9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

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9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

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Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

7 Things to Do if You Want Your Long Distance Relationship to Succeed

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7 Things to Do if You Want Your Long Distance Relationship to Succeed

Keeping relationships happy and strong takes a lot of work. Trying to do that from far away is even harder. I know that when I was living in New York City and dating someone in New Hampshire, even though were really into each other, it was a ton of work – work that we were willing to do but it was hard nonetheless.

I have had a number of clients over the years who have been in long distance relationships that thrived and I have learned a number of tricks that can help a long distance relationship to succeed.

Let me share them with you now!

#1 – Make sure both of you are committed to making it work.

Before I even begin a list of the things that are necessary to make a long distance relationship work, its important that I make this one very clear! If both of you aren’t fully committed to making the relationship work, it won’t succeed.

In every relationship, it is key that both parties are 100% in. Many people believe that, even if their partner isn’t all in, if they really want to make this happen, they can do so on their own. Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way.

For any relationship to work, both parties need to be all in, to have no reservation that making an effort for it to succeed. Of course, there are no guarantees but having both sides willing to make an effort is the key to giving it a good chance.

#2 – Make sure each of you gives equal effort.

This is a common mistake for couples trying to make a long distance relationship work – that one person makes all of the effort to get together.

There are so many logistics of making a long distance relationship work – finding time to get together, figuring out where to get together, setting up phone calls and Facetimes, making an effort to stay involved in the ins and outs of each others lives. And, to make a relationship work it is worth the effort but if one person is doing all of that work, things could get messy.

Are you doing the majority of the work to keep the relationship strong? Perhaps you even enjoy being the one who sets up everything? I appreciate that but it is essential that your partner make some effort to.

This might be a weird comparison but it works. When I offer life coaching clients a discount, I never offer to coach them for free? Why, because if they don’t have some skin in the game, they are less likely to be emotionally involved and the coaching fails. Not because they don’t want to make change but if something comes easy, it doesn’t have as much value.

The same with making an effort to keep a long distance relationship strong – each side much invest some time and make an effort, owning their share of maintenance of the relationship.

long distance relationship to succeed

#3 – Don’t lose you own life waiting by the phone.

Many of my clients who are in long distance relationships, particularly those who are in relationship with a married person, find that they are forfeiting their own lives while working on the long distance relationship.

Instead of living their lives between visits, they organize their time so that they are always available for their partner. They want to be there if their partner calls or wants to see them or has something to share about their day.  Over time, this can erode the quality of one’s life, and, as a result, make the person more reliant on their partner for their happiness.

If you are in a long distance relationship, I encourage you to take the time that is available to you to truly live your life. To spend time with your friends and family, to do the things that you have always wanted to do, have fun.

After all, one of the good things about being in a long distance relationship is that you have time to yourself – always a plus when tied down to another person.

#4 – Always be honest with each other.

Honesty is the key to every healthy relationship – without it, a relationship will most likely fail. This is even more the case when the relationship is long distance. Any kind of untruth can shut it down.

This is particularly the case with little “harmless” white lies, lies that seemingly don’t cause any pain or damage.

Unfortunately, white lies are not harmless – they can at times be more insidious.

People tell white lies to protect their persons feelings. They tell white lies to prevent drama. They tell white lies out of fear. They tell white lies because they don’t want to hurt their person.

And while all of these things seem harmless, they aren’t. Why? Because they are LIES and all lies, even little ones, if you get caught in the can cause permanent damage, especially for a long distance one.

If there isn’t 100% truth in a relationship, it will be hard for it to succeed – after all, when you are so far away from each other, maintaining trust is the key to maintaining connection.

#5 – Talk about the future.

It is essential that, if you want your long distance relationship to succeed, you talk about the future. That you can picture the two of you, together, in the long run.

Many long distance relationships are open ended. One person is in one place and the other is somewhere else and there is no specific plan for how to close that distance in the near or distant future. As a result, the relationship just chugs along with no growth, often to the point that it becomes to so disconnected that it fails.

Of course, many people are fine with the distance and see no reason to change things. And if that works for them, great. But if you find that you are struggling with the health of your relationship, consider if any of it is because you don’t know what the future holds. If this is the case, its important that you talk to your partner about it ASAP!

#6 – Don’t let too much time pass between visits.

No matter how much someone says that they are ok in a long distance relationship, it is still important that they spend as much time in their partners presence as possible.

Talking on the phone and doing video calls are all certainly fine. They will keep you connected to each others daily lives. And that is good. BUT, its also important that you have physical closeness as often as possible. Being in each others presence is the key to a successful long distance relationship.

People need to have physical closeness with their partner. They need to maintain their physical connection. If they don’t so, the relationship can falter. Its much like people who online date. If they only text or talk with a new person, instead of getting together, chances are that the connection will die out from lack of physical nearness.

So, make an effort to spend as much time as you can with your significant other.  You don’t have to be having sex – although that is fun – but just sitting next to each other on a bench in the airport is an excellent thing to do to keep your relationship strong!

#7 – Be realistic.

This is a key part of having your long distance relationship succeed – if its meant to.

Long distance relationships are hard – really hard. And plenty of people make them work but plenty of people don’t. And its important that you not lose sight of that.

Sometimes, people sense that their relationship is faltering and, because they don’t want it to end, they push hard to keep it together. They try to talk more, visit each other more often, talk about the future but sometimes those things just don’t work. The challenge of being too far apart from each other can be overwhelming. Which, while sad, is okay.

There is nothing worse than wasting time in a relationship that doesn’t have a future. Unfortunately, many people hold on to them way past their expiration date, hoping to get things back to the way that they were at the beginning, when things were fun. As a result, precious time is lost that could be spent finding the right person. This doesn’t just happen in long distance relationships – nor in local ones too.

So, pay attention to your relationship status. If you are reading this article because yours is struggling, know that it is possible that it just isn’t meant to be. I am not saying to give up now, just to be aware that all of your efforts might be for naught in the end.

So, there you go, 7 things to do if you want your relationship to succeed.

Good for you for learning as much as you can about how to make a long distance relationship work. If you are doing this as you get into one and do not yet have any issues, well done. Learning the best practices to make it work is the best thing that you can do. That being said, if you are here because you have issues, have faith! Information and awareness is key to the success of any relationship, near or far.

You can do this!

7 Ways to Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

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7 Ways to Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

One of the most important part of any relationship, and the one most often neglected, is communication.

And its not just in romantic relationships. Communication is important with people we work with, our extended family, the person making our coffee. Without communication, people are left frustrated and feeling helpless.

Understanding ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage is an essential component in keeping your marriage strong and loving.

#1 – Make talking a priority.

As marriage goes on, sitting down with your partner and really talking can fall to the wayside. Sure, we talk on the fly, maybe as we run out the door or get ready for bed or over the kids’ heads at dinner. But sitting down, looking at each other eye to eye, the way we used to, is something that often falls by the wayside. And it shouldn’t.

I remember one of the best summers in the middle of my marriage was the summer that my husband and I had a drink together every night after work. Usually, we would come home and we would hit the road running with dinner and homework. Or he would head out for a run and I would make dinner. Or whatever. We never just sat down and caught up.

That summer, we unwittingly took up the habit of having a glass of rum before we dug into the after-work phase. And it was wonderful.

We talked about work and the kids and politics and whatever. It wasn’t “meaningful” stuff that we talked about – but it was meaningful in that we were sitting there, focused on each other. It was like it used to be when we were first dating. We were really getting to know each other again.

So make an effort to really talk to each other – not on the fly, while multi tasking.

#2 – Don’t not say what you need to say.

So many people think that the best thing that they can do to keep their marriage strong is to swallow their words. To not say what they need to say. To not share how they are feeling.

For many of us, we learned this from our parents – that not expressing our feelings is the key to keeping drama in the household to a minimum. Our parents worked hard to do so so it is all that we know.  (And, I am guessing, many of our parents are now divorced.)

But, it is important that we don’t do this. That we don’t swallow our words and stuff our emotions down into our body. That, instead of working hard to avoid drama, we recognize that we have something to say and that we say it.

Do you find that you hold back your words so as not to make a fuss? Are you afraid that if you speak up, your words will be met with anger or frustration? Do you think that if you just let something go, it would be better?

If the answer to any of those questions are yes, I would encourage you to try something different in an effort to keep your marriage strong.

#3 – Express your emotions.

I can’t tell you how many times I ask a client if they tell their spouse they love them they respond “I don’t need to tell them, they already know.” And I always tell them that they are categorically wrong.

Because marriages are long, we tend to start taking our spouse for granted. After all, they are there always and you are a team and who has time for mushy stuff and sometimes we just don’t feel it, for whatever reason.

But, it’s important to tell your spouse that you love them. That they are beautiful. That you appreciate all that they do for you. Whatever it is that you are feeling in the moment.

Of course, you can also express anger if you are feeling it. The key is doing so in a way that is productive not destructive. To share how you are feeling without attacking them.

How do you do expressing your emotions? If you feel like you haven’t been telling your spouse how you feel about them enough, stand up and do so now. You would make them feel great! Wouldn’t you like it if they did the same to you?

#4 – Never tell a lie, even a white one.

This is a tough one, I know.

After all, everyone tells little white lies. Lies that they think will keep someone from feeling pain. Lies about something that they don’t deem important enough to share. Lies that might protect us from being attacked. White lies that are coping systems which, unfortunately, are not great ones.

Knowing that you can trust your spouse 100% is the key to building emotional connection in your marriage. Knowing that, no matter what, you can trust your spouse to tell you the truth when necessary. Being firm in that knowledge gives a marriage a very strong foundation on which it can rest.

Any lie, even white ones, can erode that foundation. If you ever get caught in one, it will only serve to take a chink out of the concrete foundation of your marriage. After all, if you are going to lie about one thing, how can your spouse have faith that you won’t lie about something else.

So, I encourage my clients that one of the best ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage is to stop lying – even those pesky lies of omission where you don’t necessarily lie but you also aren’t 100% honest.

It might be hard to stop this behavior but if you can, you will be thankful that you did!

Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

#5 – Don’t talk badly about them to your friends.

This is an interesting one – the importance of not cutting down your partner behind their backs. This is something that many of us lose sight of in marriage, if it was even something that we recognized before.

After all, this is what we do. We use our friends to share our frustrations. To help us process what is going on. To give us advice about steps to take. For women especially, without our friends, what would we do?

And I get this. 100%. But there is a difference between looking for support and talking shit about our husbands.

I know that when I was married, I was the queen of speaking badly about my husband. I was very unhappy in the marriage and talking shit about him made me feel somewhat better. That being said, the person who I presented to my friends was not the person he always was – just the person he was when he was making me unhappy. As a result, my friends didn’t like him and definitely didn’t support me in my efforts to change things in my marriage.

When he ultimately left me, none of them were surprised. None of them expected our marriage to last because of everything that I had been saying for years. The only one who was blind sided by the end of the marriage was me.

#6 – Never attack them personally.

While I might have spoken badly about my husband, I never once attacked him personally.

While I would treat him with contempt or ignore him or yell at him, I never called him an asshole. I never said “fuck you.” I never denigrated who he was as a person. While I might have expressed my anger and frustration, I never attacked the person he was. Why? Because I knew that, no matter how much he drove me nuts, he was a good person. He wasn’t an asshole – he was just a frustrating partner.

The reason that it’s important to never attack someone personally is because, if you do, you can never take it back. Even if you and your spouse make up after whatever conflict you were going through, they will never forget your assault on their character. It will always linger at the back of their minds, wondering if that is what you really think of them. And that feeling can fester and manifest itself in many ways, none of them good for your marriage.

So, no matter how angry you get, don’t attack your spouse’s character. After all, this is the person you married, perhaps a parent to your children. Treat them as you would like to be treated and keep your marriage on track.

#7 – Talk about the future, and the past.

One of the funnest communication exercises for couples is to talk about the future, and about the past.

I have been with my husband for 8 years now and I still love to talk about how we met and fell in love. Talking about the things that we did and how much fun we had. It was a magical time and re-living it is really special. And it reminds us of the reasons that we fell in love, which is important during times when we aren’t feeling very connected.

We also, in spite of 8 years together, spend a lot of time talking about the future, about what we are going to do together, and separately. Its fun to do – even as we are in middle age – to talk about what is next for us. Its never too late to have dreams for the future – literally never – and talking about ours keeps us very connected.

Do you and your spouse ever talk about the beginning of your relationship? Do you guys talk about tomorrow, next week or next year? Try it – its a lot of fun!

So there you go – 7 excellent ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage.

I know, these things might seem overwhelming, especially if communication has not been a strength in your marriage. But you can do it.

At the very least, try to do just one of the things that I have listed, or stop doing one, whichever is appropriate. But try to make some sort of shift in the communication in your marriage and keep it healthy and strong.

7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

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7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

All relationships have a balance of control to some degree – the parent/child, the teacher/student, the boss/employee, etc. In those relationships, there is one primary and one secondary member of the relationship, as dictated by the situation. In a marriage, there is also a power dynamic at play and, ideally, that dynamic includes a balance of control that is even.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Of course, sometimes the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, like the mom is in charge of getting the little league uniforms but the dad is in charge of getting the kids to practice. And this is okay. What is not okay is when the power dynamic is off to the extent that one person is always in charge, with the other always being secondary.

Sadly, when we are in the middle of the chaos of a marriage, it can sometimes be hard to recognize if the power dynamic is off.

Let me share with you now the signs that the power dynamic in your marriage might be off so that you can figure out the next steps to take.

#1 – You let your partner make all the decisions.

This is the most common thing that shifts the power dynamic in a marriage – having one person be in charge of everything.

In some cases, the person with the control is the wife/mother. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to keep all of the balls in the air – school, work, sports, extended family, etc. Usually, the woman takes responsibility for planning and executing just because multi-tasking is a skill that many women have. So they take over and everything that happens is their call.

In some cases, its the man husband/father who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A woman might be accustomed to having a man in charge if that is the model she had growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In some cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband.

Whether its the husband or wife, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off.

#2 – You keep your head down to avoid drama.

Are you one of those people who never speaks up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have thoughts or opinions but not share them because you are afraid that you will be on the receiving end of some kind of negative reaction if you do? Would you rather just go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?

If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people, particularly men, in marriages just want to keep the peace and they swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is long and hard and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When they do, the idea of having to deal with them again can be just too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut and grin and bear it

And, while I can understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up for yourself out of fear of some kind of reprisal, big or small, is not, in the long run healthy.

Over time, not speaking up for yourself in your relationship will only cause resentment on your part and, perhaps, a sense of contempt from your spouse. You can be sure that, if you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and, over time, they might see this as a sign of weakness – something that can hard to respect in a marriage.

So, while I know that you want to avoid drama, I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, in spite of whatever the end result might be. For the sake of your own self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.

#3 – You spend more time with their extended family than yours.

This is always an interesting one – that people spend more time with one extended family than they do the other.

Of course, this could be a convenience thing. Perhaps your family lives closer or the kids are the same age or your schedules align. And that makes sense. But, what if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason that you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours.

In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists that more time is spent with their extended family than the other. I know that when I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than with my dad’s. I am guessing part of that was because my dad wasn’t really attached to seeing his family but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted that we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent my my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way more than my dad’s.

I know now that, in order to keep the peace (see #2) my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control in this instance. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.

#4 – You only have sex with them because they want to.

This is a big one that happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off – one spouse only has sex with the other not because they want to but because they know that their spouse does.

I have seen this from both sides of the equation. Women who have little or no interest in having sex and yet who have sex with their husbands every week because they know that their husband expects it. Its easier to do so then to deal with any crabbiness or whatever that might arise.

It can happen with husbands too – they just don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. The man, because his wife brings it up all the time, ultimately gives in to make her happy but doesn’t do it because he is interested.

In both of these cases, when married couples have sex for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is definitely off and this is something that should be addressed.

power dynamic is off in your marriage

#5 – Your kids only listen to you.

I know that when I was married, I was the one my kids always came to when they needed something. Whether it was a cookie or a ride to town or help on homework or help processing an issue, they always came to me. I was the one they could count on to react in a way that was a positive – to mostly get what they wanted/needed with a minimum of fuss. They did go to their father but, because he was often absent and sometimes crabby, they tended to bypass him.

And I was fine with this. If they came to me I could be in control of the outcome and knew that the kids wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad reaction from their father.

And, while this worked for us for a while, in the long term, it only caused anger and resentment on both sides.

For me, I didn’t want to be the one my kids always turned to – it was exhausting. And my husband resented that I was their first choice – which, sadly, led to the kids going to him even less. This mutual resentment built up over time until it was huge factor in the end of our marriage.

#6 – You have to hide things from your spouse.

I just rewatched “Crazy Rich Asians” (fun movie if you haven’t seen it). In the movie, the wife has family money and she is used to nice things. Because she wants those nice things, things that her husband can not afford, she has to hide the things that she buys because she knows that he would be resentful of her and the fact that she has to do so. Ultimately, he cheated on her to make himself feel more like a man and she left.

Hiding things in any marriage can be toxic. Whether its hiding spending or activities or friendships from your partner, hiding anything indicates that there is an off-balance power dynamic. In a marriage with a healthy power dynamic, both spouse would feel safe sharing everything. They would know that their partner would understand their actions and that, if they didn’t, there could be a conversation about it.

If a spouse has any kind of fear that their habits or actions would not be well received, enough so that they have to hide it, this is an indication that the balance of power is off, something that will only lead to a lack of trust and accountability in the long run.

#7 – You have to account for every little thing.

If you are in a marriage where you have to account for every little things that you do, your power dynamic is definitely off.

Perhaps you have to account for where you spend your time. Perhaps you have to account for who you spend your time with. Perhaps you have to account for every penny you spend. Perhaps you have to account for why you have gained or lost weight. Anything and everything.

And this is not okay. Of course, everyone has some accountability to their spouse. We want to share in their lives and want to be able to trust them. Therefore, being open and honest is an important part of healthy relationships.

BUT – if one person insists on knowing every detail of their spouse’s life, this is not okay. When someone asks their partner to account for every little thing, there are most likely serious trust issues involved. Perhaps its because of something that has happened in the past, either in this relationship or in another. Perhaps its because someone feels the need to control another person, for whatever reason. Or perhaps its because there is just an inherent lack of trust between both parties.

For whatever reason, if one person must always be accountable to the other for every little thing, this is a power dynamic that is uneven and something that needs to be addressed.

It can be very hard to recognize the warning signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage.

Power dynamics can change very slowly, over the course of a marriage, so slowly that one (or both) spouses don’t even realize that it is happening. All that they know is that they aren’t happy but they aren’t clear on the reason.

For any relationship to be a happy one there must, more often than not, be an equal power dynamic. This equal power dynamic will ensure that the love, trust and respect that is important in every relationship stays intact and the marriage remains healthy.

So check and see how your marriage stacks up to my list. If the power dynamic is off, in either direction, it’s time to take next steps, to figure out how to fix it before its too late!

You can do it!

7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

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7 Reasons It is So Hard to Break up With Your Girlfriend, Even if You Don’t Love Her

So many of my male clients come to me because they want to break up with their girlfriend. They are clear that she isn’t the right one for them but still find it impossible to take action and initiate the break-up.

While every relationship is different, they all carry some common denominators that apply to all of them – including it being hard to break up with someone, even if you know they aren’t the one for you.

Let me share why breaking up with someone is hard with you right now. Understanding the reasons why might clarify things for you so that you can take the next step.

#1 – You don’t want to cause her pain.

There isn’t a man in the world who isn’t concerned about hurting a woman, particularly one they have been emotionally involved with. As a result, they go out of their way to not cause their woman pain. And this, I am afraid, only make things worse.

Be honest. Do you know that you should break up with your girlfriend but you don’t want to hurt her so, instead, you are pulling back a little bit. Are you not focusing the time and energy on her that you used to? Are you not being as affectionate and maybe even being distant? Are you, perhaps, hoping that she will be the one who ultimately break up with you?  You are not alone. A LOT of men do this.

Let me tell you – doing this will only cause your girlfriend more pain. Instead of ripping off the bandaid and causing a quick burst of intense pain, instead you are pulling it off gradually, dragging out the pain and making her suffer more. Ironic, no?

The reality is is that if you break up with your girlfriend, yes, you will most likely hurt her. Break ups hurt. But the reality is is that she will get over it. No one has ever died of a broken heart. She might suffer for a bit but, in time, she will be fine. And, because you had the strength to let her go, she will have the opportunity to find someone who really loves her and wants to live happily ever after with her.

#2 – The good times were really good times.

Even though are you are in a place where you want to break up with your girlfriend, I am sure that you and she have shared wonderful times together. And those things are hard to let go of.

I am guessing that you are thinking about the beginning of your relationship, when things were fresh and new and you shared so much of yourself. Or maybe you are remembering a vacation you took or that silly thing that she did that made everyone laugh at your birthday party. Perhaps you went through a difficult period of time and she was there for you, standing by your side. Perhaps you shared big hopes for the future that you don’t want to let go of.

And I get it – experiences are intense things that can really bind people to each other.

But, the reality is is that, while these experiences were wonderful, they are in the past. They are over. And, even if you stay together, they most likely won’t happen again because you are in a different place in your relationship – namely that you don’t love her anymore.

So, while you have had some very special times with this person, they are no reason to hold on to her. Set her free so that she can have new experiences with someone who really loves her.

#3 – You don’t want to have to start dating again… nor do you want her to.

So many people stay with someone who isn’t the right person for them because they just don’t want to get back out there into the dating world. After all, the dating world is not always fun and its exhausting and the thought of building another profile page for Hinge is just too much to bear.

Furthermore, you have invested time and energy into this relationship, time and energy that you don’t want to have wasted. Time and energy that you will have to spend building a new relationship.

And I get it. Its hard to throw away time invested in someone but the time that you have spent is a sunk cost. You spent it and its done. That time invested should never be a reason to stay with someone and know that any more time that you spend with someone who you have no future with is time wasted.

And – I am guessing – that you probably don’t want her to start dating either. Even if you don’t love her, the idea of her being with someone else might not be very appealing. You especially don’t want her to have sex with someone else.

Again, this is no reason to stay with someone. You are being incredibly selfish if you are staying with her for any reason other than that you are madly in love with you.

#4 – You love that she takes care of you.

One of my male clients knows that it’s time to break up with his girlfriend. He likes her and cares about her but she isn’t the one for him.

What she is, however, is an excellent caregiver.

One thing about us women, we love, love to take care of other people, often to a fault. And many men really, really appreciate being taken care of.

I know that with my boyfriend, I do the laundry, I cook us dinner, I keep the house tidy, I plan our social life etc etc. I am not saying that I am his slave and that he sits around on the couch watching me hustle. He does do some of those things sometimes but, in general, its on me. And thats ok. I like doing things for him (and doing them my way, to be fair).

And, I am guessing that if it was time to break up with me, my boyfriend would take into consideration what it would be like to start having to do all of those things for himself again. Probably not a very attractive proposition, I am guessing.

Are you having a hard time breaking up with your girlfriend in part because she take such good care of you? If yes, you are going to have to suck it up, I am afraid, and start taking care of yourself again!

#5 – You like easy access to sex (be honest!).

You might be rolling your eyes at this one but I am guessing that, deep down, you know that what I am saying here is the truth – having a girlfriend means that you have easy access to sex. And that is something that its not easy to let go of.

Even if you don’t love your girlfriend, I am guessing that you enjoy having sex with her. And that the idea of not having someone in your bed who is happy to fool around with you is not appealing.

For men, sex is very important and its not always as easy to get as they might like. A woman can walk out of her house and approach any man and most likely get him to have sex with her but men have to work a little bit harder. The idea of having to work harder for something so important that he can get easily now is not appealing.

Are you staying with your girlfriend because of the sex? If you are, do her a favor. Let her go. You will have sex again, maybe even sooner than you think. I promise.

#6 – You are worried about messing up your social life.

One of my male client was concerned about breaking up with his girlfriend because of their weekly softball games. They had played in the same league for a few years and had first met doing so.

My client is worried that it might be “weird.” He is worried that there will be drama and that people will have to take sides in the break up. He is worried that one of them, namely him, will have to leave the league and his posse of friends. He likes things the way that they are and messing up his weekly softball game is not something that he wants to do.

And I totally get that. Our social lives are very important to us and a key part of living a great life. But, staying with someone who you don’t love because you are worried about your softball game isn’t fair to anyone. It’s not fair to your girl and it’s not fair to your team. After all, if there is any tension between you and your girl, it will affect the team as a whole.

Of course, this isn’t just about softball. Couples have social lives that are important to them. Breaking up with someone threatens the health of that carefully constructed social life is very scary.

hard to break up with your girlfriend

#7 – Your friends and family do love her.

This is a really tough one – if your friends and family love her, even if you aren’t feeling it.

I am guessing that if you are thinking about breaking up with your girlfriend and are consulting those friends and family members, they are telling you not to do it. That she is a wonderful person and that you are lucky to have her and to not mess things up. And I am guessing that that is messing with your head.

On the other hand, perhaps her friends and family loves you and they are important to you and you don’t want to let them down.The idea of losing them as friends, of letting them down, of not being a part of their circle might be a really sad thing.

Unfortunately, this is what happens in relationships. People outside of the relationship get emotionally involved. When something goes wrong, they have feelings about it. What I can tell you is that staying with a girlfriend you don’t love because your mom is telling you not to is a bad idea. Your mom will be sad about your break up but she will get over it. Your girlfriend, if you are with her for the wrong reasons, won’t.

#8 – You just don’t want to deal with the drama.

Be honest – are you scared of breaking up with your girlfriend because you don’t want the drama?

Does the idea of telling your girlfriend that you want out and seeing her eyes well up with tears feel like a stab in the heart?

Does the idea of having to rehash, again, what has happened in your relationship fill you with dread?

If you are feeling any of these things, you are not alone. Every single man who I have ever met would rather pull his fingernails out one by one then have to deal with the drama of a break up. It might seem easier to just stay in the relationship, even if they are unhappy, instead of having to deal with tears and recriminations and processing over and over.

Is this you? Are you scared of the drama and doing everything that you can to avoid it? Well suck it up. Tell your girlfriend that you need to break up with her. Yes, there might be a bit of drama but it won’t kill you. It might be uncomfortable but it will pass.  Your girlfriend will be fine and life will go on.

#9 – Your lives are entangled.

The thing about relationships is that they can be complicated. The longer that couples are together the more their lives become entangled.

Do you and your girlfriend share a home? A dog? Kids? Friends? Finances?

Does the idea of having to figure out how to disentangle these things fill you with dread? Does the idea of having to find a new place or deal with custody of kids or dogs or trying to figure out how to get out of the relationship with your finances intact seem impossible?

Probably, yes. And I get it. Break ups are messy.

But just because you and your girlfriend share elements of your life isn’t a reason to stay. Things might be complicated but they will get worked out and life will go on. If you stay in this relationship, it will only get more complicated and more difficult to leave and before you know it you could be permanently stuck.

Don’t stay because of things or money. Only stay because you love your person madly!

So there you go – 9 Reasons tt is so hard to break up with your girlfriend, even if you don’t love her.

I know that the position you are in right now is beyond horrible. You had hoped that she would be the one and that you would never have to go through a break up again. Unfortunately, the relationship was not meant to be and its time to move on.

So, suck it up. Be honest with your girlfriend. Let both of you get on with your lives and find the love that you want. You can do it!

The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

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The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

7 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Special in 2025

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7 Surprisingly Easy Ways to Make Your Wife Feel Special in 2025

If you are like many men, one of your resolutions might be to make your wife feel special in 2025. After all, another year has passed and perhaps you are thinking that its time to jumpstart your relationship with a little extra effort.

Good for you!

Luckily, making your wife feel special isn’t as hard as you might think it might be. Really, what we women want more than anything is for our partner our partner make us loved.

So, what are the ways to make your wife feel special?

#1 – Tell her that she looks beautiful and not only when she is dressed up.

I am sure that you are thinking that your wife knows that you think that she is beautiful but there isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t want to hear it. Unfortunately, after many years of marriage, spouses stop noticing each other in the ways that they used to and, as a result, they stop expressing their appreciation of their looks. While this might seem superficial, it is important and probably one piece of why she fell in love with you – your appreciation of her.

So, tell your wife that she looks beautiful.  You don’t need to wait until she is dressed up – any occasion will work. She might be suspicious at first if you haven’t done it for a while but be sincere and you will maker her feel a certain way.

#2 – If she has something to say, stop and listen to her.

Are you thinking that you always listen to what your wife says and that if you stop what you are doing you will she speaks will waste time because you can do two things at once? I get it but, I am afraid that I have bad news for you – men have an extremely hard time doing two things at once.

As a result, if they aren’t fully listening to what their wives are trying to tell them, it won’t sink in.

It is important that you listen to your wife about things, large and small. If she wants to talk to you about carpool, stop and listen. If she wants to talk to you about Christmas, stop and listen. If she wants to talk about how she is feeling, stop and listen.

If you stop and listen to your wife, there are two reasons that she will feel special. The first is that you will truly hear what she is saying and, therefore, she won’t have to say it again down the road. The second is that she can trust that you believe that what she is saying is important to you. If a woman knows that someone is half listening to her, she feels disrespected and less than. Knowing that you are giving her your full attention will make her feel loved and appreciated.

#3 – Surprise her with something that she likes but not something that you do.

Men often have the best of intentions when it comes to making their wives feel special. And sometimes they just fall short.

Many of my men clients tell me that they try to set up things to do with their wives but that their wives don’t appreciate what their efforts and tell them so. And, while they might appreciate the effort, the inappropriate choice of an activity often leads the wives to believe that their husbands don’t truly know who they are.

When a man plans a night out going to an action movie, a romantic movie lover will feel unseen. When a man plans a weekend away to someplace where there is golf tournament going on, a wife who doesn’t play or watch golf will feel unimportant.  When a man buys her a piece of lingerie not recognizing that she is struggling with body issues at the moment, she will be devastated.

So, if you want to do something special for your wife, make sure to plan something that she will like and not something that is all about you.

#4 – Make sure you are fully familiar with her love language.

Love languages are an idea that, if you can fully master them, will change your relationship with your wife and you will truly make her feel special.

The idea behind love languages is that we tend to do things for other people that we want done unto us, hoping to make them feel loved. Unfortunately, not everyone needs the same thing to feel loved and, therefore, the efforts backfire. If you can understand someone’s love language, you can understand what will make them feel loved.

According to Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages:

Physical touch – being touched in a romantic and/or sexual way

Words of Affirmation – being told how someone feels

Gift Giving – receiving a gift

Acts of Service – taking action by doing a service

Quality Time – spending time together

If your wife’s love language is quality time and you take the garbage out for her on Saturday morning before you head off for a day of golf, you won’t make her feel loved. Instead, take the garbage out, sure, but then spend the rest of the morning with her and play only a half day of golf.

To learn more about love languages, follow this link. There is even a quiz that you and your wife can take so that you can know what each other’s love language.

This will make your wife feel important and loved.

#5 – Take an interest in the things that she loves – or try something new together.

For many couples who have been married a long time, they tend to focus on their own hobbies and no longer do things together. As a result, the time that they spend together isn’t necessarily time that involves things that make their hearts sing, something that doesn’t foster connection.

An excellent way to make your wife feel special is to take an interest in what she likes to do. I am not saying that you need to take up needlework or go to yoga (unless you want to do that) but do be willing to share in some of the things that she enjoys doing.

Also, an excellent way to feel connected to your spouse is by taking up an activity that neither one of you does on your own, something that you can learn together. Perhaps its going for day hikes or taking ball room dancing lessons or playing tennis or golf or learning how to sail or ski.

Something that will give you time together, time that isn’t focused on chores and kids and work. That will make your wife feel special in a big way.

 

married couple having fun

#6 – Rub her feet or her back or any body part she would like to have rubbed.

Many couples who have been married a long time have stopped touching each other. Sure, there might be weekly married people sex but, in between, physical intimacy is minimal. As a result, couples can grow disconnected, especially if there are any issues around their sex lives.

If you want to make your wife feel loved, reach out to rub her feet when you are watching TV. If she is at her computer, stop and rub her shoulders. Give her a hug from behind when she is doing the dishes. By touching your wife you are telling her that you see her, that you love her and that you want to feel connected to her.

Of course, you wife might not want to be touched or might suspect something if you start touching her after not having done so for a while. So, ask your wife before you do touch her. See if she would like a foot rub or a shoulder massage. I am guessing she will say yes, but do ask for permission first. You don’t want to set yourself back by  touching her in a way that she doesn’t want to be touched.

#7 – Make sure she knows that she is a priority for you.

When you and your wife were falling in love, did you put each other first? Did you choose to choose each other before anything else? Were you willing to get out of work early to do something special? Did you put each other’s wants and needs above the other’s?

And now that you have been married a while, where does your wife fall on your priority list? Is she even close to number one?

Perhaps you justify that if you don’t work late, your family won’t have the money it needs. Perhaps you justify that bowling with your friends instead of hanging out with her will make you happier and therefore her happier. Perhaps when your mother insists on Sunday dinners and you don’t push back when your wife doesn’t want to do every Sunday, you do it because you feel like your mother should be the priority.

Whatever it is that you choose to do over your wife is something that I want you to consider as you embark on trying to make her feel special. Of course, no one can be someone’s number one priority all of the time but, in my experience as a coach, my female clients feel like they just aren’t important to their husbands and that makes them feel unloved.

I hope that these 7 ways to make your wife feel special are helpful.

If you are feeling a little bit overwhelmed, it’s ok. Taking action to do things differently can cause anxiety and fear. But just take it one item at a time. You don’t have to do them all at once. Try one thing on your list and see how it makes your wife feel. If it works, you might find you are eager to do another. And if it doesn’t work, don’t give up! Just try another thing on your list.

You can do this! After all, you made her feel special once, enough so that she fell in love with you!

Finding Happiness After Divorce is Possible! Here is How.

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For many people, finding happiness after a divorce might seem impossible.

After all, the lives that they have lived for whatever period of time is over. The stress and sadness of the divorce process has been life sucking. The fear of moving forward can be intense.

But finding happiness after a divorce is not only possible but probable. I know. I have been there – gone from devastated by a divorce to living happily ever after.

How did this happen? Let me share.

There are 9 key elements to finding the life, and love, that you seek after a divorce.

#1 – Make sure that your divorce is settled.

For many people, myself included, they are so impatient for their life to move forward that they try to get started earlier than they should.

When my husband left me, I immediately set out to build a new life for myself – including finding love. I reached out to college boyfriend, hoping to re-kindle our love. I embraced online dating, getting into one relationship after another, all of which failed.

In retrospect, I know that I just wasn’t ready. I was in too deep with sadness around the end of my marriage and the toxicity of the divorce process. At the time, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t.

Going through a divorce is one of the most devastating things that anyone can go through. And the divorce process can take a long time. When one is in the middle of it all, it’s almost like they are submerged in a babbling brook. Like water is rushing over their head and they can’t really hear anything or see anything clearly. As a result, they can make bad choices, choices that might even sabotage finding the happiness that they deserve.

So, try to be patient and wait until the divorce is settled and signed off on before you try to make too much change, particularly around relationships.

#2 – Don’t move too fast.

Many people are desperate to find love again after a divorce. They truly believe that that is the only way they will ever be happy again. And so, they get into a new relationship quicker than they should.

What I always encourage my clients to do is, if you feel like dating is something that you must do to keep your head above water, to date away. Date away but absolutely don’t get into a new relationship.

As I said above, when going through a divorce you just don’t see or feel things clearly. As a result, you could get into another relationship that causes you heartbreak and leaves you even worse off than you were during your marriage.

I got into a relationship within months of my husband leaving. At first it was wonderful but then it fell apart – mostly because my divorce kept on interfering with our life and because I didn’t have the life skills to be in a new relationship after 20 years of marriage.

As the relationship fell apart, so did I, mentally and physically. Most notably, I woke up one day with my face half-paralyzed. I had Bell’s Palsy. The stress that I was feeling was literally all over my face. It was horrible.

So, don’t move too fast into a new relationship. It could only hold you back!

#3 – Take stock of what happened.

For many people, once they get through a divorce, don’t take the time to pause and figure out what happened in their marriage. As a result, they find that they make the same mistakes that they made in their marriage.

In what way? They choose people who resemble their ex-spouse. They interact with them in ways that sabotage a relationship instead of build it. They continue the toxic behaviors they displayed in their marriage. They continue to do what they have always done and hope that things turn out differently this time around.

It is key that you stop and take the time to figure out not only what happened in your marriage but also your role in it. You don’t want history to repeat itself. A large percent of second marriages fail. Don’t let yours be one of them!

#4 – Let go of self-sabotaging negativity.

This is one of the most important things to do after a divorce – and the most difficult.

The key to finding happiness after a divorce is to let go of any anger and animosity that you might feel towards your ex.

Holding on to anger is horrible for many reasons. It keeps you mired in the past. It carries an undercurrent of anger and hostility that can sabotage happiness. It can lead to not trusting people. Is unattractive to those it is shared with. And, it could ultimately cause physical problems. My mom held a grudge against my dad for decades – she died at 72 of pancreatic cancer.

So, work hard to not hold on to any anger that you might have against your ex. And, as you work to let go of it, don’t subject random people, especially dates, to your vitriol. It won’t get you anywhere!

#5 – Be open to taking risks.

No risk, no reward, right?

I know that for many people coming out the other side of divorce, the idea of taking risks is untenable.

Their self confidence is shot. They are emotionally drained. They aren’t feeling very hopeful for the future. All of these things make some people want to curl up on the couch, eat ice cream and indulge in lots and lots of reality TV.

And, while it is ok to do this for a while, don’t let it last for long.

For me, after my divorce, I sold my 2000 sq foot house in Vermont and got myself a little apartment on the Upper West Side in NYC. I put my stuff in storage and set off for my adventure. And I am glad I did.

While I didn’t find love in NYC (which I thought I would with the million plus guys there) I did build my business, meet new people and do exciting new things. It was the best 2.5 years of my life, to date – and now I am happily settled in Maine, having done something that I always wanted to do at that turning point in my life.

Now, I am not saying that you have to move to NYC after your divorce. I am a big risk taker so that was easy for me. But pay attention to the life choices that you make and make sure that some of them make you just a little bit nervous.

Doing so will give you the opportunity to truly feel alive again and help you find the happiness that you seek.

#6 – Do that thing you have always wanted to do.

It’s interesting – marriage can make one’s life very small. Between jobs and kids and careers and extended family, the life that we lived when were single seems like it’s gone for ever. The risks and adventures, the trips and cultural events, the branching out and meeting new people are all put to the side as life goes on.

When you get divorced, you have a chance to open up that world again.

For me, for years going to Peru had been on my bucket list but, because my life was small, I just didn’t make it happen. Once I got divorced I was determined to make it happen. And I did. At the age of 52, I hiked a 17,000 foot mountain and came down the other side to land at Machu Picchu. Not only did I widen my world but I felt damn good about myself doing it.

So, what is that thing that you have always wanted to do? Do it!

 

finding happiness after divorce

#7 – Spend time with people who love you.

When we come out the other side of a divorce often our self-confidence has been destroyed.We don’t feel good about ourselves and are perfectly. We are happy to wallow in the feelings of self-hatred.

Well, let me tell you that, just because you got divorced, you are not a bad person. You aren’t worthless. You are deserving of love. And, if you have a hard time believing me, just ask those friends and family members who love you. They will tell you.

In an effort to find happiness after divorce, it is key that you spend time with people who love you, people who will remind you of your worth to the world and all that you have to give. If you are surrounded by this kind of unconditional love, it will help you believe in yourself again and move confidently into the world.

#8- Take care of yourself.

I know – this one seems obvious but it must be included in any list of finding happiness after or a divorce.

While the instinct to stay home and indulge in your depression might be tempting, I encourage you to do that as little as possible. Make sure that you get outside and exercise. That you sleep and eat well. That you don’t spend hours stalking your ex on social media. That you do things that feed your soul.

I know the idea of getting up off the couch right now but I can promise that, if you do, you will be one step closer to finding the happiness that you seek!

#9 – Get help.

Most people who are going through and getting past a divorce have never done so before. Sure they might have been through a break up but not a divorce. As a result, they have no idea with they are doing.

I always encourage my clients to find some kind of support to get through this difficult time. Whether it’s a friend who has been through a divorce already, a therapist who can help you process your feelings or a life coach who can help you figure out next steps (or all three), getting some kind of support as you navigate the treacherous waters of life during and after a divorce is essential to any future happiness!

So there you go – 9 key elements of finding happiness after a divorce.

I know that many of these things might feel daunting right now, keep this list close so that, when you are ready, you know what you have to do.

And, I promise you – you can do it! And, if you do, you will find the life and the love that you so much want to have!

7 Ways to Rekindle Love with Your Wife

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Marriage is long and hard and it’s easy for married couples to lose their way. To start taking each other for granted and to, sometimes, fall out of love.

But there are ways to rekindle love with your wife, if you are willing to make the time and the effort to do it. And it’s not that hard to do…you have done it before, when you were falling IN love.

What I would encourage you first and foremost to do is to talk to your wife about how you feel and what you want to do. That you are feeling some space in your marriage and that you are interested in finding each other again. It is important that both spouses are on board. If she just isn’t interested, don’t waste your time.

I did have a male client who worked for months to rekindle his marriage, only to have her ask for a divorce in the end. She was just going through the paces, not really invested in the outcome of his efforts.

So, after you have checked in with your spouse and agreed to move forward, here are 7 ways to rekindle your love with your wife.

#1 – Do things that you used to do together.

Remember when you and your wife first met, the things that you used to do together, the things that you did together that led to your falling in love?

Do you still do any of those things? I am guessing probably not. And if you do still do them, you probably don’t do them very often.

The past can be a powerful thing. Think about how you feel when you hear a song from your youth or smell something that reminds you of something in your past. Can’t you “feel†those things. Don’t they take you back to a moment in time that you can feel in your body, even if just for a moment?

So you can do with your wife, to help reignite your love.

I have a client who told me that, when he and his wife dated before their marriage, they did two things every weekend. They went for a long hike and took themselves out for margaritas afterwards. Getting up early in the morning and being on the trail before everyone else made them feel so close and earning those margaritas together made them feel like they were a team.

Since they have gotten married, those weekends together have disappeared. To be fair, weekends can be consumed with kids’ activities or work or commitments to extended family. But, also to be fair, some of their weekends were free. And yet, they didn’t take advantage of those free weekends to spend any time together.

I would encourage you to make the time to do the things that you and your wife used to do together. Get a babysitter for the kids. Plan ahead and have it on your calendar so that nothing else gets in they. Whatever it takes for you to spend time together doing the things that you used to love to do.

#2 – Do new things together.

On the flip side, I always encourage men who are looking to rekindle love with their wives is to do new things together.

We all tend to get into ruts, to do the same things over and over and over, especially when we have been married for a long time. And that kind of stagnation can kill the love in a marriage.

So, what are things that you and your wife can do together that is new? It can be as simple as going for a walk together every night or something a little more complicated like learning how to dance. Anything that will involve the two of you, side by side, learning something new that shakes up your life just a little bit.

#3 – Touch each other.

Be honest. How often do you and your wife touch each other? Other than maybe the occasionally married people sex, do you have the same kind of physicality that you used to have before you were married.

While I know that having more sex would be lovely, I would encourage to you to invest in a simpler form of physical touch – hugs and hand holding. Why? Because human beings communicate better with actions than words. Words can sometime come out wrong – a hug is always a hug. Something that makes you feel good.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can bring a couple together. And holding hands while driving in the car or taking a walk will connect you in a way that almost nothing else can.

So, take the time to touch your wife. It might feel weird to do at first if it’s something that you haven’t done for a while but you will grow to enjoy it very much. I promise.

rekindle love in your marriage

#4- Learn each other’s love language.

For many people, when they try to make their partner feel loved, they give their partner what they would need to feel loved. And then they don’t understand why it doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is because what one person needs to feel loved might not work for another person. So, their efforts are in vain.

This is where the love languages come in. In theory, there are 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gift giving. If you can speak to your partner in their love language, they will feel loved.

When I was married, we didn’t know about the love languages. If we had, we would have known that my love language was quality time and his physical touch and we would have stopped giving each other acts of service!

So, learn each other’s love languages. It’s easy to do. Just go on to this website and take the quiz. Do it together!

#5- Use your words.

I hear the same thing over and over, from men and from women. “He/she doesn’t need me to tell them I love them. They know.†And, I tell them, over and over, that it isn’t necessarily true!

People need to hear that they are loved. That someone thinks that they are beautiful. That someone is proud of something that has been accomplished. It’s just human nature – affirmations can make us feel love and connected and nurtured.

So many couples, while they might have been good at this in the beginning, stop telling their partner how they feel about them as time goes on. As a result, neither one of them feels loved and connected and their feelings for each other fade.

This can be easily stopped if you both just start speaking up about what you see and how you feel.

I don’t mean to love bomb your partner. That won’t feel authentic. But when she walks in the room, tell her how great she looks. I promise you, the effects will be immediate.

#6 – Regular Check Ins.

I remember the summer that my husband and I decided to have a drink together every night after work. It was something that we had stopped doing once our kids took over our lives.

The pattern was that he would come home form work and I would be in the middle of dinner and homework and I would put him right to work. We would do everything that we needed to do for the rest of the night, falling into bed, exhausted, barely having acknowledged each other.

And this only disconnected us.

So, make an effort to check in at least weekly with your partner, even more if possible. Learn about what is going on in each other’s lives. How each other is feeling. What to can to support each other. Rebuild your connection so that you feel close to each other in a way you haven’t done for a while.

#7 – Talk about the future.

Talking about the future is something that couples do regularly when they are first together. Those heady days of falling in love and visualizing what the future could hold.

Unfortunately, talking about dreams for the future often gets put on hold during the chaos of married life. And, if there are dreams being considered, they are often just for oneself and not for a couple.

Talking about the future is a verbalization that you see each other together going forward. A confirmation that you know that your hopes and dreams for the future, no matter how distant, are aligned. This is an essential part of feeling connected.

My ex-husband and I used to talk about the future often. We were nervous about it because our marriage was struggling but still we talked about it. When he stopped wanting to talk about the future, I knew that it was a sign that our marriage was over.

So, keep looking ahead with your wife. It will make you excited about things to come!

I hope that you now see that it is possible to rekindle love with your wife.

I know that some of the things that I have listed might seem a little bit intimidating and of course they do – most or even all of them are things that you are out of practice doing. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start up again.

You can do it!

 

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