on this topic.

But, let me tell you – your married man will NEVER leave his wife. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his kids, wrecking his finances and perhaps damaging his social life. And no man is going to do that.

I have a client whose married man told her he was going to leave his wife. He even got an apartment. And, when his wife found out about his affair partner, she gave him 90 days to figure out what he wanted – his affair partner or his family. Ultimately, he chose his family, leaving my client with a sense of abandonment that devastated her.

So, there you go – the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I know that right now it all feels like sunshine and roses but I want to make sure that you know going in that that sunshine will turn to storm clouds and those roses will bare their thorns.

You will not live happily ever after with this man – that I can promise you.

11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

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11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

Relationship are complicated. While the falling-in-love part is easy and fun, maintaining that love can be a challenge. A challenge whose outcome can be wonderful but a challenge nonetheless.

Many people don’t know that taking care of each other’s well being is a key part of that challenge and that doing so effectively can keep a relationship strong. Notably, people are often aware of the importance of taking care of each other and yet can be paralyzed as to what exactly it is that they should do.

To that end, let me share 11 ways that you can take care of your partner’s well being, and they can take care of yours, and keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Learn each other’s love language – and use them.

For those of you who don’t know about love languages, it’s time to learn. There is a reason that I put them first on this list – they are that important.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages – physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. For each person, these love languages are ranked most important to least important. The most important one is the language that makes that person feel loved.

The key to these love languages is that people often give to their partner the thing that makes them feel loved and not the thing that their person needs to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and fissures in relationship can be the result.

Take this quiz and learn your partners love language – you will be glad you did!

#2 – Recognize that mistakes they make aren’t necessarily tied to their feelings for you.

Have you heard (or said) this phrase at any time in your relationship – “If you loved me you would…”? Probably yes.

One of the most insidious things in relationships is that people, particularly women, often take things personally; they believe that their person’s actions are tied to whether or not they love them.

I have a client whose husband promised to look at the windows for their new addition on his way home from work. He didn’t.  He got distracted at the end of his day and just forgot. She was furious and took it as a sign that he didn’t love her. Which was NOT true – he just forgot.

So, recognize that, in spite of behavior that might upset you, your person’s actions aren’t necessarily tied to the amount of love they have for you.

#3 – Be interested in their interests, even if you aren’t really interested.

When people first meet, they make a huge effort to get to know the things that their partner is interested in. For me with my husband, it was steam engines, something that had literally never crossed my mind before I met him. I spent a ton of time going to steam engine events, which were interesting but the real reason that I went was to spend time with my guy.

As the years have passed, I don’t go to steam engine shows with my husband. Even though they are important to him, pretending interest in them to me seems like a waste of time – I would rather be doing something that interests me.

But, I know that I should still be interested in them, for HIM. He really appreciates my interest and loves that I share them with him. So, I do it. And it’s great, for both of us.

#4 – Don’t be passive aggressive.

One of the things that can cause the most damage in a relationship is passive aggression.

Chris Getman, writing for The Agency Arsenal, shared signs of passive aggression as defined by experts. A partial list of those signs include giving backhanded compliments, making wistful comments, playing the victim, not letting things go, sulking, and giving the silent treatment.

The thing is, passive aggression will never make a couple stronger, especially if it used as a means to communicate about issues in a relationship. Not only is it a highly ineffective method of communication, it is one that, if used regularly, will slowly erode the health of any relationship.

take care of each other's feelings

#5 – Celebrate their successes, big and small.

Again, when we first get into a relationship, we are happy to celebrate our partner’s accomplishments. After all, we love them dearly and are so happy when they are doing well.

Unfortunately, as relationships go one, people get apathetic. While they might see that their partner is doing something that merits celebration, and they are happy for them, they might fail to celebrate them, even just with words of recognition. As a result, a partner can feel alone in their success, something that doesn’t feel very good.

So celebrate your partners successes, the big ones and the small.

#7 – Remember, no one means to hurt someone else.

It is rare in a relationship that one person sets out to hurt the other person. After all, with a few exceptions (namely passive aggressive people), no one wants to hurt someone else, especially someone they care about.

When your partner hurts you, for reasons big and small, try to remember that what has happened is most likely a mistake, not something that was premeditated to cause you pain. If we get to the point in a relationship that we feel like our person is out to hurt us, it’s hard to feel safe. And this lack of safety is a key factor in the demise of many a relationship.

#8 – Acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are authentic.

Be honest. Does your partner sometimes try to tell you how they are feeling and do you scoff and tell them that they are wrong to feel that way? That if they could just see things from your point of view they would feel differently? Or perhaps that their feelings aren’t authentic and that they are trying to manipulate you?

More often than not, when someone expresses their feelings, they are expressing how they truly feel. They might not be very good at expressing these feelings but they are feelings that they are feeling. In a healthy relationship, their partner will listen to the expression of these feelings and recognize their authenticity. They might not agree with them, but they won’t tell them that they are wrong.

So, next time your partner shares their feelings, tell them that you hear them. Making your partner feel heard is a key to keeping your relationship happy!

#9 – Don’t take each other for granted.

This is a big one that happens in relationships – that we start to take each other for granted.

I know that, when I was married and my ex and I were having struggles, I always just took it for granted that we would have time “later” to figure things out; that he would always be there. And I was wrong. Because I took him for granted, when “later” came, it was too late.

Be honest with yourself. Do you take your partner for granted? Do you take the things that they do for you for granted? Do you give them the attention that they need and deserve for their presence in your life? If not, give them that attention. Let them know how much you appreciate them.

#10 – Give them space to flourish.

In many relationships, couples become so entwined in each other’s lives that each of them slowly loses a sense of themselves, of who they were before they became a couple. And, because of this, they stop flourishing individually, something that is one of the keys to individual happiness.

It is important that each partner give the other person the opportunity to pursue their own interests, to do the things that they love to do, the things that give them joy.

Many people believe that a happy couple is one who spends all of their time together. I have a friend who I hadn’t seen for years whose husband always posts happy pictures of them on Facebook, so I assumed she was happy. When I saw her recently I learned the truth – she was miserable. She still loved her husband but being with him every minute of every day was just too hard for her.

So, give each other some space. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

#11 – Don’t forget the importance of physical touch.

According to the health and wellness experts at Carl Todd Clinics, physical touch is a key to a happy life. When someone is not getting touched, they are experiencing something that they call “physical touch starvation.” When this occurs, people can become depressed, anxious and lonely. Obviously, in a relationship, this kind of starvation is not good.

Physical touch produces “feel good” chemicals in our body, like oxytocin and dopamine, ones that can help reduce loneliness and improve mental health.

It’s important to remember that physical touch is not just about sex. It can be hugs or holding hands or patting someone on the butt. All of these things create good feelings, ones that can only make a relationship better.

So there you go – 11 ways couples can take care of each other’s well being and keep their relationship strong.

Good for you for reading this far. I know that you want to make sure that your relationship is strong and healthy and that it will last a lifetime.

So, go for it! You can do it!

Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

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Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

The beginning of every relationship is a magical time, full of hopes and dreams for the future and relief that we have finally found our person. When a relationship turns toxic, those dreams are dashed and life becomes miserable. Even worse, sometimes we don’t leave a toxic relationship, hoping it will improve, causing us more damage and disillusionment.

If you have finally escaped from a toxic relationship, know that there is a bright side to your toxic experience – that you can learn what you DON’T want in a relationship and that life can and will go on.

I know that this doesn’t seem possible right now but it is!

Let me share with you the things that you can learn from a toxic relationship, things that can help you find the love you seek!

#1- That you will never again ignore relationship red flags.

According to Dr. Lawrence Josephs, women are pros at ignoring symptoms of toxic relationships because they are, first and foremost, fixers. They believe that anything that is wrong in their relationship can be fixed with a little bit of love, acceptance and time. As a result, they stay in a relationship truly believing that if they do, things will change.

It is important that, as you move onto a new relationship, you commit to yourself that you will never try to fix your person. If you see red flags in someone else’s behavior, hit the road immediately. After all, no amount of love or patience can fix someone else’s behavior. They need to want to change in order to do so.

#2 – That you are not your attachment style.

Many women truly don’t believe that they aren’t worthy of a healthy love. The reasons that they feel that way are often the result of an unhealthy attachment style.

According to Dr Amy Marschall, many women who don’t believe that they are worthy of love don’t because of attachment issues. Most often, these attachment issues are the result of an unhealthy parent/child dynamic. They can also be the result of past traumatic relationships.

It is important that, as you move out of this relationship, you recognize that you are worthy of love. Yes, you might have an attachment style that makes this difficult but understanding your attachment style and working to build a healthy relationship in spite of it will help you move on.

#3 – That you will never let someone else have power over you.

For every relationship, it is important that the power dynamic is mostly equal. That each person has a say in what happens in the relationship and that each person is comfortable with decisions that are made. Unfortunately, when people are caught up in toxic relationships, they don’t see that their partner might have an unhealthy power over them.

It is important that, as you move forward, you pay attention to the power dynamic in your relationship. Never let another person have a power over you that is destructive. And don’t tell yourself that you aren’t powerful.  You have made it this far in your life – much of it under your own power!

#4 – That great sex does not mean a healthy relationship.

So many of my clients who are trying to escape from a toxic relationship say that one of the reasons that they stay, one of the reasons that they still believe there is love in the relationship, is because of how great the sex is. After all, how can a relationship be a toxic one when they are still so physically connected to their partner.

According to Psychology Today, people who are in toxic relationships have an unhealthy attachment to sex. They love the thrill of make up sex. They use sex as a replacement for love. They use sex as a way to tie themselves to another person. Sex can indicate security when comes from a place of love but in a toxic relationship it is just a mask for the symptoms.

Going forward, recognize that great sex is not a substitute for love.

#5 –  That you will never again make excuses about someone else’s behavior.

Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you say that he is impatient because he has been working so hard? Do you say that his anger towards you is your fault? Do you say that he is a good person, even as he is abusive?

People who feel the need to repeatedly excuse their partner’s behaviors are often in a toxic relationship and are ignoring the red flags. It is important that, going forward, you notice red flags and do not excuse them away.

surviving a toxic relationsihp

#6 – That you must love yourself fully and not look elsewhere to fill that need.

It’s almost an epidemic in our country – women who just don’t love themselves and who look to others to “complete them.” Society, and social media especially, has set us women up to fail with its high expectations that are impossible to reach, impossible standards of beauty and success that pervade our every day lives.

It is imperative that you take some time to learn to love yourself; to accept yourself as the amazing woman that you are, even if the person you see in the mirror looks nothing like the filtered influencers you see online. Because, if you can love yourself, you won’t need another person to “complete you” and won’t stay in a toxic relationship hoping for it to happen.

#7 – That things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

This is probably the number one thing that I hear from clients who are struggling to escape from a toxic relationship – that, if they just love their partner enough, things will go back to the way that they were in the beginning – when their partner was lovely and kind and they had hopes for the future.

Unfortunately, even in healthy relationships, things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. The dopamine that our bodies produce when we are falling is love is different from the dopamine released in a healthy, committed relationship. It produces a calmer, more settled feeling, one that is not as intense as the initial craziness.  In a toxic relationship, that dopamine might be gone forever.

Accept that, even if your relationship becomes a healthy one, it will never go back to the way it was in the beginning and don’t set it as a standard that you are looking for in a happy relationship.

So, how can you recover from a toxic relationship, move on and find the love that you want?

According to the Baylor College of Medicine, there are 7 steps that one must take in order to fully recover from a toxic relationship.

#1- Accept that the relationship was toxic.

Acceptance is the key to making any sort of change. If you can accept that your relationship was toxic, you are taking the first huge step towards healing.

#2 – Make the decision to heal.

Many people tell me they are ready to heal but they are still holding on to what could be. If you can fully embrace healing you are on the road to mending.

#3 – Feel your feelings.

We Americans love to hold in our feelings. To “be strong.” Unfortunately, doing so just isn’t healthy. Feel your feelings – cry, scream, whatever you have to do. Get them out of your body so that you can get healthy again.

#4 – Get help from a professional.

Getting help from someone who has experience helping people get past toxic relationships is key to the healing process. So reach out to a therapist or a life coach (like me!) to get help, now.

#5 – Take care or yourself.

I know that you just want to eat ice cream on the couch but now is not the time. Of course, you can eat some ice cream, but get up off the coach and take a walk or go for a swim as well. Keep your body strong.

#6 – Set goals.

This is the time to set goals for yourself. Whether its to get healthy and strong or to spend more time with your friends or to take a cruise around the world, now is the time to look ahead at a future that is full of things that make you happy.

#7 – Find a support group.

There is nothing better than being surrounded by a group of people who are going through the same thing that you are and, maybe even have come out the other side. Find a group of people either online or in person. There are many women going through the same thing that you are right now.

If you have read this far I know that you are looking to survive your toxic relationship.

Good for you. Knowing that you can learn lessons from your toxic relationship so that you can move forward in a healthy way is a key to that survival.

Keep up the good work. You can do it!

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