9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

/by

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

/by

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

/by

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

If you are like many women who are going through a break up, you probably don’t see how you could possibly move on without closure. Without having one more time to talk to your ex, to process what has happened so that you can move forward. And I get it.

But, let me tell you, closure is myth.

Closure is just another excuse to see and talk to your ex in the hopes that things might turn out differently this time. And closure won’t really give you any peace – it will just make things harder in the long run.

So, if you can skip closure, there are lots of other things that you can do if you want to survive a break up. Let me share some of them now.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a break up – to block your person. And it’s the number one thing that I just can’t get women to do! Women feel they are being rude, or unkind or that they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person.

And, of course, they are hoping that their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.

When men reach out after a break up, more often than not, it is not to get back together. Its because they are lonely or horny or feeling guilty but not because they want to get back together. So, while the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could very well mean nothing to him. All that will do is keep you attached to him, unable to heal.

And, I can promise you that, if a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you.

Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person to contact you is going to hold you back from surviving the break up. What happens is that you will go through this period of intense pain – there is nothing worse than break up pain. And then, the pain will start to fade and you will perhaps have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of that pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be left right where you started.

#2 – No stalking.

There are so many evils about social media and the biggest one is it being such a huge obstacle to surviving a break up.

Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. Perhaps they might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what, specifically, was happening in their lives. Yes, they had pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly that their ex had moved on.

Think about every time that you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex. Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know that they aren’t happy either? Are you doing it because you want to let them know that you are looking at them because you miss them? Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine that you get when you see them?

And, when you take that peek – what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.

Remember, NO ONE posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Men in particular don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keeping moving, even if they are in pain.

If you let him know that you miss him, you are only giving away your power as he will think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know that they have gotten on with their lives or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!

#3 – Take stock of the things that were off in the relationship.

When we break up with someone it is really easy to forget the bad stuff, all the stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We only remember the good times, all of the things that we did together that made us happy.

Unfortunately, by the time a break up happens, more likely than not, the relationship is comprised more of the bad stuff and not the good stuff, enough so that one person sees that the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.

I encourage you to take stock, in writing, of all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. I also encourage you to take stock of the things that your ex did to you that hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.

If you have a list of these things handy, when you are feeling nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.

#4 – Take accountability for your role in what happened.

When we are broken up with, its very easy to believe that everything that happened in the relationship is the other persons fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they just stopped caring. And I get that. But, the reality is is that there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear some responsibility for what happened.

If you are really honest with yourself you might see that there are things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the end of the relationship. Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt. Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping that they could guess what you needed. Perhaps you bent over backwards to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.

Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, it is important that you understand it. Doing so will make accepting the break up easier and also help you with a new relationship going forward.

survive a break up

#5 – Get up off the coach.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are sitting on your couch or in your bed, feeling sorry for yourself. You have spent the past period of time time reading blogs and looking at TikTok, trying to figure out what happened in your relationship, hoping it will make you feel better.

And I get it – I have been there!

But it is important that you not spend much more time indulging in your break up. That you stop looking for things that will justify your feelings or giving you confirmation that your ex is a narcissist. Instead, I encourage you to start looking up articles and videos that will help you move forward.

If you devote all of your energy to your break up and none of your energy to what is next, you will just get stuck in this place with no hope of getting through it and moving on.

So, spend a bit more time indulging in finding information that will justify the end of your relationship but, soon, get up off the couch, go for a walk with a friend and live a little. When its time to scroll again, look for things that will give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.

#6 – Spend time with those who love you.

Chance are that you are feeling pretty bad about yourself after your break up. After all, you have probably spent some unhappy time in a relationship that wasn’t working, time in which your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.

You are NOT unloveable. What you are is someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now that relationship is over.

What you can do now is spend time with people who love you – your friends and family. People who will remind you that you had a life before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with those people who might make you question yourself. They will only give you more fuel for feeling badly about yourself, something that is not the goal!

#7 – Don’t play the victim.

When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly, walking away from our 20 year marriage, leaving me heartbroken.

One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful, and she looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. That, yes, he might have instigated the divorce but that I had been unhappy for a long time. That I had pushed him away and that I had a role in what happened.

I was not happy at first but then, when I really thought about it, I recognized the value in it. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something that was out of my control then I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.

I wasn’t some victim whose life was going to end – I was a woman who was in a really rough patch but who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.

Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop doing so and move forward.

#8 – Put yourself back out there.

I am sure that the last thing that you want to do right now is to start dating again. And I get that. After all, you miss your person and you can’t picture ever being in another relationship.

But, what I am suggesting is that you put yourself out there to flirt and have fun, not to jump into another relationship that you aren’t ready for.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get back out there with your friends, doing the things that you like to do and the things that you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!

So, put yourself back out there into the world. Get up off the couch and start living again.

#9 – Seek help from someone other than your friends.

I know that I told you to spend time with those who love you and do do so! Friends are key to getting through a break up.

That being said, its important that you not rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Why? Because your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and whats next. They also have personal experience with break ups, experiences that they will seek to project on your break ups even if they shouldn’t. Furthermore, they might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.

I always say that, as a life coach, I am a friend without an agenda. Sure, I have had experiences in my life but I am not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, I will take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you, using my life coach training and the information that I have gained in my years of coaching, to help you get through your pain and start a new life.

I am not saying that you should not seek any love and support from your friends – do! But know that having an impartial person who can give you some perspective on the break up and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quicker.

So, there you are, 7 Pieces of Break Up Advice for Women that Don’t Include Getting Closure.

I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Just know that you will get through it. That you will be able to recover from this break up and move forward. After all, I am guessing that you have survived a break up before and you will do so again!

I promise!

9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

/by

9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

In my experience, very few people set out to have an affair. One way or another, they fall into one – often not even aware that they are doing so.

For both men and women, there are life circumstances that can make one vulnerable to having an affair, things that are important to understand before going into an affair. I know that, for me, I was just plain lonely and bored and when my affair partner came along, he added something to my life that was exciting.

So, let me share with you 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair so that you can understand what issues you might be dealing with that are leading you down this path.

#1 – Their lives are lonely.

I would say that there if there was a number one thing that would make a woman vulnerable to having an affair, or that would lead to someone doing something that isn’t otherwise good for them, its because they are lonely.

Human beings are meant to have relationships, both platonic and romantic. When they don’t have those connections, they can sometimes be desperate to find them. This is the case with many trolls online – they are lonely with their only connection being the internet. For many of them, they are just so unhappy they behave in ways that they might not otherwise have done so.

There are many reasons that someone is lonely. Perhaps it is emotional abandonment of a spouse. Perhaps it is because they spend too much time focused on work and friendships have fallen by the wayside. Perhaps they are shy and have a hard time making friends. Whatever the reason, loneliness can make a woman vulnerable to infidelity.

So ask yourself if you are lonely. If yes, what can you do to fix that loneliness outside of having an affair?

#2 – They are bored, bored, bored.

If you have kids, you know when it is that they are mostly likely to cause trouble – when they are bored. When they have nothing to do and are looking for a little excitement. When its not readily available, they can make wrong choices to cause some drama, and therefore excitement.

Its the same thing with adults – if we are bored we can get ourselves in trouble. Perhaps we snack too much because there is nothing else to do. Or watch too much TV. Or spend too much time scrolling. Whatever we do, to fill the boredom we do things that aren’t necessarily good for us.

A client of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had always been the stay at home parent and he was a huge part of her life. When he was gone, that space was empty. Instead of having him to care for, she had nothing but empty space. And that empty space she finally filled by having an affair with a married man.

She was no longer bored but she was unhappy. That is the topic for another blog!

vulnerable to having an affair

#3 – They are feeling depressed and hopeless.

Other than heartbreak, I think that the worst feeling in the world is being depressed. For those of you who struggle with depression, you know what I am talking about.

When we are depressed we have no hope for the future. We feeling horrible about ourselves and the world around us. We might act out, trying to make others unhappy. Or we might isolate, not being able to tolerate the presence of others.

When we are depressed, we will find virtually anything that we can to ease that depression.

I have a client who was struggling with depression in a big way. She felt alone and hopeless. And then one day she started talking to a man at work who was depressed as well. For the first time in a long time, she felt understood. This mutual confession joined my client and her male friend and, before they knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

So, consider if you might be depressed. If you are so, consider getting some professional support to help you through it instead of using the feel good chemicals that come from an affair to temporary ease your pain.

#4 – They are struggling with low self-esteem.

Anyone who is struggling with low self-esteem can really struggle to make good choices.

Someone who doesn’t feel good about themselves and have no faith in themselves. They feel like they are losers who no one will ever find attractive. They believe that they will be alone forever. They believe that they will never be happy because they are the kind of person no one would ever want to be with.

As a result, someone with low self-esteem would be very vulnerable to having an affair.

Imagine if you felt really bad about yourself – how you look and who you are in the world. And then along comes someone who wants to be with you. Who admires you and lets you know it. That feeling would be amazing – one that you would want as much of you can.

Unfortunately, while at the beginning having an affair might boost your self esteem, know that, as the affair goes on, your self-esteem will deflate again. Being involved with someone who you shouldn’t be involved with, and not being able to let go, will only make you feel horrible about yourself.

#5 – They seek revenge for past wrongs.

This is not a common reason why women have affairs but it does happen.

Women can sometimes have affairs because they want to get revenge for something that has been done unto them.

I have a client whose husband fooled around on her, many times. She knew about the affairs and they devastated her but she was never able to find the courage to face him about it. When she was given the opportunity to have an affair, she leapt at it. After all, if he could do it, she could too. She hoped that she would cause him more pain then he had caused her.

Women can also be vulnerable to having an affair with the spouse of a woman who had wronged them. Again, in my experience, this is not common but it does happen. If someone feels betrayed by someone, if given the option to make that person hurt as much as they do, they just might jump at it.

Unfortunately, while having an affair might feel like you are getting revenge on someone, ultimately, you are only hurting yourself.

#6 – They want to feel noticed and admired.

For many women, they just want to feel admired. To be told that they are beautiful, smart, kind, funny etc. And, for many women, especially ones who are married, they don’t feel admired – they might even feel completely ignored.

Marriage and relationships often lead to complacency – to people no longer making the effort to make their person feel loved and admired. A partner might believe that they don’t need to tell their partner how they feel because they believe their person knows. Or perhaps they just don’t feel the admiration any longer because of lots of unresolved issues. Either way, if someone does not feel admired by someone they once loved, it would make them vulnerable to seeking out someone who does admire them.

And, of course, many women who are single also feel like they aren’t admired. They aren’t appreciated for who they are in the world. And this lack of recognition can lead to the low self esteem I mentioned above, making them vulnerable to having an affair with a married man.

So, consider whether you are feeling ignored. If yes, this new admiration that you are currently on the receiving end of might lead you to down the path to infidelity.

#7 – They have experienced trauma.

For many of us, dealing with trauma is something that we have little experience in. Therefore, when we experience a tragedy, we often have no idea how to deal with it.

And trauma comes in all different shapes and sizes. It can be the death of a parent. It can be losing a dream job. It can be a divorce. Or the loss of a pet.

Whatever the reason, trauma can really shake up ones life and getting through it can be very difficult.

I had a client who was taking care of her mother as she slowly died from cancer. She was consumed with taking care of her mother, watching her suffer. The feelings that she were feeling were completely overwhelming.

When the parent of one of her son’s school friends reached out to her because he had experienced the same thing, she immediately connected with him. Not only did he understand what she was going through, he was proof that you could come out the other side of grief intact.

She spent more and more time with him, getting the emotional support that she needed to manage her mom’s cancer and, before she knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

Unfortunately, while the affair for a while helped ease her pain, with time, it only made things worse.

#8 – They have been abandoned emotionally.

I often say that its easier to be single and not getting love than being married and being emotionally abandoned. After all, there is someone right in front of them who should be filling their emotional needs and they are just failing to do so.

And, particularly for women, not having our emotional needs met can make us off kilter in a big way. We seek emotional connection wherever we can, just wanted to feel something from someone else.

What could be the best place to access this kind of emotional connection? Perhaps someone else who is feeling the same way – no longer loved by their partner. When two people who have been emotionally abandoned meet, they can see and feel, for the first time in a long time, what it feels like to be loved.

And that, I am afraid, is intoxicating.

#9 – They are horny.

Sex might seem, especially to someone who has never had an affair, as the reason why affairs happen. After all, this is how society tends to frame infidelity – all about the illicit sex.

That being said, in my experience, very few of my clients have an affair because they are seeking sex. More often, they are vulnerable for all the reasons that I listed above and, when they find that support dealing with these issues, the get support and they develop feelings.

And, for many people, they might develop feelings for this person but they firmly believe that they will never have sex with them. And then, because they get so connected to this person, they find themselves being intimate with them.

So, just wanting sex can definitely be something that makes a woman vulnerable to having an affair but, in my experience, it is more often a motivating factor for men instead of women.

So, there you go – 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair.

Of course, all women who are dealing with these issues won’t fall into having an affair. They will either live with them or seek help to deal with them, hopefully finding some peace in their lives. But, many women who are struggling with feeing generally bad about themselves and their place in the world are the kind of women who might seek solace somewhere, often finding it somewhere that, ultimately, might only make things worse!

 

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

/by

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

When women enter into affairs with married men, they go in being overwhelmed with lust and love and believing that they have finally found their soul mate. Being with this man, even though he is married, is worth any risk.

And I get it. I have been there. But, let me tell you, as the affair drags on, that lust and love will fall to the wayside and other emotions will take over. And these emotions are not good.

Perhaps understanding the consequences of dating a married man before you start doing so will help you not enter into the affair in the first place and save you a whole lot of heartache.

To that end, here are 9 consequences of dating a married man for you to consider before you take next steps.

#1 – You will get addicted to the relationship and be unable to let go.

So many of my clients tell me that when they started their affair with a married man, they were determined to only get intimate once. They had fallen in love with their person over a period of time and with that love came attraction. They felt like feeling their emotions was ok but that having sex would be over the line. So, as the attraction built, they told themselves that they could get some release if they just had sex one time.

Yeah, right. I am afraid that it doesn’t work that way.

On the most basic level, when a woman has sex with someone she, more often than not, becomes more attached to that person. It doesn’t work this way for men but for women it does. So, when my clients have sex with their married man, they got more attached, not less.

And, as the relationship goes on, they could only focus on getting both that love and the affection. It became like an addiction. The feel-good chemical, dopamine, that was released every time they were together was something that they felt like they couldn’t live without. They developed a physical need to be with their person, no matter the consequences, all the time. When they didn’t get them, they sunk into a depression until the next time.

If you found yourself addicted to a drug or alcohol, it would be clear to see and perhaps you could get help. With a relationship with a married man, the addiction is harder to spot and therefore more insidious.

#2 – You will lose touch with who you are as a person.

When I was having an affair with a married man, I totally lost myself.

Before I started up with him, I was a woman in a great place in my life. I had recently moved to NYC, my coaching business was ramping up and I felt really strong and healthy. And then, the man who I had been in unrequited love with in college appeared on my doorstep and that was that for me. I put myself to the side and embarked on what promised to be the love affair of all love affairs.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

As the affair continued, I started to lose sight of everything that was good about me. I was no longer the single girl living my best life in NYC and I was now the pathetic other woman who waited around for a man to give her some time.

After a year of this, I found that I had become a shell of the person who I was when I fell in love with my married man. That person who had felt so good about her place in the world was gone.

dating a married man

#3 – You will put your own life on hold.

One of the worst part of being involved with a married man is that your time no longer becomes your own. Because your married man has a wife and a family and a whole other life, they will not be available to you at regular intervals. As a result, you will spend a ton of time alone, waiting for your man to become available. Time that you would have spent out there living your life will be spent waiting by the phone for your man to call.

Furthermore, the longer that you are involved with a married man, the less likely it will be that you can find someone else to love you, someone who is available and ready to build a relationship with you. Many women who are having affairs with married men try to date on the side, trying to get away from their married man. Let me tell you – it never works! As long as your energy is focused on your married man, you will never meet someone else.

Life is short. Wasting even a minute of it on someone who can’t give you the best life and who can’t make you a priority will only hold you back from living yours.

#4 – You could damage your relationship with your friends.

For many of my clients, when they are having a relationship with a married man they sometimes lose their friendships.

This happens for many reasons. They lose them because their friends don’t approve of what the affair or, worse, because the friends know that something is being kept from them if they aren’t told about what is going on. Or, they have to spend a ton of time processing the affair, giving out advice that is ignored. Or, they no longer get time with their friends because they are waiting around for their lover to have time for them.

Losing friends because of an affair is bad for many reasons. You are letting go of people you were with you when you weren’t with this guy, that person your friends loved. Not having friends who will spend time with you will only isolate you further. And, when you finally decide to let go of your married man (which you hopefully will), you will have no friends to help you get through it.

Take a look around at your friends – are they worth sacrificing for some guy?

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

Imagine spending the next period of time not being your man’s priority. Being the person who gets left alone on Christmases and your birthday. Who can’t travel because you want to be available for your lover. Who knows that there are many reasons why he won’t be there when you need him.

And, imagine being on the receiving end of promises that your man will leave his wife. Or that you are the love of his life and that he could never love his wife again. Or that he will be there when you need him. Being repeatedly made promises to that are broken.

If you are in a relationship where you are lied to and let down, its hard for it not to wreck your self esteem. After all, you are repeatedly treated like you aren’t a priority, like you are second choice to a man who loves you.

And, the more your self esteem gets damaged, the less likely you are to see that you deserve more than a half-assed relationship with a guy who truly isn’t available.

#6 – Your will no longer be able to trust any man.

One of the worst parts of being involved with a married man is the lies. The lies that he will be there when you need him; that he will leave his wife; that you will live happily ever after.

Now, I truly believe that many married men believe their promises, that they really will be able to put their lover first and leave their wives, but they NEVER do. I don’t know a single married man who has left his wife and lived happily ever after with his lover.

For a woman, being lied to over and over by someone who says they love them will ultimately scar them enough that the idea of ever trusting another man will be untenable. After all, if your lover can do this over and over, why can’t any other man?

#7 – You will become obsessed with him and the situation.

As I have said above, when you are in a relationship with a married man, you will lose yourself. Your self-esteem will be damaged. You might even lose your friends. And the primary reason for this is because you will become obsessed with the relationship and the idea that he won’t leave his wife.

Without exception, my clients who are having affairs with married men spend every minute of their day thinking about him and the situation. They think about when they will see them. What they will wear when they do. They wonder if their married man will have to change his plans. What if he can’t stay as long as he said he would?

Furthermore, my clients wonder why their married man won’t follow through on his promises – to leave his wife and to be with them. They think about it constantly and a significant part of the time they spend with their person is spent discussing just this topic – why he won’t leave.

My clients try to talk their partner into the reasons they should leave. They ask for details of every minute that their partner spend with their wives. They cry and scream and promise to leave, all in the vain attempt to settle the situation and ease their pain.

And, unfortunately, the obsession will never stop because your married man will never leave his wife, no matter what he promises. Leaving his wife means leaving his family and damaging his finances and that he will never do!

#8 – You will vitality will be sapped.

Think about how you take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. When you are depressed or angry or frustrated or whatever. Ideally, when you are feeling that way, you get outside and exercise, to work off your feelings.

Unfortunately, what happens more often is that women don’t take care of themselves when they are feeling some way. They take to the couch with ice cream or they stay up all night watching “Love is Blind.” They stop sleeping and stop eating well and their mental and physical health slowly falls apart.

When someone is feeling unhealthy and not good about themselves, it is impossible to make a good decision about anything.  Having low self esteem and having difficulty thinking clearly only leads someone to continue to make bad decisions or to not make any decisions at all. As a result, they stay stuck in a situation, namely their affair, that is killing them.

#9 – You will not live happily ever after.

I know. I know.  You are probably thinking that none of the things above will apply to you and your lover. After all, your love is one for the ages and nothing is going to get in the way of the two of you being together. Your man worships you and will take the steps that he needs to take to keep his promises and make you happy.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way – and not because he doesn’t love you and you don’t have a good connection.

It happens because your lover is weak and just won’t be able to leave his wife and his family.

As I said above, a man might want to leave his wife because he is unhappy with her but he doesn’t want to leave his children. He doesn’t want to risk a healthy relationship with his kids. He doesn’t want to mess up the finances he has spent his adult life building. He doesn’t want to have to abandon the social life that he and his wife have created together.

And so, in spite of his promises and good intentions, your married man just won’t leave. I am sorry but it is true.

So there you go, 9 surprising consequences that will happen if you are dating a married man.

Again, most of my clients don’t believe when I share with them what I have learned over the years from working with hundreds of clients in the same situation. They truly believe that their relationship is different and that it will work out.

But, sooner than later, they see that I am correct. That they are miserable and that, even though they might hold out hope, their affair is not going to end the way that they hoped it would.

Again, your lover might love you – and I am sure he does – but being in affair will ensure that you no longer love yourself. This, I am afraid, will cause more destruction then you ever could image right now as you read this article, madly in love, thinking about having an affair.

The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

/by


The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

/by

Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. The physical, mental and emotional pain can be so intense that sometimes its easy to question whether it is survivable.

But I can promise you that no one has ever died of a broken heart and that, sooner or later, the pain will fade and you will move forward with your life. One key element of doing so is to emotionally detach from what has happened, at least for some period of the time.

Of course, a key part of getting through any kind of pain is to feel the pain, to not stuff it down, but to let it run through your body and then let it go. Stuffing pain down into your body will only trap it there and the pain will only get worse. That being said, feeling that pain all the time will suck you physically and psychically dry so emotionally detaching is an important part of the healing process.

A dozen years of working with clients who are struggling has given me unique insight into what works best to emotionally detach when going through a break up. Let me share some of those insights now.

#1 – Take a yoga class.

I remember when a friend was going through a break up, I recommended that she take up yoga. It had helped me get through my divorce in a big way. She rolled her eyes at me and asked me why everyone was telling her to do yoga.

6 months later she was a yoga instructor.

The thing about yoga is that it quiets the mind in more ways that one. Practicing yoga poses is complicated (and intimidating, I know) and doing them takes a fair amount of concentration. When you are concentrating on doing a yoga pose correctly, you just can’t think about your break up. Furthermore, much of yoga is about consciously quieting the mind, trying to think about nothing at all. Its incredibly hard to do but, even if you can do it for a few seconds, it gives your brain a break from thinking about your pain.

Of course, when yoga is done, you might go back to thinking about the break up and feeling the pain but you will have had a 1.5 hour break from feeling the pain, something that will be good for both your body and soul.

#2 – Use social media to help you heal not to hurt.

Be honest. How much time have you spent since your break up on social media, looking for information on narcissists or people who cheat or emotional trauma or toxic relationships? A fair amount I am guessing. And the time that you spend doing these things might feel perversely good. You are able to focus on everything that is wrong with the other person and interact with people who are going through the same thing, Unfortunately, repeatedly doing this will only keep you completely attached to your pain.

When you are seeking out information on the toxic aspects of things, you will only find the most toxic aspects of things. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain.

And, of course, seeung to do with your ex, ANYTHING, will take you to a bad place.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up, in order to emotionally detach and move forward, I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity, even if only for a short time.

#3 – If you can, get out of town.

I have a client who has been devastated by a break up. She found out that her partner of 4.5 years had another girlfriend and, when she found out, that man chose the other woman. The pain that she was feeling was intense; she described it as a physical pain that was consuming her body.

Fortunately, about three weeks into her break up, she had a business trip scheduled out of town. It wasn’t something that she was looking forward to because she was still wallowing in her pain but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to her, emotionally.

Being out of town disconnected her from painful memories of her ex and the things that they did together. She ate at new restaurants and saw things that she hadn’t seen before. She met new people, people who know nothing about what she was struggling with. For 3 full days, she spent more time not focused on her pain which gave her mind and her body a break.

Of course, when she went home, the pain came back but not nearly as strong as it had been before she left and she felt a little bit more capable of handling it.

emotionally disconnect after break up

#4 – Spend time with people who love you – with no talk about the break up.

I know that you are feeling a ton of pain and feel like your life will never be the same. And I get that. But the reality is is that, most likely, before you met your ex you had lived a full life, a life without them in it, and that you were happy.

And a huge part of the time that you lived before he came into your life involved good friends and  loving family. Friends and family who you experienced life with. Friends and family who supported you through bad times and celebrated good ones with you. Friends and family who think you are wonderful and make you feel loved.

If you can spend time with friends and family, time spent not focusing on your break up but focusing on the life that you have always had, you will be able to emotionally detach even for a few hours, giving yourself a break from the pain.

#5 – Get out there for a walk or a run, AirPods in your ears.

I know. The last thing that you feel like doing right now is getting off the couch, putting your sneakers on and getting outside. But, if you want to emotionally detach from your pain, getting out there will be the best thing that you do.

Walking or running is very rhythmic. When we walk or run we, consciously or not, tend to focus on taking the next step. Much like doing a yoga pose, the act of running or walking can give our brain a break from those desperate thoughts.

If you have your AirPods in your ears, you can detach yourself one step further. When I was going through my divorce, listening to music as I walked felt so damn good. Power ballads by Lady Gaga and Beyonce were my go-to, songs that made me feel sad and also made me feel powerful. I would sing along as I walked, my heart rate elevated, my blood pumping and, by the time my walk was done, I felt exhilarated and feeling hopeful for the future.

Yes, the exhilaration wore off after a while but, even if for an hour, I got a taste of how I was going to feel once this break up pain faded.

#6 – Find a podcast that makes you happy and keep it on continuous play.

When I was going through my divorce, my time in the car was always the worst for me. I would perseverate about my husband and his new girlfriend. I would worry about how I was going to move forward. I would assure myself that I would never love or be loved again. And, when I reached my destination, I was usually a very crabby camper.

And then I discovered podcasts. I had never listened to them before – in fact it was a badge of honor for me that I had never indulged. My daughter introduced me to “You’re Wrong About,” a podcast that debunked urban legends. The hosts,  Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes, thereafter joined me on my car rides.

Listening to podcasts was great for me. I learned new things, things that I hadn’t known before, things that I would take into my future and weren’t part of my past. The hosts were hilarious and made me smile when I thought that smiling was impossible. Most importantly, listening to them distracted me from the negative tapes that I was running over and over in my mind.

I have continued to listen to podcasts in the car. They do an excellent job distracting me from the terrible disfunction that is happening in our world, giving me a break from the despair that I am often living with about the future of our country, even if just for a short time.

#7 – Get rid of every gift they have ever given you and anything they left at your house.

A client of mind did the most amazing thing last week. It had been weeks since her break up and, while she was feeling better, she was still struggling more than she wanted to. She was still wearing the bracelet that he had given her and she found his sweater under the bed. Looking at her bracelet and the encounter with his sweater set her back, big time.

What did she decide to do? She decided to gather everything that he had given her or that he had left behind and burn it. She invited her friends to join her, encouraging them to bring anything that they needed to burn or to just come and be together helping her celebrate the destruction of tangible evidence of her old relationship. She and her friends built a bonfire and burned everything. She told me that for one full evening she felt invincible, which gave her hope for the future.

Of course, fire isn’t the only option for getting rid of your ex’s stuff. I took everything I found and put it in a bag which I tucked away somewhere that I knew I wouldn’t stumble upon it. When I was ready, I sorted through the things, feeling my feelings about them. And then I got rid of them. I recycled the letters, gave the clothes to Goodwill and sold the gold necklace on E-bay. It was interesting because when I was doing these things I felt strong and hopeful for the future. Instead of focusing on the pain, I was focusing on letting go and moving forward. And I spent the money from the necklace on a purse I had been eyeing for a while. Carrying that purse instead of wearing that necklace allowed me to emotionally detach in a way that I hadn’t been able to do so far. It felt amazing.

I know that right now it’s hard for you to believe that you will ever get past this pain and that emotionally detaching will be impossible. But I promise that you can do it!

When we are suffering, it is so easy to lose ourself in it, to wallow in our feelings of self-pity, anger, hopelessness and despair. But you don’t want to lose your sanity to this break up, something that will happen if you let yourself stay in the place of pain.

Making an effort to emotionally detach, even if just for a little bit, will be a big step for you as far as moving forward and letting go of the pain of the break up. After all, do you want to give him the satisfaction of destroying you?

No, I am guessing not!

So get up off the couch and do one of the things that have worked for me and for my clients and join the ranks of women who didn’t let someone who hurt them keep us down!

7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

/by

7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

Every day I talk to clients who are trying, and failing, to break up with their married man and make it stick.

They don’t want to break up with them because they don’t love them but because they just can’t take it anymore. They can’t take the broken promises, the not being made a priority, the lack of understanding about the torture that they are going through.

They have tried and tried to be patient while their married man takes “baby steps” and they have finally decided that its time to break up and move on.

The issue is is that they have tried to break up over and over and over and it has never stuck. They have stayed away for a few days, weeks or months but always get sucked back in. How, they wonder, to do things differently this time around?

Many, many of my clients have left their married man and moved on to find true happiness. In fact, I did too. Let me share how those of us made it to the other side did so, so you too can finally leave your married man and get the life you want!

#1 – Are you sure that you want to do this?

This is the first step to making a break up with your married man stick. You must be determined to really do it this time.

How many times have you broken up with your person only to suffer unthinkable pain and ultimately reunite with them? He renews his promises and you have wonderful make up sex and you start to believe again. How long after this reunion did you begin to suffer again? Hours, most likely; if you are lucky maybe 24 hours.

I always point out to my clients what a waste of time and energy a break up is if you aren’t fully committed. Putting yourself through the pain and then letting yourself down by letting him back in isn’t good for one’s mental health. Doing so over and over can be life sucking. I know that, after 1.5 years trying to break up with my married man, I was a shell of myself.

So, before you follow the next steps, ask yourself if you are truly ready to do this. If you aren’t, bookmark this article for when you are!

#2 – You must definitively inform him that its over.

For many of my clients, when they get to the end of their rope, again, they often, in a fit of anger, block their guy and swear that they will never talk to them again. In the moment, they mean it. And then the anger fades and their resolution wavers.

I always tell my clients that they need to tell their affair partner that they are done. They need to make it very clear that their affair partner respect what they are asking for, namely letting them go once and for all. The affair partner must agree to not contact them at all and to fully grasp the pain that they have been causing.

This can be done either in person or via text but it must be done – the married man MUST understand that the break up will stick this time.

Your married man doesn’t want to let you go. Yes, he might be causing your tremendous pain but it is his needs, and the needs of his wife and family, that he is putting first.

Your married man needs you. He needs you to adore him, to be there when he needs you, to have great affair sex with and to give him some (misguided) hope for the future. If he loses you, he will be left with nothing, just an unhappy marriage and memories of you. He also knows that, if he lets you go, you will most likely find someone else and live happily ever after.

So, your married man isn’t going to just let you go – it will be on you to make it happen. Start by telling him that this is what you need him to do.

#3 – You must commit to having no contact with him.

I am guessing that you and your married man started out as friends and that, in an ideal world, you would maintain that friendship. I am sorry to say, its not going to happen.

An essential element of making your break up stick this time around is to not be in contact with your married man at all. No texting. No talking. No checking out their social media. No seeking closure. No being where you know they will be. NOTHING. Even on birthdays and anniversaries and holidays and special events. NOTHING.

The reality is is that any contact with your married man will carry the risk that you will let him back in. And, any contact that you have with your married man will cancel out any progress that you have made in letting him go. Unless you aren’t in contact with him, then you won’t be able to let him go.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you could never block someone – its so rude. And I want to tell you that that is just a justification. If someone where contacting you who you didn’t like or made you uncomfortable you would block them. You just don’t want to block your married man because you want to keep the door open for him to come back someday. I can promise you, if you block your married guy and he gets his shit together, he will do whatever he needs to do to contact you – he won’t need your phone number.

I absolutely can not understate the importance that going “no contact” will have in your ability to let go of your married man once and for all. So do it, for the sake of your future.

#4 – You must have to ride out the pain, no matter how bad it is.

Without exception, my clients who go back to their married men do so because the pain of the break up is so intense that they can’t deal with it. One of my clients described it as a physical pain so intense she believed that she was going to die. No one, I pointed out, has ever died of a broken heart.

Yes, there is nothing worse than the pain of a broken heart. Nothing. But the thing about broken hearts is that they heal. Times goes by, pain lessens and hearts become whole. And then life goes on, maybe with a dull ache in the background but it goes on, most often in a wonderful way.

BUT, let me ask you. Are you in pain every day because of what is happening with your married man? Have you lost friends, have your work and your health suffered, have you lost your self-respect the long this affair goes on? I am sure that pain that you are feeling is huge – how can it not be.

If you stay with your married man, this pain will continue. As long as he keeps breaking his promises (which he will) you will daily feel pain. If, on the other hand, you can let him go, the pain will pass. You will have the chance to live a real life, not one tormented by what could be.

So, consider your pain. It might seem worse than the pain that you were feeling before the break up but is it really?

break up with your married man

#5 – Write up a list of all of the reasons you are breaking up with him.

I have a client who, when I asked her to make a list of the things about her guy that lead her to break up with him, told me that there was nothing. That he was a really great guy and that she couldn’t think of one thing wrong with him. Ok, I said, let’s dig a little big deeper.

Does your married man make you a priority? No. Does your married man abandon you at the last minute because of family obligations? Yes. Does your married man make promises over and over, only to break them? Yes. Does he care enough about your suffering to do anything about it, one way or another? No.

So, there was plenty of things that was wrong with my client’s married man; they were just things that she didn’t think of when she thought about him. Like many women in love with married men, they tuck those things in the back of mind to justify staying.

Make a list, in writing, of the reasons that you need to break up with him is a key aspect of making it stick. When you are away from your guy, you will only remember the good things. The daily pains will fade and you will be left only with the happy memories. And these memories will lead you down the path to him again. I always encourage my client to refer to the list when they feel like their sentimentality is getting the best of them, to remind them of why they had to leave and why they need to stay away.

#6 – You must fully accept he will never leave his wife. Never.

Be honest, when you do a Google search about whether your married man will leave his wife, do you find any happily ever after stories? Do you find heartwarming tales of a man leaving his wife, marrying his affair partner, seamlessly integrating her into is family and living happily ever after.

No, you don’t.

That is because this married man will never leave his wife. He might believe that he will, and hence the promises, but he won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means not seeing his kids every day, giving away half of his money and perhaps ruining his reputation. Leaving his wife might seem simple but its the rest of the stuff that complicates matters and makes him stay.

I do believe that married men truly do believe the promises that they make to their affair partners – that they genuinely believe that they will be able to leave their wives and be with them. Unfortunately, in my 10 years as a life coach, not one of them ever has. Some of them are even told by their wives to leave and still they stay.

So, don’t kid yourself. You will never have him.

#7 – Understand that you will never get your happily ever after.

Ok, let’s say you don’t believe me that your partner will leave his wife and still you picture your ideal life together. How based in reality is that ideal? Really.

The reality is is that you have been having an affair with this man. You will never, I mean never, be accepted by his family, his children, his social circle. They might tolerate you, but they will never fully accept you. You will spend the rest of your life at odds with the people who your partner loves best. And, these odds could very well be the thing that causes him to resent you and ultimately drives you apart.

Another thing is that you don’t really know this guy. You guys have a wonderful relationship that exists in a bubble, a bubble where there is no conflict over kids or money or mothers-in-law. All you have is time together.

But who is this guy out and about in the world? I know that when my married guy (temporarily) left his wife, I called a friend, concerned that this man who I considered the love of my life was really just a boring guy from Connecticut. What a let down.

So, recognized that this image that you have in your head about happily ever after just isn’t going to happen. I am sorry but it isn’t.

It is my strongest wish that you have read this list and are inspired to let go of your married guy once and for all and more forward to get the life that you want. And I totally understand if you have read this list and just aren’t ready yet.

The reality is is that someday you will hit your limit – that you will be done with the thousand little cuts that you are living with. That you will no longer tolerate being the woman who cheats with another woman’s man. (You know – she isn’t the raging bitch that he says she is – she is a woman stuck in an unhappy woman with a man who is capable of infidelity) That you know that, for the sake of your health and sanity, you must walk away.

When you are ready to do that, this list will help you do so – it will give you the strength and the clarity that you to join the millions of other women out there who had affairs with married man and found the strength to leave them. Women who are now, like happily married me, living happily ever after.

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

/by

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

 

can't leave married man

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

7 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship That You Shouldn’t Ignore

/by

If you are reading this article you are probably wondering if you, or someone you love, is in a toxic relationship.

And good for you for trying to figure it out. Symptoms of a toxic relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one.

Here are 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you shouldn’t ignore.

#1 – You don’t feel good about yourself

First and foremost, the most important symptom to look out for is whether or not you feel good about yourself.

In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves. They feel good about who they are in the world. They feel good about their relationship. They feel hopeful about the future.

In a toxic relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are a loser. They are sometimes depressed. They don’t feel good about their relationship. They don’t feel hopeful for the future.

This makes sense because – how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is an unhappy one?

Always fighting with their partner, things are always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable – all of that is exhausting.

So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.

#2 – You are making excuses for the relationship.

Be honest. Are you always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, both to yourself and to others.

When things go wrong, do you tell yourself that its all your fault and that if you just do things differently all will be fine. Do you tell yourself that your partner is going through some stuff and that it will be fine once they are past it? Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough long enough, everything will be ok?

How about your friends? Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship? Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself? Do they tell you that this is a toxic relationship but you make excuses for why it’s not?

People who are in healthy relationships know that they are. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of their relationship. They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out.

So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?

#3 – You have lots of make up sex.

Most of my clients who are in toxic relationships have a lot of sex.

They tell me that their relationship can’t be toxic if they want to have sex so much. They tell themselves that they still love their person – if they didn’t, why would they have so much sex?

I can tell you that, for many people in toxic relationships, there are lots of emotions flying around the room. And that emotion can lead to sexual intimacy. Much like break up sex, the need to do something with the negative emotions is intense and sex is a great way to let it go.

What I can tell you is that lots of sex is not a sign of a healthy relationships. And, for women especially, when we have sex with someone it draws us closer to them and make us feel like we still love our person.

So, consider what your sex life looks like? Is it a healthy one, born of feelings of connectedness or is it highly emotional sex that leaves you feeling good and then confused and, maybe, empty?

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

#4 – Your friends and family don’t like your relationship.

This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them.

When we are in a toxic relationship, we are drowning in it. It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads and we just can’t see or hear clearly.

But your friends and family can.

Do your friends and family point out that you always seem to be fighting? Or that you are unhappy? Or that you are being treated badly? Or that you are treating someone badly?

If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them!  They know you best and only want what is good for you!

#5 – It is affecting your life and/or work.

I have a client who reached out the other day and told me that she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess that is her relationship.

She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things that she used to love to do.

So, for my clients, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship but she is also feeling sad and lonely and like a loser. And that isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, she believes that the toxic relationship is all that she deserves.

So, are you finding that you can’t get things done around the house? Or that you are isolating? Or that you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.

Don’t blame yourself – you are most likely struggling in a toxic relationship – and that is what you are feeling like right now.

#6 – Nothing is changing.

This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of – are the same things happening over and over and nothing is changing?

Do you have the same fight? Are the same emotions in action? Are the same unkind words being said over and over? Are you having lots of break up sex?

One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is that, no matter how either, or both, people try, nothing is changing. That even though they know that something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.

Obviously, if things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself that things will sometime go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Because they won’t!

So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make change.

#7 – You spend lots of time looking up info on toxic relationships.

So here you are – reading this article about symptoms of toxic relationships. Is this the first time that you have googled “toxic relationships” or is a consistent pattern?

If you spend hours and hours searching Instagram and TikTok, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, what they look like, then it is very likely that you are in a toxic relationship.

If your gut is telling you that you might be in a bad relationship, enough so that you are seeking information about it, then that is a sign that it is is toxic.

And, looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change – you might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, something that won’t help you make change.

So, there you go – 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you need to look out for.

Relationships start out so hopeful – words of love, hopes for the future. And, when they turn toxic, it can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and to start over again.

So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world. Do your friends and family like your relationship? Is your sex life a healthy one? Is your on-line search history full of things that are following your gut?

If yes, perhaps its time to get out of this relationship and to find one where you can live happily ever after.

You can do it!

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin