5 Reasons You Are Feeling Unstable After Your Husband Walked Out

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If you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out on you, know that you are not alone! Having someone you love leave you suddenly would rock even the strongest woman’s world.

The end of any relationship is horrible, especially a marriage where finances and children are often involved. And, when a husband walks out, the woman is usually left in the house, with the kids, trying to figure out how to keep life normal while she and her husband figure out next steps.

And, because you have never done this before, you might find yourself paralyzed, lacking balance and scared shitless.

Understanding why you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out is the best way to figure out how to manage it so you can be clear headed as you move forward, whether you stay married or not!

#1 – You are in shock.

I remember when my ex-husband told me he was leaving me. It happened out of the blue and it hit me hard. We were driving across country and he told me on hour one what his plan was. We had two more days alone in that car, not really talking about anything. I was almost emotionless the whole time. It was weird. And horrible

Once we got back home, I found myself doing wonky things. I sent my husband’s new girlfriend a letter asking her to give us space to figure out our marriage. Not well received. I drove my dogs to the dog park and hit a deer and kept on going. I found myself curled up in a ball when my cat and dog got into a tiff.

I believe that, after the adrenaline of the announcement had worn off, I went into shock. Much like after an accident or an injury, my husbands announcement caused my brain was flooded with chemicals that kept me at high alert for survival. Once those chemicals word off, I was left in neurogenic shock, shock caused by extreme emotional disturbance, shock that is often characterized by disorientation and disassociation.

So, if you are finding yourself unstable after your husband walked it, it just might be because you are in shock.

The good news is shock usually wears off on its own. So give yourself some time. Take care of yourself, get some sleep, have a glass of wine with friends. Anything that will help calm your nervous system and help you to be less unstable.

#2 – You have never done this before.

For those of us who have been through a divorce, we know exactly what it’s all about. But I am guessing that one of the reasons that you are feeling stable after your husband walked out is because you have never done this before. How the heck does one dissolve a marriage and move on?

When we are confronted with a problem, we most likely have encountered, if not the same problem, something like it before, and we have some framework to work with to solve it. Not so with divorce. Perhaps you have seen friends or family go through it but you have never been through it yourself.

And, as a result, having NO IDEA what do might have left you paralyzed and unstable.

I was very lucky. Soon after my husband walked out I met a woman who had been through the divorce process 5 years earlier. Her divorce had been horrible and yet she had made it through and found the love of her life.

This wonderful woman became my mentor and, without her wisdom, experience and guidance, I never would have made it through my divorce as successfully as I did.

So, know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it’s very likely because you have a process ahead of you that you have no idea how to navigate. It is no wonder you want to curl up in bed for the next month or two.

#3 – Your future is hazy.

Yesterday I am guessing that your future was pretty clear. Maybe your marriage was struggling to some degree but you were sure that you would be able to work it out. You had the home that you shared, the kids that you cared for together, finances that were intertwined and, maybe, healthy. You had built a life together and you could see the future together pretty clearly.

And now, today, all of that is gone. And what is left? The vast unknown future. And there is nothing scarier than a future that is uncertain!

I know that when my husband left, I was petrified. Our kids were off at college so I didn’t have to deal with their daily lives but there was still lots of things to manage. And, while he was the one who left, my ex wasn’t much of a planner so figuring out next steps was on me!

So what did I do? I sat down and made a list of everything that I was going to have to deal with finances, housing, kid’s schedules, lawyers, mediators, extended family, social plans etc. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to figure everything out right away but once I had it all down on paper I was able to start thinking things through.

Here is an article that might be helpful for you if you are wanting to plan next steps.

And, to be honest, focusing on details really helped me become more stable. Yes, I was devastated that my marriage was most likely over but taking charge and being the one driving outcomes, instead of being curled up in a ball in my bed, helped me feel stronger and steadier pretty quickly.

#4 – You are feeling alone.

I am guessing that for the past how every many years, you and your husband have slept together in the same bed. You have your breakfast routines, lunch time check ins, evening cocktails, bed time habits etc. And now, out of nowhere, even if your kids are still at home, you are doing all of those things alone.

It is very interesting how many people, even if they hated doing these things with their spouses, and they usually involved lots of sarcasm and bickering, say that this is the first thing that really hits them hard they are now doing all of those things alone.

And for many women, being alone is a very uncomfortable place.

One of my closest friends had never been alone, without a partner, her entire adult life. She was the one who wanted the divorce very wise of her but she found out that, with her husband gone, there was big empty space in the house. She wondered if she every would get used to it!

But it didn’t take long for her to come to savor that empty space. A fair amount of it got eaten up by pets and kids and her work but, before long, she relished crawling into bed, in the flannel sheets that she bought because her ex hated them, and knowing that she was going to sleep well without snoring.

So know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it might very well be because you are feeling alone. And that is ok. And you will get used to it. I promise!

#5 – You are worried about your kids.

If you are a mother and your husband has just walked out I am sure that a HUGE part of why you are feeling so unstable is because you are worried about your kids.

For as long as your kids have been alive it has been your job to keep them healthy and happy. You teach them how to walk and talk and laugh and cry. To trust and believe and have hope. To know that they are loved unconditionally and that you will keep them safe.

Your husband walking out might have a very big effect on all of the work that you have done over the years to keep your family feeling that way.

I know that I fought harder for my marriage because I wanted my kids to have a mother and a father in the house. I was the child of divorce and both of my parents set a very bad example for us around their marriage and divorce and I didn’t want that for my kids. I wanted to do things differently so they wouldn’t have to struggle in romantic relationships like I had to.

My husband walking out put all that I had worked for in jeopardy.

It was a rough few years for my kids. I won’t lie about that. There was a lot of anger and animosity between their parents and they had to deal with a lot of tears and loss. But, ultimately, it was the absolute best thing that could have happened to them, to all of us.

Instead of being in a house full animosity between their parents, my kids came home to a parent who was happy. They got to know their father better because their mother wasn’t around to do everything for them. They got to see their father get into a relationship where he was happy and for their mother to find herself again, build a business and ultimately find a man who loved her completely.

And, unlike my parents, who lied to us for years about the end of their marriage, I talked to my kids about everything that was happening. I tried to be as honest as possible. I let them know that I would always be there for them. If they had any questions, I would always respond in an open way, one that inspired discussion. I do think that doing this differently than my parents did it will help my children to have better adult relationships than me and my siblings did.

Again, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, know that you are not alone.

Right now, there are thousands of women all over the country who are experiencing what you are experiencing and I am guessing that they are feeling like their worlds have been completely rocked as well.

I can promise you that you are going to be ok. Right now you are in shock, the future is hazy and you have no idea how you are going to navigate getting there. You are feeling very alone and you are scared for your children. I totally get it.

But someday, sooner than later I am sure, you will find yourself in a better place. You don’t know what the future holds. Maybe you will resolve things with your husband and that will be a good thing.  (Don’t resolve it and have it be a bad thing. That is a huge waste of time.)

Or perhaps you will be like me, happy, successful, an example for my children of living a good life and being a good person.

I know it is hard to believe right now but, take it from me, and the thousand others like me who have been where you are right now, and believe!

5 Reasons You Should NEVER Give Up On Dating

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I know the idea that you should never give up on dating might seem exhausting to you.

So many of my clients, when they are going through a break up, tell me that they will never date again, that it is not worth the pain.

And I get it. The pain of a break up is intense. And dating is exhausting. And the whole thing just seems hopeless some days.

But I am here to tell you that you should NEVER give up on dating because, in the end, it will be worth it!

And here are 5 reasons why to inspire you to keep up the good fight and get the love that you want.

#1 – Would you give up on something else you really wanted?

When you want something, do you usually go for it?

If you see a piece of jewelry you love, do you save up for it? If you see a job listing that you want, do you update your killer resume and go for it? When you wanted to get your driver’s license more than anything, did you keep on taking the test, even after failing more than once?

Of course, you did. When you see something that you want, you go for it, no matter what the obstacles!

So, why would you give up on dating if love is what you want more than anything? I mean, how else are you going to find the love you seek?

I have a client who has wanted to be in a relationship for a long time. We have worked hard to get her out there; she was on the apps, went to meet ups, bugged friends for introductions. But, unfortunately, while she met some great guys, nothing stuck.

So, about 3 years ago, she gave up dating. She said that it just wasn’t worth it and that she was just going to be alone. And, guess what? She is still alone.

My client is not unhappy. She has chosen not to date and accepts that she most likely won’t find love, as a result. But she lives life to its fullest and she is content. And you can do that too.

Or, if love is what you seek, you can keep on dating, holding onto hope that you will find your person.

#2 – Every date is a new opportunity.

6 years ago, I met a guy on Match. He had lovely blue eyes and we clicked right away but we realized pretty quickly that we would be better off as friends.

This man has become one of my best friends. I would stay with him when I travelled to Vermont from New York City, we would go see disaster movies together and we helped each other through more than one horrid relationship.

I never would have met this man if not for Match and I am forever grateful, not only because he is one of my best friends but because, 3 years later, he introduced me to the love of my life who I am now living happily ever after with.

The point of my story is this Every single date that you go on is an opportunity to meet someone new, and with every new encounter, you open up your world just a little bit.

As with my friend, a date gave me a best friend. A client met someone who connected her with an amazing job. Another gained a whole new friend group in a city she had just moved to. One learned how to ski, something that she had never been brave enough to do on her own.

So, never give up on dating. Like me and my clients, even if you don’t have a romantic match with someone, they could be the person who opens up your world in a new way.

#3 – Dating is a numbers game.

I wish I didn’t have to include this one but it’s true. Dating really is a numbers game.

What do I mean by that? Dating is, like many things, something that one must do a lot of in order to succeed. You must meet as many men/women as you can to find the one who is for you. That needle in the haystack.

I know you are thinking that you DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. The idea of many dates is incredibly unappealing and you just want to sink into your couch.

But don’t. I probably went on 30 dates and had 6 8-week relationships between my divorce and when I met my boyfriend. Most of those dates were fun but I did not get anywhere. (Some of them not so much  like the guy who climbed up on a rock to kiss me, although still declaring that he was 6″ tall). And there were definitely times that I chose to stay home instead of going on a date that seemed like it had no promise but, more often than not, I put myself out there, hopeful. And I met a lot of great guys along the way, and had my fair share of great sex as well!

So, take a deep breath and up your dating game. Go on as many dates as you can without going insane.  At the very least, you might get an interesting few hours out of it and a story to tell your friends!

#4 – You want to keep the energy out there.

I have a lot of clients who want to meet the love of their life but they just can’t seem to make a concerted effort to do the work to find that person.

They list themselves on all the apps and then sit back and wait for people to find them. They stay home watching TV. They play hard to get with someone who expresses interest. And, guess what happens – they get nowhere.

Like difficult things that can be hard to acquire, love requires effort and attitude acknowleging that this is what you want and putting your energy into finding it.

Furthermore, if you carry with you the belief that you are never going to find your person, you won’t. Negativity doesn’t get you what you want, positivity does.

#5 – Because you want to find love.

Well, duh this is the most obvious reason to never give up on dating the fact that you want, more than anything, to find love. And giving up on dating will definitely put a damper on those dreams.

Sit here for a moment and feel what it would feel like if you never found the love you seek. If you were okay being alone but you felt the huge absence in your life of someone to share it with. If you didn’t get the wedding or the baby or whatever it is that you dream about when you think of love.

I am guessing it would feel pretty yucky, no?

So, if there is one reason to NEVER give up on dating, this is it!

If love is what you seek, do everything that you can to find it. And, whether we like it or not, dating is a part of the actions we must take to get the love we want.

So, there are 5 reasons why you should never stop dating. Good for you for reading this far about a topic that you would probably rather ignore.

I dated for a long time and it did get exhausting but I did figure out some things to do to make dating a little bit easier.

I learned to take each date individually, to recognize that it would be an opportunity for me to either meet someone new who I would never see again but who was entertaining (mostly) for a few hours or to meet someone who might be a friend or to meet someone I would have a short, but sweet (and sexy) relationship with.

Of course, I was often disappointed but I made the best of it and kept at it, believing that one day, my number would come up and I would find my guy.

And it did! And yours can too!

 

5 Encouraging Signs that You are Getting Over Your Ex

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I know that break ups are horrible and that the recovery period seems endless but keep a look out for signs that you are getting over your ex, finally, and that you will be able to move on!

When you are deep into the pain of the mourning period, it is hard to feel hopeful that you will ever get past this. As a result, we often miss the signs that we are getting better and this can hold us back from moving forward.

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is a key to moving forward and finding the love that you seek!

#1 – You are feeling hopeful.

Remember when you first broke up? When the world seemed like a horrible place and when you had no hope that anything would ever be ok again?

Are you still feeling this way or are there perhaps little glimmers of hope that the future holds some possibilities and that you will be ok?

When we have lived with feelings of hopelessness for a long time, it’s hard to notice when those little moments appear. We either don’t see them or ignore them, not believing what they signify.

Well, I can tell you that those little moments of hopefulness should not be ignored because they are definitely a sign that you are getting over your ex!

What kind of little signs am I talking about? A feeling of excitement (no matter how small) about some plans you have made with friends. A promotion at work. The muscle that you are building at the gym. That you can look at other men/women and not be completely disgusted.

You will get over your break up, that I can promise you. Noticing little moments of hope are a sign that you are well on your way to doing so.

#2 – You no longer stalk them on social media.

Be honest. When you first broke up with your person, did you spend an inordinate amount of time stalking them on social media?

Did you check their Insta-stories and their TikTok likes regularly throughout the day? Did you try to piece together what their lives looked like without you? Did you look for signs that they weren’t happy after the break up?

Unfortunately, many people stalk their exes on social media. In the old days, a break up was a break up. Keeping tabs on your ex was something that required a lot of energy, something that you don’t need today. Access to your ex is right there at your fingertips!

So, ask yourself – are you spending less time than you used to looking at them on social media? Do you find yourself drawn to things that used to interest you, like cute puppy videos?

If the answer to this question is yes, that you don’t have as much interest in what they are doing and who they are doing it with, then it is definitely an encouraging sign that you are getting over your ex and that you are moving forward.

#3 – You have clarity about what happened.

When we first go through a break up we are so confused about what happened. We often blame ourselves or look outside the relationship to see what might have led to the break up.

This confusion can lead to us reading books about break ups, seeing a therapist to discover what is wrong with us, going down the internet rabbit hole about why break ups occur and what to do to get your ex back.

I know that, when my ex left me, I was devastated. I blamed it on the girl he left me for and I hated her. And him. I spent days and months trying to figure out what had happened, blaming myself for everything.

What I learned, over time and with some help, was that the break up happened for a number of reasons.

We had been unhappy for a long time and finding our way back to each other seemed like a lot of work. I didn’t drink and he did and that got in the way of us communicating with each other. He was very social and I was more of a homebody. Mostly, the reason we were still together was purely financial. And that woman he fell in love with was ultimately the right girl for him.

This process of acceptance wasn’t easy. I had to work hard at it and, after a 20 year relationship, it took some time. But I did get there. I knew that it wasn’t all my fault that relationship issues always involve two people. That staying together for the wrong reasons wasn’t good. That our different social interests got in the way of us being happy.

No longer blaming myself and living with anger at him allowed me to move forward to find the life and the love that I desired!

#4 – You don’t talk about the break up all the time.

I don’t know why but, when we go through a break up, processing and reprocessing it is so important to us! Something about hashing and rehashing things with our friends is the best therapy.

And it is good therapy to talk about what happened. We often have so many questions that we have unanswered, so many emotions that we can’t control. And talking about those things instead of running them around and around in our head is very cathartic.

So, one of the encouraging signs that you are getting over your ex is that you no longer feel the need to process the break up with your friends/coworkers/therapist. That you have found peace with what happened and that you no longer need to talk about it.

Have you noticed that you do spend less time talking to people about what happened? Perhaps you still have some thoughts in your head but they aren’t as destructive and you don’t feel like you need to share them to manage them? Or perhaps you have moved on completely and talking about them is boring.

There are far better things to talk about then some loser who let fabulous you go!

#5 – You are looking around.

When we first break up, we have no interest in getting involved with someone else.

Of course, the inclination to go hook up with someone might be there, as a bandaid, but the idea of getting into a relationship is unappealing! So we keep our head down and deal with the break up.

Have you recently found that you have picked your head up again and looking around? Does the sight of potential suitors not disgust you like it might have in the past? Are you poking around on Hinge, wondering who is out there?

It’s hard to get back on the dating wagon after a bad break up but considering doing so is a very hopeful sign and it is an excellent step towards moving on and finding the love that you seek!

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is very important as far as moving forward with your life.

Many of us don’t notice these signs and, as a result, stay mired in the pain of the break up, having gotten used to like an old comfy sweater.

But it’s important to recognize when it is time to move on. Are you feeling somewhat hopeful about the future? Do you find that you don’t need to know about them, to think or talk about them? Have you made peace with what happened, and are you ready to move on?

If you answer yes to any or all of these questions, you are getting past the mourning phase of your breakup and ready to move forward to get the life and the love that you seek!

Good luck! You can do this!

 

 

5 Things to Choose if You Just Want to be Happy

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Do you wake up in the morning, feeling down because you just want to be happy but most days you just aren’t?

Do you wish you were like other people the ones who are always happy, nothing gets them down? They are successful, have good friends, exude confidence and are just fun to be with.

Would you like more than anything to be even one of those things but find that you struggle to get there?

Everybody wants to be happy. It seems pretty simple doesn’t it? And it can be if you know how to reach out to get it. To choose the right things that put happiness within reach for you, and for everyone.

So, what can you choose if you just want to be happy?

#1 – Choose truth.

You know those decisions that make your stomach hurt. The ones that you make because your brain tells you it’s the right thing to do, not because it is what you really want.

Yes. Those decisions. You probably made one today.

Those decisions are not based on your truth. They are based on some truth outside of yourself, some truth that is based on what everyone else says is “right.” These decisions are not good for you and your body is telling you so.

Making decisions based on what you really want, what will truly be good for you, are decisions based on your truth. These kind of decisions feel good in your body. These decisions allow you to sleep at night.

I recently sent a letter full of what I thought was constructive criticism to an organization I have been aligned with. I sent it not because I wanted to but because of pressure around me to do so. And that letter has wreaked havoc.

I don’t regret sending the letter but I know that doing so has been very hard on me; it has actually sabotaged my happiness these last few weeks. I know that, if I hadn’t sent it, I would have been happier, even though I know that my thoughts might be helpful.

Decisions not based on our truth can actually make us sick and definitely interfere with our happiness.

How do we stop making these unhealthy choices? We listen to our bodies.

Next time, when presented with a decision that needs to be made, pause and check how the potential decision makes your body feel. Our bodies will only tell us the truth. If the decision makes you feel slightly nauseous then it’s probably not a good one. If it makes your head hurt, the same. If it makes your heart leap, then that’s it. That’s the healthy decision.

Listen to your body. Unlike your brain, it will never lie to you!

# 2 – Choose love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.

And, ideally everyone, would share their life with that ONE person. The one you curl up with at night and eat cereal with in the morning. The one whose hand you hold on the subway and with whom you binge watch Ted Lasso at night. You know the person. The one who makes your heart sing.

If you have a person, don’t let them go. And if you haven’t yet found one, believe that you will.

Even if you don’t have that person right now, know that you have other people in your life who love you: your sister, your best friend, your neighbor. While these people might not be a romantic partner, they are people who you truly love and who truly love you in return.

This kind of love is unconditional and the kind of love that leads to true happiness.

Make sure that you have contact with someone who loves you every day. In person, on the phone or via text (last choice).

And don’t forget to love yourself. You are awesome. Tell yourself as often as you can. Because you are.

#3 – Choose yourself.

You know how you choose to make everyone else happy first?

You go to that raunchy movie with your kids instead of that historical drama you want to see. Or you visit your mother in law with your husband instead of working in the garden? We all do it. And it undermines our happiness.

Sometimes we do have to put someone else’s needs above our own but, really, it’s important to put ourselves first more often than not. Nobody else is going to take care of us and it’s important that we do so.

I spend much of my day caring for other people, and I love doing so. But it can leave me depleted and, sometimes, unhappy. To counteract the effects of giving all day, I make sure that I do something every day that replenishes me.

I take a walk or a watch an episode (or two) of a trashy TV show. I get a massage or grab lunch with a friend. All of these things recharge my batteries and keep me from falling into a place of unhappiness that I might struggle to pull myself out of!

Finally, if you always put yourself last, you will come to believe that you deserve to be last. By choosing yourself, you are showing yourself that you deserve to be cared for and that will not only make you happier but draw other people to you. Happiness is contagious and what you want to put out into the world, I am guessing.

#4 – Choose kindness.

Did you know being kind to someone else is one of the best ways to feel happy? It’s one of those things that many unhappy people are not aware of because they have never tried it. I wish they would.

Choosing kindness doesn’t have to be a big thing. Of course, giving your husband a trip to play golf for his birthday feels great but it’s the little things that make a difference.

Think about the look on that woman’s face when you raced after her to return the wallet that she left in the store. Or the way the barista reacted this morning when, after dealing with customer after customer who had not yet had their coffee, you thanked them with a big smile and a compliment.

How good did those things feel? Did you find that you had a spring to your step that you might not have had before? I know I do.

Being kind is not hard to do but so many of us forget to be in this crazy, jam packed and exhausting world that we live in. Making that small effort to make someone else happy can go a long way to making you feel happy too.

#5 – Choose to believe.

A key ingredient in being happy is believing that you can be. Really. But I know that doing so is not an easy thing.

Why? Because when you are unhappy it’s almost impossible to believe that you ever could be happy.

When you are unhappy and you look ahead, know that you are doing so with that unhappy feeling in your gut. Your future life seems hopeless because you are unhappy right now.

But you have to believe. To have hope.

Why? Believing in anything is the best way to manifest it. Believe that you will get that job and you will. Believe that you will find that love and you will. Believe that you will be happy and you will.

So, how do we believe in the face of the hopelessness that you are currently feeling?

Visualize that job. Feel how it will feel to have it. Store that feeling in your body and summon it when you have doubt.

You can to the same with love. Picture that perfect someone. Feel how it will feel to be loved by them. Picture yourself happy and believe that it will happen.

It really works. Try it and see.

I know that you, and all of us, just want to be happy.

I know that many of us believe that the human condition is suffering but I believe that it doesn’t have to be. And we are in charge of our own happiness and can manifest it by the choices that we make!

Try it. Try putting yourself first, loving yourself and those around you, being kind, being truthful. Believing.

What a difference it will make. I promise.

5 Things We See On TV That Sabotage a Healthy Relationship

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Every time I watch TV (which I do often) I think about all of the things we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship.

Of course, we all say we recognize that what we see on TV isn’t how the real world works but I know that many of us, myself included, secretly hope that it is. As a result, it is difficult for us to keep a healthy relationship healthy because of the example that TV sets for us.

When I express my concerns to my clients and friends, I am always surprised when they tell me that they don’t see what I see but, when I explain it, they totally get it.

To that end, I want to share with you 5 things that we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship so that you can try to shift your perspective and find the healthy relationship that you want.

#1 – Storming off.

I don’t know how many of you have watched Shonda Rhimes’s TV shows : Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder. Full disclosure I have watched every episode of every one of these shows.

Anyway, Shonda Rhime’s is an amazing writer and the words she writes for her characters are very human and touching. Unfortunately, her characters are prone to stating their human and touching words and then walking away, leaving the person they delivered their monologue to looking confused/thoughtful/hopeful etc.

For a long time, I thought that this was the way to communicate in relationships. To say something smart and sassy and impressive and then turn on my heels and walk away, expecting my person to either follow me or have some epiphany because of my words of wisdom. Surprisingly, neither one of those things has ever happened!

Instead, giving a speech and then walking away only made two things happen my person never followed me, which made me feel unimportant, and making a declarative statement and then not sticking around for follow up discussion was unproductive.

What I have learned is that, instead of declarative statements, it is important that people have discussions around issues good or bad. It is the give and take of a discussion that settles issues and keep relationships healthy.

So, how about you? Are you a stalk away kind of person or do you stay and talk and work things out, one way or the other? If you are the former you might find that you sabotage your healthy relationship every time you do.

#2 – Quick resolutions.

Shonda Rhimes and other TV writers, have 50 minutes to cover the beginning, middle and end of a story. Because of the time limitations, issues have to be settled quickly.

In last week’s Grey’s Anatomy, at the beginning of the show, a new couple, Kai and Amelia, were lying in bed, basking in the aura of new love. By the end of the show, they were broken up. In the middle of the show, Kai witnessed, first hand, Amelia’s devotion to her kids. Kai didn’t want kids and, over the course of 45 minutes (or one evening in TV land) they decided to break up with Amelia. At minute 48 they did it, quickly and smoothly, and at minute 49 Amelia was left, heartbroken, only to be approached by her ex at minute 50 leaving us clambering for what happens next.

In reality, that story line wouldn’t happen so quickly. A new couple would have the time to get to know each other, would give each other space to bring family members into the relationship, discuss any issues that might arise and either work together to come up with a solution or end the relationship.

The disparity between resolution on TV versus real life can complicate a relationship. People expect for things to wrap up as quickly and as painlessly as they do on TV and they are disappointed, and worse, when they don’t.

So, recognize that our lives are lived in more than fifty minute increments. It’s ok to take your time before making a big move.

#3 – Unrealistic intimacy.

Sexual issues in relationships are an epidemic in this modern world.I believe that it is, at least partially, the result of ever-presence of porn and TV sex scenes.

Over the past 15 years or so, the depiction of sex on TV has shifted demonstrably. When I was younger, kisses were chaste and the act of sex implied. Now, on Prime Time TV, sex is explicit to some degree even soft porn. And while I am not judging this in and of itself, I do believe that this being some people’s primary exposure to sex sets them up for unrealistic expectations when it comes to sexual relationships.

I have a client who has very limited sexual experience and she has found that she is struggling with the sex in her new relationship. She doesn’t understand why it can feel so stilted sometimes, why she and her partner don’t connect like the people she sees on TV and why doesn’t she have an orgasm at the same time as her boyfriend, like her favorite character does every week?

These feelings have left her bereft and not sure if it is her issue or a problem in the relationship.

In reality, neither one of those things are true. What is in issue is her perceptions of what a sexual encounter should look like. That perception is interfering with her enjoying the sex that she has with her boyfriend for just what it is.

And sexual issues can sabotage a healthy relationship in a big way.

#4 – People will change.

Of course, people can change. Every day people do. But, I believe that change is incremental and driven by the person changing wanting to do so.

That kind of change is not what we see on TV. What we see on TV is transformation that just isn’t possible at least not in the real world.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients stay in toxic relationships because they believe that if they do, if they just love their person enough, that person will change for the better. Or if they stay, things will go back to the honeymoon stage that they had in the beginning. I mean, they say, it happens on TV all the time. The love of a good woman changes a damaged man and every one lives happily ever after.

Unfortunately, in real life this isn’t usually the way it works. In real life, a woman stays with a damaged man at the expense of her own health and wellbeing. She gives and gives and gives, loves deeply and ultimately just gets left heartbroken.

I am not saying that people can’t change. Of course they can. I just believe that we can’t make someone change. That in order for someone to change, they have to want to make the change. They have to take the steps. And we can’t take those steps for them.

So, while TV tells you to stick it out, waiting until they change, because they always do, know that doing so in real life might only end in heartbreak.

#5 – That love conquers all.

Oh, how I wish that this last one were true. That love is the cure to all that ails the world. Imagine what an amazing world we would have if love, indeed, was the fix.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we want it to be, love is not the thing that will change the world. And it is not the thing that will fix a relationship.

So many of my clients say If he loved me, he would make this one thing happen.Or if she loved me, she would change. I hear it all the time.

And I believe that, no matter how much someone loves someone, there are just things that people can’t do. A married man loves his lover but can’t leave his wife. A woman loves her husband but work just takes priority some nights. A man loves his wife but still feels bound to see his mother every Sunday, even if his wife doesn’t like it.

The list goes on and on.

My point is this Just because your person can’t do what you want them to do, it does not mean that they don’t love you. What it is means is that they are just a person in the world, a flawed person who is trying to do their best. They love you deeply but they aren’t perfect. And no amount of love is going to give them the strength to make a difficult choice or move.

Unfortunately, what we see on TV doesn’t support this notion. What we see on TV is the person making the ultimate sacrifice, giving up on the thing that they love most for their person. After all, if you don’t have love, you have nothing. Right?

As a life coach, I see every day how the things we see on TV can sabotage a healthy relationship and it breaks my heart.

Again, I watch a lot of TV and am not saying that we shouldn’t. All I am suggesting is that we take what we see with a grain of salt. That we enjoy our shows but know that what we see isn’t necessarily how things work in real life relationships.

Healthy communication, realistic expectations around sex, understanding that love doesn’t necessarily conquer all, and certainly not in fifty minute increments, are all the things that can keep a healthy relationship healthy.

So, go ahead, watch your shows. Enjoy them. I know that I am going to – with my boyfriend!

5 Reasons You Still Miss Your Ex After a Year

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You are not alone if you still miss your ex after a year. I know you might be judging yourself because you do but DON’T.

Societal pressure makes us believe that it is not okay to mourn. We are expected to get over a hurt and move on. And if we can’t, it makes us feel bad about ourselves. And feeling bad about ourselves will only hinder forward progress.

Understanding why you still miss your ex after a year will help you understand and hopefully forgive yourself so that you can move forward and find the love of your life.

#1 -You have regrets.

I have a client who is full of regrets. Years ago, she cheated on her boyfriend and ultimately left him for another man. At the time it felt like the right thing to do but now she is full of regrets.

My client didn’t get to the place where she was unfaithful in a void. Her boyfriend had broken promises to her, made plans for his future that did not include her and didn’t make her a priority when she needed him. Because of this, she was driven into the arms of another man. And she left.

What she struggles with most is that she was unfaithful. In retrospect, it feels incredibly selfish to her. She feels like if she had talked to him about how she was feeling, instead of looking outside the relationship, they might have made it.

And, if they had made it, they would have been living happily ever after.

What I am here to say is that regrets will get you nowhere. My client believes that, if she had talked to him instead of fooling around, then they would be living happily ever after. But, she just doesn’t know that.

There were already cracks in her relationship that were starting to show He was making choices without her and not making her a priority. Who is to say that those behaviors wouldn’t have continued. Or that, if they did fix things, a job on the other side of the country or the death of parent or another person might have thrown a wrench in that relationship.

Regretting what could have been is a waste of time because you are regretting something that might not have even happened.

If you are still missing your ex after a year, know that it might be because of regrets, about holding on to something that might have been, something that just really is something that you have made up in your head.

#2 – You are lying to yourself.

I believe that my client who regrets letting go of her ex has reinvented her relationship in her head.

She talks to me about how wonderful he was, how she knew he was going to do big things, that she loved him madly and that they were each other’s soul mates. As a result, she stills misses him.

The reality is, however, that they had plans to move to New York City after college but instead, without telling her, he applied to schools in San Francisco. His father died and, without talking to her, he made arrangements to live with his mother. She was feeling left behind and questioning herself in the relationship and he made her feel forgotten and unloved.

Be honest with yourself. Is the ex who you are missing really the ex that they were? If you miss your vacations together and the presents he gave you and that one fun concert you went to, are you perhaps missing those things instead of the person?

I have a client who was feeling really sad because she went to a concert that her husband had bought tickets to before he died suddenly. She told me how sad she was that they weren’t at the concert together but then she realized that, if they had been, he would have gotten drunk and sloppy and she would have had to get him home. She didn’t miss him so much after that.

So take stock Do you miss the person your ex was or the experiences that you had together? Seeing the difference might help you move on.

#3 – You haven’t found someone else.

The number one way to get over someone is to find someone else. Of course, we are told that we should find ourselves before we move on, an admirable goal but, I believe, not necessarily the best move to help you move forward.

I know that when I broke up (again) with the married guy I had been seeing for two years, the only reason that I was finally able to make it stick was because someone else appeared in my life. That person was able to distract me from thoughts about my ex and keep me busy and make me feel loved.

Have you met someone else? Have you even put yourself out there to date? Or do you spend your nights and weekends mourning your ex and regretting what might have been?

If you are still doing so, it makes sense that you are still missing your ex after a year.

#4 – You are unhappy in a relationship.

My client who had been regretting letting go of her ex even did find someone else. She met him during the pandemic and they are now living together, talking about marriage and babies. But their life together is difficult and she talks to me often about breaking up with him.

I have noticed over the past few months, as their relationship has become more difficult, that she is missing her ex more than usual. She compares their relationship to the one she is in currently and it is making her question everything.

What I suggested to her is that the reason she suddenly misses her ex is because she is unhappy with her boyfriend, that idealizing someone who she walked away from a few years back is actually helping her justify why she is unhappy that if she had just chosen differently she would be happy.

So, have you found someone but is your relationship struggling? An unhappy relationship can drive us back to the past and it’s no wonder that you still miss your ex after a year.

#5 – You aren’t happy in your life.

I have another client who has found that she still misses her ex after a year and it is driving her nuts.

She had put herself out there, met some great guys, built a life for herself in another city why hasn’t she just moved on?

My client had dated her guy in college. They were the golden couple everyone wanted to be them. She was popular and social. She excelled at her work and dominated at sports. He was the same. Life was grand.

Now, she had a great job and a great apartment and a boyfriend but her life is different. She doesn’t have the kind of friends she had in college. She doesn’t get the adulation she got when her lacrosse team won a game. The high life that she lived in college is gone, and she misses it. And her ex was a part of that life she missed!

Where are you in your life? Are you happy with it outside of any relationship? Do you have a social life that pleases you? Do you like your apartment and your job and are you living up to your potential? If any of things are missing, or you are dissatisfied elsewhere, it could be the reason you still miss your ex after a year.

I would encourage you to take a good look at your life and see what you can do to make it better. If you do, you just might find that you can move on and stop missing your ex.

Still missing your ex after a year is not uncommon but I would encourage you to consider that it’s not necessarily your ex that you miss but something else!

You have regrets for something that you think might have been but something that might not ever have been. You long for the person that you thought they could have been. You aren’t happy in your life and in your relationships.

I would encourage you to take stock of what you really miss about your ex. Is it truly that you miss your ex or are you unhappy with life life you have now?

Taking stock might help you let go of your ex and move forward to find the love that you want!

You can do it!

 

5 Ways to Survive after Your Boyfriend Cheated

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Are you reeling from the discovery that your boyfriend cheated and wondering how you will ever survive the pain that you are feeling? Do you just want to curl up in a little ball and disappear?

I am so sorry if you are feeling this way. I totally get it I have been there, as have many, many women before you. Having your boyfriend cheat on you, and the ensuing heartbreak, is one of the worst things you can go through and it feels like it will never end.

Well, I can promise you that, not only can you survive the fact that your boyfriend cheated but you can even thrive! I know it seems impossible right now but I promise you, you can!

Here are 5 ways to survive, and thrive, after your boyfriend cheated!

#1 – Know that it’s not your fault.

First and foremost, if your boyfriend cheated, it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

So many women blame themselves when their boyfriends cheat. They believe that if only they had been hotter, smarter, kinder, more outgoing, around more etc. that their boyfriend would never have cheated.

A client of mine found out that her boyfriend had cheated and the first place that she went was that it was her fault. She had been working too hard and spending lots of time with her friends and she knew that she wasn’t giving him as much attention as he might like. So, she blamed herself for his infidelity.

I reminded her that there are two people in every relationship and that infidelity doesn’t usually happen in a void. I asked her if her boyfriend had spoken to her about the fact that he had been feeling neglected. She said he did not. She was guessing maybe he was but, because he didn’t speak up, she just continued on.

I do believe that if her boyfriend had spoken up, she might have been able to change her behaviors so that he was feeling more settled in the relationship. But he did not speak up; he cheated.

And, I would argue, that cheating is taking the coward’s way out. Instead of communicating with her, my client’s boyfriend looked outside of their relationship to get the connection he wanted.

And that, was not her fault. And neither is your boyfriend’s cheating.

#2 – Talk to him about it.

I am sure that you are torn right now. Part of you wants to yell and scream and walk out the door. Another part of you wants to pretend that none of this happened and just go on with your life. And I am guessing that the idea of talking to your boyfriend in any reasonable way about what happened feels unfathomable.

One of the most important ways to survive after your boyfriend cheated is by talking to him about it. Why? Because it’s important that you each get a chance to talk and be heard. Because, if you can do that, figuring out what next steps are will be easier.

First, you want to listen to what he has to say. He might have nothing to say which might make your decision whether to stay or go easy. But he might very well have something to say that he wants you to hear. Something that he hasn’t said before, like my client above. Either way, it is important that he be given the chance to talk and you must be willing to truly listen.

Secondly, it is very important that you get the opportunity to say what you need to say. It is important that you get to ask questions, that you are able to express your anger and hurt, that you get to say everything that you need to say so that you can move forward, one way or the other, without words being left unsaid.

A key part of how to survive after your boyfriend cheated, whether you stay or not, is to make sure that you have said everything that you want to say, so that you know that you can move forward having been honest with him and with yourself.

All of that being said, if you truly feel that you have nothing to say to your boyfriend, that nothing he could say would make any difference, you don’t have to talk to him. It is within your rights to walk away and never look back. He cheated. You didn’t. You can decide.

#3 – Get some help.

If you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, I would 100% percent encourage you to get some help  a professional who can help you process your feelings and figure out what are your next steps.

Of course, you have your friends and your sister and your mother and your co-workers and the internet and the guy who tends bar down the street. You can talk to all of these people about what happened and each of them will have an opinion to share with you. The thing is, people who aren’t professionals will give you advice based on their own experiences, not necessarily based on your story.

Furthermore, our friends and relatives will generally tell us what we want to hear. If you are feeling sentimental about your person one night, your friend will support you with reasons you can work things out. If you go out with another friend the next night, and express your anger, that friend will give you all sorts of reasons to break up with him.

The more people you ask, the more confused you will get.

And, if you decide to get back together with him, all of those people who you shared your story with will not be so happy to welcome your boyfriend back into the fold.

So, if you want to survive after your boyfriend cheated, get some help. Find someone (like me!) who will listen to YOUR story and YOUR feelings and use their professional experience to help you move forward from where you are right now.

Wouldn’t that feel great? To move forward?

#4 – Hold your head high.

As I mentioned before, for many people, when they find out that their boyfriend was unfaithful, they just take to their bed. They are devasted, feeling guilty, scared of people’s judgment and full of self-loathing. Their agenda TV, ice cream and Kleenex boxes.

While I definitely support anyone who needs to retreat when they find out that their boyfriend cheated, I 100% percent recommend that you limit your time doing so. Why? Because isolating will only make you feel worse about yourself and further devastate your self-esteem.

The amount of time that people need to isolate is different but I would definitely encourage you to get up off the couch within a week. If you wait any longer, you just might find yourself permanently attached to it!

So, what do you do when you get off the couch? Anything that would bring you some sort of joy or if not joy, then happiness. And if not even happiness, something that doesn’t feed the misery.

If you like to go for walks, do it. And make yourself a break up playlist to listen to as you do. Spend time with your girlfriends. Go home and let your mom take care of you for a while. Buy yourself something pretty. Plan a trip. Dig into a work project. Whatever it is that will make you feel stronger. Strong enough to move forward.

And, if you haven’t yet had the conversation with your boyfriend, now is the time to start thinking about having it. Having that conversation with him will help you decide what the next steps are in your relationship.

#5 – Get on with your life.

Yes, your boyfriend cheated. And it sucks. But that doesn’t mean that this infidelity has to ruin your life and affect your future. And you are the only one who can prevent that from happening.

I know that right now you feel betrayed. You feel like this person who you gave your heart to broke it. And you believe that you will never be able to love or be loved again. The idea of trusting someone else is inconceivable.

And that is how you feel right now but it doesn’t have to define how you will feel in the future if you don’t let it.

How many people do you know who go into relationships with chips on their shoulders because of past issues with an ex? They have been hurt and they will never let that happen again, so they put up walls. And what does that do? Damage, or end, the next relationship and the next and maybe even the next.

I always tell my clients that people are only human and humans are fallible. We all make stupid decisions that we regret. And sometimes that human being makes a mistake that affects you. And that can very damaging.

If you can try to recognize that that one person, one human being, made a mistake, that it doesn’t mean that every other man in the universe is going to be unfaithful, you will have a much easier time moving on with your life, being happy and finding love again.

If you stay mired in the past, making decisions around one person’s infidelity, you might never move on and find the love that you want.

You don’t want that do you?

So now you see, there are ways to survive after your boyfriend cheated.

I know it seems inconceivable but it’s true.

This moment is one moment in your life. It doesn’t have to define you. You can take what happened, learn from it and get on with your life.

When my ex found another girlfriend, I was forever framing it as the fact that he had left me. That was how I felt it was. And, while, technically, it was true, in reality our relationship hadn’t been perfect. So, I started to frame it not that he left but that we ended it. Which, ultimately, is what we did! That reframing helped me move on so I could use my coping skills to survive and thrive!

You can do it too! Make sure that you accept that this is not your fault. Talk to him about it (if you want to). Get some help outside of your social circle. Hold your head high and move forward with confidence.

This one thing doesn’t have to define you. It is a small blip in your long life. Remember that.

The life, and love, that you want is out there waiting for you!

5 Ways Your Mother In Law Can Damage Your Marriage – Even if She Doesn’t Mean to

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When I got engaged, I remember so well when a friend of mine told me that there are many ways that your mother-in-law can damage your marriage, even if she doesn’t want to.

I remember thinking yeah, sure, but that won’t happen to us. Boy, was I wrong?

Mothers-in-law’s are not inherently evil and have developed a bad rep. But I know that my mother-in-law did play a role in the health of my marriage, and I wish I had known then what I know now!

Here are 5 ways your mother-in-law can damage your marriage and some things that you can do to stop that from happening.

#1 – She knows how she wants things.

I know that when I was growing up, my mother wanted things a certain way.

Christmas eve involved a party, Christmas carols, one present and midnight mass. We never turned the heat on until after Thanksgiving. Birthday parties were for immediate family. No one was required to eat anything on their plate. That was just how things were. And, as a result, that is how I was when I went into my marriage.

And, over the course of my ex-husband’s life, his mother did things her way and her way didn’t match mine. And that definitely caused some friction in our marriage.

My ex-husband did not care how we did Christmas or birthday parties or when we turned the heat on he would go along with whatever. Unfortunately, often, his mother’s whatever and mine were quite different. And, of course, I wanted to do things my way, my mother’s way. And my mother-in-law wasn’t always happy about that.

What did my ex do? He tried to keep his head down and stay out of the conflict. As a result, my mother-in-law and I struggled in a big way over the first few years of my marriage. Did that poison my relationship with my husband? Definitely.

As the years went on, I learned to adapt. I learned to pick and choose what I wanted to do my way and let her have some wins on that one too. It worked to keep the peace between us but my marriage was definitely damaged by the conflict that was present in the years before we worked things out.

#2- They had 18 years together.

Like it or not, your husband and his mother go WAY back.

At one point in his life, she was his everything and he hers.

She taught him to walk and talk and eat and swim and read and drive. She was there for all of the milestones of his life and the sun rose and set on him!

I can tell you that my favorite man in the WHOLE WORLD is my son and he most likely always will be. (sorry boyfriend). It is hard for me to fathom that someday he will be with someone who he will love intensely, who he will turn to when he is sad, happy, excited or overwhelmed. And that thought scares the hell out of me. Because that is who I always was to him.

So, if you are wondering how your mother in law can damage your marriage, know that this is a thing. That she was there first and that her love for him is intense. And, you filling her shoes might be intensely painful for her.

If your man’s mother is causing conflict in your marriage, know that it might be based on this pain that losing her son to another woman is something that she has to get used to. I would encourage you to just be as kind and patient with her as you can give her some time to get used to the new reality.

If you can be kind during this period of transition, instead of angry and offended, I think you will find that your relationship with your partner will be stronger because of it.

#3 – Conflicting allegiances.

Again, your man and his mother go way back. He has loved her his whole life and she has always been there for him. I am guessing that he would do anything for her. I know that my son would do anything for me.

So, imagine what it must be like for him to have another woman in his life another woman he loves intensely who he would do anything for. And imagine if both of those women were asking different things of him.

Men are wonderful, don’t get me wrong, but managing conflict between women is not one of their strong points. Remember, women spend every minute of every day processing emotions. For us, we are fluent in it.

But men, not so much. For them, conflict is a scary, scary thing and something to be avoided at all costs!

So, when your man is presented with having to choose between the needs of the two women he loves the most in the world, imagine how paralyzed he would be. He, most likely, doesn’t have the skills that he needs to navigate what is happening between the two of you. So, what does he do? He just doesn’t deal. And what does that do? It makes the conflict worse.

If you find that your man is really struggling between the wants and needs of the two women in his life, recognize it for what it is. Have some compassion. Help him work through the conflict in a meaningful way. You are a couple after all that’s what couples do.

#4 – Jealousy.

So, be honest with yourself. Are you just a little bit jealous of your guy’s mother? Are you perhaps jealous of all of their years together? Are you jealous that she knows him so well? Are you jealous that he spends an hour every Sunday night on the phone with her, even if you have to rearrange your schedules to do so?

If you are, don’t be hard on yourself. The jealousy is totally natural.

A man’s relationship with his mother can be very solid and it can be a very intimidating one to come into. And we often come into relationships with men who are close to their mothers thinking that we have to compete for time and attention. Much like being married to a man who has a daughter, knowing that your guy has another woman who he loves like he does you can be off-putting.

But I can tell you this. Everyone, everyone, has the capacity to love fully. Just because your man has big love for his mother, or his daughter, that doesn’t mean that he doesn’t have enough room in his heart to love you in a big way. You don’t have to fight for a space in his heart there is lots of room in there for all of you even if there were others in there first.

As a result, one way that your mother in law can damage your marriage actually has to do with YOU not with HER. Let me tell you how.

The last time that you and your man got into a scuffle about a conflict with his mother, did you say to him If you loved me more you would put me first?” Or did you think to yourself that there is no way he could possible really love you if he didn’t automatically choose you every time?

If the answer to either of those statements is yes then I would argue that you are sabotaging your relationship with your man, not his mother. That you are insisting that the amount that he loves you is reflected by whether or not he chooses you over her every time. And telling yourself that, or, even worse, telling him that, will only tear your relationship apart.

Your man can love you fully and completely and still struggle with the conflict between his mother and his partner. This conflict has nothing to do with his love for you it has to do with the conflict itself and his difficulty in navigating it!

#5 – You are just two women in the world.

My father once said to me If we weren’t family we wouldn’t be friends Lovely thing to hear from your father, no?

That being said, those words gave me pause  it really made me think about the difference between friends and family.

Your friends you choose, your family you are given.

So, another way your mother-in-law can damage your marriage is if the two of you do not see eye to eye. If the two of you most likely wouldn’t have been friends out in the real world then getting along in this familial relationship will be even more challenging.

My step mother and I have had conflict for years. She has always hated my relationship with my father and has made my life miserable for 35 years (as I am sure I have done to her). What I realized as I became an adult is that we never would have been friends out in the real world. We are so incredibly different that if our paths had crossed we would have kept moving. Just because my dad brought her into our world that didn’t mean that we would get along.

So, think about this. Might it be that you and your mother in law are just plain different that you might never be friends in the real world? If so, take that into this relationship. Just because you are now (somewhat) related that doesn’t mean that you have to be best friends.

Treat your man’s mother like you would a work colleague you didn’t really get along with. Be polite, unemotional and non-confrontational and know that, at the end of the day, you will go home with your partner and that she will go home to her house.

She doesn’t have to be your friend  you already have plenty of those!

So, there are 5 ways your mother in law can damage your marriage, even if she doesn’t mean to.

Relationships are complicated and none more so that the relationship between two women who love the same man ““ mother/son or father/daughter.

What I can tell you is this you will never be able to change another woman’s behavior. You can only change your reaction to her behavior.

I would encourage you to recognized that she and her son go way back and that having you as part of their twosome is a new thing for everyone, something that will take some getting used to. Know that your man doesn’t really have the skills that he needs to mediate your relationship and that your jealousy might be playing a part in this situation. And know that you and your man’s mother might never be friends and that’s ok. Accept that and figure out a way to live with it people do it at work all the time.

Don’t let your mother-in-law damage your marriage. Change your reactions to her behavior, work together with your partner as to how to best manage the situation and know that there is room in his heart for both of you! I promise!

5 Ways Social Media Can Kill a Relationship Before it Even Begins

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I can’t tell you how many times I have to tell my clients that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts.

Why?  I believe that, at its most basic level, social media can warp our perceptions of reality. I do believe that much of what is put out there is put out there authentically but that what we see does not necessarily present the real picture of a person or a thing. And I believe that it is this particular element of social media that can kill a relationship before it even starts.

I so often see people judging their relationship, whether it is brand new or not even in existence yet, by what they see on social media. As a result, romantic relationships, the relationships that we all seek, are stopped before they can even start.

Awareness around this is the key to not letting social media destroy your relationship before it even starts.

#1 – Misinformation.

I have a client who is struggling with being ghosted by a guy she was seeing for a while. To understand why it happened, and how she should react to it, she turned to TikTok. When she finally talked to me about it, she kept on saying TikTok says, like the words that she heard on the app were the words of experts, that the gospel of TikTok is how she should process what has happened to her.

Let me be clear I do believe that hearing stories about how others get through things is an excellent way to learn. I do that all the time with my blogs. But I feel like my client was taking the words that she was hearing from TikTok and completely internalizing them. She was using the words of people she doesn’t know, and who don’t know her, to process the potential end of her relationship.

Furthermore, what many people put onto social media is not their complete picture. Of course, we all seek to tell our story but people curate what they put on social media. We don’t always tell our whole story because we know that we will be judged if they do. And, as a result, we are often manipulated, sometimes inadvertently, to believe something that isn’t the complete picture.

So, I encourage you to pause for a minute before you take someone’s TikTok advice as the gospel truth. Doing so might help you process what you are going through, your personal experience, in a way that will help, and not harm, you and your relationship.

#2 – Inaccurate perceptions.

I have another client who met a guy online. They hadn’t yet met but the conversations were lovely. She was looking forward to meeting him UNTIL she checked out his Instagram account. What did she see? That he was friends with lots of girls. And for her, that was a HUGE red flag!

I asked her why. She said that it was because she believed that, if he was friends with so many women, she would always worry about him cheating on her. So, before she had even met him, she defined him as someone who couldn’t be friends with women because he might cheat on her.

That doesn’t sound like a recipe for a healthy relationship, does it?

My question to her was What if you met this man at a bar and you had a lovely conversation? You then dated him for a while and got to know him, and he got to know you. As you got to know him, you learned that he and his sister had decided that they would be friends with each other’s friends on social media. It made them feel more connected, for many reasons. As a result, he was friends with many women on social media because of his sister, not because he was a womanizer.

If this happened, once you knew who he was as a person, would you judge him and walk away, assuming that he would someday cheat on you?

No, probably not.

My point is that making an assumption or a judgment about someone based on their social media is an assumption or a judgement not based on any kind of knowledge about the reality of the situation. Of course, it could be that he really is a womanizer but you just do not know until you investigate. And if you don’t investigate, that relationship could be over before it starts either because you are insecure from the beginning or because you have prejudged them to be someone they are not.

So, pay attention to assumptions that you make about someone’s social media profile. Remember, they are not necessarily based in any kind of reality!

#3 – False expectations.

So, tell me the truth. Does what you post on social media totally reflect who you are as a person? Do you post pictures after a night out drinking or when your skin is acting up or after a fight with your sister?

Or do you post the night of, when you are all dressed up and having fun? If you do have to post when your skin acts up, do you use a filter? And I am sure you never post when you are really angry at your sibling.

So, knowing that what you post about yourself isn’t always an accurate reflection of who you are in the world, why would you assume that other people’s posts are an accurate reflection of who they are?

I have a client who had been chatting with a guy she met online. In his profile, he posted pictures of himself going out, of him playing softball, of him climbing mountains on Sundays. As a result, she swiped right because she liked that he was so active.

And they met and she got to know him and she really liked everything about him, except that he wasn’t very active. A day on the couch was just as appealing to him as a day on a hike. And that she wasn’t happy about. She felt like she had been promised someone who didn’t really exist.

When we get to know someone through social media, instead of IRL (in real life), we learn about them posting about their best selves, not the full picture. Of course, we would post a picture of ourselves on the top of a mountain instead of on the couch because we want to be appealing. But that doesn’t necessarily mean that we spend more time on top of mountains than on the couch we just present ourselves that way.

So, be careful not to assume that the person you see on social media is who they are. They only way to truly get to know someone is by interacting with them. If you assume you know someone because of their profile, you just might be setting yourself up for disappointment.

#4 – Options, options, options.

This is the number one complaint that I hear from people about social media, especially from women – because of social media, people are presented with too many options.

Much like when you go into Dunkin’ Donuts and are trying to choose a donut but you just do not know which one to pick because you are worried that you might pick the wrong one, so does social media make us question our choices always wondering if there might be someone out there who is better for us.

I can’t tell you how many guys I have chatted with on social media who, in the middle of a conversation, just suddenly disappeared. I never know what truly happened but I am guessing that someone shinier came along, someone they wanted to talk to instead of me. And that felt pretty shitty every time.

But, over time, I came to accept that it wasn’t about me. It was about the wide variety of options out there, options that, because of social media, we are exposed to every day. Not only are there jillions of people on dating sites, we are bombarded with images of attractive people all day long on our phones. As a result, we are often left questioning if the grass might be greener elsewhere, like with that guy who is on top of a mountain instead of the one sitting next to you on the couch.

I believe that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts because of the vast array of options that are out there, options that are presented to social media users every minute of every day.

#5 – Disconnect.

Picture this. You are at a bar with your friends, and instead of keeping your head up and interacting, you are on your phone. Or that you are sitting at home with your new boyfriend, looking at your social media while you are watching TV. Neither one of these scenarios is any good for a relationship, or the possibility of a relationship, because of the disconnect that social media creates.

I can’t tell you how many guys I know who don’t approach women because they are on their phones. Approaching someone you don’t know is hard enough, but interrupting someone while they are on their phone is almost impossible. You just don’t know what you are interrupting.

As a result, while people really want to meet people IRL, they don’t because they are looking at their phones instead of looking up, open to seeing what is right there in front of them.

In my other scenario, the couple who are sitting on the couch together while one watches TV and one is on social media are setting themselves up for disappointment because, while they are sitting next to each other, they are not sharing the experience. They are parallel, but not connected.

Being parallel but not connected doesn’t seem like it’s a big deal but, over time, it can wear away at the fabric of a relationship. I can’t tell you how many times my ex and I fought over him picking up his phone during commercials instead of talking to me. It was definitely one of the things that ultimately broke us up.

So, pay attention to how your phone and social media disconnect you from the people in front of you. It just might be that that disconnect is why you can’t find love.

I know that you don’t want to believe that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts but it can.

As I write this, I am wondering if someone was told that, to find the love of their life, they would have to give up social media, if they would end up choosing love. I would hope so but I am just not sure. That is how much social media is part of the fabric of our lives.

If you want to find love, pay attention to how social media affects your journey and any relationship that you might find. Make sure that you don’t make assumptions, that you don’t judge a book by its cover, that you don’t take what you see as gospel truth and that you keep your head up more than you do down.

If you can be aware of the ways that social media can kill a relationship before it even starts then you will have the opportunity to choose the effect that it can have on you and your search for love.

Because your person is out there. I promise!

5 Things to Do to be Happy Again after a Break Up

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If you are reading this article I am guessing that you are trying to figure out how to be happy again after a break up. I get it! I have totally been there.

I am not sure there is any pain more intense than the pain we feel after a break up!

I remember my first broken heart. With Bobby Fortunato in the 8th grade. I was devastated. I remember my mom let me stay home from school and she gave me Jello!

So, here you are, in middle of the storm, struggling to stay afloat and wondering how you will ever be happy again!

You can be! I promise!

Here are 5 things to do to be happy again after a break up.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

Blocking an ex is the number one thing that I recommend that people do to be happy again after a break up. And it’s the number one thing that people don’t do and it holds them back.

So, why is it so important to block someone after a break up and why is it so hard to do it?

The reason why it is important to block your ex is because it is essential that you go no contact.That means no seeing each other, talking to each other, texting each other or liking each other’s posts on Instagram. Why is that important? Because any contact, any, will take you back to square one the moment of your break up when the pain was most intense.

Back in the day, when we broke up with someone, we broke up with them. With a little bit of effort, we could avoid them and then we could move on. Now, we can access any information about our ex that we want, at any time. And when we do, it sets us back.

I have a client whose man had broken her heart and, six months in, she was starting to feel better. She was even opening herself up to the idea of dating again. And what happened? Late one night, her ex drunkenly texted her. She was so excited because she thought that he wanted her back. So, she responded and they texted throughout the night. The next morning, there was radio silence. He had sobered up and moved on.

And what happened to her? She was devastated, again, and back to square one!

So, why is it so hard to block someone after a break up? I believe that it’s mostly about hope. Hope that someday their person will come back to them and they want to make sure that they are there in case that happens. People also want to keep tabs on their person, to see how quickly they move on. Sometimes they just can’t, or do not want to, break the habit. But mostly, I believe, it’s because they are holding out hope for the future.

And now that I have explained to you what my client’s reunion with her ex did to her hopefully you will see that you don’t want to be there for your ex in future you want to have moved on.

So, if you want to be happy after a break up, block your ex. I promise you it will be helpful in a big way.

#2 – Rearrange your space.

Be honest. How many times in the past few days have you looked at the chair that they sat in at breakfast or their side of the couch or the pillows that they slept on and then burst into tears. The memories of your ex’s time in your home are visceral and probably holding you back from healing.

So, what can you do about that? You can change your space! Shake things up so that your ex’s energy will be banished forever and you have space to make new memories.

What do I mean by changing your space? You can go big or little.Whatever feels good to you.

My sister, when she got divorced, switched her bedroom to another room in the house. A client of mine painted all the walls. I bought flannel sheets because my ex hated them. A friend moved the breakfast table to the other side of the kitchen. Definitely remove any and all things that they might have left behind, including pictures!

Imagine how it would feel to come down the stairs in the morning and not see your ex’s chair sitting there, empty. Imagine if your bed, because of your new sheets, no longer resembles the one you shared with your ex. If your space was truly your space again.

Even if your space is small there is still opportunity to make change right now. Take a look around. What would feel really good to change right now? Stand up and do it or make a plan to do it this weekend!

You will be glad you did!

#3 – Change your routines.

Much like changing your space, changing your routines are an essential part of being happy again after a break up.

We are all creatures of habit and we tend to do the same things day in, day out. I know for my partner and me, when we get home from work we go for a walk, have a drink on the couch, make dinner, watch some TV and go to bed. We do it almost every day and we love it. It is very comforting.

I know that, if we broke up, I would be devastated. And I would, most likely, carry on doing the things that we had always done together. And that would only make me lonely.

Take a look at your routines. What kind of habits did you and your ex develop over the course of your relationship? Did you go to the same coffee shop every Saturday? Go to a different one. Did you have pizza for dinner every Wednesday? Have burritos instead. Did you each have your own side of the bed? Switch your place to other side.

Changing routines will help you let go of your ex. It will also serve to adjust your brain to the new reality. When we do the same things over and over, we develop ruts in our brain. When we are pushed out of our ruts, we get very uncomfortable. But, if we can stay out of them, we can rewire our brains to do things differently namely to no longer focus on our ex.

So, what kind of routines and habits did you and your ex share? Which of them can you change? (You can even start with just one!) When you can change that thing? And how would it feel to do so?

Changing your routines will be a key part of your journey to be happy again after a breakup.

#4 – Push yourself.

When I got divorced 12 years ago, I was a shell of myself. For 20 years I had been married to someone who made me fearful not afraid of him but afraid of the world around me.

As a result, there were many things that I didn’t do. That I couldn’t do. And, when I noticed this, I recognized that I was going to have to do some of those things if I wanted to be happy again.

So, what did I do? I set out to do all of the things that I was uncomfortable doing.

I had always been scared of jet skis and snorkeling and I did both. I had become increasingly uncomfortable driving in snow storms so I did so every opportunity I could. I went to Peru and climbed a 17,000 foot high mountain and to Arizona and hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

What did pushing myself do for me? It rebuilt my self esteem and made me realize that I was a person outside of my relationship. Accomplishing things that were challenging made me feel good about myself and very strong. And I realized that there wasn’t anything that I couldn’t do alone that I didn’t need to be part of a pair to succeed or live a good life.

I would encourage you to take stock of the things that scare you and set out to do at least one of them. Do things that you have always wanted to do, even if you have to do them alone. Be the person you were before the end of this relationship. That person is still in there, waiting to be set free from behind the grief!

#5 – Have hope.

I know that, from where you sit, you feel like your future is hopeless and that you will never love or be loved again. What I can promise you is that how you are feeling just isn’t true. I promise.

When we are in a bad place it is virtually impossible to see the future as a hopeful one. We are feeling so fully what it’s like to be miserable and the journey out of that misery is murky.

What I can promise you is that, with time, you will be happy again. You will get your life back. You will be happy. You will love and be loved again. It is more than possible; it is most probable.

That being said, you can’t just sit back, eating ice cream, watching TV, stalking your ex on Instagram, and wait for the misery to pass. You must be able to step up and take the steps that are necessary to get your life back.

So, even if you are feeling hopeless, listen to me. You can do this! And it will be worth it, you will see!

I know it’s hard to believe that you can be happy again after a break up but hopefully I have inspired you to shake things up a bit so that you can move on and be happy, sooner than later!

When we let go of a relationship, it is often the residual effects, the energy, the loss, the sadness, that hold us back from healing. If you can shake up your space and your head, block your person completely, push yourself to find yourself again and have hope, you will be happy again. You will have the life and the love that you have always wanted!

I promise!

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