Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

/by

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

/by

It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are newly involved with a married man or thinking about becoming involved, read this blog.

So many people slip into affairs, not really aware of what will happen to them if and when they do. Women think that its all about love and passion and finding your soulmate but it is WAY more complicated than that.

One of the most surprising things that women feel when they are involved with a married man is that they feel emotions other than the love they feel at the beginning. And most of those emotions are not good ones – in fact, they could very well make any woman’s life a miserable place.

Read on – I know that it might be hard to read these things but they will help you move forward, informed at the very least.

#1 – Like you have found your soulmate.

When someone first gets involved with a married man, the overwhelming love and passion that they feel for this person is intense. More often than not, affairs grow out of friendship, a friendship that has been established and in which confidences have been shared. Even before anything physical happens there is usually intense connection that is strong enough that you would consider having an affair.

Let me tell you – you have not found your soulmate. Yes, you have a wonderful friend who you have developed feelings for and you might feel like he knows you better than anyone else. And those things might be true. But that doesn’t mean you are soul mates.

What it means is that you and this person are living in a bubble made of your own feelings. You aren’t living life together dealing with the day in day out stuff.  You just have time and each other and nothing else in the world. As a result, your connection feels deeper than you think it really is.

And, as time goes on, and your married man is increasingly unavailable to you, you will hold on to that soulmate feeling, believing that because of this, you must be together!

#2-  You will feel incredibly alone.

I know that this is hard to imagine but women who are having an affair with a married man find themselves incredibly lonely much of the time.

Why does this happen? Two reason.

The first is that your married man has a life outside of you. He has a wife who needs him at home, kids to help with homework and soccer games to watch. He will spend holidays with them. He might not be around for your birthday. He might say that you are his priority but he just can’t put you first!

The second is that many women who have affairs with married men put their friendships on the back burner. Perhaps its because they don’t want their friends to know what is going on. But, more likely, the reason they do so is because they want to be available in case their married man is. So, instead of making plans with friends, they hang around home, waiting for their affair partner to call.

#3 – You will feel deceived.

Let me guess – is your married man promising that he will leave his wife. Does he promise that he will be there for your birthday? Does he promise you time away together? Does he ask you to just be patient as he takes his baby steps? (I can’t tell you how many men use that term – baby steps! I have always wondered why.)

And, does he constantly let you down by not following up on those promises? I am guessing yes.

This is one of the most insidious things about having an affair is having someone who you think is your soulmate lie to you over and over and over. To have him promise that he will be there for you and then not show up. To promise that his marriage is over. To promise that you are the priority. To make you promises over and over that he just doesn’t keep.

I 100% believe that when your married man makes his promises truly believing that he will be able to keep them. He truly believes that his marriage is over and that you are his priority and that he will leave his wife soon. But the reality is is that leaving his wife means leaving his family and messing up his finances and losing friends. Leaving his wife is way more complicated than he might have thought it was.

And, at the same time, he is desperate not to lose you. After all, you are the person in his life who loves him and has sex with him and who will listen to all his tales of woe. He doesn’t want to lose you.

And so, he lies. Over and over. Truly believing that what he says his true but proving over and over it not to be so.

#4 – You will go to bed every night feeling hopeless.

Be honest with yourself, does some part of you know that your guy isn’t going to leave his wife?  You want to believe it to be true but you know that it isn’t. And yet, you stick around, hoping that you are wrong.

And, does living with this knowledge make you feel hopeless? Have the repeated lies and disappointments and sadness made you wonder if you will ever truly be happy again? Do you despair that you will be alone forever, waiting for your soulmate to take action.

Do you spend every moment of every day thinking about this? Obsessing about him and every little thing that he says and does, and doesn’t do? Is this exhausting? Do you go to bed at night feeling despair that the same thing will happen again tomorrow?

I am sorry to say this but if you have an affair with a married man, you are going to spend a ton of time feeling hopeless – obsessing about something that you know might not happen. And the hopelessness can easily lead to depression – or worse – which will only make you feel more hopeless.

#5 – The guilt you feel will be overwhelming.

Ok – you are having an affair with a married man – a man who has a wife and, perhaps, children at home. This is something that you truly thought you would never do and yet here you doing it.

Do you feel guilty about it? Perhaps not yet but you will!

You will feel guilty because you know that you are doing something to another woman. Sure, your AF might say that she is a complete bitch and treats him horribly, but the reality is is that she is his wife. (And, probably, not as much a bitch as he says she is) She is a woman who is being lied to and deceived and you are a part of it. Not such a great look for woman to woman solidarity.

Furthermore, you will feel guilty because you are letting yourself down.  You are doing things that you know goes against everything that you believe in. And that will make you feel horrible about yourself and the person you are in the world.

And, unfortunately, that guilt will never pass. Even if the relationship ends, knowing that you let down both another woman and yourself will stick with you indefinitely.

#6 – You will be full of resentment.

If you were in a relationship with someone who was completely available, who wasn’t married, would you put up with the lying and the broken promises? Or would you know that the person is not the right person for you and walk away? This is an important question to ask yourself.

For some reason, women who are dating married men excuse away all the lies and deceit.  They believe that if they just stick around long enough, their guy will eventually do everything that they promised and everyone will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, many women get increasingly resentful of the lies and the broken promises. Of the time that they have to spend alone while their partner is with their family. Of the lack of hope they have to ever be happy or truly loved.

And the person that they feel resentful of is their married guy. And they are left, feeling at the same time deeply in love and deeply resentful. Not healthy.

#7 – Your self-esteem will plummet.

I have a client who is struggling with his self-esteem. He felt like, if he could just start feeling better about himself, his life would be better, particularly his marriage.

When I started to ask him about himself what I learned was that, while he had had emotionally unavailable parents, he was very well educated, he felt like he had lived a full life and he loved his job. What he did not have is a wife who supported him. She felt like he didn’t hustle enough and didn’t make enough money and she constantly nagged him about it.

No wonder his self-esteem is low.

It is the same thing with women who are involved with married men – their self-esteem can be decimated. Months and years of allowing someone to lie to them, of allowing them to make promises and then break them, of not being made a priority, even if they are told that they are. All of these things can really mess with someone’s head – and self-worth.

I know that, one year into an affair with a married man, I was the shell of the person I was before I met him. I had always been self-confident and happy – one year later I was miserable and hating myself.

#8 – You will feel increasingly helpless.

This in one of the hardest things about being involved with a married man – you are completely not in control of the situation. Whatever your married man chooses to do, you must stand by and wait and watch and hope that things will be different. You have no control over whether he leaves his wife or whether he shows ups on your birthday. And, as long as things stay the same, you never will.

What I tell many of my clients is that, while they might feel helpless, they really aren’t. Yes, they can’t control whether or not their married man leaves his wife but they can control their own actions!

They can choose to not put up with the lying. They can choose to not hope that things will turn out differently this time. They can also, most of all, choose to walk away. To get away from this situation and move on and find love somewhere else. They can choose that.

I know that you might feel like you just can’t do this, and I get it. But you do have the control to do so, should you choose to use it.

#9 – You will be angry. Very angry.

When you think back to the beginning of your affair, were you floating in a dreamland, sure that you were finally going to be happy? As time has passed and there have been a thousand little cuts as he lies to you, are you still floating? I am guessing not.

I am guessing that what you might be feeling is anger. Sure, when he is there, you might float a bit, but I am sure that at least part of the time that you spend together involves you arguing about what he isn’t doing. And, when he leaves and goes back to your family, you are left sad and frustrated, feelings that, more often, turn into angry.

You will be angry with him for deceiving you. You will be mad at his wife for not letting him go.  You will be mad at his kids because they are the priority. And, mostly, you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it all.

No one wants to be angry – it uses up so much energy and leaves us feeling depleted. And, when anger is part of our everyday life, especially if it is bound with depression, it can really tear us apart.

So there you go, 9 emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you and your married man are different. That your love is so strong that none of these things will happen to you. And I wish that I could agree with you, but I just can’t.

In my 10 years as a life coach, there hasn’t been a single instance where a woman didn’t feel all these things. The married men will break their promises, the women will forgive them and the cycle will repeat itself over and over, leaving everyone broken and depleted.

So, think carefully if you are about to embark on an affair with a married man. I know it seems like romance and lust right now but that will change. I promise. If you are already suffering in an affair, just know that you CAN CHANGE THINGS. It is possible to walk away and be happy. Many, many, many women do it everyday!

You can too!

9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

/by

9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

I can’t tell you how often I see this – that a man says he doesn’t want a relationship but won’t let his girlfriend go. He breadcrumbs her and acts like a yo-yo and devastates every time.

I believe that, while the pain that one feels after a break up is horrible, the pain felt when someone breaks up with someone and still hangs around might be even worse. After all, the ex isn’t being allowed to get over the break up and move on and that is making it very difficult to deal with the pain and let it go.

What I can promise you, absolutely, is that the reason that he won’t let you go is NOT because he wants to be in a relationship with you – its something else entirely.

Perhaps if you understand why he won’t let you go, you might be able to be strong and walk away so that you can get your life back.

#1 – He needs his ego stroked.

If there is one thing that a man gets out of relationship its having his ego stroked. After all, he has found a girlfriend who loves him and takes care of him and has sex with him. A girlfriend he can parade around his boys and take home to his mother. Who wouldn’t love all those things?

The thing is, when a guy breaks up with someone, he no longer has someone there to stroke his ego. While he might be happier that he doesn’t have to do the things that he has to do in a relationship, he is definitely feeling the absence of not feeling loved and appreciated.

So, he reaches out to the most recent person who has done that. And, when you let him, when you stroke his ego when he comes back, then he will do it over and over again. That way, he can feel good again. And, the fact that you will stroke his ego even though he has broken up with you makes him feel even more powerful.

#2 – He misses being taken care of.

I have a client whose ex-boyfriend treats her terribly. He came home from work one night and told her that he wanted out and then left the next day. He gave her a few days and then he reached out again and asked if he could come over and visit the dog.

She was ecstatic. She cleaned the house and got all dressed up for him, thinking that maybe he wanted her back. And then what happened? He showed up with a pile of laundry and asked her to do it while he played with the dog. And she willingly did it because she loved taking care of him and thought that maybe if she did, he would love her again.

#3 – He is horny.

Oh – and – when my client’s ex boyfriend came over to play with the dog and have his laundry done, he also wanted to have sex with her, even though he had broken up with her just a few days earlier.

This is the #1 reason that men keep coming back to their ex-girlfriends even though they don’t want a relationship  – because of the sex. After all, if a man was in charge, he would have sex everyday. Not having a girlfriend gets in the way of that happening.

So, a man will come back, at least for a night, to have sex with his ex. Why doesn’t he get it elsewhere? Because with his ex-girlfriend he doesn’t have to work for it. He can just show up at her house, maybe even drunk after a night out with the boys, and she will be happy to accommodate.

Why? Because she is hoping that the reason he is there is because he knows that he really does want to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he doesn’t.

your boyfriend won't let you go

#4 -You keep reaching out to him.

Ugh – does this one resonate with you? Has he broken up with you but do you keep reaching out, hoping that he will change his mind? Perhaps because you miss him and just want to hear his voice or are looking for closure (which, BTW, is a myth).

This is something that is very common with my clients – that they are broken up with and they are determined to move on but they just can’t help reaching out to their ex, either texting or DMing or looking at their social media posts. Interestingly, the thing that most often brings people back together is a birthday or an anniversary – people feel compelled to reach out and they do and it starts the whole messy cycle all over again.

And, if you reach out, what is your guy going to do?  Come over and have you do his laundry and have sex with him. Things won’t work out differently and you will be devastated again.

#5 – He is lonely.

We all get lonely. If we didn’t then we wouldn’t go through the agony of dating sites and first dates and all the other things that come with finding love. And, for most people, loneliness is one of the scariest feelings that they can feel.

So, if a guy gets lonely he could fill the time with work or play or his friends or his family but, what will really scratch his loneliness itch, is going back to the person who makes him feel good about himself and will do all of the things that I have discussed so far.

And, because she is most likely lonely as well, she lets him come back.

Unfortunately, loneliness isn’t something that can be assuaged in one moment. We get the loneliness fix and we feel good for a while but then we go away and are alone and the feeling comes back, sometimes even worse. And so we reach out and the whole cycle happens over and over.

#6 – He is being wishy washy.

No one truly wants to break up. After all, we have been through the dating scene and found someone who fits us and we are hoping that this will be the one – that we will never have to go on another date. So, if feelings get lost and a break up must happen, it’s a very sad thing.

I know that for many of my clients, even though they know that breaking up with their person is the best thing that they can do, they hope that it will change. That if they just try, they will get their feelings back. So they return to their ex, over and over, hoping that things will change.

In my experience, this rarely happens. If a person has lost feelings, they don’t get them back unless something significant has changed. If someone has done their work or a situation that caused the break up has changed. Rarely does a man realize that he made a mistake and come back. And if that does happen, more often than not, the relationship will ultimately fail again.

So, if he yo-yos, making promises that he doesn’t keep, let him go. Don’t let him back in and make the break up even worse.

#7 – He doesn’t want to hurt you.

This is one of those things that I yell at my male clients about – that they don’t want to hurt their ex.

Of course, no one, especially men, wants to hurt someone, and a break up can be the worst pain of all, so they do whatever they can to not do it. And unfortunately, that often means dragging things out, hoping that maybe their girlfriend will break up with them and they won’t feel responsible for causing the pain.

And, to do so, they make their partner miserable. They gaslight them, making them think that there is something wrong with them. They give them crumbs of love hoping that their person will get sick of it and move on.

And, I tell my male clients, this only hurts their soon to be ex more. It’s like pulling off a bandaid slowly. While you don’t get that sudden burst of pain that comes with ripping one off, the prolonged effort of removing it will even more painful. Rip the Band Aid off, I tell my male clients. Unfortunately, its really, really hard for them to do so!

#8 – He is using you for something.

For many of my clients who have a guy coming and going, its because they are using them for something.

Sometimes its sex and love, as I have said before. But sometimes its something more tangible. Sometimes its something that they need to survive, like housing or money.

For many women in relationships, particularly ones where they feel like their guy is slipping away, they work hard to make their person feel comfortable. They lend them money or pay for things. Sometimes they let them stay with them without paying rent. They might even support their habits and hobbies, good or bad.

When a guy breaks up with someone, those things are gone and he might be left struggling. He has gotten used to being taken care of financially and the lack of money or housing is making his life more difficult. And so he returns, giving his ex just enough love to get her to give him some money or let him stay in the house.

I hope that this one is pretty obvious. That its not that your guy loves you that he is back – it’s because he needs you to be his sugar-mama.

#9 – You are letting him.

Ok, be honest with me. How easy are you making it for him to come and go?

When he reaches out, do you jump to doing whatever he wants, hoping things will be different? Do you act like you are cool with your more casual relationship? Do you pretend that you are satisfied with his bread crumbs, hoping that he will see how easy you are to be around and take you back?

I hate to say it but this is the number one reason that a guy won’t let someone go – because their person makes it easy for them.

So, its on you, girl. You are the only person who can stop this cycle and move on with your life. Only you!

So, there you go – 9 reasons your boyfriend won’t let eye go, even though he doesn’t want a relationship.

I know that what you are dealing with is painful – the ups and downs of feeling good when he is around and then devastated when he leaves again. You just aren’t recovering or moving on and its killing you.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.  You have it in you to let him go and move on with your life and find someone who can love you truly. They are out there. I promise!

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

/by

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

If you are like many women who are going through a break up, you probably don’t see how you could possibly move on without closure. Without having one more time to talk to your ex, to process what has happened so that you can move forward. And I get it.

But, let me tell you, closure is myth.

Closure is just another excuse to see and talk to your ex in the hopes that things might turn out differently this time. And closure won’t really give you any peace – it will just make things harder in the long run.

So, if you can skip closure, there are lots of other things that you can do if you want to survive a break up. Let me share some of them now.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a break up – to block your person. And it’s the number one thing that I just can’t get women to do! Women feel they are being rude, or unkind or that they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person.

And, of course, they are hoping that their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.

When men reach out after a break up, more often than not, it is not to get back together. Its because they are lonely or horny or feeling guilty but not because they want to get back together. So, while the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could very well mean nothing to him. All that will do is keep you attached to him, unable to heal.

And, I can promise you that, if a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you.

Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person to contact you is going to hold you back from surviving the break up. What happens is that you will go through this period of intense pain – there is nothing worse than break up pain. And then, the pain will start to fade and you will perhaps have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of that pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be left right where you started.

#2 – No stalking.

There are so many evils about social media and the biggest one is it being such a huge obstacle to surviving a break up.

Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. Perhaps they might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what, specifically, was happening in their lives. Yes, they had pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly that their ex had moved on.

Think about every time that you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex. Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know that they aren’t happy either? Are you doing it because you want to let them know that you are looking at them because you miss them? Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine that you get when you see them?

And, when you take that peek – what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.

Remember, NO ONE posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Men in particular don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keeping moving, even if they are in pain.

If you let him know that you miss him, you are only giving away your power as he will think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know that they have gotten on with their lives or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!

#3 – Take stock of the things that were off in the relationship.

When we break up with someone it is really easy to forget the bad stuff, all the stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We only remember the good times, all of the things that we did together that made us happy.

Unfortunately, by the time a break up happens, more likely than not, the relationship is comprised more of the bad stuff and not the good stuff, enough so that one person sees that the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.

I encourage you to take stock, in writing, of all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. I also encourage you to take stock of the things that your ex did to you that hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.

If you have a list of these things handy, when you are feeling nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.

#4 – Take accountability for your role in what happened.

When we are broken up with, its very easy to believe that everything that happened in the relationship is the other persons fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they just stopped caring. And I get that. But, the reality is is that there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear some responsibility for what happened.

If you are really honest with yourself you might see that there are things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the end of the relationship. Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt. Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping that they could guess what you needed. Perhaps you bent over backwards to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.

Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, it is important that you understand it. Doing so will make accepting the break up easier and also help you with a new relationship going forward.

survive a break up

#5 – Get up off the coach.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are sitting on your couch or in your bed, feeling sorry for yourself. You have spent the past period of time time reading blogs and looking at TikTok, trying to figure out what happened in your relationship, hoping it will make you feel better.

And I get it – I have been there!

But it is important that you not spend much more time indulging in your break up. That you stop looking for things that will justify your feelings or giving you confirmation that your ex is a narcissist. Instead, I encourage you to start looking up articles and videos that will help you move forward.

If you devote all of your energy to your break up and none of your energy to what is next, you will just get stuck in this place with no hope of getting through it and moving on.

So, spend a bit more time indulging in finding information that will justify the end of your relationship but, soon, get up off the couch, go for a walk with a friend and live a little. When its time to scroll again, look for things that will give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.

#6 – Spend time with those who love you.

Chance are that you are feeling pretty bad about yourself after your break up. After all, you have probably spent some unhappy time in a relationship that wasn’t working, time in which your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.

You are NOT unloveable. What you are is someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now that relationship is over.

What you can do now is spend time with people who love you – your friends and family. People who will remind you that you had a life before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with those people who might make you question yourself. They will only give you more fuel for feeling badly about yourself, something that is not the goal!

#7 – Don’t play the victim.

When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly, walking away from our 20 year marriage, leaving me heartbroken.

One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful, and she looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. That, yes, he might have instigated the divorce but that I had been unhappy for a long time. That I had pushed him away and that I had a role in what happened.

I was not happy at first but then, when I really thought about it, I recognized the value in it. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something that was out of my control then I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.

I wasn’t some victim whose life was going to end – I was a woman who was in a really rough patch but who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.

Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop doing so and move forward.

#8 – Put yourself back out there.

I am sure that the last thing that you want to do right now is to start dating again. And I get that. After all, you miss your person and you can’t picture ever being in another relationship.

But, what I am suggesting is that you put yourself out there to flirt and have fun, not to jump into another relationship that you aren’t ready for.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get back out there with your friends, doing the things that you like to do and the things that you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!

So, put yourself back out there into the world. Get up off the couch and start living again.

#9 – Seek help from someone other than your friends.

I know that I told you to spend time with those who love you and do do so! Friends are key to getting through a break up.

That being said, its important that you not rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Why? Because your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and whats next. They also have personal experience with break ups, experiences that they will seek to project on your break ups even if they shouldn’t. Furthermore, they might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.

I always say that, as a life coach, I am a friend without an agenda. Sure, I have had experiences in my life but I am not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, I will take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you, using my life coach training and the information that I have gained in my years of coaching, to help you get through your pain and start a new life.

I am not saying that you should not seek any love and support from your friends – do! But know that having an impartial person who can give you some perspective on the break up and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quicker.

So, there you are, 7 Pieces of Break Up Advice for Women that Don’t Include Getting Closure.

I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Just know that you will get through it. That you will be able to recover from this break up and move forward. After all, I am guessing that you have survived a break up before and you will do so again!

I promise!

9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

/by

9 Things that Make a Woman Vulnerable to Having an Affair

In my experience, very few people set out to have an affair. One way or another, they fall into one – often not even aware that they are doing so.

For both men and women, there are life circumstances that can make one vulnerable to having an affair, things that are important to understand before going into an affair. I know that, for me, I was just plain lonely and bored and when my affair partner came along, he added something to my life that was exciting.

So, let me share with you 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair so that you can understand what issues you might be dealing with that are leading you down this path.

#1 – Their lives are lonely.

I would say that there if there was a number one thing that would make a woman vulnerable to having an affair, or that would lead to someone doing something that isn’t otherwise good for them, its because they are lonely.

Human beings are meant to have relationships, both platonic and romantic. When they don’t have those connections, they can sometimes be desperate to find them. This is the case with many trolls online – they are lonely with their only connection being the internet. For many of them, they are just so unhappy they behave in ways that they might not otherwise have done so.

There are many reasons that someone is lonely. Perhaps it is emotional abandonment of a spouse. Perhaps it is because they spend too much time focused on work and friendships have fallen by the wayside. Perhaps they are shy and have a hard time making friends. Whatever the reason, loneliness can make a woman vulnerable to infidelity.

So ask yourself if you are lonely. If yes, what can you do to fix that loneliness outside of having an affair?

#2 – They are bored, bored, bored.

If you have kids, you know when it is that they are mostly likely to cause trouble – when they are bored. When they have nothing to do and are looking for a little excitement. When its not readily available, they can make wrong choices to cause some drama, and therefore excitement.

Its the same thing with adults – if we are bored we can get ourselves in trouble. Perhaps we snack too much because there is nothing else to do. Or watch too much TV. Or spend too much time scrolling. Whatever we do, to fill the boredom we do things that aren’t necessarily good for us.

A client of mine lost her husband to cancer. She had always been the stay at home parent and he was a huge part of her life. When he was gone, that space was empty. Instead of having him to care for, she had nothing but empty space. And that empty space she finally filled by having an affair with a married man.

She was no longer bored but she was unhappy. That is the topic for another blog!

vulnerable to having an affair

#3 – They are feeling depressed and hopeless.

Other than heartbreak, I think that the worst feeling in the world is being depressed. For those of you who struggle with depression, you know what I am talking about.

When we are depressed we have no hope for the future. We feeling horrible about ourselves and the world around us. We might act out, trying to make others unhappy. Or we might isolate, not being able to tolerate the presence of others.

When we are depressed, we will find virtually anything that we can to ease that depression.

I have a client who was struggling with depression in a big way. She felt alone and hopeless. And then one day she started talking to a man at work who was depressed as well. For the first time in a long time, she felt understood. This mutual confession joined my client and her male friend and, before they knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

So, consider if you might be depressed. If you are so, consider getting some professional support to help you through it instead of using the feel good chemicals that come from an affair to temporary ease your pain.

#4 – They are struggling with low self-esteem.

Anyone who is struggling with low self-esteem can really struggle to make good choices.

Someone who doesn’t feel good about themselves and have no faith in themselves. They feel like they are losers who no one will ever find attractive. They believe that they will be alone forever. They believe that they will never be happy because they are the kind of person no one would ever want to be with.

As a result, someone with low self-esteem would be very vulnerable to having an affair.

Imagine if you felt really bad about yourself – how you look and who you are in the world. And then along comes someone who wants to be with you. Who admires you and lets you know it. That feeling would be amazing – one that you would want as much of you can.

Unfortunately, while at the beginning having an affair might boost your self esteem, know that, as the affair goes on, your self-esteem will deflate again. Being involved with someone who you shouldn’t be involved with, and not being able to let go, will only make you feel horrible about yourself.

#5 – They seek revenge for past wrongs.

This is not a common reason why women have affairs but it does happen.

Women can sometimes have affairs because they want to get revenge for something that has been done unto them.

I have a client whose husband fooled around on her, many times. She knew about the affairs and they devastated her but she was never able to find the courage to face him about it. When she was given the opportunity to have an affair, she leapt at it. After all, if he could do it, she could too. She hoped that she would cause him more pain then he had caused her.

Women can also be vulnerable to having an affair with the spouse of a woman who had wronged them. Again, in my experience, this is not common but it does happen. If someone feels betrayed by someone, if given the option to make that person hurt as much as they do, they just might jump at it.

Unfortunately, while having an affair might feel like you are getting revenge on someone, ultimately, you are only hurting yourself.

#6 – They want to feel noticed and admired.

For many women, they just want to feel admired. To be told that they are beautiful, smart, kind, funny etc. And, for many women, especially ones who are married, they don’t feel admired – they might even feel completely ignored.

Marriage and relationships often lead to complacency – to people no longer making the effort to make their person feel loved and admired. A partner might believe that they don’t need to tell their partner how they feel because they believe their person knows. Or perhaps they just don’t feel the admiration any longer because of lots of unresolved issues. Either way, if someone does not feel admired by someone they once loved, it would make them vulnerable to seeking out someone who does admire them.

And, of course, many women who are single also feel like they aren’t admired. They aren’t appreciated for who they are in the world. And this lack of recognition can lead to the low self esteem I mentioned above, making them vulnerable to having an affair with a married man.

So, consider whether you are feeling ignored. If yes, this new admiration that you are currently on the receiving end of might lead you to down the path to infidelity.

#7 – They have experienced trauma.

For many of us, dealing with trauma is something that we have little experience in. Therefore, when we experience a tragedy, we often have no idea how to deal with it.

And trauma comes in all different shapes and sizes. It can be the death of a parent. It can be losing a dream job. It can be a divorce. Or the loss of a pet.

Whatever the reason, trauma can really shake up ones life and getting through it can be very difficult.

I had a client who was taking care of her mother as she slowly died from cancer. She was consumed with taking care of her mother, watching her suffer. The feelings that she were feeling were completely overwhelming.

When the parent of one of her son’s school friends reached out to her because he had experienced the same thing, she immediately connected with him. Not only did he understand what she was going through, he was proof that you could come out the other side of grief intact.

She spent more and more time with him, getting the emotional support that she needed to manage her mom’s cancer and, before she knew it, they were in love and having an affair.

Unfortunately, while the affair for a while helped ease her pain, with time, it only made things worse.

#8 – They have been abandoned emotionally.

I often say that its easier to be single and not getting love than being married and being emotionally abandoned. After all, there is someone right in front of them who should be filling their emotional needs and they are just failing to do so.

And, particularly for women, not having our emotional needs met can make us off kilter in a big way. We seek emotional connection wherever we can, just wanted to feel something from someone else.

What could be the best place to access this kind of emotional connection? Perhaps someone else who is feeling the same way – no longer loved by their partner. When two people who have been emotionally abandoned meet, they can see and feel, for the first time in a long time, what it feels like to be loved.

And that, I am afraid, is intoxicating.

#9 – They are horny.

Sex might seem, especially to someone who has never had an affair, as the reason why affairs happen. After all, this is how society tends to frame infidelity – all about the illicit sex.

That being said, in my experience, very few of my clients have an affair because they are seeking sex. More often, they are vulnerable for all the reasons that I listed above and, when they find that support dealing with these issues, the get support and they develop feelings.

And, for many people, they might develop feelings for this person but they firmly believe that they will never have sex with them. And then, because they get so connected to this person, they find themselves being intimate with them.

So, just wanting sex can definitely be something that makes a woman vulnerable to having an affair but, in my experience, it is more often a motivating factor for men instead of women.

So, there you go – 9 things that make a woman vulnerable to having an affair.

Of course, all women who are dealing with these issues won’t fall into having an affair. They will either live with them or seek help to deal with them, hopefully finding some peace in their lives. But, many women who are struggling with feeing generally bad about themselves and their place in the world are the kind of women who might seek solace somewhere, often finding it somewhere that, ultimately, might only make things worse!

 

7 Things to Do if You Want Your Long Distance Relationship to Succeed

/by

7 Things to Do if You Want Your Long Distance Relationship to Succeed

Keeping relationships happy and strong takes a lot of work. Trying to do that from far away is even harder. I know that when I was living in New York City and dating someone in New Hampshire, even though were really into each other, it was a ton of work – work that we were willing to do but it was hard nonetheless.

I have had a number of clients over the years who have been in long distance relationships that thrived and I have learned a number of tricks that can help a long distance relationship to succeed.

Let me share them with you now!

#1 – Make sure both of you are committed to making it work.

Before I even begin a list of the things that are necessary to make a long distance relationship work, its important that I make this one very clear! If both of you aren’t fully committed to making the relationship work, it won’t succeed.

In every relationship, it is key that both parties are 100% in. Many people believe that, even if their partner isn’t all in, if they really want to make this happen, they can do so on their own. Unfortunately it doesn’t work this way.

For any relationship to work, both parties need to be all in, to have no reservation that making an effort for it to succeed. Of course, there are no guarantees but having both sides willing to make an effort is the key to giving it a good chance.

#2 – Make sure each of you gives equal effort.

This is a common mistake for couples trying to make a long distance relationship work – that one person makes all of the effort to get together.

There are so many logistics of making a long distance relationship work – finding time to get together, figuring out where to get together, setting up phone calls and Facetimes, making an effort to stay involved in the ins and outs of each others lives. And, to make a relationship work it is worth the effort but if one person is doing all of that work, things could get messy.

Are you doing the majority of the work to keep the relationship strong? Perhaps you even enjoy being the one who sets up everything? I appreciate that but it is essential that your partner make some effort to.

This might be a weird comparison but it works. When I offer life coaching clients a discount, I never offer to coach them for free? Why, because if they don’t have some skin in the game, they are less likely to be emotionally involved and the coaching fails. Not because they don’t want to make change but if something comes easy, it doesn’t have as much value.

The same with making an effort to keep a long distance relationship strong – each side much invest some time and make an effort, owning their share of maintenance of the relationship.

long distance relationship to succeed

#3 – Don’t lose you own life waiting by the phone.

Many of my clients who are in long distance relationships, particularly those who are in relationship with a married person, find that they are forfeiting their own lives while working on the long distance relationship.

Instead of living their lives between visits, they organize their time so that they are always available for their partner. They want to be there if their partner calls or wants to see them or has something to share about their day.  Over time, this can erode the quality of one’s life, and, as a result, make the person more reliant on their partner for their happiness.

If you are in a long distance relationship, I encourage you to take the time that is available to you to truly live your life. To spend time with your friends and family, to do the things that you have always wanted to do, have fun.

After all, one of the good things about being in a long distance relationship is that you have time to yourself – always a plus when tied down to another person.

#4 – Always be honest with each other.

Honesty is the key to every healthy relationship – without it, a relationship will most likely fail. This is even more the case when the relationship is long distance. Any kind of untruth can shut it down.

This is particularly the case with little “harmless” white lies, lies that seemingly don’t cause any pain or damage.

Unfortunately, white lies are not harmless – they can at times be more insidious.

People tell white lies to protect their persons feelings. They tell white lies to prevent drama. They tell white lies out of fear. They tell white lies because they don’t want to hurt their person.

And while all of these things seem harmless, they aren’t. Why? Because they are LIES and all lies, even little ones, if you get caught in the can cause permanent damage, especially for a long distance one.

If there isn’t 100% truth in a relationship, it will be hard for it to succeed – after all, when you are so far away from each other, maintaining trust is the key to maintaining connection.

#5 – Talk about the future.

It is essential that, if you want your long distance relationship to succeed, you talk about the future. That you can picture the two of you, together, in the long run.

Many long distance relationships are open ended. One person is in one place and the other is somewhere else and there is no specific plan for how to close that distance in the near or distant future. As a result, the relationship just chugs along with no growth, often to the point that it becomes to so disconnected that it fails.

Of course, many people are fine with the distance and see no reason to change things. And if that works for them, great. But if you find that you are struggling with the health of your relationship, consider if any of it is because you don’t know what the future holds. If this is the case, its important that you talk to your partner about it ASAP!

#6 – Don’t let too much time pass between visits.

No matter how much someone says that they are ok in a long distance relationship, it is still important that they spend as much time in their partners presence as possible.

Talking on the phone and doing video calls are all certainly fine. They will keep you connected to each others daily lives. And that is good. BUT, its also important that you have physical closeness as often as possible. Being in each others presence is the key to a successful long distance relationship.

People need to have physical closeness with their partner. They need to maintain their physical connection. If they don’t so, the relationship can falter. Its much like people who online date. If they only text or talk with a new person, instead of getting together, chances are that the connection will die out from lack of physical nearness.

So, make an effort to spend as much time as you can with your significant other.  You don’t have to be having sex – although that is fun – but just sitting next to each other on a bench in the airport is an excellent thing to do to keep your relationship strong!

#7 – Be realistic.

This is a key part of having your long distance relationship succeed – if its meant to.

Long distance relationships are hard – really hard. And plenty of people make them work but plenty of people don’t. And its important that you not lose sight of that.

Sometimes, people sense that their relationship is faltering and, because they don’t want it to end, they push hard to keep it together. They try to talk more, visit each other more often, talk about the future but sometimes those things just don’t work. The challenge of being too far apart from each other can be overwhelming. Which, while sad, is okay.

There is nothing worse than wasting time in a relationship that doesn’t have a future. Unfortunately, many people hold on to them way past their expiration date, hoping to get things back to the way that they were at the beginning, when things were fun. As a result, precious time is lost that could be spent finding the right person. This doesn’t just happen in long distance relationships – nor in local ones too.

So, pay attention to your relationship status. If you are reading this article because yours is struggling, know that it is possible that it just isn’t meant to be. I am not saying to give up now, just to be aware that all of your efforts might be for naught in the end.

So, there you go, 7 things to do if you want your relationship to succeed.

Good for you for learning as much as you can about how to make a long distance relationship work. If you are doing this as you get into one and do not yet have any issues, well done. Learning the best practices to make it work is the best thing that you can do. That being said, if you are here because you have issues, have faith! Information and awareness is key to the success of any relationship, near or far.

You can do this!

7 Ways to Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

/by

7 Ways to Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

One of the most important part of any relationship, and the one most often neglected, is communication.

And its not just in romantic relationships. Communication is important with people we work with, our extended family, the person making our coffee. Without communication, people are left frustrated and feeling helpless.

Understanding ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage is an essential component in keeping your marriage strong and loving.

#1 – Make talking a priority.

As marriage goes on, sitting down with your partner and really talking can fall to the wayside. Sure, we talk on the fly, maybe as we run out the door or get ready for bed or over the kids’ heads at dinner. But sitting down, looking at each other eye to eye, the way we used to, is something that often falls by the wayside. And it shouldn’t.

I remember one of the best summers in the middle of my marriage was the summer that my husband and I had a drink together every night after work. Usually, we would come home and we would hit the road running with dinner and homework. Or he would head out for a run and I would make dinner. Or whatever. We never just sat down and caught up.

That summer, we unwittingly took up the habit of having a glass of rum before we dug into the after-work phase. And it was wonderful.

We talked about work and the kids and politics and whatever. It wasn’t “meaningful” stuff that we talked about – but it was meaningful in that we were sitting there, focused on each other. It was like it used to be when we were first dating. We were really getting to know each other again.

So make an effort to really talk to each other – not on the fly, while multi tasking.

#2 – Don’t not say what you need to say.

So many people think that the best thing that they can do to keep their marriage strong is to swallow their words. To not say what they need to say. To not share how they are feeling.

For many of us, we learned this from our parents – that not expressing our feelings is the key to keeping drama in the household to a minimum. Our parents worked hard to do so so it is all that we know.  (And, I am guessing, many of our parents are now divorced.)

But, it is important that we don’t do this. That we don’t swallow our words and stuff our emotions down into our body. That, instead of working hard to avoid drama, we recognize that we have something to say and that we say it.

Do you find that you hold back your words so as not to make a fuss? Are you afraid that if you speak up, your words will be met with anger or frustration? Do you think that if you just let something go, it would be better?

If the answer to any of those questions are yes, I would encourage you to try something different in an effort to keep your marriage strong.

#3 – Express your emotions.

I can’t tell you how many times I ask a client if they tell their spouse they love them they respond “I don’t need to tell them, they already know.” And I always tell them that they are categorically wrong.

Because marriages are long, we tend to start taking our spouse for granted. After all, they are there always and you are a team and who has time for mushy stuff and sometimes we just don’t feel it, for whatever reason.

But, it’s important to tell your spouse that you love them. That they are beautiful. That you appreciate all that they do for you. Whatever it is that you are feeling in the moment.

Of course, you can also express anger if you are feeling it. The key is doing so in a way that is productive not destructive. To share how you are feeling without attacking them.

How do you do expressing your emotions? If you feel like you haven’t been telling your spouse how you feel about them enough, stand up and do so now. You would make them feel great! Wouldn’t you like it if they did the same to you?

#4 – Never tell a lie, even a white one.

This is a tough one, I know.

After all, everyone tells little white lies. Lies that they think will keep someone from feeling pain. Lies about something that they don’t deem important enough to share. Lies that might protect us from being attacked. White lies that are coping systems which, unfortunately, are not great ones.

Knowing that you can trust your spouse 100% is the key to building emotional connection in your marriage. Knowing that, no matter what, you can trust your spouse to tell you the truth when necessary. Being firm in that knowledge gives a marriage a very strong foundation on which it can rest.

Any lie, even white ones, can erode that foundation. If you ever get caught in one, it will only serve to take a chink out of the concrete foundation of your marriage. After all, if you are going to lie about one thing, how can your spouse have faith that you won’t lie about something else.

So, I encourage my clients that one of the best ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage is to stop lying – even those pesky lies of omission where you don’t necessarily lie but you also aren’t 100% honest.

It might be hard to stop this behavior but if you can, you will be thankful that you did!

Use Communication to Build Emotional Connection in Your Marriage

#5 – Don’t talk badly about them to your friends.

This is an interesting one – the importance of not cutting down your partner behind their backs. This is something that many of us lose sight of in marriage, if it was even something that we recognized before.

After all, this is what we do. We use our friends to share our frustrations. To help us process what is going on. To give us advice about steps to take. For women especially, without our friends, what would we do?

And I get this. 100%. But there is a difference between looking for support and talking shit about our husbands.

I know that when I was married, I was the queen of speaking badly about my husband. I was very unhappy in the marriage and talking shit about him made me feel somewhat better. That being said, the person who I presented to my friends was not the person he always was – just the person he was when he was making me unhappy. As a result, my friends didn’t like him and definitely didn’t support me in my efforts to change things in my marriage.

When he ultimately left me, none of them were surprised. None of them expected our marriage to last because of everything that I had been saying for years. The only one who was blind sided by the end of the marriage was me.

#6 – Never attack them personally.

While I might have spoken badly about my husband, I never once attacked him personally.

While I would treat him with contempt or ignore him or yell at him, I never called him an asshole. I never said “fuck you.” I never denigrated who he was as a person. While I might have expressed my anger and frustration, I never attacked the person he was. Why? Because I knew that, no matter how much he drove me nuts, he was a good person. He wasn’t an asshole – he was just a frustrating partner.

The reason that it’s important to never attack someone personally is because, if you do, you can never take it back. Even if you and your spouse make up after whatever conflict you were going through, they will never forget your assault on their character. It will always linger at the back of their minds, wondering if that is what you really think of them. And that feeling can fester and manifest itself in many ways, none of them good for your marriage.

So, no matter how angry you get, don’t attack your spouse’s character. After all, this is the person you married, perhaps a parent to your children. Treat them as you would like to be treated and keep your marriage on track.

#7 – Talk about the future, and the past.

One of the funnest communication exercises for couples is to talk about the future, and about the past.

I have been with my husband for 8 years now and I still love to talk about how we met and fell in love. Talking about the things that we did and how much fun we had. It was a magical time and re-living it is really special. And it reminds us of the reasons that we fell in love, which is important during times when we aren’t feeling very connected.

We also, in spite of 8 years together, spend a lot of time talking about the future, about what we are going to do together, and separately. Its fun to do – even as we are in middle age – to talk about what is next for us. Its never too late to have dreams for the future – literally never – and talking about ours keeps us very connected.

Do you and your spouse ever talk about the beginning of your relationship? Do you guys talk about tomorrow, next week or next year? Try it – its a lot of fun!

So there you go – 7 excellent ways to use communication to build emotional connection in your marriage.

I know, these things might seem overwhelming, especially if communication has not been a strength in your marriage. But you can do it.

At the very least, try to do just one of the things that I have listed, or stop doing one, whichever is appropriate. But try to make some sort of shift in the communication in your marriage and keep it healthy and strong.

7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

/by

7 Warning Signs that the Power Dynamic in Your Marriage is Off

All relationships have a balance of control to some degree – the parent/child, the teacher/student, the boss/employee, etc. In those relationships, there is one primary and one secondary member of the relationship, as dictated by the situation. In a marriage, there is also a power dynamic at play and, ideally, that dynamic includes a balance of control that is even.

Unfortunately, this is not always the case. Of course, sometimes the balance of control can shift slightly, depending on the circumstances, like the mom is in charge of getting the little league uniforms but the dad is in charge of getting the kids to practice. And this is okay. What is not okay is when the power dynamic is off to the extent that one person is always in charge, with the other always being secondary.

Sadly, when we are in the middle of the chaos of a marriage, it can sometimes be hard to recognize if the power dynamic is off.

Let me share with you now the signs that the power dynamic in your marriage might be off so that you can figure out the next steps to take.

#1 – You let your partner make all the decisions.

This is the most common thing that shifts the power dynamic in a marriage – having one person be in charge of everything.

In some cases, the person with the control is the wife/mother. This happens over a course of time as a family tries to keep all of the balls in the air – school, work, sports, extended family, etc. Usually, the woman takes responsibility for planning and executing just because multi-tasking is a skill that many women have. So they take over and everything that happens is their call.

In some cases, its the man husband/father who has all of the control in a marriage. This can happen for a variety of reasons. A woman might be accustomed to having a man in charge if that is the model she had growing up. In some religions, the man is the head of the household, period. In some cases, there can be an emotional/physical abuse dynamic that leads the woman to give away all control to her husband.

Whether its the husband or wife, if one person in the relationship is responsible for the lion’s share of their life, the balance of control is off.

#2 – You keep your head down to avoid drama.

Are you one of those people who never speaks up because you don’t want to cause a fuss? Do you have thoughts or opinions but not share them because you are afraid that you will be on the receiving end of some kind of negative reaction if you do? Would you rather just go along to keep the peace and avoid drama?

If the answer is yes, you are not alone! Many people, particularly men, in marriages just want to keep the peace and they swallow their words and feelings. Marriage is long and hard and there can be a lot of issues that come up. When they do, the idea of having to deal with them again can be just too much for one spouse to deal with. So, they keep their mouths shut and grin and bear it

And, while I can understand the idea of preventing drama, repeatedly not speaking up for yourself out of fear of some kind of reprisal, big or small, is not, in the long run healthy.

Over time, not speaking up for yourself in your relationship will only cause resentment on your part and, perhaps, a sense of contempt from your spouse. You can be sure that, if you never proffer an opinion, your spouse will notice and, over time, they might see this as a sign of weakness – something that can hard to respect in a marriage.

So, while I know that you want to avoid drama, I encourage you to speak up, at least some of the time, in spite of whatever the end result might be. For the sake of your own self-esteem and to maintain the respect of your partner.

#3 – You spend more time with their extended family than yours.

This is always an interesting one – that people spend more time with one extended family than they do the other.

Of course, this could be a convenience thing. Perhaps your family lives closer or the kids are the same age or your schedules align. And that makes sense. But, what if that isn’t the issue, if convenience isn’t the reason that you spend more time with your spouse’s family than with yours.

In many marriages where the power dynamic is off, one spouse insists that more time is spent with their extended family than the other. I know that when I was growing up, we spent way more time with my mom’s family than with my dad’s. I am guessing part of that was because my dad wasn’t really attached to seeing his family but it happened primarily because my mom didn’t like my dad’s mom and insisted that we spend as little time with them as possible. As a result, holidays were spent my my mom’s family and we rarely saw my dad’s! To this day, we know my mom’s family way more than my dad’s.

I know now that, in order to keep the peace (see #2) my dad was willing to give in to my mom’s control in this instance. Their marriage, I am sure you aren’t surprised, didn’t last.

#4 – You only have sex with them because they want to.

This is a big one that happens in marriages where the power dynamic is off – one spouse only has sex with the other not because they want to but because they know that their spouse does.

I have seen this from both sides of the equation. Women who have little or no interest in having sex and yet who have sex with their husbands every week because they know that their husband expects it. Its easier to do so then to deal with any crabbiness or whatever that might arise.

It can happen with husbands too – they just don’t want to be physically intimate in any way, for whatever reason. The man, because his wife brings it up all the time, ultimately gives in to make her happy but doesn’t do it because he is interested.

In both of these cases, when married couples have sex for any other reason than because they want to, the power dynamic is definitely off and this is something that should be addressed.

power dynamic is off in your marriage

#5 – Your kids only listen to you.

I know that when I was married, I was the one my kids always came to when they needed something. Whether it was a cookie or a ride to town or help on homework or help processing an issue, they always came to me. I was the one they could count on to react in a way that was a positive – to mostly get what they wanted/needed with a minimum of fuss. They did go to their father but, because he was often absent and sometimes crabby, they tended to bypass him.

And I was fine with this. If they came to me I could be in control of the outcome and knew that the kids wouldn’t be disappointed by a bad reaction from their father.

And, while this worked for us for a while, in the long term, it only caused anger and resentment on both sides.

For me, I didn’t want to be the one my kids always turned to – it was exhausting. And my husband resented that I was their first choice – which, sadly, led to the kids going to him even less. This mutual resentment built up over time until it was huge factor in the end of our marriage.

#6 – You have to hide things from your spouse.

I just rewatched “Crazy Rich Asians” (fun movie if you haven’t seen it). In the movie, the wife has family money and she is used to nice things. Because she wants those nice things, things that her husband can not afford, she has to hide the things that she buys because she knows that he would be resentful of her and the fact that she has to do so. Ultimately, he cheated on her to make himself feel more like a man and she left.

Hiding things in any marriage can be toxic. Whether its hiding spending or activities or friendships from your partner, hiding anything indicates that there is an off-balance power dynamic. In a marriage with a healthy power dynamic, both spouse would feel safe sharing everything. They would know that their partner would understand their actions and that, if they didn’t, there could be a conversation about it.

If a spouse has any kind of fear that their habits or actions would not be well received, enough so that they have to hide it, this is an indication that the balance of power is off, something that will only lead to a lack of trust and accountability in the long run.

#7 – You have to account for every little thing.

If you are in a marriage where you have to account for every little things that you do, your power dynamic is definitely off.

Perhaps you have to account for where you spend your time. Perhaps you have to account for who you spend your time with. Perhaps you have to account for every penny you spend. Perhaps you have to account for why you have gained or lost weight. Anything and everything.

And this is not okay. Of course, everyone has some accountability to their spouse. We want to share in their lives and want to be able to trust them. Therefore, being open and honest is an important part of healthy relationships.

BUT – if one person insists on knowing every detail of their spouse’s life, this is not okay. When someone asks their partner to account for every little thing, there are most likely serious trust issues involved. Perhaps its because of something that has happened in the past, either in this relationship or in another. Perhaps its because someone feels the need to control another person, for whatever reason. Or perhaps its because there is just an inherent lack of trust between both parties.

For whatever reason, if one person must always be accountable to the other for every little thing, this is a power dynamic that is uneven and something that needs to be addressed.

It can be very hard to recognize the warning signs that the power dynamic is off in a marriage.

Power dynamics can change very slowly, over the course of a marriage, so slowly that one (or both) spouses don’t even realize that it is happening. All that they know is that they aren’t happy but they aren’t clear on the reason.

For any relationship to be a happy one there must, more often than not, be an equal power dynamic. This equal power dynamic will ensure that the love, trust and respect that is important in every relationship stays intact and the marriage remains healthy.

So check and see how your marriage stacks up to my list. If the power dynamic is off, in either direction, it’s time to take next steps, to figure out how to fix it before its too late!

You can do it!

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

/by

9 Consequences of Dating a Married Man that One Would Never Guess Going In

When women enter into affairs with married men, they go in being overwhelmed with lust and love and believing that they have finally found their soul mate. Being with this man, even though he is married, is worth any risk.

And I get it. I have been there. But, let me tell you, as the affair drags on, that lust and love will fall to the wayside and other emotions will take over. And these emotions are not good.

Perhaps understanding the consequences of dating a married man before you start doing so will help you not enter into the affair in the first place and save you a whole lot of heartache.

To that end, here are 9 consequences of dating a married man for you to consider before you take next steps.

#1 – You will get addicted to the relationship and be unable to let go.

So many of my clients tell me that when they started their affair with a married man, they were determined to only get intimate once. They had fallen in love with their person over a period of time and with that love came attraction. They felt like feeling their emotions was ok but that having sex would be over the line. So, as the attraction built, they told themselves that they could get some release if they just had sex one time.

Yeah, right. I am afraid that it doesn’t work that way.

On the most basic level, when a woman has sex with someone she, more often than not, becomes more attached to that person. It doesn’t work this way for men but for women it does. So, when my clients have sex with their married man, they got more attached, not less.

And, as the relationship goes on, they could only focus on getting both that love and the affection. It became like an addiction. The feel-good chemical, dopamine, that was released every time they were together was something that they felt like they couldn’t live without. They developed a physical need to be with their person, no matter the consequences, all the time. When they didn’t get them, they sunk into a depression until the next time.

If you found yourself addicted to a drug or alcohol, it would be clear to see and perhaps you could get help. With a relationship with a married man, the addiction is harder to spot and therefore more insidious.

#2 – You will lose touch with who you are as a person.

When I was having an affair with a married man, I totally lost myself.

Before I started up with him, I was a woman in a great place in my life. I had recently moved to NYC, my coaching business was ramping up and I felt really strong and healthy. And then, the man who I had been in unrequited love with in college appeared on my doorstep and that was that for me. I put myself to the side and embarked on what promised to be the love affair of all love affairs.

Unfortunately, it didn’t work out that way.

As the affair continued, I started to lose sight of everything that was good about me. I was no longer the single girl living my best life in NYC and I was now the pathetic other woman who waited around for a man to give her some time.

After a year of this, I found that I had become a shell of the person who I was when I fell in love with my married man. That person who had felt so good about her place in the world was gone.

dating a married man

#3 – You will put your own life on hold.

One of the worst part of being involved with a married man is that your time no longer becomes your own. Because your married man has a wife and a family and a whole other life, they will not be available to you at regular intervals. As a result, you will spend a ton of time alone, waiting for your man to become available. Time that you would have spent out there living your life will be spent waiting by the phone for your man to call.

Furthermore, the longer that you are involved with a married man, the less likely it will be that you can find someone else to love you, someone who is available and ready to build a relationship with you. Many women who are having affairs with married men try to date on the side, trying to get away from their married man. Let me tell you – it never works! As long as your energy is focused on your married man, you will never meet someone else.

Life is short. Wasting even a minute of it on someone who can’t give you the best life and who can’t make you a priority will only hold you back from living yours.

#4 – You could damage your relationship with your friends.

For many of my clients, when they are having a relationship with a married man they sometimes lose their friendships.

This happens for many reasons. They lose them because their friends don’t approve of what the affair or, worse, because the friends know that something is being kept from them if they aren’t told about what is going on. Or, they have to spend a ton of time processing the affair, giving out advice that is ignored. Or, they no longer get time with their friends because they are waiting around for their lover to have time for them.

Losing friends because of an affair is bad for many reasons. You are letting go of people you were with you when you weren’t with this guy, that person your friends loved. Not having friends who will spend time with you will only isolate you further. And, when you finally decide to let go of your married man (which you hopefully will), you will have no friends to help you get through it.

Take a look around at your friends – are they worth sacrificing for some guy?

#5 – You will destroy your self-esteem.

Imagine spending the next period of time not being your man’s priority. Being the person who gets left alone on Christmases and your birthday. Who can’t travel because you want to be available for your lover. Who knows that there are many reasons why he won’t be there when you need him.

And, imagine being on the receiving end of promises that your man will leave his wife. Or that you are the love of his life and that he could never love his wife again. Or that he will be there when you need him. Being repeatedly made promises to that are broken.

If you are in a relationship where you are lied to and let down, its hard for it not to wreck your self esteem. After all, you are repeatedly treated like you aren’t a priority, like you are second choice to a man who loves you.

And, the more your self esteem gets damaged, the less likely you are to see that you deserve more than a half-assed relationship with a guy who truly isn’t available.

#6 – Your will no longer be able to trust any man.

One of the worst parts of being involved with a married man is the lies. The lies that he will be there when you need him; that he will leave his wife; that you will live happily ever after.

Now, I truly believe that many married men believe their promises, that they really will be able to put their lover first and leave their wives, but they NEVER do. I don’t know a single married man who has left his wife and lived happily ever after with his lover.

For a woman, being lied to over and over by someone who says they love them will ultimately scar them enough that the idea of ever trusting another man will be untenable. After all, if your lover can do this over and over, why can’t any other man?

#7 – You will become obsessed with him and the situation.

As I have said above, when you are in a relationship with a married man, you will lose yourself. Your self-esteem will be damaged. You might even lose your friends. And the primary reason for this is because you will become obsessed with the relationship and the idea that he won’t leave his wife.

Without exception, my clients who are having affairs with married men spend every minute of their day thinking about him and the situation. They think about when they will see them. What they will wear when they do. They wonder if their married man will have to change his plans. What if he can’t stay as long as he said he would?

Furthermore, my clients wonder why their married man won’t follow through on his promises – to leave his wife and to be with them. They think about it constantly and a significant part of the time they spend with their person is spent discussing just this topic – why he won’t leave.

My clients try to talk their partner into the reasons they should leave. They ask for details of every minute that their partner spend with their wives. They cry and scream and promise to leave, all in the vain attempt to settle the situation and ease their pain.

And, unfortunately, the obsession will never stop because your married man will never leave his wife, no matter what he promises. Leaving his wife means leaving his family and damaging his finances and that he will never do!

#8 – You will vitality will be sapped.

Think about how you take care of yourself when you aren’t feeling well. When you are depressed or angry or frustrated or whatever. Ideally, when you are feeling that way, you get outside and exercise, to work off your feelings.

Unfortunately, what happens more often is that women don’t take care of themselves when they are feeling some way. They take to the couch with ice cream or they stay up all night watching “Love is Blind.” They stop sleeping and stop eating well and their mental and physical health slowly falls apart.

When someone is feeling unhealthy and not good about themselves, it is impossible to make a good decision about anything.  Having low self esteem and having difficulty thinking clearly only leads someone to continue to make bad decisions or to not make any decisions at all. As a result, they stay stuck in a situation, namely their affair, that is killing them.

#9 – You will not live happily ever after.

I know. I know.  You are probably thinking that none of the things above will apply to you and your lover. After all, your love is one for the ages and nothing is going to get in the way of the two of you being together. Your man worships you and will take the steps that he needs to take to keep his promises and make you happy.

Unfortunately, it rarely, if ever, works out that way – and not because he doesn’t love you and you don’t have a good connection.

It happens because your lover is weak and just won’t be able to leave his wife and his family.

As I said above, a man might want to leave his wife because he is unhappy with her but he doesn’t want to leave his children. He doesn’t want to risk a healthy relationship with his kids. He doesn’t want to mess up the finances he has spent his adult life building. He doesn’t want to have to abandon the social life that he and his wife have created together.

And so, in spite of his promises and good intentions, your married man just won’t leave. I am sorry but it is true.

So there you go, 9 surprising consequences that will happen if you are dating a married man.

Again, most of my clients don’t believe when I share with them what I have learned over the years from working with hundreds of clients in the same situation. They truly believe that their relationship is different and that it will work out.

But, sooner than later, they see that I am correct. That they are miserable and that, even though they might hold out hope, their affair is not going to end the way that they hoped it would.

Again, your lover might love you – and I am sure he does – but being in affair will ensure that you no longer love yourself. This, I am afraid, will cause more destruction then you ever could image right now as you read this article, madly in love, thinking about having an affair.

9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

/by

9 Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage That Might Surprise You

Marriage is long and hard and, for many men, it is very different than what they thought it would be.

When we get married, we are feeling madly in love with our person and sure that we will live happily ever after. We feel seen, heard, respected and loved. And then marriage happens. Time goes on and people start taking each other for granted. Kids come along and they make being a couple more complicated. A thousand little cuts make the relationship seem like it is on shaky ground.

While both members of a marriage can feel disheartened by what has happened, men are particularly vulnerable. Women have friends to process things with. Men not so much. So its important that wives are aware of what their men need.

Here are 7 things that a husband needs in a marriage so that you can consider what you are giving your husband and what might be missing.

#1 – He needs to feel like you respect him.

First and foremost, your husband, and any person in the world, needs to feel respected.

Perhaps you are thinking “of course I respect him” but think about it. Do you really? And if you do, do you show him that you do?

I know that when I was married, I did not have a lot of respect for my ex-husband. Oh, I did in the beginning, but as time went on, that respect faded. The reasons why will surprise you.

Over the years my husband wasn’t great at doing what he said he was going to do. When he did do something, I gave him a hard time for doing it wrong (read: my way). I wasn’t, at times, happy with his parenting style. There were so many little things that just got on my nerves.

As a result, I lost respect for him. Even worse, I let him know that I had lost respect for him by treating him with contempt. I was passive aggressive and condescending and never made him feel welcomed.

It was not good for him, that I know.

I always encourage my clients to work hard to keep up the respect for their husbands. The key to that is clearly communicating what they need, putting issues to bed that arise and recognizing that we are all human beings just doing our best!

You can do it too!

#2 – He wants you to desire him.

This is an interesting one.

All women know that men want sex. They want sex as often as they can get it and can get grumpy when they don’t. What my male clients tell me that surprised me was that not only do they want sex but they want to be desired by their wives.

They want their wives to actively want to have sex with them. They want them to initiate it and enjoy it. They want need to know that their wives don’t treat having sex as another type of chore.

And this desire doesn’t just include sex. Men want to be touched. They want their wife to want to hold their hand, to give them a hug, to rest their head on their shoulders when they are watching TV. Any kind of physical touch is important to most men. And, unfortunately, as marriages get longer and more complicated, women can stop feeling the desire to touch their men or simply just forget to do so.

So, be aware of how often you touch your husband. Little touches throughout the day can go a long way towards making him feel loved and, maybe, even make you desire him more!

#3 – He needs to feel like he makes a difference in your life.

I always used to tell my ex-husband that he was rendering himself obsolete.

He wasn’t giving me the things that I needed. He couldn’t do things the way that I wanted him to. He couldn’t show up when I needed him. I didn’t trust him to always be honest with me. As a result, I put him on the sidelines. I embraced my friends as the people whom I needed in my life and relied on them and myself to get things done.

And this devastated my husband. I know that it did.

Yes, my husband wasn’t always as reliable as I would have liked him to be but when he was around he truly wanted to make a difference in my life. Whether it was doing chores or spending time with me or bringing me small gifts, he did things for me, things that he truly hoped that would make me happy. He knew that my life was difficult and he hoped that he could make a difference, in a positive way.

Unfortunately, by being passive aggressive and contemptuous, I definitely didn’t make my husband feel like he made a positive difference in my life. Instead, I made him feel like he was always in the way and that I would truly be better off without him around.

Eventually, he got the hint and he left.

#4 – He wants to make you laugh.

One of things that I hear most often from my male clients is that they wish that they could make their wives laugh. After all, when they were first together, he could make her laugh all the time. Not so much anymore and it makes him sad.

So let me ask you – do you find your husband funny but you don’t laugh the way you used to because you are usually distracted by something else? Or perhaps you smile but then move on? Or do you find your husband’s sense of humor incredibly frustrating, something not funny at all?

Either way, I am guessing that you aren’t laughing with your husband as much as you did when you were first together. If you still find him funny, then you are just used to his sense of humor and don’t react as vocally. If he drives you nuts, know that its often the thing that made you fall in love with someone (like how funny they are) is the thing that can ultimately drive you apart.

If you find your husband funny, let him know by laughing. Don’t fake it but make sure that if you find him amusing he knows it.

#5 – He wants you to watch the football game with him.

So your husband probably doesn’t actively want you to watch the football game with him but what he does want is for you to share in some of his interests.

I know that when we first met, I loved to help my husband work on his car. I was the person who gave him the tools he needed and whose small hands could fit into places his didn’t. I amused him with my observations. I would give him a kiss when he emerged from underneath the car.

Now that we are on year eight together, I don’t help my husband when he works on his car. I let him go out to the garage and I continue doing whatever I am doing. And while he hasn’t said anything, I am guessing that if I showed up in the garage to hang out and hold tools he would not be unhappy.

Are you involved with the things that your husband takes an interest in? Even if its just sitting on the couch a few hours a week to watch whatever sport is in season, having some interest in what he is passionate about is something that a husband really needs in a marriage!

Things that Your Husband Needs in Marriage

 

#6 – He needs you to make him feel like a man.

I know, I know. In this day and age, why is it a woman’s job to make a man feel like a man? Isn’t that on him? Well let me ask you this – I am guessing that you do feel like a woman for most part but does the attention of your husband make you feel like more of one? And does it feel pretty good?

It is the same with a man. Men want to fee like men. They want to feel like they are needed because they are strong or tall. They want you to appreciate the results of the workouts they are so committed to. They want you to want them to take care of you. They want to feel like they are the focus of your attention, at least some of the time.

Again, I know that women feel like men can be babies and need to be flattered so that they can feel more manly but truly, if you can make him feel more like a man, at least some days, you would be absolutely making his day!

#7 – He needs to be given some benefit of the doubt.

Ok – I am definitely not telling you that you must put up with any lying or deception in your marriage. Absolutely not. What I am asking you to do is to give your husband the benefit of the doubt. To not immediately assume that he is trying to put something over on you when needs be.

After years of marriage’s let downs, it can sometimes be difficult to trust your person 100%. Therefore, when something is awry it’s hard not to go to that worst place.

For example, if your husband is late home from work again and he shows up with some seemingly lame excuse, try not to jump down his throat. What probably happened is that he lost track of time or got held back by a co-worker. What probably didn’t happen is him having dinner with another woman or looking at porn or whatever horrid thing that you could make up in your head.

Men are the kings of white lies. They lie to protect their women. They lie to keep themselves out of trouble. They lie by omission to not upset the apple cart. But, more often than not, your husband won’t maliciously lie to you – to try to pull one over on you in a harmful way.

So, I would encourage you to give the man who you are married to the benefit of the doubt, if warranted. Unless your gut instinct is that his lie is a big one, let those little fibs go. They aren’t worth the hassle.

#8 – He wants you to not take things personally.

This is a big one for everyone but particularly with women – we tend to take things that aren’t personal personally.

I have a client whose husband was supposed to stop on the way home from the office and check out some doors that they were going to install in their renovated house. He was distracted and he just forgot (which, of course, was unfortunate).

How did she react? “If you loved me, you would have remembered to stop at the store.”

The reality is is that her husband loves her very much; he just flaked this time around. He did not not look at doors because he doesn’t love her or because he wanted to upset her. He did it because he plain forgot.

So try not to see your husbands actions as a reflection of how much he loves you. That will only cause both of you more pain than necessary.

#9 – He needs you to understand that he can’t always give you what you need.

Modern perspectives on marriage often include the belief that spouses should give their partners everything that they need. They should be best friends and soulmates and be able to anticipate each other’s every desire.

Unfortunately, no one can be everything to any one person.

That being said, we all have women friends who come pretty close to giving us what we need. They are there for us when we need them. They never let us down. They are willing to listen and be empathetic. They anticipate our needs. All of these things that make us feel loved and respected.

Unfortunately, men aren’t so good at doing most of the things that your girlfriend can do for you. Of course, they want to be there when we need them and to never let us down but they aren’t always good at that. (And, to be fair, we probably have higher expectations of our husbands than we do of our girlfriends)

What they really aren’t great at doing is listening and being empathetic. Men like to fix – that is what they will do when faced with your emotions. And, unfortunately, they can really struggle with anticipating our needs. If they were in charge of the world, a woman would tell a man what she needs in the moment so that he can give it to her. Anticipating what she needs is harder for them.

Another thing that women do is they say “if it was me, I would do…” when it comes to their husband’s behaviors. To that I respond – “is your husband you?” The answer, of course, is no. No one is going to do things exactly how you would do them. No one. While your husband wants to make you happy, he most likely will do whatever needs to be done his way. And, just because you always call on the way home from work to see if he needs anything, that he doesn’t do it doesn’t mean that he doesn’t love you. It just means that he does things differently.

So, there you go – 9 things that your husband needs in marriage that might surprise you.

I am sure that many people will write me and tell me that I am silly, that women shouldn’t have to pander to their husbands to keep them happy. But these things are not pandering. These things are probably things that you did in the beginning of your marriage that have fallen to the wayside.

I am just here to remind you. So that you can work to keep your marriage strong.

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin