How to Manage Your Depression When The World Seems to be in Chaos

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The other night I was sitting in the bathtub, soaking away the effects of the day. Suddenly I started crying. Not just crying, sobbing. I didn ‘ t know what was going on.

And then it hit me. The world was in chaos and I was going through some serious major life changes and out of nowhere it was all catching up to me. I wasn ‘ t used to things catching up to me so it made me very uncomfortable.

When I am uncomfortable I will figure out whatever it is I need to do to be comfortable so I was determined to push past this. And, with some work, I did.

Here are some things that you can do to manage your depression as the world is falling apart.

#1 – Allow yourself to cry.

Recently I have been having some arm problems and I have been seeing a rolfer to help me. She told me that she thought my arm problems were emotional – that the stress I was under was showing up in my body.

She encouraged me to let those emotions go. To really sit with the emotions when they crop up and let my body deal with them.

So, I did. I sat in the bathtub and cried. And cried. And cried. I took many deep breaths in between sobs. I allowed my body to let go of what I was feeling

As I cried, my mind kept wandering off to ways that I could fix what was causing the overwhelm but I would pull it back. I knew that now was the time for feeling my feelings and that later I would try to fix it.

An hour later I emerged from the bathtub, exhausted. I went to bed and woke up in the morning, feeling great, ready to manage my depression in a productive way.

If you are trying to manage your depression, try doing what I did. Sit with your feelings. Let your body process the emotions and let them go. When you do this, you are setting yourself up for managing your depression for a life of success.

#2 – Take stock of what is bringing you down.

A big part of how to manage your depression is knowing what is causing it. If we don ‘ t know what is depressing us it is impossible to deal with it.

So, the day after my crying jag, I made a list of the things that might be making me depressed. I was in the middle of a big move, away from my kids. I had developed a frozen shoulder over the past year. I was going to be on the road a lot over the next week doing presentations. My dog was habitually pooping in my son ‘ s room at night. My boyfriend was going through a really hard time in his personal life.

I also thought about all that was going on in the world around me. The Covid-19, which had been happening for a few months, and the demonstrations and the accompanying unrest, were super scary and made me unsure about the future of our my children and our wonderful nation. Those things were making my depression worse and I hadn ‘ t even noticed it.

It was amazing how freeing it was to identify all of the things that I had going on in my life. By doing so, I didn ‘ t feel ashamed of my depression, ashamed that I was weak and couldn ‘ t handle my life. Seeing all of the things that I had going on made me realize that my depression was merited.

And that made me motivated to deal with it.

#3 – Make a plan.

I believe that to get through anything you need to have a plan. Without a plan, you are going to approach things haphazardly and any success will be purely luck.

So, for me, I had to look at the things that were depressing me and figure out how to attack them.

As to my move – I made a list of what needed to be done. I made a plan to travel to see my kids regularly. I vowed to cut down the number of presentations that I was doing. I would try feeding my dog earlier in the evening so that she could do her business before I went to bed. And I wouldn ‘ t take my boyfriend ‘ s problems on myself – they were his problems, not mine.

And, to manage my depression around the outside world, I promised myself that I would not look at the news more than twice a day and to acknowledge that our country has gotten through worse and that it would survive, even if it took a while.

Making a plan for dealing with my depression helped calm me down pretty quick. Knowing that I had a plan gave me the freedom to take some deep breaths and get ready to deal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

One thing that I realized when I was taking inventory of what was making me depressed was that I had stopped taking care of myself. I was so depressed that I wasn ‘ t walking everyday like I usually did. I was traveling a lot so I wasn ‘ t eating well. My sleep was off and I was drinking more than usual.

A big part of being strong enough to deal with overwhelm is taking care of yourself. Keeping your body and mind healthy gives you the tools that you need for overcoming overwhelm for a life of success.

So, take care of yourself. What are the best things that you can do for yourself right now?

#5 – Ask for help.

We women believe that we can do it all by ourselves. That no one else can do it as well as we can and that if we ask for help we are admitting that we just can ‘ t do it ourselves.

Well, let me tell you that I know, from personal experience, that that just isn ‘ t true. We all needhelp and if we can ask for it then we can do anything.

For me, I knew that I really needed to get my arm taken care of because having an injured wing made everything much worse. So, I started seeing a rolfer, an acupuncturist and a chiropractor. These practitioners are not only helping me with my arm but they are helping me deal with all of the emotions that are causing the overwhelm.

I have also asked my boyfriend to help me manage things around the house and have hired a contractor to do what he can ‘ t. I am parceling out my presentations to people I have trained to do them, people who really can do as good a job as me. And I recently got some CBD oil to help me sleep.

When I sleep the world is just a better place.

I also started seeing my therapist again. She is a good person to talk to about how to manage my depression in the midst of my personal, and extended, issues. It ‘ s always helpful to have a listening ear when one is struggling.

So, ask for help if you need it. Don ‘ t go it alone. There are people out there who can and want to help you so go for it.

Being able to manage your depression in the midst of personal and public chaos can be difficult to do. There is so much going on and so much stress in our lives and the prospect of managing it all can seem impossible.

But it is possible!

Let yourself feel your emotions, identify what is overwhelming you, make a plan, take care of yourself and ask for help!

This is your life to live. Take the reins and live it well. You can do it!

5 Ways Setting Expectations after Breaking Up Can Help You Move On

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The importance of setting expectations after breaking up is not something that can not be overemphasized.

You have been in a relationship with this person for weeks, months or years and now that relationship is ending and what is next? Life without the other person is uncharted territory, territory that, believe it or not, if you manage it together, you will be able get past and move on faster.

Setting expectations after breaking up can be a complicated, especially when the emotions around break ups are so fraught. Let me share with you 5 expectations that you can set TOGETHER that will help you both manage those crazy emotions and move on.

#1 – No stalking.

One of the biggest problems with social media is that, after breaking up, we have endless access to information about our exes.

Instagram, Snapchat, Facebook etc allow us to, from the comfort of our own home, watch as the life of our ex unfolds without us. Whether what we see posted is reflective of the truth or not, when we see our ex happy without us it cuts us to the core.

A client of mind knew that she had to break up with her boyfriend of 8 years and was ready to move on. And then he got a new girlfriend and she became obsessed with how the new relationship happily played out on Instagram. As a result, she was drawn more and more back into her feelings for him, missing him and wondering if things could have been different. And then one day he called, told her he was miserable and she learned that all the posts she had been obsessed were social media curated.

So, when setting expectations after breaking up, make sure that one of them is that you unfriend/unfollow each other immediately. If you can make that decision together, that you can disconnect from each other electronically so that you can get on with your lives, then one or both of you won ‘ t be hurt when you are blindsided about an unfollow notification.

I can promise you, if you can do this one thing, you will be a long way along the path of getting over your ex and moving on.

#2 – No trash talking.

Whether you do the breaking up or are broken up with, the anger that occurs at the end of a relationship can be very destructive. The desire to funnel that anger somewhere, to put it out there to the universe, to let others know what a jerk your ex is, is almost irresistible.

One of the most important things to keep in mind when you are setting expectations after breaking up is whether or not you BOTH can refrain from trash talking each other. What happened in your relationship was between the two of you. Yes, she might have cheated or he might have been abusive but that is between the two of you. The impulse to get sympathy from someone else from telling a one sided story is never productive and usually ends up with more acrimony and anger.

So, when talking through setting expectations after breaking up, agree that the issues that you had will stay between you and that neither of you will talk badly about each other to the world.

At the very least, not talking about your ex will help you move past them. Every time you rehash things with anyone, everything just gets stirred up again.

#3 – No yo-yoing.

Another very important expectation to set after ending your relationship is that there will be no yo-yoing.

Yo-yong is the very painful occurrence when one person keeps coming and going in a relationship. One person says they want out of the relationship but then changes their mind, comes back and then leaves again. Or they drunk text for a booty call. Or they say they want to try again but not tell anyone.

For those of us who have had our heart broken, the inclination to give our ex a second chance is hard to resist. So, we do and, for a few days, life is grand. And then they leave again and we go back to where we were, broken and in pain.

For those of us who have broken up, we get bored or lonely or depressed and we want to soothe ourselves and who better to do so with then our ex.

Yo-yoing isn ‘ t good for anyone. The coming and going messes with everyone ‘ s emotions – the person who got left is hurt over and over and the person who keeps coming bac

k feels guilty, stupid and confused.

Agree, when you break up, that what you have decided is for good and that, even if loneliness or boredom directs you towards self-sabotage, you will not reunite with your ex and start the craziness all over again.

#4 – No closure.

If there is one thing that I believe is the most nonproductive and pain producing part of the end of a relationship, it ‘ s ‘ ˜closure. ‘

I truly believe that closure is purely an excuse for the person being left to have one more face to face with their ex so that they can spend time with them and perhaps talk them into coming back.

Closure usually involves hours of circular conversations and ends with lots of tears and still no resolution. No matter what is said, both people go away broken and in pain.

One of my exes and I agreed on the ineffectiveness of ‘ ˜closure ‘ and so, when we broke up, we just moved on. It was hard but it was much easier for me to get past the break up having no contact with him. Months later, after we had both suffered and recovered, we ran into each other and to this day are very good friends. I believe it ‘ s because we didn ‘ t have to go round and round and suck the life out of each other, analyzing our break up.

So, after breaking up, it ‘ s important that both sides make an effort to say what they need to say so that they can both move on and find happiness.

#5 – No friendship.

I know – this sounds really harsh, but, in reality, being friends after a breakup is counterproductive and just leads to more pain.

If you have been in a romantic, intimate relationship with someone, being friends is a big leap of faith, especially if one party has been blindsided by the break up.

Friendship involves trust and kindness and confidence and loyalty and, usually, when people go through a break up, these things have been absent for a while. To try to be friends with someone who you have hurt, or who has hurt you, is, I believe, more often than not, a reason to spend more time with this person you love or fill the void left when you dumped them

I do believe that, after a time, after the intense pain has passed, people can be friends again but in the short term, while anger and hurt abound, being friends will only prolong the break up and the pain.

Setting expectations after breaking up sounds like an impossible thing to do but, if done with intention, it can make a big difference in the amount of pain that is endured and the amount of time it takes to move on.

After breaking up, agree to rules around social media, agree to not talk badly about each other to friends and family, agree that the break up has happened and that there will be no turning back, that there will be no closure and no friendship in the short term.

I know that you are in pain right now and that your ex is probably struggling as well. If you can work together, setting expectations, you will be able to move on quickly and healthily and find the love that you have always sought!

You can do it!

5 Essential Boundaries That Can Help A Marriage Survive Infidelity

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Infidelity can rock even the most stable marriage. Fortunately, there are 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity.

To understand relationship boundaries, look at the four walls of your house. Those walls are the structure that holds the pieces of your life together. They hold your food and your bed and your possessions and it ‘ s where you live your life.

Healthy marriage boundaries are the same as those four walls of your house. They are the things that support your marriage as it matures. To have a healthy marriage, one that can grow and be fruitful, it is important that it has structures, boundaries, that support it.

Establishing boundaries in your marriage when you are working through infidelity is an excellent way to help you get on with the healing and create a healthy, infidelity-proof, marriage.

So, what are the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity?

#1 – There can be no contact. None.

The number one essential boundary, the one without which any efforts to survive the infidelity will be ineffective, is that the cheater have no contact with the person with whom they were having an affair. This means no phone calls, no texting, no in-person contact and no following on social media. None.

Unless the cheater can break the tie that binds the two lovers together, there is no chance that the marriage can survive. The things that initially brought the two together are things that still exist and those things are strong and compelling. If the cheater is allowed to continue that attachment, it will leave no room for the married couple to get closer again.

So, set a boundary that the cheater will no longer be in contact with their lover and, if necessary, set up systems whereby the betrayed partner can be assured that, in fact, the contact is not happening.

If your partner won ‘ t agree to going no contact, I would encourage you to walk away and start living life on your own.

#2 – A promise of openness.

One of the most interesting things that I have discovered in my work with spouses who have been betrayed in their marriage is the fact that they are eager to know all of the details around the affair. How it started, where the lovers met, what was the sex like, why didn ‘ t it end. All of these things, partners are eager to know. And they are details that cheaters are loathe to share.

While I personally believe that having all of this information isn ‘ t necessarily going to help a couple in the healing process, many people can not move forward without the details. Unfortunately, many of the betrayers do not want to share the gory details with their spouses.

Many cheaters are filled with shame and remorse about what they did and the prospect of sharing the details with their spouses only reinforces that shame. Because of this, many cheaters refuse to get into details and, instead, shut down and/or get angry with their spouses. As you can imagine, this behavior does not aid in the healing process.

It is important that, if your spouse wants the details, that you be willing to share them. Doing so will allow your partner to stop running negative tapes in their head, ones that are perhaps false, and allow them to start moving forward. Furthermore, it will go a long way towards restoring trust because the partner will know that the cheater is willing to give them the information that they need.

#3 – No passive aggression.

Many people who have been cheated on are very angry. Deeply angry, betrayed and hurt. And, for many people, conveying that anger and hurt in a productive way is impossible. Instead, their anger comes out as passive aggression and that doesn ‘ t help anybody.

The definition of passive aggressive behavior ‘ ˜is a way to express feelings of anger or annoyance, but in a non-forthcoming way. Instead of communicating openly, people who engage in this type ofbehaviorshare their negative feelings through actions. ‘

What might passive aggression look like? Snide comments about the affair, unkind asides about the integrity of their partner, slamming doors, damaging property, being unkind and unsupportive etc.

Passive aggressive behaviors only serve to prolong the anger and slow the healing. Instead of practicing passive aggressive behaviors, I encourage spouses to speak their anger out loud. Of course, they can yell (which can be good as it releases pent up energy) but the best way to do so is to express your anger in a tempered way so that your partner truly understands how you feel.

#4 – Keep what happened private.

For a client of mine, after she confronted her husband about his cheating, he right away deleted the emails that she had discovered. Why did he do that? Because he was worried that his wife was going to share the emails with all of her friends so that they could analyze them together. He didn ‘ t want the embarrassment and wanted to keep it between them so he deleting the emails.

He was right – his wife would definitely have shared those email with her friends. And it wouldn ‘ t have helped anything.

For many women, the need to discuss what happened with a close friend or confident is compelling. I am not saying that they shouldn ‘ t do that but I do think that it ‘ s important that they do so with only one person and that the affair not be shared with the wider social group. Having people discuss a couple ‘ s private life, to get themselves involved where they shouldn ‘ t and perhaps breed a taking of sides, will only serve to magnify what happened and stop the healing from happening.

Instead of sharing the affair with people outside of the partnership, I would encourage people to consult professionals to process what has happened, either individually or as a couple. A professional can help you work through the infidelity without an agenda, using learned skills to help you heal.

#5 – Agree to seek help.

The last of the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity is the agreement to seek help.

When there is infidelity, a couple trying to save their marriage is in uncharted waters. Because they have never been through this before they have no idea what to do and none of the necessary skills. It is important that they are willing to seek help to process what has happened and gain skills to work through it.

Often times, after infidelity, one partner is willing to get therapy but the other partner wants to work through it alone, or ignore it all together. ‘ Why can ‘ t we just move on? ‘ they say. But, if your partner isn ‘ t willing to agree to seek help then the chances of surviving infidelity, and truly find yourself back to each other as a couple, could be less than none.

So, as soon as you can, before bad habits set in, I would encourage couples to seek help. I believe that couples therapy is essential but that individual therapy is an excellent idea as well. The cheater will need to process what happened and their guilt around it. The partner will need to work through their feelings of worthlessness and betrayal. If they do their individual work, the more successful their work together will be.

Now that you know the 5 essential boundaries that can help a marriage survive infidelity you can start working together towards saving your marriage.

Couples must commit to working through the aftermath of an affair together. The knowledge and acceptance of certain skills and behaviors is the key to making it happen.

Agree that there will be no contact, that the betrayed partner can ask questions without being met with anger and silence, that there will be no passive aggression but meaningful expression of emotions, that what happened will remain private and that professional help will be sought.

Many, many couples can, and do, survive infidelity but to do so they must work together with the goal in mind of getting through this and establishing a healthier relationship.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be eager to fix your marriage after infidelity.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

Why Ignoring Relationship Expectations is a Recipe for Disaster

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If there is one single thing that could destroy your relationship its ignoring relationship expectations. If you and your partner set expectations for your relationship and one or both of you ignore them, your relationship will suffer and, most likely, fail.

Relationship expectations can, and should, be set by couples when they are in a relationship. Expectations are things that each couple needs to feel loved and respected. When my boyfriend and I started dating, I asked that he do his best to do what he said he would do. He asked me to respect the importance of him having a car project going at all times. We both accepted these expectations, or conditions, and we have both worked hard to meet them. It wasn ‘ t always easy but it works.

I can promise you that, if we ignored these expectations, our relationship would be in shambles.

So, why does ignoring relationship expectations spell out disaster for relationships? Here are 5 reasons why.

#1 – It causes lost of trust.

When people are ignoring relationship expectations that have been defined and set by two people, one of the reasons that it is a recipe for disaster is because of the trust that is lost when one person doesn ‘ t respect the other ‘ s needs.

When I was married, once the children were born, it was very important to me that my husband get home in time for dinner. We had talked about how important is was for both of us to have a family dinner and, as a result, we agreed that him getting home on time was important.

Unfortunately, work often got in the way. He would be absorbed in what he was doing and couldn ‘ t break free or his boss would stop him in the parking lot and need to talk about something or a co-worker would need him right then and there. And those excuses are reasonable but they soon became the norm and not the exception.

As my ex had an increasing tendency to be late for dinner, my trust in his willingness to meet my expectation that he get home for dinner on time was lost. Because I didn ‘ t trust him around this expectation, I struggled to trust him around other expectations. And the less I didn ‘ t trust him the harder I was on him and the harder I was on him the less motivated he was to meet my expectations.

Losing trust because of ignoring relationship expectations was the beginning of the end of our marriage.

#2 – It means guessing which can wreck havoc.

Many of my female clients, and friends, often say to me ‘ ˜If he loved me, he would know what I want. I shouldn ‘ t have to tell him. ‘ This, I tell them, is a pipe dream and not setting clear expectations, but instead asking them to figure them out, is a recipe for disaster.

Think about that time you tried to make your wife happy by taking out the garbage and doing the recycling on the weekend. You do those things because you want to make your wife happy and you feel like you are doing your part. Unfortunately, while she appreciates your efforts, it might not be the expectation that she has about the weekend.

Perhaps she wanted to be able to go for a walk with friends and have you stay home with the children. Or perhaps she wanted to do something with you. Whatever it is was, if you ignored it, or didn ‘ t remember it, she will feel let down and unloved.

This paradox happens in the other direction, of course, that a woman is ignoring relationship expectations that she and her husband have agreed on but, in many cases, women are more intuitive and can anticipate what her man needs and make it happen.

So, if you are struggling to meet your relationship expectations, talk to your partner and make sure you know exactly what each one of you needs so that you don ‘ t have to guess. Guessing just doesn ‘ t work.

#3 – It causes pain.

Unfortunately, ignoring relationship expectations can be disastrous because, when we do so, we can cause our partner significant pain.

For many people, having their expectations met equals being loved. If one person is repeatedly not meeting their partner ‘ s expectations that person will start to feel not loved. They will believe that their partner no longer cares for them enough to be concerned about what they want and they will be devastated.

That being said, if your partner isn ‘ t meeting your expectations regularly and you are starting to feel hurt and unloved, it is important to take a look at your relationship. You can identify if perhaps your partner has pulled away and might not in fact love you and want to meet your expectations. They are scared to say they are done and they, most likely subconsciously, use their actions to express what they feel.

Either way, ignoring relationship expectations and letting your partner down can cause a lot of hurt, hurt that could end the relationship.

#4 – It breeds resentment.

Resentment, and the contempt that often results from resentment, is one of the biggest killers in a relationship.

When a person finds that their expectations are no longer being met or, even worse, being ignored, then they will start to get resentful. The hurt and lack of trust caused by their partners actions, will build up over time until the relationship between the two people becomes full of anger and misery.

Know that ignoring relationship expectations can lead to two of the biggest destructive forces in a relationship, resentment and contempt. Once those things become part of a relationship, they are hard to let go of and they will eventually destroy it.

#5 – It renders someone irrelevant.

When my ex regularly didn ‘ t come home for dinner on time, I used to tell him that if he was my employee, I would fire him. He was consistently letting me down and not only interfering with our family dinners but also causing me a significant amount of pain because I didn ‘ t feel important to him. That pain was unbearable at times.

Over the years, as I was more and more let down by his struggle with getting home on time and completing other expectations that we had set, I eventually started not counting on him at all. We would have dinners without him, I would hire people to do chores that he didn ‘ t have time for and I wouldn ‘ t include him in things that I knew he would struggle with attending.

His actions had, I said, rendered him irrelevant. Our marriage didn ‘ t last much longer after that.

Ignoring relationship expectations can be a recipe for disaster and if you can work hard to not do so you will be going a long way towards keeping your relationship healthy.

It is very important that relationship expectations are defined and, if they don ‘ t happen, that couples return to the discussion and see what they can do to shift the expectations to suit everyone.

I know now that my ex and I weren ‘ t good at redefining expectations when they weren ‘ t met and that there were things that we both struggled with that made it hard to manage expectations in a healthy way. He struggled with ADD and I struggled with depression and our, as I like to say, baggage didn ‘ t match. Unfortunately, we figured out these issues too late to save our marriage

So, if your partner is having a hard time meeting your expectations, try to understand that it might not be because he or she doesn ‘ t love you but because they have issues that make it very difficult to meet them.

On the other hand, if your partner is ignoring relationship expectations it might be a good time to take a good hard look at the why. Is it that they want to meet them and struggle to or that they really don ‘ t care anymore? Looking at those things will help you figure out the next steps in your relationship whether you want to move forward together or leave the relationship so that you can find a partner who is more suited.

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with relationship expectations.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

He Doesn’t Want A Relationship. Why Won’t He Let Me Go?

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Are you in a relationship with a guy who you know isn ‘ t all in?

Does he tell you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but does he still want to spend time with you and have sex with you and hang out with your friends?

Does he tell you, and sometimes show you, that he really likes you but he just doesn ‘ t like you ‘ ˜like that? ‘

Do his actions leave you absolutely dumbfounded as to how he is feeling? Do you feel like you are a yo-yo, someone who is being constantly pushed away and then pulled back in? Are you starting to lose your mind, wondering why, if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship, does he stick around?

There are a number of reasons why a guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he doesn ‘ t want a relationship. Here are a few of them.

#1 – Loneliness.

It is the human condition to want to be part of a pair. Being alone is, for many of us, not a comfortable place.

If your guy tells you that he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, one of the reasons that he won ‘ t let you go is that he is lonely.

Why would he choose to be alone if he knows that you are ready and available to hang out with him whenever he feels lonely? I mean, he likes hanging out with you, so why not?

He knows that he doesn ‘ t want to have a relationship with you but, because he is unable to fill the space that might be left in your absence, he keeps you around so that he won ‘ t be alone.

And you probably are willing to stay because you don ‘ t enjoy being alone either.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, even if he isn ‘ t all in, it could very well be not because of you but because he doesn ‘ t want to be alone.

#2 – Insecurity.

A guy who says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go is a guy who is most likely very insecure.

A guy who is insecure is not clear in his decisions. He says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship but he then wavers, wondering if he ‘ s made the right choice. He keeps hanging around, hoping that things could be different. He is constantly second guessing himself and pulling you into it.

Guys who are secure are more definitive in their decisions and more apt to follow through on them. The guy who is secure will make his decision and move in that direction.

Furthermore, a guy who keeps you around without a commitment could be a guy who feels insecure with his place in the world. Not being in a couple could make him feel unsafe and unwanted. The idea of trying to find another person to date is daunting and, as a result, he stays, knowing that you are into him and that will make him feel better about himself. At your expense.

Is your guy insecure? If yes, that could be a big reason why isn ‘ t willing to let you go.

#3 – Sex.

This will be no surprise to any of you – guys want, no need, to have sex.

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you go, he could very well be doing so just for the sex.

I have a client who wanted a divorce from his wife and he moved out. In spite of this, he regularly had sex with her. I asked him why and he said ‘ ˜Why would I not take any opportunity to have sex? ‘ This man is a good guy but he just didn ‘ t understand that, for women, sex is about connection and having sex with her was signal that he might still want her. Once heunderstood that having sex with her was leading her to believe they had a chance, he stopped doing so. He wasn ‘ t happy to be going without sex but he knew that he didn ‘ t want to lead her on.

So, when your guy stays around, does he do so for sex? Think about it.

#4 – Habit.

One thing that ‘ s very interesting about relationships is the habits that they create.

By habits I mean those things that you do together regularly. Maybe it ‘ s Wednesday night movies, or Saturday trips to museums or lunch time meetings at the sushi place. These are things do you guys enjoyed doing together. When you are no longer together, those spaces and time are left empty and might be difficult to fill.

If your guy tells you he wants to spend time with you but doesn ‘ t want a relationship it ‘ s often because of habits that you have developed together, doing things together that you both enjoy.

So, if your guy won ‘ t let you go, it might be because he can ‘ t break those habits. Because they have been so ingrained in the fabric of his life that he doesn ‘ t want to let them go. As a result, he won ‘ t let you go, which only leaves you confused and upset.

#5 – Options.

For many guys who say they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship but aren ‘ t willing to let you go, they do so so that they can keep their options open.

Yes, they don ‘ t want to be in a relationship with you but they like hanging out with you well enough so they continue to do so. But, by telling you they aren ‘ t interested in a relationship, they can keep their options in case someone else comes along.

Imagine if your guy meets someone else and you find out. When you call him on it he says ‘ ˜but we aren ‘ t in a relationship. ‘ And, this being true, in fact this being declared, will allow him to move on with absolutely no guilt. If you aren ‘ t in a relationship then he believes that he has done nothing wrong and push you away.

And, while this is technically true, hopeful you will be left devastated!

When your guy says he doesn ‘ t want a relationship but won ‘ t let you move on, your life can quickly become harder than it would be if he would just disappear altogether.

If your guy disappears from your life, it’s easier to get over him and to move on but if he keeps showing up at your door with his handsome face you ‘ ll just get sucked back in and the pain will continue.

So, take a good look why your guy might be hanging around. Is he doing it because he feels lonely or because he can ‘ t break the habit or he because just wants to get laid? Is he feeling insecure about his place in the world and needs you to help him feel better about himself? Or perhaps he is using you as a place filler until he finds someone better.

Ultimately, if your guy says he doesn ‘ t want to be in a relationship, believe him. Guys who want to be in a relationship will pursue you until they win you or they will walk away. Guys who are existing in this grey area between relationship and friendship are guys who will never commit to you.

It ‘ s up to you to walk away and look for someone who will recognize how amazing you are and embrace a relationship with you as the best thing that could ever happen to him.

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really really confused about your relationship.

Let me help you, NOW, before you get really hurt.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things that Guys Going Through a Break up Need to Do NOW

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Ok, one of the things that isn ‘ t just in the world is that guys going through a break up often have NO idea what to do to get through it and out the other side intact.

I remember my daughter, when she was 16, telling me about her friend who had her heart broken. I asked her what she told her friend to do. My daughter said ‘ Go eat ice cream. ‘ This from my daughter who had never had a broken heart herself.

The same thing happened with my son. When I asked what he said, I got a shrug. That ‘ s it.

Women, by nature, are emotional and tend to process break ups in a way where they can get past them and move on. Men, unfortunately, don ‘ t always naturally possess the skills, nor have they been taught how, to process their emotions. As a result, they can get stalled out and stay damaged after a relationship ends.

Fortunately, there are things that guys going through a break up can do now to get through this pain and get on with their lives.

#1 – Feel the pain.

I can ‘ t tell you how many songs I have heard over the years about men who are going through a break up and how they do so with whiskey and women, the ultimate self-medication tools.

‘ The best way to get over someone is to get under someone else ‘ is the prevailing wisdom I hear from many of my male friends.

Let me tell you that, while getting under someone else will make you feel better in the moment, really, it ‘ s just a short term fix. Women and whisky will definitely make you feel awesome in the short term but the morning after will be harsh. Not only will you not feel better about your place in the world, you will most likely feel worse!

It is important that, if you are going through a break up and really struggling, you let yourself feel the pain. Yes, pain is uncomfortable, and even scary, but it is important that you let it in, feel it and let it go. If you stuff it down it will just get stuck in your body and you will spend the rest of your life drinking whiskey and chasing women who aren ‘ t good for you, always angry at the one who let you go.

I know that the prospect seems scary but, truly, feeling the pain of a broken heart, while it feels horrible, is no worse than the pain of a damaged limb and, with treatment, you will get past it. How many times have you hurt your body over the years? Do you still have pain? I am guessing not.

So, for guys going through a break up, know that the pain might be uncomfortable but know that, if you feel it instead of bury it, it will pass.

#2 – Be decisive.

So, you have just broken up with your person or they have broken up with you. How are you feeling? Alone? Scared for the future? Bored? Horny?

If you are feeling any of those things, do not reach out to your ex. Period.

What often happens after a break up is that one or both of the partners start to feel lonely. They have been in a relationship and enjoyed having someone to play with and the break up creates a void in which you are alone. What also happens is that we are left with more time on our hands and we get bored. Or, if we go long enough without, we might get horny and seek out a willing, and vetted, partner.

And, when you follow your instinct on any of those things and reach out to your ex, unless you TRULY want to reunite with them, you will just create more of a mess than already exists. Instead of the clean break that you had, you will get on this cycle of more talks and recriminations and pain.

So, if you are tempted to reach out to your person for any reason other than a true reconciliation, don ‘ t. It will only bring up all the pain again and prevent you from moving on.

#3 – Take responsibility.

What many of us do when we are in pain is we look to blame someone else. Especially if we know we are wrong, human beings have a hard time taking a good hard look at themselves and truly accept responsibility for the break down of the relationship.

Now I am not saying that you need to take all of the responsibility for the break down of the relationship but I would encourage you to take stock and see where you might have contributed to what happened.

Did you perhaps put her second some of the time? Were you short tempered with her when she interrupted a game? Did you consistently ignore what she asked you to do? What were you not so good at that might have led to the end of it all?

It is important to take stock of your role in a break up so that you can learn from it and not do it again. Instead of bringing unhealthy behaviors into a new relationship, make an effort to identify yours and set out to bring about change.

If you don ‘ t, you will be destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over and ultimately end up alone and unhappy.

#4 – Open up.

This might be the hardest thing for guys going through a break up to do. What I am going to ask you to do next is find someone to talk to and be open and honest with them.

Men have, through the ages, have been taught to keep their feelings inside, that sharing their emotions might make them seem weak. As a result, men have a tendency to keep bottled up, where they never sees the light of day and where they can tend to fester and rot.

When we are struggling with breakups, it ‘ s important that we find one person we can process what we are going through, one person who can listen to us and share perspectives and help us see what went wrong and what you can do differently going forward.

If you have a friend who can play that role, use him or her. If not, find a life coach (like me!) who can help you process what you are feeling and move on!

#5 – Take your time.

As I stated above, jumping from one relationship to another is a recipe for disaster. And, if you start to have sex with random women it could get even worse.

If you hop into another relationship without processing and getting over your past relationship you will simply bring all of your issues with you into your new one, dooming it for failure. Not only will you cause more pain for yourself but you will also cause pain to another person, perhaps pain like you are feeing right now.

If you decide to hop into bed with lots of random people you will only be using those women as a Band-aid for your broken heart. In reality, you will emerge from those trysts feeling empty and worse about yourself. And, once again, you will be causing other people pain.

As much as the instinct is there to either sleep with someone or get into another relationship, I would encourage you to pause and do some of the things listed above. I know you are feeling sad and lonely and eager to pair up again but know that, if you do it too quickly, you will be doomed to repeat the same mistakes and to ultimately be left alone.

Guys going through a break up sometimes resemble a deer in the headlights – knowing that they are in danger but having no idea how to get through it.

I believe that men have it in them to get through a broken heart and thrive after but that many of them struggle with how to get actually do it. If you are a guy, reading this article right now, good for you for looking for guidance in how to heal and move on from your break up.

I would encourage you not push past the pain but to feel it, to decide to stay or go and don ‘ t waver, to take responsibility, to find someone to talk to and to not get into a rebound relationship.

I know that you feel really horrible right now but know that, with some patience and a little bit of work, not only will the pain go away but you will be in the right place to move forward and find the happiness that you have always longed for!

You can do it!

If you have made this far you must really be wanting to get past your broken heart.

Let me help you, NOW, before it gets worse!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

 

How to Let Go of Someone You Love After Infidelity

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Are you wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity, after that certain someone has had an affair?

Do you still love your person but are you unsure if you want to stay or let go of them in light of what they have done?

Are you super confused and overwhelmed and not sure what to do next?

There are some questions that you can ask yourself when you are wondering how to let go of someone you love after infidelity. Knowing the answers to these questions, the WHY you need to move on, will help you get some clarity on whether truly letting go and moving on is an option for you.

#1 – Can you ever trust them again?

A very large part of being in a healthy relationship is trust. Without trust, a relationship is doomed to fail.

Your person has had an affair. They have violated your trust. Do you think that you can ever learn to trust them again?

Will you be okay when they say they have to work late? Will you always need to check their phone? Will you wonder every time you can ‘ t account for their whereabouts for a few hours? Will you be upset whenever you see them talk to someone of the opposite sex?

The answers to these questions will help you figure out if you need to let go of someone you love after infidelity because if you can ‘ t trust them, ultimately, they will make you supremely unhappy every day because your mind will always be going to dark places, places where you still suspect that your person is doing you wrong again.

So, if you can ‘ t trust your person, letting them go, even if you love them, might be the best thing to do.

#2 – Can you forgive them?

A big part of getting past someone ‘ s affair is to ask yourself if you can forgive them for what they have done.

To forgive an affair involves many pieces. It means accepting that your person is just a person who makes mistakes. It means forgiving yourself for missing the signs and accepting that you are not a fool. It means acknowledging that this is not your fault. It means that your person has taken responsibility for their actions and that they are committed to not doing it again.

There are many pieces to forgiveness and, while it is possible to forgive someone for their infidelity, if you know that you can ‘ t let go of what has happened, if you can ‘ t forgive your partner for their betrayal, then letting them go will be a good idea so that you can both move on.

#3 – Do you want to still be with them?

If you are reading this article, I am guessing that you still love your person. My question to you is, do you still like them? Like them enough to want to still be with them?

Many people stay in relationships with people even if they don ‘ t really want to be in relationship with them because they think they must do so. The option of leaving just isn ‘ t an option, for a variety of reasons.

And, if you don ‘ t want to be with someone, if you actively don’t like them, staying with them will just make you miserable. More miserable than leaving.

So, a good way to work towards deciding if you must let go of someone you love after they commit infidelity is to see if you really do want to be with them or you are just holding on to some kind of ‘ ˜should. ‘

#4 – Are you staying with them for the wrong reasons?

This is a very important thing to ask yourself. Why are you choosing to stay with this person? Yes, you love them, but if you feel like you can ‘ t trust them or forgive them then why are you staying?

Are you staying because of your kids, because of finances, because of public perception, because you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in divorce ‘ or you ‘ ˜don ‘ t believe in giving up? ‘

Are you staying for any reason other than the fact that you believe that you can forgive and trust and move past what has happened?

If the answer is yes, recognize what that thing is and ask yourself if that thing is worse than you being miserable for, perhaps, the rest of your life. Because that ‘ s what staying with them for the wrong reasons will do.

All of those things that are mentioned above are things that can be dealt with. Being miserable for the rest of your life will not be.

#5 – Have you tried everything?

For many people, when they let go of someone they love after infidelity, once they do, they have regrets.

The wonder if they did everything that they could do before they walked away. Did they work to trust and to forgive? Did they perhaps work with a life coach or therapist to process what has happened? Did they try couples counseling to try to work through, together, the issues in the relationship?

If you don ‘ t think that you have tried everything that you need to try before letting go of your someone, consider doing so before walking away.

Regret is a horrible thing and if you are considering letting go of someone you love and you haven ‘ t tried everything, you very well might regret it.

Learning how to let go of someone you love after infidelity is a very important next step in seeking future happiness.

It ‘ s not easy to let go of someone you love, even if they have betrayed you. It is important that you don ‘ t make the decision lightly but that you do so knowing that what you have and haven ‘ t done, what you can and can ‘ t do.

Knowing these things, knowing the WHY you are leaving someone, will make letting them go that much easier.

If you have made this far you must really struggling with whether to let go of someone you love.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

How Couples Survive During Times of Crisis

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We are going through an unprecedented crisis right now and many people are wondering how couples survive when times are as tough as these.

It ‘ s a good question. And, while these are particularly tough times, couples are often faced with crises over the course of their relationship. Jobs are lost, kids get in trouble, parents get old, cars are crashed ‘ ¦the list goes on and on.

And, with each and every crisis, couples have to navigate the murky waters that accompany them and try to help each other stay afloat.

So, how couples survive during times of crisis is by keeping these few things in mind.

#1 – Don ‘ t stop talking.

One thing that couples tend to really struggle with is communication.

Remember, at the beginning, when you would stay up until all hours of the night, sharing your history and your hopes and dreams? And now, after a certain amount of time together, the healthy communication has, to a large degree, slowed down.

Instead of talking about what each other wants or needs, couples tend to sink into themselves. Women often want their partners to know what they need without having to tell them. Men often have no idea what their partner needs and therefore are hesitant to try anything for fear of being wrong.

It is important that, when considering how couples survive during times of crisis, couples make an effort to communicate with their partners, not only their wants and needs but to talk to each other like human beings. When communication stops, it can be hard to start up again so keeping the lines of communication open will allow each person to know that their person is there for them if they need them to be and to know that they can, in turn, be there for their partner.

Surviving crises can be difficult as a couple but, if lines of communication are kept open, getting through them can often be easier as a team.

#2 – Respect each other ‘ s feelings.

I remember, at the beginning of this Covid-19 crisis, my partner and I had very different needs.

I needed to read everything about it that I could and share it out loud. My partner didn ‘ t want the constant updates because they were stressing him out. Because he is patient with me and loves me, he didn ‘ t tell me that my updates were stressing him out. Fortunately, one day he wasn ‘ t able to hide his feelings of anguish and I saw what my words were doing to him. So, I stopped updating him and still indulged my need to know everything. Silently.

Things doesn ‘ t always work out this way. Oftentimes couple ‘ s needs are so diametrically opposed to each other that they are completely incomprehensible to the other person. I have heard stories of couples who have lost children and were driven apart because of each other ‘ s modes of grieving. They just couldn ‘ t understand what the other was doing and it caused resentment and further anguish.

It is important to notice, as I did, or ask your partner, what they need in a crisis. What works for one person doesn ‘ t necessarily work for the other. And vice versa. If you can respect what your partner does and needs, and in turn share your own, you are more likely to be a model of how couples survive in a crisis and not one of many whose relationships just don ‘ t make it through.

#3 – Don ‘ t be selfish.

Many relationships have certain patterns, patterns that make their relationship special. Whether it ‘ s foot rubs in front of the TV or always being responsible for the laundry or getting up early to walk the dog, there are things that people do for each other to make them feel loved.

Often, the first thing that falls to the side during times of crisis is those patterns. Someone who used to do the dishes every night no longer does so because that is when the family comes together on a Zoom call to discuss their mother ‘ s illness. Or perhaps you no longer get foot rubs in front of the TV because your partner is exhausted from looking for jobs all day.

It is important that, if these things are happening, you try not to get selfish and resentful. Of course, you have needs, things that you have always received and need to feel loved, but try to understand that, during times of crisis, those things might fall to the side. I know that it ‘ s hard to do, to stay strong when your small needs aren ‘ t being met, but know that, most likely, it ‘ s only temporary and after this period of time has passed, things will go back to normal.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

The flip side of not being selfish is to take care of yourself. If your needs aren ‘ t being met by your partner, it is important that you practice self-care.

If your feet aren ‘ t getting rubbed at night, perhaps get a massage or see a reflexologist. If you are left with the dishes, build some time into your evening and know that it won ‘ t be forever. If you have to walk the dog, perhaps do so with a friend so that you can chat away, without guilt, for an hour. These patterns might be missing now but they won ‘ t be forever.

If we don ‘ t make an effort to take care of ourselves during times of crisis we can find ourselves full of resentment with our partners, resentment about being ignored and left behind during hard times. We need to love and care for ourselves so that we can stay strong, both for our health and the health of our relationship as a couple.

#5 – Get help.

Finally, if you find that you and your partner are circling the drain during this difficult time, it would be a good idea to get help. A therapist or a life coach will be able to help you deal with the things I addressed above. Many couples really struggle with them and having a professional help you can make all the difference.

You can find a therapist or life coach at www.psychologytoday.com or you can email me at [email protected] to get started.

It is very, very important that, if you find yourself pulling away from your spouse, you understand that the damage that is being caused by the disconnect might cause irreparable damage, so get ahead of it. Ask for some help. You will be glad you did!

When you look around and wonder how couples survive during times of crisis do you wonder if it ‘ s just you, is it just your relationship that doesn ‘ t seem strong enough to get through this?

I can promise you that you are not alone. Many couples really struggle when faced with difficult life experiences but many of them are successful at coming out the other side.

Make sure you keep the lines of communication open and ask what each other needs, to respect those needs without resentment, to try to put your own needs second and yet to take care of yourself at the same time and, if all else fails, get some help!

You and your partner can get through this. I know you can! And if I can help let me know!

 

If you have made this far you must really be wondering how couples survive in a crisis.

Let me help you, NOW, before it’s too late!

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

5 Things To Do if You Are Feeling Depressed in the Morning

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Are you finding that more and more you are feeling depressed in the morning? Is the current stay at home situation making it difficult for you to not feel full of hopelessness and despair.

Or perhaps, even before all of this started, you found yourself waking up and feeling depressed in the morning, which tended, more often than not, to sabotage your day?

Waking up and feeling depressed is a horrible thing. It messes with the rest of our day and makes us miss out on a whole lot of living.

So, what do you do if you are feeling depressed in the morning?

#1 – GET OUT OF BED.

The most important thing to do if you are feeling depressed in the morning is to GET OUT OF BED.

The emphasis that I put on this small action is because it is so important.

When we are depressed, our inclination is to stay in bed, under the warm covers. And yes, sleep feels really good when we are depressed but the toxic thoughts that rear their ugly head are not.

When you are feeling depressed in the morning and you can ‘ t get up the energy to get out of bed, do your thoughts go to dark places? Do you start ruminating about everything that is wrong with your life? Do you think about what a loser you are? How you will always be alone? How lazy you are that you can ‘ t even get out of bed?

The longer that you stay in bed, listening to those damaging thoughts in your head, the more depressed you will get. So, get out of bed.

How? I have a number of friends who have some great ideas about how to get out of bed and stay out of bed. Get out of bed to go to the bathroom and then strip your bed of your sheets. Or remove the mattress from the box spring. Or cover your bed with junk. Whatever it takes so that you will not sink yourself back into that cozy den of dark thoughts.

So, GET OUT OF BED. If you don’t, your depression will definitely stay with you for the rest of the day, if not longer.

#2 – Take a shower.

Believe it or not, taking a shower can be an excellent cause for some relief if you are feeling depressed in the morning.

There are a few reasons why. The first is that taking a shower is something that people do on a day that is going to be productive – i.e. when they are seeing friends or going to work. Taking a shower will send a signal to your brain that today is not a day to stay home depressed but to go out in the world, whether you need to or not.

Also, scientific research has shown that hot (and cold) water can be a great anti-depressant. I know that a hot shower, with a cold rinse, or a hot bath can make all the difference for me on a depressed day.

So, take a shower. Wash your hair. Get yourself presentable and ready for your day!

#3 – Eat Breakfast.

I know. You are depressed and the last thing in the world that you want to do is eat anything, much less breakfast.

Eating when you are depressed is an essential tool for lifting your depression. Your body, and your brain, doesn ‘ t function optimally when it has no fuel. When you wake up in the morning and your fuel tank is on empty, the chances of you jumping out of bed and feeling 100% are slim to none.

So, after your shower, put something in your stomach. Something that will give your brain and your body the energy to face the day and get you out of the house and living.

#4 – Do something that makes you happy.

Once you are up, bathed and fed, the goal of your day should be to do at least one thing that makes you happy.

Whether it ‘ s watching a TV show, hanging out with a friend, taking your dog for a walk or having a hot bath, doing even one thing that makes you happy will raise your dopamine levels which in turn will alleviate your depression, even if for a brief time.

The very best thing that you could do for yourself, even if it ‘ s not one of your favorites, is to get some exercise. Exercise, of any kind, raises your dopamine levels and dopamine is essential for mood health. So, if you can get out there and walk or run or dance, you will be glad you did.

#5 – Believe that this will pass.

When we are depressed, it ‘ s very easy for us to believe that this will never pass, that we will always be depressed. When you are in the middle of a depression, the future always looks bleak.

What I am here to tell you is that, from the perspective of someone who isn ‘ t depressed, your world will get better. That the things that are making you feel so down today will not necessarily make you feel horrible tomorrow. If you can just get through this day then chances are that tomorrow, or the next day, your depression will pass and you will be happy again.

Of course, if you find that your depression isn ‘ t passing, or that it ‘ s getting worse, it ‘ s important that you get help.

There are different types of depression and some of them don ‘ t get better without treatment. In fact, some of them get worse the longer they go untreated. So, if you find yourself feeling depressed in the morning but find that your depression is not getting better, reach out to your primary doctor and let them help you get through this.

Feeling depressed in the morning is not fun. After a good night ‘ s sleep, before the day begins, one hopes to have just a few moments of peace to enjoy the corner of the world in which we live. When we are depressed, those moments of peace are stolen from us.

So, if you are feeling depressed in the morning, get out of bed, take a shower, eat some breakfast, do something that you love to do and have some hope. Depression is horrible but it doesn ‘ t have to ruin your life.

Do the things that you need to do NOW to manage your depression before it gets worse!

If you have made this far you must really be feeling depressed in the morning.

Let me help you, NOW, before your depression gets worse.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

7 Reasons You Can’t Break Up with Someone Even if You Know You Should

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Are you in a relationship that you know isn ‘ t working but are you having a hard time ending things? Are you wondering why you can ‘ t break up with someone even though you know you should?

Breaking up with someone, whether we want to do so or not, is never easy. We go into relationships with such hope and ending them can seem like the end of a dream. Or the end of a nightmare.

There are a few reasons why you can ‘ t break up someone even if you know you should. Being aware of them might make breaking up a little bit easier.

#1 -You are worried about your social group.

I know that it seems weird but for many people they are concerned about breaking up with someone because of the effect that it will have on their social group.

I actually have two clients who both know that they aren ‘ t right for each other but they are worried what will happen to their softball team if they break up. Will they both continue to be able to play? Will the drinks out afterwards be uncomfortable?

I have a client who is married and considering a divorce. She is worried about who will get the friends if they divorce. Will they have to take turns hanging out with people? Will it get awkward? Would it make her feel bad if she wasn ‘ t included in something?

I totally get it that people are worried that if they break up with someone it might impact their social lives but, unfortunately, basing your decision on your social life is not a good idea. Yes, beers out after softball or not taking part in a dinner party might not feel good in the moment, but they are just passing feelings, feelings that will change as time goes on.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, if you are considering breaking up, you guys aren ‘ t too much fun as a couple so your social group might be happy if you two go your separate ways!

#2 – You are scared of being alone forever.

This might be the number one reason that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should.

I don ‘ t think there is a single client who I have worked with who hasn ‘ t been concerned about being alone forever if they break up with their person. I, personally, remember thinking in high school that if my guy broke up with me I might never love again.

I can tell you, with 100% certainty, that if you break up with someone who isn ‘ t making you happy, and you are willing to put yourself out there again, you will find someone else to love you. You are amazing and your person is out there waiting.

Furthermore, if you can ‘ t break up with someone then you will be forever doomed to not be in a happy relationship because, if you are stuck in this one, you won ‘ t be able to find someone else.

So, if you can ‘ t break up with someone even if you know you should, know that, if you can find the strength to do so, you will find the person of your dreams.

#3 – You don ‘ t want to hurt them.

This is a huge reason why people struggle to break up with someone they don ‘ t want to be with and the one that frustrates me the most.

I have a friend who attracts girls like bees. It ‘ s really amazing. And, almost without exception, he rarely is interested in a second date. And, almost without exception, those girls want a second date.

And you know what he does? He doesn ‘ t tell them he isn ‘ t interested. He continues to interact with them but not as enthusiastically as he did before the date. They get clingy and insecure and he just pulls away further. Ultimately, he leaves them more devastated than he might have if he was just honest with them from the start.

Why does he do this? Because he is ‘ ˜afraid to hurt them. ‘

Let me tell you, as I tell him every time, that not being direct with someone, but instead giving them less and less until you gradually disappear, is way more hurtful than being told the truth. Pulling away from someone only damages their self-esteem every time you are vague and non-committal and removed.

So, if you are worried about hurting someone, don ‘ t be. Be honest with them. It might hurt in the moment but they will get over it.

#4 – You believe you can fix them.

For many people, especially women, we believe that we can fix the things about our partner that make us unhappy.

Perhaps your partner spends too much time with his friends at the expense of time with you. Perhaps he works all the time and does give you much attention. Perhaps she doesn ‘ t treat her family the way you would like her to. Perhaps you wish she had higher self-esteem.

For many people who are unhappy in relationships but who can ‘ t break up with their person, can ‘ t do so because they believe that they can fix the other person and then they will live happily ever after.

Let me tell you, unless you are happy with who your person is RIGHT NOW, then you are doomed to be unhappy if you don ‘ t break up with them. People can ‘ t be fixed. They can choose to make change of their own accord but you won ‘ t be able to fix them, no matter how hard you try.

#5 – You have all this time invested.

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have heard this from clients – ‘ I have put so much time into this person. I don ‘ t want to walk away now. ‘

I can ‘ t tell you how many times I have told them that that is no reason to stay.

Yes, you might have invested a lot of time in this person (I put 20 years into my now defunct marriage) so don ‘ t spend even one more minute with someone who you aren ‘ t happy with. Cut bait right now and invest the next few minutes, hours and days of your life on taking care of yourself and putting your energy out into the world to find the person of your dreams.

Furthermore, I do believe that any time we might spend with someone, no matter how it ends, isn ‘ t a waste of time. You learn a lot, about yourself and about relationships, during your time with someone. The only reason that time would be wasted is if you walk away without taking what you have learned with you.

So, don ‘ t let sunk time, time that you have already spent, make you stay in a relationship that you know should end.

#6 – You don ‘ t like to give up.

Another thing I often hear from clients is that they don ‘ t like to give up. That they want to continue to fight for a relationship. What I tell them, in response, is that one person can ‘ t fight for a relationship. Unless both people are willing to fight, a broken relationship will not get fixed.

None of us like to give up and admit defeat, but if you are the only one fighting for this relationship, g

iving up is the best and wisest thing that you can do.

#7 – You still have hope.

This is the hardest reason why you can ‘ t break up with someone – doing so will mean that you have to give up hope around living happily ever after.

One of my clients met the person she thought was the love of her life. And then she realized that he wasn ‘ t. But, she was so focused on getting married and starting a family that she just couldn ‘ t let go of her relationship. Because she wanted what she wanted in her life, she just couldn ‘ t let go of the fact that if she broke up with her guy, her dreams would be even further away. So, she hung on longer than she should have, putting off finding the guy of her dreams even more.

So, if you still have hope for your relationship, I respect that. But I encourage you to give it a good hard look and see if your hope is based on your relationship or based on what you want for your life. If it ‘ s the first, keep fighting. If it ‘ s the second, it ‘ s time to move on.

Knowing that you can ‘ t break up with someone, even if you know that you should, is very frustrating and exhausting.

Lots of time and effort is spent going back and forth on the pluses and minuses, recovering from crying jags and feeling hopeless about the future. Basically, your life can be put on hold while you try to break up with someone you should break up with.

Knowing, and accepting, that there are reasons why you can ‘ t break up with someone is the best way to be able to take the steps to do so.

Go through the checklist above. Consider those that apply to you. If you can work your way through them, you just might find that you have the clarity to break up with someone, for both of your own goods.

You can do this! And, if you do, you will give yourself the chance to live happily ever after!

If you have made this far you must really be struggling with breaking up with someone.

Let me help you, NOW, before you waste anymore time.

Email me at [email protected], or click here, and let ‘ s get started.

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