4 Steps to An Effective Apology to Your Partner After Infidelity

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I know that it might seem hard to imagine that there is anything that you could do to ease the pain that your partner is feeling after discovering your infidelity. And I get that – words just don’t seem like they would be enough. Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals in a relationship, and one of the hardest things to get over

What I can tell you is that an apology is an excellent starting point to healing a relationship that has been torn apart because one partner cheated. It won’t undo the damage, but its a critical first step toward healing.

Knowing how to do an effective apology is the key to its success.

4-Step Process to Apologize After Infidelity and Rebuild Trust

4-Step Process to Apologize After Infidelity and Rebuild Trust

Five Steps to Deepen Your Apology After Infidelity

#1 – Take Full Responsibility for Your Actions

I know that this might seem obvious, but the first and most important step to apologizing after infidelity is to take complete responsibility for what happened. This goes beyond simply admitting the affair – it’s about fully accepting the consequences of your actions and showing your commitment to rebuilding trust through consistent, meaningful actions, not just words. [2]

“Taking full responsibility for an affair is not the same as admitting to having an affair. Admitting wrongdoing is only a first step.”
– Guy Winch Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist [2]

This can be much harder than one would think. After all, it can be hard to admit to someone else, or even oneself, the devastating impact that their behavior had on another person.

In relationship psychology, defensiveness that can destroy a relationship. The antidote? Owning your actions without excuses or justifications. [4]

Avoid Excuses or Shifting Blame

No matter the challenges you were facing, they don’t justify infidelity. [2][6] Don’t blame external factors or personal insecurities for your choices. It is up to you to address relationship issues constructively, not through betrayal. It’s also not okay to blame your partner in any way. While, yes, you might have found their behavior frustrating, that doesn’t give you the right to blow up their life with your cheating.

I had a client whose partner refused to take any responsibility for his cheating. He felt like she had abandoned him emotionally and physically and that if she had just been willing to take care of his needs, he wouldn’t have strayed.

Whatever….

When speaking to your partner, be direct and clear. A statement like, “I take full responsibility for my decision to cheat. It was entirely my fault,” can go a long way in showing accountability.

Be Honest About What Happened

Rebuilding trust requires complete honesty. Your partner deserves to know the truth – without omissions or sugarcoating. [1] Answer their questions openly, even if it’s uncomfortable or painful, so they can fully understand what happened.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, take the tactic where details are revealed gradually over time. Don’t kid yourself that not letting your partner know everything right away is the right thing to do, that it will hurt them less. This approach might make things easier for you but only deepens mistrust and makes healing even harder. [6] Put everything out on the table from the start, even if it feels overwhelming.

Transparency also means providing details where necessary. Your partner most likely has a lot of questions they want answered so step up and let them know all the nitty, gritty about the affair, whatever it is they want to know! [8][5] This isn’t about invading privacy; it’s about showing you have nothing to hide and are committed to restoring safety in the relationship.

“Transparency and telling the full truth no matter what will build trust.”
– Lori Wilder Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD [8]

Finally, ending all contact with the person involved in the affair is non-negotiable. Block their number, delete social media connections, and take any other necessary steps to demonstrate that your focus is fully on repairing your primary relationship. [2] By being transparent and decisive, you show your partner that their healing is your priority and doing so will also help you accept that the affair is well and truly over!

#2 – Recognize and Validate Your Partner’s Pain

Once accountability is established, the next essential step is recognizing and validating your partner’s pain. They are most likely struggling in a big way and for you to try to pretend that the situation isn’t a big deal, or that your partner is making a mountain out of a molehill, won’t help you move forward.

Infidelity leaves a deep wound, often sparking emotions so intense they can resemble symptoms of PTSD – feelings like anger, sadness, and humiliation are common.[4]

“In some ways finding out about infidelity feels like learning about the death of a loved one. You are in shock. And you are grieving the loss of the dream you treasured of a loving marriage to a faithful partner.”
– Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Author[3]

Validation is about acknowledging that your partner’s pain is both real and justified. By responding with empathy and compassion, you begin to lay the foundation for rebuilding trust.[4]

Listen Without Interrupting

Your partner needs the space to share their pain and emotions fully, and your job is to listen without jumping in to defend yourself. Avoid interrupting, correcting their account, or justifying your actions. Active listening means being present and showing genuine empathy – this demonstrates your commitment to understanding their experience.[11]

And, if your partner feels like you are truly hearing what they are saying, they will be way more likely to accept your apology and perhaps move forward. If they feel like you are just going through the motions, your apology will fail.[10]

If emotions run high and you feel too overwhelmed to listen effectively, it’s okay to pause the conversation. Let your partner know you need a moment to collect yourself, but be clear about when you’ll continue. For example, you might say, “I want to hear everything you need to say, but I need a few minutes to calm down so I can listen properly.” Setting a specific time to resume shows you’re not avoiding the discussion.[9].

Acknowledge the Hurt You Caused

Show your partner you understand their perspective by using language that validates their feelings and the impact of your actions. For example, you might say, “I totally understand why you are feeling this way. If I were in your position, I would be devastated.”[3][13]

“Trust grows as you express compassion and empathy for one another’s feelings, and this foundation is essential when you experience betrayal.”
– The Gottman Institute[4]

When your partner expresses difficult emotions, let them you know that you see hear them. For instance, say, “I can see that you’re feeling humiliated and betrayed.” This can help ease their distress. If you see that your partner is struggling to express their feelings, you can also use open-ended questions like, “What emotions are you experiencing right now?” to encourage them to share more deeply.[5]

#3 – Deliver a Clear and Heartfelt Apology

Once you’ve taken the time to truly listen and validate your partner’s feelings, the next step is offering a clear and heartfelt apology. This isn’t the time for vague statements like, “I’m sorry for whatever I did” or “I apologize for what happened.” Phrases like these are weak and ineffective and will most likely make your partner feel like you really don’t care about the hurt that you caused.

A meaningful, effective apology requires you to take full responsibility for your actions and the damage they caused. Owning your mistakes and offering tangible steps to make amends is far more impactful than simply asking for forgiveness. [14] Your partner needs to hear that you understand what you did, why it was wrong, and how it hurt them – not just that you’re uncomfortable with the situation and want it all to go away.

Be Specific About What You’re Apologizing For

It’s important speak to the specifics of the harm you caused. For example, instead of a general “I’m sorry,” say “I am sorry for the affair with [Name].” Psychiatrist Scott Haltzman emphasizes the importance of addressing the full scope of the harm:

“You are apologizing for much more than ‘having an affair.’ There is a lot more that you have done… things like causing embarrassment to the family, giving up family time, or even bringing home STDs. Your partner wants you to take responsibility for all of it.” [15]

One of my clients knew that her husband really needed to know that she understood what she did to him. She realized that acknowledging that her betrayal had left him feeling like he needed to be constantly on guard was what he needed to hear. When she said the words, “I made a mistake,” instead of deflecting accountability, she could feel some of the anger leaving his body.

I do recommend preparing your apology in advance as it can help you organize your thoughts and ensure you address every aspect of the harm caused, reducing the chance of becoming defensive during the conversation.

Show Genuine Regret

True remorse centers on your partner’s pain, not your own discomfort or guilt. Apologies that focus on self-comfort rather than empathy will come across as insincere, and your partner will notice.

“To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person’s experience.”
– Dr. Ronald Siegel, Assistant Professor of Psychology, Harvard Medical School [12]

Express your regret clearly and avoid undermining your apology with excuses or justifications. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you feel hurt,” use a statement like, “I’m sorry for the pain my lies about the affair caused you.” If you feel the need to explain your actions, frame it as context, not a defense. For example, “I was seeking validation, but that does not excuse my behavior.” Finally, ask your partner directly, “What do you need from me right now to feel even a little bit safer?”

#4 – Demonstrate Your Commitment Through Actions

After offering a heartfelt apology that recognizes the hurt caused, the next step is to back up your words with consistent actions. And this is key! You know the phrase “Actions speak louder than words.” It is expressly applicable to this situation!

Trust isn’t rebuilt with promises alone – it requires visible effort. As Dr. John Gottman explains, “Restoring trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [3] This means showing your commitment through transparency, accountability, and follow-through. Continue to answer questions as they arise. Make sure that you are accountable for any actions or behaviors. Work hard to let your partner know that you want to make amends.

Any lapse in these areas can deepen the wound, so consistency is key. Actions, more than words, affirm the sincerity of your apology.

Be Transparent and Take Responsibility

Transparency means opening up your life without hesitation or defensiveness. Share access to things like passwords, financial records, and your daily schedule to show you have nothing to hide. Keep your partner in the loop about your whereabouts and any changes to your plans. This level of openness helps rebuild reliability. If your work or life involves interactions with the person you had the affair with, discuss boundaries with your partner and agree on how to handle those situations. It’s also essential to take full responsibility for your actions, regardless of any issues that may have existed in the relationship before. Owning your role is a critical step toward reestablishing an emotional connection.

Seek Professional Support

Seeking professional help is another excellent way to show your commitment to repairing the relationship. As Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, notes, “Recovering from an affair always takes the expertise of a trained therapist and a willingness to express hurt feelings in a safe setting that can facilitate healing.” [3] A relationship coach (LIKE ME!) can provide a neutral environment for difficult conversations, helping you and your partner navigate the emotional aftermath without escalating conflicts. Professional guidance also allows you to explore the deeper reasons behind your actions and learn healthier ways to communicate and give you tools to create lasting, positive change.

What Definitely Not To Do When Apologizing

It’s very important that your apology helps rebuild trust instead of causing further harm. Even the most genuine apologies can miss the mark if certain missteps are made. So work hard to avoid these mistakes at all costs if you want to save your relationship.

Avoid Vague or Empty Apologies

Statements like “I’m sorry for everything” or “I apologize for what happened” can come across as hollow and insincere. They often suggest an inability to fully acknowledge the specifics of your actions. Clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas explains:

“If there is gaslighting and blaming of the injured partner for what happened, that is a strong warning sign. It’s never your ‘fault’ if your partner has cheated on you.”

A meaningful apology requires clarity and specificity. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry for hurting you,” try “I’m sorry for betraying your trust by having an affair and lying about my whereabouts, over and over.” This level of detail demonstrates that you understand the true impact of your actions.

Also, stay away from the word “but.” Pairing your apology with excuses – phrases like “I’m sorry, but…” dilute the sincerity of your words and can make your partner feel like you are deflecting blame onto them.

Don’t Push for Quick Forgiveness

Expecting your partner to forgive you quickly adds unnecessary pressure and can hinder the healing process. Recovering from infidelity is a gradual journey that requires patience. Triggers like flashbacks or heightened vigilance may continue to surface long after the initial incident. For one of my clients, even 20 years later her husband still struggles to accept that she had an affair. Michaela Thomas emphasizes:

“Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment, and it is important to remember that the phrase ‘forgive and forget’ doesn’t apply here, it is more about ‘forgive and let go’ to move forward.”

Show your commitment to the process without imposing deadlines. Let your partner know that you’re aware healing will take time and that you’re prepared to support them for as long as it takes. Do not expect them to “just get over it.” I know that you might like this to happen but it just won’t. It wouldn’t if the roles were reversed, I am guessing.

This patience and dedication are key to moving forward together.

Apologizing after infidelity is just the first step in a long journey toward healing.

Real progress comes from actions, not just words. As Dr. John Gottman puts it, “Trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [3] Rebuilding trust takes time, consistency, and a willingness to show, not just tell, your commitment to change.

Professionals talk of three key phases in recovery after infidelity: Atonement (taking full responsibility for the betrayal), Attunement (re-establishing emotional connection), and Attachment (rebuilding intimacy). [5][6] Each stage requires patience and effort from both partners. Research indicates that 60–75% of couples who engage in specialized therapy after infidelity manage to stay together and even report improved relationships.[7] This isn’t about returning to the way things were – it’s about creating something better, a “Marriage 2.0” built on stronger communication and deeper emotional intimacy. [6]

Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and effort. While the journey is challenging, a combination of honesty, empathy, and consistent actions can help repair the relationship and foster a stronger bond.

And remember, when the process feels stalled, professional help can provide valuable guidance. A trained relationship coach can offer personalized neutral mediation, practical tools for better communication, and insights into the root causes of the disconnection. [4][17]

How Technology Can Help, And Hurt, Romantic Relationships, According to Experts

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Technology is, in so many ways, shaping our lives. When it comes to relationships, its influence can be particularly profound.

While technology can help people stay close through texts, video calls, and social media, especially over long distances, it also creates challenges because it can get in the way of healthy relationship dynamics.

Understanding how technology can both help and hurt a relationship is key to making sure that it doesn’t affect you and your life and your happily ever after.

“By allowing technology to interfere with or interrupt conversations, activities, and time with romantic partners – even when unintentional or for brief moments – individuals may be sending implicit messages about what they value most, leading to conflict and negative outcomes.” [2]

How Can Technology Strengthen A Relationship?

#1 – Staying Connected Across Distance

I remember the days when long distance relationships were impossible to manage. Between long distance telephone rates and snail-mail, maintaining a emotional attachment was very difficult. Technology has become a lifeline for couples trying to stay emotionally connected, no matter where they are. In fact, 21% of partnered cell phone or internet users say online or text communication makes them feel closer to their significant other. [5] For younger couples aged 18 to 29, that number climbs to 41%. [5]

Its amazing how a quick “thinking of you” text during a busy day or a video call to wind down together helps bridge the physical gap and make us feel even closer to our significant other. Even at home, 25% of couples admit to texting each other within the same space, proving how digital communication is now a natural part of daily life.[5] These small but consistent gestures lay the groundwork for meaningful emotional exchanges.

#2 – Making It Easier to Share Feelings, Sometimes

I believe that in many situations, texting can become a go-to method for tackling emotional conversations. When feelings are intense, typing out thoughts gives people the chance to pause, reflect, and choose their words carefully – without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face discussion.

Texting also provides a safe environment for handling tough topics. Emojis, used over 10 billion times daily worldwide, add a layer of emotional nuance, acting as digital stand-ins for facial expressions and gestures. [7]

That being said, it is important to note that texting is not always a great way of discussing difficult topics. I know, from personal experience, that people do say things over text that they might not say face-to-face. Furthermore, texts can be misconstrued because the emotions that are attached to the words are difficult to discern. As a result, people might take things differently from the way they were intended. This is particularly the case with women who tend to analyze every word in a text that is sent to them. So, maybe use texting as a way to initiate a conversation might be a good idea but, if things starts to escalate, switch to a face-to-face conversation or a telephone call.

Research does show that 9% of partnered adults have resolved arguments digitally when in-person resolution felt too difficult. Among younger adults aged 18 to 29, that number jumps to 23%. [5] So, perhaps, using texting as a means of resolving difficulties is one tool in the toolbox that can help transform potentially challenging conversations into more manageable exchanges.

#3 – Building Bonds

Everyday digital habits can play a huge role in strengthening emotional ties. For instance, 48% of partnered social media users aged 18 to 29 say platforms like Instagram or TikTok are key to showing how much they care about their partner. [3] Social media users over 30 say the same thing about Facebook.

Whether it’s leaving a supportive comment, sharing a funny post, or simply checking in, these actions create a sense of ongoing contact that keeps couples emotionally connected even during hectic schedules. [8]

That being said, as much as being on social media can connect to people, so can NOT using social media affect a relationship. I have a client who would watch her partner post TikToks that were related to his work even as he didn’t return her text messages. That she knew what he was doing all the day didn’t help her feel safe as she felt like his work was more important to him than she was.

Sharing passwords, or locations, – something 67% of users do – can add another layer of trust and transparency. [5] Tools like shared calendars and synchronized schedules also help couples stay on the same page, making it easier to navigate life together.[5] These digital habits, while seemingly small, can collectively build a strong foundation for emotional intimacy.

Esther Perel on The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy | SXSW 2023

SXSW

How Does Technology Damage Relationships?

While technology has undoubtedly transformed the way we connect, it also poses challenges to emotional closeness in relationships. As I said above, using texting as the only means of communication about difficult issues or not using social media in a way that makes your partner feel safe can disrupt the delicate balance of intimacy and connection. It is important to understand how technology can damage even the healthiest of relationships.

#1 – Technoferencing and Phubbing

Technology can be both a bridge and a barrier for couples. And, of course, technology has come up with two names for things that can get in the way of a healthy relationship: technoferencing and phubbing. (Kind of silly words, no?)

Technoferencing refers to the interruptions in daily interactions caused by technology. [10] Phubbing, on the other hand, happens when one partner ignores the other in favor of their phone or device. [9]

I am sure that you have experienced one or both of these things more than once in your relationship. Perhaps you and your partner were having an important discussion and a friend reached out to him to talk about football. Your partner might have stopped paying attention to the conversation and focused on his friend’s text instead, leaving you feeling unimportant and abandoned.

I remember how one of my ex-boyfriends would always pick up his phone during ads while we were watching TV. He never turned to me to say what do you think or to hug me or to ask if I wanted a snack. Instead he always picked up his phone and scrolled. I found it incredibly insulting.

Studies show that these distractions are alarmingly common – 70% of women in committed relationships report that technology interferes with their interactions. [10] When a partner reaches for their phone during shared moments, it can diminish someone’s ability to recognize and respond empathetically to emotional needs [9].

Psychologist Brandon McDaniel explains:

“Many interruptions, even unintentional, send the message that the technology device is more important in that moment than one’s romantic partner.” [10]

For people with anxious attachment styles, this behavior can amplify fears of rejection and spark jealousy. [9] Feeling rejected, the neglected partner might also turn to their phone, creating a cycle of disconnection. Even the mere presence of a phone can chip away at trust and reduce feelings of empathy. [9]

#2 – Social Media Jealousy and Disagreements

Social media platforms often blur boundaries in relationships, leading to misunderstandings and tension. For example, 23% of partnered adults have reported feeling jealous or uncertain about their relationship due to their partner’s online interactions. [3] Additionally, over half (53%) of social media users admit to checking up on an ex-partner online. [3]

This, I always tell my clients, is something that it’s important to recognize right away in a relationship. After all, when those boundaries do get blurred because of social media, a healthy relationship can be difficult. Remember, someone’s social media presence doesn’t necessarily represent the truth of their life. What it is is a representation of the best part of their life. So, if someone’s partner posts something that feels like a half truth, or doesn’t involve an accurate representation of their relationship, they can feel deceived and disrespected.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok can further strain relationships, just like they do productivity. Research shows that excessive use of Instagram often leads to lower relationship satisfaction and more frequent arguments because users often get so involved by what they’re seeing on their screen that they damage any connection they might have with their partner in the moment. They also might overuse the apps which, like any other addiction, can be devastating to any kind of relationship. [12] As Skye Bouffard noted:

“The sequential effects of reduced relationship satisfaction and increased conflicts then triggered addictive use of Instagram.” [12]

Interestingly, the cultural context also plays a role. In Western cultures, phubbing tends to result in direct conflicts, while in Eastern cultures, it’s more closely tied to lower marital satisfaction and heightened jealousy. [9] These patterns reveal how technology can gradually erode trust and intimacy.

#3- Online Betrayal and Broken Trust

Technology has introduced new ways for trust to be compromised in relationships. Emotional cheating, for instance, involves forming a deep emotional bond with someone outside the relationship and sharing thoughts or feelings that should be reserved for one’s partner. Even seemingly minor actions, like secretly checking an ex’s social media or flirting online, can breach trust. [13] Clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Carr explains:

“Emotional cheating involves a level of secrecy, emotional intimacy, or reliance on someone that should typically be reserved for one’s partner.” [13]

Digital snooping is another behavior that undermines trust. Research shows that women engage in this behavior more often than men – 42% compared to 25%. [3] Among younger adults, 52% admit to such actions.[3] I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me the first time because of something that they have discovered on their partners phone. They know they shouldn’t have been snooping, but they couldn’t help themselves.

Again, media addiction can also play a significant role in these dynamics. Research shows a strong link between media addiction and phubbing which can create a feedback loop where technology not only causes but also intensifies insecurities in relationships. [9]

How Can You Effectively Use Technology to Keep Your Relationship Healthy?

Technology has its challenges, but when used thoughtfully, it can actually bring couples closer. The secret lies in setting clear boundaries and using digital tools to enhance your connection – never to replace it.

#1 – Setting Limits on Device Use

Creating device-free zones is one way to protect quality time. Studies reveal that technoference happens on about 21.5% of days, disrupting moments that couples need to connect. [11] To counter this, designate phone-free areas like the dining table, bedroom, or during date nights. You can also keep chargers in shared spaces to discourage private scrolling. [14][15][17]

In a 14-day study, over half of participants (56.1%) reported phone interruptions on at least two or three days, and those moments often led to feelings of sadness, boredom, or even anger for 62% of them. [11][1] Researcher McDaniel found that even brief interruptions from technology can send the wrong message – making your partner feel like they’re not your top priority. [2] By setting these limits, you create space for more meaningful conversations and connection.

#2 – Communicating Thoughtfully

Technology can actually strengthen your bond when used with intention. While sometimes it might be good idea to use texting for sensitive topics, stick to face-to-face conversations or phone calls to avoid misunderstandings. [15][16] On the flip side, small digital gestures – like sending a sweet text, a voice note, or even a funny meme – can show your partner you’re thinking of them throughout the day. These little moments of connection help balance out the distractions that devices can bring.

If you do need to use your phone while spending time together, involve your partner. Show them what you’re doing or explain why it’s important. Research suggests that when you include your partner in your phone activities, it helps reduce feelings of being left out and keeps the connection intact. [1] And here’s a simple rule: in-person conversations always come first. If your partner wants to talk face-to-face, set your phone aside immediately. [15][16] You can even turn on airplane mode during special moments – it’s a small gesture that shows your partner they matter more than any notification.

#3- Repairing Trust When Technology is Making Things Worse

When technology causes tension or trust is broken, rebuilding that trust is crucial. Start with an open conversation to define what trust means for both of you and to agree on digital boundaries moving forward. [18] Being honest about your mistakes, taking responsibility, and expressing genuine remorse can go a long way towards rebuilding that trust. [18]

If phone use has become a problem in your relationship, consider making phone use a part of regular weekly relationship check-ins. Share what’s working, where there are challenges, and any concerns about how your phones might be affecting your relationship. [19] It’s important to express your feelings without shaming or blame, like saying “I’d really appreciate some uninterrupted time together,” instead of “You’re always on your phone.” This way, your partner won’t feel attacked and might be more willing to work together to make sure that technology isn’t damaging the relationship.

Technology can either bring couples closer or create distance – it all depends on how it’s used.

Research highlights this dual impact: 21% of people in committed relationships feel more connected to their partner through digital interactions yet 51% admit their partner gets distracted by their phone during conversations. [5][3] The key to tipping the scale in favor of connection lies in being intentional and aware of your tech habits.

Simple gestures like sending a thoughtful text can strengthen your bond, while behaviors like phubbing or technoference can slowly undermine relationship satisfaction. Psychotherapist Amy Morin explains it well:

“One or two bad habits with technology could damage your bond. While issues like jealousy and communication problems certainly pre-date smartphones and social media, technology has allowed them to grow bigger” [4].

Remember, the power to shape your relationship in the digital age is in your hands – literally.

As technology continues to evolve, the core elements of a strong relationship remain unchanged: undivided attention, genuine presence, and making your partner feel valued. By setting aside distractions and focusing on meaningful connection, you can ensure your relationship thrives – even in a world filled with screens.

5 Ways to Process The Pain When Your Married Man Betrays You…Again

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, your married man has let you down again. Maybe he has made promises that he hasn’t kept or not been there when you needed him or maybe even decided to walk away from you. And I am guessing that you are feeling a pain that is worse than anything that you have ever felt before. (Or at least since the last time he did this to you)

I am so so sorry. I have been there and I know that it HURTS!

Being betrayed by a man who says that he loves you can make you feel like your world has been turned upside down, leaving you with intense emotions and a shaken sense of trust. Even if you know that letting him go might be the best thing that you can do for yourself, the emotional pain that you are feeling is real and can have lasting effects on your mental and physical health. But healing is possible.

Here are some steps that you can take to get you on the path to letting go of the pain and move on.

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

Healing from Betrayal Trauma (Science-Based)

#1 – Accept What Happened

The first step in healing from your married man’s betrayal is acknowledging the reality of what has occurred – even when it hurts. Denial might feel easier in the moment, but it only delays the healing process. Research highlights that avoidance strategies often make recovery more difficult. [6] Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened or forgive right away – it simply means recognizing the impact the betrayal has had on your life.

“Accepting these feelings is the first step to recovery.”
– School of Modern Psychology [4]

I know that it might seem scary, but acknowledging your emotions fully is what sets you up for deeper healing.

Betrayal often stirs up a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, shock, fear, or even shame. [5] Instead of suppressing these feelings, it’s important to allow yourself to experience them. Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, puts it succinctly: “Face it, feel it, heal it.” [6] By naming what you’re feeling – whether it’s rage, grief, or insecurity – you can take away some of their power by fully feeling those feelings.[5] This acknowledgment becomes the first step toward practical healing.

While feeling your feelings is important, it is important that you not feel these feelings every minute of every day. We often get, oddly, addicted to feeling the pain of the betrayal. We feed that pain by talking to our friends or desperately looking on TikTok for other people who have been betrayed. All of those things are good, in the beginning, but focusing on it will only keep you from healing. Look for positive things as well – things about living happily ever after!

So, feel those feelings, and then let them go!

#2 – Write Down Your Feelings

When emotions feel overwhelming, writing them down can bring a sense of relief you might not expect. There is something incredibly powerful about getting thoughts that have been swirling around in your head out of there and onto paper where you might be able to make sense of them.

Writing things down also offers a safe space to pour out raw emotions without fear of judgment. In fact, research shows that just four days of expressive writing can improve happiness for months and even reduce doctor visits. [9]

“Journaling can help validate and process your emotions, offering clarity and a sense of relief. It’s an effective way to manage negative thoughts and gain insight into your mental health.”
– Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center[7]

By acknowledging your feelings and exploring them on paper, you can begin to make sense of your inner experience. This isn’t about perfect grammar or structure – just set aside 15–20 minutes and let everything flow. Write about the anger, confusion, hurt, or even physical symptoms like tension or trouble sleeping. Seeing these connections on paper can help you grasp how deeply the betrayal has impacted you.

If you’re not sure where to start, try prompts like: “What am I feeling right now?” or “What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?” Asking “what” instead of “why” keeps your focus forward, steering you away from getting stuck in endless rumination. You could also use writing as a way to picture your future self – what does life look like after healing? Who do you want to become?

For a symbolic release, consider writing down the most painful details of your experience, then destroy the paper – burn it, flush it, or toss it into the ocean. This physical act can feel like taking control and letting go of the trauma’s grip.

Writing down your emotions doesn’t just help you process the pain – it sets the stage for protecting and nurturing yourself as you continue to heal.

#3 – Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises

Mindfulness and deep breathing can ground you in the present moment, especially when betrayal stirs up that overwhelming fight-or-flight response. While these practices won’t erase the pain, they can help you acknowledge your emotions without letting them take over. A study in the journal Mindfulness surveyed 94 adults who had experienced infidelity and found that those with stronger mindfulness skills were more likely to forgive and less likely to seek revenge. [10]

“Those with strong self-compassion skills tend to embrace their turmoil without over-identifying with it.” – Researchers, Mindfulness Journal [10]

I know that idea of mindfulness is overwhelming and perplexing but, if you start small, you too can take advantage of its benefits.

Start with a 10-minute deep breathing practice. Find a quiet spot, sit comfortably, and take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth. [7] This simple exercise helps soothe your stress response and provides quick relief when emotions feel overwhelming. And when your thoughts inevitably drift back to the betrayal, don’t judge yourself – just gently bring your focus back to your breath. [7]

For moments of intense stress, try the exaggerated breath technique: inhale for three seconds, hold for two, and exhale for four .[11] Research has shown that just 15 minutes of focused breathing can significantly reduce emotional distress, even when faced with upsetting stimuli.[11] Did you know that, when we are stressed, we stop breathing. This is why its so difficult to think clearly or process our emotions because our brains are literally struggling to survive.

The goal here is to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Instead of spiraling into questions like, “Why did this happen?” shift your focus to the present with questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need to feel secure?” [5] This approach keeps you anchored in the here and now, where true healing begins. By focusing on your breath and staying present with your emotions, you regain a sense of control over your recovery journey.

#4 – Take Care of Yourself

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt emotionally – it impacts your body too. Studies reveal that 70% of women dealing with betrayal by their married men experience PTSD symptoms. [12] This kind of trauma often shows up physically, leading to headaches, fatigue, insomnia, and even digestive issues. Moving your body isn’t just about staying fit; it’s a way to release the trauma stored deep in your tissues and nervous system.

The key is finding the right type of movement for what you’re feeling. If you’re grappling with anger or rage, high-intensity activities like boxing or running can help channel those intense emotions. On the other hand, if anxiety has you feeling on edge, gentler options like walking, stretching, or yoga can calm your system and help you feel safe again. Licensed therapist Rebecca Capps highlights this balance:

“Self-care after betrayal can include eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy” [2]

Somatic practices can also help you reconnect with your body. Techniques like “butterfly tapping” (crossing your arms and rhythmically tapping your shoulders) or focusing on the sensation of your feet as you walk are simple yet powerful tools. These practices help regulate an overactive nervous system and create a deeper sense of grounding and self-awareness.

Incorporating regular physical activity into your life reinforces your recovery. Building a routine – even just 20 minutes a day – can help restore a sense of control. Each day will be a small but meaningful step toward rebuilding trust in yourself. Each time you show up for your body, you’re proving to yourself that you’re capable of moving forward.

#5 – Create Boundaries to Protect Yourself

After being betrayed by your married man. it’s important to safeguard your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries – both with the person who hurt you and with yourself. This is one of the reasons that it’s important to go NO CONTACT, to not communicate with him in any way shape or form. Dr. Bruce Y. Lee describes it well:

“Allowing the betrayer to influence your post-betrayal processing can be like inviting the defense attorney into a jury’s deliberations” [1]

NO CONTACT extends to social media use. It is very important that you unfriend or unfollow your person and do everything that you can do to not stalk them. See what they are doing or saying will only set you back with your healing. (And remember – what people post on social media are the things that they want people to see, not the truth about how they may be feeling.)

Personal boundaries are just as important. Make sure that your married man knows that they too must go NO CONTACT as well. No reaching out to wish you a happy birthday or to tell you how much they miss you or, even worse, that they are going to leave their wives (which they won’t). It is important that they know that you need this for your mental health – and that it’s time they stop putting their own needs first!

Boundaries are powerful tools for reclaiming control over your life. But remember, healing happens on your terms and timeline. As the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center explains:

“Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional space, allowing you to rebuild trust on your terms” [7].

I know that you want the pain that you are feeling to go away right now.

And I wish that I could make that happen for you. Unfortunately, recovering from betrayal isn’t a straight path – it’s a cycle.

These five strategies – acceptance, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, and setting boundaries – work together to help you regain control of your life. Each step plays a role in moving you forward, even if progress feels slow at times.

Above all, treat yourself with kindness. As Dr. Margaret Paul emphasizes, gentle self-compassion is essential for letting go of emotions like anger and heartbreak that can otherwise remain stuck and even impact your physical health. [8] Without this kindness, it’s hard to truly move on after a breakup.

It’s also important to remember that betrayal leaves its mark on both your mind and body. [3] Rebuilding trust – whether with others or yourself – requires patience and at the same time consistent effort. [3] [1] There’s no universal timeline for healing, so give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Rushing the process often does more harm than good.

Healing from betrayal is within reach, but it starts with small, intentional steps. Focus on what you can control today – whether it’s practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, or simply showing yourself the compassion you deserve. Every step forward matters.

Remember, if you need someone to help you on this journey, reach out. I can offer you an obligation free session that could really make a difference! You can get through this and you will!

The Ultimate Guide to Conflict Resolution for Long-Distance Couples

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It has been years since I was in a long-distance relationship but I remember that being in one it was really hard. Granted, he was in Australia and I was in New York but when it comes to managing conflict in a long-distance relationship, distance shouldn’t really matter.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, resolving conflicts can feel harder than usual. Miscommunication, mismatched schedules, jealousy, and unmet expectations create unique challenges that can strain your connection. Without physical presence, every disagreement relies solely on effective communication, which makes resolving issues even more critical.

Here’s the good news: conflicts don’t have to weaken your relationship. Instead, they can strengthen trust, deepen emotional intimacy, and improve your communication skills. The key lies in approaching disagreements as a team, addressing issues head-on and working together to do what needs to be done to keep the relationship strong.

Let’s take a look at tools to manage conflict as well as steps that you can take that will help prevent issues in the first place and help you rebuild trust when conflict is resolved.

 

 

#1 – Approach Conflicts as a Team.

Seeing your partner as the enemy is a losing game. Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger emphasizes that disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them together defines your relationship. [6]

I can’t tell you how many of clients think that the best way to tell someone that they have let them down is not a productive one. They either go quiet or attack their partner for their behavior.  This will only make things worse!

Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, shift your mindset to finding solutions that work for both of you .[6] Think of yourselves as teammates facing a challenge together. For example, if your partner forgets to text during a hectic day and you find it upsetting, the issue isn’t about proving who’s more thoughtful – it’s about you being more explicit about your needs and him understanding how important texts are to you.

#2 – Learn to Manage Your Own Emotions.

Your body’s stress response can derail even the most well-intentioned conversation. When your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute during a disagreement, you enter a state called “flooding.” [8][2]

“It is virtually impossible for us to absorb what our partner is saying, and therefore to have a productive discussion [when the heart rate exceeds 100 bpm].” – John Gottman, Psychologist and Researcher [2]

When this happens, take a 20-minute break to reset. Research shows it takes about 20 minutes for your body to calm down after hitting that stress threshold .[2] If you feel overwhelmed, communicate it clearly: “I need a moment to calm down. Can we revisit this in an hour?” This isn’t avoidance – it’s damage control.

Simple actions like deep breathing or squeezing a stress ball can help you regain your composure.[7] Take a walk or a bath. DON’T call a friend to complain about your person – this will only keep that heart rate elevated.

Try these techniques to engage your senses and send calming signals to your nervous system, which will allow you to get grounded once again. Once calm, you’ll be better equipped to express yourself clearly and listen effectively.

#3 – Don’t Text! Facetime!

For serious discussions, video calls are essential. Unlike text messages, video calls let you pick up on nonverbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, which are crucial for understanding and trust. A simple text like “I’m fine” can be wildly ambiguous – are they content or upset? And, unfortunately, women are apt to dissect every word in a text, looking for hidden meanings, things that men don’t tend to use. Video calls eliminate that guessing game by providing context. [2][3]

When you are looking at your partner’s face, and they are looking at yours, “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, say, “When you don’t text back as we agreed, I feel disconnected.” [2][3] This approach focuses on your emotions rather than blaming your partner, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness.

Practice active listening to ensure clarity. Paraphrase your partner’s words to confirm you’ve understood them. Try saying, “So what I hear you saying is… is that right?” [2] This technique not only shows respect but also prevents miscommunication, ensuring you are addressing the real issue rather than a misinterpreted one.

#4 – Address Behaviors, Not Character Flaws, To Identify The Root of The Conflict.

If you’re tempted to think “They’re so inconsiderate,” pause and dig deeper. What unmet need is driving your frustration? That argument about texting frequency might actually reflect a desire for security or reassurance. [7][2] By identifying the root issue, you can stop blaming each other and start working as a team to resolve it. Working together lays the groundwork for managing emotions constructively and keeping your relationship a happy one.

#5 – Work Together on Conflict Resolution and The Reconnection.

With emotions under control and the right communication channel in place, focus on working together rather than against each other. Shift your mindset from competition to collaboration [6] and dig deeper to identify the root of the issue. What seems like a small trigger – like a late reply to a text – might actually reflect deeper concerns, such as feeling neglected.[2] Ask questions like, “What’s really going on here?” to move past surface-level disagreements.

Acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings. Licensed marriage and family therapist Randy Brazzel emphasizes:

“Everyone wins when there is an atmosphere of mutual respect.” [16]

Work on solutions together. If a clear compromise doesn’t emerge right away, try a temporary solution for a couple of weeks and reassess its impact. [2] Finally, small gestures – like saying, “I know we’re on the same team” – can go a long way in reaffirming your commitment and rebuilding emotional connection.

5-Step Conflict Resolution Process for Long-Distance Couples

How to Prevent Conflicts in Long-Distance Relationships

The number one thing that I share with my clients who are in long distance relationships is the importance of understanding how to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place.

#1 – Set Clear Expectations from the Get Go.

At the beginning of the relationship, make sure you define the nature of your relationship – whether it’s casual, committed, or open. This ensures everyone is on the same page and avoids unpleasant surprises down the road. [10][11]

Next, agree on a communication routine that works for both of you. Maybe that means short daily calls or longer chats a few times a week. Also, set realistic expectations for response times, whether it’s during busy workdays or relaxed weekends. [10][11][9] If you know you’ll be unavailable, let your partner know in advance. This small step can prevent unnecessary worry and build trust without the need for constant check-ins. [12]

It’s also helpful to create a shared vision for the future, including a general timeline for when and where you’ll eventually live together. Research suggests that long-distance couples often report high satisfaction levels, partly because having a clear “finish line” makes the distance feel more manageable. [12][11]

Once expectations are set, you can focus on creating a strategy for handling conflicts when they arise.

#2 – Work As a Team to Define How to Speak to Each Other.

When both partners contribute to setting the ground rules, they are more likely to stick to them during heated moments. Licensed clinical professional counselor Jimmy G. Owen highlights that how you say something often matters more than what you’re saying. [13]

“The WAY a person says something always trumps WHAT they are saying. In other words, STYLE always trumps CONTENT.” – Jimmy G. Owen, LCPC, CDWF [13]

Set boundaries for behaviors that are off-limits during arguments. This might include banning yelling, name-calling, or sarcasm – Owen points out that sarcasm’s Greek origin literally translates to “tearing of the flesh.” [13]

#3 – Agree on When to Talk…and When Not To.

If a conversation gets too heated, either partner can call for a break. The key is to set a specific time to reconnect, like saying, “Let’s talk again at 8:00 PM.” This reassures the other person that the discussion isn’t being abandoned. [13][2] Also, avoid starting serious conversations late at night or after you have been drinking because both can derail any kind of productive dialogue. [2]

Before digging into sensitive topics, make sure that your partner is up for the conversation. I try to always tell my partner ahead of time that I want to have a chat and ask him when a good time to do so would be. This will allow you both to be open and willing to have a discussion when the time comes.

#4 – Stay Connected Before and After A Conflict Arises.

While setting expectations and rules helps, maintaining a strong connection before, during and after conflict is essential for long-term harmony.

Regular check-ins can stop resentment from building. Make sure you take the time to talk about how the relationship is going – outside of conflict resolution. These proactive conversations help address small concerns before they grow into larger issues. [14][10]

Keep things positive by actively appreciating your partner. Share what you admire about them often – not just during apologies after a fight. This habit creates a buffer of goodwill, making it easier to navigate tough times. [1].

Take time to really get to know each other. Ask about their current interests, childhood memories, or future goals. Interestingly, the physical distance in long-distance relationships often allows for deeper verbal communication than couples who live together. [1][15]

And while staying connected is important, don’t forget not to lose yourself in this relationship. Use the time apart to work on yourself, which can bring fresh energy into your life in general. [12][15]

How To Rebuild Trust After Major Conflicts

After resolving immediate conflicts, the next step is crucial: rebuilding trust and strengthening your connection. This involves addressing both the surface-level hurt and the deeper, underlying issues that may have contributed to the conflict.

#1 – Come To A Consensus About What Happened.

If you and your partner have been able to work together to resolve your conflict, its time to work together to move forward in a healthy way.

It’s important to first process lingering emotions. Both partners need to acknowledge what happened and commit to meaningful change. [17] Again, its important not to text but to Facetime to capture nonverbal cues that can be essential for understanding. [1][2]

#2 – Take Stock of What Needs to Be Different Going Forward.

The key to moving forward is having the tools to do so! Share ideas until you find solutions that work for both of you. [6] If the same issues keep coming up over and over, dig deeper to uncover the root causes. For instance, disagreements about missed calls might actually stem from unmet needs for security or respect. [5][4] Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger highlights the importance of fully resolving conflicts:

“The couple will want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in one or both of them” [6].

These focused conversations lay the groundwork for rebuilding emotional safety.

#3 – Re-establish Emotional Safety in the Relationship.

Trust isn’t rebuilt through words alone – it requires consistent, reliable actions. Start by practicing transparency, like sharing calendars to eliminate any sense of secrecy. [18][19] Even small, consistent gestures, such as texting at a specific time, can show reliability and care.

Establish regular check-ins to assess how things are going – on what’s working, what needs to improve, and what behaviors might need to stop. [6] Establish daily or weekly rituals, like morning or evening check-ins, to keep your emotional connection strong. [6]

Have fun really getting to know each other. Have regular conversations about each other’s hopes, dreams, and life experiences. [1] Gaining a better understanding of your partner’s inner world fosters emotional safety, making it easier to be open and vulnerable without fear of judgment.

#4 – Get Professional Support to Help You Move Past Conflict.

In some cases, professional guidance is essential. If trust has been severely broken – due to issues like financial dishonesty – or if conflicts seem impossible to resolve on your own, seeking help can make a big difference. [20][4] Relationship coaches (LIKE ME!) can give neutral advice and share strategies tailored to your unique challenges, including those in long-distance relationships. [17][4] An outsider’s perspective can make resolution and on-going peace not only possible but probable.

Conflict in long-relationships can be devastating and make it seem like happily-ever-after will be impossible.

However, know there is an upside to conflict in long-distance relationships as it can be a chance to strengthen trust and build resilience. When you approach disagreements as partners working together instead of as adversaries, you’re doing more than just solving problems – you’re proving that your bond can endure challenges. Psychologist Lisa McKay captures this idea well:

“Knowing the relationship can survive fighting makes fighting less threatening. And finding fighting less threatening means we tend to raise concerns earlier rather than allowing tension to build up” [2].

Each argument offers a window into your partner’s inner world – their values, fears, and priorities.  Every resolved conflict reinforces your shared strength and brings you closer together. The physical miles between you can become a reason to communicate more thoughtfully, understand each other more deeply, and love each other even more fiercely.

How to Trust Yourself Again After You Have Been Emotionally Abused

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Emotional abuse can leave you doubting your instincts, questioning your decisions, and feeling disconnected from your true self.

Emotional abusers often use calculated strategies to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. Over time, this can make it impossible for you to know truth vs. reality, what you are and are not capable of and how to make the right decision about next steps.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, but it requires patience, consistent effort, and actionable steps to heal.  Every small step forward strengthens your ability to trust yourself again.

Let me help you get started on your path to healing.

5 Steps to Rebuild Self-Trust After Emotional Abuse

#1 – Recognize the tactics and the damage.

Emotional abusers often use calculated tactics to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. These tactics are deliberate and aimed at gaining control over you. Recognizing what this abuse looks like and understanding how abusers operate is a crucial step in recognizing that the self-doubt you feel isn’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of manipulation.

One of the most harmful tactics is gaslighting. Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, PLLC, explains: “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings.” [7] An abuser might claim events didn’t happen the way you remember, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or insist you’re imagining things. This constant undermining creates confusion about what’s real and what isn’t.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes gaslighting as “an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their own sanity” [8].

Abusers may also criticize your decisions, question your skills, shift blame onto you, or threaten to leave when you assert yourself. Some even ignore your needs entirely or send harmful messages like, “You never do anything right.” Over time, these behaviors chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling insecure and overly dependent.

The damage isn’t confined to isolated moments. Repeated criticism and blame can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to trust your instincts and decisions. Over time, your body may even learn to expect rejection, further reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. Recognizing these tactics is key to separating the abuser’s influence from your own inner voice.

#2 – Purge the Abuser’s Voice from Inside Your Head

Once you understand how abuse distorts your perception, the next step is reclaiming your inner voice. A major challenge in recovery is realizing that the harsh, critical thoughts you hear may not even be yours – they’re often echoes of the abuser’s words, internalized over time. Repeated messages of inadequacy can feel like truth, blurring the line between your genuine thoughts and the narrative imposed on you.

In other words – those thoughts inside your head are most likely not yours!

I had a client who, when she came to me, only had her soon-to-be ex-husband’s voice in her head. He had destroyed her self-esteem and she was truly sure that she wasn’t capable of making any decisions or taking action. It left her a shell of herself and much in need of my help. She reached out to me because she just didn’t know who to turn to.

So, how do you get that voice out of your head?

Awareness is the first step. Knowing and understanding that that voice in your head might not be yours will help you push back on it when it arises.

Journaling can be a powerful way to untangle these voices. Write down your daily experiences, emotions, and questions to rebuild trust in your own perceptions. When your inner critic becomes overwhelming, use your journal to push back with affirmations like, “I used to believe that about myself, but I’m learning to be kinder to me,” or “It’s okay to take my time – this is a process.” With practice, you’ll start to distinguish your authentic voice from the one imposed by the abuser, allowing your true self to emerge more clearly.

Another way to help manage this voice is to talk to friends and family. They know who you are and, most likely, what your partner has been making you feel. Even if you can’t trust yourself, you can trust them to look out for you.

These tools will help jumpstart getting your power back!

#3 – Calm Your Nervous System

To rebuild trust in yourself, your body first needs to feel safe. Emotional abuse often leaves your nervous system stuck in a heightened state of alert, triggering a relentless fight-or-flight response. [9] When your body is constantly bracing for danger, it becomes hard to think clearly, make sound decisions, or connect with your inner sense of wisdom. [2] Shifting your nervous system from fight-or-flight mode to a calmer, rest-and-digest state is crucial. This shift lays the groundwork for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. [9]

There are a few ways you can do that.

One of my clients finally escaped from a toxic relationship and was eager to get started on her healing. She found a space in her home that was her special place, a place that didn’t connect to her ex at. She used that space as a recovery area. When she was feeling sad, she retreated there and found some peace, or cried her eyes out. Once she started healing that was the place she went to help her blossom into the person she is now. Think about creating a physical space where your mind and body can relax. This could be a cozy corner in your home, a chair by a sunny window, a peaceful spot outdoors, or any area that feels comforting and secure. [11]

Your body often carries the weight of unprocessed pain, so finding ways to release that tension is vital. [2] One quick and effective tool is deep, mindful breathing. For example, the 4-7-8 technique involves inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven, and exhaling forcefully through your mouth for eight. [9][10] Another option is the physiological sigh: take two quick inhales through your nose, followed by a long, slow exhale. [9][3]

Another way to deal with the emotion in your body is movement. Activities like walking, yoga, dancing, or even small actions like shoulder rolls, jaw releases, or gentle shaking for 10–20 seconds can help your body let go of tension. [9][3][10]

Retraining your nervous system takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself. Signs of a dysregulated system – such as constant worry, trouble focusing, muscle tension, or feeling overwhelmed – won’t disappear overnight. [9][10]

#4 – Rebuild Your Self-Trust

When your nervous system starts to calm down, you can start rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Begin by focusing on everyday choices. These might seem insignificant, but they’re powerful. Each time you honor your preferences without second-guessing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your judgment matters [12].

Some positive choices: taking time for yourself, spending time with friends, doing that thing you have always wanted to do. Some negative choices: stalking him, revisiting places that you had shared, constantly looking at his social media.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you make these small decisions. Tuning into what feels right helps you reconnect with your intuition – the inner voice that might have been muffled by past emotional abuse. Over time, these small acts of trust will lay the groundwork for tackling more significant decisions with confidence.

Remember, recovery is not linear – setbacks are inevitable. You might make a decision you later regret or slip back into old patterns of self-doubt. Keep an eye on when you are starting to feel this way – perhaps bad about yourself or doubting your decision. Having awareness of these slight back-slides will help you manage them. And don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, recover can be two steps forward, one step back.

#5 – Reconnect with Who You Were Before

Emotional abuse often forces you to conform to others’ expectations, leaving you disconnected from your true self. [13]  Reclaiming your identity involves rediscovering who you are and recovering from the emotional abuse that you suffered through.

Try reconnecting with things that your loved before you lost yourself. Perhaps its something creative – like writing or dancing. Take up old hobbies. Spend time with old friends who can remind you of the life you had. Challenge the critical messages left behind by an abuser by replacing them with affirmations of your strengths, achievements, and unique qualities. ournaling is always helpful – it can keep you in touch with how far you have come!

Part of my client’s journey was to dance again. She used to go to dances weekly but, after he left, she just couldn’t muster up the interest. The dancing helped her in a big way towards her goal of healing.

It is essential that you engage in activities that bring comfort and joy, like taking a warm bath, enjoying a walk, or simply pausing to appreciate a quiet moment. Focus on what genuinely feels right for you, rather than what you think you should enjoy.

#6 – Set and Enforce Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being and rebuilding self-trust. [3]

Start small by expressing your opinions in low-pressure situations. For example, you might say, “I need some time to think about that,” or “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.”

Pay close attention to your feelings – they’re valuable indicators of your needs. If you feel discomfort because someone has crossed a line, honor that feeling by standing firm. This might mean ending a conversation, stepping away from a situation, or calmly but firmly restating your boundary.

Stay away from your abuser. If you must have contact with them, walk away when the abuse begins. Also, reducing contact with people who dismiss your experiences will be very helpful as far as your recovery.

The more you practice, the more natural setting limits will feel. Over time, this process strengthens your ability to trust your own judgments, a key part of lasting recovery.

#7 – Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Healing is much easier when you have a network of people who respect your boundaries and support your renewed sense of self. As sex educator Cassandra Corrado explains:

“It’s pretty much impossible to recalibrate our trust compass without support from others” [4].

Seek out safe environments, such as local domestic violence resource centers, support groups, or online communities where survivors share and validate each other’s experiences.

Look for relationships built on respect, empathy, and encouragement. Surround yourself with people who value your opinions, respect your boundaries, and listen without judgment. These connections empower you to express even your most difficult emotions. If you must interact with toxic or emotionally abusive individuals, consider bringing along a trusted friend who can act as an emotional buffer.

For my client, she attended a weekly support group for people like herself. She also decided to go back to school and get her Master’s in Social Work. She wanted to help others who struggle through what she had gotten past.

Setting boundaries and building a supportive network isn’t selfish – it’s an essential step in reclaiming your identity and protecting your sense of self.

Rebuilding self-trust after emotional abuse is a deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace.

Healing isn’t about returning to who you were before the abuse. It’s about stepping into a new version of yourself – one that values inner peace and protects your worth through firm boundaries. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and a move toward lasting transformation.

My client did it and you can too!

Remember, celebrate your small victories as they come, even if they are small. Each of them will lead you back to the person whose inner voice you trust and help you find yourself again!

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. I am here for you and offer personalized guidance to help you reconnect with your intuition and build lasting self-trust. With a free initial session, you can explore your goals and create a tailored plan to support your growth.

Is it Love or Control? Key Differences That You Must Look Out For

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I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me, unhappy in their relationship, and they aren’t sure why. After all, they tell me, they know that their person loves them. How can they possibly not be feeling like they will be living happily ever after?

The key is, I tell them, is whether or not their partner truly loves them or is really just trying to control them.

The most important thing to know is that love supports your growth, while control limits your freedom. It’s not always easy to spot the difference, especially when control is disguised as care or concern. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and independence. Controlling behaviors, on the other hand, often involve monitoring, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

If Your Partner Does THIS, It’s Not Love, It’s Control

First, What Does Healthy Love Looks Like?

Healthy love thrives on respect, trust, and freedom – not fear or restrictions. In a strong relationship, both partners feel valued and free to express their thoughts and emotions. Your voice matters, your time is appreciated, and your boundaries are upheld. Disagreements may happen, but they’re handled with open communication and teamwork, not manipulation or threats.

And, most importantly, you feel more like your true self, not less.

Here are some things to look out for:

# 1 – Is There Mutual Respect and Trust?

Mutual respect means treating each other as equals, where no one holds all the power or makes all the decisions. Practically, this looks like listening attentively, avoiding hurtful remarks, and making requests instead of demands. For instance, saying, “Could we talk about how often we text?” is far healthier than, “You need to text me every hour.”

Trust, on the other hand, is built on confidence in each other’s honesty and decision-making without constant surveillance. You don’t feel the need to check your partner’s phone or insist on sharing passwords to prove loyalty. Instead, you assume good intentions unless given a reason to think otherwise. A 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association found that strong relationships are closely tied to mutual respect and trust, while low trust often leads to anxiety and conflict.

Many of my clients say that while there was mutual respect in the beginning, as time has gone on, it has faded. They are left with feeling like they need to change who they are to gain the respect they desire, often to no effect.

#2 – Do You Support Each Other’s Independence?

Alongside mutual respect, independence plays a key role in healthy love. Partners who value each other’s individuality see it as a strength, not a threat. They encourage personal goals – whether it’s pursuing further education, changing careers, or diving into creative projects – and support hobbies and friendships without guilt. Studies show that autonomy leads to greater relationship satisfaction because it allows each person to maintain their sense of self, bringing a more grounded and complete version of themselves to the partnership.

For example, saying, “I’m so proud of you for going back to school; let’s figure out how to balance chores so you have time to study,” builds support. On the flip side, saying, “If you do that, you’ll have no time for me,” discourages growth. Healthy independence also means celebrating your partner’s time with friends or solo pursuits without resentment, showing joy for their choices rather than reacting with anger or withdrawal.

#3 – Is There Open Communication and Clear Boundaries?

Healthy relationships also rely on open dialogue and well-defined boundaries. This includes using “I” statements, like, “I feel uneasy when plans change at the last minute,” instead of blame-filled language, such as, “You never care about my time.” It also means listening to feedback without defensiveness and clarifying misunderstandings. For example, saying, “When you didn’t text back, I wondered if you were upset – was that the case?” helps avoid assumptions.

Boundaries, when done right, protect your emotional well-being without controlling your partner. Saying, “I’m not okay with yelling; if things get heated, I’ll need to step away,” is a healthy boundary. In contrast, saying, “You can’t see your friends without me,” crosses the line into control. Boundaries should be mutually discussed, adaptable over time, and designed to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.

For tools to improve communication or create stronger boundaries, check out my website where you will find more tools to help you reach these goals!

So, What Does Controlling Behavior Looks Like?

Healthy love encourages independence and allows you to grow as an individual. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to limit your freedom, often masked as concern. Instead of feeling supported and more like yourself, you might feel smaller, restricted, and constantly under scrutiny. The difference is clear: healthy care asks, “How can I support you?” while control insists, “I know what’s best for you.”

This kind of behavior often starts small – frequent check-ins, unsolicited opinions about your friends, or comments on your clothing choices. Over time, these seemingly minor actions can escalate into strict rules, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

#1 – Gestures That Seem Loving or Protective

Controlling behavior often hides behind gestures that seem loving or protective. For instance, a partner demanding constant updates about your whereabouts might claim they’re just worried about you. But this can leave you feeling like you’re under surveillance, obligated to respond immediately. If you don’t reply fast enough, they might flood you with calls or texts, using anger or guilt to get their way.

One of my clients had an off again, on again relationship that made her feel horrible about herself. The key action of her lover – he would always appear when she was struggling with something. He would come in, help her, get her back on the line and then leave again. This behavior might have looked like love but it was control.

#2 – Controlling Media Use

Digital control is another red flag. Insisting on access to your phone, demanding passwords, or requiring read receipts can quickly cross boundaries. In a healthy relationship, privacy – both online and offline – is respected. Sharing access should be a mutual choice, not a test of loyalty.

#3 – Isolating

Isolation is another tactic. A controlling partner might label your friends or family as “toxic” or “bad influences”, pressuring you to spend less time with them. They may insist on approving who you see, stir up conflict when you make plans without them, or display extreme jealousy when you’re with others. Over time, this can chip away at your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.

Many of my clients reach out to me in the first place because they find that they have no one to talk to about their relationship. Whereas before they had a strong social group, over time they have dropped those friends, choosing to focus on their relationship instead. While they might think that this was their idea but, from my experience, it is usually his.

#4 – Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Guilt-tripping might sound like, “After all I do for you, you still choose them over me?” or “You’re making me act this way.” This shifts blame onto you, making you responsible for their actions. They might also resort to fear or threats – hinting at self-harm, threatening to leave, or even saying they’ll expose private information if you don’t comply. In these situations, affection and attention are often given conditionally, based on whether you meet their demands.

#5 – Overprotection

Some controlling behaviors are disguised as care. For example, “protective” jealousy might involve questioning your clothing, your social life, or your friendships under the pretense of keeping you safe. In reality, these actions limit your independence and self-expression. Financial control is another tactic: managing all the money, questioning your spending, or discouraging you from working might be framed as “I’ll take care of you,” but it leaves you dependent and powerless. Unfortunately, U.S. media sometimes romanticizes jealousy or equates “taking charge” with love, making it harder to recognize when these behaviors are harmful instead of supportive.

Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior: A Side-by-Side Comparison

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

When you compare them directly, the contrast between healthy love and controlling behavior becomes crystal clear. Healthy love encourages independence and personal growth, while controlling behavior limits choices and freedom. [1]

The key difference lies in intent. Healthy love is built on mutual respect and a shared desire for both partners to flourish. On the other hand, controlling behavior stems from insecurity, fear, or a need for power. Even when disguised as “concern”, control often prioritizes one partner’s comfort over the other’s autonomy. [2]

In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, appreciated, and free to be yourself. Disagreements are handled with care, and you don’t fear punishment. [1] In contrast, controlling relationships create a tense environment. You might feel anxious, trapped, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions to avoid conflict. [2] A simple gut-check can help: Do I feel safe and free, or do I feel trapped and isolated?

How Can You Tell if Your Relationship is a Healthy One?

I always tell my clients that the ultimate test of whether or not their partner loves them or controls them is to pay attention to their body. The body, and the gut, never lie!

Supportive relationships provide a sense of security that can lower stress levels, improve focus, and strengthen your ability to handle life’s challenges. When you feel safe and valued, it becomes easier to concentrate at work or school, show patience with others, and tackle obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

A partner who genuinely supports you also contributes to building your self-esteem. Encouragement that recognizes your worth and respects your boundaries can help you feel more confident and independent. Over time, this leads to a growing trust in your own abilities. You may find yourself more open to trying new experiences, standing up for what you need, and even walking away from situations that don’t align with your well-being.

In fact, research highlights the power of strong social connections, showing they can boost survival rates by 50%. This underscores just how much healthy love can positively shape your life.

While healthy love uplifts, controlling behavior does the opposite, chipping away at your mental health. In a controlling relationship, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words and actions to avoid conflict. This heightened state of vigilance can lead to chronic stress, which, over time, increases the risk of anxiety disorders and depression.

Controlling partners often use criticism and isolation to undermine your confidence and limit your world. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might be sacrificed just to maintain peace, leaving you feeling increasingly confined. When your partner dictates who you can see or how you communicate, it cuts you off from the support systems that help you manage stress and affirm your self-worth. Without these connections, negative thoughts can spiral unchecked, and challenges may feel impossible to overcome. Leaving the relationship can seem like an insurmountable task.

In more extreme cases, especially when emotional or psychological abuse is involved, the effects can feel similar to trauma. You might experience symptoms like hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting others – even after the relationship ends.

If you’re feeling heightened anxiety, struggling to sleep, or noticing that you’re losing your sense of self within your relationship, these are red flags that your mental health may be at risk. It’s essential to take action. Consider reaching out to a therapist or relationship coach for guidance.

Healthy love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and freedom, while controlling behavior is rooted in power and fear.

In a healthy relationship, you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself. You can maintain your friendships and personal identity without fear of judgment or interference. On the other hand, controlling relationships can leave you feeling anxious, monitored, and confined under the guise of concern, with phrases like “I just care about you” or “I’m only trying to protect you.”

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and free in this relationship, or do I feel trapped and monitored?” and “Am I able to make my own choices without fear of backlash?” Honest answers to these questions can help you trust your instincts and identify red flags. Remember, love should be built on mutual respect and freedom – it should expand your world, not shrink it.

You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself. No relationship should make you feel small, guilty, or afraid.

With this understanding, take small but meaningful steps toward relationships that are defined by care, respect, and trust. Each action you take moves you closer to the love and freedom you deserve.

Why Productivity Drops After Heartbreak And How To Fix It

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Heartbreak can severely impact your productivity, with up to 40% drops in output, difficulty concentrating (94%), and disrupted sleep (83%). Emotional distress from breakups often leads to anxiety, confusion, and even physical health issues, which can linger for months. The financial toll is massive, costing U.S. businesses over $100 billion annually due to lost productivity.

Heartbreak recovery takes time, but with the right strategies, you can, as you heal, regain control and move forward stronger.

7 Habits To Heal From A Breakup FASTER Evidence-Based

Why Does Heartbreak Hurt Your Productivity?

#1 – Mental Stress and Racing Thoughts

When you’re dealing with heartbreak, your mind can feel like it’s running a marathon you never signed up for. Instead of zoning in on that big project or upcoming deadline, your brain replays past conversations and regrets like a broken record. This constant mental noise doesn’t just distract you – it actively drains your ability to process information and make decisions.

Research shows that 44% of divorced employees report that the emotional strain negatively impacts their work[3]. Many struggle with focus, decision-making, and even maintaining workplace relationships. It’s like your brain is stuck in overdrive, leaving little room for anything else.

And then there’s the vicious cycle. The harder you try to focus, the more frustrated you get when you can’t. This frustration feeds into your stress, creating a loop that feels impossible to escape. Over time, this mental strain doesn’t just cloud your thoughts – it starts to take a toll on your physical health too.

#2 – The Physical Impact

Heartbreak isn’t just in your head – it’s in your body too. The emotional stress can wreak havoc on your physical health, draining your energy and motivation. Sleep becomes a casualty, with restless nights leading to groggy mornings. And when you’re sleep-deprived, everything suffers – your reaction time slows, your memory falters, and making decisions feels like climbing a mountain.

The numbers paint a grim picture: 88% of people report anxiety, and 66% experience panic attacks or frequent illness during heartbreak[1]. These aren’t just minor annoyances; they’re serious issues that can cripple your ability to function at work.

Stress hormones like cortisol surge during heartbreak, further complicating things. This hormonal flood can weaken your immune system, making you more prone to getting sick. In severe cases, heartbreak can even lead to “broken heart syndrome,” a condition where emotional stress temporarily impairs your heart’s ability to pump blood[3]. While rare, it underscores just how deeply heartbreak can affect your physical well-being – and your performance at work.

#3 – Difficulty Working with Others

The challenges don’t stop with your mind and body – they also spill into your work relationships and daily interactions. Heartbreak often brings emotional shifts like confusion, irritability, and withdrawal, which can strain your connections with coworkers. You might find yourself snapping at colleagues, skipping team meetings, or avoiding group projects altogether.

The fallout is real: 83% of grieving employees say their professional reputation took a hit, and 79% even considered quitting their job after a major heartbreak[1].

#4 – Too Many Sick Days

Absenteeism is another hurdle that comes with heartbreak. When the emotional weight feels unbearable, just getting out of bed and showing up to work can seem impossible. 73% of employees going through divorce report higher absenteeism, disrupting not just their own productivity but also their team’s ability to meet deadlines and hit goals[4].

#5 – Communication Challenges

Communication takes a hit when we are dealing with heartbreak. We might struggle to get our thoughts across in meetings, miss key details in emails, or let messages go unanswered. Over time, these small missteps can snowball, creating a reputation for being unreliable.

Research highlights that 94% of people struggling with heartbreak experience difficulty concentrating, so acting quickly to manage the situation is crucial[1].

#6 – The Need to Isolate

And then there’s the isolation. Pulling back from workplace social interactions might feel like self-preservation, but it also cuts you off from the support systems that could help you bounce back. This withdrawal creates a downward spiral: poor performance leads to isolation, which makes recovering and rebuilding even harder. It’s a tough cycle to break, but recognizing these patterns is the first step toward regaining your footing.

How Do You Get Your Productivity Back After Heartbreak?

Heartbreak can be a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to derail your productivity forever. By combining professional support, establishing new routines, and prioritizing self-care, you can rebuild your focus and regain control of your work life. Let’s explore how.

#1 – Get Professional Help.

There are specific signs that indicate your heartbreak might require professional attention. Studies reveal that 92% of people dealing with significant emotional loss experience at least one major health issue, such as anxiety, confusion, sleep problems, chronic insomnia, frequent illness, unexplained fatigue, or even chest pain[1].

Heartbreak can feel all-consuming, making it hard to focus or even make simple decisions. It’s no surprise that 70% of people dealing with grief turn to professional help[1]. Structured support can be a game-changer, helping you not only process your emotions but also restore your work performance.

One of the biggest red flags is persistent depression lasting more than two weeks. If feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or deep sadness seem unshakable, it’s a sign that your heartbreak may have escalated into clinical depression. Research suggests that 20% of people going through a breakup develop clinical depression, which can severely disrupt both their mental well-being and productivity.

Programs like 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On offer targeted resources to guide you through heartbreak. The course combines emotional healing with practical strategies to rebuild focus and productivity. Through daily activities, participants explore emotional processing, self-reflection, and future planning, avoiding the trap of dwelling on painful thoughts without progress.[1].

“I can help you get all that…and more…by creating, together, a personalized plan to get you the life, and love, you have always dreamed of!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach, Let Your Dreams Begin

Investing in professional help can also save you from long-term setbacks. U.S. businesses lose over $100 billion annually due to grief-related productivity issues.[2]. Seeking support early can prevent extended periods of reduced performance and help you stay on track professionally.

#2 – Create New Daily Habits

When heartbreak leaves you feeling unmoored, a consistent daily routine can provide the stability you need. Simple habits like waking up at the same time each day, planning meals, and taking a short morning walk can create a sense of normalcy.

Research shows that maintaining a structured routine lowers stress and anxiety levels[1]. And when stress is reduced, your ability to focus at work improves.

Using tools like habit-tracking apps or a journal can help you stay motivated. Even small wins, like sticking to a routine for a week, can rebuild your confidence. These habits aren’t just about structure – they’re about proving to yourself that you can follow through, which is a cornerstone of workplace productivity.

#3 – Take Care of Yourself First

Heartbreak often takes a physical toll, and ignoring these symptoms can sabotage your ability to focus. For instance, 83% of people experience sleep disruption, and 66% deal with frequent illnesses after heartbreak[1]. Addressing these issues is critical.

Its important to prioritize sleep. Aim for 7–9 hours each night by sticking to a bedtime routine, reducing screen time before bed, and keeping your room cool and dark. A well-rested mind is sharper and better equipped to handle challenges.

Physical activity is another powerful tool to increase your productivity after heartbreak. Exercise releases endorphins, lifting your mood and reducing anxiety. You don’t need to overdo it – just 30 minutes of moderate activity daily can make a big difference in how you feel and focus.

Make sure to eat well. While it’s tempting to skip meals or rely on comfort foods, a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins supports both your physical and mental health.

“Self-care is not a luxury; it is a necessity for maintaining productivity and emotional health.” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach

The American Psychological Association reports that self-care can lead to a 30% boost in productivity when emotional well-being improves[1]. By prioritizing your physical and emotional health, you’re building a foundation for long-term recovery and better work performance.

Heartbreak doesn’t have to derail your productivity indefinitely.

While 91% of people report a drop in output that can last up to a year or more[1], recovery is entirely within reach with the right approach.

Healing takes time, both mentally and physically. By combining self-compassion with structured routines, you can gradually rebuild your focus and emotional resilience. When challenges feel overwhelming, seeking targeted support can make all the difference.

Know that, if you take steps to take care of yourself and get some help, your productivity will return, and your emotional well-being will stabilize. By focusing on healing and taking proactive steps, you’ll not only regain your footing but also discover newfound strength. The path forward is there – take that first step today.

“Even one session can make a huge difference so reach out now!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach

Best Books for Healing After Heartbreak

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Heartbreak can feel overwhelming, impacting both your emotions and daily life. But the right book can provide tools to help you recover, rebuild, and grow. Here’s a list of ten highly recommended books that tackle heartbreak from different angles – whether you need practical advice, emotional support, or a new perspective on healing:

  • It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: Straightforward advice to accept the breakup and move forward with humor and clarity.
  • This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe: Self-reflection exercises to rediscover yourself and build healthier patterns.
  • Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott: Actionable steps like the “no contact” rule to help you heal and regain control.
  • The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver: Encourages embracing emotions as a path to personal growth.
  • Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: A memoir of self-discovery and healing after divorce.
  • The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson: Explores the emotional stages of heartbreak and tools for recovery.
  • The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques to manage emotions and find peace.
  • Feeling Good by David D. Burns: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) strategies to overcome negative thought patterns.
  • Rising Strong by Brené Brown: A guide to resilience, identifying emotional triggers, and rewriting your story.
  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl: A philosophical approach to finding purpose and strength through pain.

Each book caters to different needs, from practical steps to deep emotional insights. Whether you’re looking to process your feelings, shift your perspective, or take actionable steps, there’s a book here for you.

Quick Comparison

Book Title Focus Best For
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken Accepting the breakup, moving forward Those ready for blunt, humorous advice
This Is Me Letting You Go Self-reflection, building self-love Readers seeking introspection
Getting Past Your Breakup Structured recovery, no-contact rule Those needing clear, actionable steps
The Wisdom of a Broken Heart Embracing emotions, mindfulness Readers open to spiritual growth
Eat, Pray, Love Rediscovery after loss Those ready for life changes and exploration
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing Healing abandonment pain, emotional stages Individuals dealing with deep rejection
The Happiness Trap Managing emotions with ACT techniques Readers handling anxiety or obsessive thoughts
Feeling Good CBT for overcoming negative thoughts Those struggling with low self-esteem
Rising Strong Resilience, emotional triggers Readers seeking growth from setbacks

Choose a book that fits your current stage of healing and start your journey toward recovery.

Book Recommendations – 4 Books to Mend a Broken Heart

#1 – It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

This book gets straight to the point: your relationship ended for a reason, and that’s actually a good thing. Written by Greg Behrendt, co-author of He’s Just Not That Into You, and his wife Amiira, this guide offers no-nonsense advice, from both male and female viewpoints, to help you cut through the emotional fog that often follows a breakup.

At the most basic level, the authors delivers a clear message: accept the breakup and move forward. They encourage readers to stop dissecting every moment or clinging to false hope, and instead embrace reality and focus on healing. This approach provides a solid foundation for practical, actionable steps toward recovery.

The book likens getting over a breakup to overcoming an addiction, emphasizing the importance of going through "withdrawal" to truly heal. Its blunt, often humorous tone makes it ideal for those who are ready to take action – even if their emotions are still catching up.

#2 – This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe

Heidi Priebe’s This Is Me Letting You Go offers a thoughtful approach to navigating the aftermath of a breakup, one that is in complete contrast to It’s Called a Breakup. Instead of simply urging you to "move on," the book encourages deep self-reflection, using the end of a relationship as a chance to rediscover yourself and build self-love. Packed with exercises and reflection prompts, the book helps you identify relationship patterns, attachment styles, and codependency, and, thereby, uncover the roots of your emotional experiences.

These insights not only support personal growth but also lay the groundwork for creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

#3 – Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott.

Susan J. Elliott’s Getting Past Your Breakup offers a straightforward and actionable guide for navigating the aftermath of a relationship. It’s not just about getting over someone – it’s about truly healing and building a stronger version of yourself.

At the heart of the book is something that is very near and dear to my heart, and the key to getting through a break up: the "no contact" rule. Cutting off communication with your ex might feel extreme or even painful at first, but it’s a necessary step to allow your emotions to settle and begin the healing process. Staying in touch can keep old wounds open, making it harder to move forward.

Elliott is not afraid to call out behaviors that might be holding you back – whether it’s clinging to unrealistic expectations or falling into self-destructive cycles. She delivers her message with a balance of empathy and honesty helps readers face hard truths while feeling supported.

"Part of moving on is about learning to love yourself, possibly for the first time. If you learn to truly enjoy your own company, you will be far less likely to choose bad relationships just for the sake of being in one." – Susan J. Elliott [2]

#4 – The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart takes a totally different approach to navigating heartbreak – instead of urging readers to "move on" or distract themselves, Piver encourages embracing the pain as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

What sets this book apart is its focus on leaning into the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Piver understands that the end of a relationship can bring overwhelming emotional devastation. Rather than offering quick fixes or distractions, she suggests sitting with the pain and allowing it to fuel meaningful transformation. By sharing her own experiences with heartbreak she inspires her reader to take action.

#5 – Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

When this book was first published, and was an international sensation, I refused to read it – because everyone else was doing it. And then, because I was desperate, I read it and it changed the trajectory of my life.

Eat, Pray, Love captures the author’s deeply personal journey of rediscovery and healing following a painful divorce.

The book chronicles a transformative year in Gilbert’s life as she travels to three countries: Italy, where she indulges in the simple joys of food and pleasure; India ,where she dives into spirituality and self-reflection; and Indonesia, where she seeks balance and connection, and finds love.

By telling her story, Gilbert shows how rebuilding a relationship with yourself often requires stepping into the unknown and embracing discomfort. She also clearly demonstrates that stepping outside of one’s comfort zones can inspire personal growth and healing.

#6 – The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

Susan Anderson’s The Journey from Abandonment to Healing takes a deep and empathetic dive into the emotional wreckage of heartbreak. As a psychotherapist with expertise in abandonment recovery, Anderson argues that all breakups through five stages: shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, and lifting.

Anderson explains the science behind why heartbreak can feel like a physical wound and why the aftermath might resemble withdrawal symptoms. Recognizing that these intense reactions have a biochemical basis can bring a sense of relief during those overwhelming moments.

She also encourages her readers to break free from what she calls "protest mode" – that exhausting cycle of resisting reality, clinging to what’s lost, and being consumed by anger and longing – and to embrace acceptance by acknowledging their emotions and taking steps to move forward.

The book includes practical exercises aimed at managing pain and cultivating self-compassion, offering readers actionable tools to navigate their healing journey.

One reader, Toni Kohn, shared how the book profoundly impacted her during a difficult time:

"As an abandonment survivor, I recommend Susan’s work to those in the thick of despair. In the days I was at my worst, I remember reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and it was the first time I felt understood, less alone, and with a road map out of the depths of despair. I am forever grateful and continue to follow her work."

  • Toni Kohn [3]

# 7 – The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

Russ Harris’s The Happiness Trap, using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), helps one work through tough emotions instead of fighting against them and offers practical tools to help manage emotional challenges effectively [7].

Harris argues that trying to suppress or escape negative feelings often makes things worse. After a breakup, it’s normal to feel sadness, anger, or anxiety – but the real issue arises when you resist these emotions or expect them to disappear instantly.

Russ suggest 5 key strategies to handle these emotions:

  • Defusion: This involves stepping back from negative thoughts. For example, instead of believing "I’m not good enough,” try reframing it as "I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough." This subtle shift can reduce the emotional weight of the thought [6]
  • Acceptance: Rather than pushing away uncomfortable feelings, feel them. Acknowledge that pain is part of being human, and much of our suffering comes from resisting what we feel [6]
  • Mindfulness: Staying present can stop the cycle of obsessing over the past or worrying about the future. [6]
  • Clarifying Your Values: Think about what truly matters to you beyond your relationship. Questions like "What kind of person do I want to be?" or "What do I stand for?" can help you identify your core values. [6]
  • Committed Action: Even if you’re feeling unmotivated, taking small, values-driven steps can create momentum. These actions, no matter how minor, help you align your life with what matters most [6].

While Harris’s method can not erase the pain of heartbreak, he offers tools to help you carry it more lightly. By embracing these techniques, you can turn emotional struggles into opportunities to build a life centered on your values and personal growth.

#8 – Feeling Good by David D. Burns

In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David D. Burns outlines how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can serve to dismantle negative thinking, something that, after a break up, can amplify emotional pain and make it harder to move forward.

One standout chapter, "Love Addiction," explores how distorted beliefs about rejection can trap you in cycles of hopelessness. By identifying these patterns, you can begin to see how your perspective on rejection might be holding you back from healing.

Although Feeling Good isn’t specifically about recovering from heartbreak, its CBT-based strategies offer valuable tools for breaking free from negative thought loops can play a key role in finding emotional balance after a breakup.

9. Rising Strong by Brené Brown

Rising Strong dives into the art of recovering from setbacks and building resilience through a straightforward three-step process: reckoning, rumble, and revolution.

In the reckoning phase, Brown encourages readers to identify their emotional triggers and observe their feelings without trying to suppress them. After all, recognizing and understanding your emotions is the first step toward healing.

The rumble phase is all about untangling the self-defeating stories we tell ourselves after a breakup and challenging those limiting beliefs and rewriting the story you tell yourself.

Finally, the revolution phase focuses on using the pain you’ve experienced to build emotional strength and authenticity in future relationships. It’s not about erasing the past or pretending the relationship didn’t matter but instead it’s about taking what you’ve learned and applying it to how you live and love moving forward.

The key to Brown’s perspective is her emphasis on vulnerability, something that reframes it as a source of strength rather than weakness, emphasizing that the willingness to risk being hurt again is essential for forming deep, meaningful connections.

Sometimes finding just the right book can help you get through your breakup and out the other side, even better than you were before.

Each of these titles offer a wealth of wisdom, each providing a unique approach to healing, ensuring there’s something for everyone, no matter where you are in your journey.

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A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

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A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

Truly, I don’t believe there’s anything worse than a broken heart. Having to let go of someone who you loved, with whom you had dreams of a future together, can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do

Healing from heartbreak is a process, a one step at a time, one day at a time process. I know right now the whole idea seems daunting, but you can get past this heartbreak. After all, no one ever died of a broken heart. And, you have most likely survived a broken heart before and you will survive it again.

To help you in your efforts, let me share a step-by-step guide on how to heal after heartbreak so that you can rebuild your life and move on.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The most important part of healing after heartbreak is to feel your feelings.

In this country, its almost a badge of honor to be strong in the face of heartbreak, to suck it up and not express the feelings that we are feeling. It’s important that you not just be strong and suck up your feelings if you want to heal from a broken heart.

I would encourage you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Feel them deeply and then work to let them go. That way, your emotions won’t get stuck in your body and you will have an easier time healing.

The important thing is to feel your feelings deeply, but don’t wallow them for very long. There will be an intense period of pain, maybe a few weeks or a few months, but it’s important that you don’t let those feelings drive your decisions going forward. Some of the painful feelings might still be there, but it’s important that you not let them run your life.

#2 – Don’t seek closure.

Seeking closure is a complete waste of time and will only hold you back from your healing.

I believe closure is a myth. It’s just an excuse to spend one more moment with your person, hoping things will turn out differently. Unfortunately, this never works. Things might turn out differently after a closure conversation but chances are another break up will follow sooner or later nonetheless.

A key part of healing is not having contact with your person. Every time you hear their voice or see their face it’s going hold you back from healing, maybe even put you back to square one. So, don’t seek closure. Chances are you know exactly what happened in your relationship and you have talked about it more time than once. You’re not going learn anything new if you try for closure.

#3 – Block them.

I know the idea of blocking your ex fills you with anxiety. After all, if you block them, how will they ever reach out to you if they want to get back together? How will you ever be able to reach them if you need them?

I get this! They are your ex and you have been with them for a long time and the idea of not being in contact with them is scary.

But what I can promise you is that, if you block them, you will heal faster. Neither one of you will have an opportunity to reach out to each other and start the cycle of break ups again. You will both be given the opportunity to feel your feelings and move on.

I know that it will be hard but you can do it!

heal after heartbreak

#4 – No stalking!

One of the things that will damage your healing after a heartbreak is stalking your person on social media. Going on their social channels and seeing what they’re up to. Much like being in touch with them on your phone or seeking closure, seeing your person on social media will set you back.

You might see them going on with their life. You might see a quote that talks about the magic of freedom. You might even see them with another person. All these things can be devastating.

Remember, what people post on social media is not the truth. What people post on social media is the best version of their lives, sometimes even a version of their lives they post on purpose to mess with their ex.

So, much like blocking your person on your phone, unfriend or unfollow your ex on social media. You’ll be glad you did.

#5 – Make a list of all the things that were wrong.

When we break up with someone, all of the things that were struggles in the relationship are quickly forgotten. What is left are the memories of the good times, memories that will makes us want to get back together with our ex.

I remember regretting breaking up with an ex so much that I almost called him. One day I was reading my journal and remembered that he never listened to me. That he always interrupted me. Reading these words made me remember why we needed to break up.

I encourage everyone who wants to heal after heartbreak to keep a list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. I know that you might think that nothing was wrong, that your relationship was perfect, but if you sit down and really think about it you will find that are plenty of things that can be added to this list.

If you keep this list growing, when you are feeling like you need closure or want to unblock them, you can refer to it and remember why this relationship was an unhealthy one and one you should not return to.

#6 – Move things around.

I have a client who has finally blocked her married man. It’s incredibly hard for her and she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.

One thing she says is that he is in every corner of her house, that wherever she turns, she sees something that reminds her of him. To fix that, I encouraged her to move things around in her home.

I encouraged her to box up everything that is his and put it away or have him come get it (when she isn’t home, of course). I also encouraged her to rearrange furniture and move photographs. Doing these things will shift up the energy in the house and give her some hope for the future, instead of being tied to the past.

#7 – Get off the couch.

I know I told you to feel your feelings, and that is important. And for many people feeling their feelings, involves ice cream on the couch in front of “Love is Blind.” And this is okay, at least for a time. If you get too attached to your couch, however, not only will you start to feel bad about yourself, but you won’t be able to heal. You will get stuck in your feelings, maybe even making them worse.

So, spend a little bit of time on the couch but then get off it. Just go for a walk. Or clean the dishes. Or spend time with friends.

The couch is a really comfy place but not someplace from where you can truly heal.

#8 – Spend time with people you who love you.

A key part of healing after heartbreak is spending time with people who love you.

One of the things that happens in an unhappy relationship is that people lose a sense of who they are. When they are rejected by someone else, they believe themselves to be unlovable.

Spending time with people who love you will help you remember that you are lovable and worthy of love.

So get out there and visit family, go to the movies with a friend, connect with someone from your past. Spend time with whomever will make you feel loved. After all, you are lovable, and you deserve love as much as any one else.

#9 – Plan something fun.

Another client who is going through a break up is really struggling with seeing any positive thing in her future. It’s hard for her to believe that she’ll ever find someone again or that she will ever feel happy again. And I get that. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s really hard to have hope for the future.

I always encourage my clients to make a plan for the future, something that they can look forward to. Maybe it’s just going to get a massage or finally seeing that Broadway show that they have always wanted to see. Or it could be something bigger. After my divorce, I decided that I needed to go to Peru and I did! Planning was really fun and I had a huge sense of accomplishment after climbing mountain at 17000 feet. It made me feel wonderful about myself, a feeling I hadn’t felt for a while.

#10 – Tip toe back into dating.

I know right now you’re feeling incredibly lonely and hoping that you can get into another relationship as soon as possible. And I get that. After a break up, we feel so lonely and will give anything to move on and find love.

But getting into a relationship right away is the worst thing that you could do as far as healing from heartbreak.

That being said, I do encourage people to get back into dating when they are ready. Not to seek a new relationship, but to remember what it’s like to date. To get out there and flirt and talk to people and get a lay of the land.

That way, when they’re ready to find a new relationship, they will have already flexed their dating muscles, and will have a better chance of finding the person with whom they can live happily ever after.

#11 – Get some help.

This step is one that many people who are going through a break up think is not necessary. After all, they have their friends and family to process the break up and to help them move on.

I always push back on this.

Of course your friends and family can be incredibly supportive. They love you and are always in your corner. That being said, your friends and family can bring their own stuff into their support. Perhaps they didn’t like your ex and are happy to put them down and celebrate you leaving them. Or perhaps they have recently been through a break up and want to equate your heartbreak with theirs.

If you seek professional help, this won’t happen. A relationship coach will be someone who has helped many people get through heartbreak and come out the other side. They will not be someone who will bring their own agenda into your healing.

So, reach out to a professional, like me! to help you truly heal from your heartbreak so you’re ready to move on and find love.

So there you go – a step-by-step guide to healing from heartbreak.

I know that right now it feels like you will never be happy again, but I can promise you that you will. The key part is not to run from the pain of your past relationships into a new one. It’s important to go through the steps to heal so that you don’t bring any of your past stuff into a new relationship so you can get your happily ever after.

I know you can do this and that things are going to be okay!

11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

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11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

Relationship are complicated. While the falling-in-love part is easy and fun, maintaining that love can be a challenge. A challenge whose outcome can be wonderful but a challenge nonetheless.

Many people don’t know that taking care of each other’s well being is a key part of that challenge and that doing so effectively can keep a relationship strong. Notably, people are often aware of the importance of taking care of each other and yet can be paralyzed as to what exactly it is that they should do.

To that end, let me share 11 ways that you can take care of your partner’s well being, and they can take care of yours, and keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Learn each other’s love language – and use them.

For those of you who don’t know about love languages, it’s time to learn. There is a reason that I put them first on this list – they are that important.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages – physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. For each person, these love languages are ranked most important to least important. The most important one is the language that makes that person feel loved.

The key to these love languages is that people often give to their partner the thing that makes them feel loved and not the thing that their person needs to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and fissures in relationship can be the result.

Take this quiz and learn your partners love language – you will be glad you did!

#2 – Recognize that mistakes they make aren’t necessarily tied to their feelings for you.

Have you heard (or said) this phrase at any time in your relationship – “If you loved me you would…”? Probably yes.

One of the most insidious things in relationships is that people, particularly women, often take things personally; they believe that their person’s actions are tied to whether or not they love them.

I have a client whose husband promised to look at the windows for their new addition on his way home from work. He didn’t.  He got distracted at the end of his day and just forgot. She was furious and took it as a sign that he didn’t love her. Which was NOT true – he just forgot.

So, recognize that, in spite of behavior that might upset you, your person’s actions aren’t necessarily tied to the amount of love they have for you.

#3 – Be interested in their interests, even if you aren’t really interested.

When people first meet, they make a huge effort to get to know the things that their partner is interested in. For me with my husband, it was steam engines, something that had literally never crossed my mind before I met him. I spent a ton of time going to steam engine events, which were interesting but the real reason that I went was to spend time with my guy.

As the years have passed, I don’t go to steam engine shows with my husband. Even though they are important to him, pretending interest in them to me seems like a waste of time – I would rather be doing something that interests me.

But, I know that I should still be interested in them, for HIM. He really appreciates my interest and loves that I share them with him. So, I do it. And it’s great, for both of us.

#4 – Don’t be passive aggressive.

One of the things that can cause the most damage in a relationship is passive aggression.

Chris Getman, writing for The Agency Arsenal, shared signs of passive aggression as defined by experts. A partial list of those signs include giving backhanded compliments, making wistful comments, playing the victim, not letting things go, sulking, and giving the silent treatment.

The thing is, passive aggression will never make a couple stronger, especially if it used as a means to communicate about issues in a relationship. Not only is it a highly ineffective method of communication, it is one that, if used regularly, will slowly erode the health of any relationship.

take care of each other's feelings

#5 – Celebrate their successes, big and small.

Again, when we first get into a relationship, we are happy to celebrate our partner’s accomplishments. After all, we love them dearly and are so happy when they are doing well.

Unfortunately, as relationships go one, people get apathetic. While they might see that their partner is doing something that merits celebration, and they are happy for them, they might fail to celebrate them, even just with words of recognition. As a result, a partner can feel alone in their success, something that doesn’t feel very good.

So celebrate your partners successes, the big ones and the small.

#7 – Remember, no one means to hurt someone else.

It is rare in a relationship that one person sets out to hurt the other person. After all, with a few exceptions (namely passive aggressive people), no one wants to hurt someone else, especially someone they care about.

When your partner hurts you, for reasons big and small, try to remember that what has happened is most likely a mistake, not something that was premeditated to cause you pain. If we get to the point in a relationship that we feel like our person is out to hurt us, it’s hard to feel safe. And this lack of safety is a key factor in the demise of many a relationship.

#8 – Acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are authentic.

Be honest. Does your partner sometimes try to tell you how they are feeling and do you scoff and tell them that they are wrong to feel that way? That if they could just see things from your point of view they would feel differently? Or perhaps that their feelings aren’t authentic and that they are trying to manipulate you?

More often than not, when someone expresses their feelings, they are expressing how they truly feel. They might not be very good at expressing these feelings but they are feelings that they are feeling. In a healthy relationship, their partner will listen to the expression of these feelings and recognize their authenticity. They might not agree with them, but they won’t tell them that they are wrong.

So, next time your partner shares their feelings, tell them that you hear them. Making your partner feel heard is a key to keeping your relationship happy!

#9 – Don’t take each other for granted.

This is a big one that happens in relationships – that we start to take each other for granted.

I know that, when I was married and my ex and I were having struggles, I always just took it for granted that we would have time “later” to figure things out; that he would always be there. And I was wrong. Because I took him for granted, when “later” came, it was too late.

Be honest with yourself. Do you take your partner for granted? Do you take the things that they do for you for granted? Do you give them the attention that they need and deserve for their presence in your life? If not, give them that attention. Let them know how much you appreciate them.

#10 – Give them space to flourish.

In many relationships, couples become so entwined in each other’s lives that each of them slowly loses a sense of themselves, of who they were before they became a couple. And, because of this, they stop flourishing individually, something that is one of the keys to individual happiness.

It is important that each partner give the other person the opportunity to pursue their own interests, to do the things that they love to do, the things that give them joy.

Many people believe that a happy couple is one who spends all of their time together. I have a friend who I hadn’t seen for years whose husband always posts happy pictures of them on Facebook, so I assumed she was happy. When I saw her recently I learned the truth – she was miserable. She still loved her husband but being with him every minute of every day was just too hard for her.

So, give each other some space. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

#11 – Don’t forget the importance of physical touch.

According to the health and wellness experts at Carl Todd Clinics, physical touch is a key to a happy life. When someone is not getting touched, they are experiencing something that they call “physical touch starvation.” When this occurs, people can become depressed, anxious and lonely. Obviously, in a relationship, this kind of starvation is not good.

Physical touch produces “feel good” chemicals in our body, like oxytocin and dopamine, ones that can help reduce loneliness and improve mental health.

It’s important to remember that physical touch is not just about sex. It can be hugs or holding hands or patting someone on the butt. All of these things create good feelings, ones that can only make a relationship better.

So there you go – 11 ways couples can take care of each other’s well being and keep their relationship strong.

Good for you for reading this far. I know that you want to make sure that your relationship is strong and healthy and that it will last a lifetime.

So, go for it! You can do it!

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