9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

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9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

I would say that, without exception, when I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, she tells me that she can’t because its “harsh.” That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. Is that a word that rings true with you?

And I get it. We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. BUT, there is a reason why we find ourselves in a place where we should block someone – because they have hurt us over and over.

That being said, while my clients say that they don’t want to be harsh, I know that they also don’t want to block their ex; they want to leave the door cracked open for getting back together. This is especially true for women who are dating married men – they don’t really want to break up with them but do try so, hoping it will change the outcome.

So, whether you don’t want to block someone because you don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to block them because you are holding out hope for a different ending, it is important to know that blocking your ex will save your sanity. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road.

So, why will blocking your ex save your sanity? Let me share.

#1 – You won’t get your fix and then have it taken away. Over and Over.

I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. She really wants to do it but she tells me that she just can’t block him now. I told her that I would support her but that the only way that she will truly be able to let go of him is if she blocks him.

A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.

She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him, and they talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had gotten a taste of him and he was gone again.

This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. She was alternately elated and completely destroyed. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are now back together.

She told me that she had to do it to save her sanity. That he was making her crazy and she needed the pain to stop. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t. If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.

#2 – He won’t have an opportunity to wiggle his way back in.

It is truly amazing to me what married men do when their lover tries to break up with them. They initially agree that it is the best thing as he knows that they is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.

You see, a married man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to stay married for all the reasons and he wants his affair partner to make his life a better place. So, while his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.

So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his lover is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.

#3 – You won’t need to be strong – your phone will do it for you.

Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.

Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful, falling in love, both in person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.

Now its time to use that phone for good. If you can block your guy, you won’t have to worry about being strong.  You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking him back. If he can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear his voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.

#4 – He won’t be able to wound you with his words.

Be honest – doesn’t your guy, particularly if he is a married one, more often than not, make you feel sad with his words.

Does he declare that he loves you, that you are his soul mate, that he has never had a love like he has with you and then, in the same breath, say that he will never leave his wife and his family?

Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with him over and over, trying to get a different outcome?

Or, if you do manage to try to break up with him, does he repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?

Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block him!

#5 – You won’t have to say good bye over and over.

I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”

This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.

I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. (Which, as my regular readers know, is a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time) Anyway, what happened when she went to see her married guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.

So, if you block your guy, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!

#6 – He won’t be able to make you feel guilty.

This is something that I recently realized was a thing – especially with married man – that a guy would make his lover feel guilty for leaving him.

One of my clients told me that she knows, because they still talk, that he is hurting and that she can’t cut him off completely because she wants to be there for him. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.

But, the reason that he is hurting is OF HIS OWN MAKING. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could make the choice to choose her but he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her – its on him!

So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease his, as you always do.

#7 – You will rebuild your self-esteem.

One thing that happens when women repeatedly try, and fail, to break up with their guy, is that they start to lose faith in themselves and it damages their self-esteem.

Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.

That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!

#8 – He will see that you really mean it this time.

For many of my clients, they have broken up with their married man over and over. The man pushes back a bit but knows exactly how to get them back – with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.

If you can manage to block him, your married man, and an ex, will see that you are serious. That he won’t be able to do the things that he has done to get you back. That, this time, you might actually walk away.

And yes, while that might cause him pain, it is exactly what he needs. He needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. He needs to know that you won’t take his empty promises again. He needs to know that he hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.

Blocking your guys sense him a message, that it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting him go.

#9 – You will finally be able to move on and have a new life.

So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling when they are away from their guy. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him too. And that pain is pain that will never go away. Break up pain will fade but if you are being hurt regularly, you will just continue to suffer.

If you can block your guy, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your guy and that you will ever be happy again. BUT YOU WILL AND CAN.

And, if you block him you will have the best chance to get that life. A life full of friends and success at work and self confidence and, maybe, even love.

You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away!

So there you go, 9 reasons why blocking your ex will save your sanity.

Sanity. This is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right guy for you is all about. The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.

I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again – the ONLY way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block him. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy, particularly her married guy, if she fails to block him!

You can do this – you are a woman after all!

11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken So You Can Get the Love You Want

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11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken

I say this over and over but it is true every time – there is literally nothing worse than a broken heart.

Waking up in the morning, happy for a moment until you realize what has happened. The physical pain that one feels from the loss. The profound disappointment. The fears for the future that they will never be loved again. All of those things are incredible overwhelming and makes one feel like they will never be happy again.

Well, let me tell you, in spite of what some novels and movies might tell you, no one dies of a broken heart. No one. And you won’t either.

The key is, instead of focusing on your broken heart, focusing on healing. I know it might seem like an impossible task but you can do it!

To that end, let me share with you 11 ways to heal when your heart is truly broken!

#1 – Feel the feelings…

One thing that many people try to do is to push down their feelings when their heart is broken.

After all, feeling ones feelings tends to lead to pain and pain is one of those things that we are biologically wired to not avoid.

Many people want to “tough it out,” to not let their ex have the satisfaction of their pain. Or perhaps they have been taught to never reveal their feelings and so they stuff them down. Or perhaps the pain the feelings cause is just too intense and unbearable. For whatever reason, people don’t face their feelings head on after a break up.

But, not feeling your feelings won’t help you heal. Pushing down your feelings will only get them stuck in your body where they will fester and make things worse for you. It is important that you feel your feelings, feel the pain, and then consciously let them go.The feelings won’t go away but I can promise you that, with time, the pain will lessen and you will feel better.

And that is how you start to heal.

#2 – …but don’t let them consume you.

For those of you who feel your feelings deeply, who aren’t scared of the pain and let their feelings become an integral part of their lives after a break up, I encourage you to stop!

Feeling ones feelings is one thing, and a very important thing, but letting those feelings take over your life will only hold you back from healing.

I always recommend that my clients let themselves truly embrace their broken heart for a short period of time, perhaps a few weeks. After that, it is important that those feelings not be what drives you. That they are there, in the background, but that you are living your life in spite of them.

There is nothing that will hold back healing more than allowing those feelings to overwhelm you. To spend all of your time in your head, replaying what has happened over and over, feeling sorry for yourself and angry at the world. Instead, if you can pick your head up, recognize that you will be okay and take steps out of the world of constant pain, you will give your body, and you mind, the chance to heal.

#3 – Block them, unfriend them, unfollow them.

I am sure that you are thinking that blocking, unfriending or unfollowing your ex is “very harsh.” I hear this all the time, especially from women, that they feel like they are being unkind if they do those things. They also feel like if they do those things, their relationship is truly over, that their ex will never be able to reach them if they want to get back together.

And I get that but, if you don’t take this step, you will never get over your broken heart. Never.

A big part of healing when your heart is broken is to cut off contact with your ex. Its important that they not be able to reach out to you, to have “closure” or to “be friends” or to manipulate your emotions in any way. If they can do that, they will set you back big time and only make the pain worse.

Its the same with seeing what your ex is doing on social media. I have many clients who just “take a peek” figuring how bad could it be. And after they see their ex, and they get that shot of dopamine, they only revert back to the intense pain, sometimes even worse.

Why? Because they see their ex getting on with their lives, seemingly not hurting at all after the break up, maybe even hanging out with someone new. All of those things will only make you feel more heartbroken and like their ex never cared for you at all.

Remember, people only post their best selves on social media, especially if they guess that their ex will check them out. They want people to see that their lives are exciting and their exes to see that they have moved on. But all of those things are illusions. Yes, someone might be living their lives but behind the scenes they too are dealing with life and the pain of a break up.

So, don’t ever look at an ex on social media, even “just a peek.” It will only hold you back from the peace that you are seeking after your break up.

#4 – Don’t waste time reinforcing your feelings on social media.

Have you spent a ton of time online, researching what it means to be a narcissist? Do find yourself on TikTok, watching videos of women going through break ups, them talking about how horrible their ex is and how they got gaslit? Do you try to find inspirational posts but only focus on things that reinforce how bad you are feeling?

I get that. Its always nice to be with people who are hurting in a similar way that you are. BUT, being around other hurting people on social media is different. These people are not your friends. They do not know your situation. They are just speaking, in a void, about their own experiences and what they think you should do.

And, rarely, do people who are on social media talk about how happy they are. Sure, they are out there, but the algorithm will drive the unhappy ones to your feed because unhappiness drives clicks.

Like everything, moderation is the key. Of course, spend a short period to time scrolling, perhaps the same amount of time that you are deeply feeling your feelings but then put down your phone. If you must be on your phone, seek out inspirational sharing – stories of people who have made it out the other side.

It is important that you stop looking back and holding on to your anger and hurt. Instead, look forward to a time and place where you can be happy, and use social media to help you get the tools to get there.

#5 – Make a list of the issues in the relationship.

This is a very important one – making a list of the things that were an issue in the relationship.

When we get out of a relationship, it is very easy to forget all the things that were wrong with it. And, before you tell me that there was nothing wrong with your relationship – that it was perfect – think twice. Of course there was something wrong with it. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

And, because we forget all the bad things that happen in a relationship, we tend to get nostalgic, remembering only the good things, and that causes us to self-sabotage. To perhaps do some social media stalking. Perhaps reach out to an ex, getting the break up cycle revved up again. Things that definitely won’t help us move forward.

So, get out a pen and paper (use paper – you can keep it close) and make a list of the things that were wrong in the relationships, the times you felt hurt or ignored or slighted. I think that you will find that once you get started, you will have an easy time making the list. Continue to add to it as more things come to you.

And, once you have your list (ever growing perhaps) keep it close to you so that you can refer to it regularly. If you are reminded about the truth of your relationship you are less like to go back to it and more likely to move forward and heal.

#6 – Get off the couch.

Perhaps you are reading this from the couch? Or your bed? Or some other place where you are prone, depressed, sad and lonely.

Of course you are.  Your heart is broken and you just can’t get up and go.

And, I get that!!! But, don’t let yourself get stuck to your couch for long. It will only set you back in your healing process.

Of course, much like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, spending some time on the couch when you are heartbroken is part of the process. Its impossible to go from heartbroken to fine in the flick of a switch. But, like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, its important that you, fairly quickly, get off the couch and out in the world.

It doesn’t have to be a big effort – maybe just getting off the couch to take a shower. Or go for a walk. Perhaps it can be a bit more – maybe a movie with a friend or a drink with your sister.  Whatever would be the thing that will get you off the couch and back out into the world.

The couch is a cozy place but it’s not a place where you will find healing. That is out there in the world and you will only find it through motion.

#7 – Dig into something that will keep your mind occupied.

The last time I had a broken heart, I was devastated. And all I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. And I did that, for a while.

But when I got up I decided that I had to do something. I could continue going on with my life – seeing friends, walking my dog, kind of life coaching – or I could dig into something that would give my life some purpose and keep my mind occupied.

So, I decided to build my business. I buckled down and built my website and started blogging and putting myself out there for free sessions. I worked my butt off, striving to build a business that would take me into the rest of my life and not keep me looking backwards.

And, while I still suffered, the pain was lessened as I found success until, sooner than later, I had a thriving business and a wonderful new boyfriend.

What would be a good thing for you to dig into?

#8 – Don’t play the victim – embrace your power.

This is something that people do all the time when their heart is broken – they play the victim card.

The act like they were wronged. That they were perfect in the relationship and that their partner was incredibly stupid to have left them. That their suffering is worse than any other suffering ever. That they have been wronged and nothing will ever repair them.

It is important that, when you have a broken heart, instead of playing the victim, you embrace your power. That you take a good hard look at your role in the end of the relationship and that you work to make change for yourself. Don’t let someone else dictate how you are feeling or how you react. Take charge of your life and make it be your best one.

I played the victim when my ex-husband left me for another woman until I came to my senses and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage. This sped up my healing big time!

#9 – Shift your energy.

One small thing that people can do when they are broken hearted is to shift up their energy.

Instead of living in space that they used to share with someone, I encourage people to change the space. To get rid of anything that reminds them of their ex. To move furniture and decorations around where possible. To perhaps throw out old bedding and towels and buy new.

I also encourage people to walk, or drive, a different way home. To go to new restaurants and coffee shops. To create new weekend rituals. To do things differently than they used to do things with their ex.

The goal in doing all of this is to shift up your energy – to block the negative energy and allow new, positive energy to flow. I know that it sounds new-agey but it really works. Out with the old, negative energy and in with the new.

#10 – Think about past breakups.

I am guessing that you have been broken hearted before (and yes, probably even as broken hearted as you are now although you refuse to believe it). And, I am guessing that, because you are newly broken hearted, you moved on from that last relationship into this new one. And, just like last time, you will recover again.

And, because you have survived a break up before, you have some tools in your tool belt that helped you get through those dark times. Can you think about those times and dig them out again? Often times, what works for us once will work for us again!

#11 – Believe that you will be happy, and loved, again!

I am sure that right now, even after reading this list, you are feeling like you will never be happy again, that no one will ever love you again.

And I can promise you that THIS JUST ISN’T TRUE.

Just because some bozo didn’t see the value in you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. This break up was a gift – you didn’t have to waste even one more minute on someone who wasn’t the right person for you.

If you can get yourself up off the couch, not dwelling in the past but looking to the future, there is no reason at all why you won’t be able to find your person. After all, they are out there, going through own shit, becoming the person they will be when you finally meet.

I just know it!

7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

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7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

I wish I could say that boyfriends who break their promises are a rare thing but I am afraid that they are not. I have many, many clients who come to me, frustrated that they can’t trust their boyfriends to do what they say they are going to do and not sure what to do about it.

Of course, boyfriends don’t always repeatedly break their promises with malicious intent. Often times, they worry that they will let their girlfriends down and so, in the moment, make a promise that they know they won’t keep. Either way, though, they end up breaking their promises, disappointing their girlfriends, to say the least.

So, how do you deal with a boyfriend who keeps breaking his promises? Let me give you some suggestions.

#1 – Don’t make excuses for his behavior.

Many of my clients make excuses for why their boyfriend when they lie. Perhaps their boyfriend had to prioritize work and could not do what he said he would do. Perhaps he didn’t understand what he had promised. Perhaps you had asked too much of him. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Whatever there reason for his behavior, don’t justify it away. No one, man or woman, should break their promises. If a girlfriend repeatedly broke their promises would you justify it away or would consider letting them go as a friend because they continue to let you down?

If you continue to justify his behavior, even as he continues to break his promises over and over, it will just lead to you feeling badly about yourself because you will believe, every time, that if he loved you he would keep his promises so he must not.

#2 – Stop believing that he is ever going to keep his promises.

Wishful thinking is something that can cause big time destruction in a relationship. In this case, the wishful thinking is that your boyfriend will stop his behavior out of nowhere, will start keeping all of his promises and your problem will be solved.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. If a man is in the habit of breaking promises over and over, and he gets away with it, he has no reason to change. He will continue to do what he does.

If you are going to continue to be in this relationship, it will be important for you to accept that he won’t ever keep his promises. Why? For two reasons.

The first is that you won’t feel let down. If you accept that the promises that he makes are empty, then you won’t feel let down when things don’t happen.

The second is that, if you accept that this behavior will be ongoing, you won’t ask him to make you any promises. You will just do what you have to do to get things done, leaving him on the sidelines to do his own thing.

I am not advocating accepting that he will always break his promises. Ultimately, you will find this unsustainable and painful but it is an option should you choose to stay in the relationship.

boyfriend repeatedly breaks his promises

#3 – Try to get him to talk about why he does what he does.

It is important that you and your boyfriend have a dialogue about why he breaks his promises. Doing so will calling him out on his behavior and also, perhaps, lead him to reflect on why he breaks his promises over and over.

I know that my husband often breaks his promises but he does so because he doesn’t want to let me down. For weeks he promised to cut up some fallen trees and for weeks he kept putting it off with excuses. Finally, I got mad and called him out on it. He said that he was concerned that the trees weren’t on our land and that is why he didn’t want to cut them up.

If he had only told me the truth when I first asked him to cut up the trees, I wouldn’t have had the expectation that he was going to do it, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and I wouldn’t have felt let down (a feeling that is not going away).

On the other hand, my ex-husband used to break his promises all the time. While sometimes he would keep his promises, more often than not he wouldn’t. More often than not he intended to keep his promises but was just incapable of doing it, for whatever reason. This repeated breaking of promises eroded our relationship to the point that he is now my ex-husband.

So, try to talk to your boyfriend about why he does what he does. Perhaps this will help you both understand what is happening so that you can work together to make change.

#4 – Don’t let him off the hook.

Many of my clients don’t call their boyfriends out on their broken promises. Perhaps at the beginning they did, but, as time goes on, they stop doing so.

They stop doing so because they feel like a nag when they do. They are so disappointed that they don’t want to have another fight. They don’t want to give their boyfriends a reason to leave. They blame themselves for what has happened.

For whatever reason, women often let their boyfriends off the hook when they are repeatedly breaking promises. Unfortunately, the only thing that this does is encourage their boyfriend to continue breaking promises as they know that there will be no consequences if they do.

#5 – Know that its not because he doesn’t love you (most likely).

So many of my clients believe that when their partner breaks their promises it is because they don’t love them. That their actions reflect their true feelings. And while this might in fact be the case, more often than not its not.

One of my client’s husbands had promised to stop on the way home from work to look at some new windows for their house. He had to work later than he thought and he just forgot. My client took this to mean that he didn’t love her – that if he loved her he would have done what he promised.

And, in this case, it just wasn’t true. He did love her, he just forgot to do what he promised and committed to doing it the next day.

Another client had a boyfriend who was consistently letting her down, promising to spend time with her and then making excuses why he couldn’t. While he didn’t break those promises because he didn’t love her, spending time with her was not a priority for him. Because she let him get away with it, he made no effort to change. And, because she continued to let him break his promises to her, eventually he just walked away because he didn’t respect that she was such a doormat and fell in love with someone who challenged him.

So know that, most often, men don’t break their promises as a reflection of their feelings. They do it because they can.

#6 – Get help.

Many people who perpetually break promises have some kind of internal mechanism that leads them to do it. Perhaps they were always lied to as a child and its all they know. Perhaps they struggle with self esteem issues and believe that their actions aren’t important. Perhaps they tend to sabotage relationships and breaking promises has always succeeded in the past.

Whatever the reason, if your boyfriend continues to break his promises and you want to stay in the relationship, if is essential that you have some kind of couples therapy, whether with a therapist or with a life coach.

Working together with a professional will help you understand why he breaks his promises and him understand the effect that it has on you. Once you have some clarity about what the broken promises do to your relationship, you can start developing tools for how to do things differently.

Perhaps when its time for him to make a promise the two of you work together to define whether or not he thinks he can succeed at it or would it perhaps be better for you to modify the promise to something that he can do. Perhaps you talk specifically about what the best way for him to keep his promise would look like. Perhaps he could be honest with you about his ability to carry off this particular promise.

Whatever the actions that you develop might be, doing things differently is the only way that you will be able to break the cycle.

#7 – Walk away.

This is an excellent option to choose if your boyfriend lies to you over and over and over.  Just walk away.

I know that this idea feels like a kick in the teeth but the reality is is this is most likely the best option for you to be happy.

After all, in spite of everything, your boyfriend breaks his promises.  You are in a relationship with someone you can’t trust or rely on. A relationship like this is one that will never survive. After all, a relationship dies without trust.

I know that the idea of walking away is scary as hell. After all, the idea of starting to date again is abhorrent and the possibility that you will never love or be loved again seems like a reality.

Yes, dating won’t be fun but you will love and be loved again and you won’t have to deal with the daily pain of being let down, pain that is most likely getting worse every day.

So, there you go, 7 ways to deal with a boyfriend who repeatedly breaks his promises.

I know that its easy to rationalize away the fact that your boyfriend breaks his promises. After all, we are all only human and humans make mistakes. And this is true.

But, the reality is is that someone who lies to you over and over, which is what breaking a promise really is, is someone it is hard to be in a healthy relationship with. It is essential that you don’t look away from the reality of your relationship and take conscious steps to deal with it.

Only by doing so will you get your happily ever after.

The Surprising Connection Between Cheating and Attachment Styles

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The Surprising Connections Between Cheating and Attachment Styles

The reasons that people cheat are myriad. They might be unhappy, they might be depressed, they might be in constant need of something new, they might just cheat for cheating’s sake.

Some people, surprisingly, might be prone to cheating because of a specific aspect of their personality – their attachment style, the style in which they become attached to someone else.

For those who aren’t familiar with the attachment styles, according to “The Attachment Project,” there are four different kinds:

Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

Secure Attachment

Taking a look at the different attachments styles and how they might influence a person’s tendency to cheat could provide a very helpful perspective about why people cheat and perhaps help someone avoid doing so.

Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment Style

People with anxious, or preoccupied) attachment styles are people who tend to have very low self esteem. They believe themselves not worthy of love and live with a deep fear of abandonment. As a result, anxiously attached people tend to be constantly in need of reassurance about the health of a relationship. When they don’t get that reassurance, they can act out, becoming on one hand clingy or on the other dismissive.

People with anxious attachments styles tend to cheat for a number of reasons. The first is their constant need for reassurance as to the health of a relationship. If an anxiously attached person is in a relationship where they aren’t getting that constant reassurance, they might look outside of the relationship for that reassurance. An affair partner is someone who will happy to remind an anxious avoidant that they are worthy of love. After all, an affair happens inside a bubble and reassurance of this type is easy.

Another reason that someone who is anxiously attached would cheat is because they so fear being abandoned that they self sabotage and do the abandoning first. They feel like if they can step outside of a relationship, even if its one they really want, then they will save themselves from the pain that will happen if/when their person walks away.

I know that when I was younger, I was anxiously attached and I cheated on almost everyone I ever dated. I was so sure that I was going to be left because I wasn’t good enough that I did the leaving first. Unfortunately, the cheating only made my anxious attachment tendencies worse because, every time I cheated, I just felt worse about myself.

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment Style

A person with an avoidant, or dismissive attachment style tends to have a very high sense of self worth and a high degree of independence. Unfortunately, while these traits might seem like they would support a healthy relationship, this is not always the case. Because of their independence, avoidants hesitate to become involved with another person, one to whom they might become attached to or become dependent on. They also tend to to shy away from emotional relationships where someone might become too attached to them and need them for reassurance.

Someone who has an avoidant attachment style might cheat for a myriad of reasons. They might believe that they are worthy of love and love from as many people as want to provide it. They might believe that if they have an affair, they will become less emotionally dependent on their partner, thereby saving themselves from pain. They might believe that if they cheat, they can get the temporary emotional connection from their affair partner without having to make a strong emotional investment in their partners.

One of my clients is an avoidant who constantly cheats. He is trying to build the perfect girl for him, someone who feeds his sense of self worth and also gives him the independence he craves.  Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this, to create one person out of many and, as a result, his need to cheat is never sated.

attachment style cheating

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

People with disorganized, or fearful-avoidant, attachment styles tend to have a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. They are sometimes anxious and sometimes avoidant and not only bring conflicting behaviors in their relationships but struggle with them internally. They crave closeness but also have a hard time trusting others.

People with disorganized attachments styles often cheat because of the self-perceived ambiguity of their feelings. They struggle to understand how they feel about someone and yet yearn for closeness and at the same time are desperately afraid of being hurt so they push people away. Having an affair is the perfect situation for them because they don’t have to definitively decide what their feelings are nor do they have to put all their eggs in one basket.

Unfortunately, people who have a disorganized attachment style are never truly secure in a relationship or an affair which makes it likely that they will hop to one after another, never truly developing a healthy connection.

Secure Attachment Style

People with secure attachment styles are people who are comfortable expressing their emotions, are happy to depend on their partners and are comfortable letting their partners rely on them. While they enjoy the closeness of a healthy relationship they are also okay being on their own. They don’t seek external approval but are able to derive approval from their own sense of self worth.

Not surprisingly, people with secure attachment styles are the least likely to have an affair. Because they are capable of having an open honest relationship based on mutual respect and support, they don’t need to go outside of their primary relationship for validation or happiness. That being said, even people with relationships that seem securely attached can, over time, allow their relationships to be taken for granted. Taking a relationship for granted can lead to a sense of separateness that, in turn, can cause fissures in that relationships. While people with secure attachment styles don’t usually need to seek out validation outside of their primary relationship, these fissures can lead to an affair if an opportunity is presented.

Therefore, it is important for someone with a secure attachment style to maintain their relationship and not take it for granted that it will always be a healthy one.

So there you go – connections between cheating and attachment styles that you might not have previously been aware of.

Whatever the reason, whether you are cheating and mystified as to how you got to this place or have been cheated on and mystified as to why, understanding the ins and outs of why people cheat could help you figure out next steps.

Of course, knowing your attachment style is an excellent way to measure the likelihood that you will have an affair. Here is a quiz that will help you know yours.

Stopping infidelity before it starts is the best way to stay out of an incredibly painful and destructive situation and giving you the space to keep your primary relationship strong. Get to know yours so that you can get on the path to a healthy relationship instead of a destructive one.

When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

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When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

I hate to say it but we have all been there – in a relationship that started out wonderfully, slowly fell apart and then ended. At least, we thought it had ended until our ex called…and then called again…and then called again. Confused, not quite sure where the relationship stands, we fall back into it, hopeful. And then our ex disappears again.

Sound familiar?

If your ex is coming and going, refusing to commit to the relationship but also refusing to let go, it can be almost as devastating at a break up. Instead of ripping the break up band aid off, causing tremendous pain, the band aid is ripped off excruciatingly slowly. Instead of being left devastated but healing, we are left confused and in pain.

It is essential that, if you want to save your sanity and let go of the pain, you must have a clear understanding of what is really happening in the relationship, not one that has been convoluted by your ex’s actions and empty promises.

How to get that clear understanding? By looking out for red flags that are signaling that your relationship is over. They are there – you just have to take notice.

What kind of red flags? Let me share.

#1 – He comes and goes.

Coming and going is the first, and should be brightest, red flag that a relationship is over.

Does your ex show up, sometimes for days or weeks, only to abruptly leave again? Does he avidly engage in text conversations and then disappear? Does he promise that he will be somewhere and then not show up? Does he disappear for days, turning up eventually with empty excuses?

If this is your guy, your relationship is definitely over. Any guy who wants to be in a relationship is someone who will show up. He will want to spend time with you. He will tell you where he is or where he is going. He won’t have to make up excuses for why he disappeared.

A guy who wants to fix a relationship that is broken will show up and work like hell to do so. If your guy isn’t fighting for you, he just isn’t that into you and only comes around when he is bored or horny.

#2 – He doesn’t let you see his phone.

People who are in a healthy relationship let each other see their phones. Of course, privacy is important but so is transparency in a relationship, especially one that is broken and efforts are seemingly being made to fix it.

Why is being allowed to see your ex’s phone important? Because it is a sign of trust, in both directions. Your ex is showing you that he has nothing to hide – that perhaps his efforts to win you back are meaningful. Your ex showing you his phone gives you peace of mind; piece of mind that he isn’t hiding anything from you and that you can trust him.

Don’t let your ex tell you that you should just trust him and that his phone is private. Those are the words of someone who can’t be trusted.

#3 – You catch him in lies.

This is something that happens over and over in relationships that should have ended but didn’t  – lies, both big ones and little ones. And, because we hope to save the relationship, we are willing to accept them without question.

Be honest with yourself –  have you caught your ex in a number of lies? In even one lie? Perhaps its a lie about where he was or who he was with. Perhaps its a lie about why he can’t do something with you. Perhaps it was a lie that he couldn’t afford to pay for something. Perhaps a lie about his life status. Perhaps it was just a lie about the color of the sky – a lie just for lying’s sake.

Catching your ex in a lie is a HUGE red flag that your relationship is over.

red flags relationship is over

#4 – He tells you he is “confused” and “thinking things over.”

If there is one thing that women are really good at it is thinking things over and processing things. We have done it our whole lives and we do it every day.

For men, unfortunately, processing things can be a lot more difficult. And, if they continue to use this as an excuse why they can’t commit to you one way or another, it is a huge red flag.

Now I am not saying that men don’t think things over – of course they do. They weigh the good and bads in a situation and consider what they think their next steps should be and then they take action. So they do process, but they tend to process quicker than women do because their thinking is more black and white.

So, if your ex continues to show up and have sex with you and then disappears for days at a time and uses the excuse that he is still mulling things over, I have to tell you that he just isn’t that into you and while he might not have acknowledged it yet, the relationship is over.

My 28 year old son has been telling me for years that if a guy is “thinking things over” and “confused” it really is code for they are ready to move on. Any guys who is really into a girl knows it and takes action.

#5 – You only ever have sex.

When your ex does reach out and you reconnect do you, more often than not, just have sex?

Sure there might be some food involved and perhaps some small talk but, more often than not, do you just end up in bed? And, unless you are doing something for him, does he tend to disappear pretty quickly after that?

I am afraid that if you and your ex are only having sex, its a huge red flag that your relationship is over.

For women, sex is about connection. When we have sex with our ex we are reconnecting with them, hoping that things might be different this time around. For men, sex is less about connection than about fulfilling a physical need. And, after their needs are met, they can easily move on, leaving their reconnected ex confused and devastated.

So, if you and your ex are only having sex, don’t look at it as a deep connection that only the two of you share but as a red flag that your relationship is most likely nothing more than a physical one.

#6 – Your gut tells you so.

I know, I know. This is a hard one. After all, when our heart is involved, its very hard to listen to our gut. I know – I have been there, more than once.

But it’s very, very important that you try very hard to listen to your gut right now. It is truly your best friend in this situation.

So, be honest with yourself – is one of the reasons that you are reading this article because you know, deep down, that your relationship is over. Is your heart hoping that your gut is wrong so you stay? If you try to ignore your heart for a moment, is your gut screaming “let go”?

The reason that we have a gut is to protect us from danger. It is something we use every day of our lives – when crossing the street, making a decision at work or planning our next steps. Unfortunately, because we want things to turn out differently than the direction that they are currently on, we ignore that danger signal and proceed even though there is risk.

Don’t let this be you! Listen to what your body is telling you.

#7 – He treats you inconsiderately.

When you were first in this relationship, did your ex treat you like a queen. Did they listen to you and show up for you and take care of you and treat you with respect? Is that part of the reason that you fell in love with him?

And, how does he treat you now? Does he listen to you and show up for you and treat you, consistently, with respect? Or has he stopped paying attention and being there for you, except when he needs something?

Be honest – do you see that he is treating you with disrespect but are you remembering the way that it was in the beginning and hoping that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were then, that he will start acting the way he did then.

Well, I am sorry to tell you that things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Even if you were in a healthy relationship, the beginning is just a phase in a relationship and it will never return once its over.

It is important that you know that, if you are going to be in a relationship with this person, you are going to be in a relationship with exactly how he behaving right now. He won’t change, unless he wants to.

#8 – He is vague about the future.

The beginning of relationship is such a wonderful time. Lots of late night chats, getting to know each other, and discussing the future. Such a hopeful time, full of love and excitement.

Have things changed? Are you no longer talking about the future? Is he vague about what is next for him and you both. When you bring it up does he change the subject? Do you hope that things will change?

I am afraid that, if your guy has stopped talking about the future, he is waving a big red flag. Even though in the beginning he might have had wonderful ideas, those wishful ideas are gone and hoping that they will return will be fruitless for you.

I am so sorry, but the future that you had planned together is one that only you are holding on to.

#9 – You have to initiate things, most of the time.

In the past few days, how many times have you had to initiate a conversation with your ex? How many times have you had to reach out to see how he is doing or if perhaps you might get together? Be honest – is it more than once?

Men who want to be with a woman will initiate things – period the end. A man who is no longer all in a relationship will certainly be willing to hang out and have sex but they won’t have the motivation needed to make it happen. They will be happy to let you take the lead but will most likely only respond when there is something in it for them.

So, take stock of how much you are doing the reaching out. He isn’t not initiating because he is “confused” or “thinking about things” but because he just isn’t that interested in you.

So, there you go – 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over.

I know that these red flags can be hard to see. After all, he wants the relationship to be over but keeps showing up in one form or another and refuses to let you go. But don’t take that to mean that you have a future together.

If these red flags are flying, its time for you to walk away and find someone who can love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

You can do it!

Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

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Toxic Love: Why You Deserve Better and How to Break the Cycle

If you  are reading this article I am guessing that you are thinking that you might be in a toxic relationship and wondering if it’s time to get out of it. Good for you!

I know that its hard for you to believe right now but you don’t deserve to be in a relationship where you are mistreated. No matter what anyone might tell you, you are a person in the world who should be treated with kindness and respect.

We are all just human beings, trying to be the best person that we can be be. And we are human beings who can make mistakes in the eyes of someone else. Sometimes we do or say things that might cause upset. Sometimes we make bad judgement calls. We might spend too much money or have too much to drink or forget to run an errand. We might forget to do something that we promised to do. We are just human – we make mistakes.

And, just because we might make mistakes, that doesn’t mean that we should be physically or mentally abused. Our mistakes might be met with frustration but they should never be met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming.

Furthermore, it is important that we understand that what we don’t want done unto ourselves we should not do unto others, no matter how much we are mistreated.

If you are reading this article, chances are that you have made a mistake or too in the eyes of your partner and you have been met with anger or disdain or belittling or shaming. And, if this has been done to you over and over, you might believe that you are worthless and that you can’t do anything right and that you deserve nothing more than what you have.

Let me tell you – from someone who has been there – even if you do tend to do things that might self-sabotage or might upset someone else, that doesn’t mean that you aren’t worthy of love and respect. Period. Try to hold on to this. Its important that you do.

So, how can you break this cycle of being berated and belittled for who you are and get out of the relationship and on with your life? Here are 9 things that you can do to get you on the path out of the relationship and on to living your life again.

#1 – Know that you are worthy.

First and foremost, in order to take this big step, you must truly grasp that you are worthy of being in a relationship that is a healthy one and that feeds you instead of debases you. I know that this won’t be easy to do but I encourage you to do it.

Try to get back in touch with the person you were before the relationship, the person you were before you were treated badly. Were you a person in the world with lots of friends. Did you have a job that you loved? Did you take care of your mental and physical health? I am guessing that, before you were driven down by this relationship, there were things bout yourself and your place in the world that you were proud of. Get back in touch with them.

Also, reach out to those who love you, your friends and family. If anyone can remind you how wonderful you are and remind you why you are lovable, its them. And, if you are open to being reminded and work to accept it, it will go a long way towards you believing that you are worthy of getting out of this toxic relationship and moving on.

#2 – Identify the symptoms.

An important part of breaking the cycle of your toxic relationship and getting out of it is to truly accept that your relationship is toxic. To that end, here are a few signs that your relationship is a toxic one and getting out of it is a good idea:

  1. You don’t feel good about yourself.
  2. You are willing to accept blame for everything.
  3. Your friends and family don’t like your partner.
  4. The relationship is impacting your life in negative ways.
  5. Nothing changes in spite of promises made.
  6. You spend lots of time looking up information on toxic relationships.

Take some time and consider whether even one of the symptoms above relates to your relationship. If even one does, perhaps you can accept that your relationship is a toxic one and get more clarity about whether its time to get out.

#3 – Consider why you are staying.

Many people just don’t understand how someone can stay in a toxic relationship. After all, everyone deserves to be treated well by someone who says that they love them.

But, people stay in toxic relationships for many reasons and understanding them might help you see why you stay and that perhaps its not for the love.

  1. Your parents were in a toxic relationship so its all you know.
  2. Your past relationships might have been toxic too so you think being mistreated is normal.
  3. You feel insecure about your place in the world.
  4. You have low self-esteem and don’t believe you deserve better.
  5. You believe that if you stay and love your person enough you can fix them.
  6. You are a hopeless romantic and believe that passion in any form is a happily ever after.
  7. You have a tendency to self sabotage.

Understanding that you might stay for reasons other than love is an excellent way to get clarity around whether or not you are capable of walking away from the relationship.

#4 – Be honest with someone who loves you.

A key part of being successful removing yourself from a toxic relationship is to get support and accountability. After all, we might tell ourselves that we want to get out but we rarely do so.

Having someone who loves you know about your plan to get out will accomplish two things. The first is that someone who loves you will emphasize the importance of getting out of a toxic relationship. They will support you in your decision to get it done and how to plan for next steps. The second thing that someone who loves you will do is to hold you accountable for actually following through and getting out. It’s easy to change our mind on something that only we know is a goal – having someone else know it as well and holds us accountable for getting it done makes not doing it harder.

#5 – Commit to doing it.

To successfully do anything difficult requires a level of commitment that can be very hard to follow through with. Its very easy to tell yourself that you will stop eating ice cream or watching so much TV or staying in a toxic relationship but follow through on doing those things can be very difficult.

It is very important that, if you truly want to break the cycle and get out of your toxic relationship you must be 100% committed to doing so. What you are going to do won’t be easy – if it was going to be easy you would have done it already. And, if you tell yourself that you will go and then you don’t, you will only feel worse about yourself which will make it harder to leave.

So, before you go down this road, ask yourself how committed you are to getting it done! If you aren’t quite ready pause until you are.

#6 – Accept that you are going to have to cut off contact.

For many people in toxic relationships, they are addicted to the relationship – to the person they are in the relationship with and the drama that is is part of it. I know it seems counterintuitive but it is one of the reasons that people stay.

So, it is going to be very important that you cut off all contact with your soon-to-be ex. Much like an alcoholic needing to stop drinking completely to start to heal, so must you cut off your ex so that you can do so as well.

Cutting off your ex means two things – going no contact and disconnecting with them on social media. You are going to have to block them and commit to not stalking them.

Many of my clients say that this feels “harsh” and that they don’t want to do it. The reality is is that my clients want to keep then door open in case their person comes back, committed to change. And what happens instead is that their person comes back and the cycle repeats itself over and over.

Furthermore, it is essential that you commit to not stalking your ex, to not going on social media to see how or what they are doing. If you do so, it will most likely make you miss them and you will reach out to them and, again, the whole cycle will start over.

#7 –  Set up boundaries.

It is essential that, if you are going to successfully break the cycle that you are in in this toxic relationship, you set up boundaries.

Examples of boundaries might be:

  1. Not interacting with your ex should they reach out.
  2. No looking for closure.
  3. If you do talk, not rehashing the same old stuff over and over.
  4. Not letting your ex manipulate you like the old days.
  5. Meeting them only in a public place.

If you must interact with your ex because of kids or other considerations, boundaries might include:

  1. Not rehashing old wounds.
  2. Keeping contact business-like.
  3. Minimizing seeing each other in person.

Setting boundaries for yourself will help you clearly see what kind of things you need to get you started down the path to healing.

#8 – Don’t get too far ahead of yourself.

Many people find themselves paralyzed when considering whether or not to walk away from a toxic relationship because they get too far ahead of themselves and it makes the whole thing too daunting to manage. It is essential that, if you are going to break the cycle, you must take the process day by day.

When we get too far ahead of ourselves, we are looking to an unknown future. We are thinking that we will never love or be loved again. That we will never again see our soon to be ex and that idea is inconceivable. We think that we will destroy our finances or hurt our children or ruin our prospects. We worry about things that we have no idea whether will occur or not.

So, for now, try to focus on what’s in front of you – walking away. You might need to worry about some of the things listed above but you also might not have to. It all depends what happens as you take each step.

#9 – Get professional help.

Our friends and family are great. Truly. They only want what is best for us. That being said, many friends and family bring their own stuff into their support of you, sometimes stuff that isn’t so helpful.

Perhaps your friend had a bad encounter with your relationship partner and has particular anger towards them that isn’t productive. Perhaps they have been through a similar situation that you are going through and believe that things should be done a certain way. Or, perhaps, they don’t think that you should be doing what you are doing and will try to talk you out of it.

A professional life coach (like me!) will help you take the steps you need to successfully get out of your toxic relationship if that is what is the right move for you. I always say that I am a friend without an agenda – I will support you but I won’t bring any of my own stuff into the process. I have helped hundreds of women like you get out of a toxic relationship and onto a life of love and happiness.

I know that the idea of professional help might be daunting but it is something that could make a big difference as far as you being successful moving on.

So, there you are – 9 things that you can do to break the cycle of your toxic relationship and move forward.

I know that you might not believe that you are worthy, or capable, of taking these steps and breaking free but you ARE. You are a person in the world who deserves to be loved and love in return, in a way that only feeds the positive in your life, not the negative.

You can do this!

 

Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

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Turning Pain into Power: 10 Ways to Move On After a Breakup

There is nothing worse than a broken heart. Nothing. That feeling like your heart has been ripped out of your body and that you will never be happy again. Horrible.

The good news is that the pain that you are feeling won’t last forever. No one dies from a broken heart (I know thats hard to believe right now). Life will go on and you will be happy.

The question I always get from my clients is how long will it take to feel good again? And I tell them that it depends on how determined you are to heal and move forward – if you are ready to take action and not dwell on what happened for longer than is good for you. If you are ready to take the next steps in your recovery.

Let me share with you the things that I share with my clients so that you too can move on after a breakup and start living again!

#1 – Have NO contact. None.

I know – its incredibly hard to not see the person you have been in a relationship with, even if you did the breaking up. After all, this is a person who you cared about, someone you spent a ton of time with. The idea of not seeing them again is mind bending.

I know it sucks – it really does. But it is part of breaking up – no longer seeing that person. You have to break the patterns and that happens by not being in touch.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you “could just be friends.” Perhaps you are looking for “closure,” trying to have one more conversation about what went wrong? (Which will get you no where – closure is all about seeing your ex one more time, hoping that things will work out differently.)

Let me tell you, as a coach who has worked with people going through break ups for 10 years, that being in contact with an ex is the number one thing that holds people back from healing. As long as they are in contact, they can’t heal.

So, make sure that you have no contact with your ex – none. No social media, no driving by their house, no talking to their friends. None. And let them know that you expect them to do the same. If you are both on board, the chances of moving on are much better!

#2 –  Make a list of all the things that were problems in the relationship.

This is a very important thing to do as as soon as possible – make a list of things that were issues in your relationship. And don’t tell me that there weren’t any. If you are broken up, there were definitely some, even if you might have ignored them.

When we break up with someone and no longer have daily contact with them, we tend to forget the things that were issues in the relationship. After all, if those issues are no longer arising and they are easy to forget about.

What we do remember, instead, is all the good times. When we fell in love, the trips we took, the fun times with friends, the special moments. And, because those are the things that we remember, we start to miss our ex.

I remember when I broke up with a guy and was missing him and wanted to reach out. I just happened to stumble upon a journal that I had written during our relationship. In it, I had written that he never listened to what I said – that he always talked over me. I had totally forgotten about that. The reminder made the urge to reach out go away.

So, write down a list. Keep it somewhere close and refer to it when you need to!

#3 – Block them – everywhere.

Ok, so I know that you are probably thinking right now that blocking someone is “harsh.” That you would never do anything so unkind to someone. That it would be rude if you did so. Nope, you won’t do that.

What you are really thinking, under it all, is that you want to leave the door open, just a crack, just in case your ex wants to reach out. That’s the real reason why you won’t block your ex.

I tell my clients that there is NO WAY they will ever get over their ex if they don’t block them, especially if they are the ones who did the breaking up. Why? Because having instantaneous access to an ex makes reaching out really easy – reaching out and just stirring up all the old feelings, good and bad.

If your person is blocked, this can’t happen. And that is good. There will be no healing while you are still in contact.

I promise you – you will NEVER get over this break up if you are in contact with your ex. There is just no way. One day you could be friends but, not now. Now you need to separate and deal with the aftermath of the break up – alone.

And just know, if your person every wanted to reach out in the future, they would figure out a way to do so. You don’t have to leave the door open for them

#4 –  NO stalking. Period.

Let me guess. Have you, sometime in the recent past, looked up your ex on social media? Have you thought to yourself that just a little peak wouldn’t do any harm. Its not like you are reaching out.

And, when you did that, how did it feel? Not so good I am guessing.

It is essential that, if you are going to move on after a break up, you don’t know anything at all about what your ex is up to. Not what he is eating or who he is hanging out or what Insta posts he is liking. Nothing.

Back in the day, when people broke up, that was it – no more awareness of what was happening in their lives. And this made getting over a break up so much easier. No seeing them having fun, moving on, hanging with new people, or a new person. We might have heard about that stuff but we didn’t have to see it – we didn’t have to have that image in our head.

So – no stalking! Period.

#5 – Limit your time on social media and choose your content carefully.

Ok so – if you are reading this article, chances are that you are online, looking for answers to your pain. That you googled “how to get over a break up” and my article popped up. I am glad of that, because you are taking the first steps towards healing, but I am also concerned how much time you have spent online, looking at articles like mine.

I have a client who had to break up with someone he loved because that person didn’t make him a priority. He tried for a while but then just couldn’t do it anymore. In the first few months after the break up, he spent a ton of time on line, researching people who didn’t put their significant other first. He looked up narcissists and predators and gaslighters. All the words that are out there online to talk about people who don’t prioritize their people.  He looked online, on TikTok, on Instagram, on Facebook and on You Tube. He dug in deep.

My client thought that doing all of this research was helping him heal – helping him learn what not to do next time. And, to some extent, he was correct. However, he also spent a ton of time focusing on his past relationship and what happened – thinking about what a gaslighter his ex was and how he had been wronged. He watched TikToks of people going on and on about what a horrible person their ex was. He was basically feeding his sadness with other people’s anger.

What he wasn’t doing was consuming content that was about healing. It wasn’t about what next steps could be or how to rebuild your self esteem or any kind of self-help. And he wasn’t looking for content that talked about success stories – they just aren’t out there, unfortunately. After all, someone who has come out the other side of a break up is out there living their lives, not posting about their ex on social media.

So, certainly you can spend some time online, looking up narcissists and whatever but only do it for a few days. Feed your angry monster – and then move on.

#6 – Change your text alerts.

Ok, this might seem like a strange one but it is one that works.

Whenever your text alert goes off now, does your heart leap, hoping that it is your ex? Or perhaps does your heart go to your stomach because it might be them and you don’t want hear from them? Either way, do you have that moment of wondering, only to look at your phone and be disappointed or relieved?

If you change your text alert for your ex, it will help you avoid these very painful moments. Right now, your brain is so used to hearing an alert and hoping it is your ex. Hoping to get that shot of dopamine that one gets when a loved one reached out. If your text tone is different, your brain will no longer associate that alert tone with your ex and your body won’t react one way or another. Furthermore, if they have their own text alert, you will know automatically that it is them – you don’t have to look at your phone at all.

It’s a small thing but a powerful things – do it now!

#7 – Rearrange your stuff.

Do you live in a space where you spent a lot of time with your ex? Does being in that space now cause you pain? I am guessing it does. You are stuck in a space was that joyful and is now painful and that can really hold someone back from break up recovery.

An excellent way to move on after a break up is to rearrange your stuff. To shift the energy in a way that makes your space more comfortable again.

It doesn’t have to be a big shift. Just enough of a shift that things feel different. Maybe get new sheets and towels. Or rearrange the pictures on the wall. Buy some plants. Move your knick-knacks around. GET RID OF everything that reminds you of your ex.

If you can shift your space around, the ghost of your ex will vanish and you can start to heal.

 

move on after a break up

#8 – Take care of yourself.

I know – the one good thing about a break up is that, while going through one, you are allowed to sit on the couch and watch Netflix and eat ice cream. If there was ever a time to do this, its now.

That being said, while I approve of doing it, I also have to recommend that you not do it for very long. The longer that you spend on the couch, eating and vegging out, the more your body is going get unhealthy.  You might gain weight or not sleep well.  You might isolate yourself or get depressed because you aren’t moving.

It is key that, after a few days feeling sorry for yourself, you get up off the coach and take care of yourself. Go for walks, or runs. Dance around your apartment. Make yourself a yummy smoothie. Go to the gym, if thats your thing. Make a date with friends.

Do whatever it is that you need to take care of yourself mentally and physically. It doesn’t have to be a big thing – just do something!

#9 – Read the book Exaholics.

Exaholics, by Dr. Lisa Marie Bobby, is an excellent book to read while going through a break up. Why? Because in the book she describes what exactly is happening in your brain and your body that is causing so much pain, what is making you obsessed about your relationship and why you aren’t being able to let go of your ex.

This is a science backed book that will make logical sense to you and help you understand why you are feeling the way you are feeling and why you might be having a hard time letting go. Most importantly, it will help you understand that the pain is not all about your ex but about something else entirely. Good information to have!

(Dr. Bobby speaks very badly about life coaches in this book and, the fact that she does so and I still recommend it speaks volumes to how good I think it is!)

#10 – Do something you have always wanted to do.

One of the worst parts of a break up is all of the extra time we have on our hands. The time that we used to spend with our person. And figuring out how to fill that time can be challenging.

I always encourage my clients to fill that time doing something that they had always wanted to do and hadn’t yet done, whether because of their relationship or because they just hadn’t had the opportunity to do it.

Now is the time!

When I got divorced, I decided that it was finally time to go to Peru. I saved my pennies (which was kinda fun because I knew what I was saving them for) and set out to hike in Peru with an old friend. Not only did we go to Peru but we also hiked to 17,000 foot altitude – not too bad for an old lady.

Is there something that you have always wanted to do that you haven’t done? Now is the time to do it. It doesn’t have to be a big trip, like mine. Something small is good. One of my clients started dancing, another took up horse back riding.

Whatever makes your heart sing.

#11 – Get some professional help.

I am guessing that you think that people who get professional help have to really be a mess. I mean, break ups are just break ups and we all get through them and move on. And yes, this is true. It is also true that sometimes moving on is harder than we thought it would be

And that is where a professional comes in. I know that for me, I have worked with hundreds of clients over the years, helping them manage break ups. I know how to listen. I know how to support. I know what coping skills work and don’t work. I know that its possible to come out the other side better than ever. I always tell my clients that I am a friend without an agenda – I won’t bring my own stuff to our sessions. Friends are great but sometime we need impartiality to help us move one.

So, don’t hesitate to get some help. It doesn’t have other be forever – just some support to get you over the hump!

There you go – 11 ways to move on after a break up.

I know that you are overwhelmed and I get that.  You don’t have to do everything on this list but choose at least one of them as a place to start. (I would suggest blocking them but you do what you feel like you can do!)

I can promise you that you will be okay. If you are determined to move forward and heal and not focused on looking back on what happened, you will get through this and out the other side, better than ever.

I promise!

It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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It’s More Than Lust: 7 Emotions that You Will Feel If You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are newly involved with a married man or thinking about becoming involved, read this blog.

So many people slip into affairs, not really aware of what will happen to them if and when they do. Women think that its all about love and passion and finding your soulmate but it is WAY more complicated than that.

One of the most surprising things that women feel when they are involved with a married man is that they feel emotions other than the love they feel at the beginning. And most of those emotions are not good ones – in fact, they could very well make any woman’s life a miserable place.

Read on – I know that it might be hard to read these things but they will help you move forward, informed at the very least.

#1 – Like you have found your soulmate.

When someone first gets involved with a married man, the overwhelming love and passion that they feel for this person is intense. More often than not, affairs grow out of friendship, a friendship that has been established and in which confidences have been shared. Even before anything physical happens there is usually intense connection that is strong enough that you would consider having an affair.

Let me tell you – you have not found your soulmate. Yes, you have a wonderful friend who you have developed feelings for and you might feel like he knows you better than anyone else. And those things might be true. But that doesn’t mean you are soul mates.

What it means is that you and this person are living in a bubble made of your own feelings. You aren’t living life together dealing with the day in day out stuff.  You just have time and each other and nothing else in the world. As a result, your connection feels deeper than you think it really is.

And, as time goes on, and your married man is increasingly unavailable to you, you will hold on to that soulmate feeling, believing that because of this, you must be together!

#2-  You will feel incredibly alone.

I know that this is hard to imagine but women who are having an affair with a married man find themselves incredibly lonely much of the time.

Why does this happen? Two reason.

The first is that your married man has a life outside of you. He has a wife who needs him at home, kids to help with homework and soccer games to watch. He will spend holidays with them. He might not be around for your birthday. He might say that you are his priority but he just can’t put you first!

The second is that many women who have affairs with married men put their friendships on the back burner. Perhaps its because they don’t want their friends to know what is going on. But, more likely, the reason they do so is because they want to be available in case their married man is. So, instead of making plans with friends, they hang around home, waiting for their affair partner to call.

#3 – You will feel deceived.

Let me guess – is your married man promising that he will leave his wife. Does he promise that he will be there for your birthday? Does he promise you time away together? Does he ask you to just be patient as he takes his baby steps? (I can’t tell you how many men use that term – baby steps! I have always wondered why.)

And, does he constantly let you down by not following up on those promises? I am guessing yes.

This is one of the most insidious things about having an affair is having someone who you think is your soulmate lie to you over and over and over. To have him promise that he will be there for you and then not show up. To promise that his marriage is over. To promise that you are the priority. To make you promises over and over that he just doesn’t keep.

I 100% believe that when your married man makes his promises truly believing that he will be able to keep them. He truly believes that his marriage is over and that you are his priority and that he will leave his wife soon. But the reality is is that leaving his wife means leaving his family and messing up his finances and losing friends. Leaving his wife is way more complicated than he might have thought it was.

And, at the same time, he is desperate not to lose you. After all, you are the person in his life who loves him and has sex with him and who will listen to all his tales of woe. He doesn’t want to lose you.

And so, he lies. Over and over. Truly believing that what he says his true but proving over and over it not to be so.

#4 – You will go to bed every night feeling hopeless.

Be honest with yourself, does some part of you know that your guy isn’t going to leave his wife?  You want to believe it to be true but you know that it isn’t. And yet, you stick around, hoping that you are wrong.

And, does living with this knowledge make you feel hopeless? Have the repeated lies and disappointments and sadness made you wonder if you will ever truly be happy again? Do you despair that you will be alone forever, waiting for your soulmate to take action.

Do you spend every moment of every day thinking about this? Obsessing about him and every little thing that he says and does, and doesn’t do? Is this exhausting? Do you go to bed at night feeling despair that the same thing will happen again tomorrow?

I am sorry to say this but if you have an affair with a married man, you are going to spend a ton of time feeling hopeless – obsessing about something that you know might not happen. And the hopelessness can easily lead to depression – or worse – which will only make you feel more hopeless.

#5 – The guilt you feel will be overwhelming.

Ok – you are having an affair with a married man – a man who has a wife and, perhaps, children at home. This is something that you truly thought you would never do and yet here you doing it.

Do you feel guilty about it? Perhaps not yet but you will!

You will feel guilty because you know that you are doing something to another woman. Sure, your AF might say that she is a complete bitch and treats him horribly, but the reality is is that she is his wife. (And, probably, not as much a bitch as he says she is) She is a woman who is being lied to and deceived and you are a part of it. Not such a great look for woman to woman solidarity.

Furthermore, you will feel guilty because you are letting yourself down.  You are doing things that you know goes against everything that you believe in. And that will make you feel horrible about yourself and the person you are in the world.

And, unfortunately, that guilt will never pass. Even if the relationship ends, knowing that you let down both another woman and yourself will stick with you indefinitely.

#6 – You will be full of resentment.

If you were in a relationship with someone who was completely available, who wasn’t married, would you put up with the lying and the broken promises? Or would you know that the person is not the right person for you and walk away? This is an important question to ask yourself.

For some reason, women who are dating married men excuse away all the lies and deceit.  They believe that if they just stick around long enough, their guy will eventually do everything that they promised and everyone will live happily ever after.

Unfortunately, as time goes on, many women get increasingly resentful of the lies and the broken promises. Of the time that they have to spend alone while their partner is with their family. Of the lack of hope they have to ever be happy or truly loved.

And the person that they feel resentful of is their married guy. And they are left, feeling at the same time deeply in love and deeply resentful. Not healthy.

#7 – Your self-esteem will plummet.

I have a client who is struggling with his self-esteem. He felt like, if he could just start feeling better about himself, his life would be better, particularly his marriage.

When I started to ask him about himself what I learned was that, while he had had emotionally unavailable parents, he was very well educated, he felt like he had lived a full life and he loved his job. What he did not have is a wife who supported him. She felt like he didn’t hustle enough and didn’t make enough money and she constantly nagged him about it.

No wonder his self-esteem is low.

It is the same thing with women who are involved with married men – their self-esteem can be decimated. Months and years of allowing someone to lie to them, of allowing them to make promises and then break them, of not being made a priority, even if they are told that they are. All of these things can really mess with someone’s head – and self-worth.

I know that, one year into an affair with a married man, I was the shell of the person I was before I met him. I had always been self-confident and happy – one year later I was miserable and hating myself.

#8 – You will feel increasingly helpless.

This in one of the hardest things about being involved with a married man – you are completely not in control of the situation. Whatever your married man chooses to do, you must stand by and wait and watch and hope that things will be different. You have no control over whether he leaves his wife or whether he shows ups on your birthday. And, as long as things stay the same, you never will.

What I tell many of my clients is that, while they might feel helpless, they really aren’t. Yes, they can’t control whether or not their married man leaves his wife but they can control their own actions!

They can choose to not put up with the lying. They can choose to not hope that things will turn out differently this time. They can also, most of all, choose to walk away. To get away from this situation and move on and find love somewhere else. They can choose that.

I know that you might feel like you just can’t do this, and I get it. But you do have the control to do so, should you choose to use it.

#9 – You will be angry. Very angry.

When you think back to the beginning of your affair, were you floating in a dreamland, sure that you were finally going to be happy? As time has passed and there have been a thousand little cuts as he lies to you, are you still floating? I am guessing not.

I am guessing that what you might be feeling is anger. Sure, when he is there, you might float a bit, but I am sure that at least part of the time that you spend together involves you arguing about what he isn’t doing. And, when he leaves and goes back to your family, you are left sad and frustrated, feelings that, more often, turn into angry.

You will be angry with him for deceiving you. You will be mad at his wife for not letting him go.  You will be mad at his kids because they are the priority. And, mostly, you will be mad at yourself for putting up with it all.

No one wants to be angry – it uses up so much energy and leaves us feeling depleted. And, when anger is part of our everyday life, especially if it is bound with depression, it can really tear us apart.

So there you go, 9 emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I am guessing that you are thinking that you and your married man are different. That your love is so strong that none of these things will happen to you. And I wish that I could agree with you, but I just can’t.

In my 10 years as a life coach, there hasn’t been a single instance where a woman didn’t feel all these things. The married men will break their promises, the women will forgive them and the cycle will repeat itself over and over, leaving everyone broken and depleted.

So, think carefully if you are about to embark on an affair with a married man. I know it seems like romance and lust right now but that will change. I promise. If you are already suffering in an affair, just know that you CAN CHANGE THINGS. It is possible to walk away and be happy. Many, many, many women do it everyday!

You can too!

9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

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9 Reasons Your Boyfriend Won’t Let You Go Even Though He Doesn’t Want A Relationship

I can’t tell you how often I see this – that a man says he doesn’t want a relationship but won’t let his girlfriend go. He breadcrumbs her and acts like a yo-yo and devastates every time.

I believe that, while the pain that one feels after a break up is horrible, the pain felt when someone breaks up with someone and still hangs around might be even worse. After all, the ex isn’t being allowed to get over the break up and move on and that is making it very difficult to deal with the pain and let it go.

What I can promise you, absolutely, is that the reason that he won’t let you go is NOT because he wants to be in a relationship with you – its something else entirely.

Perhaps if you understand why he won’t let you go, you might be able to be strong and walk away so that you can get your life back.

#1 – He needs his ego stroked.

If there is one thing that a man gets out of relationship its having his ego stroked. After all, he has found a girlfriend who loves him and takes care of him and has sex with him. A girlfriend he can parade around his boys and take home to his mother. Who wouldn’t love all those things?

The thing is, when a guy breaks up with someone, he no longer has someone there to stroke his ego. While he might be happier that he doesn’t have to do the things that he has to do in a relationship, he is definitely feeling the absence of not feeling loved and appreciated.

So, he reaches out to the most recent person who has done that. And, when you let him, when you stroke his ego when he comes back, then he will do it over and over again. That way, he can feel good again. And, the fact that you will stroke his ego even though he has broken up with you makes him feel even more powerful.

#2 – He misses being taken care of.

I have a client whose ex-boyfriend treats her terribly. He came home from work one night and told her that he wanted out and then left the next day. He gave her a few days and then he reached out again and asked if he could come over and visit the dog.

She was ecstatic. She cleaned the house and got all dressed up for him, thinking that maybe he wanted her back. And then what happened? He showed up with a pile of laundry and asked her to do it while he played with the dog. And she willingly did it because she loved taking care of him and thought that maybe if she did, he would love her again.

#3 – He is horny.

Oh – and – when my client’s ex boyfriend came over to play with the dog and have his laundry done, he also wanted to have sex with her, even though he had broken up with her just a few days earlier.

This is the #1 reason that men keep coming back to their ex-girlfriends even though they don’t want a relationship  – because of the sex. After all, if a man was in charge, he would have sex everyday. Not having a girlfriend gets in the way of that happening.

So, a man will come back, at least for a night, to have sex with his ex. Why doesn’t he get it elsewhere? Because with his ex-girlfriend he doesn’t have to work for it. He can just show up at her house, maybe even drunk after a night out with the boys, and she will be happy to accommodate.

Why? Because she is hoping that the reason he is there is because he knows that he really does want to be in a relationship. Unfortunately, he doesn’t.

your boyfriend won't let you go

#4 -You keep reaching out to him.

Ugh – does this one resonate with you? Has he broken up with you but do you keep reaching out, hoping that he will change his mind? Perhaps because you miss him and just want to hear his voice or are looking for closure (which, BTW, is a myth).

This is something that is very common with my clients – that they are broken up with and they are determined to move on but they just can’t help reaching out to their ex, either texting or DMing or looking at their social media posts. Interestingly, the thing that most often brings people back together is a birthday or an anniversary – people feel compelled to reach out and they do and it starts the whole messy cycle all over again.

And, if you reach out, what is your guy going to do?  Come over and have you do his laundry and have sex with him. Things won’t work out differently and you will be devastated again.

#5 – He is lonely.

We all get lonely. If we didn’t then we wouldn’t go through the agony of dating sites and first dates and all the other things that come with finding love. And, for most people, loneliness is one of the scariest feelings that they can feel.

So, if a guy gets lonely he could fill the time with work or play or his friends or his family but, what will really scratch his loneliness itch, is going back to the person who makes him feel good about himself and will do all of the things that I have discussed so far.

And, because she is most likely lonely as well, she lets him come back.

Unfortunately, loneliness isn’t something that can be assuaged in one moment. We get the loneliness fix and we feel good for a while but then we go away and are alone and the feeling comes back, sometimes even worse. And so we reach out and the whole cycle happens over and over.

#6 – He is being wishy washy.

No one truly wants to break up. After all, we have been through the dating scene and found someone who fits us and we are hoping that this will be the one – that we will never have to go on another date. So, if feelings get lost and a break up must happen, it’s a very sad thing.

I know that for many of my clients, even though they know that breaking up with their person is the best thing that they can do, they hope that it will change. That if they just try, they will get their feelings back. So they return to their ex, over and over, hoping that things will change.

In my experience, this rarely happens. If a person has lost feelings, they don’t get them back unless something significant has changed. If someone has done their work or a situation that caused the break up has changed. Rarely does a man realize that he made a mistake and come back. And if that does happen, more often than not, the relationship will ultimately fail again.

So, if he yo-yos, making promises that he doesn’t keep, let him go. Don’t let him back in and make the break up even worse.

#7 – He doesn’t want to hurt you.

This is one of those things that I yell at my male clients about – that they don’t want to hurt their ex.

Of course, no one, especially men, wants to hurt someone, and a break up can be the worst pain of all, so they do whatever they can to not do it. And unfortunately, that often means dragging things out, hoping that maybe their girlfriend will break up with them and they won’t feel responsible for causing the pain.

And, to do so, they make their partner miserable. They gaslight them, making them think that there is something wrong with them. They give them crumbs of love hoping that their person will get sick of it and move on.

And, I tell my male clients, this only hurts their soon to be ex more. It’s like pulling off a bandaid slowly. While you don’t get that sudden burst of pain that comes with ripping one off, the prolonged effort of removing it will even more painful. Rip the Band Aid off, I tell my male clients. Unfortunately, its really, really hard for them to do so!

#8 – He is using you for something.

For many of my clients who have a guy coming and going, its because they are using them for something.

Sometimes its sex and love, as I have said before. But sometimes its something more tangible. Sometimes its something that they need to survive, like housing or money.

For many women in relationships, particularly ones where they feel like their guy is slipping away, they work hard to make their person feel comfortable. They lend them money or pay for things. Sometimes they let them stay with them without paying rent. They might even support their habits and hobbies, good or bad.

When a guy breaks up with someone, those things are gone and he might be left struggling. He has gotten used to being taken care of financially and the lack of money or housing is making his life more difficult. And so he returns, giving his ex just enough love to get her to give him some money or let him stay in the house.

I hope that this one is pretty obvious. That its not that your guy loves you that he is back – it’s because he needs you to be his sugar-mama.

#9 – You are letting him.

Ok, be honest with me. How easy are you making it for him to come and go?

When he reaches out, do you jump to doing whatever he wants, hoping things will be different? Do you act like you are cool with your more casual relationship? Do you pretend that you are satisfied with his bread crumbs, hoping that he will see how easy you are to be around and take you back?

I hate to say it but this is the number one reason that a guy won’t let someone go – because their person makes it easy for them.

So, its on you, girl. You are the only person who can stop this cycle and move on with your life. Only you!

So, there you go – 9 reasons your boyfriend won’t let eye go, even though he doesn’t want a relationship.

I know that what you are dealing with is painful – the ups and downs of feeling good when he is around and then devastated when he leaves again. You just aren’t recovering or moving on and its killing you.

But it doesn’t have to be this way.  You have it in you to let him go and move on with your life and find someone who can love you truly. They are out there. I promise!

9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

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9 Ways for Women to Survive a Break Up that Don’t Include Getting Closure

If you are like many women who are going through a break up, you probably don’t see how you could possibly move on without closure. Without having one more time to talk to your ex, to process what has happened so that you can move forward. And I get it.

But, let me tell you, closure is myth.

Closure is just another excuse to see and talk to your ex in the hopes that things might turn out differently this time. And closure won’t really give you any peace – it will just make things harder in the long run.

So, if you can skip closure, there are lots of other things that you can do if you want to survive a break up. Let me share some of them now.

#1 – Block them everywhere.

This is the number one most important thing to do if you want to survive a break up – to block your person. And it’s the number one thing that I just can’t get women to do! Women feel they are being rude, or unkind or that they are closing the door to ever getting back with their person.

And, of course, they are hoping that their person will reach out and they will get to talk to them again.

When men reach out after a break up, more often than not, it is not to get back together. Its because they are lonely or horny or feeling guilty but not because they want to get back together. So, while the contact might have a lot of meaning for you, it could very well mean nothing to him. All that will do is keep you attached to him, unable to heal.

And, I can promise you that, if a guy wants you back, not being able to reach you via phone won’t deter him. He will figure out a way to reach you.

Unfortunately, leaving the door open for your person to contact you is going to hold you back from surviving the break up. What happens is that you will go through this period of intense pain – there is nothing worse than break up pain. And then, the pain will start to fade and you will perhaps have some hope for the future. If your ex reaches out, all of that pain will resurface and you will be back to square one. When things fall apart again, which they always do, you will be left right where you started.

#2 – No stalking.

There are so many evils about social media and the biggest one is it being such a huge obstacle to surviving a break up.

Back in the day, when people broke up with each other, they just didn’t see each other again. Perhaps they might run into them on the street or see them across the room at work but they had no idea what, specifically, was happening in their lives. Yes, they had pain at seeing them but not the pain of knowing clearly that their ex had moved on.

Think about every time that you “just take a peek” to see what is happening with your ex. Are you doing so because you want to see them sad, to know that they aren’t happy either? Are you doing it because you want to let them know that you are looking at them because you miss them? Are you peeking just because you want the dose of dopamine that you get when you see them?

And, when you take that peek – what happens? Do you ever feel good about it? Probably not.

Remember, NO ONE posts pictures of themselves being miserable in life. Men in particular don’t express their feelings. They don’t post quotes about how strong they are or how they know their worth. They just keeping moving, even if they are in pain.

If you let him know that you miss him, you are only giving away your power as he will think that you are just sitting around pining for him.

Even worse, if you see your ex having fun, you are going to feel pain because you know that they have gotten on with their lives or, even worse, they are with someone else. Seeing that will only make healing harder!

#3 – Take stock of the things that were off in the relationship.

When we break up with someone it is really easy to forget the bad stuff, all the stuff that led to the end of the relationship. We only remember the good times, all of the things that we did together that made us happy.

Unfortunately, by the time a break up happens, more likely than not, the relationship is comprised more of the bad stuff and not the good stuff, enough so that one person sees that the relationship has no future. The good stuff is a thing of the past.

I encourage you to take stock, in writing, of all of the things that caused you sadness or pain in the relationship. The things that led to the end of the relationship. I also encourage you to take stock of the things that your ex did to you that hurt you, the little things that might be easy to forget.

If you have a list of these things handy, when you are feeling nostalgic about the relationship, you can read it and remember the whole truth.

#4 – Take accountability for your role in what happened.

When we are broken up with, its very easy to believe that everything that happened in the relationship is the other persons fault. After all, you worked hard to keep the relationship going and they just stopped caring. And I get that. But, the reality is is that there are two people in every relationship and both of them bear some responsibility for what happened.

If you are really honest with yourself you might see that there are things that you did or didn’t do that contributed to the end of the relationship. Perhaps you weren’t supportive or treated your person with contempt. Perhaps, instead of communicating your wants and needs, you stayed silent, hoping that they could guess what you needed. Perhaps you bent over backwards to avoid any drama in the relationship and let your ex walk all over you.

Whatever your role in the demise of the relationship, it is important that you understand it. Doing so will make accepting the break up easier and also help you with a new relationship going forward.

survive a break up

#5 – Get up off the coach.

I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are sitting on your couch or in your bed, feeling sorry for yourself. You have spent the past period of time time reading blogs and looking at TikTok, trying to figure out what happened in your relationship, hoping it will make you feel better.

And I get it – I have been there!

But it is important that you not spend much more time indulging in your break up. That you stop looking for things that will justify your feelings or giving you confirmation that your ex is a narcissist. Instead, I encourage you to start looking up articles and videos that will help you move forward.

If you devote all of your energy to your break up and none of your energy to what is next, you will just get stuck in this place with no hope of getting through it and moving on.

So, spend a bit more time indulging in finding information that will justify the end of your relationship but, soon, get up off the couch, go for a walk with a friend and live a little. When its time to scroll again, look for things that will give you hope for the future not keep you mired in the past.

#6 – Spend time with those who love you.

Chance are that you are feeling pretty bad about yourself after your break up. After all, you have probably spent some unhappy time in a relationship that wasn’t working, time in which your self-esteem was eroded. Even worse, if you are broken up with, you might feel rejected and unlovable.

You are NOT unloveable. What you are is someone who was in a relationship that wasn’t working and now that relationship is over.

What you can do now is spend time with people who love you – your friends and family. People who will remind you that you had a life before this person, a life full of love and feeling good about yourself. Don’t spend time with those people who might make you question yourself. They will only give you more fuel for feeling badly about yourself, something that is not the goal!

#7 – Don’t play the victim.

When my husband left me for his college girlfriend, I delighted in playing the victim. After all, he had left abruptly, walking away from our 20 year marriage, leaving me heartbroken.

One day, I was telling my friend about how horrible what he did to me was, how disrespectful, and she looked at me and told me to stop playing the victim. That, yes, he might have instigated the divorce but that I had been unhappy for a long time. That I had pushed him away and that I had a role in what happened.

I was not happy at first but then, when I really thought about it, I recognized the value in it. If I didn’t constantly frame what happened as something that was out of my control then I could own what happened and resolve to do something about it.

I wasn’t some victim whose life was going to end – I was a woman who was in a really rough patch but who wouldn’t be cowed by it. I was going to get over it and move on.

Are you playing the victim? If yes, it’s time to stop doing so and move forward.

#8 – Put yourself back out there.

I am sure that the last thing that you want to do right now is to start dating again. And I get that. After all, you miss your person and you can’t picture ever being in another relationship.

But, what I am suggesting is that you put yourself out there to flirt and have fun, not to jump into another relationship that you aren’t ready for.

Furthermore, I encourage you to get back out there with your friends, doing the things that you like to do and the things that you did before this person was in your life. After all, you had many years without this person in your life and you were happy!

So, put yourself back out there into the world. Get up off the couch and start living again.

#9 – Seek help from someone other than your friends.

I know that I told you to spend time with those who love you and do do so! Friends are key to getting through a break up.

That being said, its important that you not rely only on your friends exclusively when you are trying to get over a broken heart. Why? Because your friends aren’t impartial in this relationship. They have opinions about what happened and whats next. They also have personal experience with break ups, experiences that they will seek to project on your break ups even if they shouldn’t. Furthermore, they might just make any discussion about the break up all about them.

I always say that, as a life coach, I am a friend without an agenda. Sure, I have had experiences in my life but I am not going to apply those experiences to your experiences. Instead, I will take an impartial view of what happened to you and then work with you, using my life coach training and the information that I have gained in my years of coaching, to help you get through your pain and start a new life.

I am not saying that you should not seek any love and support from your friends – do! But know that having an impartial person who can give you some perspective on the break up and your next steps will help you recover from the pain quicker.

So, there you are, 7 Pieces of Break Up Advice for Women that Don’t Include Getting Closure.

I know that you are feeling overwhelmed and hopeless right now. Just know that you will get through it. That you will be able to recover from this break up and move forward. After all, I am guessing that you have survived a break up before and you will do so again!

I promise!

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