5 Expectations that Women Have of Men that Can Destroy their Relationships

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One of the most consistent elements of my life coaching is hearing about the expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationships.

I hear from women who have these sky-high expectations for their men, and when they aren’t met, they are devastated. And they treat their men horribly as a result.

And the relationship fails, which nobody wants.

Let me share with you expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationship.

Knowing them is very important so that you can understand how you might be able to shift your expectations and keep your relationship healthy and strong.

#1 – That men know what they are thinking.

I think a baseline cause of why women might have certain expectations of their men is because of their women friends.

I think their expectations of their men are borne from aspects that naturally occur in their female friendships. And this tendency can be very destructive.

Why? Because women are women and men are men, and their skill sets are very different.

How many times has a friend looked at you and known exactly what you are thinking? How many times have they, because they know what you are thinking, given you exactly what you need now?

How often have you been so thankful that they are your friend because they can do that?

Now, is having your husband be able to do the same thing an expectation that you have? Do you believe that they should be able to look at you and know what you are thinking?

Well, I am afraid that if this is something that you expect, you will be sorely disappointed.

One of the magical things about women is that we are intuitive and we have been practicing these skills our whole lives. Men aren’t usually as intuitive or intuitive at all, and, as a result, they can’t be mind-readers.

As much as they want to do it because they know it makes their partners happy, it can be virtually impossible for them to do so. And expecting them to do so will only let you both down.

So, know that your man most likely can’t read your mind. If you need something from him, ask him. I know that he would be happy to do whatever you want him to do if you tell him what it is!

#2 – That men anticipate their needs.

This one is very similar to men being able to read our minds. Much like in our friendships, we want the men in our lives to anticipate our needs. To know what we need and make it happen.

We want the men in our lives to reflect back on what we have needed in a similar moment in the past and act accordingly.

We want to believe that the men in our lives should know us well enough to know what we might need, and because they know us so well, they can act on it.

Unfortunately, much like mind reading, men aren’t great at anticipating their partners’ needs.

Men tend to live in the moment, so asking them to harken back to previous behavior can be futile.

I know that, with my ex-husband, I needed him to be home in time for dinner. I told him that regularly and he had a 70% success rate at doing what I needed.

And then, I stopped telling him. I felt he should know what I needed because I had told him many times. I felt like my reminding him was treating him like a child.

Unfortunately, without me reminding him, my husband’s get home from work on time success rate fell to 40%.

Instead of relying on past experience and anticipating my needs, he figured my needs had changed and acted accordingly.

To be clear, I know that men would give anything to be able to anticipate our needs, but I know that this isn’t often a skill that they have developed over the course of their lifetime and that they just aren’t good at it.

So, know that men being able to anticipate your needs is an expectation that women have of men that can destroy a relationship. Again, if you need something from them, tell them. That is an expectation you can have of your man that if you ask him to do something and he agrees to do it, he will.

#3 – That men must do things the way they do.

I hear a lot from women who have kids, who work and shop and drive and cook and clean and do all of the other mundane things that must be done.

And women are generally pretty bad at asking for help to get these things done, usually because if they ask their man to help, and he agrees, he doesn’t do it the way they want it to be done.

“No matter if the outcome of the request was a positive one,” I often hear women tell me that it wasn’t done the way they wanted, so they won’t ask their husbands to help again.

“If it were me, I would do it this way” is something I hear from clients and friends over and over and over.

Because we see a certain way of doing things and believe that those actions would meet the proper ends efficiently and effectively, when we see someone else doing things differently, we get extremely frustrated, especially when it’s our partners.

And when we get extremely frustrated with our partners, we get angry, resentful, and rude, and that is not part of the recipe for a happy relationship.

So, know that expecting your man, or anyone, to do things as you believe they should be done is futile. We all do things our own way, and those ways work for us!

#4 – That men’s actions should be born of love.

“If he loved me, he would.” This is another thing that I hear all the time.

A client of mine was very frustrated because she wanted her husband to look at some windows they needed for their house renovation. They agreed he would stop at the store on his way home.

And, unfortunately, he forgot. He was distracted by work and life, and he just forgot.

How did my client react? She took it very personally. She believed that his inaction around the windows was directly related to how much he loved her.

And she told him that. And he was stunned because he loved her madly and he had just forgotten to stop and look at the windows.

For many women, every action they take for their partners is born of love. Women are natural caregivers, and we look at what our men want and need and move heaven and earth to get those things done. Why do we do this? Because we love them.

If we were truly honest with ourselves, we would admit that if we didn’t get these things done, it wasn’t because we loved our men less. Something would get in the way and wouldn’t get done. And our men don’t take it personally.

But, this expectation that women have of men can destroy a relationship because she doesn’t feel that way about her man she truly believes that, if he loved her, he would read her mind, anticipate her needs and do things the way that she wants them done.

#5 – That men will always be there, no matter what.

Unfortunately, when women’s expectations aren’t met, we often don’t react very well.

I know that when my ex-husband didn’t do things the way I wanted him to, I would treat him very badly.

I would berate him for not doing what I wanted or give him silent treatment. I would be crabby with him and snap easily. I would withdraw from his touch. I would treat him like a child and be very contemptuous.

It never occurred to me that if I continued to behave this way, he would eventually get sick of me and leave. And, ultimately, he did.

He told me when he was walking out that he was sick of not being seen by me. Of me not approving of the way that he did things. Of me refusing to touch him or have sex with him. Of the long silences that happened when he let me down.

In retrospect, it was all obvious to me that the way I behaved was terrible, but because my expectations were so high and he was continually letting me down, I thought I was justified at the time.

But I know now that expecting a husband or boyfriend who is treated badly by their partner to stay is silly. They have the right to walk away anytime; if pushed far enough, they will.

So, there you go, 5 expectations that women have of men that can destroy their relationships.

The critical piece is how women treat their men when they let them down. Instead of talking to them and letting their men know how they feel, they shut down.

And shutting down does nothing but keep the whole cycle of letdown and anger repeating itself, over and over.

If you can make an effort to recognize that your man won’t behave like you or your friends, if you can modify your expectations to something that you know will work for both of you, you will be way more likely to keep your relationship strong.

You can do it!

What Makes a Power Couple? 5 Ways to Know So You Can Be One Too

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Every couple I know would like to know what makes a power couple.

We look at celebrity couples like Michelle and Barack Obama, , Beyonce and Jay-Z, Megan and Harry, and Ashton Kutcher and Mila Kunis (to name a few) and want more than anything for our relationship to be like theirs.

We want love, stability, success, commitment, and power.

We want to be a couple that we can be proud of and one that everyone else admires.

We want a relationship that will withstand time and overcome all obstacles.

Namely, we want to be part of a power couple!

Would you like to know what makes a power couple?

Learn the traits that make a power couple a power couple so that you and your partner can strive to be everything that you want to be?

Let me share them with you now so you can move forward deliberately and make it happen.

#1 – They prioritize each other.

One of the most important traits that make a powerful couple is prioritizing each other.

In this crazy world, with work, kids, families, and life all getting in the way, its easy for couples to lose sight of each other.

Power couples, especially, are busy conquering the world, and instead of letting their work get in the way of their relationship, they make it a part of their success story.

Take Megan and Harry, for example. When they got married, from day one, they struggled. The Royal Family, the media, and much of the country seemed to be betting against them.

Harry was used to this way of royal lifee he had lived it all of his life. And royal life had been the only thing that he had known. While he struggled with it sometimes, he was devoted to his family and country. Until that is, they started messing with his wife.

As we all know, Harry chose Megan. When he noticed that she was struggling, he stood up for her and turned away from everything he had ever known so that she would be safe and their relationship intact.

Now, look at them safely ensconced in Santa Barbara, raising a family in a healthy way and taking on the world. He prioritized her. She trusted him. Now they are living happily ever after.

So, if you want to know what makes a power couple, prioritization is key!

#2 – They don’t take each other for granted.

Unfortunately, many relationships fall apart because couples take each other for granted.

They assume their person will always be there for them until they are suddenly not.

When I was married, we were a bit of a power couple. My ex-husband had a high-level job at a world-known company. I was on fire as a real estate agent. We traveled the world, lived in Tokyo and did things other people only dreamed about doing.

I can’t tell you how many times someone told me that they wished they had the life that we had.

And we did have a good life. But, as life went on, we took each other for granted.

We were both so busy that we never made time for each other. We sometimes treated each other disrespectfully because we assumed we would always be there. We stopped putting our relationship first.

As a result, we gradually grew apart. As we did, our power faded. Not being so well connected as a couple sapped the energy out of our relationship, leaving us just another couple, soon to be divorced.

If you want to be part of a powerful couple, never take each other for granted.

#3 – “ No topic is off-limits.

In literally every pursuit in the world, communication is the key to its success in every pursuit in the world. Having an open dialogue about what is going on around us is how we make a change and move forward.

And when communication falters, so does success.

Imagine two high-level executives at a Fortune 500 company. Imagine if, as they made plans for their business to grow and flourish, they could not talk about it.

Imagine if they found that if they tried to share their goals, the others would only mock them.

Imagine if they hid things from each other, trying to protect the other.

Can you imagine these executives not running this company into the ground because they couldn’t talk about important things?

So it is with a power couple.

A powerful couple can talk about anything and everything. They will be able to talk and know that they will be heard. They will be willing to truly listen and not just think about what they will say next. They will work together through issues. They will be able to resolve things and move forward decisively.

Can you and your partner communicate about everything? Do voices sometimes get raised, but are you generally able to work through things and move on, never holding grudges or being passive-aggressive?

If the answer to this question is yes, you could be part of a power couple!

#4- They share the same goals.

Every power couple shares the same goals and works together to reach them.

I am not saying they need to have the same goals, but they do need complementary goals like reaching a certain career benchmark or wanting to accomplish something big. Or raising a healthy, stable family.

What can’t happen is one of them sitting quietly on the sidelines, watching the other person have all of the successes.

Back to Megan and Harry. They seem to have very complementary goals.

They are both activists who travel the world, making a difference.

They are parents who prioritize the mental health of their kids.

They strive to be financially independent.

They want to live their own lives.

And they do these things.

While I know they are activists for different causes, they both support and believe in each other’s work. They work side by side, teaching their children to be strong despite their difficult childhoods. They are living the way they want to live and doing an excellent job of working together to be financially independent.

Do you and your partner share similar goals? Do you support each other with those goals and stand beside each other every step of the way?

If yes, then you and your person are most likely a power couple, one that might even change the world.

#5 – They give each other space.

In every couple, there are two people. Two distinct people had separate lives before they came together as one.

Unfortunately, when couples form, sometimes their individuality disappears, and they become less of who they are as a person. They are not worse people, but they might lose touch with themselves.

Giving each other space and letting each other be individuals is one of the key traits that make a power couple!

I remember when Barack Obama was president. Watching him and Michelle navigate their lives in the White House was fascinating.

They were both important people with big jobs, taking care of the country and advocating for better lives for everyone. We often saw them with their children or on a date, a truly happy couple who enjoyed being together.

What I remember even more is the freedom they gave each other. Michelle used to travel the country, following her passions. She took her kids on trips to places she wanted to share with them. He was able to escape the Oval Office to play golf or basketball.

They gave each other space to be who they were as individuals. And that made them a power couple.

Power couples can use up a lot of energy when they are in the same room. Giving each other the freedom to go off on their own to recharge their batteries only makes them stronger when they get back together.

I hope after reading this article you know understand more about what makes a power couple.

Today, Barack and Michelle Obama have one of the most respected relationships in the world and that’s not because they are glued to each other’s sides daily.

Being like Beyonce and Jay Z or Ben and Jennifer might not be what you want for your relationship. It does seem like a lot of work to be them.

But, even if you want a simple life, you can still be a powerful couple. You can still prioritize each other every day. You can never take each other for granted. You can listen and know you will be heard. You can share the same goals for your future and give each other space.

Doing so will make you the power couple in your family and community. You can bring positivity everywhere and make a big difference in your little universe.

And as a result, your relationship will stay strong and you, too, can get the happily ever after you have always wanted!

5 Reasons Boundaries Are Important For Healing After A Break Up So That You Can Move On

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If there is one thing that I always tell my clients, it’s that boundaries are important for healing after a break up.

So many people go into a breakup feeling nothing but overwhelmed and devastated. They aren’t thinking clearly and, as a result, make many mistakes. Mistakes can cause them a lot of embarrassment and prolong the path to healing necessary to move on.

Like setting goals for a work project, setting boundaries is the key to getting through your breakup and going on with your life quickly, with minimal pain.

What kind of boundaries am I talking about? Name a few:

Figuring out how/when/if you will contact each other for any reason.

If there is a social group to deal with, figure out who will see whom.

Figuring out what social media interactions you will have.

Whatever it is that you need to let go and start healing.

Let me share with you why boundaries are important for healing after a break up so that you can understand and begin to heal.

#1 – Setting your intentions.

By setting boundaries, you set your intentions to get over this break-up and move on.

Think about where you are now. You are devastated if you were broken up with and, most likely, sad if you did the breaking up.

The life you had even a few days ago is completely gone, and you feel unsure about the future.

If you can set boundaries around how you will work through the breakup, you are setting intentions. You are telling yourself, and your ex, that you need certain things to move forward. These boundaries and intentions will help you set guard rails that will keep you from straying off your path toward healing.

Think about how you feel right now, like you want to reach out to them, stalk them on social media, seek closure, or ask their friends about what is happening. None of these things are healthy if you have broken up with them. And if you did the breaking up, reaching out to them to ensure they are okay won’t be helpful either.

If you can set boundaries that will define how you will move forward to get over the breakup, you will be way less likely to do things that won’t help you heal but might even hinder it.

#2 – Making things clear on both sides.

I have a client whose husband just told her, out of the blue, that he wants a divorce. She is devastated.

Ever since he asked for the divorce about a week ago, he has been hounding her about getting lawyers and figuring out the divorce details. He comes over whenever he wants to and sometimes spends the night.

The two things are so contradictory, and it only makes her more and more upset.

One of the biggest issues during breakups is that one person thinks one thing, and the other thinks another.

My client wants her marriage to get together and knows he doesn’t. She is working on accepting that. The pain of seeing him is setting her back. I encouraged her to tell her husband she needed time and space. That if he wanted to come over, he had to notify her. If he gives her time to process what is happening, she will be willing to start discussing divorce details.

Her husband was open to doing what she asked because he knew it would make the divorce happen, which is his ultimate goal. And he needed to see clearly that what he was doing by visiting was not ok, something he had just assumed he could do because that is what he had always done.

#3 – Creating new habits.

With a breakup comes a huge lifestyle change.

When coupled up, our lives often revolve around our partners and what we do together.

Whether it’s a morning walk, a regular lunch date, Monday night TV, or Christmases with family, with a breakup, all those things are thrown asunder.

What exactly are you going to do to fill that free time?

Setting boundaries is the first step towards filling that time.

Both parties must be clear that things are going to change. I know that, for one of my clients, her partner wanted her to continue to have lunch with him so that they could ‘just be friends.’ She didn’t want to be friends and wanted to have lunch with her friends now that she was single again, knowing that seeing her ex would be upsetting.

Another had her ex-husband come over for dinner nightly so the kids wouldn’t be upset at the change. It was devastating for him to do that as, every night after he left, he was devastated that he had to do so.

So, one of the reasons that boundaries are important for healing after a break up is because it allows people to draw a line in the sand that won’t be crossed so that they can start rebuilding their life post break up.

#4 – Holding yourself accountable.

Think about your gym routine. Is it fairly vague? Do you wait until after work to figure out if you are going to go or not, or do you make a plan on Sunday for what days you are going to go that week?

And which way of deciding when to go to the gym works best for you?

I am guessing that when you define a plan for your workouts, instead of playing it by ear, you are more likely to get to the gym as much as you want to.

So does setting boundaries with your ex set you up for success? Why? Because when we define what we want, instead of just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks, we can more easily hold ourselves accountable for succeeding.

Let’s say you and your ex decide that you will make an effort not to cross paths, whether at the gym, a bar, or a soccer game. If you both try to make that happen without a plan, it most likely won’t happen. But, if you set a boundary to reach this goal, you will likely succeed.

Perhaps you decide they will only go to the bar on Fridays and leave Saturdays to you. Or to the gym at 5 instead of 6. Or just the Saturday soccer game, but not the Sunday one.

Knowing the plan will make you way more likely to succeed at reaching your goal.

#5 – Planning for the future.

Now that you are no longer part of a couple, it’s time to start looking toward the future.

And you can’t do that if you are still in a holding pattern with your ex.

Setting boundaries will help you look toward the future to see what is next for you.

I know that my client’s husband, who is asking for a divorce, wants to define a timeline for the divorce to make a plan moving forward.

And that is fair. Just like she has the right to define a boundary to give her space, he is allowed to ask for a boundary as to when they will start talking about it. That way, he can look ahead and plan what he needs to do.

A big part of getting past a breakup is to look to the future. Getting mired in the past will only hold you back from healing. That you can set a boundary that will help you look forward, not back, is one reason that boundaries are important for healing after a break up.

So now you can see why setting boundaries is important for healing after a break up.

This is a painful time, and thinking logically might be difficult. But I would encourage you to try to do so.

If you can work with your ex to set boundaries, it will provide clarity and accountability and set you up for a future full of love and happiness!

Save Your Love: How To Fix A Toxic Relationship

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So many of my clients initially come to me to learn how to fix a toxic relationship and being happy again. Is it even possible?

And my response? YES!

That being said, it’s not easy and takes some determination on both sides.

But many couples who once loved each other have done the hard work and found their way back to each other, often times happier than ever.

So, how is it possible to fix a toxic relationship and be happy again? Let me share.

#1 – Make sure that everyone is on board.

Many of my clients tell me that they aren’t quitters. That they will never give up their efforts to fix their toxic relationship.

And I say that’s great, BUT there is no reason to keep fighting if your partner isn’t on board 100%.

Imagine any sporting event baseball, football, tennis, golf. Imagine that one of you is out there, excited to play, working hard to play well and eager for the outcome. Imagine if the other team, or the other player, has no interest in playing. They stand around bored and unengaged. They put no effort into their play. They have no attachment at all to the outcome.

Would you find that situation enjoyable? Would it be something that you wanted to repeat? Would it help you develop your skills? Would you be frustrated that your partner didn’t care?

So it is in a relationship. If one person is all in, fighting every day to fix the toxic relationship, reading books, watching TikTok, taking seminars, coming up with activities, and the other person does not care, the relationship fixing will get exactly nowhere.

Before fixing your relationship, talk with your partner to see if they are all in. To see if they want your relationship to be fixed and if they are willing to do the work to get there.

If they don’t, fixing a toxic relationship won’t be possible, and it will be time to walk away!

#2 – Make a list.

Now that you know that your partner is interested in fixing your toxic relationship, it is time to talk about what is wrong.

With many couples, the things they struggle with can be dramatically different. Understanding what each other is struggling with is key to fixing the relationship.

I know that when I was married, what my ex and I struggled with were dramatically different.

I struggled with him not being present in our family’s life. I struggled with his alcohol drinking and his quick temper. I struggled with feeling like he didn’t see me. I struggled with his inability to follow through on a promise.

For him, I think he struggled with me ignoring him. With me not respecting him. With me not wanting to have sex. With the limitations on his free time, that was the result of our busy family.

As a result, when we tried to fix our toxic relationship, we were coming at it from such a different place that we could not make any progress, and every time we tried, we eventually gave up.

I suggest that my clients set a time with their partner to discuss what they need from the marriage. They know that the discussion might be painful but that they both be willing to make themselves vulnerable for the sake of the relationship.

Each partner can take the time beforehand to assess what they need to be happy, which can be shared during the meeting. Shared without judgement or blame, just shared.

Once the partners come to a mutual understanding of what the other is dealing with then, the healing process can begin.

#3 – Make a list of things that need to change.

We tend to want to fix everything simultaneously when presented with the need to fix something. And that can often fail.

Think about your New Year’s Resolution to get healthy, eat better, get in shape, and be kinder.

Wow! That seems pretty daunting to me! And, more often than not, something like that is daunting to the resolution setter, and, as a result, they ultimately give up.

What if, instead of the goal to be healthy,we start small. Perhaps it is drinking only three times a week. Or getting to the gym on Tuesday and Thursdays. Or being more patient with your sister.

One small thing at which you can have success.

Once you accomplish that one thing, you will feel good about yourself and more motivated to take on the next. As time passes and you succeed at each thing, you might ultimately find that you have kept your New Year’s resolution.

This idea works with a relationship that needs to be fixed. Starting small might make it possible to fix it.

I always encourage each person to choose one thing”—one thing that, if it is different, it will have the biggest effect. Once you know those things, you can discuss what would work to change them.

If my ex could have followed through on what he said he would do, that would have helped me a lot in my desire to fix our relationship.

If I had been clear with him that it was an issue and we had discussed what he could do to make change, he would been given the tools that he needed to help me with this issue.

If he had done the same for me, I would have had clarity around what he needed from me.

Instead of trying to be “happier, we could have strived to fix one small part of the relationship that made us miserable.

I wish we had done that then – we might still be married now if we had!

#4 – Set benchmarks.

The is one of the essential tools that make it possible to fix a toxic relationship”—setting benchmarks around the work that you are doing.

The definition of benchmark serves as a standard by which others may be measured or judged. It is the point at which you evaluate the efficacy of a process.

In trying to fix a relationship, I always encourage couples to give themselves a timeline. To establish a date, or series of dates, on which they will come back together and discuss the progress that they are making.

Many couples get together and figure out what needs to be fixed and then set out to fix it. And then, life gets in the way, and their efforts stop despite their best intentions. And then those same problems rear their ugly heads again.

To prevent this from happening, I encourage couples to define a time to come back together to assess their work status. To evaluate what is working and what isn’t. Or to discuss that all efforts seem to have ceased.

By doing this, they will hold themselves accountable for the work they promised to do and, hopefully, set themselves up for success.

#5 – Get support.

I know that the idea of marriage counseling is abhorrent to many people.

Women often feel like their partners aren’t fully involved, and men often feel like therapy involves a litany of everything they have ever done wrong over their relationship.

I would argue that marriage counseling can be different and more effective.

If couples can work together ahead of time to identify the issues (as I encouraged in #2) and then bring these lists to the counselor, they will have a starting point that is not about what everyone is doing wrong but rather about what needs to be fixed.

Working with a counselor, or a life coach, will help teach people the skills to do what you want. To understand how to successfully reach the benchmarks set for each item.

We all would like to be born with the skills needed to fix a relationship, but sometimes, we aren’t. Sometimes we are too close to a situation to see it. Sometimes we don’t understand what or how, something needs to be done. Sometimes just a little bit of guidance can make a big difference!

So, to make it possible to fix a toxic relationship, sometimes support is precisely what you need.

I hope you now see that it is possible to fix a toxic relationship and understand some of the steps you can take to do so.

I know that the prospect of doing the work to fix the relationship might be daunting, but I am also guessing that, if you are reading this article, it is something that you want to do.

So, talk to your person. Get an understanding of whether they are all in. Make a list of what needs to be fixed and choose to address one thing. Set benchmarks for the work, so you do not lose sight of what needs to be done, and get support if needed.

Remember, thousands of couples fix their toxic relationship every day.

You can too!

5 Best Ways to Forgive Yourself, and Your Ex, After Your Divorce

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Eight years ago, a friend said to me It was time to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I had been divorced for almost 5 years, and I was still so angry at him, and every time I saw him or thought about what had happened, I sank to a dark place.

I wanted so badly to move on, but I did not know how.

Forgiveness is always a concept that has been difficult for me to grasp. It’s genetic  my mom could never forgive anyone for anything. I don’t want to be like her but know I need to be.

So I set out to learn more about forgiveness so that I would maybe be able to move on.

I learned that definition of to forgive is “stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.”

I found that very interesting. I had always assumed that to forgive someone was to actually forget the hurts, like they had never happened.

And that, I could not do.

But, it seems that to forgive is more about letting go of the harsh feelings. It doesn’t mean forgetting what happened but just letting go of your anger about it.

So, armed with this new knowledge, I set out on the difficult journey towards forgiveness.

Let me share with you 5 ways to forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

I want to share that journey with you now so that you too can forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

# 1 – Take ownership.

One thing that I did for a while after my divorce was play the victim.

My ex-husband had left me for his college girlfriend. I was devastated. I had been blindsided, and I had been replaced.

I fed my anger around my divorce with this narrative for years that I was the innocent victim and had been abandoned.

A therapist suggested to me that I look past what happened him walking out on me and look at what happened before that moment. What had been happening in our marriage leading up to this point? What had made our marriage vulnerable to him leaving?

It wasn’t hard for me to connect with my role in what happened in our marriage. It was buried right below the surface and I hadn’t wanted to face it and had instead focused on what he had done wrong.

But, once I was honest with myself, I recognized that my role in the end of our marriage was not a small one.

I know that I had ignored him for years and often treated him with contempt. That he was fifth in our household, after the kids and the dogs. That I never had sex with him barely touched him some days that I would choose spending time with my friends over him, every time.

Internalizing these things was not easy I had been angry at him for so long that I had some walls to break through. But, once I accepted my role in what had happened, I was definitely on the path to forgiving myself and him for our divorce.

So, what part did you play in the end of your marriage? Taking stock of it and internalizing it will put you on the path to forgiving yourself and your ex after your divorce.

#2 – Do not get mired in regrets.

I am someone who can easily get mired in regrets. To obsess about things that I had done wrong in the past, about the bad choices I had made, about how things should have been.

Those regrets were my constant companion, and they were not healthy.

A very wise man (my fiance) said, during one of my trips down memory lane, that I was doing the best that I could with the information that I had at the time.

Those words were life changing.

Sure, it is easy to remember what had gone wrong in my marriage. To obsess over different choices that I could have made or actions that I could have taken would have led to a different outcome.

Perhaps, I would think, if I had only done things differently, we would still be married, and my kids would have an intact family.

But how I am now isn’t how I was when we were married. I was young, and I was harried and I had no idea to navigate many of the obstacles that were presented on the path to my marriage being a happy one. My husband was the same. We didn’t know what we were doing, more often than not.

Sure, I could get mired in the what could have beens but, the reality is, that I can’t change what happened. The past is the past. I also do not have any idea what the outcome would have been had a made a different choice or done something differently.

Yes, things might have been better but could have also been worse. I don’t know, and spending even a moment regretting what might have been or what might not have been is a waste of good time.

So, if you are focusing on the past more often than not, stop. If you do, you might find that you can forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#3 – Recognize that we are all only human

When you got married, did someone give you a manual about how to be married?

Did you return from your honeymoon with a clear path to a happy marriage?

Were people full of consistent advice about how to make a marriage work?

I am guessing not.

So, as you moved forward in your marriage, you had no idea what you were doing.

You were being human and you were making mistakes.

Sure, in the movies and on TV, we see perfect marriages, where people always seem to know what to do or say and where issues get resolved in 30-90 minutes. But that isn’t how real life, and real marriage, is.

Real marriage is messy. It involves arguments and financial woes and kid issues and extended family stress and all of the other stuff that makes up life.

It’s insane to think that two people could navigate these things without a struggle.

I am guessing that there are very few people who, when they get married, set out to intentionally sabotage their marriages. What happens, instead, is that imperfect people try to work together to get through things that happen, good and bad, and, sometimes, they just don’t succeed.

Once I was able to accept this fact ” that my ex-husband and I were only two human beings, doing the best that we could in the world was I able to move towards the forgiveness, for me and for him, that I so desired.

#4 – Take stock of all that is good now.

So, be honest with yourself. Are things pretty good right now? If not right now, do you have some hope for the future?

I have a client who was in a very abusive relationship. She tried for years to get out and, about a year ago, she managed to finally do so.

Since then, her life has not been perfect. Her son won’t talk to her because of the divorce. Her ex-husband continues to be a dick. She can’t find a job in her chosen profession. The future might be bright but it’s pretty murky right now.

Last week, when she was feeling really down, I reminded her of what it was like when she was married. Yes, now was rough but was it better than being married?

Her answer?  YES!

From where I sit, someone who was resoundingly dumped by the father of my children 12 years ago, life is pretty damn good.

Since the divorce, I moved to NYC and started a new business. I have travelled to places that I always longed to see. I have made lots of new friends and I have met the love of my life. We will be married in the spring.

If I hadn’t gotten divorced, none of those things would have happened and who knows where I would be today.

How does your life look right now? Is there hope for your future? Is your life just a little bit better now that that toxic marriage is over?

Consider this and it might just help you forgive yourself, and your ex, after your divorce.

#5 – Resolve to do things differently.

This one is key.

The resolution to not repeat the mistakes that you made in your marriage the first time around.

In my next marriage, I know that I will do my best to pay attention to my husband, even when I have something going on. I will not pout or sulk when I don’t get my way. I won’t walk away during an argument and I will try to make him my priority.

I don’t want this marriage to end the way my first one did.

Can you imagine how hard it would be to forgive yourself and your ex, after your divorce if you made the same mistakes over again?

How badly you would feel about yourself if you did the very things that broke your first marriage apart?

How would you ever forgive yourself if you had to put yourself through another horrible divorce?

So, make sure that you take stock of your role in the demise of your marriage so that you don’t repeat the same mistakes.

So there you go, 5 ways to forgive yourself after a divorce.

Remember forgiving is not forgetting. Forgiving is about letting go of the anger and hurt around what happened.

And you don’t want to forget. You want to let go of the pain but it’s important to remember what happened in the past so that you do not make the same mistakes again, so that you can have the life, and the love, that you want this time around.

I know that you can do this to forgive yourself and your ex after your divorce.

I did it and you can too!

 

The #1 Thing That Makes Your Wife Feel Safe and Secure

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Good for you for wondering what makes your wife feel safe and secure.

Many men don’t do that and, as a result, their marriages fail.

I know that when I was married, my husband tried to make me feel safe. He worked hard, walked on the curbside of the road, anticipated what action he would take in every bad scenario but he never truly made me feel safe.

We are divorced now not surprisingly.

So, what is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure?

You are going to love this one truly. I know that it’s incredibly hard but you can do it!

The #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure communication!

Ok, so, now you know Let me tell you why and how you can communicate in a way that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

#1 – If you communicate with your wife she will trust you.

Ok, this one might be hard to understand.

How can communicating with your wife make her trust you?

Ask yourself do you know what is going on in your wife’s head every day? Do you know if she is working through a problem, feeling hopeful for the future, wondering who is going to pick up the kids from school, how she will ever be able to go to the gym?

I am guessing probably not.

And, chances are, she can’t read your mind either.

So, there you are, going about your day, having no idea how your spouse is feeling, not knowing the things that they are managing, maybe struggling to manage.

If you guys talk to each other, things will change dramatically.

For example, if your wife is feeling frustrated by all of the things on her plate, by you asking her what she has going on, she will know that you care. If you ask her how she is doing, she can celebrate with you that she is doing well or share with you that she is struggling. If you share with her that your day is crazy and that you won’t get home in time for dinner, she might be disappointed but she can plan accordingly.

In all of these cases, it’s talking to each other that makes your woman feel safe because it makes her trust you, to trust that you are being open and transparent with her.

Talking to her makes her feel seen and heard. Talking to her makes her feel confident that you know what is going on in your lives. Talking to her makes her secure that she can trust you to help her manage her moods and all the crazy things that are going on in both of your lives.

I know that communication can be challenging for men. Women spend 24/7 communicating with other women in their lives and they have always done so. As a result, communication is easy. Men haven’t exercised that muscle as much and therefore they struggle with it.

But you can do it. If the goal is to make your wife feel safe and secure, communication can make your wife trust you and therefore feel that way.

#2 – If you communicate with your wife she will feel loved.

For women, a lot of feeling safe and loved is feeling like we are being heard and appreciated. It is being told that we are doing things well and that we are being noticed. It is being empathized with when we are struggling.

Think about the times where you and your wife have been forced to communicate. Perhaps it’s because of a fight. Perhaps it was because you needed to co-ordinate the kid’s hockey schedule. Perhaps it is because you go out to dinner and actually spend a few hours across the table from each other, talking about this and that.

While the fight was, I am sure, uncomfortable, it was, to some degree at least, a form of communication. And, if the fight was resolved and the issue put to bed, that is a success for both of you. Do you often find that you have make up sex after a fight, after being forced to communicate? And I am guessing sex makes her feel safe and secure, no?

Perhaps if you talk together about making a plan for the soccer weekend, she will know that you will be a part of how it’s all going to come together and that she is not alone in making things happen. That would feel really good, to not have to carry the whole load on her shoulders.

Perhaps it’s just a night out, the two of you. Talking about this and that but actually talking to each other and not at each other.

In all of those instances, you make your wife feel safe and secure. You make her feel loved. And feeling loved is what a woman wants, more than almost anything in the world!

#3 – If you communicate with your wife you will stay connected.

The number one thing that causes a marriage to disintegrate is the absence of communication.

Think about when you were first together. Didn’t you stay up late at night, talking about your hopes and dreams. There weren’t many hours spent making plans for the weekend or for a vacation. Were there regular dinners out, talking about sports and clothes and pets and holidays?

Didn’t you feel connected? So connected, in fact, that you asked her to marry you.

And now, here you are, however many years down the road and that connection has disintegrated.

Kids and work and chores and money and extended family, all of the mundane things of everyday life, have gotten in the way of you and your wife feeling connected.

And, when your wife isn’t feeling connected, she isn’t feeling safe and secure.

Talking with you, her partner in life and love, will allow her to feel the connection that she once felt, to feel loved and safe and certain about the future.

Again, if your wife feels connected to you, she is way more likely to want to have sex with you. If that isn’t enough of an argument for working on your communication skills, I don’t know what is.

So, there you go, why communication is the #1 thing that makes your wife feel safe and secure.

I know that the idea is scary. That you don’t think that you can communicate in a way that will make her feel all of those things (although perhaps you know that you can, in which case, go for it!)

What I want to remind you is that you do have the ability to communicate. I mean, you did it at the beginning of your relationship, well enough that she agreed to marry you. So, can dig deep, find that communication muscle and start to work it?

I would encourage you to talk to someone (namely me!) to help you work on building your communication skills. There are also some great articles and videos on social media that can help you out.

All of this being said, there is one way that communicate will NOT make your wife feel safe and secure listening to her and then trying to fix her.

Woman want to be heard and empathized with they don’t to be fixed. I would encourage you to think about this because, for many men, the instinct to fix instead of listen is almost innate. If you can be aware of this and try to listen and not fix, you will go a long way towards making your wife feel safe and secure.

Here is a video that I love. It shows (in a humorous way) how to communicate with your woman to make her feel loved and to not fix her.

You can make your wife feel safe and secure. I know you can!

5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

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5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

Are you trying to help someone who is really hurting after a break up?

Is someone you care about in the worst place possible, struggling with a broken heart?

I know that watching someone you love struggle with a break up can be heartbreaking but I also know that you want to help them get through it and out the other side.

So, how can you help someone who is really hurting after a break up in a way that you know will help them, that won’t hold them back from healing, that will help them find the love that they seek?

Let me share.

#1 – Let them know that you are there for them.

I know that you are probably thinking that your person knows that you are there for them.

I am guessing that a big part of your life right now is spent processing the break up. Late night talks, lots of wine and ice cream, binge watching trash TV, harshing on the new ex.

And those things are great but make sure that your person knows that they can count on you, 100%.

Heartbreak often lasts longer than a friend’s attention span. Of course, we are sad for our person and we know that their heartbreak is real but sometimes the recovery can go on and on and on.

And our lives must go on.

And that is when it’s important that someone who is hurting after a break up knows that you are there. You might not still be regularly processing what happened but make sure that you let them know that you see their pain and that you love them unconditionally and, even if you aren’t able to process it 24/7, that you understand that they must grieve a bit longer.

And that you see them and you support them.

So, make sure that your person knows that you are there for them, right now during the processing phase, and down the road, if need be.

#2 -Don’t try to fix them.

I know that the inclination to fix your friend is huge. I mean, you want to do whatever you can to ease their pain.

Unfortunately, trying to fix someone who isn’t ready to be fixed will only be counterproductive. Not only will they not be fixed but they might even get worse!

What do I mean by fix them?

By telling them that they need to snap out of it. By setting them up with other people. By not supporting them in the ups and downs about the feelings of their ex and their relationship.

By telling them how you would be thinking about this break up or what you would be doing differently or how you are frustrated that they aren’t listening to your advice.

No one wants to be fixed. For many of us, feeling like we need to be fixed only makes the way that we are feeling worse.

What we need, instead of fixing, is to be seen and heard. To know that our person is there for them, that they truly understand that they are struggling and why. That their person will listen and empathize and occasionally rant with us.

Not that our person thinks that we should be doing things a certain way on a certain timeline.

So, even though you can see clearly your loves one’s pathway back to happiness, know that it is their journey and that you are just along for the ride.

#3 – Get them out of the house.

A key way to help someone who is hurting after a break up is by getting them out of the house.

When we have a broken heart, we want to isolate. We want to curl up in a ball on our couch, cry, eat ice cream and listen to sad songs.

What we don’t want to do is anything that involves taking a shower and putting on shoes.

While I don’t want you to fix your friend, I do want you to encourage them to get up off the couch and get outside.

To go for a walk or to the movies or to eat ice cream in the park instead of on the couch.

To breath fresh air and to experience nature and to recognize that there is a big wide world out there, one that will be there as we go on this journey.

To remember that there is life outside of our four walls, life that just might bring us happiness down the road.

Are you perhaps trying to do this but failing? If yes, I would encourage you to make it like this is something that YOU need. That you need a walk or ice cream or a rom-com and that you really want them to share it with you.

Hopefully, your loved one will want to do something for you, especially if you have been supporting them as they go through this.

Remember Fresh air + sunshine + ice cream = hope!

#4 – Don’t invite them to couple things.

I know that I previously told you that it is important that you get your loved one out of the house but I would enourage you NOT to get them out of the house by inviting them to couples things.

I would not encourage you to invite them for dinner with your partner. Or to a dinner party where they will be the only single person. Or to a night out with people who are in all in solid relationships.

I know you are hoping that by seeing happy couples you might inspire your friend to get past the break up but, for now, they don’t need to see other people happy.

They don’t need to be reminded of what being in a couple looks like.

They don’t need to miss the relationship that they had with their ex.

They don’t need to see couples who seem like they are made for each other and have no issues.

They don’t need to despair that they will never love or be loved again.

For now, I would encourage you to track down all of your single friends and head out for a night on the town, or whatever.

There is nothing like shared experience to help people heal. To spend time with others who are single, who are still seeking love and who have healed from broken hearts themselves, is the best medicine for someone with a broken heart.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#5 – Hold them accountable for stalking.

This is a tough one because it is much like fixing but this is an important part of supporting someone who is really hurting after a break up.

The instinct to stalk an ex is a big one. I am not saying that we want to track them down and boil their bunny but what we do want to do is to keep tabs on them, to see what their lives are like, to see if they are happy.

Unfortunately, there are so many ways to do that these days. There is, of course, social media which, I believe, is the worst thing in existence for someone who is struggling with a broken heart.

In the old days, we used to have to get off the couch to see what our exes were up to but now we can just pick up our phones and see what they are doing.

Are they happy? Having new adventures? Missing you? Have they found someone new? Have they forgotten you completely?

And, usually no matter what we see, we feel bad after looking.

So, if there one thing that I would encourage you to do is to encourage your friend to not stalk their ex.

Don’t drive them past their exes house. Unfriend and unfollow them yourself. Don’t ask mutual friends for information to share with your loved one.

Do whatever you can do to keep your loved one away from any sort of information about their ex.

By doing so you will help them get past their ex quicker. Why? Because every time they have contact with their ex, even if it’s just a picture, they are back to square one with their healing.

All that processing that you have already done will be for naught.

So, do what you can to encourage your loved one from stalking their ex. If you do, you just might find that the heartbreak passes quicker and you will have more time on your hands to have fun!

Knowing how to help someone who is really hurting after a break up is not always an easy thing.

The mental anguish that comes from heartbreak can be devastating to watch and it can leave us feeling overwhelmed about what to do.

But you can do this you can help your friend get through this. A broken heart is never fatal and we have all survived them.

Your friend will too, with you there supporting them but not trying to fix them, by getting them out of the couch, by not forcing them to spend time with couples and by keeping them away from their ex at all costs.

They, and you, will get through this and you will be able to return to the life and laughter you had before.

I promise!

 

 

 

Feeling Depressed After the Holidays? 5 Reasons Why and How to Fix It

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For so many of us, feeling depressed after the holidays is a regular thing.

And it’s not a good thing.

I have clients who don’t even enjoy the holidays because they know they will just be depressed when they are over.

Understanding why you might be feeling depressed after the holidays just might help you manage it so that you don’t spend the next year in a funk!

Here are 5 reasons that you might be feeling depressed after the holidays and what to do to help yourself feel better!

#1 – New Year’s resolution pressure.

Setting new year’s resolution is something that many of us do every year.

The idea of a new year, a new you, is very compelling and we set these lofty resolutions with sincere intent.

And then, a few days/weeks/months in, we let those resolutions go, either because of apathy, lack of time or how hard the resolution is to keep. And what does dropping our resolutions do? It makes us depressed.

Letting ourselves down is one of major causes of situational depression. We feel like a loser that we can’t keep a promise to ourselves, or to others, and that self-judgement can put us into a very dark place.

But, there are ways for you to keep those resolutions (or at least some of them) to help you feel better about yourself and let go of the depression.

How many resolutions did you set? Did you decide that you were going to quit drinking, go vegetarian, get to the gym and sleep more?

Or perhaps did you just decide to be healthier.

Those goals are great, truly! But they really aren’t achievable. Why, because you have bitten off more than you can chew.

No one, and I mean, no one, could successfully quit drinking, go vegetarian, go to the gym and sleep more in one fell swoop. It’s just too much change too quickly, especially with things that might be very challenging.

As to deciding to be healthier, what exactly does that mean and how would you accomplish it if you didn’t have a concrete plan?

What I do, and what I encourage my clients to do, is to choose ONE thing to start with. That one thing can’t be get healthier but it could mean to quit drinking for a month. OR to eat less red meat. OR to commit to the gym 3 days a week. OR to put your phone away at 11pm so that you will sleep.

Anyone can do one of those things, if they set their mind to it.

Have you bitten off more than you can chew with your new year’s resolution. If yes, try paring it down a bit so that it is in manageable chunks. If you can do this, if you can keep your new Year resolution, you might find that you are no longer feeling depressed after the holidays.

#2 – The darkness.

One of the things that always amazes me in January is how dark it is.

Of course, it is the time of year where the days are shorter, it gets dark late (5:00pm where I am) and temperatures are often much lower than we would like them to be.

And just this alone, particularly the absence of sunlight, can make someone depressed.

BUT, what I also notice in January is the complete absence of Christmas lights. For me, this is beyond bleak.

Christmas lights go up soon after Thanksgiving and they last, usually, through New Years. And then, poof, they are gone.

Of course, there are always a few hold outs but mostly, the colorful lights that we see outside people’s houses have been put away for the year.

For me, this is always depressing. I am not a big holiday person but I love the lights.

So, what do I do to get through these dark days of January? Two things.

The first is a get a full spectrum lamp, one which imitates the spectrum of light from the sun. These have been found to be beneficial in many ways, especially for easing the winter blues.

The second is that I keep a few Christmas lights around my house.

Every year, we put our Christmas tree outside but leave the lights on it. It is not really a Christmas tree anymore. It’s more like a beacon in the night, bringing some light into the darkness, as we wait for spring to come.

I love looking at those lights from inside the house or as I am pulling up in the driveway. A little bit of spirit during these difficult months.

#3 – The annual let down.

Be honest. Do you, every year, hope that this year will be different.

That you truly will have a holiday season like you see in the movies.

Where you will celebrate with family and friends (with no arguments about politics). Where you will get all the gifts that you wanted. Where you will bake cookies for your neighbors and appreciate the joy in the season.

And are you let down again, just like last year?

This can be a big reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays. The big hopes that you had for the perfect holiday season have been dashed with no hope to try again for almost a year.

I get it. But remember, there are many things that let us down every year, no matter how hard we try. We plan that perfect trip, but lose our luggage. The project that we worked on didn’t turn out the way we wanted. We wanted that new Volkswagen but had to settle on a used one instead.

And, do we get through those let downs every time? Do they bog us down for a bit but then do we let them go and move onto the next thing?  YES!

The same will happen with the holiday let down. It might feel acute right now but I can promise you that it will be gone by Valentine’s Day, at the very latest!

#4 – The state of your relationship?

Did you know that January is the number one month when people file for divorce?

Why? Because, they think that they just can’t get through one more holiday with the person they are with.

Holidays can bring out the worst in people and they can make an already stressful time more stressful.

Whether it’s conflict around traditions, disagreements about the amount of money that will be spent on gifts, the crazy schedule of holiday events or the time spent with extended family, the holidays can add a lot of pressure to a relationship that might already be struggling.

Also, over the holidays we often have to spend a lot more time with our partners and, if that relationship is already stressed, more time together might just exacerbate problems or allow us to see them more clearly.

So, what is the state of your relationship? Might your depression be the result of feeling helpless around it? Might it be because you are sad that you did fight so much? Was spending time wonderful or like pulling your fingernails out?

Whether it’s good or bad, the state of your relationship might be one of reasons you might be feeling depressed after the holidays.

#5 – The 4th of July.

The nice thing about the fall is that we have lots of fun holidays.

We have Labor Day which is a celebration of the end of the summer, one involving family and feasting.

We have Halloween with all its pumpkins and candy.

We have Thanksgiving and then we have Christmas and then we have New Years.

The mundanity of our everyday lives is broken by fun things all through the fall. That doesn’t happen so much after New Years. What we have is a loooong stretch to another holiday 4th of July. And a loooong stretch until summer officially begins.

Sure, we have a few Presidents Day and MLK day and perhaps a springtime vacation but really, what we have for six long months is the day in day out routine.

And that, the anticipation and the living in it, can be one reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays.

I make a huge effort every year to make a plan to do things to break the routine that is winter.

I try to travel to New York City to see my kids once a month. I make movie dates with my friends. I try to have a special night out with my boyfriend. I make an effort to be spontaneous when I can be.

Are there things that you could do to break up the mundane over these next few months? I am guessing there are. So, make a plan to do those things. Get yourself out of the routine before you get stuck there.

Sometimes just having something to look forward to is enough to break the cycle of depression that can come after the holidays.

So, there you go 5 reasons why you might be feeling depressed over the holidays.

I do want to say that while all of the reasons that I have listed above might be contributing towards your depression, know that there might be more to it than that.

If you find that you are having a hard time pulling yourself out of your depression or if it’s getting worse, I would encourage you to reach out to your primary care doctor.

If you find yourself isolating or having no desire to do things that you usually like to do, reach out to your doctor. Your depression could be more than just the post-holiday blues!

 

5 Small Things We Do That Sabotage Our Lives and Relationships

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Nobody really wants to know the small things that we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

Why? Because it’s way easier to ignore them and watch Netflix, hoping that things will just fix themselves.

Unfortunately, it just doesn’t work that way.

If we want to live our best life, full of love and joy and contentment, it is very important that we do things that help us in that goal, not sabotage us.

That way, if we know where are opportunities are for growth, we can look at them and make a plan to fix them.

To that end, here are 5 small things we do that sabotage our lives and our relationships, so that you can understand the things that you might do so you can bring about change.

#1 – We judge ourselves.

So, be honest. How much time do you spend beating yourself up for all of your shortcomings?

How often do you look in the mirror and hate what you see? How often do you think of yourself as a loser because you can’t seem to get anything done?

How often do you think that your friends don’t really like you? How often do you blame yourself for everything that goes wrong in your life?

I am guessing the answers to many of those questions, and to many more, are yes and that you judge yourself for it every day.

For years I tried to find a career that suited me. I tried to go back to school to be a nutrition coach. I sold real estate. I worked front desk at a hotel. I tried my hand at baking and started a small business selling frozen chocolate chip cookie dough.

What came of any of them? Nothing. Each one I started and never finished.

And did that make me feel good about myself? Um, nope.

Instead, I judged myself. I had always believed that if I was a smarter, more determined person I would be able to do whatever I wanted to do but, with each time that I let myself down, I believed that less and less.

And that self judgment led to me spending a lot of time on the couch, watching soap operas, waiting for my kids to come home. Ugh.

#2 – We play the victim.

The flip side of judging ourselves is playing the victim, is believing that everything that is happening in our lives is someone else’s fault.

I know that when ex-husband left me for another woman I was devastated. It left me depressed and alone and I blamed all of it on my ex-husband and his new wife.

I believed that if he had done what he always said he would do, namely not leave me, we would still be together. I believed that if she had respect for women, she would respect me and my family. I believed that if we only hadn’t had to move for his job, we would still be together.

What I didn’t do was take an accounting of my role in the divorce.

I hadn’t been a great wife in later years. I had been depressed and focused on the kids. I was always either criticizing him or ignoring him. I rarely touched him and we never had sex.

But I did not think of any of those things. I just sat around, wallowing in my victimhood, not moving forward in any good way.

It was once I stopped blaming them that I started to heal. It was once that I took accountability for my role in the demise of our relationship and I was able to start learning how I could do things differently that I started to be able to move forward with my life, to find a new relationship and start a new business.

Playing the victim is one of those small things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships. If we could work harder at accepting that we have some responsibility in our lives, without judging ourselves for being less than if we have made a mistake, then we will have the opportunity to move forward towards the life, and the love, that we want.

#3 – We live in the past.

Again, be honest. How much time have you spent today thinking about the past. Playing those negative tapes over and over, bringing yourself down in the process.

You know those negative tapes the ones where you replay everything bad that you have ever said in your whole life, where you think about that boy in high school who you didn’t kiss and he told the whole school that he got to second base, when you told your friend that she looked fat or made that mistake at work that caused the company a contract.

You know what I mean, all the things, little and big, that you did once that make you feel squeamish.

All the things that just remind you more about what a loser you are and will always be.

Living in the past is the number one thing that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships. Focusing on the regrets that we have and not looking towards to future at what we can do differently.

And why is always looking to the past something that can hold us back? Because it is the past and you can’t change the past.

Furthermore, by focusing on things that we did in the past and wish that we could do differently, we are wasting time creating a story in our heads that may or may not be true.

I know that I wish I had gone on that date with Shawn on Friday, July 2, 1999 because I know that, if I had, we would have gotten married and had kids and been rich and we would have lived happily ever after.

And maybe that would have been the case. Or maybe we would have gone on that date and been robbed on the way home. Or maybe we wouldn’t have been able to have kids. Or maybe I would get sick and die young and he would fall into a deep depression.

Do you see what I mean? We focus on all of the regrets that we have, thinking that, if we had chosen things differently, we would have been happier but, in fact, we have no idea what our lives would have looked like if we had done things in another way.

What we can control is the present and the future. We can learn from our regrets and do things differently this time around. Instead of looking to the past, we can look to the future, with a plan, determine to live the life that we want.

#4 – We kill time on social media.

If I was in charge of the world, social media wouldn’t exist.

I know, it is a great thing for so many reasons.

We can stay connected to our friends, buy things we need, expose ourselves to thoughts different from our own, learn the definition of finifugal,” and when will we have the best beach weather.

But it is also so horrible for so many reasons. It gives us FOMO, it forces us to compare our lives to other people and makes us feel less than. It tells us to buy things we don’t need. It leads us to places that its algorithm wants us to go.

AND, it’s all a HUGE waste of time. HUGE.

I believe that wasting time on social media is one of the worst things we do that sabotages our life and relationships.

Not only do we lie on our beds, or on our coaches, for hours, not getting up and walking around or interacting with other people or applying for that job or calling our moms, but we are also being bombarded 24/7 with the idea that we need more, we are less than, that the world is falling apart, that being old is bad and we should just curl up in a closet and die.

I truly can’t think of one thing that sabotages our lives more than social media. And I know that it’s not going anywhere but I am hoping that someday we all realize the effect it is having on our lives and take steps to change that.

#5 – We live with toxicity.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you aren’t so satisfied with the state of your life.

That you wish that you could be happier, that you could accomplish more, that you could find the love and happiness that you want.

And good for you we all want that.

Let me ask you, is there someone in your life, perhaps sitting next to you on the couch, who is bringing toxicity into your life?

Someone who cuts you down for who you are and the choices you make. Someone who says they love you but then treats you with contempt and disdain. Someone who is keeping you from living the life that you want. Someone who you wish would just love you like you love them.

And, do you know, deep down, that these things are not okay, but are you not able to walk away?

Living with toxicity is one of those things we do that sabotage our lives and relationships.

When we are constantly exposed to a toxic person, much like a toxic chemical, we get sick. We lose confidence, we alienate ourselves from others, we take abuse that makes us question what love is, we get depressed and anxious and paralyzed.

It is so important that, if we want the life and the relationships that we dream about, we let go of the toxicity in our lives.

Maybe it is a lover, a friend, a parent, a sibling, a work colleague or just that barista who is so rude every day.

Whoever it is, if someone is poisoning your wellbeing with their toxicity, it’s time for them to go.

So, there you go 5 small things that we do every day that sabotages our lives and relationships.

So often it seems like the bigger things a break up, an illness, a lay-off, a death – are things throw us off track, and sometimes they can be, but it is the little things, the thousand little cuts, that really  take us down.

It’s judging ourselves for all of the things that we can’t do, or the blaming of others for them. It’s living in the past and living with toxicity as it slowly eats us alive. It’s letting social media use up our time and our energy and our wellbeing, keeping us on the couch and not out in the world.

So how about you? Can you recognize that you are just a person in the world, doing the best that you can, and that so is the next person? Can you not look to the past but to the future and let go of the toxicity around you? Can you get a lock box for your phone, put it in there and get out for a walk with a friend?

You can do all of those things, I know you can, and get the life you want!

 

5 Things About Love That All Women Must Know to Find It

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There are a few things about love that all women must know to find it. Unfortunately, most women know nothing about them.

Have you met the person of your dreams? Is this the one? If so, are you wondering what you must know about love so that you don’t make any mistakes?

Love is so complicated. When we are young we believe that some day our prince will come and sweep us off our feet and that we will live happily ever after. It doesn’t always work out that way.

Unfortunately, people are only human. Our life experience leads us to act a certain way and often times in a way that doesn’t serve us.

This is especially the case with women in relationships. We are so programmed to love and take care of others that we often blind ourselves to the truth about a relationship.

And often we don’t notice that truth until that relationship is too far gone to salvage.

Let me share with you 5 things about love that all women must know to find it.

#1 – Sex does not equal love.

There isn’t a single woman I know who hasn’t, at some point in her life, had sex with a man because she wanted him to love her. And, almost without exception, it just doesn’t work.

Men want sex. As much sex as they can possibly get. But for many men sex does not equal love. It does not even equal like. Sex is sex.

For women, sex is different. Sex brings about an emotional connection, THE emotional connection that women crave. As a result, many women believe that if they have sex with a man not only will they be giving him what he wants but they will also establish an emotional connection with him and that he will love her because of that.

Does it work that way? Usually no.

It is important that all women not jump into bed with someone the first night they meet them. Why? Because it is essential that the person you want to be with get to know you first, to see you as a human with a brain and a heart, not just someone with a vagina who they can use and walk away from.

Once they see you as a person, as someone they care about and who they respect, if you make love with them it will most likely have the emotional connection that you seek and a relationship might become a reality.

Also, it is essential that you not have sex with someone because you feel like they have put a lot of time and money into you and therefore you owe them. You owe a man nothing. It is their choice to put time and money into you; you owe them nothing return.

Don’t have sex with someone until you are ready to have sex with them. Period.

#2 – If he is interested he will stay in touch.

How many times have we sat by our phones and waited, watching the screen for that text alert. Or turned on our phone after a movie, desperately hoping that there will be a message from the guy we like.

And how many times have we been disappointed?

How many times have we justified why our person isn’t reaching out, believing that they are busy or not within cell service?

Even worse, how many times have we told ourselves that he is confused about his feelings about us and is taking some time to step back and work things through.

Something that you must know about love is that if a guy isn’t communicating with you, he isn’t interested. Period. If he regularly goes dark on you, to reappear with excuses, then he just isn’t that into you.

Guys are hunters. It is in their nature. And if they want to communicate with you, or be with you, they will move heaven and earth to do so. And if they don’t, they won’t.

Know that, those guys who disappear and then reappear, are most likely reappearing because they are bored or horny. Sitting in front of a game or in a taxi and flipping through their phone, drunk after a night out with their buddies.

This is one of those things about love that all women must know to find it. Don’t let them fool you or suck you back in. They aren’t interested and neither should you be!

Move on!

#3 – Being needy will only drive him away.

Really the worst thing that a woman can do is be needy with a man.

We get needy, and clingy, for a variety of reasons: jealousy, insecurity, fear of the unknown, possessiveness. All of these are anxieties that must exist for a reason but if they manifest themselves with neediness and clinginess you will drive your man away.

No one likes someone who is needy and clingy. Someone who is needy or clingy only makes someone feel trapped. It definitely doesn’t make someone feel interested. Who would want to be in a relationship with someone who is so pitiful? Would you?

It is important to know who you are in a relationship. Be yourself. Be honest. Talk to him. Be secure in his feelings for you and/or recognize if he has none and move on. If you can’t be honest with him, it means that you are scared of what might happen if you do and that is not the sign of a healthy relationship.

If you get needy or clingy, your man will disappear. He may return if you can resolve your feelings and no longer be clingy but he will disappear again if it resumes. This time for good.

So, do some work on yourself. Make sure you are going into a relationship confident with yourself and knowing that you will be okay if it doesn’t work out. Not easy, I know, but possible.

#4 – You MUST love yourself first.

So many of us go into relationships like hunks of clay, waiting to be molded into whatever shape is necessary to make a relationship work. We don’t know who we are outside of a relationship and we feel that only by connecting with another person will we know who we are.

That someone will bring out the best in us, make us a better person, and that we will live happily ever after.

This is SO NOT TRUE.

It is important to know who you are in this world, especially as you go into a relationship. If you know who you are, what your beliefs and values are, what is important to you in every aspect of your life, what you can and can’t live without, then you will be the kind of person that someone falls in love with. You will exude self-confidence and you will attract someone who is attracted to that.

If, conversely, you wait until you find a guy to figure out who you are or, even worse, change yourself for a guy, then you will end up unhappy and alone. Being anything other than yourself is a lie and lies just aren’t sustainable. And a woman who is lying to herself will only attract guys who will lie to her.

So, know who you are in this world and find the guy you deserve.

#5 – You will be fine if it doesn’t work out.

This is something that many of us simply do not believe. We believe that under no circumstances will we be okay if this relationship doesn’t work out.

We are worried that we will be alone forever and that we will never love or be loved again. We believe that we are a loser and that the pain of the loss will be unbearable.

We believe that the world is a place for couples and being single just isn’t acceptable.

I am here to tell you that, as someone who spent almost four years alone, being alone is not only fine but awesome. Being alone means that you get to get up and sleep when you want, never watch any sports that you don’t want to watch, never have to clean around the base of the toilet or pick up laundry off the floor. You can travel where you want and with whom. You can spend your money as you see fit. You are in charge of your own universe.

Don’t get me wrong. I know that being with someone else is a wonderful thing. But being with someone because you don’t think you can be alone is not a wonderful thing. Being in a relationship with someone who doesn’t love, respect and cherish you is not better than being alone.

And in a relationship like that, you will feel alone anyway.

When you are with someone who doesn’t love, cherish and respect you then your life will be full of angst, the moment to moment ups and downs of being at the mercy of someone else’s whims causing you pain every day.

Wouldn’t it just be better to be alone, watching White Lotus and having a glass of wine?

There are so many things about love that all women must know to find it.

Know that sex doesn’t equal love, that you must always be yourself in a relationship, that if he isn’t in touch he doesn’t want you and that you will love and be loved again if it doesn’t work out!

One of the things that you must know about love is that never too late to find it. Be who you are, do things because you want to do them, don’t compromise your self-worth, don’t let yourself be lied to. Be the strong woman you know that you are and attract the love that you deserve.

You can do it. I know you can.

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