Why We Stay: The Truth Behind The Science of Toxic Relationships

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Probably 95% of my clients come to me because they are in toxic relationships. Thousands more read my blogs about toxic relationships every day and reach out, wondering how to get out of theirs.

Without exception, they all believe that they should be able to get out of the relationship. I mean, they know, for the most part, that they are unhappy, but they just find themselves unable to let go.

As a result, they feel terrible about themselves.

After years of study, I have come to see that, in fact, the ability to get out of a toxic relationship is not the result of some character flaw. In fact, it is often the result of chemistry in our brain and instincts in our body that make it impossible to let go of a love, even if it’s sucking us dry.

To that end, let me tell you why we stay – the truth behind the science of toxic relationships.

If you can understand the science, you will understand more about what you are dealing with and, perhaps, learn how to shift things.

#1 – What happened in our childhood.

According to Robert Winston at the National Library of Medicine, “neglect, parental inconsistency and a lack of love can lead to long-term mental health problems as well as to reduce overall potential and happiness…Indeed, longitudinal studies have reported that a child’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships throughout life may be significantly impaired by having an insecure attachment to a primary caregiver.â€

When their kids are born, parents are not handed a manual on how to raise kids. Instead, they are forced to wing it. Imagine driving a car without any driver’s ed – the potential for destruction is huge.

As a result, many parents make lots of mistakes. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of their own parents. Sometimes those mistakes are based on mental health issues. Sometimes those mistakes are the result of substance abuse. And sometimes they are the result of the parent just being fallible.

Whatever the reason, if a child is neglected, not touched and talked to, during their formative years, it can lead to lasting damage to their emotional wellbeing and an inability to form healthy relationships.

As a result, these people will enter relationships with the hope that they will find the love and affection that they didn’t get in their childhood. Unlike people who are healthily bonded, these people, when they don’t get the love they seek, will stay anyway because it’s all they really know.

#2 – Brain chemicals.

According to Kaia Roman in her article for mbgmindfulness, “when we ask ourselves what makes us happy, we often think of the circumstances, possessions, or people in our lives. In reality, happiness is largely a chemical experience.â€

When we are happy or loved or felt taken care of, our brain emits one (or more) of the “feel good” chemicals: endorphins, serotonin, dopamine or oxytocin.

These chemicals, the result of external stimuli, are things that we, as humans, get addicted to. Life is hard – these rushes of chemicals in our brain make it not so difficult, at least for a while.

This is a key piece of the science of toxic relationships.

When we first get into a relationship, these “feel good†chemicals abound. Falling in love, especially, leads our brain to get flooded with these chemicals and we feel like we will never be unhappy again.

When a relationship turns toxic, our brain has a hard time understanding that this person who made us feel so good now makes us feel so bad. As a result, it (and you) look to this person to help produce those chemicals.

And the brain never gives up – and neither do you. You stay in the relationship, believing that, somehow, you will receive those “feel good†chemicals again.

#3 – State of mental health.

Many people who are depressed, anxious, or otherwise struggling mentally health-wise, are often people who get into, and stay in, toxic relationships.

People who are struggling with mental health issues tend to get into relationships that are unhealthy. Because they feel so bad about themselves and have no hope for the future, they are willing to settle into relationships that are bad.

On the other hand, people who are in toxic relationships can be happy at the beginning and then find themselves sinking into depression or anxiety as a result of its toxicity.

Both of these things lead to the same outcome – staying in a toxic relationship because we just don’t believe that we can be happy in the world, whether in this relationship or not.

#4 – Lack of self-esteem.

Another side effect of mental health issues is a lack of healthy self-esteem.

When someone is in a toxic relationship, the “feel good” chemicals in our brain dry up completely. In combination with lack of primary bonding or events that happen in our lives, this absence of “feel good†chemicals lead to low self-esteem.

And, when we are struggling with low self-esteem, we don’t believe that we deserve any more in a relationship than we are getting.

We believe it when our partner tells us that everything is our fault. We tell ourselves that we don’t deserve anyone better. We don’t believe that anything will ever change. And so we stay.

Unfortunately, the longer the toxic relationship lasts, the worse one’s self-esteem gets and the more likely someone is to stay!

#5 – We are addicted to love.

As I noted before, those “feel good†chemicals that flood our brain when we are falling in love are addictive. As a result, we seek love where ever we can so that we can get those juices flowing and be happy.

We are also addicted to love because of the society we live in.

For women, we are told at birth that the pinnacle of one’s life is falling in love and getting married. On TV and in movies, the quest for love is a common topic, a quest that usually ends well.

Social media and reality TV flood us with what ideal loves looks like and how to get it!

Unfortunately, these things set us up to be addicted to love – to seek it at all costs and to hold onto it when we have it, even if it’s not healthy.

#6 – Subconscious need for drama.

I am a Pisces and what I have learned about being a Pisces over the years is that we crave drama.

Yes, we yearn for stability and consistency but, counterintuitively, we also need drama to keep us interested. And this doesn’t always have the best consequences.

It’s not only Pisces who seek drama – most of us do.

According to Nicole Roberts in Forbes Magazine, human beings need attention and we actively seek it. “To do this, we instinctively seek more drama. This is because the pituitary gland and hypothalamus secrete endorphins – also known as the pain-suppressing and pleasure-inducing compounds mimicked by opioids and heroin.â€

Some drama can be good – like watching “White Lotus†– but most drama isn’t healthy. Either way, our brains release endorphins, the pleasure-inducing compound and/or the pain-suppressing compounds.

Toxic relationships are full of drama – usually bad – and that gets the endorphins going.   And this is why the make-up sex is so good – because of those “feel good†chemicals coursing through your body after a fight.

#7 – The need to be linear and efficient.

Are you one of those people who sets a goal on something and does whatever they can to get it?

Or are you one of those people who makes a list and then checks everything off?

Or perhaps the kind of person who never gives up, no matter what obstacles are in front of you?

All of these attributes can serve us well in life but they can sometimes be counterproductive in relationships, especially toxic ones.

So many of my clients stay in their toxic relationships because they have so much time invested. They think that, if they have to start again, all of their time will have been wasted.

Even worse, some clients stay because they don’t believe in quitting. And this, I always say, is self-destructive. If your partner treats you badly or your relationship is toxic and there is very little likelihood of change, not quitting will only make you unhappier.

So, know that, the things that serve us in the real world are things that can sabotage us in love. This is an important think to note when considering the science of toxic relationships.

#8 – Fear.

According to the University of Minnesota, “Fear is a human emotion that is triggered by a perceived threat. It is a basic survival mechanism that signals our bodies to respond to danger with a fight or flight response. As such, it is an essential part of keeping us safe.

However, when people live in constant fear, whether from physical dangers in their environment or threats they perceive, they can experience negative impacts in all areas of their lives and even become incapacitated.â€

When we are in toxic relationships, we are afraid that if we leave them, we will perish.

That we can’t live without our person or that we will never love or be loved again. And, so, we stay, fearful that if we leave, we will literally die.

Is fear, for whatever reason, keeping you in this toxic relationship? Don’t let it. You have overcome fear before and you can do it again!

#9 – Our heart and our brain don’t agree.

One of the things that sabotages us most is the disconnect between our brain and our heart. Our brain tells us one thing, and our hearts tell us another.

You know the saying, “The heart wants what the heart wants?†It’s a lovely sentiment, but it doesn’t always lead to a healthy outcome.

Imagine if you were looking to buy a house. You found the house of your dreams, but it cost substantially more than you can afford. Your heart tells you to go for it, your brain says walk away.

So, which organ do you follow here? Your heart and get yourself in too deep financially? Or your brain, which, if you listen.

The science of toxic relationships is quite fascinating.

While we might think that our failure to walk away from a toxic relationship is due to a personal deficiency, in reality, our bodies are wired, in many ways, to make it hard for us to do so.

Between childhood bonding, “feel good” chemicals, and the constant brain/heart battle, it’s no wonder why we stay in toxic relationships longer than we might otherwise.

All of this being said, while the science of toxic relationships is real, you do have free will. You can choose to work to overcome these biological factors and make changes in your relationship.

It might seem hard, but people do it every day. They walk away from toxic relationships and find the happiness they seek.

You can do it too!

Why Women Stay In Abusive Relationships Even if They Know They Should Leave

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I recently read a headline about a woman who was abused who had been killed by her husband.

He said it was an accident but, as the police investigated, they learned that her husband had been abusing her for years.

When I discussed what happened with some of my clients, many of them, while they pitied her, wondered why she didn’t leave her husband when he abused her.

The answer, I am afraid, is not a simple one. There are many reasons why women stay, many of them sometimes insurmountable.

Here are 15 reasons why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave so that we can all understand why they do so that we can show them compassion and not judgement.

Knowing these reasons might also help you see why you might be staying in a toxic relationship so that you can have some clarity about what next steps might be for you.

#1 – They are afraid to be alone.

One of the top reasons why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid to be alone. They are afraid that they will be lonely. They are afraid that they will struggle to take care of themselves. They are afraid that they will lose their friends and their social group.

One of the reasons that we all subject ourselves to online dating is because we don’t want to be alone. We want someone to share our lives with.

When we have a bird in hand, someone we are in a relationship with, it’s hard to let it go because then we will have to start all over again. Who wants to do that?

#2 – They think no one will ever love them again.

I remember when my high school boyfriend broke up with me, I was sure that I would never love or be loved again.

I believed that, if he left me, there was no chance that anyone would ever want to be my boyfriend. I was incredibly insecure about myself and truly believed that I would be alone for the rest of my life.

Of course, I found a new boyfriend pretty quickly, this being high school and all, but the fear that I never would stayed with me and led me to staying in relationships that weren’t good for me later on in my life.

#3 – They believe that everything is their fault.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they believe that everything that happens is their fault.

Many abusive men (or women) who are abusive are gaslighters. They go out of their way to convince their partners that everything that is wrong in their relationship is their fault.

That if the woman didn’t do this certain thing, everything would just be fine.

That if she didn’t leave the bread on the counter but instead put it away, he wouldn’t have to yell at her.

That if she didn’t flirt with the car repair guy, he wouldn’t have to knock her around.

If she could just keep the kids quiet during the football game, he wouldn’t have to berate her for being a bad mom.

Because a woman in an abusive relationship believes that everything is her fault, she just doesn’t believe that things would be any different in another relationship, so she stays.

#4 – Those moments of happiness between abuse.

Every abusive relationship has those moments of joy. Those moments when everyone is being nice to everyone and feeling loved. And, often, because abusive relationships usually involve heightened emotions, in both directions, those moments are GOOD!

It is those moments, and the moments that they remember from the beginning of the relationship, that lead women to stay in abusive relationships. They want to believe that they can, in fact, be happy in it, because sometimes they truly are.

#5 – They are financially dependent on their abuser.

Another top reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are financially dependent on their partners.

Whether they don’t work or whether they don’t have enough money to survive on their own, leaving just isn’t an option because they can’t afford it.

#6 – Their abuser won’t let them leave.

This happens a lot to women who are in abusive relationships.

Sarakay Smullens, in his abstract, “Five Cycles of Emotional Abuse: Codification and Treatment of an Invisible Malignancy,” notes that “the abuser will become enmeshed, or completely absorbed, with their partner. They will become afraid to let the partner leave and will be overly protective. They will flower their partner with gifts, love, and praise.â€

Quite simply, men who are abusers need their partners to stay because they need to maintain power and control and to not be able to do that is inconceivable.

#7 – They were abused as children.

For many women who are in abusive relationships, they had difficult relationships with their parents.

In early childhood, hopefully, one has a relationship with one’s parents that is loving and nurturing. If that kind of relationship exists, their emotional needs are met, and their attachment styles are healthy.

If someone does not have a nurturing relationship with their parents but rather a neglectful, even abusive, one, women will develop an unhealthy attachment style, one that will lead them into abusive relationships as an adult.

To those kinds of people, abuse is the norm, not the exception, and so they stay.

#8 – They are trauma bonded.

According to MedicalNewsToday.com, “trauma bonding occurs when a person experiencing abuse develops an unhealthy attachment to their abuser. They may rationalize or defend the abusive actions, feel a sense of loyalty, isolate from others, and hope that the abuser’s behavior will change.â€

Breaking the cycle of trauma bonding is incredibly difficult without professional help, so unless women recognize that they are trauma bonded, they tend to think what is happening is the norm, and they stay.

#9- The kids.

This one is very obvious. They stay because of the children.

For mothers, the instinct to protect their children is primal. They will do whatever they need to do to keep them alive.

Unfortunately, this might mean staying in an abusive relationship to keep their kids from growing up in a broken family or in poverty.

They also want to make sure that they can protect their kids from the abuse and so they stay to make sure they can do this.

Of course, exposing kids to an abusive father will only set them up for attachment issues when they are adults, so staying is, most often, counterproductive.

#10- They want to fix their abuser.

There isn’t a woman I know who doesn’t believe that she can fix a damaged man.

That if she just loves him enough, he will change, and they will be happy.

Unfortunately, no one changes unless they truly want to. No amount of love will stop a man from being abusive, and staying to try to change them will never work.

#11 – They have no support.

For many women who have been abused, their abuser gets between them and their family and friends. As a result, these women feel completely isolated and believe that they will have no support if they leave the relationship.

Furthermore, resources to help abused women are not available to everyone so knowing how to leave, even if you want to, might be out of reach.

#12 – They have no place to go.

Just like being financially dependent on someone, so women who are being abused might be reliant on their abuser to keep a roof over their heads.

Their survivor instinct might be willing to put up with anything to keep themselves, and their kids, warm and dry.

Again, women’s shelters might be few and far between, and, if they are accessible, hard to get into. This would lead a woman to stay as she has no other options.

#13 – They have no self-respect.

One of the saddest things about women who are in abusive relationships is that the pattern of abuse has destroyed their self-esteem.

Being on the receiving end of words of derision, of physical violence, of being told that everything is their fault, leads women to feel worse and worse about themselves.

As a result, they don’t believe that they would be able to survive without their abuser. That they would never be loved again. That they only deserve what they have now.

And so, they stay, not believing that they deserve to be treated better and be happy.

#14 – They don’t believe that they are in an abusive relationship.

Sometimes, when we are in the middle of a toxic situation, it’s hard to see clearly what is going on.

Abuse can show up in different ways. Abuse can be physical, it can be emotional and verbal, it can be sexual, and it can involve gaslighting.

For many women, they believe that physical abuse is the only thing that categorizes abuse and they don’t see that being on the receiving end of verbal or sexual abuse might not be okay. And so, they stay.

#15 – They are afraid.

The final, and perhaps most obvious, reason why women stay in abusive relationships is that they are afraid of what will happen if they leave.

They are afraid that their husband will hurt them, a reasonable fear considering the abuse they have been subjected to over the years.

They are afraid they will be poor. They are afraid that their friends and family won’t believe that they have been abused. They are afraid their children will suffer.

It is natural human instinct to not do things that we are scared of. In ancient times, this fear kept us alive. In more modern times, fear is something that keeps us in the line of fire instead of safely out of it.

So, there you go – why women stay in abusive relationships even if they know they should leave.

From the outside looking in, it can be hard to understand why a woman might stay in an abusive relationship but now I hope you see why they might.

No one is immune from an abusive relationship – they happen across all socio-economic lines. The stereotypes that we see from TV and movies aren’t necessarily accurate – it’s not just physical, it could be sexual, verbal or emotional abuse as well.

It’s important to recognize if you, or someone you love, might be in an abusive relationship so that you can figure out how to take next steps to get out of it.

Here is a resource to help you, or your loved one, learn more about abuse in relationships and what your options are.

You can do it!

 

How to Help Your Partner With Depression – Even if They Don’t Want You To

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There is nothing worse than having a partner who struggles with depression, especially if you have never struggled with it yourself.

And depression can have a devastating effect on relationships because managing it can be very difficult.

While it might seem obvious, the steps you might take to help your spouse with depression (i.e. talk them out of it), the steps that truly work aren’t so clear.

Let me share with you how to help your partner with depression and keep your relationship healthy.

Knowing these things will set you up for success as far as helping your partner and keeping your relationship strong.

#1 – Don’t try to fix them.

If there is one thing that you take away from this article, it’s that if your partner has depression, you don’t try to fix them. This means that you don’t try to talk them out of it. You don’t tell them to be strong. You don’t remind them how great their life is.

This means that you don’t tell them that they have to get help, that they have to reach out to a psychiatrist to fix them. This means that you don’t threaten to leave them if they don’t change.

People who are depressed know how great their lives are. They know that they should get help. They believe that you should leave them. The thing is – they don’t care. Their depression is running through their brains, and there is no magical thinking that will change how they are feeling. So, how to help your partner with depression, more than anything, is to be there for them, empathize and love them. Trying to fix them will only push them away.

#2 – Let them know you see them and are there for them.

When people are depressed, as I said above, the last thing in the world that they want to do is be fixed. There is literally nothing that you can say trying to fix them that will make any change.

What will help them is if you tell them that you see that they are struggling and that you are there for them. That you don’t understand what they are going through but that you empathize with how much it is hurting them.

Tell them that you are there for them, just to be, and that, whenever they are ready, you will be there to help them with whatever they need from you. Just having another person see you when you are depressed can be a big help!

#3 – Don’t dismiss their feelings.

If your person is telling you that they feel sad or depressed or hopeless, whatever you do, don’t try to talk them out of it.

Don’t tell them that their life is good or that they are successful at work or a good mother. Don’t remind them of an upcoming vacation or the fact that you have a fun party to go to in a few weeks.

Don’t say anything to them except for “I am so sorry. Is there anything I can do for you?” Trying to dismiss your partner’s feelings when they are depressed will only backfire on you and make them not want to confide in you.

#4 – Ask them what they need.

When your person tells you that they are struggling, ask them what they need. They might not know the answer, but they will appreciate that you asked.

One thing that I always encourage my clients to do when they struggle with depression is to, when they aren’t depressed, talk to their partner about what they need when they are depressed. Oftentimes, when we are depressed, we just can’t see what would help us – we are too far gone. Having a list of what might work and a partner who knows about that list could be very helpful.

#5 – Educate yourself.

If you yourself have never dealt with depression, it can be hard to understand what depression feels like.

I mean, we have all had periods of feeling down, but usually, those times pass, and life goes on. Not so much for someone who is struggling with depression.

In order to help someone, it’s important that you understand what you are dealing with. To that end, educate yourself.

There is an endless amount of information out there about depression. I would encourage you to not go looking at TikTok or Instagram for information about depression. Yes, you will get many people’s perspectives on depression (which might be helpful down the road), but you won’t understand it on its most basic, scientific level if you just rely on social media. Articles from reputable resources are where you should start!

Check out this article to help you get educated about mental health conditions.

#6 – Recognize symptoms.

Part of educating yourself is learning to identify symptoms of depression. If you can see them coming, that will help you be able to help your partner.

Some symptoms of depression: Sleeplessness, hopelessness, isolation, irritability, lack of energy, persistent sadness, and reduced mental clarity.

Of course, all of these things can be indicators of something else or of nothing, but if you see these symptoms in your partner, pay attention and see what is going on.

#7 – Have compassion.

I know that having a partner who is depressed is very difficult. The person that you love is diminished. They are less likely to engage you. They are less likely to be helpful around the house. They might be snappy or even angry. They can just be plain difficult to be around.

If your partner is struggling with depression, try to have some compassion. They don’t want to be depressed, and they don’t want to hurt you. If you can understand this, you will go a long way toward helping them through their struggles.

#8 – Accept them as they are.

If your partner is struggling with depression, sometimes it can be really hard to accept who they are in those moments.

I mean, the person who you fell in love with wasn’t depressed. The person you wake up next to wasn’t this way 6 months ago. The person who you see every day is a stranger to you.

And I know that this sucks, but if your partner is struggling with depression, accepting them as they are in this moment is important. It might be hard, but recognizing that they are struggling and telling them that it’s ok and that you are there for them, just might be the thing that you can do to help them work through it.

#9 – Learn what might be a trigger.

Sometimes people are chemically depressed. This means that their brain chemistry is off in a way that makes it hard to regulate their moods. With chemical depression, it can be hard to recognize why someone gets depressed. They just do.

Someone with situational depression has a different kind of depression. Their depression is caused by a situation or a traumatic event. The cause of their depression is easier to identify and can be easier to manage.

People with situational depression can sometimes work through their depression with time and/or therapy, but some can have things come up regularly that trigger them. Keep your eyes open for what your partner’s triggers might be. Perhaps see if you can prevent those situations from occurring. Getting ahead of it can be helpful to shut down the depression before it even starts!

#10 – Take care of yourself.

When our partner is struggling with depression, it’s very easy to give everything to them. To spend all of our time and energy trying to support them.

And, while this is very loving of you, it’s not ok. Much like we must put on our own oxygen masks before helping someone on an airplane, so too is it important that we take care of ourselves when we are trying to support someone else.

Try to make sure that you eat well and get enough sleep. Do things that make you happy. Make sure that you don’t let tasks go that would lead you to feel bad about yourself. Do what you need to do to stay strong. I know that your partner wouldn’t want you to fall apart if they are struggling. Watching you do so might even make things worse for them. So, don’t do that. For the sake of both of you, take care of yourself.

#11 – Be an active listener.

When your partner is depressed and wanting to share with you what is going on, I would encourage you to be an active listener.

Active listening involves not just hearing what your partner is saying to you but trying to understand what their words mean. To be an active listener, you must be actively involved in the conversation.

This article in Very Well Mind will help you understand what active listening involves and how you can learn how to do it to help your partner when they are struggling.

#12 – Seek help.

Of course, when we see our partners struggling, our first instinct is to try to get them help. It’s a good instinct but it is also something that our partners might refuse to take part in. And don’t force them to – that will only backfire on you.

What you can do, however, is to get some help for yourself. To talk to someone who can help you understand what you are dealing with, who can help you learn how to take care of yourself and to help you maintain your own mental health as you support your partner.

Reach out today to a life coach or a therapist to get the support you need.

#13 – Don’t take it personally.

It’s very hard not to take your partner’s depression personally. I mean, you are the person they spend the most time with – and the person who is on the receiving end of the side effects of the depression – so of course it must be about you.

And, more often than not, your partner’s depression isn’t about you. Of course, if your relationship is an unhappy one, then yes, it might be part of your partner’s depression, but, more often than not, their sadness is not about you but about either the chemistry in their brain or external stimuli.

Taking your person’s depression personally will only hold you back from supporting them and keeping yourself healthy as you do.

#14 – Offer hope.

I know that when I am depressed, the future is completely hopeless. I just can’t imagine ever being happy again. And this only makes me sink deeper into the darkness.

What I would love for my partner to do during this time is to not try to talk me out of my depression but to offer to hold onto hope for the future for me, for us.

To acknowledge that, while I can’t see it right now, the future is a bright one for them and for us, and that they will hold onto that hope.

I love it when he does that. I can’t feel it, but if the man I love believes that I will be okay, that is something little to hold on to as I get through these difficult times.

So, there you go, how to help your partner with depression.

I know that what you and your partner are struggling with is very difficult. Good for you for seeking out help to figure out how to best manage it.

My final word of advice is that if you see your partner’s depression getting worse and that they aren’t willing to do something about it, reach out for help. Perhaps talk to their doctor, or reach out to mental health lines for resources to support your person.

You might even consider telling your person that you see that they are getting worse and to ask them to let you help them.

Whatever you can do to, if your partner isn’t getting better, help them work through this dark time and get out the other side.

You can do it!

 

5 Reasons Why It’s Ok To Break Up with Someone Who is Depressed Even if it Doesn’t Seem Like it Would Be

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I know that it might go against everything that you believe in to think that it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed.

After all, you care about them and hate seeing them suffer. And popular opinion is that we should stand by the side of a partner who needs us.

And, yes, I do believe that this is true, but I also believe that there are exceptions to the rule.

To be clear, I don’t believe we should walk out on a partner at the first sign of depression. I do believe that supporting them can be incredibly helpful. But there can come the point where that depression has a detrimental effect on your life, both as an individual and as part of a couple.

And when this happens, it’s time to consider if you should walk away.

Let me share 5 reasons why it’s ok to break up with someone who is depressed so that you can understand why walking away might be the best thing to do for everyone involved.

#1 – You can’t fix them.

The number one reason that I hear about why people believe that it’s not okay to break up with someone who is depressed is because the partner believes that they can fix their depressed person.

That, if they try hard enough, they will be able to bring their partner out of their funk and that they can both be happy.

Unfortunately, this just isn’t true. It’s hard for someone who has never dealt with depression to understand this but it is a fact. Only the struggling person can fix themselves and get out of their depression.

I have a friend whose boyfriend loves her madly, and she loves him back. She struggles with some pretty dark depression, and he tries to fix it when she is there.

He tries to remind her how great her life is. He points out all the friends and family who love her. He drags her out of the house, assuring her that if they stay busy, her depression will pass.

And what happens when he tries to fix her? Her depression worsens. And she gets frustrated having him around.

So, if you can’t let go of your need to fix your depressed partner, know that having you around isn’t helping them get better.

#2 – You are becoming co-dependent.

One of the hardest things about managing being in a relationship with someone who is depressed is that there is a tendency for co-dependency.

Co-dependency is defined ‘as a person with an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction.’

Co-dependency is not a good thing, for an individual or a couple.

When one person in a relationship is depressed, co-dependency can often develop over time.

The person who is depressed increasingly relies on their partner to support them while they are struggling. They might need them to take over the work that they usually do. They might not get out of bed for weeks at a time, leaving their partner alone doing things they might do as a couple. They might look to them to make them happy, even for a moment.

The person who is not depressed often loses themselves trying to help their person manage their depression. They might overcompensate for their partner’s depression, always pretending to be cheery at the expense of their own mental well-being. They might let go of friends and family in the hopes that their partner’s depression is not put out in the open. Their work might suffer as they try to take care of someone who won’t help themselves.

As time goes on, what started as an effort to support their loved ones, a co-dependent relationship, can become a toxic one, one that sucks all of the oxygen out of the relationship, leaving both people depleted.

So, if you find that you are overcompensating to support your partner when they are depressed, you aren’t helping either one of you.

#3 – You need to take care of yourself.

You know those words of caution that you always hear from a flight attendant – put your oxygen mask on before helping others? That is something that someone whose partner is living with depression often forgets to do.

Much like becoming co-dependent in a relationship, someone in a relationship with someone who is depressed might put their needs on the back burner.

They might try to fix their person, to no avail, making them feel like losers and bad partners. They might abandon their hobbies so they don’t leave their partner alone. They might be willing to let go of intimacy and laughter for the sake of their person.

And doing those things does not make a happy person.

You have only one life to live. If you are living with a person struggling with depression and won’t help themselves, it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself.

If you aren’t doing well, you won’t be any help to your personal and might even make things worse because of your low self-esteem. And being miserable in a relationship is no way to be.

So, if you find yourself miserable and losing yourself, know that to save yourself, it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

#4 – You are making things worse for them.

Above, I spoke about how you standing by your person when they are struggling with depression can be worse for them.

As you try to fix them, you might be making things more complicated for them to manage.

They might watch you lose yourself because of the depression, which will make them feel even worse about themselves, sad that they are letting you down.

They might not seek help because they don’t want you to see them be weak.

They won’t be forced to get out of bed and take care of themselves because you are doing it for them and that will only allow them to sink further into their despair.

So, be honest with yourself. Does staying in this relationship really help your partner or is your staying something that might only be making things worse?

#5 – They are more likely to seek help.

Many people who are depressed have a hard time seeking help.

For some, they don’t see their depression. Others, they believe that they can just push through it. For others still, because their partner supports them, they don’t believe that they need to get help.

When their partner leaves, everything changes. When they are alone with their feelings, having to take care of themselves, people with depression are often forced to face the reality of what is happening in their lives.

And this can force them to get help.

I know that, when I got divorced, I was left alone by my ex-husband and the depression that I had struggled with for years got worse. He was gone, and I was left alone with my demons. And I realized that everything that I had tried to do for years to manage my depression just wasn’t working.

What happened? I saw that I needed to fix things if I wanted to survive this divorce. So, I set out to do so.

If my husband hadn’t left, if our lives continued on as normal with me barely hanging on and him desperate watching me sink, I never would have been forced to face my issues and work through them.

Today, 12 years after my divorce, I am well acquainted with my depression and know how to manage it. I know that my husband leaving me was the catalyst for my newfound skills.

So, know that leaving your depressed partner might be the best thing that you could ever do for them.

There you are, 5 reasons why it’s okay to break up with someone who is depressed.

Again, I know that it’s heartbreaking to consider letting go. That you love this person and that you want to help them work through this.

But know that sometimes your presence can make things worse for them and that you can lose yourself. That your best intentions are toxic for everyone.

So, consider your role in your relationship. Are you helping your person or are your efforts to fix things counterproductive? Are you becoming co-dependent and losing yourself in the relationship? Is your person not seeking help because of your support?

All of those things, especially combined, are a recipe for disaster, and walking away might be the best, most noble thing that you can do!

 

5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

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5 Ways to Help Someone Who is Really Hurting After a Break Up

Are you trying to help someone who is really hurting after a break up?

Is someone you care about in the worst place possible, struggling with a broken heart?

I know that watching someone you love struggle with a break up can be heartbreaking but I also know that you want to help them get through it and out the other side.

So, how can you help someone who is really hurting after a break up in a way that you know will help them, that won’t hold them back from healing, that will help them find the love that they seek?

Let me share.

#1 – Let them know that you are there for them.

I know that you are probably thinking that your person knows that you are there for them.

I am guessing that a big part of your life right now is spent processing the break up. Late night talks, lots of wine and ice cream, binge watching trash TV, harshing on the new ex.

And those things are great but make sure that your person knows that they can count on you, 100%.

Heartbreak often lasts longer than a friend’s attention span. Of course, we are sad for our person and we know that their heartbreak is real but sometimes the recovery can go on and on and on.

And our lives must go on.

And that is when it’s important that someone who is hurting after a break up knows that you are there. You might not still be regularly processing what happened but make sure that you let them know that you see their pain and that you love them unconditionally and, even if you aren’t able to process it 24/7, that you understand that they must grieve a bit longer.

And that you see them and you support them.

So, make sure that your person knows that you are there for them, right now during the processing phase, and down the road, if need be.

#2 -Don’t try to fix them.

I know that the inclination to fix your friend is huge. I mean, you want to do whatever you can to ease their pain.

Unfortunately, trying to fix someone who isn’t ready to be fixed will only be counterproductive. Not only will they not be fixed but they might even get worse!

What do I mean by fix them?

By telling them that they need to snap out of it. By setting them up with other people. By not supporting them in the ups and downs about the feelings of their ex and their relationship.

By telling them how you would be thinking about this break up or what you would be doing differently or how you are frustrated that they aren’t listening to your advice.

No one wants to be fixed. For many of us, feeling like we need to be fixed only makes the way that we are feeling worse.

What we need, instead of fixing, is to be seen and heard. To know that our person is there for them, that they truly understand that they are struggling and why. That their person will listen and empathize and occasionally rant with us.

Not that our person thinks that we should be doing things a certain way on a certain timeline.

So, even though you can see clearly your loves one’s pathway back to happiness, know that it is their journey and that you are just along for the ride.

#3 – Get them out of the house.

A key way to help someone who is hurting after a break up is by getting them out of the house.

When we have a broken heart, we want to isolate. We want to curl up in a ball on our couch, cry, eat ice cream and listen to sad songs.

What we don’t want to do is anything that involves taking a shower and putting on shoes.

While I don’t want you to fix your friend, I do want you to encourage them to get up off the couch and get outside.

To go for a walk or to the movies or to eat ice cream in the park instead of on the couch.

To breath fresh air and to experience nature and to recognize that there is a big wide world out there, one that will be there as we go on this journey.

To remember that there is life outside of our four walls, life that just might bring us happiness down the road.

Are you perhaps trying to do this but failing? If yes, I would encourage you to make it like this is something that YOU need. That you need a walk or ice cream or a rom-com and that you really want them to share it with you.

Hopefully, your loved one will want to do something for you, especially if you have been supporting them as they go through this.

Remember Fresh air + sunshine + ice cream = hope!

#4 – Don’t invite them to couple things.

I know that I previously told you that it is important that you get your loved one out of the house but I would enourage you NOT to get them out of the house by inviting them to couples things.

I would not encourage you to invite them for dinner with your partner. Or to a dinner party where they will be the only single person. Or to a night out with people who are in all in solid relationships.

I know you are hoping that by seeing happy couples you might inspire your friend to get past the break up but, for now, they don’t need to see other people happy.

They don’t need to be reminded of what being in a couple looks like.

They don’t need to miss the relationship that they had with their ex.

They don’t need to see couples who seem like they are made for each other and have no issues.

They don’t need to despair that they will never love or be loved again.

For now, I would encourage you to track down all of your single friends and head out for a night on the town, or whatever.

There is nothing like shared experience to help people heal. To spend time with others who are single, who are still seeking love and who have healed from broken hearts themselves, is the best medicine for someone with a broken heart.

rebuild trust after he cheated

#5 – Hold them accountable for stalking.

This is a tough one because it is much like fixing but this is an important part of supporting someone who is really hurting after a break up.

The instinct to stalk an ex is a big one. I am not saying that we want to track them down and boil their bunny but what we do want to do is to keep tabs on them, to see what their lives are like, to see if they are happy.

Unfortunately, there are so many ways to do that these days. There is, of course, social media which, I believe, is the worst thing in existence for someone who is struggling with a broken heart.

In the old days, we used to have to get off the couch to see what our exes were up to but now we can just pick up our phones and see what they are doing.

Are they happy? Having new adventures? Missing you? Have they found someone new? Have they forgotten you completely?

And, usually no matter what we see, we feel bad after looking.

So, if there one thing that I would encourage you to do is to encourage your friend to not stalk their ex.

Don’t drive them past their exes house. Unfriend and unfollow them yourself. Don’t ask mutual friends for information to share with your loved one.

Do whatever you can do to keep your loved one away from any sort of information about their ex.

By doing so you will help them get past their ex quicker. Why? Because every time they have contact with their ex, even if it’s just a picture, they are back to square one with their healing.

All that processing that you have already done will be for naught.

So, do what you can to encourage your loved one from stalking their ex. If you do, you just might find that the heartbreak passes quicker and you will have more time on your hands to have fun!

Knowing how to help someone who is really hurting after a break up is not always an easy thing.

The mental anguish that comes from heartbreak can be devastating to watch and it can leave us feeling overwhelmed about what to do.

But you can do this you can help your friend get through this. A broken heart is never fatal and we have all survived them.

Your friend will too, with you there supporting them but not trying to fix them, by getting them out of the couch, by not forcing them to spend time with couples and by keeping them away from their ex at all costs.

They, and you, will get through this and you will be able to return to the life and laughter you had before.

I promise!

 

 

 

Feeling Depressed After the Holidays? 5 Reasons Why and How to Fix It

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For so many of us, feeling depressed after the holidays is a regular thing.

And it’s not a good thing.

I have clients who don’t even enjoy the holidays because they know they will just be depressed when they are over.

Understanding why you might be feeling depressed after the holidays just might help you manage it so that you don’t spend the next year in a funk!

Here are 5 reasons that you might be feeling depressed after the holidays and what to do to help yourself feel better!

#1 – New Year’s resolution pressure.

Setting new year’s resolution is something that many of us do every year.

The idea of a new year, a new you, is very compelling and we set these lofty resolutions with sincere intent.

And then, a few days/weeks/months in, we let those resolutions go, either because of apathy, lack of time or how hard the resolution is to keep. And what does dropping our resolutions do? It makes us depressed.

Letting ourselves down is one of major causes of situational depression. We feel like a loser that we can’t keep a promise to ourselves, or to others, and that self-judgement can put us into a very dark place.

But, there are ways for you to keep those resolutions (or at least some of them) to help you feel better about yourself and let go of the depression.

How many resolutions did you set? Did you decide that you were going to quit drinking, go vegetarian, get to the gym and sleep more?

Or perhaps did you just decide to be healthier.

Those goals are great, truly! But they really aren’t achievable. Why, because you have bitten off more than you can chew.

No one, and I mean, no one, could successfully quit drinking, go vegetarian, go to the gym and sleep more in one fell swoop. It’s just too much change too quickly, especially with things that might be very challenging.

As to deciding to be healthier, what exactly does that mean and how would you accomplish it if you didn’t have a concrete plan?

What I do, and what I encourage my clients to do, is to choose ONE thing to start with. That one thing can’t be get healthier but it could mean to quit drinking for a month. OR to eat less red meat. OR to commit to the gym 3 days a week. OR to put your phone away at 11pm so that you will sleep.

Anyone can do one of those things, if they set their mind to it.

Have you bitten off more than you can chew with your new year’s resolution. If yes, try paring it down a bit so that it is in manageable chunks. If you can do this, if you can keep your new Year resolution, you might find that you are no longer feeling depressed after the holidays.

#2 – The darkness.

One of the things that always amazes me in January is how dark it is.

Of course, it is the time of year where the days are shorter, it gets dark late (5:00pm where I am) and temperatures are often much lower than we would like them to be.

And just this alone, particularly the absence of sunlight, can make someone depressed.

BUT, what I also notice in January is the complete absence of Christmas lights. For me, this is beyond bleak.

Christmas lights go up soon after Thanksgiving and they last, usually, through New Years. And then, poof, they are gone.

Of course, there are always a few hold outs but mostly, the colorful lights that we see outside people’s houses have been put away for the year.

For me, this is always depressing. I am not a big holiday person but I love the lights.

So, what do I do to get through these dark days of January? Two things.

The first is a get a full spectrum lamp, one which imitates the spectrum of light from the sun. These have been found to be beneficial in many ways, especially for easing the winter blues.

The second is that I keep a few Christmas lights around my house.

Every year, we put our Christmas tree outside but leave the lights on it. It is not really a Christmas tree anymore. It’s more like a beacon in the night, bringing some light into the darkness, as we wait for spring to come.

I love looking at those lights from inside the house or as I am pulling up in the driveway. A little bit of spirit during these difficult months.

#3 – The annual let down.

Be honest. Do you, every year, hope that this year will be different.

That you truly will have a holiday season like you see in the movies.

Where you will celebrate with family and friends (with no arguments about politics). Where you will get all the gifts that you wanted. Where you will bake cookies for your neighbors and appreciate the joy in the season.

And are you let down again, just like last year?

This can be a big reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays. The big hopes that you had for the perfect holiday season have been dashed with no hope to try again for almost a year.

I get it. But remember, there are many things that let us down every year, no matter how hard we try. We plan that perfect trip, but lose our luggage. The project that we worked on didn’t turn out the way we wanted. We wanted that new Volkswagen but had to settle on a used one instead.

And, do we get through those let downs every time? Do they bog us down for a bit but then do we let them go and move onto the next thing?  YES!

The same will happen with the holiday let down. It might feel acute right now but I can promise you that it will be gone by Valentine’s Day, at the very latest!

#4 – The state of your relationship?

Did you know that January is the number one month when people file for divorce?

Why? Because, they think that they just can’t get through one more holiday with the person they are with.

Holidays can bring out the worst in people and they can make an already stressful time more stressful.

Whether it’s conflict around traditions, disagreements about the amount of money that will be spent on gifts, the crazy schedule of holiday events or the time spent with extended family, the holidays can add a lot of pressure to a relationship that might already be struggling.

Also, over the holidays we often have to spend a lot more time with our partners and, if that relationship is already stressed, more time together might just exacerbate problems or allow us to see them more clearly.

So, what is the state of your relationship? Might your depression be the result of feeling helpless around it? Might it be because you are sad that you did fight so much? Was spending time wonderful or like pulling your fingernails out?

Whether it’s good or bad, the state of your relationship might be one of reasons you might be feeling depressed after the holidays.

#5 – The 4th of July.

The nice thing about the fall is that we have lots of fun holidays.

We have Labor Day which is a celebration of the end of the summer, one involving family and feasting.

We have Halloween with all its pumpkins and candy.

We have Thanksgiving and then we have Christmas and then we have New Years.

The mundanity of our everyday lives is broken by fun things all through the fall. That doesn’t happen so much after New Years. What we have is a loooong stretch to another holiday 4th of July. And a loooong stretch until summer officially begins.

Sure, we have a few Presidents Day and MLK day and perhaps a springtime vacation but really, what we have for six long months is the day in day out routine.

And that, the anticipation and the living in it, can be one reason why you are feeling depressed after the holidays.

I make a huge effort every year to make a plan to do things to break the routine that is winter.

I try to travel to New York City to see my kids once a month. I make movie dates with my friends. I try to have a special night out with my boyfriend. I make an effort to be spontaneous when I can be.

Are there things that you could do to break up the mundane over these next few months? I am guessing there are. So, make a plan to do those things. Get yourself out of the routine before you get stuck there.

Sometimes just having something to look forward to is enough to break the cycle of depression that can come after the holidays.

So, there you go 5 reasons why you might be feeling depressed over the holidays.

I do want to say that while all of the reasons that I have listed above might be contributing towards your depression, know that there might be more to it than that.

If you find that you are having a hard time pulling yourself out of your depression or if it’s getting worse, I would encourage you to reach out to your primary care doctor.

If you find yourself isolating or having no desire to do things that you usually like to do, reach out to your doctor. Your depression could be more than just the post-holiday blues!

 

5 Things People Say to Justify Staying in a Toxic Relationship

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You would be amazed at the variety of things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, the ways they excuse that they are willing to compromise their health and happiness to stay with someone who is making them miserable.

And I get it. Everyone wants to be in a relationship, so much so that they will stay in one that ‘ s bad for them, even if they are suffering. Even if they are suffering enough to reach out to a life coach.

So many of my clients know that they have to walk away, and some even do, for a minute. But staying away is easier said than done for someone who is caught up in the ups and downs of a toxic relationship.

They tend to believe that this person is the love or their life and that because their sex life is so good and that there are moments of happiness so there must be hope, right?

More often than not, no, I am afraid.

So that you can understand the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship, I have listed them below.

Perhaps if you can see that what you say is just an excuse, an excuse that EVERYONE trying to escape a toxic relationship says, you will find the awareness and strength to walk away for good

Here you are – 5 things people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

#1 – I know that my love can fix them.

This is the number one excuse that I hear from people who know they are in a toxic relationship and yet they can justify staying.

When we love someone, we want to see the best in them. Even if our person causes us pain, we want to believe that they aren ‘ t horrible people, that they are just damaged people who can be fixed. And, more often than not, we set out to fix them so that we can save the relationship.

I have a client who was carrying on an affair with a married man and, while she loved him, it was making her miserable. Why? Because she saw how damaged he was and she wanted to help him. She figured if she stayed, in spite of the fact that he was married, she could show him that her love could make him happy and that he would leave his wife to be with her.

So, she set out to do just that. He was an angry person and she worked with him to stay calm. He struggled in his career because of his insecurities and she encouraged him to have confidence in his abilities and bought him career books to inspire him to work smarter. She told him he was a great lover, even though he really wasn ‘ t, and she was always there for him.

And guess what – it didn ‘ t work. Not only did he not leave his wife but he never changed, no matter how hard she tried to fix him.

But she loved him and wanted to be in the relationship so she didn ‘ t give up and, as a result, she stayed, ever hopeful but constantly let down.

So, don ‘ t believe that, if you just love your person enough, things will change. The only way someone will change is if they want to. Don ‘ t kid yourself.

If the person in front of you is making you miserable, ask yourself if you can love THIS person forever, not the person you believe that they could be. And if you can ‘ t, it ‘ s time to move on.

#2 – Things were so good in the beginning.

The beginning of any relationship is wonderful.

We spend hours talking about things, connecting in a way that we believe that we have never connected before. We have sex every night, sometimes more than once. We walk around on clouds, believing that we have finally found THE ONE.

But, as relationships settle in, those feelings change. Even in a good relationship, those intense feelings that were felt at the beginning fade, to be replaced by something that feels good but isn ‘ t so intense.

When a relationship is one that isn ‘ t good for us, those wonderful intense feelings can turn into something else, usually somethings that cause pain.

I have a client who was in a relationship with someone who ignored her. Who took her for granted and rarely even saw her there. And, yet, in spite of the fact that this made her miserable and made her feel like a horrible person, she stayed. Why? Because he was so nice to her in the beginning and she believed that he could be nice to her again.

Unfortunately, this just wasn ‘ t possible. For him, those intense feelings that he felt in the beginning were gone, replaced by contempt and disrespect. He had no desire to go back to the way things were in the beginning so he didn ‘ t even try.

So, don ‘ t kid yourself that things could possibly be the way they were in the beginning because they won ‘ t ever be that way again.

#3 – If I can change, we will be happy!

I can ‘ t tell you how many people I coach believe that a toxic relationship is their fault. And the reason that they believe that is, more often than not, because their partner tells them this is so.

As a result, my clients are paralyzed, thinking that if they could make change, if they could be prettier or smarter or more independent or more involved in their partner ‘ s hobbies, things would be good again.

And, so, they set out to try to be all those things. They twist themselves into pretzels, trying to be what their person wants them to be, but not necessarily who they are.

Does this ever work? If people turn into things that they are not so that their person will love them again, will their relationship be happy? The answer, I am afraid, is no.

Unless you want to change for YOU, any change that you make will be inauthentic and your partner will know. If you suddenly wear make-up or like bowling, your person will only disrespect you for changing yourself for them, even if they told you it ‘ s what they wanted.

People who ask you to change are only using the way you are to make excuses for their bad behavior – they don ‘ t really expect you to change. And, when you do, they only have more contempt.

Believing that you must change, not them, is something that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship. And change definitely can be good.

But, unless you want to make change for yourself, don ‘ t even try. Changing won ‘ t save your relationship – it might even make it worse.

#4 – I will be alone forever if I leave.

This is the most inaccurate thing that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship – that they will never love or be loved again.

We all want to be in a relationship more than anything and fear that if we walk away from this one, we will never love or be loved again. That this person is the one and only person for us and leaving them will doom us to a life alone.

I remember thinking this exact thing in high school – that if I broke up with my boyfriend I would never find another one. And, guess what, I did, just a few weeks later. I have had countless boyfriends since then.

Every one of my clients who find the strength to walk away from a toxic relationship has found someone else to love. It might have taken some time and perhaps some self-reflection but they do find someone. I know that for my client who was dating a married man, when she finally got the strength to leave him, the guy of her dreams came into her life. She never would have found him if she hadn ‘ t had the strength to leave.

It ‘ s those of us who stay who never find happiness in love. We stay, in an unhappy relationship, hoping that things will change. And they don ‘ t.

So, don ‘ t let the belief that you will never love or be loved again keep you in a relationship that is bad for you. If you can walk away from this one, someone who can love you better is out there, waiting.

#5 – I don ‘ t deserve any more than I have.

This is one of the saddest things that people say to justify staying a bad relationship. That they aren ‘ t worth any more than the person they are with. The person who treats them badly.

Unfortunately, people who are in relationships that are bad for them often feel really bad about themselves.

Weeks, months or years of being with someone who tears them down, who ignores them or treats them with contempt or fools around on them or belittles them, can cause even the strongest person to lose their self-esteem. As a result, they believe that this toxic relationship is all that they deserve.

Let me tell you that NO ONE, no one deserves to be mistreated in a relationship. We are all human beings in the world who deserve to be happy, who deserve to be loved and cared for. If your person only makes you feel bad about yourself, thinking that this is all that you deserve will only hold you back from finding the love that you want, to get yourself back and live your life fully!

I would encourage you to start spending time with people who love you – your family, your friends, your co-workers, people who will remind you that you do deserve better, that you are worth a lot in this world.

If you can start to see that you deserve better, you will find the strength to walk away from this toxic relationship and find the person of your dreams.

I really should write a book about the things that people say to justify staying in a toxic relationship.

Every single client of mine thinks that their situation is unique, that their toxic relationship is like none other and that staying is all that they can do.

I hate to tell them but the reasons that they stay are the same reasons that other people stay in toxic relationships. In toxic relationships, the details might be different but the dynamics of the relationships are the same. And the reasons for staying are universal.

Many (most) people have a hard time being honest with themselves about many things, particularly about the state of their relationship. As a result, they waste good time on someone who treats them badly, time that they could be spending out in the world, finding their person.

So, if you believe that the problems in this relationship can be fixed by you loving them enough, if you believe that things can go back to the way that they were in the beginning and if you believe that you don ‘ t deserve any better, ask yourself if you are truly being honest with yourself.

Do you truly think that those things are true or do you know, on some level, that you are kidding yourself? That you are just scared to go, so you stay, justifying your behavior in whatever way you can.

It ‘ s time discard those justifications, to face what those lies are doing to your happiness, to push back on them and walk away.

Walk away towards of life full of love, self-respect and honesty.

You can do this! I promise!

5 Powerful Things Kids Learn When You Seek Help For Your Mental Health

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If you are struggling and thinking about reaching out to a medical professional but are hesitant to do so, perhaps knowing the powerful things kids learn when you seek help for your mental health might help you take that next step.

Recognizing that you might need help and then actually reaching out are very hard things to do. There is such a stigma around mental illness and around medication, and therapy to manage them, that reaching out can feel like a failure.

But reaching out for help with your mental health issues might not only make your life a better place but also improve the life of your kids!

Here are 5 powerful things your kids learn when you ask seek help for your mental health.

#1 – That asking for help is ok.

One lesson that we try to model for our kids over and over is that it’s ok to ask for help and that doing so isn’t a sign of weakness.

But asking for help is very hard to do, mostly because we all want to believe that we can do it ourselves.

Think about your kids learning to walk or ride a bike. Didn’t they want to do it themselves? And didn’t they fall down a lot?

How about your husband when he doesn’t ask for help getting his work project done so he isn’t home for dinner for a week?

How about you knowing that you can’t be in 5 places at once but trying to do so nonetheless and letting everyone down?

All of these examples are people believing that they can do things without help and having to deal with the consequences. By reaching out for help with your mental health, you are teaching your kids a very powerful lesson about how important getting help can be and what a difference it can make.

So, set a good example for your kids reach out to someone who can help you get healthy.

#2 – That honesty is important.

Another important lesson that we try to teach our kids is the importance of being honest, always, and that there can be serious consequences if we aren’t. And the consequences of not being honest about your mental health can be disastrous for the whole family!

Imagine what your kids learn when they see you struggling and not doing anything about it. When you are acting like you got this but you obviously haven’t. When they see you pretending that everything is ok but they know it is not. When they watch you lying to your family/friends/co-workers that everything is fine.

Having the strength to seek help for your mental health is a lesson in honesty that your kids will remember and admire. And they will see the positive consequences that will happen when you are honest with everyone, and with yourself!

#3 – That they are not to blame for your issues.

When my kids were 13 and 14, I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I had been struggling with my moods for many years and I didn’t really know why. I am sure that I couldn’t face the truth about it as much as I just didn’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, a breakdown forced me to reach out for help. I am glad I did because I got my diagnosis and I was able to start working towards living with it successfully.

When I told me kids about my diagnosis, my daughter said I am so glad that it wasn’t me making you sad for all of these years.Just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes, still.

My daughter honestly believed that all of my emotional struggles were her fault. I remember thinking the same thing when my mom was sad  that if I was good enough/smart enough/happy enough, I could fix her. Of course, I couldn’t, and I have spent much of my life wishing that I could have.

Now I know that my mom was struggling with anxiety and her unhappy marriage and that there was nothing that I could have done to fix that. If only we had been able to have a talk about what was going on, if she could have reached out to someone for help, maybe I wouldn’t have all the baggage that I do from a childhood caring for my mother, something that has had a significant effect on who I became as an adult.

Reaching out for help, and being able to put words to your feelings, will only help your kids understand so that they can lead happy lives, unburdened by their self-blame at their parent’s mood!

#4 – That mental health conditions are real.

I can’t tell you how many people I have encountered over the years who tell me that they don’t believe in mental health conditions. That people who struggle with depression, anxiety and more are just weaklings who have to suck it up.

In fact, many mental health issues are issues that are caused by a chemical imbalance in the brain. That is a proven fact, much like diabetes happens because one’s body can’t control the insulin production. People have no problem accepting diabetes but, for some reason, it is not the same with mental illness.

We call mental health issues the no casserole disease.If people are diagnosed with cancer, people bring food. If they are diagnosed with depression, people stay away, almost afraid that it will be contagious.

So, one important lesson that your kids will learn if you seek help for your mental health is that mental health conditions are a thing, much like diabetes, a health issue that affects millions of Americans every year. And, if they know this to be true, if and when the time comes that they must manage their own mental health, or that of a loved one, they will know that it is a real thing and something that can be dealt with!

#5 – That there is always hope.

I know that from where I sat, burdened by depression, I had no hope for the future. The likelihood that I would ever be happy again seemed impossible! And I am pretty sure that those feelings were contagious for my kids how could they not be when they were being displayed by their mother day in and day out for years?

But, once I reached out for help, everything changed. With help from my doctor, for the first time I had real hope for the future. For the first time I believed that I could be happy again. And, as I got better and started to believe again, my kids started to feel hopeful as well.

For years they had seen me sad and, in retrospect, I see now how it was affecting their lives. They both struggled with anxiety and my son clung to me in a way that wasn’t helping either one of us! Once I started getting better, my children’s anxiety was greatly lessened and my son was willing to let me out of his sight.

What a gift it was for me, and for them, that reaching out for help with my mental health was the thing that gave us all hope again. Because here we are today, all healthy and successful and connected by something that we all went through together but that their mom resolved for all of us by taking that big step.

There are many important things kids learn when you seek help with your mental health.

When you reach out for help, you are reinforcing those lessons of honesty and the importance of asking for help that you have been modeling the for years. You are also helping them see that what you have struggled with is a real medical issue and not something that is their fault. And, finally, you give them hope something we all need in this scary world.

So, take that step. Reach out for help managing your mental health. You, and your kids, will be glad that you did!

 

5 Reasons You Might Be Feeling So Pessimistic About Life Right Now

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Are you feeling pessimistic about life right now?

Do you wake up in the morning, depressed, not excited about facing your day?

Are you struggling to see anything hopeful in your future?

You are not alone!

Feeling pessimistic about life right now is something that many people, myself included, are feeling. It’s hard not to, with everything that is happening around us.

For many people, when they are feeling pessimistic about life, they tend to turn their anger and sadness inward, blaming themselves for how they are feeling. And that is natural but it’s not necessarily right.

I am writing this blog to help you see the WHY behind you feeling so pessimistic about life right now so that you can take a good look at yourself and make change, change that might help you feel even a little bit better!

Here are 5 reasons you might be feeling so pessimistic about life right now.

#1 – The outside world.

I am not sure that ever in my lifetime have things felt so out of whack all over the world.

I am a huge disaster movie junkie and almost every one of them starts with floods and fires and discontent with the government. And all of those things are happening right now.

No matter whether you are a Republican or a Democrat, I think we can all agree things are changing.

There are 1000 year floods that are taking out whole counties. There are forest fires in places there have never been forest fires before (think Newfoundland, where there are still floating icebergs in the spring) fires that are wrecking irreversible damage to property and the economy.

The tensions between varying sides of the political spectrum are getting higher, with everyone believing, on both sides of the line, that our country is at risk of being taken over by extremists.

The economy is struggling, the real estate market is out of control, Covid hangs on, still sneaking up on us when we least expect it.

Have I made you feel pessimistic about life right now with this lovely list I just shared? I bet I have. And that is the reason I shared it.

If you are struggling, know that the world that we are living in is most likely a huge part of it. I am sure that you are blaming yourself and your love life and, while those may be a part of it, when everything that is going on all around you is wonky, it’s hard to be on an even keel in your personal life!

And what is happening in the world is nothing that you can control but you can control what you do in your little corner of it!

#2 – Your mind set.

Yes, we have established that the world is a messy place and that your mind set is kind of wonky because of it. It’s hard not to focus on everything that’s horrible in the world right now.

But, it is important that you try to not make current events or your own shortcomings where your mind goes regularly.

Our brains are our worst enemies. They are constantly bombarding us with negative statements about ourselves.

They tell us that we are too fat or too thin, not smart enough, not successful enough, not lovable, friendless, aimless, hopeless. The list goes on and on.

And those thoughts can cause A LOT of damage and might be a big part of why you are feeling so pessimistic about life right now.

It is important that you make an effort to push away those thoughts. To keep them from causing damage that will only make things worse.

There are two ways to do that.

The first involves pushing back.

When you go down that dark road, push back on those thoughts. Try to access the truth about what your brain is saying, so that you can get rid of those thoughts and focus on the positive.

I always keep a list of the things that I feel about myself when times are good. I look at that list as a counter to what my brain is saying when times get bad. It works almost every time!

The other thing that you can do, something that is a little bit easier, is to keep your brain busy, even if just for a little while.

Do yoga, read a book, go to the movies, hang out with friends. Something to take you away from those negative thoughts, at least for a little while, to give yourself a break.

#3 – Your self-care.

Be honest with yourself. Have you been taking care of yourself recently?

Has feeling pessimistic about life made it more difficult for you to do the things that make you feel good?

Are you exercising? Are you taking showers? Are you hanging out with friends? Are you eating and sleeping well?

All of those things are a very important of having a positive view of the world, especially if they were things that you used to do regularly.

I am guessing that, if you haven’t been taking care of yourself, not only are you feeling pessimistic about life right now but you are probably struggling with a bit of self-judgment.

Interestingly, it’s a vicious circle which comes first, the pessimism or the lack of self-care?

Did you start feeling badly about your life and let go of your care or did you let go of your care and start to feel badly about your life?

So, ask yourself if you are taking care of yourself in the ways that you always have in the past. If the answer is no, it is time to take that first step towards making change.

Take a walk, call a friend for coffee, skip the ice cream for the day. Whatever you can do to make yourself feel even just a little bit better about life.

#4 – Holding on to the past.

I am one of those people who lives with a ton of regret. And that regret can pull me down to a very dark place.

A few weeks back, someone suggested that, when I get to that place, I tell myself that I was doing the best that I could do at the time. Because it’s true. Who we were in that moment is not the person we are right now.

Are you like most people? Do you have a lot of regrets?

Do you regret breaking up with that guy you remember to be awesome? Do you wish you had majored in marketing instead of English Lit in college? Do you wish that you hadn’t cut off that friend who was bad mouthing you?

Do you believe that if you had just chosen differently in those instances your life would be much better?

I get it but ask yourself “Was that guy really so awesome? You did, after all, break up with him. And would you really have wanted to do marketing as a career, even though it seems rather glamorous? And no one needs a friend who isn’t nice to them.

Furthermore, understand that, just because you didn’t make the choice that you think you should have made, know that, if you had made that choice, you don’t necessarily know if your life would be better. It could very well be worse!

So, don’t focus on the past. Look to the future. I know it might seem pretty bleak right now but the future you can control the past you can’t.

#5 – No vision for the future.

This is a hard one to change when you are feeling pessimistic about life right now.

When we are feeling badly, it is very hard to look to the future with hope.

When we get to a place where our mind is working against us, when we don’t take care of ourselves, when we live in the past, we get so mired in our present agony that we can’t look to the future.

From this point of view, it is literally impossible to try to access any hope for the days to come. And that just makes everything worse.

I always tell people to look to the past to get through this lack of hope for the future. (I know “it’s ironic. I just told you to ignore the past)

What I want them to focus on is all of the times where things were really bleak, when they were in a horrible place with no hope for the future. And what happened to them?

More often than not, they pulled through those dark times and got on with their lives.

Life has ups and downs. And while we all hope that one day we will find happiness that will stick, life will still give us lemons and we will struggle.

But, reconnecting with the strength that we have used in the past to get through bad times can give us hope for the future and maybe even help us start to plan what that future could look like!

I know that it is hard not to feel pessimistic about life right now.

It has been hard not to for the past few years, since some time around March 2020.

But life has its ups and downs and, if you have made it this far, you know what I am talking about.

Just know that it doesn’t have to be this way. While you can’t fix world events, you can focus on yourself. You can take care of yourself, not live in the past, not let your thoughts control you and try to create a vision of your future.

You will not always be in this place. I know it is hard to believe but it’s true.

I promise!

7 Surprising Signs that Your Boyfriend Might Be Cheating

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I am guessing that you are reading this article because you believe that your boyfriend might be cheating.

I am guessing that you are feeling pretty devastated and that you aren’t thinking clearly around what might be going on.

I am guessing that you could use some help figuring it all out.

It’s so hard to wrap your head around the fact that your boyfriend might be cheating. After all, you love him, you have shared experiences, you have hopes for the future. How could he put all of those things in jeopardy by stepping out on you?

Let me give you some clarity by sharing some examples of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating, examples that might help clear your cloudy mind and help you decide next steps.

Here are 7 surprising signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

#1 – He isn’t where he says he will be.

I know that this one might not be so surprising but it belongs on any list of signs that your boyfriend might be cheating.

A client of mine was home sick and her boyfriend said that he was going to lunch with his friends. She wanted him to bring home some medicine so she reached out to him to ask him to do so. When she couldn’t reach him, she texted his friend, the friend who was not actually having lunch with him.

So, where was he? My client had no idea and it definitely planted some doubt in her mind.

And, yep, she learned, down the line, he was cheating.

Do you generally know where your boyfriend is and what he is doing? Not every minute of every day but do you feel confident that he isn’t lying to you? If not, your guy might just be cheating.

#2 – His sex drive has changed.

Many men who are having an affair have a reduced sex drive. Why? Because they are getting their sexual needs met elsewhere. Not only are their needs being met elsewhere but, after sex with someone else, they have little left to give their partner.

As a result, people who are being cheated on are also being denied sex for themselves.

Interestingly, when someone’s boyfriend might be cheating, this lack of interest in sex can follow a period of increased interest in sex. This can be caused by an unconsummated affair, where sexual tension is heightened but no action has yet been taken. In other words, he needs an outlet for the desire he is feeling for this new person and his partner is there for that!

Has your boyfriend’s sex drive changed? Are you noticing that he wants more or less sex than he has in the past? If yes, it just might be possible that your boyfriend is having an affair!

#3 – He is impatient with you.

People who are having an affair are feeling GUILTY. They know that what they are doing is wrong, on so many levels. And how might that guilt show up? As anger towards their partner.

This impatience is classic projection. Instead of being impatient and angry with themselves, they project their feelings onto their partner. They project their feelings onto the person who they are cheating on, justifying to themselves, in some way, their affair.

If they are feeling impatient and frustrated by their partners, it’s easier for cheaters to detach themselves from them and move forward with fooling around.

So, pay attention to your partners moods. Are they different than they were before? Is he impatient with you in a way that he hasn’t been before? Is he quick to anger and blame around any random issue? Is he not the man who you fell in love with?

If yes, he just might be stepping out on you.

#4 – He questions whether you are fooling around.

Many men who are having an affair accuse their partner of having one as well. Why? Two things.

The first is that the cheater believes that, if he can cheat, anyone can cheat. And so why wouldn’t his partner cheat on him? On some level, he might actually believe that his partner is truly cheating on him and he feels that his accusations are justified.

The second is that guilt I referred to above. The cheater feels guilty for what they are doing and, if they accuse their partner of cheating, it not only makes them feel better about themselves, it also can serve to deflect any conversations that might be happening about their potential infidelity and focus it elsewhere on their partner.

Is your boyfriend accusing you of cheating, for no reason? If yes, your boyfriend might be cheating and it might be time to walk away.

#5 – He can’t answer simple questions.

My client told me that her boyfriend had changed. That, for most of their relationship, they had been able to talk about anything and everything, whether it be chores or emotions or their social life. Now, out of nowhere, he can’t and won’t talk about anything.

When she brings up why he didn’t do something he said he would do, he barks at her. When she asks him why he is home late, he storms out of the room. When she asks him how lunch was with his friend, he says fine and volunteers nothing more.

She says that she feels like she is alone in the relationship, that when she tries to talk to him, she either gets met with anger or silence. And it hurts, big time.

Why might your guy be unable to answer questions if they are cheating?

Again, it might be the guilt that they are feeling around their affair. It also might be because of their need to protect the lies that they are telling around their affair. After all, lying isn’t easy and, the more vague you are with your partner, the easier it will be to cover your tracks.

#6 – He wants to stay home.

Does your guy want to stay home more often then he used to?

Instead of being excited to hang out with friends or go to the movies or to the local bar, does your boyfriend want to order in and watch Netflix?

If the answer to this question is yes, then it is possible that your boyfriend might be cheating on you.

Why? Because he is worried that, if you go out, you might run into the person he is having an affair with, or somehow find out, and that could blow the whole thing up. And that idea scares the shit out of him!

So, are you finding that you are binging Stranger Things” more than usual? If yes, it just might be because your boyfriend is cheating and scared to leave the house with you.

#7 – His friends are avoiding you.

This is a big one.

Guys are horrible at keeping secrets and the last thing in the world that they want to do is risk letting you know that their friend is cheating.

So, what do they do? They avoid you. They go out of their way to not be there when you are around and, if you are, they will make sure that they have as little contact with you as possible.

They do not want to be the one who spills the beans about this relationship and have to deal with the aftermath.

Think hard. Are your boyfriend’s friends avoiding you? Are they not treating you the way they always have? Are they trying to keep their distance when you are in the same place? Do you wonder if they might be keeping something from you? If yes, then your boyfriend just might be fooling around.

Suspecting that your boyfriend might be cheating is a horrible thing.

There might not be anything worse (except for maybe KNOWING that they are).

Unfortunately, when presented with the possibility, it is hard to determine what is real and what isn’t. That is where my list comes in. Read it carefully and see if anything there applies to your relationship.

Is your boyfriend being secretive or vague? Are his friends being the same? Have his behaviors, his sex drive or his communication skills changed? Is he impatient with you or does accuse you of cheating? Do you stay home much more than you used to?

Of course, all of these things might not be signs that your person is cheating on you but, if for some reason you suspect he might be, these signs might help you confirm whether he is or not.

 

 

 

 

 

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