The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

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The 5 Stages of Grief that Happen After the End of a Marriage and How to Get Through Them

Over the dozen years that I have been a life coach, and as I have lived my life, I have come to learn that going through the end of a marriage can be akin to going through the death of a loved one. Sometimes the pain is even worse as death is inevitable and the end of a marriage is not so. When we make wedding vows, we make them for a life time. The breaking of those vows is devastating.

In her seminal work, psychiatrist Elizabeth Kubler-Ross posited that the brain goes through 5 stages of grief after the death of a loved one. Those 5 stages of grief are denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people go through these stages, sometimes in this order and sometimes out of order but anyone dealing with a death goes through them.

If we apply these stages of grief to the end of a marriage, it helps us understand what we are going through and allows us to develop tools to manage them and get through to the other side intact.

Let me share the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage so that you can manage them in a productive way and be able to move on with your life.

#1 – Denial

If you are in the first stages of going through a divorce, I am sure that, to some extent, you are in a state of denial, a defense mechanism your brain adapts where you are refusing to accept the truth.

After all, this person who you swore to commit to for life will no longer be your spouse. No matter how many years you were married, all of the experiences that you shared seem irrelevant, like they no longer happened. The person who you are used to sharing things with might now feel like an enemy. Perhaps you are trying to calm your kids’ fears by saying that things are going to be okay, even if you don’t believe that they will be.

What you can not yet do is full comprehend that this is happening, that your spouse is no longer going to be your spouse.

Fortunately, denial is something that doesn’t last forever. Eventually the brain comes to recognize the truth and accept what has happened. Denial, like the other stages of grief, won’t last forever.

To manage their denial, I always encourage my clients to keep a running list of the reasons around the end of the marriage. What happened, what didn’t happen, what their role was in the end of the marriage and what was their spouse’s. For many people, they are in denial because all they remember is the good stuff – the happy times, times that might signify that there still might be a chance that the marriage can be saved. As a result, they stay in a state of denial of the reality of the situation, something that will hold them back from healing.

So keep track of how you got to where you are – understanding will help you move through this stage more quickly.

#2 – Anger.

I have a client who first reached out to me because her husband had notified her by via email that he wanted a divorce. (I know! Cowardly, right!) She was devastated and refused to believe that this was happening. She had closed herself off to the world and was living in denial, unable to move forward.

It didn’t take long, however, for that denial turned to anger.

She had many reason to be angry. After all, her marriage was over. Her husband has sent her a EMAIL saying that he wanted a divorce. She was worried about finances. She found out than he had left her for someone else. All of those things she was justified in making her angry.

That being said, those things weren’t the foundational reason she was angry. She was angry because her brain, after wallowing in despair, had shifted to feeling anger. According to the University of Berkeley, everyone who experiences anger is feeling that what is happening is unfair. When this happens, people feel helpless, threatened, vulnerable, victimized, violated or unable to get their needs met. When these things happen, people get angry.

People get angry in different ways. They can be aggressive, they can by passive aggressive, they can internalize their anger or they verbalize their anger in a productive way. Either way, when faced with the end of a marriage, in one way or another, anger manifests.

The key to managing anger is to try to take a step back and not make rash decisions. In the moment, take deep breaths as oxygen will fuel your brain to keep it thinking straight. Verbalize your anger in a productive way to someone who is supportive. If the anger is ongoing, self-care is key.

The anger stage of grief can be very destructive. The anger that my client felt has not completely passed in part because she never shared with him her feelings. As a result, they are pretty bottled up inside, eating away at her. I know that she will get through it in time but for now its hanging on, even as she is going through the other stages of grief.

#3 – Bargaining.

The bargaining stage of grief is not as clear as that of denial and anger. Bargaining involves making an agreement of some sort to manage our feelings of hopelessness.

Bargaining can mean different things in different circumstances. When dealing with the sale of a car, we bargain when we can’t afford it. When we need a child to take their medicine, we offer ice cream in return. When negotiating in business, bargaining involves give and take towards a common goal. Some people even bargain with God, offering to change their behavior to achieve a certain outcome.

Bargaining when going through a divorce can be a combination of all of those things. I know that in the first stages of my divorce I bargained big time. I told myself that if I changed my behaviors, I could get a different outcome. I tried bargaining with my ex with sex, hoping that I could get him back if I had sex with him more. I even tried bargaining with his new girlfriend, asking for six months to save my marriage. If I couldn’t do it in six months, he was all hers.

Unfortunately all of that bargaining got me nowhere. My marriage ended. What I was able to do with bargain with myself. I told myself that if I held my head up high, went through the divorce with grace, got up off the couch and went to yoga, and made sure that I advocated for myself, when I got out the other side of the marriage I would have a great life, a better one than the one that I had in my marriage.

And, guess what, it worked. I got through it and out the other side and I am happy.

#4 – Depression.

This, I believe, is the worst stage of grief – the stage of depression.

In and of itself, depression is a horrible feeling. When we are depressed we feel hopeless that we could ever be happy again. We feel helpless, that we have no control of our lives. We aren’t motivated to do things that could make us happy, such as exercising or spending time with friends. Instead, we isolate, digging deep into the sadness that we feel. All of these things are horrible and it is impossible to believe that the feelings will ever pass.

There are two types of depression –  chemical depression which is the result of improper firings of the chemicals in the brain. This depression can be caused by genetics but also trauma and is often chronic. And then there is situational depression, temporary depression that is caused by an event or an experience. Both of them are horrible but they can both be managed, albeit in different ways.

When struggling with chemical depression, therapy or life coaching and medication is usually the way to go. The medication can help drive the chemicals in our brain in the right direction, alleviating the sadness after which we can develop coping skills to manage the depression. With situational depression, medication can also be helpful as it can ease the pain temporarily so that we can get through it and out the other side with a minimum of disruption. Talk therapy can also be helpful as is exercise and self-care.

The key to the stage of depression is to not ignore it. It is a stage that, if not managed, can be overwhelming and prevent us from healing.

#5 – Acceptance.

The goal in the work that I do with my clients is to bring them to a place of acceptance. To help them realize that the end of their marriage is happening and that, whether they want the divorce or not, it is what it is. It, like lots of other horrible things that happen, is out of our control and accepting it is the key to healing.

To get to a place of acceptance, we often have to go through the first four stages of grief. We deny because our brains must be given the chance to catch up to what has happened. We get angry because we feel helpless. We bargain as a way to change the outcome and we get depressed because we realize that there is nothing that we can do. And then, after some or all of those stages, we can find acceptance.

I know that my client has finally reached that place of acceptance. It took her about 6 months to get through the denial phase by constantly processing that what was happening was happening and that it might even be for the best. Her bargaining with herself looked like spending money and doing the things that she loved as a way to manage her emotions around what was going on. She is still struggling with some underlying anger but it is less than before and she got some meds for her depression – something that she really didn’t want to do but is really glad that she did. She in now in the final stages of her divorce. She has accepted that it is going to happen, and she is getting on with her life.

Acceptance is the goal – and acceptance is the thing that will allow us to move forward with our lives, to let go of the past and to live the life that we want to live!

So there you go – the 5 stages of grief that happen after the end of a marriage.

Again, the end of a marriage is like a death – the life that we have lived for however long is over. And that end can be devastating.

But understanding the stages of grief that we go through as we move forward through that divorce is a key to getting through it. If we can manage each stage is a healthy way, the chances that we will work our way through them and come out the other side intact is way more likely to happen.

You can do it! I know that you can!

Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

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Going through a Break up? 7 Ways to Emotionally Detach to Get Through it.

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. The physical, mental and emotional pain can be so intense that sometimes its easy to question whether it is survivable.

But I can promise you that no one has ever died of a broken heart and that, sooner or later, the pain will fade and you will move forward with your life. One key element of doing so is to emotionally detach from what has happened, at least for some period of the time.

Of course, a key part of getting through any kind of pain is to feel the pain, to not stuff it down, but to let it run through your body and then let it go. Stuffing pain down into your body will only trap it there and the pain will only get worse. That being said, feeling that pain all the time will suck you physically and psychically dry so emotionally detaching is an important part of the healing process.

A dozen years of working with clients who are struggling has given me unique insight into what works best to emotionally detach when going through a break up. Let me share some of those insights now.

#1 – Take a yoga class.

I remember when a friend was going through a break up, I recommended that she take up yoga. It had helped me get through my divorce in a big way. She rolled her eyes at me and asked me why everyone was telling her to do yoga.

6 months later she was a yoga instructor.

The thing about yoga is that it quiets the mind in more ways that one. Practicing yoga poses is complicated (and intimidating, I know) and doing them takes a fair amount of concentration. When you are concentrating on doing a yoga pose correctly, you just can’t think about your break up. Furthermore, much of yoga is about consciously quieting the mind, trying to think about nothing at all. Its incredibly hard to do but, even if you can do it for a few seconds, it gives your brain a break from thinking about your pain.

Of course, when yoga is done, you might go back to thinking about the break up and feeling the pain but you will have had a 1.5 hour break from feeling the pain, something that will be good for both your body and soul.

#2 – Use social media to help you heal not to hurt.

Be honest. How much time have you spent since your break up on social media, looking for information on narcissists or people who cheat or emotional trauma or toxic relationships? A fair amount I am guessing. And the time that you spend doing these things might feel perversely good. You are able to focus on everything that is wrong with the other person and interact with people who are going through the same thing, Unfortunately, repeatedly doing this will only keep you completely attached to your pain.

When you are seeking out information on the toxic aspects of things, you will only find the most toxic aspects of things. And, when you see a TikTok video of someone ranting about their dysfunctional ex or read quotes that are angry and bitter, it will only keep you feeling angry and bitter and mired in your pain.

And, of course, seeung to do with your ex, ANYTHING, will take you to a bad place.

Instead of spending time on social media focusing on the break up, in order to emotionally detach and move forward, I would encourage you to seek out that which is inspirational; things that will give you hope for the future. By interacting with people who have survived a break up and are feeling positive, you will absorb their positivity, even if only for a short time.

#3 – If you can, get out of town.

I have a client who has been devastated by a break up. She found out that her partner of 4.5 years had another girlfriend and, when she found out, that man chose the other woman. The pain that she was feeling was intense; she described it as a physical pain that was consuming her body.

Fortunately, about three weeks into her break up, she had a business trip scheduled out of town. It wasn’t something that she was looking forward to because she was still wallowing in her pain but it turned out to be the best thing that could have happened to her, emotionally.

Being out of town disconnected her from painful memories of her ex and the things that they did together. She ate at new restaurants and saw things that she hadn’t seen before. She met new people, people who know nothing about what she was struggling with. For 3 full days, she spent more time not focused on her pain which gave her mind and her body a break.

Of course, when she went home, the pain came back but not nearly as strong as it had been before she left and she felt a little bit more capable of handling it.

emotionally disconnect after break up

#4 – Spend time with people who love you – with no talk about the break up.

I know that you are feeling a ton of pain and feel like your life will never be the same. And I get that. But the reality is is that, most likely, before you met your ex you had lived a full life, a life without them in it, and that you were happy.

And a huge part of the time that you lived before he came into your life involved good friends and  loving family. Friends and family who you experienced life with. Friends and family who supported you through bad times and celebrated good ones with you. Friends and family who think you are wonderful and make you feel loved.

If you can spend time with friends and family, time spent not focusing on your break up but focusing on the life that you have always had, you will be able to emotionally detach even for a few hours, giving yourself a break from the pain.

#5 – Get out there for a walk or a run, AirPods in your ears.

I know. The last thing that you feel like doing right now is getting off the couch, putting your sneakers on and getting outside. But, if you want to emotionally detach from your pain, getting out there will be the best thing that you do.

Walking or running is very rhythmic. When we walk or run we, consciously or not, tend to focus on taking the next step. Much like doing a yoga pose, the act of running or walking can give our brain a break from those desperate thoughts.

If you have your AirPods in your ears, you can detach yourself one step further. When I was going through my divorce, listening to music as I walked felt so damn good. Power ballads by Lady Gaga and Beyonce were my go-to, songs that made me feel sad and also made me feel powerful. I would sing along as I walked, my heart rate elevated, my blood pumping and, by the time my walk was done, I felt exhilarated and feeling hopeful for the future.

Yes, the exhilaration wore off after a while but, even if for an hour, I got a taste of how I was going to feel once this break up pain faded.

#6 – Find a podcast that makes you happy and keep it on continuous play.

When I was going through my divorce, my time in the car was always the worst for me. I would perseverate about my husband and his new girlfriend. I would worry about how I was going to move forward. I would assure myself that I would never love or be loved again. And, when I reached my destination, I was usually a very crabby camper.

And then I discovered podcasts. I had never listened to them before – in fact it was a badge of honor for me that I had never indulged. My daughter introduced me to “You’re Wrong About,” a podcast that debunked urban legends. The hosts,  Sarah Marshall and Michael Hobbes, thereafter joined me on my car rides.

Listening to podcasts was great for me. I learned new things, things that I hadn’t known before, things that I would take into my future and weren’t part of my past. The hosts were hilarious and made me smile when I thought that smiling was impossible. Most importantly, listening to them distracted me from the negative tapes that I was running over and over in my mind.

I have continued to listen to podcasts in the car. They do an excellent job distracting me from the terrible disfunction that is happening in our world, giving me a break from the despair that I am often living with about the future of our country, even if just for a short time.

#7 – Get rid of every gift they have ever given you and anything they left at your house.

A client of mind did the most amazing thing last week. It had been weeks since her break up and, while she was feeling better, she was still struggling more than she wanted to. She was still wearing the bracelet that he had given her and she found his sweater under the bed. Looking at her bracelet and the encounter with his sweater set her back, big time.

What did she decide to do? She decided to gather everything that he had given her or that he had left behind and burn it. She invited her friends to join her, encouraging them to bring anything that they needed to burn or to just come and be together helping her celebrate the destruction of tangible evidence of her old relationship. She and her friends built a bonfire and burned everything. She told me that for one full evening she felt invincible, which gave her hope for the future.

Of course, fire isn’t the only option for getting rid of your ex’s stuff. I took everything I found and put it in a bag which I tucked away somewhere that I knew I wouldn’t stumble upon it. When I was ready, I sorted through the things, feeling my feelings about them. And then I got rid of them. I recycled the letters, gave the clothes to Goodwill and sold the gold necklace on E-bay. It was interesting because when I was doing these things I felt strong and hopeful for the future. Instead of focusing on the pain, I was focusing on letting go and moving forward. And I spent the money from the necklace on a purse I had been eyeing for a while. Carrying that purse instead of wearing that necklace allowed me to emotionally detach in a way that I hadn’t been able to do so far. It felt amazing.

I know that right now it’s hard for you to believe that you will ever get past this pain and that emotionally detaching will be impossible. But I promise that you can do it!

When we are suffering, it is so easy to lose ourself in it, to wallow in our feelings of self-pity, anger, hopelessness and despair. But you don’t want to lose your sanity to this break up, something that will happen if you let yourself stay in the place of pain.

Making an effort to emotionally detach, even if just for a little bit, will be a big step for you as far as moving forward and letting go of the pain of the break up. After all, do you want to give him the satisfaction of destroying you?

No, I am guessing not!

So get up off the couch and do one of the things that have worked for me and for my clients and join the ranks of women who didn’t let someone who hurt them keep us down!

7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

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7 Ways to End the Cycle of Break Ups With Your Married Man and This Time Make it Stick

Every day I talk to clients who are trying, and failing, to break up with their married man and make it stick.

They don’t want to break up with them because they don’t love them but because they just can’t take it anymore. They can’t take the broken promises, the not being made a priority, the lack of understanding about the torture that they are going through.

They have tried and tried to be patient while their married man takes “baby steps” and they have finally decided that its time to break up and move on.

The issue is is that they have tried to break up over and over and over and it has never stuck. They have stayed away for a few days, weeks or months but always get sucked back in. How, they wonder, to do things differently this time around?

Many, many of my clients have left their married man and moved on to find true happiness. In fact, I did too. Let me share how those of us made it to the other side did so, so you too can finally leave your married man and get the life you want!

#1 – Are you sure that you want to do this?

This is the first step to making a break up with your married man stick. You must be determined to really do it this time.

How many times have you broken up with your person only to suffer unthinkable pain and ultimately reunite with them? He renews his promises and you have wonderful make up sex and you start to believe again. How long after this reunion did you begin to suffer again? Hours, most likely; if you are lucky maybe 24 hours.

I always point out to my clients what a waste of time and energy a break up is if you aren’t fully committed. Putting yourself through the pain and then letting yourself down by letting him back in isn’t good for one’s mental health. Doing so over and over can be life sucking. I know that, after 1.5 years trying to break up with my married man, I was a shell of myself.

So, before you follow the next steps, ask yourself if you are truly ready to do this. If you aren’t, bookmark this article for when you are!

#2 – You must definitively inform him that its over.

For many of my clients, when they get to the end of their rope, again, they often, in a fit of anger, block their guy and swear that they will never talk to them again. In the moment, they mean it. And then the anger fades and their resolution wavers.

I always tell my clients that they need to tell their affair partner that they are done. They need to make it very clear that their affair partner respect what they are asking for, namely letting them go once and for all. The affair partner must agree to not contact them at all and to fully grasp the pain that they have been causing.

This can be done either in person or via text but it must be done – the married man MUST understand that the break up will stick this time.

Your married man doesn’t want to let you go. Yes, he might be causing your tremendous pain but it is his needs, and the needs of his wife and family, that he is putting first.

Your married man needs you. He needs you to adore him, to be there when he needs you, to have great affair sex with and to give him some (misguided) hope for the future. If he loses you, he will be left with nothing, just an unhappy marriage and memories of you. He also knows that, if he lets you go, you will most likely find someone else and live happily ever after.

So, your married man isn’t going to just let you go – it will be on you to make it happen. Start by telling him that this is what you need him to do.

#3 – You must commit to having no contact with him.

I am guessing that you and your married man started out as friends and that, in an ideal world, you would maintain that friendship. I am sorry to say, its not going to happen.

An essential element of making your break up stick this time around is to not be in contact with your married man at all. No texting. No talking. No checking out their social media. No seeking closure. No being where you know they will be. NOTHING. Even on birthdays and anniversaries and holidays and special events. NOTHING.

The reality is is that any contact with your married man will carry the risk that you will let him back in. And, any contact that you have with your married man will cancel out any progress that you have made in letting him go. Unless you aren’t in contact with him, then you won’t be able to let him go.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you could never block someone – its so rude. And I want to tell you that that is just a justification. If someone where contacting you who you didn’t like or made you uncomfortable you would block them. You just don’t want to block your married man because you want to keep the door open for him to come back someday. I can promise you, if you block your married guy and he gets his shit together, he will do whatever he needs to do to contact you – he won’t need your phone number.

I absolutely can not understate the importance that going “no contact” will have in your ability to let go of your married man once and for all. So do it, for the sake of your future.

#4 – You must have to ride out the pain, no matter how bad it is.

Without exception, my clients who go back to their married men do so because the pain of the break up is so intense that they can’t deal with it. One of my clients described it as a physical pain so intense she believed that she was going to die. No one, I pointed out, has ever died of a broken heart.

Yes, there is nothing worse than the pain of a broken heart. Nothing. But the thing about broken hearts is that they heal. Times goes by, pain lessens and hearts become whole. And then life goes on, maybe with a dull ache in the background but it goes on, most often in a wonderful way.

BUT, let me ask you. Are you in pain every day because of what is happening with your married man? Have you lost friends, have your work and your health suffered, have you lost your self-respect the long this affair goes on? I am sure that pain that you are feeling is huge – how can it not be.

If you stay with your married man, this pain will continue. As long as he keeps breaking his promises (which he will) you will daily feel pain. If, on the other hand, you can let him go, the pain will pass. You will have the chance to live a real life, not one tormented by what could be.

So, consider your pain. It might seem worse than the pain that you were feeling before the break up but is it really?

break up with your married man

#5 – Write up a list of all of the reasons you are breaking up with him.

I have a client who, when I asked her to make a list of the things about her guy that lead her to break up with him, told me that there was nothing. That he was a really great guy and that she couldn’t think of one thing wrong with him. Ok, I said, let’s dig a little big deeper.

Does your married man make you a priority? No. Does your married man abandon you at the last minute because of family obligations? Yes. Does your married man make promises over and over, only to break them? Yes. Does he care enough about your suffering to do anything about it, one way or another? No.

So, there was plenty of things that was wrong with my client’s married man; they were just things that she didn’t think of when she thought about him. Like many women in love with married men, they tuck those things in the back of mind to justify staying.

Make a list, in writing, of the reasons that you need to break up with him is a key aspect of making it stick. When you are away from your guy, you will only remember the good things. The daily pains will fade and you will be left only with the happy memories. And these memories will lead you down the path to him again. I always encourage my client to refer to the list when they feel like their sentimentality is getting the best of them, to remind them of why they had to leave and why they need to stay away.

#6 – You must fully accept he will never leave his wife. Never.

Be honest, when you do a Google search about whether your married man will leave his wife, do you find any happily ever after stories? Do you find heartwarming tales of a man leaving his wife, marrying his affair partner, seamlessly integrating her into is family and living happily ever after.

No, you don’t.

That is because this married man will never leave his wife. He might believe that he will, and hence the promises, but he won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means not seeing his kids every day, giving away half of his money and perhaps ruining his reputation. Leaving his wife might seem simple but its the rest of the stuff that complicates matters and makes him stay.

I do believe that married men truly do believe the promises that they make to their affair partners – that they genuinely believe that they will be able to leave their wives and be with them. Unfortunately, in my 10 years as a life coach, not one of them ever has. Some of them are even told by their wives to leave and still they stay.

So, don’t kid yourself. You will never have him.

#7 – Understand that you will never get your happily ever after.

Ok, let’s say you don’t believe me that your partner will leave his wife and still you picture your ideal life together. How based in reality is that ideal? Really.

The reality is is that you have been having an affair with this man. You will never, I mean never, be accepted by his family, his children, his social circle. They might tolerate you, but they will never fully accept you. You will spend the rest of your life at odds with the people who your partner loves best. And, these odds could very well be the thing that causes him to resent you and ultimately drives you apart.

Another thing is that you don’t really know this guy. You guys have a wonderful relationship that exists in a bubble, a bubble where there is no conflict over kids or money or mothers-in-law. All you have is time together.

But who is this guy out and about in the world? I know that when my married guy (temporarily) left his wife, I called a friend, concerned that this man who I considered the love of my life was really just a boring guy from Connecticut. What a let down.

So, recognized that this image that you have in your head about happily ever after just isn’t going to happen. I am sorry but it isn’t.

It is my strongest wish that you have read this list and are inspired to let go of your married guy once and for all and more forward to get the life that you want. And I totally understand if you have read this list and just aren’t ready yet.

The reality is is that someday you will hit your limit – that you will be done with the thousand little cuts that you are living with. That you will no longer tolerate being the woman who cheats with another woman’s man. (You know – she isn’t the raging bitch that he says she is – she is a woman stuck in an unhappy woman with a man who is capable of infidelity) That you know that, for the sake of your health and sanity, you must walk away.

When you are ready to do that, this list will help you do so – it will give you the strength and the clarity that you to join the millions of other women out there who had affairs with married man and found the strength to leave them. Women who are now, like happily married me, living happily ever after.

7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

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7 Reasons Why My Client Couldn’t Leave Her Married Man And How She Finally Did

I have been working with a client for quite a while now because she is having an affair with a married man and she can’t let him go. She has been growing increasingly frustrated and unhappy and yet the idea of breaking up with him is very scary.

One of the ways we have been processing WHY she can’t leave him is by asking her what it is that makes her stay. Interestingly, her reasons are the same as most of my clients who are having an affair and ones that always surprise people when I share them.

Let me share them with you!

#1 – She very much wants to believe his promises.

My client definitely has been wearing rose colored glasses when it comes to believing what her married man tells her and its a big reason why she hasn’t been able to leave.

My client’s married man has told her over and over and over that he is going to leave his wife and every time she believes him. In my experience, the majority of married men very much believe it when they tell their affair partner that they are going to leave their wives. That their affair partner is their priority and that it will happen.

Unfortunately, in my experience, very few married men who makes such a promise follows through. Why? Because it’s not about leaving their wife; its about leaving their children, wrecking their finances and alienating themselves from the social lives.

No man wants to give up the opportunity to see his kids every day. No man wants to give away half of his hard earned income. No man wants to alienate all the wives of their friends and end up with no one left.

Nonetheless, my client hoped that things would be different with them and wanted to believe his (very convincing) lies. Unfortunately, this meant that she just couldn’t leave him.

#2 – She believes that they are soul mates.

My client is 100% percent sure that she and her married men are soulmates.

They are connected in ways that she has never been connected before. They can talk about anything. He truly understands her. The sex is amazing. She is sure that, when the time comes, they will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as much as it might feel like it, they are not soulmates.

Every single person I have ever talked to who is having an affair thinks that their affair partner is their soulmate. Every one. My client is not unusual.

What happens in affairs is that the couple lives in a bubble. Nothing permeates that bubble and, as a result, there are no challenges. As a result, the couple stays connected in a way that doesn’t happen in normal relationships. There are no money issues or family issues or career issues. The bubble is where the good stuff happens. How can they not be soulmates?

My question to my client is always – how can this man be your soulmate if he breaks his promises all the time?

#3 – The idea of ever loving another man is inconceivable.

My poor client. She truly thinks that, if she leaves this man, she will never be able to find another man as wonderful as he is.

Someone who can make her laugh, who listens to her, who believes that she is perfect, who takes care of her in bed. That kind of person just doesn’t exist in the world, she believes.

The fact of the matter is the reason that loving someone else is inconceivable is because she is so attached to her married man. He is who she is living for and the idea that she might ever love someone else is something that she just can not grasp.

I repeatedly assure her that the only way that she will never love another man is if she stays in this relationship. If she can let go of him, truly, she will able to energetically open her heart to finding love.

And she will find love – but only if she can let go.

#4 – The sex is the best she has ever had.

Of course an affair is the best sex that she ever had.

How can having illicit sex with someone who says that they love you and understands you not be exciting? All sex is good that the beginning and affair sex is something that always seems like it’s in the beginning. Over and over, whatever period of time my client and her married man don’t see each other, they long for them. When they get back together, it’s like the first time.

Furthermore, my client and her affair partner have lots of drama. When things are good – they are good. When she gets upset about their situation, with him being married, things are really bad. They fight and she leaves and he begs to get her back and, every time, she does so. And the make up sex? Amazing.

For my clients who are in toxic relationship, the sex is always good as well. Why? Because of the make up sex, of course!

#5 – She believes the pain of the break is too much to handle.

For my client, she has more than once left her married man. She usually makes it a few weeks and then she takes him back. Why? Because the pain of being away from him is awful.

And I get that. Pain is horrible to take. But, I ask her, aren’t you in pain everyday when you are with him too?

The answer is always yes. Every single day that she is with him she suffers. Knowing that he is with his family or that his wife and he are on vacation or that none of his friends know of her existence and the hopelessness she feels because of all of it. The pain is intense which makes her want to break up with him again.

The thing is – if she could let go of her married man the pain would be intense, yes, but it would  pass. The more time that passes the less pain she will feel. If she stays with him, that pain will continue, never ending until the relationship does.

 

can't leave married man

#6 – She has alienated her friends.

Because she always wants to make sure that she is available to see her married man, my client has pushed away all of her friends. Any invitations from them get refused and if they are made, plans get cancelled.

If she does see her friends, she sucks up a lot of the oxygen by going on and on about her married man and how he is lying to her and how wonderful he is and how miserable she is. Friends are always sympathetic at first but her friends have gotten sick of her going on and on so they stopped calling.

The idea of letting go of her married man is scary because she is worried that she will be all alone. That her friends won’t want to hear about her pain and that she will be stuck, alone, trying to move forward with her life.

As a result, all she can do is hang onto the person who says he loves her and always will be there for her, even if he isn’t.

#7 – Her self esteem has been decimated.

When I first started talking to my client, she was a very confident woman. She had a great job, great friends, a killer apartment and she loved to take adventures. When we first started talking she had just gotten involved with her married man and she felt pretty good about it.

Now, a year down the road, my client is a shell of herself. She has lost her friends, her work has suffered, her body feels depleted and adventures are a thing of the past. She no longer believes that she is lovable and it has torn her apart.

As a result, because she believes that she is unlovable and not interesting, she believes that no man could ever be interested in her again. That all she deserves is this man and whatever time and love he can give her. The idea of putting herself out there feeling the way that she does is inconceivable so she doesn’t. She stays with good enough, hoping things will get better, even as she fades away into nothing.

So, how was my client finally able to let go of her married man? Let me tell you, it wasn’t easy but she did it!

I wish I could tell you that my client was finally able to let go of her married man because I waved my magic wand, but I can’t. My client needed to rely on one person and one person only to make the break. Herself.

There came a moment in time when she truly couldn’t take it anymore. He had missed her birthday, again, and she was devastated. She decided that she had to be done.

First, she blocked him. See knew that if she had any contact with him that he would win her back. And she knew that he would contact her because he didn’t want to lose her (selfishly!).

Second, she made a list of everything that he did that hurt her, a list that she could refer to anytime she missed him.

Third, she kept herself busy doing things that she loved.

Fourth, she took care of herself. It took her a while to sleep well but eating healthy food and taking walks made her feel stronger.

The key to succeeding here was taking it one day at a time. Her pain was intense. Her body was wracked with it and she was sure she was going to die. Even so, with me cheering her on, she focused on the fact that someday the pain would be better, that one day she wouldn’t think about him every moment of every day, that someday she would find love.

And, her faith in herself worked. Here she is, 6 months out, feeling great about herself and back out there dating. She still thinks of him but she is looking forward, not back, full of hope for the future.

7 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship That You Shouldn’t Ignore

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If you are reading this article you are probably wondering if you, or someone you love, is in a toxic relationship.

And good for you for trying to figure it out. Symptoms of a toxic relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one.

Here are 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you shouldn’t ignore.

#1 – You don’t feel good about yourself

First and foremost, the most important symptom to look out for is whether or not you feel good about yourself.

In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves. They feel good about who they are in the world. They feel good about their relationship. They feel hopeful about the future.

In a toxic relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are a loser. They are sometimes depressed. They don’t feel good about their relationship. They don’t feel hopeful for the future.

This makes sense because – how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is an unhappy one?

Always fighting with their partner, things are always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable – all of that is exhausting.

So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.

#2 – You are making excuses for the relationship.

Be honest. Are you always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, both to yourself and to others.

When things go wrong, do you tell yourself that its all your fault and that if you just do things differently all will be fine. Do you tell yourself that your partner is going through some stuff and that it will be fine once they are past it? Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough long enough, everything will be ok?

How about your friends? Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship? Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself? Do they tell you that this is a toxic relationship but you make excuses for why it’s not?

People who are in healthy relationships know that they are. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of their relationship. They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out.

So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?

#3 – You have lots of make up sex.

Most of my clients who are in toxic relationships have a lot of sex.

They tell me that their relationship can’t be toxic if they want to have sex so much. They tell themselves that they still love their person – if they didn’t, why would they have so much sex?

I can tell you that, for many people in toxic relationships, there are lots of emotions flying around the room. And that emotion can lead to sexual intimacy. Much like break up sex, the need to do something with the negative emotions is intense and sex is a great way to let it go.

What I can tell you is that lots of sex is not a sign of a healthy relationships. And, for women especially, when we have sex with someone it draws us closer to them and make us feel like we still love our person.

So, consider what your sex life looks like? Is it a healthy one, born of feelings of connectedness or is it highly emotional sex that leaves you feeling good and then confused and, maybe, empty?

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

#4 – Your friends and family don’t like your relationship.

This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them.

When we are in a toxic relationship, we are drowning in it. It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads and we just can’t see or hear clearly.

But your friends and family can.

Do your friends and family point out that you always seem to be fighting? Or that you are unhappy? Or that you are being treated badly? Or that you are treating someone badly?

If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them!  They know you best and only want what is good for you!

#5 – It is affecting your life and/or work.

I have a client who reached out the other day and told me that she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess that is her relationship.

She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things that she used to love to do.

So, for my clients, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship but she is also feeling sad and lonely and like a loser. And that isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, she believes that the toxic relationship is all that she deserves.

So, are you finding that you can’t get things done around the house? Or that you are isolating? Or that you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.

Don’t blame yourself – you are most likely struggling in a toxic relationship – and that is what you are feeling like right now.

#6 – Nothing is changing.

This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of – are the same things happening over and over and nothing is changing?

Do you have the same fight? Are the same emotions in action? Are the same unkind words being said over and over? Are you having lots of break up sex?

One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is that, no matter how either, or both, people try, nothing is changing. That even though they know that something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.

Obviously, if things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself that things will sometime go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Because they won’t!

So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make change.

#7 – You spend lots of time looking up info on toxic relationships.

So here you are – reading this article about symptoms of toxic relationships. Is this the first time that you have googled “toxic relationships” or is a consistent pattern?

If you spend hours and hours searching Instagram and TikTok, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, what they look like, then it is very likely that you are in a toxic relationship.

If your gut is telling you that you might be in a bad relationship, enough so that you are seeking information about it, then that is a sign that it is is toxic.

And, looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change – you might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, something that won’t help you make change.

So, there you go – 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you need to look out for.

Relationships start out so hopeful – words of love, hopes for the future. And, when they turn toxic, it can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and to start over again.

So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world. Do your friends and family like your relationship? Is your sex life a healthy one? Is your on-line search history full of things that are following your gut?

If yes, perhaps its time to get out of this relationship and to find one where you can live happily ever after.

You can do it!

Why We Stay: The Truth Behind The Science of Toxic Relationships

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Probably 95% of my clients come to me because they are in toxic relationships. Thousands more read my blogs about toxic relationships every day and reach out, wondering how to get out of theirs.

Without exception, they all believe that they should be able to get out of the relationship. I mean, they know, for the most part, that they are unhappy, but they just find themselves unable to let go.

As a result, they feel terrible about themselves.

After years of study, I have come to see that, in fact, the ability to get out of a toxic relationship is not the result of some character flaw. In fact, it is often the result of chemistry in our brain and instincts in our body that make it impossible to let go of a love, even if it’s sucking us dry.

To that end, let me tell you why we stay – the truth behind the science of toxic relationships.

If you can understand the science, you will understand more about what you are dealing with and, perhaps, learn how to shift things.

#1 – What happened in our childhood.

According to Robert Winston at the National Library of Medicine, “neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as to reduce overall potential and happiness…Indeed, longitudinal studies have reported that a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout life may be significantly impaired by having an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver.â€

When their kids are born, parents are not handed a manual on how to raise kids. Instead, they are forced to wing it. Imagine driving a car without any driver’s ed – the potential for destruction is huge.

As a result, many parents make lots of mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of their own parents. Sometimes those mistakes are based on mental health issues. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of substance abuse. And sometimes they are the result of the parent just being fallible.

Whatever the reason, if a child is neglected, not touched and talked to, during their formative years, it can lead to lasting damage to their emotional wellbeing and an inability to form healthy relationships.

As a result, these people will enter relationships with the hope that they will find the love and affection that they didn’t get in their childhood. Unlike people who are healthily bonded, these people, when they don’t get the love they seek, will stay anyway because it’s all they really know.

#2 – Brain chemicals.

According to Kaia Roman in her article for mbgmindfulness, “when we ask ourselves what makes us happy, we often think of the circumstances, possessions, or people in our lives. In reality, happiness is largely a chemical experience.â€

When we are happy or loved or felt taken care of, our brain emits one (or more) of the “feel good” chemicals: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin.

These chemicals, the result of external stimuli, are things that we, as humans, get addicted to. Life is hard – these rushes of chemicals in our brain make it not so difficult, at least for a while.

This is a key piece of the science of toxic relationships.

When we first get into a relationship, these “feel good†chemicals abound. Falling in love, especially, leads our brain to get flooded with these chemicals and we feel like we will never be unhappy again.

When a relationship turns toxic, our brain has a hard time understanding that this person who made us feel so good now makes us feel so bad. As a result, it (and you) look to this person to help produce those chemicals.

And the brain never gives up – and neither do you. You stay in the relationship, believing that, somehow, you will receive those “feel good†chemicals again.

#3 – State of mental health.

Many people who are depressed, anxious, or otherwise struggling mentally health-wise, are often people who get into, and stay in, toxic relationships.

People who are struggling with mental health issues tend to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Because they feel so bad about themselves and have no hope for the future, they are willing to settle into relationships that are bad.

On the other hand, people who are in toxic relationships can be happy at the beginning and then find themselves sinking into depression or anxiety as a result of its toxicity.

Both of these things lead to the same outcome – staying in a toxic relationship because we just don’t believe that we can be happy in the world, whether in this relationship or not.

#4 – Lack of self-esteem.

Another side effect of mental health issues is a lack of healthy self-esteem.

When someone is in a toxic relationship, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain dry up completely. In combination with lack of primary bonding or events that happen in our lives, this absence of “feel good†chemicals lead to low self-esteem.

And, when we are struggling with low self-esteem, we don’t believe that we deserve any more in a relationship than we are getting.

We believe it when our partner tells us that everything is our fault. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anyone better. We don’t believe that anything will ever change. And so we stay.

Unfortunately, the longer the toxic relationship lasts, the worse one’s self-esteem gets and the more likely someone is to stay!

#5 – We are addicted to love.

As I noted before, those “feel good†chemicals that flood our brain when we are falling in love are addictive. As a result, we seek love where ever we can so that we can get those juices flowing and be happy.

We are also addicted to love because of the society we live in.

For women, we are told at birth that the pinnacle of one’s life is falling in love and getting married. On TV and in movies, the quest for love is a common topic, a quest that usually ends well.

Social media and reality TV flood us with what ideal loves looks like and how to get it!

Unfortunately, these things set us up to be addicted to love – to seek it at all costs and to hold onto it when we have it, even if it’s not healthy.

#6 – Subconscious need for drama.

I am a Pisces and what I have learned about being a Pisces over the years is that we crave drama.

Yes, we yearn for stability and consistency but, counterintuitively, we also need drama to keep us interested. And this doesn’t always have the best consequences.

It’s not only Pisces who seek drama – most of us do.

According to Nicole Roberts in Forbes Magazine, human beings need attention and we actively seek it. “To do this, we instinctively seek more drama. This is because the pituitary gland and hypothalamus secrete endorphins – also known as the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds mimicked by opioids and heroin.â€

Some drama can be good – like watching “White Lotus†– but most drama isn’t healthy. Either way, our brains release endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compound and/or the pain-suppressing compounds.

Toxic relationships are full of drama – usually bad – and that gets the endorphins going.   And this is why the make-up sex is so good – because of those “feel good†chemicals coursing through your body after a fight.

#7 – The need to be linear and efficient.

Are you one of those people who sets a goal on something and does whatever they can to get it?

Or are you one of those people who makes a list and then checks everything off?

Or perhaps the kind of person who never gives up, no matter what obstacles are in front of you?

All of these attributes can serve us well in life but they can sometimes be counterproductive in relationships, especially toxic ones.

So many of my clients stay in their toxic relationships because they have so much time invested. They think that, if they have to start again, all of their time will have been wasted.

Even worse, some clients stay because they don’t believe in quitting. And this, I always say, is self-destructive. If your partner treats you badly or your relationship is toxic and there is very little likelihood of change, not quitting will only make you unhappier.

So, know that, the things that serve us in the real world are things that can sabotage us in love. This is an important think to note when considering the science of toxic relationships.

#8 – Fear.

According to the University of Minnesota, “Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such, it is an essential part of keeping us safe.

However, when people live in constant fear, whether from physical dangers in their environment or threats they perceive, they can experience negative impacts in all areas of their lives and even become incapacitated.â€

When we are in toxic relationships, we are afraid that if we leave them, we will perish.

That we can’t live without our person or that we will never love or be loved again. And, so, we stay, fearful that if we leave, we will literally die.

Is fear, for whatever reason, keeping you in this toxic relationship? Don’t let it. You have overcome fear before and you can do it again!

#9 – Our heart and our brain don’t agree.

One of the things that sabotages us most is the disconnect between our brain and our heart. Our brain tells us one thing, and our hearts tell us another.

You know the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants?†It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always lead to a healthy outcome.

Imagine if you were looking to buy a house. You found the house of your dreams, but it cost substantially more than you can afford. Your heart tells you to go for it, your brain says walk away.

So, which organ do you follow here? Your heart and get yourself in too deep financially? Or your brain, which, if you listen.

The science of toxic relationships is quite fascinating.

While we might think that our failure to walk away from a toxic relationship is due to a personal deficiency, in reality, our bodies are wired, in many ways, to make it hard for us to do so.

Between childhood bonding, “feel good” chemicals, and the constant brain/heart battle, it’s no wonder why we stay in toxic relationships longer than we might otherwise.

All of this being said, while the science of toxic relationships is real, you do have free will. You can choose to work to overcome these biological factors and make changes in your relationship.

It might seem hard, but people do it every day. They walk away from toxic relationships and find the happiness they seek.

You can do it too!

Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships Even if They Know They Should Leave

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I recently read a headline about a woman who was abused who had been killed by her husband.

He said it was an accident but, as the police investigated, they learned that her husband had been abusing her for years.

When I discussed what happened with some of my clients, many of them, while they pitied her, wondered why she didn’t leave her husband when he abused her.

The answer, I am afraid, is not a simple one. There are many reasons why women stay, many of them sometimes insurmountable.

Here are 15 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave so that we can all understand why they do so that we can show them compassion and not judgement.

Knowing these reasons might also help you see why you might be staying in a toxic relationship so that you can have some clarity about what next steps might be for you.

#1 – They are afraid to be alone.

One of the top reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid to be alone. They are afraid that they will be lonely. They are afraid that they will struggle to take care of themselves. They are afraid that they will lose their friends and their social group.

One of the reasons that we all subject ourselves to online dating is because we don’t want to be alone. We want someone to share our lives with.

When we have a bird in hand, someone we are in a relationship with, it’s hard to let it go because then we will have to start all over again. Who wants to do that?

#2 – They think no one will ever love them again.

I remember when my high school boyfriend broke up with me, I was sure that I would never love or be loved again.

I believed that, if he left me, there was no chance that anyone would ever want to be my boyfriend. I was incredibly insecure about myself and truly believed that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Of course, I found a new boyfriend pretty quickly, this being high school and all, but the fear that I never would stayed with me and led me to staying in relationships that weren’t good for me later on in my life.

#3 – They believe that everything is their fault.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they believe that everything that happens is their fault.

Many abusive men (or women) who are abusive are gaslighters. They go out of their way to convince their partners that everything that is wrong in their relationship is their fault.

That if the woman didn’t do this certain thing, everything would just be fine.

That if she didn’t leave the bread on the counter but instead put it away, he wouldn’t have to yell at her.

That if she didn’t flirt with the car repair guy, he wouldn’t have to knock her around.

If she could just keep the kids quiet during the football game, he wouldn’t have to berate her for being a bad mom.

Because a woman in an abusive relationship believes that everything is her fault, she just doesn’t believe that things would be any different in another relationship, so she stays.

#4 – Those moments of happiness between abuse.

Every abusive relationship has those moments of joy. Those moments when everyone is being nice to everyone and feeling loved. And, often, because abusive relationships usually involve heightened emotions, in both directions, those moments are GOOD!

It is those moments, and the moments that they remember from the beginning of the relationship, that lead women to stay in abusive relationships. They want to believe that they can, in fact, be happy in it, because sometimes they truly are.

#5 – They are financially dependent on their abuser.

Another top reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are financially dependent on their partners.

Whether they don’t work or whether they don’t have enough money to survive on their own, leaving just isn’t an option because they can’t afford it.

#6 – Their abuser won’t let them leave.

This happens a lot to women who are in abusive relationships.

Sarakay Smullens, in his abstract, “Five Cycles of Emotional Abuse: Codification and Treatment of an Invisible Malignancy,” notes that “the abuser will become enmeshed, or completely absorbed, with their partner. They will become afraid to let the partner leave and will be overly protective. They will flower their partner with gifts, love, and praise.â€

Quite simply, men who are abusers need their partners to stay because they need to maintain power and control and to not be able to do that is inconceivable.

#7 – They were abused as children.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they had difficult relationships with their parents.

In early childhood, hopefully, one has a relationship with one’s parents that is loving and nurturing. If that kind of relationship exists, their emotional needs are met, and their attachment styles are healthy.

If someone does not have a nurturing relationship with their parents but rather a neglectful, even abusive, one, women will develop an unhealthy attachment style, one that will lead them into abusive relationships as an adult.

To those kinds of people, abuse is the norm, not the exception, and so they stay.

#8 – They are trauma bonded.

According to MedicalNewsToday.com, “trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.â€

Breaking the cycle of trauma bonding is incredibly difficult without professional help, so unless women recognize that they are trauma bonded, they tend to think what is happening is the norm, and they stay.

#9- The kids.

This one is very obvious. They stay because of the children.

For mothers, the instinct to protect their children is primal. They will do whatever they need to do to keep them alive.

Unfortunately, this might mean staying in an abusive relationship to keep their kids from growing up in a broken family or in poverty.

They also want to make sure that they can protect their kids from the abuse and so they stay to make sure they can do this.

Of course, exposing kids to an abusive father will only set them up for attachment issues when they are adults, so staying is, most often, counterproductive.

#10- They want to fix their abuser.

There isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t believe that she can fix a damaged man.

That if she just loves him enough, he will change, and they will be happy.

Unfortunately, no one changes unless they truly want to. No amount of love will stop a man from being abusive, and staying to try to change them will never work.

#11 – They have no support.

For many women who have been abused, their abuser gets between them and their family and friends. As a result, these women feel completely isolated and believe that they will have no support if they leave the relationship.

Furthermore, resources to help abused women are not available to everyone so knowing how to leave, even if you want to, might be out of reach.

#12 – They have no place to go.

Just like being financially dependent on someone, so women who are being abused might be reliant on their abuser to keep a roof over their heads.

Their survivor instinct might be willing to put up with anything to keep themselves, and their kids, warm and dry.

Again, women’s shelters might be few and far between, and, if they are accessible, hard to get into. This would lead a woman to stay as she has no other options.

#13 – They have no self-respect.

One of the saddest things about women who are in abusive relationships is that the pattern of abuse has destroyed their self-esteem.

Being on the receiving end of words of derision, of physical violence, of being told that everything is their fault, leads women to feel worse and worse about themselves.

As a result, they don’t believe that they would be able to survive without their abuser. That they would never be loved again. That they only deserve what they have now.

And so, they stay, not believing that they deserve to be treated better and be happy.

#14 – They don’t believe that they are in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a toxic situation, it’s hard to see clearly what is going on.

Abuse can show up in different ways. Abuse can be physical, it can be emotional and verbal, it can be sexual, and it can involve gaslighting.

For many women, they believe that physical abuse is the only thing that categorizes abuse and they don’t see that being on the receiving end of verbal or sexual abuse might not be okay. And so, they stay.

#15 – They are afraid.

The final, and perhaps most obvious, reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid of what will happen if they leave.

They are afraid that their husband will hurt them, a reasonable fear considering the abuse they have been subjected to over the years.

They are afraid they will be poor. They are afraid that their friends and family won’t believe that they have been abused. They are afraid their children will suffer.

It is natural human instinct to not do things that we are scared of. In ancient times, this fear kept us alive. In more modern times, fear is something that keeps us in the line of fire instead of safely out of it.

So, there you go – why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave.

From the outside looking in, it can be hard to understand why a woman might stay in an abusive relationship but now I hope you see why they might.

No one is immune from an abusive relationship – they happen across all socio-economic lines. The stereotypes that we see from TV and movies aren’t necessarily accurate – it’s not just physical, it could be sexual, verbal or emotional abuse as well.

It’s important to recognize if you, or someone you love, might be in an abusive relationship so that you can figure out how to take next steps to get out of it.

Here is a resource to help you, or your loved one, learn more about abuse in relationships and what your options are.

You can do it!

 

How to Help Your Partner With Depression – Even if They Don’t Want You To

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There is nothing worse than having a partner who struggles with depression, especially if you have never struggled with it yourself.

And depression can have a devastating effect on relationships because managing it can be very difficult.

While it might seem obvious, the steps you might take to help your spouse with depression (i.e. talk them out of it), the steps that truly work aren’t so clear.

Let me share with you how to help your partner with depression and keep your relationship healthy.

Knowing these things will set you up for success as far as helping your partner and keeping your relationship strong.

#1 – Don’t try to fix them.

If there is one thing that you take away from this article, it’s that if your partner has depression, you don’t try to fix them. This means that you don’t try to talk them out of it. You don’t tell them to be strong. You don’t remind them how great their life is.

This means that you don’t tell them that they have to get help, that they have to reach out to a psychiatrist to fix them. This means that you don’t threaten to leave them if they don’t change.

People who are depressed know how great their lives are. They know that they should get help. They believe that you should leave them. The thing is – they don’t care. Their depression is running through their brains, and there is no magical thinking that will change how they are feeling. So, how to help your partner with depression, more than anything, is to be there for them, empathize and love them. Trying to fix them will only push them away.

#2 – Let them know you see them and are there for them.

When people are depressed, as I said above, the last thing in the world that they want to do is be fixed. There is literally nothing that you can say trying to fix them that will make any change.

What will help them is if you tell them that you see that they are struggling and that you are there for them. That you don’t understand what they are going through but that you empathize with how much it is hurting them.

Tell them that you are there for them, just to be, and that, whenever they are ready, you will be there to help them with whatever they need from you. Just having another person see you when you are depressed can be a big help!

#3 – Don’t dismiss their feelings.

If your person is telling you that they feel sad or depressed or hopeless, whatever you do, don’t try to talk them out of it.

Don’t tell them that their life is good or that they are successful at work or a good mother. Don’t remind them of an upcoming vacation or the fact that you have a fun party to go to in a few weeks.

Don’t say anything to them except for “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Trying to dismiss your partner’s feelings when they are depressed will only backfire on you and make them not want to confide in you.

#4 – Ask them what they need.

When your person tells you that they are struggling, ask them what they need. They might not know the answer, but they will appreciate that you asked.

One thing that I always encourage my clients to do when they struggle with depression is to, when they aren’t depressed, talk to their partner about what they need when they are depressed. Oftentimes, when we are depressed, we just can’t see what would help us – we are too far gone. Having a list of what might work and a partner who knows about that list could be very helpful.

#5 – Educate yourself.

If you yourself have never dealt with depression, it can be hard to understand what depression feels like.

I mean, we have all had periods of feeling down, but usually, those times pass, and life goes on. Not so much for someone who is struggling with depression.

In order to help someone, it’s important that you understand what you are dealing with. To that end, educate yourself.

There is an endless amount of information out there about depression. I would encourage you to not go looking at TikTok or Instagram for information about depression. Yes, you will get many people’s perspectives on depression (which might be helpful down the road), but you won’t understand it on its most basic, scientific level if you just rely on social media. Articles from reputable resources are where you should start!

Check out this article to help you get educated about mental health conditions.

#6 – Recognize symptoms.

Part of educating yourself is learning to identify symptoms of depression. If you can see them coming, that will help you be able to help your partner.

Some symptoms of depression: Sleeplessness, hopelessness, isolation, irritability, lack of energy, persistent sadness, and reduced mental clarity.

Of course, all of these things can be indicators of something else or of nothing, but if you see these symptoms in your partner, pay attention and see what is going on.

#7 – Have compassion.

I know that having a partner who is depressed is very difficult. The person that you love is diminished. They are less likely to engage you. They are less likely to be helpful around the house. They might be snappy or even angry. They can just be plain difficult to be around.

If your partner is struggling with depression, try to have some compassion. They don’t want to be depressed, and they don’t want to hurt you. If you can understand this, you will go a long way toward helping them through their struggles.

#8 – Accept them as they are.

If your partner is struggling with depression, sometimes it can be really hard to accept who they are in those moments.

I mean, the person who you fell in love with wasn’t depressed. The person you wake up next to wasn’t this way 6 months ago. The person who you see every day is a stranger to you.

And I know that this sucks, but if your partner is struggling with depression, accepting them as they are in this moment is important. It might be hard, but recognizing that they are struggling and telling them that it’s ok and that you are there for them, just might be the thing that you can do to help them work through it.

#9 – Learn what might be a trigger.

Sometimes people are chemically depressed. This means that their brain chemistry is off in a way that makes it hard to regulate their moods. With chemical depression, it can be hard to recognize why someone gets depressed. They just do.

Someone with situational depression has a different kind of depression. Their depression is caused by a situation or a traumatic event. The cause of their depression is easier to identify and can be easier to manage.

People with situational depression can sometimes work through their depression with time and/or therapy, but some can have things come up regularly that trigger them. Keep your eyes open for what your partner’s triggers might be. Perhaps see if you can prevent those situations from occurring. Getting ahead of it can be helpful to shut down the depression before it even starts!

#10 – Take care of yourself.

When our partner is struggling with depression, it’s very easy to give everything to them. To spend all of our time and energy trying to support them.

And, while this is very loving of you, it’s not ok. Much like we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping someone on an airplane, so too is it important that we take care of ourselves when we are trying to support someone else.

Try to make sure that you eat well and get enough sleep. Do things that make you happy. Make sure that you don’t let tasks go that would lead you to feel bad about yourself. Do what you need to do to stay strong. I know that your partner wouldn’t want you to fall apart if they are struggling. Watching you do so might even make things worse for them. So, don’t do that. For the sake of both of you, take care of yourself.

#11 – Be an active listener.

When your partner is depressed and wanting to share with you what is going on, I would encourage you to be an active listener.

Active listening involves not just hearing what your partner is saying to you but trying to understand what their words mean. To be an active listener, you must be actively involved in the conversation.

This article in Very Well Mind will help you understand what active listening involves and how you can learn how to do it to help your partner when they are struggling.

#12 – Seek help.

Of course, when we see our partners struggling, our first instinct is to try to get them help. It’s a good instinct but it is also something that our partners might refuse to take part in. And don’t force them to – that will only backfire on you.

What you can do, however, is to get some help for yourself. To talk to someone who can help you understand what you are dealing with, who can help you learn how to take care of yourself and to help you maintain your own mental health as you support your partner.

Reach out today to a life coach or a therapist to get the support you need.

#13 – Don’t take it personally.

It’s very hard not to take your partner’s depression personally. I mean, you are the person they spend the most time with – and the person who is on the receiving end of the side effects of the depression – so of course it must be about you.

And, more often than not, your partner’s depression isn’t about you. Of course, if your relationship is an unhappy one, then yes, it might be part of your partner’s depression, but, more often than not, their sadness is not about you but about either the chemistry in their brain or external stimuli.

Taking your person’s depression personally will only hold you back from supporting them and keeping yourself healthy as you do.

#14 – Offer hope.

I know that when I am depressed, the future is completely hopeless. I just can’t imagine ever being happy again. And this only makes me sink deeper into the darkness.

What I would love for my partner to do during this time is to not try to talk me out of my depression but to offer to hold onto hope for the future for me, for us.

To acknowledge that, while I can’t see it right now, the future is a bright one for them and for us, and that they will hold onto that hope.

I love it when he does that. I can’t feel it, but if the man I love believes that I will be okay, that is something little to hold on to as I get through these difficult times.

So, there you go, how to help your partner with depression.

I know that what you and your partner are struggling with is very difficult. Good for you for seeking out help to figure out how to best manage it.

My final word of advice is that if you see your partner’s depression getting worse and that they aren’t willing to do something about it, reach out for help. Perhaps talk to their doctor, or reach out to mental health lines for resources to support your person.

You might even consider telling your person that you see that they are getting worse and to ask them to let you help them.

Whatever you can do to, if your partner isn’t getting better, help them work through this dark time and get out the other side.

You can do it!

 

5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed Even if it Doesn’t Seem Like it Would Be

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I know that it might go against everything that you believe in to think that it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed.

After all, you care about them and hate seeing them suffer. And popular opinion is that we should stand by the side of a partner who needs us.

And, yes, I do believe that this is true, but I also believe that there are exceptions to the rule.

To be clear, I don’t believe we should walk out on a partner at the first sign of depression. I do believe that supporting them can be incredibly helpful. But there can come the point where that depression has a detrimental effect on your life, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

And when this happens, it’s time to consider if you should walk away.

Let me share 5 reasons why it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed so that you can understand why walking away might be the best thing to do for everyone involved.

#1 – You can’t fix them.

The number one reason that I hear about why people believe that it’s not okay to break up with someone who is depressed is because the partner believes that they can fix their depressed person.

That, if they try hard enough, they will be able to bring their partner out of their funk and that they can both be happy.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. It’s hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to understand this but it is a fact. Only the struggling person can fix themselves and get out of their depression.

I have a friend whose boyfriend loves her madly, and she loves him back. She struggles with some pretty dark depression, and he tries to fix it when she is there.

He tries to remind her how great her life is. He points out all the friends and family who love her. He drags her out of the house, assuring her that if they stay busy, her depression will pass.

And what happens when he tries to fix her? Her depression worsens. And she gets frustrated having him around.

So, if you can’t let go of your need to fix your depressed partner, know that having you around isn’t helping them get better.

#2 – You are becoming co-dependent.

One of the hardest things about managing being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is that there is a tendency for co-dependency.

Co-dependency is defined ‘as a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.’

Co-dependency is not a good thing, for an individual or a couple.

When one person in a relationship is depressed, co-dependency can often develop over time.

The person who is depressed increasingly relies on their partner to support them while they are struggling. They might need them to take over the work that they usually do. They might not get out of bed for weeks at a time, leaving their partner alone doing things they might do as a couple. They might look to them to make them happy, even for a moment.

The person who is not depressed often loses themselves trying to help their person manage their depression. They might overcompensate for their partner’s depression, always pretending to be cheery at the expense of their own mental well-being. They might let go of friends and family in the hopes that their partner’s depression is not put out in the open. Their work might suffer as they try to take care of someone who won’t help themselves.

As time goes on, what started as an effort to support their loved ones, a co-dependent relationship, can become a toxic one, one that sucks all of the oxygen out of the relationship, leaving both people depleted.

So, if you find that you are overcompensating to support your partner when they are depressed, you aren’t helping either one of you.

#3 – You need to take care of yourself.

You know those words of caution that you always hear from a flight attendant – put your oxygen mask on before helping others? That is something that someone whose partner is living with depression often forgets to do.

Much like becoming co-dependent in a relationship, someone in a relationship with someone who is depressed might put their needs on the back burner.

They might try to fix their person, to no avail, making them feel like losers and bad partners. They might abandon their hobbies so they don’t leave their partner alone. They might be willing to let go of intimacy and laughter for the sake of their person.

And doing those things does not make a happy person.

You have only one life to live. If you are living with a person struggling with depression and won’t help themselves, it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself.

If you aren’t doing well, you won’t be any help to your personal and might even make things worse because of your low self-esteem. And being miserable in a relationship is no way to be.

So, if you find yourself miserable and losing yourself, know that to save yourself, it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

#4 – You are making things worse for them.

Above, I spoke about how you standing by your person when they are struggling with depression can be worse for them.

As you try to fix them, you might be making things more complicated for them to manage.

They might watch you lose yourself because of the depression, which will make them feel even worse about themselves, sad that they are letting you down.

They might not seek help because they don’t want you to see them be weak.

They won’t be forced to get out of bed and take care of themselves because you are doing it for them and that will only allow them to sink further into their despair.

So, be honest with yourself. Does staying in this relationship really help your partner or is your staying something that might only be making things worse?

#5 – They are more likely to seek help.

Many people who are depressed have a hard time seeking help.

For some, they don’t see their depression. Others, they believe that they can just push through it. For others still, because their partner supports them, they don’t believe that they need to get help.

When their partner leaves, everything changes. When they are alone with their feelings, having to take care of themselves, people with depression are often forced to face the reality of what is happening in their lives.

And this can force them to get help.

I know that, when I got divorced, I was left alone by my ex-husband and the depression that I had struggled with for years got worse. He was gone, and I was left alone with my demons. And I realized that everything that I had tried to do for years to manage my depression just wasn’t working.

What happened? I saw that I needed to fix things if I wanted to survive this divorce. So, I set out to do so.

If my husband hadn’t left, if our lives continued on as normal with me barely hanging on and him desperate watching me sink, I never would have been forced to face my issues and work through them.

Today, 12 years after my divorce, I am well acquainted with my depression and know how to manage it. I know that my husband leaving me was the catalyst for my newfound skills.

So, know that leaving your depressed partner might be the best thing that you could ever do for them.

There you are, 5 reasons why it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

Again, I know that it’s heartbreaking to consider letting go. That you love this person and that you want to help them work through this.

But know that sometimes your presence can make things worse for them and that you can lose yourself. That your best intentions are toxic for everyone.

So, consider your role in your relationship. Are you helping your person or are your efforts to fix things counterproductive? Are you becoming co-dependent and losing yourself in the relationship? Is your person not seeking help because of your support?

All of those things, especially combined, are a recipe for disaster, and walking away might be the best, most noble thing that you can do!

 

5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

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5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

Are you trying to help someone who is really hurting after a break up?

Is someone you care about in the worst place possible, struggling with a broken heart?

I know that watching someone you love struggle with a break up can be heartbreaking but I also know that you want to help them get through it and out the other side.

So, how can you help someone who is really hurting after a break up in a way that you know will help them, that won’t hold them back from healing, that will help them find the love that they seek?

Let me share.

#1 – Let them know that you are there for them.

I know that you are probably thinking that your person knows that you are there for them.

I am guessing that a big part of your life right now is spent processing the break up. Late night talks, lots of wine and ice cream, binge watching trash TV, harshing on the new ex.

And those things are great but make sure that your person knows that they can count on you, 100%.

Heartbreak often lasts longer than a friend’s attention span. Of course, we are sad for our person and we know that their heartbreak is real but sometimes the recovery can go on and on and on.

And our lives must go on.

And that is when it’s important that someone who is hurting after a break up knows that you are there. You might not still be regularly processing what happened but make sure that you let them know that you see their pain and that you love them unconditionally and, even if you aren’t able to process it 24/7, that you understand that they must grieve a bit longer.

And that you see them and you support them.

So, make sure that your person knows that you are there for them, right now during the processing phase, and down the road, if need be.

#2 -Don’t try to fix them.

I know that the inclination to fix your friend is huge. I mean, you want to do whatever you can to ease their pain.

Unfortunately, trying to fix someone who isn’t ready to be fixed will only be counterproductive. Not only will they not be fixed but they might even get worse!

What do I mean by fix them?

By telling them that they need to snap out of it. By setting them up with other people. By not supporting them in the ups and downs about the feelings of their ex and their relationship.

By telling them how you would be thinking about this break up or what you would be doing differently or how you are frustrated that they aren’t listening to your advice.

No one wants to be fixed. For many of us, feeling like we need to be fixed only makes the way that we are feeling worse.

What we need, instead of fixing, is to be seen and heard. To know that our person is there for them, that they truly understand that they are struggling and why. That their person will listen and empathize and occasionally rant with us.

Not that our person thinks that we should be doing things a certain way on a certain timeline.

So, even though you can see clearly your loves one’s pathway back to happiness, know that it is their journey and that you are just along for the ride.

#3 – Get them out of the house.

A key way to help someone who is hurting after a break up is by getting them out of the house.

When we have a broken heart, we want to isolate. We want to curl up in a ball on our couch, cry, eat ice cream and listen to sad songs.

What we don’t want to do is anything that involves taking a shower and putting on shoes.

While I don’t want you to fix your friend, I do want you to encourage them to get up off the couch and get outside.

To go for a walk or to the movies or to eat ice cream in the park instead of on the couch.

To breath fresh air and to experience nature and to recognize that there is a big wide world out there, one that will be there as we go on this journey.

To remember that there is life outside of our four walls, life that just might bring us happiness down the road.

Are you perhaps trying to do this but failing? If yes, I would encourage you to make it like this is something that YOU need. That you need a walk or ice cream or a rom-com and that you really want them to share it with you.

Hopefully, your loved one will want to do something for you, especially if you have been supporting them as they go through this.

Remember Fresh air + sunshine + ice cream = hope!

#4 – Don’t invite them to couple things.

I know that I previously told you that it is important that you get your loved one out of the house but I would enourage you NOT to get them out of the house by inviting them to couples things.

I would not encourage you to invite them for dinner with your partner. Or to a dinner party where they will be the only single person. Or to a night out with people who are in all in solid relationships.

I know you are hoping that by seeing happy couples you might inspire your friend to get past the break up but, for now, they don’t need to see other people happy.

They don’t need to be reminded of what being in a couple looks like.

They don’t need to miss the relationship that they had with their ex.

They don’t need to see couples who seem like they are made for each other and have no issues.

They don’t need to despair that they will never love or be loved again.

For now, I would encourage you to track down all of your single friends and head out for a night on the town, or whatever.

There is nothing like shared experience to help people heal. To spend time with others who are single, who are still seeking love and who have healed from broken hearts themselves, is the best medicine for someone with a broken heart.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#5 – Hold them accountable for stalking.

This is a tough one because it is much like fixing but this is an important part of supporting someone who is really hurting after a break up.

The instinct to stalk an ex is a big one. I am not saying that we want to track them down and boil their bunny but what we do want to do is to keep tabs on them, to see what their lives are like, to see if they are happy.

Unfortunately, there are so many ways to do that these days. There is, of course, social media which, I believe, is the worst thing in existence for someone who is struggling with a broken heart.

In the old days, we used to have to get off the couch to see what our exes were up to but now we can just pick up our phones and see what they are doing.

Are they happy? Having new adventures? Missing you? Have they found someone new? Have they forgotten you completely?

And, usually no matter what we see, we feel bad after looking.

So, if there one thing that I would encourage you to do is to encourage your friend to not stalk their ex.

Don’t drive them past their exes house. Unfriend and unfollow them yourself. Don’t ask mutual friends for information to share with your loved one.

Do whatever you can do to keep your loved one away from any sort of information about their ex.

By doing so you will help them get past their ex quicker. Why? Because every time they have contact with their ex, even if it’s just a picture, they are back to square one with their healing.

All that processing that you have already done will be for naught.

So, do what you can to encourage your loved one from stalking their ex. If you do, you just might find that the heartbreak passes quicker and you will have more time on your hands to have fun!

Knowing how to help someone who is really hurting after a break up is not always an easy thing.

The mental anguish that comes from heartbreak can be devastating to watch and it can leave us feeling overwhelmed about what to do.

But you can do this you can help your friend get through this. A broken heart is never fatal and we have all survived them.

Your friend will too, with you there supporting them but not trying to fix them, by getting them out of the couch, by not forcing them to spend time with couples and by keeping them away from their ex at all costs.

They, and you, will get through this and you will be able to return to the life and laughter you had before.

I promise!

 

 

 

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