I can’t tell you how many of my clients come to me, unhappy in their relationship, and they aren’t sure why. After all, they tell me, they know that their person loves them. How can they possibly not be feeling like they will be living happily ever after.

The key is, I tell them whether or not their partner truly loves them or is trying to control them.

The key thing to know is that love supports your growth, while control limits your freedom. It’s not always easy to spot the difference, especially when control is disguised as care or concern. Healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and independence. Controlling behaviors, on the other hand, often involve monitoring, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

If Your Partner Does THIS, It’s Not Love, It’s Control

First, What Does Healthy Love Looks Like?

Healthy love thrives on respect, trust, and freedom – not fear or restrictions. In a strong relationship, both partners feel valued and free to express their thoughts and emotions. Your voice matters, your time is appreciated, and your boundaries are upheld. Disagreements may happen, but they’re handled with open communication and teamwork, not manipulation or threats.

And, most importantly, you feel more like your true self, not less.

Here are some things to look out for:

# 1 – Is There Mutual Respect and Trust?

Mutual respect means treating each other as equals, where no one holds all the power or makes all the decisions. Practically, this looks like listening attentively, avoiding hurtful remarks, and making requests instead of demands. For instance, saying, “Could we talk about how often we text?” is far healthier than, “You need to text me every hour.”

Trust, on the other hand, is built on confidence in each other’s honesty and decision-making without constant surveillance. You don’t feel the need to check your partner’s phone or insist on sharing passwords to prove loyalty. Instead, you assume good intentions unless given a reason to think otherwise. A 2020 survey by the American Psychological Association found that strong relationships are closely tied to mutual respect and trust, while low trust often leads to anxiety and conflict.

Many of my clients say that while there was mutual respect in the beginning, as time has gone on, it has faded. They are left with feeling like they need to change who they are to gain the respect they desire, often to no effect.

#2 – Do You Support Each Other’s Independence?

Alongside mutual respect, independence plays a key role in healthy love. Partners who value each other’s individuality see it as a strength, not a threat. They encourage personal goals – whether it’s pursuing further education, changing careers, or diving into creative projects – and support hobbies and friendships without guilt. Studies show that autonomy leads to greater relationship satisfaction because it allows each person to maintain their sense of self, bringing a more grounded and complete version of themselves to the partnership.

For example, saying, “I’m so proud of you for going back to school; let’s figure out how to balance chores so you have time to study,” builds support. On the flip side, saying, “If you do that, you’ll have no time for me,” discourages growth. Healthy independence also means celebrating your partner’s time with friends or solo pursuits without resentment, showing joy for their choices rather than reacting with anger or withdrawal.

#3 – Are there Open Communication and Clear Boundaries

Healthy relationships also rely on open dialogue and well-defined boundaries. This includes using “I” statements, like, “I feel uneasy when plans change at the last minute,” instead of blame-filled language, such as, “You never care about my time.” It also means listening to feedback without defensiveness and clarifying misunderstandings. For example, saying, “When you didn’t text back, I wondered if you were upset – was that the case?” helps avoid assumptions.

Boundaries, when done right, protect your emotional well-being without controlling your partner. Saying, “I’m not okay with yelling; if things get heated, I’ll need to step away,” is a healthy boundary. In contrast, saying, “You can’t see your friends without me,” crosses the line into control. Boundaries should be mutually discussed, adaptable over time, and designed to ensure both partners feel safe and respected.

For tools to improve communication or create stronger boundaries, check out my website where you will find more tools to help you reach these goals!

So, What Does Controlling Behavior Looks Like?

Healthy love encourages independence and allows you to grow as an individual. Controlling behavior, on the other hand, seeks to limit your freedom, often masked as concern. Instead of feeling supported and more like yourself, you might feel smaller, restricted, and constantly under scrutiny. The difference is clear: healthy care asks, “How can I support you?” while control insists, “I know what’s best for you.”

This kind of behavior often starts small – frequent check-ins, unsolicited opinions about your friends, or comments on your clothing choices. Over time, these seemingly minor actions can escalate into strict rules, isolation, and emotional manipulation.

#1 – Gestures That Seem Loving or Protective

Controlling behavior often hides behind gestures that seem loving or protective. For instance, a partner demanding constant updates about your whereabouts might claim they’re just worried about you. But this can leave you feeling like you’re under surveillance, obligated to respond immediately. If you don’t reply fast enough, they might flood you with calls or texts, using anger or guilt to get their way.

One of my clients had an off again, on again relationship that made her feel horrible about herself. The key action of her lover – he would always appear when she was struggling with something. He would come in, help her, get her back on the line and then leave again. This behavior might have looked like love but it was control.

#2 – Controlling Media Use

Digital control is another red flag. Insisting on access to your phone, demanding passwords, or requiring read receipts can quickly cross boundaries. In a healthy relationship, privacy – both online and offline – is respected. Sharing access should be a mutual choice, not a test of loyalty.

#3 – Isolating

Isolation is another tactic. A controlling partner might label your friends or family as “toxic” or “bad influences”, pressuring you to spend less time with them. They may insist on approving who you see, stir up conflict when you make plans without them, or display extreme jealousy when you’re with others. Over time, this can chip away at your support network, leaving you more dependent on them.

Many of my clients reach out to me in the first place because they find that they have no one to talk to about their relationship. Whereas before they had a strong social group, over time they have dropped those friends, choosing to focus on their relationship instead. While they might think that this was their idea but, from my experience, it is usually his.

#4 – Emotional Manipulation

Emotional manipulation is a hallmark of controlling behavior. Guilt-tripping might sound like, “After all I do for you, you still choose them over me?” or “You’re making me act this way.” This shifts blame onto you, making you responsible for their actions. They might also resort to fear or threats – hinting at self-harm, threatening to leave, or even saying they’ll expose private information if you don’t comply. In these situations, affection and attention are often given conditionally, based on whether you meet their demands.

#5 – Overprotection

Some controlling behaviors are disguised as care. For example, “protective” jealousy might involve questioning your clothing, your social life, or your friendships under the pretense of keeping you safe. In reality, these actions limit your independence and self-expression. Financial control is another tactic: managing all the money, questioning your spending, or discouraging you from working might be framed as “I’ll take care of you,” but it leaves you dependent and powerless. Unfortunately, U.S. media sometimes romanticizes jealousy or equates “taking charge” with love, making it harder to recognize when these behaviors are harmful instead of supportive.

Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior: Side-by-Side Comparison

When you compare them directly, the contrast between healthy love and controlling behavior becomes crystal clear. Healthy love encourages independence and personal growth, while controlling behavior limits choices and freedom. ^[1]

The key difference lies in intent. Healthy love is built on mutual respect and a shared desire for both partners to flourish. On the other hand, controlling behavior stems from insecurity, fear, or a need for power. Even when disguised as “concern”, control often prioritizes one partner’s comfort over the other’s autonomy. ^[2]

In a healthy relationship, you feel secure, appreciated, and free to be yourself. Disagreements are handled with care, and you don’t fear punishment. ^[1] In contrast, controlling relationships create a tense environment. You might feel anxious, trapped, or like you’re constantly walking on eggshells, second-guessing your words and actions to avoid conflict. ^[2] A simple gut-check can help: Do I feel safe and free, or do I feel trapped and isolated?

Comparison Table: Healthy Love vs. Controlling Behavior

Here’s a breakdown of the key differences:

Aspect	Healthy Love	Controlling Behavior
Core Intention	Care, respect, and mutual growth [1]	Power, fear, and control [3]
Personal Freedom	Encourages independence, separate interests, and friendships [1]	Limits activities, contacts, and choices [3]
Boundaries vs. Rules	Establishes personal boundaries with “I” statements [1]	Imposes rules with demands or threats [3]
Communication	Promotes open, honest dialogue and negotiation [1]	Relies on criticism, interrogation, and ultimatums [3]
Trust & Privacy	Respects privacy and trusts without constant monitoring [1]	Demands passwords, checks devices, and seeks constant updates [3]
Emotional Climate	Creates a safe, supportive space where you feel valued [1]	Generates anxiety and a sense of walking on eggshells [3]
Power Dynamic	Shares decision-making and responsibilities equally [1]	One partner dominates and overrules the other [3]
Long-Term Effects	Builds self-esteem, trust, and resilience [1]	Diminishes confidence, autonomy, and can escalate to abuse [3]

The difference in language is telling. Healthy love asks, “How can we both feel respected and safe?” Controlling behavior demands, “Share your location at all times, or I’ll assume the worst.”

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So How Can You Tell if Your Relationship is a Healthy One?

I always tell my clients that the ultimate test of whether or not their partner loves them or controls them is to pay attention to their body. The body, and the gut, never lie!

Supportive relationships provide a sense of security that can lower stress levels, improve focus, and strengthen your ability to handle life’s challenges. When you feel safe and valued, it becomes easier to concentrate at work or school, show patience with others, and tackle obstacles without feeling overwhelmed.

A partner who genuinely supports you also contributes to building your self-esteem. Encouragement that recognizes your worth and respects your boundaries can help you feel more confident and independent. Over time, this leads to a growing trust in your own abilities. You may find yourself more open to trying new experiences, standing up for what you need, and even walking away from situations that don’t align with your well-being.

In fact, research highlights the power of strong social connections, showing they can boost survival rates by 50%. This underscores just how much healthy love can positively shape your life.

While healthy love uplifts, controlling behavior does the opposite, chipping away at your mental health. In a controlling relationship, you may find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, carefully choosing your words and actions to avoid conflict. This heightened state of vigilance can lead to chronic stress, which, over time, increases the risk of anxiety disorders and depression.

Controlling partners often use criticism and isolation to undermine your confidence and limit your world. Hobbies, friendships, and personal goals might be sacrificed just to maintain peace, leaving you feeling increasingly confined. When your partner dictates who you can see or how you communicate, it cuts you off from the support systems that help you manage stress and affirm your self-worth. Without these connections, negative thoughts can spiral unchecked, and challenges may feel impossible to overcome. Leaving the relationship can seem like an insurmountable task.

In more extreme cases, especially when emotional or psychological abuse is involved, the effects can feel similar to trauma. You might experience symptoms like hypervigilance, intrusive thoughts, emotional numbness, and difficulty trusting others – even after the relationship ends.

If you’re feeling heightened anxiety, struggling to sleep, or noticing that you’re losing your sense of self within your relationship, these are red flags that your mental health may be at risk. It’s essential to take action. Consider reaching out to a therapist or relationship coach for guidance.

So, What to Do Next..

Now that you’ve explored the differences between healthy love and controlling behavior, it’s time to think about your next steps.

If something in this article resonated deeply or made you pause, take a moment to reflect. Ask yourself questions like: “Do I feel safe, respected, and free in my relationship?” or “Do I often feel anxious, monitored, or like I’m always in the wrong?” Trust your instincts here. Reflect on recent moments where you felt either supported or controlled. This kind of self-reflection can help you identify whether you’re dealing with a temporary rough patch or a more harmful, ongoing pattern.

If you’re noticing signs of control but don’t feel ready to confront your partner or make big changes, start by reconnecting with your support network. Spend time with friends and family to regain some independence, and be cautious about sharing personal details while you assess your relationship. Even small steps – like taking a walk alone, meeting a friend for coffee, or joining an online community – can help you test the waters and build confidence. These actions may also reveal how your partner reacts, giving you valuable insights as you plan your next move.

Take these steps at your own pace. Every small action you take brings clarity and builds the confidence to move forward.

Healthy love thrives on mutual respect, trust, and freedom, while controlling behavior is rooted in power and fear.

In a healthy relationship, you feel safe, supported, and free to be yourself. You can maintain your friendships and personal identity without fear of judgment or interference. On the other hand, controlling relationships can leave you feeling anxious, monitored, and confined under the guise of concern, with phrases like “I just care about you” or “I’m only trying to protect you.”

Ask yourself: “Do I feel safe and free in this relationship, or do I feel trapped and monitored?” and “Am I able to make my own choices without fear of backlash?” Honest answers to these questions can help you trust your instincts and identify red flags. Remember, love should be built on mutual respect and freedom – it should expand your world, not shrink it.

You deserve a relationship where you feel respected, heard, and free to be yourself. No relationship should make you feel small, guilty, or afraid.

With this understanding, take small but meaningful steps toward relationships that are defined by care, respect, and trust. Each action you take moves you closer to the love and freedom you deserve.

 

Forgiving is not about forgetting. It isn’t about excusing harm. Forgiveness is about letting go of resentment so that you can heal and strengthen your relationship.

Forgiving can be REALLY hard to do!

Research shows that forgiving can improve emotional and physical health, can help rebuild trust, and, most importantly, can foster deeper connections.

Forgiving someone isn’t always easy – it is a process that takes time and effort, but it is essential for personal peace and healthier relationships. The key is to take small, consistent steps, ones that prioritize your well-being.

Let me share seven actionable steps to help you move forward and forgive.

Forgiveness – How to Release & Let Go

#1 – Identify Your Pain

Before forgiveness can even begin, it’s essential to face the situation and your emotions head-on. This doesn’t mean dwelling endlessly on the pain – it’s about recognizing what you’re feeling and why. Holding onto emotions like anger, resentment, or hurt takes a toll, both mentally and physically. Studies show that suppressing these feelings can lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and even depression^[1]. Ignored emotions don’t disappear; they tend to grow, fueling further conflict and making forgiveness harder to achieve.^[7]

Start by identifying your emotions around the event. Are you feeling betrayed? Angry? Disappointed?

Be specific. Instead of saying, “I’m upset,” you might say, “I felt deeply betrayed and incredibly alone when this happened.”^[2] This kind of clarity helps you fully grasp the impact of the situation.

Be specific about what caused your pain. Instead of assigning blame, focus on expressing the details of your hurt. This approach can prevent negative emotions from festering. Research by John Gottman highlights how clear, honest communication about emotional pain can break down barriers and strengthen connections.^[7]

Openly sharing your pain with the person who hurt you is a crucial step. Explain exactly how their actions hurt you and give them the opportunity to listen with empathy.^[2] Feeling truly heard can create a foundation for moving forward together.

Don’t forget to show yourself some kindness as well. Acknowledge that your feelings are valid and remind yourself that they won’t last forever. Self-compassion is a key part of emotional healing and allows you to move toward forgiveness at your own pace^[5].

#2 – Embrace Empathy and Manage Perspectives

This next step is a tough one and takes a lot of practice – trying to understand the other person’s perspective – without justifying harmful behavior. Empathy is about stepping into their shoes, considering their motivations, and seeing the situation through their eyes. This shift can help ease feelings of resentment and create the mental space needed for forgiveness to grow.

Studies show that couples who genuinely try to understand each other’s feelings are better able to process and move past negative experiences, ultimately strengthening their bond. Research from the Stanford Forgiveness Project also highlights that forgiveness improves both physical and emotional health, with perspective-taking playing a key role in that process ^[2][7].

Ask yourself: What might have led them to act this way? Were they under intense work pressure, dealing with family struggles, or wrestling with personal insecurities or past trauma? Imagine how you might have responded if faced with similar circumstances.

Next, visualize their best self. Try to picture your person at their best – free from pain, stress, or insecurity. This doesn’t erase what happened, but it can help you separate their actions from who they are as a whole. Shifting your focus in this way can make it easier to release lingering resentment.

Active listening is also crucial. Give your person the chance to share their perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive. Forgiveness often requires mutual effort, and understanding each other’s viewpoints can be a vital part of that process.

Again, this takes a ton of work but you can do it! I know that it took me years to understand my ex-husband’s perspectives on our marriage and that, once I did, it made forgiving him and moving on much easier.

#3 – Connect with What is Good in Your Relationship

When you’re dealing with emotional pain, it’s natural to fixate on what went wrong – replaying the hurt over and over. But forgiveness requires a broader perspective, one that doesn’t just dwell on the harm but also acknowledges the meaningful and positive aspects of your connection.

Studies have shown that by consciously focusing on your partner’s positive traits, you can make forgiveness feel more attainable^[6]. This doesn’t mean ignoring the pain; rather, it’s about expanding your view to include both the hurt and the good. This kind of connection helps you build you create a more balanced perspective, opening the door to healing.

Take a moment to think about your partner’s positive qualities. What made you fall for them in the first place? Maybe it’s their sense of humor that lightens tough situations, their unwavering support when you’ve needed it most, or their genuine efforts to grow as a person. Reflect on shared moments of joy, the ways they’ve enriched your life, or the times they’ve stood by you. These qualities don’t disappear because of a mistake – they can exist alongside the hurt.

When you catch yourself stuck in a loop of negative thoughts, try pausing to ask: What else is true about this person? What moments of kindness, connection, or support can I remember? This isn’t about dismissing your pain – it’s about not letting the hurt overshadow everything else. By balancing the pain with the positive, you take control of where your energy and attention go, rather than letting the transgression dominate your thoughts.

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#4 – Make a Conscious Decision to Forgive

Choosing to forgive is more than just saying the words “I forgive you.” It’s about making a deliberate decision to shift how you see the person who hurt you and committing to the emotional work that follows.

Forgiveness is an active process, not a one-time event. It involves intentionally letting go of feelings like anger, resentment, and hostility while moving toward healing. Studies show that this choice triggers what experts call a “transformation of motivation”, helping you shift from negative emotions toward a more neutral or even compassionate outlook^[8].

This decision is the cornerstone of forgiveness. Without it, the process of healing can’t truly begin^[2]. Think of it as drawing a line in the sand – you’re declaring your readiness to release the weight of resentment, even though the path forward may be challenging. This decision is what allows you to manage and process the emotions that will inevitably resurface along the way.

It’s important to note that forgiving doesn’t mean the pain will vanish instantly. Research has shown that sustained forgiveness can reduce anger, stress, and anxiety while improving your overall well-being^[6]. These benefits take time to build, growing stronger as you stay committed to the process.

Think of forgiveness as a skill you can strengthen over time. Start by forgiving smaller offenses – like an unkind remark or a minor disappointment – before tackling deeper wounds. This gradual approach helps you build your “forgiveness muscle”, making it easier to navigate more significant conflicts later on^[6]. Each act of forgiveness reinforces your commitment and prepares you for future challenges, building on the self-reflection you’ve already practiced.

#5 – Stop Dwelling on Past Wrongs

Once you’ve decided to forgive, it’s time to stop letting past wrongs dominate your present. Forgiveness is a conscious choice, but the harder part is breaking free from the cycle of rumination, replaying the hurt over and over in your head. This habit is one of the biggest obstacles to emotional healing and forgiveness^[6]. Instead of helping you process the pain, rumination keeps negative emotions alive, fueling anger and resentment.

Every time you revisit the offense in your mind, you’re giving that person and that moment power over your present thoughts and emotions. Dr. John Gottman highlights how holding onto negative emotions drains energy and weakens connections^[2]. Beyond emotional exhaustion, research shows that rumination increases anxiety, stress, and hostility, and it’s also linked to symptoms of depression^[3].

There are a few tools at hand to stop this destructive cycle. One way to stop the negative thoughts cycle is to consciously redirect your attention. Activities that demand your full attention, like exercising, diving into a creative project, or having a meaningful conversation, can naturally pull you out of the mental loop and anchor you in the present.

Another way is by writing down your thoughts. Doing so gets them out of your head, giving you clarity and making it easier to let go^[3].

Another helpful approach is to reframe your perspective. Try to imagine the person who hurt you at their best, focusing on their potential for growth and goodness^[5]. This doesn’t excuse their behavior or mean you should lower your boundaries, but it can help soften the grip of negative emotions.

#6 – Take Stock of Your Healing Process

Dealing with the pain of betrayal or hurt can feel overwhelming, with emotions often shifting from one moment to the next. Keeping a written account of your journey can make a big difference. Instead of allowing all of your emotions to keep swirling around in your head, causing damage, writing things down can help you sort through your feelings and take steps toward healing. Studies have shown that writing about emotions and experiences can lower stress and anxiety, while meditation helps calm the mind and process tough emotions^[3].

Capturing your feelings on paper allows you to dig deeper into what’s troubling you. When writing about a conflict or betrayal, consider asking yourself questions like: What exactly hurt me? Does this remind me of something from my past? What am I afraid will happen if I forgive? How has holding onto this pain affected me? What do I need to feel closure?

Start by writing freely – don’t worry about structure or grammar. Let your emotions, whether they’re anger, sadness, or frustration, pour onto the page. Once you’ve expressed yourself, use the prompts above to guide deeper reflection. For instance, try listing three specific ways negative emotions have impacted your relationships^[7]. You might realize you’ve become distant or overly critical in other areas of your life. Seeing these patterns written out can make them easier to address.

What matters most is consistency. Just 10 to 15 minutes a day of this kind of journaling can create meaningful shifts over time. The key is to make it a regular habit rather than something you only turn to in moments of distress. You can tie it to an existing routine, like journaling after your morning coffee, to help you stick with it.

As you continue, take time to review your written entries every so often. Date your entries and look for patterns in your thoughts and reactions. You might notice that certain situations trigger old feelings or that your perspective has changed significantly. Seeing this progress can be incredibly motivating, especially on days when forgiveness feels out of reach.

#7 – Reach Out for Support

Forgiveness isn’t always easy, especially when emotions like anger, resentment, and pain feel overwhelming. If you’re finding it hard to move forward in your relationship, there are a number of resources available to help you process your pain, access forgiveness and let go of the pain.

Of course, friends and family are an excellent means of support. Spending time with people who love you can make you feel supported and give you strength to do the hard work that needs to be done to forgive. That being said, friends and family are not impartial and, while they might help you feel better in the moment, they might not help big picture.

Support groups are also an excellent source of education and support. Sharing space with people struggling with forgiveness can be a powerful tool for healing.

Therapists, counselors, or relationship coaches (like me!) can also offer a safe space to unpack these feelings and help you navigate the path toward healing. Their expertise can complement the strategies you’re already working on, making your forgiveness journey more manageable.

When seeking help, look for professionals with credentials in relationship work to ensure their expertise aligns with your goals. For instance, I offer a variety of resources to help with your healing, including coaching sessions, a 4-week course designed to help you move on from heartbreak, and a free e-book on overcoming relationship challenges. One client shared their experience:

“From our very first session to now (3 months in), I’ve always left feeling a greater sense of empowerment and energy to tackle the challenges we outlined together. Every time we talk, I see myself accomplishing goals that I had previously believed were out of reach…” – Client of Let Your Dreams Begin

It’s important to find the right fit for your needs. Therapists and counselors typically rely on well-researched techniques, while coaches may take a more tailored and goal-oriented approach. Research from the Stanford Forgiveness Project even highlights how professional support not only aids forgiveness but can also improve your overall emotional and physical health ^[2].

Forgiveness takes dedication, practice, and patience^[3].

The seven methods outlined work together to help release resentment and encourage healing. Each step supports the next: being honest about your emotions can make empathy easier, and practicing gratitude often paves the way for a genuine decision to forgive. This process is backed by research, showing that every step contributes to emotional and physical well-being.

The benefits of forgiveness reach beyond personal healing – they can transform relationships. Forgiveness builds trust and intimacy, helping couples move past conflicts and create stronger, more resilient bonds^[1]. It also encourages self-regulation, reducing harmful conflict dynamics and promoting healthier behaviors. Relationship expert Dr. John Gottman emphasizes that holding onto negative emotions drains energy and harms relationships, making forgiveness a key factor for couples aiming to build a positive future^[2].

Forgiveness requires strength and courage, and its greatest gift is often to yourself. It frees you from the grip of resentment and lets you reclaim control over your life^[3]. By letting go, you create space for stronger, healthier relationships.

Start where you are. If you’re just beginning, focus on recognizing and validating your emotions. If you’re further along, work on making the conscious choice to forgive or breaking the habit of reliving past wrongs. You don’t need to tackle all seven practices at once – choose one or two that feel most relevant to your situation. By committing to forgiveness, you’re prioritizing your own peace, freedom, and the health of your relationships. While the road may be challenging, the rewards of personal growth and deeper connections make it worth every step.

New relationships are super exciting, but early warning signs, also known as red flags, often hint at deeper problems. Many of us ignore these red flags, hoping that things will work out in spite of them. Or that we will be able to change our new person and make them go away.

Red flags are signs of trouble in a new love match. They can be little or big.

Perhaps your date looks at your phone without asking, or won’t let you look at theirs. Perhaps they don’t treat people in a way that feels good to you. Perhaps they disappear for days at a time and then return without explanation. Perhaps they make you feel bad any time you express your feelings. All of these things are red flags – flags that should be acted upon.

The key to acting upon them? Knowing how to spot them!

Let me share 6 red flags to keep your eye out for so that you don’t waste any more time on the wrong person.

Five Red Flags in Early Dating You Can’t Miss | Sabrina Zohar

#1 – Being Too Controlling or Owning

If a person you’re seeing wants to run your choices or gets too jealous, that’s a big red flag.

They might stop you from seeing your friends or family, saying things like, “Why do you need them when you’re with me?” or make you feel bad for keeping other ties. They might want to check your phone, know your secrets, or keep tabs on you all the time, asking who you are with or where you go. They might try to control how you dress or how you spend money.

Jealousy, too, is a type of owning that can go too far. They might get mad if you chat with a waiter, wave at someone nearby, or bring up a colleague. Accusations like “You’re flirting” when you’re just nice are not okay. These small, yet clear clues point to bigger problems you can’t just brush off.

The tough part is, often this controlling act looks like love. They might say, “I just care a lot” or “I want to keep you safe.” But true love doesn’t cut you off or make you watch every step to keep them happy.

If you find you’re changing to keep them happy or feel like you’re always careful around them, think twice. You shouldn’t drop your friends, joys, or freedom for anyone you date.

#2 – Lacking Respect for Boundaries

When someone disregards your boundaries, it reveals a lot about their character. Boundaries aren’t just casual guidelines – they’re necessary safeguards for your emotional and mental well-being.

Imagine this: you’ve expressed a desire to take things slow, yet your partner keeps pushing for physical closeness. Or you’ve made it clear that you prefer to keep your work life and personal life separate, but they show up at your workplace uninvited. Maybe you’ve asked for quiet evenings without late-night texts, but those messages keep coming. These actions, whether blatant or subtle, slowly wear down your comfort and sense of security.

“If you are not able to verbalize your boundaries in a new relationship or they are crossed and not respected, that is a huge red flag.” – Mental Health Professional, Arkansas ^[1]

Boundaries go beyond personal space – they also include money and time. For example, if you’ve agreed to split the bill or alternate who pays, but your partner insists on always covering the check despite your objections, they’re disregarding your financial boundaries. On the flip side, if they expect you to pay for everything after you’ve expressed a desire for balance, that’s another red flag.

“Red flags undermine trust and safety, leaving you feeling diminished or anxious.” – Katie Dissanayake, Relationship Coach ^[2]

Your time boundaries are equally important. If Sundays are your day for family or personal time, a respectful partner won’t keep pushing for Sunday dates or sulking when you’re unavailable. A considerate partner adjusts and respects your schedule without making you feel guilty.

“Having the boundaries that you need to take care of yourself will ultimately allow you to show up well for a partner.” – Danielle Sethi, Therapist ^[3]

Trust your instincts when something feels off. A partner who respects your boundaries will listen, understand, and adjust without argument. If they try to negotiate or dismiss your limits, it’s a clear sign to reevaluate. A healthy relationship is built on mutual respect for each other’s needs and personal space – right from the start.

#4 – Inconsistent or Dishonest Communication

Dishonest communication, much like controlling behavior or boundary issues, can erode trust right from the beginning. Trust is the backbone of any strong relationship, and when someone’s words don’t align with their actions, it’s often a sign of deeper problems. Let’s break this down.

Picture this: they say they’re serious about building a connection, but then disappear for days. Or they seem thrilled about meeting up again, only to take forever to reply to your messages or cancel plans at the last minute. This hot-and-cold pattern keeps you guessing and unsettled.

Major red flags also show up in how they talk about themselves. If their stories about daily life or their background keep changing, and they dodge direct questions, it’s hard to build trust.

Digital habits, too, can sometimes be red flags. Someone might respond promptly at certain times but then be completely unavailable without any explanation. Or they might actively post on social media while ignoring your messages. Worse, their online activity might contradict things they’ve told you about their lifestyle or interests, adding another layer of mistrust.

Trust your instincts here. If conversations leave you feeling confused, uneasy, or like something just doesn’t add up, don’t ignore that gut feeling. Healthy communication should bring clarity and connection – not leave you more puzzled.

#4 – Rushing the Relationship (aka Love Bombing)

When someone overwhelms you with excessive attention, lavish gifts, and grand declarations of love within just weeks of meeting, it might seem flattering at first. But this behavior – often called love bombing – can be a HUGE red flag.

Love bombing is all about fast-tracking intimacy without building a genuine connection. For example, they might text you constantly throughout the day, send extravagant gifts after only a few dates, or profess deep feelings before truly knowing you. While it may feel romantic in the moment, this whirlwind approach often bypasses the natural process of getting to know each other.

They might insist on exclusivity, suggest moving in together, or even bring up marriage far too soon. These actions are often paired with bold statements like, “We’re meant to be”, or “Why wait when this feels so special?” The urgency can feel overwhelming and may pressure you to match their pace, even if it doesn’t feel right for you.

You might also notice them making your relationship very public early on. They could post about you frequently on social media, tag you in romantic memes, or even update their relationship status after just a few dates. While these gestures might seem sweet, they can also come across as an attempt to “claim” you rather than a genuine display of affection.

Healthy relationships don’t need to sprint to the finish line. They grow gradually through shared experiences, meaningful conversations, and mutual respect for boundaries. If something feels too intense too quickly, trust your instincts. A genuine connection unfolds naturally and gives you the time and space to build trust. Recognizing the signs of love bombing can help you identify and address potential red flags early on, ensuring a healthier approach to relationships.

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#5 – Having a Disrespectful or Critical Attitude

Repeatedly belittling or demeaning behavior is a glaring red flag in any relationship. Much like controlling tendencies or boundary violations, a consistently critical attitude often points to deeper incompatibilities.

Pay attention to how they respond to you. Do they interrupt, dismiss your thoughts, or mock your ideas? Maybe they roll their eyes when you share something you’re passionate about. Perhaps they compare you to an ex or one of their friends’ partners.

Do they hide criticism disguised as “helpful advice.” Remarks about your appearance, career choices, or personal decisions that feel more like put-downs than support can chip away at your confidence.

Watch how they treat others, too. Rudeness to servers, condescension toward family members, or dismissive behavior in social situations can be telling. These patterns often carry over into romantic relationships, especially after the initial charm fades.

Conflict resolution can be equally telling. Do they resort to name-calling, personal attacks, or bringing up past mistakes to hurt you during disagreements? Healthy communication focuses on resolving the issue, not tearing down the other person.

Finally, trust your instincts. If you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells, worried about triggering criticism, it’s a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Feeling pressured to change who you are just to avoid conflict points to deeper issues that need to be addressed early on. Recognizing these patterns can help you protect your sense of self and well-being.

#6 – Poor Conflict Resolution or Emotional Invalidation

When it comes to relationships, how someone handles disagreements can reveal a lot about their character. Poor conflict resolution often highlights deeper issues, and emotional invalidation can make things even worse.

Phrases like “you’re too sensitive”, “you’re overreacting”, or “that’s not a big deal” are clear warning signs. These dismissive comments shut down conversations, deflect responsibility, and make you question your own feelings. Instead of resolving the issue, they leave you doubting yourself.

The silent treatment is another unhealthy tactic. Rather than addressing the problem, they might disappear or refuse to communicate, creating an unsettling power imbalance. This approach doesn’t just avoid the issue – it amplifies it.

Some people turn small disagreements into full-blown arguments by using harsh language or dragging unrelated past conflicts into the mix. Gaslighting is especially damaging during these moments. They might insist a conversation never happened, claim you’re “remembering it wrong”, or make you question your perception of reality.

Stonewalling, or completely shutting down and refusing to engage, is another red flag. It leaves issues unresolved and creates emotional distance. Even after the argument, their behavior can speak volumes. Holding grudges, bringing up old issues, or acting cold for days shows a lack of willingness to move forward constructively.

During conflicts, they might resort to emotional manipulation, bringing up your insecurities or making threats, like suggesting the relationship is at risk over something minor.

How they react when you express hurt feelings is also telling. A healthy response involves listening and showing genuine care. But if they dismiss your concerns or immediately become defensive, it’s a sign they may care more about being “right” than understanding your perspective.

So How Do You Recognize and Address Red Flags?

Trust your instincts. If something feels off, don’t brush it aside as paranoia or overthinking. Often, your gut picks up on subtle warning signs before your mind fully processes them.

Keep a record of behaviors that concern you, noting specific details and dates. This can help you spot patterns over time. Seeing these behaviors laid out can make it harder to dismiss recurring issues or convince yourself they’re not a big deal.

Talk to trusted friends or family members who know you well. Sometimes, being too close to a situation makes it hard to see clearly.

Pay close attention to how your partner reacts to your boundaries. Someone who respects you will honor your limits without arguing, guilt-tripping, or pressuring you. If they repeatedly test your boundaries or make you feel bad for setting them, that’s a warning sign that needs immediate attention.

Consistency matters. Actions speak louder than words. If someone claims to respect you but frequently cancels plans last minute, shows up late, or dismisses your concerns, their behavior is telling you more than their words ever could.

Pay attention to their response when you express concerns. A healthy partner will listen and take your feelings seriously. On the other hand, if they become defensive, dismiss your concerns, or turn the blame back on you, it’s a sign of how future conflicts might be handled.

Know when it’s time to walk away. Certain red flags, like controlling behavior or emotional manipulation, often get worse over time. If these patterns show up early in the relationship, they’re unlikely to improve without significant effort on the other person’s part.

Knowing how to recognize red flags and how to act on them is an important part of building a healthy relationship.

Trust your instincts if something feels off. Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect, open communication, and understanding. Spotting these red flags early helps you make informed decisions about your emotional safety.

Spotting red flags early is key to protecting your emotional well-being and shaping a healthier future. Knowing how to recognize red flags – controlling behavior, boundary violations, dishonest communication, love bombing, disrespectful attitudes, and poor conflict resolution – can help you avoid unnecessary heartache when identified in time.

You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries, communicates openly, and shows kindness, even in moments of conflict. Don’t settle for less or assume you can change someone’s behavior. Recognizing red flags early can save you from long-term harm.

Ultimately, addressing red flags isn’t about trying to change someone else – it’s about protecting yourself. The right person will respect your boundaries, communicate openly, and work through challenges with you, not create them.

 

Loss can shatter your confidence, leaving you questioning your identity and decisions. I get it! I have been there!

But, rebuilding takes time – you can and will feel better! I promise.

Taking small, deliberate steps can help you reconnect with your inner strength and help you heal!

Let me share some now!

Tips To Rebuild Self Confidence When You Are Grieving

#1 – Accept Your Grief and Emotional Response

Rebuilding confidence after a loss doesn’t start with forcing yourself to move on – it begins with giving yourself permission to feel. Grief isn’t a sign of weakness, nor is it something you need to rush through. It’s your mind and body’s natural way of processing a profound change, and trying to suppress or avoid it often makes the road to recovery even harder.

When you suppress your emotions or try to fast-track your healing, you send yourself the message that your feelings don’t matter. This can erode your self-trust. On the other hand, accepting your grief isn’t about giving up; it’s about channeling your energy toward genuine healing.

Make space for your emotions without judging them. If sadness hits, let it flow through you instead of immediately trying to distract yourself or “snap out of it.” When anger arises, acknowledge it rather than burying it. Acceptance doesn’t mean you have to act on every feeling – it means you’re respecting your emotional reality.

Remember that your grief is personal. How you process your loss will be as unique as the relationship or situation you’re mourning. Avoid comparing your journey to someone else’s – they just aren’t the same.

#2 – Be mindful of your feelings.

The pain of a break up can pull you into a loop of regret and fear, bouncing between reliving past losses and dreading the unknown future. If you can work to be aware of these feelings, it will can help you step out of those thought patterns and engage fully with what’s happening right now ^[1].

If you are aware of your feelings, you will be less likely to act rashly but instead have a more thoughtful response to your emotions. By doing this, you will build your self confidence which will help you feel stronger and more able to feel the feelings. This shift helps normalize your experience, making it easier to believe in your ability to handle life’s challenges ^[3].

Getting started doesn’t require anything fancy. You might spend 10 minutes each morning focusing on your breath or take a quiet walk, paying attention to the sights and sounds around you. You could also journal and record your emotions and how you acted on them. These simple practices can make a big difference ^[1].

Emotions aren’t enemies – they’re signals meant to be understood. By learning to experience and process them without resistance, you may uncover a resilience you didn’t know you had ^[2]. Over time, this awareness becomes a foundation for rebuilding confidence after a loss.

#3 – Set Small, Achievable Goals

When you’re grappling with loss and your confidence takes a hit, setting small, manageable goals can be a game changer. It’s easy to feel like you can’t accomplish anything meaningful, but these tiny steps can help you rebuild trust in yourself.

By focusing on small, consistent wins, you remind yourself that you’re capable of taking action, even when things feel uncertain ^[6]. Each success – no matter how minor – reinforces your ability to move forward. This creates momentum, encouraging you to set simple, realistic goals that are within reach.

Think of these goals as promises to yourself. When you fulfill them, you’re actively rebuilding the trust and confidence that may feel lost. Simple tasks like cooking a meal, going for a short walk, meditating for two minutes, or finishing a book can make a big difference ^[1]. The beauty lies in their simplicity and your commitment to following through.

“Every goal achieved is a step towards regaining your confidence in your abilities.” – Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT ^[1]

The real key is keeping those small promises to yourself. If you say you’ll take a walk, take the walk. If you commit to calling a friend, make the call. Every completed goal fuels your momentum, making larger challenges feel less daunting ^[5][6]. What once felt impossible starts to seem doable, one small victory at a time.

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4. Take Stock of Setbacks and Reframe Failure

After experiencing loss, it’s easy to feel like every misstep is a sign of weakness. But here’s the reality: setbacks aren’t proof that you’re failing – they’re part of the process of healing. Learning to see these moments can turn them into opportunities for growth instead of reasons to give up. Setbacks often carry important lessons if you’re willing to look for them.

When you’re rebuilding after a break up, setbacks are bound to happen. Maybe grief feels heavier on certain days, or you struggle to meet a small goal you set for yourself. Instead of labeling these moments as failures, think of them as insights into your healing process. They’re not roadblocks – they’re reminders to adjust your approach.

Each time you face a setback, ask yourself: Did I overextend myself? Do I need more support? Shifting your mindset from self-criticism to curiosity can make a huge difference. Instead of thinking, I’m not making any progress, try asking, What can I learn from this?

Reframing failure can be as simple as saying, “This didn’t go as planned, and that’s okay.” This small shift helps cut down on self-judgment and creates room for growth. It’s important to remember: failure doesn’t define your worth – it’s just feedback for what might need tweaking.

Be kind to yourself, especially in moments of struggle. Treat yourself with the same compassion you’d offer someone you care about. Keep the bigger picture in mind. Healing isn’t a straight path – it’s full of ups and downs. But every setback adds to your resilience. There’s wisdom in every stumble that can make you more self-aware and stronger in the long run.

# 5 – Journal, Journal, Journal

Writing down your thoughts and feelings can be one of the most effective ways to rebuild confidence after experiencing loss. Journaling provides a private, judgment-free space to explore your emotions, helping you navigate the complicated feelings that often accompany grief. It’s about putting your truth on paper and allowing your journal to become a tool for processing what you’re going through.

“Journaling can be a powerful tool in rebuilding self-trust after a loss. It provides a safe space for you to express your emotions, explore your thoughts, and reflect on your journey.” – Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT ^[1]

This process not only helps you make sense of your emotions but also strengthens your ability to trust your own decisions.

There are many things that you can do while you journal – its not just all about capturings your “feelings.” You can express your grief by writing a letter to the person you’ve lost or to the relationship that has ended. Say what you wish you could have said, share your feelings about their absence, or simply talk about your day.

Make sure to celebrate your daily wins, no matter how small they may seem. Each day, jot down three things you accomplished – whether it’s getting out of bed, preparing a meal, or having a meaningful conversation. These small victories remind you of your strength and help rebuild trust in your abilities.

Finally, envision your future by writing about where you’d like to be in six months or a year. What changes would you like to see? What small, manageable steps can you take to move toward that vision? This exercise helps restore your confidence in making decisions and shows you that even in difficult times, positive change is possible.

I know that its hard to imagine ever feeling happy again but you WILL be!

Rebuilding self-confidence after experiencing loss is far from a straightforward process. The five strategies we’ve discussed – accepting your grief, practicing mindfulness, setting realistic goals, reframing setbacks, and journaling – serve as stepping stones toward emotional recovery and renewed trust in yourself. Each step takes patience and time.

Remember – your healing is uniquely yours, and it will unfold at its own pace.

If feelings of confusion, persistent anxiety, depression, or isolation begin to interfere with your daily life, consider seeking professional support from a therapist or a life coach. These emotions are common, but they don’t have to be permanent.

As Heather Stang, MA, C-IAYT, explains:

“Counselors and grief support groups can help normalize your feelings and give you skills to cope.” ^[1]

Help comes in various forms – whether through grief counselors, support groups, or tailored coaching programs designed to guide you through loss while rebuilding your confidence.

Remember – You are not alone in this journey. Many have walked this path, navigating heartbreak and rediscovering joy. You will too. All you have to do is take the first step!