7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

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7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

I always tell people that the best way to get over an ex is to go “no contact” – specifically to block them on their phone so that they can’t get in touch. After all, if you aren’t in contact with your ex, the toxic cycle that has led to the break up will be stopped in its tracks, the pain will fade and life will go on.

Interestingly, when I suggest this to men, they see it’s value and have no hesitation to block their ex. Unfortunately, almost without exception, when I suggest that a woman block her ex I am immediately met with push back, most specifically with the phrase “that seems awfully harsh.”

After talking to a client who has repeatedly refused to block a series of exes, no matter how toxic they are, I decided to dig into what experts say about why women make choices that self-sabotage, namely not blocking their ex. I thought that understanding it might help me help women overcome their hesitation and do the very thing that will allow them to move on and find the love they seek.

#1 – Our brains will choose pleasure over pain every time.

According to Mandy Napier, Master Practitioner of Neurological Repatterning and Behavioral Change, human beings are fundamentally drawn towards pleasure and away from pain. The reason for this is because of two parts of the brain that have an uneasy co-existence.

Every brain has two sides – the conscious (logic and intellect) and the unconscious (emotions and memories). The subconscious mind is significantly more powerful than the conscious mind. As a result, much of our decision making is done with our emotions and based on that which gives us pleasure, conveniently ignoring the conscious brain that knows better. As a result, we make illogical choices that might not be in our best interest in the long term. Even worse, when confronted with change, the subconscious mind releases a chemical which fuels doubt and fear which, in turn, leads us to create stories that justify our inability to make change.

When faced with the idea of blocking someone, a woman’s conscious mind might know what she should do but the unconscious mind fuels sadness and fear, something that keeps her from doing what she intellectually knows is best for her.

#2 – We struggle with feelings of self-worth.

According to therapist Dr. Pat Allen, “The only way you know you love yourself…is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep.” Unfortunately, our unconscious brain, which stores our memories, is full of memories of broken commitments and bad decisions, memories that can lead us to have low-self esteem.

It is just this feeling of being a failure that keeps us from doing something good for ourselves. After all, we have made so many bad choices in the past, choices that have brought us to this place, why should we trust ourselves to do the right thing for us now?

And so we default to the thing the gives us pleasure in the moment – being on the other side of the phone should our ex decide to contact us, even if we know, deep down, that we are only sabotaging our sense of self-worth by doing so.

#3 – We always put the needs of others first.

Therapist Rosjke Hasseldine writes about “The Culture of Female Service.” This school of thought speaks to the cultural beliefs that women are the nurturing gender and that it is a woman’s role to nurture their family and relationships. This school of thought is one that is continually reinforced with the generational pattern of women to put everyone else’s needs above their own. I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.

Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to put their needs second, prioritizing the feelings of their partner. Even in a break up, women tend to prioritize their partner’s needs. One of my clients wouldn’t block her ex because “he was in pain,” in spite of the fact that every time she heard from him it was like a dagger to her heart.

women can't block their ex

#4 – Overcoming ambivalence is hard to do.

If there is one thing that it is innately human, its the struggle to make a decision. And this ambivalence, according to Dr. Allan Zuckoff, is exactly the thing that makes it difficult to take action in one way or another. When faced with making a decision we, both consciously and unconsciously, weigh the costs vs the benefits – to get what we want, what must we sacrifice to do so.

When it comes to deciding whether or not to block an ex, women struggle with this cost/benefit equation. While the benefits might be significant – letting go of a toxic relationship, no longer being re-injured, an end to the pain – the cost are significant too – shutting the door of the relationship, the fear of intense pain, the letting go of things ending differently. The trade off, unfortunately, isn’t crystal clear. Furthermore, because many women struggle with low self-esteem, especially at the end of a relationship, getting clarity about what they should do is almost impossible.

And so, unable to equalize the costs/benefit equation, women maintain the status quo and don’t block their ex.

#5 – We are addicted to the text alert.

I always say that letting go of a relationship, especially one that is toxic or involves a married man, is much like letting go of an addiction. And one’s cell phone plays a significant role in fueling those addictive behaviors, making them harder to let go of.

According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer, the brain chemistry of someone in love is similar to the brain chemistry of someone who has taken drugs or eaten chocolate or had a drink. All these things trigger chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin, all feel good chemicals that influence romantic bonds. When a relationship ends, the production of these chemicals ceases, leaving many people, especially women, craving more.

One way that those feel good chemicals are produced is when a text alert from an ex comes across one’s phone. Those feel good chemicals surge again, making someone feel high. Unfortunately, those chemicals only last so long and that woman is soon left feeling depleted. If a woman blocks her ex, she knows that she is forever letting go of that wonderful feeling that she gets when she receives a text, the idea of which leads to desperation and despair.

#6 – Repeated self-sabotaging negative thoughts derail us.

I know that my clients all know that blocking their exes is the right thing to do, that it will ultimately help them move on. Unfortunately, those same clients tend to get bogged down with persistent negative thoughts about themselves and their lives, ones that are ultimately self-sabotaging.

According to Dr. Judy Ho, every person has thousands of thoughts a day, some of them positive and, unfortunately, many of them negative. While one might think that these negative thoughts are just thoughts, because they are so often repeated, they soon become habits and therefore driving forces in the decisions that we make, many of which are self-sabotaging.

When it comes to blocking an ex, these self-sabotaging thoughts rear their ugly head. Sometimes women catastrophize – going directly to the worse case scenario if they block them, perhaps that they will be alone forever. They might hesitate to block their ex because because they don’t him to be in pain. And, most often, their self-sabotaging thoughts tell them that they just can’t do it.

And so they don’t.

#7 – Our happiness depends on the happiness of others.

I stumbled upon a term recently, “happiness by proxy,” a term which means our own happiness depends on the happiness of others. If there is anything that describes a woman, it is this term.

Because women have the innate need to care for others, when others are unhappy, they are too. When told that the best way to end a toxic relationship and move on is by blocking the person who hurt them, paradoxically, women worry about how their ex will FEEL if they do that. Will they be confused? Sad? Angry? Or, even worse, happy?

As a result, women don’t want to block their ex because they won’t know how their ex will feel and worry about not being able to help them and therefore feel miserable themselves. Of course, if a woman doesn’t block her ex, her ex might be happier that he can reach her but only at her expense.

Not being able to block an ex is the number one reason why women are not able to get out of a toxic relationship.

By staying attached to their ex, even if just electronically, they will never be able to let go.

Perhaps if a woman is aware of why she just can’t block her ex, that it could be because of a negative thought patterns or low self-esteem or a form of addiction, perhaps she can recognize that she doesn’t stay because of some love for him but perhaps something else that she struggles with.

Blocking her ex and letting him go just could be the first step in overcoming these struggles which could, in turn, give her happy ending.

9 Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

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9  Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

Are you in the heartbreaking position of knowing that you need to break up with someone because they aren’t the right person for you? Do you know that you need to do it but are finding it impossible to do so?

I totally get it – I have been there. Everyone has been there. After all, for so many reasons, breaking up is hard to do!

But why is breaking up so hard? After all, you know that they aren’t the person for you and yet you can’t let them go. The reasons are complex. Understanding those reasons might help you step up and do what has to be done, namely letting someone who isn’t the right person for you go, for both of your sakes.

To that end, here are 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

#1 – Because of how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Were things with you and your partner wonderful in the beginning? Do you hold on to the memories of your initial meeting, when you talked into the night? Do remember the passionate sex? Do you think about the magic and the romance, the dreams about the future, the satisfaction that you knew that you had finally found your person?

All of those things are hard to let go of.

For many of my clients, one of the reasons that they find that they can’t break up with their partner is because of how wonderful it was in the beginning. They believe that if they just hold on long enough, they will find that spark again and it will carry them forward.

Unfortunately, in any relationship, it’s impossible to go back to the beginning. Even in healthy relationships, the spark of an early relationship will never return. For a healthy relationship, that spark will settle down to contentment and happiness. For an unhealthy one, that spark will be extinguished forever, never to return.

So, if you find that you are having a hard time breaking up with your person, know that trying to get back to the beginning will only cause frustration.

#2 – Because you truly believe that your love can change them.

Are you one of those people who likes to take care of other people? Is this especially true when you are in a relationship? Do you believe that if you only love your person enough, you can change them and therefore change your relationship?

This happens all the time. I remember in one relationship my boyfriend was really struggling to be successful in the world. Because of this, his insecurity was making our relationship untenable. I truly believed that if I only loved him enough, if I supported him enough, I could fix our relationship by making him feel better about himself.

That boyfriend is now an ex.

If you are not breaking up with your person, even though you know you should, because you believe that with effort you can fix everything, just know you can’t. All the love in the world won’t change another person’s behavior unless they want to change. And if you’re one of those people who believes that they are not a quitter, and therefore won’t leave a relationship, know that you’re being willing to quit will only lead to more unhappiness because you can’t be the only person in a relationship who is fighting for it!

#3 – Because you don’t want to cause anyone pain.

Nobody wants to cause anyone pain. Nobody. After all, why would we want to inflict pain on someone who we once loved and probably do still care about?

And I get this. But I always ask people if their person is in pain right now. Is their person unhappy because the relationship is struggling? Perhaps they are anxious and preoccupied with what is happening. Perhaps they are feeling hopeless about the future because of the relationship. Would you really be causing them more pain by ending the relationship?

One thing that I see over and over in relationships is that someone doesn’t break up with someone but instead slowly pulls away, giving their person less and less until they are truly just breadcrumbing them. Because of their fear of hurting their person, they hope that if they give their person less, their person will break up with them, making it so that they aren’t the cause of any pain.

The truth of this course of action, unfortunately, is only more pain. Instead of having the intense pain of a Band-Aid ripped off by a break up, with the breadcrumbing, it is being taken off slowly, which makes the pain worse.

So if you’re afraid of causing your person pain, know that, while it might hurt in the moment, ultimately, you are ending both of your pain.

#4 – Because your friends and family like them.

I have one client who really didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because of how attached he was to their family. He was distant from his family and his girlfriend’s family had truly embraced him. He had been part of every family event for the past two years. He had helped them build their house. He had gone golfing with her father. He looked at her family as his family.

And, he didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because he didn’t want to let his family down or to lose them. And so he stayed. Unfortunately, because the relationship was an unhealthy one, the family encouraged their daughter to let him go and move on. And, because he drew it all out and caused their daughter pain, the separation from the family was not healthy one and he had to let it go completely.

Are you staying with your partner because your friends tell you that he’s wonderful? Or that your mom is so excited that you finally found the one? If you hold on to what they say, you’re only going extend your misery. After all neither your family nor your friends are in your relationship and understand just what are the dynamics.

#5 – Because you are afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

I would say that, for everyone, they hesitate to break up because they are worried that they will never love or be loved again. They feel like they have a bird in hand, someone who they could build a life with, even if the love isn’t what they had hoped it would be. So they stay, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And they are miserable.

Know that the only way that you will never love or be loved again is if you stay in this relationship. Fitting a square peg into a round hole only leads to dissatisfaction. If you can let go of this relationship and put yourself out there for a new one, you are way more likely to find one where you can receive the love that you want. And letting go of someone who you can’t love completely is the best gift that you can give them because it will give them the opportunity to find true love as well.

#6 – Because you are trauma bonded to them.

Many people who stay in relationships that aren’t working do so because they are trauma bonded to their person, that they stay with their person not because of love but of some kind of shared trauma that keeps them together.

Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening. Signs of trauma bonding are a need for constant verbal affirmation, a partner manipulating you into doing what they want, an uneven power dynamic, and history constantly repeating itself.

Often times, people who are in relationships that display these signs, become bonded to their partner not because of love but because of toxicity, something that can be very hard to recognize.

So, ask yourself what has happened in your relationship to see if perhaps your bond is not a healthy one.

#7 – Because you are reliant on them for support.

One of the reasons why breaking up is never easy is because, often times, when we have been in a long-term relationship, we can become reliant on our partner. That we need them to support us in order to live our lives.

What that kind of support looks like can be varied. Sometimes it’s financial support, with your partner helping you pay your rent or your tuition. Sometimes it’s emotional; you find that you need your partner to help you get through difficult times. Sometimes it’s just that you enjoy having someone around the house to help you with the chores and the kids.

Whatever kind of support that you get from your partner, know that you will figure things out if you break up with them. After all, you had many years without them, years that you managed just fine, and you will do the same when your break up is complete.

#8 – Because you don’t want to start dating again.

I get it! Dating sucks! Nobody wants to do it if they don’t have to.

But that’s no reason to stay with someone.

If you are staying with someone because you don’t want to date again, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Yes, dating can be a horrible thing, but it is a thing that leads you to find the person who you’re meant to be with. Having to get back on the horse might be daunting, but it isn’t the end of the world. You can date. You have done so before. And you can do so again.

Yes, the prospect might feel yucky, but you can’t do it!

breaking up is never easy#9 – Because hope never dies.

One of the most interesting things about human beings is that, inherently, hope never dies.

I often wonder about people who are in plane crashes and, if until the moment the plane crashes, do they have hope that they will survive. I am guessing they do. The human heart and brain wants to believe that it will all work out in the end.

Are you hoping that if you just hold onto this relationship, you can make it work? Are you hoping that if you are a better person, or can give your partner more, or if they can change, that you can live happily ever after? If yes, know that what you are believing could just be hope and not based in any sort of reality.

Heartbreaking I know, but true.

So there you go, 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

I know that you don’t want to do this. I know that the prospect of being alone, of hurting someone, of having to start dating all over again, is making you hesitate to let go of your person.

But, hopefully, having an understanding that why you might be having a hard time breaking up with someone is not because you truly love them, but because of reasons that are way more complex.

I know you can do this. I know you can break up with this person, to free you both up to find love and happiness. Go for it!

9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

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9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

I would say that, without exception, when I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, she tells me that she can’t because its “harsh.” That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. Is that a word that rings true with you?

And I get it. We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. BUT, there is a reason why we find ourselves in a place where we should block someone – because they have hurt us over and over.

That being said, while my clients say that they don’t want to be harsh, I know that they also don’t want to block their ex; they want to leave the door cracked open for getting back together. This is especially true for women who are dating married men – they don’t really want to break up with them but do try so, hoping it will change the outcome.

So, whether you don’t want to block someone because you don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to block them because you are holding out hope for a different ending, it is important to know that blocking your ex will save your sanity. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road.

So, why will blocking your ex save your sanity? Let me share.

#1 – You won’t get your fix and then have it taken away. Over and Over.

I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. She really wants to do it but she tells me that she just can’t block him now. I told her that I would support her but that the only way that she will truly be able to let go of him is if she blocks him.

A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.

She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him, and they talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had gotten a taste of him and he was gone again.

This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. She was alternately elated and completely destroyed. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are now back together.

She told me that she had to do it to save her sanity. That he was making her crazy and she needed the pain to stop. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t. If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.

#2 – He won’t have an opportunity to wiggle his way back in.

It is truly amazing to me what married men do when their lover tries to break up with them. They initially agree that it is the best thing as he knows that they is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.

You see, a married man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to stay married for all the reasons and he wants his affair partner to make his life a better place. So, while his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.

So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his lover is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.

#3 – You won’t need to be strong – your phone will do it for you.

Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.

Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful, falling in love, both in person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.

Now its time to use that phone for good. If you can block your guy, you won’t have to worry about being strong.  You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking him back. If he can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear his voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.

#4 – He won’t be able to wound you with his words.

Be honest – doesn’t your guy, particularly if he is a married one, more often than not, make you feel sad with his words.

Does he declare that he loves you, that you are his soul mate, that he has never had a love like he has with you and then, in the same breath, say that he will never leave his wife and his family?

Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with him over and over, trying to get a different outcome?

Or, if you do manage to try to break up with him, does he repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?

Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block him!

#5 – You won’t have to say good bye over and over.

I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”

This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.

I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. (Which, as my regular readers know, is a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time) Anyway, what happened when she went to see her married guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.

So, if you block your guy, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!

#6 – He won’t be able to make you feel guilty.

This is something that I recently realized was a thing – especially with married man – that a guy would make his lover feel guilty for leaving him.

One of my clients told me that she knows, because they still talk, that he is hurting and that she can’t cut him off completely because she wants to be there for him. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.

But, the reason that he is hurting is OF HIS OWN MAKING. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could make the choice to choose her but he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her – its on him!

So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease his, as you always do.

#7 – You will rebuild your self-esteem.

One thing that happens when women repeatedly try, and fail, to break up with their guy, is that they start to lose faith in themselves and it damages their self-esteem.

Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.

That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!

#8 – He will see that you really mean it this time.

For many of my clients, they have broken up with their married man over and over. The man pushes back a bit but knows exactly how to get them back – with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.

If you can manage to block him, your married man, and an ex, will see that you are serious. That he won’t be able to do the things that he has done to get you back. That, this time, you might actually walk away.

And yes, while that might cause him pain, it is exactly what he needs. He needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. He needs to know that you won’t take his empty promises again. He needs to know that he hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.

Blocking your guys sense him a message, that it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting him go.

#9 – You will finally be able to move on and have a new life.

So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling when they are away from their guy. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him too. And that pain is pain that will never go away. Break up pain will fade but if you are being hurt regularly, you will just continue to suffer.

If you can block your guy, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your guy and that you will ever be happy again. BUT YOU WILL AND CAN.

And, if you block him you will have the best chance to get that life. A life full of friends and success at work and self confidence and, maybe, even love.

You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away!

So there you go, 9 reasons why blocking your ex will save your sanity.

Sanity. This is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right guy for you is all about. The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.

I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again – the ONLY way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block him. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy, particularly her married guy, if she fails to block him!

You can do this – you are a woman after all!

11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken So You Can Get the Love You Want

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11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken

I say this over and over but it is true every time – there is literally nothing worse than a broken heart.

Waking up in the morning, happy for a moment until you realize what has happened. The physical pain that one feels from the loss. The profound disappointment. The fears for the future that they will never be loved again. All of those things are incredible overwhelming and makes one feel like they will never be happy again.

Well, let me tell you, in spite of what some novels and movies might tell you, no one dies of a broken heart. No one. And you won’t either.

The key is, instead of focusing on your broken heart, focusing on healing. I know it might seem like an impossible task but you can do it!

To that end, let me share with you 11 ways to heal when your heart is truly broken!

#1 – Feel the feelings…

One thing that many people try to do is to push down their feelings when their heart is broken.

After all, feeling ones feelings tends to lead to pain and pain is one of those things that we are biologically wired to not avoid.

Many people want to “tough it out,” to not let their ex have the satisfaction of their pain. Or perhaps they have been taught to never reveal their feelings and so they stuff them down. Or perhaps the pain the feelings cause is just too intense and unbearable. For whatever reason, people don’t face their feelings head on after a break up.

But, not feeling your feelings won’t help you heal. Pushing down your feelings will only get them stuck in your body where they will fester and make things worse for you. It is important that you feel your feelings, feel the pain, and then consciously let them go.The feelings won’t go away but I can promise you that, with time, the pain will lessen and you will feel better.

And that is how you start to heal.

#2 – …but don’t let them consume you.

For those of you who feel your feelings deeply, who aren’t scared of the pain and let their feelings become an integral part of their lives after a break up, I encourage you to stop!

Feeling ones feelings is one thing, and a very important thing, but letting those feelings take over your life will only hold you back from healing.

I always recommend that my clients let themselves truly embrace their broken heart for a short period of time, perhaps a few weeks. After that, it is important that those feelings not be what drives you. That they are there, in the background, but that you are living your life in spite of them.

There is nothing that will hold back healing more than allowing those feelings to overwhelm you. To spend all of your time in your head, replaying what has happened over and over, feeling sorry for yourself and angry at the world. Instead, if you can pick your head up, recognize that you will be okay and take steps out of the world of constant pain, you will give your body, and you mind, the chance to heal.

#3 – Block them, unfriend them, unfollow them.

I am sure that you are thinking that blocking, unfriending or unfollowing your ex is “very harsh.” I hear this all the time, especially from women, that they feel like they are being unkind if they do those things. They also feel like if they do those things, their relationship is truly over, that their ex will never be able to reach them if they want to get back together.

And I get that but, if you don’t take this step, you will never get over your broken heart. Never.

A big part of healing when your heart is broken is to cut off contact with your ex. Its important that they not be able to reach out to you, to have “closure” or to “be friends” or to manipulate your emotions in any way. If they can do that, they will set you back big time and only make the pain worse.

Its the same with seeing what your ex is doing on social media. I have many clients who just “take a peek” figuring how bad could it be. And after they see their ex, and they get that shot of dopamine, they only revert back to the intense pain, sometimes even worse.

Why? Because they see their ex getting on with their lives, seemingly not hurting at all after the break up, maybe even hanging out with someone new. All of those things will only make you feel more heartbroken and like their ex never cared for you at all.

Remember, people only post their best selves on social media, especially if they guess that their ex will check them out. They want people to see that their lives are exciting and their exes to see that they have moved on. But all of those things are illusions. Yes, someone might be living their lives but behind the scenes they too are dealing with life and the pain of a break up.

So, don’t ever look at an ex on social media, even “just a peek.” It will only hold you back from the peace that you are seeking after your break up.

#4 – Don’t waste time reinforcing your feelings on social media.

Have you spent a ton of time online, researching what it means to be a narcissist? Do find yourself on TikTok, watching videos of women going through break ups, them talking about how horrible their ex is and how they got gaslit? Do you try to find inspirational posts but only focus on things that reinforce how bad you are feeling?

I get that. Its always nice to be with people who are hurting in a similar way that you are. BUT, being around other hurting people on social media is different. These people are not your friends. They do not know your situation. They are just speaking, in a void, about their own experiences and what they think you should do.

And, rarely, do people who are on social media talk about how happy they are. Sure, they are out there, but the algorithm will drive the unhappy ones to your feed because unhappiness drives clicks.

Like everything, moderation is the key. Of course, spend a short period to time scrolling, perhaps the same amount of time that you are deeply feeling your feelings but then put down your phone. If you must be on your phone, seek out inspirational sharing – stories of people who have made it out the other side.

It is important that you stop looking back and holding on to your anger and hurt. Instead, look forward to a time and place where you can be happy, and use social media to help you get the tools to get there.

#5 – Make a list of the issues in the relationship.

This is a very important one – making a list of the things that were an issue in the relationship.

When we get out of a relationship, it is very easy to forget all the things that were wrong with it. And, before you tell me that there was nothing wrong with your relationship – that it was perfect – think twice. Of course there was something wrong with it. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

And, because we forget all the bad things that happen in a relationship, we tend to get nostalgic, remembering only the good things, and that causes us to self-sabotage. To perhaps do some social media stalking. Perhaps reach out to an ex, getting the break up cycle revved up again. Things that definitely won’t help us move forward.

So, get out a pen and paper (use paper – you can keep it close) and make a list of the things that were wrong in the relationships, the times you felt hurt or ignored or slighted. I think that you will find that once you get started, you will have an easy time making the list. Continue to add to it as more things come to you.

And, once you have your list (ever growing perhaps) keep it close to you so that you can refer to it regularly. If you are reminded about the truth of your relationship you are less like to go back to it and more likely to move forward and heal.

#6 – Get off the couch.

Perhaps you are reading this from the couch? Or your bed? Or some other place where you are prone, depressed, sad and lonely.

Of course you are.  Your heart is broken and you just can’t get up and go.

And, I get that!!! But, don’t let yourself get stuck to your couch for long. It will only set you back in your healing process.

Of course, much like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, spending some time on the couch when you are heartbroken is part of the process. Its impossible to go from heartbroken to fine in the flick of a switch. But, like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, its important that you, fairly quickly, get off the couch and out in the world.

It doesn’t have to be a big effort – maybe just getting off the couch to take a shower. Or go for a walk. Perhaps it can be a bit more – maybe a movie with a friend or a drink with your sister.  Whatever would be the thing that will get you off the couch and back out into the world.

The couch is a cozy place but it’s not a place where you will find healing. That is out there in the world and you will only find it through motion.

#7 – Dig into something that will keep your mind occupied.

The last time I had a broken heart, I was devastated. And all I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. And I did that, for a while.

But when I got up I decided that I had to do something. I could continue going on with my life – seeing friends, walking my dog, kind of life coaching – or I could dig into something that would give my life some purpose and keep my mind occupied.

So, I decided to build my business. I buckled down and built my website and started blogging and putting myself out there for free sessions. I worked my butt off, striving to build a business that would take me into the rest of my life and not keep me looking backwards.

And, while I still suffered, the pain was lessened as I found success until, sooner than later, I had a thriving business and a wonderful new boyfriend.

What would be a good thing for you to dig into?

#8 – Don’t play the victim – embrace your power.

This is something that people do all the time when their heart is broken – they play the victim card.

The act like they were wronged. That they were perfect in the relationship and that their partner was incredibly stupid to have left them. That their suffering is worse than any other suffering ever. That they have been wronged and nothing will ever repair them.

It is important that, when you have a broken heart, instead of playing the victim, you embrace your power. That you take a good hard look at your role in the end of the relationship and that you work to make change for yourself. Don’t let someone else dictate how you are feeling or how you react. Take charge of your life and make it be your best one.

I played the victim when my ex-husband left me for another woman until I came to my senses and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage. This sped up my healing big time!

#9 – Shift your energy.

One small thing that people can do when they are broken hearted is to shift up their energy.

Instead of living in space that they used to share with someone, I encourage people to change the space. To get rid of anything that reminds them of their ex. To move furniture and decorations around where possible. To perhaps throw out old bedding and towels and buy new.

I also encourage people to walk, or drive, a different way home. To go to new restaurants and coffee shops. To create new weekend rituals. To do things differently than they used to do things with their ex.

The goal in doing all of this is to shift up your energy – to block the negative energy and allow new, positive energy to flow. I know that it sounds new-agey but it really works. Out with the old, negative energy and in with the new.

#10 – Think about past breakups.

I am guessing that you have been broken hearted before (and yes, probably even as broken hearted as you are now although you refuse to believe it). And, I am guessing that, because you are newly broken hearted, you moved on from that last relationship into this new one. And, just like last time, you will recover again.

And, because you have survived a break up before, you have some tools in your tool belt that helped you get through those dark times. Can you think about those times and dig them out again? Often times, what works for us once will work for us again!

#11 – Believe that you will be happy, and loved, again!

I am sure that right now, even after reading this list, you are feeling like you will never be happy again, that no one will ever love you again.

And I can promise you that THIS JUST ISN’T TRUE.

Just because some bozo didn’t see the value in you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. This break up was a gift – you didn’t have to waste even one more minute on someone who wasn’t the right person for you.

If you can get yourself up off the couch, not dwelling in the past but looking to the future, there is no reason at all why you won’t be able to find your person. After all, they are out there, going through own shit, becoming the person they will be when you finally meet.

I just know it!

7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

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7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

I wish I could say that boyfriends who break their promises are a rare thing but I am afraid that they are not. I have many, many clients who come to me, frustrated that they can’t trust their boyfriends to do what they say they are going to do and not sure what to do about it.

Of course, boyfriends don’t always repeatedly break their promises with malicious intent. Often times, they worry that they will let their girlfriends down and so, in the moment, make a promise that they know they won’t keep. Either way, though, they end up breaking their promises, disappointing their girlfriends, to say the least.

So, how do you deal with a boyfriend who keeps breaking his promises? Let me give you some suggestions.

#1 – Don’t make excuses for his behavior.

Many of my clients make excuses for why their boyfriend when they lie. Perhaps their boyfriend had to prioritize work and could not do what he said he would do. Perhaps he didn’t understand what he had promised. Perhaps you had asked too much of him. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Whatever there reason for his behavior, don’t justify it away. No one, man or woman, should break their promises. If a girlfriend repeatedly broke their promises would you justify it away or would consider letting them go as a friend because they continue to let you down?

If you continue to justify his behavior, even as he continues to break his promises over and over, it will just lead to you feeling badly about yourself because you will believe, every time, that if he loved you he would keep his promises so he must not.

#2 – Stop believing that he is ever going to keep his promises.

Wishful thinking is something that can cause big time destruction in a relationship. In this case, the wishful thinking is that your boyfriend will stop his behavior out of nowhere, will start keeping all of his promises and your problem will be solved.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. If a man is in the habit of breaking promises over and over, and he gets away with it, he has no reason to change. He will continue to do what he does.

If you are going to continue to be in this relationship, it will be important for you to accept that he won’t ever keep his promises. Why? For two reasons.

The first is that you won’t feel let down. If you accept that the promises that he makes are empty, then you won’t feel let down when things don’t happen.

The second is that, if you accept that this behavior will be ongoing, you won’t ask him to make you any promises. You will just do what you have to do to get things done, leaving him on the sidelines to do his own thing.

I am not advocating accepting that he will always break his promises. Ultimately, you will find this unsustainable and painful but it is an option should you choose to stay in the relationship.

boyfriend repeatedly breaks his promises

#3 – Try to get him to talk about why he does what he does.

It is important that you and your boyfriend have a dialogue about why he breaks his promises. Doing so will calling him out on his behavior and also, perhaps, lead him to reflect on why he breaks his promises over and over.

I know that my husband often breaks his promises but he does so because he doesn’t want to let me down. For weeks he promised to cut up some fallen trees and for weeks he kept putting it off with excuses. Finally, I got mad and called him out on it. He said that he was concerned that the trees weren’t on our land and that is why he didn’t want to cut them up.

If he had only told me the truth when I first asked him to cut up the trees, I wouldn’t have had the expectation that he was going to do it, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and I wouldn’t have felt let down (a feeling that is not going away).

On the other hand, my ex-husband used to break his promises all the time. While sometimes he would keep his promises, more often than not he wouldn’t. More often than not he intended to keep his promises but was just incapable of doing it, for whatever reason. This repeated breaking of promises eroded our relationship to the point that he is now my ex-husband.

So, try to talk to your boyfriend about why he does what he does. Perhaps this will help you both understand what is happening so that you can work together to make change.

#4 – Don’t let him off the hook.

Many of my clients don’t call their boyfriends out on their broken promises. Perhaps at the beginning they did, but, as time goes on, they stop doing so.

They stop doing so because they feel like a nag when they do. They are so disappointed that they don’t want to have another fight. They don’t want to give their boyfriends a reason to leave. They blame themselves for what has happened.

For whatever reason, women often let their boyfriends off the hook when they are repeatedly breaking promises. Unfortunately, the only thing that this does is encourage their boyfriend to continue breaking promises as they know that there will be no consequences if they do.

#5 – Know that its not because he doesn’t love you (most likely).

So many of my clients believe that when their partner breaks their promises it is because they don’t love them. That their actions reflect their true feelings. And while this might in fact be the case, more often than not its not.

One of my client’s husbands had promised to stop on the way home from work to look at some new windows for their house. He had to work later than he thought and he just forgot. My client took this to mean that he didn’t love her – that if he loved her he would have done what he promised.

And, in this case, it just wasn’t true. He did love her, he just forgot to do what he promised and committed to doing it the next day.

Another client had a boyfriend who was consistently letting her down, promising to spend time with her and then making excuses why he couldn’t. While he didn’t break those promises because he didn’t love her, spending time with her was not a priority for him. Because she let him get away with it, he made no effort to change. And, because she continued to let him break his promises to her, eventually he just walked away because he didn’t respect that she was such a doormat and fell in love with someone who challenged him.

So know that, most often, men don’t break their promises as a reflection of their feelings. They do it because they can.

#6 – Get help.

Many people who perpetually break promises have some kind of internal mechanism that leads them to do it. Perhaps they were always lied to as a child and its all they know. Perhaps they struggle with self esteem issues and believe that their actions aren’t important. Perhaps they tend to sabotage relationships and breaking promises has always succeeded in the past.

Whatever the reason, if your boyfriend continues to break his promises and you want to stay in the relationship, if is essential that you have some kind of couples therapy, whether with a therapist or with a life coach.

Working together with a professional will help you understand why he breaks his promises and him understand the effect that it has on you. Once you have some clarity about what the broken promises do to your relationship, you can start developing tools for how to do things differently.

Perhaps when its time for him to make a promise the two of you work together to define whether or not he thinks he can succeed at it or would it perhaps be better for you to modify the promise to something that he can do. Perhaps you talk specifically about what the best way for him to keep his promise would look like. Perhaps he could be honest with you about his ability to carry off this particular promise.

Whatever the actions that you develop might be, doing things differently is the only way that you will be able to break the cycle.

#7 – Walk away.

This is an excellent option to choose if your boyfriend lies to you over and over and over.  Just walk away.

I know that this idea feels like a kick in the teeth but the reality is is this is most likely the best option for you to be happy.

After all, in spite of everything, your boyfriend breaks his promises.  You are in a relationship with someone you can’t trust or rely on. A relationship like this is one that will never survive. After all, a relationship dies without trust.

I know that the idea of walking away is scary as hell. After all, the idea of starting to date again is abhorrent and the possibility that you will never love or be loved again seems like a reality.

Yes, dating won’t be fun but you will love and be loved again and you won’t have to deal with the daily pain of being let down, pain that is most likely getting worse every day.

So, there you go, 7 ways to deal with a boyfriend who repeatedly breaks his promises.

I know that its easy to rationalize away the fact that your boyfriend breaks his promises. After all, we are all only human and humans make mistakes. And this is true.

But, the reality is is that someone who lies to you over and over, which is what breaking a promise really is, is someone it is hard to be in a healthy relationship with. It is essential that you don’t look away from the reality of your relationship and take conscious steps to deal with it.

Only by doing so will you get your happily ever after.

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

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9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

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Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

7 Things to Do if You Want Your Long Distance Relationship to Succeed

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7 Things to Do if You Want Your Long Distance Relationship to Succeed

Keeping relationships happy and strong takes a lot of work. Trying to do that from far away is even harder. I know that when I was living in New York City and dating someone in New Hampshire, even though were really into each other, it was a ton of work – work that we were willing to do but it was hard nonetheless.

I have had a number of clients over the years who have been in long distance relationships that thrived and I have learned a number of tricks that can help a long distance relationship to succeed.

Let me share them with you now!

#1 – Make sure both of you are committed to making it work.

Before I even begin a list of the things that are necessary to make a long distance relationship work, its important that I make this one very clear! If both of you aren’t fully committed to making the relationship work, it won’t succeed.

In every relationship, it is key that both parties are 100% in. Many people believe that, even if their partner isn’t all in, if they really want to make this happen, they can do so on their own. Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way.

For any relationship to work, both parties need to be all in, to have no reservation that making an effort for it to succeed. Of course, there are no guarantees but having both sides willing to make an effort is the key to giving it a good chance.

#2 – Make sure each of you gives equal effort.

This is a common mistake for couples trying to make a long distance relationship work – that one person makes all of the effort to get together.

There are so many logistics of making a long distance relationship work – finding time to get together, figuring out where to get together, setting up phone calls and Facetimes, making an effort to stay involved in the ins and outs of each others lives. And, to make a relationship work it is worth the effort but if one person is doing all of that work, things could get messy.

Are you doing the majority of the work to keep the relationship strong? Perhaps you even enjoy being the one who sets up everything? I appreciate that but it is essential that your partner make some effort to.

This might be a weird comparison but it works. When I offer life coaching clients a discount, I never offer to coach them for free? Why, because if they don’t have some skin in the game, they are less likely to be emotionally involved and the coaching fails. Not because they don’t want to make change but if something comes easy, it doesn’t have as much value.

The same with making an effort to keep a long distance relationship strong – each side much invest some time and make an effort, owning their share of maintenance of the relationship.

long distance relationship to succeed

#3 – Don’t lose you own life waiting by the phone.

Many of my clients who are in long distance relationships, particularly those who are in relationship with a married person, find that they are forfeiting their own lives while working on the long distance relationship.

Instead of living their lives between visits, they organize their time so that they are always available for their partner. They want to be there if their partner calls or wants to see them or has something to share about their day.  Over time, this can erode the quality of one’s life, and, as a result, make the person more reliant on their partner for their happiness.

If you are in a long distance relationship, I encourage you to take the time that is available to you to truly live your life. To spend time with your friends and family, to do the things that you have always wanted to do, have fun.

After all, one of the good things about being in a long distance relationship is that you have time to yourself – always a plus when tied down to another person.

#4 – Always be honest with each other.

Honesty is the key to every healthy relationship – without it, a relationship will most likely fail. This is even more the case when the relationship is long distance. Any kind of untruth can shut it down.

This is particularly the case with little “harmless” white lies, lies that seemingly don’t cause any pain or damage.

Unfortunately, white lies are not harmless – they can at times be more insidious.

People tell white lies to protect their persons feelings. They tell white lies to prevent drama. They tell white lies out of fear. They tell white lies because they don’t want to hurt their person.

And while all of these things seem harmless, they aren’t. Why? Because they are LIES and all lies, even little ones, if you get caught in the can cause permanent damage, especially for a long distance one.

If there isn’t 100% truth in a relationship, it will be hard for it to succeed – after all, when you are so far away from each other, maintaining trust is the key to maintaining connection.

#5 – Talk about the future.

It is essential that, if you want your long distance relationship to succeed, you talk about the future. That you can picture the two of you, together, in the long run.

Many long distance relationships are open ended. One person is in one place and the other is somewhere else and there is no specific plan for how to close that distance in the near or distant future. As a result, the relationship just chugs along with no growth, often to the point that it becomes to so disconnected that it fails.

Of course, many people are fine with the distance and see no reason to change things. And if that works for them, great. But if you find that you are struggling with the health of your relationship, consider if any of it is because you don’t know what the future holds. If this is the case, its important that you talk to your partner about it ASAP!

#6 – Don’t let too much time pass between visits.

No matter how much someone says that they are ok in a long distance relationship, it is still important that they spend as much time in their partners presence as possible.

Talking on the phone and doing video calls are all certainly fine. They will keep you connected to each others daily lives. And that is good. BUT, its also important that you have physical closeness as often as possible. Being in each others presence is the key to a successful long distance relationship.

People need to have physical closeness with their partner. They need to maintain their physical connection. If they don’t so, the relationship can falter. Its much like people who online date. If they only text or talk with a new person, instead of getting together, chances are that the connection will die out from lack of physical nearness.

So, make an effort to spend as much time as you can with your significant other.  You don’t have to be having sex – although that is fun – but just sitting next to each other on a bench in the airport is an excellent thing to do to keep your relationship strong!

#7 – Be realistic.

This is a key part of having your long distance relationship succeed – if its meant to.

Long distance relationships are hard – really hard. And plenty of people make them work but plenty of people don’t. And its important that you not lose sight of that.

Sometimes, people sense that their relationship is faltering and, because they don’t want it to end, they push hard to keep it together. They try to talk more, visit each other more often, talk about the future but sometimes those things just don’t work. The challenge of being too far apart from each other can be overwhelming. Which, while sad, is okay.

There is nothing worse than wasting time in a relationship that doesn’t have a future. Unfortunately, many people hold on to them way past their expiration date, hoping to get things back to the way that they were at the beginning, when things were fun. As a result, precious time is lost that could be spent finding the right person. This doesn’t just happen in long distance relationships – nor in local ones too.

So, pay attention to your relationship status. If you are reading this article because yours is struggling, know that it is possible that it just isn’t meant to be. I am not saying to give up now, just to be aware that all of your efforts might be for naught in the end.

So, there you go, 7 things to do if you want your relationship to succeed.

Good for you for learning as much as you can about how to make a long distance relationship work. If you are doing this as you get into one and do not yet have any issues, well done. Learning the best practices to make it work is the best thing that you can do. That being said, if you are here because you have issues, have faith! Information and awareness is key to the success of any relationship, near or far.

You can do this!

7 Ways to Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

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7 Ways to Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

One of the most important part of any relationship, and the one most often neglected, is communication.

And its not just in romantic relationships. Communication is important with people we work with, our extended family, the person making our coffee. Without communication, people are left frustrated and feeling helpless.

Understanding ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage is an essential component in keeping your marriage strong and loving.

#1 – Make talking a priority.

As marriage goes on, sitting down with your partner and really talking can fall to the wayside. Sure, we talk on the fly, maybe as we run out the door or get ready for bed or over the kids’ heads at dinner. But sitting down, looking at each other eye to eye, the way we used to, is something that often falls by the wayside. And it shouldn’t.

I remember one of the best summers in the middle of my marriage was the summer that my husband and I had a drink together every night after work. Usually, we would come home and we would hit the road running with dinner and homework. Or he would head out for a run and I would make dinner. Or whatever. We never just sat down and caught up.

That summer, we unwittingly took up the habit of having a glass of rum before we dug into the after-work phase. And it was wonderful.

We talked about work and the kids and politics and whatever. It wasn’t “meaningful” stuff that we talked about – but it was meaningful in that we were sitting there, focused on each other. It was like it used to be when we were first dating. We were really getting to know each other again.

So make an effort to really talk to each other – not on the fly, while multi tasking.

#2 – Don’t not say what you need to say.

So many people think that the best thing that they can do to keep their marriage strong is to swallow their words. To not say what they need to say. To not share how they are feeling.

For many of us, we learned this from our parents – that not expressing our feelings is the key to keeping drama in the household to a minimum. Our parents worked hard to do so so it is all that we know.  (And, I am guessing, many of our parents are now divorced.)

But, it is important that we don’t do this. That we don’t swallow our words and stuff our emotions down into our body. That, instead of working hard to avoid drama, we recognize that we have something to say and that we say it.

Do you find that you hold back your words so as not to make a fuss? Are you afraid that if you speak up, your words will be met with anger or frustration? Do you think that if you just let something go, it would be better?

If the answer to any of those questions are yes, I would encourage you to try something different in an effort to keep your marriage strong.

#3 – Express your emotions.

I can’t tell you how many times I ask a client if they tell their spouse they love them they respond “I don’t need to tell them, they already know.” And I always tell them that they are categorically wrong.

Because marriages are long, we tend to start taking our spouse for granted. After all, they are there always and you are a team and who has time for mushy stuff and sometimes we just don’t feel it, for whatever reason.

But, it’s important to tell your spouse that you love them. That they are beautiful. That you appreciate all that they do for you. Whatever it is that you are feeling in the moment.

Of course, you can also express anger if you are feeling it. The key is doing so in a way that is productive not destructive. To share how you are feeling without attacking them.

How do you do expressing your emotions? If you feel like you haven’t been telling your spouse how you feel about them enough, stand up and do so now. You would make them feel great! Wouldn’t you like it if they did the same to you?

#4 – Never tell a lie, even a white one.

This is a tough one, I know.

After all, everyone tells little white lies. Lies that they think will keep someone from feeling pain. Lies about something that they don’t deem important enough to share. Lies that might protect us from being attacked. White lies that are coping systems which, unfortunately, are not great ones.

Knowing that you can trust your spouse 100% is the key to building emotional connection in your marriage. Knowing that, no matter what, you can trust your spouse to tell you the truth when necessary. Being firm in that knowledge gives a marriage a very strong foundation on which it can rest.

Any lie, even white ones, can erode that foundation. If you ever get caught in one, it will only serve to take a chink out of the concrete foundation of your marriage. After all, if you are going to lie about one thing, how can your spouse have faith that you won’t lie about something else.

So, I encourage my clients that one of the best ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage is to stop lying – even those pesky lies of omission where you don’t necessarily lie but you also aren’t 100% honest.

It might be hard to stop this behavior but if you can, you will be thankful that you did!

Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

#5 – Don’t talk badly about them to your friends.

This is an interesting one – the importance of not cutting down your partner behind their backs. This is something that many of us lose sight of in marriage, if it was even something that we recognized before.

After all, this is what we do. We use our friends to share our frustrations. To help us process what is going on. To give us advice about steps to take. For women especially, without our friends, what would we do?

And I get this. 100%. But there is a difference between looking for support and talking shit about our husbands.

I know that when I was married, I was the queen of speaking badly about my husband. I was very unhappy in the marriage and talking shit about him made me feel somewhat better. That being said, the person who I presented to my friends was not the person he always was – just the person he was when he was making me unhappy. As a result, my friends didn’t like him and definitely didn’t support me in my efforts to change things in my marriage.

When he ultimately left me, none of them were surprised. None of them expected our marriage to last because of everything that I had been saying for years. The only one who was blind sided by the end of the marriage was me.

#6 – Never attack them personally.

While I might have spoken badly about my husband, I never once attacked him personally.

While I would treat him with contempt or ignore him or yell at him, I never called him an asshole. I never said “fuck you.” I never denigrated who he was as a person. While I might have expressed my anger and frustration, I never attacked the person he was. Why? Because I knew that, no matter how much he drove me nuts, he was a good person. He wasn’t an asshole – he was just a frustrating partner.

The reason that it’s important to never attack someone personally is because, if you do, you can never take it back. Even if you and your spouse make up after whatever conflict you were going through, they will never forget your assault on their character. It will always linger at the back of their minds, wondering if that is what you really think of them. And that feeling can fester and manifest itself in many ways, none of them good for your marriage.

So, no matter how angry you get, don’t attack your spouse’s character. After all, this is the person you married, perhaps a parent to your children. Treat them as you would like to be treated and keep your marriage on track.

#7 – Talk about the future, and the past.

One of the funnest communication exercises for couples is to talk about the future, and about the past.

I have been with my husband for 8 years now and I still love to talk about how we met and fell in love. Talking about the things that we did and how much fun we had. It was a magical time and re-living it is really special. And it reminds us of the reasons that we fell in love, which is important during times when we aren’t feeling very connected.

We also, in spite of 8 years together, spend a lot of time talking about the future, about what we are going to do together, and separately. Its fun to do – even as we are in middle age – to talk about what is next for us. Its never too late to have dreams for the future – literally never – and talking about ours keeps us very connected.

Do you and your spouse ever talk about the beginning of your relationship? Do you guys talk about tomorrow, next week or next year? Try it – its a lot of fun!

So there you go – 7 excellent ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage.

I know, these things might seem overwhelming, especially if communication has not been a strength in your marriage. But you can do it.

At the very least, try to do just one of the things that I have listed, or stop doing one, whichever is appropriate. But try to make some sort of shift in the communication in your marriage and keep it healthy and strong.

7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

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7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

All relationships have a balance of control to some degree – the parent/child, the teacher/student, the boss/employee, etc. In those relationships, there is one primary and one secondary member of the relationship, as dictated by the situation. In a marriage, there is also a power dynamic at play and, ideally, that dynamic includes a balance of control that is even.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Of course, sometimes the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, like the mom is in charge of getting the little league uniforms but the dad is in charge of getting the kids to practice. And this is okay. What is not okay is when the power dynamic is off to the extent that one person is always in charge, with the other always being secondary.

Sadly, when we are in the middle of the chaos of a marriage, it can sometimes be hard to recognize if the power dynamic is off.

Let me share with you now the signs that the power dynamic in your marriage might be off so that you can figure out the next steps to take.

#1 – You let your partner make all the decisions.

This is the most common thing that shifts the power dynamic in a marriage – having one person be in charge of everything.

In some cases, the person with the control is the wife/mother. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to keep all of the balls in the air – school, work, sports, extended family, etc. Usually, the woman takes responsibility for planning and executing just because multi-tasking is a skill that many women have. So they take over and everything that happens is their call.

In some cases, its the man husband/father who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A woman might be accustomed to having a man in charge if that is the model she had growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In some cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband.

Whether its the husband or wife, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off.

#2 – You keep your head down to avoid drama.

Are you one of those people who never speaks up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have thoughts or opinions but not share them because you are afraid that you will be on the receiving end of some kind of negative reaction if you do? Would you rather just go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?

If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people, particularly men, in marriages just want to keep the peace and they swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is long and hard and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When they do, the idea of having to deal with them again can be just too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut and grin and bear it

And, while I can understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up for yourself out of fear of some kind of reprisal, big or small, is not, in the long run healthy.

Over time, not speaking up for yourself in your relationship will only cause resentment on your part and, perhaps, a sense of contempt from your spouse. You can be sure that, if you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and, over time, they might see this as a sign of weakness – something that can hard to respect in a marriage.

So, while I know that you want to avoid drama, I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, in spite of whatever the end result might be. For the sake of your own self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.

#3 – You spend more time with their extended family than yours.

This is always an interesting one – that people spend more time with one extended family than they do the other.

Of course, this could be a convenience thing. Perhaps your family lives closer or the kids are the same age or your schedules align. And that makes sense. But, what if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason that you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours.

In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists that more time is spent with their extended family than the other. I know that when I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than with my dad’s. I am guessing part of that was because my dad wasn’t really attached to seeing his family but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted that we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent my my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way more than my dad’s.

I know now that, in order to keep the peace (see #2) my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control in this instance. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.

#4 – You only have sex with them because they want to.

This is a big one that happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off – one spouse only has sex with the other not because they want to but because they know that their spouse does.

I have seen this from both sides of the equation. Women who have little or no interest in having sex and yet who have sex with their husbands every week because they know that their husband expects it. Its easier to do so then to deal with any crabbiness or whatever that might arise.

It can happen with husbands too – they just don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. The man, because his wife brings it up all the time, ultimately gives in to make her happy but doesn’t do it because he is interested.

In both of these cases, when married couples have sex for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is definitely off and this is something that should be addressed.

power dynamic is off in your marriage

#5 – Your kids only listen to you.

I know that when I was married, I was the one my kids always came to when they needed something. Whether it was a cookie or a ride to town or help on homework or help processing an issue, they always came to me. I was the one they could count on to react in a way that was a positive – to mostly get what they wanted/needed with a minimum of fuss. They did go to their father but, because he was often absent and sometimes crabby, they tended to bypass him.

And I was fine with this. If they came to me I could be in control of the outcome and knew that the kids wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad reaction from their father.

And, while this worked for us for a while, in the long term, it only caused anger and resentment on both sides.

For me, I didn’t want to be the one my kids always turned to – it was exhausting. And my husband resented that I was their first choice – which, sadly, led to the kids going to him even less. This mutual resentment built up over time until it was huge factor in the end of our marriage.

#6 – You have to hide things from your spouse.

I just rewatched “Crazy Rich Asians” (fun movie if you haven’t seen it). In the movie, the wife has family money and she is used to nice things. Because she wants those nice things, things that her husband can not afford, she has to hide the things that she buys because she knows that he would be resentful of her and the fact that she has to do so. Ultimately, he cheated on her to make himself feel more like a man and she left.

Hiding things in any marriage can be toxic. Whether its hiding spending or activities or friendships from your partner, hiding anything indicates that there is an off-balance power dynamic. In a marriage with a healthy power dynamic, both spouse would feel safe sharing everything. They would know that their partner would understand their actions and that, if they didn’t, there could be a conversation about it.

If a spouse has any kind of fear that their habits or actions would not be well received, enough so that they have to hide it, this is an indication that the balance of power is off, something that will only lead to a lack of trust and accountability in the long run.

#7 – You have to account for every little thing.

If you are in a marriage where you have to account for every little things that you do, your power dynamic is definitely off.

Perhaps you have to account for where you spend your time. Perhaps you have to account for who you spend your time with. Perhaps you have to account for every penny you spend. Perhaps you have to account for why you have gained or lost weight. Anything and everything.

And this is not okay. Of course, everyone has some accountability to their spouse. We want to share in their lives and want to be able to trust them. Therefore, being open and honest is an important part of healthy relationships.

BUT – if one person insists on knowing every detail of their spouse’s life, this is not okay. When someone asks their partner to account for every little thing, there are most likely serious trust issues involved. Perhaps its because of something that has happened in the past, either in this relationship or in another. Perhaps its because someone feels the need to control another person, for whatever reason. Or perhaps its because there is just an inherent lack of trust between both parties.

For whatever reason, if one person must always be accountable to the other for every little thing, this is a power dynamic that is uneven and something that needs to be addressed.

It can be very hard to recognize the warning signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage.

Power dynamics can change very slowly, over the course of a marriage, so slowly that one (or both) spouses don’t even realize that it is happening. All that they know is that they aren’t happy but they aren’t clear on the reason.

For any relationship to be a happy one there must, more often than not, be an equal power dynamic. This equal power dynamic will ensure that the love, trust and respect that is important in every relationship stays intact and the marriage remains healthy.

So check and see how your marriage stacks up to my list. If the power dynamic is off, in either direction, it’s time to take next steps, to figure out how to fix it before its too late!

You can do it!

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