6 Red Flags in Early Dating Stages That You MUST NOT Ignore

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New relationships are super exciting, but early warning signs, also known as red flags, often hint at deeper problems. Many of us ignore these red flags, hoping that things will work out in spite of them. Or that we will be able to change our new person and make them go away.

Red flags are signs of trouble in a new love match. They can be little or big.

Perhaps your date looks at your phone without asking, or won’t let you look at theirs. Perhaps they don’t treat people in a way that feels good to you. Perhaps they disappear for days at a time and then return without explanation. Perhaps they make you feel bad any time you express your feelings. All of these things are red flags – flags that should be acted upon.

The key to acting upon them? Knowing how to spot them!

Let me share 6 red flags to keep your eye out for so that you don’t waste any more time on the wrong person.

Five Red Flags in Early Dating You Can’t Miss | Sabrina Zohar

#1 – Being Too Controlling or Owning

If a person you’re seeing wants to run your choices or gets too jealous, that’s a big red flag.

They might stop you from seeing your friends or family, saying things like, “Why do you need them when you’re with me?” or make you feel bad for keeping other ties. They might want to check your phone, know your secrets, or keep tabs on you all the time, asking who you are with or where you go. They might try to control how you dress or how you spend money.

Jealousy, too, is a type of owning that can go too far. They might get mad if you chat with a waiter, wave at someone nearby, or bring up a colleague. Accusations like “You’re flirting” when you’re just nice are not okay. These small, yet clear clues point to bigger problems you can’t just brush off.

The tough part is, often this controlling act looks like love. They might say, “I just care a lot” or “I want to keep you safe.” But true love doesn’t cut you off or make you watch every step to keep them happy.

If you find you’re changing to keep them happy or feel like you’re always careful around them, think twice. You shouldn’t drop your friends, joys, or freedom for anyone you date.

#2 – Lacking Respect for Boundaries

When someone disregards your boundaries, it reveals a lot about their character. Boundaries aren’t just casual guidelines – they’re necessary safeguards for your emotional and mental well-being.

Imagine this: you’ve expressed a desire to take things slow, yet your partner keeps pushing for physical closeness. Or you’ve made it clear that you prefer to keep your work life and personal life separate, but they show up at your workplace uninvited. Maybe you’ve asked for quiet evenings without late-night texts, but those messages keep coming. These actions, whether blatant or subtle, slowly wear down your comfort and sense of security.

“If you are not able to verbalize your boundaries in a new relationship or they are crossed and not respected, that is a huge red flag.” – Mental Health Professional, Arkansas [1]

Boundaries go beyond personal space – they also include money and time. For example, if you’ve agreed to split the bill or alternate who pays, but your partner insists on always covering the check despite your objections, they’re disregarding your financial boundaries. On the flip side, if they expect you to pay for everything after you’ve expressed a desire for balance, that’s another red flag.

“Red flags undermine trust and safety, leaving you feeling diminished or anxious.” – Katie Dissanayake, Relationship Coach [2]

Your time boundaries are equally important. If Sundays are your day for family or personal time, a respectful partner won’t keep pushing for Sunday dates or sulking when you’re unavailable. A considerate partner adjusts and respects your schedule without making you feel guilty.

“Having the boundaries that you need to take care of yourself will ultimately allow you to show up well for a partner.” – Danielle Sethi, Therapist [3]

Trust your instincts when something feels off. A partner who respects your boundaries will listen, understand, and adjust without argument. If they try to negotiate or dismiss your limits, it’s a clear sign to reevaluate. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect for each other’s needs and personal space – right from the start.

#4 – Inconsistent or Dishonest Communication

Dishonest communication, much like controlling behavior or boundary issues, can erode trust right from the beginning. Trust is the backbone of any strong relationship, and when someone’s words don’t align with their actions, it’s often a sign of deeper problems. Let’s break this down.

Picture this: they say they’re serious about building a connection, but then disappear for days. Or they seem thrilled about meeting up again, only to take forever to reply to your messages or cancel plans at the last minute. This hot-and-cold pattern keeps you guessing and unsettled.

Major red flags also show up in how they talk about themselves. If their stories about daily life or their background keep changing, and they dodge direct questions, it’s hard to build trust.

Digital habits, too, can sometimes be red flags. Someone might respond promptly at certain times but then be completely unavailable without any explanation. Or they might actively post on social media while ignoring your messages. Worse, their online activity might contradict things they’ve told you about their lifestyle or interests, adding another layer of mistrust.

Trust your instincts here. If conversations leave you feeling confused, uneasy, or like something just doesn’t add up, don’t ignore that gut feeling. Healthy communication should bring clarity and connection – not leave you more puzzled.

#4 – Rushing the Relationship (aka Love Bombing)

When someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, lavish gifts, and grand declarations of love within just weeks of meeting, it might seem flattering at first. But this behavior – often called love bombing – can be a HUGE red flag.

Love bombing is all about fast-tracking intimacy without building a genuine connection. For example, they might text you constantly throughout the day, send extravagant gifts after only a few dates, or profess deep feelings before truly knowing you. While it may feel romantic in the moment, this whirlwind approach often bypasses the natural process of getting to know each other.

They might insist on exclusivity, suggest moving in together, or even bring up marriage far too soon. These actions are often paired with bold statements like, “We’re meant to be”, or “Why wait when this feels so special?” The urgency can feel overwhelming and may pressure you to match their pace, even if it doesn’t feel right for you.

You might also notice them making your relationship very public early on. They could post about you frequently on social media, tag you in romantic memes, or even update their relationship status after just a few dates. While these gestures might seem sweet, they can also come across as an attempt to “claim” you rather than a genuine display of affection.

Healthy relationships don’t need to sprint to the finish line. They grow gradually through shared experiences, meaningful conversations, and mutual respect for boundaries. If something feels too intense too quickly, trust your instincts. A genuine connection unfolds naturally and gives you the time and space to build trust. Recognizing the signs of love bombing can help you identify and address potential red flags early on, ensuring a healthier approach to relationships.

#5 – Having a Disrespectful or Critical Attitude

Repeatedly belittling or demeaning behavior is a glaring red flag in any relationship. Much like controlling tendencies or boundary violations, a consistently critical attitude often points to deeper incompatibilities.

Pay attention to how they respond to you. Do they interrupt, dismiss your thoughts, or mock your ideas? Maybe they roll their eyes when you share something you’re passionate about. Perhaps they compare you to an ex or one of their friends’ partners.

Do they hide criticism disguised as “helpful advice.” Remarks about your appearance, career choices, or personal decisions that feel more like put-downs than support can chip away at your confidence.

Watch how they treat others, too. Rudeness to servers, condescension toward family members, or dismissive behavior in social situations can be telling. These patterns often carry over into romantic relationships, especially after the initial charm fades.

Conflict resolution can be equally telling. Do they resort to name-calling, personal attacks, or bringing up past mistakes to hurt you during disagreements? Healthy communication focuses on resolving the issue, not tearing down the other person.

Finally, trust your instincts. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, worried about triggering criticism, it’s a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Feeling pressured to change who you are just to avoid conflict points to deeper issues that need to be addressed early on. Recognizing these patterns can help you protect your sense of self and well-being.

#6 – Poor Conflict Resolution or Emotional Invalidation

When it comes to relationships, how someone handles disagreements can reveal a lot about their character. Poor conflict resolution often highlights deeper issues, and emotional invalidation can make things even worse.

Phrases like “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re overreacting”, or “that’s not a big deal” are clear warning signs. These dismissive comments shut down conversations, deflect responsibility, and make you question your own feelings. Instead of resolving the issue, they leave you doubting yourself.

The silent treatment is another unhealthy tactic. Rather than addressing the problem, they might disappear or refuse to communicate, creating an unsettling power imbalance. This approach doesn’t just avoid the issue – it amplifies it.

Some people turn small disagreements into full-blown arguments by using harsh language or dragging unrelated past conflicts into the mix. Gaslighting is especially damaging during these moments. They might insist a conversation never happened, claim you’re “remembering it wrong”, or make you question your perception of reality.

Stonewalling, or completely shutting down and refusing to engage, is another red flag. It leaves issues unresolved and creates emotional distance. Even after the argument, their behavior can speak volumes. Holding grudges, bringing up old issues, or acting cold for days shows a lack of willingness to move forward constructively.

During conflicts, they might resort to emotional manipulation, bringing up your insecurities or making threats, like suggesting the relationship is at risk over something minor.

How they react when you express hurt feelings is also telling. A healthy response involves listening and showing genuine care. But if they dismiss your concerns or immediately become defensive, it’s a sign they may care more about being “right” than understanding your perspective.

So How Do You Recognize and Address Red Flags?

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, don’t brush it aside as paranoia or overthinking. Often, your gut picks up on subtle warning signs before your mind fully processes them.

Keep a record of behaviors that concern you, noting specific details and dates. This can help you spot patterns over time. Seeing these behaviors laid out can make it harder to dismiss recurring issues or convince yourself they’re not a big deal.

Talk to trusted friends or family members who know you well. Sometimes, being too close to a situation makes it hard to see clearly.

Pay close attention to how your partner reacts to your boundaries. Someone who respects you will honor your limits without arguing, guilt-tripping, or pressuring you. If they repeatedly test your boundaries or make you feel bad for setting them, that’s a warning sign that needs immediate attention.

Consistency matters. Actions speak louder than words. If someone claims to respect you but frequently cancels plans last minute, shows up late, or dismisses your concerns, their behavior is telling you more than their words ever could.

Pay attention to their response when you express concerns. A healthy partner will listen and take your feelings seriously. On the other hand, if they become defensive, dismiss your concerns, or turn the blame back on you, it’s a sign of how future conflicts might be handled.

Know when it’s time to walk away. Certain red flags, like controlling behavior or emotional manipulation, often get worse over time. If these patterns show up early in the relationship, they’re unlikely to improve without significant effort on the other person’s part.

Knowing how to recognize red flags and how to act on them is an important part of building a healthy relationship.

Trust your instincts if something feels off. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, open communication, and understanding. Spotting these red flags early helps you make informed decisions about your emotional safety.

Spotting red flags early is key to protecting your emotional well-being and shaping a healthier future. Knowing how to recognize red flags – controlling behavior, boundary violations, dishonest communication, love bombing, disrespectful attitudes, and poor conflict resolution – can help you avoid unnecessary heartache when identified in time.

You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries, communicates openly, and shows kindness, even in moments of conflict. Don’t settle for less or assume you can change someone’s behavior. Recognizing red flags early can save you from long-term harm.

Ultimately, addressing red flags isn’t about trying to change someone else – it’s about protecting yourself. The right person will respect your boundaries, communicate openly, and work through challenges with you, not create them.

A Complete Guide to Dating After Divorce

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I know! Dating after divorce can feel overwhelming…I have been there!

But know that dating again is all about new beginnings. It’s a chance for you to step out of who you were and into the rest of your life. It’s also a time to rebuild confidence, clarify your relationship goals, and embrace new opportunities.

Let me share with you some important steps to navigate dating with clarity and confidence. Whether it’s setting boundaries, recognizing healthy patterns, or balancing modern tools like apps, the key is to prioritize your well-being while exploring new possibilities.

3 Lies About Dating After Divorce (That Keep You Stuck)

#1 – Make Sure You Are Emotionally Ready.

Emotional readiness doesn’t follow a set timeline – it’s about being honest with yourself. Research from the Gottman Institute makes it very clear that people who start new relationships before fully healing often just repeat mistakes from their past relationships [2].

Ask yourself: Have I truly processed my divorce? Do I feel content with my life as it is? Am I able to enjoy my own company? If you can think about your past without overwhelming resentment or sadness, it’s a strong sign that you’re ready to move forward.

It is key that you pay attention to your emotional responses to where you are in your post-divorce healing. If thoughts of your divorce still bring up intense anger, anxiety, or sadness, it might be a sign you need more time to heal. Feeling at ease with yourself and your life is one of the clearest signals that you’re ready to date again.

#2 – Stay positive.

Your mindset can shape your entire dating experience. Instead of viewing your divorce as a failure, try to see it as a learning experience that taught you more about yourself and what you need in a partner. Practice self-compassion and remind yourself that your worth isn’t tied to the end of your marriage.

Make sure you engage in activities that make you feel good about yourself. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family who encourage your growth. Remind yourself regularly that you are awesome to shift your focus from past setbacks to the resilience and wisdom you’ve gained.

With this positive outlook, you can treat each dating experience as an opportunity to learn, not as a judgment of your value. With the right mindset, you can approach this new chapter with clarity and optimism.

#3 – Identify What You Want from Dating.

Knowing what you want from dating can save you from unnecessary confusion or frustration. Before you start to date, think about whether you’re looking for casual companionship, a potential long-term relationship, or just friendship.

Its very important to take note of your non-negotiables – the qualities and values that are most important to you in a partner. At the same time, consider any deal-breakers, like dishonesty or disrespect. Being clear about these things upfront can help you avoid mismatched expectations.

Also important to be realistic about your current situation. Whether you’re managing co-parenting duties or a hectic work schedule, acknowledging these realities can help you set practical expectations for your dating life. If you set out determined to find a new love and you truly don’t have the time one needs to do focused dating, you are only going to let yourself, and others, down.

#4 – Rebuild your Confidence and Self-worth.

Taking care of yourself is not indulgent – it’s a crucial step in rebuilding your emotional strength. Self-care helps lay the foundation for a healthier mindset and renewed self-worth.

Self care can take many forms, depending on what feels good to you.

Mindfulness meditation is a simple yet effective way to reduce stress and boost self-awareness. Just 10–20 minutes a day can help you process emotions more calmly and develop a kinder view of yourself.

Physical activity is another powerful tool for boosting confidence. Whether you prefer a brisk walk around your neighborhood, a yoga class, or hitting the gym a few times a week, exercise releases endorphins that naturally lift your mood and energy levels. Feeling stronger physically often translates into feeling more confident overall.

Exploring new interests and developing new skills can be incredibly empowering. Trying something you’ve always been curious about – whether it’s photography, cooking, or joining an art class – can reignite your passions and give you a renewed sense of purpose. One of my clients, after ending a 15-year marriage, took art classes and joined support groups. Within a year, she rediscovered her confidence, set clear boundaries, and felt ready to date again [4][1].

Reconnect with friends and family who encourage your growth, and consider joining support groups – whether in-person or online – where you can share experiences and gain valuable insights. If self-care and support from loved ones aren’t enough, don’t hesitate to reach out to a licensed therapist or coach for additional guidance [4][3].

#5 – Learn How to Use Dating Apps Safely and Effectively.

Chances are that the dating world has changed quite a bit since you were last in the mix. Understanding what that looks like and how to navigate it is key piece of being ready to date again. And this means understanding how to use dating apps!

Dating apps have become one of the most common ways to meet potential partners in the United States. If the idea of using them feels daunting, it might help to think of these platforms as tools that, when used thoughtfully, can connect you with like-minded people.

Start by creating a profile that feels genuine and current. Use recent photos that show who you are today. Include a mix: a clear headshot with a smile, a full-body shot, and a couple of pictures that reflect your hobbies or interests. Skip group photos where it’s hard to tell who you are, and avoid heavily edited images that don’t match your real-life appearance.

When writing your bio, aim for specifics. Mention hobbies, interests, or unique details about yourself that can spark conversation. This makes it easier for potential matches to connect with you on a personal level.

When messaging, reference something from their profile to show genuine interest. After a few engaging conversations, suggest meeting in person to see if there’s a real connection. If you find that the person you are chatting with doesn’t want to meet after a few conversations, walk away. Don’t waste your time on someone who doesn’t make an effort!

A key part of online datings is this safety! Always meet in public spaces, arrange your own transportation, and let a trusted friend know your plans! Only you can take care of yourself in these dating situations – so be smart!

#6 – Know How to Spot Red Flags and Green Flags

Your past relationships can teach you a lot about what to look for – and what to avoid – in new ones. Paying attention to behavioral cues early on can save you from unnecessary heartache. These, in dating terms, are known as red flags (which means STOP) and green flags (which mean GO).

Red flags to watch for include:

*Someone who rushes into intimacy, whether emotional or physical, too quickly. Beware of love bombing – excessive flattery or attention right from the start which can sometimes lead to controlling or manipulative tendencies.

*Someone who talks negatively about their exes. This might signal unresolved issues.

*Inconsistent communication is another warning sign. If someone is attentive for a few days and then disappears without explanation or frequently cancels plans, it means they aren’t prioritizing you.

Green flags to watch for include

*Behaviors that suggest a partner is worth investing in. Look for someone who communicates openly and consistently, respects your boundaries, and shows genuine interest in getting to know you.

*Emotional availability, that the person is comfortable sharing their feelings, asks thoughtful questions about your experiences, and allows the relationship to progress at a pace you’re comfortable with.

DON’T ignore red flags, thinking that you can ‘“fix” someone. What you see right now is who they are. If you see a red flag, listen to your gut and walk away!

#7 – Makes Sure You Actually Have the Time to Date.

Dating takes a lot of time and energy and life doesn’t pause for it, especially after divorce. Whether it’s co-parenting, work, or personal commitments, finding time for romance requires being honest, wiht.

If you’re co-parenting, be upfront with potential partners about having children and your custody schedule. While you don’t need to share every detail right away, being honest helps set realistic expectations from the beginning.

Balancing dating with work and personal life also means setting clear boundaries. Ask yourself if you can do your work well and date. Now is not the time to let your work suffer! Let potential partners know when you’re most available from the get go, to prevent this from happening!

And DON’T drop those people who have supported you over the course of your divorce. They were there for you before you started dating and will be there again. A new love won’t fix everything – thats what your people, both personal and professional, are there for.

Coaching and Courses from Let Your Dreams Begin

Let Your Dreams Begin

Dating after divorce is an opportunity to not only find a new relationship but also a chance to rediscover yourself and define what you truly want in a relationship.

Remember, there’s no set timeline for when to start dating after divorce. Factors like the length of your marriage, the circumstances of your separation, and your personal coping strategies will all play a role in your readiness to take the next step. Focus on consistent self-care, building a strong support network, and embracing personal growth to guide your healing process [4][6].

Once you’ve regained your sense of self and feel comfortable being alone, you’ll be ready to approach modern dating with clarity and confidence. When you truly appreciate who you’ve become, you’ll be better equipped to connect with someone who values you just as much.

5 Ways to Build Self-Confidence After A Break Up

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Loss can shatter your confidence, leaving you questioning your identity and decisions. I get it! I have been there!

But, rebuilding takes time – you can and will feel better! I promise.

Taking small, deliberate steps can help you reconnect with your inner strength and help you heal!

Let me share some now!

Tips To Rebuild Self Confidence When You Are Grieving

#1 – Accept Your Grief and Emotional Response

Rebuilding confidence after a loss doesn’t start with forcing yourself to move on – it begins with giving yourself permission to feel. Grief isn’t a sign of weakness, nor is it something you need to rush through. It’s your mind and body’s natural way of processing a profound change, and trying to suppress or avoid it often makes the road to recovery even harder.

When you suppress your emotions or try to fast-track your healing, you send yourself the message that your feelings don’t matter. This can erode your self-trust. On the other hand, accepting your grief isn’t about giving up; it’s about channeling your energy toward genuine healing.

Make space for your emotions without judging them. If sadness hits, let it flow through you instead of immediately trying to distract yourself or “snap out of it.” When anger arises, acknowledge it rather than burying it. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to act on every feeling – it means you’re respecting your emotional reality.

Remember that your grief is personal. How you process your loss will be as unique as the relationship or situation you’re mourning. Avoid comparing your journey to someone else’s – they just aren’t the same.

#2 – Be mindful of your feelings.

The pain of a break up can pull you into a loop of regret and fear, bouncing between reliving past losses and dreading the unknown future. If you can work to be aware of these feelings, it will can help you step out of those thought patterns and engage fully with what’s happening right now [1].

If you are aware of your feelings, you will be less likely to act rashly but instead have a more thoughtful response to your emotions. By doing this, you will build your self confidence which will help you feel stronger and more able to feel the feelings. This shift helps normalize your experience, making it easier to believe in your ability to handle life’s challenges [3].

Getting started doesn’t require anything fancy. You might spend 10 minutes each morning focusing on your breath or take a quiet walk, paying attention to the sights and sounds around you. You could also journal and record your emotions and how you acted on them. These simple practices can make a big difference [1].

Emotions aren’t enemies – they’re signals meant to be understood. By learning to experience and process them without resistance, you may uncover a resilience you didn’t know you had [2]. Over time, this awareness becomes a foundation for rebuilding confidence after a loss.

#3 – Set Small, Achievable Goals

When you’re grappling with loss and your confidence takes a hit, setting small, manageable goals can be a game changer. It’s easy to feel like you can’t accomplish anything meaningful, but these tiny steps can help you rebuild trust in yourself.

By focusing on small, consistent wins, you remind yourself that you’re capable of taking action, even when things feel uncertain [6]. Each success – no matter how minor – reinforces your ability to move forward. This creates momentum, encouraging you to set simple, realistic goals that are within reach.

Think of these goals as promises to yourself. When you fulfill them, you’re actively rebuilding the trust and confidence that may feel lost. Simple tasks like cooking a meal, going for a short walk, meditating for two minutes, or finishing a book can make a big difference [1]. The beauty lies in their simplicity and your commitment to following through.

“Every goal achieved is a step towards regaining your confidence in your abilities.” – Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT [1]

The real key is keeping those small promises to yourself. If you say you’ll take a walk, take the walk. If you commit to calling a friend, make the call. Every completed goal fuels your momentum, making larger challenges feel less daunting [5][6]. What once felt impossible starts to seem doable, one small victory at a time.

4. Take Stock of Setbacks and Reframe Failure

After experiencing loss, it’s easy to feel like every misstep is a sign of weakness. But here’s the reality: setbacks aren’t proof that you’re failing – they’re part of the process of healing. Learning to see these moments can turn them into opportunities for growth instead of reasons to give up. Setbacks often carry important lessons if you’re willing to look for them.

When you’re rebuilding after a break up, setbacks are bound to happen. Maybe grief feels heavier on certain days, or you struggle to meet a small goal you set for yourself. Instead of labeling these moments as failures, think of them as insights into your healing process. They’re not roadblocks – they’re reminders to adjust your approach.

Each time you face a setback, ask yourself: Did I overextend myself? Do I need more support? Shifting your mindset from self-criticism to curiosity can make a huge difference. Instead of thinking, I’m not making any progress, try asking, What can I learn from this?

Reframing failure can be as simple as saying, “This didn’t go as planned, and that’s okay.” This small shift helps cut down on self-judgment and creates room for growth. It’s important to remember: failure doesn’t define your worth – it’s just feedback for what might need tweaking.

Be kind to yourself, especially in moments of struggle. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer someone you care about. Keep the bigger picture in mind. Healing isn’t a straight path – it’s full of ups and downs. But every setback adds to your resilience. There’s wisdom in every stumble that can make you more self-aware and stronger in the long run.

# 5 – Journal, Journal, Journal

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be one of the most effective ways to rebuild confidence after experiencing loss. Journaling provides a private, judgment-free space to explore your emotions, helping you navigate the complicated feelings that often accompany grief. It’s about putting your truth on paper and allowing your journal to become a tool for processing what you’re going through.

“Journaling can be a powerful tool in rebuilding self-trust after a loss. It provides a safe space for you to express your emotions, explore your thoughts, and reflect on your journey.” – Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT [1]

This process not only helps you make sense of your emotions but also strengthens your ability to trust your own decisions.

There are many things that you can do while you journal – its not just all about capturings your “feelings.” You can express your grief by writing a letter to the person you’ve lost or to the relationship that has ended. Say what you wish you could have said, share your feelings about their absence, or simply talk about your day.

Make sure to celebrate your daily wins, no matter how small they may seem. Each day, jot down three things you accomplished – whether it’s getting out of bed, preparing a meal, or having a meaningful conversation. These small victories remind you of your strength and help rebuild trust in your abilities.

Finally, envision your future by writing about where you’d like to be in six months or a year. What changes would you like to see? What small, manageable steps can you take to move toward that vision? This exercise helps restore your confidence in making decisions and shows you that even in difficult times, positive change is possible.

I know that its hard to imagine ever feeling happy again but you WILL be!

Rebuilding self-confidence after experiencing loss is far from a straightforward process. The five strategies we’ve discussed – accepting your grief, practicing mindfulness, setting realistic goals, reframing setbacks, and journaling – serve as stepping stones toward emotional recovery and renewed trust in yourself. Each step takes patience and time.

Remember – your healing is uniquely yours, and it will unfold at its own pace.

If feelings of confusion, persistent anxiety, depression, or isolation begin to interfere with your daily life, consider seeking professional support from a therapist or a life coach. These emotions are common, but they don’t have to be permanent.

As Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT, explains:

“Counselors and grief support groups can help normalize your feelings and give you skills to cope.” [1]

Help comes in various forms – whether through grief counselors, support groups, or tailored coaching programs designed to guide you through loss while rebuilding your confidence.

Remember – You are not alone in this journey. Many have walked this path, navigating heartbreak and rediscovering joy. You will too. All you have to do is take the first step!

Best Books for Healing After Heartbreak

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Heartbreak can feel overwhelming, impacting both your emotions and daily life. But the right book can provide tools to help you recover, rebuild, and grow. Here’s a list of ten highly recommended books that tackle heartbreak from different angles – whether you need practical advice, emotional support, or a new perspective on healing:

  • It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt: Straightforward advice to accept the breakup and move forward with humor and clarity.
  • This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe: Self-reflection exercises to rediscover yourself and build healthier patterns.
  • Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott: Actionable steps like the “no contact” rule to help you heal and regain control.
  • The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver: Encourages embracing emotions as a path to personal growth.
  • Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert: A memoir of self-discovery and healing after divorce.
  • The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson: Explores the emotional stages of heartbreak and tools for recovery.
  • The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris: Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) techniques to manage emotions and find peace.
  • Feeling Good by David D. Burns: Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) strategies to overcome negative thought patterns.
  • Rising Strong by Brené Brown: A guide to resilience, identifying emotional triggers, and rewriting your story.
  • Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl: A philosophical approach to finding purpose and strength through pain.

Each book caters to different needs, from practical steps to deep emotional insights. Whether you’re looking to process your feelings, shift your perspective, or take actionable steps, there’s a book here for you.

Quick Comparison

Book Title Focus Best For
It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken Accepting the breakup, moving forward Those ready for blunt, humorous advice
This Is Me Letting You Go Self-reflection, building self-love Readers seeking introspection
Getting Past Your Breakup Structured recovery, no-contact rule Those needing clear, actionable steps
The Wisdom of a Broken Heart Embracing emotions, mindfulness Readers open to spiritual growth
Eat, Pray, Love Rediscovery after loss Those ready for life changes and exploration
The Journey from Abandonment to Healing Healing abandonment pain, emotional stages Individuals dealing with deep rejection
The Happiness Trap Managing emotions with ACT techniques Readers handling anxiety or obsessive thoughts
Feeling Good CBT for overcoming negative thoughts Those struggling with low self-esteem
Rising Strong Resilience, emotional triggers Readers seeking growth from setbacks

Choose a book that fits your current stage of healing and start your journey toward recovery.

Book Recommendations – 4 Books to Mend a Broken Heart

#1 – It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken by Greg Behrendt & Amiira Ruotola-Behrendt

This book gets straight to the point: your relationship ended for a reason, and that’s actually a good thing. Written by Greg Behrendt, co-author of He’s Just Not That Into You, and his wife Amiira, this guide offers no-nonsense advice, from both male and female viewpoints, to help you cut through the emotional fog that often follows a breakup.

At the most basic level, the authors delivers a clear message: accept the breakup and move forward. They encourage readers to stop dissecting every moment or clinging to false hope, and instead embrace reality and focus on healing. This approach provides a solid foundation for practical, actionable steps toward recovery.

The book likens getting over a breakup to overcoming an addiction, emphasizing the importance of going through "withdrawal" to truly heal. Its blunt, often humorous tone makes it ideal for those who are ready to take action – even if their emotions are still catching up.

#2 – This Is Me Letting You Go by Heidi Priebe

Heidi Priebe’s This Is Me Letting You Go offers a thoughtful approach to navigating the aftermath of a breakup, one that is in complete contrast to It’s Called a Breakup. Instead of simply urging you to "move on," the book encourages deep self-reflection, using the end of a relationship as a chance to rediscover yourself and build self-love. Packed with exercises and reflection prompts, the book helps you identify relationship patterns, attachment styles, and codependency, and, thereby, uncover the roots of your emotional experiences.

These insights not only support personal growth but also lay the groundwork for creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships in the future.

#3 – Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan J. Elliott.

Susan J. Elliott’s Getting Past Your Breakup offers a straightforward and actionable guide for navigating the aftermath of a relationship. It’s not just about getting over someone – it’s about truly healing and building a stronger version of yourself.

At the heart of the book is something that is very near and dear to my heart, and the key to getting through a break up: the "no contact" rule. Cutting off communication with your ex might feel extreme or even painful at first, but it’s a necessary step to allow your emotions to settle and begin the healing process. Staying in touch can keep old wounds open, making it harder to move forward.

Elliott is not afraid to call out behaviors that might be holding you back – whether it’s clinging to unrealistic expectations or falling into self-destructive cycles. She delivers her message with a balance of empathy and honesty helps readers face hard truths while feeling supported.

"Part of moving on is about learning to love yourself, possibly for the first time. If you learn to truly enjoy your own company, you will be far less likely to choose bad relationships just for the sake of being in one." – Susan J. Elliott [2]

#4 – The Wisdom of a Broken Heart by Susan Piver

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart takes a totally different approach to navigating heartbreak – instead of urging readers to "move on" or distract themselves, Piver encourages embracing the pain as an opportunity for personal growth and self-discovery.

What sets this book apart is its focus on leaning into the discomfort rather than avoiding it. Piver understands that the end of a relationship can bring overwhelming emotional devastation. Rather than offering quick fixes or distractions, she suggests sitting with the pain and allowing it to fuel meaningful transformation. By sharing her own experiences with heartbreak she inspires her reader to take action.

#5 – Eat, Pray, Love by Elizabeth Gilbert

When this book was first published, and was an international sensation, I refused to read it – because everyone else was doing it. And then, because I was desperate, I read it and it changed the trajectory of my life.

Eat, Pray, Love captures the author’s deeply personal journey of rediscovery and healing following a painful divorce.

The book chronicles a transformative year in Gilbert’s life as she travels to three countries: Italy, where she indulges in the simple joys of food and pleasure; India ,where she dives into spirituality and self-reflection; and Indonesia, where she seeks balance and connection, and finds love.

By telling her story, Gilbert shows how rebuilding a relationship with yourself often requires stepping into the unknown and embracing discomfort. She also clearly demonstrates that stepping outside of one’s comfort zones can inspire personal growth and healing.

#6 – The Journey from Abandonment to Healing by Susan Anderson

Susan Anderson’s The Journey from Abandonment to Healing takes a deep and empathetic dive into the emotional wreckage of heartbreak. As a psychotherapist with expertise in abandonment recovery, Anderson argues that all breakups through five stages: shattering, withdrawal, internalizing, rage, and lifting.

Anderson explains the science behind why heartbreak can feel like a physical wound and why the aftermath might resemble withdrawal symptoms. Recognizing that these intense reactions have a biochemical basis can bring a sense of relief during those overwhelming moments.

She also encourages her readers to break free from what she calls "protest mode" – that exhausting cycle of resisting reality, clinging to what’s lost, and being consumed by anger and longing – and to embrace acceptance by acknowledging their emotions and taking steps to move forward.

The book includes practical exercises aimed at managing pain and cultivating self-compassion, offering readers actionable tools to navigate their healing journey.

One reader, Toni Kohn, shared how the book profoundly impacted her during a difficult time:

"As an abandonment survivor, I recommend Susan’s work to those in the thick of despair. In the days I was at my worst, I remember reading The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, and it was the first time I felt understood, less alone, and with a road map out of the depths of despair. I am forever grateful and continue to follow her work."

  • Toni Kohn [3]

# 7 – The Happiness Trap by Russ Harris

Russ Harris’s The Happiness Trap, using principles from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), helps one work through tough emotions instead of fighting against them and offers practical tools to help manage emotional challenges effectively [7].

Harris argues that trying to suppress or escape negative feelings often makes things worse. After a breakup, it’s normal to feel sadness, anger, or anxiety – but the real issue arises when you resist these emotions or expect them to disappear instantly.

Russ suggest 5 key strategies to handle these emotions:

  • Defusion: This involves stepping back from negative thoughts. For example, instead of believing "I’m not good enough,” try reframing it as "I’m having the thought that I’m not good enough." This subtle shift can reduce the emotional weight of the thought [6]
  • Acceptance: Rather than pushing away uncomfortable feelings, feel them. Acknowledge that pain is part of being human, and much of our suffering comes from resisting what we feel [6]
  • Mindfulness: Staying present can stop the cycle of obsessing over the past or worrying about the future. [6]
  • Clarifying Your Values: Think about what truly matters to you beyond your relationship. Questions like "What kind of person do I want to be?" or "What do I stand for?" can help you identify your core values. [6]
  • Committed Action: Even if you’re feeling unmotivated, taking small, values-driven steps can create momentum. These actions, no matter how minor, help you align your life with what matters most [6].

While Harris’s method can not erase the pain of heartbreak, he offers tools to help you carry it more lightly. By embracing these techniques, you can turn emotional struggles into opportunities to build a life centered on your values and personal growth.

#8 – Feeling Good by David D. Burns

In Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy, David D. Burns outlines how Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can serve to dismantle negative thinking, something that, after a break up, can amplify emotional pain and make it harder to move forward.

One standout chapter, "Love Addiction," explores how distorted beliefs about rejection can trap you in cycles of hopelessness. By identifying these patterns, you can begin to see how your perspective on rejection might be holding you back from healing.

Although Feeling Good isn’t specifically about recovering from heartbreak, its CBT-based strategies offer valuable tools for breaking free from negative thought loops can play a key role in finding emotional balance after a breakup.

9. Rising Strong by Brené Brown

Rising Strong dives into the art of recovering from setbacks and building resilience through a straightforward three-step process: reckoning, rumble, and revolution.

In the reckoning phase, Brown encourages readers to identify their emotional triggers and observe their feelings without trying to suppress them. After all, recognizing and understanding your emotions is the first step toward healing.

The rumble phase is all about untangling the self-defeating stories we tell ourselves after a breakup and challenging those limiting beliefs and rewriting the story you tell yourself.

Finally, the revolution phase focuses on using the pain you’ve experienced to build emotional strength and authenticity in future relationships. It’s not about erasing the past or pretending the relationship didn’t matter but instead it’s about taking what you’ve learned and applying it to how you live and love moving forward.

The key to Brown’s perspective is her emphasis on vulnerability, something that reframes it as a source of strength rather than weakness, emphasizing that the willingness to risk being hurt again is essential for forming deep, meaningful connections.

Sometimes finding just the right book can help you get through your breakup and out the other side, even better than you were before.

Each of these titles offer a wealth of wisdom, each providing a unique approach to healing, ensuring there’s something for everyone, no matter where you are in your journey.

Related Blog Posts

Should I Stay or Leave? 5 Key Questions

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When you’re unsure about your relationship, it can feel overwhelming. This article breaks down five key questions to help you decide whether to stay or leave your partnership. Here’s a quick summary:

  1. Are Your Basic Needs Being Met?
    Evaluate if your emotional, physical, and mental needs are fulfilled. Unmet needs can lead to disconnection and dissatisfaction.
  2. Do You Feel Safe and Respected?
    Safety and respect are non-negotiable. Look for signs of emotional or physical harm, manipulation, or disrespect.
  3. Are You Both Moving in the Same Direction?
    Assess if your life goals, values, and future plans align. Misalignment can cause tension and long-term challenges.
  4. What Is Your Gut Feeling?
    Trust your intuition. Distinguish between fear-driven anxiety and a calm, instinctive sense about your relationship.
  5. Are You Ready to Make a Change?
    If issues persist despite efforts to address them, consider whether you’re prepared – emotionally and practically – to take action.

Reflecting on these questions can provide clarity and guide your next steps, whether that means working on the relationship or moving forward separately.

#1 – Are Your Basic Needs Being Met?

The foundation of any healthy relationship lies in meeting your emotional, physical, and mental needs. When these core needs go unmet, it can leave you feeling drained or disconnected from your partner. Recognizing what you truly need – and whether those needs are being fulfilled – can help you make thoughtful decisions about the future of your relationship.

Emotional needs are not optional; they’re essential for a thriving partnership. Without them, even the most supportive relationships can falter. These needs aren’t extravagant or unreasonable – they’re fundamental to your happiness and well-being.

Some of the key emotional needs include feeling safe and secure, experiencing intimacy and connection, being appreciated, and sharing moments of joy. According to Schema Therapy, five core emotional needs are critical: safety, autonomy and identity while maintaining independence, freedom to express emotions without fear, spontaneity, and clearly defined boundaries [3].

Your love language also plays a big part in whether your needs are being met. Whether you value words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or gifts, it’s important that your partner makes a genuine effort to connect with you in ways that resonate. If your love language is ignored, it can leave you feeling emotionally unfulfilled [2][4][5].

"No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected." – Beverly Engel, Author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship [5]

#2 – Do You Feel Safe and Respected?

Safety and respect are cornerstones of any healthy relationship. If you ever feel unsafe or disrespected, it’s a clear signal that something isn’t right. While emotional needs can often be addressed through open communication and mutual effort, issues of safety and respect demand immediate attention. These are non-negotiable aspects of your well-being, and evaluating them can help you determine whether your relationship is truly nurturing or harmful.

Feeling safe goes beyond physical security. It includes emotional safety – being able to express yourself without fear of retaliation, manipulation, or verbal attacks. Respect means being treated as an equal, having your boundaries honored, and receiving basic dignity. Without these, even the strongest love or best intentions cannot compensate for the harm being caused.

Harmful behaviors often begin subtly, like offhand criticisms or controlling remarks, but they can grow into emotional abuse or intimidation over time. It’s common to question whether your concerns are valid or if you’re overreacting. Trust your instincts – if something feels off, it likely is. Let’s take a closer look at how harmful behaviors can show up in relationships.

Recognizing harmful behaviors can be tricky, especially when they’re disguised as care or concern. Here are some common red flags to watch for include controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, verbal or emotional abuse, financial control and physical intimidation.

It’s important to look for patterns rather than isolated incidents. Everyone has bad days, but consistent disrespect or controlling behavior signals deeper issues that won’t resolve on their own.

#3 – Are You Both Moving in the Same Direction?

One of the strongest indicators of a relationship’s long-term potential is alignment – not just in your feelings for each other, but in your life goals and core values. While emotional connection and security are key, shared goals for the future can provide the stability a relationship needs to thrive. You might love someone deeply, but if your paths are heading in opposite directions, love alone may not be enough to sustain the partnership.

This goes beyond surface-level compatibility. It’s about asking whether you’re both committed to personal growth, whether your life ambitions complement each other, and whether you share a common vision for the future. When life goals clash, it can lead to tension, resentment, and the kind of compromises that feel more like sacrifices.

One of my clients was questioning whether her guy was the guy for her. They got along well – they rarely argued and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. But while she was focused on advancing her career and starting a family, her partner was content with his current job and had no interest in children. Neither of them was wrong, but their differing life directions created a disconnect. Over time, the relationship felt stagnant because their visions for the future didn’t align.

So, how do you evaluate whether your paths are truly in sync?

Start by taking an honest look at where you and your partner see yourselves in the next five to ten years. Are your visions complementary, or are they pulling you in different directions?

Think about key areas like children, career, finances, and where you want to live. Are your ambitions aligned? For instance, does one of you dream of climbing the corporate ladder while the other prioritizes work-life balance? Do you have similar financial goals, like saving for a home or planning for retirement? Even geographic preferences matter – if one of you envisions a bustling city life while the other craves the peace of rural living, that’s a difference that needs addressing.

How you communicate about future plans is equally important. Do these conversations lead to productive discussions where both of you feel heard, or do they turn into arguments or avoidance? Healthy relationships involve mutual support and negotiation, not one person constantly compromising.

So take stock of how you both align with the future. It’s an important piece of whether to stay or go.

#4 – What Is Your Gut Feeling?

Ok, so. How many times have you ignored your gut feeling? That inner voice that often picks up on subtle truths that logic might overlook. This is the one voice you should NEVER ignore.

Your gut can sense patterns or inconsistencies that your conscious mind might try to explain away. Maybe it’s that nagging feeling something’s off, or perhaps it’s a deep sense of peace despite minor challenges. Learning to distinguish true intuition from fear is key here.

Take a moment to understand the difference between anxiety and intuition. Anxiety tends to be chaotic, driven by fear, and filled with "what ifs." Intuition, on the other hand, feels calm and grounded, even if the message it delivers is hard to accept. It’s that quiet thought that says, “This isn’t right,” or “This feels like the right path,” without needing a long list of reasons to back it up.

People often dismiss their gut feelings, especially when they clash with logic. For instance, you might think, “My partner is kind, stable, and checks all the boxes, so why do I feel uneasy?” Or, “We have challenges, but something inside tells me we’ll make it through.” Both scenarios are worth exploring because your intuition is worth listening to. The real challenge lies in interpreting these feelings accurately.

It is important that you pay attention to your gut. Journaling can help so that you can spot patterns in where you gut says pay attention! Talk to a friend – they can often give you a honest assessment, something that you might not see. Try the coin flip test. Assign one outcome to heads (e.g., staying) and another to tails (e.g., leaving). Flip the coin, and in that moment while it’s in the air, notice which result you’re hoping for. That instant reaction often reflects your true feelings, regardless of how the coin lands.

Practice listening to your gut! It will help you every time!

#5 – Are You Ready to Make a Change?

Once you’ve tuned into your gut feelings, the next step is figuring out if you’re ready to act on them. Intuition doesn’t just inform – it often nudges you toward action. But readiness involves both emotional and practical preparation.

Ask yourself, “If nothing improves, would I be ready to leave within the next six months?” If the answer is no, you might need more time to build confidence and resources.

Making change is HARD. Feeling prepared makes making that change easier. Before you leave, make sure that you have a few practical things in place.

  • Support system: Do you have friends, family, or professional support to lean on if you decide to leave? Ending a relationship can be emotionally tough, and having people in your corner can make all the difference.
  • Financial independence: If you live together or share expenses, consider whether you can maintain your lifestyle on your own. Do you need time to save money or separate your finances?
  • Living situation: If you share a home, think about alternative housing options. Would you need to move out, or could your partner? While these logistics don’t dictate your decision, they do affect your timeline.
  • Emotional readiness: Are you prepared for the grief and uncertainty that often come with ending a relationship? Even when it’s the right choice, it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. There’s no shame in giving yourself time to build the emotional strength needed to move forward.

Finally, think about whether you’re staying because of true connection or fear of change. It’s natural to worry about being alone, starting over, or hurting your partner, but these fears aren’t a solid foundation for staying in a relationship. Similarly, staying out of comfort or convenience doesn’t serve either of you in the long run.

When your instincts and practical considerations align, you’ll be better equipped to make a confident decision about your next steps.

Conclusion: Taking Action with Confidence

Hopefully, thinking about the answers to these questions will provide the clarity you need to take the next step. Whether you choose to stay and rebuild or decide to leave and start anew, this clarity becomes the foundation for your journey forward.

Armed with these insights, your next move should be intentional and actionable. Making a decision about your relationship isn’t just about reaching a conclusion – it’s about finding the courage and support to follow through. Deciding is just the beginning; what truly matters is how you act on it.

If your choice is to work on the relationship, consider setting a three- to six-month timeline with specific, measurable actions to guide your progress. Regular check-ins can help keep you on track and ensure that momentum is maintained. Individual counseling can help build confidence, while couples therapy provides tools to improve communication if you’re working to stay together.

For those choosing to leave, remember that ending a relationship is rarely a single event – it’s a process. You may need time to sort out finances, housing, or emotional support before taking that step. Plan your exit thoughtfully and avoid rushing into decisions.

Seeking professional guidance can make this transition smoother. A life coach, like me, can help you moving forward Whether you’re grappling with a tough relationship decision, rebuilding after heartbreak, or seeking the confidence to pursue the love you deserve, professional coaching can provide the guidance and strategies you need to move forward.

Making your decision is not the end – it’s the start of a new chapter. When you’re ready, take deliberate steps to plan your future with the support you need. You don’t have to navigate this alone. This final step brings together your inner clarity and external resources, completing your journey toward self-discovery.

Ultimately, your relationship decision is about honoring who you are and creating space for joy in your life. Trust the work you’ve done, listen to your instincts, and take that first confident step toward the life you’ve been envisioning. This is your moment to embrace happiness and live happily ever after.

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Why You Keep Attracting Wrong Partners and How to Do Things Differently

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If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to partners who aren’t right for you, the problem might not be random. Your subconscious often guides your choices based on familiar patterns from your past, even if those patterns are unhealthy. This can lead to cycles of emotional unavailability, toxic dynamics, or mismatched values.

Here’s what you need to know:

  • Your subconscious craves familiarity: Traits from your early relationships, like those with parents or caregivers, shape what feels "normal" in love – even if it’s harmful.
  • Attachment styles matter: Emotional distance or conditional love in childhood can influence your adult relationships, making unhealthy dynamics feel like home.
  • Intense chemistry can mislead: That spark you feel might be unresolved emotional wounds, not genuine compatibility.
  • Healthy relationships may feel unfamiliar: Stability and respect can seem "boring" if you’re used to chaos or intensity.

Want to know more?

Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Partner (And How to Fix it)! With Dr. Karishma Ahuja

How Your Subconscious Shapes Partner Choices

You might think you’re consciously choosing a kind, reliable, and emotionally available partner, but your subconscious often has its own agenda. Instead, on its own it steers you toward what feels emotionally familiar – even when that familiarity isn’t healthy.

This explains why you may keep gravitating toward partners who share traits with people from your past, even if those traits once caused you pain. Your subconscious brain identifies these patterns as "home", even if "home" wasn’t safe or nurturing.

What makes this even trickier is how natural these subconscious preferences feel. That magnetic instant chemistry or inexplicable pull toward someone? It’s often your psyche’s way of replaying old dynamics in an attempt to heal unresolved wounds. These deep-seated tendencies trace back to your earliest relationships, forming a blueprint for how you approach love.

#1 – Childhood Experiences Shape Your Dating Patterns

Your first relationships – typically with parents or caregivers – lay the groundwork for what psychologists call your attachment style. This internal framework shapes your understanding of how relationships work, influencing everything from how much closeness feels comfortable to what you interpret as love.

For example, if you grew up with an emotionally distant parent, you might find yourself drawn to partners who are similarly unavailable. Your subconscious equates love with emotional distance, so overly available partners might feel uncomfortable or even "wrong."

On the flip side, children who had to earn love – perhaps through achievements or by taking care of others – often grow into adults who are attracted to partners needing "fixing." Your subconscious has learned to tie your value in relationships to what you can do for others, rather than simply being yourself.

Even positive childhood experiences can create challenges. If you were overly protected or constantly praised, you might struggle in relationships where you’re not placed on a pedestal. Alternatively, you might find yourself giving more than you receive because that dynamic feels normal to you.

These patterns are so deeply ingrained that they can feel like part of your personality. You might believe you are just "naturally" drawn to mysterious people or that you "prefer" partners who keep you on your toes. But often, these preferences are your subconscious recreating the emotional environment of your childhood.

#2 – You Are Drawn to What Feels Familiar

Your brain is wired to seek out the familiar, confusing it with safety. This instinct, rooted in evolution, builds on the patterns you learned early in life.

When you meet someone new, your subconscious quickly scans for emotional cues that remind you of the past. Does their communication style echo your father’s? Do they handle conflict like your mother? These familiar traits can create a powerful sense of recognition – what feels like destiny is often just your brain identifying patterns.

This is why you might feel an intense connection to someone who ultimately isn’t right for you. Your subconscious isn’t evaluating compatibility with your current needs and goals. It’s responding to familiar emotional dynamics.

The pull toward familiarity is especially strong with negative patterns. If you grew up surrounded by drama, chaos, or emotional highs and lows, calm and stable relationships might feel boring – or even wrong. Your nervous system has learned to associate love with intensity, so peaceful relationships can seem like they’re missing something.

It is exactly this reason why healthy relationships might feel unfamiliar at first. Partners who are emotionally available, consistent, and respectful might not spark the instant chemistry you’re used to. Learning to recognize this difference is a vital step toward breaking unhealthy cycles.

#3 – Intense Chemistry Isn’t the Same as Love

That overwhelming "spark" you feel? It’s often fueled by a cocktail of stress hormones and neurotransmitters like cortisol, epinephrine, dopamine, and low serotonin levels[1]. While it might feel exhilarating, this rush can cloud your judgment and impair critical thinking. Instead of being a sign of true compatibility, this kind of chemistry can lock you into repeating old, unhealthy patterns in your relationships.

Think of it like a sparkler: dazzling and intense, but ultimately short-lived and unable to sustain a meaningful connection[1]. Though it may feel magnetic, this fleeting chemistry often serves as a distraction from the deeper, unresolved issues influencing your choices in partners.

How DO You Change Your Dating Patterns?

Breaking out of unhealthy relationship cycles starts with honest self-reflection and intentional changes. By looking at how past experiences shape your decisions and examining your dating history with a fresh perspective, you can uncover the recurring patterns that influence your choices.

#1 – Ask Yourself Questions About Your Dating History

  • What type of person are you consistently drawn to?
  • How do your relationships usually end?
  • What emotions arise at the start of relationships?
  • What role did your family dynamics play?
  • What’s your timing with relationships?

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward protecting your emotional well-being and setting boundaries that align with your needs.

#2 – Set Boundaries Right Away In A New Relationship

Boundaries are essential for safeguarding your emotional health and defining what you will and won’t tolerate. Many people who struggle with unhealthy relationships have difficulty setting boundaries, often out of fear of rejection or a tendency to put others’ needs first.

  • Start small. Begin by setting clear, manageable boundaries in everyday situations.
  • Communicate directly. Don’t expect your partner to guess your needs.
  • Enforce consequences. If someone repeatedly crosses a boundary, follow through.
  • Pay attention to their reactions. Healthy partners will respect your boundaries, ask questions, or apologize when needed.
  • Protect your time and energy. You don’t need to be available 24/7 to respond to messages, solve problems, or sacrifice your personal goals to accommodate someone else.

#3 – Rewire Your Approach to Dating

Breaking old patterns starts with understanding and managing your emotions.

Take stock of how your subconscious might be influencing your attraction to someone. Are you thinking this person “isn’t your type?” Or perhaps there is no chemistry. If these things have shaped your past partner choices, its time to do things differently.

Pay attention to your emotional state during dating. Notice when you’re drawn to someone who exhibits red flags you’ve seen before. Instead of acting on instinct, pause and ask yourself: What’s fueling this attraction? Is it the thrill of drama, the pull of familiar dysfunction, or genuine compatibility?

Before each date, set clear intentions. Shift your mindset from seeking someone to "complete" you to exploring compatibility. Ask yourself questions like: "Does this person’s communication style align with mine?" rather than "Can I change how they communicate?"

#4 – Get Help from a Relationship Coach (like me!)

If reflecting on your own isn’t enough, working with a relationship coach can provide the guidance and accountability you need. A skilled coach helps you uncover blind spots, challenge limiting beliefs, and craft strategies tailored to your unique patterns to help individuals break free from toxic relationship cycles.

Your Next Steps Towards Your Happily Ever After

To break this pattern of attracting the wrong kind of partner, focus on self-awareness around how your past experiences influence your choices. Reflect on your dating history and set clear boundaries, Remember, understanding your past is the first step toward creating the relationships you deserve.

Seeking professional guidance can also provide tailored strategies to help you break old patterns and build healthier ones. The time and energy you invest in understanding yourself will ripple through every part of your life – not just your romantic relationships.

Remember: your past doesn’t define your future. With the right tools and dedication, you can break free from harmful cycles and create the relationships you truly deserve.

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Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

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Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

“I just can’t believe that I am having an affair.”

“How can my husband have an affair? We were so happy.”

“I have found my soul mate but he is married. What am I thinking?”

These are phrases that I hear from my clients all the time when cheating has touched their lives. They just don’t understand why people cheat – and most of the time it’s because they don’t understand how affairs happen. Affairs happen, more often than not, not because of the sex but something much deeper. Understanding what these things are might help you understand why infidelity has become a part of your life, in one way or another

#1 – Their depression makes them vulnerable.

The number one psychological fact behind why people cheat is that their mental health issues make them vulnerable to having an affair. Perhaps they are depressed, perhaps they are anxious, perhaps they are dealing with something that causes them to lose control of their emotions. Whatever the mental health struggle they are dealing with, it is making them vulnerable to doing something that will make them feel okay again.

Having an affair is one of those things that can make people with mental health struggles feel like they are okay, at least for a little bit. For that short period of time they are with their affair partner, they feel loved. They feel like they’re enough. The feel-good chemical ‘dopamine’ that comes from being with their affair partner courses through their veins, making them feel happy, even if for a moment.

#2 – They are feeling hopeless and feel like they will never be happy again.

One of my clients has been having an affair with a married man for four years. She just doesn’t understand why she got into it and why she can’t get out of it. After talking, we came to understand that one of the reasons she embarked on this affair was because she was feeling hopeless. She had divorced her husband, her kids were gone, and her career was on hold because of the industry in which she is worked. She just didn’t see how she could ever be happy again.

And then this married man came into her life and made her feel alive. He made her feel important, relevant, and like she had a future where she could be happy. Unfortunately, while she was happy for a while, she eventually became miserable again. What she thought was hope for the future turned into hopelessness because she knew she would never have the happiness that she sought.

#3 – They are unhappy in their marriage and don’t know how to fix it.

Many people who cheat are feeling unhappy in their marriage and they have no idea what to do about it. They married their person because they loved them madly but, over time, 1000 little cuts have eroded the marriage. Sure, they’ve been to therapy. Sure, they’ve made date nights and gone on mini vacations and done all the things that their therapist encouraged them to do. But still, they are unhappy and not sure what to do next.

So, what they do instead of fixing their marriage is they find someone who can meet their emotional needs. Someone who understands what they are going through, perhaps is even going through it as well themselves. Instead of having to deal with their marriage, they are getting their emotional needs met outside of the marriage, and it makes their marriage more tolerable.

#4 – They feel emotionally abandoned and lonely.

One of my clients had a husband who traveled all the time. He would be away for days at a time, only to come back, distracted by work and not interested in spending any time with her. She was not only lonely while he was gone, but she was lonely when he was back. They lived in the house together, going about their daily tasks, but not connecting emotionally in any way.

When my client met a man with whom she connected emotionally, it changed her life. She had believed that it was her fault that the emotion had died in their marriage and that her loneliness was the result of some kind of desperation. When she met her guy, she realized that she could still feel and that there was a man who could make her feel not so alone.

#5 – They need to numb the pain of a current trauma.

More than one of my clients has found themselves having an affair as they have gone through a period of intense trauma. One of my clients’ mothers was dying slowly of cancer. She spent a ton of time in the hospital with her mother, watching her be sick. She spent a lot of time on her own, wondering what she was going to do without her mother. While she had to go about her daily tasks because of her husband and her children, she was feeling empty.

When she met a man while watching her son’s hockey game, their small talk took her out of her life. She sought him out at games and talking to him allowed her to  forget what she was struggling with daily and lean into someone who made her feel something other than pain. Once again, the dopamine that was created from the connection that she had with a man who was not her husband helped her let go of the pain, if only for a few hours.

#6 – They feel heard and understood for the first time in a long time.

Marriages are long and hard. We always try very hard to keep them healthy, but it can be very difficult.

Many people embark on affairs after spending a period of time talking to their soon-to-be affair partners. Perhaps they have met at the office, and over time, have confided in each other about things that they struggle with. Perhaps they are parents of their kids friends and spend a lot of time with each other, and have developed a very deep friendship. What happens is, for the first time in a long time, they feel listened to and heard. And this feeling is very compelling and addictive. This feeling heard and understood makes them fall in love with this person, and, sometimes before they know it, they slide into an affair.

#7 – They are addicted to the affair and can’t let it go.

The number one reason why people have a hard time letting go of an affair is because they are addicted to it. Much like drugs, or ice cream, once they get a taste, they can’t let it go.

When they are put in a position where they must let go of their affair, they go into deep withdrawal. Even though they might have been miserable in the affair, which made them break up with their affair partner, the pain that they feel when they don’t get that dopamine rush, when they don’t hear their partners voice, when they don’t have the physical intimacy that they love, is intolerable. This leads them to go back to their partner, and the cycle begins again.

Understanding why people cheat is a hard thing to do for someone who hasn’t been there.

Affairs seem to be the tawdry things that we read about in books and see in movies. But, in fact, they’re more complicated than that. They are, more often than not, not the result of needing sex, but the result of trying to fill some emotional void in their lives, to give themselves hope for the future, to make them feel like a person again. And, unfortunately, their addiction makes it impossible for them to let go and so they are stuck in the cycle of a relationship that, eventually, makes everything that they struggle with worse.

A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

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A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

Truly, I don’t believe there’s anything worse than a broken heart. Having to let go of someone who you loved, with whom you had dreams of a future together, can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do

Healing from heartbreak is a process, a one step at a time, one day at a time process. I know right now the whole idea seems daunting, but you can get past this heartbreak. After all, no one ever died of a broken heart. And, you have most likely survived a broken heart before and you will survive it again.

To help you in your efforts, let me share a step-by-step guide on how to heal after heartbreak so that you can rebuild your life and move on.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The most important part of healing after heartbreak is to feel your feelings.

In this country, its almost a badge of honor to be strong in the face of heartbreak, to suck it up and not express the feelings that we are feeling. It’s important that you not just be strong and suck up your feelings if you want to heal from a broken heart.

I would encourage you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Feel them deeply and then work to let them go. That way, your emotions won’t get stuck in your body and you will have an easier time healing.

The important thing is to feel your feelings deeply, but don’t wallow them for very long. There will be an intense period of pain, maybe a few weeks or a few months, but it’s important that you don’t let those feelings drive your decisions going forward. Some of the painful feelings might still be there, but it’s important that you not let them run your life.

#2 – Don’t seek closure.

Seeking closure is a complete waste of time and will only hold you back from your healing.

I believe closure is a myth. It’s just an excuse to spend one more moment with your person, hoping things will turn out differently. Unfortunately, this never works. Things might turn out differently after a closure conversation but chances are another break up will follow sooner or later nonetheless.

A key part of healing is not having contact with your person. Every time you hear their voice or see their face it’s going hold you back from healing, maybe even put you back to square one. So, don’t seek closure. Chances are you know exactly what happened in your relationship and you have talked about it more time than once. You’re not going learn anything new if you try for closure.

#3 – Block them.

I know the idea of blocking your ex fills you with anxiety. After all, if you block them, how will they ever reach out to you if they want to get back together? How will you ever be able to reach them if you need them?

I get this! They are your ex and you have been with them for a long time and the idea of not being in contact with them is scary.

But what I can promise you is that, if you block them, you will heal faster. Neither one of you will have an opportunity to reach out to each other and start the cycle of break ups again. You will both be given the opportunity to feel your feelings and move on.

I know that it will be hard but you can do it!

heal after heartbreak

#4 – No stalking!

One of the things that will damage your healing after a heartbreak is stalking your person on social media. Going on their social channels and seeing what they’re up to. Much like being in touch with them on your phone or seeking closure, seeing your person on social media will set you back.

You might see them going on with their life. You might see a quote that talks about the magic of freedom. You might even see them with another person. All these things can be devastating.

Remember, what people post on social media is not the truth. What people post on social media is the best version of their lives, sometimes even a version of their lives they post on purpose to mess with their ex.

So, much like blocking your person on your phone, unfriend or unfollow your ex on social media. You’ll be glad you did.

#5 – Make a list of all the things that were wrong.

When we break up with someone, all of the things that were struggles in the relationship are quickly forgotten. What is left are the memories of the good times, memories that will makes us want to get back together with our ex.

I remember regretting breaking up with an ex so much that I almost called him. One day I was reading my journal and remembered that he never listened to me. That he always interrupted me. Reading these words made me remember why we needed to break up.

I encourage everyone who wants to heal after heartbreak to keep a list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. I know that you might think that nothing was wrong, that your relationship was perfect, but if you sit down and really think about it you will find that are plenty of things that can be added to this list.

If you keep this list growing, when you are feeling like you need closure or want to unblock them, you can refer to it and remember why this relationship was an unhealthy one and one you should not return to.

#6 – Move things around.

I have a client who has finally blocked her married man. It’s incredibly hard for her and she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.

One thing she says is that he is in every corner of her house, that wherever she turns, she sees something that reminds her of him. To fix that, I encouraged her to move things around in her home.

I encouraged her to box up everything that is his and put it away or have him come get it (when she isn’t home, of course). I also encouraged her to rearrange furniture and move photographs. Doing these things will shift up the energy in the house and give her some hope for the future, instead of being tied to the past.

#7 – Get off the couch.

I know I told you to feel your feelings, and that is important. And for many people feeling their feelings, involves ice cream on the couch in front of “Love is Blind.” And this is okay, at least for a time. If you get too attached to your couch, however, not only will you start to feel bad about yourself, but you won’t be able to heal. You will get stuck in your feelings, maybe even making them worse.

So, spend a little bit of time on the couch but then get off it. Just go for a walk. Or clean the dishes. Or spend time with friends.

The couch is a really comfy place but not someplace from where you can truly heal.

#8 – Spend time with people you who love you.

A key part of healing after heartbreak is spending time with people who love you.

One of the things that happens in an unhappy relationship is that people lose a sense of who they are. When they are rejected by someone else, they believe themselves to be unlovable.

Spending time with people who love you will help you remember that you are lovable and worthy of love.

So get out there and visit family, go to the movies with a friend, connect with someone from your past. Spend time with whomever will make you feel loved. After all, you are lovable, and you deserve love as much as any one else.

#9 – Plan something fun.

Another client who is going through a break up is really struggling with seeing any positive thing in her future. It’s hard for her to believe that she’ll ever find someone again or that she will ever feel happy again. And I get that. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s really hard to have hope for the future.

I always encourage my clients to make a plan for the future, something that they can look forward to. Maybe it’s just going to get a massage or finally seeing that Broadway show that they have always wanted to see. Or it could be something bigger. After my divorce, I decided that I needed to go to Peru and I did! Planning was really fun and I had a huge sense of accomplishment after climbing mountain at 17000 feet. It made me feel wonderful about myself, a feeling I hadn’t felt for a while.

#10 – Tip toe back into dating.

I know right now you’re feeling incredibly lonely and hoping that you can get into another relationship as soon as possible. And I get that. After a break up, we feel so lonely and will give anything to move on and find love.

But getting into a relationship right away is the worst thing that you could do as far as healing from heartbreak.

That being said, I do encourage people to get back into dating when they are ready. Not to seek a new relationship, but to remember what it’s like to date. To get out there and flirt and talk to people and get a lay of the land.

That way, when they’re ready to find a new relationship, they will have already flexed their dating muscles, and will have a better chance of finding the person with whom they can live happily ever after.

#11 – Get some help.

This step is one that many people who are going through a break up think is not necessary. After all, they have their friends and family to process the break up and to help them move on.

I always push back on this.

Of course your friends and family can be incredibly supportive. They love you and are always in your corner. That being said, your friends and family can bring their own stuff into their support. Perhaps they didn’t like your ex and are happy to put them down and celebrate you leaving them. Or perhaps they have recently been through a break up and want to equate your heartbreak with theirs.

If you seek professional help, this won’t happen. A relationship coach will be someone who has helped many people get through heartbreak and come out the other side. They will not be someone who will bring their own agenda into your healing.

So, reach out to a professional, like me! to help you truly heal from your heartbreak so you’re ready to move on and find love.

So there you go – a step-by-step guide to healing from heartbreak.

I know that right now it feels like you will never be happy again, but I can promise you that you will. The key part is not to run from the pain of your past relationships into a new one. It’s important to go through the steps to heal so that you don’t bring any of your past stuff into a new relationship so you can get your happily ever after.

I know you can do this and that things are going to be okay!

The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are considering getting into an affair with a married man, there are some things that you should know, namely that the feelings that you are having right now, feelings of love and anticipation, are not the only emotions that you will feel as the affair goes on.

I know that the idea of having an affair is complex – guilt at the infidelity but also excitement about the new feelings that you are feeling. You should know that, unfortunately, those feelings of guilt will never go away and that excitement will turn to misery.

As someone who has been there, and someone who has coached dozens of women who are having an affair, let me share will you the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

#1 – You will feel intense joy, joy that you have never felt before.

Am I right? Are you feeling joyful, perhaps in a way that you have never felt before?

Have you met this wonderful man and grown to believe that you are soul mates and that there has never been a love like this in the world? Are you wondering how you have gotten through your life without the love of this man?

Women who fall in love with married men feel an intense amount of joy as the falling happens. While the reason for this might seem because they have found their perfect match, what it really is is the release of those “feel good” chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals that are released at the beginning of every relationship.

So, know that those feelings that you are feeling aren’t necessarily the feelings of finding a soul mate but just feelings that every other woman at the onset of a relationship feels.

#2 – You will feel hopeful, perhaps for the first time in a long time.

I know that when I had fell in love with a married man I, for the first time in a long time, felt hopeful. I had been divorced for six years. I had dated a myriad of men, none of whom stuck. When my college crush reappeared, I thought that I was going to finally live happily ever after.

That sense of hopefulness was delicious but, unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

#3 – You will feel wicked, an emotion that might cause you internal conflict.

According to clinical psychologist Max von Sabler, when people do something that they know is “bad,” they experience something called “cognitive dissonance,” namely holding two conflicting beliefs or values at once. This cognitive dissonance can cause us to do things that we know aren’t great for us – like having an affair.

The reasons that we do these things are myriad. Sometimes we do them for immediate gratification over long term health. Sometimes, when we do something “bad,” our body releases dopamine, a reward response that makes us want more. Sometimes we do something “wrong” because of trauma that we have had in our past.

Regardless of the cause, feeling wicked is an emotion that will cause you some mental anguish and, when those emotions appear, it will be the moment where the cycle of emotions flips from very good to very bad.

#4 – You will feel jealousy, jealousy that he goes home to someone else.

Right now, you might be feeling like your person loves you more than anyone else in the world, especially more than his wife. After all, they supposedly live separate lives, they never have sex, they fight all the time and the marriage is effectively over. Supposedly.

As time goes on, in spite of his declarations of love and his repeated promises, he will choose his wife over you every time. His wife will be his priority. His wife will be the one who he goes home to every night.

So remember, while you might feel sure of his love now, you will question that emotion as time goes on.

#5 – You will feel anxiety, anxiety that he will never leave his wife.

I know that when I was having an affair with a married man I lived in a state of constant anxiety. I spent all of my time  wondering if he had “had the talk” with his wife. If he had told her that he was leaving her. I wondered if he loved me. I wondered why he would make me promises that he wouldn’t keep. All of those worries took over my life, ultimately making me feel unloved and unworthy.

#6 – You will feel a lack of trust because of his continued broken promises.

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, “trust is embedded in every fiber of a relationship.”

A lack of trust is born of betrayal, something that your married man does every time that he makes promises but doesn’t keep them. When people feel betrayed, particularly over and over, they no longer trust their person to keep them safe and this, over time, erodes the relationship.

#7 – You will feel unimportant as he continues to not prioritize you.

Much like your married man choosing his wife over you more often than not, he will also not prioritize you over most aspects of his life.

Your man will choose his kids’ soccer games, his work events, taking his dog to the vet, spending time with his extended family over you. Even worse, as he is doing these things, he will tell you that you are his priority – something that he might believe but that is obviously a lie.

Feeling unimportant will ultimately erode your self esteem, leaving you wondering why you aren’t worthy of someone picking you first. I know that when I was having an affair, after a year I was a shell of myself. Always being second destroyed my self-esteem, making me questions my worthiness in every aspect of my life.

#8 – You will feel hopeless because all the hope you felt at the beginning will be gone.

Remember at the beginning of this article I spoke of the hope that you would feel if you got into a relationship with a married man – hope that you had found the happiness and love that you had dreamed of?

Unfortunately, over time, as a married man repeated breaks his promises and always puts you second, that sense of hope will not only disappear but a sense of hopelessness will replace it, a hopelessness that will be more intense than any that you have ever felt before.

You will feel hopeless that you will never be with your married man (and questioning if you should be with a man who treats you the way he does). You will feel hopeless that you will ever find someone who can truly love you.  You will feel hopeless because you feel like no man could ever replace the married man you love so much.

All of that wonderful hope that you felt in the beginning will be gone, replaced with the feeling that you will never be happy again.

# 9 – You will feel abandoned because he will never leave his wife.

This is the most notable emotion that you will feel in the cycle of your affair – abandonment.

I know that you have not yet given up hope that your married man will leave his wife – your emotions are winning the battle over your brain on this topic.

But, let me tell you – your married man will NEVER leave his wife. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his kids, wrecking his finances and perhaps damaging his social life. And no man is going to do that.

I have a client whose married man told her he was going to leave his wife. He even got an apartment. And, when his wife found out about his affair partner, she gave him 90 days to figure out what he wanted – his affair partner or his family. Ultimately, he chose his family, leaving my client with a sense of abandonment that devastated her.

So, there you go – the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I know that right now it all feels like sunshine and roses but I want to make sure that you know going in that that sunshine will turn to storm clouds and those roses will bare their thorns.

You will not live happily ever after with this man – that I can promise you.

11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

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11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

Relationship are complicated. While the falling-in-love part is easy and fun, maintaining that love can be a challenge. A challenge whose outcome can be wonderful but a challenge nonetheless.

Many people don’t know that taking care of each other’s well being is a key part of that challenge and that doing so effectively can keep a relationship strong. Notably, people are often aware of the importance of taking care of each other and yet can be paralyzed as to what exactly it is that they should do.

To that end, let me share 11 ways that you can take care of your partner’s well being, and they can take care of yours, and keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Learn each other’s love language – and use them.

For those of you who don’t know about love languages, it’s time to learn. There is a reason that I put them first on this list – they are that important.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages – physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. For each person, these love languages are ranked most important to least important. The most important one is the language that makes that person feel loved.

The key to these love languages is that people often give to their partner the thing that makes them feel loved and not the thing that their person needs to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and fissures in relationship can be the result.

Take this quiz and learn your partners love language – you will be glad you did!

#2 – Recognize that mistakes they make aren’t necessarily tied to their feelings for you.

Have you heard (or said) this phrase at any time in your relationship – “If you loved me you would…”? Probably yes.

One of the most insidious things in relationships is that people, particularly women, often take things personally; they believe that their person’s actions are tied to whether or not they love them.

I have a client whose husband promised to look at the windows for their new addition on his way home from work. He didn’t.  He got distracted at the end of his day and just forgot. She was furious and took it as a sign that he didn’t love her. Which was NOT true – he just forgot.

So, recognize that, in spite of behavior that might upset you, your person’s actions aren’t necessarily tied to the amount of love they have for you.

#3 – Be interested in their interests, even if you aren’t really interested.

When people first meet, they make a huge effort to get to know the things that their partner is interested in. For me with my husband, it was steam engines, something that had literally never crossed my mind before I met him. I spent a ton of time going to steam engine events, which were interesting but the real reason that I went was to spend time with my guy.

As the years have passed, I don’t go to steam engine shows with my husband. Even though they are important to him, pretending interest in them to me seems like a waste of time – I would rather be doing something that interests me.

But, I know that I should still be interested in them, for HIM. He really appreciates my interest and loves that I share them with him. So, I do it. And it’s great, for both of us.

#4 – Don’t be passive aggressive.

One of the things that can cause the most damage in a relationship is passive aggression.

Chris Getman, writing for The Agency Arsenal, shared signs of passive aggression as defined by experts. A partial list of those signs include giving backhanded compliments, making wistful comments, playing the victim, not letting things go, sulking, and giving the silent treatment.

The thing is, passive aggression will never make a couple stronger, especially if it used as a means to communicate about issues in a relationship. Not only is it a highly ineffective method of communication, it is one that, if used regularly, will slowly erode the health of any relationship.

take care of each other's feelings

#5 – Celebrate their successes, big and small.

Again, when we first get into a relationship, we are happy to celebrate our partner’s accomplishments. After all, we love them dearly and are so happy when they are doing well.

Unfortunately, as relationships go one, people get apathetic. While they might see that their partner is doing something that merits celebration, and they are happy for them, they might fail to celebrate them, even just with words of recognition. As a result, a partner can feel alone in their success, something that doesn’t feel very good.

So celebrate your partners successes, the big ones and the small.

#7 – Remember, no one means to hurt someone else.

It is rare in a relationship that one person sets out to hurt the other person. After all, with a few exceptions (namely passive aggressive people), no one wants to hurt someone else, especially someone they care about.

When your partner hurts you, for reasons big and small, try to remember that what has happened is most likely a mistake, not something that was premeditated to cause you pain. If we get to the point in a relationship that we feel like our person is out to hurt us, it’s hard to feel safe. And this lack of safety is a key factor in the demise of many a relationship.

#8 – Acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are authentic.

Be honest. Does your partner sometimes try to tell you how they are feeling and do you scoff and tell them that they are wrong to feel that way? That if they could just see things from your point of view they would feel differently? Or perhaps that their feelings aren’t authentic and that they are trying to manipulate you?

More often than not, when someone expresses their feelings, they are expressing how they truly feel. They might not be very good at expressing these feelings but they are feelings that they are feeling. In a healthy relationship, their partner will listen to the expression of these feelings and recognize their authenticity. They might not agree with them, but they won’t tell them that they are wrong.

So, next time your partner shares their feelings, tell them that you hear them. Making your partner feel heard is a key to keeping your relationship happy!

#9 – Don’t take each other for granted.

This is a big one that happens in relationships – that we start to take each other for granted.

I know that, when I was married and my ex and I were having struggles, I always just took it for granted that we would have time “later” to figure things out; that he would always be there. And I was wrong. Because I took him for granted, when “later” came, it was too late.

Be honest with yourself. Do you take your partner for granted? Do you take the things that they do for you for granted? Do you give them the attention that they need and deserve for their presence in your life? If not, give them that attention. Let them know how much you appreciate them.

#10 – Give them space to flourish.

In many relationships, couples become so entwined in each other’s lives that each of them slowly loses a sense of themselves, of who they were before they became a couple. And, because of this, they stop flourishing individually, something that is one of the keys to individual happiness.

It is important that each partner give the other person the opportunity to pursue their own interests, to do the things that they love to do, the things that give them joy.

Many people believe that a happy couple is one who spends all of their time together. I have a friend who I hadn’t seen for years whose husband always posts happy pictures of them on Facebook, so I assumed she was happy. When I saw her recently I learned the truth – she was miserable. She still loved her husband but being with him every minute of every day was just too hard for her.

So, give each other some space. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

#11 – Don’t forget the importance of physical touch.

According to the health and wellness experts at Carl Todd Clinics, physical touch is a key to a happy life. When someone is not getting touched, they are experiencing something that they call “physical touch starvation.” When this occurs, people can become depressed, anxious and lonely. Obviously, in a relationship, this kind of starvation is not good.

Physical touch produces “feel good” chemicals in our body, like oxytocin and dopamine, ones that can help reduce loneliness and improve mental health.

It’s important to remember that physical touch is not just about sex. It can be hugs or holding hands or patting someone on the butt. All of these things create good feelings, ones that can only make a relationship better.

So there you go – 11 ways couples can take care of each other’s well being and keep their relationship strong.

Good for you for reading this far. I know that you want to make sure that your relationship is strong and healthy and that it will last a lifetime.

So, go for it! You can do it!

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