5 Things To Do NOW to Get Over a Break Up and Move On

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Ok! You have decided that it ‘ s time to get over a break up and move on.

Whether your break up was sudden or your relationship had been dying a slow death, getting over a break up can be really difficult. Your life has changed drastically and not being paralyzed by it is very difficult.

Luckily, there are things that you can do now to get over a break up and move on quickly.

#1 – Be determined.

The most important thing to do to ensure that you can effectively get over break up in the quickest amount of time is to be determined. When you are trying to make big change, determination is an essential part of being able to do so.

Let ‘ s say that you are trying to quit eating ice cream. You know that it ‘ s not good for you and it keeps the weight on so you have decided to make a go of it. But your heart isn ‘ t truly in it and you are pretty sure that after a day or two you are going to go right back to indulging. That is because you are ‘ ˜trying to quit, ‘ you haven ‘ t ‘ ˜decided to quit. ‘

Make sure that, if you want to go down this path of doing the hard work to get over a break up, you are determined to do it. If you go in with a half-assed attitude, that you are going to ‘ ˜try ‘ to get over it, you will fail. And when you fail, you will feel even worse about yourself and the end of the relationship.

So, be determined. With determination you can have success.

#2 – Cut them off.

I know, I know. The prospect of cutting the person who you were with out of your life scares the shit out of you. You get a pit in your stomach that is sharp and painful. The anxiety that you feel at the thought of not being in contact with them is overwhelming. I get it.

The thing is is that being in contact with your person is a sure-fire way to not be able to get over them. If you talk to them on the phone, they could talk you into getting back together or you could miss them and take them back, even if you know you shouldn ‘ t.

If you see them on Instagram or Facebook, hiking with friends or hanging out with someone they could possibly be interested in, it will only sabotage your moving on because you will feel like your person has moved on quickly and that just won ‘ t feel good.

If you hang out places where you know you will see them you will be tempted to talk to them or you will miss them from afar. And, if it ‘ s at a bar especially, you could do something that might set you back in a big way.

So, push past the pain and anxiety and cut your person off. It will hurt in the short run but it will make a really big difference for you being able to successfully get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Write it down.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a break up and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas they drank way too much and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#4 – Mourn.

I bet that your friends and family are telling you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ And I agree that moving on is important so that you can find happiness – it is out there, I promise!

That being said, it ‘ s important that we mourn the end of a relationship. When we get together with someone we have huge hopes and dreams. If we are together for a while, we have experiences together, good and bad. When we break up, we lose someone in our lives, someone that we had hoped might be with us forever.

So, take some time. Be sad. Be angry. Be hurt. Eat ice cream on the couch while binge watching The Umbrella Factory. Feel the pain. And then let it go.

If you stuff all of the pain that you are feeling over this break up down into your body, it will very hard to release it. It ‘ s important that we feel the feelings and then let them go. Only by doing so can we get over a break up and move on.

Another key part of the mourning process is taking stock of what went wrong and the role that you played in it. You will be in another relationship someday and you don ‘ t want to make the same mistakes twice. Whether it ‘ s choosing the wrong person or being clingy or whatever, making the same mistakes twice will only hurt you in the end.

#5 – Be active.

One of the worst things that we can do when we are trying to get over a break up and move on is to sit around the house feeling sorry for ourselves.

I know that in this time of Covid-19 it ‘ s hard to spend lots of time with friends and family but it is essential that you make every effort to do so. Even an afternoon in the park, social distancing but interacting, can make a big difference for you. Instead of focusing on your break up you can put your energy out there to people who love you.

Exercise is also a key part of getting past a break up. Raising your heartbeat, sweating and pushing yourself physically, all raise dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a ‘ ˜feel good ‘ chemical and when it is coursing through your body you are just going to feel better. So, even if it ‘ s just taking a walk, get some exercise. Your brain will be glad you did.

Finally, while I know that you aren ‘ t yet ready to get into another relationship, it is important that you consider putting yourself back out there. There is no reason why you can ‘ t dress up, flirt and get to meet new people. Doing so will give you hope that there are other people out there for you and that this break up doesn ‘ t have to derail you for good.

Knowing that it is possible to get over a break up and move on gives one hope.

I know that the future doesn ‘ t seem bright right now but I promise you that these feelings won ‘ t last forever.

Ask yourself how determined you are to do this. Cut your ex out of your life completely and take stock of the reasons that you had to. Take some time and feel your feelings around the relationship and make sure that you spend time with people who do love you, doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

I know that things don ‘ t feel good right now but you have read this article in it ‘ s entirety so that makes me think that you are ready.

You can do this! I know you can.

Why Letting Go of Love and Being Friends Is (Mostly) Impossible

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It ‘ s funny how the idea of letting go of love and being friends is one that gives us hope.

You know what I mean – the ‘ ˜maybe we can just be friends ‘ concept. The promise that the connection will continue even if the romance and intimacy end. The idea of it makes letting go of someone not so harsh.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is a lovely one but, in my experience, it is (mostly) impossible to do so.

Let me tell you why ‘ ¦

#1 – Sex changes everything.

Have you ever found yourself in bed with someone who you considered a good friend? Did the friendship somehow evolve into something more, either intentionally or by happenstance? Most of us have at one point in our lives.

What happened to that friendship after sex was introduced into the mix? I bet things changed.

Why? It ‘ s actually chemistry. The act of sex, and the hormones that run rampant, connect people in a way that nothing else does. Furthermore, the hormones can cloud our judgement and actually make us attached to someone in a way that might not actually be authentic. Women especially, after having sex with someone, become attached in a way they weren ‘ t before.

Taking this idea into account, imagine it in the reverse – going from being in a hormonally charged sexual relationship with someone and then stepping back and eliminating that part of your relationship completely. Imagine being in the same room with your person and not touching them. Imagine watching them seduce someone else and knowing exactly what that looks like? How could you somehow not feel bad, to some degree, after having shared an intimacy with that person?

I have a male friend who I dated for about two minutes. He is one of my best friends and we share everything but we agree that if we had had sex, if we had connected so intimately, we wouldn ‘ t have been able to be so honest with each other. The sex would have altered our relationship, whether we wanted it to or not.

#2 – The thousand little cuts.

Relationships don ‘ t fall apart because everything is hunky-dory. Relationships fall apart for many reasons but one of the most common ones is a slow and steady death.

This slow and steady death involves a thousand little cuts, daily hurts, big and small, that gradually tear the fabric of the relationship, leaving it tattered and useless.

You know what I mean. When he doesn ‘ t call when he says he will or when she spends more time with her sister than with you or when you disagree on how much to spend on a TV or when he chooses his work over you. Those thousand little cuts, things that hurt a little but, when accumulated, lead to the death of a relationship.

Now, think about being in a friendship with someone who had hurt you over and over and over. Would you keep a friend who had done so? Friendship is about love and trust and mutual support – how can you have that with someone who treated you badly, and who you might have treated badly in return.

So, as you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is an option for you, think about how much pain is between you and if that is something that you want to carry with you going forward.

#3 – Attachment disparity.

In my work as a life coach, couples who want to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ are couples who struggle with an attachment disparity, an unevenness of feelings that exists after the break up.

What this looks like is often the person doing the breaking up wants to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ only because they think it softens the blow of the breakup. They really have no intentions of being ‘ ˜friends ‘ but they throw it out there, trying to ease the pain for their soon-to-be ex. For the person being broken up with, the desire to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ is often a desperate attempt to not lose their person and to maybe even win them back if they can keep them close.

Is there an attachment disparity in your relationship? Are you reading this article because your heart is broken and you want to hold onto your ex in whatever way you can? Are you dangling the idea of friendship out in front of your ex because you think it will hurt them less, not because you actually want to be friends?

Being friends after a relationship, unless the break up is mutual and there is no attachment remaining, can be (mostly) impossible.

#4 – There will be no moving on.

When relationships end, the first thing that I advise people to do is to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with their ex.

This means no social media, no texting, no going out to places you know they will be, no talking to their friends to find out what your ex is up to. Nothing.

Why? Because it can be impossible to move on if you are still in touch with your ex, if you are seeing how they are getting on with their lives without you, hanging out with old friends, and new, and being successful in life, especially if you are struggling.

So how can you move on if you are trying to maintain a friendship with your ex? How can you stop looking to the past and missing what was instead of looking to the future and what could be? How does watching your ex flirt with another person at the end of the bar make you feel anything more than less than? How can you truly be available to another person if you are still hanging on to your ex?

Moving on after a break up is the key to future happiness. Being friends with your ex is a surefire way to prevent that moving on from happening.

#5 – Your new relationship could be dead on arrival.

Let ‘ s say you get involved with a new someone, someone you see a real future with. And let ‘ s say that your new person introduces you to someone they used to date, an ex who is now a ‘ ˜friend. ‘ How would that make you feel? Honestly?

I am lucky enough to have found a man who is secure enough with himself that he is not threatened by my male friendships but for many people, old lovers being friends is not acceptable.

Men and women, both, can be uncomfortable with the shared intimacy that this friend and you shared. They picture you holding hands and talking about the future. They see the connection that you have from being more than friends once. They wonder if there are still feelings between you, ones that threaten the viability of the new relationship.

Is being your ex ‘ s friend important enough to threaten a relationship that you could have with someone who could actually make you happy and give you the future you want? Think about that before you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is the thing for you.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is an attractive one.

When we are connected to someone the idea of losing them can be so painful that we hold on to whatever we can so that pain is eased. But really, having a true friendship with an ex is next to impossible.

Having had sex, having hurt each other, having feelings for someone that might not be reciprocated, having the ability to move on and being able to have a successful relationship in the future are all things that indicate that being friends with your ex can be impossible.

I am friends with many of my exes. We weren ‘ t friends at the time of the break up but, as time passed and life went on, we reconnected. And I do care about these guys but they aren ‘ t truly my friends. Not in the way my girlfriends are. They have hurt me and I have hurt them and there is a degree of separation that exists between us because of that. Yes, I am Facebook friends with them and we occasionally text but truly our time has passed and I am very lucky to have the life I have now. One that I found all by myself without their friendship in my life.

So, think long and hard before taking this ‘ ˜friendship ‘ step. You will be glad you did!

How To Let Go Of Obsessive Love Before it Destroys You

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Learning how to let go of obsessive love is an essential part of living a happy life.

Obsessions with anything, whether it be alcohol, ice cream, gambling or video games, can wreak havoc on your life. Obsessive love it even worse because your heart is involved and when your heart is involved, the pain is more intense.

Knowing how to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you is how we get out of a love that is causing us pain and move forward to find true love and happiness. Good for you for reading this article! It ‘ s the first step to living the life you want.

#1 – Be determined.

When we want to let go of obsessive love the first step is to get clear on how determined we are to do it.

Letting go of any love, but especially one that is obsessive, is very difficult and if you don ‘ t have the determination that is necessary to take the steps, it won ‘ t be even worth trying.

So, ask yourself how determined are you to let go of this obsessive love? Are you just at the beginning, wondering if perhaps it ‘ s time to work to let go? Have you been thinking about this for a while but are not yet sure that you are willing to take the steps? Or perhaps has the pain gotten so bad that you know that you must do this to save your life?

Again, to do this work and to be successful with letting go of love, you must be determined – willing to work through the pain and stick with the process so that you can let go and be happy.

So, are you determined? If yes, then on to step number 2!

#2 – Be realistic.

For many of my clients, the object of their obsessive love is not someone who is good to them, someone who treats them the way they should be treated. Instead, their person is someone who treats them indifferently, or perhaps unkindly, who makes them doubt themselves and who renders them miserable more often than not.

I have a client whose partner is a narcissistic, alcoholic. He regularly gaslights her, making her believe that their problems are her fault. He comes and goes as he pleases. He sucks her back in with loving words but then disappears again when he gets bored. He has no friends and struggles to maintain a good relationship with his children.

My client doesn ‘ t see this. Yes, she struggles with pain during the times that he mistreats her but what she holds onto is the good things – the times when he treats her right and when they are happy. She has created a person in her head who he is not and it is that person, the good person, who she is obsessed with.

Is your partner someone who you should love the way you do? Is your partner someone who you would encourage a friend to be with should the shoe be on the other foot? Do you hold onto the person who they were when you first met, believing that that is the person they truly are and that if you just love them enough you will get back to being that person?

If you can take a good look at who your lover really is, someone who mistreats you and makes you miserable, then you are way more likely to be able to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you!

#3 – Set a time line.

I always encourage people to go no contact when they are trying to let go of obsessive love. To block them on their phone, to disconnect with them on social media and to stay away from places they frequent. This is the MOST important part of letting go because if you aren ‘ t in contact with your person, it will be way easier to let them go because they won ‘ t have the ability to suck you back in again with their words and actions. You also won ‘ t feel the pain of seeing that they have gone on with their lives without you.

Going no contact can be extremely difficult to do.

With one of my clients, I encouraged her to set up a time line for disconnecting with her boyfriend, one where she would gradually disconnect from him in a way that would be less painful for her. We agreed that she would immediately block him on her phone, so that she wouldn ‘ t be tempted by his voice and his words. She would continue to look at his social media for a week. At the beginning of the next week, she would shut down Instagram. At the beginning of the third week she would shut down Snapchat. On the fourth week she would post her profile on Hitch.

This process would continue until she was disconnected from him completely. Doing this allowed her to go no contact without the intense pain she was afraid of.

Of course, creating a gradual time line doesn ‘ t work for everyone. Personally, cold turkey is the only thing that works for me. It might be the only thing that works for you too.

#4 – Reconnect.

For many of us who have an obsessive love, we lose contact with friends and family because we literally spend every waking day hoping to hear from our person or orchestrating events that would lead to interaction with them.

I had a client who was involved with a married man. She thought about nothing but him morning, noon and night. As a result, she no longer saw her friends. The things that she used to do with them she no longer did because she sat at home, waiting for him to call. Gradually, her friends stopped reaching out because she was never available.

What we need more than anything, as we work to let go of obsessive love, is our friends. Our friends can listen to our words of sadness, can help distract us from the pain of letting go and help us face the reality of who our person really is, not the person we have created in our head.

So, reach out TODAY to some of your friends. Make a plan to get together. Apologize if necessary, explaining to them what has happened to you. Friends will always be there for you and now you need them more than anything.

#5 – Push back on the pain.

One of the biggest reasons that we have such a hard time letting go of love is because we are afraid of the pain that we will feel if we do so. The human fear of pain is so intense because we literally need it to survive. The fear of pain prevents us from sticking our hand in a fire or cutting ourselves with a knife or throwing ourselves off a cliff because we are scared about the prospect of that pain.

This same idea is why we don ‘ t want to break up with someone – we fear the pain that we will feel if we walk away.

To combat this, I would encourage you to take stock of your life, to take a good look at all you have in the world, to take a good look at who you are as a person.

Think about the person you were before you met this person. I know that the obsessive love that I carried for a man made me feel like a completely different person. Before I met him I was a confident and brave woman who owned her own business and took shit from no one. Two years later, I was a woman who sat at home, waiting for his call, feeling pathetic and full of self-loathing because I had become this person.

Yes, you will feel some pain if you walk away from this person, but how good would it feel to be that person you were before? Would suffering the inevitable pain, which will ease with time, be worth it if you could be back to who you had been, living an authentic life? I know it was for me and here I am today, back to the confident woman I was before, this time with the love of my life, the man who treats me like a queen, at my side!

I know that the idea of having to let go of an obsessive love is scary.

I know that you think you will never be happy again if you do so but I know that you are moving towards being ready because you are reading this article.

Take some time and decide how determined you are to do this. If you are ready to do the work, take stock of the person you love – are they who you think they are? Are you ready to step away from all interactions with them? Are you looking forward to reconnecting with your friends and yourself?

I know that you can do this. I know that you can let go of obsessive love and live the life you have always wanted, full of love and happiness.

Take the steps now and make it happen!

How to Infidelity Proof Your Marriage To Keep it Healthy and Strong

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Are you looking for ways to infidelity proof your marriage so that you can be happy and your marriage will last forever?

Have you married the person of your dreams and do you want to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship solid and healthy and infidelity proof?

Infidelity is something that no one sets out to do in a marriage – it is something that is often borne of unhappiness in a relationship, of a disconnect that has grown over time. Of course, some people are just chronically unfaithful but, more often than not, there are things that can be done to keep your marriage strong and protect it against the risk of infidelity.

Luckily, learning the tools to infidelity proof your marriage is not difficult and there are things that you can put to use immediately so that your relationship can go stronger quickly.

Here are 5 ways to infidelity proof your marriage NOW.

#1 – Share.

I know, I know. Every blog that you have read says that communication is the key to every healthy relationship. The reason that every blog says this is because it ‘ s the truth.

Think of every marriage that you know that is unhealthy. Looking in from the outside, do you see an inability to communicate, to share feelings, to explain when they have been wronged, to address how they feel about an issue or even to ask for what they want?

Do you see people who aren ‘ t willing to be vulnerable and tell their person how they feel about them or that their person is causing them pain? Do you see people who share their deepest thoughts and emotions with others but keep their partner in the dark?

Every healthy marriage is based on the ability to communicate with each other in a meaningful way, to speak up when something is bothering them, to feel safe knowing that if you do speak you won ‘ t be attacked, to know that your person will listen to you with an open heart.

So, set up healthy communication with your spouse and infidelity proof your marriage from the outset.

#2 – Maintain trust.

The number one way to strengthen your relationship so that nothing can break it apart is to establish trust and maintain it. When trust is lost, it ‘ s hard to regain. When trust is lost, it is easy for a marriage to fall apart and for infidelity to be a risk.

Trust can be lost in big ways and small. Big ones, of course, include infidelity and betrayal. It is the small ones, surprisingly, that can be most destructive to a marriage.

A client of mine had a husband who was always making her promises. He said he would go look at new windows for their house but went to the office instead. He said that he would take out the garbage but watched the game instead. He promised to be home in time for dinner but rarely was.

One small instance at a time, by saying he would do something but then not do it, my client ‘ s husband eroded her trust in him. As time went on, she trusted him less and less until, one day, she found herself with one foot out of the marriage. She no longer felt like she could be with someone she couldn ‘ t trust.

So, think hard about maintaining trust in your relationship. Whether it ‘ s about big things or small, when trust is lost it ‘ s almost impossible to regain.

#3 – Assume nothing.

I can ‘ t tell you how many clients of mine have told me, when I ask them how they communicate their feelings to their spouses, that they don ‘ t need to tell their partners that they love them ‘ ˜because they know. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how of my clients spend weekends with their parents or take walks with their friends or watch TV alone in the living room, assuming that it ‘ s okay with their partner that they not be doing things together.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients treat their partners with contempt and disregard, assuming that they will always be there, no matter how they are spoken to.

One of the things that happens in marriage is that, after a while, we start to take each other for granted. In the beginning, we stay constantly in touch, we spend time together, we share our feelings, we include each other in activities. As time goes on, we become less attentive and fall into a pattern of taking our spouses for granted.

Taking each other for granted will NOT infidelity proof your marriage. It will, instead, leave it highly vulnerable to someone from the outside stepping in.

If you want to infidelity proof your marriage, make sure that you never assume ANYTHING in your relationship. Don ‘ t assume that your person knows you love them – tell them! Don ‘ t assume that your person doesn ‘ t want to spend time with you or is okay with you disappearing every Sunday morning. Don ‘ t assume that your person will just take whatever you dish out and be there for you when you need them.

When you are done with this article, go find your person and kiss them, make plans for a hike in the morning and thank them for taking out the garbage. It could change everything for you.

#4 – Be honest. Always.

Has anyone ever said to you ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because I didn ‘ t want to hurt you? ‘ Or perhaps ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because it didn ‘ t seem important? ‘ Or even ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you for your own good? ‘

All of these things are examples of LIES – sometime lies with good intentions but lies nonetheless.

It is essential that, to infidelity proof your marriage, you always be honest with your partner about everything – everything.

If you go out with an old beau for dinner, be honest with your person and tell them. If you put a dent in the car, don ‘ t blame it on someone else. If you don ‘ t like broccoli, don ‘ t pretend that you do. If Sundays at his mothers are too much for you, don ‘ t pretend they aren ‘ t.

When you don ‘ t tell the truth to your spouse, you automatically put up a wall between the two of you. You have something that you aren ‘ t sharing with your partner and that will only create some distance between the two of you. And when there is distance, distrust often follows. And lack of trust, as we know, can kill a relationship.

So, NEVER lie to your spouse. Even for ‘ ˜their own good. ‘

#5 – Get physical.

This last way infidelity proof your marriage is a fun one. Getting physical.

Getting physical, in many forms, is the glue that can hold a relationship together. When touch stops, marriages can founder.

While I do include sex when I talk about getting physical, what I really mean is the everyday little things. The pat on the butt when walking through the kitchen, the kiss before leaving in the morning, holding hands on a walk, spooning at bedtime. All of these wonderful things count as touching.

What happens when we touch someone is profound. While our intellects are always processing our interpersonal interactions, touch is something primal, something that affects our emotions in a way that our brains cannot.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can help a relationship in profound ways. Hugs make the body produce ‘ ˜oxytocin, ‘ a feel good chemical. Hugs make us feel safe and secure. Hugs say a lot without words. Hugs mend in a way that words can ‘ t always do.

So, make an effort to keep your hands on your partner. Of course, not all the time but as often as is right for both of you. The non-verbal communication that happens with touch can infidelity proof your marriage in a way that more intellectual efforts cannot.

Knowing ahead of time how to infidelity proof your marriage is an excellent way of setting it up for success.

Much like learning how to drive a car or be successful at work, knowing the rules around a marriage can keep yours healthy and strong.

So, make an effort to talk to your person, open and honestly, to never make assumptions, to work to maintain trust on both sides, to always tell the truth and to use the non-verbal communication of touch to let your partner know how you feel.

Love is grand. If you have found that special someone to love forever, do what you need to do to keep infidelity proof your marriage and live happily ever after.

You can do it! I know you can!

5 Key Behaviors that Help Build A Healthy Relationship after Infidelity

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Have you or your partner had an affair and are you now wondering if you can have a healthy relationship after infidelity?

Many people say no, that it is not possible to be happy after a partner has strayed but I believe that it is possible to get past an affair and be happy again.

Having a healthy relationship after infidelity is something to strive for but it won ‘ t happen without a lot of hard work and patience.

Here are 5 key behaviors to make sure are part of your relationship so that you, too, can get through this time together, as a couple.

#1 – Resolve.

First and foremost, both members of a relationship need to be resolved to make this relationship work.

Often times, after an affair, the person who strayed is only interested in putting the affair behind them and moving on. The person who was betrayed is often harder to convince. They are left with questions, ones that often go unanswered, self doubt, lack of trust and serious doubts about the future.

If both partners aren ‘ t resolved to work on recovering their relationship, there is no way it can happen.

I have a client whose partner strayed twice. She feels horribly betrayed but is willing to work to get their marriage back on track. Her husband simply wants the affair to disappear and for everything to go back to normal. He says he wants to do the work and is willing to go to a therapist but his heart isn ‘ t really in it. As a result, she is frustrated, even more hurt and questioning the future of her marriage.

So, unless both members are determined to do the work, the chances of having an healthy relationship after infidelity are minimal.

#2 – Communicate.

As I say in EVERY blog I write, communication in any healthy relationship is of utmost importance. Without communication, relationships are doomed to fail.

After an affair, communication becomes even more important. What I have seen in almost all of my clients who have been betrayed is the desire to understand the how and why of the affair.

How did you meet? Where did you meet? Why did you meet? How long have I been lied to? Did you laugh about me while you did this? Will this happen again? How will things be different this time?

In many cases, the person who had the affair isn ‘ t willing, or able, to answer those questions. Often times, affairs just happen – they literally sneak up on the two people and before you know it, a relationship has been betrayed. When this happens, it’s hard to answer the ‘ ˜why. ‘ Also, people who have affairs often feel so guilty and ashamed that they don ‘ t want to talk about it. They know they have let down and betrayed their partner and they are mortified.

No matter what the reason it might be difficult to talk about an affair, to answer the questions that might come up, it is essential that both are done. Honesty and transparency are the keys to how a couple can rebuild a healthy relationship after infidelity.

So, make an effort to address each others questions. If it is difficult to do so, dig deep and try. If you can ‘ t, it is important that you get the help of a therapist or a life coach who can help you draw out the answers.

#3 – Understand.

It is very important for both members of a relationship to understand, and accept, how the other is feeling.

The person who has been betrayed is full of questions, struggling with self doubt, angry, sad, scared, lacking in confidence and generally confused and overwhelmed by what has happened to their lives.

The person who has strayed is often wracked with self loathing, guilt, sadness, fear, confusion and remorse.

Both of these people ‘ s feelings are real and need to be acknowledged and accepted. People who have been betrayed often feel that their partner ‘ s feelings aren ‘ t warranted or relevant and push back against them. Betrayers often get angry with their partner for their intense feelings and want it to all go away.

By acknowledging and accepting each other ‘ s emotions, each of the people will feel heard and seen, key parts of developing the building blocks for a healthy relationship after infidelity.

#4 – Enjoy.

I know that this seems inconceivable right now but it is really important that you both, when you are ready, make an effort to enjoy each other ‘ s company.

There was a time when you were in love, when there were many things that you enjoyed doing together. These things connected you and helped make your love stronger.

I have a client who genuinely enjoys being with his partner but still struggles with accepting the affair. Last time we talked he did say to me, very clearly, that he and his wife were still good friends and that gave him hope that they could work through everything and reconnect.

So, if you feel like you can, with authenticity, strive to do the things together that used to make you feel connected. Picnics, trips to a bookstore, a musical event or a hike – anything else that will make you both remember that once you liked each other and that there is hope that you will again.

#5 – Touch.

I know that the idea of touching your partner after their betrayal is inconceivable but it is an essential part of building a healthy relationship after infidelity.

I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the simple things – hand holding, hugging, brushing up against each other in the kitchen. Touch is the thing that can keep couples together more than anything.

Make up sex is a perfect example of this. After an argument, many couples like to have sex. They do because the physical connection draws them back together. The sex connects them in a way that words can not and helps settle the argument and the hard feelings left afterwards.

Again, I am not saying that you need to have sex with your person right away but I am encouraging you to hug them. They say that a 10 second hug everyday can help a couple keep their relationship healthy and strong.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship after infidelity.

Infidelity rocks our world in a way that almost nothing else can. And believing that you can get past it and be happy again might seem impossible from where you sit now. But you can do it!

If you and your partner are both determined, if you are able to communicate in a healthy way, if you are able to acknowledge and accept the other ‘ s feelings, if you seek out things that you enjoy doing together and if you can explore touching each other again, you have an excellent chance of having that healthy relationship that you seek.

I know it seems hard right now but I promise you, you can do it!

5 Things to Do (And to Not Do) When Your Spouse is Feeling Depressed

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When your spouse is feeling depressed it can feel like the world is ending. Watching your loved one suffer and feeling helpless in the face of it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Fortunately, when your spouse is feeling depressed, there are things that you can do to support them through it. Almost more importantly, there are things that you definitely shouldn ‘ t do to help your person manage and get through their depression.

Here are 5 of things you can do and 5 things you shouldn’t do.

#1 – Acknowledge but don ‘ t fix.

When you see your spouse feeling depressed, it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t run away from them.

Dealing with depression and sadness is daunting and the instinct is often to run away because we don ‘ t know what to do.

The most important thing for you to do when your spouse is feeling depressed is to acknowledge to them that you see that they are depressed. Just knowing that your partner is aware of how you are feeling can help people manage their depression.

Once you have acknowledged their depression, is it important that you don ‘ t try to talk your partner out of it. Don ‘ t say ‘ ˜but your life is great, why are you depressed? ‘ or ‘ ˜it ‘ s such a pretty day out – be happy ‘ or ‘ ˜snap out of it. ‘

All of those things will only serve to let your spouse know that you don ‘ t, in fact, understand the place they are in and it will only make them feel worse because they know all those things to be true but can ‘ t snap out of it nonetheless.

So, when your spouse is feeling depressed, acknowledge what you see but don ‘ t, don ‘ t, don ‘ t try to fix it

#2 – Give them space, if they want it.

Many of us, when we are feeling depressed, need some space to help manage it.

It ‘ s a lot of work trying to be positive for someone when we are depressed so giving us space can be very helpful.

That being said, giving us too much space can make us feel alone and even more mired in our depression so it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t abandon us completely.

Perhaps you could go for a run and then come home and just be in the house, not being overly cheerful but checking in on your person to let them know you are there. Perhaps you could suggest a movie to take your partner ‘ s mind off of the depression, even if just temporarily.

Ask your partner what they want as far as space. Hopefully they can be self aware and let you know what they need. Once you know, making every effort to give it to them will help them manage the depression and hopefully ride it out.

#3 – Make a plan and stick to it.

What I did so that my boyfriend would know what to do when I was struggling with depression is, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I did need when I was feeling down. That way, if I wasn ‘ t able to articulate what I needed when I am feeling depressed then he would have a resource to help him help me.

For me, when I am feeling depressed, there are a few things that always help. They are: a hike, a movie, sex, Pad Thai and a nap. All of those things I know will help me manage my depression. They might not get rid of my depression but the distraction of a movie and a nap, the endorphins produced by a hike and sex and the sheer yumminess of Pad Thai are all things that can help me through.

Once my partner knew what I needed when I was depressed it was way easier for him to help me through it.

So, make a plan with your partner about what they need when they are feeling depressed. Knowing what your spouse needs will make it way easier for you to feel like you are doing good helping them.

#4 – Be positive but be real.

It is important that, when your partner is feeling depressed, you make an effort to be positive. Misery loves company so if you are down when your partner is down, it might make things worse.

That being said, being overly positive, to the point that you are cloying and annoying won ‘ t help at all. Don ‘ t tell them that their life is good, that people love them, that the sun is out, that they have no reason to be unhappy, that they should just snap out of it. None of these things will help and could only make things work. People get depressed, even if all of those things above are true.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, be positive. Tell them that you love them and that you see them and that you accept where they are right now. Tell them that you will be there for them, no matter what.

If you are feeling down yourself, perhaps because your partner is depressed, be honest with them and take some time for yourself. If you can ‘ t be positive, you aren ‘ t good for your spouse.

#5 – Seek help but don ‘ t push.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, it is important to know that help is out there.

Oftentimes, when those we love are struggling, it ‘ s easy to get mired in the now – in the tears, the anger and the chaos that can result when your spouse is feeling depressed.

Fortunately, there are lots of resources out there for both people living with depression and for those who love them. Seeing a therapist or a life coach, getting involved with a support group, talking to your primary care doctor or getting involved with NAMI are all great resources for dealing with depression. Make yourself familiar with them and use them as you see fit.

It is important to know that you can ‘ t force your spouse to get help. Until they are willing to accept that they are depressed and be willing to reach out to a doctor or therapist, any attempts by you to get them help will be useless. What you can do is share the resources that you find with your partner so that they know they are out there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed, they get so hopeless that it ‘ s hard to believe that anything could possibly help. So, make the info available for when they are ready.

When your spouse is feeling depressed it can sometimes feel like the world is ending.

You love your partner but the chaos caused by the depression can be hard to deal with. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help mitigate the damage and perhaps make change going forward.

Make sure you acknowledge your partner’s mood but don ‘ t try to fix it, give them space but not too much, make a plan for how to manage, be positive but not cloying and know that there is help out there.

Depression gets worse the more it goes untreated so it ‘ s important that you pay attention to your spouse ‘ s depression and if you see it getting deeper, consider reaching out to your family doctor for help. They can help you take the first steps towards helping your spouse get better.

5 Expectations To Set For Yourself When Going Through a Break Up

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When you are going through a break up, the prospect of getting on with your life seems completely impossible.

You are alone, in pain, missing your person and you have no hope that you will ever be happy again. Your life is horrible and you aren ‘ t sure how you are going to get through it.

I can promise you that you will get through it. Broken hearts don ‘ t last forever and there are some things that you can do to hasten their mending.

An important piece of getting over your broken heart quicker is to set expectations for yourself when you are going through a break up, expectations that will allow you to be strong in the face of everything that is happening and have hope for the future.

Let me share some excellent expectations that you can set so that you can get well and move one.

#1- You will not reach out.

What I tell my clients who are going through a break up is that the number one most important part of surviving a break up and getting past it is to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘

Many of us seek to be friends with our ex or stalk them on social media or ask their friends how they are – generally just going about our lives as if our ex was still a part of it.

And this never works.

A client of mine, whose boyfriend broke up with her after 8 years, was obsessed with following his Instagram and Facebook feeds. She saw him looking happy, going on with his life and getting a new girlfriend. The hurt that she felt looking at his life was so much that it stopped her from moving on. She stayed obsessed with him and the pain wouldn ‘ t fade.

What I reminded her was that social media didn ‘ t necessarily present the truth of someone ‘ s life and that the information that she saw wasn ‘ t necessarily real. If she could let go of her obsession and not need to know everything about his life, she would be able to move on.

Unfortunately, he started calling her and she started talking to him. They never got back together but they talked with each other regularly, stoking her hopes that they could reunite. A year later, she was still attached to him and in pain.

So, if there is one thing that you take away from this article it ‘ s the importance of not being in contact with your ex – it will only extend the hurt and prevent you from moving on.

#2 – You will not seek closure.

If there is one thing that I don ‘ t believe in it is closure.

I believe that closure is just one more excuse to see your partner again and to try to convince them not to break up with you. When people seek closure it rarely works out the way they want it to and, if it does, the relationship usually ends again somewhere down the line.

If your partner breaks up with you, accept it and move on. They may or may not have told you reasons that satisfy your need to understand why but the reality is is that they no longer want to be with you, for whatever reason.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. Go no contact on day one and you will heal quicker that way.

#3 -You will not play the victim.

For many years, after my ex-husband and I divorced, I played the victim.

I told people that he left me for another person, that he walked away from me and destroyed our family. Woe is me. I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. Please pity me.

The truth of the matter is is that our marriage had not be healthy for a long time. I was unhappy but not yet ready to give up on it. He decided to give up on it first and I was devastated – devastated at being abandoned and at the prospect of my kids being the children of divorce like I was.

What helped me most was when I stopped looking at myself as the one who had been abandoned and started looking at myself as the person who was lucky to get out of a marriage that was making me unhappy. I had been given an opportunity to have a new life and I started relishing it.

By not playing the victim I was able to view myself as a strong woman, one who could live a good and successful life, in spite of the cards that I had been dealt, marriage wise.

#4 – You will take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we go through a break up, we curl up in our beds, eat ice cream and binge watch 1980’s romance movies. And, while this can work for a while because it comforts us, in the long run it will only make the pain of going through a break up worse.

Just yesterday, I was talking to a new client going through a break up and she said that she was going to take the rest of the week off of work because she was sad. I suggested to her that she shouldn ‘ t take those days off. Being at work, which she loved, would keep her busy and with people she cared about, it would give her an opportunity to not reach out to her ex because she would be occupied and it would make her feel good about herself because she wasn ‘ t walking away from her job during this busy time. She loved that idea and off to work she went today, feeling pretty good about yourself.

So, when you are going through a break up, I encourage you to spend a few days wallowing in your pain but then get up and start taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat well and get some sleep. Spend time with the family and friends who love you. Do something that you love to do but that you couldn ‘ t do when you were part of a couple. Dig yourself into your work. Whatever you can do to make you feel better about your place in the world and not mired in sadness about the person who walked away.

#5 – You will keep the faith.

For many clients of mine who are going through a break up they believe that they will never love and be loved again. They feel so badly about themselves that they can ‘ t see any person ever loving them and they can fathom that they could ever truly love someone the way they loved their ex.

I am here to tell you that this never happens. Without exception, every client of mine who has gone through a break up finds someone again. And, more often than not, the person they find is far better than the one who broke up with them. If you do your work after a break up, if you identify what happened and what your role was in it, then you will seek someone who is good for you, nicer to you and a better fit.

So, don ‘ t give up on the fact that you will love and be loved again. Wallow for a bit and then start taking care of yourself. When you are healed, you will put energy out in the world that will attract you to the person you are meant to be with.

I promise.

Setting expectations for yourself when going through a break up is the best way to get through the pain and out the other side intact.

Just lying on the coach wallowing in pain will get you nowhere. But if you make conscious decisions about how you are going to proceed with your life, decisions that you would make around work or exercise or goals, then you are way more likely to have success getting past your break up and moving on.

Go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ immediately, don ‘ t seek closure, don ‘ t play the victim, take care of yourself and don ‘ t give up hope for the future.

A broken heart is one of the worst things that you can go through in your life but you, and only you, can heal it so set yourself some goals and expectations to do so and you will succeed.

You can do it!

What You Need to Know about Surviving Infidelity in a Toxic Marriage

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Surviving a partner ‘ s infidelity can be very difficult but surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage can seem almost impossible.

A toxic marriage is one that is already fraught with all sorts of issues – contempt, fighting, silence and secrets. When you add infidelity into the mix, it is a recipe for disaster.

Fortunately, there are things that, if you are aware of them, can help you navigate surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage. The path that you will be navigating is an unfamiliar one but one that you can get to end of intact, with some awareness and action.

#1 – It ‘ s not about you…

Many people who have been cheated on blame themselves for the infidelity.

They believe that if they had only been nicer or given their partner enough sex or dressed better or lost that 10 pounds that their partner would not have strayed. And this just isn ‘ t the case.

Of course, infidelity doesn ‘ t occur in a void and marriages that are already toxic are especially vulnerable to cheating, but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are to blame for what happened.

Infidelity happens for many reasons but not usually because your partner looks at you and finds you lacking. Cheating happens because the marriage is damaged and someone else comes along who can temporarily distract one partner from the pain. Infidelity is rarely sought out – it finds us in places that we never expected.

So, first and foremost, you are not to blame for your partners infidelity. The responsibility lies squarely on their shoulders. After all, you are in this toxic relationship as well and you never strayed.

Keep this in mind and surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is possible!

#2 – …but it is up to you.

What is your responsibility is deciding what you are going to do next after discovering your partner ‘ s infidelity. This is a key part of getting through this and something that only you can decide.

You have a number of choices.

  • You can decide to leave. Your relationship is already toxic – is it now beyond repair?
  • You can decide to stay and work on your marriage.
  • You can decide to accept that infidelity might be a part of your marriage going forward and just go about your own life.

Which of these things do you want? Perhaps it ‘ s a combination of things that might work. Perhaps you might opt for therapy with the determination that if it doesn ‘ t help you are gone. Perhaps you might walk away until your spouse gets therapy to figure out their issues. Perhaps you accept the infidelity as long as he agrees to offer you something in return.

The options are there – it is up to you to decide what course to take. If you simply sit around, obsessing about the infidelity, all you are going to do is make yourself miserable and your marriage worse.

Make the decision about how you want to move forward and make it happen.

#3 – Remorse is essential.

One thing to help you aid in your decision about what actions to take next is whether or not your partner is remorseful about their actions. Do they accept responsibility for the pain that they have caused you and are they willing and able to make amends? Are they willing to share with you the information that you need, such as where, why and when, so that you can process what happened and decide next steps? Are they willing to stay away from their cheating partner?

If your partner isn ‘ t willing to take responsibility for their actions and be willing to communicate with you openly, there is no chance that getting help and working on your marriage will get you through this. If they blame you for what they did, telling you that it is your fault that they strayed, then you will be forever doomed to having a partner who is playing the victim and making you feel bad about yourself.

Do you want to be in a relationship like that?

#4 – Don ‘ t seek revenge.

When our partners stray, we are often so hurt and angry that we want to act out, to hurt that person the way that they hurt us. And what do we do? We seek revenge.

Revenge comes in many forms. Revenge can be taking the children and leaving. It can be about withholding love and affection. It can be telling the whole world about the infidelity. It can be about being passively aggressive in your interactions with them so that they suffer, drip by drip. Or it can be like Lorena Bobitt, who cut off her husband ‘ s penis (and went to jail) after discovering he had cheated.

Whatever kind of revenge that you are thinking of, DON ‘ T DO IT. It is essential that, in this stressful time, you hold your head up high and act in a way that is irreproachable. Act in a way that won ‘ t give your partner fuel for the fire for blaming you. Act in a way that your friends and family see you as a good person and so they will choose to support you. Act in a way that won ‘ t cause you any remorse down the road.

You are probably feeling pretty bad about yourself right now and, while revenge might feel like the answer, it ‘ s not.

And, actually, the best revenge will be your partner seeing you not falling apart but presenting yourself with grace and dignity in the face of what has happened!

#5 – Get help!

You are going through something that you have never gone through before – recovering from the aftermath of infidelity. While the tendency to go it alone, to heal by yourself, is strong, you have never walked this road before and getting help is essential.

I know that you might be ashamed about what has happened and you are worried that your therapist or life coach will judge you but I can promise you they won ‘ t. Many people go through this every day and a professional will only seek to support you through this time, not judge you. I promise.

Whether its individual therapy or life coaching, marital counseling or some combination of the both, seeking assistance from a professional during these horrible times will set you up for getting through all of this and coming out the other side in a healthy way.

Even if your partner won ‘ t agree to getting help, do it for yourself. You may or may not stay with this person but you will always be with yourself. Knowing how to like and love yourself is a key to being happy, with or without another person.

So, reach out to a therapist or a life coach (perhaps me!) today and get the help that you need processing what has happened and how to move forward.

Surviving infidelity in a toxic marriage is something that can happen, with some self-awareness and action.

No matter what you decide to do, stay or go, it is possible for you to get through this intact and come out the other side happy.

Don ‘ t blame yourself but instead ask yourself what you want to do next. Get a sense of whether or not your partner is remorseful and don ‘ t seek revenge, whether they are or aren ‘ t. And get someone to help you get through these difficult times. You can ‘ t go it alone, even if you want to.

I know it feels like life will never be okay again, but it will be. I promise!

5 Reasons Setting Expectations in a New Relationship is Key to Its Success

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Setting expectations in a new relationship is something that many couples don ‘ t think to do.

When we start a new job, we generally go into it with some expectation of what the job is going to look like and how we can do the work so that we will be successful. When we enter a new relationship, we are following our heart, and our libido, two parts of our body that don ‘ t lend to long term, successful relationships.

Imagine going into your new relationship knowing what you and your partner can and should expect from each other. Imagine not having to guess at what will make your partner happy but knowing because they told you so. Imagine not fighting with your partner over the small stuff and instead enjoying your life together. All of those things can happen if you set expectations.

Why does setting expectations in a new relationship make such a difference? Let me explain ‘ ¦

#1 – You will make conscious decisions.

Relationships are between 2 people, two individuals with lives and histories and issues and habits and friends and fears and hopes. When those two individuals embark on a relationship, their lives are suddenly tossed together into one and sometimes their individual pieces just don ‘ t work together.

Setting expectations can identify those individual pieces and define how they are going to be managed.

I have a client who fell in love with a man who was a recovering alcoholic. A big part of his life was attending Alcoholic Anonymous meetings. While my client understood that this was a part of his life, as their relationship deepened she started resenting the time that he spent at his meetings instead of with her. She felt like if he loved her more, he would want to spend more time with her.

I encouraged her to talk to him about her expectations around time spent and to ask him about how he could balance his meetings and her without jeopardizing either his sobriety or the relationship. They came up with a plan that worked for both of them and she was happy. She knew when he was going to meetings and when he would be with her and she no longer felt threatened by them.

By identifying and addressing the meetings proactively, my client was able to stave off a potential long term issue with her guy.

#2 – You won ‘ t feel let down.

One of the most difficult things to manage in a relationship is being let down. To have someone not do what you expect them to do and feeling let down because of it.

Many, many couples struggle with this issue and the number one reason for let down is because people don’t know what their partner expects of them. They make assumptions about what their partner wants and they are wrong. And, because they are guessing and are wrong, they let their partner down, even if they don ‘ t mean to. By setting expectations, we can prevent the let down that comes from trying and failing to guess what your partner wants.

One day, the husband of one of my clients called his wife to ask if she needed anything on the way home. She didn ‘ t need anything but was so glad that he called to ask. And then, he never did it again. Because he had done it that once, she hoped that he would do it again and when he didn ‘ t, repeatedly, it started to really bug her and she got very resentful.

I asked her if he knew that she wanted him to call at the end of the day. She said that she assumed that he did because he asked that one time. I suggested that maybe he didn ‘ t realize that it was important to her because that one time she didn ‘ t need anything. I suggested that maybe if she asked him to do it regularly that he would be happy to oblige.

And she did and he did and they were happy!

Setting expectations in a new relationship, and an old one, is an excellent way to prevent let down and resentment.

#3 – You will know where to make change.

For many people in a relationship, a lot of time is spent stabbing around in the dark, trying to figure out what the other person needs. A lot of that time is wasted and, as a result, relationships get into a lot of trouble. Imagine knowing what exactly your partner expected of you and thereby knowing what you needed to do differently to make them happy.

In the example above, as soon as my client told her husband how much she appreciated it when he called on his way home, her husband knew exactly what he could do differently to make his wife happy. One small phone call could change the course of his evening, and his life. So, he made the change and all was good.

Don ‘ t expect your partner to change if they don ‘ t know what they need to do to change. Tell them so they can do so!

#4 – You can address issues.

Once you have succeeded in setting expectations in a new relationship you will have a road map of what you want your relationship to look like. Each person will have a clear expectation about what their role will be in the relationship and they will be able to act accordingly.

Of course, the best laid plans can fall apart and expectations can go unmet. But, if the expectations have been set and agreed upon, when they aren ‘ t met it is easier to see what the issue is.

Think of expectations as a relationship contract – a signed agreement of what you intend to do for each other. In any contract, there is an agreement between each side, what each will do to meet the contract. If that contract is violated then there will be consequences. If a carpet isn ‘ t delivered, the carpet company provides a refund. If a contractor ‘ s work is shoddy, they fix it. If your wife agrees to not complain about your weekly golf game and she does, you are allowed to address it.

Setting relationship expectations in a new relationship will allow you to be able to be specific when addressing issues that arise when the expectations are unmet. Instead of being able to say ‘ ˜I am angry with you ‘ you can say ‘ ˜I am upset that you didn ‘ t hold up your end of our agreement and let ‘ s address it. ‘

Which would be more effective in solving conflict, do you think?

#5 – You will know how to succeed.

The best part of setting expectations in a new relationship is being able to celebrate when the expectations are met. For many people, all they want is to make the person they love happy. When the person you love is happy, you are happy. When the person you love is unhappy, life can be miserable.

If you know what your partners expectations are, you will be able to make the choice whether or not to meet those expectations and make them happen. And if you do choose to meet those expectations, relationship happiness, and all the good things that come with it, will be yours for the taking.

Which would be a better way to end the day: sulking because of unmet expectations or not sulking and having a little fun?

Setting expectations in a new relationship is an excellent way to ensure that your relationship can be a happy one.

By defining clear expectations so that everyone knows their role in the relationship, by not letting each other down and creating resentment, by understanding where to make change, how to deal with issues and how to celebrate your success, you are taking steps to keep your relationship a healthy and happy one.

Don ‘ t be fooled by thinking that any couple in love should just be able to know what the other wants. That is the stuff of fairy tales.

Know what your person wants and needs and make sure they know yours and that is how fairy tales come true!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really want your new relationship to be a happy one.

Let me help you, NOW, before issues arise.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things That Women Want From Men Other Than Chocolate and Flowers

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Many of my male clients are completely stumped by what women want from men. Truly it amazes me watching them stab around in the dark, not knowing what they can do to make their women know that they love them.

One of my clients told me about how he was going to give his girlfriend a vacuum cleaner for her birthday. I directed him to the local jewelry and greeting card stores. What she wanted, I told him, was not the practical but the emotional.

I know that ‘ ˜emotional ‘ is tough for guys so I thought I would break down 5 easy things that women want from men so that you can do them and make your woman feel loved. I know it seems hard to grasp sometimes but what women want from men isn ‘ t really that complicated.

#1 – Use your words.

I can ‘ t tell you how many women wish that their men would use their words more often.

They wish that their men would tell them that they look nice when they are dressed up, that their success at work is remarkable, that their golf game was dead on, that the dinner they cooked was tasty.

Earned compliments such as these make a woman feel good about themselves. Knowing that someone they love is noticing their successes means the world to them and makes them feel secure with themselves.

Furthermore, it makes women happy when men verbalize their appreciation for the things that their women consistently do for them. A client of mine always supported her man when he needed to work late but he never acknowledged it. Another made an effort to look nice whenever she saw her guy so he knew that he was worth the effort but he never seemed to notice. Another client helped pick up her boyfriend ‘ s kids from school but he never thanked her. All of those things they did for love and none of their guys verbalized their appreciation of their efforts.

So many men say ‘ ˜I don ‘ t need to tell her I appreciate her. She knows. ‘ And while your woman might know that you appreciate her, she still wants to hear you say it. She wants to know that you see what she does out of love for you and that you recognize how special it is.

Don ‘ t assume that your woman knows how you feel – tell her. Even if it ‘ s hard for you to express how you ‘ ˜feel ‘ about her, you can recognize her successes and the things that she does for you, using your words.

#2 – Be affectionate.

One of the things that women want from men is that they be affectionate.

You might find it surprising that many men have hesitations about being affectionate with their women. For many of them, their understanding of relationships comes from watching their parents. If there were any intimacy issues with their parents, such as withholding affection if chores weren ‘ t done, that is what a man thinks a relationship should look like. Because of this, being intimate can be hard for them because he mighthave never seen what healthy intimacy might be.

Unfortunately, for women, if their man pulls their hand away when she is reaching for it or turns away when she goes in for a hug, she feels like he doesn ‘ t love her or isn ‘ t attracted to her. And these kind of thoughts can breed an insecurity that can cause havoc in a relationship.

If you struggle with touching your partner, talk to her about it. If she can understand where you are coming from, and you can understand her needs around affection, it will reduce her insecurity and talking about it might bring about change in how you feel about intimacy. That will make your girl happy.

#3 – Don’t try to fix us.

One of the biggest issues that can arise in relationships is the difference in needs of women and men when it comes to dealing with things.

When women are faced with struggles, part of how they deal with them is processing the emotions around the issue. For men, the inclination is brain storm a fix. If a man tries to fix a problem while a woman is still processing the emotions, things can get messy.

What I encourage men to practice when helping their woman process an issue is empathy. Empathy is defined as ‘ ˜the ability to understand and share the experience of another. ‘ Instead of trying to fix her problem, try just understanding where she is at in the moment and acknowledging how frustrating/upsetting/anger producing it is. That is what she wants. For you to accept and understand where she is in the moment and to empathize.

So, next time your person is struggling with something, don ‘ t make suggestions for how to fix things. Simply tell her that you understand how she is feeling and tell her that you are there for support.

This video is an excellent, and funny, example of what empathizing and not fixing looks like.

#4 – Treat us like women ‘ ¦.

I know that this can be tricky in this modern day of women being equal to men- women can and should expect equal treatment both in the workplace and in the world. That being said, women do still like to be treated like ladies, ladies who are desired, respected, admired and appreciated.

So, what are some examples of this? How about opening a car door for your lady, buying her that special scent that she likes, telling her how fabulous she looks or taking her out on a special romantic date. How about rubbing her feet or bringing her flowers or retrieving something from a high shelf.

Yes, men and women are equal but that doesn ‘ t mean that a girl doesn ‘ t like to be treated like a lady sometimes.

#5 – ‘ ¦but don ‘ t try to protect us.

Treating someone like a woman is one thing but treating us like the weaker sex is another.

I can ‘ t tell you how many men tell me that they don ‘ t share something with their woman because they are ‘ ˜trying to protect them. ‘ They tell those little white lies, lies that seem inconsequentially but have real repercussions.

What do I mean by little white lies? How about telling her you will be home for dinner at 6:00p, all the while knowing that you won ‘ t be home until 7 and you don ‘ t tell her because you don ‘ t want to upset her? Or telling her that you are going to go out for one beer, knowing that there is a long, fun night ahead. Or not telling her that you ran into your ex at the coffee shop and you talked for a while. Or that not getting that raise is ok even if your credit card bill is getting higher every day.

All of these white lies might be meant to ‘ ˜protect ‘ your woman but, in reality, they will only serve to make her trust you less. And when she trusts you less, relationships can fall apart.

Being honest about everything, big and small, is the key to a healthy relationship and a big part of what a woman needs to feel loved. Making every effort to be honest always will help your woman love and trust you even more.

Knowing what women want from men is a great way for a man to set up his relationship for success. Knowing what she wants and giving it to her will make her feel loved and you will feel appreciated and everyone will live happily ever after.

Telling her what you appreciate about her, holding her hand or giving her a hug, not trying to fix us and treating us like a woman are things that every woman wants in a relationship.

That being said, there is a 6th thing that every woman wants that needs to be mentioned as part of this list.

Women want, more than anything, follow through. They want to know that, if you say or agree to do something for them, you will actually do it. If you say that you want to go to the movies, you will actually show up. If you are going to fix the car, get it done. If you are going to take the kids out to give her a break, do it.

One of the biggest contributing factors to downfall of a relationship is when men make promises and don ‘ t follow through. When they do that, women often doubt their man ‘ s affections and their insecurities can cause more damage than you can ever know.

So, recognize the importance of follow through. Establish goals that you can reach and, always, do them for your woman. Start here, with the list above. Set your intention right now that you will follow my suggestions and do the work that you need to do to make your woman feel loved.

You can do it! I know you can!

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