11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

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11 Ways Couples Can Take Care of Each Other’s Well-Being and Keep Their Relationship Strong

Relationship are complicated. While the falling-in-love part is easy and fun, maintaining that love can be a challenge. A challenge whose outcome can be wonderful but a challenge nonetheless.

Many people don’t know that taking care of each other’s well being is a key part of that challenge and that doing so effectively can keep a relationship strong. Notably, people are often aware of the importance of taking care of each other and yet can be paralyzed as to what exactly it is that they should do.

To that end, let me share 11 ways that you can take care of your partner’s well being, and they can take care of yours, and keep your relationship strong.

#1 – Learn each other’s love language – and use them.

For those of you who don’t know about love languages, it’s time to learn. There is a reason that I put them first on this list – they are that important.

According to Dr. Gary Chapman, there are five love languages – physical touch, words of affirmation, gift giving, acts of service and quality time. For each person, these love languages are ranked most important to least important. The most important one is the language that makes that person feel loved.

The key to these love languages is that people often give to their partner the thing that makes them feel loved and not the thing that their person needs to feel loved. As a result, no one feels loved and fissures in relationship can be the result.

Take this quiz and learn your partners love language – you will be glad you did!

#2 – Recognize that mistakes they make aren’t necessarily tied to their feelings for you.

Have you heard (or said) this phrase at any time in your relationship – “If you loved me you would…”? Probably yes.

One of the most insidious things in relationships is that people, particularly women, often take things personally; they believe that their person’s actions are tied to whether or not they love them.

I have a client whose husband promised to look at the windows for their new addition on his way home from work. He didn’t.  He got distracted at the end of his day and just forgot. She was furious and took it as a sign that he didn’t love her. Which was NOT true – he just forgot.

So, recognize that, in spite of behavior that might upset you, your person’s actions aren’t necessarily tied to the amount of love they have for you.

#3 – Be interested in their interests, even if you aren’t really interested.

When people first meet, they make a huge effort to get to know the things that their partner is interested in. For me with my husband, it was steam engines, something that had literally never crossed my mind before I met him. I spent a ton of time going to steam engine events, which were interesting but the real reason that I went was to spend time with my guy.

As the years have passed, I don’t go to steam engine shows with my husband. Even though they are important to him, pretending interest in them to me seems like a waste of time – I would rather be doing something that interests me.

But, I know that I should still be interested in them, for HIM. He really appreciates my interest and loves that I share them with him. So, I do it. And it’s great, for both of us.

#4 – Don’t be passive aggressive.

One of the things that can cause the most damage in a relationship is passive aggression.

Chris Getman, writing for The Agency Arsenal, shared signs of passive aggression as defined by experts. A partial list of those signs include giving backhanded compliments, making wistful comments, playing the victim, not letting things go, sulking, and giving the silent treatment.

The thing is, passive aggression will never make a couple stronger, especially if it used as a means to communicate about issues in a relationship. Not only is it a highly ineffective method of communication, it is one that, if used regularly, will slowly erode the health of any relationship.

take care of each other's feelings

#5 – Celebrate their successes, big and small.

Again, when we first get into a relationship, we are happy to celebrate our partner’s accomplishments. After all, we love them dearly and are so happy when they are doing well.

Unfortunately, as relationships go one, people get apathetic. While they might see that their partner is doing something that merits celebration, and they are happy for them, they might fail to celebrate them, even just with words of recognition. As a result, a partner can feel alone in their success, something that doesn’t feel very good.

So celebrate your partners successes, the big ones and the small.

#7 – Remember, no one means to hurt someone else.

It is rare in a relationship that one person sets out to hurt the other person. After all, with a few exceptions (namely passive aggressive people), no one wants to hurt someone else, especially someone they care about.

When your partner hurts you, for reasons big and small, try to remember that what has happened is most likely a mistake, not something that was premeditated to cause you pain. If we get to the point in a relationship that we feel like our person is out to hurt us, it’s hard to feel safe. And this lack of safety is a key factor in the demise of many a relationship.

#8 – Acknowledge that the other person’s feelings are authentic.

Be honest. Does your partner sometimes try to tell you how they are feeling and do you scoff and tell them that they are wrong to feel that way? That if they could just see things from your point of view they would feel differently? Or perhaps that their feelings aren’t authentic and that they are trying to manipulate you?

More often than not, when someone expresses their feelings, they are expressing how they truly feel. They might not be very good at expressing these feelings but they are feelings that they are feeling. In a healthy relationship, their partner will listen to the expression of these feelings and recognize their authenticity. They might not agree with them, but they won’t tell them that they are wrong.

So, next time your partner shares their feelings, tell them that you hear them. Making your partner feel heard is a key to keeping your relationship happy!

#9 – Don’t take each other for granted.

This is a big one that happens in relationships – that we start to take each other for granted.

I know that, when I was married and my ex and I were having struggles, I always just took it for granted that we would have time “later” to figure things out; that he would always be there. And I was wrong. Because I took him for granted, when “later” came, it was too late.

Be honest with yourself. Do you take your partner for granted? Do you take the things that they do for you for granted? Do you give them the attention that they need and deserve for their presence in your life? If not, give them that attention. Let them know how much you appreciate them.

#10 – Give them space to flourish.

In many relationships, couples become so entwined in each other’s lives that each of them slowly loses a sense of themselves, of who they were before they became a couple. And, because of this, they stop flourishing individually, something that is one of the keys to individual happiness.

It is important that each partner give the other person the opportunity to pursue their own interests, to do the things that they love to do, the things that give them joy.

Many people believe that a happy couple is one who spends all of their time together. I have a friend who I hadn’t seen for years whose husband always posts happy pictures of them on Facebook, so I assumed she was happy. When I saw her recently I learned the truth – she was miserable. She still loved her husband but being with him every minute of every day was just too hard for her.

So, give each other some space. After all, absence makes the heart grow fonder!

#11 – Don’t forget the importance of physical touch.

According to the health and wellness experts at Carl Todd Clinics, physical touch is a key to a happy life. When someone is not getting touched, they are experiencing something that they call “physical touch starvation.” When this occurs, people can become depressed, anxious and lonely. Obviously, in a relationship, this kind of starvation is not good.

Physical touch produces “feel good” chemicals in our body, like oxytocin and dopamine, ones that can help reduce loneliness and improve mental health.

It’s important to remember that physical touch is not just about sex. It can be hugs or holding hands or patting someone on the butt. All of these things create good feelings, ones that can only make a relationship better.

So there you go – 11 ways couples can take care of each other’s well being and keep their relationship strong.

Good for you for reading this far. I know that you want to make sure that your relationship is strong and healthy and that it will last a lifetime.

So, go for it! You can do it!

Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

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Surviving Toxic Relationships: What They Teach Us and How to Move On

The beginning of every relationship is a magical time, full of hopes and dreams for the future and relief that we have finally found our person. When a relationship turns toxic, those dreams are dashed and life becomes miserable. Even worse, sometimes we don’t leave a toxic relationship, hoping it will improve, causing us more damage and disillusionment.

If you have finally escaped from a toxic relationship, know that there is a bright side to your toxic experience – that you can learn what you DON’T want in a relationship and that life can and will go on.

I know that this doesn’t seem possible right now but it is!

Let me share with you the things that you can learn from a toxic relationship, things that can help you find the love you seek!

#1- That you will never again ignore relationship red flags.

According to Dr. Lawrence Josephs, women are pros at ignoring symptoms of toxic relationships because they are, first and foremost, fixers. They believe that anything that is wrong in their relationship can be fixed with a little bit of love, acceptance and time. As a result, they stay in a relationship truly believing that if they do, things will change.

It is important that, as you move onto a new relationship, you commit to yourself that you will never try to fix your person. If you see red flags in someone else’s behavior, hit the road immediately. After all, no amount of love or patience can fix someone else’s behavior. They need to want to change in order to do so.

#2 – That you are not your attachment style.

Many women truly don’t believe that they aren’t worthy of a healthy love. The reasons that they feel that way are often the result of an unhealthy attachment style.

According to Dr Amy Marschall, many women who don’t believe that they are worthy of love don’t because of attachment issues. Most often, these attachment issues are the result of an unhealthy parent/child dynamic. They can also be the result of past traumatic relationships.

It is important that, as you move out of this relationship, you recognize that you are worthy of love. Yes, you might have an attachment style that makes this difficult but understanding your attachment style and working to build a healthy relationship in spite of it will help you move on.

#3 – That you will never let someone else have power over you.

For every relationship, it is important that the power dynamic is mostly equal. That each person has a say in what happens in the relationship and that each person is comfortable with decisions that are made. Unfortunately, when people are caught up in toxic relationships, they don’t see that their partner might have an unhealthy power over them.

It is important that, as you move forward, you pay attention to the power dynamic in your relationship. Never let another person have a power over you that is destructive. And don’t tell yourself that you aren’t powerful.  You have made it this far in your life – much of it under your own power!

#4 – That great sex does not mean a healthy relationship.

So many of my clients who are trying to escape from a toxic relationship say that one of the reasons that they stay, one of the reasons that they still believe there is love in the relationship, is because of how great the sex is. After all, how can a relationship be a toxic one when they are still so physically connected to their partner.

According to Psychology Today, people who are in toxic relationships have an unhealthy attachment to sex. They love the thrill of make up sex. They use sex as a replacement for love. They use sex as a way to tie themselves to another person. Sex can indicate security when comes from a place of love but in a toxic relationship it is just a mask for the symptoms.

Going forward, recognize that great sex is not a substitute for love.

#5 –  That you will never again make excuses about someone else’s behavior.

Do you make excuses for your partner’s behavior? Do you say that he is impatient because he has been working so hard? Do you say that his anger towards you is your fault? Do you say that he is a good person, even as he is abusive?

People who feel the need to repeatedly excuse their partner’s behaviors are often in a toxic relationship and are ignoring the red flags. It is important that, going forward, you notice red flags and do not excuse them away.

surviving a toxic relationsihp

#6 – That you must love yourself fully and not look elsewhere to fill that need.

It’s almost an epidemic in our country – women who just don’t love themselves and who look to others to “complete them.” Society, and social media especially, has set us women up to fail with its high expectations that are impossible to reach, impossible standards of beauty and success that pervade our every day lives.

It is imperative that you take some time to learn to love yourself; to accept yourself as the amazing woman that you are, even if the person you see in the mirror looks nothing like the filtered influencers you see online. Because, if you can love yourself, you won’t need another person to “complete you” and won’t stay in a toxic relationship hoping for it to happen.

#7 – That things will never go back to the way they were in the beginning.

This is probably the number one thing that I hear from clients who are struggling to escape from a toxic relationship – that, if they just love their partner enough, things will go back to the way that they were in the beginning – when their partner was lovely and kind and they had hopes for the future.

Unfortunately, even in healthy relationships, things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. The dopamine that our bodies produce when we are falling is love is different from the dopamine released in a healthy, committed relationship. It produces a calmer, more settled feeling, one that is not as intense as the initial craziness.  In a toxic relationship, that dopamine might be gone forever.

Accept that, even if your relationship becomes a healthy one, it will never go back to the way it was in the beginning and don’t set it as a standard that you are looking for in a happy relationship.

So, how can you recover from a toxic relationship, move on and find the love that you want?

According to the Baylor College of Medicine, there are 7 steps that one must take in order to fully recover from a toxic relationship.

#1- Accept that the relationship was toxic.

Acceptance is the key to making any sort of change. If you can accept that your relationship was toxic, you are taking the first huge step towards healing.

#2 – Make the decision to heal.

Many people tell me they are ready to heal but they are still holding on to what could be. If you can fully embrace healing you are on the road to mending.

#3 – Feel your feelings.

We Americans love to hold in our feelings. To “be strong.” Unfortunately, doing so just isn’t healthy. Feel your feelings – cry, scream, whatever you have to do. Get them out of your body so that you can get healthy again.

#4 – Get help from a professional.

Getting help from someone who has experience helping people get past toxic relationships is key to the healing process. So reach out to a therapist or a life coach (like me!) to get help, now.

#5 – Take care or yourself.

I know that you just want to eat ice cream on the couch but now is not the time. Of course, you can eat some ice cream, but get up off the coach and take a walk or go for a swim as well. Keep your body strong.

#6 – Set goals.

This is the time to set goals for yourself. Whether its to get healthy and strong or to spend more time with your friends or to take a cruise around the world, now is the time to look ahead at a future that is full of things that make you happy.

#7 – Find a support group.

There is nothing better than being surrounded by a group of people who are going through the same thing that you are and, maybe even have come out the other side. Find a group of people either online or in person. There are many women going through the same thing that you are right now.

If you have read this far I know that you are looking to survive your toxic relationship.

Good for you. Knowing that you can learn lessons from your toxic relationship so that you can move forward in a healthy way is a key to that survival.

Keep up the good work. You can do it!

7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

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7 Reasons Why Women Can’t Block Their Ex, According to Psychology

I always tell people that the best way to get over an ex is to go “no contact” – specifically to block them on their phone so that they can’t get in touch. After all, if you aren’t in contact with your ex, the toxic cycle that has led to the break up will be stopped in its tracks, the pain will fade and life will go on.

Interestingly, when I suggest this to men, they see it’s value and have no hesitation to block their ex. Unfortunately, almost without exception, when I suggest that a woman block her ex I am immediately met with push back, most specifically with the phrase “that seems awfully harsh.”

After talking to a client who has repeatedly refused to block a series of exes, no matter how toxic they are, I decided to dig into what experts say about why women make choices that self-sabotage, namely not blocking their ex. I thought that understanding it might help me help women overcome their hesitation and do the very thing that will allow them to move on and find the love they seek.

#1 – Our brains will choose pleasure over pain every time.

According to Mandy Napier, Master Practitioner of Neurological Repatterning and Behavioral Change, human beings are fundamentally drawn towards pleasure and away from pain. The reason for this is because of two parts of the brain that have an uneasy co-existence.

Every brain has two sides – the conscious (logic and intellect) and the unconscious (emotions and memories). The subconscious mind is significantly more powerful than the conscious mind. As a result, much of our decision making is done with our emotions and based on that which gives us pleasure, conveniently ignoring the conscious brain that knows better. As a result, we make illogical choices that might not be in our best interest in the long term. Even worse, when confronted with change, the subconscious mind releases a chemical which fuels doubt and fear which, in turn, leads us to create stories that justify our inability to make change.

When faced with the idea of blocking someone, a woman’s conscious mind might know what she should do but the unconscious mind fuels sadness and fear, something that keeps her from doing what she intellectually knows is best for her.

#2 – We struggle with feelings of self-worth.

According to therapist Dr. Pat Allen, “The only way you know you love yourself…is by the commitments you are willing to make and keep.” Unfortunately, our unconscious brain, which stores our memories, is full of memories of broken commitments and bad decisions, memories that can lead us to have low-self esteem.

It is just this feeling of being a failure that keeps us from doing something good for ourselves. After all, we have made so many bad choices in the past, choices that have brought us to this place, why should we trust ourselves to do the right thing for us now?

And so we default to the thing the gives us pleasure in the moment – being on the other side of the phone should our ex decide to contact us, even if we know, deep down, that we are only sabotaging our sense of self-worth by doing so.

#3 – We always put the needs of others first.

Therapist Rosjke Hasseldine writes about “The Culture of Female Service.” This school of thought speaks to the cultural beliefs that women are the nurturing gender and that it is a woman’s role to nurture their family and relationships. This school of thought is one that is continually reinforced with the generational pattern of women to put everyone else’s needs above their own. I am sure that you know exactly what I am talking about.

Particularly when it comes to relationships, women tend to put their needs second, prioritizing the feelings of their partner. Even in a break up, women tend to prioritize their partner’s needs. One of my clients wouldn’t block her ex because “he was in pain,” in spite of the fact that every time she heard from him it was like a dagger to her heart.

women can't block their ex

#4 – Overcoming ambivalence is hard to do.

If there is one thing that it is innately human, its the struggle to make a decision. And this ambivalence, according to Dr. Allan Zuckoff, is exactly the thing that makes it difficult to take action in one way or another. When faced with making a decision we, both consciously and unconsciously, weigh the costs vs the benefits – to get what we want, what must we sacrifice to do so.

When it comes to deciding whether or not to block an ex, women struggle with this cost/benefit equation. While the benefits might be significant – letting go of a toxic relationship, no longer being re-injured, an end to the pain – the cost are significant too – shutting the door of the relationship, the fear of intense pain, the letting go of things ending differently. The trade off, unfortunately, isn’t crystal clear. Furthermore, because many women struggle with low self-esteem, especially at the end of a relationship, getting clarity about what they should do is almost impossible.

And so, unable to equalize the costs/benefit equation, women maintain the status quo and don’t block their ex.

#5 – We are addicted to the text alert.

I always say that letting go of a relationship, especially one that is toxic or involves a married man, is much like letting go of an addiction. And one’s cell phone plays a significant role in fueling those addictive behaviors, making them harder to let go of.

According to anthropologist Dr. Helen Fischer, the brain chemistry of someone in love is similar to the brain chemistry of someone who has taken drugs or eaten chocolate or had a drink. All these things trigger chemicals like endorphins, oxytocin and vasopressin, all feel good chemicals that influence romantic bonds. When a relationship ends, the production of these chemicals ceases, leaving many people, especially women, craving more.

One way that those feel good chemicals are produced is when a text alert from an ex comes across one’s phone. Those feel good chemicals surge again, making someone feel high. Unfortunately, those chemicals only last so long and that woman is soon left feeling depleted. If a woman blocks her ex, she knows that she is forever letting go of that wonderful feeling that she gets when she receives a text, the idea of which leads to desperation and despair.

#6 – Repeated self-sabotaging negative thoughts derail us.

I know that my clients all know that blocking their exes is the right thing to do, that it will ultimately help them move on. Unfortunately, those same clients tend to get bogged down with persistent negative thoughts about themselves and their lives, ones that are ultimately self-sabotaging.

According to Dr. Judy Ho, every person has thousands of thoughts a day, some of them positive and, unfortunately, many of them negative. While one might think that these negative thoughts are just thoughts, because they are so often repeated, they soon become habits and therefore driving forces in the decisions that we make, many of which are self-sabotaging.

When it comes to blocking an ex, these self-sabotaging thoughts rear their ugly head. Sometimes women catastrophize – going directly to the worse case scenario if they block them, perhaps that they will be alone forever. They might hesitate to block their ex because because they don’t him to be in pain. And, most often, their self-sabotaging thoughts tell them that they just can’t do it.

And so they don’t.

#7 – Our happiness depends on the happiness of others.

I stumbled upon a term recently, “happiness by proxy,” a term which means our own happiness depends on the happiness of others. If there is anything that describes a woman, it is this term.

Because women have the innate need to care for others, when others are unhappy, they are too. When told that the best way to end a toxic relationship and move on is by blocking the person who hurt them, paradoxically, women worry about how their ex will FEEL if they do that. Will they be confused? Sad? Angry? Or, even worse, happy?

As a result, women don’t want to block their ex because they won’t know how their ex will feel and worry about not being able to help them and therefore feel miserable themselves. Of course, if a woman doesn’t block her ex, her ex might be happier that he can reach her but only at her expense.

Not being able to block an ex is the number one reason why women are not able to get out of a toxic relationship.

By staying attached to their ex, even if just electronically, they will never be able to let go.

Perhaps if a woman is aware of why she just can’t block her ex, that it could be because of a negative thought patterns or low self-esteem or a form of addiction, perhaps she can recognize that she doesn’t stay because of some love for him but perhaps something else that she struggles with.

Blocking her ex and letting him go just could be the first step in overcoming these struggles which could, in turn, give her happy ending.

9 Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

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9  Complex Reasons Why Breaking Up is Never Easy

Are you in the heartbreaking position of knowing that you need to break up with someone because they aren’t the right person for you? Do you know that you need to do it but are finding it impossible to do so?

I totally get it – I have been there. Everyone has been there. After all, for so many reasons, breaking up is hard to do!

But why is breaking up so hard? After all, you know that they aren’t the person for you and yet you can’t let them go. The reasons are complex. Understanding those reasons might help you step up and do what has to be done, namely letting someone who isn’t the right person for you go, for both of your sakes.

To that end, here are 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

#1 – Because of how wonderful things were in the beginning.

Were things with you and your partner wonderful in the beginning? Do you hold on to the memories of your initial meeting, when you talked into the night? Do remember the passionate sex? Do you think about the magic and the romance, the dreams about the future, the satisfaction that you knew that you had finally found your person?

All of those things are hard to let go of.

For many of my clients, one of the reasons that they find that they can’t break up with their partner is because of how wonderful it was in the beginning. They believe that if they just hold on long enough, they will find that spark again and it will carry them forward.

Unfortunately, in any relationship, it’s impossible to go back to the beginning. Even in healthy relationships, the spark of an early relationship will never return. For a healthy relationship, that spark will settle down to contentment and happiness. For an unhealthy one, that spark will be extinguished forever, never to return.

So, if you find that you are having a hard time breaking up with your person, know that trying to get back to the beginning will only cause frustration.

#2 – Because you truly believe that your love can change them.

Are you one of those people who likes to take care of other people? Is this especially true when you are in a relationship? Do you believe that if you only love your person enough, you can change them and therefore change your relationship?

This happens all the time. I remember in one relationship my boyfriend was really struggling to be successful in the world. Because of this, his insecurity was making our relationship untenable. I truly believed that if I only loved him enough, if I supported him enough, I could fix our relationship by making him feel better about himself.

That boyfriend is now an ex.

If you are not breaking up with your person, even though you know you should, because you believe that with effort you can fix everything, just know you can’t. All the love in the world won’t change another person’s behavior unless they want to change. And if you’re one of those people who believes that they are not a quitter, and therefore won’t leave a relationship, know that you’re being willing to quit will only lead to more unhappiness because you can’t be the only person in a relationship who is fighting for it!

#3 – Because you don’t want to cause anyone pain.

Nobody wants to cause anyone pain. Nobody. After all, why would we want to inflict pain on someone who we once loved and probably do still care about?

And I get this. But I always ask people if their person is in pain right now. Is their person unhappy because the relationship is struggling? Perhaps they are anxious and preoccupied with what is happening. Perhaps they are feeling hopeless about the future because of the relationship. Would you really be causing them more pain by ending the relationship?

One thing that I see over and over in relationships is that someone doesn’t break up with someone but instead slowly pulls away, giving their person less and less until they are truly just breadcrumbing them. Because of their fear of hurting their person, they hope that if they give their person less, their person will break up with them, making it so that they aren’t the cause of any pain.

The truth of this course of action, unfortunately, is only more pain. Instead of having the intense pain of a Band-Aid ripped off by a break up, with the breadcrumbing, it is being taken off slowly, which makes the pain worse.

So if you’re afraid of causing your person pain, know that, while it might hurt in the moment, ultimately, you are ending both of your pain.

#4 – Because your friends and family like them.

I have one client who really didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because of how attached he was to their family. He was distant from his family and his girlfriend’s family had truly embraced him. He had been part of every family event for the past two years. He had helped them build their house. He had gone golfing with her father. He looked at her family as his family.

And, he didn’t want to break up with his girlfriend because he didn’t want to let his family down or to lose them. And so he stayed. Unfortunately, because the relationship was an unhealthy one, the family encouraged their daughter to let him go and move on. And, because he drew it all out and caused their daughter pain, the separation from the family was not healthy one and he had to let it go completely.

Are you staying with your partner because your friends tell you that he’s wonderful? Or that your mom is so excited that you finally found the one? If you hold on to what they say, you’re only going extend your misery. After all neither your family nor your friends are in your relationship and understand just what are the dynamics.

#5 – Because you are afraid that you will never love or be loved again.

I would say that, for everyone, they hesitate to break up because they are worried that they will never love or be loved again. They feel like they have a bird in hand, someone who they could build a life with, even if the love isn’t what they had hoped it would be. So they stay, trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. And they are miserable.

Know that the only way that you will never love or be loved again is if you stay in this relationship. Fitting a square peg into a round hole only leads to dissatisfaction. If you can let go of this relationship and put yourself out there for a new one, you are way more likely to find one where you can receive the love that you want. And letting go of someone who you can’t love completely is the best gift that you can give them because it will give them the opportunity to find true love as well.

#6 – Because you are trauma bonded to them.

Many people who stay in relationships that aren’t working do so because they are trauma bonded to their person, that they stay with their person not because of love but of some kind of shared trauma that keeps them together.

Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening. Signs of trauma bonding are a need for constant verbal affirmation, a partner manipulating you into doing what they want, an uneven power dynamic, and history constantly repeating itself.

Often times, people who are in relationships that display these signs, become bonded to their partner not because of love but because of toxicity, something that can be very hard to recognize.

So, ask yourself what has happened in your relationship to see if perhaps your bond is not a healthy one.

#7 – Because you are reliant on them for support.

One of the reasons why breaking up is never easy is because, often times, when we have been in a long-term relationship, we can become reliant on our partner. That we need them to support us in order to live our lives.

What that kind of support looks like can be varied. Sometimes it’s financial support, with your partner helping you pay your rent or your tuition. Sometimes it’s emotional; you find that you need your partner to help you get through difficult times. Sometimes it’s just that you enjoy having someone around the house to help you with the chores and the kids.

Whatever kind of support that you get from your partner, know that you will figure things out if you break up with them. After all, you had many years without them, years that you managed just fine, and you will do the same when your break up is complete.

#8 – Because you don’t want to start dating again.

I get it! Dating sucks! Nobody wants to do it if they don’t have to.

But that’s no reason to stay with someone.

If you are staying with someone because you don’t want to date again, you’re doing both of you a disservice. Yes, dating can be a horrible thing, but it is a thing that leads you to find the person who you’re meant to be with. Having to get back on the horse might be daunting, but it isn’t the end of the world. You can date. You have done so before. And you can do so again.

Yes, the prospect might feel yucky, but you can’t do it!

breaking up is never easy#9 – Because hope never dies.

One of the most interesting things about human beings is that, inherently, hope never dies.

I often wonder about people who are in plane crashes and, if until the moment the plane crashes, do they have hope that they will survive. I am guessing they do. The human heart and brain wants to believe that it will all work out in the end.

Are you hoping that if you just hold onto this relationship, you can make it work? Are you hoping that if you are a better person, or can give your partner more, or if they can change, that you can live happily ever after? If yes, know that what you are believing could just be hope and not based in any sort of reality.

Heartbreaking I know, but true.

So there you go, 9 complex reasons why breaking up is never easy.

I know that you don’t want to do this. I know that the prospect of being alone, of hurting someone, of having to start dating all over again, is making you hesitate to let go of your person.

But, hopefully, having an understanding that why you might be having a hard time breaking up with someone is not because you truly love them, but because of reasons that are way more complex.

I know you can do this. I know you can break up with this person, to free you both up to find love and happiness. Go for it!

Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

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Can’t Leave Your Married Man? Its All About a Trauma Bond.

According to the Attachment Project, trauma bonding is a sort of bond that develops when someone has an unhealthy attachment to someone else. Trauma bonding is something that happens over time and can be difficult for the person who has the unhealthy attachment to see and understand that it is happening.

In the work that I have done with my clients over the past 10 years, I have seen this over and over. Women who are otherwise very strong and successful, trying, and failing, repeatedly, to let go of their married man. When I suggest that, perhaps, they might have an unhealthy bond that is keeping them with their married man, they push back very hard. They tell me that their married man is their soulmate, that they’ve never felt love like this before, and that they cannot imagine a life without them. There is not way that their relationship is unhealthy and has led to a trauma bond.

Because of how often I see this, I have decided that it’s a time to dig into what trauma bonding is to help women understand why they stay with their married men. I want them to see that a trauma bond is abuse – that they are being abused by the person they love, even if they don’t see it that way. Perhaps by learning more about what a trauma bond is, a woman can see the truth of why she stays.

To that end, here are 9 signs of a trauma bond so that you can understand the truth behind your relationship with your married man.

#1 – You need constant verbal affirmations.

When you were first with your married man, did he totally love bomb you? Did he tell you how beautiful and sexy you were and how he had never loved like this before? Did he make you feel special in a way that you had never felt before, something that you don’t want to let go of?

And, while he does still do this, do you find that you need more and more of it. Instead of settling into feeling loved, do you need him to constantly reassure you that he loves you?

I have a client who is trying to break up with her married man and she goes days or weeks without talking to him and then he reaches out and wants to make small talk. She doesn’t want small talk. She wants him to tell her how much he loves her and how he can’t live without her and that their time apart made her miserable. She needs to hear from him how much he cares about her because if she doesn’t, she won’t feel loved.

So, think about how you feel when you don’t get the words of love from your married man that you need. Do you feel empty? Do you feel hopeless? Do you feel like he will never choose you? Do you feel like if you don’t hear those words soon you will fall apart?

If any of these things are true, you are definitely trauma bonded to your married man.

#2 – You depend on him for your happiness.

Do you find that when you aren’t with your man you just can’t be happy? Do you find that more minutes than not of your day are spent thinking about him, missing him, wondering if he’s thinking about you, wondering if he’ll ever leave his wife? When you’re out with your friends, are you distracted with thoughts of him, hoping that he’ll reach out?

Much like needing constant, verbal affirmations, someone who is trauma bonded believes that they can never be happy unless they are with their married man. They need to be with him, hearing his words of love, getting physical touch, having sex, getting their dopamine hit, being told that they are a priority and that they will live happily ever after.

I am guessing that before you were involved with your married man, you were a happy person in the world. You were independent and had friends and had fun and didn’t spend all of your time focused on someone who wasn’t there. Even if you have been unhappy relationships before, you were still able to be happy.

Women who are trauma bonded are rarely happy when they’re not with their married man. That is why they have such a hard time letting them go.

#3 – He manipulates you into to getting what he wants.

When one of my clients tries to let go of her married man, I always encourage her to block him. Why? Because he has the power, because of their trauma bond, to manipulate her into coming back.

Many of my clients’ married men, when told by their affair partner that she needs to let him go, willingly allow them to do so. They say that they want them to be happy and that they know that they can’t do so, because of their marital status. And they do leave my clients alone, but not for long.

Sooner than later, they reach out to see how my client is or because they need advice or because they miss them or because they need closure or because they want to tell them that they have talked to a lawyer. And, while my clients might push back for a bit, they always give. After all, their man is hurting and they need to be there for them. (Even though their man’s pain is completely self imposed)

You see, a married man without his lover is lost. He knows that, if he lets her go, she can go on to have a happy life – to find someone who can love her completely. He, on the other hand, is left in an unhappy marriage with no one to tell him how wonderful he is, to support him and to have sex with him. And he knows that his affair partner is vulnerable to his manipulations – that she has tried and failed to leave him, that she will stay no matter the pain that he has inflicted upon her. So, he reaches out and sucks her back in.

And this manipulation is the key part of a trauma bond – one person manipulating the other to do things that they don’t want to do.

#4 – The same things happens over and over.

If you are reading this article, it is very likely that you are in a relationship with a married man that you know is unhealthy and that you are trying to let go of. So, let me ask you – is one of the reasons that you know that you have to let go because the same things keep happening over and over and over?

Does he make you promises that he will take action and then doesn’t? Does he promise you that he will show up and then not do so? Does he tell you that you are a priority and then choose to go to his son’s soccer game instead of showing up for your birthday?

Do these things happen over and over?

One sign of a trauma bond is the repeated cycle of abuse – that someone has the same experience over and over and they let it happen. They let their person get away with doing things that hurt them, in the name of soul mates and love and hopes for the future.

#5 – He has more power in the relationship then you do.

Take a moment and reflect on your relationship with your married man – does he have more power in the relationship than you do? Did you think that, because he tells you he loves you and makes you a priority that you have power over him? Does thinking about it point out that, in fact, he is the one who is in control?

People who are trauma bonded are in relationships, particularly affairs, that have a skewed power dynamic. After all, the married man is the one who has all of the power in the relationship. He is the one who can determine what happens every step of the way.  He is the one who can choose to walk away from his marriage and his family or stay. He is the one who can make and break promises, knowing that there were will be no permanent repercussions. He knows that if he chooses to stay with his family, his girlfriend will most likely hang around too.

Does your married man have a power over you that you let happen? Does he make promises and let you down and hurt you without a thought? Do you let him do it? If yes, you are definitely trauma bonded to this man and letting him go will be very difficult.

#6 – You don’t recognize yourself anymore.

One sign of a trauma bond is when the abused person has lost sight of who they are. Who no longer sees herself in the mirror and feels good about herself. Who needs her married man to define who she is.

I know that when I was having an affair, I completely lost myself. I was a shell of the person who I was before the affair started. Then I was a single women in NYC, building my business and living a good life. Then I met him and things got better, temporarily. Over time, I became more and more obsessed with him leaving his wife, to the point that it was all that I could think about. It ruined my life, in more ways than one.

Once I found the power to let him go, I got my life back. I built a successful business, spent time with friends who I had abandoned and finally found the love that I was looking for. I loved the woman I saw in the mirror and wonder who that woman was who was having an affair.

#7 – You are emotionally exhausted.

Be honest with yourself – are you exhausted? Do you find that you can’t sleep and eat? Have you abandoned the very things that used to keep you emotionally fulfilled? Do you feel weak in the face of the pressure that you are putting on him and the ways that you let him manipulate you into staying, over and over?

A key part of a trauma bond is this emotional exhaustion – that the relationship, instead of lifting you up, sucks you down.  You have moments of happiness when you hear from him or are with him but most of the time you are sad and angry and frustrated. You are exhausted from going through this every day, wondering when things are going to change.

Let me tell you – until you walk away you are going to be exhausted – it might even make you sick. What it will definitely do is erode your self-esteem and your strength and make walking away even more difficult.

#8 – You are (unwittingly) addicted to the drama.

For many women who are having an affair with a married man, they are – unwittingly – addicted to the drama of it all.

While they are in pain when they try to walk away, when their man reaches out again, things are wonderful. And they are wonderful because of the drama – the dramatic breaking up ceremony (which sucks) and the dramatic reunion (which is what they longed for).

Why? Because their married man gives them the verbal affirmations that they crave.  He makes her promises that she knows that he will fulfill this time. They have amazing make up sex. For a few days, everything is wonderful and the hope is back, until its not.

And then the whole dramatic process starts over again, leading to pain and suffering and then words of love and empty promises.

A woman sitting on the ground with her head down.

#9 – You refuse to accept the truth.

The truth of your relationship with your married man is that he will never leave his wife. No matter what he says – that he is talking to a lawyer, that he is taking baby steps, that you will have the life you want – he just won’t. Why? Because leaving his wife means leaving his children, destroying his finances and wrecking his social life.

And you, in spite of knowing deep down that what I am saying is true, stay.  You want so much for him to leave his wife that you are willing to live with self-delusion, believing that it will someday happen. So you stay, willingly blind to the truth and miserable.

So there you go – 9 signs of a trauma bond that makes it impossible for you to let go of your married man.

I know that you believe that this man is the love of your life, that you will never be happy without him, that you will never find love again. I am afraid that what this shows that you are trauma bonded – you have been manipulated into staying with a man who will never leave his wife. You have lost who you are, are becoming increasingly sick and exhausted and you refuse to accept any truth.

I hope that this blog has helped you see the truth about your relationship, a truth that might help you successfully walk away and find the life and the love that you want.

You can do it!

9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

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9 Reasons Why Blocking Your Ex Will Save Your Sanity

I would say that, without exception, when I tell one of my clients that she must block her ex if she truly wants the break up to stick, she tells me that she can’t because its “harsh.” That is the word I hear over and over and over. Harsh. Is that a word that rings true with you?

And I get it. We women don’t like to hurt anyone, especially someone we once loved or perhaps still love. BUT, there is a reason why we find ourselves in a place where we should block someone – because they have hurt us over and over.

That being said, while my clients say that they don’t want to be harsh, I know that they also don’t want to block their ex; they want to leave the door cracked open for getting back together. This is especially true for women who are dating married men – they don’t really want to break up with them but do try so, hoping it will change the outcome.

So, whether you don’t want to block someone because you don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to block them because you are holding out hope for a different ending, it is important to know that blocking your ex will save your sanity. While it might seem painful now, it will prevent a lot more pain down the road.

So, why will blocking your ex save your sanity? Let me share.

#1 – You won’t get your fix and then have it taken away. Over and Over.

I have a client who is trying to let go of her ex. She really wants to do it but she tells me that she just can’t block him now. I told her that I would support her but that the only way that she will truly be able to let go of him is if she blocks him.

A few weeks back, she told her guy that she had to let him go. He pushed back big time but she told him that it was over. While he did give her a few days peace, which were incredibly painful for her, he did ultimately reach out.

She was thrilled, of course, because she missed him, and they talked for a few hours, about her decision and his life. When it was over, she fell apart. She had gotten a taste of him and he was gone again.

This happened over and over for the next week, with him reaching out, begging for her back. She was alternately elated and completely destroyed. Finally, he wore her down, they met and are now back together.

She told me that she had to do it to save her sanity. That he was making her crazy and she needed the pain to stop. She is now back on the hamster wheel, knowing that she should get off but that she can’t. If she had blocked him, none of this would have happened and she would have been a few weeks into her path of healing.

#2 – He won’t have an opportunity to wiggle his way back in.

It is truly amazing to me what married men do when their lover tries to break up with them. They initially agree that it is the best thing as he knows that they is hurting her over and over and over. But, it doesn’t last long.

You see, a married man wants to have his cake and eat it too. He wants to stay married for all the reasons and he wants his affair partner to make his life a better place. So, while his intentions might be to let her go, he simply isn’t capable of doing so. He knows that if he lets her go, he will be stuck in an unhappy marriage for the rest of his life while she moves forward and perhaps finds love.

So, because he has not been blocked, every time he reaches out he has an opportunity to get her back. And, more often than not, because his lover is in pain, he succeeds in doing so. He wouldn’t be able to do this if could no longer reach her.

#3 – You won’t need to be strong – your phone will do it for you.

Technology can be our worst enemy and our best friend.

Chances are that a significant amount of your relationship has been spent on the phone, talking for hours and texting constantly. And it was wonderful, falling in love, both in person and on the phone. And, probably, as the relationship fell apart, that phone was used for emotional conversations that got you nowhere.

Now its time to use that phone for good. If you can block your guy, you won’t have to worry about being strong.  You won’t have to worry about being weak and taking him back. If he can’t reach you, you won’t get back together. If you don’t hear his voice, you won’t get back together. If you have no contact, your pain will lessen and your life will go on.

#4 – He won’t be able to wound you with his words.

Be honest – doesn’t your guy, particularly if he is a married one, more often than not, make you feel sad with his words.

Does he declare that he loves you, that you are his soul mate, that he has never had a love like he has with you and then, in the same breath, say that he will never leave his wife and his family?

Does this leave you devastated every time? Do you try to reason with him over and over, trying to get a different outcome?

Or, if you do manage to try to break up with him, does he repeatedly reach out, making empty promises or making you feel guilty?

Imagine if you didn’t have to be on the receiving end of any of this! That’s what you would get if you block him!

#5 – You won’t have to say good bye over and over.

I was watching the Handmaids Tale recently and there is a scene where two of the main characters, who are married to other people but in love with each other, say goodbye for the 100th time. The woman stops him, saying that these repeated goodbyes are nothing but painful and that they should just “see ya.”

This is what happens if you block someone. You just say goodbye once.

I have a client who, a few weeks after she had told her guy that she was done, and a few weeks into his constant entreaties to take her back, decided that she needed to meet him, to get closure. (Which, as my regular readers know, is a myth. Its just one more reason to be in someone’s presence, hoping it will turn out differently this time) Anyway, what happened when she went to see her married guy to say goodbye one more time? They had a lovely time together, got intimate and, while they aren’t back together, the situation is complicated, in limbo and painful.

So, if you block your guy, you can say good bye that one last time and then not have to go through the painful goodbyes over and over, always suffering as you do so!

#6 – He won’t be able to make you feel guilty.

This is something that I recently realized was a thing – especially with married man – that a guy would make his lover feel guilty for leaving him.

One of my clients told me that she knows, because they still talk, that he is hurting and that she can’t cut him off completely because she wants to be there for him. She also feels guilty, thinking that she is causing him this pain. Therefore, she doesn’t block him.

But, the reason that he is hurting is OF HIS OWN MAKING. He doesn’t have to be hurting. He could make the choice to choose her but he won’t. As a result, he might be losing her, which is causing him pain. Its not on her – its on him!

So, while you are in intense pain yourself, because of his actions, you want to ease his, as you always do.

#7 – You will rebuild your self-esteem.

One thing that happens when women repeatedly try, and fail, to break up with their guy, is that they start to lose faith in themselves and it damages their self-esteem.

Letting themselves down over and over only erodes someones sense of self and how they see themselves in the world. They know that their ex isn’t the right person for them but they can’t let go, hoping that things can be different. And when they aren’t, and they have to go through toxicity again, it makes them feel back about themselves. They know that they will never be happy and its of their own making.

That being said, if they can manage to block their person, and keep them blocked, they know that they are strong and that they can do this. Instead of feeling badly about themselves after they take their man back, again, they will know that they had the strength to do something really hard. And that will feel really good!

#8 – He will see that you really mean it this time.

For many of my clients, they have broken up with their married man over and over. The man pushes back a bit but knows exactly how to get them back – with tears, guilt, begging, promises etc.

If you can manage to block him, your married man, and an ex, will see that you are serious. That he won’t be able to do the things that he has done to get you back. That, this time, you might actually walk away.

And yes, while that might cause him pain, it is exactly what he needs. He needs to know that you respect yourself too much to continue down this path. He needs to know that you won’t take his empty promises again. He needs to know that he hurts you ever single day and therefore you are walking away.

Blocking your guys sense him a message, that it is over and this is how you finally succeed in letting him go.

#9 – You will finally be able to move on and have a new life.

So many of my clients get back together because of the pain that they are feeling when they are away from their guy. And I get that. But, I remind them, they are in pain when they are with him too. And that pain is pain that will never go away. Break up pain will fade but if you are being hurt regularly, you will just continue to suffer.

If you can block your guy, you will finally truly be able to move on and have a new life. I know that it seems impossible now that you could live without your guy and that you will ever be happy again. BUT YOU WILL AND CAN.

And, if you block him you will have the best chance to get that life. A life full of friends and success at work and self confidence and, maybe, even love.

You won’t get those things if you stay with him. And if you block him you will finally get away!

So there you go, 9 reasons why blocking your ex will save your sanity.

Sanity. This is really what breaking up with someone who is not the right guy for you is all about. The lies and the deceit and the disrespect can all slowly drive someone insane. And the breaking up and getting back togethers make everything even worse. Worst of all are the up and downs that one feels during an attempted break up, as contact is made and then taken away.

I know I say this over and over and over but I am going to say it again – the ONLY way that you will ever be able to let go of an ex and move on is if you block him. Ten years of working with women in this exact position has taught me this. Not once, not once, has a woman succeeded in letting go of her guy, particularly her married guy, if she fails to block him!

You can do this – you are a woman after all!

11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken So You Can Get the Love You Want

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11 Ways to Heal When Your Heart is Truly Broken

I say this over and over but it is true every time – there is literally nothing worse than a broken heart.

Waking up in the morning, happy for a moment until you realize what has happened. The physical pain that one feels from the loss. The profound disappointment. The fears for the future that they will never be loved again. All of those things are incredible overwhelming and makes one feel like they will never be happy again.

Well, let me tell you, in spite of what some novels and movies might tell you, no one dies of a broken heart. No one. And you won’t either.

The key is, instead of focusing on your broken heart, focusing on healing. I know it might seem like an impossible task but you can do it!

To that end, let me share with you 11 ways to heal when your heart is truly broken!

#1 – Feel the feelings…

One thing that many people try to do is to push down their feelings when their heart is broken.

After all, feeling ones feelings tends to lead to pain and pain is one of those things that we are biologically wired to not avoid.

Many people want to “tough it out,” to not let their ex have the satisfaction of their pain. Or perhaps they have been taught to never reveal their feelings and so they stuff them down. Or perhaps the pain the feelings cause is just too intense and unbearable. For whatever reason, people don’t face their feelings head on after a break up.

But, not feeling your feelings won’t help you heal. Pushing down your feelings will only get them stuck in your body where they will fester and make things worse for you. It is important that you feel your feelings, feel the pain, and then consciously let them go.The feelings won’t go away but I can promise you that, with time, the pain will lessen and you will feel better.

And that is how you start to heal.

#2 – …but don’t let them consume you.

For those of you who feel your feelings deeply, who aren’t scared of the pain and let their feelings become an integral part of their lives after a break up, I encourage you to stop!

Feeling ones feelings is one thing, and a very important thing, but letting those feelings take over your life will only hold you back from healing.

I always recommend that my clients let themselves truly embrace their broken heart for a short period of time, perhaps a few weeks. After that, it is important that those feelings not be what drives you. That they are there, in the background, but that you are living your life in spite of them.

There is nothing that will hold back healing more than allowing those feelings to overwhelm you. To spend all of your time in your head, replaying what has happened over and over, feeling sorry for yourself and angry at the world. Instead, if you can pick your head up, recognize that you will be okay and take steps out of the world of constant pain, you will give your body, and you mind, the chance to heal.

#3 – Block them, unfriend them, unfollow them.

I am sure that you are thinking that blocking, unfriending or unfollowing your ex is “very harsh.” I hear this all the time, especially from women, that they feel like they are being unkind if they do those things. They also feel like if they do those things, their relationship is truly over, that their ex will never be able to reach them if they want to get back together.

And I get that but, if you don’t take this step, you will never get over your broken heart. Never.

A big part of healing when your heart is broken is to cut off contact with your ex. Its important that they not be able to reach out to you, to have “closure” or to “be friends” or to manipulate your emotions in any way. If they can do that, they will set you back big time and only make the pain worse.

Its the same with seeing what your ex is doing on social media. I have many clients who just “take a peek” figuring how bad could it be. And after they see their ex, and they get that shot of dopamine, they only revert back to the intense pain, sometimes even worse.

Why? Because they see their ex getting on with their lives, seemingly not hurting at all after the break up, maybe even hanging out with someone new. All of those things will only make you feel more heartbroken and like their ex never cared for you at all.

Remember, people only post their best selves on social media, especially if they guess that their ex will check them out. They want people to see that their lives are exciting and their exes to see that they have moved on. But all of those things are illusions. Yes, someone might be living their lives but behind the scenes they too are dealing with life and the pain of a break up.

So, don’t ever look at an ex on social media, even “just a peek.” It will only hold you back from the peace that you are seeking after your break up.

#4 – Don’t waste time reinforcing your feelings on social media.

Have you spent a ton of time online, researching what it means to be a narcissist? Do find yourself on TikTok, watching videos of women going through break ups, them talking about how horrible their ex is and how they got gaslit? Do you try to find inspirational posts but only focus on things that reinforce how bad you are feeling?

I get that. Its always nice to be with people who are hurting in a similar way that you are. BUT, being around other hurting people on social media is different. These people are not your friends. They do not know your situation. They are just speaking, in a void, about their own experiences and what they think you should do.

And, rarely, do people who are on social media talk about how happy they are. Sure, they are out there, but the algorithm will drive the unhappy ones to your feed because unhappiness drives clicks.

Like everything, moderation is the key. Of course, spend a short period to time scrolling, perhaps the same amount of time that you are deeply feeling your feelings but then put down your phone. If you must be on your phone, seek out inspirational sharing – stories of people who have made it out the other side.

It is important that you stop looking back and holding on to your anger and hurt. Instead, look forward to a time and place where you can be happy, and use social media to help you get the tools to get there.

#5 – Make a list of the issues in the relationship.

This is a very important one – making a list of the things that were an issue in the relationship.

When we get out of a relationship, it is very easy to forget all the things that were wrong with it. And, before you tell me that there was nothing wrong with your relationship – that it was perfect – think twice. Of course there was something wrong with it. If there wasn’t, you wouldn’t be reading this article.

And, because we forget all the bad things that happen in a relationship, we tend to get nostalgic, remembering only the good things, and that causes us to self-sabotage. To perhaps do some social media stalking. Perhaps reach out to an ex, getting the break up cycle revved up again. Things that definitely won’t help us move forward.

So, get out a pen and paper (use paper – you can keep it close) and make a list of the things that were wrong in the relationships, the times you felt hurt or ignored or slighted. I think that you will find that once you get started, you will have an easy time making the list. Continue to add to it as more things come to you.

And, once you have your list (ever growing perhaps) keep it close to you so that you can refer to it regularly. If you are reminded about the truth of your relationship you are less like to go back to it and more likely to move forward and heal.

#6 – Get off the couch.

Perhaps you are reading this from the couch? Or your bed? Or some other place where you are prone, depressed, sad and lonely.

Of course you are.  Your heart is broken and you just can’t get up and go.

And, I get that!!! But, don’t let yourself get stuck to your couch for long. It will only set you back in your healing process.

Of course, much like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, spending some time on the couch when you are heartbroken is part of the process. Its impossible to go from heartbroken to fine in the flick of a switch. But, like feeling your feelings and doom scrolling, its important that you, fairly quickly, get off the couch and out in the world.

It doesn’t have to be a big effort – maybe just getting off the couch to take a shower. Or go for a walk. Perhaps it can be a bit more – maybe a movie with a friend or a drink with your sister.  Whatever would be the thing that will get you off the couch and back out into the world.

The couch is a cozy place but it’s not a place where you will find healing. That is out there in the world and you will only find it through motion.

#7 – Dig into something that will keep your mind occupied.

The last time I had a broken heart, I was devastated. And all I wanted to do was to lie on the couch and feel sorry for myself. And I did that, for a while.

But when I got up I decided that I had to do something. I could continue going on with my life – seeing friends, walking my dog, kind of life coaching – or I could dig into something that would give my life some purpose and keep my mind occupied.

So, I decided to build my business. I buckled down and built my website and started blogging and putting myself out there for free sessions. I worked my butt off, striving to build a business that would take me into the rest of my life and not keep me looking backwards.

And, while I still suffered, the pain was lessened as I found success until, sooner than later, I had a thriving business and a wonderful new boyfriend.

What would be a good thing for you to dig into?

#8 – Don’t play the victim – embrace your power.

This is something that people do all the time when their heart is broken – they play the victim card.

The act like they were wronged. That they were perfect in the relationship and that their partner was incredibly stupid to have left them. That their suffering is worse than any other suffering ever. That they have been wronged and nothing will ever repair them.

It is important that, when you have a broken heart, instead of playing the victim, you embrace your power. That you take a good hard look at your role in the end of the relationship and that you work to make change for yourself. Don’t let someone else dictate how you are feeling or how you react. Take charge of your life and make it be your best one.

I played the victim when my ex-husband left me for another woman until I came to my senses and took accountability for my part in the demise of my marriage. This sped up my healing big time!

#9 – Shift your energy.

One small thing that people can do when they are broken hearted is to shift up their energy.

Instead of living in space that they used to share with someone, I encourage people to change the space. To get rid of anything that reminds them of their ex. To move furniture and decorations around where possible. To perhaps throw out old bedding and towels and buy new.

I also encourage people to walk, or drive, a different way home. To go to new restaurants and coffee shops. To create new weekend rituals. To do things differently than they used to do things with their ex.

The goal in doing all of this is to shift up your energy – to block the negative energy and allow new, positive energy to flow. I know that it sounds new-agey but it really works. Out with the old, negative energy and in with the new.

#10 – Think about past breakups.

I am guessing that you have been broken hearted before (and yes, probably even as broken hearted as you are now although you refuse to believe it). And, I am guessing that, because you are newly broken hearted, you moved on from that last relationship into this new one. And, just like last time, you will recover again.

And, because you have survived a break up before, you have some tools in your tool belt that helped you get through those dark times. Can you think about those times and dig them out again? Often times, what works for us once will work for us again!

#11 – Believe that you will be happy, and loved, again!

I am sure that right now, even after reading this list, you are feeling like you will never be happy again, that no one will ever love you again.

And I can promise you that THIS JUST ISN’T TRUE.

Just because some bozo didn’t see the value in you doesn’t mean that someone else won’t. This break up was a gift – you didn’t have to waste even one more minute on someone who wasn’t the right person for you.

If you can get yourself up off the couch, not dwelling in the past but looking to the future, there is no reason at all why you won’t be able to find your person. After all, they are out there, going through own shit, becoming the person they will be when you finally meet.

I just know it!

7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

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7 Ways Deal with a Boyfriend Who Repeatedly Breaks His Promises

I wish I could say that boyfriends who break their promises are a rare thing but I am afraid that they are not. I have many, many clients who come to me, frustrated that they can’t trust their boyfriends to do what they say they are going to do and not sure what to do about it.

Of course, boyfriends don’t always repeatedly break their promises with malicious intent. Often times, they worry that they will let their girlfriends down and so, in the moment, make a promise that they know they won’t keep. Either way, though, they end up breaking their promises, disappointing their girlfriends, to say the least.

So, how do you deal with a boyfriend who keeps breaking his promises? Let me give you some suggestions.

#1 – Don’t make excuses for his behavior.

Many of my clients make excuses for why their boyfriend when they lie. Perhaps their boyfriend had to prioritize work and could not do what he said he would do. Perhaps he didn’t understand what he had promised. Perhaps you had asked too much of him. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

Whatever there reason for his behavior, don’t justify it away. No one, man or woman, should break their promises. If a girlfriend repeatedly broke their promises would you justify it away or would consider letting them go as a friend because they continue to let you down?

If you continue to justify his behavior, even as he continues to break his promises over and over, it will just lead to you feeling badly about yourself because you will believe, every time, that if he loved you he would keep his promises so he must not.

#2 – Stop believing that he is ever going to keep his promises.

Wishful thinking is something that can cause big time destruction in a relationship. In this case, the wishful thinking is that your boyfriend will stop his behavior out of nowhere, will start keeping all of his promises and your problem will be solved.

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work this way. If a man is in the habit of breaking promises over and over, and he gets away with it, he has no reason to change. He will continue to do what he does.

If you are going to continue to be in this relationship, it will be important for you to accept that he won’t ever keep his promises. Why? For two reasons.

The first is that you won’t feel let down. If you accept that the promises that he makes are empty, then you won’t feel let down when things don’t happen.

The second is that, if you accept that this behavior will be ongoing, you won’t ask him to make you any promises. You will just do what you have to do to get things done, leaving him on the sidelines to do his own thing.

I am not advocating accepting that he will always break his promises. Ultimately, you will find this unsustainable and painful but it is an option should you choose to stay in the relationship.

boyfriend repeatedly breaks his promises

#3 – Try to get him to talk about why he does what he does.

It is important that you and your boyfriend have a dialogue about why he breaks his promises. Doing so will calling him out on his behavior and also, perhaps, lead him to reflect on why he breaks his promises over and over.

I know that my husband often breaks his promises but he does so because he doesn’t want to let me down. For weeks he promised to cut up some fallen trees and for weeks he kept putting it off with excuses. Finally, I got mad and called him out on it. He said that he was concerned that the trees weren’t on our land and that is why he didn’t want to cut them up.

If he had only told me the truth when I first asked him to cut up the trees, I wouldn’t have had the expectation that he was going to do it, I wouldn’t have gotten mad and I wouldn’t have felt let down (a feeling that is not going away).

On the other hand, my ex-husband used to break his promises all the time. While sometimes he would keep his promises, more often than not he wouldn’t. More often than not he intended to keep his promises but was just incapable of doing it, for whatever reason. This repeated breaking of promises eroded our relationship to the point that he is now my ex-husband.

So, try to talk to your boyfriend about why he does what he does. Perhaps this will help you both understand what is happening so that you can work together to make change.

#4 – Don’t let him off the hook.

Many of my clients don’t call their boyfriends out on their broken promises. Perhaps at the beginning they did, but, as time goes on, they stop doing so.

They stop doing so because they feel like a nag when they do. They are so disappointed that they don’t want to have another fight. They don’t want to give their boyfriends a reason to leave. They blame themselves for what has happened.

For whatever reason, women often let their boyfriends off the hook when they are repeatedly breaking promises. Unfortunately, the only thing that this does is encourage their boyfriend to continue breaking promises as they know that there will be no consequences if they do.

#5 – Know that its not because he doesn’t love you (most likely).

So many of my clients believe that when their partner breaks their promises it is because they don’t love them. That their actions reflect their true feelings. And while this might in fact be the case, more often than not its not.

One of my client’s husbands had promised to stop on the way home from work to look at some new windows for their house. He had to work later than he thought and he just forgot. My client took this to mean that he didn’t love her – that if he loved her he would have done what he promised.

And, in this case, it just wasn’t true. He did love her, he just forgot to do what he promised and committed to doing it the next day.

Another client had a boyfriend who was consistently letting her down, promising to spend time with her and then making excuses why he couldn’t. While he didn’t break those promises because he didn’t love her, spending time with her was not a priority for him. Because she let him get away with it, he made no effort to change. And, because she continued to let him break his promises to her, eventually he just walked away because he didn’t respect that she was such a doormat and fell in love with someone who challenged him.

So know that, most often, men don’t break their promises as a reflection of their feelings. They do it because they can.

#6 – Get help.

Many people who perpetually break promises have some kind of internal mechanism that leads them to do it. Perhaps they were always lied to as a child and its all they know. Perhaps they struggle with self esteem issues and believe that their actions aren’t important. Perhaps they tend to sabotage relationships and breaking promises has always succeeded in the past.

Whatever the reason, if your boyfriend continues to break his promises and you want to stay in the relationship, if is essential that you have some kind of couples therapy, whether with a therapist or with a life coach.

Working together with a professional will help you understand why he breaks his promises and him understand the effect that it has on you. Once you have some clarity about what the broken promises do to your relationship, you can start developing tools for how to do things differently.

Perhaps when its time for him to make a promise the two of you work together to define whether or not he thinks he can succeed at it or would it perhaps be better for you to modify the promise to something that he can do. Perhaps you talk specifically about what the best way for him to keep his promise would look like. Perhaps he could be honest with you about his ability to carry off this particular promise.

Whatever the actions that you develop might be, doing things differently is the only way that you will be able to break the cycle.

#7 – Walk away.

This is an excellent option to choose if your boyfriend lies to you over and over and over.  Just walk away.

I know that this idea feels like a kick in the teeth but the reality is is this is most likely the best option for you to be happy.

After all, in spite of everything, your boyfriend breaks his promises.  You are in a relationship with someone you can’t trust or rely on. A relationship like this is one that will never survive. After all, a relationship dies without trust.

I know that the idea of walking away is scary as hell. After all, the idea of starting to date again is abhorrent and the possibility that you will never love or be loved again seems like a reality.

Yes, dating won’t be fun but you will love and be loved again and you won’t have to deal with the daily pain of being let down, pain that is most likely getting worse every day.

So, there you go, 7 ways to deal with a boyfriend who repeatedly breaks his promises.

I know that its easy to rationalize away the fact that your boyfriend breaks his promises. After all, we are all only human and humans make mistakes. And this is true.

But, the reality is is that someone who lies to you over and over, which is what breaking a promise really is, is someone it is hard to be in a healthy relationship with. It is essential that you don’t look away from the reality of your relationship and take conscious steps to deal with it.

Only by doing so will you get your happily ever after.

The Surprising Connection Between Cheating and Attachment Styles

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The Surprising Connections Between Cheating and Attachment Styles

The reasons that people cheat are myriad. They might be unhappy, they might be depressed, they might be in constant need of something new, they might just cheat for cheating’s sake.

Some people, surprisingly, might be prone to cheating because of a specific aspect of their personality – their attachment style, the style in which they become attached to someone else.

For those who aren’t familiar with the attachment styles, according to “The Attachment Project,” there are four different kinds:

Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

Secure Attachment

Taking a look at the different attachments styles and how they might influence a person’s tendency to cheat could provide a very helpful perspective about why people cheat and perhaps help someone avoid doing so.

Anxious (or Preoccupied) Attachment Style

People with anxious, or preoccupied) attachment styles are people who tend to have very low self esteem. They believe themselves not worthy of love and live with a deep fear of abandonment. As a result, anxiously attached people tend to be constantly in need of reassurance about the health of a relationship. When they don’t get that reassurance, they can act out, becoming on one hand clingy or on the other dismissive.

People with anxious attachments styles tend to cheat for a number of reasons. The first is their constant need for reassurance as to the health of a relationship. If an anxiously attached person is in a relationship where they aren’t getting that constant reassurance, they might look outside of the relationship for that reassurance. An affair partner is someone who will happy to remind an anxious avoidant that they are worthy of love. After all, an affair happens inside a bubble and reassurance of this type is easy.

Another reason that someone who is anxiously attached would cheat is because they so fear being abandoned that they self sabotage and do the abandoning first. They feel like if they can step outside of a relationship, even if its one they really want, then they will save themselves from the pain that will happen if/when their person walks away.

I know that when I was younger, I was anxiously attached and I cheated on almost everyone I ever dated. I was so sure that I was going to be left because I wasn’t good enough that I did the leaving first. Unfortunately, the cheating only made my anxious attachment tendencies worse because, every time I cheated, I just felt worse about myself.

Avoidant (or Dismissive) Attachment Style

A person with an avoidant, or dismissive attachment style tends to have a very high sense of self worth and a high degree of independence. Unfortunately, while these traits might seem like they would support a healthy relationship, this is not always the case. Because of their independence, avoidants hesitate to become involved with another person, one to whom they might become attached to or become dependent on. They also tend to to shy away from emotional relationships where someone might become too attached to them and need them for reassurance.

Someone who has an avoidant attachment style might cheat for a myriad of reasons. They might believe that they are worthy of love and love from as many people as want to provide it. They might believe that if they have an affair, they will become less emotionally dependent on their partner, thereby saving themselves from pain. They might believe that if they cheat, they can get the temporary emotional connection from their affair partner without having to make a strong emotional investment in their partners.

One of my clients is an avoidant who constantly cheats. He is trying to build the perfect girl for him, someone who feeds his sense of self worth and also gives him the independence he craves.  Unfortunately, it is impossible to do this, to create one person out of many and, as a result, his need to cheat is never sated.

attachment style cheating

Disorganized (or Fearful-Avoidant) Attachment

People with disorganized, or fearful-avoidant, attachment styles tend to have a combination of anxious and avoidant attachment styles. They are sometimes anxious and sometimes avoidant and not only bring conflicting behaviors in their relationships but struggle with them internally. They crave closeness but also have a hard time trusting others.

People with disorganized attachments styles often cheat because of the self-perceived ambiguity of their feelings. They struggle to understand how they feel about someone and yet yearn for closeness and at the same time are desperately afraid of being hurt so they push people away. Having an affair is the perfect situation for them because they don’t have to definitively decide what their feelings are nor do they have to put all their eggs in one basket.

Unfortunately, people who have a disorganized attachment style are never truly secure in a relationship or an affair which makes it likely that they will hop to one after another, never truly developing a healthy connection.

Secure Attachment Style

People with secure attachment styles are people who are comfortable expressing their emotions, are happy to depend on their partners and are comfortable letting their partners rely on them. While they enjoy the closeness of a healthy relationship they are also okay being on their own. They don’t seek external approval but are able to derive approval from their own sense of self worth.

Not surprisingly, people with secure attachment styles are the least likely to have an affair. Because they are capable of having an open honest relationship based on mutual respect and support, they don’t need to go outside of their primary relationship for validation or happiness. That being said, even people with relationships that seem securely attached can, over time, allow their relationships to be taken for granted. Taking a relationship for granted can lead to a sense of separateness that, in turn, can cause fissures in that relationships. While people with secure attachment styles don’t usually need to seek out validation outside of their primary relationship, these fissures can lead to an affair if an opportunity is presented.

Therefore, it is important for someone with a secure attachment style to maintain their relationship and not take it for granted that it will always be a healthy one.

So there you go – connections between cheating and attachment styles that you might not have previously been aware of.

Whatever the reason, whether you are cheating and mystified as to how you got to this place or have been cheated on and mystified as to why, understanding the ins and outs of why people cheat could help you figure out next steps.

Of course, knowing your attachment style is an excellent way to measure the likelihood that you will have an affair. Here is a quiz that will help you know yours.

Stopping infidelity before it starts is the best way to stay out of an incredibly painful and destructive situation and giving you the space to keep your primary relationship strong. Get to know yours so that you can get on the path to a healthy relationship instead of a destructive one.

When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

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When He Refuses to Let Go: 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over

I hate to say it but we have all been there – in a relationship that started out wonderfully, slowly fell apart and then ended. At least, we thought it had ended until our ex called…and then called again…and then called again. Confused, not quite sure where the relationship stands, we fall back into it, hopeful. And then our ex disappears again.

Sound familiar?

If your ex is coming and going, refusing to commit to the relationship but also refusing to let go, it can be almost as devastating at a break up. Instead of ripping the break up band aid off, causing tremendous pain, the band aid is ripped off excruciatingly slowly. Instead of being left devastated but healing, we are left confused and in pain.

It is essential that, if you want to save your sanity and let go of the pain, you must have a clear understanding of what is really happening in the relationship, not one that has been convoluted by your ex’s actions and empty promises.

How to get that clear understanding? By looking out for red flags that are signaling that your relationship is over. They are there – you just have to take notice.

What kind of red flags? Let me share.

#1 – He comes and goes.

Coming and going is the first, and should be brightest, red flag that a relationship is over.

Does your ex show up, sometimes for days or weeks, only to abruptly leave again? Does he avidly engage in text conversations and then disappear? Does he promise that he will be somewhere and then not show up? Does he disappear for days, turning up eventually with empty excuses?

If this is your guy, your relationship is definitely over. Any guy who wants to be in a relationship is someone who will show up. He will want to spend time with you. He will tell you where he is or where he is going. He won’t have to make up excuses for why he disappeared.

A guy who wants to fix a relationship that is broken will show up and work like hell to do so. If your guy isn’t fighting for you, he just isn’t that into you and only comes around when he is bored or horny.

#2 – He doesn’t let you see his phone.

People who are in a healthy relationship let each other see their phones. Of course, privacy is important but so is transparency in a relationship, especially one that is broken and efforts are seemingly being made to fix it.

Why is being allowed to see your ex’s phone important? Because it is a sign of trust, in both directions. Your ex is showing you that he has nothing to hide – that perhaps his efforts to win you back are meaningful. Your ex showing you his phone gives you peace of mind; piece of mind that he isn’t hiding anything from you and that you can trust him.

Don’t let your ex tell you that you should just trust him and that his phone is private. Those are the words of someone who can’t be trusted.

#3 – You catch him in lies.

This is something that happens over and over in relationships that should have ended but didn’t  – lies, both big ones and little ones. And, because we hope to save the relationship, we are willing to accept them without question.

Be honest with yourself –  have you caught your ex in a number of lies? In even one lie? Perhaps its a lie about where he was or who he was with. Perhaps its a lie about why he can’t do something with you. Perhaps it was a lie that he couldn’t afford to pay for something. Perhaps a lie about his life status. Perhaps it was just a lie about the color of the sky – a lie just for lying’s sake.

Catching your ex in a lie is a HUGE red flag that your relationship is over.

red flags relationship is over

#4 – He tells you he is “confused” and “thinking things over.”

If there is one thing that women are really good at it is thinking things over and processing things. We have done it our whole lives and we do it every day.

For men, unfortunately, processing things can be a lot more difficult. And, if they continue to use this as an excuse why they can’t commit to you one way or another, it is a huge red flag.

Now I am not saying that men don’t think things over – of course they do. They weigh the good and bads in a situation and consider what they think their next steps should be and then they take action. So they do process, but they tend to process quicker than women do because their thinking is more black and white.

So, if your ex continues to show up and have sex with you and then disappears for days at a time and uses the excuse that he is still mulling things over, I have to tell you that he just isn’t that into you and while he might not have acknowledged it yet, the relationship is over.

My 28 year old son has been telling me for years that if a guy is “thinking things over” and “confused” it really is code for they are ready to move on. Any guys who is really into a girl knows it and takes action.

#5 – You only ever have sex.

When your ex does reach out and you reconnect do you, more often than not, just have sex?

Sure there might be some food involved and perhaps some small talk but, more often than not, do you just end up in bed? And, unless you are doing something for him, does he tend to disappear pretty quickly after that?

I am afraid that if you and your ex are only having sex, its a huge red flag that your relationship is over.

For women, sex is about connection. When we have sex with our ex we are reconnecting with them, hoping that things might be different this time around. For men, sex is less about connection than about fulfilling a physical need. And, after their needs are met, they can easily move on, leaving their reconnected ex confused and devastated.

So, if you and your ex are only having sex, don’t look at it as a deep connection that only the two of you share but as a red flag that your relationship is most likely nothing more than a physical one.

#6 – Your gut tells you so.

I know, I know. This is a hard one. After all, when our heart is involved, its very hard to listen to our gut. I know – I have been there, more than once.

But it’s very, very important that you try very hard to listen to your gut right now. It is truly your best friend in this situation.

So, be honest with yourself – is one of the reasons that you are reading this article because you know, deep down, that your relationship is over. Is your heart hoping that your gut is wrong so you stay? If you try to ignore your heart for a moment, is your gut screaming “let go”?

The reason that we have a gut is to protect us from danger. It is something we use every day of our lives – when crossing the street, making a decision at work or planning our next steps. Unfortunately, because we want things to turn out differently than the direction that they are currently on, we ignore that danger signal and proceed even though there is risk.

Don’t let this be you! Listen to what your body is telling you.

#7 – He treats you inconsiderately.

When you were first in this relationship, did your ex treat you like a queen. Did they listen to you and show up for you and take care of you and treat you with respect? Is that part of the reason that you fell in love with him?

And, how does he treat you now? Does he listen to you and show up for you and treat you, consistently, with respect? Or has he stopped paying attention and being there for you, except when he needs something?

Be honest – do you see that he is treating you with disrespect but are you remembering the way that it was in the beginning and hoping that, if you just hold on long enough, things will go back to the way they were then, that he will start acting the way he did then.

Well, I am sorry to tell you that things will never go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Even if you were in a healthy relationship, the beginning is just a phase in a relationship and it will never return once its over.

It is important that you know that, if you are going to be in a relationship with this person, you are going to be in a relationship with exactly how he behaving right now. He won’t change, unless he wants to.

#8 – He is vague about the future.

The beginning of relationship is such a wonderful time. Lots of late night chats, getting to know each other, and discussing the future. Such a hopeful time, full of love and excitement.

Have things changed? Are you no longer talking about the future? Is he vague about what is next for him and you both. When you bring it up does he change the subject? Do you hope that things will change?

I am afraid that, if your guy has stopped talking about the future, he is waving a big red flag. Even though in the beginning he might have had wonderful ideas, those wishful ideas are gone and hoping that they will return will be fruitless for you.

I am so sorry, but the future that you had planned together is one that only you are holding on to.

#9 – You have to initiate things, most of the time.

In the past few days, how many times have you had to initiate a conversation with your ex? How many times have you had to reach out to see how he is doing or if perhaps you might get together? Be honest – is it more than once?

Men who want to be with a woman will initiate things – period the end. A man who is no longer all in a relationship will certainly be willing to hang out and have sex but they won’t have the motivation needed to make it happen. They will be happy to let you take the lead but will most likely only respond when there is something in it for them.

So, take stock of how much you are doing the reaching out. He isn’t not initiating because he is “confused” or “thinking about things” but because he just isn’t that interested in you.

So, there you go – 9 Red Flags That Signal Your Relationship is Over.

I know that these red flags can be hard to see. After all, he wants the relationship to be over but keeps showing up in one form or another and refuses to let you go. But don’t take that to mean that you have a future together.

If these red flags are flying, its time for you to walk away and find someone who can love you the way that you deserve to be loved.

You can do it!

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