The #1 Thing That Makes Your Wife Feel Safe and Secure

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Good for you for wondering what makes your wife feel safe and secure.

Many men don’t do that and, as a result, their marriages fail.

I know that when I was married, my husband tried to make me feel safe. He worked hard, walked on the curbside of the road, anticipated what action he would take in every bad scenario but he never truly made me feel safe.

We are divorced now not surprisingly.

So, what is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure?

You are going to love this one truly. I know that it’s incredibly hard but you can do it!

The #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure communication!

Ok, so, now you know Let me tell you why and how you can communicate in a way that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

#1 – If you communicate with your wife she will trust you.

Ok, this one might be hard to understand.

How can communicating with your wife make her trust you?

Ask yourself do you know what is going on in your wife’s head every day? Do you know if she is working through a problem, feeling hopeful for the future, wondering who is going to pick up the kids from school, how she will ever be able to go to the gym?

I am guessing probably not.

And, chances are, she can’t read your mind either.

So, there you are, going about your day, having no idea how your spouse is feeling, not knowing the things that they are managing, maybe struggling to manage.

If you guys talk to each other, things will change dramatically.

For example, if your wife is feeling frustrated by all of the things on her plate, by you asking her what she has going on, she will know that you care. If you ask her how she is doing, she can celebrate with you that she is doing well or share with you that she is struggling. If you share with her that your day is crazy and that you won’t get home in time for dinner, she might be disappointed but she can plan accordingly.

In all of these cases, it’s talking to each other that makes your woman feel safe because it makes her trust you, to trust that you are being open and transparent with her.

Talking to her makes her feel seen and heard. Talking to her makes her feel confident that you know what is going on in your lives. Talking to her makes her secure that she can trust you to help her manage her moods and all the crazy things that are going on in both of your lives.

I know that communication can be challenging for men. Women spend 24/7 communicating with other women in their lives and they have always done so. As a result, communication is easy. Men haven’t exercised that muscle as much and therefore they struggle with it.

But you can do it. If the goal is to make your wife feel safe and secure, communication can make your wife trust you and therefore feel that way.

#2 – If you communicate with your wife she will feel loved.

For women, a lot of feeling safe and loved is feeling like we are being heard and appreciated. It is being told that we are doing things well and that we are being noticed. It is being empathized with when we are struggling.

Think about the times where you and your wife have been forced to communicate. Perhaps it’s because of a fight. Perhaps it was because you needed to co-ordinate the kid’s hockey schedule. Perhaps it is because you go out to dinner and actually spend a few hours across the table from each other, talking about this and that.

While the fight was, I am sure, uncomfortable, it was, to some degree at least, a form of communication. And, if the fight was resolved and the issue put to bed, that is a success for both of you. Do you often find that you have make up sex after a fight, after being forced to communicate? And I am guessing sex makes her feel safe and secure, no?

Perhaps if you talk together about making a plan for the soccer weekend, she will know that you will be a part of how it’s all going to come together and that she is not alone in making things happen. That would feel really good, to not have to carry the whole load on her shoulders.

Perhaps it’s just a night out, the two of you. Talking about this and that but actually talking to each other and not at each other.

In all of those instances, you make your wife feel safe and secure. You make her feel loved. And feeling loved is what a woman wants, more than almost anything in the world!

#3 – If you communicate with your wife you will stay connected.

The number one thing that causes a marriage to disintegrate is the absence of communication.

Think about when you were first together. Didn’t you stay up late at night, talking about your hopes and dreams. There weren’t many hours spent making plans for the weekend or for a vacation. Were there regular dinners out, talking about sports and clothes and pets and holidays?

Didn’t you feel connected? So connected, in fact, that you asked her to marry you.

And now, here you are, however many years down the road and that connection has disintegrated.

Kids and work and chores and money and extended family, all of the mundane things of everyday life, have gotten in the way of you and your wife feeling connected.

And, when your wife isn’t feeling connected, she isn’t feeling safe and secure.

Talking with you, her partner in life and love, will allow her to feel the connection that she once felt, to feel loved and safe and certain about the future.

Again, if your wife feels connected to you, she is way more likely to want to have sex with you. If that isn’t enough of an argument for working on your communication skills, I don’t know what is.

So, there you go, why communication is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

I know that the idea is scary. That you don’t think that you can communicate in a way that will make her feel all of those things (although perhaps you know that you can, in which case, go for it!)

What I want to remind you is that you do have the ability to communicate. I mean, you did it at the beginning of your relationship, well enough that she agreed to marry you. So, can dig deep, find that communication muscle and start to work it?

I would encourage you to talk to someone (namely me!) to help you work on building your communication skills. There are also some great articles and videos on social media that can help you out.

All of this being said, there is one way that communicate will NOT make your wife feel safe and secure listening to her and then trying to fix her.

Woman want to be heard and empathized with they don’t to be fixed. I would encourage you to think about this because, for many men, the instinct to fix instead of listen is almost innate. If you can be aware of this and try to listen and not fix, you will go a long way towards making your wife feel safe and secure.

Here is a video that I love. It shows (in a humorous way) how to communicate with your woman to make her feel loved and to not fix her.

You can make your wife feel safe and secure. I know you can!

5 Reasons You Are Feeling Unstable After Your Husband Walked Out

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If you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out on you, know that you are not alone! Having someone you love leave you suddenly would rock even the strongest woman’s world.

The end of any relationship is horrible, especially a marriage where finances and children are often involved. And, when a husband walks out, the woman is usually left in the house, with the kids, trying to figure out how to keep life normal while she and her husband figure out next steps.

And, because you have never done this before, you might find yourself paralyzed, lacking balance and scared shitless.

Understanding why you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out is the best way to figure out how to manage it so you can be clear headed as you move forward, whether you stay married or not!

#1 – You are in shock.

I remember when my ex-husband told me he was leaving me. It happened out of the blue and it hit me hard. We were driving across country and he told me on hour one what his plan was. We had two more days alone in that car, not really talking about anything. I was almost emotionless the whole time. It was weird. And horrible

Once we got back home, I found myself doing wonky things. I sent my husband’s new girlfriend a letter asking her to give us space to figure out our marriage. Not well received. I drove my dogs to the dog park and hit a deer and kept on going. I found myself curled up in a ball when my cat and dog got into a tiff.

I believe that, after the adrenaline of the announcement had worn off, I went into shock. Much like after an accident or an injury, my husbands announcement caused my brain was flooded with chemicals that kept me at high alert for survival. Once those chemicals word off, I was left in neurogenic shock, shock caused by extreme emotional disturbance, shock that is often characterized by disorientation and disassociation.

So, if you are finding yourself unstable after your husband walked it, it just might be because you are in shock.

The good news is shock usually wears off on its own. So give yourself some time. Take care of yourself, get some sleep, have a glass of wine with friends. Anything that will help calm your nervous system and help you to be less unstable.

#2 – You have never done this before.

For those of us who have been through a divorce, we know exactly what it’s all about. But I am guessing that one of the reasons that you are feeling stable after your husband walked out is because you have never done this before. How the heck does one dissolve a marriage and move on?

When we are confronted with a problem, we most likely have encountered, if not the same problem, something like it before, and we have some framework to work with to solve it. Not so with divorce. Perhaps you have seen friends or family go through it but you have never been through it yourself.

And, as a result, having NO IDEA what do might have left you paralyzed and unstable.

I was very lucky. Soon after my husband walked out I met a woman who had been through the divorce process 5 years earlier. Her divorce had been horrible and yet she had made it through and found the love of her life.

This wonderful woman became my mentor and, without her wisdom, experience and guidance, I never would have made it through my divorce as successfully as I did.

So, know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it’s very likely because you have a process ahead of you that you have no idea how to navigate. It is no wonder you want to curl up in bed for the next month or two.

#3 – Your future is hazy.

Yesterday I am guessing that your future was pretty clear. Maybe your marriage was struggling to some degree but you were sure that you would be able to work it out. You had the home that you shared, the kids that you cared for together, finances that were intertwined and, maybe, healthy. You had built a life together and you could see the future together pretty clearly.

And now, today, all of that is gone. And what is left? The vast unknown future. And there is nothing scarier than a future that is uncertain!

I know that when my husband left, I was petrified. Our kids were off at college so I didn’t have to deal with their daily lives but there was still lots of things to manage. And, while he was the one who left, my ex wasn’t much of a planner so figuring out next steps was on me!

So what did I do? I sat down and made a list of everything that I was going to have to deal with finances, housing, kid’s schedules, lawyers, mediators, extended family, social plans etc. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to figure everything out right away but once I had it all down on paper I was able to start thinking things through.

Here is an article that might be helpful for you if you are wanting to plan next steps.

And, to be honest, focusing on details really helped me become more stable. Yes, I was devastated that my marriage was most likely over but taking charge and being the one driving outcomes, instead of being curled up in a ball in my bed, helped me feel stronger and steadier pretty quickly.

#4 – You are feeling alone.

I am guessing that for the past how every many years, you and your husband have slept together in the same bed. You have your breakfast routines, lunch time check ins, evening cocktails, bed time habits etc. And now, out of nowhere, even if your kids are still at home, you are doing all of those things alone.

It is very interesting how many people, even if they hated doing these things with their spouses, and they usually involved lots of sarcasm and bickering, say that this is the first thing that really hits them hard they are now doing all of those things alone.

And for many women, being alone is a very uncomfortable place.

One of my closest friends had never been alone, without a partner, her entire adult life. She was the one who wanted the divorce very wise of her but she found out that, with her husband gone, there was big empty space in the house. She wondered if she every would get used to it!

But it didn’t take long for her to come to savor that empty space. A fair amount of it got eaten up by pets and kids and her work but, before long, she relished crawling into bed, in the flannel sheets that she bought because her ex hated them, and knowing that she was going to sleep well without snoring.

So know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it might very well be because you are feeling alone. And that is ok. And you will get used to it. I promise!

#5 – You are worried about your kids.

If you are a mother and your husband has just walked out I am sure that a HUGE part of why you are feeling so unstable is because you are worried about your kids.

For as long as your kids have been alive it has been your job to keep them healthy and happy. You teach them how to walk and talk and laugh and cry. To trust and believe and have hope. To know that they are loved unconditionally and that you will keep them safe.

Your husband walking out might have a very big effect on all of the work that you have done over the years to keep your family feeling that way.

I know that I fought harder for my marriage because I wanted my kids to have a mother and a father in the house. I was the child of divorce and both of my parents set a very bad example for us around their marriage and divorce and I didn’t want that for my kids. I wanted to do things differently so they wouldn’t have to struggle in romantic relationships like I had to.

My husband walking out put all that I had worked for in jeopardy.

It was a rough few years for my kids. I won’t lie about that. There was a lot of anger and animosity between their parents and they had to deal with a lot of tears and loss. But, ultimately, it was the absolute best thing that could have happened to them, to all of us.

Instead of being in a house full animosity between their parents, my kids came home to a parent who was happy. They got to know their father better because their mother wasn’t around to do everything for them. They got to see their father get into a relationship where he was happy and for their mother to find herself again, build a business and ultimately find a man who loved her completely.

And, unlike my parents, who lied to us for years about the end of their marriage, I talked to my kids about everything that was happening. I tried to be as honest as possible. I let them know that I would always be there for them. If they had any questions, I would always respond in an open way, one that inspired discussion. I do think that doing this differently than my parents did it will help my children to have better adult relationships than me and my siblings did.

Again, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, know that you are not alone.

Right now, there are thousands of women all over the country who are experiencing what you are experiencing and I am guessing that they are feeling like their worlds have been completely rocked as well.

I can promise you that you are going to be ok. Right now you are in shock, the future is hazy and you have no idea how you are going to navigate getting there. You are feeling very alone and you are scared for your children. I totally get it.

But someday, sooner than later I am sure, you will find yourself in a better place. You don’t know what the future holds. Maybe you will resolve things with your husband and that will be a good thing.  (Don’t resolve it and have it be a bad thing. That is a huge waste of time.)

Or perhaps you will be like me, happy, successful, an example for my children of living a good life and being a good person.

I know it is hard to believe right now but, take it from me, and the thousand others like me who have been where you are right now, and believe!

5 Things Your Kids Learn When You Cheat

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I know that it feels like an affair is between grown ups and something that kids will never know about but, if they do, the things that your kids learn when you cheat are quite significant and life changing.

We parents work hard to set a good example for our children. We model kindness and honesty because we want our kids to be healthy and happy. And then we go and cheat, something that most likely goes against everything we have taught them. And, with the discovery of an affair, our parental modeling falls apart.

So, if you are considering having an affair, or are in one and wondering if it’s worth it, considering how it might affect your children is a really good idea.

Here are 5 things that your kids learn when you cheat on your spouse.

#1 – That they don’t need to self-soothe.

From almost the moment they are born, we try to teach our children to self-soothe. We let them cry it out when they are falling asleep. We teach them how to manage their emotions and how to work through sadness or disappointment. It’s not an easy thing to teach, especially by adults who struggle to do so themselves.

I have a client who was miserable in her marriage. She had been for years and hadn’t been dealing with it because doing so was difficult. And then she met a co-worker who was in the same space and they were able to share their pain with each other. Before they knew it, their intimate conversations led to feelings of love and attraction. And the affair began.

For the first time in a long time, my client wasn’t miserable. For the first time in a long time, she felt joy and hope for the future. And it was intoxicating.

When she was with her man, she felt wonderful and when she wasn’t, she felt desperate. The pain she was dealing with for years came rushing back when she was living her normal life. Not being with her lover became unbearable.

When her affair was discovered, she tried to explain to her kids that she had been unhappy and that’s why the affair happened. What her kids learned there was that, if you are unhappy, it is okay to reach out to other things to soothe them. Like an affair. Or alcohol or drugs.

Not a good lesson, is it?

#2 – That marriages can be thrown away.

Both of my parents had affairs when I was a child.

I remember vividly going to the office with my dad and knowing that he was having an affair with a co-worker. A strange man used to call my mom all the time. She told us that he was her lawyer.

As a result, from a very young age, I knew that my parent’s relationship wasn’t important to either one of them. They might have pretended that it was but my brother and sister and I all knew it wasn’t.

And, when they got divorced, we were proven exactly right.

My siblings and I, once we started dating, were notorious for never being able to stay in a relationship. We were always looking out for the next shiny thing. Our parents had not taught us how to have respect for a relationship or how to keep one healthy. So, we just stabbed around in the dark, trying to find a relationship that we might consider committing to.

My brother and my sister and I have all had marriages that ended in divorce. Two of us had affairs. We had all sworn that our marriages would be different from our parents and, yet, we had all, unwittingly, learned from their example and followed suit.

So, don’t kid yourself. Your kids are watching and they are learning from you. Don’t, teach them that a marriage is not worth fighting for.

#3 – That they can’t trust their parents.

My father’s first affair happened when I was 7 years old. I was young but I knew, instinctively, that what my father was doing was wrong. That by spending time with another woman he was betraying my mother. And by betraying my mother, he was betraying me.

A child’s relationship with their parents is one based on absolute trust. We need to trust them to learn how to walk, to learn how to interact with others, to learn how to drive a car. They are the foundation of our path to adulthood. And when that trust is broken, our journey to being an adult can be severely damaged.

After the affair, I could no longer rely on them to tell me the truth. When they went to discipline me, I ignored them, knowing that they had nothing to teach me about right and wrong. As a result, my young adulthood was plagued with depression, alcohol and toxic relationships.

That foundational relationship of my life, the one with my parents, one not based on trust, was too weak for me to grow into a healthy adult, one who could be in a healthy relationship with anyone, not even myself.

#4 – That marriages are toxic.

I would say that, almost without exception, affairs happen when relationships are bad. Affairs happen when the disconnect seems insurmountable and leaving seems impossible and that the only solace is reaching for someone else.

And, when kids learn that their parent cheat, they are given a front row seat to just how toxic a marriage can be.

The aftermath of the discovery of an affair is MESSY. Mommies are crying. Daddies are angry. No one is talking. Everyone is pretending that everything is ok but nothing is. This can go on for months or even years.

A child develops their view of marriage from watching their parents. I know that I wanted to believe that I could live happily ever after in my marriage but, in retrospect, I was pretty sure that I knew we wouldn’t make it in the long run. And I was right.

I truly believe that if I had lived in a family where the marriage was based on mutual respect and the ability to communicate, I would have known what a happy marriage looked like and known how to bring that into my own marriage.

But that didn’t happen. And now my kids have two divorced parents. Just like I did.

#5 – That their family isn’t safe.

I know that I keep coming back to this but it is important to say the health of a child’s family is the number one indicator of whether they will be healthy adults. And when an affair is discovered, that family is sickened, often beyond repair.

Think about back to when you were a kid. Think about family birthdays and holidays and vacations. Do you remember how much fun they were? Do you remember how safe you felt when your dad threw you into the water or your mom set down a cake covered with 10 burning candles. You knew that you could rely on these people. That they would always do the right thing for you.

An affair throws all of that into turmoil and, as a result, children no longer feel safe. If their father was willing to love someone other than their mother, how do they know that he won’t find some other children to love as well? If their mother has turned away from their father, how can they believe that she will always be there for them when they need her?

And, knowing that they don’t have a family to keep them safe makes them feel insecure about their place in the world and their hopes for the future. And with that insecurity they venture out into the world, unsure about their place in it.

I know that it’s hard to believe that there are things that you teach your kids when you cheat on your spouse.

I mean, they should be separate right? The affair has nothing to do with the kids, after all.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. Children watch and they listen and they learn. They do not miss anything. When something is off, they know. What they don’t know is what to do if something is off. And, so, they flounder and they act out and they suffer.

Studies have shown that children of cheaters are more likely to be cheaters than those whose parents did not cheat. And, knowing now the painful effect that infidelity can have on someone, wouldn’t you do anything to prevent your child from going through that pain? You wouldn’t intentionally hold your child’s hand to a hot fireplace but you put them right on the path to having an affair and suffering greatly!

So, think carefully about the things that you teach your kids when you cheat on your spouse as you make decisions about what next steps are for you. After all, they should be the priority, right?

 

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

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Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

How and Why Establishing Boundaries Before Marriage Can Build A Stronger Bond

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Have your friends been telling you that establishing boundaries before marriage is a very important of a successful marriage?

Do you want to have be happily married but do you have NO IDEA what boundaries are and how and why to set them up before marriage?

Let me help!

To understand healthymarriage boundaries look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life. Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy relationship, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Boundaries come in all sorts of shapes and colors. Here are a few of the essential ones.

#1 – Always be true to yourself.

For many people, when they are married, they become less of themselves.

Many people, men and women, take on their spouse ‘ s friendships, their hobbies and their ways of doing things.

It is VERY important that all peoplestay themselveswhen in a relationship.

Why? Because every healthy relationship is based on truth and if you are anything other than your true self your marriage will never be really healthy.

It is also important that you continue to respect yourself and you will respect yourself by being yourself. By continuing to have your friends, to do your own hobbies, to have a career that you love and a healthy lifestyle that serves you, you will wake up every day feeling good about yourself.

And, when you feel good about yourself, your partner will love you even more because he knows you are being your true self, someone who is ambitious and smart and willing to take risks to get what she wants.

So, be yourself in your relationship. A healthy marriage requires it.

#2 – Practice compromise.

I have a client whose new husband moved into a house that she already owned. Right away they had issues because it was her house and she wanted to do things her way and that just wasn ‘ t okay with him.

It is important that everyone be flexible in a relationship. Just like you would at work or with your family, it is important to work with your partner so that you can both live a life that is authentic to you.

You know the phrase ‘ My way or the highway? ‘ That phrase has no place in any healthy marriage.

#3 – Maintain mutual respect.

One of the biggest romance killers in a marriage is lack of respect and contempt.

The saying ‘ ˜familiarity breeds contempt ‘ is an accurate one and something that happens in many marriages over the years.

It is important in every relationship that you each respect each other. Respect each other within the confines of your relationship by speaking to each other honestly, sharing your feelings and needs in an open way. By not attacking each other personally and criticizing each other ‘ s behaviors and actions.

Furthermore, it ‘ s important to not criticize your partner out in the world. The general rule of thumb is that you not tell something about your partner to anyone that you haven ‘ t already shared with your partner.

So, make sure you treat each other with respect, both inside and outside the relationship.

#4 – Don ‘ t give up your power.

In many marriages it happens that at some point one person becomes the one calling the shots. And while this seems to work on one level, ultimately the relationship will become uneven. And when power dynamics are unequal, a marriage can change.

Make an effort to keep the decision making even and fair in your marriage. If you are good at organizing your social life then do that but give him opportunity to choose events. If he is good at managing the finances let him do that but continue to have input into where the money goes and why.

Letting your marriage ‘ s playing field become uneven allows it to slip into a sort of parent/child dynamic, where one person is in charge and the other does as they are told. Does that sound like a healthy relationship to you?

Not so much.

#5 – Spend time apart.

When they are falling in love, couples want to spend every available minute together. The feelings that accompany falling in love are addictive and hard to walk away from even for a short while.

It is important, however, that you spend time apart from the one you love.

You know the old saying ‘ ˜absence makes the heart grow fonder? ‘ It ‘ s true!

So, spend some time apart. Miss each other. Value each other. Keep that spark alive.

Now that you know what boundaries looking like we can address why establishing boundaries before marriage is important for a healthy one.

#1 – It helps you know if you are compatible.

Establishing boundaries before you are married is important because, in doing so, you will understand whether or not you are compatible.

In spite of what many women believe, things won’t change when you get married – habits and behaviors that exist pre-marriage will carry over into marriage

If you try to establish boundaries after marriage, and you don ‘ t agree on the how or why of them, then you will be stuck with someone who spending your life with might be difficult. Love is important in marriage but it only goes so far.

So, talk to your partner and spend some time defining your boundaries. Doing so will allow you both to confirm that this marriage is the right choice for you.

#2 – You ‘ ve been practicing.

If you work on establishing boundaries before marriage, when you actually get married you will have been practicing those boundaries, learning what works and what doesn’t. You will have established behaviors and practices that work for both of you, that keep you happier together.

So, when the wedding is over and the birdseed has been thrown, you can feel confident that you can ride off into the sunset together, knowing what is important to both of you and that you both can do the work!

#3 – You are a team.

After marriage comes extended family and babies. Having established boundaries will help you stay strong as a couple while facing these challenges.

Extended families are wonderful and sometimes not so much. Traditions that have been established in one family sometimes don ‘ t work in other families. Mother-in-laws mean well but can be interfering. Babies completely rock your world in so many ways.

If you have a truly strong bond that is the result of the boundaries that you have established, you will have a much better chance of riding out those challenges together.

Establishing boundaries before marriage is a key part building a strong bond between the two of you.

I know that we all think that we have found our soul mate and best friend and that nothing can possibly come between us but the reality is is that marriage is long and hard and it takes work.

If you know what to expect from, and of, each other before you are married then you will have a much better chance of truly being happy.

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must be wondering about establishing boundaries in marriage.

Let me help get you there, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Feeling Depressed with a Newborn Baby? 5 Reasons to Get Help Now

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It ‘ s a scary thing, feeling depressed with a newborn baby.

You had expected this to be the happiest time in your life – you were finally going to be a mother and everything was going to be perfect.

Unfortunately, for some mothers, feeling depressed after giving birth is a reality. And it can be really, really hard.

According to the Mayo Clinic, there are two kinds of depression after child birth – the baby blues and postpartum depression.

The baby blues are characterized by:

  • Moodswings
  • Anxiety
  • Sadness
  • Irritability
  • Overwhelm
  • Tears
  • Lack of concentration
  • Poor eating and poor sleeping

Baby blues generally pass in a few weeks.

Postpartum depression is a different thing completely. It is characterized by:

  • Extreme sadness
  • Extreme mood swings
  • Difficulty bonding
  • Withdrawal
  • Loss of appetite
  • Insomnia
  • Loss of energy
  • Hopelessness
  • Inability to focus
  • Thoughts of self-harm

So, how do you know which you are struggling with?

If any of of the things ring true then you might be struggling with postpartum depression.

  • The symptoms don ‘ t fade
  • The symptoms are getting worse
  • You are struggling to take care of your baby
  • You are struggling with everyday tasks

So, ask yourself where you are with your depression? Do you have a baby who is a few days old and you have been feeling sad or are you a few months in and having a hard time functioning? Somewhere in between?

If you have any questions AT ALL, you should talk to your doctor. Seeking help if you are struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby, is very important for many reasons. Here are a few…

#1 – Things are hard enough.

Having a newborn is really, really hard.

When we leave the hospital, no one hands us a manual about being a parent. Sure, we have been told about the sleepless nights, the bleeding nipples, the messy diapers but until we actually experience those things we have no idea.

When we are struggling with depression on top of all of the challenges of having a newborn things can become unmanageable quickly.

The best thing that you can do to survive parenting a newborn is managing your moods. If you are depressed, get help immediately so that you can keep yourself healthy and strong in the short and long term.

#2 – Things can get worse.

I know it ‘ s hard to believe, with how bad you are feeling right now, that things can get worse but, believe me, they can.

Depression, when left untreated, can only get worse. And, as you sink further into despair and are less able to function, you will have a harder and harder time taking care of your baby and managing household tasks.

And when that happens, your depression will just keep getting worse.

So, if you have been feeling depressed for more than a few days, reach out to your doctor so that you can stop that depression in it ‘ s tracks. Postpartum depression, left untreated, can turn into chronic depression which is, let me tell you, not fun.

#3 – There is an end in sight.

If you are feeling depressed with a newborn baby and you get help, there is an end in sight for you.

Fortunately, postpartum depression is very treatable and the sooner that it is treated the better.

Depression, if left untreated, can take on a life of its own and become worse with time. If you talk to your doctor now and start managing your depression, chances are significantly increased that you will get through it and, perhaps, have no further depressive episodes in the future.

#4 – Your family needs you.

Now that you are a mom, everything has changed. You no longer have only yourself to take into consideration. The health of your family is, in many way, paramount and your happiness makes a big difference. ‘ When mommy is happy, family is happy ‘ is a familiar saying that I am guessing you might already know.

Untreated postpartum depression in a mother can have a ripple effect throughout the family. Her partner may be more likely to get depressed or angry or have mood swings.

Furthermore, children of mothers with untreated depression can have issues with emotional development, eating and sleeping disorders and a tendency towards excessive crying. And when your child is struggling, your depression will only get worse.

So, if not for yourself, do it for your family. They need you now, more than ever.

#5 – There is nothing to be ashamed of.

I know, I know. You have probably told yourself that you can tough this out. That you have always been strong and that you can get through this sadness without support.

Or perhaps you are telling yourself that you are weak, that a better woman, a better mother, wouldn ‘ t be feeling this way, wouldn ‘ t be angry at her baby and her husband. Perhaps you are feeling ashamed and worthless

But let me tell you, your depression is NOT your fault and it ‘ s NOT something that you can manage by yourself.

Postpartum depression happens because of acute hormone and lifestyle changes. One minute you are happy and pregnant. 24 hours later, after suffering through the most excruciating pain you have EVER experienced, you are home with a newborn and have no idea what to do next. Your hormones are swinging back and forth as your body starts to produce milk and you have no idea whether you will ever sleep again.

There is nothing wrong, nothing shameful, about reaching out for help during this difficult time. As a matter of fact, you will demonstrate your strength as a mother if you do step up and advocate for your mental health. You will be taking care of yourself which will mean, in turn, that you are taking care of your family.

Struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby is not an unusual occurrence.

New mothers are given the double whammy of a huge lifestyle change and fluctuating hormones. Even the strongest mother would struggle managing this (and there isn ‘ t a man alive who could!).

So, for the sake of your family, for the health of your child, to stop things from getting worse and for making your life easier, reach out to your doctor today for help managing your depression.

You have a new baby – life can be grand. And it’s yours for the taking!

If you ‘ ve made it this far you must really struggling with feeling depressed with a newborn baby.

Let me help get you there, NOW, so you can start to heal and enjoy your child.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Why Making Peace With Your Ex Is The Doorway To A Happier Life

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If you had told me a few years back that making peace with your ex was even possible I would have laughed in your face.

My husband left me six years ago for his college girlfriend. We had been married for 20 years and one day he decided that he was just done. Or, rather, that he had found a replacement.

Suddenly, I wasn ‘ t a wife and my kids were off at school so I no longer felt like a mother. I felt like my life was over. I was devastated. And I was very, very angry.

It has taken me a long time to get past the anger I have felt for my ex but I can say that I am so very glad that I was able to do so. Because I was able to do it, my life has become much better place.

How?

#1 – It improved my physical health.

One of the reasons that making peace with your ex is the way to a happier life is because when you can let go of a grudge you become a much healthier person.

People who hold on to grudges, who are chronically angry, are constantly in fight or flight mode. Fight or flight mode results in numerous functional bodily changes including increased heart rate and blood pressure and heightened immune response. Those changes, then, can increase the risk of depression, heart disease and diabetes, among other conditions.

For me, the anger I felt for my ex definitely made my depression worse. My stomach hurt all the time and I lost tons of weight because I wasn ‘ t eating. I contracted Bell ‘ s palsy, a condition that paralyzed the left side of my face. I stopped sleeping and moved around like a zombie.

When my physical conditions started getting so extreme I realized that it was time to let go of the anger. My mother was angry with my father, her ex-husband, for 30 years and she died very young of pancreatic cancer. I didn ‘ t want to end up like her.

So, if you find that the anger you feel is interfering with your physical health, work on letting it go so that you can move on and get healthy.

#2 – It allowed me to feel better about myself.

When my husband left me for another woman, he left me feeling like I was the biggest loser in the world. If he didn ‘ t want me, the person who said he would want me forever, then who would?

I would spend hours at a time obsessing about what he and his woman were doing. Little things would go wrong and I would scream and yell, much like a child would. Whenever my ex and his girlfriend spent time with my kids, I would get so angry and jealous that I would curl up into a little ball and cry.

For quite a while I stumbled around, trying to find my place in the world, being held back by the anger that I felt for him. I tried to build a life for myself and find a new job but I just couldn ‘ t push past my depression and anger and make it happen.

It was only once I let go of my anger and worked on making peace with my ex that I was able to start feeling okay about myself again. I didn ‘ t feel like such a loser. I was able to get off my butt, start a business, start eating well and making new friends. My self-esteem slowly rebuilt itself to where it is today, somewhat off the charts.

#3 – It was great for my kids. And my friends.

If you have children with your ex, making peace with him will be the biggest gift that you can give them.

When their parents split, the matter what age they are, children are confused, angry and hurt. I know that the anger that I felt for my kids ‘ father wasn ‘ t healthy for any of us.

My son refused to talk about anything his father was doing and my daughter tended to over-share, somewhat perversely trying to make me feel better. Neither of those things were good for any of us, particularly for them.

I know that since I have made peace with their father, my kids are so much more willing to share with both of their parents their comings and goings. And this, more than anything, makes me happy.

Even if you don ‘ t have kids, I can promise you that your friends will agree that making peace with your ex is a wonderful thing, if only so that they don ‘ t have to listen to you talk about him anymore. They want to support you, always, but they most likely hate him and want him just to disappear.

#4 – It stopped me from obsessing about the past.

For many of us, we spend more time thinking about the past then we do thinking about our future. And constantly looking in the rearview mirror isn ‘ t good for anybody.

We all live with regrets, with obsessions about what we did wrong, about the messes we made and the things we could have done differently. Spending so much time doing that takes us away from creating a new and better future for ourselves.

I am here to tell you that the past is in the past and there ‘ s nothing we can do to change it. All we can do is to look at what we did, what we experienced, identify what we might have done differently and take that knowledge with us into the future. Being hard on ourselves for past behavior does us no good; it only makes us feel worse.

Once I started looking to the future, and not to the past, I was able to create a clear path for myself, a path that included the business that I wanted to build, the person who I wanted to be in the world and the love I wanted to find.

Instead of wasting time looking backwards, I moved to NYC, built myself a life coaching website, started speaking in public about life and love, started working with people living with mental illness and got out into the dating world.

So, stop wasting time obssessing about things you cannot change and start focusing on things that you can.

#5 – It allowed me to find TRUE LOVE.

When I was able to stop living in the past and start visualizing a future for myself, I knew that making peace with my ex was the best thing that I ever did.

I no longer spent all my time thinking about what happened in my marriage but instead I was able to think clearly about what I wanted for love in my future. I was able to think about what kind of man would be the right man for me. I was able to recognize that I deserved to be with the kind of man who would take care of me and treat me well. I was able to take the steps that I needed to take to find that love.

And guess what? I was able to find him. I found him because my head was up and I was keeping my eyes open instead of always looking inside at what was wrong with me. I found him. The love of my life. I never would ‘ ve found him if I was still really angry with my ex. That I know.

Where is your true love? Could he be just around the corner? Keep your head up and your eyes open, focused on now and on the future, so you can spot him when he appears.

Making peace with your ex might seem impossible right now. And perhaps it is. But making peace with your ex as soon as you can will only make your life a better place.

Holding on to anger and resentment is very bad for your mental and physical health. It keeps you trapped in a cycle of self-loathing. It ‘ s bad for your relationships with your children and your friends. It keeps you from moving forward and finding true love.

So, do what you need to do to work on making peace with your ex. Working with a life coach, like me, someone who ‘ s been through it all and who has helped many women do it themselves is an excellent place to start.

You can do this. It might be hard but it will be worth i

If you have read this far you must really want to make peace with your ex.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start TODAY and build better life for yourself!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

Getting a Divorce? Here’s What You Need To Do First.

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So, your marriage is over and you are getting a divorce. It ‘ s been a long, sad slog but you know now that it ‘ s done.

The question is – what is next? You haven ‘ t been through this before and you have no idea what the next steps should be.

Divorce can be hellish – everything that was familiar in your life is changing and can be devastating. Keeping your spirits up for the kids, trying to focus on work and wondering what the hell you are going to cook for dinner just feels like more than you can bear some days.

I get it. I have been there.

But, I am also here to tell you that you can, and will, get through your divorce intact and, perhaps, even better than ever. 

Here are the steps to take to make getting a divorce easier ‘ ¦

#1 – Make your space a safe haven.

When I was getting a divorce, I met a woman who had been through one the previous year. Because I had never been through a divorce before, I had no idea how to cope. Lucky for me, she was able to help because she had been just been through it.

I had moved out of our family home and had found a rental.  I had left my things at our house so that it could look good when we tried to sell it. My new friend told me, in no uncertain terms, that I had to get my things and bring them to my new house.

For women, when we are going through a hard time, our surroundings are very important. It ‘ s something almost primal – our nesting instinct. Women want their space to be a comforting, happy place. 

So, what did I do? I had my things moved to my rental and I filled our family home with furniture from a professional house staging company. And did it make a difference? Oh yes it did. Being surrounded by my furniture, by my pictures, sleeping in my bed with my bed linens, seeing the little things that I had accumulated over the years on the shelves all gave me such a sense of comfort.  My life was so confusing because of all the change but coming home to my things provided me more comfort than I can even explain.

#2 – Gather a strong support system.

For many women, getting a divorce is very embarrassing. It feels like failure on so many levels. And because it is so, we often try to go with alone. We think we can tough it out and get through it and that we will be just fine.

But, really, we all need support when we go through this very difficult period. We have never been divorced before and we have no idea what we are doing and it ‘ s very important that we align ourselves with people who are informed and supportive.

What kind of people? 

Someone who has been through it before.  My friend who had been through a divorce was a invaluable source of information and support. She could look back on her divorce and talk to me about her successes and her failures so, as I went through my divorce process, I knew what to look out for. Without her, I am not sure I could have made it through it all as well as I did.

A therapist. I found myself therapist who I talked to every week. I really felt that I was the biggest loser on the planet because my husband decided he didn ‘ t want to be with me anymore. She was incredibly helpful, pointing out that divorces don ‘ t happen because one person didn ‘ t do something right but that there are two people in a marriage and both share some responsibility for where things went wrong.

A massage therapist. Someone else who really helped me when I was going through my divorce was my massage therapist. My husband left me right after my youngest child went off to school so I was left completely alone. For the first time in 18 years, I wasn ‘ t being touched regularly. So, I indulged and got a massage once a week for three months. Having somebody touch me for 60 minutes a week significantly helped me get through those very turbulent times.

A lawyer. Right away, I got myself a lawyer. Not a pit bull lawyer, as many people suggested I should get, but a lawyer who I knew to be strong but reasonable. I didn ‘ t want my divorce to be about two lawyers trying to prove who was the better lawyer. She was able to walk me through the reality of getting a divorce and how much it would cost. Information for me is very powerful. It makes me feel like I have some control of my outcome. Talking to her gave me the clarity I needed to be able to move forward.

#3 – Create a map of what you want your future to look like.

After talking to my lawyer, I realized that, for the rest of my life, I was going to have to take care of myself. I was scared out of my mind.

I had been mostly a stay-at-home mom for 20 years and, all of a sudden, I was going to be responsible for taking care of myself financially, for doing my own taxes, for finding healthcare and for figuring out how to fix something that was broken at the house. I was very overwhelmed and didn ‘ t know how I was going to handle it.

So, I made myself map of my scary future and figured out what the best route was to take.

First, I thought about where I wanted to live, what I wanted my life to look like, what I wanted to do now that I was on my own. I realized that, while being alone was scary, it was also give me a certain amount of freedom. For the first time in 20 years, I could live the way I wanted to live. Realizing that really helped me stay more positive about the divorce process and how things were going to turn out in the end. I felt almost hopeful once I had a picture of what the future might look like.

Next, I made plan. I came up with a list of things that I was going to need to consider for my future and I came up with a list of people who could support me when I needed support. I found myself a financial planner. I found myself a CPA to do my taxes. I found myself a handyman who could help me with those things around the house that I couldn ‘ t take care of myself.

Lastly, I did the math. I figured out what my expenses were so I knew what kind of money I was going to need going forward to survive. Armed with that knowledge, I was able to secure the kind of alimony that I would need to get myself back on my feet.

Making a plan, having an idea of what my future looked like and how I was going manage, really supported me through getting a divorce.

#4 – Make self care a priority.

Fortunately for me, when I was going through my divorce, I didn ‘ t drink. While I hadn ‘ t been much of a drinker for the past 20 years, I have to admit that the inclination to drink a bottle of wine on a lonely night at home was often very attractive. I think had I indulged in those bottles of wine I might have struggled more with figuring out what I needed to move forward.

What I did instead of drinking wine was yoga. I did yoga every single day. When my brain started running out of control, I would use yoga to bring it back.  When I started feeling like I was not going to survive, I used yoga to make my body feel stronger.

I also made a big effort to spend a lot of time in the sunshine because the warmth of the sun made me feel healthy and strong and the Vitamin D from the sun helped alleviate my depression.

And, of course, I ate well, as well as I could at least, and made a big effort to get enough sleep.

I know, in retrospect, that taking care of myself and keeping my mind and my body strong really helped me get through this divorce intact and helped alleviate my pain when the divorce process because contentious.

#5 – Keep moving forward!

I know that going through a divorce can be incredibly difficult. Even people who are divorcing amicably struggle to get through it all without some hurt feelings and drama. And divorce can take a long time so you might be tempted to give up. To put aside your own needs to end the dreadful process and get on with your life.

Don ‘ t do it!  More than anything, it ‘ s important that you take the time to get your divorce done right. I know many women who have walked away from a difficult divorce and struggled for the rest of their life, financially and/or emotionally. They don ‘ t get enough money to make a new start or they find themselves burdened with regret and anger for longer than they should.

So, don ‘ t give up. Make a plan and stay the course. It ‘ s worth it. 

Knowing the steps ahead of you when you are getting a divorce is an important part of successfully getting through it all.

I know that the divorce ahead of you might seem to be a daunting thing. You don ‘ t know how it ‘ s going to all turn out and that can be scary. And you are wondering how you could possibly by happy again.

I know you might not believe it right now, because from where you sit things look pretty shitty, but I can promise you that the view from the other side is a rosy one. 

Since I ‘ ve been divorced, I have moved to New York City from New England, I have started my own business, I have dated a bunch of wonderful men, I have a ton of new friends, I have a great relationship with my kids and a really huge sense of my own self-worth. The first few years after my divorce were definitely a struggle but, in the years since, I ‘ ve learned more about myself than I learned in the previous 46 and I now know who I am, I know what I want and I ‘ m not afraid to get it.

So, when you are getting a divorce, make sure that you are surrounded by the things that make you happy, reach out to get support from whoever you need to get support from, make a plan for the future, take care of yourself and don ‘ t ever give up.

You can do this. I promise.

If you have read this far you must really want to get things right in your divorce.

Let me help you, NOW, so that you can start moving forward with your life!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Deal With Feeling Overwhelmed With Tasks

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You know those horrible, and far too regular, days when you are feeling overwhelmed with tasks?

Those days when everyone and everything is demanding so much from you that you really don ‘ t think that you can take it anymore. Those days when it feels like your head is going to explode.

Let me help you manage the overwhelm. IT IS POSSIBLE. It just takes some awareness and action.

#1 – Take deep breaths.

When we are stressed out, the first thing that we do is we stopbreathing. Well, not literally stop breathing, because then we would die. But we do unconsciously hold our breath because of increased tension in the muscles used for breathing.

When you are feeling overwhelmed remember to breathe. Deep breaths into your belly in for 3 seconds and out for 3 seconds. Put your hand over your belly so that you can feel it filling up with air. Do this over and over until you feel a little calmer. Repeat throughout the day as necessary.

It will help you A LOT. I promise.

#2 – Go for a walk.

If it ‘ s at all possible, take some time to go for a walk. There isn ‘ t a woman I know who doesn’t say that her stress levels are always greatly reduced after a walk.

The thing about walking is that it kills two bird with one stone.

Walking encourages deep breathing which calms you down quickly.Also, for some reason, the motion of walking encourages clearer thinking. The rhythm of the stride and the increased oxygen intake can make something that was extremely overwhelming just 20 minutes earlier much easier to manage.

#3 – Identify what is causing the overwhelm.

One of the reasons it’s hard to think straight when you feel overwhelmed with tasks is that you don’t understand what isspecifically overwhelmingyou.

The first step to getting past being overwhelmed with tasks is to identify what specifically is overwhelming you. To do so, make a list of your tasks.

One of the reasons overwhelm occurs is because we know that we have a lot to do but we don ‘ t know exactly what needs to be done and that is overwhelming in and of itself. Once you have a list made of everything you have to do, once it’s laid out on paper, you will have a much clearer vision of what you need to do.

For one of my clients, just knowing what she had to do helped reduce her overwhelm significantly.

#4 – Make a plan.

Once you have made your list, it is time to make aplan. Without a plan, the overwhelm usually doesn ‘ t just disappear. In fact, it can get worse because know you have your list and no way to attack it.

Once my client had created a list then I had her review the list and make another list, this one listing her tasks by priority. Things that needed to be done soon were at the top of the list and things that could be put off were put lower down on the list.

Then, once she knew what her priorities were, it was time to build her calendar.

Here is what we did. Every Sunday night we made a calendar for her for the week. On it, in red, were the things that she HAD to do. Doctor ‘ s appointments, driving to soccer, her half hour walk, 1 hour of writing. And then, in green, were the things that she wanted to get done. Balancing her checkbook, cleaning out closets, making some phone calls. She added things in black as things popped up during the week.

Those items in red were non-negotiable. If an emergency came up and she wasn ‘ t able do a red item then she had to immediately reschedule it for another day that week. It wasn ‘ t allowed to fall through the cracks.

The green items were treated the same but they could be moved to the next week if necessary.

The black were things that tended to get done because they were last minute and she was able to get them done because that ‘ s how she thrived, with a time limit.

She knew I would be checking up on her so she stuck to it as agreed.

It took a few weeks but using her calendar really allowed my client to be as productive as she had always hoped to be. And being so productive ramped up her self-esteem in a big way. She realized that she wanted to keep doing this, on her own, because she liked how she felt and she didn ‘ t want to let herself down. So, she did. I was proud.

#5 – Find accountability.

This is a big part of my role as a life coach. We all need accountability. Someone to encourage us to get things done and to help us figure out why when we don ‘ t.

I know you have your friends and your family and your co-workers to support you but more often than not those people will lean towards supporting you, to listening to your rationalizations and letting you off the hook.

Not me.

I know the importance of staying on track, both for productivity ‘ s sake and for building self-esteem. Productivity is important for its own sake – things need to get done. Period.

Another reason productivity is so important is because of it ‘ s effect on your self-esteem. My clients are always so hard on themselves because they can never get things done, they are so far behind, they let other people down. Not doing these things can boost one ‘ s self-esteem significantly. And having higher self-esteem makes one more prone to being productive. See how that works?

It ‘ s a win-win in so many ways.

#6 – Get some help.

We all need help but we hesitate to reach out for it. I would argue that asking for help is the best way to help reduce feeling overwhelmed with tasks.

Can you hire a housekeeper every other week? An accountant to manage your money? A nanny to give you some hours off? If you can afford to do so, DO! I know it seems like an expensive investment but I can promise you that it ‘ s far cheaper than therapy if you have a breakdown.

So, consider investing in some professional help. If you can ‘ t afford help, find a friend who is a good organizer and barter for her time. Perhaps you can take care of her kids, or bake some cookies or help her finish her work project.

Whatever you need to do, get some help. You will be glad you did!

So, now you know. When you are feeling overwhelmed with tasks there are ways to get past it and get past it quickly.

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed get outside and go for a walk, even if it ‘ s just for 20 minutes. Breathe deeply as you stride. You will see that your overwhelm reduces significantly right away.

As you walk, consider what is overwhelming you so that you can make a list and then make a plan to fix it. And then make it happen. Your life coach can hold you accountable if needs be.

And don ‘ t hesitate to ask for help if you need it. We all do sometimes.

Manage your feeling overwhelmed with tasks. Don ‘ t let it manage you. You can do it!

Are you feeling completely overwhelmed with tasks?

Let me help you learn some tools, NOW, before the overwhelm gets worse!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let’s get started!

How To Deal With Emotional Overwhelm and Make it Through the Day

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How to deal with emotional overwhelm when it seems simply impossible that you can get through the day?

Our modern lives arechaotic, jam-packed and exhausting and it can be hard to make it through the day when you are feelingoverwhelmed. And, because it seems that every day is the same, it can be very hard to get ahead of it all.

It IS possible to get through those daysoverwhelming, exhausting days. All it takes is a little awareness and intention and you can do it!

Here are 5 ways to do so.

#1 – Make a list and prioritize.

When you are feeling overwhelmed and tired, just thinking aboutall of the things that needs to be done can shut you down for the day. And shutting you down for the day is definitely not what you need because that will only lead to more overwhelm tomorrow!

A big part of overwhelm is knowing that you have a ton to do and lots of places to be but not knowing what exactly they are. The unknown can be petrifying.

So, take a minute and make a list of everything that you think needs to be done today. Once you have a list, underline everything that REALLY needs to be done today. And then take those underlined items and prioritize what needs to be done first, second and third.

If you know exactly what needs to be done, and you can look at it in front of you, your overwhelm will immediately subside. A big piece of overwhelm is the result of just not knowing what needs to be done. Making a list lets you figure it out.

#2 – Take it one step at a time.

Once you have your list, and know your priorities, it ‘ s important tostart at the beginning. And take it one step at a time.

Another cause of overwhelm is that, in our heads, we jump too quickly ahead or start to visualize an end result that isn ‘ t what we want it to be and so we get derailed.

I have a client who was going through a divorce and needed to create a division of assets proposal to bring to mediation. She absolutely could not get it done and her deadline was getting closer and closer.

We talked it through and I learned that she was very intimidated by creating the proposal and a big reason was that she had no idea what she wanted. So, I suggested we start at the beginning.

First, we identified the pieces of the proposal that needed to be accounted for – an accurate budget, an inventory of joint assets, the division of said assets and a request for alimony.

Once we knew what she needed, we set out gathering information, starting with the budget.

Creating her proposal was easy once she had gathered her information.

Take each item on your list individually. And if something unexpected gets in the way of your list, don ‘ t give up. Handle it and then get back to your list and keep moving forward.

#3 – Do something for yourself.

A key part of surviving through exhaustion and overwhelm is to dosomething to take care of yourself. When we are at the end of our rope our tendency is to put ourselves on the back burner and everyone and everything ahead of us.

It ‘ s important that we take even just a little bit of time to do something for ourselves and recharge our batteries.

What would work for you? Perhaps it ‘ s a walk or a run, a mid-morning croissant snack, tea with a friend, a pedicure or even a massage. Whatever would work for you to make your day just a little more manageable. And ease the overwhelm.

#4 – Remember to eat and eat well.

When we are running around like crazy we tend to forget to eat. Or, if we do eat, we eat something that isn ‘ t good for us.

An important part of fighting overwhelm is to make sure that we eat well, food that will fuel our journey through the day.

What kind of food? Protein is the most important – eggs, nuts, chicken, cheese. Make sure to eat a good breakfast and lunch or, at the very least, keep some protein with you to snack on. A bag of almonds in the glove box can make a huge difference.

#5 – Take a cat nap.

I know you are laughing at the thought of fitting a nap into your crazy day but if you possibly can it will make a HUGE difference.

Cat naps are proven to increase your alertness, speed up your motor performance, improve your accuracy and decision making, reduce stress and boost your creativity.

I am the queen of the 20 minutes nap in the car. I pull over in the shade or sun, depending on the season, put my seat back and snooze for 20 minutes. When I wake up my energy levels are definitely up and I can get through the rest of my day.

So, try to make some time to snooze. It will be totally worth it!

This crazy modern life we lead makes it important that understand how to deal with emotional overwhelm so we can get through our day.

And, since tropical vacations aren ‘ t usually available to help us recharge, it ‘ s important that we do what we can do to get through the day.

So make a list, set your priorities and take care of yourself. If you can take care of yourself then you will better be able to take care of others. And get yourself through the day intact and ready for another one tomorrow.

You can do it!

Are you struggling with emotional overwhelm?
I know it’s really, really hard. Let me help!
Email me at [email protected] and let’s get started!

 

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