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5 Reasons You Might be Holding on to a Toxic Relationship

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Holding on to a toxic relationship instead of letting go is, more often than not, the norm.

The strength that it takes to walk away from any relationship, much less a toxic one, is huge and the fear of the pain that we might feel even worse.

If you want to find the strength to stop holding on to a toxic relationship, it ‘ s important to understand why we are holding on – what is motivating us to not let go and walk away from something that is only making us miserable.

To help you understand, here are 5 reasons you might be holding on to a toxic relationship and ways to push back on the reasons so you can move on.

#1 – Fear of being alone.

It is the human condition to want to be in a pair. To have someone to share one ‘ s life and experiences with. That is the goal.

Unfortunately, for many of us, we are willing to settle for ‘ ˜good enough ‘ when it comes to finding the other half of our twosome. We believe that if we let go of the bird in hand, we will NEVER find another person to love. The prospect of putting ourselves out there again so that we can find that person is overwhelmingly daunting. So, we hold on to the one we have now. No matter how bad they are for us.

Let me tell you, from decades of personal and professional experience; there is always another person out there for us. We might not find them right away, but we will NEVER find them if we stay in the relationship that we are in.

So, if you are staying in your toxic relationship because you believe that if you leave you will always be alone, let me tell you that you won ‘ t! There is a person out there for you, a person who will be your perfect half, who will make you whole.

#2 – Low self-esteem.

I can ‘ t tell you how many of my clients who are in toxic relationships have very low self-esteem.

They just don ‘ t believe that they are worthy of good love, and, if they do, they have no idea how to go out and find it.

Unfortunately, the result of toxic relationships can be the lowering of self-esteem. We are unhappy, isolated from our friends, belittled for any perceived shortcomings and know, deep down, that we aren ‘ t being treated well.

And if we don ‘ t feel good about ourselves, we attract men who don ‘ t feel good about us either.

For me, part of letting go of my toxic love was focusing on my business. I was able to redirect the pain of letting go of the relationship into something that made me feel really good about myself. And feeling good about myself allowed me to let him go and find someone who sees just how awesome I am.

#3 – Patterns and habits.

I can ‘ t overemphasize enough how big a role patterns play in our lives.

Think about your daily routines and patterns and how off you feel those days that your routines are broken. Like if you always have breakfast before you head out the door and one day you just can ‘ t and how you just don ‘ t feel yourself for the rest of the day.

Now imagine this in a relationship. When a relationship is new and good, we establish patterns and routines with our partners. And those patterns and routines become entrenched in our lives. Breaking them can be nearly impossible.

Do you imagine what Christmas would be like without your partner? Or wonder who you would go to the movies with on Wednesdays? Those are the patterns that keep us with our toxic loves. We don ‘ t want to let go of them, can ‘ t conceive of life without them, and that keeps us trapped.

Interestingly, even breaking up and getting back together gets routine. With my toxic relationship, I would break up with him and then, like clockwork, 8 weeks later he would reach out to me, and before I knew it I was back where I started. I can ‘ t tell you how many times that happened.

I have since learned that if you can get past that 8-week mark, you can break a pattern. And I can promise you that you will find someone else to go to the movies with on Wednesdays. I did.

#4 – Self-blame.

One of the most insidious things about toxic love is that, after a while, we start to blame ourselves for everything that is going wrong.

I have a client whose husband had a relationship with one of their employees. For three years, my client has asked her husband to fire that woman and for three years, he has promised to and hasn ‘ t. She is beside herself, and rightly so.

The thing is, her husband has done a remarkable job making her feel like their issues are HER fault. He says that if she could just let this go, they could be happy. That she has no compassion for this other woman ‘ s children – what would they do if their mother had no income? Because of his accusations, she truly questions her mental health some days.

Do you blame yourself for why your relationship is toxic? Do you believe that if you could just have been a little bit nicer or paid more attention to him or had sex with him when he wanted you to that, everything would be just fine?

If yes, stop. Your person is making your life difficult, and while you might play a role in the situation, I can promise you that it ‘ s NOT all your fault.

#5 – You are soulmates.

Do you believe that the relationship that you share with your person is like none other? That the intense passion and connection that you share can not compare with anyone else ‘ s relationship and that letting it go would be such a waste?

Let me tell you, EVERYONE feels that way about their relationship. I hate to burst your bubble, but while the love you have for this person might be strong, it ‘ s not the ultimate love in the world and letting go of it will not be the end of love for you.

As a matter of fact, if you can let go of your toxic love, then you are WAY more likely to find a connection that is real and wonderful and magic.

I did.

Holding on to a toxic relationship often happens because we fear the pain that we will feel if we let go.

But letting go of toxic love is very important for a happy life. Can you imagine spending the rest of your life living with someone who makes your life miserable more often than they make you happy?

Could you ever be happy if the rest of your life is the same as your life today?

I know that for me finally getting out of my toxic relationship gave me the time, strength and focus to build my business and my self-esteem. It made me understand that I could break patterns and not only survive but thrive. I learned that I was okay being alone and that while to me our love was special, really there is other, better love in this world.

So, what are you waiting for? Letting go of a toxic love is something that you can start doing right now!

Are Your In-Laws Driving You Nuts? 5 Ways to Cope.

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Are your in-laws driving you nuts?

Are you incredibly frustrated but not sure what to dobecause they are your partner ‘ s parents and you want to be respectful?

I get it. In-laws can be a challenge. I know there were certainly in-law struggles in my marriage and sometimes things didn ‘ t go well.

I have thought about my struggles during those early days of our marriage and what I could have done differently. I have many more life skills now than I had then and I have decided that I could have done things differently.

What I have learned since then is that you can ‘ t change other ‘ s behavior but you can change your reaction to them. A person is how a person is and, unless they want to change, they won ‘ t. Controlling how you react to their behaviors is something that you can do and, when you do, you might find that dealing with an overbearing in law is possible.

So, with that idea in mind, here are some things to keep in mind about your in laws that might help you change your reaction to them so that you can deal with them in a healthy way.

#1 – They have experience that you don ‘ t have.

Your in-laws have been doing what you are just beginning to do for probably more than a few decades. That is a lot of experience, experience that you should appreciate and take advantage of. Much like when you start a new job, you are new at this and looking towards someone with more experience, whether you like them or not, can help you succeed. And, as a parent or a newlywed, whether you realize it or not, you can use all of the help and insight that you can get.

An excellent way to deal with in-laws driving you crazy is to ask them to share that experience with you. Asking them questions, getting their opinions, sometimes even deferring to their wishes, will all help you connect with them. And if they feel like they are playing some part in their child’s new life then they will be way easier to get along with.

Of course, you don ‘ t necessarily have to follow their advice but even being asked about it will give them some satisfaction. That being said, you might just learn something that you never thought of and is an excellent idea!

So, mine some of the experience that you have right at hand. You will be glad you did, for many reasons.

#2 – They raised you partner.

I know it ‘ s hard to imagine but your in-laws did raiseyour partner. They fed them and bathed them and changed their diapers for years. They taught them how to do just about everything that they do.

Your in-laws had a profound influence your partner ‘ s life for 18 years or more. And that shouldn ‘ t be discounted. They even deserve some credit and respect for the fact that they did that. And you love your partner – that is why you are with them. Your in-laws must have done some things right.

And even if they didn ‘ t do such a great job as parents, chances are they will be great grandparents. For some reason, good parenting can skip generations.

My mother-in-law always told me that her son could clean a toilet and vacuum like a madman. I told her that, after 20 years of marriage, I had retrained him: he cleaned nothing anymore. I see now that that was a slap in her face. She worked hard to raise the person that she did and she should to be recognized, and appreciated, for that.

And I did love the person who her son had become. I wish I had had more respect for that.

#3 – They love your kids as much, if not more, than you do.

They say that being a grandparent is the most wonderful thing in the world. That you get all of the joys of being a parent without all the difficulties. So, know that, at the very least, one more person is madly in love with your child.

I know that my grandmother was a huge positive influence in my life. She hadn ‘ t been a great mother to my mother but, for me, she was amazing. And I have learned, from my own mother, that having grandchildren is the best thing that ever happened to her.

So, appreciate that this person loves your children as much as they do. After all, every person who loves your child is a gift.

#4 – They really do just want to help.

In-laws don ‘ t set out to drive us crazy. They don ‘ t mean to criticize our parenting or complain about the state of our kitchen. They are there, in the house, to be with their children and grandchildren.

And, more often than not, their intentions are good.

Perhaps the manner in which they speak up about our parenting or our housekeeping skills is abrasive and stinging but remember they are only human and are most likely just trying to support you in any way they can. Really.

So, next time your in-laws is are in your house, put them to work. They could hang out with the kids or help you fold the laundry or take your partner out for a break. Mothers, in particular, are used to being busy and when she is at your house, a ‘guest,’ she might feel put out and useless. Fathers might be bored and grumpy and happy to be helpful.

Try to recognize that your in-laws are there for good reason, even if you find them overbearing at times. But if you can recognize and accept their motives you will go a long way towards dealing with them successfully.

And I am sure there is some help somewhere that you really need.

#5 – They won ‘ t always be there.

So many mothers start out with no support. Their mother and mother-in-law is far away, or no longer alive, or absent for some reason.

When we are newlyweds or new parents, or even more seasoned ones, we are lucky to have someone there who can support us when we need it. My mother lived in Virginia and, while she was there right after my daughter was born, she could only stay a week.

Fortunately, my mother-in-law lived close by. And while we didn’t always see eye to eye, she was there some times when I really needed her. I am very lucky that I had that.

Also, remember, none of us are getting any younger and that our in-laws might not always be there for us. Appreciate how lucky you are and make the best of it.

I know that when your in-laws are driving you nuts life can be very challenging.

But I can promise you that, if you can adjust your reaction to their behaviors, your efforts will be worth it in the long run.

In-laws are in so many ways an asset to every relationship, even if they can be trying at times.

Learn from their experience, have respect for the years they cared for your spouse, know that they adore your kids, put them to work and appreciate that they exist.

After all, your partner loves them. They are his or her mother or father. You loving themtoo shows your partner just how much you love them, which makes everybody happy.

Why am I Feeling Sad All the Time When My Life is Good

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Have you been asking yourself Why am I feeling sad all the time when my life is good?

Do you feel like you have everything that you want in your life but still you feel like you are carrying a hundred pound weight on your back, that you have no interest in anything and that all you want to do is sleep?

I am not a doctor but I can tell you that I used to feel that way all the time. I lived with this overwhelming sense of hopelessness and dread. I tried to be agood parent but keeping my energy up was close to impossible. I tried to begreat wife but my irritability prevented that from happening. I had a great job but myperformance suffered.

This went on for years. YEARS. I thought that I was managing it, and I was. Until I wasn ‘ t.

One day, when I was 42 years old, I found myself in a closet banging my head against the wall. I had no idea what was going on.

A friend of mine scooped me up off the floor and took me to see a psychiatrist. He diagnosed me with chemical depression. He sent me off with some medication and instructions to follow up with a therapist.

That day changed my life.

I learned that chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease. The way I was feeling was not because of some personal weakness but because my brain chemistry was letting me down. And that, treated, I was going to start enjoying my great life!

If you arefeeling sad all the time then you too could bechemically depressed. This means that you have a chemical imbalance that causes depressive symptoms without something actually being wrong.

So, what do you do if you are feeling sad all the time even if your life is good? I have some suggestions.

#1 – Ask yourself a few questions.

A good way to get a sense of whether or not you are chemical depressed is to ask yourself some questions. They are:

  • Are you living with feelings of sadness, tearfulness, emptiness or hopelessness?
  • Are you more irritable than usual?
  • Have you lost interest in things that used to make you happy?
  • Are you not sleeping as well as you used to?
  • Have your sleep patterns changed? Are you spending more time in bed?
  • Have your eating patterns changed? Have you lost or gained weight?
  • Are you more anxious than you used to be?
  • Do you struggle with feelings of worthlessness?
  • Do you have a hard time focusing?
  • Do you think about committing suicide?
  • Do you have new physical problems, like headaches or backaches.

If you answered yes to any, or all, of these questions you are most likely suffering from chemical depression.

Now, ask yourself if this has happened to you before? How regularly? Does anyone else in your family struggle with depression? Were there any traumatic experiences in your life that might have affected you deeply?

If you answer YES to any of those questions you might be suffering from chemical depression.

If so, what to do next?

#2 – Don ‘ t be embarrassed.

Many people who are diagnosed with chemical depression are embarrassed. Embarrassed that they can ‘ t just ‘ suck it up. ‘ That they might have some kind of personal deficiency that makes them weak in the face of this perceived disease.

Let me tell you – You are not weak. You are not lacking something that others have that make it so that you can ‘ t ‘ ˜suck it up. ‘ You are actually incredibly brave for facing this issue head on.

Again, chemical depression is a disease caused by a chemical imbalance. The same as heart disease, the same as thyroid disease.

Chemical depression is perceived by many in society to be a personal weakness. I mean how can you feel sad all the time when your life is good? Luckily more and more people are speaking up about living with mental illness. More and more people, including many famous people, are being honest about living well with their condition and helping to eliminate the stigma about mental illness.

So, join the celebrities. Don ‘ t be embarrassed. Chemical depression is not something that you could have prevented. But it is something that you can deal with.

#3 – See your primary care doctor immediately.

If you are feeling sad even though your life is good it is important that you reach out to your primary care doctor as soon as possible to tell her about your symptoms. Seeking medical help is key to dealing with depression.

Many primary care physicians are knowledgeable about the treatment of depression and can help you with treatment right away. Some primary care doctors might refer you to a psychiatrist who can help you diagnose and manage your depression.

DON ‘ T think that your doctor is going to judge you for your depression. Doctors are trained to take care of people without judgement. If you had a thyroid issue, would you be embarrassed to see your doctor? No.

Don ‘ t let fear that you are going to be judged prevent you from reaching out for help because help is what you need right now to feel better!

#4 – Stick to your treatment.

This is a key part of dealing with chemical depression.

I have a client who saw her doctor because she was feeling sad and the doctor gave her a scrip for an anti-depressant. She took it and, over the course of a month, she started feeling better. After 6 months she was feeling great so she went off it. 3 months later she found herself sad again and wondering why.

I have another client who was prescribed an anti-depressant and it made her tired. Instead of going back to the doctor to see about another option, that client just stopped taking her meds. Without treatment, her depression got worse and her life got more difficult. Eventually, she did go back to the doctor and they got her on something that has made her life a much happier place.

So, stick to your treatment. Continue to take your meds. Just like you would if your doctor had prescribed meds to help you with a thyroid issue. Or diabetes. And if you don ‘ t like the side effects, go back and get something different. There are many treatment options out there for you.

#5 – Surround yourself with people who love you.

Many people who suffer from chemical depression tend to isolate themselves from friends and family. Making the effort to spend time with people and to pretend to enjoy themselves is just too much. So, they don ‘ t.

Unfortunately, isolating is one of the worst things that you can do when you are feeling depressed. Staying home, eating ice cream, sleeping and feeling hopeless are not going to help you get past this dark place, as much as doing those things feel great right now.

So, make an effort to get yourself out there and spend time with people who love you. Spending time with people who make you laugh, who keep you out of your head and make you feel good about yourself is very important to managing your clinical depression.

Asking myself why I was feeling sad all the time even though my life was good changed my life.

Once I learned the signs of chemical depression it helped me to understand that it is possible to be depressed even when things are good.

So, ask yourself the questions that I list above. If you find that you answer yes to a lot of the questions, reach out and get some help. Don ‘ t be embarrassed – many people struggle with this and getting help is the brave thing to do.

Also make sure to take care of yourself and surround yourself with people who love you no matter how hard it seems..

You, like millions of other people, can have a full and happy life living withchemical depression. All you need to do is to pick up the phone and call your doctor.

Do it TODAY!

How to Stop Feeling Insecure After Your Spouse Cheated

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Are you feeling insecure after your spouse cheated?

Did the person you swore who love you forever betray you by having an affair?

Has your self-esteem been decimated and do you find yourself circling the drain in more ways than one?

Don ‘ t worry! You are not alone. Many people suffer from feeling insecure after their partner cheats.

Fortunately, there are steps that you can take that will help you manage that insecurity and move forward with your head held high.

#1 – Don ‘ t blame yourself.

Are you blaming yourself for your partner cheating? Are you feeling like if you were just nicer, or prettier, or more successful, they wouldn ‘ t have cheated? Do you believe that your perceived deficiencies are why your partner was unfaithful?

I can promise you, here and now – you are not at fault for your partner cheating. There are two people in every relationship and, yes, there are often issues that arise between them but that doesn ‘ t mean that people are given a license to cheat.

In a healthy relationship, issues are addressed and put to bed before they become bigger than life.

That being said, you are in the same troubled relationship with your spouse and you didn ‘ t cheat. You were strong enough to keep your vows even as your relationship foundered.

If anything, you are the one who should hold their head high because you acted with integrity instead of cowardice. They did not.

#2 – Face it head on.

Many people who have been cheated on struggle to face what happened head on.

Sometimes they don ‘ t confront their partners, worried that if they do they will get a confirmation that they really don ‘ t want to hear. Sometimes, once they do receive said confirmation, they don ‘ t address it any further, hoping that if they just ignore it it will go away. Sometimes, they don ‘ t tell their friends or family because they are so embarrassed and they hold what happened and their emotions inside.

It is important that, if you are feeling insecure after your spouse cheated, you face it head on. That you talk directly to your partner about what happened, why and how. To ask the questions that you need to ask and process the answers in way that will help you deal with it.

It is also important that you share what has happened with someone you trust. I am not telling you to broadcast what happened to the neighborhood but confiding in a friend or family member will give you a sounding board on which to process.

If you can ‘ t face this directly you will keep all your anger and hurt and fear inside. Any chance of fixing things with your spouse will be impossible because the issue isn ‘ t being addressed. The knowledge that your spouse cheated and that you did nothing to address it will eat you up inside, making you feel more insecure every day.

A strong person who faces adversity head on is not an insecure person. Quite the opposite, indeed.

#3 – Soul search.

In the same way that I suggest that you face what happened head on with your partner, so I encourage you to dig deep and do some soul searching about how you got to this place. How your marriage got to a place where your partner cheated.

When my ex cheated on me, I was devastated. While I don ‘ t blame myself for his cheating, in retrospect I have realized that I helped create thepetridish in which my partner ‘ s infidelity developed.

I was contemptuous of him, always questioning why he did or didn ‘ t do things. We lived apart often, because of work or the kids. We never had sex. I was always in charge. Etc.

None of these things made him feel loved or respected and eventually he met someone who make him feel both. And he left.

In my current relationship I have worked hard to not create an atmosphere where my partner would look elsewhere for love or affection. I work hard to communicate instead of being passive aggressive and treating my guy with contempt. I make sure we have sex and thatthe power in the relationship is even.

It ‘ s not always easy because old habits are hard to break, but doing sohas kept our relationship strong and infidelity proof.

So, take some time and do some soul searching. Are you happy with who you are in your relationship? Would doing some work on yourself help you be a better partner (in this relationship or in the next)? Is the life that you are living honestly what you want it to be? Knowing more about yourself will help you stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated.

#4 – Take care of yourself.

For many of us, when we learn that a partner cheated, we sink into a very dark place.

Because we have been betrayed by the person who was closest to us, our ability to function in the world can be compromised. And when that happens, the healthy behaviors that we might have practiced in the past can be sabotaged.

Tell me the truth – has your time since you discovered that your partner cheated been filled with exercise and salads or ice cream and binge watching TV? If you answered the second, you are not alone. I have personally spent a lot of time on the couch mourning a betrayal.

It is important that, to stop feeling insecure after your partner cheated, you take care of yourself. That you get exercise, eat well and sleep. That you spend time with people who love you. That you do things in the world that give you joy. That you dig into your job so that you can hold your head up at work well done.

Eating ice cream, sleepless nights and stalking your partner ‘ s lover on Instagram will only cause you pain. Which will lead to more ice cream, weight gain and a plummeting self-esteem.

So, get yourself out there. Take walks with your friends, eat food that makes your body feel strong and spend time with people who know how awesome you are.

The best revenge is being happy and healthy in spite of what your loser partner did.

#5 – Don ‘ t settle.

Are you considering staying with your person after they cheated? Are you worried about the kids or your community or your finances or what your parents might think? Are you staying with your spouse for any reason other than the fact that you love them and truly want things to work out?

If the answer to my question is the first and not the second then I would encourage you to think hard before you make this decision. This is the rest of your life that you are talking about. And life is short and being happy is important.

Imagine waking up every day, for the rest of your life, next to the person you haven ‘ t forgiven and no longer love. Imagine Christmas mornings and weddings and anniversaries spent next to someone you don ‘ t respect. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and making small talk.

Now imagine waking up every day for the rest of your life with someone you love and respect. Imagine Christmases and weddings and anniversaries with someone you can trust. Imagine sitting across from them at a dinner table and feeling a rush of love.

How amazing would that be?

Being in a relationship with someone we love and trust, and who loves and trusts us back, is an excellent way to boost our self-esteem. Seeing how wonderful we are in the eyes of another lifts us up in a way nothing else can.

So, think carefully before you decide next steps. You deserve to be happy and you are the only one who can make that happen. Don ‘ t settle!

Working to stop feeling insecure after your spouse cheated can be very difficult. You have been betrayed and there is nothing worse in a relationship.

Fortunately, there are things that you can do to rebuild your self-esteem after your spouse cheats. First and foremost, don ‘ t blame yourself. You didn ‘ t cheat. Face the infidelity head on instead of burying it deep. Take good care of yourself. Do some soul searching about what you want in life and in relationships and don ‘ t settle. Never settle.

This is a horribly difficult time for you but you can get through it intact and move forward to live the life you want. I promise.

5 Reasons You Can’t Stop Hurting after a Break Up

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The fact that you can’t stop hurting after a break up is natural. But it doesn’t have to last forever!

Are you wondering why you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up?

Are you totally miserable, having a hard time getting past it and wondering why?

If you can ‘ t stop hurting after break up know that you are not alone. Letting go of love is challenging and takes time and good for you for taking the steps to figure out why you are feeling this way so that you can let go of the pain and get on with your life.

While it ‘ s not surprising that you are still hurting because your heart has been damaged, there are other, sometimes surprising, reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and those reasons might be easier to manage if you have some awareness about them.

Here are 5 surprising reasons why you are still hurting after letting go of love.

#1 – Fear of never being loved again.

When we are going through the pain of a break up we are experiencing fear in many forms.

We are afraid that we will be forever alone, that no one will ever love us again. We are afraid that we are unlovable. We are afraid that we are flawed. We are afraid that we will never be happy. We are afraid that our dreams of marriage and a family will never come true.

These fears are certainly understandable but, fortunately, they are mostly like completely unfounded even if they feel really true to you in this moment.

I have never yet met someone who broke up with someone and never found another person to love. There are millions of people out there and at least one more of them is out there waiting for you.

You are definitely not unloveable or flawed – you just weren ‘ t well matched with your ex.

You will be happy again. I know that it ‘ s hard to imagine right now as you go through the pain of a break up but you will be!

And there is still plenty of time for your dreams to come true.

One of the reasons we feel so much pain is because of our fear. It can be hard to manage but it can be easier to push back on if we are aware of exactly what we are afraid of! So, take a look at what you are afraid of and question if what you fear is really true.

#2 – You are feeling lonely and bored.

I know, you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and you believe that you will never be happy again. And these feelings are warranted. But I would also argue that a lot of your pain comes from sheer loneliness and boredom.

When we break up with someone, we lose a playmate. Someone to watch TV with, to go out to dinner with, to fool around with, to just hang out with during those down times. And now you don ‘ t have that person.

For a lot of people, when they are feeling depressed after a break up, they stop doing things. They don ‘ t feel like doing things because they are depressed but they also aren ‘ t used to doing things without their person so they don ‘ t do anything at all. As a result, they are bored and lonely and they spend lots of time thinking about their ex and they get depressed.

I would encourage you to do whatever you can to keep yourself busy. I was just talking to a client who said that just taking a trip to Starbucks brightened her day, at least temporarily. Sitting at home, obsessing, was sucking the life out of her!

I know it ‘ s hard during these times of Covid to keep yourself busy but now is the time to work to do so. Facetime with friends, read books, get into shape, learn something new, watch rom-coms with your mom, whatever you can do to keep yourself busy and not bored.

Honestly, you might not be missing your ex as much as you think you are and keeping yourself busy might prove that!

#3 – You feel like you wasted so much time.

It ‘ s interesting – many of my clients can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up because they lament the time that they invested in their ex. Everyone has hopes and dreams and when they lose someone, they feel like they have had to let go of their hopes and dreams forever.

Many people stay in relationships that aren ‘ t serving them because they have ‘ ˜invested so much time already. ‘ They don ‘ t want to have to go back to online dating and start all over again. So, they stay. And then, when the relationship eventually fails anyway, they have wasted even more time.

Furthermore, people who can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up are often preoccupied with the fact that they had to let go of hopes and dreams about this relationship and they rue spending so much time trying to achieve those hopes and dreams that they didn ‘ t see the reality of their unhappy relationship.

If you are obsessing about the time wasted in a relationship with your ex, let it go. Yes, it ultimately didn ‘ t work out but I am guessing that you had some really good times and perhaps you have even learned some things about yourself that will help you in future relationships.

#4 – You question who you are in the world.

Many of us don ‘ t realize that when we are feeling depressed after a break up it ‘ s because we are feeling so badly about ourselves.

If we are left by someone, we question why we weren ‘ t good enough. If we do the leaving, we wonder what is wrong with us that we can ‘ t find a steady relationship. We truly believe that we are flawed in some deep way and that we will never be happy with someone and get the things we want in our lives.

Let me tell you, there is NOTHING wrong with you. Yes, you weren ‘ t well matched with your ex but that doesn ‘ t mean you are flawed. Of course, I encourage everyone to take a good look at themselves and see what they have learned over the course of the relationship but that doesn ‘ t mean that you are damaged or unloveable in any way just that you, like everyone, are a work in progress and a human being.

You are how you are. If someone doesn ‘ t see how amazing you are, they aren ‘ t worthy of you. If you chose a partner in error, remember we all make mistakes.

The important thing is to pick yourself back up, have faith in yourself and your ability to connect and keep on looking for your happily ever after! You are absolutely worthy of a happily ever after!

#5 – The Big Picture.

One of things that people really don ‘ t notice when can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is that there is a whole lot more depressing stuff going on in the world. And those things make our pain over the break up worse.

I have a client who is struggling big time with a broken heart and every day focuses in on it being the source of her depression. The reality is is that she is also struggling with a daughter she is estranged from, job insecurity and Covid-19. Those are all things that are mostly out of her control so it ‘ s hard to face them. And when she feels badly about them, she defaults back to ruminating about her break up. Instead of understanding that she has a lot of challenges in the world, she blames all of her unhappiness on her broken heart.

So, ask yourself, what are you struggling with these days, other than your break up? Are some of those things things that you haven ‘ t dealt with because focusing on your broken heart is easier? If the answer is yes, understand that part of the pain that you are feeling are those things and not just your broken heart!

The fact that you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up is totally natural. It ‘ s not fun but it ‘ s natural.

It is surprising that often times what we feel is causing so much pain, the end of our relationship, is not necessarily the only thing that is making us depressed.

We are depressed because we are afraid of the future, because we are bored, because we are struggling with wasted time and self doubt and because the world is damn hard place to cope with these days.

So, as you ride out your broken heart, take stock of these 5 surprising reasons you can ‘ t stop hurting after a break up and know that you will get through this time and out the other side better than ever!

You can do it!

7 Signs You are Being Emotionally Abused in Your Relationship

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Are you looking for signs you are being emotionally abused in your relationship? Are you worried that you might be caught up in something that isn ‘ t good for you but you just aren ‘ t sure?

Sometimes we are too close to a relationship to recognize the signs that it has turned into something damaging. Our friends and family tell us it is toxic but it ‘ s hard for us to recognize because we are in it every day.

It is important that you know the signs of emotional abuse so that you can recognize whether it exists in your relationship and whether it ‘ s time to get out.

#1 – One person has all the control.

One big sign that you are being emotionally abused in your relationship is when one partner controls the other.

One of my clients had a partner who had complete control of her actions. He dictated whether or not she could attend school, who her friends were, how she dressed, when they would have sex and what she ate for every meal. He also told her that only he was allowed to end the relationship. She took it all for granted and assumed that’s just how relationships were. Yeah, no.

People in healthy relationships do not try to control the other person. People in healthy relationships give each other the freedom to live their lives and be their own person. People who control everything that their partner does are people who create toxicity and discord in a relationship.

Are you given the freedom to be who you want to be in your relationship? If not, there is emotional abuse in your relationship and it ‘ s important that you recognize it.

#2 – Words hurt instead of help.

A very important part of every healthy relationship is communication. This means talking about feelings and things that need to be done but it ‘ s also about making sure that the other person knows that they are loved and respected.

Does your person talk to you with love and affection or do they lash out at you verbally? Do words spoken, either calmly or in anger, inflict pain? Is the language laced with profanity, words that belittle and make you feel very much less than?

Words aren ‘ t meant to inflict pain. Words can express anger and disappointment but those words shouldn ‘ t inflict pain, make you feel bad about yourself or display disrespect.

Pay attention. If your partner is repeatedly raising their voice and inflicting pain, instead of expressing feelings, then you are mostly likely being emotionally abused in your relationship.

#3 – There is no respect.

One of the hardest to recognize, but one of the most important, signs of emotional abuse in a relationship is the presence of contempt.

Contempt is defined as ‘ ˜the feeling that a person is beneath consideration, worthless or deserving scorn. ‘ Signs of contempt include eye rolling, unkind words, sarcasm and dismissal.

Contempt can be hard to recognize because it ‘ s easily explained away. Oh, I deserved that or He is just crabby or He was just showing off for his friends are excuses that are often used to justified contempt.

Think about your interactions with your person. Is there contempt? Does your partner speak to you sarcastically? Do they talk about you behind your back? Do they roll their eyes when you try to make a point?

The number one killer of relationships is contempt. When people treat each other contemptuously the respect in the relationship is gone. And without respect, nothing else matters.

So, take a good hard look at how your partner treats you. If there is contempt, contempt that causes pain, then there is emotional abuse in your relationship and you should think about if that is what you want going forward.

#4 – Things get physical.

In movies and on TV we often see people who are being physically abused by a partner. Nicole Kidman ‘ s character in Big Little Liesis repeatedly abused, physically, by her partner but she is quick to justify the behavior and, often times, blames herself.

And while many people would say that physical pain isn ‘ t the sign of an emotionally abusive relationship, I believe that the psychic damage caused by physical pain shouldn ‘ t be down played.

Any physical pain that is inflicted on a partner is a sign of an abusive relationship. Healthy relationships involve no physical pain of any kind. Words might be said in anger but not derisively and certainly not involving any physical pain.

If you partner has hurt you physically then you are definitely in an emotionally abusive relationship that you might want to consider leaving.

#5 – There are constant apologies.

One of the hallmarks of emotionally abusive relationships is the presence of apologies.

Does your person hit you and then apologize? Does your person lash out at you verbally and then say they are sorry but that you just drive them to it? Does your person treat you with contempt and then beg you to forgive them?

People who abuse other people often feel remorse, true remorse, after hurting their partners and they apologize. That remorse doesn ‘ t mean that they aren ‘ t going to display that behavior again just that they feel sorry in the moment. Sooner or later, the abuse will begin anew.

If you find that your world is full of apologies for bad behavior then you might be being emotional abused in your relationship.

#6 – Self-esteem issues develop.

This sign of emotional abuse in a relationship has to do with your personality traits not your partner ‘ s.

Do you struggle with your self-esteem? Do you believe that you are worthless or stupid or friendless? Do you believe that you are bad at everything that you try to do? Do you believe that you are fat or ugly or undesirable?

Many people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship struggle with self-esteem issues, issues that they don ‘ t think are the result of their partner ‘ s behavior but because of some huge deficiency in their character. In fact, most people who are struggling in abusive relationships have lowered self-esteem that is the result of the mistreatment.

So, how is your self-esteem? How was it before you were in this relationship? If you felt better about yourself before this relationship then that is a sure sign that your relationship is emotionally abusive.

#7 – Estrangement.

Another significant sign of emotional abuse in a relationship is that the abused has been estranged from their friends and families.

Many emotional abusers go out of their way to make sure their victims are alienated from their loved ones because doing so gives them more control. As a result, loved ones, and their support, are cut off from their family member which only makes the family member more vulnerable to emotional abuse.

So, take stock of your relationships with your friends and family. Are they not what they used to be? And, if not, why? I know you might believe that any disconnect is all your fault but dig deeper to learn why your relationships are where they are right now.

If you an in an emotionally abusive relationship, don ‘ t forget your friends and family are out there to support you and help you escape!

Knowing the signs of whether you are being emotionally abused in a relationship is a very important part of a building a happy life.

Often, when we are in the midst of strife, it can be hard to see the truth. Others might tell us that they see warning signs but it might be hard for us to see them too.

Hopefully, now that I have spelled them out here – the contempt, the control, the unkindness, the physical pain, the apologies and the estrangement – you will be more clearly able to see whether your relationship is a healthy one or not!

If it ‘ s not, get out NOW before it ‘ s too late. You have one and only one life. Live it!

Why You are Feeling Sad in Your New Relationship After Letting Go of An Old One

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Are you feeling sad in your new relationship and absolutely dumbfounded because you are super happy? You have found the person you had always hoped you would find and yet you are still sad and missing your ex.

This feeling is horrible, I know, but it ‘ s very common. And it doesn ‘ t mean that you should leave this new relationship and go look for your ex. It means that emotions are complicated and that, with some knowledge and sel- awareness, you can accept the sadness as temporary and move forward.

Here are 5 reasons that you are feeling sad in your new relationship and how to manage those emotions.

#1 – You are still comparing.

One of the things that we do when we go out on dates with new people after breaking up with someone is we compare them. No matter how toxic the relationship, we sit across that table from our date and measure them up against our ex.

Ironically, what we usually measure is the good things that we remember about our ex – the sexual chemistry is the one I most often hear but it can also be other things – their ambition, their kids, their interests etc.

This comparison is natural but often our brains steer us in the wrong direction.

I would encourage you to make a list of all of the things about your ex that made them your ex. Be honest. It ‘ s easy to forget the things that went wrong but, if you dig deep, you will find them.

After you make your list, make a list of the good things in your new relationship. I am guessing that, if you are happy, there are many.

Making these lists, on paper, will help you see exactly why you shouldn ‘ t be with your ex, sexual chemistry or not, and why you are happy in your new relationship and that the sadness will pass.

#2 – You miss the comfort.

No matter how long we are in a relationship, patterns of behavior are developed. And these patterns are familiar and hard to change.

Whether the patterns are good ones, like eating pizza on Fridays or going for a walk every night, or bad ones, like fighting every morning about who will walk the dog or having to count drinks over the course of the evening, these patterns are yours and hard to let go of.

Furthermore, in new relationships, we often feel insecure because things are so new and we long for the comfortable, what we know so well.

Just know that, as your relationship continues to grow, so will your comfort level and, as it grows, you will be able to let go of your ex and your old ways and be happy.

#3 – You have to let go of dreams.

We when we embark down the road of a new relationship, with it comes big hopes and dreams for the future. And with a break up those dreams go up in smoke. And that is sad.

I remember the dreams I had with my ex. I had loved him in college and was so looking forward to going back to a college reunion with him by my side. We would live together and work together and heal together. We talked about where we would live and growing old together. And then, one day, it was over. And those dreams were dashed.

I am sure that you and your new ex have big hopes and dreams. I know that my new guy and I do. But I know that those hopes and dreams are different from the ones I had with my ex and it took me a while to let go of them and embrace the new ones.

But, man, am I glad I did.

#4 – End of an era.

When we end a relationship, we end an era. And era of time together as a couple, with friends, traveling, being with each other ‘ s families, perhaps having kids together or getting a dog. And when a break up occurs, that era is over.

I have a client who just broke up with his girlfriend of 2 years. They had a very tight friend group, he spent much of his days trying to help her move forward in her life, she loved his dog and they enjoyed the things that they did together. Now he has a new girlfriend and with her comes a whole new friend group, trying to figure out how to manage a long distance relationship, getting to know each other ‘ s habits and introducing each other ‘ s dogs.

This new era is exciting and new but that doesn ‘ t mean the old one wasn ‘ t special in its own way. If you can accept that the past, good and bad, is the past and that looking back isn ‘ t going to get you anywhere, you will be able to recognize that this next era is going to be great. And that will help you alleviate your sadness.

#5 – You haven ‘ t let go of what happened.

One of the reasons that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship is because you haven ‘ t processed what happened in the old one.

I know that it took me a full year to get past my ex, in spite of the fact that I was very happy with my new guy. After a toxic two year relationship, I decided one day that I just had to walk away. I knew that if I talked to him at all, he would suck me back in, as was our pattern. So, to save myself, I never talked to him again. I don ‘ t believe in closure because I truly believe that it ‘ s just an excuse to spend more time in the presence of your soon to be ex, but I also know that there were some things left unsaid between us. And that was unsettling.

But now, 3 years out, I have been able to let go of what happened and fully lean into my new relationship. It took a while but time and doing some work with my therapist helped me process what happened and move forward without looking back.

I know that you might be feeling sad in your new relationship and that is not unusual.

Fortunately, it is most likely something that will pass sooner or later.

As your relationship grows and you become more comfortable with each other, when you stop comparing your new person to your ex, when you stop looking to the past and can fully process what happened then you will be able to move on and lean into your new relationship and be truly happy.

You can do it! I promise!

5 Common Stressors That Can Lead To Depression During the Pandemic

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As the months of Covid-19 stretch on, with no end in sight, more and more people are asking me to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

We are in unprecedented times and our lives have changed completely. Things that we used to take for granted are no longer a part of our lives and things as they are now often feel uncomfortable and unnatural.

If you can identify stressors that can lead to depression, you can learn how to manage those stressors to help you manage your moods before they get the best of you.

Here are the 5 most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic.

#1 – Fear of the future.

This, I believe, is the most common stressor that is leading to depression these days.

As I write this the election rages around us, many states in the west are on fire and Black Lives Matter protests are still scattered around the US. On top of that, winter approaches and cases are mounting every day. No vaccine is in sight and Covid is dividing America even further across party lines.

We wake up every day, not knowing what the future holds.

Fear for the future and the hopelessness that it engenders causes depression in a way like none other. Not knowing what tomorrow looks likes worries us. What life will look like for our children, whether toilet paper will disappear again, whether the current weather patterns will worsen, all these things makes us anxious and fearful and depression can follow.

So, as you question whether you are depressed, take into consideration that this fear of the future is our baseline right now so things that are common stressors that can lead to depression are magnified during the Covid-19 crisis.

#2 – Lack of ‘ ˜me ‘ time.

This is a big one for me. Time by myself.

Until the pandemic, my boyfriend and I were living a quiet life together in the woods of New England. I had escaped my NYC apartment, where I had lived alone for years, to live with him. I was nervous about living with someone again but it ended up being fun. I worked from home, alone all day because he was working. I had my alone time and then there was time for us.

And then Covid hit. Within weeks one of his kids moved in with us. And 7 months later he is still with us. He lost his job and his social life dried up so he was home 24/7. I literally wasn ‘ t alone in my home for 5 months. I thrive on alone time and the lack of it is driving me, it feels like literally, insane.

Are you one of those people who needs time by themselves? Many of us do. Even if it ‘ s just the car ride to or from work, time by ourselves helps us recharge our batteries. For many of us, our batteries are on empty, especially if the co-habitants of our houses are under the age of 10.

If you are struggling with empty batteries, I would encourage you to do whatever you need to do to spend some time by yourself. I have been closing my TV room door and doing yoga, taking walks, working in the garden, writing my blogs from my bedroom and sometimes just driving nowhere. None of those things completely charge my batteries but they are doing a nice job of keeping them charged enough so that I don ‘ t drive off a cliff.

#3 – Not enough time with friends and co-workers.

I have a client who has been really struggling recently. As we talked it through I realized that she is really missing her co-workers. She had worked closely with the team for years and not being in their physical presence was wearing on her. To have them there one day and gone the next was something that she was really struggling with.

Similarly, another client, one who thrives on being with people, is really struggling because her core group of friends have left the city. They were all in their mid-twenties, living the life in the city, and they all lost their jobs and headed home to their families. She had done the same and they were all Facetiming but it just wasn ‘ t the same.

If you find that you are missing your friends and co-workers, try to make an extra special effort to figure out a way to see them. I know that it can be a challenge but there are ways. Picnics, walks, outdoor movie watching etc. All of these things can be done to allow you to spend time with people who feel you and help alleviate the depression that might be caused by the pandemic.

#4 – Anxiety about public spaces.

One of my closest friends fled San Francisco in March and is now living in her house in a small town in Vermont. She has been there since March and rarely leaves. She is worried about Covid to the extent that it has made her fearful of leaving her home.

For most of our lives, we have taken public spaces for granted. Running to the grocery store or the mall or a movie is something we used to do without thinking. Doing errands on a Saturday morning was once a family affair.

Now, we don ‘ t go out unless we need to. When we do, we don masks and carry hand sanitizer. One person goes into the store while the others wait in the car. Everyone in the store is wearing a mask and standing 6 feet apart. If they aren ‘ t, we feel anxious.

Common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic include this fear of public spaces. Not feeling safe anywhere other than our house makes us sad. It makes us anxious. It makes us worried. It makes us depressed.

Know that, if you are struggling with fears of public spaces, you are not alone. If these fears are causing you to feel depressed, get someone to help you do the things that you need to get done out there in the world so that you can manage your anxiety.

#5 – Less physical affection and romance.

I remember in March everyone was talking about Covid babies, babies that would be born 9 months after the pandemic began. Ironically, Covid babies aren ‘ t a thing. Why? Because Covid is making it so we touch each other less.

Because Covid is transmitted by physical proximity, people just aren ‘ t touching each as much other anymore. Of course, many of us have our pods of people who we interact with, and hopefully hug, but the bigger world isn ‘ t accessible to us. Hugging someone you haven ‘ t seen in a while, or even shaking their hand, isn ‘ t an option anymore.

And, if is there is one great natural depressant, it ‘ s physical touch. Hugs, holding hands, kissing – all these things make someone feel better. Not having those things, instead touching elbows, is making many of us depressed.

Furthermore, romance is, in many ways, out the window. Many of my clients are meeting people online. They are getting to know each other through FaceTime but, if and when they choose to meet, there is little or no physical contact. And without physical contact, romance is difficult. Especially new romance.

I don ‘ t mean sex but I mean that initial jolt that you get when you hug someone hello. Or when your hands touch. Or when you brush up against each other walking down the street. Those things aren ‘ t happening now. Dating is more Victorian, as if we had a chaperone who was measuring the space between us to ensure that it was ‘ ˜proper.’

Lack of romance and physical touch are very common stressors that can lead to situational depression during the pandemic.

I am guessing that if you are reading this article you are struggling with depression and wondering why.

There are many things that are in play right now that are making a lot of people depressed. Fears for the future, absence of contact with people, reduced time alone, anxiety about public spaces and the need for physical contact are all things that can drag people way down.

That being said, it is very important that you pay attention to your depression. Follow the suggestions that I made above if you think they might be helpful. If, however, you find your depression getting worse, that it is impacting your life, your work and relationships, then it ‘ s time to talk to a doctor.

Depression can get worse if it is not managed properly. Talk to your primary care doctor right away if you feel like yours is worsening and making your life a difficult one to live.

Good for you for taking the time to identify the most common stressors that can lead to depression during the pandemic. We have a long road ahead and knowing how to manage your mental health will help you come out the other side intact, ready to full live again.

You can do it!

5 Ways a Toxic Relationship Can Make You Sick

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I know that it ‘ s hard to believe but a toxic relationship can make you sick.

Just like being exposed to a toxic smell in the air or ingesting a toxic chemical by mistake, being in a toxic relationship can have serious side effects on your health, side effects that can be truly debilitating and life changing.

If you are in a toxic relationship it might be doing more than dashing your hopes for a healthy one. It might actually be making you physically ill and, if it is, it ‘ s important that you stop it in its tracks before it brings you down any further.

Here are 5 ways that a toxic relationship can make you sick.

#1 – Physical debilitation

Did you know that being in a toxic relationship can actually make your body fall apart?

The stress that you are under trying to manage your relationship, trying to process whether you should stay or go, surviving the toxicity in the relationship and trying to live your life can just get to be too much. And what is the first thing to go? Your physical health.

The effects of stress on your body is not insignificant. Stress can lead to chemical imbalances, eating disorders and substance abuse. It can also lead to respiratory, digestive and immune system issues. Furthermore, stress can be a significant contributor to sexual function disorders.

If you are struggling with body aches, persistent colds, difficulty breathing or anxiety attacks, among other things, perhaps your toxic relationship is making you sick.

Do you want this relationship to kill you? Because it might just be, slowly, doing that.

#2 – Mental despair

The most obvious sign that a toxic relationship can make you sick is the depression and anxiety that can rear their ugly heads in the midst of everything that is going on.

Toxic relationships are a day in day out thing. When relationships are bad, more often than not people regularly ruminate on them. If relationships are more than bad, if they are toxic, then we can become obsessively focused on them, causing us to turn away from and neglect things that are important to us.

Furthermore, toxic relationships fill us with feelings of despair and hopelessness, they influence how we think about ourselves and the world, they make us suspicious of other people ‘ s motivations, they make us feel unsafe. All of those things can lead to a situational depression that will get only worse before it gets better.

Extremely toxic relationships that involve severe emotional and/or physical abuse can actually lead to a clinical depression which can be hard to manage and can stay with you a long time, if not forever.

If you are feeling hopeless, if you just want to sleep all the time, if you are isolating yourself, if your moods are interfering with your life or your work, you just might be depressed. Getting out of your toxic relationship might be just thing to help you deal with that.

#3 – Isolation

Unfortunately, many people who find themselves in toxic relationships tend to isolate.

Sometimes the isolation is imposed by the partner, as a way of controlling someone, but often times people self-isolate. They do so because they might be feeling worthless, perhaps they are embarrassed by their relationship, perhaps their friends are sick of hearing about it, perhaps they are sitting at home, waiting for their person to show up.

If there is one thing that we have learned during this time of Coronavirus it ‘ s that isolation is very difficult for human beings to live with. People need to be with people. People need to touch people. They need to surrounded by people who love them. Not having those things can be debilitating in a big way.

Loneliness is one of the most significant causes of depression. It can also lead to unhealthy habits, inability to sleep and substance abuse.

If you find that you are isolating because of your toxic relationship, it could be why your body and mind are suffering so.

#4 – Self-doubt

When we are in a toxic relationship we are filled with self-doubt.

Whether it ‘ s because of the way our partner treats us, whether they belittle us or treat us with contempt or physically abuse us, the result is that we can doubt ourself at every turn. We can doubt who we are as a person, it can affect our work, it can make us question every choice we ever made.

And self-doubt is an insidious thing. The longer it goes on the more it can deeply affect your physical and mental health.

Fortunately, self-doubt can be shut down if you leave your toxic relationship and seek help. Unfortunately, as long that the toxicity exists in your life, the unhealthier, emotionally and physically you could become.

#5 – Substance abuse

When we are struggling with physical and mental issues, with isolation and self-doubt, we are often drowning, having no idea what to do, how to proceed, how to take care of ourselves. Our relationship is making us miserable and the stress is taking its toll on our physical health.

The best thing that we can do to manage side effects of a toxic relationship is to exercise, eat well and get enough sleep. Unfortunately, most of us don ‘ t do that.

For many people, the way that they manage stress is by drinking, doing drugs and over or under eating. All of those things help ease the pain that we are dealing with, at least temporarily. Unfortunately, those things ultimately just make us feel worse.

Alcohol and drugs only exacerbate mental and physical health issues. Over/under eating can lead to self-hatred and health issues related to bad nutrition. Bad habits might feel good in the short term but they will only make us sicker.

If you find that your toxic relationship is causing you to develop bad habits that only make you feel worse about yourself, perhaps it ‘ s time to walk away from the relationship and work towards being healthy again.

Knowing how and why a toxic relationship can make you sick is an excellent means of evaluating whether or not to get out of one.

If you are reading this article you most likely realize that your relationship is toxic and you are seeking some way to identify and deal with it. Connecting your toxic relationship to the physical and mental struggles you have had recently might give you that extra push to get out.

So, if you are struggling with mental and/or physical health issues, if you are isolating and full of self-doubt, if you find that you are abusing substances then it could very well that your relationship is making you sick.

Is anyone worth destroying your health for? I don ‘ t think so!

Why You Feel Like Your Life Is Falling Apart in Month 6 of Covid-19

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If you are like me and many of my clients I am guessing that you feel like your life is falling apart right now.

Do you find that all of the coping mechanisms that you have developed over the years aren ‘ t working? Do you feel worthless or like a failure or like you have no one who loves you? Are you questioning every decision you have ever made and are you wondering how you can ever be at peace again?

I have so many clients who are reaching out to me now, questioning everything in their lives and feeling like they are truly losing their shit. And, yes, they all have stuff they are dealing with but right now their burden feels overwhelming.

If you feel like your life is falling apart right now there are many reasons and most of them have nothing to do with you.

Let me share them with you now.

#1 – Life has changed completely.

Think about your life before March 2020. What did you do? Did you go out to eat and travel and visit your in-laws and drop your kids off at school and date and have ready access to toilet paper whenever you wanted it?

Did you assume that, no matter what the state of politics in the US, you had your own happy life, one with ups and downs sure, but with friends and family and freedom?

If you answered yes to any of the above questions, you are not alone. All of us always assumed that we would have the freedom to live our lives the way we wanted and, all of a sudden, that freedom was ripped away from us.

For the first time we couldn ‘ t go and do what we wanted to do. Many people lost their jobs and, even if you didn ‘ t lose yours, the unemployment numbers were staggering. Grocery store shelves were bare and any travel plans you had were cancelled.

And the government was confusing us at every turn, giving us no confidence that we knew how to get through this.

This is a HUGE! We have literally been thrown off balance in a way that none of us know how to cope with. We have been pushing through these last few months but now we are tired. Now we are scared. Now we wonder what is next for our family and our country.

And all of these events and emotions are overwhelming us to the point that we are doubting ourselves and our life choices and our ability to accomplish anything. This is what you are feeling.

#2 – There is no end in sight.

Here we are, 6 months into the nightmare that is Covid-19, and there is no end in sight.

In June, we had all hoped that the summer months would help reduce the number of deaths. The President promised us that it would all just magically disappear. Masks became the fashion statement de jour and social distancing was encouraged.

And yet, people continued to fall ill. People were told that Covid was a hoax and didn ‘ t follow protocols that might have saved lives. Schools are re-opening and children and teachers are getting sick. And there is no vaccine in sight.

Who can blame you for feeling hopeless and helpless and out of control of your life, especially when you know your health is being threatened by non-believers. You feel like you have no control right now, over anything, so it ‘ s really hard to feel like you have control over yourself. And that lack of control shows up as self-doubt and anxiety.

#3 – Winter is coming.

I know that in many parts of the US winter coming isn ‘ t as big a deal as it is for most of us but for those of us who do deal with long, cold winters, we know, and dread, what is ahead.

Cold winters mean we all move indoors. Outdoor dining and social events are going to evaporate. Colds and flu will run rampant, creating a fear that with every sniffle or fever we, or our family, have coronavirus. It ‘ s dark and cold and the outside experiences that got us through these last few months are going to be few and far between.

And who knows what is going to happen over the holidays – often the only bright spot before the long days of January, days when we see family and visit warm places. Just the thought of it makes me sad.

Even in the best of times, winter ‘ s approach can be daunting. Right now, as we all struggle with this ongoing pandemic, is seems almost unbearable.

#4 – Politics.

Today, Donald Trump was diagnosed with Covid-19. After six months of publicly denying it (and private confirming how dangerous it was) the President of the United States has this horrible disease and the world is upended.

Before this latest news, we have had 4 years of vitriol, hate and public displays that have dispirited us all. To name a few, in the past few years we have had the Kavanaugh hearings, which raised again the ugly specter of sexual abuse. Ruth Bader Ginsberg died suddenly, creating a constitutional crisis around the Supreme Court. Putin put a bounty on US soldier ‘ s heads and the administration did nothing about it. A foreign leader was encouraged to influence the presidential campaign. Families have been torn apart trying to come into our country. Science has been denied and our world is on fire.

And this is just a very small portion of what we have been dealing with since March 2020 and before.

Imagine if you were from another planet, looking down on those of us living in the US right now, can you imagine the empathy that you would have for us? For those of us, on both sides, who are angry and suffering and scared. For those of us who are afraid for the future of our children. How we are scared that our mothers and fathers will die alone.

If you are feeling off kilter and like your life is falling apart, know that even the strongest, most self-confident person is really struggling right now.

#5 – Too much of a usually good thing.

What is it that we all always wished for in our previous lives? What did we just not have enough of but so wished we did? What was thing that was passing before our eyes?

Time. We always wanted more time.

And now we have it. Lots and lots of time to sit around our homes, trying to stay busy, a little bit bored somedays. Lots and lots of time.

I know that for many people the time has been a good thing. I know couples who have grown closer because their busy lives no longer keep them apart. I know of families who have done things together that they hadn ‘ t done in years. I know that there is a lot of yummy bread and chocolate chip cookies that have been made and devoured. We have had time that we have never had before and it has been good.

The downside to all of that time, however, is that it allows our minds to run wild. The time that you used to spend riding the subway or going to the movies or having long boozy dinners with friends is now time often spent in our heads. Instead of running around, keeping ourselves busy, as is human nature, we are left alone with our thoughts.

The worst thing about our thoughts is that, more often than not, they only run negative tapes. I know that I do have some good memories that I like to play over in my head but more often than not I am thinking about that stupid thing I said in 3rd grade, about that time I chose badminton over track in junior high, about how I never appreciated one gift that my ex husband gave me, about how my depression affected my children.

And what do those negative thoughts do? They make me doubt myself and my abilities and my future in every way.

So, while more time has been a gift, recognize that that gift can also bring us to a place of self-doubt that might not exist if we weren ‘ t spending so much time not busy, alone with our thoughts.

If you are one of many of us who feel like your life is falling apart in month 6 of Covid, know that while it feels like it ‘ s all about you and your weaknesses, it ‘ s not!

The world around us feels like it is crashing and burning and even the most resilient of us are struggling to make it through.

Try to keep in mind, as you are struggling, that you are not a person who is weak or worthless or hasn ‘ t lived up to your own expectations. Instead, take stock of the person you are in the world, the people who love you, the good things that you have done, the things that you know you have to offer the world.

You might not be able to make big change right now but it ‘ s ok. Someday this will all be behind us and life will go on and you will get your stability back. And when you do, watch out world!

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