Tried and True Ways To Manage Trust Issues in Your New Relationship

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New relationships can be challenging. Of course, they are wonderful in many ways because there is nothing more magical than falling in love, but they can also be challenging as the relationship progresses.

For many of us, we have been deeply hurt in the past and, therefore, find it difficult to trust a new person. Instead of being open to love, we put up walls and look for issues where there might not be any.

Did you know that this is so common that there is actually a word for it: pistanthrophobia, the fear of trusting others. [15]

Fortunately, while are trust issues can make new relationships challenging, but they’re not impossible to overcome.

The key to overcoming trust issues is to have awareness that trust issues are a thing and to learn how to move past them. Let me share with you how to do just that so that you can have the loving relationship that you want!

5 Ways To Build Trust Early in Dating And Keep Your Relationship Strong

Define Your Trust Issues

A great way to safeguard relationships is by spotting trust issues early on. These challenges often reveal themselves pretty quickly through specific thought patterns and behaviors toward your partner.

#1 – Do You Overanalyze Your Partner’s Actions?

Do you find yourself reading too much into your partner’s behavior? Do you feel like you are analyzing everything your new person says and does? Do you find that you aren’t likely to believe what they do or say and does that block you from truly connecting with them?

Trust issues often lead to overanalyzing someone’s words or actions, sometimes assigning negative meanings where none exist.[9][7] For instance, if your partner comes home late, you might jump to conclusions about infidelity instead of considering something as simple as a traffic delay. [10]

This constant overthinking can make you question even genuine compliments or acts of love, creating a cycle of doubt and insecurity. Recognizing this tendency is a crucial first step toward addressing its deeper causes.

#2 – Do You Struggle to Be Vulnerable?

Keeping emotional distance from your partner is another sign of trust issues. You might avoid sharing your thoughts or feelings, fearing judgment or rejection. [9][11][4]

Dr. Ramone Ford, PhD, from Cleveland Clinic, explains:

“If you’re not being authentic or saying what you need in a relationship out of fear or mistrust, you could end up internalizing those feelings and worsen the situation.” [5]

By holding back, you miss out on building the emotional intimacy that forms the foundation of a strong, healthy relationship.

#3 – Do You Constantly Seeking Reassurance?

If you frequently ask your partner for reassurance – whether it’s about their love for you or their commitment – it could point to underlying trust issues. [10][4][9]This behavior often stems from a fear of abandonment, even when there’s no evidence to support it. [12][13]

I know that when I was first with my husband, I was absolutely petrified that he would abandon me like my ex-husband did. This caused me to sabotage our relationship in more ways than one. Luckily, I saw what I was doing before it was too late.

A need for constant reassurance can strain a relationship. Over time, your partner might feel emotionally drained, and the very behavior meant to secure the relationship could end up driving a wedge between you. [12][4]

Identifying these behaviors is an essential step in understanding the root of your trust issues, paving the way for deeper exploration.

Identify Where Trust Issues Come From

Trust Issues Statistics: Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

Trust Issues Statistics: Attachment Styles and Relationship Patterns

Once you’ve identified trust issues, it’s essential to explore their origins. Your past experiences often shape how you approach trust. As Dr. Ramone Ford from Cleveland Clinic explains:

“Early in life, you form expectations and beliefs that the world and certain people will act a certain way. If your needs aren’t met earlier in life, it becomes harder to build those connections and to open up and be vulnerable in relationships.” [5]

It’s important to remember that your reactions are rooted in genuine pain, not personal shortcomings. Recognizing this distinction allows you to separate past trauma from your current reality, giving you a chance to respond differently in new relationships. A closer look at past betrayals can help explain why trust feels so fragile.

#1 – Past Relationship Betrayals

Experiences like infidelity or dishonesty can leave lasting scars. If a former partner cheated on you, lied, or manipulated you through gaslighting, it’s natural to develop a protective mindset – a “never again” approach to avoid future hurt. [7] Some people even identify these issue in dating profiles, hoping they won’t be repeated. These betrayals often lead to heightened vigilance in later relationships.

Traumatic breakups or unexpected divorces can also shake your confidence, making you question your ability to judge others. Alyssa “Lia” Mancao, LCSW, highlights this impact:

“A person can have had a secure attachment during childhood; however, betrayals and infidelity in adulthood can lead to an insecure attachment.” [14]

The challenge is to recognize that a single betrayal doesn’t dictate every future relationship. Your new partner isn’t responsible for the mistakes of someone else, but understanding how past wounds influence your reactions can help you navigate triggers.

#2 – Childhood Experiences

Your ability to trust often takes root long before your first relationship. The attachment bond you formed with your caregivers – typically between 7 and 11 months old – creates a template for how you connect with others throughout life. [14] If your caregivers were reliable and nurturing, you likely developed a secure attachment style. But if they were inconsistent, neglectful, or frightening, you may have learned early on that people aren’t dependable.

Research shows that 56% of adults have a secure attachment style, while 19% have an anxious attachment style (characterized by fear of abandonment) and 25% have an avoidant attachment style (marked by fear of intimacy). [14] Childhood experiences such as witnessing parental infidelity, growing up in high-conflict households, or facing rejection from peers can reinforce a belief that relationships are inherently unstable.

For children exposed to violence, the impact can be profound. Women are 3.5 times more likely and men 3.8 times more likely to repeat these patterns as adults. [7] These early experiences shape your expectations about safety, reliability, and whether being vulnerable leads to connection or rejection.

While understanding these origins doesn’t undo the past, it can help reframe trust issues as natural responses to real experiences – not personal flaws. Your trust issues are NOT YOUR FAULT. They didn’t happen in a void. You experienced some sore of trauma that brought you to this place. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Learn to Build Trust Through Open Communication

Understanding how your past shapes trust is just the beginning – clear communication acts as the bridge to move forward. Once you’ve identified trust issues, having honest conversations with your partner becomes essential. This means sharing your thoughts and feelings while also creating space for theirs. Minkyung Chung, MS, LMHC, from Talkspace, highlights the importance of this foundation:

“Trust is the belief that someone can be relied on to do or say something that was agreed upon. Trust issues are the inability to believe that one can rely on another person… Without trust, no relationship is sustainable.” [3]

This was the key to getting past my trust issues with my husband. We were able to talk openly and honestly about how I was feeling so that he could understand where I was coming from. He had nurturing parents and had never had his heart broken, so understanding my trust issues was not easy. But, once he understood, we worked together to make a plan for moving forward.

That being said, it isn’t always as easy as one might hope to have these kinds of conversations because sometimes they can spark conflict rather than strengthen connection. Finding ways to communicate effectively is the goal.

#1 – Express Your Fears and Concerns Without Assigning Blame

Opening up about fears and concerns without assigning blame requires a shift in how you approach conversations. Using “I” statements can help take ownership of your feelings instead of pointing fingers. For example, rather than saying, “You always ignore my texts,” try, “I feel anxious when I don’t hear from you for several hours.” [5][17]

Start small by discussing minor concerns, like how you’d prefer to spend your evenings or your daily schedule, before diving into tougher topics like finances or past betrayals. [4] This gradual approach builds trust and reassures your partner that honesty is safe.

Try to keep in mind that your partner has good intentions. [4][5] Very few people set out to hurt those they care about. If you can hold on to this thoughts, it helps keep discussions productive and prevents defensive reactions. If a conversation touches a “raw spot” – a sensitive issue from your past that triggers an emotional response – acknowledge it openly instead of shutting down. [4]

Once you’ve expressed yourself, the next step is to focus on listening.

#2 – Listen Without Judgment

Trust isn’t just about speaking – it’s also about how you listen. Dr. Ramone Ford, PhD, Psychologist, explains the value of active listening:

“Actively listen to what someone says about their needs, their boundaries and what’s important to them. When you show that you care about their interests, their safety and their happiness, it tells the other person that you appreciate their values and their beliefs.” [16]

Instead of assuming you know what your partner means, ask clarifying questions. This not only shows genuine interest but also reduces misunderstandings. [1] Try to have these conversations not in a busy, noisy restaurant but somplace you can concentrate on listening and understanding perspectives.

Validation is equally important. Acknowledge your partner’s emotions to show that their feelings matter. [17] Avoid dismissive responses like, “I’m sorry you feel that way,” which can deflect accountability and escalate tension. Instead, try phrases like, “I understand why that would upset you” or “Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Finally, setting clear expectations helps reinforce trust.

#3 – Set Expectations Early On

Trust thrives on consistency and predictability. Dr. Ramone Ford, PhD, Psychologist, emphasizes:

“Trust is learned over time and it’s based on your faith in the boundaries, limitations and expectations that you set up for each other.” [16]

Unfortunately, when we go into new relationships we aren’t always honest about who we are. We don’t do this maliciously – we just want to put our best foot forward so we can try to hide some of darkness. As a result, when trust issues do arise, they often seem to come out of the blue.

Set expections early – be honest! Misunderstandings can lead to emotional harm and strain the relationship, ultimately breaking it down.[15]

Be upfront about your boundaries and what you need to feel secure. This could include regular check-ins, transparency about friendships, or shared relationship goals. [16] While these conversations might feel awkward initially, they can prevent recurring conflicts.

Equally important is aligning your actions with your words. If you promise to call at a specific time, make sure you follow through. Small acts of reliability – like showing up when you say you will – build trust over time. On the other hand, repeated lateness or broken promises can erode it. [16] And make sure that things work both ways: communicate what you need from your partner and ask them to share their expectations as well. [15]

For tailored advice on addressing trust issues and improving communication, working with a life coach – like me – can be very helpful.

Focus on Personal Growth and Forgiving Yourself

Trusting yourself is just as important as trusting your partner. [6] Carrying unresolved pain from the past can create emotional barriers – walls that may have once protected you but now hinder genuine connections. [21] One of the best ways to deal with trust issues is to not have them at all!

Focusing on self-improvement and practicing forgiveness, both for yourself and others, opens the door to healthier, more meaningful relationships.

#1 – Practice Self-Reflection and Self-Compassion

Understanding the root of your trust issues starts with honest self-reflection. When you feel suspicious, take a moment to ask yourself, “What triggered this emotion?” [22] It is so important that you work to  separate facts from feelings. [22][5] Research shows that while genetics can influence trust tendencies, distrust often stems from social experiences and family dynamics. [2] The good news? These patterns can be changed with conscious effort.

A helpful tool is journaling. Write down thoughts like, “Everyone will betray me” and examine the evidence supporting or contradicting that belief. [6] This process helps you recognize outdated defense mechanisms that no longer serve you. Be kind to yourself during this process. As Dr. Ramone Ford, Ph.D., advises:

“If you’ve suffered an emotional injury and you choose to stay and work on the relationship, having empathy for yourself is important because that takes a lot of work.”

[15]

The key to this is showing yourself compassion during tough moments so that you can stay focused on growth instead of slipping into old habits. This self-awareness paves the way for letting go of past pain through forgiveness.

#2 – Forgive Both Yourself and Others

Forgiveness isn’t about forgetting or excusing what happened – it’s about choosing to release negative emotions like anger, resentment, or the urge for revenge. [23][24] Venerable Thubten Chodron explains it best:

“Forgiveness is not saying what the other person did is okay, it is letting go of our negative emotions.” [23]

Holding onto grudges can take a toll on both your mental and physical health. [24] Letting go benefits not just your relationship but also your overall well-being.

Self-forgiveness is equally essential. We are often our own worse enemy- we hate how weak we think we are and judge ourselves for our feelings. Its important that you approach your past and present actions with kindness and honesty. [25] Your past experiences have led you to this place and that is okay. We are all human. We all make mistakes. Try to accept that and look forward instead of back. And, if you struggle to do so, don’t give up. Forgive yourself and try again!

#3 – Seek Professional Support

When self-reflection and self-work hit a wall, professional guidance can help you move forward. A certified coach can offer a fresh perspective, helping you uncover hidden patterns and create strategies tailored to your specific challenges around trust issue in relationships. Believe it or not, there are many people who struggle with trust issues and sometimes a professional who has guided many people before you can make a huge difference.

As a life coach working with people with trust issues, I offer one-on-one sessions where you’ll gain tools to identify triggers, challenge unhelpful thoughts, and rebuild trust in your own judgment. Working with me will help you reframe past betrayals as isolated incidents rather than universal truths. [6] Doing these things can speed up the healing process so that you can find the love that you want!

“Trusting is a decision you make, not a feeling that happens to you.” – Kayla Knopp, Clinical Graduate Student, University of Denver [8].

Rebuilding trust starts with self-trust and separating past experiences from present realities.

The process takes time, consistency, and a willingness to be vulnerable. Be honest about your triggers and boundaries, but avoid assigning blame. Be specific about what you need to feel safe, and what you can give in return. Forgive yourself for carrying the pain of old relationships.

And remember, its important to recognize the difference between trusting someone and trying to control every outcome. Healthy relationships require accepting some level of uncertainty.

Through self-awareness, honest communication, and consistent effort, trust can flourish. By embracing these changes, you can nurture a relationship where trust becomes a cornerstone, not a question mark.

3 Surprising Ways that Stress Can Affect Your Body After a Breakup

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If you have just gone through a break up and feeling like you can’t get up off the couch, know that you are not alone. Feeling emotionally and physically drained when going through post-breakup heartbreak is normal.

When a breakup happens, your body reacts as if it’s under threat. Stress hormones like cortisol surge, dopamine and oxytocin levels drop, and your brain processes heartbreak like physical pain. This can cause real symptoms: chest tightness, insomnia, weakened immunity, and even heart issues. Over 43% of people report worse well-being after a breakup, and it can trigger depression for 20%.

Understanding these responses can help you manage healing after a heartbreak. You can work through this and get out the other side with just a little bit of awareness.

How Breakups Affect Your Body: Physical and Mental Health Statistics

How Breakups Affect Your Body: Physical and Mental Health Statistics

How Does Breakup Stress Affect Your Body?

#1 – It Messes with Your “Feel Good” Chemicals

When a breakup happens, your body undergoes a dramatic hormonal shift. Stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline flood your system, causing your heart rate and blood pressure to spike while diverting blood flow away from digestion. [7][11] At the same time, dopamine – the “feel-good” neurotransmitter – drops significantly, creating withdrawal-like symptoms often compared to those experienced during addiction. [1][4][11]

Oxytocin, often called the “bonding hormone”, also takes a nosedive. This hormone, which once provided feelings of security and closeness, diminishes, leaving behind a deep void and a sense of loneliness. [11][2] Interestingly, this isolation can trigger a rise in progesterone levels, which might drive you to seek new social connections. [9]

These hormonal changes don’t just stay under the surface – they show up in physical ways that can be hard to ignore.

#2 – It Can Make Your Body Hurt All Over

The hormonal chaos brought on by a breakup can lead to a range of physical symptoms. You might feel chest tightness, experience tension headaches from clenching your jaw or neck, or struggle with nausea and insomnia.[4][7][8] Elevated cortisol levels can weaken your immune system by lowering white blood cell production, leaving you more vulnerable to colds or infections. [7][8][11] Stress has also been linked to a 23% increase in acne breakouts and some people notice hair loss – known as telogen effluvium – about three months after the emotional shock, [4][9]

Your digestive system can also take a hit, slowing down during periods of high stress. This can result in appetite loss, stomach cramps, or even symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. [7][4] In extreme cases, intense emotional distress can lead to “Broken Heart Syndrome” (takotsubo cardiomyopathy), a temporary condition where part of the heart enlarges and struggles to pump effectively. Interestingly, over 80% of reported cases occur in women. [4][10]

But the effects of heartbreak don’t stop with your body – it also deeply impacts how your brain processes pain.

#3 – It Effects How Your Brain Processes Emotional Pain

Heartbreak doesn’t just feel like pain – it’s processed in your brain as if it were physical pain. The same neural pathways involved in physical injuries, like the anterior cingulate cortex, secondary somatosensory cortex, and dorsal posterior insula, are activated when you see reminders of your ex, such as their photo. [8][1][10] Eric Ryden, a Doctor of Clinical Psychology, explains:

Heartbreak seems to involve some of the same neural mechanisms as that of physical pain. [10]

On top of this, dealing with emotional pain can sap your mental energy. Your brain’s ability to focus and exercise self-control takes a hit, leading to mental fog, difficulty concentrating, and challenges with decision-making in the aftermath of a breakup. [9]

What Kind of Health Risks Come From Long-Term Stress?

Prolonged stress, especially following a breakup, can lead to serious, long-term health problems. While the immediate symptoms are tough to handle, the effects of chronic stress can ripple through your body, causing lasting harm.

#1 – It Can Stress Out Your Heart and Increase Your Blood Pressure

When stress becomes a constant, it keeps your body in a heightened state of alert. This triggers the release of catecholamines, which increase your heart rate and keep your blood pressure elevated over time.[12] High cortisol levels from chronic stress can also raise blood sugar, cholesterol, and triglycerides, speeding up plaque buildup in your arteries – a condition known as atherosclerosis.[12] Dr. Rachel Lampert, a cardiologist at Yale Medicine, highlights the connection:

Long-term – or chronic – stress can cause higher levels of inflammation in the body that contribute to increases in plaque buildup in the arteries – and that can lead to such problems as coronary artery disease.[12]

This buildup not only increases the risk of coronary artery disease but can also result in heart failure or irregular heart rhythms. Alarmingly, people with high stress levels and a history of depression are 2.5 times more likely to experience a heart attack compared to those with lower stress levels.[12]

#2 – It Can Weaken Your Immune System and Cause Inflammation

Chronic stress doesn’t just wear you down emotionally – it disrupts your immune system too. It weakens your body’s ability to fight off infections, while simultaneously causing excessive inflammation.[14] This happens because stress hormones trigger the release of proinflammatory cytokines like interleukin-6 (IL-6).[14][15]

The effects can be dramatic. In one study of couples, hostile behavior during arguments caused a 113% spike in IL-6 levels, compared to a 45% rise during more supportive exchanges.[15] Lisa M. Jaremka from the Institute for Behavioral Medicine Research explains:

Inflammation, a risk factor for a variety of age-related diseases… may be one key mechanistic pathway linking distress to poor health.[14]

Over time, this heightened inflammation primes your immune system to overreact to minor stressors, leaving you more vulnerable to illness. Lifestyle changes that often accompany stress – like poor diet or lack of exercise – can make these problems even worse.

#3 – It Can Lead to Unhealthy Habits

Stress from a breakup often leads to behaviors that amplify health risks. Dr. Deepak Bhatt points out that many people turn to comfort foods like pizza and cookies, which can indirectly harm heart health.[13] Alcohol and smoking are other common coping mechanisms, both of which add to cardiovascular strain.[12][13]

Cortisol, the stress hormone, also impacts your digestion, potentially causing overeating, appetite loss, or even conditions like irritable bowel syndrome. On top of that, stress often discourages physical activity and social interaction, leading to a sedentary lifestyle that weakens both your heart and immune system.

Understanding these risks is a crucial step in breaking the cycle and moving toward healthier habits.

How Can You Recover and Heal?

Recovering from heartbreak is a process that requires care for both your physical and emotional well-being. By taking intentional steps, you can help your body and mind heal from the stress and emotional toll.

#1 – Exercise and Movement

Breakups can throw your hormones out of balance, but exercise can help reset that equilibrium. Physical activity not only burns off nervous energy but also clears stress hormones like cortisol from your system. Plus, it triggers the release of endorphins – those “feel-good” chemicals that naturally lift your mood and ease pain. [16][17]

Different types of exercise can play unique roles in your recovery:

  • Cardio activities like running, swimming, or brisk walking are great for reducing cortisol levels. Aim for 30 minutes of moderate cardio at least four times a week, but if that feels daunting, start small with just 5 to 10 minutes and build up gradually. [16][18]
  • High-intensity workouts such as boxing or kickboxing can be an excellent way to channel anger and frustration. [16][17]
  • Mindful movement practices like yoga or Tai Chi help calm your nervous system. Yoga poses like chest openers and backbends can be particularly helpful for counteracting the physical effects of emotional distress, such as hunching over. [17]
  • Strength training not only builds physical resilience but also boosts emotional confidence.

As Sarah Thompson from Ahead App Blog puts it:

Exercise creates the energy and motivation you’re waiting for. [16]

Start with gentle daily walks and gradually add in strength training, cardio, and high-intensity sessions as you feel ready.

#2 – Eat Well

What you eat can significantly impact how you recover. Breakups often lead to elevated cortisol levels, which can cause erratic blood sugar swings. To stabilize these, include protein-rich foods like eggs, Greek yogurt, and nuts in your meals every few hours [7]. Anti-inflammatory options like berries, fatty fish, and leafy greens can also help reduce inflammation and support your immune system. [7]

Staying hydrated is equally important. High cortisol can lead to increased water loss, so make sure you’re drinking enough fluids throughout the day. [7] If you’re noticing major appetite changes or weight fluctuations, it might be worth consulting a healthcare professional. Supplements like fish oil, St. John’s wort, or S-adenosylmethionine (SAMe) could help support your mood. [18]

Given that around 26.8% of people report significant depressive symptoms within six months of a breakup [, it’s important to focus on small, manageable changes rather than overhauling your entire diet.6] Consistency is key, especially when your body is already feeling depleted.

#3 – Get Better Sleep and Practice Relaxation Methods

Sleep is critical for recovery. Aim for 7 to 9 hours of quality rest each night to help rebalance your neurotransmitters .[18][5] Stick to a regular sleep schedule, even on weekends, to combat insomnia or excessive sleeping, both of which are common after a breakup.

Practices like mindfulness or meditation can also help regulate your emotions. Even just 10 minutes of focused breathing can lower your stress levels and create a sense of calm.

Another important step is to minimize contact with your ex, both digitally and physically. This “no-contact rule” helps your brain reset from the addictive patterns of attachment. [3][2] If you’re tempted to reach out, enlist a trusted friend to act as a “sponsor” for support. Establishing a daily routine – like making your bed or preparing a healthy meal – can also reinforce a sense of normalcy and control.

When self-care feels insufficient, professional guidance can provide additional support.

#4 – Get Some Professional Support

Sometimes, the weight of heartbreak can feel overwhelming, and that’s when professional help can make a difference. A therapist or coach can offer structure and clarity to guide you through this transition. Dr. Adam Borland from Cleveland Clinic explains:

The end of a relationship is a time to reflect, clarify your values and decide what kind of life you want moving forward. [19]

For example, certified coach Mitzi Bockmann from Let Your Dreams Begin offers a 4-week heartbreak course that includes daily activities and one-on-one coaching sessions tailored to your situation. They even offer a free initial session to help you explore your goals without any commitment.

If symptoms like hopelessness, loss of interest, or thoughts of self-harm persist beyond two weeks, it could indicate clinical depression rather than typical grief. [18] Recovery isn’t about rushing or ignoring the pain; it’s about giving yourself the tools and time to heal, all while treating yourself with kindness and patience.

Breakups can set off a cascade of biological and emotional reactions – ones that make getting over the heart break even harder.

Understanding these reactions can help make sense of what you’re feeling. As Erika Martinez, Psy.D., explains:

A breakup is perceived as a stressor by the body, and the body doesn’t distinguish whether that stressor comes in the form of a broken heart or a lion chasing you [4].

This perspective highlights the importance of taking your recovery seriously, especially when grief begins to feel overwhelming or edges toward clinical depression. [18]

Furthermore, understanding these biological shifts opens the door to effective recovery strategies. Simple actions like regular exercise, eating well, maintaining a consistent sleep schedule, and leaning on your social network can help restore balance to your body and mind. These steps address the physical toll heartbreak takes on your system.

If your distress persists beyond two weeks, seeking professional support can make a difference. Therapy, coaching, or even medical care can offer the structure and tools needed to rebuild.

Healing takes time, and your body often recovers before your emotions fully catch up. [7] Be kind to yourself during this process. With patience, understanding, and the right support, you can rebuild your strength and find your footing once again.

6 Important Steps to Handling Betrayal Triggers and Finding The Love You Seek

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There are very few among us who haven’t been betrayed by a partner in one way or another. And those betrayals can stick with us, no matter how hard we work to let them go.

As a result, betrayal triggers can unexpectedly pull you into past pain, activating emotional and physical stress responses like anxiety, anger, or panic.

Fortunately, it is possible to learn how to manage those triggers, even if you have a hard time letting them go.

Here’s how!

5 Steps to Handle Betrayal Triggers: A Visual Guide to Emotional Recovery

5 Steps to Handle Betrayal Triggers: A Visual Guide to Emotional Recovery

#1 – Identify and Name Your Triggers

The first step in managing betrayal triggers is learning to recognize them as they happen. Pay close attention to physical reactions like a racing heart, sweaty palms, tightness in your chest, or even nausea. [7][1] These are your body’s way of signaling that your nervous system has been activated by a trauma response.

If you find yourself feeling emotionally overwhelmed or reacting more strongly than the situation might seem to warrant, pause and take a moment to pinpoint the specific cause. [7][8] Was it a certain word? Someone’s tone? A location? A specific action.

A great thing to do is to keep stock of these moments by identifying the trigger and sorting it into categories like:

  • Situational: Certain places, dates, or anniversaries.
  • Sensory: Specific smells, sounds, or visuals.
  • Verbal: Words or phrases that hit a nerve.
  • Internal: Intrusive memories that resurface unexpectedly. [1][3][4][8]

By recognizing these patterns, you’ll be better equipped to take the next step: naming your triggers.

“Triggers are a universal experience of trauma survivors everywhere… reminders of that event, and the feelings and thoughts that came with it, can be overwhelming, unexpected, and extremely scary.” – Coach Cat, APSATS trained coach [7]

When you name, or label, a trigger, you shift your brain from an automatic emotional reaction to a more rational, grounded response. [1] For example, saying something as simple as, “I feel unprotected right now,” or acknowledging, “My chest feels tight,” can help you start to process the experience. [1][9]

“Naming your emotions can help make them more understandable and tolerable. It also helps you feel in control of your feelings rather than having them control you.” – MindWell NYC [9]

Labeling your triggers reduces emotional reactivity and gives you the ability to respond thoughtfully rather than being overwhelmed. [1] This is a crucial step toward emotional regulation because it helps to minimize the fight, flight, or freeze reactions that often come with trauma. [4][7] To deepen this practice, try journaling about your triggers, your emotions, and any memories they bring up. Over time, this can reveal patterns and help you develop strategies to manage them. [6][7]

#2 – Learn How To Understand Your Body’s Response

For many of us, when those triggers hit, the worst part is what we feel in our body. It can be very scary and overwhelming and may even shut us down. Understanding why this happens can be helpful.

When faced with a betrayal trigger, your brain’s amygdala kicks into high gear, activating the fight, flight, or freeze response. Essentially, your nervous system treats betrayal as though it’s a physical threat – a full-blown emergency.

This response floods your body with cortisol and adrenaline, leading to physical symptoms like a racing heartbeat, tightness in your chest, tense muscles, digestive problems, and even chronic fatigue. At the same time, your brain shifts focus away from the prefrontal cortex, the part responsible for rational thinking and decision-making.

“Your nervous system doesn’t distinguish between physical and emotional threats when it comes to survival.” – Prescott House [1]

Your brain may also latch onto sensory details from the original betrayal. Later, when similar cues arise, your body reacts as if the betrayal is happening all over again. This explains why you might experience hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, or that frustrating brain fog. While these reactions can feel overwhelming, they’re actually your body’s way of trying to protect you – not a reflection of personal failure.

Its also important to note that the intense physical and emotional reactions you experience aren’t signs of weakness or overreaction. They’re automatic protective mechanisms that your nervous system uses to shield you from further harm. Recognizing this can help you approach these feelings with less self-judgment. The shock, anger, panic, or helplessness you feel are completely normal responses to a deep breach of trust.

“These symptoms are not signs of weakness. They are your body and brain’s natural responses to feeling deeply unsafe after a violation of trust.” – MindWell NYC [10]

Understanding how your triggers connect to your body’s automatic responses is an important step toward managing them and regaining a sense of control.

#3 – Use Grounding and Calming Techniques

Recognizing how your body reacts to stress is the first step in breaking the cycle. Grounding techniques are designed to shift your focus away from overwhelming emotions and bring you back to the present moment. Dr. Melissa Young, a Functional Medicine Specialist at Cleveland Clinic, describes it perfectly:

“Grounding techniques are the thing that can keep you rooted and safe, like a tree in the face of strong winds.” [11]

These practices allow you to observe your emotions without acting on them impulsively, giving you the mental space to respond thoughtfully rather than being swept away by panic or frustration.

One popular grounding method is the 5-4-3-2-1 technique, which uses your senses to anchor you. Pause and identify:

  • 5 Visual cues: Things you can see around you.
  • 4 Tactile cues: Things you can touch.
  • 3 Auditory cues: Sounds you can hear.
  • 2 Olfactory cues: Scents you can smell.
  • 1 Gustatory cue: Something you can taste.

This exercise pulls your attention away from distressing thoughts and redirects it to your immediate environment.

Another helpful tool is the butterfly hug. Cross your arms over your chest and gently tap your shoulders in an alternating pattern. This simple action can help regulate your nervous system. For a more intense grounding experience, hold an ice cube or splash cold water on your face – both can jolt your focus back to your body. Even clenching your fists or gripping the edge of a chair for a few seconds before releasing the tension can provide a quick outlet for pent-up energy.

Breathing exercises are also a quick and effective way to signal to your body that you’re safe. Many of us, when we are stressed out, unwittingly hold our breath, making thinking clearly impossible. Fortunately, learning some breathing techniques can help you during these stressful moments.

Try box breathing: inhale for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 4 seconds, and exhale for 4 seconds. For a deeper calming effect, the 4-4-8 method works wonders: inhale for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds, and exhale slowly over 8 seconds. This extended exhale activates your body’s natural relaxation response.

Another option is belly breathing. Place one hand on your stomach, inhale deeply so your belly rises, and then exhale fully. Practicing this technique regularly can train your nervous system to handle stress more effectively.

Finally, journaling is another way to create a space where you can untangle the emotions brought on by betrayal. A trigger journal can be especially useful – write down what happened, how you felt, and any memories that surfaced. Over time, you may start to see patterns that can help you better anticipate and manage difficult situations.

Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, offers this advice:

“The key is not to fight the waves but to ride them as you’re moving through them. Give yourself permission to cry, scream, journal, or simply sit with your feelings.” [5]

#4 – Change Negative Thinking Patterns

Managing your thoughts is an essential part of regaining control after experiencing betrayal. The aftermath of betrayal doesn’t just sting in the moment – it can leave lasting imprints on your mind, shaping how you perceive danger and disappointment. Studies reveal that between 30% and 60% of betrayed partners develop symptoms that meet clinical criteria for PTSD, depression, or anxiety. [17] Your mind, in an effort to shield you, may create protective narratives that keep you stuck in distress.

The first step is to recognize when you’re stuck in a cycle of negative thinking. Rumination, for instance, happens when you repeatedly dwell on your pain without taking steps to address it .[14] Dr. K, a licensed psychologist, explains:

“Your brain sees the affair as a serious threat, and it’s working overtime to make sure you don’t miss important details that might protect you from future harm” [14].

Be on the lookout for common thought distortions, including:

  • Catastrophizing: Imagining the worst-case scenario.
  • Black-and-white thinking: Viewing situations as entirely good or bad, with no middle ground.
  • Overgeneralization: Assuming “no one can be trusted” based on a single betrayal.
  • Self-blame: Convincing yourself that “I wasn’t enough.” [16][18]

These patterns may feel valid but are often overreactions designed to protect you. When you notice a spike in emotions like anxiety or anger, pause and ask yourself: “What was I just thinking?” [19] This small moment of reflection can help you pinpoint the thought driving your reaction. Once you’ve identified these negative loops, the next step is to actively reframe them.

So how does one reframe their thoughts? I know the idea can be daunting but it is possible.

A helpful tool for shifting your mindset is the “Catch it, Check it, Change it” method. [20] Here’s how it works:

  1. Catch it: Notice the thought as it arises.
  2. Check it: Ask yourself, “Is there objective evidence to support this thought?” or “Is there a more balanced way to see this situation?” [19]
  3. Change it: Replace the unhelpful thought with one that’s more realistic and constructive.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I’ll never find a fulfilling relationship again,” challenge it by examining the facts. One betrayal doesn’t define your future. A more balanced perspective might be: “This relationship didn’t work out, but I’m capable of rebuilding trust when I’m ready.”

Another way to test your thoughts is the “Friend Test.” Compare your inner dialogue to how you would speak to a close friend. If you wouldn’t say it to someone you care about, it’s likely a harmful thought pattern. [18]

Dr. Susan Albers from Cleveland Clinic offers an important reminder:

“A thought is not a fact.” [21]

When intrusive thoughts arise, ask yourself: “Is this thought helping me right now?” [15] If it’s not, label it as a mental habit rather than a truth, and consciously redirect your focus. Don’t let distorted thinking take the reins in your healing process.

#5 – Set Boundaries and Build Safe Spaces

Once you’ve shifted your perspective, the next step is to protect your emotional and mental well-being by setting clear boundaries.

Betrayal can leave deep wounds, and your nervous system needs reassurance that it’s safe to begin healing.[2] It’s important to understand that boundaries aren’t about punishing the person who hurt you – they’re tools for protecting yourself and regaining control over your surroundings. [22] These boundaries help lay the groundwork for creating a safe space, both internally and externally.

The first step is limiting your exposure to reminders of the betrayal. This could mean avoiding certain people, places, songs, movies, or photos that bring up painful memories. Take charge of your digital environment, too, by muting or blocking content that might trigger you. Let your friends and family know what topics are off-limits – like asking them not to mention or share updates about the person who hurt you.

Jamie Gibbs, LPC, CSAT, CST, offers this perspective:

“Boundaries aren’t walls – they’re bridges to healing. They allow you to reclaim your power, express your needs, and create conditions for rebuilding trust” [22].

Consider trying a 24-hour “emotional fast” by stepping away from recounting the betrayal, scrolling through social media, or dwelling on the pain. This brief pause can give your nervous system the time it needs to start repairing. [13] When someone crosses a boundary you’ve set, take a moment before responding and ask yourself, “Is this worth my peace?” Sometimes, choosing silence can be one of the most effective ways to reinforce a boundary. [13]

With boundaries firmly in place, the next step is to create spaces that actively support your emotional recovery.

Once you have set, and stuck to, your boundaries, its time to focus on crafting environments that promote your sense of calm and safety. Designate a physical retreat where you can decompress. This could be a corner in your home with soft lighting, cozy blankets, and a journal for reflection. Visualizing peaceful settings, like a serene beach or a quiet forest, can also help you quickly regain your sense of calm.

Additionally, identify one or two people you trust to simply listen without trying to “fix” things. Be direct with them by saying, “I don’t need solutions right now; I just need a space to feel.” [13] Rebuilding trust starts with small steps – focus on “micro-trust” by making simple, safe choices, like deciding what to eat or confiding in a reliable friend. [13]

#6 – Seek Out Professional Support for Long-Term Healing

While self-help strategies can empower you to manage betrayal triggers, long-term recovery often benefits from professional guidance. Research shows that over 70% of people experience trauma in their lives, with betrayal in close relationships being a significant contributor to conditions like depression, dissociation, and PTSD. [2] A skilled professional understands these triggers as natural biological responses, not personal weaknesses. [2]

Therapists trained in betrayal trauma utilize proven methods to support healing. These include Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to shift negative thought patterns, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) to process traumatic memories, and Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) to enhance emotional regulation. [2] These approaches complement the self-help techniques mentioned earlier, creating a deeper and more structured path to recovery.

As Laurie Hall, Partner Support Program Facilitator at Begin Again Institute, highlights:

“A qualified mental health professional can help guide you through the process of identifying and understanding what’s happened and give you tools for moving forward.” [23]

Life coaching is also an excellent tool for dealing with betrayal triggers. A life coach (like me) will work with you to develop tools to manage your specific betrayal and work with you to create strategies to help manage betrayal triggers, rebuild trust in your judgment, and guide you toward meaningful growth. [3][5][6]

Dealing with betrayal triggers is about managing your reactions, not rewriting the past.

By following these five steps – identifying triggers, understanding your responses, grounding yourself, reframing your thoughts, and setting boundaries – you can take charge of your emotions. Healing isn’t a quick fix; it’s a long journey that often feels unpredictable. [3]

Start by trusting yourself in small, everyday decisions before extending trust to others. [13] Self-kindness will be your most powerful tool. When triggers arise, recognize that your reactions are a natural response to a significant emotional injury. Celebrate small wins – like a single day without feeling overwhelmed or successfully using a grounding technique when needed. [3] These moments, however small, are milestones in your recovery.

You can do this! I know you can! And remember – I am here to help if you need me!

4 Steps to An Effective Apology to Your Partner After Infidelity

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I know that it might seem hard to imagine that there is anything that you could do to ease the pain that your partner is feeling after discovering your infidelity. And I get that – words just don’t seem like they would be enough. Infidelity is one of the most painful betrayals in a relationship, and one of the hardest things to get over

What I can tell you is that an apology is an excellent starting point to healing a relationship that has been torn apart because one partner cheated. It won’t undo the damage, but its a critical first step toward healing.

Knowing how to do an effective apology is the key to its success.

4-Step Process to Apologize After Infidelity and Rebuild Trust

4-Step Process to Apologize After Infidelity and Rebuild Trust

Five Steps to Deepen Your Apology After Infidelity

#1 – Take Full Responsibility for Your Actions

I know that this might seem obvious, but the first and most important step to apologizing after infidelity is to take complete responsibility for what happened. This goes beyond simply admitting the affair – it’s about fully accepting the consequences of your actions and showing your commitment to rebuilding trust through consistent, meaningful actions, not just words. [2]

“Taking full responsibility for an affair is not the same as admitting to having an affair. Admitting wrongdoing is only a first step.”
– Guy Winch Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist [2]

This can be much harder than one would think. After all, it can be hard to admit to someone else, or even oneself, the devastating impact that their behavior had on another person.

In relationship psychology, defensiveness that can destroy a relationship. The antidote? Owning your actions without excuses or justifications. [4]

Avoid Excuses or Shifting Blame

No matter the challenges you were facing, they don’t justify infidelity. [2][6] Don’t blame external factors or personal insecurities for your choices. It is up to you to address relationship issues constructively, not through betrayal. It’s also not okay to blame your partner in any way. While, yes, you might have found their behavior frustrating, that doesn’t give you the right to blow up their life with your cheating.

I had a client whose partner refused to take any responsibility for his cheating. He felt like she had abandoned him emotionally and physically and that if she had just been willing to take care of his needs, he wouldn’t have strayed.

Whatever….

When speaking to your partner, be direct and clear. A statement like, “I take full responsibility for my decision to cheat. It was entirely my fault,” can go a long way in showing accountability.

Be Honest About What Happened

Rebuilding trust requires complete honesty. Your partner deserves to know the truth – without omissions or sugarcoating. [1] Answer their questions openly, even if it’s uncomfortable or painful, so they can fully understand what happened.

Do NOT, under any circumstances, take the tactic where details are revealed gradually over time. Don’t kid yourself that not letting your partner know everything right away is the right thing to do, that it will hurt them less. This approach might make things easier for you but only deepens mistrust and makes healing even harder. [6] Put everything out on the table from the start, even if it feels overwhelming.

Transparency also means providing details where necessary. Your partner most likely has a lot of questions they want answered so step up and let them know all the nitty, gritty about the affair, whatever it is they want to know! [8][5] This isn’t about invading privacy; it’s about showing you have nothing to hide and are committed to restoring safety in the relationship.

“Transparency and telling the full truth no matter what will build trust.”
– Lori Wilder Hollander, LCSW-C, BCD [8]

Finally, ending all contact with the person involved in the affair is non-negotiable. Block their number, delete social media connections, and take any other necessary steps to demonstrate that your focus is fully on repairing your primary relationship. [2] By being transparent and decisive, you show your partner that their healing is your priority and doing so will also help you accept that the affair is well and truly over!

#2 – Recognize and Validate Your Partner’s Pain

Once accountability is established, the next essential step is recognizing and validating your partner’s pain. They are most likely struggling in a big way and for you to try to pretend that the situation isn’t a big deal, or that your partner is making a mountain out of a molehill, won’t help you move forward.

Infidelity leaves a deep wound, often sparking emotions so intense they can resemble symptoms of PTSD – feelings like anger, sadness, and humiliation are common.[4]

“In some ways finding out about infidelity feels like learning about the death of a loved one. You are in shock. And you are grieving the loss of the dream you treasured of a loving marriage to a faithful partner.”
– Michele Weiner-Davis, MSW, Author[3]

Validation is about acknowledging that your partner’s pain is both real and justified. By responding with empathy and compassion, you begin to lay the foundation for rebuilding trust.[4]

Listen Without Interrupting

Your partner needs the space to share their pain and emotions fully, and your job is to listen without jumping in to defend yourself. Avoid interrupting, correcting their account, or justifying your actions. Active listening means being present and showing genuine empathy – this demonstrates your commitment to understanding their experience.[11]

And, if your partner feels like you are truly hearing what they are saying, they will be way more likely to accept your apology and perhaps move forward. If they feel like you are just going through the motions, your apology will fail.[10]

If emotions run high and you feel too overwhelmed to listen effectively, it’s okay to pause the conversation. Let your partner know you need a moment to collect yourself, but be clear about when you’ll continue. For example, you might say, “I want to hear everything you need to say, but I need a few minutes to calm down so I can listen properly.” Setting a specific time to resume shows you’re not avoiding the discussion.[9].

Acknowledge the Hurt You Caused

Show your partner you understand their perspective by using language that validates their feelings and the impact of your actions. For example, you might say, “I totally understand why you are feeling this way. If I were in your position, I would be devastated.”[3][13]

“Trust grows as you express compassion and empathy for one another’s feelings, and this foundation is essential when you experience betrayal.”
– The Gottman Institute[4]

When your partner expresses difficult emotions, let them you know that you see hear them. For instance, say, “I can see that you’re feeling humiliated and betrayed.” This can help ease their distress. If you see that your partner is struggling to express their feelings, you can also use open-ended questions like, “What emotions are you experiencing right now?” to encourage them to share more deeply.[5]

#3 – Deliver a Clear and Heartfelt Apology

Once you’ve taken the time to truly listen and validate your partner’s feelings, the next step is offering a clear and heartfelt apology. This isn’t the time for vague statements like, “I’m sorry for whatever I did” or “I apologize for what happened.” Phrases like these are weak and ineffective and will most likely make your partner feel like you really don’t care about the hurt that you caused.

A meaningful, effective apology requires you to take full responsibility for your actions and the damage they caused. Owning your mistakes and offering tangible steps to make amends is far more impactful than simply asking for forgiveness. [14] Your partner needs to hear that you understand what you did, why it was wrong, and how it hurt them – not just that you’re uncomfortable with the situation and want it all to go away.

Be Specific About What You’re Apologizing For

It’s important speak to the specifics of the harm you caused. For example, instead of a general “I’m sorry,” say “I am sorry for the affair with [Name].” Psychiatrist Scott Haltzman emphasizes the importance of addressing the full scope of the harm:

“You are apologizing for much more than ‘having an affair.’ There is a lot more that you have done… things like causing embarrassment to the family, giving up family time, or even bringing home STDs. Your partner wants you to take responsibility for all of it.” [15]

One of my clients knew that her husband really needed to know that she understood what she did to him. She realized that acknowledging that her betrayal had left him feeling like he needed to be constantly on guard was what he needed to hear. When she said the words, “I made a mistake,” instead of deflecting accountability, she could feel some of the anger leaving his body.

I do recommend preparing your apology in advance as it can help you organize your thoughts and ensure you address every aspect of the harm caused, reducing the chance of becoming defensive during the conversation.

Show Genuine Regret

True remorse centers on your partner’s pain, not your own discomfort or guilt. Apologies that focus on self-comfort rather than empathy will come across as insincere, and your partner will notice.

“To preserve or re-establish connections with other people, you have to let go of concerns about right and wrong and try instead to understand the other person’s experience.”
– Dr. Ronald Siegel, Assistant Professor of Psychology, Harvard Medical School [12]

Express your regret clearly and avoid undermining your apology with excuses or justifications. Instead of saying, “I’m sorry you feel hurt,” use a statement like, “I’m sorry for the pain my lies about the affair caused you.” If you feel the need to explain your actions, frame it as context, not a defense. For example, “I was seeking validation, but that does not excuse my behavior.” Finally, ask your partner directly, “What do you need from me right now to feel even a little bit safer?”

#4 – Demonstrate Your Commitment Through Actions

After offering a heartfelt apology that recognizes the hurt caused, the next step is to back up your words with consistent actions. And this is key! You know the phrase “Actions speak louder than words.” It is expressly applicable to this situation!

Trust isn’t rebuilt with promises alone – it requires visible effort. As Dr. John Gottman explains, “Restoring trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [3] This means showing your commitment through transparency, accountability, and follow-through. Continue to answer questions as they arise. Make sure that you are accountable for any actions or behaviors. Work hard to let your partner know that you want to make amends.

Any lapse in these areas can deepen the wound, so consistency is key. Actions, more than words, affirm the sincerity of your apology.

Be Transparent and Take Responsibility

Transparency means opening up your life without hesitation or defensiveness. Share access to things like passwords, financial records, and your daily schedule to show you have nothing to hide. Keep your partner in the loop about your whereabouts and any changes to your plans. This level of openness helps rebuild reliability. If your work or life involves interactions with the person you had the affair with, discuss boundaries with your partner and agree on how to handle those situations. It’s also essential to take full responsibility for your actions, regardless of any issues that may have existed in the relationship before. Owning your role is a critical step toward reestablishing an emotional connection.

Seek Professional Support

Seeking professional help is another excellent way to show your commitment to repairing the relationship. As Terry Gaspard, MSW, LICSW, notes, “Recovering from an affair always takes the expertise of a trained therapist and a willingness to express hurt feelings in a safe setting that can facilitate healing.” [3] A relationship coach (LIKE ME!) can provide a neutral environment for difficult conversations, helping you and your partner navigate the emotional aftermath without escalating conflicts. Professional guidance also allows you to explore the deeper reasons behind your actions and learn healthier ways to communicate and give you tools to create lasting, positive change.

What Definitely Not To Do When Apologizing

It’s very important that your apology helps rebuild trust instead of causing further harm. Even the most genuine apologies can miss the mark if certain missteps are made. So work hard to avoid these mistakes at all costs if you want to save your relationship.

Avoid Vague or Empty Apologies

Statements like “I’m sorry for everything” or “I apologize for what happened” can come across as hollow and insincere. They often suggest an inability to fully acknowledge the specifics of your actions. Clinical psychologist Michaela Thomas explains:

“If there is gaslighting and blaming of the injured partner for what happened, that is a strong warning sign. It’s never your ‘fault’ if your partner has cheated on you.”

A meaningful apology requires clarity and specificity. For example, instead of saying, “I’m sorry for hurting you,” try “I’m sorry for betraying your trust by having an affair and lying about my whereabouts, over and over.” This level of detail demonstrates that you understand the true impact of your actions.

Also, stay away from the word “but.” Pairing your apology with excuses – phrases like “I’m sorry, but…” dilute the sincerity of your words and can make your partner feel like you are deflecting blame onto them.

Don’t Push for Quick Forgiveness

Expecting your partner to forgive you quickly adds unnecessary pressure and can hinder the healing process. Recovering from infidelity is a gradual journey that requires patience. Triggers like flashbacks or heightened vigilance may continue to surface long after the initial incident. For one of my clients, even 20 years later her husband still struggles to accept that she had an affair. Michaela Thomas emphasizes:

“Rebuilding trust takes time and commitment, and it is important to remember that the phrase ‘forgive and forget’ doesn’t apply here, it is more about ‘forgive and let go’ to move forward.”

Show your commitment to the process without imposing deadlines. Let your partner know that you’re aware healing will take time and that you’re prepared to support them for as long as it takes. Do not expect them to “just get over it.” I know that you might like this to happen but it just won’t. It wouldn’t if the roles were reversed, I am guessing.

This patience and dedication are key to moving forward together.

Apologizing after infidelity is just the first step in a long journey toward healing.

Real progress comes from actions, not just words. As Dr. John Gottman puts it, “Trust is an action rather than a belief. It’s more about what your partner does than what they say.” [3] Rebuilding trust takes time, consistency, and a willingness to show, not just tell, your commitment to change.

Professionals talk of three key phases in recovery after infidelity: Atonement (taking full responsibility for the betrayal), Attunement (re-establishing emotional connection), and Attachment (rebuilding intimacy). [5][6] Each stage requires patience and effort from both partners. Research indicates that 60–75% of couples who engage in specialized therapy after infidelity manage to stay together and even report improved relationships.[7] This isn’t about returning to the way things were – it’s about creating something better, a “Marriage 2.0” built on stronger communication and deeper emotional intimacy. [6]

Rebuilding trust takes time, patience, and effort. While the journey is challenging, a combination of honesty, empathy, and consistent actions can help repair the relationship and foster a stronger bond.

And remember, when the process feels stalled, professional help can provide valuable guidance. A trained relationship coach can offer personalized neutral mediation, practical tools for better communication, and insights into the root causes of the disconnection. [4][17]

How Technology Can Help, And Hurt, Romantic Relationships, According to Experts

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Technology is, in so many ways, shaping our lives. When it comes to relationships, its influence can be particularly profound.

While technology can help people stay close through texts, video calls, and social media, especially over long distances, it also creates challenges because it can get in the way of healthy relationship dynamics.

Understanding how technology can both help and hurt a relationship is key to making sure that it doesn’t affect you and your life and your happily ever after.

“By allowing technology to interfere with or interrupt conversations, activities, and time with romantic partners – even when unintentional or for brief moments – individuals may be sending implicit messages about what they value most, leading to conflict and negative outcomes.” [2]

How Can Technology Strengthen A Relationship?

#1 – Staying Connected Across Distance

I remember the days when long distance relationships were impossible to manage. Between long distance telephone rates and snail-mail, maintaining a emotional attachment was very difficult. Technology has become a lifeline for couples trying to stay emotionally connected, no matter where they are. In fact, 21% of partnered cell phone or internet users say online or text communication makes them feel closer to their significant other. [5] For younger couples aged 18 to 29, that number climbs to 41%. [5]

Its amazing how a quick “thinking of you” text during a busy day or a video call to wind down together helps bridge the physical gap and make us feel even closer to our significant other. Even at home, 25% of couples admit to texting each other within the same space, proving how digital communication is now a natural part of daily life.[5] These small but consistent gestures lay the groundwork for meaningful emotional exchanges.

#2 – Making It Easier to Share Feelings, Sometimes

I believe that in many situations, texting can become a go-to method for tackling emotional conversations. When feelings are intense, typing out thoughts gives people the chance to pause, reflect, and choose their words carefully – without the immediate pressure of a face-to-face discussion.

Texting also provides a safe environment for handling tough topics. Emojis, used over 10 billion times daily worldwide, add a layer of emotional nuance, acting as digital stand-ins for facial expressions and gestures. [7]

That being said, it is important to note that texting is not always a great way of discussing difficult topics. I know, from personal experience, that people do say things over text that they might not say face-to-face. Furthermore, texts can be misconstrued because the emotions that are attached to the words are difficult to discern. As a result, people might take things differently from the way they were intended. This is particularly the case with women who tend to analyze every word in a text that is sent to them. So, maybe use texting as a way to initiate a conversation might be a good idea but, if things starts to escalate, switch to a face-to-face conversation or a telephone call.

Research does show that 9% of partnered adults have resolved arguments digitally when in-person resolution felt too difficult. Among younger adults aged 18 to 29, that number jumps to 23%. [5] So, perhaps, using texting as a means of resolving difficulties is one tool in the toolbox that can help transform potentially challenging conversations into more manageable exchanges.

#3 – Building Bonds

Everyday digital habits can play a huge role in strengthening emotional ties. For instance, 48% of partnered social media users aged 18 to 29 say platforms like Instagram or TikTok are key to showing how much they care about their partner. [3] Social media users over 30 say the same thing about Facebook.

Whether it’s leaving a supportive comment, sharing a funny post, or simply checking in, these actions create a sense of ongoing contact that keeps couples emotionally connected even during hectic schedules. [8]

That being said, as much as being on social media can connect to people, so can NOT using social media affect a relationship. I have a client who would watch her partner post TikToks that were related to his work even as he didn’t return her text messages. That she knew what he was doing all the day didn’t help her feel safe as she felt like his work was more important to him than she was.

Sharing passwords, or locations, – something 67% of users do – can add another layer of trust and transparency. [5] Tools like shared calendars and synchronized schedules also help couples stay on the same page, making it easier to navigate life together.[5] These digital habits, while seemingly small, can collectively build a strong foundation for emotional intimacy.

Esther Perel on The Other AI: Artificial Intimacy | SXSW 2023

SXSW

How Does Technology Damage Relationships?

While technology has undoubtedly transformed the way we connect, it also poses challenges to emotional closeness in relationships. As I said above, using texting as the only means of communication about difficult issues or not using social media in a way that makes your partner feel safe can disrupt the delicate balance of intimacy and connection. It is important to understand how technology can damage even the healthiest of relationships.

#1 – Technoferencing and Phubbing

Technology can be both a bridge and a barrier for couples. And, of course, technology has come up with two names for things that can get in the way of a healthy relationship: technoferencing and phubbing. (Kind of silly words, no?)

Technoferencing refers to the interruptions in daily interactions caused by technology. [10] Phubbing, on the other hand, happens when one partner ignores the other in favor of their phone or device. [9]

I am sure that you have experienced one or both of these things more than once in your relationship. Perhaps you and your partner were having an important discussion and a friend reached out to him to talk about football. Your partner might have stopped paying attention to the conversation and focused on his friend’s text instead, leaving you feeling unimportant and abandoned.

I remember how one of my ex-boyfriends would always pick up his phone during ads while we were watching TV. He never turned to me to say what do you think or to hug me or to ask if I wanted a snack. Instead he always picked up his phone and scrolled. I found it incredibly insulting.

Studies show that these distractions are alarmingly common – 70% of women in committed relationships report that technology interferes with their interactions. [10] When a partner reaches for their phone during shared moments, it can diminish someone’s ability to recognize and respond empathetically to emotional needs [9].

Psychologist Brandon McDaniel explains:

“Many interruptions, even unintentional, send the message that the technology device is more important in that moment than one’s romantic partner.” [10]

For people with anxious attachment styles, this behavior can amplify fears of rejection and spark jealousy. [9] Feeling rejected, the neglected partner might also turn to their phone, creating a cycle of disconnection. Even the mere presence of a phone can chip away at trust and reduce feelings of empathy. [9]

#2 – Social Media Jealousy and Disagreements

Social media platforms often blur boundaries in relationships, leading to misunderstandings and tension. For example, 23% of partnered adults have reported feeling jealous or uncertain about their relationship due to their partner’s online interactions. [3] Additionally, over half (53%) of social media users admit to checking up on an ex-partner online. [3]

This, I always tell my clients, is something that it’s important to recognize right away in a relationship. After all, when those boundaries do get blurred because of social media, a healthy relationship can be difficult. Remember, someone’s social media presence doesn’t necessarily represent the truth of their life. What it is is a representation of the best part of their life. So, if someone’s partner posts something that feels like a half truth, or doesn’t involve an accurate representation of their relationship, they can feel deceived and disrespected.

Platforms like Instagram and TikTok can further strain relationships, just like they do productivity. Research shows that excessive use of Instagram often leads to lower relationship satisfaction and more frequent arguments because users often get so involved by what they’re seeing on their screen that they damage any connection they might have with their partner in the moment. They also might overuse the apps which, like any other addiction, can be devastating to any kind of relationship. [12] As Skye Bouffard noted:

“The sequential effects of reduced relationship satisfaction and increased conflicts then triggered addictive use of Instagram.” [12]

Interestingly, the cultural context also plays a role. In Western cultures, phubbing tends to result in direct conflicts, while in Eastern cultures, it’s more closely tied to lower marital satisfaction and heightened jealousy. [9] These patterns reveal how technology can gradually erode trust and intimacy.

#3- Online Betrayal and Broken Trust

Technology has introduced new ways for trust to be compromised in relationships. Emotional cheating, for instance, involves forming a deep emotional bond with someone outside the relationship and sharing thoughts or feelings that should be reserved for one’s partner. Even seemingly minor actions, like secretly checking an ex’s social media or flirting online, can breach trust. [13] Clinical psychologist Dr. Elizabeth Carr explains:

“Emotional cheating involves a level of secrecy, emotional intimacy, or reliance on someone that should typically be reserved for one’s partner.” [13]

Digital snooping is another behavior that undermines trust. Research shows that women engage in this behavior more often than men – 42% compared to 25%. [3] Among younger adults, 52% admit to such actions.[3] I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me the first time because of something that they have discovered on their partners phone. They know they shouldn’t have been snooping, but they couldn’t help themselves.

Again, media addiction can also play a significant role in these dynamics. Research shows a strong link between media addiction and phubbing which can create a feedback loop where technology not only causes but also intensifies insecurities in relationships. [9]

How Can You Effectively Use Technology to Keep Your Relationship Healthy?

Technology has its challenges, but when used thoughtfully, it can actually bring couples closer. The secret lies in setting clear boundaries and using digital tools to enhance your connection – never to replace it.

#1 – Setting Limits on Device Use

Creating device-free zones is one way to protect quality time. Studies reveal that technoference happens on about 21.5% of days, disrupting moments that couples need to connect. [11] To counter this, designate phone-free areas like the dining table, bedroom, or during date nights. You can also keep chargers in shared spaces to discourage private scrolling. [14][15][17]

In a 14-day study, over half of participants (56.1%) reported phone interruptions on at least two or three days, and those moments often led to feelings of sadness, boredom, or even anger for 62% of them. [11][1] Researcher McDaniel found that even brief interruptions from technology can send the wrong message – making your partner feel like they’re not your top priority. [2] By setting these limits, you create space for more meaningful conversations and connection.

#2 – Communicating Thoughtfully

Technology can actually strengthen your bond when used with intention. While sometimes it might be good idea to use texting for sensitive topics, stick to face-to-face conversations or phone calls to avoid misunderstandings. [15][16] On the flip side, small digital gestures – like sending a sweet text, a voice note, or even a funny meme – can show your partner you’re thinking of them throughout the day. These little moments of connection help balance out the distractions that devices can bring.

If you do need to use your phone while spending time together, involve your partner. Show them what you’re doing or explain why it’s important. Research suggests that when you include your partner in your phone activities, it helps reduce feelings of being left out and keeps the connection intact. [1] And here’s a simple rule: in-person conversations always come first. If your partner wants to talk face-to-face, set your phone aside immediately. [15][16] You can even turn on airplane mode during special moments – it’s a small gesture that shows your partner they matter more than any notification.

#3- Repairing Trust When Technology is Making Things Worse

When technology causes tension or trust is broken, rebuilding that trust is crucial. Start with an open conversation to define what trust means for both of you and to agree on digital boundaries moving forward. [18] Being honest about your mistakes, taking responsibility, and expressing genuine remorse can go a long way towards rebuilding that trust. [18]

If phone use has become a problem in your relationship, consider making phone use a part of regular weekly relationship check-ins. Share what’s working, where there are challenges, and any concerns about how your phones might be affecting your relationship. [19] It’s important to express your feelings without shaming or blame, like saying “I’d really appreciate some uninterrupted time together,” instead of “You’re always on your phone.” This way, your partner won’t feel attacked and might be more willing to work together to make sure that technology isn’t damaging the relationship.

Technology can either bring couples closer or create distance – it all depends on how it’s used.

Research highlights this dual impact: 21% of people in committed relationships feel more connected to their partner through digital interactions yet 51% admit their partner gets distracted by their phone during conversations. [5][3] The key to tipping the scale in favor of connection lies in being intentional and aware of your tech habits.

Simple gestures like sending a thoughtful text can strengthen your bond, while behaviors like phubbing or technoference can slowly undermine relationship satisfaction. Psychotherapist Amy Morin explains it well:

“One or two bad habits with technology could damage your bond. While issues like jealousy and communication problems certainly pre-date smartphones and social media, technology has allowed them to grow bigger” [4].

Remember, the power to shape your relationship in the digital age is in your hands – literally.

As technology continues to evolve, the core elements of a strong relationship remain unchanged: undivided attention, genuine presence, and making your partner feel valued. By setting aside distractions and focusing on meaningful connection, you can ensure your relationship thrives – even in a world filled with screens.

5 Ways to Process The Pain When Your Married Man Betrays You…Again

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I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, your married man has let you down again. Maybe he has made promises that he hasn’t kept or not been there when you needed him or maybe even decided to walk away from you. And I am guessing that you are feeling a pain that is worse than anything that you have ever felt before. (Or at least since the last time he did this to you)

I am so so sorry. I have been there and I know that it HURTS!

Being betrayed by a man who says that he loves you can make you feel like your world has been turned upside down, leaving you with intense emotions and a shaken sense of trust. Even if you know that letting him go might be the best thing that you can do for yourself, the emotional pain that you are feeling is real and can have lasting effects on your mental and physical health. But healing is possible.

Here are some steps that you can take to get you on the path to letting go of the pain and move on.

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

5 Steps to Heal from Emotional Betrayal

Healing from Betrayal Trauma (Science-Based)

#1 – Accept What Happened

The first step in healing from your married man’s betrayal is acknowledging the reality of what has occurred – even when it hurts. Denial might feel easier in the moment, but it only delays the healing process. Research highlights that avoidance strategies often make recovery more difficult. [6] Acceptance doesn’t mean you condone what happened or forgive right away – it simply means recognizing the impact the betrayal has had on your life.

“Accepting these feelings is the first step to recovery.”
– School of Modern Psychology [4]

I know that it might seem scary, but acknowledging your emotions fully is what sets you up for deeper healing.

Betrayal often stirs up a whirlwind of emotions – anger, sadness, shock, fear, or even shame. [5] Instead of suppressing these feelings, it’s important to allow yourself to experience them. Dr. Debi Silber, Founder and CEO of The PBT Institute, puts it succinctly: “Face it, feel it, heal it.” [6] By naming what you’re feeling – whether it’s rage, grief, or insecurity – you can take away some of their power by fully feeling those feelings.[5] This acknowledgment becomes the first step toward practical healing.

While feeling your feelings is important, it is important that you not feel these feelings every minute of every day. We often get, oddly, addicted to feeling the pain of the betrayal. We feed that pain by talking to our friends or desperately looking on TikTok for other people who have been betrayed. All of those things are good, in the beginning, but focusing on it will only keep you from healing. Look for positive things as well – things about living happily ever after!

So, feel those feelings, and then let them go!

#2 – Write Down Your Feelings

When emotions feel overwhelming, writing them down can bring a sense of relief you might not expect. There is something incredibly powerful about getting thoughts that have been swirling around in your head out of there and onto paper where you might be able to make sense of them.

Writing things down also offers a safe space to pour out raw emotions without fear of judgment. In fact, research shows that just four days of expressive writing can improve happiness for months and even reduce doctor visits. [9]

“Journaling can help validate and process your emotions, offering clarity and a sense of relief. It’s an effective way to manage negative thoughts and gain insight into your mental health.”
– Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center[7]

By acknowledging your feelings and exploring them on paper, you can begin to make sense of your inner experience. This isn’t about perfect grammar or structure – just set aside 15–20 minutes and let everything flow. Write about the anger, confusion, hurt, or even physical symptoms like tension or trouble sleeping. Seeing these connections on paper can help you grasp how deeply the betrayal has impacted you.

If you’re not sure where to start, try prompts like: “What am I feeling right now?” or “What patterns do I notice in my past relationships?” Asking “what” instead of “why” keeps your focus forward, steering you away from getting stuck in endless rumination. You could also use writing as a way to picture your future self – what does life look like after healing? Who do you want to become?

For a symbolic release, consider writing down the most painful details of your experience, then destroy the paper – burn it, flush it, or toss it into the ocean. This physical act can feel like taking control and letting go of the trauma’s grip.

Writing down your emotions doesn’t just help you process the pain – it sets the stage for protecting and nurturing yourself as you continue to heal.

#3 – Practice Mindfulness and Breathing Exercises

Mindfulness and deep breathing can ground you in the present moment, especially when betrayal stirs up that overwhelming fight-or-flight response. While these practices won’t erase the pain, they can help you acknowledge your emotions without letting them take over. A study in the journal Mindfulness surveyed 94 adults who had experienced infidelity and found that those with stronger mindfulness skills were more likely to forgive and less likely to seek revenge. [10]

“Those with strong self-compassion skills tend to embrace their turmoil without over-identifying with it.” – Researchers, Mindfulness Journal [10]

I know that idea of mindfulness is overwhelming and perplexing but, if you start small, you too can take advantage of its benefits.

Start with a 10-minute deep breathing practice. Find a quiet spot, sit comfortably, and take a deep breath in through your nose. Hold it for a moment, then exhale slowly through your mouth. [7] This simple exercise helps soothe your stress response and provides quick relief when emotions feel overwhelming. And when your thoughts inevitably drift back to the betrayal, don’t judge yourself – just gently bring your focus back to your breath. [7]

For moments of intense stress, try the exaggerated breath technique: inhale for three seconds, hold for two, and exhale for four .[11] Research has shown that just 15 minutes of focused breathing can significantly reduce emotional distress, even when faced with upsetting stimuli.[11] Did you know that, when we are stressed, we stop breathing. This is why its so difficult to think clearly or process our emotions because our brains are literally struggling to survive.

The goal here is to respond thoughtfully instead of reacting impulsively. Instead of spiraling into questions like, “Why did this happen?” shift your focus to the present with questions like, “What am I feeling right now?” or “What do I need to feel secure?” [5] This approach keeps you anchored in the here and now, where true healing begins. By focusing on your breath and staying present with your emotions, you regain a sense of control over your recovery journey.

#4 – Take Care of Yourself

Betrayal doesn’t just hurt emotionally – it impacts your body too. Studies reveal that 70% of women dealing with betrayal by their married men experience PTSD symptoms. [12] This kind of trauma often shows up physically, leading to headaches, fatigue, insomnia, and even digestive issues. Moving your body isn’t just about staying fit; it’s a way to release the trauma stored deep in your tissues and nervous system.

The key is finding the right type of movement for what you’re feeling. If you’re grappling with anger or rage, high-intensity activities like boxing or running can help channel those intense emotions. On the other hand, if anxiety has you feeling on edge, gentler options like walking, stretching, or yoga can calm your system and help you feel safe again. Licensed therapist Rebecca Capps highlights this balance:

“Self-care after betrayal can include eating balanced meals, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that bring you joy” [2]

Somatic practices can also help you reconnect with your body. Techniques like “butterfly tapping” (crossing your arms and rhythmically tapping your shoulders) or focusing on the sensation of your feet as you walk are simple yet powerful tools. These practices help regulate an overactive nervous system and create a deeper sense of grounding and self-awareness.

Incorporating regular physical activity into your life reinforces your recovery. Building a routine – even just 20 minutes a day – can help restore a sense of control. Each day will be a small but meaningful step toward rebuilding trust in yourself. Each time you show up for your body, you’re proving to yourself that you’re capable of moving forward.

#5 – Create Boundaries to Protect Yourself

After being betrayed by your married man. it’s important to safeguard your emotional well-being by setting clear boundaries – both with the person who hurt you and with yourself. This is one of the reasons that it’s important to go NO CONTACT, to not communicate with him in any way shape or form. Dr. Bruce Y. Lee describes it well:

“Allowing the betrayer to influence your post-betrayal processing can be like inviting the defense attorney into a jury’s deliberations” [1]

NO CONTACT extends to social media use. It is very important that you unfriend or unfollow your person and do everything that you can do to not stalk them. See what they are doing or saying will only set you back with your healing. (And remember – what people post on social media are the things that they want people to see, not the truth about how they may be feeling.)

Personal boundaries are just as important. Make sure that your married man knows that they too must go NO CONTACT as well. No reaching out to wish you a happy birthday or to tell you how much they miss you or, even worse, that they are going to leave their wives (which they won’t). It is important that they know that you need this for your mental health – and that it’s time they stop putting their own needs first!

Boundaries are powerful tools for reclaiming control over your life. But remember, healing happens on your terms and timeline. As the Bellevue Trauma Recovery Center explains:

“Setting boundaries helps protect your emotional space, allowing you to rebuild trust on your terms” [7].

I know that you want the pain that you are feeling to go away right now.

And I wish that I could make that happen for you. Unfortunately, recovering from betrayal isn’t a straight path – it’s a cycle.

These five strategies – acceptance, journaling, mindfulness, exercise, and setting boundaries – work together to help you regain control of your life. Each step plays a role in moving you forward, even if progress feels slow at times.

Above all, treat yourself with kindness. As Dr. Margaret Paul emphasizes, gentle self-compassion is essential for letting go of emotions like anger and heartbreak that can otherwise remain stuck and even impact your physical health. [8] Without this kindness, it’s hard to truly move on after a breakup.

It’s also important to remember that betrayal leaves its mark on both your mind and body. [3] Rebuilding trust – whether with others or yourself – requires patience and at the same time consistent effort. [3] [1] There’s no universal timeline for healing, so give yourself the grace to heal at your own pace. Rushing the process often does more harm than good.

Healing from betrayal is within reach, but it starts with small, intentional steps. Focus on what you can control today – whether it’s practicing self-care, setting healthy boundaries, or simply showing yourself the compassion you deserve. Every step forward matters.

Remember, if you need someone to help you on this journey, reach out. I can offer you an obligation free session that could really make a difference! You can get through this and you will!

The Ultimate Guide to Conflict Resolution for Long-Distance Couples

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It has been years since I was in a long-distance relationship but I remember that being in one it was really hard. Granted, he was in Australia and I was in New York but when it comes to managing conflict in a long-distance relationship, distance shouldn’t really matter.

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, resolving conflicts can feel harder than usual. Miscommunication, mismatched schedules, jealousy, and unmet expectations create unique challenges that can strain your connection. Without physical presence, every disagreement relies solely on effective communication, which makes resolving issues even more critical.

Here’s the good news: conflicts don’t have to weaken your relationship. Instead, they can strengthen trust, deepen emotional intimacy, and improve your communication skills. The key lies in approaching disagreements as a team, addressing issues head-on and working together to do what needs to be done to keep the relationship strong.

Let’s take a look at tools to manage conflict as well as steps that you can take that will help prevent issues in the first place and help you rebuild trust when conflict is resolved.

 

 

#1 – Approach Conflicts as a Team.

Seeing your partner as the enemy is a losing game. Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger emphasizes that disagreements are inevitable, but how you handle them together defines your relationship. [6]

I can’t tell you how many of clients think that the best way to tell someone that they have let them down is not a productive one. They either go quiet or attack their partner for their behavior.  This will only make things worse!

Instead of focusing on who’s right or wrong, shift your mindset to finding solutions that work for both of you .[6] Think of yourselves as teammates facing a challenge together. For example, if your partner forgets to text during a hectic day and you find it upsetting, the issue isn’t about proving who’s more thoughtful – it’s about you being more explicit about your needs and him understanding how important texts are to you.

#2 – Learn to Manage Your Own Emotions.

Your body’s stress response can derail even the most well-intentioned conversation. When your heart rate exceeds 100 beats per minute during a disagreement, you enter a state called “flooding.” [8][2]

“It is virtually impossible for us to absorb what our partner is saying, and therefore to have a productive discussion [when the heart rate exceeds 100 bpm].” – John Gottman, Psychologist and Researcher [2]

When this happens, take a 20-minute break to reset. Research shows it takes about 20 minutes for your body to calm down after hitting that stress threshold .[2] If you feel overwhelmed, communicate it clearly: “I need a moment to calm down. Can we revisit this in an hour?” This isn’t avoidance – it’s damage control.

Simple actions like deep breathing or squeezing a stress ball can help you regain your composure.[7] Take a walk or a bath. DON’T call a friend to complain about your person – this will only keep that heart rate elevated.

Try these techniques to engage your senses and send calming signals to your nervous system, which will allow you to get grounded once again. Once calm, you’ll be better equipped to express yourself clearly and listen effectively.

#3 – Don’t Text! Facetime!

For serious discussions, video calls are essential. Unlike text messages, video calls let you pick up on nonverbal cues like facial expressions and tone of voice, which are crucial for understanding and trust. A simple text like “I’m fine” can be wildly ambiguous – are they content or upset? And, unfortunately, women are apt to dissect every word in a text, looking for hidden meanings, things that men don’t tend to use. Video calls eliminate that guessing game by providing context. [2][3]

When you are looking at your partner’s face, and they are looking at yours, “I” statements to share your feelings without sounding accusatory. For example, say, “When you don’t text back as we agreed, I feel disconnected.” [2][3] This approach focuses on your emotions rather than blaming your partner, reducing the likelihood of defensiveness.

Practice active listening to ensure clarity. Paraphrase your partner’s words to confirm you’ve understood them. Try saying, “So what I hear you saying is… is that right?” [2] This technique not only shows respect but also prevents miscommunication, ensuring you are addressing the real issue rather than a misinterpreted one.

#4 – Address Behaviors, Not Character Flaws, To Identify The Root of The Conflict.

If you’re tempted to think “They’re so inconsiderate,” pause and dig deeper. What unmet need is driving your frustration? That argument about texting frequency might actually reflect a desire for security or reassurance. [7][2] By identifying the root issue, you can stop blaming each other and start working as a team to resolve it. Working together lays the groundwork for managing emotions constructively and keeping your relationship a happy one.

#5 – Work Together on Conflict Resolution and The Reconnection.

With emotions under control and the right communication channel in place, focus on working together rather than against each other. Shift your mindset from competition to collaboration [6] and dig deeper to identify the root of the issue. What seems like a small trigger – like a late reply to a text – might actually reflect deeper concerns, such as feeling neglected.[2] Ask questions like, “What’s really going on here?” to move past surface-level disagreements.

Acknowledge and validate the other person’s feelings. Licensed marriage and family therapist Randy Brazzel emphasizes:

“Everyone wins when there is an atmosphere of mutual respect.” [16]

Work on solutions together. If a clear compromise doesn’t emerge right away, try a temporary solution for a couple of weeks and reassess its impact. [2] Finally, small gestures – like saying, “I know we’re on the same team” – can go a long way in reaffirming your commitment and rebuilding emotional connection.

5-Step Conflict Resolution Process for Long-Distance Couples

How to Prevent Conflicts in Long-Distance Relationships

The number one thing that I share with my clients who are in long distance relationships is the importance of understanding how to prevent conflicts from happening in the first place.

#1 – Set Clear Expectations from the Get Go.

At the beginning of the relationship, make sure you define the nature of your relationship – whether it’s casual, committed, or open. This ensures everyone is on the same page and avoids unpleasant surprises down the road. [10][11]

Next, agree on a communication routine that works for both of you. Maybe that means short daily calls or longer chats a few times a week. Also, set realistic expectations for response times, whether it’s during busy workdays or relaxed weekends. [10][11][9] If you know you’ll be unavailable, let your partner know in advance. This small step can prevent unnecessary worry and build trust without the need for constant check-ins. [12]

It’s also helpful to create a shared vision for the future, including a general timeline for when and where you’ll eventually live together. Research suggests that long-distance couples often report high satisfaction levels, partly because having a clear “finish line” makes the distance feel more manageable. [12][11]

Once expectations are set, you can focus on creating a strategy for handling conflicts when they arise.

#2 – Work As a Team to Define How to Speak to Each Other.

When both partners contribute to setting the ground rules, they are more likely to stick to them during heated moments. Licensed clinical professional counselor Jimmy G. Owen highlights that how you say something often matters more than what you’re saying. [13]

“The WAY a person says something always trumps WHAT they are saying. In other words, STYLE always trumps CONTENT.” – Jimmy G. Owen, LCPC, CDWF [13]

Set boundaries for behaviors that are off-limits during arguments. This might include banning yelling, name-calling, or sarcasm – Owen points out that sarcasm’s Greek origin literally translates to “tearing of the flesh.” [13]

#3 – Agree on When to Talk…and When Not To.

If a conversation gets too heated, either partner can call for a break. The key is to set a specific time to reconnect, like saying, “Let’s talk again at 8:00 PM.” This reassures the other person that the discussion isn’t being abandoned. [13][2] Also, avoid starting serious conversations late at night or after you have been drinking because both can derail any kind of productive dialogue. [2]

Before digging into sensitive topics, make sure that your partner is up for the conversation. I try to always tell my partner ahead of time that I want to have a chat and ask him when a good time to do so would be. This will allow you both to be open and willing to have a discussion when the time comes.

#4 – Stay Connected Before and After A Conflict Arises.

While setting expectations and rules helps, maintaining a strong connection before, during and after conflict is essential for long-term harmony.

Regular check-ins can stop resentment from building. Make sure you take the time to talk about how the relationship is going – outside of conflict resolution. These proactive conversations help address small concerns before they grow into larger issues. [14][10]

Keep things positive by actively appreciating your partner. Share what you admire about them often – not just during apologies after a fight. This habit creates a buffer of goodwill, making it easier to navigate tough times. [1].

Take time to really get to know each other. Ask about their current interests, childhood memories, or future goals. Interestingly, the physical distance in long-distance relationships often allows for deeper verbal communication than couples who live together. [1][15]

And while staying connected is important, don’t forget not to lose yourself in this relationship. Use the time apart to work on yourself, which can bring fresh energy into your life in general. [12][15]

How To Rebuild Trust After Major Conflicts

After resolving immediate conflicts, the next step is crucial: rebuilding trust and strengthening your connection. This involves addressing both the surface-level hurt and the deeper, underlying issues that may have contributed to the conflict.

#1 – Come To A Consensus About What Happened.

If you and your partner have been able to work together to resolve your conflict, its time to work together to move forward in a healthy way.

It’s important to first process lingering emotions. Both partners need to acknowledge what happened and commit to meaningful change. [17] Again, its important not to text but to Facetime to capture nonverbal cues that can be essential for understanding. [1][2]

#2 – Take Stock of What Needs to Be Different Going Forward.

The key to moving forward is having the tools to do so! Share ideas until you find solutions that work for both of you. [6] If the same issues keep coming up over and over, dig deeper to uncover the root causes. For instance, disagreements about missed calls might actually stem from unmet needs for security or respect. [5][4] Clinical psychologist Russell Grieger highlights the importance of fully resolving conflicts:

“The couple will want to make sure that the resolution does not leave lingering hurt or resentment in one or both of them” [6].

These focused conversations lay the groundwork for rebuilding emotional safety.

#3 – Re-establish Emotional Safety in the Relationship.

Trust isn’t rebuilt through words alone – it requires consistent, reliable actions. Start by practicing transparency, like sharing calendars to eliminate any sense of secrecy. [18][19] Even small, consistent gestures, such as texting at a specific time, can show reliability and care.

Establish regular check-ins to assess how things are going – on what’s working, what needs to improve, and what behaviors might need to stop. [6] Establish daily or weekly rituals, like morning or evening check-ins, to keep your emotional connection strong. [6]

Have fun really getting to know each other. Have regular conversations about each other’s hopes, dreams, and life experiences. [1] Gaining a better understanding of your partner’s inner world fosters emotional safety, making it easier to be open and vulnerable without fear of judgment.

#4 – Get Professional Support to Help You Move Past Conflict.

In some cases, professional guidance is essential. If trust has been severely broken – due to issues like financial dishonesty – or if conflicts seem impossible to resolve on your own, seeking help can make a big difference. [20][4] Relationship coaches (LIKE ME!) can give neutral advice and share strategies tailored to your unique challenges, including those in long-distance relationships. [17][4] An outsider’s perspective can make resolution and on-going peace not only possible but probable.

Conflict in long-relationships can be devastating and make it seem like happily-ever-after will be impossible.

However, know there is an upside to conflict in long-distance relationships as it can be a chance to strengthen trust and build resilience. When you approach disagreements as partners working together instead of as adversaries, you’re doing more than just solving problems – you’re proving that your bond can endure challenges. Psychologist Lisa McKay captures this idea well:

“Knowing the relationship can survive fighting makes fighting less threatening. And finding fighting less threatening means we tend to raise concerns earlier rather than allowing tension to build up” [2].

Each argument offers a window into your partner’s inner world – their values, fears, and priorities.  Every resolved conflict reinforces your shared strength and brings you closer together. The physical miles between you can become a reason to communicate more thoughtfully, understand each other more deeply, and love each other even more fiercely.

How to Trust Yourself Again After You Have Been Emotionally Abused

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Emotional abuse can leave you doubting your instincts, questioning your decisions, and feeling disconnected from your true self.

Emotional abusers often use calculated strategies to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. Over time, this can make it impossible for you to know truth vs. reality, what you are and are not capable of and how to make the right decision about next steps.

Rebuilding trust in yourself is possible, but it requires patience, consistent effort, and actionable steps to heal.  Every small step forward strengthens your ability to trust yourself again.

Let me help you get started on your path to healing.

5 Steps to Rebuild Self-Trust After Emotional Abuse

#1 – Recognize the tactics and the damage.

Emotional abusers often use calculated tactics to make you doubt everything you know about yourself. These tactics are deliberate and aimed at gaining control over you. Recognizing what this abuse looks like and understanding how abusers operate is a crucial step in recognizing that the self-doubt you feel isn’t a reflection of who you are, but rather the result of manipulation.

One of the most harmful tactics is gaslighting. Dr. Michele Leno, a licensed psychologist at DML Psychological Services, PLLC, explains: “Gaslighting is a manipulative tactic used to minimize, demean or disregard a person’s thoughts and feelings.” [7] An abuser might claim events didn’t happen the way you remember, accuse you of being “too sensitive,” or insist you’re imagining things. This constant undermining creates confusion about what’s real and what isn’t.

Robin Stern, Ph.D., co-founder and associate director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, describes gaslighting as “an insidious and sometimes covert form of emotional abuse, repeated over time, where the abuser leads the target to question their judgments, reality, and, in extreme cases, their own sanity” [8].

Abusers may also criticize your decisions, question your skills, shift blame onto you, or threaten to leave when you assert yourself. Some even ignore your needs entirely or send harmful messages like, “You never do anything right.” Over time, these behaviors chip away at your confidence, leaving you feeling insecure and overly dependent.

The damage isn’t confined to isolated moments. Repeated criticism and blame can erode your self-esteem, making it harder to trust your instincts and decisions. Over time, your body may even learn to expect rejection, further reinforcing the cycle of self-doubt. Recognizing these tactics is key to separating the abuser’s influence from your own inner voice.

#2 – Purge the Abuser’s Voice from Inside Your Head

Once you understand how abuse distorts your perception, the next step is reclaiming your inner voice. A major challenge in recovery is realizing that the harsh, critical thoughts you hear may not even be yours – they’re often echoes of the abuser’s words, internalized over time. Repeated messages of inadequacy can feel like truth, blurring the line between your genuine thoughts and the narrative imposed on you.

In other words – those thoughts inside your head are most likely not yours!

I had a client who, when she came to me, only had her soon-to-be ex-husband’s voice in her head. He had destroyed her self-esteem and she was truly sure that she wasn’t capable of making any decisions or taking action. It left her a shell of herself and much in need of my help. She reached out to me because she just didn’t know who to turn to.

So, how do you get that voice out of your head?

Awareness is the first step. Knowing and understanding that that voice in your head might not be yours will help you push back on it when it arises.

Journaling can be a powerful way to untangle these voices. Write down your daily experiences, emotions, and questions to rebuild trust in your own perceptions. When your inner critic becomes overwhelming, use your journal to push back with affirmations like, “I used to believe that about myself, but I’m learning to be kinder to me,” or “It’s okay to take my time – this is a process.” With practice, you’ll start to distinguish your authentic voice from the one imposed by the abuser, allowing your true self to emerge more clearly.

Another way to help manage this voice is to talk to friends and family. They know who you are and, most likely, what your partner has been making you feel. Even if you can’t trust yourself, you can trust them to look out for you.

These tools will help jumpstart getting your power back!

#3 – Calm Your Nervous System

To rebuild trust in yourself, your body first needs to feel safe. Emotional abuse often leaves your nervous system stuck in a heightened state of alert, triggering a relentless fight-or-flight response. [9] When your body is constantly bracing for danger, it becomes hard to think clearly, make sound decisions, or connect with your inner sense of wisdom. [2] Shifting your nervous system from fight-or-flight mode to a calmer, rest-and-digest state is crucial. This shift lays the groundwork for processing trauma and rebuilding self-trust. [9]

There are a few ways you can do that.

One of my clients finally escaped from a toxic relationship and was eager to get started on her healing. She found a space in her home that was her special place, a place that didn’t connect to her ex at. She used that space as a recovery area. When she was feeling sad, she retreated there and found some peace, or cried her eyes out. Once she started healing that was the place she went to help her blossom into the person she is now. Think about creating a physical space where your mind and body can relax. This could be a cozy corner in your home, a chair by a sunny window, a peaceful spot outdoors, or any area that feels comforting and secure. [11]

Your body often carries the weight of unprocessed pain, so finding ways to release that tension is vital. [2] One quick and effective tool is deep, mindful breathing. For example, the 4-7-8 technique involves inhaling through your nose for four counts, holding your breath for seven, and exhaling forcefully through your mouth for eight. [9][10] Another option is the physiological sigh: take two quick inhales through your nose, followed by a long, slow exhale. [9][3]

Another way to deal with the emotion in your body is movement. Activities like walking, yoga, dancing, or even small actions like shoulder rolls, jaw releases, or gentle shaking for 10–20 seconds can help your body let go of tension. [9][3][10]

Retraining your nervous system takes time and consistent effort. Be patient with yourself. Signs of a dysregulated system – such as constant worry, trouble focusing, muscle tension, or feeling overwhelmed – won’t disappear overnight. [9][10]

#4 – Rebuild Your Self-Trust

When your nervous system starts to calm down, you can start rebuilding your relationship with yourself.

Begin by focusing on everyday choices. These might seem insignificant, but they’re powerful. Each time you honor your preferences without second-guessing, you’re reinforcing the idea that your judgment matters [12].

Some positive choices: taking time for yourself, spending time with friends, doing that thing you have always wanted to do. Some negative choices: stalking him, revisiting places that you had shared, constantly looking at his social media.

Pay attention to how your body feels when you make these small decisions. Tuning into what feels right helps you reconnect with your intuition – the inner voice that might have been muffled by past emotional abuse. Over time, these small acts of trust will lay the groundwork for tackling more significant decisions with confidence.

Remember, recovery is not linear – setbacks are inevitable. You might make a decision you later regret or slip back into old patterns of self-doubt. Keep an eye on when you are starting to feel this way – perhaps bad about yourself or doubting your decision. Having awareness of these slight back-slides will help you manage them. And don’t be hard on yourself. Remember, recover can be two steps forward, one step back.

#5 – Reconnect with Who You Were Before

Emotional abuse often forces you to conform to others’ expectations, leaving you disconnected from your true self. [13]  Reclaiming your identity involves rediscovering who you are and recovering from the emotional abuse that you suffered through.

Try reconnecting with things that your loved before you lost yourself. Perhaps its something creative – like writing or dancing. Take up old hobbies. Spend time with old friends who can remind you of the life you had. Challenge the critical messages left behind by an abuser by replacing them with affirmations of your strengths, achievements, and unique qualities. ournaling is always helpful – it can keep you in touch with how far you have come!

Part of my client’s journey was to dance again. She used to go to dances weekly but, after he left, she just couldn’t muster up the interest. The dancing helped her in a big way towards her goal of healing.

It is essential that you engage in activities that bring comfort and joy, like taking a warm bath, enjoying a walk, or simply pausing to appreciate a quiet moment. Focus on what genuinely feels right for you, rather than what you think you should enjoy.

#6 – Set and Enforce Boundaries

Setting boundaries is vital for protecting your well-being and rebuilding self-trust. [3]

Start small by expressing your opinions in low-pressure situations. For example, you might say, “I need some time to think about that,” or “I’m not comfortable discussing this topic.”

Pay close attention to your feelings – they’re valuable indicators of your needs. If you feel discomfort because someone has crossed a line, honor that feeling by standing firm. This might mean ending a conversation, stepping away from a situation, or calmly but firmly restating your boundary.

Stay away from your abuser. If you must have contact with them, walk away when the abuse begins. Also, reducing contact with people who dismiss your experiences will be very helpful as far as your recovery.

The more you practice, the more natural setting limits will feel. Over time, this process strengthens your ability to trust your own judgments, a key part of lasting recovery.

#7 – Surround Yourself with Supportive People

Healing is much easier when you have a network of people who respect your boundaries and support your renewed sense of self. As sex educator Cassandra Corrado explains:

“It’s pretty much impossible to recalibrate our trust compass without support from others” [4].

Seek out safe environments, such as local domestic violence resource centers, support groups, or online communities where survivors share and validate each other’s experiences.

Look for relationships built on respect, empathy, and encouragement. Surround yourself with people who value your opinions, respect your boundaries, and listen without judgment. These connections empower you to express even your most difficult emotions. If you must interact with toxic or emotionally abusive individuals, consider bringing along a trusted friend who can act as an emotional buffer.

For my client, she attended a weekly support group for people like herself. She also decided to go back to school and get her Master’s in Social Work. She wanted to help others who struggle through what she had gotten past.

Setting boundaries and building a supportive network isn’t selfish – it’s an essential step in reclaiming your identity and protecting your sense of self.

Rebuilding self-trust after emotional abuse is a deeply personal journey that unfolds at its own pace.

Healing isn’t about returning to who you were before the abuse. It’s about stepping into a new version of yourself – one that values inner peace and protects your worth through firm boundaries. Each step forward is a testament to your strength and a move toward lasting transformation.

My client did it and you can too!

Remember, celebrate your small victories as they come, even if they are small. Each of them will lead you back to the person whose inner voice you trust and help you find yourself again!

You don’t have to navigate this path alone. I am here for you and offer personalized guidance to help you reconnect with your intuition and build lasting self-trust. With a free initial session, you can explore your goals and create a tailored plan to support your growth.

Is it Love or Control? Key Differences That You Must Look Out For

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I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me, unhappy in their relationship, and they aren’t sure why. After all, they tell me, they know that their person loves them. How can they possibly not be feeling like they will be living happily ever after?

The key is, I tell them, is whether or not their partner truly loves them or is really just trying to control them.

The most important thing to know is that love supports your growth, while control limits your freedom. It’s not always easy to spot the difference, especially when control is disguised as care or concern. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and independence. Controlling behaviors, on the other hand, often involve monitoring, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

If Your Partner Does THIS, It’s Not Love, It’s Control

First, What Does Healthy Love Looks Like?

Healthy love thrives on respect, trust, and freedom – not fear or restrictions. In a strong relationship, both partners feel valued and free to express their thoughts and emotions. Your voice matters, your time is appreciated, and your boundaries are upheld. Disagreements may happen, but they’re handled with open communication and teamwork, not manipulation or threats.

And, most importantly, you feel more like your true self, not less.

Here are some things to look out for:

# 1 – Is There Mutual Respect and Trust?

Mutual respect means treating each other as equals, where no one holds all the power or makes all the decisions. Practically, this looks like listening attentively, avoiding hurtful remarks, and making requests instead of demands. For instance, saying, “Could we talk about how often we text?” is far healthier than, “You need to text me every hour.”

Trust, on the other hand, is built on confidence in each other’s honesty and decision-making without constant surveillance. You don’t feel the need to check your partner’s phone or insist on sharing passwords to prove loyalty. Instead, you assume good intentions unless given a reason to think otherwise. A 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association found that strong relationships are closely tied to mutual respect and trust, while low trust often leads to anxiety and conflict.

Many of my clients say that while there was mutual respect in the beginning, as time has gone on, it has faded. They are left with feeling like they need to change who they are to gain the respect they desire, often to no effect.

#2 – Do You Support Each Other’s Independence?

Alongside mutual respect, independence plays a key role in healthy love. Partners who value each other’s individuality see it as a strength, not a threat. They encourage personal goals – whether it’s pursuing further education, changing careers, or diving into creative projects – and support hobbies and friendships without guilt. Studies show that autonomy leads to greater relationship satisfaction because it allows each person to maintain their sense of self, bringing a more grounded and complete version of themselves to the partnership.

For example, saying, “I’m so proud of you for going back to school; let’s figure out how to balance chores so you have time to study,” builds support. On the flip side, saying, “If you do that, you’ll have no time for me,” discourages growth. Healthy independence also means celebrating your partner’s time with friends or solo pursuits without resentment, showing joy for their choices rather than reacting with anger or withdrawal.

#3 – Is There Open Communication and Clear Boundaries?

Healthy relationships also rely on open dialogue and well-defined boundaries. This includes using “I” statements, like, “I feel uneasy when plans change at the last minute,” instead of blame-filled language, such as, “You never care about my time.” It also means listening to feedback without defensiveness and clarifying misunderstandings. For example, saying, “When you didn’t text back, I wondered if you were upset – was that the case?” helps avoid assumptions.

Boundaries, when done right, protect your emotional well-being without controlling your partner. Saying, “I’m not okay with yelling; if things get heated, I’ll need to step away,” is a healthy boundary. In contrast, saying, “You can’t see your friends without me,” crosses the line into control. Boundaries should be mutually discussed, adaptable over time, and designed to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.

For tools to improve communication or create stronger boundaries, check out my website where you will find more tools to help you reach these goals!

So, What Does Controlling Behavior Looks Like?

Healthy love encourages independence and allows you to grow as an individual. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to limit your freedom, often masked as concern. Instead of feeling supported and more like yourself, you might feel smaller, restricted, and constantly under scrutiny. The difference is clear: healthy care asks, “How can I support you?” while control insists, “I know what’s best for you.”

This kind of behavior often starts small – frequent check-ins, unsolicited opinions about your friends, or comments on your clothing choices. Over time, these seemingly minor actions can escalate into strict rules, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

#1 – Gestures That Seem Loving or Protective

Controlling behavior often hides behind gestures that seem loving or protective. For instance, a partner demanding constant updates about your whereabouts might claim they’re just worried about you. But this can leave you feeling like you’re under surveillance, obligated to respond immediately. If you don’t reply fast enough, they might flood you with calls or texts, using anger or guilt to get their way.

One of my clients had an off again, on again relationship that made her feel horrible about herself. The key action of her lover – he would always appear when she was struggling with something. He would come in, help her, get her back on the line and then leave again. This behavior might have looked like love but it was control.

#2 – Controlling Media Use

Digital control is another red flag. Insisting on access to your phone, demanding passwords, or requiring read receipts can quickly cross boundaries. In a healthy relationship, privacy – both online and offline – is respected. Sharing access should be a mutual choice, not a test of loyalty.

#3 – Isolating

Isolation is another tactic. A controlling partner might label your friends or family as “toxic” or “bad influences”, pressuring you to spend less time with them. They may insist on approving who you see, stir up conflict when you make plans without them, or display extreme jealousy when you’re with others. Over time, this can chip away at your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.

Many of my clients reach out to me in the first place because they find that they have no one to talk to about their relationship. Whereas before they had a strong social group, over time they have dropped those friends, choosing to focus on their relationship instead. While they might think that this was their idea but, from my experience, it is usually his.

#4 – Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Guilt-tripping might sound like, “After all I do for you, you still choose them over me?” or “You’re making me act this way.” This shifts blame onto you, making you responsible for their actions. They might also resort to fear or threats – hinting at self-harm, threatening to leave, or even saying they’ll expose private information if you don’t comply. In these situations, affection and attention are often given conditionally, based on whether you meet their demands.

#5 – Overprotection

Some controlling behaviors are disguised as care. For example, “protective” jealousy might involve questioning your clothing, your social life, or your friendships under the pretense of keeping you safe. In reality, these actions limit your independence and self-expression. Financial control is another tactic: managing all the money, questioning your spending, or discouraging you from working might be framed as “I’ll take care of you,” but it leaves you dependent and powerless. Unfortunately, U.S. media sometimes romanticizes jealousy or equates “taking charge” with love, making it harder to recognize when these behaviors are harmful instead of supportive.

Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior: A Side-by-Side Comparison

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

Healthy Love vs Controlling Behavior: Key Differences Comparison Chart

When you compare them directly, the contrast between healthy love and controlling behavior becomes crystal clear. Healthy love encourages independence and personal growth, while controlling behavior limits choices and freedom. [1]

The key difference lies in intent. Healthy love is built on mutual respect and a shared desire for both partners to flourish. On the other hand, controlling behavior stems from insecurity, fear, or a need for power. Even when disguised as “concern”, control often prioritizes one partner’s comfort over the other’s autonomy. [2]

In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, appreciated, and free to be yourself. Disagreements are handled with care, and you don’t fear punishment. [1] In contrast, controlling relationships create a tense environment. You might feel anxious, trapped, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions to avoid conflict. [2] A simple gut-check can help: Do I feel safe and free, or do I feel trapped and isolated?

How Can You Tell if Your Relationship is a Healthy One?

I always tell my clients that the ultimate test of whether or not their partner loves them or controls them is to pay attention to their body. The body, and the gut, never lie!

Supportive relationships provide a sense of security that can lower stress levels, improve focus, and strengthen your ability to handle life’s challenges. When you feel safe and valued, it becomes easier to concentrate at work or school, show patience with others, and tackle obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

A partner who genuinely supports you also contributes to building your self-esteem. Encouragement that recognizes your worth and respects your boundaries can help you feel more confident and independent. Over time, this leads to a growing trust in your own abilities. You may find yourself more open to trying new experiences, standing up for what you need, and even walking away from situations that don’t align with your well-being.

In fact, research highlights the power of strong social connections, showing they can boost survival rates by 50%. This underscores just how much healthy love can positively shape your life.

While healthy love uplifts, controlling behavior does the opposite, chipping away at your mental health. In a controlling relationship, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words and actions to avoid conflict. This heightened state of vigilance can lead to chronic stress, which, over time, increases the risk of anxiety disorders and depression.

Controlling partners often use criticism and isolation to undermine your confidence and limit your world. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might be sacrificed just to maintain peace, leaving you feeling increasingly confined. When your partner dictates who you can see or how you communicate, it cuts you off from the support systems that help you manage stress and affirm your self-worth. Without these connections, negative thoughts can spiral unchecked, and challenges may feel impossible to overcome. Leaving the relationship can seem like an insurmountable task.

In more extreme cases, especially when emotional or psychological abuse is involved, the effects can feel similar to trauma. You might experience symptoms like hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting others – even after the relationship ends.

If you’re feeling heightened anxiety, struggling to sleep, or noticing that you’re losing your sense of self within your relationship, these are red flags that your mental health may be at risk. It’s essential to take action. Consider reaching out to a therapist or relationship coach for guidance.

Healthy love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and freedom, while controlling behavior is rooted in power and fear.

In a healthy relationship, you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself. You can maintain your friendships and personal identity without fear of judgment or interference. On the other hand, controlling relationships can leave you feeling anxious, monitored, and confined under the guise of concern, with phrases like “I just care about you” or “I’m only trying to protect you.”

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and free in this relationship, or do I feel trapped and monitored?” and “Am I able to make my own choices without fear of backlash?” Honest answers to these questions can help you trust your instincts and identify red flags. Remember, love should be built on mutual respect and freedom – it should expand your world, not shrink it.

You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself. No relationship should make you feel small, guilty, or afraid.

With this understanding, take small but meaningful steps toward relationships that are defined by care, respect, and trust. Each action you take moves you closer to the love and freedom you deserve.

How to Heal From Resentment After Letting Go of a Married Man

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The pain that one feels after a breakup is always intense. And it is the thing that most people focus on as they try to heal. After all, if they can stop feeling the pain, won’t they be able to move on?

Theoretically.

One feeling that doesn’t get much press after a breakup is resentment – that bitter indignation one feels after being treated badly. I find that for women, especially those involved with a married man, resentment is the feeling that they struggle with, much more than the pain that they focus on.

Resentment can feel like a heavy emotional burden, keeping you trapped in past pain and affecting your mental and physical health. It can lead to stress, damaged relationships, and even physical symptoms like fatigue or headaches. Letting go of resentment isn’t about excusing what happened – it’s about freeing yourself.

There are a number of steps that one can take to heal emotional wounds caused by resentment. Let me share them now.

#1 – Understand What Resentment Looks Like

Resentment is that lingering bitterness you feel when unresolved conflicts, perceived mistreatment, or injustices stick with you long after the initial event. It’s not just a surface-level emotion – it often stems from deeper feelings like hurt, fear, or vulnerability that haven’t been addressed. For example, if someone breaks a promise or treats you unfairly, your first reaction might be anger or sadness. But if those emotions aren’t dealt with, they can harden into resentment over time.

Common triggers for resentment include betrayal, broken promises, unfair treatment, repeated criticism, or feeling ignored. Essentially, it’s rooted in situations where you feel powerless or wronged. Many people hold onto anger, believing it will protect them from future pain, but this often backfires, leading to even more emotional suffering.

For many of my clients, particularly those who are dealing with a married man who won’t leave his wife but who also won’t let her go, their resentment is intense. They feel like they have been deceived and it doesn’t feel good at all.

What makes resentment particularly damaging is its connection to perceived injustice and the subtle, often unconscious desire for retribution. This can lead to constant rumination, difficulty focusing, and strained relationships. Understanding these underlying traits is a critical first step in recognizing how resentment can quietly disrupt your well-being.

#2 – Identify How Resentment Harms Your Health

The toll resentment takes isn’t just emotional – it can also impact your physical health. Holding onto bitterness keeps your body in a state of constant stress. A study published in the Journal of Behavioral Medicine revealed that people experiencing higher levels of resentment reported more physical symptoms and reduced overall well-being.

When resentment lingers, it triggers chronic stress responses, raising cortisol levels. This can lead to headaches, chronic pain, digestive issues, fatigue, and a weakened immune system. On top of that, it fuels anxiety, depression, and negative thought patterns, leaving you emotionally drained. Instead of moving forward, you might find yourself stuck replaying past hurts, unable to enjoy the present.

I have a client who, after four years involved with a married man, was rushed to the hospital and had 11 feet of her intestines removed. It was after that that she reached out to me because she knew that the anger and resentment that she was feeling because of his broken promises was killing her.

In relationships, resentment can be toxic. It erodes trust, creates emotional distance, and often leads to passive-aggressive behavior or frequent arguments. Whether it’s with a partner, a friend, or a family member, resentment can cause emotional withdrawal or overly critical behavior, setting off a cycle of misunderstandings and further pain.

If left unchecked, resentment can escalate into more harmful emotions like chronic anger or even hostility. The sad irony is that the person who suffers the most is often the one holding onto the resentment. It keeps you tied to the past, stuck in a loop of anger and pain, and prevents emotional healing.

3 Ways Resentments Hurt and How to Start Healing

#3 – Find the Root Causes of Your Resentment

Once you’ve recognized how resentment impacts your life, the next step is understanding where it comes from. You can’t address what you don’t acknowledge. To truly heal, it’s important to dig beneath the surface and identify the deeper pain fueling your resentment. Otherwise, you’re only addressing the symptoms while the real issue lingers, quietly affecting your well-being.

Resentment rarely appears out of thin air. It builds slowly, often rooted in unresolved emotions like hurt, anger, or frustration that have been managed through avoidance, denial, or blame. These coping mechanisms may offer short-term relief, but they don’t resolve the underlying pain, allowing resentment to grow and take a toll on your mental and physical health.

For my client, after losing her intestines, working with me allowed her to see the truth of her situation – that she thought that she loved this guy but that, really, she was addicted to him. This addiction, which she knew was bad for her, was making her resentful.

This process isn’t about dwelling on the past or assigning blame. It’s about gaining clarity. By identifying the events, behaviors, or circumstances that trigger your resentment, you take an important step toward letting it go and moving forward with purpose.

#4 – Identify Your Triggers

Understanding what stirs up resentment starts with self-reflection. It’s about connecting the dots between past experiences and present emotions. Ask yourself some honest questions: What situations make you feel bitter or angry? Are there specific people who seem to bring out these feelings? When did you first notice this resentment taking shape? Often, you’ll find that current frustrations are tied to older wounds that haven’t fully healed.

I know that for my client, when I asked her questions like these it gave her a lot of clarity. She was resentful that he didn’t tell her the truth that his son was engaged; that he showed up when he wanted to and then not when he didn’t; that he would be hot and cold to her at work; and that he insisted on sex when she didn’t want to. She resented all of that and had never seen it before!

A very helpful exercise for identifying your triggers is writing a letter to the person who hurt you. There’s no need to send it – this is just for you. The act of putting your emotions into words can be incredibly freeing, allowing you to process feelings you’ve been holding back.

Talking to someone you trust can also provide valuable insight. Whether it’s a close friend, family member, or therapist, having someone to share your feelings with can help you see things from a fresh perspective. They might even point out patterns or blind spots you hadn’t noticed. Therapy, in particular, can be incredibly helpful for exploring the deeper causes of resentment and learning how to manage it more effectively.

Pay attention to your body as well. Physical sensations like tension, headaches, or a tight chest when thinking about certain people or situations are often signs of unresolved resentment. Your body can be a powerful guide, revealing what your mind might be avoiding.

#5 – Accept and Validate Your Emotions

Once you’ve identified your triggers, the next step is accepting and validating your emotions. This means allowing yourself to feel the full range of emotions – anger, sadness, disappointment – without judgment.

Ignoring or suppressing these feelings won’t make them disappear. Instead, they often resurface in unhealthy ways, influencing your relationships and behavior. Acknowledging your emotions is the first step toward releasing them and finding peace.

Validation involves recognizing that your emotions are legitimate responses to what you’ve experienced. You’re not being “too sensitive” or “dramatic” for feeling the way you do. Your feelings are valid, and they deserve to be acknowledged.

Self-compassion is crucial during this process. Treat yourself with the same kindness you’d offer a friend who is struggling. When self-critical thoughts like “I should be over this by now” or “Why am I letting this get to me?” arise, pause and reframe them. Remind yourself that healing takes time and that it’s okay to feel hurt.

So, how do you let go of resentment?

Now that you’ve pinpointed your triggers and acknowledged your emotions, it’s time to take active steps toward letting go of resentment. This isn’t about forcing yourself to feel better instantly or pretending the pain never existed. Instead, it’s about learning ways to process your emotions in a healthier manner and gradually easing their hold on your life. Different methods work for different people, so it’s important to find what resonates with you. The key is consistency and a willingness to engage, even when it feels challenging. Let’s dive into some therapeutic approaches that can help reshape harmful thought patterns.

#1 – Work With a Professional to Let Go of Negative Thoughts

Professional therapy provides powerful tools to address resentment at its core. These techniques build on your understanding of what fuels your resentment and offer practical strategies to shift your mindset.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) is highly effective for addressing resentment. This approach helps you identify and reframe negative thought patterns, enabling you to view situations from a new perspective and reduce the emotional pain tied to resentment [1]. In therapy, you’ll learn to challenge automatic assumptions and replace them with more balanced, constructive thoughts, which can help ease those intense feelings [1].

Another option is Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), which focuses on accepting your emotions rather than fighting them. ACT encourages you to acknowledge resentment without letting it dictate your behavior, helping you align your actions with your personal values and goals [6]. Similarly, Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT) combines mindfulness with techniques for managing emotions, tolerating distress, and improving interpersonal relationships, making it especially helpful for navigating intense emotional responses [6].

For resentment rooted in trauma, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) may be an effective choice. This therapy helps your brain process painful memories in a way that reduces their emotional intensity, offering relief from lingering resentment [8].

If a therapist isn’t the right thing for you, consider reaching out to a life coach (like me!). Life coaches can help you build a life while managing pain and resentment. Either way find the approach that best suits your unique needs.

#2 – Practice Self-Compassion and Empathy

Self-compassion and empathy are powerful tools for softening resentment’s grip. When you treat yourself with patience, understanding, and forgiveness, you validate your pain without judgment and recognize that suffering is a shared human experience [2]. This practice can ease the self-criticism that often accompanies unresolved resentment.

For example, if you catch yourself thinking, “I should be over this by now”, pause and replace that thought with kindness. Imagine what you’d say to comfort a close friend in your situation, and offer those same words to yourself. At the same time, empathy allows you to consider the perspective of the person who hurt you – not to excuse their behavior, but to understand the struggles or limitations that may have shaped their actions [5]. Research shows that taking another person’s perspective can help reduce anger and open the door to emotional healing [3].

#3 – Set Boundaries

Setting boundaries is very important for maintaining your peace and preventing resentment from building. Start by identifying your personal limits – what behaviors are acceptable to you and what are not. Communicate these boundaries clearly using “I” statements, such as, “I need uninterrupted time to share my thoughts when we’re discussing something important” [4]. Enforcing these boundaries consistently – whether that means limiting contact or stepping away from harmful situations – helps protect you from ongoing hurt and resentment [4]. Balancing forgiveness with self-protection ensures you can let go of resentment while safeguarding your emotional well-being [7].

Healing from the grip of resentment is a journey that calls for patience, self-awareness, and steady effort.

Along the way, you’ve discovered that facing your pain head-on, rather than burying it, is the cornerstone of recovery. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens in an instant – it’s a process, one that may require revisiting old wounds as part of moving forward.

Progress isn’t always a straight line. There will be setbacks, but each one is an opportunity to grow. What matters most is how you respond – with self-awareness, kindness toward yourself, and a determination to keep going. Signs of healing might include feeling less anxious about past hurts, enjoying better sleep, improving your physical health, strengthening your relationships, and finding a renewed sense of purpose.

You have the ability to heal and reshape your relationship with resentment. By acknowledging your pain, seeking help, and committing to these practices, you’re demonstrating strength and self-awareness. Taking responsibility for your healing is an act of courage, one that paves the way for emotional well-being and happiness. Every step you take toward forgiveness is a step toward freedom. Celebrate your progress and keep applying these strategies to create a life filled with peace and fulfillment.

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