5 Ways to Make a Difficult Conversation Easy in Your Relationship

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Tonight, I have to have a difficult conversation with my spouse and I was wondering about ways to make a difficult conversation easy.

I was dreading the conversation because he hates to talk about things but there are things that need to be talked about.

I sat here thinking over and over about what to say and how to say it and what he is going to say and how he could hate me, and our marriage, by the end of it. I was petrified.

Fortunately, the life coach in me knows that, while my concerns are real, there are many approaches that I can take that will allow us to have a successful conversation, one we will both walk away from in the best way possible.

What can I, and you, do to ensure that the conversation is a good one?

#1 – Stop obsessing.

As I sat there thinking about what tonight was going to look like, I was visualizing all sorts of reactions from my spouse around what I was going to say.I thought about how he would react and what he would say. And then I thought about what I would say next. And then what I might do when he storms off. And what we will do afterwards when it ‘ s time to go to bed.

I ran the scenarios over and over in my head and, for a while, they were all that I could think about. More even than the content of the talk. I just didn ‘ t know what would happen and it worried me.

But I knew that I had to let go of those projected outcomes. I had NO IDEA how he was going to react and to spend even one minuteperseveratingabout how he might was a complete waste of time. And, if I thought about it too much, I knew I would go into the conversation with heightened anxiety, which was sure to sabotage the outcome before I began.

So, I had to let go of these ruminations and go into the conversation with a clear head, willing to accept that whatever happened would happen and that I couldn ‘ t control the outcome.

#2 – Timing is everything.

When my kids were little and I had to discuss something difficult with them I always chose to do it in one of two places: in the car or on a walk.

I have found it very effective to have conversations with someone when side by side instead of face to face. I think that perhaps it makes each participant a little less vulnerable and gives them a moment more to react to a statement. The eyes can say so much, sometimes quickly, which can cause the conversation to devolve in some way.

I also always chose a time that was not stressful. If you raise the topic after a really stressful bedtime with the kids or after he has had a disagreement with his mother or when she is exhausted, your conversation could be doomed.

So, choose a time carefully. Tonight is pizza night, no cooking and no dishes, and my spouse is always happiest when there are no dishes. Afterwards, we will go on a walk and he will be relaxed and I will bring up what I want to talk about. Softly.

#3 – Do not go on the offensive.

Your goal in this situation is to make a difficult conversation easy, a conversation that lands on its mark and has a satisfactory end result. To do this it ‘ s important not to attack.

My partner and I are struggling with a few issues in our relationship. Instead of leading in with all of the things that he is doing wrong, I will ask him if he is happy. Ona scale of 1-10, perhaps. Doing so will (hopefully and gradually) get him to open up to me about what is going on with him. From there I can ask him probing questions that will help me understand where he is coming from.

I will not say ‘ Why are you doing these stupid things over and over? ‘ I can guarantee that the only thing that will do is shut him down. And, certainly, he will not be interested in listening to what I need if I go on the attack right away.

#4 – Do not go on the defensive.

This is so important. We need to be very careful to listen to what we are hearing back from the person with whom weare talking and not immediately start defending ourselves before they are finished. Not only could we get some valuable information but, by letting them know that we are paying attention, we will be more likely to get the outcome that we seek.

Try reflective listening. Many people find it difficult but it really works. After they speak say ‘ I hear you saying that ‘ ¦.and I get it. ‘ Words that will allow them to feel heard, validated and empathized with. Often, all people want to be is heard and not feeling so makes them angry and makes them shut down or storm off.

It’s also important to just listen if that is what your spouse wants. Sometimes, as our spouse tells us what is going on, we do one of two things – we push back and defend the situation or we try to fix it. Sometimes, neither one of those things is what is needed in the moment. Sometimes, our spouse just needs to be heard.

Most importantly, if you want your spouse to start to communicate with you, they need to know they can do so knowing that they will be heard, and not just deflected. Wouldn ‘ t you be way more willing to talk to someone if you knew that you were safe and respected?

So, listen, listen, listen. Don ‘ t go on the defensive. I can guarantee you that your conversation will not be effective if you are the one doing all the talking.

#5 – Be confident.

I know this conversation tonight with my spouse seems like it might be the end of the world but really, no matter what, it ‘ s all going to be okay.

I always ask my clients to consider ‘What is the worst that can happen?’

For me, I know that the worse that could happen would be a divorce. That I don ‘ t think I could survive. But you know what? I probably could. Regardless, that won’t happen tonight, because of this conversation. As a matter of fact, divorce is a more likely outcome if we are unable to talk about our issues so I keep that in mind as the night grows closer.

So, yes, a conversation might bring about pain and discomfort and maybe even produce some short, or long, term effects but really, everyone is going to be okay.

Pain is part of the growing process. This conversation will be part of the growing process and, hopefully, at the end of it, we both will be on the way to understanding each other just a little bit more, with the goal of working things through, together.

And growing is the end goal.

Looking for ways to make a difficult conversation easy is the key to a successful relationship. Without communication, your relationship will most likely fail.

So many relationships fall apart because partners can ‘ t communicate with each other and instead they grow further and further apart until their marriage is irreparably broken.

Make sure that you go into this conversation in a good place, without making assumptions about the content and the outcome. Choose a time and a place that won ‘ t be stressful. Make sure that you don ‘ t attack and that you not get defensive but that you listen to what is being said. And know that, no matter what, the world won ‘ t end because of the conversation. Life will go on with what needed to be said out in the open instead of stuck in your head.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Nice Ways To Break Up With Someone So You Don’t Break Their Heart

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I know – ending a relationship is one of the hardest things to do and good for you for trying to find some nice ways to break up with someone so that you don ‘ t break their heart.

You care for this person but you know there is no future for you as a couple and you don ‘ t want to hurt them when you let them go.

Fortunately, there are kind ways to break up with someone without breaking their heart, at least not completely.

#1 – Don ‘ t disappear.

The WORST way to break up with someone is to ghost them, to disappear without a word. I know that it seems relatively painless, that if you just don ‘ t contact them anymore they will get the picture and move on. Unfortunately, ghosting someone makes it easier on you but it ‘ s definitely not a nice way to break up with someone and not break their heart.

Most of us need to have some idea what has happened in a relationship before we can move on. This is especially true if the break up comes from out of the blue. If our person suddenly disappears, we are left wondering what happened, what we did wrong, how someone could treat us this way and how to move forward.

And this is heartbreaking.

Ghosting someone is good for exactly one person – the person who does the ghosting. The person who does the ghosting doesn ‘ t have to face the person they are breaking up with. They don ‘ t have to explain themselves. They don ‘ t have to see the pain on the other person ‘ s face. So, don ‘ t kid yourself if you think that ghosting someone is the kindest thing to do. It ‘ s not. It will only make things worse.

#2 – Tell the truth.

It is essential that, when we break up with someone, we tell the truth about how we are feeling.

How many times has someone said ‘ ˜It ‘ s not about you – it ‘ s about me. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I am just too busy with work to be in a relationship right now. ‘ Or ‘ ˜I need to work on myself before I can love someone. ‘

These explanations always feel like bullshit to me and I am guessing they do to you too.

When you want to break up with someone without hurting them, it is essential that you are honest with them. Perhaps you can ‘ t verbalize exactly why you are breaking up with them but if they ask you questions, answer them. If you just don ‘ t feel a connection, tell them that. If you like them but aren ‘ t attracted to them, tell them that. If your old girlfriends has reappeared tell them that. Tell them the truth.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients struggle with the reasons they were broken up with. They just don ‘ t believe their person was telling them the truth and they question everything. They often say ‘ ˜If he had just told me what happened, I would be able to move on but I just don ‘ t feel like he did. ‘

A big part of recovering from heartbreak is the ability to move on and not telling the truth will hinder your ex from doing so.

#3 – Be kind.

While I encourage people to be honest when they break up with someone, I also encourage them to not be mean. Honesty is important but if you hurt someone in the process, it won ‘ t help your ex ‘ s broken heart.

Imagine if someone told you that the reason they were breaking up with you was because you didn ‘ t have a job and they couldn ‘ t respect you. That they were embarrassed when they introduced you to their friends and that watching them sleep all day instead of working drove you nuts. While all those things might be true, the delivery is key because doing so unkindly will only cause pain.

How about, instead, you tell them that the importance of ambition is different for the each of you and that you feel that this unevenness was making it hard for you to commit to the relationship. By saying it this way, you aren ‘ t attacking them but talking about your feelings about ambition and how that is getting in the way for you.

By doing this, by delivering your reason for the breakup in a way that reflects your feelings as opposed to their deficiencies, you can soften the blow and break up with someone without breaking their heart.

#4 – Don ‘ t do it slowly.

I have a friend who, when he no longer wants to be with someone, doesn ‘ t tell them straight out. Instead, he stops texting and calling as much, he doesn ‘ t respond regularly when they reach out, he spends time with them but not to the extent that he used to.

He says he does so because he doesn ‘ t hurt them but I would argue it actually easier on him and that this actually hurts them more. Much like pulling off Bandaid, ending a relationship quickly and decisively will help your person recover and move on more quickly.

Another thing that many people do is they yo-yo. They want out but they don ‘ t want to hurt their person and they are worried that they will get bored and lonely, so they have a hard timebreaking up with them for good. They break up and then they come back, things are okay for a while and then it all falls apart again. Doing this over and over and over isn ‘ t good for anyone and will definitely lead to heartbreak.

#5 – Don ‘ t move on too quickly.

One of the worst things that can happen is when someone breaks up with you and the next day you see them all over social media with a new partner. Immediately you question everything about yourself and your relationship. You wonder if your person was cheating on you the whole time. You wonder why you weren ‘ t good enough for that person, why they had to go looking for someone else. You assume you have been lied to and you are humiliated and you feel betrayed by your person for flaunting this new person to all of your friends.

Even if you do have someone waiting in the wings, make sure that you leave a respectable amount of time before you bring that person out into the open. Yes, you want the world to know that you are in love but have enough respect foryour ex to give them some time to move onand to not disrespect them in the eyes of the world.

I know that you want to find find ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart. Having respect for your ex and your relationship is the key to doing this successfully.

It is possible to find nice ways to break up with someone so you don ‘ t break their heart completely.

Of course, every time we are broken up with there is pain but you can control how much pain there is and how quickly your ex can move forward.

It is essential that you don ‘ t just disappear, that you stay and face them. You must be honest with them but also kind. You must end it decisively and you must take care to respect them and not flaunt a new relationship right away.

Breaking up is hard to do but doing it in a way that is respectful and kind will not only help your ex recover more quickly, it will help you feel good about how you ended it and move on without guilt. It is hard not to break someone ‘ s heart when you break up with them but finding kind ways to do so will help their broken heart mend faster.

You can do this!

5 Reasons Why Being Yourself is the Best Way to Succeed at Finding Love

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Many people have a hard time believing that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

Why, they think, would someone want to fall in love with them? They don ‘ t think themselves smart enough or hot enough or funny enough. It ‘ s hard to imagine that anyone would ever want them.

So, they create for themselves someone else, someone else they believe will be more lovable, and they put that person out there – hoping to find love.

Unfortunately, not being yourself is definitely not the best way to succeed at finding love because it will sabotage you in so many ways.

Let me share with you why not being yourself will ensure that you fail at finding love.

#1 – Being yourself is natural.

Being yourself is the easiest thing in the world to do. You have been yourself for decades and you can do you like no one else can.

Not being yourself takes work. Not being yourself, presenting yourself as someone else, making conscious decisions to do thing differently, all require a tremendous amount of energy. It takes keeping on top of the lies that you might be telling. It takes maintaining a façade of who you are not. It takes hiding things from your new person, all the while doing the very difficult task of trying to find love.

And, if you are working so hard at being someone other than you are, you will have a hard time finding the love you seek because it ‘ s hard to do both at the same time.

#2 – You will doom the relationship from the start.

Imagine you meet someone and they are everything that you had hoped they would be. You fall in love and you look forward to living happily ever after. And then you learn the truth about them. How would you feel?

I have a client who met a wonderful guy and they had a summer romance. He made her laugh and the sex was great and she had hopes for the future. As their time together progressed, she noticed that he didn ‘ t seem to have much professional work to do. He spent his time working on his boat and with her but he never talked about what he did and he definitely didn ‘ t have money for dinners out.

She repeatedly asked him about this because she wasn ‘ t comfortable with him not working and her having to pay for dinners. He was vague and put her off. Eventually, she got fed up with the whole thing and pulled the plug. He wasn ‘ t the person she thought he was and she moved on.

So, while you might find love by not being yourself, you won ‘ t be able to keep it!

#3 – Honesty is the key to any relationship.

One of the most important part of any relationship is honesty – without it there is no trust and a relationship will fail. If you start a relationship off not being yourself you will be violating the trust of your partner by not being honest.

In the case of my client, she felt like her boyfriend had done a bait and switch – that he had sucked her in, presenting himself as a successful businessman, when in fact he did what he had to do to pay his bills but that was it.

She does love this man and he has promised her that he will find more work but their relationship has been tarnished because she no longer trusts him the way that she would like to.

So, the best way to succeed at finding love is by being yourself because honesty is the basis of every healthy relationship and thats what you want – a healthy relationship.

#4 – You will feel better about yourself.

It ‘ s very hard to put yourself out there as someone who you are not and to feel good about yourself. To deem that who you are is not good enough to be loved and you must therefore be someone else sucks the life out of you.

How can you, if you are pretending to be someone you are not, feel good about yourself? How can you look yourself in the mirror and not judge yourself? How can you not walk in after a date and wonder how you are going to keep this up? How will you feel if your person falls in love with someone who doesn ‘ t exist?

AND how can you be attracted to someone who doesn ‘ t feel good about themselves. If your self esteem is low because you aren ‘ t being yourself you are going to have a hard time attracting the kind of person you want to be with.

Being yourself in a relationship is the best way to keep your self esteem intact and be attractive the kind of person you want to be attractive to.

#5 – You will keep your friends.

This might seem like an odd one but one of the biggest consequences of not being yourself is that you might lose your friends.

How many times have you, or one of your friends, changed to get or keep a relationship? How frustrating is it to watch them be someone other than they are for some girl or some guy? How quickly do you get sick of it and stop hanging out with them and respecting them?

If you want to keep your friends, I would encourage you to be yourself when you are looking for love. You need those friends. They will have been there before you meet your person and they will be there long after, if the relationship ends.

I know that it ‘ s hard for some people to believe that being yourself is the best way to succeed at finding love.

But being yourself is the best way to find happiness, not only in a relationship but in the world. Being yourself is natural and you are good at it. You will doom the relationship from the start if it ‘ s based on a lie. You can ‘ t have a healthy relationship without honesty. Your self esteem will plummet and you won ‘ t be as attractive to others and you could lose your friends in the whole messy process.

Be yourself. Always. You will be glad you did!

5 Things To Do NOW to Get Over a Break Up and Move On

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Ok! You have decided that it ‘ s time to get over a break up and move on.

Whether your break up was sudden or your relationship had been dying a slow death, getting over a break up can be really difficult. Your life has changed drastically and not being paralyzed by it is very difficult.

Luckily, there are things that you can do now to get over a break up and move on quickly.

#1 – Be determined.

The most important thing to do to ensure that you can effectively get over break up in the quickest amount of time is to be determined. When you are trying to make big change, determination is an essential part of being able to do so.

Let ‘ s say that you are trying to quit eating ice cream. You know that it ‘ s not good for you and it keeps the weight on so you have decided to make a go of it. But your heart isn ‘ t truly in it and you are pretty sure that after a day or two you are going to go right back to indulging. That is because you are ‘ ˜trying to quit, ‘ you haven ‘ t ‘ ˜decided to quit. ‘

Make sure that, if you want to go down this path of doing the hard work to get over a break up, you are determined to do it. If you go in with a half-assed attitude, that you are going to ‘ ˜try ‘ to get over it, you will fail. And when you fail, you will feel even worse about yourself and the end of the relationship.

So, be determined. With determination you can have success.

#2 – Cut them off.

I know, I know. The prospect of cutting the person who you were with out of your life scares the shit out of you. You get a pit in your stomach that is sharp and painful. The anxiety that you feel at the thought of not being in contact with them is overwhelming. I get it.

The thing is is that being in contact with your person is a sure-fire way to not be able to get over them. If you talk to them on the phone, they could talk you into getting back together or you could miss them and take them back, even if you know you shouldn ‘ t.

If you see them on Instagram or Facebook, hiking with friends or hanging out with someone they could possibly be interested in, it will only sabotage your moving on because you will feel like your person has moved on quickly and that just won ‘ t feel good.

If you hang out places where you know you will see them you will be tempted to talk to them or you will miss them from afar. And, if it ‘ s at a bar especially, you could do something that might set you back in a big way.

So, push past the pain and anxiety and cut your person off. It will hurt in the short run but it will make a really big difference for you being able to successfully get over a break up and move on.

#3 – Write it down.

One of the reasons that it ‘ s hard for us to get over a break up and move on is because of the tricks that our brains play on us.

After we break up with someone, or are broken up with, we no longer have time with our people. We no longer are building up memories, good and bad, but instead are left with memories of things past. And, for some reason, our brains only hold on to the good things, the things about our relationship that made us happy.

Perhaps the memories consist of how things were at the beginning or the time you went to the Bahamas together or the brew fest you attended last fall. Those were all positive parts of your relationship and ones that you hold onto.

The reality of the relationship might be somewhat different. Perhaps the person they were in the beginning is not at all the person they ended up being. Perhaps in the Bahamas they drank way too much and you spent a lot of time alone. Perhaps they were crabby at the end of the brew fest and you had to leave early. The brain doesn ‘ t remember those things – it only remembers the good ones.

So, I encourage everyone to make a list while they are trying to get past a break up, a list of all of the things that weren ‘ t good about the relationship. Even if you were broken up with suddenly, I would bet that if you did some soul searching there would be things that were happening that you might have ignored. Write those things down.

Having a list will make a big difference as you work to get over a break up and move on.

#4 – Mourn.

I bet that your friends and family are telling you to ‘ ˜just move on. ‘ And I agree that moving on is important so that you can find happiness – it is out there, I promise!

That being said, it ‘ s important that we mourn the end of a relationship. When we get together with someone we have huge hopes and dreams. If we are together for a while, we have experiences together, good and bad. When we break up, we lose someone in our lives, someone that we had hoped might be with us forever.

So, take some time. Be sad. Be angry. Be hurt. Eat ice cream on the couch while binge watching The Umbrella Factory. Feel the pain. And then let it go.

If you stuff all of the pain that you are feeling over this break up down into your body, it will very hard to release it. It ‘ s important that we feel the feelings and then let them go. Only by doing so can we get over a break up and move on.

Another key part of the mourning process is taking stock of what went wrong and the role that you played in it. You will be in another relationship someday and you don ‘ t want to make the same mistakes twice. Whether it ‘ s choosing the wrong person or being clingy or whatever, making the same mistakes twice will only hurt you in the end.

#5 – Be active.

One of the worst things that we can do when we are trying to get over a break up and move on is to sit around the house feeling sorry for ourselves.

I know that in this time of Covid-19 it ‘ s hard to spend lots of time with friends and family but it is essential that you make every effort to do so. Even an afternoon in the park, social distancing but interacting, can make a big difference for you. Instead of focusing on your break up you can put your energy out there to people who love you.

Exercise is also a key part of getting past a break up. Raising your heartbeat, sweating and pushing yourself physically, all raise dopamine levels in your brain. Dopamine is a ‘ ˜feel good ‘ chemical and when it is coursing through your body you are just going to feel better. So, even if it ‘ s just taking a walk, get some exercise. Your brain will be glad you did.

Finally, while I know that you aren ‘ t yet ready to get into another relationship, it is important that you consider putting yourself back out there. There is no reason why you can ‘ t dress up, flirt and get to meet new people. Doing so will give you hope that there are other people out there for you and that this break up doesn ‘ t have to derail you for good.

Knowing that it is possible to get over a break up and move on gives one hope.

I know that the future doesn ‘ t seem bright right now but I promise you that these feelings won ‘ t last forever.

Ask yourself how determined you are to do this. Cut your ex out of your life completely and take stock of the reasons that you had to. Take some time and feel your feelings around the relationship and make sure that you spend time with people who do love you, doing things that make you feel good about yourself.

I know that things don ‘ t feel good right now but you have read this article in it ‘ s entirety so that makes me think that you are ready.

You can do this! I know you can.

Why Letting Go of Love and Being Friends Is (Mostly) Impossible

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It ‘ s funny how the idea of letting go of love and being friends is one that gives us hope.

You know what I mean – the ‘ ˜maybe we can just be friends ‘ concept. The promise that the connection will continue even if the romance and intimacy end. The idea of it makes letting go of someone not so harsh.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is a lovely one but, in my experience, it is (mostly) impossible to do so.

Let me tell you why ‘ ¦

#1 – Sex changes everything.

Have you ever found yourself in bed with someone who you considered a good friend? Did the friendship somehow evolve into something more, either intentionally or by happenstance? Most of us have at one point in our lives.

What happened to that friendship after sex was introduced into the mix? I bet things changed.

Why? It ‘ s actually chemistry. The act of sex, and the hormones that run rampant, connect people in a way that nothing else does. Furthermore, the hormones can cloud our judgement and actually make us attached to someone in a way that might not actually be authentic. Women especially, after having sex with someone, become attached in a way they weren ‘ t before.

Taking this idea into account, imagine it in the reverse – going from being in a hormonally charged sexual relationship with someone and then stepping back and eliminating that part of your relationship completely. Imagine being in the same room with your person and not touching them. Imagine watching them seduce someone else and knowing exactly what that looks like? How could you somehow not feel bad, to some degree, after having shared an intimacy with that person?

I have a male friend who I dated for about two minutes. He is one of my best friends and we share everything but we agree that if we had had sex, if we had connected so intimately, we wouldn ‘ t have been able to be so honest with each other. The sex would have altered our relationship, whether we wanted it to or not.

#2 – The thousand little cuts.

Relationships don ‘ t fall apart because everything is hunky-dory. Relationships fall apart for many reasons but one of the most common ones is a slow and steady death.

This slow and steady death involves a thousand little cuts, daily hurts, big and small, that gradually tear the fabric of the relationship, leaving it tattered and useless.

You know what I mean. When he doesn ‘ t call when he says he will or when she spends more time with her sister than with you or when you disagree on how much to spend on a TV or when he chooses his work over you. Those thousand little cuts, things that hurt a little but, when accumulated, lead to the death of a relationship.

Now, think about being in a friendship with someone who had hurt you over and over and over. Would you keep a friend who had done so? Friendship is about love and trust and mutual support – how can you have that with someone who treated you badly, and who you might have treated badly in return.

So, as you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is an option for you, think about how much pain is between you and if that is something that you want to carry with you going forward.

#3 – Attachment disparity.

In my work as a life coach, couples who want to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ are couples who struggle with an attachment disparity, an unevenness of feelings that exists after the break up.

What this looks like is often the person doing the breaking up wants to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ only because they think it softens the blow of the breakup. They really have no intentions of being ‘ ˜friends ‘ but they throw it out there, trying to ease the pain for their soon-to-be ex. For the person being broken up with, the desire to be ‘ ˜friends ‘ is often a desperate attempt to not lose their person and to maybe even win them back if they can keep them close.

Is there an attachment disparity in your relationship? Are you reading this article because your heart is broken and you want to hold onto your ex in whatever way you can? Are you dangling the idea of friendship out in front of your ex because you think it will hurt them less, not because you actually want to be friends?

Being friends after a relationship, unless the break up is mutual and there is no attachment remaining, can be (mostly) impossible.

#4 – There will be no moving on.

When relationships end, the first thing that I advise people to do is to go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ with their ex.

This means no social media, no texting, no going out to places you know they will be, no talking to their friends to find out what your ex is up to. Nothing.

Why? Because it can be impossible to move on if you are still in touch with your ex, if you are seeing how they are getting on with their lives without you, hanging out with old friends, and new, and being successful in life, especially if you are struggling.

So how can you move on if you are trying to maintain a friendship with your ex? How can you stop looking to the past and missing what was instead of looking to the future and what could be? How does watching your ex flirt with another person at the end of the bar make you feel anything more than less than? How can you truly be available to another person if you are still hanging on to your ex?

Moving on after a break up is the key to future happiness. Being friends with your ex is a surefire way to prevent that moving on from happening.

#5 – Your new relationship could be dead on arrival.

Let ‘ s say you get involved with a new someone, someone you see a real future with. And let ‘ s say that your new person introduces you to someone they used to date, an ex who is now a ‘ ˜friend. ‘ How would that make you feel? Honestly?

I am lucky enough to have found a man who is secure enough with himself that he is not threatened by my male friendships but for many people, old lovers being friends is not acceptable.

Men and women, both, can be uncomfortable with the shared intimacy that this friend and you shared. They picture you holding hands and talking about the future. They see the connection that you have from being more than friends once. They wonder if there are still feelings between you, ones that threaten the viability of the new relationship.

Is being your ex ‘ s friend important enough to threaten a relationship that you could have with someone who could actually make you happy and give you the future you want? Think about that before you decide whether letting go of love and being friends is the thing for you.

I know that the idea of letting go of love and being friends is an attractive one.

When we are connected to someone the idea of losing them can be so painful that we hold on to whatever we can so that pain is eased. But really, having a true friendship with an ex is next to impossible.

Having had sex, having hurt each other, having feelings for someone that might not be reciprocated, having the ability to move on and being able to have a successful relationship in the future are all things that indicate that being friends with your ex can be impossible.

I am friends with many of my exes. We weren ‘ t friends at the time of the break up but, as time passed and life went on, we reconnected. And I do care about these guys but they aren ‘ t truly my friends. Not in the way my girlfriends are. They have hurt me and I have hurt them and there is a degree of separation that exists between us because of that. Yes, I am Facebook friends with them and we occasionally text but truly our time has passed and I am very lucky to have the life I have now. One that I found all by myself without their friendship in my life.

So, think long and hard before taking this ‘ ˜friendship ‘ step. You will be glad you did!

How To Let Go Of Obsessive Love Before it Destroys You

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Learning how to let go of obsessive love is an essential part of living a happy life.

Obsessions with anything, whether it be alcohol, ice cream, gambling or video games, can wreak havoc on your life. Obsessive love it even worse because your heart is involved and when your heart is involved, the pain is more intense.

Knowing how to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you is how we get out of a love that is causing us pain and move forward to find true love and happiness. Good for you for reading this article! It ‘ s the first step to living the life you want.

#1 – Be determined.

When we want to let go of obsessive love the first step is to get clear on how determined we are to do it.

Letting go of any love, but especially one that is obsessive, is very difficult and if you don ‘ t have the determination that is necessary to take the steps, it won ‘ t be even worth trying.

So, ask yourself how determined are you to let go of this obsessive love? Are you just at the beginning, wondering if perhaps it ‘ s time to work to let go? Have you been thinking about this for a while but are not yet sure that you are willing to take the steps? Or perhaps has the pain gotten so bad that you know that you must do this to save your life?

Again, to do this work and to be successful with letting go of love, you must be determined – willing to work through the pain and stick with the process so that you can let go and be happy.

So, are you determined? If yes, then on to step number 2!

#2 – Be realistic.

For many of my clients, the object of their obsessive love is not someone who is good to them, someone who treats them the way they should be treated. Instead, their person is someone who treats them indifferently, or perhaps unkindly, who makes them doubt themselves and who renders them miserable more often than not.

I have a client whose partner is a narcissistic, alcoholic. He regularly gaslights her, making her believe that their problems are her fault. He comes and goes as he pleases. He sucks her back in with loving words but then disappears again when he gets bored. He has no friends and struggles to maintain a good relationship with his children.

My client doesn ‘ t see this. Yes, she struggles with pain during the times that he mistreats her but what she holds onto is the good things – the times when he treats her right and when they are happy. She has created a person in her head who he is not and it is that person, the good person, who she is obsessed with.

Is your partner someone who you should love the way you do? Is your partner someone who you would encourage a friend to be with should the shoe be on the other foot? Do you hold onto the person who they were when you first met, believing that that is the person they truly are and that if you just love them enough you will get back to being that person?

If you can take a good look at who your lover really is, someone who mistreats you and makes you miserable, then you are way more likely to be able to let go of obsessive love before it destroys you!

#3 – Set a time line.

I always encourage people to go no contact when they are trying to let go of obsessive love. To block them on their phone, to disconnect with them on social media and to stay away from places they frequent. This is the MOST important part of letting go because if you aren ‘ t in contact with your person, it will be way easier to let them go because they won ‘ t have the ability to suck you back in again with their words and actions. You also won ‘ t feel the pain of seeing that they have gone on with their lives without you.

Going no contact can be extremely difficult to do.

With one of my clients, I encouraged her to set up a time line for disconnecting with her boyfriend, one where she would gradually disconnect from him in a way that would be less painful for her. We agreed that she would immediately block him on her phone, so that she wouldn ‘ t be tempted by his voice and his words. She would continue to look at his social media for a week. At the beginning of the next week, she would shut down Instagram. At the beginning of the third week she would shut down Snapchat. On the fourth week she would post her profile on Hitch.

This process would continue until she was disconnected from him completely. Doing this allowed her to go no contact without the intense pain she was afraid of.

Of course, creating a gradual time line doesn ‘ t work for everyone. Personally, cold turkey is the only thing that works for me. It might be the only thing that works for you too.

#4 – Reconnect.

For many of us who have an obsessive love, we lose contact with friends and family because we literally spend every waking day hoping to hear from our person or orchestrating events that would lead to interaction with them.

I had a client who was involved with a married man. She thought about nothing but him morning, noon and night. As a result, she no longer saw her friends. The things that she used to do with them she no longer did because she sat at home, waiting for him to call. Gradually, her friends stopped reaching out because she was never available.

What we need more than anything, as we work to let go of obsessive love, is our friends. Our friends can listen to our words of sadness, can help distract us from the pain of letting go and help us face the reality of who our person really is, not the person we have created in our head.

So, reach out TODAY to some of your friends. Make a plan to get together. Apologize if necessary, explaining to them what has happened to you. Friends will always be there for you and now you need them more than anything.

#5 – Push back on the pain.

One of the biggest reasons that we have such a hard time letting go of love is because we are afraid of the pain that we will feel if we do so. The human fear of pain is so intense because we literally need it to survive. The fear of pain prevents us from sticking our hand in a fire or cutting ourselves with a knife or throwing ourselves off a cliff because we are scared about the prospect of that pain.

This same idea is why we don ‘ t want to break up with someone – we fear the pain that we will feel if we walk away.

To combat this, I would encourage you to take stock of your life, to take a good look at all you have in the world, to take a good look at who you are as a person.

Think about the person you were before you met this person. I know that the obsessive love that I carried for a man made me feel like a completely different person. Before I met him I was a confident and brave woman who owned her own business and took shit from no one. Two years later, I was a woman who sat at home, waiting for his call, feeling pathetic and full of self-loathing because I had become this person.

Yes, you will feel some pain if you walk away from this person, but how good would it feel to be that person you were before? Would suffering the inevitable pain, which will ease with time, be worth it if you could be back to who you had been, living an authentic life? I know it was for me and here I am today, back to the confident woman I was before, this time with the love of my life, the man who treats me like a queen, at my side!

I know that the idea of having to let go of an obsessive love is scary.

I know that you think you will never be happy again if you do so but I know that you are moving towards being ready because you are reading this article.

Take some time and decide how determined you are to do this. If you are ready to do the work, take stock of the person you love – are they who you think they are? Are you ready to step away from all interactions with them? Are you looking forward to reconnecting with your friends and yourself?

I know that you can do this. I know that you can let go of obsessive love and live the life you have always wanted, full of love and happiness.

Take the steps now and make it happen!

How to Infidelity Proof Your Marriage To Keep it Healthy and Strong

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Are you looking for ways to infidelity proof your marriage so that you can be happy and your marriage will last forever?

Have you married the person of your dreams and do you want to do whatever it takes to keep your relationship solid and healthy and infidelity proof?

Infidelity is something that no one sets out to do in a marriage – it is something that is often borne of unhappiness in a relationship, of a disconnect that has grown over time. Of course, some people are just chronically unfaithful but, more often than not, there are things that can be done to keep your marriage strong and protect it against the risk of infidelity.

Luckily, learning the tools to infidelity proof your marriage is not difficult and there are things that you can put to use immediately so that your relationship can go stronger quickly.

Here are 5 ways to infidelity proof your marriage NOW.

#1 – Share.

I know, I know. Every blog that you have read says that communication is the key to every healthy relationship. The reason that every blog says this is because it ‘ s the truth.

Think of every marriage that you know that is unhealthy. Looking in from the outside, do you see an inability to communicate, to share feelings, to explain when they have been wronged, to address how they feel about an issue or even to ask for what they want?

Do you see people who aren ‘ t willing to be vulnerable and tell their person how they feel about them or that their person is causing them pain? Do you see people who share their deepest thoughts and emotions with others but keep their partner in the dark?

Every healthy marriage is based on the ability to communicate with each other in a meaningful way, to speak up when something is bothering them, to feel safe knowing that if you do speak you won ‘ t be attacked, to know that your person will listen to you with an open heart.

So, set up healthy communication with your spouse and infidelity proof your marriage from the outset.

#2 – Maintain trust.

The number one way to strengthen your relationship so that nothing can break it apart is to establish trust and maintain it. When trust is lost, it ‘ s hard to regain. When trust is lost, it is easy for a marriage to fall apart and for infidelity to be a risk.

Trust can be lost in big ways and small. Big ones, of course, include infidelity and betrayal. It is the small ones, surprisingly, that can be most destructive to a marriage.

A client of mine had a husband who was always making her promises. He said he would go look at new windows for their house but went to the office instead. He said that he would take out the garbage but watched the game instead. He promised to be home in time for dinner but rarely was.

One small instance at a time, by saying he would do something but then not do it, my client ‘ s husband eroded her trust in him. As time went on, she trusted him less and less until, one day, she found herself with one foot out of the marriage. She no longer felt like she could be with someone she couldn ‘ t trust.

So, think hard about maintaining trust in your relationship. Whether it ‘ s about big things or small, when trust is lost it ‘ s almost impossible to regain.

#3 – Assume nothing.

I can ‘ t tell you how many clients of mine have told me, when I ask them how they communicate their feelings to their spouses, that they don ‘ t need to tell their partners that they love them ‘ ˜because they know. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how of my clients spend weekends with their parents or take walks with their friends or watch TV alone in the living room, assuming that it ‘ s okay with their partner that they not be doing things together.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients treat their partners with contempt and disregard, assuming that they will always be there, no matter how they are spoken to.

One of the things that happens in marriage is that, after a while, we start to take each other for granted. In the beginning, we stay constantly in touch, we spend time together, we share our feelings, we include each other in activities. As time goes on, we become less attentive and fall into a pattern of taking our spouses for granted.

Taking each other for granted will NOT infidelity proof your marriage. It will, instead, leave it highly vulnerable to someone from the outside stepping in.

If you want to infidelity proof your marriage, make sure that you never assume ANYTHING in your relationship. Don ‘ t assume that your person knows you love them – tell them! Don ‘ t assume that your person doesn ‘ t want to spend time with you or is okay with you disappearing every Sunday morning. Don ‘ t assume that your person will just take whatever you dish out and be there for you when you need them.

When you are done with this article, go find your person and kiss them, make plans for a hike in the morning and thank them for taking out the garbage. It could change everything for you.

#4 – Be honest. Always.

Has anyone ever said to you ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because I didn ‘ t want to hurt you? ‘ Or perhaps ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you because it didn ‘ t seem important? ‘ Or even ‘ ˜I didn ‘ t tell you for your own good? ‘

All of these things are examples of LIES – sometime lies with good intentions but lies nonetheless.

It is essential that, to infidelity proof your marriage, you always be honest with your partner about everything – everything.

If you go out with an old beau for dinner, be honest with your person and tell them. If you put a dent in the car, don ‘ t blame it on someone else. If you don ‘ t like broccoli, don ‘ t pretend that you do. If Sundays at his mothers are too much for you, don ‘ t pretend they aren ‘ t.

When you don ‘ t tell the truth to your spouse, you automatically put up a wall between the two of you. You have something that you aren ‘ t sharing with your partner and that will only create some distance between the two of you. And when there is distance, distrust often follows. And lack of trust, as we know, can kill a relationship.

So, NEVER lie to your spouse. Even for ‘ ˜their own good. ‘

#5 – Get physical.

This last way infidelity proof your marriage is a fun one. Getting physical.

Getting physical, in many forms, is the glue that can hold a relationship together. When touch stops, marriages can founder.

While I do include sex when I talk about getting physical, what I really mean is the everyday little things. The pat on the butt when walking through the kitchen, the kiss before leaving in the morning, holding hands on a walk, spooning at bedtime. All of these wonderful things count as touching.

What happens when we touch someone is profound. While our intellects are always processing our interpersonal interactions, touch is something primal, something that affects our emotions in a way that our brains cannot.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can help a relationship in profound ways. Hugs make the body produce ‘ ˜oxytocin, ‘ a feel good chemical. Hugs make us feel safe and secure. Hugs say a lot without words. Hugs mend in a way that words can ‘ t always do.

So, make an effort to keep your hands on your partner. Of course, not all the time but as often as is right for both of you. The non-verbal communication that happens with touch can infidelity proof your marriage in a way that more intellectual efforts cannot.

Knowing ahead of time how to infidelity proof your marriage is an excellent way of setting it up for success.

Much like learning how to drive a car or be successful at work, knowing the rules around a marriage can keep yours healthy and strong.

So, make an effort to talk to your person, open and honestly, to never make assumptions, to work to maintain trust on both sides, to always tell the truth and to use the non-verbal communication of touch to let your partner know how you feel.

Love is grand. If you have found that special someone to love forever, do what you need to do to keep infidelity proof your marriage and live happily ever after.

You can do it! I know you can!

5 Key Behaviors that Help Build A Healthy Relationship after Infidelity

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Have you or your partner had an affair and are you now wondering if you can have a healthy relationship after infidelity?

Many people say no, that it is not possible to be happy after a partner has strayed but I believe that it is possible to get past an affair and be happy again.

Having a healthy relationship after infidelity is something to strive for but it won ‘ t happen without a lot of hard work and patience.

Here are 5 key behaviors to make sure are part of your relationship so that you, too, can get through this time together, as a couple.

#1 – Resolve.

First and foremost, both members of a relationship need to be resolved to make this relationship work.

Often times, after an affair, the person who strayed is only interested in putting the affair behind them and moving on. The person who was betrayed is often harder to convince. They are left with questions, ones that often go unanswered, self doubt, lack of trust and serious doubts about the future.

If both partners aren ‘ t resolved to work on recovering their relationship, there is no way it can happen.

I have a client whose partner strayed twice. She feels horribly betrayed but is willing to work to get their marriage back on track. Her husband simply wants the affair to disappear and for everything to go back to normal. He says he wants to do the work and is willing to go to a therapist but his heart isn ‘ t really in it. As a result, she is frustrated, even more hurt and questioning the future of her marriage.

So, unless both members are determined to do the work, the chances of having an healthy relationship after infidelity are minimal.

#2 – Communicate.

As I say in EVERY blog I write, communication in any healthy relationship is of utmost importance. Without communication, relationships are doomed to fail.

After an affair, communication becomes even more important. What I have seen in almost all of my clients who have been betrayed is the desire to understand the how and why of the affair.

How did you meet? Where did you meet? Why did you meet? How long have I been lied to? Did you laugh about me while you did this? Will this happen again? How will things be different this time?

In many cases, the person who had the affair isn ‘ t willing, or able, to answer those questions. Often times, affairs just happen – they literally sneak up on the two people and before you know it, a relationship has been betrayed. When this happens, it’s hard to answer the ‘ ˜why. ‘ Also, people who have affairs often feel so guilty and ashamed that they don ‘ t want to talk about it. They know they have let down and betrayed their partner and they are mortified.

No matter what the reason it might be difficult to talk about an affair, to answer the questions that might come up, it is essential that both are done. Honesty and transparency are the keys to how a couple can rebuild a healthy relationship after infidelity.

So, make an effort to address each others questions. If it is difficult to do so, dig deep and try. If you can ‘ t, it is important that you get the help of a therapist or a life coach who can help you draw out the answers.

#3 – Understand.

It is very important for both members of a relationship to understand, and accept, how the other is feeling.

The person who has been betrayed is full of questions, struggling with self doubt, angry, sad, scared, lacking in confidence and generally confused and overwhelmed by what has happened to their lives.

The person who has strayed is often wracked with self loathing, guilt, sadness, fear, confusion and remorse.

Both of these people ‘ s feelings are real and need to be acknowledged and accepted. People who have been betrayed often feel that their partner ‘ s feelings aren ‘ t warranted or relevant and push back against them. Betrayers often get angry with their partner for their intense feelings and want it to all go away.

By acknowledging and accepting each other ‘ s emotions, each of the people will feel heard and seen, key parts of developing the building blocks for a healthy relationship after infidelity.

#4 – Enjoy.

I know that this seems inconceivable right now but it is really important that you both, when you are ready, make an effort to enjoy each other ‘ s company.

There was a time when you were in love, when there were many things that you enjoyed doing together. These things connected you and helped make your love stronger.

I have a client who genuinely enjoys being with his partner but still struggles with accepting the affair. Last time we talked he did say to me, very clearly, that he and his wife were still good friends and that gave him hope that they could work through everything and reconnect.

So, if you feel like you can, with authenticity, strive to do the things together that used to make you feel connected. Picnics, trips to a bookstore, a musical event or a hike – anything else that will make you both remember that once you liked each other and that there is hope that you will again.

#5 – Touch.

I know that the idea of touching your partner after their betrayal is inconceivable but it is an essential part of building a healthy relationship after infidelity.

I am not talking about sex. I am talking about the simple things – hand holding, hugging, brushing up against each other in the kitchen. Touch is the thing that can keep couples together more than anything.

Make up sex is a perfect example of this. After an argument, many couples like to have sex. They do because the physical connection draws them back together. The sex connects them in a way that words can not and helps settle the argument and the hard feelings left afterwards.

Again, I am not saying that you need to have sex with your person right away but I am encouraging you to hug them. They say that a 10 second hug everyday can help a couple keep their relationship healthy and strong.

It is possible to have a healthy relationship after infidelity.

Infidelity rocks our world in a way that almost nothing else can. And believing that you can get past it and be happy again might seem impossible from where you sit now. But you can do it!

If you and your partner are both determined, if you are able to communicate in a healthy way, if you are able to acknowledge and accept the other ‘ s feelings, if you seek out things that you enjoy doing together and if you can explore touching each other again, you have an excellent chance of having that healthy relationship that you seek.

I know it seems hard right now but I promise you, you can do it!

5 Things to Do (And to Not Do) When Your Spouse is Feeling Depressed

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When your spouse is feeling depressed it can feel like the world is ending. Watching your loved one suffer and feeling helpless in the face of it is one of the worst feelings in the world.

Fortunately, when your spouse is feeling depressed, there are things that you can do to support them through it. Almost more importantly, there are things that you definitely shouldn ‘ t do to help your person manage and get through their depression.

Here are 5 of things you can do and 5 things you shouldn’t do.

#1 – Acknowledge but don ‘ t fix.

When you see your spouse feeling depressed, it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t run away from them.

Dealing with depression and sadness is daunting and the instinct is often to run away because we don ‘ t know what to do.

The most important thing for you to do when your spouse is feeling depressed is to acknowledge to them that you see that they are depressed. Just knowing that your partner is aware of how you are feeling can help people manage their depression.

Once you have acknowledged their depression, is it important that you don ‘ t try to talk your partner out of it. Don ‘ t say ‘ ˜but your life is great, why are you depressed? ‘ or ‘ ˜it ‘ s such a pretty day out – be happy ‘ or ‘ ˜snap out of it. ‘

All of those things will only serve to let your spouse know that you don ‘ t, in fact, understand the place they are in and it will only make them feel worse because they know all those things to be true but can ‘ t snap out of it nonetheless.

So, when your spouse is feeling depressed, acknowledge what you see but don ‘ t, don ‘ t, don ‘ t try to fix it

#2 – Give them space, if they want it.

Many of us, when we are feeling depressed, need some space to help manage it.

It ‘ s a lot of work trying to be positive for someone when we are depressed so giving us space can be very helpful.

That being said, giving us too much space can make us feel alone and even more mired in our depression so it ‘ s important that you don ‘ t abandon us completely.

Perhaps you could go for a run and then come home and just be in the house, not being overly cheerful but checking in on your person to let them know you are there. Perhaps you could suggest a movie to take your partner ‘ s mind off of the depression, even if just temporarily.

Ask your partner what they want as far as space. Hopefully they can be self aware and let you know what they need. Once you know, making every effort to give it to them will help them manage the depression and hopefully ride it out.

#3 – Make a plan and stick to it.

What I did so that my boyfriend would know what to do when I was struggling with depression is, when I wasn ‘ t depressed, make a plan for what I did need when I was feeling down. That way, if I wasn ‘ t able to articulate what I needed when I am feeling depressed then he would have a resource to help him help me.

For me, when I am feeling depressed, there are a few things that always help. They are: a hike, a movie, sex, Pad Thai and a nap. All of those things I know will help me manage my depression. They might not get rid of my depression but the distraction of a movie and a nap, the endorphins produced by a hike and sex and the sheer yumminess of Pad Thai are all things that can help me through.

Once my partner knew what I needed when I was depressed it was way easier for him to help me through it.

So, make a plan with your partner about what they need when they are feeling depressed. Knowing what your spouse needs will make it way easier for you to feel like you are doing good helping them.

#4 – Be positive but be real.

It is important that, when your partner is feeling depressed, you make an effort to be positive. Misery loves company so if you are down when your partner is down, it might make things worse.

That being said, being overly positive, to the point that you are cloying and annoying won ‘ t help at all. Don ‘ t tell them that their life is good, that people love them, that the sun is out, that they have no reason to be unhappy, that they should just snap out of it. None of these things will help and could only make things work. People get depressed, even if all of those things above are true.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, be positive. Tell them that you love them and that you see them and that you accept where they are right now. Tell them that you will be there for them, no matter what.

If you are feeling down yourself, perhaps because your partner is depressed, be honest with them and take some time for yourself. If you can ‘ t be positive, you aren ‘ t good for your spouse.

#5 – Seek help but don ‘ t push.

When your spouse is feeling depressed, it is important to know that help is out there.

Oftentimes, when those we love are struggling, it ‘ s easy to get mired in the now – in the tears, the anger and the chaos that can result when your spouse is feeling depressed.

Fortunately, there are lots of resources out there for both people living with depression and for those who love them. Seeing a therapist or a life coach, getting involved with a support group, talking to your primary care doctor or getting involved with NAMI are all great resources for dealing with depression. Make yourself familiar with them and use them as you see fit.

It is important to know that you can ‘ t force your spouse to get help. Until they are willing to accept that they are depressed and be willing to reach out to a doctor or therapist, any attempts by you to get them help will be useless. What you can do is share the resources that you find with your partner so that they know they are out there.

Sometimes, when people are depressed, they get so hopeless that it ‘ s hard to believe that anything could possibly help. So, make the info available for when they are ready.

When your spouse is feeling depressed it can sometimes feel like the world is ending.

You love your partner but the chaos caused by the depression can be hard to deal with. Fortunately, there are things that you can do to help mitigate the damage and perhaps make change going forward.

Make sure you acknowledge your partner’s mood but don ‘ t try to fix it, give them space but not too much, make a plan for how to manage, be positive but not cloying and know that there is help out there.

Depression gets worse the more it goes untreated so it ‘ s important that you pay attention to your spouse ‘ s depression and if you see it getting deeper, consider reaching out to your family doctor for help. They can help you take the first steps towards helping your spouse get better.

5 Expectations To Set For Yourself When Going Through a Break Up

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When you are going through a break up, the prospect of getting on with your life seems completely impossible.

You are alone, in pain, missing your person and you have no hope that you will ever be happy again. Your life is horrible and you aren ‘ t sure how you are going to get through it.

I can promise you that you will get through it. Broken hearts don ‘ t last forever and there are some things that you can do to hasten their mending.

An important piece of getting over your broken heart quicker is to set expectations for yourself when you are going through a break up, expectations that will allow you to be strong in the face of everything that is happening and have hope for the future.

Let me share some excellent expectations that you can set so that you can get well and move one.

#1- You will not reach out.

What I tell my clients who are going through a break up is that the number one most important part of surviving a break up and getting past it is to go ‘ ˜no contact. ‘

Many of us seek to be friends with our ex or stalk them on social media or ask their friends how they are – generally just going about our lives as if our ex was still a part of it.

And this never works.

A client of mine, whose boyfriend broke up with her after 8 years, was obsessed with following his Instagram and Facebook feeds. She saw him looking happy, going on with his life and getting a new girlfriend. The hurt that she felt looking at his life was so much that it stopped her from moving on. She stayed obsessed with him and the pain wouldn ‘ t fade.

What I reminded her was that social media didn ‘ t necessarily present the truth of someone ‘ s life and that the information that she saw wasn ‘ t necessarily real. If she could let go of her obsession and not need to know everything about his life, she would be able to move on.

Unfortunately, he started calling her and she started talking to him. They never got back together but they talked with each other regularly, stoking her hopes that they could reunite. A year later, she was still attached to him and in pain.

So, if there is one thing that you take away from this article it ‘ s the importance of not being in contact with your ex – it will only extend the hurt and prevent you from moving on.

#2 – You will not seek closure.

If there is one thing that I don ‘ t believe in it is closure.

I believe that closure is just one more excuse to see your partner again and to try to convince them not to break up with you. When people seek closure it rarely works out the way they want it to and, if it does, the relationship usually ends again somewhere down the line.

If your partner breaks up with you, accept it and move on. They may or may not have told you reasons that satisfy your need to understand why but the reality is is that they no longer want to be with you, for whatever reason.

So, don ‘ t seek closure. Go no contact on day one and you will heal quicker that way.

#3 -You will not play the victim.

For many years, after my ex-husband and I divorced, I played the victim.

I told people that he left me for another person, that he walked away from me and destroyed our family. Woe is me. I was the good guy and he was the bad guy. Please pity me.

The truth of the matter is is that our marriage had not be healthy for a long time. I was unhappy but not yet ready to give up on it. He decided to give up on it first and I was devastated – devastated at being abandoned and at the prospect of my kids being the children of divorce like I was.

What helped me most was when I stopped looking at myself as the one who had been abandoned and started looking at myself as the person who was lucky to get out of a marriage that was making me unhappy. I had been given an opportunity to have a new life and I started relishing it.

By not playing the victim I was able to view myself as a strong woman, one who could live a good and successful life, in spite of the cards that I had been dealt, marriage wise.

#4 – You will take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we go through a break up, we curl up in our beds, eat ice cream and binge watch 1980’s romance movies. And, while this can work for a while because it comforts us, in the long run it will only make the pain of going through a break up worse.

Just yesterday, I was talking to a new client going through a break up and she said that she was going to take the rest of the week off of work because she was sad. I suggested to her that she shouldn ‘ t take those days off. Being at work, which she loved, would keep her busy and with people she cared about, it would give her an opportunity to not reach out to her ex because she would be occupied and it would make her feel good about herself because she wasn ‘ t walking away from her job during this busy time. She loved that idea and off to work she went today, feeling pretty good about yourself.

So, when you are going through a break up, I encourage you to spend a few days wallowing in your pain but then get up and start taking care of yourself. Exercise, eat well and get some sleep. Spend time with the family and friends who love you. Do something that you love to do but that you couldn ‘ t do when you were part of a couple. Dig yourself into your work. Whatever you can do to make you feel better about your place in the world and not mired in sadness about the person who walked away.

#5 – You will keep the faith.

For many clients of mine who are going through a break up they believe that they will never love and be loved again. They feel so badly about themselves that they can ‘ t see any person ever loving them and they can fathom that they could ever truly love someone the way they loved their ex.

I am here to tell you that this never happens. Without exception, every client of mine who has gone through a break up finds someone again. And, more often than not, the person they find is far better than the one who broke up with them. If you do your work after a break up, if you identify what happened and what your role was in it, then you will seek someone who is good for you, nicer to you and a better fit.

So, don ‘ t give up on the fact that you will love and be loved again. Wallow for a bit and then start taking care of yourself. When you are healed, you will put energy out in the world that will attract you to the person you are meant to be with.

I promise.

Setting expectations for yourself when going through a break up is the best way to get through the pain and out the other side intact.

Just lying on the coach wallowing in pain will get you nowhere. But if you make conscious decisions about how you are going to proceed with your life, decisions that you would make around work or exercise or goals, then you are way more likely to have success getting past your break up and moving on.

Go ‘ ˜no contact ‘ immediately, don ‘ t seek closure, don ‘ t play the victim, take care of yourself and don ‘ t give up hope for the future.

A broken heart is one of the worst things that you can go through in your life but you, and only you, can heal it so set yourself some goals and expectations to do so and you will succeed.

You can do it!

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