Save Your Love: How To Fix A Toxic Relationship

/by


 

So many of my clients initially come to me to learn how to fix a toxic relationship and being happy again. Is it even possible?

And my response? YES!

That being said, it’s not easy and takes some determination on both sides.

But many couples who once loved each other have done the hard work and found their way back to each other, often times happier than ever.

So, how is it possible to fix a toxic relationship and be happy again? Let me share.

#1 – Make sure that everyone is on board.

Many of my clients tell me that they aren’t quitters. That they will never give up their efforts to fix their toxic relationship.

And I say that’s great, BUT there is no reason to keep fighting if your partner isn’t on board 100%.

Imagine any sporting event baseball, football, tennis, golf. Imagine that one of you is out there, excited to play, working hard to play well and eager for the outcome. Imagine if the other team, or the other player, has no interest in playing. They stand around bored and unengaged. They put no effort into their play. They have no attachment at all to the outcome.

Would you find that situation enjoyable? Would it be something that you wanted to repeat? Would it help you develop your skills? Would you be frustrated that your partner didn’t care?

So it is in a relationship. If one person is all in, fighting every day to fix the toxic relationship, reading books, watching TikTok, taking seminars, coming up with activities, and the other person does not care, the relationship fixing will get exactly nowhere.

Before fixing your relationship, talk with your partner to see if they are all in. To see if they want your relationship to be fixed and if they are willing to do the work to get there.

If they don’t, fixing a toxic relationship won’t be possible, and it will be time to walk away!

#2 – Make a list.

Now that you know that your partner is interested in fixing your toxic relationship, it is time to talk about what is wrong.

With many couples, the things they struggle with can be dramatically different. Understanding what each other is struggling with is key to fixing the relationship.

I know that when I was married, what my ex and I struggled with were dramatically different.

I struggled with him not being present in our family’s life. I struggled with his alcohol drinking and his quick temper. I struggled with feeling like he didn’t see me. I struggled with his inability to follow through on a promise.

For him, I think he struggled with me ignoring him. With me not respecting him. With me not wanting to have sex. With the limitations on his free time, that was the result of our busy family.

As a result, when we tried to fix our toxic relationship, we were coming at it from such a different place that we could not make any progress, and every time we tried, we eventually gave up.

I suggest that my clients set a time with their partner to discuss what they need from the marriage. They know that the discussion might be painful but that they both be willing to make themselves vulnerable for the sake of the relationship.

Each partner can take the time beforehand to assess what they need to be happy, which can be shared during the meeting. Shared without judgement or blame, just shared.

Once the partners come to a mutual understanding of what the other is dealing with then, the healing process can begin.

#3 – Make a list of things that need to change.

We tend to want to fix everything simultaneously when presented with the need to fix something. And that can often fail.

Think about your New Year’s Resolution to get healthy, eat better, get in shape, and be kinder.

Wow! That seems pretty daunting to me! And, more often than not, something like that is daunting to the resolution setter, and, as a result, they ultimately give up.

What if, instead of the goal to be healthy,we start small. Perhaps it is drinking only three times a week. Or getting to the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays. Or being more patient with your sister.

One small thing at which you can have success.

Once you accomplish that one thing, you will feel good about yourself and more motivated to take on the next. As time passes and you succeed at each thing, you might ultimately find that you have kept your New Year’s resolution.

This idea works with a relationship that needs to be fixed. Starting small might make it possible to fix it.

I always encourage each person to choose one thing”—one thing that, if it is different, it will have the biggest effect. Once you know those things, you can discuss what would work to change them.

If my ex could have followed through on what he said he would do, that would have helped me a lot in my desire to fix our relationship.

If I had been clear with him that it was an issue and we had discussed what he could do to make change, he would been given the tools that he needed to help me with this issue.

If he had done the same for me, I would have had clarity around what he needed from me.

Instead of trying to be “happier, we could have strived to fix one small part of the relationship that made us miserable.

I wish we had done that then – we might still be married now if we had!

#4 – Set benchmarks.

The is one of the essential tools that make it possible to fix a toxic relationship”—setting benchmarks around the work that you are doing.

The definition of benchmark serves as a standard by which others may be measured or judged. It is the point at which you evaluate the efficacy of a process.

In trying to fix a relationship, I always encourage couples to give themselves a timeline. To establish a date, or series of dates, on which they will come back together and discuss the progress that they are making.

Many couples get together and figure out what needs to be fixed and then set out to fix it. And then, life gets in the way, and their efforts stop despite their best intentions. And then those same problems rear their ugly heads again.

To prevent this from happening, I encourage couples to define a time to come back together to assess their work status. To evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Or to discuss that all efforts seem to have ceased.

By doing this, they will hold themselves accountable for the work they promised to do and, hopefully, set themselves up for success.

#5 – Get support.

I know that the idea of marriage counseling is abhorrent to many people.

Women often feel like their partners aren’t fully involved, and men often feel like therapy involves a litany of everything they have ever done wrong over their relationship.

I would argue that marriage counseling can be different and more effective.

If couples can work together ahead of time to identify the issues (as I encouraged in #2) and then bring these lists to the counselor, they will have a starting point that is not about what everyone is doing wrong but rather about what needs to be fixed.

Working with a counselor, or a life coach, will help teach people the skills to do what you want. To understand how to successfully reach the benchmarks set for each item.

We all would like to be born with the skills needed to fix a relationship, but sometimes, we aren’t. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it. Sometimes we don’t understand what or how, something needs to be done. Sometimes just a little bit of guidance can make a big difference!

So, to make it possible to fix a toxic relationship, sometimes support is precisely what you need.

I hope you now see that it is possible to fix a toxic relationship and understand some of the steps you can take to do so.

I know that the prospect of doing the work to fix the relationship might be daunting, but I am also guessing that, if you are reading this article, it is something that you want to do.

So, talk to your person. Get an understanding of whether they are all in. Make a list of what needs to be fixed and choose to address one thing. Set benchmarks for the work, so you do not lose sight of what needs to be done, and get support if needed.

Remember, thousands of couples fix their toxic relationship every day.

You can too!

5 Best Ways to Forgive Yourself, and Your Ex, After Your Divorce

/by


 

Eight years ago, a friend said to me It was time to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I had been divorced for almost 5 years, and I was still so angry at him, and every time I saw him or thought about what had happened, I sank to a dark place.

I wanted so badly to move on, but I did not know how.

Forgiveness is always a concept that has been difficult for me to grasp. It’s genetic  my mom could never forgive anyone for anything. I don’t want to be like her but know I need to be.

So I set out to learn more about forgiveness so that I would maybe be able to move on.

I learned that definition of to forgive is “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.”

I found that very interesting. I had always assumed that to forgive someone was to actually forget the hurts, like they had never happened.

And that, I could not do.

But, it seems that to forgive is more about letting go of the harsh feelings. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened but just letting go of your anger about it.

So, armed with this new knowledge, I set out on the difficult journey towards forgiveness.

Let me share with you 5 ways to forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

I want to share that journey with you now so that you too can forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

# 1 – Take ownership.

One thing that I did for a while after my divorce was play the victim.

My ex-husband had left me for his college girlfriend. I was devastated. I had been blindsided, and I had been replaced.

I fed my anger around my divorce with this narrative for years that I was the innocent victim and had been abandoned.

A therapist suggested to me that I look past what happened him walking out on me and look at what happened before that moment. What had been happening in our marriage leading up to this point? What had made our marriage vulnerable to him leaving?

It wasn’t hard for me to connect with my role in what happened in our marriage. It was buried right below the surface and I hadn’t wanted to face it and had instead focused on what he had done wrong.

But, once I was honest with myself, I recognized that my role in the end of our marriage was not a small one.

I know that I had ignored him for years and often treated him with contempt. That he was fifth in our household, after the kids and the dogs. That I never had sex with him barely touched him some days that I would choose spending time with my friends over him, every time.

Internalizing these things was not easy I had been angry at him for so long that I had some walls to break through. But, once I accepted my role in what had happened, I was definitely on the path to forgiving myself and him for our divorce.

So, what part did you play in the end of your marriage? Taking stock of it and internalizing it will put you on the path to forgiving yourself and your ex after your divorce.

#2 – Do not get mired in regrets.

I am someone who can easily get mired in regrets. To obsess about things that I had done wrong in the past, about the bad choices I had made, about how things should have been.

Those regrets were my constant companion, and they were not healthy.

A very wise man (my fiance) said, during one of my trips down memory lane, that I was doing the best that I could with the information that I had at the time.

Those words were life changing.

Sure, it is easy to remember what had gone wrong in my marriage. To obsess over different choices that I could have made or actions that I could have taken would have led to a different outcome.

Perhaps, I would think, if I had only done things differently, we would still be married, and my kids would have an intact family.

But how I am now isn’t how I was when we were married. I was young, and I was harried and I had no idea to navigate many of the obstacles that were presented on the path to my marriage being a happy one. My husband was the same. We didn’t know what we were doing, more often than not.

Sure, I could get mired in the what could have beens but, the reality is, that I can’t change what happened. The past is the past. I also do not have any idea what the outcome would have been had a made a different choice or done something differently.

Yes, things might have been better but could have also been worse. I don’t know, and spending even a moment regretting what might have been or what might not have been is a waste of good time.

So, if you are focusing on the past more often than not, stop. If you do, you might find that you can forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#3 – Recognize that we are all only human

When you got married, did someone give you a manual about how to be married?

Did you return from your honeymoon with a clear path to a happy marriage?

Were people full of consistent advice about how to make a marriage work?

I am guessing not.

So, as you moved forward in your marriage, you had no idea what you were doing.

You were being human and you were making mistakes.

Sure, in the movies and on TV, we see perfect marriages, where people always seem to know what to do or say and where issues get resolved in 30-90 minutes. But that isn’t how real life, and real marriage, is.

Real marriage is messy. It involves arguments and financial woes and kid issues and extended family stress and all of the other stuff that makes up life.

It’s insane to think that two people could navigate these things without a struggle.

I am guessing that there are very few people who, when they get married, set out to intentionally sabotage their marriages. What happens, instead, is that imperfect people try to work together to get through things that happen, good and bad, and, sometimes, they just don’t succeed.

Once I was able to accept this fact ” that my ex-husband and I were only two human beings, doing the best that we could in the world was I able to move towards the forgiveness, for me and for him, that I so desired.

#4 – Take stock of all that is good now.

So, be honest with yourself. Are things pretty good right now? If not right now, do you have some hope for the future?

I have a client who was in a very abusive relationship. She tried for years to get out and, about a year ago, she managed to finally do so.

Since then, her life has not been perfect. Her son won’t talk to her because of the divorce. Her ex-husband continues to be a dick. She can’t find a job in her chosen profession. The future might be bright but it’s pretty murky right now.

Last week, when she was feeling really down, I reminded her of what it was like when she was married. Yes, now was rough but was it better than being married?

Her answer?  YES!

From where I sit, someone who was resoundingly dumped by the father of my children 12 years ago, life is pretty damn good.

Since the divorce, I moved to NYC and started a new business. I have travelled to places that I always longed to see. I have made lots of new friends and I have met the love of my life. We will be married in the spring.

If I hadn’t gotten divorced, none of those things would have happened and who knows where I would be today.

How does your life look right now? Is there hope for your future? Is your life just a little bit better now that that toxic marriage is over?

Consider this and it might just help you forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#5 – Resolve to do things differently.

This one is key.

The resolution to not repeat the mistakes that you made in your marriage the first time around.

In my next marriage, I know that I will do my best to pay attention to my husband, even when I have something going on. I will not pout or sulk when I don’t get my way. I won’t walk away during an argument and I will try to make him my priority.

I don’t want this marriage to end the way my first one did.

Can you imagine how hard it would be to forgive yourself and your ex, after your divorce if you made the same mistakes over again?

How badly you would feel about yourself if you did the very things that broke your first marriage apart?

How would you ever forgive yourself if you had to put yourself through another horrible divorce?

So, make sure that you take stock of your role in the demise of your marriage so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

So there you go, 5 ways to forgive yourself after a divorce.

Remember forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is about letting go of the anger and hurt around what happened.

And you don’t want to forget. You want to let go of the pain but it’s important to remember what happened in the past so that you do not make the same mistakes again, so that you can have the life, and the love, that you want this time around.

I know that you can do this to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I did it and you can too!

 

The #1 Thing That Makes Your Wife Feel Safe and Secure

/by


 

Good for you for wondering what makes your wife feel safe and secure.

Many men don’t do that and, as a result, their marriages fail.

I know that when I was married, my husband tried to make me feel safe. He worked hard, walked on the curbside of the road, anticipated what action he would take in every bad scenario but he never truly made me feel safe.

We are divorced now not surprisingly.

So, what is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure?

You are going to love this one truly. I know that it’s incredibly hard but you can do it!

The #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure communication!

Ok, so, now you know Let me tell you why and how you can communicate in a way that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

#1 – If you communicate with your wife she will trust you.

Ok, this one might be hard to understand.

How can communicating with your wife make her trust you?

Ask yourself do you know what is going on in your wife’s head every day? Do you know if she is working through a problem, feeling hopeful for the future, wondering who is going to pick up the kids from school, how she will ever be able to go to the gym?

I am guessing probably not.

And, chances are, she can’t read your mind either.

So, there you are, going about your day, having no idea how your spouse is feeling, not knowing the things that they are managing, maybe struggling to manage.

If you guys talk to each other, things will change dramatically.

For example, if your wife is feeling frustrated by all of the things on her plate, by you asking her what she has going on, she will know that you care. If you ask her how she is doing, she can celebrate with you that she is doing well or share with you that she is struggling. If you share with her that your day is crazy and that you won’t get home in time for dinner, she might be disappointed but she can plan accordingly.

In all of these cases, it’s talking to each other that makes your woman feel safe because it makes her trust you, to trust that you are being open and transparent with her.

Talking to her makes her feel seen and heard. Talking to her makes her feel confident that you know what is going on in your lives. Talking to her makes her secure that she can trust you to help her manage her moods and all the crazy things that are going on in both of your lives.

I know that communication can be challenging for men. Women spend 24/7 communicating with other women in their lives and they have always done so. As a result, communication is easy. Men haven’t exercised that muscle as much and therefore they struggle with it.

But you can do it. If the goal is to make your wife feel safe and secure, communication can make your wife trust you and therefore feel that way.

#2 – If you communicate with your wife she will feel loved.

For women, a lot of feeling safe and loved is feeling like we are being heard and appreciated. It is being told that we are doing things well and that we are being noticed. It is being empathized with when we are struggling.

Think about the times where you and your wife have been forced to communicate. Perhaps it’s because of a fight. Perhaps it was because you needed to co-ordinate the kid’s hockey schedule. Perhaps it is because you go out to dinner and actually spend a few hours across the table from each other, talking about this and that.

While the fight was, I am sure, uncomfortable, it was, to some degree at least, a form of communication. And, if the fight was resolved and the issue put to bed, that is a success for both of you. Do you often find that you have make up sex after a fight, after being forced to communicate? And I am guessing sex makes her feel safe and secure, no?

Perhaps if you talk together about making a plan for the soccer weekend, she will know that you will be a part of how it’s all going to come together and that she is not alone in making things happen. That would feel really good, to not have to carry the whole load on her shoulders.

Perhaps it’s just a night out, the two of you. Talking about this and that but actually talking to each other and not at each other.

In all of those instances, you make your wife feel safe and secure. You make her feel loved. And feeling loved is what a woman wants, more than almost anything in the world!

#3 – If you communicate with your wife you will stay connected.

The number one thing that causes a marriage to disintegrate is the absence of communication.

Think about when you were first together. Didn’t you stay up late at night, talking about your hopes and dreams. There weren’t many hours spent making plans for the weekend or for a vacation. Were there regular dinners out, talking about sports and clothes and pets and holidays?

Didn’t you feel connected? So connected, in fact, that you asked her to marry you.

And now, here you are, however many years down the road and that connection has disintegrated.

Kids and work and chores and money and extended family, all of the mundane things of everyday life, have gotten in the way of you and your wife feeling connected.

And, when your wife isn’t feeling connected, she isn’t feeling safe and secure.

Talking with you, her partner in life and love, will allow her to feel the connection that she once felt, to feel loved and safe and certain about the future.

Again, if your wife feels connected to you, she is way more likely to want to have sex with you. If that isn’t enough of an argument for working on your communication skills, I don’t know what is.

So, there you go, why communication is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

I know that the idea is scary. That you don’t think that you can communicate in a way that will make her feel all of those things (although perhaps you know that you can, in which case, go for it!)

What I want to remind you is that you do have the ability to communicate. I mean, you did it at the beginning of your relationship, well enough that she agreed to marry you. So, can dig deep, find that communication muscle and start to work it?

I would encourage you to talk to someone (namely me!) to help you work on building your communication skills. There are also some great articles and videos on social media that can help you out.

All of this being said, there is one way that communicate will NOT make your wife feel safe and secure listening to her and then trying to fix her.

Woman want to be heard and empathized with they don’t to be fixed. I would encourage you to think about this because, for many men, the instinct to fix instead of listen is almost innate. If you can be aware of this and try to listen and not fix, you will go a long way towards making your wife feel safe and secure.

Here is a video that I love. It shows (in a humorous way) how to communicate with your woman to make her feel loved and to not fix her.

You can make your wife feel safe and secure. I know you can!

5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

/by

5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

Are you trying to help someone who is really hurting after a break up?

Is someone you care about in the worst place possible, struggling with a broken heart?

I know that watching someone you love struggle with a break up can be heartbreaking but I also know that you want to help them get through it and out the other side.

So, how can you help someone who is really hurting after a break up in a way that you know will help them, that won’t hold them back from healing, that will help them find the love that they seek?

Let me share.

#1 – Let them know that you are there for them.

I know that you are probably thinking that your person knows that you are there for them.

I am guessing that a big part of your life right now is spent processing the break up. Late night talks, lots of wine and ice cream, binge watching trash TV, harshing on the new ex.

And those things are great but make sure that your person knows that they can count on you, 100%.

Heartbreak often lasts longer than a friend’s attention span. Of course, we are sad for our person and we know that their heartbreak is real but sometimes the recovery can go on and on and on.

And our lives must go on.

And that is when it’s important that someone who is hurting after a break up knows that you are there. You might not still be regularly processing what happened but make sure that you let them know that you see their pain and that you love them unconditionally and, even if you aren’t able to process it 24/7, that you understand that they must grieve a bit longer.

And that you see them and you support them.

So, make sure that your person knows that you are there for them, right now during the processing phase, and down the road, if need be.

#2 -Don’t try to fix them.

I know that the inclination to fix your friend is huge. I mean, you want to do whatever you can to ease their pain.

Unfortunately, trying to fix someone who isn’t ready to be fixed will only be counterproductive. Not only will they not be fixed but they might even get worse!

What do I mean by fix them?

By telling them that they need to snap out of it. By setting them up with other people. By not supporting them in the ups and downs about the feelings of their ex and their relationship.

By telling them how you would be thinking about this break up or what you would be doing differently or how you are frustrated that they aren’t listening to your advice.

No one wants to be fixed. For many of us, feeling like we need to be fixed only makes the way that we are feeling worse.

What we need, instead of fixing, is to be seen and heard. To know that our person is there for them, that they truly understand that they are struggling and why. That their person will listen and empathize and occasionally rant with us.

Not that our person thinks that we should be doing things a certain way on a certain timeline.

So, even though you can see clearly your loves one’s pathway back to happiness, know that it is their journey and that you are just along for the ride.

#3 – Get them out of the house.

A key way to help someone who is hurting after a break up is by getting them out of the house.

When we have a broken heart, we want to isolate. We want to curl up in a ball on our couch, cry, eat ice cream and listen to sad songs.

What we don’t want to do is anything that involves taking a shower and putting on shoes.

While I don’t want you to fix your friend, I do want you to encourage them to get up off the couch and get outside.

To go for a walk or to the movies or to eat ice cream in the park instead of on the couch.

To breath fresh air and to experience nature and to recognize that there is a big wide world out there, one that will be there as we go on this journey.

To remember that there is life outside of our four walls, life that just might bring us happiness down the road.

Are you perhaps trying to do this but failing? If yes, I would encourage you to make it like this is something that YOU need. That you need a walk or ice cream or a rom-com and that you really want them to share it with you.

Hopefully, your loved one will want to do something for you, especially if you have been supporting them as they go through this.

Remember Fresh air + sunshine + ice cream = hope!

#4 – Don’t invite them to couple things.

I know that I previously told you that it is important that you get your loved one out of the house but I would enourage you NOT to get them out of the house by inviting them to couples things.

I would not encourage you to invite them for dinner with your partner. Or to a dinner party where they will be the only single person. Or to a night out with people who are in all in solid relationships.

I know you are hoping that by seeing happy couples you might inspire your friend to get past the break up but, for now, they don’t need to see other people happy.

They don’t need to be reminded of what being in a couple looks like.

They don’t need to miss the relationship that they had with their ex.

They don’t need to see couples who seem like they are made for each other and have no issues.

They don’t need to despair that they will never love or be loved again.

For now, I would encourage you to track down all of your single friends and head out for a night on the town, or whatever.

There is nothing like shared experience to help people heal. To spend time with others who are single, who are still seeking love and who have healed from broken hearts themselves, is the best medicine for someone with a broken heart.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#5 – Hold them accountable for stalking.

This is a tough one because it is much like fixing but this is an important part of supporting someone who is really hurting after a break up.

The instinct to stalk an ex is a big one. I am not saying that we want to track them down and boil their bunny but what we do want to do is to keep tabs on them, to see what their lives are like, to see if they are happy.

Unfortunately, there are so many ways to do that these days. There is, of course, social media which, I believe, is the worst thing in existence for someone who is struggling with a broken heart.

In the old days, we used to have to get off the couch to see what our exes were up to but now we can just pick up our phones and see what they are doing.

Are they happy? Having new adventures? Missing you? Have they found someone new? Have they forgotten you completely?

And, usually no matter what we see, we feel bad after looking.

So, if there one thing that I would encourage you to do is to encourage your friend to not stalk their ex.

Don’t drive them past their exes house. Unfriend and unfollow them yourself. Don’t ask mutual friends for information to share with your loved one.

Do whatever you can do to keep your loved one away from any sort of information about their ex.

By doing so you will help them get past their ex quicker. Why? Because every time they have contact with their ex, even if it’s just a picture, they are back to square one with their healing.

All that processing that you have already done will be for naught.

So, do what you can to encourage your loved one from stalking their ex. If you do, you just might find that the heartbreak passes quicker and you will have more time on your hands to have fun!

Knowing how to help someone who is really hurting after a break up is not always an easy thing.

The mental anguish that comes from heartbreak can be devastating to watch and it can leave us feeling overwhelmed about what to do.

But you can do this you can help your friend get through this. A broken heart is never fatal and we have all survived them.

Your friend will too, with you there supporting them but not trying to fix them, by getting them out of the couch, by not forcing them to spend time with couples and by keeping them away from their ex at all costs.

They, and you, will get through this and you will be able to return to the life and laughter you had before.

I promise!

 

 

 

Feeling Depressed After the Holidays? 5 Reasons Why and How to Fix It

/by


 

For so many of us, feeling depressed after the holidays is a regular thing.

And it’s not a good thing.

I have clients who don’t even enjoy the holidays because they know they will just be depressed when they are over.

Understanding why you might be feeling depressed after the holidays just might help you manage it so that you don’t spend the next year in a funk!

Here are 5 reasons that you might be feeling depressed after the holidays and what to do to help yourself feel better!

#1 – New Year’s resolution pressure.

Setting new year’s resolution is something that many of us do every year.

The idea of a new year, a new you, is very compelling and we set these lofty resolutions with sincere intent.

And then, a few days/weeks/months in, we let those resolutions go, either because of apathy, lack of time or how hard the resolution is to keep. And what does dropping our resolutions do? It makes us depressed.

Letting ourselves down is one of major causes of situational depression. We feel like a loser that we can’t keep a promise to ourselves, or to others, and that self-judgement can put us into a very dark place.

But, there are ways for you to keep those resolutions (or at least some of them) to help you feel better about yourself and let go of the depression.

How many resolutions did you set? Did you decide that you were going to quit drinking, go vegetarian, get to the gym and sleep more?

Or perhaps did you just decide to be healthier.

Those goals are great, truly! But they really aren’t achievable. Why, because you have bitten off more than you can chew.

No one, and I mean, no one, could successfully quit drinking, go vegetarian, go to the gym and sleep more in one fell swoop. It’s just too much change too quickly, especially with things that might be very challenging.

As to deciding to be healthier, what exactly does that mean and how would you accomplish it if you didn’t have a concrete plan?

What I do, and what I encourage my clients to do, is to choose ONE thing to start with. That one thing can’t be get healthier but it could mean to quit drinking for a month. OR to eat less red meat. OR to commit to the gym 3 days a week. OR to put your phone away at 11pm so that you will sleep.

Anyone can do one of those things, if they set their mind to it.

Have you bitten off more than you can chew with your new year’s resolution. If yes, try paring it down a bit so that it is in manageable chunks. If you can do this, if you can keep your new Year resolution, you might find that you are no longer feeling depressed after the holidays.

#2 – The darkness.

One of the things that always amazes me in January is how dark it is.

Of course, it is the time of year where the days are shorter, it gets dark late (5:00pm where I am) and temperatures are often much lower than we would like them to be.

And just this alone, particularly the absence of sunlight, can make someone depressed.

BUT, what I also notice in January is the complete absence of Christmas lights. For me, this is beyond bleak.

Christmas lights go up soon after Thanksgiving and they last, usually, through New Years. And then, poof, they are gone.

Of course, there are always a few hold outs but mostly, the colorful lights that we see outside people’s houses have been put away for the year.

For me, this is always depressing. I am not a big holiday person but I love the lights.

So, what do I do to get through these dark days of January? Two things.

The first is a get a full spectrum lamp, one which imitates the spectrum of light from the sun. These have been found to be beneficial in many ways, especially for easing the winter blues.

The second is that I keep a few Christmas lights around my house.

Every year, we put our Christmas tree outside but leave the lights on it. It is not really a Christmas tree anymore. It’s more like a beacon in the night, bringing some light into the darkness, as we wait for spring to come.

I love looking at those lights from inside the house or as I am pulling up in the driveway. A little bit of spirit during these difficult months.

#3 – The annual let down.

Be honest. Do you, every year, hope that this year will be different.

That you truly will have a holiday season like you see in the movies.

Where you will celebrate with family and friends (with no arguments about politics). Where you will get all the gifts that you wanted. Where you will bake cookies for your neighbors and appreciate the joy in the season.

And are you let down again, just like last year?

This can be a big reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays. The big hopes that you had for the perfect holiday season have been dashed with no hope to try again for almost a year.

I get it. But remember, there are many things that let us down every year, no matter how hard we try. We plan that perfect trip, but lose our luggage. The project that we worked on didn’t turn out the way we wanted. We wanted that new Volkswagen but had to settle on a used one instead.

And, do we get through those let downs every time? Do they bog us down for a bit but then do we let them go and move onto the next thing?  YES!

The same will happen with the holiday let down. It might feel acute right now but I can promise you that it will be gone by Valentine’s Day, at the very latest!

#4 – The state of your relationship?

Did you know that January is the number one month when people file for divorce?

Why? Because, they think that they just can’t get through one more holiday with the person they are with.

Holidays can bring out the worst in people and they can make an already stressful time more stressful.

Whether it’s conflict around traditions, disagreements about the amount of money that will be spent on gifts, the crazy schedule of holiday events or the time spent with extended family, the holidays can add a lot of pressure to a relationship that might already be struggling.

Also, over the holidays we often have to spend a lot more time with our partners and, if that relationship is already stressed, more time together might just exacerbate problems or allow us to see them more clearly.

So, what is the state of your relationship? Might your depression be the result of feeling helpless around it? Might it be because you are sad that you did fight so much? Was spending time wonderful or like pulling your fingernails out?

Whether it’s good or bad, the state of your relationship might be one of reasons you might be feeling depressed after the holidays.

#5 – The 4th of July.

The nice thing about the fall is that we have lots of fun holidays.

We have Labor Day which is a celebration of the end of the summer, one involving family and feasting.

We have Halloween with all its pumpkins and candy.

We have Thanksgiving and then we have Christmas and then we have New Years.

The mundanity of our everyday lives is broken by fun things all through the fall. That doesn’t happen so much after New Years. What we have is a loooong stretch to another holiday 4th of July. And a loooong stretch until summer officially begins.

Sure, we have a few Presidents Day and MLK day and perhaps a springtime vacation but really, what we have for six long months is the day in day out routine.

And that, the anticipation and the living in it, can be one reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays.

I make a huge effort every year to make a plan to do things to break the routine that is winter.

I try to travel to New York City to see my kids once a month. I make movie dates with my friends. I try to have a special night out with my boyfriend. I make an effort to be spontaneous when I can be.

Are there things that you could do to break up the mundane over these next few months? I am guessing there are. So, make a plan to do those things. Get yourself out of the routine before you get stuck there.

Sometimes just having something to look forward to is enough to break the cycle of depression that can come after the holidays.

So, there you go 5 reasons why you might be feeling depressed over the holidays.

I do want to say that while all of the reasons that I have listed above might be contributing towards your depression, know that there might be more to it than that.

If you find that you are having a hard time pulling yourself out of your depression or if it’s getting worse, I would encourage you to reach out to your primary care doctor.

If you find yourself isolating or having no desire to do things that you usually like to do, reach out to your doctor. Your depression could be more than just the post-holiday blues!

 

5 Small Things We Do That Sabotage Our Lives and Relationships

/by


 

Nobody really wants to know the small things that we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

Why? Because it’s way easier to ignore them and watch Netflix, hoping that things will just fix themselves.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.

If we want to live our best life, full of love and joy and contentment, it is very important that we do things that help us in that goal, not sabotage us.

That way, if we know where are opportunities are for growth, we can look at them and make a plan to fix them.

To that end, here are 5 small things we do that sabotage our lives and our relationships, so that you can understand the things that you might do so you can bring about change.

#1 – We judge ourselves.

So, be honest. How much time do you spend beating yourself up for all of your shortcomings?

How often do you look in the mirror and hate what you see? How often do you think of yourself as a loser because you can’t seem to get anything done?

How often do you think that your friends don’t really like you? How often do you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life?

I am guessing the answers to many of those questions, and to many more, are yes and that you judge yourself for it every day.

For years I tried to find a career that suited me. I tried to go back to school to be a nutrition coach. I sold real estate. I worked front desk at a hotel. I tried my hand at baking and started a small business selling frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.

What came of any of them? Nothing. Each one I started and never finished.

And did that make me feel good about myself? Um, nope.

Instead, I judged myself. I had always believed that if I was a smarter, more determined person I would be able to do whatever I wanted to do but, with each time that I let myself down, I believed that less and less.

And that self judgment led to me spending a lot of time on the couch, watching soap operas, waiting for my kids to come home. Ugh.

#2 – We play the victim.

The flip side of judging ourselves is playing the victim, is believing that everything that is happening in our lives is someone else’s fault.

I know that when ex-husband left me for another woman I was devastated. It left me depressed and alone and I blamed all of it on my ex-husband and his new wife.

I believed that if he had done what he always said he would do, namely not leave me, we would still be together. I believed that if she had respect for women, she would respect me and my family. I believed that if we only hadn’t had to move for his job, we would still be together.

What I didn’t do was take an accounting of my role in the divorce.

I hadn’t been a great wife in later years. I had been depressed and focused on the kids. I was always either criticizing him or ignoring him. I rarely touched him and we never had sex.

But I did not think of any of those things. I just sat around, wallowing in my victimhood, not moving forward in any good way.

It was once I stopped blaming them that I started to heal. It was once that I took accountability for my role in the demise of our relationship and I was able to start learning how I could do things differently that I started to be able to move forward with my life, to find a new relationship and start a new business.

Playing the victim is one of those small things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships. If we could work harder at accepting that we have some responsibility in our lives, without judging ourselves for being less than if we have made a mistake, then we will have the opportunity to move forward towards the life, and the love, that we want.

#3 – We live in the past.

Again, be honest. How much time have you spent today thinking about the past. Playing those negative tapes over and over, bringing yourself down in the process.

You know those negative tapes the ones where you replay everything bad that you have ever said in your whole life, where you think about that boy in high school who you didn’t kiss and he told the whole school that he got to second base, when you told your friend that she looked fat or made that mistake at work that caused the company a contract.

You know what I mean, all the things, little and big, that you did once that make you feel squeamish.

All the things that just remind you more about what a loser you are and will always be.

Living in the past is the number one thing that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships. Focusing on the regrets that we have and not looking towards to future at what we can do differently.

And why is always looking to the past something that can hold us back? Because it is the past and you can’t change the past.

Furthermore, by focusing on things that we did in the past and wish that we could do differently, we are wasting time creating a story in our heads that may or may not be true.

I know that I wish I had gone on that date with Shawn on Friday, July 2, 1999 because I know that, if I had, we would have gotten married and had kids and been rich and we would have lived happily ever after.

And maybe that would have been the case. Or maybe we would have gone on that date and been robbed on the way home. Or maybe we wouldn’t have been able to have kids. Or maybe I would get sick and die young and he would fall into a deep depression.

Do you see what I mean? We focus on all of the regrets that we have, thinking that, if we had chosen things differently, we would have been happier but, in fact, we have no idea what our lives would have looked like if we had done things in another way.

What we can control is the present and the future. We can learn from our regrets and do things differently this time around. Instead of looking to the past, we can look to the future, with a plan, determine to live the life that we want.

#4 – We kill time on social media.

If I was in charge of the world, social media wouldn’t exist.

I know, it is a great thing for so many reasons.

We can stay connected to our friends, buy things we need, expose ourselves to thoughts different from our own, learn the definition of finifugal,” and when will we have the best beach weather.

But it is also so horrible for so many reasons. It gives us FOMO, it forces us to compare our lives to other people and makes us feel less than. It tells us to buy things we don’t need. It leads us to places that its algorithm wants us to go.

AND, it’s all a HUGE waste of time. HUGE.

I believe that wasting time on social media is one of the worst things we do that sabotages our life and relationships.

Not only do we lie on our beds, or on our coaches, for hours, not getting up and walking around or interacting with other people or applying for that job or calling our moms, but we are also being bombarded 24/7 with the idea that we need more, we are less than, that the world is falling apart, that being old is bad and we should just curl up in a closet and die.

I truly can’t think of one thing that sabotages our lives more than social media. And I know that it’s not going anywhere but I am hoping that someday we all realize the effect it is having on our lives and take steps to change that.

#5 – We live with toxicity.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t so satisfied with the state of your life.

That you wish that you could be happier, that you could accomplish more, that you could find the love and happiness that you want.

And good for you we all want that.

Let me ask you, is there someone in your life, perhaps sitting next to you on the couch, who is bringing toxicity into your life?

Someone who cuts you down for who you are and the choices you make. Someone who says they love you but then treats you with contempt and disdain. Someone who is keeping you from living the life that you want. Someone who you wish would just love you like you love them.

And, do you know, deep down, that these things are not okay, but are you not able to walk away?

Living with toxicity is one of those things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

When we are constantly exposed to a toxic person, much like a toxic chemical, we get sick. We lose confidence, we alienate ourselves from others, we take abuse that makes us question what love is, we get depressed and anxious and paralyzed.

It is so important that, if we want the life and the relationships that we dream about, we let go of the toxicity in our lives.

Maybe it is a lover, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a work colleague or just that barista who is so rude every day.

Whoever it is, if someone is poisoning your wellbeing with their toxicity, it’s time for them to go.

So, there you go 5 small things that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships.

So often it seems like the bigger things a break up, an illness, a lay-off, a death – are things throw us off track, and sometimes they can be, but it is the little things, the thousand little cuts, that really  take us down.

It’s judging ourselves for all of the things that we can’t do, or the blaming of others for them. It’s living in the past and living with toxicity as it slowly eats us alive. It’s letting social media use up our time and our energy and our wellbeing, keeping us on the couch and not out in the world.

So how about you? Can you recognize that you are just a person in the world, doing the best that you can, and that so is the next person? Can you not look to the past but to the future and let go of the toxicity around you? Can you get a lock box for your phone, put it in there and get out for a walk with a friend?

You can do all of those things, I know you can, and get the life you want!

 

5 Things About Love That All Women Must Know to Find It

/by


 

There are a few things about love that all women must know to find it. Unfortunately, most women know nothing about them.

Have you met the person of your dreams? Is this the one? If so, are you wondering what you must know about love so that you don’t make any mistakes?

Love is so complicated. When we are young we believe that some day our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. It doesn’t always work out that way.

Unfortunately, people are only human. Our life experience leads us to act a certain way and often times in a way that doesn’t serve us.

This is especially the case with women in relationships. We are so programmed to love and take care of others that we often blind ourselves to the truth about a relationship.

And often we don’t notice that truth until that relationship is too far gone to salvage.

Let me share with you 5 things about love that all women must know to find it.

#1 – Sex does not equal love.

There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn’t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It does not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result, many women believe that if they have sex with a man not only will they be giving him what he wants but they will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her because of that.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

It is important that all women not jump into bed with someone the first night they meet them. Why? Because it is essential that the person you want to be with get to know you first, to see you as a human with a brain and a heart, not just someone with a vagina who they can use and walk away from.

Once they see you as a person, as someone they care about and who they respect, if you make love with them it will most likely have the emotional connection that you seek and a relationship might become a reality.

Also, it is essential that you not have sex with someone because you feel like they have put a lot of time and money into you and therefore you owe them. You owe a man nothing. It is their choice to put time and money into you; you owe them nothing return.

Don’t have sex with someone until you are ready to have sex with them. Period.

#2 – If he is interested he will stay in touch.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

How many times have we justified why our person isn’t reaching out, believing that they are busy or not within cell service?

Even worse, how many times have we told ourselves that he is confused about his feelings about us and is taking some time to step back and work things through.

Something that you must know about love is that if a guy isn’t communicating with you, he isn’t interested. Period. If he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he just isn’t that into you.

Guys are hunters. It is in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t.

Know that, those guys who disappear and then reappear, are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone, drunk after a night out with their buddies.

This is one of those things about love that all women must know to find it. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in. They aren’t interested and neither should you be!

Move on!

#3 – Being needy will only drive him away.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is be needy with a man.

We get needy, and clingy, for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are anxieties that must exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with neediness and clinginess you will drive your man away.

No one likes someone who is needy and clingy. Someone who is needy or clingy only makes someone feel trapped. It definitely doesn’t make someone feel interested. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so pitiful? Would you?

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Talk to him. Be secure in his feelings for you and/or recognize if he has none and move on. If you can’t be honest with him, it means that you are scared of what might happen if you do and that is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

If you get needy or clingy, your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

#4 – You MUST love yourself first.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

That someone will bring out the best in us, make us a better person, and that we will live happily ever after.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone who is attracted to that.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren’t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – You will be fine if it doesn’t work out.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay if this relationship doesn’t work out.

We are worried that we will be alone forever and that we will never love or be loved again. We believe that we are a loser and that the pain of the loss will be unbearable.

We believe that the world is a place for couples and being single just isn’t acceptable.

I am here to tell you that, as someone who spent almost four years alone, being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to get up and sleep when you want, never watch any sports that you don’t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

And in a relationship like that, you will feel alone anyway.

When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish and respect you then your life will be full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims causing you pain every day.

Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone, watching White Lotus and having a glass of wine?

There are so many things about love that all women must know to find it.

Know that sex doesn’t equal love, that you must always be yourself in a relationship, that if he isn’t in touch he doesn’t want you and that you will love and be loved again if it doesn’t work out!

One of the things that you must know about love is that never too late to find it. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don’t compromise your self-worth, don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

5 Ways To Get Your Life Together After Divorce

/by


 

Are you wondering how to get your life together after divorce?

Is the life that you once led, the one that you knew so well, suddenly completely gone and do you have no idea what to do next?

Let me help!

Getting divorced can be devastating but it doesn’t have to be life ending. Getting divorced is something that you will survive but you need to take it day by day, one step at a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

The first step towards living the life you want is learning how to get your life together after divorce. If you can lay a good foundation for your new life, one that is very different from your married one, you can then build on top of it and create the life you want.

Here are 5 key ways to get your life together after divorce so that you can move forward and live your best life.

#1 – Keep your divorce papers close.

Even though your divorce is final, it is very important that you keep all of the paperwork around your divorce close by.

To that end, it is essential that you create a filing system that will work for you to manage that paperwork. Keep your final divorce agreement, a name change document and any other documents that you have related to your divorce in a place where they won’t get lost and where you can get to them easily.

Your divorce might be final but there are plenty of times over the next few years that you might need that paperwork. You might need them if you are applying for a mortgage or filing your taxes or changing your credit card account information. And if you don’t have the info close by you could be in trouble.

I have been divorced for 6 years but still find that I need my paperwork. This Christmas I bought my airplane tickets and, by mistake, the tickets were purchased in my married name. I discovered this the night before we travelled and, in order to change the name on the ticket, I had to provide the official name change documentation.

Thank goodness I had it in my file drawer so that I could send it to the airline. It still took me 5 hours on hold with the airlines to get the name changed but get it changed I did!

So, keep all of the paperwork related to your divorce in one place, a place you won’t forget and have easy access to.

#2 – Don’t ignore your finances.

Every divorce leads to some sort of financial upheaval and making sure you have a clear understanding of what your finances look like is super important if you are going to get your life together after divorce.

So, first off, review all financial documentation that you have bank accounts, mortgage accounts, credit card accounts, brokerage accounts, trusts, IRAs, etc. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of your assets, both liquid and fixed.

Next, pull together an accounting of your expenses your mortgage, your car payments, your tuition payments, your grocery expenses, your kids after school costs, etc. Whatever it is that you spend money on. Once you have all of your assets and expenses pulled together then it’s time to make a financial plan for your future.

How much money you can spend monthly, what you can put away for savings, what things might need to get adjusted to fit the new financial situation? If your financial documents are all Greek to you, as they were to me, then spend the money and hire a good financial manager who can help you figure out what your money situation is.

A thorough understanding of your financial picture will help you get your life together after divorce and make you feel safe and secure.

#3 – Identify where you will need help.

When I got divorced, one of the biggest losses for me was that I no longer had someone living with me who knew how to work power tools, trouble shoot computers and manage our taxes.

For 20 years I had relied on my husband to fix things around the house, to deal with the computer (and other technology) when things went awry and to manage the taxes each year. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that I didn’t want a divorce was because I didn’t want to deal with doing those things. Suddenly I was alone and I had to figure out how to deal with things that I had no idea how to manage.

So, what did I do? I learned how to use some tools on my own basic tools so that I could do simple things around the house. But. more importantly, I found a handyman who I could rely on to come help me if I needed help. Someone who could do all the little things that my husband used to do that I couldn’t do on my own.

As for technology, I learned that you could Google almost anything and find a You Tube video that would explain how to fix things. I also found a guy in town willing to help me if I couldn’t figure it out on my own.

And finally, for what worried me most, taxes, I hired a tax guy. Every year, in January, he sends me a worksheet of things that I need to pull together so that he can do my taxes for me in April. I gather everything together and send them to him and he does my taxes for me. It costs me some money but it is totally worth it for my piece of mind, knowing that my taxes are done and done properly.

So, take an inventory of what you will need to do around your house and figure out what you can do to get those things done. You can either set out to learn how to do them yourself or hire someone to do them for you. Either way, make a plan so you aren’t caught off guard by a broken pipe or a disabled modem.

And, conquering a drill or a clogged pipe will make you feel damn good and will make you believe that you truly can get your life together after a divorce.

#4 – Start exploring.

So, for however many years, you have a been a wife, and maybe a mother. And, I am guessing that in that period of time your life has become rather small.

When we are single, the sky is the limit as far as what we can do with our life. We can move across country, travel the world, change jobs when we feel like it, sleep in on Saturday or wake up at the crack of dawn for a run. Whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it.

Married life is different. When we are married, our lives join our spouse’s and the things we do naturally become aligned. As a result, our world can narrow.

If you want to move across country but your spouse doesn’t, you probably won’t. What you have for dinner, where you travel, what time you wake up, are all delicately navigated areas, ones where the couple must work together to make sure that everyone is satisfied.

And, as we settle into relationships, we establish routines, comfortable things that we do regularly over the course of our week. Maybe it is Friday night Pad Thai, binging some show on Saturday, softball on Tuesday evenings and Thanksgiving with his folks. Habits.

Habits are not a bad thing- they are a comfortable part of being in a couple. But, now that you aren’t in one, you can do whatever the hell you want!

So, what do you want to do now that you are single?

When I got divorced I explored things large and small. I conquered driving in a snow storm and riding a jet ski. I learned out to use a drill. I bought flannel sheets for my bed. I moved to NYC. I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and to the top of Macchu Pichu.

And I had fun!

I am in a relationship now and my life has gotten smaller again (which is not a bad thing) but I am glad that I had those years of doing what I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to.

#5 – Create a support system.

This final piece of how to get your life together after divorce is a key piece.

When we are married, we tend to focus on our nuclear family. No matter how unhappy we are, in general it is mom and dad and the kids. Chores are divided, activities are attended, meals are eaten and discussions are had.

Now that you are divorced, you will find that that the other person who was usually in bed with you in the morning and at the dinner table at night will be gone. It will be just you and the kids or, even worse, just you.

Making sure that you have a support system is a key part of surviving a divorce. Do you have friends and family who you can rely on? Do you have a therapist or life coach who understands you and can help you manage your emotions? Are you involved in activities with people you enjoy being with? Is work someplace where you can feel good about yourself and confident in your abilities?

If the answer to any or all of the questions above is NO then it’s time to get out there and find yourself a support system.

Getting started with this second act of your life will be very hard and doing it alone will make it almost impossible. So, pick up the phone and call some friends or family, make sure you see your therapist regularly, get out of the house and try new things and do things every day that make you feel good about yourself.

Trying to figure out how to get your life together after divorce is very brave. And very smart.

Those of us who find ourselves newly divorced have entered new, untrodden territory — territory we have no idea how to manage. And, when we are in a situation we don’t know how to manage, knowing first steps is a great to getting it all under control.

So, make sure that you know where all of your divorce paperwork is at all times, get your finances in order, figure out where to get help managing the small stuff, start exploring life and get a support system in place to help you when times get rough.

Being divorced doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, I am here to tell you that ten years later I am so much happier with myself and my place in the world than I was when I was married.

I do look back at me ten years ago and wished that I knew how to better navigate that first year after my divorce. If I knew more I might have skipped over some of the growing pains that I experienced out in the new world on my own.

So, get yourself together. Spend the time and money necessary to get it done so that you can go forwards, living your best life, knowing that you have it all (well, most of it at least) under control.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Things That Seem Like Red Flags But Are Actually Green Ones

/by


 

How can there possibly be things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones? I mean, red flags are red flags, right?

Actually, maybe not!

If there is one common theme in all of my coaching calls its to watch out for red flags in a new partner.

You know red flags, those things that pop up and make you pause and wonder if something is amiss if you should still continue moving forward in this relationship in spite of them.

What I have come to learn recently is that things that you think are red flags in a partner might actually be signs of someone who is ready for a relationship!

How did I learn this? First hand.

My boyfriend had a lot of red flags when I met him and, as we tend to do, I ignored them. I figured that he would change or I could fix him or that I would adapt because I wanted to be with him.

And, for once, ignoring those red flags was a good thing because here I am, five years later, with the most amazing man.

Here are 5 things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones, things that actually ended up being signs that he was perfect boyfriend material!

#1 – Their strong attachment to their mother.

I have written before about mama’s boys and how having a relationship with them can be challenging. I still believe this but I also know now that there is a flip side to this coin.

When I met my boyfriend, his mother was in a retirement home 5 minutes away. He went to visit her every Friday and Sunday nights. Yes, two weekend nights, every week!

When I learned about this, I thought it would be deal breaker. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with his mom two weekend nights and I believed that he would always choose her over me. I did not want or need either of those things!

My worries were completely unfounded. While my boyfriend was extremely close to his mother, their relationship was a very healthy one. The Friday night visit usually involved a gin and tonic and on Sunday we had dinner. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. And the times that I wanted to stay home, he was fine with it, and if I really wanted him not to go, he wouldn’t.

So, if your potential boyfriend has a close relationship with his mother, don’t let it end things. Give it time and learn more.

#2 – Their lack of ambition.

When I met my boyfriend, one of the first things that I asked him was what was his five-year plan. Did he know where he wanted to go next professionally? When he wanted to retire? Where he wanted to travel to?

I mean, I had a five-year plan and I wanted to hear his.

When I asked him, my boyfriend just gave me a blank stare. I don’t have one, he said. Oh boy, I thought, this is the end of this relationship.

This is an example of things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones.

What I have learned from my boyfriend is the importance of living in the moment. Instead of obsessing about what is next, my boyfriend focuses on the here and now. He loves his work and does it well but it is not the focus of his life. He likes to work on cars and build things out of wood. He likes to ski and hike and look at the sunset.

My ex-husband was extremely ambitious and I found it very appealing but now I realize that he is my ex for a reason. Being with someone who wants to live his life right now and not be on the hamster wheel always striving to be more successful and make more money, is a wonderful thing.

With him I have lived more in the past 5 years than I did in the previous 50, because I stopped trying to get ahead of wherever I was instead of just being here with him.

So, if your person doesn’t seem ambitious and it looks like a deal breaker, pause and do some more investigating. Of course, there are people in whom a lack of ambition is a negative but it does not always have to be that way!

#3 – Their lack of experience with love.

We life coaches always pause when someone tells us that they have just met someone who hasn’t been in many relationships. Why? Because with each relationship, and each break up, we learn something.

With each relationship, we learn what we want and need. We learn how to judge what someone else wants and needs. We learn how to get over a broken heart and the most productive ways to fight.

We also can learn absolutely nothing and get increasingly bitter as the years go on.

My boyfriend was a newbie when it came to relationships. He had been married for 30 years and, before that, had had a few relationships in his 20s but that was it. And I was sure that this was one of those things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones!

For many of us who are on the post-divorce dating circuit, we find that we meet people who have LOTS of baggage. People who have been so drained by marriage and divorce and disappointment and broken hearts that they struggle to trust or be vulnerable. Who go into new relationships very gingerly because they are petrified of being hurt again.

Because my boyfriend had had so few relationships, he had never had his heart broken. Yes, he had a horrible marriage that lasted much longer than it should have but the end didn’t cause him heartbreak. It caused him relief.

As a result, I have a boyfriend who came into this relationship with an open heart. I called him a babe in the woods because every new phase of our relationship filled him with wonder.

I was very damaged by my marriage and I had developed (terrible) habits in relationships to prevent myself from getting hurt. Those habits pushed a lot of guys away after my divorce. But this guy wasn’t that way. He recognized those habits for what they were and he wasn’t triggered by them. He truly wanted to help me work through them because he loved me.

No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he stayed. Why? Because he still trusted love because his heart had never been broken. It was an amazing thing to witness. I am so very lucky.

So, if your person hasn’t been in a lot of relationships, it might be one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones. You could very well find out that your babe in the woods might be just the person you need to help you let go of your baggage and be happy!

#4 – They are too easy going.

I am 100% a Type A person. I like to always be in charge of what I am doing and where I am going. I plan ahead, make contingency plans, get stressed out if plans go awry. Not knowing what is going to happen next is really hard for me.

I have always attracted other Type A people. My ex-husband was very much like me we made a plan for everything. And together we were very stressed out!

My boyfriend is SO not like that. My boyfriend wakes up on Saturday morning, lies on the couch with coffee and car videos and just chills for a few hours. There are no real concrete thoughts about what the day will hold – he just is.

And then, after he has his time, he jumps up and is ready to take his day on. BUT, because he isn’t trying to control it, he just eases into it. And easing into it makes everything way less stressful!

I never thought I would be able to put up with someone who goes with the flow but it has ended up being the best thing in the world for me because he demonstrates every day that you don’t have to control everything to be happy.

What a relief!

#5 – They more more into you than you are to them.

We have all been there having met someone who likes us way more than we like them. And, for many of us, because we like the bad boys not the nice ones, the ones who actually want to treat us with kindness and respect make us want to bolt.

If you have someone who looks at you with love, who puts up with your baggage, who is willing to actually listen and respond in kind, who doesn’t disappear only to return a few days later with excuses, who doesn’t leave you behind on a Saturday night, keep that guy.

Niceness is not a red flag. Niceness is one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

I know that niceness might seem like it would be boring, not a challenge, but, the truth is, if you have someone who loves you a lot, don’t push them away. Try opening your heart to someone who might be different from people you have dated before. You know – different from the people who are now your exes!

In most relationships, there is always one person who loves the other more. And that dynamic can often flip. If you have someone who seems more into you then you are to them, don’t run. You might find that the shoe is on the other foot sometime in the not too distant future.

So, take a risk. Try out a nice guy. You might be very happy you did!

I know that we all look for things that are red flags in a relationship but I would encourage to recognize some things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

Every relationship is different and every dynamic is different so don’t do a hard stop when a red flag gets raised. Pause for a moment, consider that the red flag is there, and why, and then reassess. Might it be time to explore this issue a little more before ending things?

I am so thankful every day that when I met this kind man who was calm and open and hardworking and who adored me. I was in a place where I was willing to open my heart to him and not run at the first sign of something that was amiss.

So, I encourage you to keep your eyes open for red flags, always. Some of them should not be ignored being ghosted, treated with contempt, lied to, cheated on etc but there are those that might be considered green flags, at least yellow flags, ones that should maybe slow you down for a bit, ones that will you look both ways before you proceed! Safely.

5 Reasons to Stay Away from Someone Who Has Cheated Before

/by


 

There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before.

I am sure that the person you have met seems amazing, and they might even be so, but if they have cheated before it is a HUGE red flag, one that should not be ignored.

Of course, not everyone who has cheated will cheat again but knowing the reasons why staying away from someone who has cheated before will help you determine if you want to take the risk with this new relationship or walk away before you get hurt!

#1 – They might struggle with commitment.

Someone who has cheated before is someone who very well might be afraid of commitment.

Perhaps they have been hurt before. Perhaps their parents set a bad example. Perhaps they aren’t sure of themselves in the world and struggle in relationships. Perhaps they have trust issues.

Whatever the reason, many people who cheat have issues that make it very hard for them to commit to someone. As a result, once they start getting close to someone, they get scared and so they cheat. They cheat to push their person away before they need to commit to them.

I have a client who has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She so wants to be in a relationship but she just doesn’t know how to be in a healthy one. When someone gets too close and makes her feel vulnerable, she cheats. Once she cheats, she can leave the relationship and not have to put her happiness at risk.

My client does this, I believe, because she has abandonment issues from her dad leaving when she a child. She truly believes that any man she loves will leave her. As a result, when they start to get too close, she cheats. Instead of breaking up with them, she cheats so that they will break up with her.

Ironically, this pattern ultimately makes her feel more abandoned because, even though she strayed, ultimately those men do leave her. She is left in this cycle of pain that she can’t break.

She is working with me to let go of those patterns but she is someone who I would caution anyone about getting into a relationship with. She would agree with me there, at least for the time being while she does her work.

#2 – Cheating is a coping mechanism.

They say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I don’t necessarily think that is always true. Some who has cheated before might see the destruction that an affair can cause, to all parties, and, as a result, they might be resolved to never cheat again.

For some people, though, cheating is an escape from their life. Much like alcohol, cheaters use cheating as a coping mechanism for their unhappiness. And, once they start, they can’t stop. They get addicted to the way that they feel when they are in the highs of an affair. When they can step out of their miserable life and, for a few hours at least, be desired and have orgasms.

I have a friend who doesn’t mean to be a cheater but he just is. He meets someone, gets involved with them and he is happy. But then life gets in the way. He struggles at work, can’t get ahead on his bills, doesn’t see his kids enough and has a bad back. He no longer drinks so he doesn’t have that coping mechanism. As a result, to manage his pain and frustration, he cheats.

He loves being out on the prowl, finding someone he is interested, flirting and being flirted with. He loves to be desired and he loves the orgasms. After a night of this, he goes home, feeling somewhat less stressed out, at least until the next time.

So, if you are with someone who has cheated before, especially if it’s more than once, just know that cheating might be a coping mechanism for them, and not a healthy one at that!

#3 – They might have left over issues with their ex.

I have a client whose husband left her after having an affair.

He left her, moved in with this person and ultimately married them. They have been together now eight years and, try as they might, she and her husband just don’t get along.

She still has a lot of anger about how things went down. They weren’t happily married but she was hoping that they could work on things and, if they couldn’t fix things, they could agree to get divorced and life would go on. It didn’t work that way, however. He betrayed her and embarrassed her to the world with his affair.

As for him, I believe that he still struggles with the guilt of what he did. As a result, he is always angry with her. He won’t take responsibility for his behavior and it’s much easier to blame her, because she was a bad wife, she ignored him etc.

So, because of the affair, my client and her ex still have a contentious relationship, one that definitely interferes with both of their new relationships.

This, I believe, is a huge reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before to make sure that your relationship isn’t influence by negative outside energy that is the result of the infidelity.

#4 – They might have impulse control issues.

Another reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because they might have impulse control issues.

Many people say that having an affair is a choice. And, yes, I agree with this. For some people, however, it is harder to resist having an affair because they struggle with impulse control.

They might be the kind of person who drinks too much, who can’t eat ice cream, who spends hours glued to Netflix instead of getting their work done. They do want to do things differently but, because they struggle to control their behaviors, they just can’t.

People who cheat are often people who easily give into their impulses, impulses that can be very destructive. Even if they aren’t having an affair, someone who can’t control their drinking can seriously impact a relationship. Someone who can’t control their eating will damage their health. And someone who can’t stop watching TV could lose their job.

So, it’s not just resisting the impulse to cheat. Someone who has cheated before could very likely go down some other avenue with their impulses that could cause havoc in your relationship.

#5 – Because you might never trust them.

One of the most important reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because, knowing that they have cheated, it might be hard to ever trust them. And being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust will only lead to pain and self-doubt.

I have a client who got involved with someone who cheated. She told herself that he was such a good guy and that he would never do that again. As the relationship went on, she started to suspect that he might be doing so. She didn’t address it directly but instead snooped around for signs or proof that he might be doing so.

As time went on and she continued to believe that he was cheating, she started feeling worse and worse about herself. She told herself that if he was cheating, he must have found someone better than her. That wasn’t good enough for anyone. And that she really couldn’t blame him because she was such a loser.

Ironically, he wasn’t cheating but, because he had cheated before, when he started to pull away a bit, she went right down the to the dark side, believing that, because he had cheated before, he would cheat again. And down she went, into darkness and despair.

Because she didn’t trust him, she started to doubt herself. Ultimately the relationship ended and she was devastated.

There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated.

Again, not everyone who has cheated cheats again but we want to be very careful before we go down the path of being with someone who waves a red flag like that one.

People who cheat might have problems with commitment and they might have impulse control issues. They might be a serial cheater who just can’t stop. They might have issues with their ex, which could interfere with the health of their relationship. And, without trust, your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you are going to take the risk and date someone who has cheated, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you have any concerns, tell them. Ask them to be honest with you. If you can talk about the past infidelity and address any signs that it might be happening again, you can stop it in its tracks before it causes more damage than it already has!

You can do this!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin