Why So Many Women Fall For Damaged Men

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It doesn’t seem logical that so many women for damaged men.

I mean we are smart, we are wise, we are self-confident, we should know better. Right?

However, for a variety of reasons, when it comes to certain men, all of those strengths can melt away and we are left at the mercy of men who can suck us dry.

Knowing why we tend to fall for damaged men is the key to understanding why we do it so that we can stop doing it! NOW.

#1 – Father issues.

Did you know that women who have a healthy relationship with their fathers tend to grow into healthier, happier and stronger women?  Unfortunately, for many of us, those healthy relationships just weren’t established over the course of our lives.

If you are one of the lucky ones, I am guessing that you might not be reading this article. If you are one of the rest, like me, then you know what I mean.

For me, my father was absent. He was one of those dads who worked a lot and left the child care to my mother. He was around but not present. And when he was present, he was very sarcastic. Whenever I told him a goal or accomplishment, he put me down saying I wouldn’t be able to do it.

My parents divorced when I was 13 and he found a new wife, who hated me, and moved to Australia. Since then, he has repeatedly chosen his wife over me which, in combination with the sarcasm, left me feeling abandoned and unloved. It was the same for my sister.

Since then, my sister and I both have been in a series of relationships with unhealthy men. We are drawn to men, like our father, ones who we believe can fix and hopefully make up for the pain that our dad caused to our psyche.

For me, in particular, I have a habit of choosing men who lie. They lie about anything, literally. As a result, I can never trust them and that leads to a downward spiral in the relationship that always left me heartbroken. I did this over and over until I finally accepted that my relationship with my dad was what it was and that I didn’t have to bring that baggage into my relationships.

So, how is your relationship with your father? If it isn’t a good one, it might explain why you fall for damaged men.

#2 – Make believe.

Think about to every rom-com you have ever watched. You know the ones where the girl and the guy find each other in the end, all set to live happily ever after.

Now, how many of those movies involve a damaged guy getting the girl in the end? Every one, right?

Think of Dirty Dancing good girl Baby falls for the smooth, bad boy Johnny. In The Breakfast Club, Claire falls for the rebel Johnny. In Grease, Sandy falls for Danny. In Lost, Kate for Sawyer. The list goes on and on.

As we all know, we are strongly influenced by what we see on TV and in the movies. From a very young age we are exposed to relationships that are idealized and performative but not necessarily attainable. As a result, we are constantly seeking out something that doesn’t exist.

In these movies, we see the good girl meeting the damaged, bad boy, reforming him and making him fall in love with her as a result. How romantic!

Unfortunately, this story is just movies and TV. Women so want to fix their men but you can’t fix someone unless they want to be fixed. So, women are left there, holding on to their damaged man, believing that if they just love them enough, everything will work out. And it doesn’t, most often.

So, do you use TV and movies as a model of what you believe your relationships can look like? If yes, then you might be turning towards damaged men in an effort to mirror what you see in media.

#3 – The challenge.

I don’t know what it is about human beings but we always need to be challenged, especially in relationships!

Be honest. How many times have you been in a relationship with a guy and said that he was too nice,boring, or that he was boring or that he didn’t challenge you? And how many of those relationships are you still in?

The thing about bad guys is that they are a challenge. We see them as damaged puppies who just need the love of a good woman to make them whole. And we women love to take on challenges like that.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients reach out to me because they are in toxic relationships that they can’t get out of. Without exception, as they tell me their story, they indicate that their person came to them with some issues, some red flags, that they ignored because they wanted to believe that this person was their person and that, with enough love, they could fix them.

As a result of ignoring those issues, my clients are stuck in relationships with damaged men who can become emotionally absent and/or abusive. People who have unprocessed issues can be prone to anger and violence and, unfortunately, the person who is often on the receiving end of that anger and violence is the partner.

So, take a look at your inclination to pursue damaged guys. Is it because of the challenge that he might present to you, the drama that might make things spicy?

I know that you just want a healthy relationship and that you don’t want to play games. And I get that and totally agree. But a healthy relationship is found in the balance between bad boys and boring. A healthy relationship is one where you feel challenged but you also feel good about yourself.

That person is out there for you that perfectly balanced guy who can love you in a healthy way.

#4 – Low self-esteem.

Unfortunately, many women fall for damaged men are often women who don’t feel very good about themselves.

I have a client who has spent her entire life struggling. She was raped when she was in high school, got addicted to drugs and was homeless. She let herself be abused by everybody in her life in her hopes of being loved.

She did eventually pull her life together and started a successful business. But, in spite of her success, she still didn’t feel good about herself. She did not believe that she deserved anyone other than a damaged man. Why would a healthy man want to be with her, after all?

As a result, she found herself in toxic relationship after toxic relationship. She would continue to degrade herself, trying to get her partner to love her and to treat her well. Unfortunately, so many of the men who she attracted because of her insecurities were also deeply damaged and incapable of making any woman feel good about themselves.

So, my poor client was repeatedly going down this rabbit hole of falling for damaged men because she just did not believe that she deserved any better.

It is only once she started taking a good look at herself and who she was in the world that she started to see her self-worth and make wiser choices when it came to men!

#5 – Fear of being alone.

So many of my clients live in mortal fear that they will never find their person. That they will be left alone and childless and that they will be miserable.

As a result, my clients aren’t picky about who they chose to love and thus they fall in love with unhealthy guys. They figure that some guy is better than no guy and that, at least, they won’t be alone.

Unfortunately, what my clients discover is that being in a relationship with a damaged man is very often worse than being alone. They do have a partner at their side at social events and they might have children but the reality of their lives is much different.

Perhaps their person is abusive. Or perhaps their person suffers from a mental health condition that makes him unable to care of his family. Or perhaps they have trust issues from a past relationship. No matter what the issue, big or small, an issue can have a disastrous effect on a relationship.

So, consider this next time you are leaning towards falling for a damaged man. Are you doing so because of the man in front of you or are you doing it because you are scared of being alone?

It really is amazing how many women fall for damaged men.

Whether it is because of their past issues with their fathers, the influence of media on their understanding of relationships, their need to be challenged or their fear of being alone, women who choose, and stay with, damaged men are destined for a relationship that will not be an easy one.

So, take a good look at the perspectives that you have about relationships do you need a challenge? Do you want to fix someone? Do you need to find your Danny Zuko to be happy?

Understanding what you think you want vs. what you do want is a good way to find the healthy relationship that you seek so that you can be happy, once and for all!

 

7 Surprising Signs that Your Boyfriend Might Be Cheating

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I am guessing that you are reading this article because you believe that your boyfriend might be cheating.

I am guessing that you are feeling pretty devastated and that you aren’t thinking clearly around what might be going on.

I am guessing that you could use some help figuring it all out.

It’s so hard to wrap your head around the fact that your boyfriend might be cheating. After all, you love him, you have shared experiences, you have hopes for the future. How could he put all of those things in jeopardy by stepping out on you?

Let me give you some clarity by sharing some examples of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating, examples that might help clear your cloudy mind and help you decide next steps.

Here are 7 surprising signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

#1 – He isn’t where he says he will be.

I know that this one might not be so surprising but it belongs on any list of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

A client of mine was home sick and her boyfriend said that he was going to lunch with his friends. She wanted him to bring home some medicine so she reached out to him to ask him to do so. When she couldn’t reach him, she texted his friend, the friend who was not actually having lunch with him.

So, where was he? My client had no idea and it definitely planted some doubt in her mind.

And, yep, she learned, down the line, he was cheating.

Do you generally know where your boyfriend is and what he is doing? Not every minute of every day but do you feel confident that he isn’t lying to you? If not, your guy might just be cheating.

#2 – His sex drive has changed.

Many men who are having an affair have a reduced sex drive. Why? Because they are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere. Not only are their needs being met elsewhere but, after sex with someone else, they have little left to give their partner.

As a result, people who are being cheated on are also being denied sex for themselves.

Interestingly, when someone’s boyfriend might be cheating, this lack of interest in sex can follow a period of increased interest in sex. This can be caused by an unconsummated affair, where sexual tension is heightened but no action has yet been taken. In other words, he needs an outlet for the desire he is feeling for this new person and his partner is there for that!

Has your boyfriend’s sex drive changed? Are you noticing that he wants more or less sex than he has in the past? If yes, it just might be possible that your boyfriend is having an affair!

#3 – He is impatient with you.

People who are having an affair are feeling GUILTY. They know that what they are doing is wrong, on so many levels. And how might that guilt show up? As anger towards their partner.

This impatience is classic projection. Instead of being impatient and angry with themselves, they project their feelings onto their partner. They project their feelings onto the person who they are cheating on, justifying to themselves, in some way, their affair.

If they are feeling impatient and frustrated by their partners, it’s easier for cheaters to detach themselves from them and move forward with fooling around.

So, pay attention to your partners moods. Are they different than they were before? Is he impatient with you in a way that he hasn’t been before? Is he quick to anger and blame around any random issue? Is he not the man who you fell in love with?

If yes, he just might be stepping out on you.

#4 – He questions whether you are fooling around.

Many men who are having an affair accuse their partner of having one as well. Why? Two things.

The first is that the cheater believes that, if he can cheat, anyone can cheat. And so why wouldn’t his partner cheat on him? On some level, he might actually believe that his partner is truly cheating on him and he feels that his accusations are justified.

The second is that guilt I referred to above. The cheater feels guilty for what they are doing and, if they accuse their partner of cheating, it not only makes them feel better about themselves, it also can serve to deflect any conversations that might be happening about their potential infidelity and focus it elsewhere on their partner.

Is your boyfriend accusing you of cheating, for no reason? If yes, your boyfriend might be cheating and it might be time to walk away.

#5 – He can’t answer simple questions.

My client told me that her boyfriend had changed. That, for most of their relationship, they had been able to talk about anything and everything, whether it be chores or emotions or their social life. Now, out of nowhere, he can’t and won’t talk about anything.

When she brings up why he didn’t do something he said he would do, he barks at her. When she asks him why he is home late, he storms out of the room. When she asks him how lunch was with his friend, he says fine and volunteers nothing more.

She says that she feels like she is alone in the relationship, that when she tries to talk to him, she either gets met with anger or silence. And it hurts, big time.

Why might your guy be unable to answer questions if they are cheating?

Again, it might be the guilt that they are feeling around their affair. It also might be because of their need to protect the lies that they are telling around their affair. After all, lying isn’t easy and, the more vague you are with your partner, the easier it will be to cover your tracks.

#6 – He wants to stay home.

Does your guy want to stay home more often then he used to?

Instead of being excited to hang out with friends or go to the movies or to the local bar, does your boyfriend want to order in and watch Netflix?

If the answer to this question is yes, then it is possible that your boyfriend might be cheating on you.

Why? Because he is worried that, if you go out, you might run into the person he is having an affair with, or somehow find out, and that could blow the whole thing up. And that idea scares the shit out of him!

So, are you finding that you are binging Stranger Things” more than usual? If yes, it just might be because your boyfriend is cheating and scared to leave the house with you.

#7 – His friends are avoiding you.

This is a big one.

Guys are horrible at keeping secrets and the last thing in the world that they want to do is risk letting you know that their friend is cheating.

So, what do they do? They avoid you. They go out of their way to not be there when you are around and, if you are, they will make sure that they have as little contact with you as possible.

They do not want to be the one who spills the beans about this relationship and have to deal with the aftermath.

Think hard. Are your boyfriend’s friends avoiding you? Are they not treating you the way they always have? Are they trying to keep their distance when you are in the same place? Do you wonder if they might be keeping something from you? If yes, then your boyfriend just might be fooling around.

Suspecting that your boyfriend might be cheating is a horrible thing.

There might not be anything worse (except for maybe KNOWING that they are).

Unfortunately, when presented with the possibility, it is hard to determine what is real and what isn’t. That is where my list comes in. Read it carefully and see if anything there applies to your relationship.

Is your boyfriend being secretive or vague? Are his friends being the same? Have his behaviors, his sex drive or his communication skills changed? Is he impatient with you or does accuse you of cheating? Do you stay home much more than you used to?

Of course, all of these things might not be signs that your person is cheating on you but, if for some reason you suspect he might be, these signs might help you confirm whether he is or not.

 

 

 

 

 

5 Behaviors That Are Unacceptable in Any Relationship

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It would seem that it would be a no brainer that people would easily recognize behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

You know, those red flags, those little behaviors that you see at the beginning of a relationship, behaviors that make you pause and wonder if you should take note of them or ignore them and hope they aren’t so red.

Those little red flags that, if they are ignored, can grow into big behaviors, behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

Unfortunately, people tend to ignore those red flags, rationalizing that they aren’t a big deal, so that they can stay in their relationship, no matter how toxic those behaviors are.

Because I see so many people rationalizing the things that are happening in their relationships, I thought it important to put it out there, in black and white, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship in the hopes that, if we can recognize how there is no grey area around unacceptable behaviors, we can find the strength to walk away, for good.

So here they are 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationships. Read them and heed them!

#1 – Lying.

In any list of behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship I always put lying first.

I have a client whose husband lies about everything, big and small.

He lies about where he was when she couldn’t reach him. He lies about whether he has had that difficult conversation with his mother. He lies when he is asked a question that makes him uncomfortable. He lies to their kids when they ask him why he drinks so much.

At first, she didn’t recognize those lies. Everyone stretches the truth sometimes and she loved and trusted him to be honest with her.

But, as time went on, she started to notice how regularly he lied to her, to everyone. He would lie about all sorts of things, big and small. Some of them were very damaging, like when there was an emergency and she couldn’t find him and he said that his phone battery died. Some of them not so much, like the fact that he said he tried to stop at the store on the way home but that it was closed, when he had just forgot.

Every time she caught him in a lie, big or small, she lost just a little bit more trust in him.

She came to me, very unhappy in her marriage. She wasn’t really sure why. Her husband was a nice man, he worked hard, he was a good dad and people liked him. She didn’t understand why she was so unhappy. And then she referred, offhandedly, to his lies, big and small, and I knew, right away, why she was so unhappy she didn’t trust her husband.

As we talked about it further, she realized how much of an effect the lying was having on her relationship with her husband, that she couldn’t trust him about anything and that was eroding their relationship.

So, it might seem like a small thing but lying is an unacceptable behavior in any relationship.

#2 – Physical Abuse.

While this behavior might seem more obvious, invisible physical abuse is present in more relationships than one might think.

The image of the abusive husband and the battered wife, one propagated on TV and in the movies, is unfortunately the reality for many women, and men, in this country.

For many people, unless the physical abuse they suffer from is as bad as the abuse that they see on TV, they don’t believe that they are being abused. That what happens to them is maybe a mistake or something that isn’t a big deal.

The truth be told, physical abuse doesn’t have to be the stereotype that we see on TV. Physical abuse can present itself in many ways, big and small.

Common, well known examples of physical abuse are: shaking, burning, choking, hair-pulling, hitting, slapping, kicking, and any type of harm with a weapon like a knife or a gun.

More surprising examples of physical abuse are small things: grabbing someone by the arm, pushing, throwing things, non-consensual rough sex and any kind of intimidation by strength.

I always ask my clients who are in unhappy relationships if there is any kind of physical abuse. Almost 100% of them say no but when I tell them about the small kinds of abuse they are often surprised that some of those things are present.

So, take a good hard look at your relationship. Are there any signs of abuse, big or small? If there are, considering leaving. Physical abuse or intimidation is a behavior that is unacceptable in any relationship.

#3 – Verbal Abuse

Everyone fights, right? Relationships are tough and people don’t always agree, so they fight. And, sometimes, those fights escalate and there is yelling and door slamming. They are not fun, fights, but they do happen.

The important thing to take note of is whether your fighting has gone beyond yelling, what it has gone to a dark place of verbal abuse.

Verbal abuse can be hard to spot. Below are some examples so that you can ascertain whether it is present in your relationship.

Examples of verbal abuse: name calling, condescension, manipulation, criticism, demeaning comments, threats, blame, accusations, withholding and gaslighting.

So, you can see that verbal abuse goes way beyond fighting. Verbal abuse involves attacking the other person in a way that is destructive, often manipulatively so.

Verbal abuse in unacceptable in any relationship. Is it present in yours?

#4 – Emotional abuse

Another thing that is unacceptable in any relationship is emotional abuse. And, unfortunately, emotional abuse is extremely hard to recognize.

I have a client who is in a very volatile relationship. It is a relationship that involves extreme ups and downs“ where he treats her like a queen and she feels very loved, and then something goes wrong and she starts to pull away and he turns into a completely different person.

Instead of being kind and loving, her boyfriend becomes emotionally abusive. He attacks her self-worth and criticizes every piece of her. He rips her apart for who she is and then disappears, not responding to her texts asking him where he has gone. He gaslights her, blaming her for everything that is wrong in their relationship. And he blasts her for how hard she works and that all she cares about is money.

And, the very sad thing is that my client takes this emotional abuse. She loves him madly and, because when things are good they are so good, she is willing to take the bad too. Unfortunately, the bad brings her down to such a dark place and, each time they happen, it erodes her self-esteem even further.

At this point, after years of this emotional abuse, my client feels so badly about herself that she actually believes that she deserves everything that he says about her.

Not very obvious examples of emotional abuse: when your partner controls your appearance, when they monitor your conversations, when they separate you from your family and friends, when they ask you to do things that they know you would never do otherwise, when they demean the things you do and who you are in the world.

Emotional abuse can be very hard to spot, especially if it has been happening for a while because the abused has been so broken down that they can’t see that what is happening is something that they don’t deserve and is unacceptable.

Are there any signs of emotional abuse in your relationship? Dig deep, ask your friends, reflect on how things used to be. Only then might you be able to see it.

#5 – Ghosting.

For those of you who don’t know, ghosting is when someone just disappears. Usually it involves doing so via text but it can also mean the physical disappearance from one’s life, even if it’s just temporary.

Ghosting is one of those behaviors that is unacceptable in any relationship.

Ghosting has been made much easier because of the advent of texting and interacting on social media. It is easy for someone to disappear in the middle of a conversation or after a first date because the can just delete that person from their phone and never see them again.

And that kind of disappearing can be very painful and often can often leave someone questioning who they are in the world and why someone, everyone, abandons them.

Ironically, if someone ghosts you, it’s truly the best thing that could happen to you. Because they ghosted you, there is no risk that you would have gotten into a relationship with someone who ghosts others, someone you definitely don’t want to be in a relationship with.

The next level of ghosting is disappearing and this tends to happen more with people who are in a relationship.

I have a client whose boyfriend makes promises to do something with her and then, when the time comes, he disappears, nowhere to be found. Ultimately, he does reappear, with lots of excuses and charm, and she takes him back.

Another client has boyfriend who, more often than not, isn’t there when she needs him. Her dog was attacked by another dog and she had to rush him to the hospital. She needed her boyfriend with her and he wasn’t anywhere to be found. When she finally reached him, he said that his battery had died and that he was sorry.

Because she wanted to believe him, she did and life went on, until he did it again.

Ghosting or disappearing in a relationship is absolutely unacceptable. It displays a lack of respect, of contempt for other people’s emotions and time. It destroys trust in a relationship and leaves the person who is left feeling horrible about themselves.

So, if your person ever ghosts your or can’t be found, consider strongly whether this is the person for you. Wouldn’t you rather have someone who you know will always be there for you?

There you go, 5 behaviors that are unacceptable in any relationship.

If someone is being lied to, physically, emotionally or verbally abused or is left behind when times get tough they are in a toxic relationship, one that they should run screaming from.

And the reason that these things are unacceptable is because they leave the person, you, feeling less than, questioning who they are in the world, perhaps isolated from family and friends, alone and scared.

What every healthy relationship has is mutual trust, respect, honesty, affection, commitment and support. A healthy relationship leads someone to feel good about themselves, safe in the world and supported by someone they love.

Take a good hard look at how you are feeling right now, after you have read this article. Do you feel good about your relationship and your place in the world or are you unsteady and unsure, scared of what to do next?

If it’s the second, it’s time to get out. Now!

5 Reasons Bad-Mouthing Your Ex Will Just Make Things Worse

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After a break up, not bad-mouthing your ex can be next to impossible.

Whether you left or were left, the end of the relationship can lead to anger, bitterness and resentment.

And, try as we might, keeping those feelings to ourselves can be difficult, sometimes even impossible.

I am here to tell you, from personal experience and the experience of my clients, that bad-mouthing your ex will only make things worse, even if it feels really good in the moment.

Here are 5 reasons why

#1 – You won’t be able to move on.

Much like when you still follow your ex on social media, bad-mouthing them maintains a connection between the two of you and not a good one.

A client of mine’s husband left her and, surprisingly, he was very angry with her and blamed her for the end of their marriage. She was angry and hurt and tried to talk about that anger and hurt with him but that made him even angrier. And he didn’t share that anger with her he told others about it.

At her daughter’s birthday party, my client was sitting with her ex and her family. She texted him and learned that his text alert for her was Houston, we have a problem. She was devastated and left the table, crying. How could her husband, the father of her children, be so disrespectful?

She asked her daughter about it and she said that he said that it played well at board meetings. At his board meetings, at work, he was denigrating her in front of others.

And what did this do for him? All it did was keep her connected to him. Every time she texted him, that is what he heard. And every time she texted him, he was triggered into feeling the anger and resentment that he felt towards her.

Furthermore, I am guessing that, while the co-board members laughed at this alert, it really made them uncomfortable and perhaps lose some respect for him.

So, know that bad-mouthing your ex, while it might feel good in the moment, will only keep you connected to your ex. If you don’t talk about them it will lead to not even thinking about them and that will help you move on!

#2 – It will make you feel bad about yourself.

Be honest. Every time you bad-mouth your ex, does it make you feel good about yourself or does it make you feel like a smaller person?

Bad-mouthing your ex can feel really good in the moment. You are releasing your anger and getting positive affirmation from those around you that what you are feeling is warranted. But really, does it ultimately make you feel better about yourself?

Bad-mouthing anyone is something that we have been taught all of our lives is something that we don’t want to do. From early childhood, our parents teach us to be kind. That being unkind to others hurtful and something that we would never want to happen to us. And I am guessing that, as an adult, you basically have a rule that you won’t talk shit about people.

And bad-mouthing your ex is breaking that rule.

So, pay attention to how you feel after you bad-mouth your ex. While it does feel good in the moment, does it leave a bad aftertaste in your mouth? Do you regret doing so, just like when you eat that whole pint of ice cream because it tastes good but then you hate yourself for how you feel afterwards?

If bad-mouthing your ex makes you feel this way, stop doing it. You can control this one thing in your life so do it!

#3 – It might affect their lives.

This is something that a lot of people don’t consider when they bad-mouth someone the long-term effect that it could have on that person’s life.

Another client learned through the grapevine that her ex (who was a co-worker) was telling people that she was bat shit crazy. That she was clingy and jealous and immature. She asked him to stop but he didn’t. (which tells me that he is bat shit crazy resentful and immature)

Eventually the words got to her boss. He called her into his office and told her about the things that he was hearing around the office and that they were making him uncomfortable. He didn’t tell her that he was going to fire her but she recognized that, because he had heard those words, he was looking at her differently. And that wasn’t good for her career.

After a time, her ex stopped bad-mouthing her and her work life got back to normal but things with her boss were never the same. They were both aware of what had happened and they both felt uncomfortable about their conversation around it and it made working together challenging.

My client ultimately found a new job and is doing well but the experience was harrowing for her.

So, if you are bad-mouthing your ex, know that it could have a profound effect on their life, something I am guessing you don’t really want to have happen!

#4 – Your friends will never forget.

This is one thing that we forget when we bad-mouth our ex to our friends. That we can never take back the words that we say. And that our friends will never forget them.

I have a client who had been struggling over the past year with her relationship with her boyfriend. They moved in together and, when they did, she realized that his up and down moods made her feel unloved and disrespected. And, did she talk to him about it? Nope. She talked to her friends!

Countless nights, while taking walks or having a drink, my client talked about all the bad things about her boyfriend, the way he treated her and how unimportant he made her feel. And her friends, because they are her friends, got angry with him and told her to break up with him.

And, when she didn’t, her friends, while outwardly supportive, had her words at the back of their minds, always, They were never be able to accept her boyfriend because all of the bad things that she said about him. And, when she was struggling, they got sick of hearing about it and had a hard time being supportive.

So, know that your friends, your siblings, your parents will never forget the words that you say when you are talking about your partner or someone you recently broke up with. As a result, their relationship with that person will be forever changed!

#5 – You might start a war.

When relationships break up, the goal is to move on with our lives and be happy. And hopefully that will happen but it might take a while for it to do so.

In the meantime, we can be angry and resentful and hurt and not behave in a way that is kind or healthy.

And that could lead to the hurtful words being thrown back in our face.

I know, with my client whose husband had that painful text alert, she no longer made an effort to rise above how she felt about him, to be determined to not say anything negative about him to their friends and family. Knowing that he was doing this to her, she started to do it to him.

She wasn’t proud of what she was doing but she did it anyway. He had left her and to hear that he was bad-mouthing her made her angry. And so, she lashed out. She told their friends exactly how he had left her (which was for another woman). She told his mother that he was a weak man who disrespected his wife and his children. She told her kids that his behavior was unacceptable and the sign of a weak man.

And what did this get her? Satisfaction? No. It got her more bad-mouthing by her ex.

Whereas before he was bad-mouthing her, once she started bad mouthing him his behavior got elevated. He cut her down to their children, to their friends, to her family. He told everyone that she was a horrible wife and that he shouldn’t have stayed as long as he did. That they never had sex and that he was so much happier with his new girlfriend.

And this, of course, led to more, harsher bad-mouthing by her.

And this war affected everyone. Their kids, their friends, their family. And it only dragged out the end of the marriage because they continued to spew anger at each other. They were so focused on the bad words that they forgot to work on looking to the future and not to the past.

So, know that bad-mouthing your ex could only make things worse for everyone. It will prevent everyone from moving forward and set the stage for things to stay bad between you forever.

And that is not the goal. The goal is to learn from your mistakes, move on and find the love that you seek.

So, now you can see that, no matter how good it feels in the moment, bad-mouthing your ex is ultimately only a self-sabotaging act.

If you bad-mouth your ex, you will find yourself stuck in this relationship that isn’t working, held back from moving on. You could cause a long-term effect on their lives and your relationship. And you will kill any chance of them having a relationship with your friends and family if you, for some reason, reconcile.

And, most importantly, you will be going against everything that you know to be right in the world, by being unkind to someone instead of rising above it, and that will only make you feel bad about yourself.

Stop bad-mouthing your ex. It’s a waste of time and energy, time and energy that could be spent healing and finding the love that you want!

 

5 Simple Phrases that Will Make Your Husband Feel Loved

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There are so many articles written about what wives need to stay happy but rarely do we talk about what to do to make your husband feel loved.

It’s not that husbands aren’t important. It’s just that the old adage a happy wife means happy household is very important to men. And the adage is accurate so they work hard to do what they need to do to keep their household happy.

And one of the things they do is to ignore their own needs and ask very little of their wives. And doing that over a long period of time can lead to their own unhappiness and resentment and can cause a marriage to really struggle.

So, ladies, it’s time to learn 5 simple phrases that will make your husband feel loved so that you can use them and keep your marriage a happy one.

#1 – Thank you.

When we are raising our kids, us moms are always super busy. And not just with kid stuff. We also get involved with work, fundraisers and other school activities that take a lot of time, time away from our families. And when we are gone, our husbands have to pick up the slack.

I remember in the middle of a fall fair that my friend and I had organized, I ran into her husband and their three kids. The kids were young and hard to manage and he looked exhausted. I asked him if anyone ever said Thank you. He shook his head.

I think about that moment a lot. I know that saying thank you to our husbands for helping out seems like something that we shouldn’t have to do. After all, no one ever thanks us. AND our husbands often don’t do things the way that we want them to, and that can be extremely frustrating, so it is hard to appreciate them.

Recognizing the things that your husband does to support you is very important. Why? Because everyone wants to be recognized for the efforts they make, even if those efforts might not be exactly what you want them to be.

So, next time your husband covers for you when you need to be out of the house, thank him. If he does something that you have asked him to do (or even something that you didn’t ask him to do, even if you would rather he had done something else), thank him. If he buys you a birthday present, thank him, even if it’s something you don’t like!

Think about how much you like it when someone says thank you! Use that simple phrase and make your husband feel loved.

#2 – I love you.

So many husbands and wives stop saying I love you.  And it is not always because they have stopped loving each other but because they have started taking each other for granted. I don’t have to tell her/him that I love him, he/she knows.But doing so, I can tell you, is a recipe for disaster.

I remember when my ex and I were struggling. We still said I love you when we hung up the phone or said goodbye in the morning. One day, I asked him not to. I said I wanted to save those words for special times between us and not use them by rote.

And he agreed. But he was not happy about it.

Our marriage was struggling but my ex-husband needed to hear that I still loved him. He needed to hear that, no matter how hard things got, that I still had love for him. Not hearing it was devastating to him.

Of course, he didn’t tell me that and a few years later he left. And one of the reasons he did, he told me, was because we did not love each other anymore.

So, make sure your husband knows that you love him. It is very, very important that he knows.

#3 – You are hot.

I am sure that this won’t be a surprise to you but, for men, sex is very important. And, unfortunately, as married lives get crazy, sex is often the first thing that falls by the wayside. It can be very hard on a couple and especially hard on men.

And, as a result, to help them deal with this absence, you are hotis one of those phrases that will make your husband feel loved. Why? Because they will know that, even if you aren’t having very much sex, you desire him.

And being desired, for many men, can be as important as actually having sex.

For many men, as they age, they worry about being desirable. Social media has played some pretty serious mind games with us as far as physical beauty and that can make men very insecure. Also, sex has been redefined by the porn industry, something that makes men and women, alike, feel inadequate.

As a result, it is important that your husband knows that you desire him. I am sure that you would like to hear that phrase from him, even though you haven’t taken a shower in three days because of the baby.

#4 – Go have fun (and mean it).

Ok, be honest, wives. How many times have you told your husband that it was ok for him to go out and do something outside of the household but secretly been resentful that they were doing so and are somewhat passive aggressive about it?

When my kids, who were born 20 months apart, were very young, my husband decided to set a goal of running the New York Marathon. An admirable goal and one that required a lot of effort. And a lot of training.

As a result, not only did he work long hours but he also spent a lot of time running. Specifically, not at home with me and the kids but running. And I was not happy.

While I did tell him how I felt, I did not tell him the extent of it. I did not want to be unsupportive so I quietly simmered with resentment. As a result, our marriage suffered in a big way.

I wish that I had been able to embrace the things that he wanted to do instead of feel resentment for them. I wish that I had been able to honestly say go have fun and be happy that he was doing whatever he was doing.

So, if you find that you don’t support your husband’s activities outside of the family, I would encourage you to dig deep and find a way to encourage him to do things and mean it.

I know it’s hard and that you are tired but we all need to recharge our batteries and letting him do so will make your husband feel loved and that will only improve your marriage in the long run!

#5 – I am proud of you.

The final phrase that you can use to make your husband feel loved is that you are proud of him.

Much like I love you, men and women get somewhat complacent when it comes to recognizing their partners achievements. Again, they think that they do not have to say anything because they believe that their partners know how they feel.

Unfortunately, the opposite is true most everyone, especially men, need to hear that their person is proud of them.

For many men, their actions are achievement based. While women thrive on emotional connection, for many men, accomplishment is the thing that makes them feel good about themselves. And to be recognized by their person for their accomplishments feels really good.

And, conversely, one of the worst things that you can tell your husband is that he has done a really bad job at something, particularly if he did a pretty good job but didn’t do it the way you wanted it done.

Of course, it is important to give your partner feedback if you would like things done differently but don’t do it with derision. Do it in a positive supportive way, so that he will hear you and do things the way you want them done the next time.

And, if and when, he does things differently, make sure that you tell him how proud of him you are!

Knowing the 5 simple phrases that will make your husband feel loved is the key to keeping your marriage strong.

Most men are pretty easy to keep happy and using these phrases on a regular basis will go a long way to doing so.

Tell them you are thankful for them, tell them that you love and desire them, tell them that you are proud of them and praise them for their accomplishments.

I am guessing that all of these things are things that you would like to hear as well. So, try them out on your husband and see if you start hearing them back!

You can do this! And you will be glad you did.

 

5 Reasons You Are Feeling Unstable After Your Husband Walked Out

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If you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out on you, know that you are not alone! Having someone you love leave you suddenly would rock even the strongest woman’s world.

The end of any relationship is horrible, especially a marriage where finances and children are often involved. And, when a husband walks out, the woman is usually left in the house, with the kids, trying to figure out how to keep life normal while she and her husband figure out next steps.

And, because you have never done this before, you might find yourself paralyzed, lacking balance and scared shitless.

Understanding why you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out is the best way to figure out how to manage it so you can be clear headed as you move forward, whether you stay married or not!

#1 – You are in shock.

I remember when my ex-husband told me he was leaving me. It happened out of the blue and it hit me hard. We were driving across country and he told me on hour one what his plan was. We had two more days alone in that car, not really talking about anything. I was almost emotionless the whole time. It was weird. And horrible

Once we got back home, I found myself doing wonky things. I sent my husband’s new girlfriend a letter asking her to give us space to figure out our marriage. Not well received. I drove my dogs to the dog park and hit a deer and kept on going. I found myself curled up in a ball when my cat and dog got into a tiff.

I believe that, after the adrenaline of the announcement had worn off, I went into shock. Much like after an accident or an injury, my husbands announcement caused my brain was flooded with chemicals that kept me at high alert for survival. Once those chemicals word off, I was left in neurogenic shock, shock caused by extreme emotional disturbance, shock that is often characterized by disorientation and disassociation.

So, if you are finding yourself unstable after your husband walked it, it just might be because you are in shock.

The good news is shock usually wears off on its own. So give yourself some time. Take care of yourself, get some sleep, have a glass of wine with friends. Anything that will help calm your nervous system and help you to be less unstable.

#2 – You have never done this before.

For those of us who have been through a divorce, we know exactly what it’s all about. But I am guessing that one of the reasons that you are feeling stable after your husband walked out is because you have never done this before. How the heck does one dissolve a marriage and move on?

When we are confronted with a problem, we most likely have encountered, if not the same problem, something like it before, and we have some framework to work with to solve it. Not so with divorce. Perhaps you have seen friends or family go through it but you have never been through it yourself.

And, as a result, having NO IDEA what do might have left you paralyzed and unstable.

I was very lucky. Soon after my husband walked out I met a woman who had been through the divorce process 5 years earlier. Her divorce had been horrible and yet she had made it through and found the love of her life.

This wonderful woman became my mentor and, without her wisdom, experience and guidance, I never would have made it through my divorce as successfully as I did.

So, know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it’s very likely because you have a process ahead of you that you have no idea how to navigate. It is no wonder you want to curl up in bed for the next month or two.

#3 – Your future is hazy.

Yesterday I am guessing that your future was pretty clear. Maybe your marriage was struggling to some degree but you were sure that you would be able to work it out. You had the home that you shared, the kids that you cared for together, finances that were intertwined and, maybe, healthy. You had built a life together and you could see the future together pretty clearly.

And now, today, all of that is gone. And what is left? The vast unknown future. And there is nothing scarier than a future that is uncertain!

I know that when my husband left, I was petrified. Our kids were off at college so I didn’t have to deal with their daily lives but there was still lots of things to manage. And, while he was the one who left, my ex wasn’t much of a planner so figuring out next steps was on me!

So what did I do? I sat down and made a list of everything that I was going to have to deal with finances, housing, kid’s schedules, lawyers, mediators, extended family, social plans etc. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to figure everything out right away but once I had it all down on paper I was able to start thinking things through.

Here is an article that might be helpful for you if you are wanting to plan next steps.

And, to be honest, focusing on details really helped me become more stable. Yes, I was devastated that my marriage was most likely over but taking charge and being the one driving outcomes, instead of being curled up in a ball in my bed, helped me feel stronger and steadier pretty quickly.

#4 – You are feeling alone.

I am guessing that for the past how every many years, you and your husband have slept together in the same bed. You have your breakfast routines, lunch time check ins, evening cocktails, bed time habits etc. And now, out of nowhere, even if your kids are still at home, you are doing all of those things alone.

It is very interesting how many people, even if they hated doing these things with their spouses, and they usually involved lots of sarcasm and bickering, say that this is the first thing that really hits them hard they are now doing all of those things alone.

And for many women, being alone is a very uncomfortable place.

One of my closest friends had never been alone, without a partner, her entire adult life. She was the one who wanted the divorce very wise of her but she found out that, with her husband gone, there was big empty space in the house. She wondered if she every would get used to it!

But it didn’t take long for her to come to savor that empty space. A fair amount of it got eaten up by pets and kids and her work but, before long, she relished crawling into bed, in the flannel sheets that she bought because her ex hated them, and knowing that she was going to sleep well without snoring.

So know that, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, it might very well be because you are feeling alone. And that is ok. And you will get used to it. I promise!

#5 – You are worried about your kids.

If you are a mother and your husband has just walked out I am sure that a HUGE part of why you are feeling so unstable is because you are worried about your kids.

For as long as your kids have been alive it has been your job to keep them healthy and happy. You teach them how to walk and talk and laugh and cry. To trust and believe and have hope. To know that they are loved unconditionally and that you will keep them safe.

Your husband walking out might have a very big effect on all of the work that you have done over the years to keep your family feeling that way.

I know that I fought harder for my marriage because I wanted my kids to have a mother and a father in the house. I was the child of divorce and both of my parents set a very bad example for us around their marriage and divorce and I didn’t want that for my kids. I wanted to do things differently so they wouldn’t have to struggle in romantic relationships like I had to.

My husband walking out put all that I had worked for in jeopardy.

It was a rough few years for my kids. I won’t lie about that. There was a lot of anger and animosity between their parents and they had to deal with a lot of tears and loss. But, ultimately, it was the absolute best thing that could have happened to them, to all of us.

Instead of being in a house full animosity between their parents, my kids came home to a parent who was happy. They got to know their father better because their mother wasn’t around to do everything for them. They got to see their father get into a relationship where he was happy and for their mother to find herself again, build a business and ultimately find a man who loved her completely.

And, unlike my parents, who lied to us for years about the end of their marriage, I talked to my kids about everything that was happening. I tried to be as honest as possible. I let them know that I would always be there for them. If they had any questions, I would always respond in an open way, one that inspired discussion. I do think that doing this differently than my parents did it will help my children to have better adult relationships than me and my siblings did.

Again, if you are feeling unstable after your husband walked out, know that you are not alone.

Right now, there are thousands of women all over the country who are experiencing what you are experiencing and I am guessing that they are feeling like their worlds have been completely rocked as well.

I can promise you that you are going to be ok. Right now you are in shock, the future is hazy and you have no idea how you are going to navigate getting there. You are feeling very alone and you are scared for your children. I totally get it.

But someday, sooner than later I am sure, you will find yourself in a better place. You don’t know what the future holds. Maybe you will resolve things with your husband and that will be a good thing.  (Don’t resolve it and have it be a bad thing. That is a huge waste of time.)

Or perhaps you will be like me, happy, successful, an example for my children of living a good life and being a good person.

I know it is hard to believe right now but, take it from me, and the thousand others like me who have been where you are right now, and believe!

5 Reasons You Should NEVER Give Up On Dating

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I know the idea that you should never give up on dating might seem exhausting to you.

So many of my clients, when they are going through a break up, tell me that they will never date again, that it is not worth the pain.

And I get it. The pain of a break up is intense. And dating is exhausting. And the whole thing just seems hopeless some days.

But I am here to tell you that you should NEVER give up on dating because, in the end, it will be worth it!

And here are 5 reasons why to inspire you to keep up the good fight and get the love that you want.

#1 – Would you give up on something else you really wanted?

When you want something, do you usually go for it?

If you see a piece of jewelry you love, do you save up for it? If you see a job listing that you want, do you update your killer resume and go for it? When you wanted to get your driver’s license more than anything, did you keep on taking the test, even after failing more than once?

Of course, you did. When you see something that you want, you go for it, no matter what the obstacles!

So, why would you give up on dating if love is what you want more than anything? I mean, how else are you going to find the love you seek?

I have a client who has wanted to be in a relationship for a long time. We have worked hard to get her out there; she was on the apps, went to meet ups, bugged friends for introductions. But, unfortunately, while she met some great guys, nothing stuck.

So, about 3 years ago, she gave up dating. She said that it just wasn’t worth it and that she was just going to be alone. And, guess what? She is still alone.

My client is not unhappy. She has chosen not to date and accepts that she most likely won’t find love, as a result. But she lives life to its fullest and she is content. And you can do that too.

Or, if love is what you seek, you can keep on dating, holding onto hope that you will find your person.

#2 – Every date is a new opportunity.

6 years ago, I met a guy on Match. He had lovely blue eyes and we clicked right away but we realized pretty quickly that we would be better off as friends.

This man has become one of my best friends. I would stay with him when I travelled to Vermont from New York City, we would go see disaster movies together and we helped each other through more than one horrid relationship.

I never would have met this man if not for Match and I am forever grateful, not only because he is one of my best friends but because, 3 years later, he introduced me to the love of my life who I am now living happily ever after with.

The point of my story is this Every single date that you go on is an opportunity to meet someone new, and with every new encounter, you open up your world just a little bit.

As with my friend, a date gave me a best friend. A client met someone who connected her with an amazing job. Another gained a whole new friend group in a city she had just moved to. One learned how to ski, something that she had never been brave enough to do on her own.

So, never give up on dating. Like me and my clients, even if you don’t have a romantic match with someone, they could be the person who opens up your world in a new way.

#3 – Dating is a numbers game.

I wish I didn’t have to include this one but it’s true. Dating really is a numbers game.

What do I mean by that? Dating is, like many things, something that one must do a lot of in order to succeed. You must meet as many men/women as you can to find the one who is for you. That needle in the haystack.

I know you are thinking that you DON’T WANT TO DO THAT. The idea of many dates is incredibly unappealing and you just want to sink into your couch.

But don’t. I probably went on 30 dates and had 6 8-week relationships between my divorce and when I met my boyfriend. Most of those dates were fun but I did not get anywhere. (Some of them not so much  like the guy who climbed up on a rock to kiss me, although still declaring that he was 6″ tall). And there were definitely times that I chose to stay home instead of going on a date that seemed like it had no promise but, more often than not, I put myself out there, hopeful. And I met a lot of great guys along the way, and had my fair share of great sex as well!

So, take a deep breath and up your dating game. Go on as many dates as you can without going insane.  At the very least, you might get an interesting few hours out of it and a story to tell your friends!

#4 – You want to keep the energy out there.

I have a lot of clients who want to meet the love of their life but they just can’t seem to make a concerted effort to do the work to find that person.

They list themselves on all the apps and then sit back and wait for people to find them. They stay home watching TV. They play hard to get with someone who expresses interest. And, guess what happens – they get nowhere.

Like difficult things that can be hard to acquire, love requires effort and attitude acknowleging that this is what you want and putting your energy into finding it.

Furthermore, if you carry with you the belief that you are never going to find your person, you won’t. Negativity doesn’t get you what you want, positivity does.

#5 – Because you want to find love.

Well, duh this is the most obvious reason to never give up on dating the fact that you want, more than anything, to find love. And giving up on dating will definitely put a damper on those dreams.

Sit here for a moment and feel what it would feel like if you never found the love you seek. If you were okay being alone but you felt the huge absence in your life of someone to share it with. If you didn’t get the wedding or the baby or whatever it is that you dream about when you think of love.

I am guessing it would feel pretty yucky, no?

So, if there is one reason to NEVER give up on dating, this is it!

If love is what you seek, do everything that you can to find it. And, whether we like it or not, dating is a part of the actions we must take to get the love we want.

So, there are 5 reasons why you should never stop dating. Good for you for reading this far about a topic that you would probably rather ignore.

I dated for a long time and it did get exhausting but I did figure out some things to do to make dating a little bit easier.

I learned to take each date individually, to recognize that it would be an opportunity for me to either meet someone new who I would never see again but who was entertaining (mostly) for a few hours or to meet someone who might be a friend or to meet someone I would have a short, but sweet (and sexy) relationship with.

Of course, I was often disappointed but I made the best of it and kept at it, believing that one day, my number would come up and I would find my guy.

And it did! And yours can too!

 

5 Encouraging Signs that You are Getting Over Your Ex

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I know that break ups are horrible and that the recovery period seems endless but keep a look out for signs that you are getting over your ex, finally, and that you will be able to move on!

When you are deep into the pain of the mourning period, it is hard to feel hopeful that you will ever get past this. As a result, we often miss the signs that we are getting better and this can hold us back from moving forward.

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is a key to moving forward and finding the love that you seek!

#1 – You are feeling hopeful.

Remember when you first broke up? When the world seemed like a horrible place and when you had no hope that anything would ever be ok again?

Are you still feeling this way or are there perhaps little glimmers of hope that the future holds some possibilities and that you will be ok?

When we have lived with feelings of hopelessness for a long time, it’s hard to notice when those little moments appear. We either don’t see them or ignore them, not believing what they signify.

Well, I can tell you that those little moments of hopefulness should not be ignored because they are definitely a sign that you are getting over your ex!

What kind of little signs am I talking about? A feeling of excitement (no matter how small) about some plans you have made with friends. A promotion at work. The muscle that you are building at the gym. That you can look at other men/women and not be completely disgusted.

You will get over your break up, that I can promise you. Noticing little moments of hope are a sign that you are well on your way to doing so.

#2 – You no longer stalk them on social media.

Be honest. When you first broke up with your person, did you spend an inordinate amount of time stalking them on social media?

Did you check their Insta-stories and their TikTok likes regularly throughout the day? Did you try to piece together what their lives looked like without you? Did you look for signs that they weren’t happy after the break up?

Unfortunately, many people stalk their exes on social media. In the old days, a break up was a break up. Keeping tabs on your ex was something that required a lot of energy, something that you don’t need today. Access to your ex is right there at your fingertips!

So, ask yourself – are you spending less time than you used to looking at them on social media? Do you find yourself drawn to things that used to interest you, like cute puppy videos?

If the answer to this question is yes, that you don’t have as much interest in what they are doing and who they are doing it with, then it is definitely an encouraging sign that you are getting over your ex and that you are moving forward.

#3 – You have clarity about what happened.

When we first go through a break up we are so confused about what happened. We often blame ourselves or look outside the relationship to see what might have led to the break up.

This confusion can lead to us reading books about break ups, seeing a therapist to discover what is wrong with us, going down the internet rabbit hole about why break ups occur and what to do to get your ex back.

I know that, when my ex left me, I was devastated. I blamed it on the girl he left me for and I hated her. And him. I spent days and months trying to figure out what had happened, blaming myself for everything.

What I learned, over time and with some help, was that the break up happened for a number of reasons.

We had been unhappy for a long time and finding our way back to each other seemed like a lot of work. I didn’t drink and he did and that got in the way of us communicating with each other. He was very social and I was more of a homebody. Mostly, the reason we were still together was purely financial. And that woman he fell in love with was ultimately the right girl for him.

This process of acceptance wasn’t easy. I had to work hard at it and, after a 20 year relationship, it took some time. But I did get there. I knew that it wasn’t all my fault that relationship issues always involve two people. That staying together for the wrong reasons wasn’t good. That our different social interests got in the way of us being happy.

No longer blaming myself and living with anger at him allowed me to move forward to find the life and the love that I desired!

#4 – You don’t talk about the break up all the time.

I don’t know why but, when we go through a break up, processing and reprocessing it is so important to us! Something about hashing and rehashing things with our friends is the best therapy.

And it is good therapy to talk about what happened. We often have so many questions that we have unanswered, so many emotions that we can’t control. And talking about those things instead of running them around and around in our head is very cathartic.

So, one of the encouraging signs that you are getting over your ex is that you no longer feel the need to process the break up with your friends/coworkers/therapist. That you have found peace with what happened and that you no longer need to talk about it.

Have you noticed that you do spend less time talking to people about what happened? Perhaps you still have some thoughts in your head but they aren’t as destructive and you don’t feel like you need to share them to manage them? Or perhaps you have moved on completely and talking about them is boring.

There are far better things to talk about then some loser who let fabulous you go!

#5 – You are looking around.

When we first break up, we have no interest in getting involved with someone else.

Of course, the inclination to go hook up with someone might be there, as a bandaid, but the idea of getting into a relationship is unappealing! So we keep our head down and deal with the break up.

Have you recently found that you have picked your head up again and looking around? Does the sight of potential suitors not disgust you like it might have in the past? Are you poking around on Hinge, wondering who is out there?

It’s hard to get back on the dating wagon after a bad break up but considering doing so is a very hopeful sign and it is an excellent step towards moving on and finding the love that you seek!

Knowing the signs that you are getting over your ex is very important as far as moving forward with your life.

Many of us don’t notice these signs and, as a result, stay mired in the pain of the break up, having gotten used to like an old comfy sweater.

But it’s important to recognize when it is time to move on. Are you feeling somewhat hopeful about the future? Do you find that you don’t need to know about them, to think or talk about them? Have you made peace with what happened, and are you ready to move on?

If you answer yes to any or all of these questions, you are getting past the mourning phase of your breakup and ready to move forward to get the life and the love that you seek!

Good luck! You can do this!

 

 

5 Things to Choose if You Just Want to be Happy

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Do you wake up in the morning, feeling down because you just want to be happy but most days you just aren’t?

Do you wish you were like other people the ones who are always happy, nothing gets them down? They are successful, have good friends, exude confidence and are just fun to be with.

Would you like more than anything to be even one of those things but find that you struggle to get there?

Everybody wants to be happy. It seems pretty simple doesn’t it? And it can be if you know how to reach out to get it. To choose the right things that put happiness within reach for you, and for everyone.

So, what can you choose if you just want to be happy?

#1 – Choose truth.

You know those decisions that make your stomach hurt. The ones that you make because your brain tells you it’s the right thing to do, not because it is what you really want.

Yes. Those decisions. You probably made one today.

Those decisions are not based on your truth. They are based on some truth outside of yourself, some truth that is based on what everyone else says is “right.” These decisions are not good for you and your body is telling you so.

Making decisions based on what you really want, what will truly be good for you, are decisions based on your truth. These kind of decisions feel good in your body. These decisions allow you to sleep at night.

I recently sent a letter full of what I thought was constructive criticism to an organization I have been aligned with. I sent it not because I wanted to but because of pressure around me to do so. And that letter has wreaked havoc.

I don’t regret sending the letter but I know that doing so has been very hard on me; it has actually sabotaged my happiness these last few weeks. I know that, if I hadn’t sent it, I would have been happier, even though I know that my thoughts might be helpful.

Decisions not based on our truth can actually make us sick and definitely interfere with our happiness.

How do we stop making these unhealthy choices? We listen to our bodies.

Next time, when presented with a decision that needs to be made, pause and check how the potential decision makes your body feel. Our bodies will only tell us the truth. If the decision makes you feel slightly nauseous then it’s probably not a good one. If it makes your head hurt, the same. If it makes your heart leap, then that’s it. That’s the healthy decision.

Listen to your body. Unlike your brain, it will never lie to you!

# 2 – Choose love.

Everyone wants to love and be loved.

And, ideally everyone, would share their life with that ONE person. The one you curl up with at night and eat cereal with in the morning. The one whose hand you hold on the subway and with whom you binge watch Ted Lasso at night. You know the person. The one who makes your heart sing.

If you have a person, don’t let them go. And if you haven’t yet found one, believe that you will.

Even if you don’t have that person right now, know that you have other people in your life who love you: your sister, your best friend, your neighbor. While these people might not be a romantic partner, they are people who you truly love and who truly love you in return.

This kind of love is unconditional and the kind of love that leads to true happiness.

Make sure that you have contact with someone who loves you every day. In person, on the phone or via text (last choice).

And don’t forget to love yourself. You are awesome. Tell yourself as often as you can. Because you are.

#3 – Choose yourself.

You know how you choose to make everyone else happy first?

You go to that raunchy movie with your kids instead of that historical drama you want to see. Or you visit your mother in law with your husband instead of working in the garden? We all do it. And it undermines our happiness.

Sometimes we do have to put someone else’s needs above our own but, really, it’s important to put ourselves first more often than not. Nobody else is going to take care of us and it’s important that we do so.

I spend much of my day caring for other people, and I love doing so. But it can leave me depleted and, sometimes, unhappy. To counteract the effects of giving all day, I make sure that I do something every day that replenishes me.

I take a walk or a watch an episode (or two) of a trashy TV show. I get a massage or grab lunch with a friend. All of these things recharge my batteries and keep me from falling into a place of unhappiness that I might struggle to pull myself out of!

Finally, if you always put yourself last, you will come to believe that you deserve to be last. By choosing yourself, you are showing yourself that you deserve to be cared for and that will not only make you happier but draw other people to you. Happiness is contagious and what you want to put out into the world, I am guessing.

#4 – Choose kindness.

Did you know being kind to someone else is one of the best ways to feel happy? It’s one of those things that many unhappy people are not aware of because they have never tried it. I wish they would.

Choosing kindness doesn’t have to be a big thing. Of course, giving your husband a trip to play golf for his birthday feels great but it’s the little things that make a difference.

Think about the look on that woman’s face when you raced after her to return the wallet that she left in the store. Or the way the barista reacted this morning when, after dealing with customer after customer who had not yet had their coffee, you thanked them with a big smile and a compliment.

How good did those things feel? Did you find that you had a spring to your step that you might not have had before? I know I do.

Being kind is not hard to do but so many of us forget to be in this crazy, jam packed and exhausting world that we live in. Making that small effort to make someone else happy can go a long way to making you feel happy too.

#5 – Choose to believe.

A key ingredient in being happy is believing that you can be. Really. But I know that doing so is not an easy thing.

Why? Because when you are unhappy it’s almost impossible to believe that you ever could be happy.

When you are unhappy and you look ahead, know that you are doing so with that unhappy feeling in your gut. Your future life seems hopeless because you are unhappy right now.

But you have to believe. To have hope.

Why? Believing in anything is the best way to manifest it. Believe that you will get that job and you will. Believe that you will find that love and you will. Believe that you will be happy and you will.

So, how do we believe in the face of the hopelessness that you are currently feeling?

Visualize that job. Feel how it will feel to have it. Store that feeling in your body and summon it when you have doubt.

You can to the same with love. Picture that perfect someone. Feel how it will feel to be loved by them. Picture yourself happy and believe that it will happen.

It really works. Try it and see.

I know that you, and all of us, just want to be happy.

I know that many of us believe that the human condition is suffering but I believe that it doesn’t have to be. And we are in charge of our own happiness and can manifest it by the choices that we make!

Try it. Try putting yourself first, loving yourself and those around you, being kind, being truthful. Believing.

What a difference it will make. I promise.

5 Things We See On TV That Sabotage a Healthy Relationship

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Every time I watch TV (which I do often) I think about all of the things we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship.

Of course, we all say we recognize that what we see on TV isn’t how the real world works but I know that many of us, myself included, secretly hope that it is. As a result, it is difficult for us to keep a healthy relationship healthy because of the example that TV sets for us.

When I express my concerns to my clients and friends, I am always surprised when they tell me that they don’t see what I see but, when I explain it, they totally get it.

To that end, I want to share with you 5 things that we see on TV that sabotage a healthy relationship so that you can try to shift your perspective and find the healthy relationship that you want.

#1 – Storming off.

I don’t know how many of you have watched Shonda Rhimes’s TV shows : Grey’s Anatomy, Private Practice, Scandal, and How to Get Away with Murder. Full disclosure I have watched every episode of every one of these shows.

Anyway, Shonda Rhime’s is an amazing writer and the words she writes for her characters are very human and touching. Unfortunately, her characters are prone to stating their human and touching words and then walking away, leaving the person they delivered their monologue to looking confused/thoughtful/hopeful etc.

For a long time, I thought that this was the way to communicate in relationships. To say something smart and sassy and impressive and then turn on my heels and walk away, expecting my person to either follow me or have some epiphany because of my words of wisdom. Surprisingly, neither one of those things has ever happened!

Instead, giving a speech and then walking away only made two things happen my person never followed me, which made me feel unimportant, and making a declarative statement and then not sticking around for follow up discussion was unproductive.

What I have learned is that, instead of declarative statements, it is important that people have discussions around issues good or bad. It is the give and take of a discussion that settles issues and keep relationships healthy.

So, how about you? Are you a stalk away kind of person or do you stay and talk and work things out, one way or the other? If you are the former you might find that you sabotage your healthy relationship every time you do.

#2 – Quick resolutions.

Shonda Rhimes and other TV writers, have 50 minutes to cover the beginning, middle and end of a story. Because of the time limitations, issues have to be settled quickly.

In last week’s Grey’s Anatomy, at the beginning of the show, a new couple, Kai and Amelia, were lying in bed, basking in the aura of new love. By the end of the show, they were broken up. In the middle of the show, Kai witnessed, first hand, Amelia’s devotion to her kids. Kai didn’t want kids and, over the course of 45 minutes (or one evening in TV land) they decided to break up with Amelia. At minute 48 they did it, quickly and smoothly, and at minute 49 Amelia was left, heartbroken, only to be approached by her ex at minute 50 leaving us clambering for what happens next.

In reality, that story line wouldn’t happen so quickly. A new couple would have the time to get to know each other, would give each other space to bring family members into the relationship, discuss any issues that might arise and either work together to come up with a solution or end the relationship.

The disparity between resolution on TV versus real life can complicate a relationship. People expect for things to wrap up as quickly and as painlessly as they do on TV and they are disappointed, and worse, when they don’t.

So, recognize that our lives are lived in more than fifty minute increments. It’s ok to take your time before making a big move.

#3 – Unrealistic intimacy.

Sexual issues in relationships are an epidemic in this modern world.I believe that it is, at least partially, the result of ever-presence of porn and TV sex scenes.

Over the past 15 years or so, the depiction of sex on TV has shifted demonstrably. When I was younger, kisses were chaste and the act of sex implied. Now, on Prime Time TV, sex is explicit to some degree even soft porn. And while I am not judging this in and of itself, I do believe that this being some people’s primary exposure to sex sets them up for unrealistic expectations when it comes to sexual relationships.

I have a client who has very limited sexual experience and she has found that she is struggling with the sex in her new relationship. She doesn’t understand why it can feel so stilted sometimes, why she and her partner don’t connect like the people she sees on TV and why doesn’t she have an orgasm at the same time as her boyfriend, like her favorite character does every week?

These feelings have left her bereft and not sure if it is her issue or a problem in the relationship.

In reality, neither one of those things are true. What is in issue is her perceptions of what a sexual encounter should look like. That perception is interfering with her enjoying the sex that she has with her boyfriend for just what it is.

And sexual issues can sabotage a healthy relationship in a big way.

#4 – People will change.

Of course, people can change. Every day people do. But, I believe that change is incremental and driven by the person changing wanting to do so.

That kind of change is not what we see on TV. What we see on TV is transformation that just isn’t possible at least not in the real world.

I can’t tell you how many of my clients stay in toxic relationships because they believe that if they do, if they just love their person enough, that person will change for the better. Or if they stay, things will go back to the honeymoon stage that they had in the beginning. I mean, they say, it happens on TV all the time. The love of a good woman changes a damaged man and every one lives happily ever after.

Unfortunately, in real life this isn’t usually the way it works. In real life, a woman stays with a damaged man at the expense of her own health and wellbeing. She gives and gives and gives, loves deeply and ultimately just gets left heartbroken.

I am not saying that people can’t change. Of course they can. I just believe that we can’t make someone change. That in order for someone to change, they have to want to make the change. They have to take the steps. And we can’t take those steps for them.

So, while TV tells you to stick it out, waiting until they change, because they always do, know that doing so in real life might only end in heartbreak.

#5 – That love conquers all.

Oh, how I wish that this last one were true. That love is the cure to all that ails the world. Imagine what an amazing world we would have if love, indeed, was the fix.

Unfortunately, no matter how much we want it to be, love is not the thing that will change the world. And it is not the thing that will fix a relationship.

So many of my clients say If he loved me, he would make this one thing happen.Or if she loved me, she would change. I hear it all the time.

And I believe that, no matter how much someone loves someone, there are just things that people can’t do. A married man loves his lover but can’t leave his wife. A woman loves her husband but work just takes priority some nights. A man loves his wife but still feels bound to see his mother every Sunday, even if his wife doesn’t like it.

The list goes on and on.

My point is this Just because your person can’t do what you want them to do, it does not mean that they don’t love you. What it is means is that they are just a person in the world, a flawed person who is trying to do their best. They love you deeply but they aren’t perfect. And no amount of love is going to give them the strength to make a difficult choice or move.

Unfortunately, what we see on TV doesn’t support this notion. What we see on TV is the person making the ultimate sacrifice, giving up on the thing that they love most for their person. After all, if you don’t have love, you have nothing. Right?

As a life coach, I see every day how the things we see on TV can sabotage a healthy relationship and it breaks my heart.

Again, I watch a lot of TV and am not saying that we shouldn’t. All I am suggesting is that we take what we see with a grain of salt. That we enjoy our shows but know that what we see isn’t necessarily how things work in real life relationships.

Healthy communication, realistic expectations around sex, understanding that love doesn’t necessarily conquer all, and certainly not in fifty minute increments, are all the things that can keep a healthy relationship healthy.

So, go ahead, watch your shows. Enjoy them. I know that I am going to – with my boyfriend!

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