5 Ways To Get Your Life Together After Divorce

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Are you wondering how to get your life together after divorce?

Is the life that you once led, the one that you knew so well, suddenly completely gone and do you have no idea what to do next?

Let me help!

Getting divorced can be devastating but it doesn’t have to be life ending. Getting divorced is something that you will survive but you need to take it day by day, one step at a time so that you don’t get overwhelmed.

The first step towards living the life you want is learning how to get your life together after divorce. If you can lay a good foundation for your new life, one that is very different from your married one, you can then build on top of it and create the life you want.

Here are 5 key ways to get your life together after divorce so that you can move forward and live your best life.

#1 – Keep your divorce papers close.

Even though your divorce is final, it is very important that you keep all of the paperwork around your divorce close by.

To that end, it is essential that you create a filing system that will work for you to manage that paperwork. Keep your final divorce agreement, a name change document and any other documents that you have related to your divorce in a place where they won’t get lost and where you can get to them easily.

Your divorce might be final but there are plenty of times over the next few years that you might need that paperwork. You might need them if you are applying for a mortgage or filing your taxes or changing your credit card account information. And if you don’t have the info close by you could be in trouble.

I have been divorced for 6 years but still find that I need my paperwork. This Christmas I bought my airplane tickets and, by mistake, the tickets were purchased in my married name. I discovered this the night before we travelled and, in order to change the name on the ticket, I had to provide the official name change documentation.

Thank goodness I had it in my file drawer so that I could send it to the airline. It still took me 5 hours on hold with the airlines to get the name changed but get it changed I did!

So, keep all of the paperwork related to your divorce in one place, a place you won’t forget and have easy access to.

#2 – Don’t ignore your finances.

Every divorce leads to some sort of financial upheaval and making sure you have a clear understanding of what your finances look like is super important if you are going to get your life together after divorce.

So, first off, review all financial documentation that you have bank accounts, mortgage accounts, credit card accounts, brokerage accounts, trusts, IRAs, etc. Make sure that you have a clear understanding of your assets, both liquid and fixed.

Next, pull together an accounting of your expenses your mortgage, your car payments, your tuition payments, your grocery expenses, your kids after school costs, etc. Whatever it is that you spend money on. Once you have all of your assets and expenses pulled together then it’s time to make a financial plan for your future.

How much money you can spend monthly, what you can put away for savings, what things might need to get adjusted to fit the new financial situation? If your financial documents are all Greek to you, as they were to me, then spend the money and hire a good financial manager who can help you figure out what your money situation is.

A thorough understanding of your financial picture will help you get your life together after divorce and make you feel safe and secure.

#3 – Identify where you will need help.

When I got divorced, one of the biggest losses for me was that I no longer had someone living with me who knew how to work power tools, trouble shoot computers and manage our taxes.

For 20 years I had relied on my husband to fix things around the house, to deal with the computer (and other technology) when things went awry and to manage the taxes each year. As a matter of fact, one of the reasons that I didn’t want a divorce was because I didn’t want to deal with doing those things. Suddenly I was alone and I had to figure out how to deal with things that I had no idea how to manage.

So, what did I do? I learned how to use some tools on my own basic tools so that I could do simple things around the house. But. more importantly, I found a handyman who I could rely on to come help me if I needed help. Someone who could do all the little things that my husband used to do that I couldn’t do on my own.

As for technology, I learned that you could Google almost anything and find a You Tube video that would explain how to fix things. I also found a guy in town willing to help me if I couldn’t figure it out on my own.

And finally, for what worried me most, taxes, I hired a tax guy. Every year, in January, he sends me a worksheet of things that I need to pull together so that he can do my taxes for me in April. I gather everything together and send them to him and he does my taxes for me. It costs me some money but it is totally worth it for my piece of mind, knowing that my taxes are done and done properly.

So, take an inventory of what you will need to do around your house and figure out what you can do to get those things done. You can either set out to learn how to do them yourself or hire someone to do them for you. Either way, make a plan so you aren’t caught off guard by a broken pipe or a disabled modem.

And, conquering a drill or a clogged pipe will make you feel damn good and will make you believe that you truly can get your life together after a divorce.

#4 – Start exploring.

So, for however many years, you have a been a wife, and maybe a mother. And, I am guessing that in that period of time your life has become rather small.

When we are single, the sky is the limit as far as what we can do with our life. We can move across country, travel the world, change jobs when we feel like it, sleep in on Saturday or wake up at the crack of dawn for a run. Whatever we want to do, whenever we want to do it.

Married life is different. When we are married, our lives join our spouse’s and the things we do naturally become aligned. As a result, our world can narrow.

If you want to move across country but your spouse doesn’t, you probably won’t. What you have for dinner, where you travel, what time you wake up, are all delicately navigated areas, ones where the couple must work together to make sure that everyone is satisfied.

And, as we settle into relationships, we establish routines, comfortable things that we do regularly over the course of our week. Maybe it is Friday night Pad Thai, binging some show on Saturday, softball on Tuesday evenings and Thanksgiving with his folks. Habits.

Habits are not a bad thing- they are a comfortable part of being in a couple. But, now that you aren’t in one, you can do whatever the hell you want!

So, what do you want to do now that you are single?

When I got divorced I explored things large and small. I conquered driving in a snow storm and riding a jet ski. I learned out to use a drill. I bought flannel sheets for my bed. I moved to NYC. I hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon and to the top of Macchu Pichu.

And I had fun!

I am in a relationship now and my life has gotten smaller again (which is not a bad thing) but I am glad that I had those years of doing what I wanted to do, whenever I wanted to.

#5 – Create a support system.

This final piece of how to get your life together after divorce is a key piece.

When we are married, we tend to focus on our nuclear family. No matter how unhappy we are, in general it is mom and dad and the kids. Chores are divided, activities are attended, meals are eaten and discussions are had.

Now that you are divorced, you will find that that the other person who was usually in bed with you in the morning and at the dinner table at night will be gone. It will be just you and the kids or, even worse, just you.

Making sure that you have a support system is a key part of surviving a divorce. Do you have friends and family who you can rely on? Do you have a therapist or life coach who understands you and can help you manage your emotions? Are you involved in activities with people you enjoy being with? Is work someplace where you can feel good about yourself and confident in your abilities?

If the answer to any or all of the questions above is NO then it’s time to get out there and find yourself a support system.

Getting started with this second act of your life will be very hard and doing it alone will make it almost impossible. So, pick up the phone and call some friends or family, make sure you see your therapist regularly, get out of the house and try new things and do things every day that make you feel good about yourself.

Trying to figure out how to get your life together after divorce is very brave. And very smart.

Those of us who find ourselves newly divorced have entered new, untrodden territory — territory we have no idea how to manage. And, when we are in a situation we don’t know how to manage, knowing first steps is a great to getting it all under control.

So, make sure that you know where all of your divorce paperwork is at all times, get your finances in order, figure out where to get help managing the small stuff, start exploring life and get a support system in place to help you when times get rough.

Being divorced doesn’t have to be the end of the world. In fact, I am here to tell you that ten years later I am so much happier with myself and my place in the world than I was when I was married.

I do look back at me ten years ago and wished that I knew how to better navigate that first year after my divorce. If I knew more I might have skipped over some of the growing pains that I experienced out in the new world on my own.

So, get yourself together. Spend the time and money necessary to get it done so that you can go forwards, living your best life, knowing that you have it all (well, most of it at least) under control.

You can do this. I promise.

5 Things That Seem Like Red Flags But Are Actually Green Ones

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How can there possibly be things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones? I mean, red flags are red flags, right?

Actually, maybe not!

If there is one common theme in all of my coaching calls its to watch out for red flags in a new partner.

You know red flags, those things that pop up and make you pause and wonder if something is amiss if you should still continue moving forward in this relationship in spite of them.

What I have come to learn recently is that things that you think are red flags in a partner might actually be signs of someone who is ready for a relationship!

How did I learn this? First hand.

My boyfriend had a lot of red flags when I met him and, as we tend to do, I ignored them. I figured that he would change or I could fix him or that I would adapt because I wanted to be with him.

And, for once, ignoring those red flags was a good thing because here I am, five years later, with the most amazing man.

Here are 5 things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones, things that actually ended up being signs that he was perfect boyfriend material!

#1 – Their strong attachment to their mother.

I have written before about mama’s boys and how having a relationship with them can be challenging. I still believe this but I also know now that there is a flip side to this coin.

When I met my boyfriend, his mother was in a retirement home 5 minutes away. He went to visit her every Friday and Sunday nights. Yes, two weekend nights, every week!

When I learned about this, I thought it would be deal breaker. I mean, I wouldn’t want to hang out with his mom two weekend nights and I believed that he would always choose her over me. I did not want or need either of those things!

My worries were completely unfounded. While my boyfriend was extremely close to his mother, their relationship was a very healthy one. The Friday night visit usually involved a gin and tonic and on Sunday we had dinner. I genuinely enjoyed spending time with her. And the times that I wanted to stay home, he was fine with it, and if I really wanted him not to go, he wouldn’t.

So, if your potential boyfriend has a close relationship with his mother, don’t let it end things. Give it time and learn more.

#2 – Their lack of ambition.

When I met my boyfriend, one of the first things that I asked him was what was his five-year plan. Did he know where he wanted to go next professionally? When he wanted to retire? Where he wanted to travel to?

I mean, I had a five-year plan and I wanted to hear his.

When I asked him, my boyfriend just gave me a blank stare. I don’t have one, he said. Oh boy, I thought, this is the end of this relationship.

This is an example of things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones.

What I have learned from my boyfriend is the importance of living in the moment. Instead of obsessing about what is next, my boyfriend focuses on the here and now. He loves his work and does it well but it is not the focus of his life. He likes to work on cars and build things out of wood. He likes to ski and hike and look at the sunset.

My ex-husband was extremely ambitious and I found it very appealing but now I realize that he is my ex for a reason. Being with someone who wants to live his life right now and not be on the hamster wheel always striving to be more successful and make more money, is a wonderful thing.

With him I have lived more in the past 5 years than I did in the previous 50, because I stopped trying to get ahead of wherever I was instead of just being here with him.

So, if your person doesn’t seem ambitious and it looks like a deal breaker, pause and do some more investigating. Of course, there are people in whom a lack of ambition is a negative but it does not always have to be that way!

#3 – Their lack of experience with love.

We life coaches always pause when someone tells us that they have just met someone who hasn’t been in many relationships. Why? Because with each relationship, and each break up, we learn something.

With each relationship, we learn what we want and need. We learn how to judge what someone else wants and needs. We learn how to get over a broken heart and the most productive ways to fight.

We also can learn absolutely nothing and get increasingly bitter as the years go on.

My boyfriend was a newbie when it came to relationships. He had been married for 30 years and, before that, had had a few relationships in his 20s but that was it. And I was sure that this was one of those things that seems like red flags but are actually green ones!

For many of us who are on the post-divorce dating circuit, we find that we meet people who have LOTS of baggage. People who have been so drained by marriage and divorce and disappointment and broken hearts that they struggle to trust or be vulnerable. Who go into new relationships very gingerly because they are petrified of being hurt again.

Because my boyfriend had had so few relationships, he had never had his heart broken. Yes, he had a horrible marriage that lasted much longer than it should have but the end didn’t cause him heartbreak. It caused him relief.

As a result, I have a boyfriend who came into this relationship with an open heart. I called him a babe in the woods because every new phase of our relationship filled him with wonder.

I was very damaged by my marriage and I had developed (terrible) habits in relationships to prevent myself from getting hurt. Those habits pushed a lot of guys away after my divorce. But this guy wasn’t that way. He recognized those habits for what they were and he wasn’t triggered by them. He truly wanted to help me work through them because he loved me.

No matter how hard I tried to push him away, he stayed. Why? Because he still trusted love because his heart had never been broken. It was an amazing thing to witness. I am so very lucky.

So, if your person hasn’t been in a lot of relationships, it might be one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones. You could very well find out that your babe in the woods might be just the person you need to help you let go of your baggage and be happy!

#4 – They are too easy going.

I am 100% a Type A person. I like to always be in charge of what I am doing and where I am going. I plan ahead, make contingency plans, get stressed out if plans go awry. Not knowing what is going to happen next is really hard for me.

I have always attracted other Type A people. My ex-husband was very much like me we made a plan for everything. And together we were very stressed out!

My boyfriend is SO not like that. My boyfriend wakes up on Saturday morning, lies on the couch with coffee and car videos and just chills for a few hours. There are no real concrete thoughts about what the day will hold – he just is.

And then, after he has his time, he jumps up and is ready to take his day on. BUT, because he isn’t trying to control it, he just eases into it. And easing into it makes everything way less stressful!

I never thought I would be able to put up with someone who goes with the flow but it has ended up being the best thing in the world for me because he demonstrates every day that you don’t have to control everything to be happy.

What a relief!

#5 – They more more into you than you are to them.

We have all been there having met someone who likes us way more than we like them. And, for many of us, because we like the bad boys not the nice ones, the ones who actually want to treat us with kindness and respect make us want to bolt.

If you have someone who looks at you with love, who puts up with your baggage, who is willing to actually listen and respond in kind, who doesn’t disappear only to return a few days later with excuses, who doesn’t leave you behind on a Saturday night, keep that guy.

Niceness is not a red flag. Niceness is one of those things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

I know that niceness might seem like it would be boring, not a challenge, but, the truth is, if you have someone who loves you a lot, don’t push them away. Try opening your heart to someone who might be different from people you have dated before. You know – different from the people who are now your exes!

In most relationships, there is always one person who loves the other more. And that dynamic can often flip. If you have someone who seems more into you then you are to them, don’t run. You might find that the shoe is on the other foot sometime in the not too distant future.

So, take a risk. Try out a nice guy. You might be very happy you did!

I know that we all look for things that are red flags in a relationship but I would encourage to recognize some things that seem like red flags but are actually green ones.

Every relationship is different and every dynamic is different so don’t do a hard stop when a red flag gets raised. Pause for a moment, consider that the red flag is there, and why, and then reassess. Might it be time to explore this issue a little more before ending things?

I am so thankful every day that when I met this kind man who was calm and open and hardworking and who adored me. I was in a place where I was willing to open my heart to him and not run at the first sign of something that was amiss.

So, I encourage you to keep your eyes open for red flags, always. Some of them should not be ignored being ghosted, treated with contempt, lied to, cheated on etc but there are those that might be considered green flags, at least yellow flags, ones that should maybe slow you down for a bit, ones that will you look both ways before you proceed! Safely.

5 Reasons to Stay Away from Someone Who Has Cheated Before

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There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before.

I am sure that the person you have met seems amazing, and they might even be so, but if they have cheated before it is a HUGE red flag, one that should not be ignored.

Of course, not everyone who has cheated will cheat again but knowing the reasons why staying away from someone who has cheated before will help you determine if you want to take the risk with this new relationship or walk away before you get hurt!

#1 – They might struggle with commitment.

Someone who has cheated before is someone who very well might be afraid of commitment.

Perhaps they have been hurt before. Perhaps their parents set a bad example. Perhaps they aren’t sure of themselves in the world and struggle in relationships. Perhaps they have trust issues.

Whatever the reason, many people who cheat have issues that make it very hard for them to commit to someone. As a result, once they start getting close to someone, they get scared and so they cheat. They cheat to push their person away before they need to commit to them.

I have a client who has cheated on every boyfriend she ever had. She so wants to be in a relationship but she just doesn’t know how to be in a healthy one. When someone gets too close and makes her feel vulnerable, she cheats. Once she cheats, she can leave the relationship and not have to put her happiness at risk.

My client does this, I believe, because she has abandonment issues from her dad leaving when she a child. She truly believes that any man she loves will leave her. As a result, when they start to get too close, she cheats. Instead of breaking up with them, she cheats so that they will break up with her.

Ironically, this pattern ultimately makes her feel more abandoned because, even though she strayed, ultimately those men do leave her. She is left in this cycle of pain that she can’t break.

She is working with me to let go of those patterns but she is someone who I would caution anyone about getting into a relationship with. She would agree with me there, at least for the time being while she does her work.

#2 – Cheating is a coping mechanism.

They say once a cheater, always a cheater.

I don’t necessarily think that is always true. Some who has cheated before might see the destruction that an affair can cause, to all parties, and, as a result, they might be resolved to never cheat again.

For some people, though, cheating is an escape from their life. Much like alcohol, cheaters use cheating as a coping mechanism for their unhappiness. And, once they start, they can’t stop. They get addicted to the way that they feel when they are in the highs of an affair. When they can step out of their miserable life and, for a few hours at least, be desired and have orgasms.

I have a friend who doesn’t mean to be a cheater but he just is. He meets someone, gets involved with them and he is happy. But then life gets in the way. He struggles at work, can’t get ahead on his bills, doesn’t see his kids enough and has a bad back. He no longer drinks so he doesn’t have that coping mechanism. As a result, to manage his pain and frustration, he cheats.

He loves being out on the prowl, finding someone he is interested, flirting and being flirted with. He loves to be desired and he loves the orgasms. After a night of this, he goes home, feeling somewhat less stressed out, at least until the next time.

So, if you are with someone who has cheated before, especially if it’s more than once, just know that cheating might be a coping mechanism for them, and not a healthy one at that!

#3 – They might have left over issues with their ex.

I have a client whose husband left her after having an affair.

He left her, moved in with this person and ultimately married them. They have been together now eight years and, try as they might, she and her husband just don’t get along.

She still has a lot of anger about how things went down. They weren’t happily married but she was hoping that they could work on things and, if they couldn’t fix things, they could agree to get divorced and life would go on. It didn’t work that way, however. He betrayed her and embarrassed her to the world with his affair.

As for him, I believe that he still struggles with the guilt of what he did. As a result, he is always angry with her. He won’t take responsibility for his behavior and it’s much easier to blame her, because she was a bad wife, she ignored him etc.

So, because of the affair, my client and her ex still have a contentious relationship, one that definitely interferes with both of their new relationships.

This, I believe, is a huge reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before to make sure that your relationship isn’t influence by negative outside energy that is the result of the infidelity.

#4 – They might have impulse control issues.

Another reason to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because they might have impulse control issues.

Many people say that having an affair is a choice. And, yes, I agree with this. For some people, however, it is harder to resist having an affair because they struggle with impulse control.

They might be the kind of person who drinks too much, who can’t eat ice cream, who spends hours glued to Netflix instead of getting their work done. They do want to do things differently but, because they struggle to control their behaviors, they just can’t.

People who cheat are often people who easily give into their impulses, impulses that can be very destructive. Even if they aren’t having an affair, someone who can’t control their drinking can seriously impact a relationship. Someone who can’t control their eating will damage their health. And someone who can’t stop watching TV could lose their job.

So, it’s not just resisting the impulse to cheat. Someone who has cheated before could very likely go down some other avenue with their impulses that could cause havoc in your relationship.

#5 – Because you might never trust them.

One of the most important reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated before is because, knowing that they have cheated, it might be hard to ever trust them. And being in a relationship with someone you can’t trust will only lead to pain and self-doubt.

I have a client who got involved with someone who cheated. She told herself that he was such a good guy and that he would never do that again. As the relationship went on, she started to suspect that he might be doing so. She didn’t address it directly but instead snooped around for signs or proof that he might be doing so.

As time went on and she continued to believe that he was cheating, she started feeling worse and worse about herself. She told herself that if he was cheating, he must have found someone better than her. That wasn’t good enough for anyone. And that she really couldn’t blame him because she was such a loser.

Ironically, he wasn’t cheating but, because he had cheated before, when he started to pull away a bit, she went right down the to the dark side, believing that, because he had cheated before, he would cheat again. And down she went, into darkness and despair.

Because she didn’t trust him, she started to doubt herself. Ultimately the relationship ended and she was devastated.

There are so many reasons to stay away from someone who has cheated.

Again, not everyone who has cheated cheats again but we want to be very careful before we go down the path of being with someone who waves a red flag like that one.

People who cheat might have problems with commitment and they might have impulse control issues. They might be a serial cheater who just can’t stop. They might have issues with their ex, which could interfere with the health of their relationship. And, without trust, your relationship is doomed to fail.

If you are going to take the risk and date someone who has cheated, I would encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. If you have any concerns, tell them. Ask them to be honest with you. If you can talk about the past infidelity and address any signs that it might be happening again, you can stop it in its tracks before it causes more damage than it already has!

You can do this!

5 Ways To Be Yourself in a New Relationship and Make it Last

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I find it very strange how hard it is to be yourself in a new relationship. After all, we are ourselves in every other area of our lives. Why do we struggle to be ourselves as the relationship progresses?

I believe that, when we first get into a new relationship, we feel very confident because having someone new in our lives, someone who thinks we are fabulous, is a very heady experience. And yet, as we become attached to someone, feelings of insecurity can arise because with attachment comes the fear of loss. And the way we act because of that fear of loss can hijack many a new love affair.

Who wants that? Surely not you!

So, how can you be yourself in a new relationship, so you can keep it healthy? Read on!

#1 – Stay in touch with your awesomeness.

Think about the person you are when you are single. When you aren’t questioning your self-worth because of some guy. Who is that person?

Do you have a job that you love and that you are good at? Do you run marathons? Do you have a few great friends who you love to spend time with? Do you like to go to movies and try new food? Do you have a dog that thinks you are God’s gift to the world?

This person is the person you want to remember when you are feeling insecure.

And remember, this awesome person is the person who your guy chose to date in the first place. You with all of your confidence and quirks and wonderfulness. Think about what will happen if you are anything other that yourself as the relationship grows. Most likely, your new man will get confused and wonder where the person he fell for is. He might even break up with you as a result of your change.

Also, remember you are so awesome that more than just one guy out there wants to date you. So, if this one doesn’t appreciate you as you are, too bad for him.

#2 – Don’t stop living your own life.

DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT sit around and wait for any man to call. Or any woman for that matter either. Time spent sitting around waiting for your life to start is time wasted.

You have a life to live, so live it. Do your work and do it well. Go to yoga, eat out with friends, walk your dog. Do all of the things that make you feel good about yourself and do them often.

No man wants the pressure of being everything to a woman. Of their woman staying home waiting for them to call. To have them twist themselves in a pretzel to be what they want. To give up their own passions for him. That woman is one who is not very attractive to a man.

Furthermore, every man loves the hunt and if you are out there, not always available to him, being a challenge, he is way more likely to stay interested in you.

I have a client who literally sits by her phone, waiting for her man to call or reach out to her on Instagram. She watches his activity and feels dejected when he is active but not in contact with her. So she obsesses, checking her phone instead of going out with friends, waiting for him to reach out.

When he finally does, she is really crabby and their time together isn’t what she wants it to be.

So, continue to live your own life. Don’t always be there for him. You will be glad you did.

#3 – Unplug.

One of the things that you should NOT do to keep yourself busy is spend time on social media. As I said above, becoming obsessed with someone’s social media activity is dangerous.

Even on a good day social media can lead us down the road to despair. Fear of Missing Out (FOMO), the fear that the rest of the world is going on around you as you just sit there, on your phone, is a real thing in this modern day. Time spent watching how other people are living instead of living yourself is always time wasted.

My client above becomes so obsessed with her man’s Instagram activity that it makes her physically ill. And, she posts more actively than she used to, wanting him to see her posts and to think of her. And when he doesn’t look at them, she is devastated.

Of course, we all spend too much time on our phones. Do you? I am not saying that you should put down your phone but I am saying that the effort needs to be made to not change our habits, to not become a stalker, to stay in touch with friends and check on celebrities like we always have.

So again, go live your life. Don’t sit around and see what someone else’s life looks like.

#4 – Know he is probably feeling the same way.

The more attached we are to something, whether it be a man or a friend or a coat, the more we fear losing it. And fear of losing something can cause us to act in ways that might seem foreign. That super self-confident woman you usually are might get replaced with the shy 8th grader you used to be. Not ideal.

But do know that while you may be feeling insecure at the prospect of losing this new person in your life, they might very well be feeling the same way too. They might feel like if they text you they could appear too eager or ,if they stop by your desk. you might find them too needy.

And, does that behavior make you feel bad about him or is it some what endearing. Does knowing that he might be feeling as insecure as you are, that you are in the same boat trying to make this relationship work, make you feel more confident?

Try to not judge yourself for struggling to be yourself in a relationship. Instead, make change and you will feel better about yourself and your place in the relationship.

#5 – Ask yourself – What’s the worst that can happen?

This is a question that can be applied to a variety of life situations but its best application is right here.

You are in a new relationship, one that is days or weeks old. One that you have lived your entire life up until recently without.

Ask yourself What is the worst that can happen?

The answer? That you will lose this relationship. So what? There are more fish in the sea. That you will embarrass yourself? You have done that before and survived. That you will actually have a great conversation and maybe another date? Well, that wouldn’t suck.

Keep in mind that the worst that can happen isn’t that you will drop dead if you send a text or that you will end world peace if you ask him to dance. And, with that in mind, take a step confidently in his direction. Being the rock star that you are.

Because really, what’s the worst that can happen?

I know that you want to be yourself in a new relationship. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

We all want to love and be loved. This we all know to be true (although sometimes we are loathe to admit it). And in the pursuit of love we often find ourselves losing ourselves in our attempt to please others.

But don’t let yourself go. Remind yourself every day how amazing you are, that anyone would be lucky to have you, that if this relationship doesn’t work out there will be another (because there will be), and that the world won’t end no matter what action you take.

Remember, not being yourself isn’t sustainable. Not being yourself will only make you feel more insecure in the relationship. Not being yourself just might sabotage what you want and then you will be left devastated.

Be the person that someone wants to fall in love with. Be the person who you can be in love with too.

You can do it!

5 Signs You Are Addicted to Toxic Relationships

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Many of us are addicted to toxic relationships.

It might seem counterintuitive because all we want is a healthy one but many of us choose toxicity over and over and over.

I didn’t realize that, until I got in a healthy relationship, I was someone who was totally addicted to toxic relationships. I don’t know why exactly but I knew they were exciting and adrenaline producing and that kept things spicy, which I liked and was addicted to.

And this addiction kept me from finding happiness with another person.

Are you addicted to toxic relationships? Knowing the signs will help you know if you are and, if you want to, figure out how to change it.

#1 – Red flags? What red flags?

Are you one of those people who sees red flag and who purposely ignores them?

Do you see that your new person is still stuck on their ex or struggling to keep a job or has a temper or tries to control you?

Do all of your friends tell you that those are red flags and that you should run?

Do you ignore everyone, because this person, in spite of their red flags, is exciting?

When I was single and dating, I met a guy who was cute. He made me laugh. The sex was great. But I could see a few red flags right away. He drank too much. Someone who he was engaged to had walked away. He wasn’t talking to any of his neighbors. He had jumped from job to job.

I saw those red flags and I ignored them. The sex was great and we had a great time together.

It did not take long for our relationship to get toxic. We drank a lot together which started out fun but usually ended badly. I noticed that his friends pushed him away and that, when he was with people, he got loud and obnoxious, which made me crabby. He disappeared on Sundays, to this day, I do not know why, which made me not trust him. His job consumed him and the stress of it made him not fun to be with.

We fought and had sex and I hated him and loved him and broke up with him and got back together with him. I was completely addicted to the cycle and couldn’t get out.

Unfortunately, that addiction kept me from finding the relationship that I was really looking for. Walking away from him was what I needed to do to find one.

#2 – You are a relationship jumper.

Are you one of those people who does not stay in a relationship very long?

Do you meet someone, fall quickly, get into an intense relationship and then run, screaming, when the honeymoon phase ends?

I have a client who does this every time. She tends to meet the same kind of guys online, ones who, like her, fall quickly and hard. We have long conversations about how wonderful a certain someone is and how she can see them lasting a life time.

And then, within a few months, something shifts. She gets bored. Things are too good. She starts creating problems where there shouldn’t be. She pulls back from them and starts acting passive aggressively. This confuses her guy and he gets clingy.

Does she walk away? No. She stays in this relationship, in spite of the troubles that she created, addicted to the toxic relationship in spite of herself.

My client says that she wants a healthy relationship more than anything but she thrives on the chaos of a messy one, subconsciously sabotaging any chance of it become one that is healthy and sticks.

#3 – You are a pushover.

Many people who are addicted to toxic relationships are pushovers.

You know what I mean the type of person who is low in self-esteem, who is willing to take endless amounts of shit from their partners in silence. The kind of person who lets their person walk all over them without any repercussions.

So, why are people who are pushovers most likely addicted to toxic relationships? Because, by letting their person abuse them and get away with it, they are choosing to stay no matter what the cost.

I was involved with a man once who used to take me for granted. He would call when he felt like it and disappear otherwise. When we were together, he was hot and cold. Sometimes he would be angry at me for no reason. I was constantly walking around on tip toe, trying to keep him from reacting to me in a negative way.

When things were good, they were GOOD. When they were bad, they were horrible.

I think that I was addicted to those good times. I didn’t want them to go away. And I was willing to put up with the bad stuff to keep the good stuff.

Much like a drinker who is willing to put up with the killer hangovers as long as he can have the booze he is addicted to, so was I willing to put up with whatever to get those moments of happiness that I craved.

#4 – You thrive on drama.

I am a Pisces and Pisces love, love, love drama. It is kind of confusing because we also just want peace but I guess we all have multiple sides to our personality.

Anyway, before I got into a healthy relationship, I absolutely thrived on drama. Any kind of drama. And if there wasn’t any drama in my relationship, I made some.

I had a boyfriend who I absolutely adored. He was a wonderful man and our relationship was one that other people saw as very healthy. And I was so happy that I was with him but I couldn’t get used to actually being content in a good relationship.

So, I would create drama. One night, I went out dancing with some girlfriends, met up with a guy friend and decided to go on a midnight road trip with him. The night ended up with him in jail for running a toll booth and me having to explain to my boyfriend what had happened.

I had no intention of doing anything with this guy friend but, by making the choices that I did that night, I knew that I would inject a little drama into my relationship.

And, boy, did it work. My boyfriend was not happy with the choice I made and he let me know it. There was lots of door slamming and name calling and break up promises. He gave me the silent treatment and slept in the other room.

While I hated the fact that I had let my boyfriend down, deep down I welcomed the drama, that break from the everyday steadiness of my relationship. To be honest, after a while, I found that I was addicted to it. If a day or two went by with no drama, I would make some.

So, if you are someone who likes to create drama in a relationship, you are most likely someone who might just be addicted to toxic relationships.

#5 – The sex is amazing.

So, be honest. Does make up sex turn you on in a big way?

Do you enjoy the sex that you have with your partner but do you LOVE the make-up sex that you have after a fight?

Back when I was single I had the strangest proclivity. I loved to have sex with men as I was breaking up with them. I definitely didn’t want to be with them but the idea that I would never see them again made me super attracted to them. I often had the best sex I had had with guys when I was breaking up with them.

Many of my clients who are in toxic, chaotic relationships, stay because the sex is great. They know that they shouldn’t be staying but they are worried that, if they leave, they will never know sex like this again. Many of them have never had sex this good in their life.

And why is the sex so good? Because, after the adrenaline of a fight, sex can be amazing. All of the chemicals that are coursing through your body heighten your senses and enhances the sexual experience.

Who doesn’t love sex that is amazing?

So, if you find that you crave the intensity of make-up or break- up sex, you just might be someone who wants and needs a toxic relationship.

Now that you know the signs that you might just be addicted to a toxic relationship, are any of them ringing true?

Fortunately, knowing what these signs mean are the first step towards breaking the pattern. Having awareness is the key way to making change.

People who are addicted to toxic relationships are often people who have dealt with things in their lives that have made them ill prepared for a healthy relationship. They believe that they aren’t worthy of true love and deserve to be abused.

I know that in my life, my parents set a horrible example for what a healthy relationship looked like. They both cheated and fought regularly. When they got divorced is was acrimonious and their new partners were toxic. As a result, when it was time for me to get into romantic relationships, I had no idea what to do.

What I know now is that, by staying in a toxic relationship with no future, I was able to protect myself from fully giving someone my heart, to making myself vulnerable to being hurt. By ignoring red flags, by cheating, by being a pushover and creating drama in general, I could protect my heart from being damaged the way my parents had been damaged.

Awareness of these patterns was key to me starting to make change.

You can do this too. You can break the pattern of your addictive behavior, escape from it and live happily ever after!

I promise!

What To Do If Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking His Promises

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Nothing is worse than when your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, even though he says he won’t ever do it again.

And you know that he will because he lies over and over and over. And you have been there for every one of them.

Are you sick of it? Do you wish, more than anything, that, because your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, there might be something that you can do to change things?

I get it. Who wants to be with someone who won’t do what they say they will do?

Things To Do If Your Boyfriend Keeps Breaking His Promises:

Here are 5 things to do if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises so that you can deal with it and decide the next steps.

#1 – Don’t Take It Personally:

First and foremost, I would encourage you to try not to take the fact that your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises personally.

People who are liars are liars. They lie indiscriminately. They lie about where they have been. They lie about the color of the sky. They lie about what they had for dinner.

People who lie are often very insecure about protecting themselves, their reputation, and their place in the world.

When your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, it has nothing to do with you it is about him.

My client’s boyfriend repeatedly promises to join her and her mother for their Thursday night dinner. And, every week, he has an excuse not to. Eventually, my client started taking it personally, believing he would come to dinner with her and her mother if he loved her.

The reality is is that her boyfriend broke his promise not because he disrespected her but because he wasn’t comfortable, for whatever reason, with going out to dinner. Maybe he didn’t like her mom or was intimidated by her. Maybe he didn’t like the restaurant. Maybe softball always happens on Thursdays.

Whatever the reason for his lie, it was never about her that I knew for sure.

#2 – Call Him On It:

An important thing to do when your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises is to call him on it.

The key part is HOW you call him on it.

I would encourage you to talk to your boyfriend after the lie occurs. My client’s case is when she gets home from another dinner with her mom without her boyfriend.

I would encourage her not to attack but to stay calm and clear. Last week, you promised that you would have dinner with my mother. You broke that promise tonight.

If you can stay calm and not launch into accusation mode, you will likely get through to him. If you attack him, he will get defensive, make excuses, and maybe even blame you. If you calmly state a fact, what can he do? After all, he knows that he broke his promise to you.

#3 – Don’t Get Passive-Aggressive:

This is very important. If you don’t call your boyfriend on his breaking his promises, it is essential that you can’t act hot and cold instead.

Passive aggressiveness is the best way to make no progress in a disagreement. Why? Because being passive-aggressive only makes you part of the problem, not part of the solution.

Let’s say my client came home from dinner and ignored her husband. Let’s say she got changed, turned on the TV, and answered his questions with one-word answers. Let’s say she went to bed, sleeping in the guest room this time. Let’s say in the morning; he got no breakfast.

Sure, my client was showing her boyfriend that he had upset her by breaking another promise and deserved to be ignored and treated with contempt. But doing that only gave her boyfriend the upper hand.

When they finally did discuss what happened, the conversation would be as much about her reaction to what happened as to the fact that he had broken another promise. He would be happy to deflect what he had done and focus on her bad behavior.

The discussion would dissolve into a fight, and nothing would get resolved because both of them would be focused on each other’s bad behavior instead of focusing on the cause of the issue that her boyfriend keeps breaking his promises.

So, be direct. Stay calm. And, by no means, get passive-aggressive.

#4 – Accept That Things Won’t Change:

I hear from my clients that they don’t understand why their boyfriends don’t change.

After all, their boyfriends know that they are upsetting my clients, and they recognize that they need to do things differently and promise to do so. So, why can’t they follow through and do so?

Because they don’t love you? No!

Their boyfriends can’t follow through because they are making their promises to make them happy, to stop them from being angry at them. They are breaking their promises because what they have promised is not necessarily something they want to do. They make the promise at the moment to keep you happy.

No person will change their behaviors unless they actively want to. If your boyfriend is going to change, he will have to be the one to want to do it. Until then, no matter how many promises he makes to you to keep you quiet in the moment when the time comes, he will, more likely than not, break that promise. Again.

So, don’t wait around for things to change. Know that they most likely won’t unless he wants them to.

#5 – Walk Away:

I can’t state it enough if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, it is okay to walk away.

I know that it might seem like some of these broken promises aren’t a big deal and that you can rationalize his behavior, but the truth is that you can’t trust or rely on someone who breaks his promises.

And trust is the key to any healthy relationship. Without it, the relationship is doomed.

Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with someone who you can’t believe what they say? How about being with someone who wasn’t there when you needed them because they broke their promise? How about knowing you can’t count on them to help you when you need help?

That doesn’t sound good, does it? Everyone wants someone they can count on, who they know has their back, and who will be there when needed.

So, walk away if you have to. The broken promises might not feel like that big a deal now, but if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises repeatedly, that does not make a good boyfriend.

If your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, I am so sorry.

I am sure that his breaking his promises has done a number on your self-esteem. I am sure that you feel responsible for his behavior and, if you are being passive-aggressive, that you might not be behaving the way you would like to in response.

So, it is time to take action. Remember not to take the broken promise personally. Calmly talk to your boyfriend about breaking his promises, and never be passive-aggressive. Know that unless they want to change, they won’t. And embrace the fact that it is ok to walk away.

You want to be in a relationship with someone you trust, and if your boyfriend keeps breaking his promises, you will never trust him again!

Why So Many Women Fall For Damaged Men

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It doesn’t seem logical that so many women for damaged men.

I mean we are smart, we are wise, we are self-confident, we should know better. Right?

However, for a variety of reasons, when it comes to certain men, all of those strengths can melt away and we are left at the mercy of men who can suck us dry.

Knowing why we tend to fall for damaged men is the key to understanding why we do it so that we can stop doing it! NOW.

#1 – Father issues.

Did you know that women who have a healthy relationship with their fathers tend to grow into healthier, happier and stronger women?  Unfortunately, for many of us, those healthy relationships just weren’t established over the course of our lives.

If you are one of the lucky ones, I am guessing that you might not be reading this article. If you are one of the rest, like me, then you know what I mean.

For me, my father was absent. He was one of those dads who worked a lot and left the child care to my mother. He was around but not present. And when he was present, he was very sarcastic. Whenever I told him a goal or accomplishment, he put me down saying I wouldn’t be able to do it.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and he found a new wife, who hated me, and moved to Australia. Since then, he has repeatedly chosen his wife over me which, in combination with the sarcasm, left me feeling abandoned and unloved. It was the same for my sister.

Since then, my sister and I both have been in a series of relationships with unhealthy men. We are drawn to men, like our father, ones who we believe can fix and hopefully make up for the pain that our dad caused to our psyche.

For me, in particular, I have a habit of choosing men who lie. They lie about anything, literally. As a result, I can never trust them and that leads to a downward spiral in the relationship that always left me heartbroken. I did this over and over until I finally accepted that my relationship with my dad was what it was and that I didn’t have to bring that baggage into my relationships.

So, how is your relationship with your father? If it isn’t a good one, it might explain why you fall for damaged men.

#2 – Make believe.

Think about to every rom-com you have ever watched. You know the ones where the girl and the guy find each other in the end, all set to live happily ever after.

Now, how many of those movies involve a damaged guy getting the girl in the end? Every one, right?

Think of Dirty Dancing good girl Baby falls for the smooth, bad boy Johnny. In The Breakfast Club, Claire falls for the rebel Johnny. In Grease, Sandy falls for Danny. In Lost, Kate for Sawyer. The list goes on and on.

As we all know, we are strongly influenced by what we see on TV and in the movies. From a very young age we are exposed to relationships that are idealized and performative but not necessarily attainable. As a result, we are constantly seeking out something that doesn’t exist.

In these movies, we see the good girl meeting the damaged, bad boy, reforming him and making him fall in love with her as a result. How romantic!

Unfortunately, this story is just movies and TV. Women so want to fix their men but you can’t fix someone unless they want to be fixed. So, women are left there, holding on to their damaged man, believing that if they just love them enough, everything will work out. And it doesn’t, most often.

So, do you use TV and movies as a model of what you believe your relationships can look like? If yes, then you might be turning towards damaged men in an effort to mirror what you see in media.

#3 – The challenge.

I don’t know what it is about human beings but we always need to be challenged, especially in relationships!

Be honest. How many times have you been in a relationship with a guy and said that he was too nice,boring, or that he was boring or that he didn’t challenge you? And how many of those relationships are you still in?

The thing about bad guys is that they are a challenge. We see them as damaged puppies who just need the love of a good woman to make them whole. And we women love to take on challenges like that.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients reach out to me because they are in toxic relationships that they can’t get out of. Without exception, as they tell me their story, they indicate that their person came to them with some issues, some red flags, that they ignored because they wanted to believe that this person was their person and that, with enough love, they could fix them.

As a result of ignoring those issues, my clients are stuck in relationships with damaged men who can become emotionally absent and/or abusive. People who have unprocessed issues can be prone to anger and violence and, unfortunately, the person who is often on the receiving end of that anger and violence is the partner.

So, take a look at your inclination to pursue damaged guys. Is it because of the challenge that he might present to you, the drama that might make things spicy?

I know that you just want a healthy relationship and that you don’t want to play games. And I get that and totally agree. But a healthy relationship is found in the balance between bad boys and boring. A healthy relationship is one where you feel challenged but you also feel good about yourself.

That person is out there for you that perfectly balanced guy who can love you in a healthy way.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, many women fall for damaged men are often women who don’t feel very good about themselves.

I have a client who has spent her entire life struggling. She was raped when she was in high school, got addicted to drugs and was homeless. She let herself be abused by everybody in her life in her hopes of being loved.

She did eventually pull her life together and started a successful business. But, in spite of her success, she still didn’t feel good about herself. She did not believe that she deserved anyone other than a damaged man. Why would a healthy man want to be with her, after all?

As a result, she found herself in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. She would continue to degrade herself, trying to get her partner to love her and to treat her well. Unfortunately, so many of the men who she attracted because of her insecurities were also deeply damaged and incapable of making any woman feel good about themselves.

So, my poor client was repeatedly going down this rabbit hole of falling for damaged men because she just did not believe that she deserved any better.

It is only once she started taking a good look at herself and who she was in the world that she started to see her self-worth and make wiser choices when it came to men!

#5 – Fear of being alone.

So many of my clients live in mortal fear that they will never find their person. That they will be left alone and childless and that they will be miserable.

As a result, my clients aren’t picky about who they chose to love and thus they fall in love with unhealthy guys. They figure that some guy is better than no guy and that, at least, they won’t be alone.

Unfortunately, what my clients discover is that being in a relationship with a damaged man is very often worse than being alone. They do have a partner at their side at social events and they might have children but the reality of their lives is much different.

Perhaps their person is abusive. Or perhaps their person suffers from a mental health condition that makes him unable to care of his family. Or perhaps they have trust issues from a past relationship. No matter what the issue, big or small, an issue can have a disastrous effect on a relationship.

So, consider this next time you are leaning towards falling for a damaged man. Are you doing so because of the man in front of you or are you doing it because you are scared of being alone?

It really is amazing how many women fall for damaged men.

Whether it is because of their past issues with their fathers, the influence of media on their understanding of relationships, their need to be challenged or their fear of being alone, women who choose, and stay with, damaged men are destined for a relationship that will not be an easy one.

So, take a good look at the perspectives that you have about relationships do you need a challenge? Do you want to fix someone? Do you need to find your Danny Zuko to be happy?

Understanding what you think you want vs. what you do want is a good way to find the healthy relationship that you seek so that you can be happy, once and for all!

 

7 Surprising Signs that Your Boyfriend Might Be Cheating

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I am guessing that you are reading this article because you believe that your boyfriend might be cheating.

I am guessing that you are feeling pretty devastated and that you aren’t thinking clearly around what might be going on.

I am guessing that you could use some help figuring it all out.

It’s so hard to wrap your head around the fact that your boyfriend might be cheating. After all, you love him, you have shared experiences, you have hopes for the future. How could he put all of those things in jeopardy by stepping out on you?

Let me give you some clarity by sharing some examples of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating, examples that might help clear your cloudy mind and help you decide next steps.

Here are 7 surprising signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

#1 – He isn’t where he says he will be.

I know that this one might not be so surprising but it belongs on any list of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

A client of mine was home sick and her boyfriend said that he was going to lunch with his friends. She wanted him to bring home some medicine so she reached out to him to ask him to do so. When she couldn’t reach him, she texted his friend, the friend who was not actually having lunch with him.

So, where was he? My client had no idea and it definitely planted some doubt in her mind.

And, yep, she learned, down the line, he was cheating.

Do you generally know where your boyfriend is and what he is doing? Not every minute of every day but do you feel confident that he isn’t lying to you? If not, your guy might just be cheating.

#2 – His sex drive has changed.

Many men who are having an affair have a reduced sex drive. Why? Because they are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere. Not only are their needs being met elsewhere but, after sex with someone else, they have little left to give their partner.

As a result, people who are being cheated on are also being denied sex for themselves.

Interestingly, when someone’s boyfriend might be cheating, this lack of interest in sex can follow a period of increased interest in sex. This can be caused by an unconsummated affair, where sexual tension is heightened but no action has yet been taken. In other words, he needs an outlet for the desire he is feeling for this new person and his partner is there for that!

Has your boyfriend’s sex drive changed? Are you noticing that he wants more or less sex than he has in the past? If yes, it just might be possible that your boyfriend is having an affair!

#3 – He is impatient with you.

People who are having an affair are feeling GUILTY. They know that what they are doing is wrong, on so many levels. And how might that guilt show up? As anger towards their partner.

This impatience is classic projection. Instead of being impatient and angry with themselves, they project their feelings onto their partner. They project their feelings onto the person who they are cheating on, justifying to themselves, in some way, their affair.

If they are feeling impatient and frustrated by their partners, it’s easier for cheaters to detach themselves from them and move forward with fooling around.

So, pay attention to your partners moods. Are they different than they were before? Is he impatient with you in a way that he hasn’t been before? Is he quick to anger and blame around any random issue? Is he not the man who you fell in love with?

If yes, he just might be stepping out on you.

#4 – He questions whether you are fooling around.

Many men who are having an affair accuse their partner of having one as well. Why? Two things.

The first is that the cheater believes that, if he can cheat, anyone can cheat. And so why wouldn’t his partner cheat on him? On some level, he might actually believe that his partner is truly cheating on him and he feels that his accusations are justified.

The second is that guilt I referred to above. The cheater feels guilty for what they are doing and, if they accuse their partner of cheating, it not only makes them feel better about themselves, it also can serve to deflect any conversations that might be happening about their potential infidelity and focus it elsewhere on their partner.

Is your boyfriend accusing you of cheating, for no reason? If yes, your boyfriend might be cheating and it might be time to walk away.

#5 – He can’t answer simple questions.

My client told me that her boyfriend had changed. That, for most of their relationship, they had been able to talk about anything and everything, whether it be chores or emotions or their social life. Now, out of nowhere, he can’t and won’t talk about anything.

When she brings up why he didn’t do something he said he would do, he barks at her. When she asks him why he is home late, he storms out of the room. When she asks him how lunch was with his friend, he says fine and volunteers nothing more.

She says that she feels like she is alone in the relationship, that when she tries to talk to him, she either gets met with anger or silence. And it hurts, big time.

Why might your guy be unable to answer questions if they are cheating?

Again, it might be the guilt that they are feeling around their affair. It also might be because of their need to protect the lies that they are telling around their affair. After all, lying isn’t easy and, the more vague you are with your partner, the easier it will be to cover your tracks.

#6 – He wants to stay home.

Does your guy want to stay home more often then he used to?

Instead of being excited to hang out with friends or go to the movies or to the local bar, does your boyfriend want to order in and watch Netflix?

If the answer to this question is yes, then it is possible that your boyfriend might be cheating on you.

Why? Because he is worried that, if you go out, you might run into the person he is having an affair with, or somehow find out, and that could blow the whole thing up. And that idea scares the shit out of him!

So, are you finding that you are binging Stranger Things” more than usual? If yes, it just might be because your boyfriend is cheating and scared to leave the house with you.

#7 – His friends are avoiding you.

This is a big one.

Guys are horrible at keeping secrets and the last thing in the world that they want to do is risk letting you know that their friend is cheating.

So, what do they do? They avoid you. They go out of their way to not be there when you are around and, if you are, they will make sure that they have as little contact with you as possible.

They do not want to be the one who spills the beans about this relationship and have to deal with the aftermath.

Think hard. Are your boyfriend’s friends avoiding you? Are they not treating you the way they always have? Are they trying to keep their distance when you are in the same place? Do you wonder if they might be keeping something from you? If yes, then your boyfriend just might be fooling around.

Suspecting that your boyfriend might be cheating is a horrible thing.

There might not be anything worse (except for maybe KNOWING that they are).

Unfortunately, when presented with the possibility, it is hard to determine what is real and what isn’t. That is where my list comes in. Read it carefully and see if anything there applies to your relationship.

Is your boyfriend being secretive or vague? Are his friends being the same? Have his behaviors, his sex drive or his communication skills changed? Is he impatient with you or does accuse you of cheating? Do you stay home much more than you used to?

Of course, all of these things might not be signs that your person is cheating on you but, if for some reason you suspect he might be, these signs might help you confirm whether he is or not.

 

 

 

 

 

5 Behaviors That Are Unacceptable in Any Relationship

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It would seem that it would be a no brainer that people would easily recognize behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

You know, those red flags, those little behaviors that you see at the beginning of a relationship, behaviors that make you pause and wonder if you should take note of them or ignore them and hope they aren’t so red.

Those little red flags that, if they are ignored, can grow into big behaviors, behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

Unfortunately, people tend to ignore those red flags, rationalizing that they aren’t a big deal, so that they can stay in their relationship, no matter how toxic those behaviors are.

Because I see so many people rationalizing the things that are happening in their relationships, I thought it important to put it out there, in black and white, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship in the hopes that, if we can recognize how there is no grey area around unacceptable behaviors, we can find the strength to walk away, for good.

So here they are 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationships. Read them and heed them!

#1 – Lying.

In any list of behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship I always put lying first.

I have a client whose husband lies about everything, big and small.

He lies about where he was when she couldn’t reach him. He lies about whether he has had that difficult conversation with his mother. He lies when he is asked a question that makes him uncomfortable. He lies to their kids when they ask him why he drinks so much.

At first, she didn’t recognize those lies. Everyone stretches the truth sometimes and she loved and trusted him to be honest with her.

But, as time went on, she started to notice how regularly he lied to her, to everyone. He would lie about all sorts of things, big and small. Some of them were very damaging, like when there was an emergency and she couldn’t find him and he said that his phone battery died. Some of them not so much, like the fact that he said he tried to stop at the store on the way home but that it was closed, when he had just forgot.

Every time she caught him in a lie, big or small, she lost just a little bit more trust in him.

She came to me, very unhappy in her marriage. She wasn’t really sure why. Her husband was a nice man, he worked hard, he was a good dad and people liked him. She didn’t understand why she was so unhappy. And then she referred, offhandedly, to his lies, big and small, and I knew, right away, why she was so unhappy she didn’t trust her husband.

As we talked about it further, she realized how much of an effect the lying was having on her relationship with her husband, that she couldn’t trust him about anything and that was eroding their relationship.

So, it might seem like a small thing but lying is an unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

#2 – Physical Abuse.

While this behavior might seem more obvious, invisible physical abuse is present in more relationships than one might think.

The image of the abusive husband and the battered wife, one propagated on TV and in the movies, is unfortunately the reality for many women, and men, in this country.

For many people, unless the physical abuse they suffer from is as bad as the abuse that they see on TV, they don’t believe that they are being abused. That what happens to them is maybe a mistake or something that isn’t a big deal.

The truth be told, physical abuse doesn’t have to be the stereotype that we see on TV. Physical abuse can present itself in many ways, big and small.

Common, well known examples of physical abuse are: shaking, burning, choking, hair-pulling, hitting, slapping, kicking, and any type of harm with a weapon like a knife or a gun.

More surprising examples of physical abuse are small things: grabbing someone by the arm, pushing, throwing things, non-consensual rough sex and any kind of intimidation by strength.

I always ask my clients who are in unhappy relationships if there is any kind of physical abuse. Almost 100% of them say no but when I tell them about the small kinds of abuse they are often surprised that some of those things are present.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. Are there any signs of abuse, big or small? If there are, considering leaving. Physical abuse or intimidation is a behavior that is unacceptable in any relationship.

#3 – Verbal Abuse

Everyone fights, right? Relationships are tough and people don’t always agree, so they fight. And, sometimes, those fights escalate and there is yelling and door slamming. They are not fun, fights, but they do happen.

The important thing to take note of is whether your fighting has gone beyond yelling, what it has gone to a dark place of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse can be hard to spot. Below are some examples so that you can ascertain whether it is present in your relationship.

Examples of verbal abuse: name calling, condescension, manipulation, criticism, demeaning comments, threats, blame, accusations, withholding and gaslighting.

So, you can see that verbal abuse goes way beyond fighting. Verbal abuse involves attacking the other person in a way that is destructive, often manipulatively so.

Verbal abuse in unacceptable in any relationship. Is it present in yours?

#4 – Emotional abuse

Another thing that is unacceptable in any relationship is emotional abuse. And, unfortunately, emotional abuse is extremely hard to recognize.

I have a client who is in a very volatile relationship. It is a relationship that involves extreme ups and downs“ where he treats her like a queen and she feels very loved, and then something goes wrong and she starts to pull away and he turns into a completely different person.

Instead of being kind and loving, her boyfriend becomes emotionally abusive. He attacks her self-worth and criticizes every piece of her. He rips her apart for who she is and then disappears, not responding to her texts asking him where he has gone. He gaslights her, blaming her for everything that is wrong in their relationship. And he blasts her for how hard she works and that all she cares about is money.

And, the very sad thing is that my client takes this emotional abuse. She loves him madly and, because when things are good they are so good, she is willing to take the bad too. Unfortunately, the bad brings her down to such a dark place and, each time they happen, it erodes her self-esteem even further.

At this point, after years of this emotional abuse, my client feels so badly about herself that she actually believes that she deserves everything that he says about her.

Not very obvious examples of emotional abuse: when your partner controls your appearance, when they monitor your conversations, when they separate you from your family and friends, when they ask you to do things that they know you would never do otherwise, when they demean the things you do and who you are in the world.

Emotional abuse can be very hard to spot, especially if it has been happening for a while because the abused has been so broken down that they can’t see that what is happening is something that they don’t deserve and is unacceptable.

Are there any signs of emotional abuse in your relationship? Dig deep, ask your friends, reflect on how things used to be. Only then might you be able to see it.

#5 – Ghosting.

For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone just disappears. Usually it involves doing so via text but it can also mean the physical disappearance from one’s life, even if it’s just temporary.

Ghosting is one of those behaviors that is unacceptable in any relationship.

Ghosting has been made much easier because of the advent of texting and interacting on social media. It is easy for someone to disappear in the middle of a conversation or after a first date because the can just delete that person from their phone and never see them again.

And that kind of disappearing can be very painful and often can often leave someone questioning who they are in the world and why someone, everyone, abandons them.

Ironically, if someone ghosts you, it’s truly the best thing that could happen to you. Because they ghosted you, there is no risk that you would have gotten into a relationship with someone who ghosts others, someone you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with.

The next level of ghosting is disappearing and this tends to happen more with people who are in a relationship.

I have a client whose boyfriend makes promises to do something with her and then, when the time comes, he disappears, nowhere to be found. Ultimately, he does reappear, with lots of excuses and charm, and she takes him back.

Another client has boyfriend who, more often than not, isn’t there when she needs him. Her dog was attacked by another dog and she had to rush him to the hospital. She needed her boyfriend with her and he wasn’t anywhere to be found. When she finally reached him, he said that his battery had died and that he was sorry.

Because she wanted to believe him, she did and life went on, until he did it again.

Ghosting or disappearing in a relationship is absolutely unacceptable. It displays a lack of respect, of contempt for other people’s emotions and time. It destroys trust in a relationship and leaves the person who is left feeling horrible about themselves.

So, if your person ever ghosts your or can’t be found, consider strongly whether this is the person for you. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who you know will always be there for you?

There you go, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

If someone is being lied to, physically, emotionally or verbally abused or is left behind when times get tough they are in a toxic relationship, one that they should run screaming from.

And the reason that these things are unacceptable is because they leave the person, you, feeling less than, questioning who they are in the world, perhaps isolated from family and friends, alone and scared.

What every healthy relationship has is mutual trust, respect, honesty, affection, commitment and support. A healthy relationship leads someone to feel good about themselves, safe in the world and supported by someone they love.

Take a good hard look at how you are feeling right now, after you have read this article. Do you feel good about your relationship and your place in the world or are you unsteady and unsure, scared of what to do next?

If it’s the second, it’s time to get out. Now!

5 Reasons Bad-Mouthing Your Ex Will Just Make Things Worse

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After a break up, not bad-mouthing your ex can be next to impossible.

Whether you left or were left, the end of the relationship can lead to anger, bitterness and resentment.

And, try as we might, keeping those feelings to ourselves can be difficult, sometimes even impossible.

I am here to tell you, from personal experience and the experience of my clients, that bad-mouthing your ex will only make things worse, even if it feels really good in the moment.

Here are 5 reasons why

#1 – You won’t be able to move on.

Much like when you still follow your ex on social media, bad-mouthing them maintains a connection between the two of you and not a good one.

A client of mine’s husband left her and, surprisingly, he was very angry with her and blamed her for the end of their marriage. She was angry and hurt and tried to talk about that anger and hurt with him but that made him even angrier. And he didn’t share that anger with her he told others about it.

At her daughter’s birthday party, my client was sitting with her ex and her family. She texted him and learned that his text alert for her was Houston, we have a problem. She was devastated and left the table, crying. How could her husband, the father of her children, be so disrespectful?

She asked her daughter about it and she said that he said that it played well at board meetings. At his board meetings, at work, he was denigrating her in front of others.

And what did this do for him? All it did was keep her connected to him. Every time she texted him, that is what he heard. And every time she texted him, he was triggered into feeling the anger and resentment that he felt towards her.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, while the co-board members laughed at this alert, it really made them uncomfortable and perhaps lose some respect for him.

So, know that bad-mouthing your ex, while it might feel good in the moment, will only keep you connected to your ex. If you don’t talk about them it will lead to not even thinking about them and that will help you move on!

#2 – It will make you feel bad about yourself.

Be honest. Every time you bad-mouth your ex, does it make you feel good about yourself or does it make you feel like a smaller person?

Bad-mouthing your ex can feel really good in the moment. You are releasing your anger and getting positive affirmation from those around you that what you are feeling is warranted. But really, does it ultimately make you feel better about yourself?

Bad-mouthing anyone is something that we have been taught all of our lives is something that we don’t want to do. From early childhood, our parents teach us to be kind. That being unkind to others hurtful and something that we would never want to happen to us. And I am guessing that, as an adult, you basically have a rule that you won’t talk shit about people.

And bad-mouthing your ex is breaking that rule.

So, pay attention to how you feel after you bad-mouth your ex. While it does feel good in the moment, does it leave a bad aftertaste in your mouth? Do you regret doing so, just like when you eat that whole pint of ice cream because it tastes good but then you hate yourself for how you feel afterwards?

If bad-mouthing your ex makes you feel this way, stop doing it. You can control this one thing in your life so do it!

#3 – It might affect their lives.

This is something that a lot of people don’t consider when they bad-mouth someone the long-term effect that it could have on that person’s life.

Another client learned through the grapevine that her ex (who was a co-worker) was telling people that she was bat shit crazy. That she was clingy and jealous and immature. She asked him to stop but he didn’t. (which tells me that he is bat shit crazy resentful and immature)

Eventually the words got to her boss. He called her into his office and told her about the things that he was hearing around the office and that they were making him uncomfortable. He didn’t tell her that he was going to fire her but she recognized that, because he had heard those words, he was looking at her differently. And that wasn’t good for her career.

After a time, her ex stopped bad-mouthing her and her work life got back to normal but things with her boss were never the same. They were both aware of what had happened and they both felt uncomfortable about their conversation around it and it made working together challenging.

My client ultimately found a new job and is doing well but the experience was harrowing for her.

So, if you are bad-mouthing your ex, know that it could have a profound effect on their life, something I am guessing you don’t really want to have happen!

#4 – Your friends will never forget.

This is one thing that we forget when we bad-mouth our ex to our friends. That we can never take back the words that we say. And that our friends will never forget them.

I have a client who had been struggling over the past year with her relationship with her boyfriend. They moved in together and, when they did, she realized that his up and down moods made her feel unloved and disrespected. And, did she talk to him about it? Nope. She talked to her friends!

Countless nights, while taking walks or having a drink, my client talked about all the bad things about her boyfriend, the way he treated her and how unimportant he made her feel. And her friends, because they are her friends, got angry with him and told her to break up with him.

And, when she didn’t, her friends, while outwardly supportive, had her words at the back of their minds, always, They were never be able to accept her boyfriend because all of the bad things that she said about him. And, when she was struggling, they got sick of hearing about it and had a hard time being supportive.

So, know that your friends, your siblings, your parents will never forget the words that you say when you are talking about your partner or someone you recently broke up with. As a result, their relationship with that person will be forever changed!

#5 – You might start a war.

When relationships break up, the goal is to move on with our lives and be happy. And hopefully that will happen but it might take a while for it to do so.

In the meantime, we can be angry and resentful and hurt and not behave in a way that is kind or healthy.

And that could lead to the hurtful words being thrown back in our face.

I know, with my client whose husband had that painful text alert, she no longer made an effort to rise above how she felt about him, to be determined to not say anything negative about him to their friends and family. Knowing that he was doing this to her, she started to do it to him.

She wasn’t proud of what she was doing but she did it anyway. He had left her and to hear that he was bad-mouthing her made her angry. And so, she lashed out. She told their friends exactly how he had left her (which was for another woman). She told his mother that he was a weak man who disrespected his wife and his children. She told her kids that his behavior was unacceptable and the sign of a weak man.

And what did this get her? Satisfaction? No. It got her more bad-mouthing by her ex.

Whereas before he was bad-mouthing her, once she started bad mouthing him his behavior got elevated. He cut her down to their children, to their friends, to her family. He told everyone that she was a horrible wife and that he shouldn’t have stayed as long as he did. That they never had sex and that he was so much happier with his new girlfriend.

And this, of course, led to more, harsher bad-mouthing by her.

And this war affected everyone. Their kids, their friends, their family. And it only dragged out the end of the marriage because they continued to spew anger at each other. They were so focused on the bad words that they forgot to work on looking to the future and not to the past.

So, know that bad-mouthing your ex could only make things worse for everyone. It will prevent everyone from moving forward and set the stage for things to stay bad between you forever.

And that is not the goal. The goal is to learn from your mistakes, move on and find the love that you seek.

So, now you can see that, no matter how good it feels in the moment, bad-mouthing your ex is ultimately only a self-sabotaging act.

If you bad-mouth your ex, you will find yourself stuck in this relationship that isn’t working, held back from moving on. You could cause a long-term effect on their lives and your relationship. And you will kill any chance of them having a relationship with your friends and family if you, for some reason, reconcile.

And, most importantly, you will be going against everything that you know to be right in the world, by being unkind to someone instead of rising above it, and that will only make you feel bad about yourself.

Stop bad-mouthing your ex. It’s a waste of time and energy, time and energy that could be spent healing and finding the love that you want!

 

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