Should I Stay or Leave? 5 Key Questions

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When you’re unsure about your relationship, it can feel overwhelming. This article breaks down five key questions to help you decide whether to stay or leave your partnership. Here’s a quick summary:

  1. Are Your Basic Needs Being Met?
    Evaluate if your emotional, physical, and mental needs are fulfilled. Unmet needs can lead to disconnection and dissatisfaction.
  2. Do You Feel Safe and Respected?
    Safety and respect are non-negotiable. Look for signs of emotional or physical harm, manipulation, or disrespect.
  3. Are You Both Moving in the Same Direction?
    Assess if your life goals, values, and future plans align. Misalignment can cause tension and long-term challenges.
  4. What Is Your Gut Feeling?
    Trust your intuition. Distinguish between fear-driven anxiety and a calm, instinctive sense about your relationship.
  5. Are You Ready to Make a Change?
    If issues persist despite efforts to address them, consider whether you’re prepared – emotionally and practically – to take action.

Reflecting on these questions can provide clarity and guide your next steps, whether that means working on the relationship or moving forward separately.

#1 – Are Your Basic Needs Being Met?

The foundation of any healthy relationship lies in meeting your emotional, physical, and mental needs. When these core needs go unmet, it can leave you feeling drained or disconnected from your partner. Recognizing what you truly need – and whether those needs are being fulfilled – can help you make thoughtful decisions about the future of your relationship.

Emotional needs are not optional; they’re essential for a thriving partnership. Without them, even the most supportive relationships can falter. These needs aren’t extravagant or unreasonable – they’re fundamental to your happiness and well-being.

Some of the key emotional needs include feeling safe and secure, experiencing intimacy and connection, being appreciated, and sharing moments of joy. According to Schema Therapy, five core emotional needs are critical: safety, autonomy and identity while maintaining independence, freedom to express emotions without fear, spontaneity, and clearly defined boundaries [3].

Your love language also plays a big part in whether your needs are being met. Whether you value words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, physical touch, or gifts, it’s important that your partner makes a genuine effort to connect with you in ways that resonate. If your love language is ignored, it can leave you feeling emotionally unfulfilled [2][4][5].

“No one can make up for the deprivation you experienced, and no one should be expected.” – Beverly Engel, Author of The Emotionally Abusive Relationship [5]

#2 – Do You Feel Safe and Respected?

Safety and respect are cornerstones of any healthy relationship. If you ever feel unsafe or disrespected, it’s a clear signal that something isn’t right. While emotional needs can often be addressed through open communication and mutual effort, issues of safety and respect demand immediate attention. These are non-negotiable aspects of your well-being, and evaluating them can help you determine whether your relationship is truly nurturing or harmful.

Feeling safe goes beyond physical security. It includes emotional safety – being able to express yourself without fear of retaliation, manipulation, or verbal attacks. Respect means being treated as an equal, having your boundaries honored, and receiving basic dignity. Without these, even the strongest love or best intentions cannot compensate for the harm being caused.

Harmful behaviors often begin subtly, like offhand criticisms or controlling remarks, but they can grow into emotional abuse or intimidation over time. It’s common to question whether your concerns are valid or if you’re overreacting. Trust your instincts – if something feels off, it likely is. Let’s take a closer look at how harmful behaviors can show up in relationships.

Recognizing harmful behaviors can be tricky, especially when they’re disguised as care or concern. Here are some common red flags to watch for include controlling behavior, emotional manipulation, verbal or emotional abuse, financial control and physical intimidation.

It’s important to look for patterns rather than isolated incidents. Everyone has bad days, but consistent disrespect or controlling behavior signals deeper issues that won’t resolve on their own.

#3 – Are You Both Moving in the Same Direction?

One of the strongest indicators of a relationship’s long-term potential is alignment – not just in your feelings for each other, but in your life goals and core values. While emotional connection and security are key, shared goals for the future can provide the stability a relationship needs to thrive. You might love someone deeply, but if your paths are heading in opposite directions, love alone may not be enough to sustain the partnership.

This goes beyond surface-level compatibility. It’s about asking whether you’re both committed to personal growth, whether your life ambitions complement each other, and whether you share a common vision for the future. When life goals clash, it can lead to tension, resentment, and the kind of compromises that feel more like sacrifices.

One of my clients was questioning whether her guy was the guy for her. They got along well – they rarely argued and genuinely enjoyed each other’s company. But while she was focused on advancing her career and starting a family, her partner was content with his current job and had no interest in children. Neither of them was wrong, but their differing life directions created a disconnect. Over time, the relationship felt stagnant because their visions for the future didn’t align.

So, how do you evaluate whether your paths are truly in sync?

Start by taking an honest look at where you and your partner see yourselves in the next five to ten years. Are your visions complementary, or are they pulling you in different directions?

Think about key areas like children, career, finances, and where you want to live. Are your ambitions aligned? For instance, does one of you dream of climbing the corporate ladder while the other prioritizes work-life balance? Do you have similar financial goals, like saving for a home or planning for retirement? Even geographic preferences matter – if one of you envisions a bustling city life while the other craves the peace of rural living, that’s a difference that needs addressing.

How you communicate about future plans is equally important. Do these conversations lead to productive discussions where both of you feel heard, or do they turn into arguments or avoidance? Healthy relationships involve mutual support and negotiation, not one person constantly compromising.

So take stock of how you both align with the future. It’s an important piece of whether to stay or go.

#4 – What Is Your Gut Feeling?

Ok, so. How many times have you ignored your gut feeling? That inner voice that often picks up on subtle truths that logic might overlook. This is the one voice you should NEVER ignore.

Your gut can sense patterns or inconsistencies that your conscious mind might try to explain away. Maybe it’s that nagging feeling something’s off, or perhaps it’s a deep sense of peace despite minor challenges. Learning to distinguish true intuition from fear is key here.

Take a moment to understand the difference between anxiety and intuition. Anxiety tends to be chaotic, driven by fear, and filled with “what ifs.” Intuition, on the other hand, feels calm and grounded, even if the message it delivers is hard to accept. It’s that quiet thought that says, “This isn’t right,” or “This feels like the right path,” without needing a long list of reasons to back it up.

People often dismiss their gut feelings, especially when they clash with logic. For instance, you might think, “My partner is kind, stable, and checks all the boxes, so why do I feel uneasy?” Or, “We have challenges, but something inside tells me we’ll make it through.” Both scenarios are worth exploring because your intuition is worth listening to. The real challenge lies in interpreting these feelings accurately.

It is important that you pay attention to your gut. Journaling can help so that you can spot patterns in where you gut says pay attention! Talk to a friend – they can often give you a honest assessment, something that you might not see. Try the coin flip test. Assign one outcome to heads (e.g., staying) and another to tails (e.g., leaving). Flip the coin, and in that moment while it’s in the air, notice which result you’re hoping for. That instant reaction often reflects your true feelings, regardless of how the coin lands.

Practice listening to your gut! It will help you every time!

#5 – Are You Ready to Make a Change?

Once you’ve tuned into your gut feelings, the next step is figuring out if you’re ready to act on them. Intuition doesn’t just inform – it often nudges you toward action. But readiness involves both emotional and practical preparation.

Ask yourself, “If nothing improves, would I be ready to leave within the next six months?” If the answer is no, you might need more time to build confidence and resources.

Making change is HARD. Feeling prepared makes making that change easier. Before you leave, make sure that you have a few practical things in place.

  • Support system: Do you have friends, family, or professional support to lean on if you decide to leave? Ending a relationship can be emotionally tough, and having people in your corner can make all the difference.
  • Financial independence: If you live together or share expenses, consider whether you can maintain your lifestyle on your own. Do you need time to save money or separate your finances?
  • Living situation: If you share a home, think about alternative housing options. Would you need to move out, or could your partner? While these logistics don’t dictate your decision, they do affect your timeline.
  • Emotional readiness: Are you prepared for the grief and uncertainty that often come with ending a relationship? Even when it’s the right choice, it’s normal to feel a mix of emotions. There’s no shame in giving yourself time to build the emotional strength needed to move forward.

Finally, think about whether you’re staying because of true connection or fear of change. It’s natural to worry about being alone, starting over, or hurting your partner, but these fears aren’t a solid foundation for staying in a relationship. Similarly, staying out of comfort or convenience doesn’t serve either of you in the long run.

When your instincts and practical considerations align, you’ll be better equipped to make a confident decision about your next steps.

Conclusion: Taking Action with Confidence

Hopefully, thinking about the answers to these questions will provide the clarity you need to take the next step. Whether you choose to stay and rebuild or decide to leave and start anew, this clarity becomes the foundation for your journey forward.

Armed with these insights, your next move should be intentional and actionable. Making a decision about your relationship isn’t just about reaching a conclusion – it’s about finding the courage and support to follow through. Deciding is just the beginning; what truly matters is how you act on it.

If your choice is to work on the relationship, consider setting a three- to six-month timeline with specific, measurable actions to guide your progress. Regular check-ins can help keep you on track and ensure that momentum is maintained. Individual counseling can help build confidence, while couples therapy provides tools to improve communication if you’re working to stay together.

For those choosing to leave, remember that ending a relationship is rarely a single event – it’s a process. You may need time to sort out finances, housing, or emotional support before taking that step. Plan your exit thoughtfully and avoid rushing into decisions.

Seeking professional guidance can make this transition smoother. A life coach, like me, can help you moving forward Whether you’re grappling with a tough relationship decision, rebuilding after heartbreak, or seeking the confidence to pursue the love you deserve, professional coaching can provide the guidance and strategies you need to move forward.

Making your decision is not the end – it’s the start of a new chapter. When you’re ready, take deliberate steps to plan your future with the support you need. You don’t have to navigate this alone. This final step brings together your inner clarity and external resources, completing your journey toward self-discovery.

Ultimately, your relationship decision is about honoring who you are and creating space for joy in your life. Trust the work you’ve done, listen to your instincts, and take that first confident step toward the life you’ve been envisioning. This is your moment to embrace happiness and live happily ever after.

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Why You Keep Attracting Wrong Partners and How to Do Things Differently

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If you find yourself repeatedly drawn to partners who aren’t right for you, the problem might not be random. Your subconscious often guides your choices based on familiar patterns from your past, even if those patterns are unhealthy. This can lead to cycles of emotional unavailability, toxic dynamics, or mismatched values.

Here’s what you need to know:

  • Your subconscious craves familiarity: Traits from your early relationships, like those with parents or caregivers, shape what feels "normal" in love – even if it’s harmful.
  • Attachment styles matter: Emotional distance or conditional love in childhood can influence your adult relationships, making unhealthy dynamics feel like home.
  • Intense chemistry can mislead: That spark you feel might be unresolved emotional wounds, not genuine compatibility.
  • Healthy relationships may feel unfamiliar: Stability and respect can seem "boring" if you’re used to chaos or intensity.

Want to know more?

Why You Keep Attracting the Wrong Partner (And How to Fix it)! With Dr. Karishma Ahuja

How Your Subconscious Shapes Partner Choices

You might think you’re consciously choosing a kind, reliable, and emotionally available partner, but your subconscious often has its own agenda. Instead, on its own it steers you toward what feels emotionally familiar – even when that familiarity isn’t healthy.

This explains why you may keep gravitating toward partners who share traits with people from your past, even if those traits once caused you pain. Your subconscious brain identifies these patterns as "home", even if "home" wasn’t safe or nurturing.

What makes this even trickier is how natural these subconscious preferences feel. That magnetic instant chemistry or inexplicable pull toward someone? It’s often your psyche’s way of replaying old dynamics in an attempt to heal unresolved wounds. These deep-seated tendencies trace back to your earliest relationships, forming a blueprint for how you approach love.

#1 – Childhood Experiences Shape Your Dating Patterns

Your first relationships – typically with parents or caregivers – lay the groundwork for what psychologists call your attachment style. This internal framework shapes your understanding of how relationships work, influencing everything from how much closeness feels comfortable to what you interpret as love.

For example, if you grew up with an emotionally distant parent, you might find yourself drawn to partners who are similarly unavailable. Your subconscious equates love with emotional distance, so overly available partners might feel uncomfortable or even "wrong."

On the flip side, children who had to earn love – perhaps through achievements or by taking care of others – often grow into adults who are attracted to partners needing "fixing." Your subconscious has learned to tie your value in relationships to what you can do for others, rather than simply being yourself.

Even positive childhood experiences can create challenges. If you were overly protected or constantly praised, you might struggle in relationships where you’re not placed on a pedestal. Alternatively, you might find yourself giving more than you receive because that dynamic feels normal to you.

These patterns are so deeply ingrained that they can feel like part of your personality. You might believe you are just "naturally" drawn to mysterious people or that you "prefer" partners who keep you on your toes. But often, these preferences are your subconscious recreating the emotional environment of your childhood.

#2 – You Are Drawn to What Feels Familiar

Your brain is wired to seek out the familiar, confusing it with safety. This instinct, rooted in evolution, builds on the patterns you learned early in life.

When you meet someone new, your subconscious quickly scans for emotional cues that remind you of the past. Does their communication style echo your father’s? Do they handle conflict like your mother? These familiar traits can create a powerful sense of recognition – what feels like destiny is often just your brain identifying patterns.

This is why you might feel an intense connection to someone who ultimately isn’t right for you. Your subconscious isn’t evaluating compatibility with your current needs and goals. It’s responding to familiar emotional dynamics.

The pull toward familiarity is especially strong with negative patterns. If you grew up surrounded by drama, chaos, or emotional highs and lows, calm and stable relationships might feel boring – or even wrong. Your nervous system has learned to associate love with intensity, so peaceful relationships can seem like they’re missing something.

It is exactly this reason why healthy relationships might feel unfamiliar at first. Partners who are emotionally available, consistent, and respectful might not spark the instant chemistry you’re used to. Learning to recognize this difference is a vital step toward breaking unhealthy cycles.

#3 – Intense Chemistry Isn’t the Same as Love

That overwhelming "spark" you feel? It’s often fueled by a cocktail of stress hormones and neurotransmitters like cortisol, epinephrine, dopamine, and low serotonin levels[1]. While it might feel exhilarating, this rush can cloud your judgment and impair critical thinking. Instead of being a sign of true compatibility, this kind of chemistry can lock you into repeating old, unhealthy patterns in your relationships.

Think of it like a sparkler: dazzling and intense, but ultimately short-lived and unable to sustain a meaningful connection[1]. Though it may feel magnetic, this fleeting chemistry often serves as a distraction from the deeper, unresolved issues influencing your choices in partners.

How DO You Change Your Dating Patterns?

Breaking out of unhealthy relationship cycles starts with honest self-reflection and intentional changes. By looking at how past experiences shape your decisions and examining your dating history with a fresh perspective, you can uncover the recurring patterns that influence your choices.

#1 – Ask Yourself Questions About Your Dating History

  • What type of person are you consistently drawn to?
  • How do your relationships usually end?
  • What emotions arise at the start of relationships?
  • What role did your family dynamics play?
  • What’s your timing with relationships?

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward protecting your emotional well-being and setting boundaries that align with your needs.

#2 – Set Boundaries Right Away In A New Relationship

Boundaries are essential for safeguarding your emotional health and defining what you will and won’t tolerate. Many people who struggle with unhealthy relationships have difficulty setting boundaries, often out of fear of rejection or a tendency to put others’ needs first.

  • Start small. Begin by setting clear, manageable boundaries in everyday situations.
  • Communicate directly. Don’t expect your partner to guess your needs.
  • Enforce consequences. If someone repeatedly crosses a boundary, follow through.
  • Pay attention to their reactions. Healthy partners will respect your boundaries, ask questions, or apologize when needed.
  • Protect your time and energy. You don’t need to be available 24/7 to respond to messages, solve problems, or sacrifice your personal goals to accommodate someone else.

#3 – Rewire Your Approach to Dating

Breaking old patterns starts with understanding and managing your emotions.

Take stock of how your subconscious might be influencing your attraction to someone. Are you thinking this person “isn’t your type?” Or perhaps there is no chemistry. If these things have shaped your past partner choices, its time to do things differently.

Pay attention to your emotional state during dating. Notice when you’re drawn to someone who exhibits red flags you’ve seen before. Instead of acting on instinct, pause and ask yourself: What’s fueling this attraction? Is it the thrill of drama, the pull of familiar dysfunction, or genuine compatibility?

Before each date, set clear intentions. Shift your mindset from seeking someone to "complete" you to exploring compatibility. Ask yourself questions like: "Does this person’s communication style align with mine?" rather than "Can I change how they communicate?"

#4 – Get Help from a Relationship Coach (like me!)

If reflecting on your own isn’t enough, working with a relationship coach can provide the guidance and accountability you need. A skilled coach helps you uncover blind spots, challenge limiting beliefs, and craft strategies tailored to your unique patterns to help individuals break free from toxic relationship cycles.

Your Next Steps Towards Your Happily Ever After

To break this pattern of attracting the wrong kind of partner, focus on self-awareness around how your past experiences influence your choices. Reflect on your dating history and set clear boundaries, Remember, understanding your past is the first step toward creating the relationships you deserve.

Seeking professional guidance can also provide tailored strategies to help you break old patterns and build healthier ones. The time and energy you invest in understanding yourself will ripple through every part of your life – not just your romantic relationships.

Remember: your past doesn’t define your future. With the right tools and dedication, you can break free from harmful cycles and create the relationships you truly deserve.

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Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

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Why People Cheat: The Psychology Behind Infidelity

“I just can’t believe that I am having an affair.”

“How can my husband have an affair? We were so happy.”

“I have found my soul mate but he is married. What am I thinking?”

These are phrases that I hear from my clients all the time when cheating has touched their lives. They just don’t understand why people cheat – and most of the time it’s because they don’t understand how affairs happen. Affairs happen, more often than not, not because of the sex but something much deeper. Understanding what these things are might help you understand why infidelity has become a part of your life, in one way or another

#1 – Their depression makes them vulnerable.

The number one psychological fact behind why people cheat is that their mental health issues make them vulnerable to having an affair. Perhaps they are depressed, perhaps they are anxious, perhaps they are dealing with something that causes them to lose control of their emotions. Whatever the mental health struggle they are dealing with, it is making them vulnerable to doing something that will make them feel okay again.

Having an affair is one of those things that can make people with mental health struggles feel like they are okay, at least for a little bit. For that short period of time they are with their affair partner, they feel loved. They feel like they’re enough. The feel-good chemical ‘dopamine’ that comes from being with their affair partner courses through their veins, making them feel happy, even if for a moment.

#2 – They are feeling hopeless and feel like they will never be happy again.

One of my clients has been having an affair with a married man for four years. She just doesn’t understand why she got into it and why she can’t get out of it. After talking, we came to understand that one of the reasons she embarked on this affair was because she was feeling hopeless. She had divorced her husband, her kids were gone, and her career was on hold because of the industry in which she is worked. She just didn’t see how she could ever be happy again.

And then this married man came into her life and made her feel alive. He made her feel important, relevant, and like she had a future where she could be happy. Unfortunately, while she was happy for a while, she eventually became miserable again. What she thought was hope for the future turned into hopelessness because she knew she would never have the happiness that she sought.

#3 – They are unhappy in their marriage and don’t know how to fix it.

Many people who cheat are feeling unhappy in their marriage and they have no idea what to do about it. They married their person because they loved them madly but, over time, 1000 little cuts have eroded the marriage. Sure, they’ve been to therapy. Sure, they’ve made date nights and gone on mini vacations and done all the things that their therapist encouraged them to do. But still, they are unhappy and not sure what to do next.

So, what they do instead of fixing their marriage is they find someone who can meet their emotional needs. Someone who understands what they are going through, perhaps is even going through it as well themselves. Instead of having to deal with their marriage, they are getting their emotional needs met outside of the marriage, and it makes their marriage more tolerable.

#4 – They feel emotionally abandoned and lonely.

One of my clients had a husband who traveled all the time. He would be away for days at a time, only to come back, distracted by work and not interested in spending any time with her. She was not only lonely while he was gone, but she was lonely when he was back. They lived in the house together, going about their daily tasks, but not connecting emotionally in any way.

When my client met a man with whom she connected emotionally, it changed her life. She had believed that it was her fault that the emotion had died in their marriage and that her loneliness was the result of some kind of desperation. When she met her guy, she realized that she could still feel and that there was a man who could make her feel not so alone.

#5 – They need to numb the pain of a current trauma.

More than one of my clients has found themselves having an affair as they have gone through a period of intense trauma. One of my clients’ mothers was dying slowly of cancer. She spent a ton of time in the hospital with her mother, watching her be sick. She spent a lot of time on her own, wondering what she was going to do without her mother. While she had to go about her daily tasks because of her husband and her children, she was feeling empty.

When she met a man while watching her son’s hockey game, their small talk took her out of her life. She sought him out at games and talking to him allowed her to  forget what she was struggling with daily and lean into someone who made her feel something other than pain. Once again, the dopamine that was created from the connection that she had with a man who was not her husband helped her let go of the pain, if only for a few hours.

#6 – They feel heard and understood for the first time in a long time.

Marriages are long and hard. We always try very hard to keep them healthy, but it can be very difficult.

Many people embark on affairs after spending a period of time talking to their soon-to-be affair partners. Perhaps they have met at the office, and over time, have confided in each other about things that they struggle with. Perhaps they are parents of their kids friends and spend a lot of time with each other, and have developed a very deep friendship. What happens is, for the first time in a long time, they feel listened to and heard. And this feeling is very compelling and addictive. This feeling heard and understood makes them fall in love with this person, and, sometimes before they know it, they slide into an affair.

#7 – They are addicted to the affair and can’t let it go.

The number one reason why people have a hard time letting go of an affair is because they are addicted to it. Much like drugs, or ice cream, once they get a taste, they can’t let it go.

When they are put in a position where they must let go of their affair, they go into deep withdrawal. Even though they might have been miserable in the affair, which made them break up with their affair partner, the pain that they feel when they don’t get that dopamine rush, when they don’t hear their partners voice, when they don’t have the physical intimacy that they love, is intolerable. This leads them to go back to their partner, and the cycle begins again.

Understanding why people cheat is a hard thing to do for someone who hasn’t been there.

Affairs seem to be the tawdry things that we read about in books and see in movies. But, in fact, they’re more complicated than that. They are, more often than not, not the result of needing sex, but the result of trying to fill some emotional void in their lives, to give themselves hope for the future, to make them feel like a person again. And, unfortunately, their addiction makes it impossible for them to let go and so they are stuck in the cycle of a relationship that, eventually, makes everything that they struggle with worse.

A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

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A Step-by-Step Guide on How to Heal After a Heartbreak

Truly, I don’t believe there’s anything worse than a broken heart. Having to let go of someone who you loved, with whom you had dreams of a future together, can be one of the hardest things you will ever have to do

Healing from heartbreak is a process, a one step at a time, one day at a time process. I know right now the whole idea seems daunting, but you can get past this heartbreak. After all, no one ever died of a broken heart. And, you have most likely survived a broken heart before and you will survive it again.

To help you in your efforts, let me share a step-by-step guide on how to heal after heartbreak so that you can rebuild your life and move on.

#1 – Feel your feelings.

The most important part of healing after heartbreak is to feel your feelings.

In this country, its almost a badge of honor to be strong in the face of heartbreak, to suck it up and not express the feelings that we are feeling. It’s important that you not just be strong and suck up your feelings if you want to heal from a broken heart.

I would encourage you to cry and scream and do whatever you need to do to get those feelings out. Feel them deeply and then work to let them go. That way, your emotions won’t get stuck in your body and you will have an easier time healing.

The important thing is to feel your feelings deeply, but don’t wallow them for very long. There will be an intense period of pain, maybe a few weeks or a few months, but it’s important that you don’t let those feelings drive your decisions going forward. Some of the painful feelings might still be there, but it’s important that you not let them run your life.

#2 – Don’t seek closure.

Seeking closure is a complete waste of time and will only hold you back from your healing.

I believe closure is a myth. It’s just an excuse to spend one more moment with your person, hoping things will turn out differently. Unfortunately, this never works. Things might turn out differently after a closure conversation but chances are another break up will follow sooner or later nonetheless.

A key part of healing is not having contact with your person. Every time you hear their voice or see their face it’s going hold you back from healing, maybe even put you back to square one. So, don’t seek closure. Chances are you know exactly what happened in your relationship and you have talked about it more time than once. You’re not going learn anything new if you try for closure.

#3 – Block them.

I know the idea of blocking your ex fills you with anxiety. After all, if you block them, how will they ever reach out to you if they want to get back together? How will you ever be able to reach them if you need them?

I get this! They are your ex and you have been with them for a long time and the idea of not being in contact with them is scary.

But what I can promise you is that, if you block them, you will heal faster. Neither one of you will have an opportunity to reach out to each other and start the cycle of break ups again. You will both be given the opportunity to feel your feelings and move on.

I know that it will be hard but you can do it!

heal after heartbreak

#4 – No stalking!

One of the things that will damage your healing after a heartbreak is stalking your person on social media. Going on their social channels and seeing what they’re up to. Much like being in touch with them on your phone or seeking closure, seeing your person on social media will set you back.

You might see them going on with their life. You might see a quote that talks about the magic of freedom. You might even see them with another person. All these things can be devastating.

Remember, what people post on social media is not the truth. What people post on social media is the best version of their lives, sometimes even a version of their lives they post on purpose to mess with their ex.

So, much like blocking your person on your phone, unfriend or unfollow your ex on social media. You’ll be glad you did.

#5 – Make a list of all the things that were wrong.

When we break up with someone, all of the things that were struggles in the relationship are quickly forgotten. What is left are the memories of the good times, memories that will makes us want to get back together with our ex.

I remember regretting breaking up with an ex so much that I almost called him. One day I was reading my journal and remembered that he never listened to me. That he always interrupted me. Reading these words made me remember why we needed to break up.

I encourage everyone who wants to heal after heartbreak to keep a list of all the things that were wrong in the relationship. I know that you might think that nothing was wrong, that your relationship was perfect, but if you sit down and really think about it you will find that are plenty of things that can be added to this list.

If you keep this list growing, when you are feeling like you need closure or want to unblock them, you can refer to it and remember why this relationship was an unhealthy one and one you should not return to.

#6 – Move things around.

I have a client who has finally blocked her married man. It’s incredibly hard for her and she’s been trying to figure out how to deal with the pain.

One thing she says is that he is in every corner of her house, that wherever she turns, she sees something that reminds her of him. To fix that, I encouraged her to move things around in her home.

I encouraged her to box up everything that is his and put it away or have him come get it (when she isn’t home, of course). I also encouraged her to rearrange furniture and move photographs. Doing these things will shift up the energy in the house and give her some hope for the future, instead of being tied to the past.

#7 – Get off the couch.

I know I told you to feel your feelings, and that is important. And for many people feeling their feelings, involves ice cream on the couch in front of “Love is Blind.” And this is okay, at least for a time. If you get too attached to your couch, however, not only will you start to feel bad about yourself, but you won’t be able to heal. You will get stuck in your feelings, maybe even making them worse.

So, spend a little bit of time on the couch but then get off it. Just go for a walk. Or clean the dishes. Or spend time with friends.

The couch is a really comfy place but not someplace from where you can truly heal.

#8 – Spend time with people you who love you.

A key part of healing after heartbreak is spending time with people who love you.

One of the things that happens in an unhappy relationship is that people lose a sense of who they are. When they are rejected by someone else, they believe themselves to be unlovable.

Spending time with people who love you will help you remember that you are lovable and worthy of love.

So get out there and visit family, go to the movies with a friend, connect with someone from your past. Spend time with whomever will make you feel loved. After all, you are lovable, and you deserve love as much as any one else.

#9 – Plan something fun.

Another client who is going through a break up is really struggling with seeing any positive thing in her future. It’s hard for her to believe that she’ll ever find someone again or that she will ever feel happy again. And I get that. When you’re feeling depressed, it’s really hard to have hope for the future.

I always encourage my clients to make a plan for the future, something that they can look forward to. Maybe it’s just going to get a massage or finally seeing that Broadway show that they have always wanted to see. Or it could be something bigger. After my divorce, I decided that I needed to go to Peru and I did! Planning was really fun and I had a huge sense of accomplishment after climbing mountain at 17000 feet. It made me feel wonderful about myself, a feeling I hadn’t felt for a while.

#10 – Tip toe back into dating.

I know right now you’re feeling incredibly lonely and hoping that you can get into another relationship as soon as possible. And I get that. After a break up, we feel so lonely and will give anything to move on and find love.

But getting into a relationship right away is the worst thing that you could do as far as healing from heartbreak.

That being said, I do encourage people to get back into dating when they are ready. Not to seek a new relationship, but to remember what it’s like to date. To get out there and flirt and talk to people and get a lay of the land.

That way, when they’re ready to find a new relationship, they will have already flexed their dating muscles, and will have a better chance of finding the person with whom they can live happily ever after.

#11 – Get some help.

This step is one that many people who are going through a break up think is not necessary. After all, they have their friends and family to process the break up and to help them move on.

I always push back on this.

Of course your friends and family can be incredibly supportive. They love you and are always in your corner. That being said, your friends and family can bring their own stuff into their support. Perhaps they didn’t like your ex and are happy to put them down and celebrate you leaving them. Or perhaps they have recently been through a break up and want to equate your heartbreak with theirs.

If you seek professional help, this won’t happen. A relationship coach will be someone who has helped many people get through heartbreak and come out the other side. They will not be someone who will bring their own agenda into your healing.

So, reach out to a professional, like me! to help you truly heal from your heartbreak so you’re ready to move on and find love.

So there you go – a step-by-step guide to healing from heartbreak.

I know that right now it feels like you will never be happy again, but I can promise you that you will. The key part is not to run from the pain of your past relationships into a new one. It’s important to go through the steps to heal so that you don’t bring any of your past stuff into a new relationship so you can get your happily ever after.

I know you can do this and that things are going to be okay!

The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

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The Cycle of Emotions that You Will Feel if You Have an Affair with a Married Man

If you are considering getting into an affair with a married man, there are some things that you should know, namely that the feelings that you are having right now, feelings of love and anticipation, are not the only emotions that you will feel as the affair goes on.

I know that the idea of having an affair is complex – guilt at the infidelity but also excitement about the new feelings that you are feeling. You should know that, unfortunately, those feelings of guilt will never go away and that excitement will turn to misery.

As someone who has been there, and someone who has coached dozens of women who are having an affair, let me share will you the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

#1 – You will feel intense joy, joy that you have never felt before.

Am I right? Are you feeling joyful, perhaps in a way that you have never felt before?

Have you met this wonderful man and grown to believe that you are soul mates and that there has never been a love like this in the world? Are you wondering how you have gotten through your life without the love of this man?

Women who fall in love with married men feel an intense amount of joy as the falling happens. While the reason for this might seem because they have found their perfect match, what it really is is the release of those “feel good” chemicals, like dopamine and oxytocin, chemicals that are released at the beginning of every relationship.

So, know that those feelings that you are feeling aren’t necessarily the feelings of finding a soul mate but just feelings that every other woman at the onset of a relationship feels.

#2 – You will feel hopeful, perhaps for the first time in a long time.

I know that when I had fell in love with a married man I, for the first time in a long time, felt hopeful. I had been divorced for six years. I had dated a myriad of men, none of whom stuck. When my college crush reappeared, I thought that I was going to finally live happily ever after.

That sense of hopefulness was delicious but, unfortunately, it didn’t last long.

#3 – You will feel wicked, an emotion that might cause you internal conflict.

According to clinical psychologist Max von Sabler, when people do something that they know is “bad,” they experience something called “cognitive dissonance,” namely holding two conflicting beliefs or values at once. This cognitive dissonance can cause us to do things that we know aren’t great for us – like having an affair.

The reasons that we do these things are myriad. Sometimes we do them for immediate gratification over long term health. Sometimes, when we do something “bad,” our body releases dopamine, a reward response that makes us want more. Sometimes we do something “wrong” because of trauma that we have had in our past.

Regardless of the cause, feeling wicked is an emotion that will cause you some mental anguish and, when those emotions appear, it will be the moment where the cycle of emotions flips from very good to very bad.

#4 – You will feel jealousy, jealousy that he goes home to someone else.

Right now, you might be feeling like your person loves you more than anyone else in the world, especially more than his wife. After all, they supposedly live separate lives, they never have sex, they fight all the time and the marriage is effectively over. Supposedly.

As time goes on, in spite of his declarations of love and his repeated promises, he will choose his wife over you every time. His wife will be his priority. His wife will be the one who he goes home to every night.

So remember, while you might feel sure of his love now, you will question that emotion as time goes on.

#5 – You will feel anxiety, anxiety that he will never leave his wife.

I know that when I was having an affair with a married man I lived in a state of constant anxiety. I spent all of my time  wondering if he had “had the talk” with his wife. If he had told her that he was leaving her. I wondered if he loved me. I wondered why he would make me promises that he wouldn’t keep. All of those worries took over my life, ultimately making me feel unloved and unworthy.

#6 – You will feel a lack of trust because of his continued broken promises.

Trust is the cornerstone of every relationship. According to the Gottman Institute, “trust is embedded in every fiber of a relationship.”

A lack of trust is born of betrayal, something that your married man does every time that he makes promises but doesn’t keep them. When people feel betrayed, particularly over and over, they no longer trust their person to keep them safe and this, over time, erodes the relationship.

#7 – You will feel unimportant as he continues to not prioritize you.

Much like your married man choosing his wife over you more often than not, he will also not prioritize you over most aspects of his life.

Your man will choose his kids’ soccer games, his work events, taking his dog to the vet, spending time with his extended family over you. Even worse, as he is doing these things, he will tell you that you are his priority – something that he might believe but that is obviously a lie.

Feeling unimportant will ultimately erode your self esteem, leaving you wondering why you aren’t worthy of someone picking you first. I know that when I was having an affair, after a year I was a shell of myself. Always being second destroyed my self-esteem, making me questions my worthiness in every aspect of my life.

#8 – You will feel hopeless because all the hope you felt at the beginning will be gone.

Remember at the beginning of this article I spoke of the hope that you would feel if you got into a relationship with a married man – hope that you had found the happiness and love that you had dreamed of?

Unfortunately, over time, as a married man repeated breaks his promises and always puts you second, that sense of hope will not only disappear but a sense of hopelessness will replace it, a hopelessness that will be more intense than any that you have ever felt before.

You will feel hopeless that you will never be with your married man (and questioning if you should be with a man who treats you the way he does). You will feel hopeless that you will ever find someone who can truly love you.  You will feel hopeless because you feel like no man could ever replace the married man you love so much.

All of that wonderful hope that you felt in the beginning will be gone, replaced with the feeling that you will never be happy again.

# 9 – You will feel abandoned because he will never leave his wife.

This is the most notable emotion that you will feel in the cycle of your affair – abandonment.

I know that you have not yet given up hope that your married man will leave his wife – your emotions are winning the battle over your brain on this topic.

But, let me tell you – your married man will NEVER leave his wife. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his kids, wrecking his finances and perhaps damaging his social life. And no man is going to do that.

I have a client whose married man told her he was going to leave his wife. He even got an apartment. And, when his wife found out about his affair partner, she gave him 90 days to figure out what he wanted – his affair partner or his family. Ultimately, he chose his family, leaving my client with a sense of abandonment that devastated her.

So, there you go – the cycle of emotions that you will feel if you have an affair with a married man.

I know that right now it all feels like sunshine and roses but I want to make sure that you know going in that that sunshine will turn to storm clouds and those roses will bare their thorns.

You will not live happily ever after with this man – that I can promise you.

11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

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11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

Relationship are complicated. While the falling-in-love part is easy and fun, maintaining that love can be a challenge. A challenge whose outcome can be wonderful but a challenge nonetheless.

Many people don’t know that taking care of each other’s well being is a key part of that challenge and that doing so effectively can keep a relationship strong. Notably, people are often aware of the importance of taking care of each other and yet can be paralyzed as to what exactly it is that they should do.

To that end, let me share 11 ways that you can take care of your partner’s well being, and they can take care of yours, and keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Learn each other’s love language – and use them.

For those of you who don’t know about love languages, it’s time to learn. There is a reason that I put them first on this list – they are that important.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages – physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. For each person, these love languages are ranked most important to least important. The most important one is the language that makes that person feel loved.

The key to these love languages is that people often give to their partner the thing that makes them feel loved and not the thing that their person needs to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and fissures in relationship can be the result.

Take this quiz and learn your partners love language – you will be glad you did!

#2 – Recognize that mistakes they make aren’t necessarily tied to their feelings for you.

Have you heard (or said) this phrase at any time in your relationship – “If you loved me you would…”? Probably yes.

One of the most insidious things in relationships is that people, particularly women, often take things personally; they believe that their person’s actions are tied to whether or not they love them.

I have a client whose husband promised to look at the windows for their new addition on his way home from work. He didn’t.  He got distracted at the end of his day and just forgot. She was furious and took it as a sign that he didn’t love her. Which was NOT true – he just forgot.

So, recognize that, in spite of behavior that might upset you, your person’s actions aren’t necessarily tied to the amount of love they have for you.

#3 – Be interested in their interests, even if you aren’t really interested.

When people first meet, they make a huge effort to get to know the things that their partner is interested in. For me with my husband, it was steam engines, something that had literally never crossed my mind before I met him. I spent a ton of time going to steam engine events, which were interesting but the real reason that I went was to spend time with my guy.

As the years have passed, I don’t go to steam engine shows with my husband. Even though they are important to him, pretending interest in them to me seems like a waste of time – I would rather be doing something that interests me.

But, I know that I should still be interested in them, for HIM. He really appreciates my interest and loves that I share them with him. So, I do it. And it’s great, for both of us.

#4 – Don’t be passive aggressive.

One of the things that can cause the most damage in a relationship is passive aggression.

Chris Getman, writing for The Agency Arsenal, shared signs of passive aggression as defined by experts. A partial list of those signs include giving backhanded compliments, making wistful comments, playing the victim, not letting things go, sulking, and giving the silent treatment.

The thing is, passive aggression will never make a couple stronger, especially if it used as a means to communicate about issues in a relationship. Not only is it a highly ineffective method of communication, it is one that, if used regularly, will slowly erode the health of any relationship.

take care of each other's feelings

#5 – Celebrate their successes, big and small.

Again, when we first get into a relationship, we are happy to celebrate our partner’s accomplishments. After all, we love them dearly and are so happy when they are doing well.

Unfortunately, as relationships go one, people get apathetic. While they might see that their partner is doing something that merits celebration, and they are happy for them, they might fail to celebrate them, even just with words of recognition. As a result, a partner can feel alone in their success, something that doesn’t feel very good.

So celebrate your partners successes, the big ones and the small.

#7 – Remember, no one means to hurt someone else.

It is rare in a relationship that one person sets out to hurt the other person. After all, with a few exceptions (namely passive aggressive people), no one wants to hurt someone else, especially someone they care about.

When your partner hurts you, for reasons big and small, try to remember that what has happened is most likely a mistake, not something that was premeditated to cause you pain. If we get to the point in a relationship that we feel like our person is out to hurt us, it’s hard to feel safe. And this lack of safety is a key factor in the demise of many a relationship.

#8 – Acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are authentic.

Be honest. Does your partner sometimes try to tell you how they are feeling and do you scoff and tell them that they are wrong to feel that way? That if they could just see things from your point of view they would feel differently? Or perhaps that their feelings aren’t authentic and that they are trying to manipulate you?

More often than not, when someone expresses their feelings, they are expressing how they truly feel. They might not be very good at expressing these feelings but they are feelings that they are feeling. In a healthy relationship, their partner will listen to the expression of these feelings and recognize their authenticity. They might not agree with them, but they won’t tell them that they are wrong.

So, next time your partner shares their feelings, tell them that you hear them. Making your partner feel heard is a key to keeping your relationship happy!

#9 – Don’t take each other for granted.

This is a big one that happens in relationships – that we start to take each other for granted.

I know that, when I was married and my ex and I were having struggles, I always just took it for granted that we would have time “later” to figure things out; that he would always be there. And I was wrong. Because I took him for granted, when “later” came, it was too late.

Be honest with yourself. Do you take your partner for granted? Do you take the things that they do for you for granted? Do you give them the attention that they need and deserve for their presence in your life? If not, give them that attention. Let them know how much you appreciate them.

#10 – Give them space to flourish.

In many relationships, couples become so entwined in each other’s lives that each of them slowly loses a sense of themselves, of who they were before they became a couple. And, because of this, they stop flourishing individually, something that is one of the keys to individual happiness.

It is important that each partner give the other person the opportunity to pursue their own interests, to do the things that they love to do, the things that give them joy.

Many people believe that a happy couple is one who spends all of their time together. I have a friend who I hadn’t seen for years whose husband always posts happy pictures of them on Facebook, so I assumed she was happy. When I saw her recently I learned the truth – she was miserable. She still loved her husband but being with him every minute of every day was just too hard for her.

So, give each other some space. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

#11 – Don’t forget the importance of physical touch.

According to the health and wellness experts at Carl Todd Clinics, physical touch is a key to a happy life. When someone is not getting touched, they are experiencing something that they call “physical touch starvation.” When this occurs, people can become depressed, anxious and lonely. Obviously, in a relationship, this kind of starvation is not good.

Physical touch produces “feel good” chemicals in our body, like oxytocin and dopamine, ones that can help reduce loneliness and improve mental health.

It’s important to remember that physical touch is not just about sex. It can be hugs or holding hands or patting someone on the butt. All of these things create good feelings, ones that can only make a relationship better.

So there you go – 11 ways couples can take care of each other’s well being and keep their relationship strong.

Good for you for reading this far. I know that you want to make sure that your relationship is strong and healthy and that it will last a lifetime.

So, go for it! You can do it!

Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

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Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

The beginning of every relationship is a magical time, full of hopes and dreams for the future and relief that we have finally found our person. When a relationship turns toxic, those dreams are dashed and life becomes miserable. Even worse, sometimes we don’t leave a toxic relationship, hoping it will improve, causing us more damage and disillusionment.

If you have finally escaped from a toxic relationship, know that there is a bright side to your toxic experience – that you can learn what you DON’T want in a relationship and that life can and will go on.

I know that this doesn’t seem possible right now but it is!

Let me share with you the things that you can learn from a toxic relationship, things that can help you find the love you seek!

#1- That you will never again ignore relationship red flags.

According to Dr. Lawrence Josephs, women are pros at ignoring symptoms of toxic relationships because they are, first and foremost, fixers. They believe that anything that is wrong in their relationship can be fixed with a little bit of love, acceptance and time. As a result, they stay in a relationship truly believing that if they do, things will change.

It is important that, as you move onto a new relationship, you commit to yourself that you will never try to fix your person. If you see red flags in someone else’s behavior, hit the road immediately. After all, no amount of love or patience can fix someone else’s behavior. They need to want to change in order to do so.

#2 – That you are not your attachment style.

Many women truly don’t believe that they aren’t worthy of a healthy love. The reasons that they feel that way are often the result of an unhealthy attachment style.

According to Dr Amy Marschall, many women who don’t believe that they are worthy of love don’t because of attachment issues. Most often, these attachment issues are the result of an unhealthy parent/child dynamic. They can also be the result of past traumatic relationships.

It is important that, as you move out of this relationship, you recognize that you are worthy of love. Yes, you might have an attachment style that makes this difficult but understanding your attachment style and working to build a healthy relationship in spite of it will help you move on.

#3 – That you will never let someone else have power over you.

For every relationship, it is important that the power dynamic is mostly equal. That each person has a say in what happens in the relationship and that each person is comfortable with decisions that are made. Unfortunately, when people are caught up in toxic relationships, they don’t see that their partner might have an unhealthy power over them.

It is important that, as you move forward, you pay attention to the power dynamic in your relationship. Never let another person have a power over you that is destructive. And don’t tell yourself that you aren’t powerful.  You have made it this far in your life – much of it under your own power!

#4 – That great sex does not mean a healthy relationship.

So many of my clients who are trying to escape from a toxic relationship say that one of the reasons that they stay, one of the reasons that they still believe there is love in the relationship, is because of how great the sex is. After all, how can a relationship be a toxic one when they are still so physically connected to their partner.

According to Psychology Today, people who are in toxic relationships have an unhealthy attachment to sex. They love the thrill of make up sex. They use sex as a replacement for love. They use sex as a way to tie themselves to another person. Sex can indicate security when comes from a place of love but in a toxic relationship it is just a mask for the symptoms.

Going forward, recognize that great sex is not a substitute for love.

#5 –  That you will never again make excuses about someone else’s behavior.

Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you say that he is impatient because he has been working so hard? Do you say that his anger towards you is your fault? Do you say that he is a good person, even as he is abusive?

People who feel the need to repeatedly excuse their partner’s behaviors are often in a toxic relationship and are ignoring the red flags. It is important that, going forward, you notice red flags and do not excuse them away.

surviving a toxic relationsihp

#6 – That you must love yourself fully and not look elsewhere to fill that need.

It’s almost an epidemic in our country – women who just don’t love themselves and who look to others to “complete them.” Society, and social media especially, has set us women up to fail with its high expectations that are impossible to reach, impossible standards of beauty and success that pervade our every day lives.

It is imperative that you take some time to learn to love yourself; to accept yourself as the amazing woman that you are, even if the person you see in the mirror looks nothing like the filtered influencers you see online. Because, if you can love yourself, you won’t need another person to “complete you” and won’t stay in a toxic relationship hoping for it to happen.

#7 – That things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

This is probably the number one thing that I hear from clients who are struggling to escape from a toxic relationship – that, if they just love their partner enough, things will go back to the way that they were in the beginning – when their partner was lovely and kind and they had hopes for the future.

Unfortunately, even in healthy relationships, things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. The dopamine that our bodies produce when we are falling is love is different from the dopamine released in a healthy, committed relationship. It produces a calmer, more settled feeling, one that is not as intense as the initial craziness.  In a toxic relationship, that dopamine might be gone forever.

Accept that, even if your relationship becomes a healthy one, it will never go back to the way it was in the beginning and don’t set it as a standard that you are looking for in a happy relationship.

So, how can you recover from a toxic relationship, move on and find the love that you want?

According to the Baylor College of Medicine, there are 7 steps that one must take in order to fully recover from a toxic relationship.

#1- Accept that the relationship was toxic.

Acceptance is the key to making any sort of change. If you can accept that your relationship was toxic, you are taking the first huge step towards healing.

#2 – Make the decision to heal.

Many people tell me they are ready to heal but they are still holding on to what could be. If you can fully embrace healing you are on the road to mending.

#3 – Feel your feelings.

We Americans love to hold in our feelings. To “be strong.” Unfortunately, doing so just isn’t healthy. Feel your feelings – cry, scream, whatever you have to do. Get them out of your body so that you can get healthy again.

#4 – Get help from a professional.

Getting help from someone who has experience helping people get past toxic relationships is key to the healing process. So reach out to a therapist or a life coach (like me!) to get help, now.

#5 – Take care or yourself.

I know that you just want to eat ice cream on the couch but now is not the time. Of course, you can eat some ice cream, but get up off the coach and take a walk or go for a swim as well. Keep your body strong.

#6 – Set goals.

This is the time to set goals for yourself. Whether its to get healthy and strong or to spend more time with your friends or to take a cruise around the world, now is the time to look ahead at a future that is full of things that make you happy.

#7 – Find a support group.

There is nothing better than being surrounded by a group of people who are going through the same thing that you are and, maybe even have come out the other side. Find a group of people either online or in person. There are many women going through the same thing that you are right now.

If you have read this far I know that you are looking to survive your toxic relationship.

Good for you. Knowing that you can learn lessons from your toxic relationship so that you can move forward in a healthy way is a key to that survival.

Keep up the good work. You can do it!

7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

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7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

I always tell people that the best way to get over an ex is to go “no contact” – specifically to block them on their phone so that they can’t get in touch. After all, if you aren’t in contact with your ex, the toxic cycle that has led to the break up will be stopped in its tracks, the pain will fade and life will go on.

Interestingly, when I suggest this to men, they see it’s value and have no hesitation to block their ex. Unfortunately, almost without exception, when I suggest that a woman block her ex I am immediately met with push back, most specifically with the phrase “that seems awfully harsh.”

After talking to a client who has repeatedly refused to block a series of exes, no matter how toxic they are, I decided to dig into what experts say about why women make choices that self-sabotage, namely not blocking their ex. I thought that understanding it might help me help women overcome their hesitation and do the very thing that will allow them to move on and find the love they seek.

#1 – Our brains will choose pleasure over pain every time.

According to Mandy Napier, Master Practitioner of Neurological Repatterning and Behavioral Change, human beings are fundamentally drawn towards pleasure and away from pain. The reason for this is because of two parts of the brain that have an uneasy co-existence.

Every brain has two sides – the conscious (logic and intellect) and the unconscious (emotions and memories). The subconscious mind is significantly more powerful than the conscious mind. As a result, much of our decision making is done with our emotions and based on that which gives us pleasure, conveniently ignoring the conscious brain that knows better. As a result, we make illogical choices that might not be in our best interest in the long term. Even worse, when confronted with change, the subconscious mind releases a chemical which fuels doubt and fear which, in turn, leads us to create stories that justify our inability to make change.

When faced with the idea of blocking someone, a woman’s conscious mind might know what she should do but the unconscious mind fuels sadness and fear, something that keeps her from doing what she intellectually knows is best for her.

#2 – We struggle with feelings of self-worth.

According to therapist Dr. Pat Allen, “The only way you know you love yourself…is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep.” Unfortunately, our unconscious brain, which stores our memories, is full of memories of broken commitments and bad decisions, memories that can lead us to have low-self esteem.

It is just this feeling of being a failure that keeps us from doing something good for ourselves. After all, we have made so many bad choices in the past, choices that have brought us to this place, why should we trust ourselves to do the right thing for us now?

And so we default to the thing the gives us pleasure in the moment – being on the other side of the phone should our ex decide to contact us, even if we know, deep down, that we are only sabotaging our sense of self-worth by doing so.

#3 – We always put the needs of others first.

Therapist Rosjke Hasseldine writes about “The Culture of Female Service.” This school of thought speaks to the cultural beliefs that women are the nurturing gender and that it is a woman’s role to nurture their family and relationships. This school of thought is one that is continually reinforced with the generational pattern of women to put everyone else’s needs above their own. I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.

Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to put their needs second, prioritizing the feelings of their partner. Even in a break up, women tend to prioritize their partner’s needs. One of my clients wouldn’t block her ex because “he was in pain,” in spite of the fact that every time she heard from him it was like a dagger to her heart.

women can't block their ex

#4 – Overcoming ambivalence is hard to do.

If there is one thing that it is innately human, its the struggle to make a decision. And this ambivalence, according to Dr. Allan Zuckoff, is exactly the thing that makes it difficult to take action in one way or another. When faced with making a decision we, both consciously and unconsciously, weigh the costs vs the benefits – to get what we want, what must we sacrifice to do so.

When it comes to deciding whether or not to block an ex, women struggle with this cost/benefit equation. While the benefits might be significant – letting go of a toxic relationship, no longer being re-injured, an end to the pain – the cost are significant too – shutting the door of the relationship, the fear of intense pain, the letting go of things ending differently. The trade off, unfortunately, isn’t crystal clear. Furthermore, because many women struggle with low self-esteem, especially at the end of a relationship, getting clarity about what they should do is almost impossible.

And so, unable to equalize the costs/benefit equation, women maintain the status quo and don’t block their ex.

#5 – We are addicted to the text alert.

I always say that letting go of a relationship, especially one that is toxic or involves a married man, is much like letting go of an addiction. And one’s cell phone plays a significant role in fueling those addictive behaviors, making them harder to let go of.

According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer, the brain chemistry of someone in love is similar to the brain chemistry of someone who has taken drugs or eaten chocolate or had a drink. All these things trigger chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin, all feel good chemicals that influence romantic bonds. When a relationship ends, the production of these chemicals ceases, leaving many people, especially women, craving more.

One way that those feel good chemicals are produced is when a text alert from an ex comes across one’s phone. Those feel good chemicals surge again, making someone feel high. Unfortunately, those chemicals only last so long and that woman is soon left feeling depleted. If a woman blocks her ex, she knows that she is forever letting go of that wonderful feeling that she gets when she receives a text, the idea of which leads to desperation and despair.

#6 – Repeated self-sabotaging negative thoughts derail us.

I know that my clients all know that blocking their exes is the right thing to do, that it will ultimately help them move on. Unfortunately, those same clients tend to get bogged down with persistent negative thoughts about themselves and their lives, ones that are ultimately self-sabotaging.

According to Dr. Judy Ho, every person has thousands of thoughts a day, some of them positive and, unfortunately, many of them negative. While one might think that these negative thoughts are just thoughts, because they are so often repeated, they soon become habits and therefore driving forces in the decisions that we make, many of which are self-sabotaging.

When it comes to blocking an ex, these self-sabotaging thoughts rear their ugly head. Sometimes women catastrophize – going directly to the worse case scenario if they block them, perhaps that they will be alone forever. They might hesitate to block their ex because because they don’t him to be in pain. And, most often, their self-sabotaging thoughts tell them that they just can’t do it.

And so they don’t.

#7 – Our happiness depends on the happiness of others.

I stumbled upon a term recently, “happiness by proxy,” a term which means our own happiness depends on the happiness of others. If there is anything that describes a woman, it is this term.

Because women have the innate need to care for others, when others are unhappy, they are too. When told that the best way to end a toxic relationship and move on is by blocking the person who hurt them, paradoxically, women worry about how their ex will FEEL if they do that. Will they be confused? Sad? Angry? Or, even worse, happy?

As a result, women don’t want to block their ex because they won’t know how their ex will feel and worry about not being able to help them and therefore feel miserable themselves. Of course, if a woman doesn’t block her ex, her ex might be happier that he can reach her but only at her expense.

Not being able to block an ex is the number one reason why women are not able to get out of a toxic relationship.

By staying attached to their ex, even if just electronically, they will never be able to let go.

Perhaps if a woman is aware of why she just can’t block her ex, that it could be because of a negative thought patterns or low self-esteem or a form of addiction, perhaps she can recognize that she doesn’t stay because of some love for him but perhaps something else that she struggles with.

Blocking her ex and letting him go just could be the first step in overcoming these struggles which could, in turn, give her happy ending.

9 Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

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9  Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

Are you in the heartbreaking position of knowing that you need to break up with someone because they aren’t the right person for you? Do you know that you need to do it but are finding it impossible to do so?

I totally get it – I have been there. Everyone has been there. After all, for so many reasons, breaking up is hard to do!

But why is breaking up so hard? After all, you know that they aren’t the person for you and yet you can’t let them go. The reasons are complex. Understanding those reasons might help you step up and do what has to be done, namely letting someone who isn’t the right person for you go, for both of your sakes.

To that end, here are 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

#1 – Because of how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Were things with you and your partner wonderful in the beginning? Do you hold on to the memories of your initial meeting, when you talked into the night? Do remember the passionate sex? Do you think about the magic and the romance, the dreams about the future, the satisfaction that you knew that you had finally found your person?

All of those things are hard to let go of.

For many of my clients, one of the reasons that they find that they can’t break up with their partner is because of how wonderful it was in the beginning. They believe that if they just hold on long enough, they will find that spark again and it will carry them forward.

Unfortunately, in any relationship, it’s impossible to go back to the beginning. Even in healthy relationships, the spark of an early relationship will never return. For a healthy relationship, that spark will settle down to contentment and happiness. For an unhealthy one, that spark will be extinguished forever, never to return.

So, if you find that you are having a hard time breaking up with your person, know that trying to get back to the beginning will only cause frustration.

#2 – Because you truly believe that your love can change them.

Are you one of those people who likes to take care of other people? Is this especially true when you are in a relationship? Do you believe that if you only love your person enough, you can change them and therefore change your relationship?

This happens all the time. I remember in one relationship my boyfriend was really struggling to be successful in the world. Because of this, his insecurity was making our relationship untenable. I truly believed that if I only loved him enough, if I supported him enough, I could fix our relationship by making him feel better about himself.

That boyfriend is now an ex.

If you are not breaking up with your person, even though you know you should, because you believe that with effort you can fix everything, just know you can’t. All the love in the world won’t change another person’s behavior unless they want to change. And if you’re one of those people who believes that they are not a quitter, and therefore won’t leave a relationship, know that you’re being willing to quit will only lead to more unhappiness because you can’t be the only person in a relationship who is fighting for it!

#3 – Because you don’t want to cause anyone pain.

Nobody wants to cause anyone pain. Nobody. After all, why would we want to inflict pain on someone who we once loved and probably do still care about?

And I get this. But I always ask people if their person is in pain right now. Is their person unhappy because the relationship is struggling? Perhaps they are anxious and preoccupied with what is happening. Perhaps they are feeling hopeless about the future because of the relationship. Would you really be causing them more pain by ending the relationship?

One thing that I see over and over in relationships is that someone doesn’t break up with someone but instead slowly pulls away, giving their person less and less until they are truly just breadcrumbing them. Because of their fear of hurting their person, they hope that if they give their person less, their person will break up with them, making it so that they aren’t the cause of any pain.

The truth of this course of action, unfortunately, is only more pain. Instead of having the intense pain of a Band-Aid ripped off by a break up, with the breadcrumbing, it is being taken off slowly, which makes the pain worse.

So if you’re afraid of causing your person pain, know that, while it might hurt in the moment, ultimately, you are ending both of your pain.

#4 – Because your friends and family like them.

I have one client who really didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because of how attached he was to their family. He was distant from his family and his girlfriend’s family had truly embraced him. He had been part of every family event for the past two years. He had helped them build their house. He had gone golfing with her father. He looked at her family as his family.

And, he didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because he didn’t want to let his family down or to lose them. And so he stayed. Unfortunately, because the relationship was an unhealthy one, the family encouraged their daughter to let him go and move on. And, because he drew it all out and caused their daughter pain, the separation from the family was not healthy one and he had to let it go completely.

Are you staying with your partner because your friends tell you that he’s wonderful? Or that your mom is so excited that you finally found the one? If you hold on to what they say, you’re only going extend your misery. After all neither your family nor your friends are in your relationship and understand just what are the dynamics.

#5 – Because you are afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

I would say that, for everyone, they hesitate to break up because they are worried that they will never love or be loved again. They feel like they have a bird in hand, someone who they could build a life with, even if the love isn’t what they had hoped it would be. So they stay, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And they are miserable.

Know that the only way that you will never love or be loved again is if you stay in this relationship. Fitting a square peg into a round hole only leads to dissatisfaction. If you can let go of this relationship and put yourself out there for a new one, you are way more likely to find one where you can receive the love that you want. And letting go of someone who you can’t love completely is the best gift that you can give them because it will give them the opportunity to find true love as well.

#6 – Because you are trauma bonded to them.

Many people who stay in relationships that aren’t working do so because they are trauma bonded to their person, that they stay with their person not because of love but of some kind of shared trauma that keeps them together.

Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening. Signs of trauma bonding are a need for constant verbal affirmation, a partner manipulating you into doing what they want, an uneven power dynamic, and history constantly repeating itself.

Often times, people who are in relationships that display these signs, become bonded to their partner not because of love but because of toxicity, something that can be very hard to recognize.

So, ask yourself what has happened in your relationship to see if perhaps your bond is not a healthy one.

#7 – Because you are reliant on them for support.

One of the reasons why breaking up is never easy is because, often times, when we have been in a long-term relationship, we can become reliant on our partner. That we need them to support us in order to live our lives.

What that kind of support looks like can be varied. Sometimes it’s financial support, with your partner helping you pay your rent or your tuition. Sometimes it’s emotional; you find that you need your partner to help you get through difficult times. Sometimes it’s just that you enjoy having someone around the house to help you with the chores and the kids.

Whatever kind of support that you get from your partner, know that you will figure things out if you break up with them. After all, you had many years without them, years that you managed just fine, and you will do the same when your break up is complete.

#8 – Because you don’t want to start dating again.

I get it! Dating sucks! Nobody wants to do it if they don’t have to.

But that’s no reason to stay with someone.

If you are staying with someone because you don’t want to date again, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Yes, dating can be a horrible thing, but it is a thing that leads you to find the person who you’re meant to be with. Having to get back on the horse might be daunting, but it isn’t the end of the world. You can date. You have done so before. And you can do so again.

Yes, the prospect might feel yucky, but you can’t do it!

breaking up is never easy#9 – Because hope never dies.

One of the most interesting things about human beings is that, inherently, hope never dies.

I often wonder about people who are in plane crashes and, if until the moment the plane crashes, do they have hope that they will survive. I am guessing they do. The human heart and brain wants to believe that it will all work out in the end.

Are you hoping that if you just hold onto this relationship, you can make it work? Are you hoping that if you are a better person, or can give your partner more, or if they can change, that you can live happily ever after? If yes, know that what you are believing could just be hope and not based in any sort of reality.

Heartbreaking I know, but true.

So there you go, 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

I know that you don’t want to do this. I know that the prospect of being alone, of hurting someone, of having to start dating all over again, is making you hesitate to let go of your person.

But, hopefully, having an understanding that why you might be having a hard time breaking up with someone is not because you truly love them, but because of reasons that are way more complex.

I know you can do this. I know you can break up with this person, to free you both up to find love and happiness. Go for it!

Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

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Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

According to the Attachment Project, trauma bonding is a sort of bond that develops when someone has an unhealthy attachment to someone else. Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening.

In the work that I have done with my clients over the past 10 years, I have seen this over and over. Women who are otherwise very strong and successful, trying, and failing, repeatedly, to let go of their married man. When I suggest that, perhaps, they might have an unhealthy bond that is keeping them with their married man, they push back very hard. They tell me that their married man is their soulmate, that they’ve never felt love like this before, and that they cannot imagine a life without them. There is not way that their relationship is unhealthy and has led to a trauma bond.

Because of how often I see this, I have decided that it’s a time to dig into what trauma bonding is to help women understand why they stay with their married men. I want them to see that a trauma bond is abuse – that they are being abused by the person they love, even if they don’t see it that way. Perhaps by learning more about what a trauma bond is, a woman can see the truth of why she stays.

To that end, here are 9 signs of a trauma bond so that you can understand the truth behind your relationship with your married man.

#1 – You need constant verbal affirmations.

When you were first with your married man, did he totally love bomb you? Did he tell you how beautiful and sexy you were and how he had never loved like this before? Did he make you feel special in a way that you had never felt before, something that you don’t want to let go of?

And, while he does still do this, do you find that you need more and more of it. Instead of settling into feeling loved, do you need him to constantly reassure you that he loves you?

I have a client who is trying to break up with her married man and she goes days or weeks without talking to him and then he reaches out and wants to make small talk. She doesn’t want small talk. She wants him to tell her how much he loves her and how he can’t live without her and that their time apart made her miserable. She needs to hear from him how much he cares about her because if she doesn’t, she won’t feel loved.

So, think about how you feel when you don’t get the words of love from your married man that you need. Do you feel empty? Do you feel hopeless? Do you feel like he will never choose you? Do you feel like if you don’t hear those words soon you will fall apart?

If any of these things are true, you are definitely trauma bonded to your married man.

#2 – You depend on him for your happiness.

Do you find that when you aren’t with your man you just can’t be happy? Do you find that more minutes than not of your day are spent thinking about him, missing him, wondering if he’s thinking about you, wondering if he’ll ever leave his wife? When you’re out with your friends, are you distracted with thoughts of him, hoping that he’ll reach out?

Much like needing constant, verbal affirmations, someone who is trauma bonded believes that they can never be happy unless they are with their married man. They need to be with him, hearing his words of love, getting physical touch, having sex, getting their dopamine hit, being told that they are a priority and that they will live happily ever after.

I am guessing that before you were involved with your married man, you were a happy person in the world. You were independent and had friends and had fun and didn’t spend all of your time focused on someone who wasn’t there. Even if you have been unhappy relationships before, you were still able to be happy.

Women who are trauma bonded are rarely happy when they’re not with their married man. That is why they have such a hard time letting them go.

#3 – He manipulates you into to getting what he wants.

When one of my clients tries to let go of her married man, I always encourage her to block him. Why? Because he has the power, because of their trauma bond, to manipulate her into coming back.

Many of my clients’ married men, when told by their affair partner that she needs to let him go, willingly allow them to do so. They say that they want them to be happy and that they know that they can’t do so, because of their marital status. And they do leave my clients alone, but not for long.

Sooner than later, they reach out to see how my client is or because they need advice or because they miss them or because they need closure or because they want to tell them that they have talked to a lawyer. And, while my clients might push back for a bit, they always give. After all, their man is hurting and they need to be there for them. (Even though their man’s pain is completely self imposed)

You see, a married man without his lover is lost. He knows that, if he lets her go, she can go on to have a happy life – to find someone who can love her completely. He, on the other hand, is left in an unhappy marriage with no one to tell him how wonderful he is, to support him and to have sex with him. And he knows that his affair partner is vulnerable to his manipulations – that she has tried and failed to leave him, that she will stay no matter the pain that he has inflicted upon her. So, he reaches out and sucks her back in.

And this manipulation is the key part of a trauma bond – one person manipulating the other to do things that they don’t want to do.

#4 – The same things happens over and over.

If you are reading this article, it is very likely that you are in a relationship with a married man that you know is unhealthy and that you are trying to let go of. So, let me ask you – is one of the reasons that you know that you have to let go because the same things keep happening over and over and over?

Does he make you promises that he will take action and then doesn’t? Does he promise you that he will show up and then not do so? Does he tell you that you are a priority and then choose to go to his son’s soccer game instead of showing up for your birthday?

Do these things happen over and over?

One sign of a trauma bond is the repeated cycle of abuse – that someone has the same experience over and over and they let it happen. They let their person get away with doing things that hurt them, in the name of soul mates and love and hopes for the future.

#5 – He has more power in the relationship then you do.

Take a moment and reflect on your relationship with your married man – does he have more power in the relationship than you do? Did you think that, because he tells you he loves you and makes you a priority that you have power over him? Does thinking about it point out that, in fact, he is the one who is in control?

People who are trauma bonded are in relationships, particularly affairs, that have a skewed power dynamic. After all, the married man is the one who has all of the power in the relationship. He is the one who can determine what happens every step of the way.  He is the one who can choose to walk away from his marriage and his family or stay. He is the one who can make and break promises, knowing that there were will be no permanent repercussions. He knows that if he chooses to stay with his family, his girlfriend will most likely hang around too.

Does your married man have a power over you that you let happen? Does he make promises and let you down and hurt you without a thought? Do you let him do it? If yes, you are definitely trauma bonded to this man and letting him go will be very difficult.

#6 – You don’t recognize yourself anymore.

One sign of a trauma bond is when the abused person has lost sight of who they are. Who no longer sees herself in the mirror and feels good about herself. Who needs her married man to define who she is.

I know that when I was having an affair, I completely lost myself. I was a shell of the person who I was before the affair started. Then I was a single women in NYC, building my business and living a good life. Then I met him and things got better, temporarily. Over time, I became more and more obsessed with him leaving his wife, to the point that it was all that I could think about. It ruined my life, in more ways than one.

Once I found the power to let him go, I got my life back. I built a successful business, spent time with friends who I had abandoned and finally found the love that I was looking for. I loved the woman I saw in the mirror and wonder who that woman was who was having an affair.

#7 – You are emotionally exhausted.

Be honest with yourself – are you exhausted? Do you find that you can’t sleep and eat? Have you abandoned the very things that used to keep you emotionally fulfilled? Do you feel weak in the face of the pressure that you are putting on him and the ways that you let him manipulate you into staying, over and over?

A key part of a trauma bond is this emotional exhaustion – that the relationship, instead of lifting you up, sucks you down.  You have moments of happiness when you hear from him or are with him but most of the time you are sad and angry and frustrated. You are exhausted from going through this every day, wondering when things are going to change.

Let me tell you – until you walk away you are going to be exhausted – it might even make you sick. What it will definitely do is erode your self-esteem and your strength and make walking away even more difficult.

#8 – You are (unwittingly) addicted to the drama.

For many women who are having an affair with a married man, they are – unwittingly – addicted to the drama of it all.

While they are in pain when they try to walk away, when their man reaches out again, things are wonderful. And they are wonderful because of the drama – the dramatic breaking up ceremony (which sucks) and the dramatic reunion (which is what they longed for).

Why? Because their married man gives them the verbal affirmations that they crave.  He makes her promises that she knows that he will fulfill this time. They have amazing make up sex. For a few days, everything is wonderful and the hope is back, until its not.

And then the whole dramatic process starts over again, leading to pain and suffering and then words of love and empty promises.

A woman sitting on the ground with her head down.

#9 – You refuse to accept the truth.

The truth of your relationship with your married man is that he will never leave his wife. No matter what he says – that he is talking to a lawyer, that he is taking baby steps, that you will have the life you want – he just won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his children, destroying his finances and wrecking his social life.

And you, in spite of knowing deep down that what I am saying is true, stay.  You want so much for him to leave his wife that you are willing to live with self-delusion, believing that it will someday happen. So you stay, willingly blind to the truth and miserable.

So there you go – 9 signs of a trauma bond that makes it impossible for you to let go of your married man.

I know that you believe that this man is the love of your life, that you will never be happy without him, that you will never find love again. I am afraid that what this shows that you are trauma bonded – you have been manipulated into staying with a man who will never leave his wife. You have lost who you are, are becoming increasingly sick and exhausted and you refuse to accept any truth.

I hope that this blog has helped you see the truth about your relationship, a truth that might help you successfully walk away and find the life and the love that you want.

You can do it!

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