5 Ways to Process The Pain When Your Married Man Betrays You…Again

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, your married man has let you down again. Maybe he has made promises that he hasn’t kept or not been there when you needed him or maybe even decided to walk away from you. And I am guessing that you are feeling a pain that is worse than anything that you have ever felt before. (Or at least since the last time he did this to you)

I am so so sorry. I have been there and I know that it HURTS!

Being betrayed by a man who says that he loves you can make you feel like your world has been turned upside down, leaving you with intense emotions and a shaken sense of trust. Even if you know that letting him go might be the best thing that you can do for yourself, the emotional pain that you are feeling is real and can have lasting effects on your mental and physical health. But healing is possible.

Here are some steps that you can take to get you on the path to letting go of the pain and move on.

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

Healing from Betrayal Trauma (Science-Based)

#1 – Accept What Happened

The first step in healing from your married man’s betrayal is acknowledging the reality of what has occurred – even when it hurts. Denial might feel easier in the moment, but it only delays the healing process. Research highlights that avoidance strategies often make recovery more difficult. [6] Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened or forgive right away – it simply means recognizing the impact the betrayal has had on your life.

“Accepting these feelings is the first step to recovery.”
– School of Modern Psychology [4]

I know that it might seem scary, but acknowledging your emotions fully is what sets you up for deeper healing.

Betrayal often stirs up a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, shock, fear, or even shame. [5] Instead of suppressing these feelings, it’s important to allow yourself to experience them. Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, puts it succinctly: “Face it, feel it, heal it.” [6] By naming what you’re feeling – whether it’s rage, grief, or insecurity – you can take away some of their power by fully feeling those feelings.[5] This acknowledgment becomes the first step toward practical healing.

While feeling your feelings is important, it is important that you not feel these feelings every minute of every day. We often get, oddly, addicted to feeling the pain of the betrayal. We feed that pain by talking to our friends or desperately looking on TikTok for other people who have been betrayed. All of those things are good, in the beginning, but focusing on it will only keep you from healing. Look for positive things as well – things about living happily ever after!

So, feel those feelings, and then let them go!

#2 – Write Down Your Feelings

When emotions feel overwhelming, writing them down can bring a sense of relief you might not expect. There is something incredibly powerful about getting thoughts that have been swirling around in your head out of there and onto paper where you might be able to make sense of them.

Writing things down also offers a safe space to pour out raw emotions without fear of judgment. In fact, research shows that just four days of expressive writing can improve happiness for months and even reduce doctor visits. [9]

“Journaling can help validate and process your emotions, offering clarity and a sense of relief. It’s an effective way to manage negative thoughts and gain insight into your mental health.”
– Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center[7]

By acknowledging your feelings and exploring them on paper, you can begin to make sense of your inner experience. This isn’t about perfect grammar or structure – just set aside 15–20 minutes and let everything flow. Write about the anger, confusion, hurt, or even physical symptoms like tension or trouble sleeping. Seeing these connections on paper can help you grasp how deeply the betrayal has impacted you.

If you’re not sure where to start, try prompts like: “What am I feeling right now?” or “What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?” Asking “what” instead of “why” keeps your focus forward, steering you away from getting stuck in endless rumination. You could also use writing as a way to picture your future self – what does life look like after healing? Who do you want to become?

For a symbolic release, consider writing down the most painful details of your experience, then destroy the paper – burn it, flush it, or toss it into the ocean. This physical act can feel like taking control and letting go of the trauma’s grip.

Writing down your emotions doesn’t just help you process the pain – it sets the stage for protecting and nurturing yourself as you continue to heal.

#3 – Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises

Mindfulness and deep breathing can ground you in the present moment, especially when betrayal stirs up that overwhelming fight-or-flight response. While these practices won’t erase the pain, they can help you acknowledge your emotions without letting them take over. A study in the journal Mindfulness surveyed 94 adults who had experienced infidelity and found that those with stronger mindfulness skills were more likely to forgive and less likely to seek revenge. [10]

“Those with strong self-compassion skills tend to embrace their turmoil without over-identifying with it.” – Researchers, Mindfulness Journal [10]

I know that idea of mindfulness is overwhelming and perplexing but, if you start small, you too can take advantage of its benefits.

Start with a 10-minute deep breathing practice. Find a quiet spot, sit comfortably, and take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth. [7] This simple exercise helps soothe your stress response and provides quick relief when emotions feel overwhelming. And when your thoughts inevitably drift back to the betrayal, don’t judge yourself – just gently bring your focus back to your breath. [7]

For moments of intense stress, try the exaggerated breath technique: inhale for three seconds, hold for two, and exhale for four .[11] Research has shown that just 15 minutes of focused breathing can significantly reduce emotional distress, even when faced with upsetting stimuli.[11] Did you know that, when we are stressed, we stop breathing. This is why its so difficult to think clearly or process our emotions because our brains are literally struggling to survive.

The goal here is to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Instead of spiraling into questions like, “Why did this happen?” shift your focus to the present with questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need to feel secure?” [5] This approach keeps you anchored in the here and now, where true healing begins. By focusing on your breath and staying present with your emotions, you regain a sense of control over your recovery journey.

#4 – Take Care of Yourself

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt emotionally – it impacts your body too. Studies reveal that 70% of women dealing with betrayal by their married men experience PTSD symptoms. [12] This kind of trauma often shows up physically, leading to headaches, fatigue, insomnia, and even digestive issues. Moving your body isn’t just about staying fit; it’s a way to release the trauma stored deep in your tissues and nervous system.

The key is finding the right type of movement for what you’re feeling. If you’re grappling with anger or rage, high-intensity activities like boxing or running can help channel those intense emotions. On the other hand, if anxiety has you feeling on edge, gentler options like walking, stretching, or yoga can calm your system and help you feel safe again. Licensed therapist Rebecca Capps highlights this balance:

“Self-care after betrayal can include eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy” [2]

Somatic practices can also help you reconnect with your body. Techniques like “butterfly tapping” (crossing your arms and rhythmically tapping your shoulders) or focusing on the sensation of your feet as you walk are simple yet powerful tools. These practices help regulate an overactive nervous system and create a deeper sense of grounding and self-awareness.

Incorporating regular physical activity into your life reinforces your recovery. Building a routine – even just 20 minutes a day – can help restore a sense of control. Each day will be a small but meaningful step toward rebuilding trust in yourself. Each time you show up for your body, you’re proving to yourself that you’re capable of moving forward.

#5 – Create Boundaries to Protect Yourself

After being betrayed by your married man. it’s important to safeguard your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries – both with the person who hurt you and with yourself. This is one of the reasons that it’s important to go NO CONTACT, to not communicate with him in any way shape or form. Dr. Bruce Y. Lee describes it well:

“Allowing the betrayer to influence your post-betrayal processing can be like inviting the defense attorney into a jury’s deliberations” [1]

NO CONTACT extends to social media use. It is very important that you unfriend or unfollow your person and do everything that you can do to not stalk them. See what they are doing or saying will only set you back with your healing. (And remember – what people post on social media are the things that they want people to see, not the truth about how they may be feeling.)

Personal boundaries are just as important. Make sure that your married man knows that they too must go NO CONTACT as well. No reaching out to wish you a happy birthday or to tell you how much they miss you or, even worse, that they are going to leave their wives (which they won’t). It is important that they know that you need this for your mental health – and that it’s time they stop putting their own needs first!

Boundaries are powerful tools for reclaiming control over your life. But remember, healing happens on your terms and timeline. As the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center explains:

“Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional space, allowing you to rebuild trust on your terms” [7].

I know that you want the pain that you are feeling to go away right now.

And I wish that I could make that happen for you. Unfortunately, recovering from betrayal isn’t a straight path – it’s a cycle.

These five strategies – acceptance, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, and setting boundaries – work together to help you regain control of your life. Each step plays a role in moving you forward, even if progress feels slow at times.

Above all, treat yourself with kindness. As Dr. Margaret Paul emphasizes, gentle self-compassion is essential for letting go of emotions like anger and heartbreak that can otherwise remain stuck and even impact your physical health. [8] Without this kindness, it’s hard to truly move on after a breakup.

It’s also important to remember that betrayal leaves its mark on both your mind and body. [3] Rebuilding trust – whether with others or yourself – requires patience and at the same time consistent effort. [3] [1] There’s no universal timeline for healing, so give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Rushing the process often does more harm than good.

Healing from betrayal is within reach, but it starts with small, intentional steps. Focus on what you can control today – whether it’s practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, or simply showing yourself the compassion you deserve. Every step forward matters.

Remember, if you need someone to help you on this journey, reach out. I can offer you an obligation free session that could really make a difference! You can get through this and you will!

How to Trust Yourself Again After You Have Been Emotionally Abused

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Emotional abuse can leave you doubting your instincts, questioning your decisions, and feeling disconnected from your true self.

Emotional abusers often use calculated strategies to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. Over time, this can make it impossible for you to know truth vs. reality, what you are and are not capable of and how to make the right decision about next steps.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, but it requires patience, consistent effort, and actionable steps to heal.  Every small step forward strengthens your ability to trust yourself again.

Let me help you get started on your path to healing.

5 Steps to Rebuild Self-Trust After Emotional Abuse

#1 – Recognize the tactics and the damage.

Emotional abusers often use calculated tactics to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. These tactics are deliberate and aimed at gaining control over you. Recognizing what this abuse looks like and understanding how abusers operate is a crucial step in recognizing that the self-doubt you feel isn’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of manipulation.

One of the most harmful tactics is gaslighting. Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, PLLC, explains: “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings.” [7] An abuser might claim events didn’t happen the way you remember, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or insist you’re imagining things. This constant undermining creates confusion about what’s real and what isn’t.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes gaslighting as “an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their own sanity” [8].

Abusers may also criticize your decisions, question your skills, shift blame onto you, or threaten to leave when you assert yourself. Some even ignore your needs entirely or send harmful messages like, “You never do anything right.” Over time, these behaviors chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling insecure and overly dependent.

The damage isn’t confined to isolated moments. Repeated criticism and blame can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to trust your instincts and decisions. Over time, your body may even learn to expect rejection, further reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. Recognizing these tactics is key to separating the abuser’s influence from your own inner voice.

#2 – Purge the Abuser’s Voice from Inside Your Head

Once you understand how abuse distorts your perception, the next step is reclaiming your inner voice. A major challenge in recovery is realizing that the harsh, critical thoughts you hear may not even be yours – they’re often echoes of the abuser’s words, internalized over time. Repeated messages of inadequacy can feel like truth, blurring the line between your genuine thoughts and the narrative imposed on you.

In other words – those thoughts inside your head are most likely not yours!

I had a client who, when she came to me, only had her soon-to-be ex-husband’s voice in her head. He had destroyed her self-esteem and she was truly sure that she wasn’t capable of making any decisions or taking action. It left her a shell of herself and much in need of my help. She reached out to me because she just didn’t know who to turn to.

So, how do you get that voice out of your head?

Awareness is the first step. Knowing and understanding that that voice in your head might not be yours will help you push back on it when it arises.

Journaling can be a powerful way to untangle these voices. Write down your daily experiences, emotions, and questions to rebuild trust in your own perceptions. When your inner critic becomes overwhelming, use your journal to push back with affirmations like, “I used to believe that about myself, but I’m learning to be kinder to me,” or “It’s okay to take my time – this is a process.” With practice, you’ll start to distinguish your authentic voice from the one imposed by the abuser, allowing your true self to emerge more clearly.

Another way to help manage this voice is to talk to friends and family. They know who you are and, most likely, what your partner has been making you feel. Even if you can’t trust yourself, you can trust them to look out for you.

These tools will help jumpstart getting your power back!

#3 – Calm Your Nervous System

To rebuild trust in yourself, your body first needs to feel safe. Emotional abuse often leaves your nervous system stuck in a heightened state of alert, triggering a relentless fight-or-flight response. [9] When your body is constantly bracing for danger, it becomes hard to think clearly, make sound decisions, or connect with your inner sense of wisdom. [2] Shifting your nervous system from fight-or-flight mode to a calmer, rest-and-digest state is crucial. This shift lays the groundwork for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. [9]

There are a few ways you can do that.

One of my clients finally escaped from a toxic relationship and was eager to get started on her healing. She found a space in her home that was her special place, a place that didn’t connect to her ex at. She used that space as a recovery area. When she was feeling sad, she retreated there and found some peace, or cried her eyes out. Once she started healing that was the place she went to help her blossom into the person she is now. Think about creating a physical space where your mind and body can relax. This could be a cozy corner in your home, a chair by a sunny window, a peaceful spot outdoors, or any area that feels comforting and secure. [11]

Your body often carries the weight of unprocessed pain, so finding ways to release that tension is vital. [2] One quick and effective tool is deep, mindful breathing. For example, the 4-7-8 technique involves inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven, and exhaling forcefully through your mouth for eight. [9][10] Another option is the physiological sigh: take two quick inhales through your nose, followed by a long, slow exhale. [9][3]

Another way to deal with the emotion in your body is movement. Activities like walking, yoga, dancing, or even small actions like shoulder rolls, jaw releases, or gentle shaking for 10–20 seconds can help your body let go of tension. [9][3][10]

Retraining your nervous system takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself. Signs of a dysregulated system – such as constant worry, trouble focusing, muscle tension, or feeling overwhelmed – won’t disappear overnight. [9][10]

#4 – Rebuild Your Self-Trust

When your nervous system starts to calm down, you can start rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Begin by focusing on everyday choices. These might seem insignificant, but they’re powerful. Each time you honor your preferences without second-guessing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your judgment matters [12].

Some positive choices: taking time for yourself, spending time with friends, doing that thing you have always wanted to do. Some negative choices: stalking him, revisiting places that you had shared, constantly looking at his social media.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you make these small decisions. Tuning into what feels right helps you reconnect with your intuition – the inner voice that might have been muffled by past emotional abuse. Over time, these small acts of trust will lay the groundwork for tackling more significant decisions with confidence.

Remember, recovery is not linear – setbacks are inevitable. You might make a decision you later regret or slip back into old patterns of self-doubt. Keep an eye on when you are starting to feel this way – perhaps bad about yourself or doubting your decision. Having awareness of these slight back-slides will help you manage them. And don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, recover can be two steps forward, one step back.

#5 – Reconnect with Who You Were Before

Emotional abuse often forces you to conform to others’ expectations, leaving you disconnected from your true self. [13]  Reclaiming your identity involves rediscovering who you are and recovering from the emotional abuse that you suffered through.

Try reconnecting with things that your loved before you lost yourself. Perhaps its something creative – like writing or dancing. Take up old hobbies. Spend time with old friends who can remind you of the life you had. Challenge the critical messages left behind by an abuser by replacing them with affirmations of your strengths, achievements, and unique qualities. ournaling is always helpful – it can keep you in touch with how far you have come!

Part of my client’s journey was to dance again. She used to go to dances weekly but, after he left, she just couldn’t muster up the interest. The dancing helped her in a big way towards her goal of healing.

It is essential that you engage in activities that bring comfort and joy, like taking a warm bath, enjoying a walk, or simply pausing to appreciate a quiet moment. Focus on what genuinely feels right for you, rather than what you think you should enjoy.

#6 – Set and Enforce Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being and rebuilding self-trust. [3]

Start small by expressing your opinions in low-pressure situations. For example, you might say, “I need some time to think about that,” or “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.”

Pay close attention to your feelings – they’re valuable indicators of your needs. If you feel discomfort because someone has crossed a line, honor that feeling by standing firm. This might mean ending a conversation, stepping away from a situation, or calmly but firmly restating your boundary.

Stay away from your abuser. If you must have contact with them, walk away when the abuse begins. Also, reducing contact with people who dismiss your experiences will be very helpful as far as your recovery.

The more you practice, the more natural setting limits will feel. Over time, this process strengthens your ability to trust your own judgments, a key part of lasting recovery.

#7 – Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Healing is much easier when you have a network of people who respect your boundaries and support your renewed sense of self. As sex educator Cassandra Corrado explains:

“It’s pretty much impossible to recalibrate our trust compass without support from others” [4].

Seek out safe environments, such as local domestic violence resource centers, support groups, or online communities where survivors share and validate each other’s experiences.

Look for relationships built on respect, empathy, and encouragement. Surround yourself with people who value your opinions, respect your boundaries, and listen without judgment. These connections empower you to express even your most difficult emotions. If you must interact with toxic or emotionally abusive individuals, consider bringing along a trusted friend who can act as an emotional buffer.

For my client, she attended a weekly support group for people like herself. She also decided to go back to school and get her Master’s in Social Work. She wanted to help others who struggle through what she had gotten past.

Setting boundaries and building a supportive network isn’t selfish – it’s an essential step in reclaiming your identity and protecting your sense of self.

Rebuilding self-trust after emotional abuse is a deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace.

Healing isn’t about returning to who you were before the abuse. It’s about stepping into a new version of yourself – one that values inner peace and protects your worth through firm boundaries. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and a move toward lasting transformation.

My client did it and you can too!

Remember, celebrate your small victories as they come, even if they are small. Each of them will lead you back to the person whose inner voice you trust and help you find yourself again!

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. I am here for you and offer personalized guidance to help you reconnect with your intuition and build lasting self-trust. With a free initial session, you can explore your goals and create a tailored plan to support your growth.

Why Productivity Drops After Heartbreak And How To Fix It

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Heartbreak can severely impact your productivity, with up to 40% drops in output, difficulty concentrating (94%), and disrupted sleep (83%). Emotional distress from breakups often leads to anxiety, confusion, and even physical health issues, which can linger for months. The financial toll is massive, costing U.S. businesses over $100 billion annually due to lost productivity.

Heartbreak recovery takes time, but with the right strategies, you can, as you heal, regain control and move forward stronger.

7 Habits To Heal From A Breakup FASTER Evidence-Based

Why Does Heartbreak Hurt Your Productivity?

#1 – Mental Stress and Racing Thoughts

When you’re dealing with heartbreak, your mind can feel like it’s running a marathon you never signed up for. Instead of zoning in on that big project or upcoming deadline, your brain replays past conversations and regrets like a broken record. This constant mental noise doesn’t just distract you – it actively drains your ability to process information and make decisions.

Research shows that 44% of divorced employees report that the emotional strain negatively impacts their work[3]. Many struggle with focus, decision-making, and even maintaining workplace relationships. It’s like your brain is stuck in overdrive, leaving little room for anything else.

And then there’s the vicious cycle. The harder you try to focus, the more frustrated you get when you can’t. This frustration feeds into your stress, creating a loop that feels impossible to escape. Over time, this mental strain doesn’t just cloud your thoughts – it starts to take a toll on your physical health too.

#2 – The Physical Impact

Heartbreak isn’t just in your head – it’s in your body too. The emotional stress can wreak havoc on your physical health, draining your energy and motivation. Sleep becomes a casualty, with restless nights leading to groggy mornings. And when you’re sleep-deprived, everything suffers – your reaction time slows, your memory falters, and making decisions feels like climbing a mountain.

The numbers paint a grim picture: 88% of people report anxiety, and 66% experience panic attacks or frequent illness during heartbreak[1]. These aren’t just minor annoyances; they’re serious issues that can cripple your ability to function at work.

Stress hormones like cortisol surge during heartbreak, further complicating things. This hormonal flood can weaken your immune system, making you more prone to getting sick. In severe cases, heartbreak can even lead to “broken heart syndrome,” a condition where emotional stress temporarily impairs your heart’s ability to pump blood[3]. While rare, it underscores just how deeply heartbreak can affect your physical well-being – and your performance at work.

#3 – Difficulty Working with Others

The challenges don’t stop with your mind and body – they also spill into your work relationships and daily interactions. Heartbreak often brings emotional shifts like confusion, irritability, and withdrawal, which can strain your connections with coworkers. You might find yourself snapping at colleagues, skipping team meetings, or avoiding group projects altogether.

The fallout is real: 83% of grieving employees say their professional reputation took a hit, and 79% even considered quitting their job after a major heartbreak[1].

#4 – Too Many Sick Days

Absenteeism is another hurdle that comes with heartbreak. When the emotional weight feels unbearable, just getting out of bed and showing up to work can seem impossible. 73% of employees going through divorce report higher absenteeism, disrupting not just their own productivity but also their team’s ability to meet deadlines and hit goals[4].

#5 – Communication Challenges

Communication takes a hit when we are dealing with heartbreak. We might struggle to get our thoughts across in meetings, miss key details in emails, or let messages go unanswered. Over time, these small missteps can snowball, creating a reputation for being unreliable.

Research highlights that 94% of people struggling with heartbreak experience difficulty concentrating, so acting quickly to manage the situation is crucial[1].

#6 – The Need to Isolate

And then there’s the isolation. Pulling back from workplace social interactions might feel like self-preservation, but it also cuts you off from the support systems that could help you bounce back. This withdrawal creates a downward spiral: poor performance leads to isolation, which makes recovering and rebuilding even harder. It’s a tough cycle to break, but recognizing these patterns is the first step toward regaining your footing.

How Do You Get Your Productivity Back After Heartbreak?

Heartbreak can be a heavy burden, but it doesn’t have to derail your productivity forever. By combining professional support, establishing new routines, and prioritizing self-care, you can rebuild your focus and regain control of your work life. Let’s explore how.

#1 – Get Professional Help.

There are specific signs that indicate your heartbreak might require professional attention. Studies reveal that 92% of people dealing with significant emotional loss experience at least one major health issue, such as anxiety, confusion, sleep problems, chronic insomnia, frequent illness, unexplained fatigue, or even chest pain[1].

Heartbreak can feel all-consuming, making it hard to focus or even make simple decisions. It’s no surprise that 70% of people dealing with grief turn to professional help[1]. Structured support can be a game-changer, helping you not only process your emotions but also restore your work performance.

One of the biggest red flags is persistent depression lasting more than two weeks. If feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, or deep sadness seem unshakable, it’s a sign that your heartbreak may have escalated into clinical depression. Research suggests that 20% of people going through a breakup develop clinical depression, which can severely disrupt both their mental well-being and productivity.

Programs like 4 Weeks to Letting Go of Love and Moving On offer targeted resources to guide you through heartbreak. The course combines emotional healing with practical strategies to rebuild focus and productivity. Through daily activities, participants explore emotional processing, self-reflection, and future planning, avoiding the trap of dwelling on painful thoughts without progress.[1].

“I can help you get all that…and more…by creating, together, a personalized plan to get you the life, and love, you have always dreamed of!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach, Let Your Dreams Begin

Investing in professional help can also save you from long-term setbacks. U.S. businesses lose over $100 billion annually due to grief-related productivity issues.[2]. Seeking support early can prevent extended periods of reduced performance and help you stay on track professionally.

#2 – Create New Daily Habits

When heartbreak leaves you feeling unmoored, a consistent daily routine can provide the stability you need. Simple habits like waking up at the same time each day, planning meals, and taking a short morning walk can create a sense of normalcy.

Research shows that maintaining a structured routine lowers stress and anxiety levels[1]. And when stress is reduced, your ability to focus at work improves.

Using tools like habit-tracking apps or a journal can help you stay motivated. Even small wins, like sticking to a routine for a week, can rebuild your confidence. These habits aren’t just about structure – they’re about proving to yourself that you can follow through, which is a cornerstone of workplace productivity.

#3 – Take Care of Yourself First

Heartbreak often takes a physical toll, and ignoring these symptoms can sabotage your ability to focus. For instance, 83% of people experience sleep disruption, and 66% deal with frequent illnesses after heartbreak[1]. Addressing these issues is critical.

Its important to prioritize sleep. Aim for 7–9 hours each night by sticking to a bedtime routine, reducing screen time before bed, and keeping your room cool and dark. A well-rested mind is sharper and better equipped to handle challenges.

Physical activity is another powerful tool to increase your productivity after heartbreak. Exercise releases endorphins, lifting your mood and reducing anxiety. You don’t need to overdo it – just 30 minutes of moderate activity daily can make a big difference in how you feel and focus.

Make sure to eat well. While it’s tempting to skip meals or rely on comfort foods, a balanced diet rich in fruits, vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins supports both your physical and mental health.

“Self-care is not a luxury; it is a necessity for maintaining productivity and emotional health.” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach

The American Psychological Association reports that self-care can lead to a 30% boost in productivity when emotional well-being improves[1]. By prioritizing your physical and emotional health, you’re building a foundation for long-term recovery and better work performance.

Heartbreak doesn’t have to derail your productivity indefinitely.

While 91% of people report a drop in output that can last up to a year or more[1], recovery is entirely within reach with the right approach.

Healing takes time, both mentally and physically. By combining self-compassion with structured routines, you can gradually rebuild your focus and emotional resilience. When challenges feel overwhelming, seeking targeted support can make all the difference.

Know that, if you take steps to take care of yourself and get some help, your productivity will return, and your emotional well-being will stabilize. By focusing on healing and taking proactive steps, you’ll not only regain your footing but also discover newfound strength. The path forward is there – take that first step today.

“Even one session can make a huge difference so reach out now!” – Mitzi Bockmann, Certified Life and Love Coach

Best Books for Healing After Heartbreak

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Heartbreak can feel overwhelming, impacting both your emotions and daily life. But the right book can provide tools to help you recover, rebuild, and grow. Here’s a list of ten highly recommended books that tackle heartbreak from different angles – whether you need practical advice, emotional support, or a new perspective on healing:

  • It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: Straightforward advice to accept the breakup and move forward with humor and clarity.
  • This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe: Self-reflection exercises to rediscover yourself and build healthier patterns.
  • Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott: Actionable steps like the “no contact” rule to help you heal and regain control.
  • The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver: Encourages embracing emotions as a path to personal growth.
  • Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: A memoir of self-discovery and healing after divorce.
  • The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson: Explores the emotional stages of heartbreak and tools for recovery.
  • The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques to manage emotions and find peace.
  • Feeling Good by David D. Burns: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) strategies to overcome negative thought patterns.
  • Rising Strong by Brené Brown: A guide to resilience, identifying emotional triggers, and rewriting your story.
  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl: A philosophical approach to finding purpose and strength through pain.

Each book caters to different needs, from practical steps to deep emotional insights. Whether you’re looking to process your feelings, shift your perspective, or take actionable steps, there’s a book here for you.

Quick Comparison

Book Title Focus Best For
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken Accepting the breakup, moving forward Those ready for blunt, humorous advice
This Is Me Letting You Go Self-reflection, building self-love Readers seeking introspection
Getting Past Your Breakup Structured recovery, no-contact rule Those needing clear, actionable steps
The Wisdom of a Broken Heart Embracing emotions, mindfulness Readers open to spiritual growth
Eat, Pray, Love Rediscovery after loss Those ready for life changes and exploration
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing Healing abandonment pain, emotional stages Individuals dealing with deep rejection
The Happiness Trap Managing emotions with ACT techniques Readers handling anxiety or obsessive thoughts
Feeling Good CBT for overcoming negative thoughts Those struggling with low self-esteem
Rising Strong Resilience, emotional triggers Readers seeking growth from setbacks

Choose a book that fits your current stage of healing and start your journey toward recovery.

Book Recommendations – 4 Books to Mend a Broken Heart

#1 – It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

This book gets straight to the point: your relationship ended for a reason, and that’s actually a good thing. Written by Greg Behrendt, co-author of He’s Just Not That Into You, and his wife Amiira, this guide offers no-nonsense advice, from both male and female viewpoints, to help you cut through the emotional fog that often follows a breakup.

At the most basic level, the authors delivers a clear message: accept the breakup and move forward. They encourage readers to stop dissecting every moment or clinging to false hope, and instead embrace reality and focus on healing. This approach provides a solid foundation for practical, actionable steps toward recovery.

The book likens getting over a breakup to overcoming an addiction, emphasizing the importance of going through "withdrawal" to truly heal. Its blunt, often humorous tone makes it ideal for those who are ready to take action – even if their emotions are still catching up.

#2 – This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe

Heidi Priebe’s This Is Me Letting You Go offers a thoughtful approach to navigating the aftermath of a breakup, one that is in complete contrast to It’s Called a Breakup. Instead of simply urging you to "move on," the book encourages deep self-reflection, using the end of a relationship as a chance to rediscover yourself and build self-love. Packed with exercises and reflection prompts, the book helps you identify relationship patterns, attachment styles, and codependency, and, thereby, uncover the roots of your emotional experiences.

These insights not only support personal growth but also lay the groundwork for creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

#3 – Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott.

Susan J. Elliott’s Getting Past Your Breakup offers a straightforward and actionable guide for navigating the aftermath of a relationship. It’s not just about getting over someone – it’s about truly healing and building a stronger version of yourself.

At the heart of the book is something that is very near and dear to my heart, and the key to getting through a break up: the "no contact" rule. Cutting off communication with your ex might feel extreme or even painful at first, but it’s a necessary step to allow your emotions to settle and begin the healing process. Staying in touch can keep old wounds open, making it harder to move forward.

Elliott is not afraid to call out behaviors that might be holding you back – whether it’s clinging to unrealistic expectations or falling into self-destructive cycles. She delivers her message with a balance of empathy and honesty helps readers face hard truths while feeling supported.

"Part of moving on is about learning to love yourself, possibly for the first time. If you learn to truly enjoy your own company, you will be far less likely to choose bad relationships just for the sake of being in one." – Susan J. Elliott [2]

#4 – The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart takes a totally different approach to navigating heartbreak – instead of urging readers to "move on" or distract themselves, Piver encourages embracing the pain as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

What sets this book apart is its focus on leaning into the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Piver understands that the end of a relationship can bring overwhelming emotional devastation. Rather than offering quick fixes or distractions, she suggests sitting with the pain and allowing it to fuel meaningful transformation. By sharing her own experiences with heartbreak she inspires her reader to take action.

#5 – Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

When this book was first published, and was an international sensation, I refused to read it – because everyone else was doing it. And then, because I was desperate, I read it and it changed the trajectory of my life.

Eat, Pray, Love captures the author’s deeply personal journey of rediscovery and healing following a painful divorce.

The book chronicles a transformative year in Gilbert’s life as she travels to three countries: Italy, where she indulges in the simple joys of food and pleasure; India ,where she dives into spirituality and self-reflection; and Indonesia, where she seeks balance and connection, and finds love.

By telling her story, Gilbert shows how rebuilding a relationship with yourself often requires stepping into the unknown and embracing discomfort. She also clearly demonstrates that stepping outside of one’s comfort zones can inspire personal growth and healing.

#6 – The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

Susan Anderson’s The Journey from Abandonment to Healing takes a deep and empathetic dive into the emotional wreckage of heartbreak. As a psychotherapist with expertise in abandonment recovery, Anderson argues that all breakups through five stages: shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, and lifting.

Anderson explains the science behind why heartbreak can feel like a physical wound and why the aftermath might resemble withdrawal symptoms. Recognizing that these intense reactions have a biochemical basis can bring a sense of relief during those overwhelming moments.

She also encourages her readers to break free from what she calls "protest mode" – that exhausting cycle of resisting reality, clinging to what’s lost, and being consumed by anger and longing – and to embrace acceptance by acknowledging their emotions and taking steps to move forward.

The book includes practical exercises aimed at managing pain and cultivating self-compassion, offering readers actionable tools to navigate their healing journey.

One reader, Toni Kohn, shared how the book profoundly impacted her during a difficult time:

"As an abandonment survivor, I recommend Susan’s work to those in the thick of despair. In the days I was at my worst, I remember reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and it was the first time I felt understood, less alone, and with a road map out of the depths of despair. I am forever grateful and continue to follow her work."

  • Toni Kohn [3]

# 7 – The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

Russ Harris’s The Happiness Trap, using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), helps one work through tough emotions instead of fighting against them and offers practical tools to help manage emotional challenges effectively [7].

Harris argues that trying to suppress or escape negative feelings often makes things worse. After a breakup, it’s normal to feel sadness, anger, or anxiety – but the real issue arises when you resist these emotions or expect them to disappear instantly.

Russ suggest 5 key strategies to handle these emotions:

  • Defusion: This involves stepping back from negative thoughts. For example, instead of believing "I’m not good enough,” try reframing it as "I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough." This subtle shift can reduce the emotional weight of the thought [6]
  • Acceptance: Rather than pushing away uncomfortable feelings, feel them. Acknowledge that pain is part of being human, and much of our suffering comes from resisting what we feel [6]
  • Mindfulness: Staying present can stop the cycle of obsessing over the past or worrying about the future. [6]
  • Clarifying Your Values: Think about what truly matters to you beyond your relationship. Questions like "What kind of person do I want to be?" or "What do I stand for?" can help you identify your core values. [6]
  • Committed Action: Even if you’re feeling unmotivated, taking small, values-driven steps can create momentum. These actions, no matter how minor, help you align your life with what matters most [6].

While Harris’s method can not erase the pain of heartbreak, he offers tools to help you carry it more lightly. By embracing these techniques, you can turn emotional struggles into opportunities to build a life centered on your values and personal growth.

#8 – Feeling Good by David D. Burns

In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David D. Burns outlines how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can serve to dismantle negative thinking, something that, after a break up, can amplify emotional pain and make it harder to move forward.

One standout chapter, "Love Addiction," explores how distorted beliefs about rejection can trap you in cycles of hopelessness. By identifying these patterns, you can begin to see how your perspective on rejection might be holding you back from healing.

Although Feeling Good isn’t specifically about recovering from heartbreak, its CBT-based strategies offer valuable tools for breaking free from negative thought loops can play a key role in finding emotional balance after a breakup.

9. Rising Strong by Brené Brown

Rising Strong dives into the art of recovering from setbacks and building resilience through a straightforward three-step process: reckoning, rumble, and revolution.

In the reckoning phase, Brown encourages readers to identify their emotional triggers and observe their feelings without trying to suppress them. After all, recognizing and understanding your emotions is the first step toward healing.

The rumble phase is all about untangling the self-defeating stories we tell ourselves after a breakup and challenging those limiting beliefs and rewriting the story you tell yourself.

Finally, the revolution phase focuses on using the pain you’ve experienced to build emotional strength and authenticity in future relationships. It’s not about erasing the past or pretending the relationship didn’t matter but instead it’s about taking what you’ve learned and applying it to how you live and love moving forward.

The key to Brown’s perspective is her emphasis on vulnerability, something that reframes it as a source of strength rather than weakness, emphasizing that the willingness to risk being hurt again is essential for forming deep, meaningful connections.

Sometimes finding just the right book can help you get through your breakup and out the other side, even better than you were before.

Each of these titles offer a wealth of wisdom, each providing a unique approach to healing, ensuring there’s something for everyone, no matter where you are in your journey.

Related Blog Posts

Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

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Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

“I just can’t believe that I am having an affair.”

“How can my husband have an affair? We were so happy.”

“I have found my soul mate but he is married. What am I thinking?”

These are phrases that I hear from my clients all the time when cheating has touched their lives. They just don’t understand why people cheat – and most of the time it’s because they don’t understand how affairs happen. Affairs happen, more often than not, not because of the sex but something much deeper. Understanding what these things are might help you understand why infidelity has become a part of your life, in one way or another

#1 – Their depression makes them vulnerable.

The number one psychological fact behind why people cheat is that their mental health issues make them vulnerable to having an affair. Perhaps they are depressed, perhaps they are anxious, perhaps they are dealing with something that causes them to lose control of their emotions. Whatever the mental health struggle they are dealing with, it is making them vulnerable to doing something that will make them feel okay again.

Having an affair is one of those things that can make people with mental health struggles feel like they are okay, at least for a little bit. For that short period of time they are with their affair partner, they feel loved. They feel like they’re enough. The feel-good chemical ‘dopamine’ that comes from being with their affair partner courses through their veins, making them feel happy, even if for a moment.

#2 – They are feeling hopeless and feel like they will never be happy again.

One of my clients has been having an affair with a married man for four years. She just doesn’t understand why she got into it and why she can’t get out of it. After talking, we came to understand that one of the reasons she embarked on this affair was because she was feeling hopeless. She had divorced her husband, her kids were gone, and her career was on hold because of the industry in which she is worked. She just didn’t see how she could ever be happy again.

And then this married man came into her life and made her feel alive. He made her feel important, relevant, and like she had a future where she could be happy. Unfortunately, while she was happy for a while, she eventually became miserable again. What she thought was hope for the future turned into hopelessness because she knew she would never have the happiness that she sought.

#3 – They are unhappy in their marriage and don’t know how to fix it.

Many people who cheat are feeling unhappy in their marriage and they have no idea what to do about it. They married their person because they loved them madly but, over time, 1000 little cuts have eroded the marriage. Sure, they’ve been to therapy. Sure, they’ve made date nights and gone on mini vacations and done all the things that their therapist encouraged them to do. But still, they are unhappy and not sure what to do next.

So, what they do instead of fixing their marriage is they find someone who can meet their emotional needs. Someone who understands what they are going through, perhaps is even going through it as well themselves. Instead of having to deal with their marriage, they are getting their emotional needs met outside of the marriage, and it makes their marriage more tolerable.

#4 – They feel emotionally abandoned and lonely.

One of my clients had a husband who traveled all the time. He would be away for days at a time, only to come back, distracted by work and not interested in spending any time with her. She was not only lonely while he was gone, but she was lonely when he was back. They lived in the house together, going about their daily tasks, but not connecting emotionally in any way.

When my client met a man with whom she connected emotionally, it changed her life. She had believed that it was her fault that the emotion had died in their marriage and that her loneliness was the result of some kind of desperation. When she met her guy, she realized that she could still feel and that there was a man who could make her feel not so alone.

#5 – They need to numb the pain of a current trauma.

More than one of my clients has found themselves having an affair as they have gone through a period of intense trauma. One of my clients’ mothers was dying slowly of cancer. She spent a ton of time in the hospital with her mother, watching her be sick. She spent a lot of time on her own, wondering what she was going to do without her mother. While she had to go about her daily tasks because of her husband and her children, she was feeling empty.

When she met a man while watching her son’s hockey game, their small talk took her out of her life. She sought him out at games and talking to him allowed her to  forget what she was struggling with daily and lean into someone who made her feel something other than pain. Once again, the dopamine that was created from the connection that she had with a man who was not her husband helped her let go of the pain, if only for a few hours.

#6 – They feel heard and understood for the first time in a long time.

Marriages are long and hard. We always try very hard to keep them healthy, but it can be very difficult.

Many people embark on affairs after spending a period of time talking to their soon-to-be affair partners. Perhaps they have met at the office, and over time, have confided in each other about things that they struggle with. Perhaps they are parents of their kids friends and spend a lot of time with each other, and have developed a very deep friendship. What happens is, for the first time in a long time, they feel listened to and heard. And this feeling is very compelling and addictive. This feeling heard and understood makes them fall in love with this person, and, sometimes before they know it, they slide into an affair.

#7 – They are addicted to the affair and can’t let it go.

The number one reason why people have a hard time letting go of an affair is because they are addicted to it. Much like drugs, or ice cream, once they get a taste, they can’t let it go.

When they are put in a position where they must let go of their affair, they go into deep withdrawal. Even though they might have been miserable in the affair, which made them break up with their affair partner, the pain that they feel when they don’t get that dopamine rush, when they don’t hear their partners voice, when they don’t have the physical intimacy that they love, is intolerable. This leads them to go back to their partner, and the cycle begins again.

Understanding why people cheat is a hard thing to do for someone who hasn’t been there.

Affairs seem to be the tawdry things that we read about in books and see in movies. But, in fact, they’re more complicated than that. They are, more often than not, not the result of needing sex, but the result of trying to fill some emotional void in their lives, to give themselves hope for the future, to make them feel like a person again. And, unfortunately, their addiction makes it impossible for them to let go and so they are stuck in the cycle of a relationship that, eventually, makes everything that they struggle with worse.

9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

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9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

I would say that, without exception, when I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, she tells me that she can’t because its “harsh.” That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. Is that a word that rings true with you?

And I get it. We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. BUT, there is a reason why we find ourselves in a place where we should block someone – because they have hurt us over and over.

That being said, while my clients say that they don’t want to be harsh, I know that they also don’t want to block their ex; they want to leave the door cracked open for getting back together. This is especially true for women who are dating married men – they don’t really want to break up with them but do try so, hoping it will change the outcome.

So, whether you don’t want to block someone because you don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to block them because you are holding out hope for a different ending, it is important to know that blocking your ex will save your sanity. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road.

So, why will blocking your ex save your sanity? Let me share.

#1 – You won’t get your fix and then have it taken away. Over and Over.

I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. She really wants to do it but she tells me that she just can’t block him now. I told her that I would support her but that the only way that she will truly be able to let go of him is if she blocks him.

A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.

She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him, and they talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had gotten a taste of him and he was gone again.

This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. She was alternately elated and completely destroyed. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are now back together.

She told me that she had to do it to save her sanity. That he was making her crazy and she needed the pain to stop. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t. If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.

#2 – He won’t have an opportunity to wiggle his way back in.

It is truly amazing to me what married men do when their lover tries to break up with them. They initially agree that it is the best thing as he knows that they is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.

You see, a married man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to stay married for all the reasons and he wants his affair partner to make his life a better place. So, while his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.

So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his lover is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.

#3 – You won’t need to be strong – your phone will do it for you.

Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.

Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful, falling in love, both in person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.

Now its time to use that phone for good. If you can block your guy, you won’t have to worry about being strong.  You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking him back. If he can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear his voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.

#4 – He won’t be able to wound you with his words.

Be honest – doesn’t your guy, particularly if he is a married one, more often than not, make you feel sad with his words.

Does he declare that he loves you, that you are his soul mate, that he has never had a love like he has with you and then, in the same breath, say that he will never leave his wife and his family?

Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with him over and over, trying to get a different outcome?

Or, if you do manage to try to break up with him, does he repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?

Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block him!

#5 – You won’t have to say good bye over and over.

I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”

This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.

I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. (Which, as my regular readers know, is a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time) Anyway, what happened when she went to see her married guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.

So, if you block your guy, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!

#6 – He won’t be able to make you feel guilty.

This is something that I recently realized was a thing – especially with married man – that a guy would make his lover feel guilty for leaving him.

One of my clients told me that she knows, because they still talk, that he is hurting and that she can’t cut him off completely because she wants to be there for him. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.

But, the reason that he is hurting is OF HIS OWN MAKING. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could make the choice to choose her but he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her – its on him!

So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease his, as you always do.

#7 – You will rebuild your self-esteem.

One thing that happens when women repeatedly try, and fail, to break up with their guy, is that they start to lose faith in themselves and it damages their self-esteem.

Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.

That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!

#8 – He will see that you really mean it this time.

For many of my clients, they have broken up with their married man over and over. The man pushes back a bit but knows exactly how to get them back – with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.

If you can manage to block him, your married man, and an ex, will see that you are serious. That he won’t be able to do the things that he has done to get you back. That, this time, you might actually walk away.

And yes, while that might cause him pain, it is exactly what he needs. He needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. He needs to know that you won’t take his empty promises again. He needs to know that he hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.

Blocking your guys sense him a message, that it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting him go.

#9 – You will finally be able to move on and have a new life.

So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling when they are away from their guy. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him too. And that pain is pain that will never go away. Break up pain will fade but if you are being hurt regularly, you will just continue to suffer.

If you can block your guy, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your guy and that you will ever be happy again. BUT YOU WILL AND CAN.

And, if you block him you will have the best chance to get that life. A life full of friends and success at work and self confidence and, maybe, even love.

You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away!

So there you go, 9 reasons why blocking your ex will save your sanity.

Sanity. This is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right guy for you is all about. The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.

I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again – the ONLY way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block him. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy, particularly her married guy, if she fails to block him!

You can do this – you are a woman after all!

11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken So You Can Get the Love You Want

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11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken

I say this over and over but it is true every time – there is literally nothing worse than a broken heart.

Waking up in the morning, happy for a moment until you realize what has happened. The physical pain that one feels from the loss. The profound disappointment. The fears for the future that they will never be loved again. All of those things are incredible overwhelming and makes one feel like they will never be happy again.

Well, let me tell you, in spite of what some novels and movies might tell you, no one dies of a broken heart. No one. And you won’t either.

The key is, instead of focusing on your broken heart, focusing on healing. I know it might seem like an impossible task but you can do it!

To that end, let me share with you 11 ways to heal when your heart is truly broken!

#1 – Feel the feelings…

One thing that many people try to do is to push down their feelings when their heart is broken.

After all, feeling ones feelings tends to lead to pain and pain is one of those things that we are biologically wired to not avoid.

Many people want to “tough it out,” to not let their ex have the satisfaction of their pain. Or perhaps they have been taught to never reveal their feelings and so they stuff them down. Or perhaps the pain the feelings cause is just too intense and unbearable. For whatever reason, people don’t face their feelings head on after a break up.

But, not feeling your feelings won’t help you heal. Pushing down your feelings will only get them stuck in your body where they will fester and make things worse for you. It is important that you feel your feelings, feel the pain, and then consciously let them go.The feelings won’t go away but I can promise you that, with time, the pain will lessen and you will feel better.

And that is how you start to heal.

#2 – …but don’t let them consume you.

For those of you who feel your feelings deeply, who aren’t scared of the pain and let their feelings become an integral part of their lives after a break up, I encourage you to stop!

Feeling ones feelings is one thing, and a very important thing, but letting those feelings take over your life will only hold you back from healing.

I always recommend that my clients let themselves truly embrace their broken heart for a short period of time, perhaps a few weeks. After that, it is important that those feelings not be what drives you. That they are there, in the background, but that you are living your life in spite of them.

There is nothing that will hold back healing more than allowing those feelings to overwhelm you. To spend all of your time in your head, replaying what has happened over and over, feeling sorry for yourself and angry at the world. Instead, if you can pick your head up, recognize that you will be okay and take steps out of the world of constant pain, you will give your body, and you mind, the chance to heal.

#3 – Block them, unfriend them, unfollow them.

I am sure that you are thinking that blocking, unfriending or unfollowing your ex is “very harsh.” I hear this all the time, especially from women, that they feel like they are being unkind if they do those things. They also feel like if they do those things, their relationship is truly over, that their ex will never be able to reach them if they want to get back together.

And I get that but, if you don’t take this step, you will never get over your broken heart. Never.

A big part of healing when your heart is broken is to cut off contact with your ex. Its important that they not be able to reach out to you, to have “closure” or to “be friends” or to manipulate your emotions in any way. If they can do that, they will set you back big time and only make the pain worse.

Its the same with seeing what your ex is doing on social media. I have many clients who just “take a peek” figuring how bad could it be. And after they see their ex, and they get that shot of dopamine, they only revert back to the intense pain, sometimes even worse.

Why? Because they see their ex getting on with their lives, seemingly not hurting at all after the break up, maybe even hanging out with someone new. All of those things will only make you feel more heartbroken and like their ex never cared for you at all.

Remember, people only post their best selves on social media, especially if they guess that their ex will check them out. They want people to see that their lives are exciting and their exes to see that they have moved on. But all of those things are illusions. Yes, someone might be living their lives but behind the scenes they too are dealing with life and the pain of a break up.

So, don’t ever look at an ex on social media, even “just a peek.” It will only hold you back from the peace that you are seeking after your break up.

#4 – Don’t waste time reinforcing your feelings on social media.

Have you spent a ton of time online, researching what it means to be a narcissist? Do find yourself on TikTok, watching videos of women going through break ups, them talking about how horrible their ex is and how they got gaslit? Do you try to find inspirational posts but only focus on things that reinforce how bad you are feeling?

I get that. Its always nice to be with people who are hurting in a similar way that you are. BUT, being around other hurting people on social media is different. These people are not your friends. They do not know your situation. They are just speaking, in a void, about their own experiences and what they think you should do.

And, rarely, do people who are on social media talk about how happy they are. Sure, they are out there, but the algorithm will drive the unhappy ones to your feed because unhappiness drives clicks.

Like everything, moderation is the key. Of course, spend a short period to time scrolling, perhaps the same amount of time that you are deeply feeling your feelings but then put down your phone. If you must be on your phone, seek out inspirational sharing – stories of people who have made it out the other side.

It is important that you stop looking back and holding on to your anger and hurt. Instead, look forward to a time and place where you can be happy, and use social media to help you get the tools to get there.

#5 – Make a list of the issues in the relationship.

This is a very important one – making a list of the things that were an issue in the relationship.

When we get out of a relationship, it is very easy to forget all the things that were wrong with it. And, before you tell me that there was nothing wrong with your relationship – that it was perfect – think twice. Of course there was something wrong with it. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

And, because we forget all the bad things that happen in a relationship, we tend to get nostalgic, remembering only the good things, and that causes us to self-sabotage. To perhaps do some social media stalking. Perhaps reach out to an ex, getting the break up cycle revved up again. Things that definitely won’t help us move forward.

So, get out a pen and paper (use paper – you can keep it close) and make a list of the things that were wrong in the relationships, the times you felt hurt or ignored or slighted. I think that you will find that once you get started, you will have an easy time making the list. Continue to add to it as more things come to you.

And, once you have your list (ever growing perhaps) keep it close to you so that you can refer to it regularly. If you are reminded about the truth of your relationship you are less like to go back to it and more likely to move forward and heal.

#6 – Get off the couch.

Perhaps you are reading this from the couch? Or your bed? Or some other place where you are prone, depressed, sad and lonely.

Of course you are.  Your heart is broken and you just can’t get up and go.

And, I get that!!! But, don’t let yourself get stuck to your couch for long. It will only set you back in your healing process.

Of course, much like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, spending some time on the couch when you are heartbroken is part of the process. Its impossible to go from heartbroken to fine in the flick of a switch. But, like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, its important that you, fairly quickly, get off the couch and out in the world.

It doesn’t have to be a big effort – maybe just getting off the couch to take a shower. Or go for a walk. Perhaps it can be a bit more – maybe a movie with a friend or a drink with your sister.  Whatever would be the thing that will get you off the couch and back out into the world.

The couch is a cozy place but it’s not a place where you will find healing. That is out there in the world and you will only find it through motion.

#7 – Dig into something that will keep your mind occupied.

The last time I had a broken heart, I was devastated. And all I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. And I did that, for a while.

But when I got up I decided that I had to do something. I could continue going on with my life – seeing friends, walking my dog, kind of life coaching – or I could dig into something that would give my life some purpose and keep my mind occupied.

So, I decided to build my business. I buckled down and built my website and started blogging and putting myself out there for free sessions. I worked my butt off, striving to build a business that would take me into the rest of my life and not keep me looking backwards.

And, while I still suffered, the pain was lessened as I found success until, sooner than later, I had a thriving business and a wonderful new boyfriend.

What would be a good thing for you to dig into?

#8 – Don’t play the victim – embrace your power.

This is something that people do all the time when their heart is broken – they play the victim card.

The act like they were wronged. That they were perfect in the relationship and that their partner was incredibly stupid to have left them. That their suffering is worse than any other suffering ever. That they have been wronged and nothing will ever repair them.

It is important that, when you have a broken heart, instead of playing the victim, you embrace your power. That you take a good hard look at your role in the end of the relationship and that you work to make change for yourself. Don’t let someone else dictate how you are feeling or how you react. Take charge of your life and make it be your best one.

I played the victim when my ex-husband left me for another woman until I came to my senses and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage. This sped up my healing big time!

#9 – Shift your energy.

One small thing that people can do when they are broken hearted is to shift up their energy.

Instead of living in space that they used to share with someone, I encourage people to change the space. To get rid of anything that reminds them of their ex. To move furniture and decorations around where possible. To perhaps throw out old bedding and towels and buy new.

I also encourage people to walk, or drive, a different way home. To go to new restaurants and coffee shops. To create new weekend rituals. To do things differently than they used to do things with their ex.

The goal in doing all of this is to shift up your energy – to block the negative energy and allow new, positive energy to flow. I know that it sounds new-agey but it really works. Out with the old, negative energy and in with the new.

#10 – Think about past breakups.

I am guessing that you have been broken hearted before (and yes, probably even as broken hearted as you are now although you refuse to believe it). And, I am guessing that, because you are newly broken hearted, you moved on from that last relationship into this new one. And, just like last time, you will recover again.

And, because you have survived a break up before, you have some tools in your tool belt that helped you get through those dark times. Can you think about those times and dig them out again? Often times, what works for us once will work for us again!

#11 – Believe that you will be happy, and loved, again!

I am sure that right now, even after reading this list, you are feeling like you will never be happy again, that no one will ever love you again.

And I can promise you that THIS JUST ISN’T TRUE.

Just because some bozo didn’t see the value in you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. This break up was a gift – you didn’t have to waste even one more minute on someone who wasn’t the right person for you.

If you can get yourself up off the couch, not dwelling in the past but looking to the future, there is no reason at all why you won’t be able to find your person. After all, they are out there, going through own shit, becoming the person they will be when you finally meet.

I just know it!

9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

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9 Important Things Women Should Never Apologize For – Including You!

Sometimes I find it so hard to believe that it’s 2025 and women still feel that it’s necessary to apologize for things that men would never apologize for. It is something that I see over and over with my clients and when I suggest doing things differently they are often not even sure where to start.

In this day and age, especially, I think that it’s essential that women start speaking up for themselves, using their voice to advocate for themselves and those around them.

To that end, let me share with you a list of things that women should never apologize for, so that you can examine when you apologize, why you do it and how to do things differently!

#1 – Feeling her emotions.

I know very few women who don’t have very deep emotions, and I know very few women who haven’t been shamed at least once in their life for feeling those feelings.

For women, this shame can often start with their parents. Being told not to “be a baby” by crying, or to “be tough,” over and over can lead to someone supressing their feelings in order to please others. By the time they reach adulthood, this tendency to hold in their feelings has become ingrained in them. And, if they show their feelings, they rarely do it in front of people who they know will judge them.

In some ways, its the American way to keep your feelings inside, to tough things out. But you don’t have to do this! As a matter of fact, suppressing your feelings will only make them more intense and could even make you sick.

So, it’s okay to feel your feelings. Yes, some people might judge you but those people aren’t people who you should spend time with anyway.

#2 – Her success.

Are you one of those people who downplays their successes?

Do you work really hard for something and then, when someone comments on it, do you shy away or downplay it?

If you do, it’s time to stop.

Every person in the world who has worked hard for something is allowed to celebrate it. To embrace the feelings that come from accomplishment. To enjoy whatever benefits that success brings. To accept the admiration of people who want to express it.

I have a client who has had a remarkable amount of success at work but whenever her superiors recognize it, she plays it down. As a result, when it came time for a promotion, the new role went to a man, one who was willing to embrace the upper level admiration and, therefore, reinforce it. Her downplaying her success definitely shot her in the foot.

So, if and when you find success, embrace it! And let others embrace it too!

#3 – Her independence.

When I got married, part of my vows was that I would “always come back.” I know that sounds weird but I put that in as an expression of my independence. There was 6 years between my divorce and when I met my new husband . In that period of time, I developed an independent spirit and lifestyle that I loved. I moved to NYC, built a business and travelled extensively. When I met my husband, I wasn’t going to let go of that independence. It was very important to me.

So, I spend a fair amount of time away from home, doing my own thing. And, surprisingly, many people judge me for it. They judge me for leaving my husband on his own, for not doing things with him. They judge me for making my own decisions, oftentimes putting my need for independence first. After all, we are raised to believe that we must put our lives as a couple first, sacrificing who we were as people before we wed. Fortunately, I have a husband who embraces my independence and is happy as long as I always come back!

Independence is a key part of a happy life. Sacrificing yourself for any one person, or to your kids or extended family, at the expense of yourself is something that is okay. Go for it and don’t let anyone judge you for it!

#4 – Putting herself first.

This is something that women rarely, if ever do – put themselves first. For some reason, women believe that, in order to be a good woman, we need to sacrifice everything that is important to us and ensure the happiness and well being of those around us. And we do so at our own expense.

And, if we dare to do things differently, to put ourself first for something big or small, we get judged for it.

Think of women who choose to go to work instead of being a stay at home mom. They get judged all the time for doing so, with many women feeling like they must apologize for it. Or a woman who is honest with her partner about not wanting to spend every Sunday with her mother-in-law because doing so is emotionally draining, and having to apologize for feeling this way

I am not saying that anyone should always put themselves first. It is important to take care of people and meet certain obligations but it’s also okay to sometimes choose you. And if anyone judges you for it, which many people will, they will do so only because they are jealous of your ability to do so!

things a woman should never apologize for

#5 – Being ambitious.

One would think that this wouldn’t be a thing in this day and age but it is. Women who are ambitious are often judged.

Women who are ambitious are judged by some men because they see them as less than. That they don’t have the abilities that men do to be a success. They might believe that a woman got ahead because she was pretty or sexy or something other than capable and they judge them for it. Of course, that judgement comes from being threatened by a woman but that doesn’t mean that it’s okay.

Unfortunately, women who are ambitious can be judged by women as well. Perhaps it’s because they believe that ambitious women don’t put their family first. Or because they perceive an ambitious woman to think that she is better than them. Or perhaps they just don’t understand the choices that an ambitious woman makes.

It is key that, if you are an ambitious women, you celebrate it, that you not apologize for being this way. Again, this is part of who you are and no woman should ever apologize for who she is.

#6 – Speaking up for herself.

This a really tough one for women – being able to advocate for themselves. To be honest with other people about what is important to her.

Again, many women were raised this way. To believe that speaking up for oneself is not okay, that it is important to put other people’s needs first. For many of us, we watched our mothers do just this – keep silent – and that is how we believe a woman should be.

But, the key part of being a happy person is possessing the ability to speak up for oneself. To advocate for what you want and need. Much like feeling your emotions and putting yourself first,  speaking up for themselves is something that women should actively do and never apologize for it. Again, a man would never apologize for advocating for themselves – they do it automatically. It’s time for women to do the same.

#7 – Wanting what she wants.

I talked to a client last week who had just wandered into a new shop and purchased some clothes. She had fallen in love with these things and knew that they would be the perfect addition to her wardrobe.

And, she felt horrible about it.

She felt horrible about it because she believed that spending money on herself was silly; that she should save the money for her kids and her husband. The guilt that she felt for acting on what she wanted was deep.

And then she told me about how her husband hired a golf pro 5 days a week to work on his golf game and that he had no guilt at all for doing so.

We talked about why it should be that he could spend money and be fine with it and that she might buy herself a few things and feel guilty. She couldn’t explain it to me – she just did.

I told her that it was okay to embrace what she wanted. After all, its her money and she puts in a lot of time and effort for her family and that a little something for herself was perfectly fine. She deserved it.

My client did not, as she originally planned, return those items but instead she wore them proudly to church the next day!

#8 – Believing her truth.

How many times have you gone into a conversation with someone, very clear about what is your truth. And how many times have you left that conversation badgered into some other version of your truth? More than once, I am guessing.

It is important that women have faith in their own truths. That they are wiser than they think and what they believe to be a truth is a truth, it is their truth. Just because someone else doesn’t embrace the same truth, it doesn’t mean that you have to shift yours.

Many women apologize for sticking to their truths, for not being “flexible” and bending to the will of others. And, because standing up for their truths instead of capitulating is something that women often do, they not only accept someone else’s truth but apologize for having one of their own.

It doesn’t have to be this way! Women are very reflective and often land on their own truths in a thoughtful way. That is nothing to apologize for.

#9 – Knowing that she is good enough.

When reviewing the preceding 8 things that women should never apologize for, I see one consistent theme – that a woman should never apologize for knowing that she is good enough.

Good enough to have an opinion, to advocate for herself and to put herself first. To stand by what she believes in, to embraces what she wants, to value her independence.

Many women apologize for being and having all of those things because they just don’t feel like they deserve them – that they are not worthy of speaking up for themselves and having what they want in life. Instead, they struggle with low self-esteem and do not believe themselves worthy. As a result, they apologize for much of their lives, truly believing that they don’t deserve the right to get what they want in life. And, because they apologize and don’t reach out for what they want, they tend to get over looked and under appreciated, something that only damages their self-esteem further.

So, know that you are good enough. EVERY woman is good enough to not have to apologize for their lives. Including you!

There you go – 9 things women should never apologize for – including YOU!

I hope that reviewing this list has given you some insight into instances where you apologize and why you do so. Understanding why you might apologize is the key to making change. And making change is exactly how you can get the life and love that you want!

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

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Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

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9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

If you are like many women who are going through a break up, you probably don’t see how you could possibly move on without closure. Without having one more time to talk to your ex, to process what has happened so that you can move forward. And I get it.

But, let me tell you, closure is myth.

Closure is just another excuse to see and talk to your ex in the hopes that things might turn out differently this time. And closure won’t really give you any peace – it will just make things harder in the long run.

So, if you can skip closure, there are lots of other things that you can do if you want to survive a break up. Let me share some of them now.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a break up – to block your person. And it’s the number one thing that I just can’t get women to do! Women feel they are being rude, or unkind or that they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person.

And, of course, they are hoping that their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.

When men reach out after a break up, more often than not, it is not to get back together. Its because they are lonely or horny or feeling guilty but not because they want to get back together. So, while the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could very well mean nothing to him. All that will do is keep you attached to him, unable to heal.

And, I can promise you that, if a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you.

Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person to contact you is going to hold you back from surviving the break up. What happens is that you will go through this period of intense pain – there is nothing worse than break up pain. And then, the pain will start to fade and you will perhaps have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of that pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be left right where you started.

#2 – No stalking.

There are so many evils about social media and the biggest one is it being such a huge obstacle to surviving a break up.

Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. Perhaps they might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what, specifically, was happening in their lives. Yes, they had pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly that their ex had moved on.

Think about every time that you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex. Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know that they aren’t happy either? Are you doing it because you want to let them know that you are looking at them because you miss them? Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine that you get when you see them?

And, when you take that peek – what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.

Remember, NO ONE posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Men in particular don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keeping moving, even if they are in pain.

If you let him know that you miss him, you are only giving away your power as he will think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know that they have gotten on with their lives or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!

#3 – Take stock of the things that were off in the relationship.

When we break up with someone it is really easy to forget the bad stuff, all the stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We only remember the good times, all of the things that we did together that made us happy.

Unfortunately, by the time a break up happens, more likely than not, the relationship is comprised more of the bad stuff and not the good stuff, enough so that one person sees that the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.

I encourage you to take stock, in writing, of all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. I also encourage you to take stock of the things that your ex did to you that hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.

If you have a list of these things handy, when you are feeling nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.

#4 – Take accountability for your role in what happened.

When we are broken up with, its very easy to believe that everything that happened in the relationship is the other persons fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they just stopped caring. And I get that. But, the reality is is that there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear some responsibility for what happened.

If you are really honest with yourself you might see that there are things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the end of the relationship. Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt. Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping that they could guess what you needed. Perhaps you bent over backwards to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.

Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, it is important that you understand it. Doing so will make accepting the break up easier and also help you with a new relationship going forward.

survive a break up

#5 – Get up off the coach.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are sitting on your couch or in your bed, feeling sorry for yourself. You have spent the past period of time time reading blogs and looking at TikTok, trying to figure out what happened in your relationship, hoping it will make you feel better.

And I get it – I have been there!

But it is important that you not spend much more time indulging in your break up. That you stop looking for things that will justify your feelings or giving you confirmation that your ex is a narcissist. Instead, I encourage you to start looking up articles and videos that will help you move forward.

If you devote all of your energy to your break up and none of your energy to what is next, you will just get stuck in this place with no hope of getting through it and moving on.

So, spend a bit more time indulging in finding information that will justify the end of your relationship but, soon, get up off the couch, go for a walk with a friend and live a little. When its time to scroll again, look for things that will give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.

#6 – Spend time with those who love you.

Chance are that you are feeling pretty bad about yourself after your break up. After all, you have probably spent some unhappy time in a relationship that wasn’t working, time in which your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.

You are NOT unloveable. What you are is someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now that relationship is over.

What you can do now is spend time with people who love you – your friends and family. People who will remind you that you had a life before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with those people who might make you question yourself. They will only give you more fuel for feeling badly about yourself, something that is not the goal!

#7 – Don’t play the victim.

When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly, walking away from our 20 year marriage, leaving me heartbroken.

One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful, and she looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. That, yes, he might have instigated the divorce but that I had been unhappy for a long time. That I had pushed him away and that I had a role in what happened.

I was not happy at first but then, when I really thought about it, I recognized the value in it. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something that was out of my control then I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.

I wasn’t some victim whose life was going to end – I was a woman who was in a really rough patch but who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.

Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop doing so and move forward.

#8 – Put yourself back out there.

I am sure that the last thing that you want to do right now is to start dating again. And I get that. After all, you miss your person and you can’t picture ever being in another relationship.

But, what I am suggesting is that you put yourself out there to flirt and have fun, not to jump into another relationship that you aren’t ready for.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get back out there with your friends, doing the things that you like to do and the things that you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!

So, put yourself back out there into the world. Get up off the couch and start living again.

#9 – Seek help from someone other than your friends.

I know that I told you to spend time with those who love you and do do so! Friends are key to getting through a break up.

That being said, its important that you not rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Why? Because your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and whats next. They also have personal experience with break ups, experiences that they will seek to project on your break ups even if they shouldn’t. Furthermore, they might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.

I always say that, as a life coach, I am a friend without an agenda. Sure, I have had experiences in my life but I am not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, I will take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you, using my life coach training and the information that I have gained in my years of coaching, to help you get through your pain and start a new life.

I am not saying that you should not seek any love and support from your friends – do! But know that having an impartial person who can give you some perspective on the break up and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quicker.

So, there you are, 7 Pieces of Break Up Advice for Women that Don’t Include Getting Closure.

I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Just know that you will get through it. That you will be able to recover from this break up and move forward. After all, I am guessing that you have survived a break up before and you will do so again!

I promise!

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