7 Signs Your Guy Has Commitment Phobia

/by

Ok. Be honest. If you are reading this article you are wondering if your guy has commitment issues and you just want to know. Good for you! Better to look for the signs sooner than later so that you can move on and find the love you seek.

Of course, it’s not just guys who have commitment phobia – many women do too. But it seems that it is an issue more often with guys – which is the topic for a whole other blog.

For now, let me share with you 7 signs that your guy might be afraid of commitment so that you can decide what next steps to take.

#1 – He doesn’t want to meet your friends and family.

For men who have commitment issues, they often won’t want to meet their partner’s friends or families. And, to some extent, this is a sign of good character because once the families are involved, things change but it’s not someone who wants to be in a relationship.

When you want to introduce your guy to a friend or family member, does he make excuses? Does he disappear when a loved one visits? Does he insist that his friends are busy if you want to meet them? Does he say that he just wants to spend time alone with you – that that is more important to him?

If your guy does any of things, it’s a sign that he is a commitment phobe. He knows that, by getting to know your friends and family, he is taking the relationship to another level, something that he just doesn’t want to do because he just isn’t sure that he wants to stay.

So, pay attention to whether he wants to meet your friends and family and don’t take that he wants to only spend time with you as an excuse – it might feel good but that doesn’t mean it’s a sign of a relationship that has a future.

#2 – He doesn’t talk about the future.

When you were first together, did your guy sometimes talk about the future? What you would do together and how much fun you would have? Does he not do that so much now? When you bring up the future does he refuse to engage? Even worse, when he brings up the future, does he not mention you?

A guy who doesn’t talk about the future is a guy who doesn’t want to commit. He is a guy who is hedging his bets, enjoying the time that he has with you now but with one foot out the door.

Don’t take this as he is just taking things one day at a time – as he might be saying. He most likely isn’t all in but he wants to have fun in the meantime.

#3 – He tells you that he wants to take things slowly.

Like a guy who doesn’t want to talk about the future, a guy who says that they want to take things slowly is someone who isn’t really all in.

For a guy who wants a relationship, he works hard to be in it. He meets your family, is there when you need him, doesn’t disappear and make excuses. Someone who says that they want to take things slowly is someone who doesn’t want to commit.

Remember back when you were dating – at the end of a date did your date were tell you that he wanted to take things slowly and then never call you again? See, it’s just an excuse.

So, don’t make excuses for why your guy wants to talk things slowly. If he isn’t ready to jump in with two feet, he isn’t ready at all.

#4 – He is emotionally unavailable.

When you try to talk about emotional stuff, does your guy shut down? When you want to talk about the relationship or how you are feeling does he make excuses to get out of the conversation and refuse to reengage if you ask him to?

For men, showing their emotions can be difficult and for a guy who doesn’t want to commit, making the effort to do so just isn’t worth it. After all, why spend time doing something difficult if you don’t have to?

And, while he cares about you enough to spend time with you, and have sex with you, he doesn’t care enough to engage emotionally. And that is a huge red flag.

So, be honest with yourself. Does your guy avoid conversations that have anything to do with your relationship or your feelings? If he does, he could very well be commitment phobic.

guy has commitment phobia

guy is a commitment phobe

#5 – You are feeling insecure in the relationship.

Again, you are here, reading this article. Chances are, if you are doing so, you are feeling insecure in your relationship.

Most women know when their guy doesn’t want a committed relationship, they just hope that things will change. They hope that, if they just try hard enough, love their guy enough, get their friends to like them and take care of them, their guy will fall in love with them.

What I can promise you is that none of these things will happen. If a guy doesn’t want to commit, you going out of your way to make him love you will only push him away.

Don’t ignore this red flag. A healthy relationship is supposed to make someone feel secure and loved. If you don’t feel this way, it’s a huge sign that your guy just doesn’t want to stick around forever.

#6 – They aren’t great communicators.

On top of not being emotional available, guys who are afraid of being in a relationship are guys who are not great communicators.

They are guys who might disappear for a few days or text less than usual or spend lots of time away from you with their friends. And, the key part of this is that they don’t tell you about it. They just do their own thing and leave you wondering what is going on.

And what does this do? It tells you that they just aren’t into you because a guy who is into a woman is a guy who will communicate. He will have enough respect for her that he will tell her what he is doing and when he won’t be available.

So, don’t make excuses for your guy’s lack of communication. Don’t think that he is pulling back so that he can think about his feelings for you. Don’t tell yourself that it’s good that everyone have some independence in a relationship and that this is a healthy sign. It’s not!

#7 – He picks fights.

Guys who aren’t all in are guys that will be moody and pick fights that don’t need to be picked.

They will be impatient and condescending. They will gaslight you and make you feel like everything is your fault. They will make you feel insecure and unsure of yourself.

And, for many guys, the reason that they do this is so that you will break up with them.

One of many men’s worse traits is that they don’t want to hurt a woman by breaking up with them so they breadcrumb them, treating them badly, hoping that their woman will break up with them. When I try to explain the disparity of this argument to men, they just don’t get it. So they do it over and over.

So, does your guy pick fights? Do you feel like he isn’t the person who you fell for but a new crabby person you are tiptoeing around? If yes, it could be a sign that he is commitment phobic.

There you are – 7 signs that your guy is commitment phobic.

I want to warn you to not make excuses for your guy and his behavior. Don’t think that if you just love him enough, things will change. If your guy is displaying any or all of these signs, walk away.

Walk away and find the love that you deserve!

You can do it!

7 Symptoms of a Toxic Relationship That You Shouldn’t Ignore

/by

If you are reading this article you are probably wondering if you, or someone you love, is in a toxic relationship.

And good for you for trying to figure it out. Symptoms of a toxic relationship can be hard to spot, especially if you are in the middle of one.

Here are 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you shouldn’t ignore.

#1 – You don’t feel good about yourself

First and foremost, the most important symptom to look out for is whether or not you feel good about yourself.

In a healthy relationship, people feel good about themselves. They feel good about who they are in the world. They feel good about their relationship. They feel hopeful about the future.

In a toxic relationship, things are different. People often feel like they are a loser. They are sometimes depressed. They don’t feel good about their relationship. They don’t feel hopeful for the future.

This makes sense because – how can someone feel good about themselves if their relationship is an unhappy one?

Always fighting with their partner, things are always up and down, constantly living on the edge, trying to keep things stable – all of that is exhausting.

So, do you feel good about yourself? If not, it could be a sign of a toxic relationship.

#2 – You are making excuses for the relationship.

Be honest. Are you always making excuses for how things are in the relationship, both to yourself and to others.

When things go wrong, do you tell yourself that its all your fault and that if you just do things differently all will be fine. Do you tell yourself that your partner is going through some stuff and that it will be fine once they are past it? Do you tell yourself that if you just love them enough long enough, everything will be ok?

How about your friends? Are you honest with them about what is happening in the relationship? Do you tell them what is happening and then blame yourself? Do they tell you that this is a toxic relationship but you make excuses for why it’s not?

People who are in healthy relationships know that they are. They don’t have to make excuses to themselves or others about the state of their relationship. They don’t have to spend a minute worrying about whether the relationship will work out.

So, be honest with yourself. How honest are you about your relationship?

#3 – You have lots of make up sex.

Most of my clients who are in toxic relationships have a lot of sex.

They tell me that their relationship can’t be toxic if they want to have sex so much. They tell themselves that they still love their person – if they didn’t, why would they have so much sex?

I can tell you that, for many people in toxic relationships, there are lots of emotions flying around the room. And that emotion can lead to sexual intimacy. Much like break up sex, the need to do something with the negative emotions is intense and sex is a great way to let it go.

What I can tell you is that lots of sex is not a sign of a healthy relationships. And, for women especially, when we have sex with someone it draws us closer to them and make us feel like we still love our person.

So, consider what your sex life looks like? Is it a healthy one, born of feelings of connectedness or is it highly emotional sex that leaves you feeling good and then confused and, maybe, empty?

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

7 symptoms of a toxic relationship

#4 – Your friends and family don’t like your relationship.

This is a big one. If your friends and family don’t like your relationship, pay attention to them.

When we are in a toxic relationship, we are drowning in it. It’s like we are lying in a river with water bubbling over our heads and we just can’t see or hear clearly.

But your friends and family can.

Do your friends and family point out that you always seem to be fighting? Or that you are unhappy? Or that you are being treated badly? Or that you are treating someone badly?

If your friends and family have anything negative to say about your relationship, listen to them!  They know you best and only want what is good for you!

#5 – It is affecting your life and/or work.

I have a client who reached out the other day and told me that she can’t get any work done because she is so distracted by the mess that is her relationship.

She can’t focus at work. She is too depressed to get things done around the house. The idea of going out with friends is daunting. She no longer does the things that she used to love to do.

So, for my clients, not only is she feeling bad about her relationship but she is also feeling sad and lonely and like a loser. And that isn’t helping her relationship because of how she is feeling right now about her place in the world, she believes that the toxic relationship is all that she deserves.

So, are you finding that you can’t get things done around the house? Or that you are isolating? Or that you are too depressed to put yourself out in the world.

Don’t blame yourself – you are most likely struggling in a toxic relationship – and that is what you are feeling like right now.

#6 – Nothing is changing.

This is a key symptom of a toxic relationship that is important to take note of – are the same things happening over and over and nothing is changing?

Do you have the same fight? Are the same emotions in action? Are the same unkind words being said over and over? Are you having lots of break up sex?

One of the hallmarks of a toxic relationship is that, no matter how either, or both, people try, nothing is changing. That even though they know that something needs to be done, history keeps repeating itself.

Obviously, if things don’t change, how can your relationship ever be any better? And don’t kid yourself that things will sometime go back to the way that they were in the beginning. Because they won’t!

So, take note if things are changing for the better in your relationship. If they aren’t, it might be time to make change.

#7 – You spend lots of time looking up info on toxic relationships.

So here you are – reading this article about symptoms of toxic relationships. Is this the first time that you have googled “toxic relationships” or is a consistent pattern?

If you spend hours and hours searching Instagram and TikTok, trying to learn more about toxic relationships, how to fix them, what they look like, then it is very likely that you are in a toxic relationship.

If your gut is telling you that you might be in a bad relationship, enough so that you are seeking information about it, then that is a sign that it is is toxic.

And, looking for information about toxic relationships might not lead to change – you might just get more firmly entrenched in the idea of the relationship and make excuses for it, something that won’t help you make change.

So, there you go – 7 symptoms of a toxic relationship that you need to look out for.

Relationships start out so hopeful – words of love, hopes for the future. And, when they turn toxic, it can be hard to spot. After all, no one wants to let go of what they hoped to have and to start over again.

So, ask yourself how you are feeling about yourself, both internally and in the world. Do your friends and family like your relationship? Is your sex life a healthy one? Is your on-line search history full of things that are following your gut?

If yes, perhaps its time to get out of this relationship and to find one where you can live happily ever after.

You can do it!

7 Surprising Signs of a Cheating Spouse

/by

As long as there has been marriage there has been infidelity. Not that its okay – it just is.

Traditionally, signs of cheating have been obvious. The cheater spends more time away from home. They can be difficult to reach. They aren’t always honest about how they spend their time. Perhaps a stray love letter or text gets discovered.

And, while those things can be signs of infidelity, there are signs of a cheating spouse that are harder to identify. Knowing what they are might help you glean the truth about what is happening in your marriage so that you can decide next steps for yourself!

#1 – They look different.

Take a good look at your spouse (something that perhaps you haven’t done for a while because they are, well, your spouse and you don’t notice them as much as you used to?).

Do you see anything different? Are they wearing their hair differently? Are they wearing something that you have never seen before? Are they shaving places that they haven’t groomed for years?

For many people who embark upon affairs, the things that they had neglected for years, like how they dress or how they present themselves, often get renewed attention.

For people who are cheating, they want to look good for their person. They want to feel desirable. They might even want to mold themselves into someone their person might want them to be.

So, does your spouse look even a little bit different than they usually do? If yes, there is a chance that it could be a sign that they might be cheating.

#2-  There are strange things in the garbage can.

I know, I know. Why should you go pawing through the garbage to find signs that your spouse is cheating? It seems a little bit extreme, no? Unfortunately, it is not.

People who are in affairs, much like that they groom themselves differently, might buy things that they don’t usually buy. And, often, I don’t know why, they carelessly toss detritus from those items in the trash.

What kind of items? Usually small ones, like sales tags or receipts. Sometimes its bigger – perhaps packaging. Sometimes they even discard the shop bag. In our throw away society, we don’t tend to think about trash consciously so we often just toss it aside without thinking.

So, if you are noticing some unusual items in your trash, pay attention. It could be a sign that your spouse is up to something.

#3 – They seem distracted.

Most of my clients who are having affairs tell me that they are incredibly distracted.

They find that they can’t concentrate on work. That at the family dinner table they don’t engage in conversation. They say that they forget simple things, like taking a pot off the stove. They miss appointments and are late picking up their kids from school.

Does your spouse seem unusually distracted? Do they seem distant and sometimes incommunicative? Do they forget things that they have never forgotten before?

This could be a sign that something is going on and might merit some extra attention.

#4 – Their friends are acting strange.

When someone is having an affair, the desire to keep it a secret and the need to share what is happening are in conflict. Affairs are exciting and messy and many people, in spite of their best interests, need someone to confide in.

While, ideally, a cheater would be seeking professional help to address what they are doing, more often, they seek support from a friend. And friends, unfortunately, aren’t always good at keeping a secret or at keeping a poker face.

So, how are your spouse’s friends behaving? Are any of them distant? Do any of them say strange things, things that you don’t understand? Do you find your spouse spending more time with them than usual?

Our spouse’s friends can often be their worst enemies. Pay attention to their interaction with their friends and their friends’ interactions with you. If anything has changed, it could be a sign that your spouse is cheating.

#5 – They are more emotional than usual.

Affairs bring out emotions, in more ways that one.

Of course there is excitement and passion – obviously. But there is also guilt. And shame. And confusion. All things that, when push comes to shove, can be completely overwhelming.

For a client of mine, she found that she was crying all the time. She loved her affair partner madly but she also was overwhelmed by her feelings of guilt for her spouse. She also was desperately unhappy in her marriage and that made her incredibly sad as well.

As a result, my client found that she was crying all the time. Furthermore, she found that she was impatient and quick to anger. These were emotions that she had never experienced and she was overwhelmed by them.

And her husband? He had no idea what to do with his wife’s emotions.  They had always scared him but their new intensity was overwhelming.

So, how is your partner’s emotional regulation? Do you find that they are more emotional than usual? If yes, it could be a sign that they are being unfaithful.

 

signs of a cheating spouse

signs of a cheating spouse

#6 – They want more sex.

Yes, I know that this one is counterintuitive – why would someone who is having an affair want more sex.

When someone is having an affair, particularly at the beginning, their hormones are in overdrive. Their need to touch and be touched is intense. They are constantly thinking about sex. They are pulsing with feel good hormones.  Sex is a driving force in their lives.

This happens, too, when we are in any new relationship – the attraction is part of what makes that period of time so much fun.

Ironically, the affair partner is not always available to fulfill this sexual need and, therefore, the cheater turns to their spouse to scratch their itch. Horrible, I know.

So, is your spouse more interested in sex then they have been for a while? If yes, pay attention.

#7 – Your gut tells you so.

This is that biggest sign to look out for and the one that we ignore all the time – our gut.

Our gut is the thing that keeps human beings alive. It’s the thing that signals danger so that we can get away from what threatens us. It tells us that what we are seeing isn’t necessarily the truth. It warns us when we are making a choice that isn’t right for us.

In short, our gut is our red flag spotter. And it’s something that we, more often than not, ignore.

I have a client whose husband has started buying new underwear. He is working out. He spends a lot of time walking on the beach, where there is no cell service. He is more impatient with her than usual.

For me, I see all the signs of infidelity. For her, she absolutely refuses to believe that it is possible – her gut tells her so! As a result, she is miserable and living a life that isn’t satisfying her. Ultimately, I am afraid, she will find out the truth and it will be devastating for her.

So there you are – 7 surprising signs that your spouse might be cheating.

Of courses, all of the things that I have written about are not necessarily signs of infidelity. But they are things to look out for and, if these things are found in combination, might be meaningful.

I know that they are small things but it is small things that make the difference in life. And small things that we often miss. Small things that noticing might be life changing.

If you are suspecting that your spouse might be cheating, keep an eye out for the small things. You will be glad that you did!

Finding Happiness After Divorce is Possible! Here is How.

/by

For many people, finding happiness after a divorce might seem impossible.

After all, the lives that they have lived for whatever period of time is over. The stress and sadness of the divorce process has been life sucking. The fear of moving forward can be intense.

But finding happiness after a divorce is not only possible but probable. I know. I have been there – gone from devastated by a divorce to living happily ever after.

How did this happen? Let me share.

There are 9 key elements to finding the life, and love, that you seek after a divorce.

#1 – Make sure that your divorce is settled.

For many people, myself included, they are so impatient for their life to move forward that they try to get started earlier than they should.

When my husband left me, I immediately set out to build a new life for myself – including finding love. I reached out to college boyfriend, hoping to re-kindle our love. I embraced online dating, getting into one relationship after another, all of which failed.

In retrospect, I know that I just wasn’t ready. I was in too deep with sadness around the end of my marriage and the toxicity of the divorce process. At the time, I thought I was ready but I wasn’t.

Going through a divorce is one of the most devastating things that anyone can go through. And the divorce process can take a long time. When one is in the middle of it all, it’s almost like they are submerged in a babbling brook. Like water is rushing over their head and they can’t really hear anything or see anything clearly. As a result, they can make bad choices, choices that might even sabotage finding the happiness that they deserve.

So, try to be patient and wait until the divorce is settled and signed off on before you try to make too much change, particularly around relationships.

#2 – Don’t move too fast.

Many people are desperate to find love again after a divorce. They truly believe that that is the only way they will ever be happy again. And so, they get into a new relationship quicker than they should.

What I always encourage my clients to do is, if you feel like dating is something that you must do to keep your head above water, to date away. Date away but absolutely don’t get into a new relationship.

As I said above, when going through a divorce you just don’t see or feel things clearly. As a result, you could get into another relationship that causes you heartbreak and leaves you even worse off than you were during your marriage.

I got into a relationship within months of my husband leaving. At first it was wonderful but then it fell apart – mostly because my divorce kept on interfering with our life and because I didn’t have the life skills to be in a new relationship after 20 years of marriage.

As the relationship fell apart, so did I, mentally and physically. Most notably, I woke up one day with my face half-paralyzed. I had Bell’s Palsy. The stress that I was feeling was literally all over my face. It was horrible.

So, don’t move too fast into a new relationship. It could only hold you back!

#3 – Take stock of what happened.

For many people, once they get through a divorce, don’t take the time to pause and figure out what happened in their marriage. As a result, they find that they make the same mistakes that they made in their marriage.

In what way? They choose people who resemble their ex-spouse. They interact with them in ways that sabotage a relationship instead of build it. They continue the toxic behaviors they displayed in their marriage. They continue to do what they have always done and hope that things turn out differently this time around.

It is key that you stop and take the time to figure out not only what happened in your marriage but also your role in it. You don’t want history to repeat itself. A large percent of second marriages fail. Don’t let yours be one of them!

#4 – Let go of self-sabotaging negativity.

This is one of the most important things to do after a divorce – and the most difficult.

The key to finding happiness after a divorce is to let go of any anger and animosity that you might feel towards your ex.

Holding on to anger is horrible for many reasons. It keeps you mired in the past. It carries an undercurrent of anger and hostility that can sabotage happiness. It can lead to not trusting people. Is unattractive to those it is shared with. And, it could ultimately cause physical problems. My mom held a grudge against my dad for decades – she died at 72 of pancreatic cancer.

So, work hard to not hold on to any anger that you might have against your ex. And, as you work to let go of it, don’t subject random people, especially dates, to your vitriol. It won’t get you anywhere!

#5 – Be open to taking risks.

No risk, no reward, right?

I know that for many people coming out the other side of divorce, the idea of taking risks is untenable.

Their self confidence is shot. They are emotionally drained. They aren’t feeling very hopeful for the future. All of these things make some people want to curl up on the couch, eat ice cream and indulge in lots and lots of reality TV.

And, while it is ok to do this for a while, don’t let it last for long.

For me, after my divorce, I sold my 2000 sq foot house in Vermont and got myself a little apartment on the Upper West Side in NYC. I put my stuff in storage and set off for my adventure. And I am glad I did.

While I didn’t find love in NYC (which I thought I would with the million plus guys there) I did build my business, meet new people and do exciting new things. It was the best 2.5 years of my life, to date – and now I am happily settled in Maine, having done something that I always wanted to do at that turning point in my life.

Now, I am not saying that you have to move to NYC after your divorce. I am a big risk taker so that was easy for me. But pay attention to the life choices that you make and make sure that some of them make you just a little bit nervous.

Doing so will give you the opportunity to truly feel alive again and help you find the happiness that you seek.

#6 – Do that thing you have always wanted to do.

It’s interesting – marriage can make one’s life very small. Between jobs and kids and careers and extended family, the life that we lived when were single seems like it’s gone for ever. The risks and adventures, the trips and cultural events, the branching out and meeting new people are all put to the side as life goes on.

When you get divorced, you have a chance to open up that world again.

For me, for years going to Peru had been on my bucket list but, because my life was small, I just didn’t make it happen. Once I got divorced I was determined to make it happen. And I did. At the age of 52, I hiked a 17,000 foot mountain and came down the other side to land at Machu Picchu. Not only did I widen my world but I felt damn good about myself doing it.

So, what is that thing that you have always wanted to do? Do it!

 

finding happiness after divorce

#7 – Spend time with people who love you.

When we come out the other side of a divorce often our self-confidence has been destroyed.We don’t feel good about ourselves and are perfectly. We are happy to wallow in the feelings of self-hatred.

Well, let me tell you that, just because you got divorced, you are not a bad person. You aren’t worthless. You are deserving of love. And, if you have a hard time believing me, just ask those friends and family members who love you. They will tell you.

In an effort to find happiness after divorce, it is key that you spend time with people who love you, people who will remind you of your worth to the world and all that you have to give. If you are surrounded by this kind of unconditional love, it will help you believe in yourself again and move confidently into the world.

#8- Take care of yourself.

I know – this one seems obvious but it must be included in any list of finding happiness after or a divorce.

While the instinct to stay home and indulge in your depression might be tempting, I encourage you to do that as little as possible. Make sure that you get outside and exercise. That you sleep and eat well. That you don’t spend hours stalking your ex on social media. That you do things that feed your soul.

I know the idea of getting up off the couch right now but I can promise that, if you do, you will be one step closer to finding the happiness that you seek!

#9 – Get help.

Most people who are going through and getting past a divorce have never done so before. Sure they might have been through a break up but not a divorce. As a result, they have no idea with they are doing.

I always encourage my clients to find some kind of support to get through this difficult time. Whether it’s a friend who has been through a divorce already, a therapist who can help you process your feelings or a life coach who can help you figure out next steps (or all three), getting some kind of support as you navigate the treacherous waters of life during and after a divorce is essential to any future happiness!

So there you go – 9 key elements of finding happiness after a divorce.

I know that many of these things might feel daunting right now, keep this list close so that, when you are ready, you know what you have to do.

And, I promise you – you can do it! And, if you do, you will find the life and the love that you so much want to have!

5 Pros and Cons of Dating a Married Man

/by

 

Let me say first and foremost that having an affair with a married man is a really bad idea. For so many reasons.

If you are having one, you probably know this. If you are thinking about having one, read this article carefully!

Years ago, I had an affair with a married man so the information that I share below I know first hand. I also know, from my clients, that they are true of every woman having an affair with a married man.

Without further ado, here are 5 pros and cons of dating a married man so that you can be aware of what you are getting yourself into.

Pro: You won’t have to commit.

For many women, committing to a relationship is not something that they are interested in.

Whether it’s because they have a life they don’t want to change or whether they aren’t willing to make their heart vulnerable, they are happy to have something on the side but don’t want to have to be obligated.

Con: You will be alone more than you want to be.

Of course, if we choose to not commit and to have space that is great. But, if we WANT to spend time with our person it won’t feel good that they , more often than not, will not be available.

Why? Because your married man has a family and a life. Those things will always come first.

Pro: You will feel love like you have never felt before.

When you are involved with a married man, you will be living inside a bubble, a bubble without extended family or financial worries or kids issues. As a result, your love will only feel wonderful and you will believe that the two of you are soulmates, destined to  live happily ever after.

Con: That love will be not be enough.

You live in a bubble. The time you share just isn’t a reflection of real life. Therefore, you are in love with a man you don’t really know, a man who exists for you without all the issues of real life.

I know that when I got to start spending time in the real world with my married man, I found out that he was BORING and I had to walk away.

Two red hearts with a broken one on them.

Pro: You will be promised the world.

Married men are so thankful that they have someone to love them and have sex with them and listen to their tales of woe that they are willing to do anything to keep their lover.

And they truly believe that they are strong enough to follow through and leave their wife and you will live happily ever after.

Con: They will (often unintentionally) be lying to you.

Married men truly do believe that they will do what they say that they are going to do – leave their wives. But, the reality is, I have never known a man to leave his wife and, if he does, he only does it for a short while and then he goes back home.

The reason that your married man won’t leave his wife is not because he doesn’t love you enough but because leaving his wife means leaving his family, wrecking his finances and damaging his social life, all things that he has spent years building and things that he doesn’t want to abandon.

Pro: You will believe that you have found your soul mate.

As I said before, many women who have affairs with married men believe that they have found their soulmate. The one person who truly gets them and who gives them the love that they have always sought.

Con: You haven’t

How can the person who is your soulmate hurt you over and over and over? How can they make you promises and not follow through? How can they say that you are the most important thing in the world to him and then not be there when you want or need them?

Pro: You will feel beautiful and sexy and lovable.

Sure, you will feel all of those things when you are dating a married man.

Your relationship is fresh and new and that is when women feel most loved.

Furthermore, your married man will admire the independent woman that you are, out in the world, living your life while he is stuck in an unhappy marriage.

And, of course, he believes that you are his soul mate and his life raft and he will flood you will platitudes and gifts and moments of pleasure because he wants to keep you happy enough.

Con: You will lose yourself.

I know that when I met my married guy, I was a confident single person in the world. I had just moved to NYC, I was fitter than I had ever been in my life, I was building a business and had great friends.

And, then, I met him and, for a while things were great. Until they weren’t.

The broken promises, the not being a priority, the time spent a long, the hopelessness that I felt for the future all brought me to my knees.

I was a shell of the person I was before I met him, a shadow that didn’t go away until I walked away.

So there you go, 5 pros and cons of dating a married man.

There are many more cons that I could share with you but I will leave it there. I am guessing you get the idea.

Again, I am not advocating for having an affair with a married man. As a matter of fact, I wish I could reach through this blog and warn YOU of the dangers that lie ahead if you go down this road.

But, it’s up to you to make this decision. Think long and hard before you do – you will be happy you did!

7 Ways Super Effective Ways to Deal with Anxiety after a Break Up

/by

 

There is truly nothing worse than a break up.

Whether you did the breaking up or were broken up with, it’s the end of an era.

Having to let go of hopes and dreams about the relationship can be devastating and having any hope for the future can be impossible.

And I get it. I have been there.

That being said, this break up is just a period of time that you have to go through. The pain will end. You just need to figure out how to ride it out in the meantime.

To help you do so, I have compiled 7 effective ways to deal with anxiety after a break up so that you can get through this period of time and move on.

#1 – Be careful with social media.

For many of my clients, when they are going through a break up, they spend an incredible amount of time on social media trying to process what happened.

They go on TikTok or Instagram or whatever and find whatever information that they can to either understand why they were broken up with or to help them justify doing the breaking up.

And there is a TON of information out there to suit their needs. Unfortunately, there is so much information that it is very easy to go down a rabbit hole and never come back up.

I always encourage my clients to take one week and do this. To dig into whatever it is they need to dig into. And then, after 7 days, to stop.

Why? Because by focusing on what happened, on the past, they won’t be able to manage the anxiety that they feel after a break up. They will spend so much time focusing on it, processing it, talking about it with strangers, comparing themselves to some nebulous person in a far away place who might be totally different from them, that they have no opportunity or motivation to move forward.

After a week, it’s time to go down another rabbit hole – how to move forward after your break up and build the life that you want. There is a ton of inspirational information out there to support you. And that is the kind of support you want – positive support.

So, be care about your social media use. You will be glad you did!

#2 – No contact and no stalking.

This is SO important. Maybe even more important than anything else. You must have no contact with your ex and you must absolutely not stalk them in any way.

I know that the inclination to have “one more talk†with your ex (or accept their request for one more talk) for closure or whatever is powerful but interacting with your ex is only going to cause you more pain and anxiety. Closure is just an excuse to be together one more time and hope that things end differently.

Also, the temptation to look for your ex online, to see what they are doing and if they are happy and if they have moved on is one you must resist at all costs! You do not need to see how your ex is. They are your ex and that is that. I know that whenever I google old exes I regret it!

And remember, no one posts their bad stuff on social media so all you will see is your ex enjoying their life and that just won’t make you feel good.

Ideally, you would block your ex on your phone and on social media because that will prevent there being any opportunities to reach out. Many people really struggle to do this, however, and, more often than not, fall back into old patterns. All I can say is know that not having contact with them is the key to healing!

#3 – Consider past break ups.

I am guessing that you had break ups in the past, yes?

And was the pain that you felt after the break up intense? Yes?

Maybe you are thinking to yourself that that pain wasn’t anywhere near as painful as your current pain but I can promise you it was – you just don’t remember. Our bodies don’t let us hold on to pain – it would be hard to live fully if you remembered all the pain that you felt in the past.

Anyway, after past break ups you were probably in a lot of pain and YOU GOT OVER IT! That is the thing to remember. That you have suffered before and gotten through it and you will get through this break up as well.

And remember, there is always someone on the other side of a break up. I know that you might not believe it now but there is!

#4 – Spend time with people who love you.

For many people who are struggling with anxiety after a break up, they feel bad about themselves and they isolate with Netflix and ice cream. And, while this is okay to do for a while, it is important that you shut it down sooner than later.

Spending time with people who love you is exactly what you need right now. People who remind you how wonderful you are. People who make you laugh. People who have helped you ride out the hard times before.

You know who those people are – reach out to them.

A group of young people standing next to each other.

#5 – Set a goal for yourself.

I remember when I went through a particularly bad break up (with, silly me, a married man), after I cried for a while I picked myself up and decided that I needed to live my life. That I couldn’t let him stop me from doing what I wanted to do.

So I set my eye on doing two things – building my coaching business and hiking to 17,000 feet mountain in Peru. It took some time and some effort but I did both. And, in the process, not only did I distract myself from the pain that I was feeling because I was so busy, I also rewired my brain to think differently than I did when I was in the relationship.

Also, once I accomplished those goals I felt so damn good about myself! I knew that I wouldn’t have done those things had I stayed in the toxic relationship. I knew that I could accomplish anything if I put my mind to it, even if I was alone. (Which I wasn’t, for long)

#6 – Don’t play the victim.

For so many people, after a break up, play the victim.

They believe that they did nothing wrong and that their ex was a toxic person and the cause of everything that went down. And your ex might have been a toxic person but they weren’t the cause of everything that went wrong.

There are two people in every relationship and two people responsible for it breaking down.

Yes, perhaps your partner treated you badly but did you let him do so for longer than you should have? Were you too scared to speak up for yourself and allow the abuse to continue? Did you ignore huge red flags, hoping that everything would turn out?

No judgement here – we all do that. But the key is to remember that you bear some responsibility for the break up. Taking ownership of your part and being determined to do things differently next time will help you manage your anxiety after your break up in a big way.

#7 – Take care of yourself.

This is one of the most obvious, and perhaps the hardest, things to do after a break up – to take care of yourself!

I know that Netflix and ice cream is very attractive but if you aren’t eating well or getting off the couch or getting enough (or too much) sleep,  your anxiety will stay through the roof.

Do spend a week or so, if you need to, mourning the end of the relationship but then get up off the couch and get outside. Take a walk. Go for a bike ride. Eat some healthy food. Get enough sleep. Whatever the magic pill is for you to help you feel better while you are getting through this difficult time!

I know that it feels like managing your anxiety after a break up is next to impossible.

Anxiety is hard to manage and when it’s paired with a broken heart it’s even harder.

But it is possible to manage your anxiety with a little effort and awareness and you can do it!

And remember, this period of pain will pass. It might not go away completely for a while. But everyday that you don’t have contact with your ex is a day that you will be closer to healing. The way you are feeling now is not the way you will feel forever!

I promise!

 

7 Ways to Rekindle Love with Your Wife

/by

 

Marriage is long and hard and it’s easy for married couples to lose their way. To start taking each other for granted and to, sometimes, fall out of love.

But there are ways to rekindle love with your wife, if you are willing to make the time and the effort to do it. And it’s not that hard to do…you have done it before, when you were falling IN love.

What I would encourage you first and foremost to do is to talk to your wife about how you feel and what you want to do. That you are feeling some space in your marriage and that you are interested in finding each other again. It is important that both spouses are on board. If she just isn’t interested, don’t waste your time.

I did have a male client who worked for months to rekindle his marriage, only to have her ask for a divorce in the end. She was just going through the paces, not really invested in the outcome of his efforts.

So, after you have checked in with your spouse and agreed to move forward, here are 7 ways to rekindle your love with your wife.

#1 – Do things that you used to do together.

Remember when you and your wife first met, the things that you used to do together, the things that you did together that led to your falling in love?

Do you still do any of those things? I am guessing probably not. And if you do still do them, you probably don’t do them very often.

The past can be a powerful thing. Think about how you feel when you hear a song from your youth or smell something that reminds you of something in your past. Can’t you “feel†those things. Don’t they take you back to a moment in time that you can feel in your body, even if just for a moment?

So you can do with your wife, to help reignite your love.

I have a client who told me that, when he and his wife dated before their marriage, they did two things every weekend. They went for a long hike and took themselves out for margaritas afterwards. Getting up early in the morning and being on the trail before everyone else made them feel so close and earning those margaritas together made them feel like they were a team.

Since they have gotten married, those weekends together have disappeared. To be fair, weekends can be consumed with kids’ activities or work or commitments to extended family. But, also to be fair, some of their weekends were free. And yet, they didn’t take advantage of those free weekends to spend any time together.

I would encourage you to make the time to do the things that you and your wife used to do together. Get a babysitter for the kids. Plan ahead and have it on your calendar so that nothing else gets in they. Whatever it takes for you to spend time together doing the things that you used to love to do.

#2 – Do new things together.

On the flip side, I always encourage men who are looking to rekindle love with their wives is to do new things together.

We all tend to get into ruts, to do the same things over and over and over, especially when we have been married for a long time. And that kind of stagnation can kill the love in a marriage.

So, what are things that you and your wife can do together that is new? It can be as simple as going for a walk together every night or something a little more complicated like learning how to dance. Anything that will involve the two of you, side by side, learning something new that shakes up your life just a little bit.

#3 – Touch each other.

Be honest. How often do you and your wife touch each other? Other than maybe the occasionally married people sex, do you have the same kind of physicality that you used to have before you were married.

While I know that having more sex would be lovely, I would encourage to you to invest in a simpler form of physical touch – hugs and hand holding. Why? Because human beings communicate better with actions than words. Words can sometime come out wrong – a hug is always a hug. Something that makes you feel good.

They say that a 10 second hug every day can bring a couple together. And holding hands while driving in the car or taking a walk will connect you in a way that almost nothing else can.

So, take the time to touch your wife. It might feel weird to do at first if it’s something that you haven’t done for a while but you will grow to enjoy it very much. I promise.

rekindle love in your marriage

#4- Learn each other’s love language.

For many people, when they try to make their partner feel loved, they give their partner what they would need to feel loved. And then they don’t understand why it doesn’t work. The reason it doesn’t work is because what one person needs to feel loved might not work for another person. So, their efforts are in vain.

This is where the love languages come in. In theory, there are 5 love languages: physical touch, words of affirmation, acts of service, quality time and gift giving. If you can speak to your partner in their love language, they will feel loved.

When I was married, we didn’t know about the love languages. If we had, we would have known that my love language was quality time and his physical touch and we would have stopped giving each other acts of service!

So, learn each other’s love languages. It’s easy to do. Just go on to this website and take the quiz. Do it together!

#5- Use your words.

I hear the same thing over and over, from men and from women. “He/she doesn’t need me to tell them I love them. They know.†And, I tell them, over and over, that it isn’t necessarily true!

People need to hear that they are loved. That someone thinks that they are beautiful. That someone is proud of something that has been accomplished. It’s just human nature – affirmations can make us feel love and connected and nurtured.

So many couples, while they might have been good at this in the beginning, stop telling their partner how they feel about them as time goes on. As a result, neither one of them feels loved and connected and their feelings for each other fade.

This can be easily stopped if you both just start speaking up about what you see and how you feel.

I don’t mean to love bomb your partner. That won’t feel authentic. But when she walks in the room, tell her how great she looks. I promise you, the effects will be immediate.

#6 – Regular Check Ins.

I remember the summer that my husband and I decided to have a drink together every night after work. It was something that we had stopped doing once our kids took over our lives.

The pattern was that he would come home form work and I would be in the middle of dinner and homework and I would put him right to work. We would do everything that we needed to do for the rest of the night, falling into bed, exhausted, barely having acknowledged each other.

And this only disconnected us.

So, make an effort to check in at least weekly with your partner, even more if possible. Learn about what is going on in each other’s lives. How each other is feeling. What to can to support each other. Rebuild your connection so that you feel close to each other in a way you haven’t done for a while.

#7 – Talk about the future.

Talking about the future is something that couples do regularly when they are first together. Those heady days of falling in love and visualizing what the future could hold.

Unfortunately, talking about dreams for the future often gets put on hold during the chaos of married life. And, if there are dreams being considered, they are often just for oneself and not for a couple.

Talking about the future is a verbalization that you see each other together going forward. A confirmation that you know that your hopes and dreams for the future, no matter how distant, are aligned. This is an essential part of feeling connected.

My ex-husband and I used to talk about the future often. We were nervous about it because our marriage was struggling but still we talked about it. When he stopped wanting to talk about the future, I knew that it was a sign that our marriage was over.

So, keep looking ahead with your wife. It will make you excited about things to come!

I hope that you now see that it is possible to rekindle love with your wife.

I know that some of the things that I have listed might seem a little bit intimidating and of course they do – most or even all of them are things that you are out of practice doing. But that doesn’t mean that you can’t start up again.

You can do it!

 

5 Lies Your Married Men Will Tell You Over and Over

/by


I am guessing that, if you are reading this article, you are in a relationship with a married man and that it’s not going well. Or, perhaps, you are considering getting involved with a married man and you are doing some research ahead of time.

Good for you. Because getting involved with a married man is one of the most heartbreaking, soul crushing things that you could ever do.

Why? Because your entire relationship will be based on lies, some of them lies he doesn’t even know that he is telling.

There will be many lies that your married man will tell you – here are 5 of them.

#1 – That you are his top priority.

Does your married man always tell you that you are his top priority. That every choice he makes and everything that he does is with you at the top of his mind?

Even as he says these things, do his actions speak louder than his words? I am guessing yes – that you never, ever feel like a priority.

How can a man make you a priority when you are a secret? Your married man essentially has two lives – the real one in which he has a wife, a family, a social life, a career, perhaps even a pet, and then the one he has with you, inside your little bubble.

And societal exceptions are such that your married man must step up and take care of his family and his work and therefore, he must choose them every time. If he doesn’t, and he can’t give reason to why he is slacking, your man will lose face. He won’t feel like the man who he should be, living up to his responsibilities, and he won’t feel good about that.

So know that, every time, he will make his real life the priority, even if he doesn’t believe that he will. He will choose his real life over your birthday and when you are sick or when you are lonely.

I do believe that your married man might believe that he makes you a priority but the reality is that, even if he wanted to, he just can’t.

#2 – That he will leave his wife.

I know – this is one you lie you will hear over and over and over – that he will leave his wife and you will be together.

And, as much as your guy might want to believe that he will, he won’t.

Why? Because it’s not just about leaving his wife. It’s about leaving his kids and his social group and damaging his finances and disappointing people he cares about.

I have a client whose affair partner told her that he was ready to leave his wife. His wife had learned about the affair and was making his life miserable and he wanted out.

His wife gave him thirty days to make a choice – his wife or his affair partner. And, even though for 2 years he had told his affair partner that he wanted out of the marriage, and swearing that this time he was going to do it, he didn’t leave his wife. He stayed with the wife he didn’t want to be married to but also with the kids and the grandkids who he loved very much.

I know that you are thinking that your married man cares about you – very much – and that things will be different with you. And I am sure that he wants to be with you as well but, I am afraid, only in a parallel world – one where he can be with you and not hurt those he loves and destroy his finances.

#3 – That you are his soul mate.

Every single client I have ever had who had an affair told me that their affair partner was their soul mate. That they had a connection like none other and that they were cosmically meant to be together. I felt that way too, when I was having an affair with a married man, so I get it.

But, it’s bullshit, I am afraid.

The two of you have come together in a bubble. Everything that you share is magical because the time you have together is brief and intense. You don’t have to fight about money and kids.  You have amazing sex. You can tell each other anything. You even say you trust each other.

The reality is is that, on the most basic level, this guy is not your soul mate. How could your soul mate be someone who treats you this way. Someone who breaks promises and doesn’t do what he says he is going to do.

And, be honest with yourself. If you were with this guy in the real world, not the guy you believe that he could be but the guy he is right now, would you really live happily ever after? Or do you see some serious red flags that might have caused you to walk away from someone who wasn’t married and with whom you were just dating?

If you insist on thinking that your affair partner is your soul mate, consider this:  Elizabeth Gilbert, in “Eat Pray Love,†avers that soul mates are people who come into your life, shake things up and then walk away. And isn’t this what this guy has done? Hasn’t he woken you up to what you want in a relationship? Hasn’t he made you question how you make choices? Hasn’t it made you remember how good sex can be? Maybe you should walk away from your married man and find out who exactly YOU can be!

Again, while your married man might say that you are his soul mate, when you are lying in your bed at 2am, lonely again, ask yourself whether what he says is true.

#4 – That he doesn’t want to hurt you.

I am guessing that your affair partner tells you every day that he doesn’t want to hurt you. That he loves you and that you are his priority and that any pain that he causes you causes him pain as well.

And I’m guessing that he means it, to an extent. But if he really didn’t want to hurt you, he would give you what you needed instead of telling you one thing and doing something differently, instead of stringing you along, making you miserable.

Nobody wants to hurt someone who they care about. Your affair partner doesn’t want to hurt you, but he also don’t want to hurt his wife or his children so, in order to not hurt you, they must hurt them. And vice versa. And he knows this.

Again, this one is most likely not an intentional lie, and it is something that he says that he doesn’t want to do but it is something that he will do over and over.

So every time your partner says that he doesn’t want to hurt you, just know that he’s lying. That he will continue to hurt you over and over because he will never make you a priority and will choose to hurt you over hurting his wife and family.

#5 – That his unhappiness is all his wife’s fault.

I also have to say, quite bluntly, that it’s just bullshit if your married man is telling you that him being unhappy is all his wife’s fault.

I can’t tell you how many times my clients tell me that their affair partner’s wife refuses to have sex with them, or treats them horribly or never listens to them or has lost all respect for them or any other horrible thing that he believes to be true in his marriage.

But think about it. I’m sure you have friends who are in unhappy relationships, and they don’t always treat their partners as well as they might because of their unhappiness. I am sure you have even been there. None of them are bad people – they are just unhappy.

And bad behavior doesn’t happen in a void. One person doesn’t just become evil while the other one stands innocently by, unbelieving.

Remember, there are two people in every relationship and two different perspectives about that relationship. If you believe that your affair partners wife is everything that he says she is, you’ll just be believing a lie.

Furthermore, know that,  if you do end up with him, you might someday be the person he will blame if your relationship has trouble. You want to be with someone who recognizes his role around difficulties in a relationship and not blame them all on someone else.

So there you go, five lies your married men will tell you, over and over and over.

Nobody wants to lie and, more likely not, your married man doesn’t believe that he is lying. He believes that he is the man he is presenting to you. He believes that you are his top priority and that he will leave his wife and that you are his soulmate and that his unhappiness is his wife’s fault. But the reality is, he is a product of wishful thinking. He is somebody who wants to have his cake and eat it too. He is someone who hasn’t taken any responsibility for issues in his relationship.

As a result, to protect himself, he lies, over and over.

Do you want to be in a relationship with somebody who lies to you again and again? If your married man wasn’t married and you were just in a regular relationship, would you put up with these kind of lies?

I’m guessing not.

Don’t put up with them in this situation. Walk away…you deserve more.

9 Things that Make Men Vulnerable to Having an Affair

/by


I believe that no one sets out to have an affair. That affairs are things that, more often than not, result from issues entirely unrelated to the affair itself.

Understanding what those issues are so that they can be dealt with before an affair destroys lives is the best way to keep one’s love life healthy and on track.

#1 — Loneliness.

This is probably the most obvious reason that someone might embark on an affair. If one is lonely, they are vulnerable to getting into any kind of relationship, including an affair.

Many men are exhausted from dating apps and wasted time going on dates with women who aren’t right. When someone appears in their life, married or not, who they are emotionally and physically attracted to, they see someone who can assuage their loneliness.

Unfortunately, this “cure†for loneliness will be a fleeting one as being involved in an affair ultimately only leads to more loneliness and despair.

Don’t use loneliness as excuse to get involved with someone you shouldn’t get involved with — and don’t use it as an excuse to stay in an affair when you know that you shouldn’t!

#2 – Feeling ignored.

For many of my male clients, feeling ignored is a big factor in why they get involved with someone who isn’t their partner.

In many relationships, particularly long term ones or ones with children, men go from being a priority in their partner’s life to being someone who is pretty far down on the priority list. And, because men don’t like to make a fuss, they tend to keep quiet about their dissatisfaction with their place on the ladder.

Unfortunately, staying quiet only fuels the unhappiness of being ignored which makes a man vulnerable when another person comes along, someone who does make them a priority and makes them feel loved.

#3 – Needing sex.

Men need sex. Women do too of course but, for most men I have spoken to, sex is a driving force in their lives, something they think about almost every minute of every day.

When a man is in a relationship with someone who they used to have sex with but with whom sexual encounters are now rare, they often develop a yearning for sex that can, at times, be overpowering. Even worse for many men, their partners continue to have sex with them but only because they feel like they must.

As a result, when someone comes along who not only will have sex with them but who fully desires them, cheating becomes a previously unconsidered possibility. Their sexual drive can take over from their logical thinking and they can fall into infidelity before they even know it.

#4 — Commitment issues.

I know that it almost seems like a trope that men have commitment issues but, like women, they do.

Perhaps they have been deeply hurt before and don’t want to be again. Perhaps they are afraid of abandonment such as a parent did to them. Perhaps they don’t want to give up their independence. Perhaps they are concerned their career will suffer. Perhaps they just aren’t ready to settle down.

For whatever reason, men who are in relationship often self-sabotage because of these fears.

Why are men who have commitment issues vulnerable to having an affair? Because in an affair, particularly if your affair partner is married, you don’t have to commit. In an affair you get to have fun times and sex when you want it and then go back to your regular life and to the partner you are scared to commit to.

Do you have commitment issues? If yes, consider if that’s why you are considering this affair and how it relates to those issues and consider if perhaps addressing those commitment issues instead of ignoring them would be a good idea.

#6 – Something big is happening.

Many of my clients have had affairs when something big is happening in their lives.

One client had an affair when their mother was dying. One had an affair when they lost their job. One had an affair when they were struggling with depression.

Why does having something big happening in one’s life tie into having an affair?

Because affairs give people the hit of dopamine, that feel-good chemical, that helps them manage their emotions temporarily. An affair distracts them from the difficulties of the world. In an affair, they most likely have a partner they can discuss difficult issues with safely.

So, if you are going through something big and are reading this article, know that considering having an affair might be directly related to that.

#5 — Their father did it.

I know — we all believe that we can break away from the patterns that our fathers taught us. After all, we are younger and wiser and times have changed, correct? Nope.

My father had affair after affair and they played out all through my childhood and adolescent years. I remember going to the office with him when I was in third grade and knew that the woman I met was having an affair with my dad. Over the years, my siblings and I were lied to and deceived and watched our mom fall further into despair. We had no idea what a healthy relationship looked like.

So, what happened? I had an affair. I knew that I was repeating history, but I just couldn’t stop it from happening (or I could but didn’t fight it hard enough!)

Did your father cheat? If yes, try to break the generational trauma and don’t let yourself sink down into an affair.

#6 — The past.

One of my clients had an affair on his wife with his college girlfriend. They had reconnected by chance online. Their relationship had ended badly but as soon as they met up all the old feelings came rushing back. Soon, they were involved in an affair that was exciting and took them back to their glory days. Unfortunately, their trip down memory lane hurt a lot of people.

In this time of ubiquitous social media, this happens way too often. People reconnect with an old love and it takes them back their younger days, when the future was bright and love was easy. That being said, the past is the past and your ex is your ex for a reason.

So, don’t be fooled into thinking that a past love is the right person for you. They aren’t! (Bummer, I know!)

#7 — An unhappy marriage.

This is most the most common reason that men have affairs — because they are in an unhappy marriage.

I always say that people who have affairs are trying to fill a hole in their life. That some piece of their marriage is missing and that it’s easier to move on to someone new than try to address the issue at home.

And to make things even worse, when someone’s emotional and/or physical needs are being met elsewhere, the desire to work on a relationship vanishes so those issues just never get addressed. As a result, the need for the affair persists – a dangerous thing for all.

#8 – Self esteem issues.

Many men who enter into affairs have self-esteem issues.

Some of these issues are deep seated, hailing back from childhood. Some are the result of being in an unhappy relationship where they aren’t treated well. Some are the result of life circumstances, like losing a job.

Whatever the reason, men with self-esteem issues are very vulnerable to having an affair. Why?

Because the affair makes them feel good about themselves. They feel loved. They feel heard. They feel wanted and are praised for their sexual prowess. And they get that feel-good dopamine hit that can immediately raise someone out of a dark place, albeit temporarily.

#9 – Wanting to be admired.

We all want to be admired for who we are and how we look and the things that we do.

Unfortunately, for people in long term relationships, admiration often has been put to the side. It’s not necessarily because the partners no longer admire each other (although that is often the case after a thousand little cuts over the years). It’s because people start taking each other for granted. They no longer see the things that they used to praise their partner for. They don’t do it on purpose but they do do it.

People having affairs are awash with admiration. Their affair partner thinks that they are perfect, that everything they do is perfect, and they tell them that repeatedly. Unfortunately, like any relationship, with time this seeing your person as the ideal fades as their humanness becomes evident so an affair is a short term fix to a long term problem.

So there you go – 9 reasons why a man might be vulnerable to having an affair.

No one wants to have an affair. No one wants to cheat on someone they care about or do something that doesn’t feel good. But affairs happen, for a variety of reasons.

If someone can understand what it is in him that might be leading him down the path to an affair, he just might seek a means of addressing those issues before things get out of control.

5 Things to Consider Before Dating Again After a Long-Term Marriage

/by


Are you thinking about dating again after a long-term marriage? Are you newly divorced and eager to get out there into the world of dating?

Is the idea of doing so incredibly scary?

For me, and for many of my clients, the idea of dating after divorce was very intimidating but we did so nonetheless, eager to find love again. And many of us did find that love and you can too!

The key to finding that love is going into dating consciously so that you can do things differently this time round and find the person, and the relationship, you seek.

#1 – Take your time.

Many people who are interested in dating again after a long-term marriage jump in too quickly. I know that you are probably feeling lonely and scared that you’ll never find someone to love but rushing into it, just like rushing into anything, can lead to failure and heartbreak.

A general rule of thumb for someone for when to get into a new relationship is two years after the divorce is final. This doesn’t mean you can’t start dating before that, but getting into a new relationship is not a wise move.

For those of us who have been divorced for a while, when we encounter someone who is newly separated or still not divorced, we steer clear. Why? Because people who are newly separated or still going through their divorce are people who are very emotional. They are people who are very vulnerable. They are people who require more care than somebody wants to give in the early stages of dating.

Just a few months after my husband left me, I fell into a relationship with a man who I thought was going to be the love of my life. He was hesitant about getting into a relationship with me, but was willing to do so because our connection was so strong. However, I was still very emotional about everything that was happening and he just didn’t have the patience for it. It wasn’t that he didn’t care about me, but he had been through his own divorce and he didn’t want to relive it again.

So, if you are thinking about dating again, I encourage you to take those first steps if you want to, but to not jump into a relationship until you’re done fully, processing your emotions around the end of your marriage and the technicalities of your divorce.

#2 – Make sure you know what went wrong in your marriage.

A mistake that many people who start dating again after a long-term marriage make is not taking some time to figure out why their marriage ended.

The divorce rate for people in second marriages is higher than the divorce rate for people in first marriages. Why? Because people don’t try to understand what happened in their marriage. They just jump into a second marriage because they are unhappy being alone or are looking for the financial security that one gets in a marriage. However, they don’t know what went wrong in their first marriage, what their role in the demise of that marriage might’ve been. As a result, they make the same mistakes in their new relationship.

Have you taken the time to reflect on your marriage? Do you understand the things that led to the divorce? Do you understand your role in the end of your marriage?

If you have done your work, proceed with the dating and have fun! If you haven’t, I would encourage you to take the time to do so. Perhaps talking to a therapist or a life coach who can help you step back and take a look at what happened would be very helpful.

Even if you aren’t thinking about dating again, taking the time to reflect on your long-term marriage and what you might have done differently will be an excellent step as far as healing as you move forward.

#3 – Take stock of what you want to be different.

Once you have taken the time to understand what went wrong in your marriage, now it’s time to take stock of how you want things to be different in your new relationship.

Many people make a list of the traits they they want in the person they’re looking for, and that is helpful, but it’s important to understand more about how someone makes you feel as opposed to traits that they have.

After all, you could find a guy who is really funny but perhaps he makes you feel insecure. Or somebody who’s financially successful but who makes you feel abandoned.

I would encourage you to start with making a list of the traits you would like to see in someone and then taking stock of what of how that trait would make you feel.

If you’re looking for somebody who enjoys quality time, what does that look like for you, specifically? If you’re looking for someone who will love your children, how must they make you feel about that?

Just like we do in any area of our life, we take the time to define what we want in any situation. If we don’t do this, it’s really hard to get what we want.

#4 – Make sure you are dating for the right reasons.

It is essential that, if you want to start dating again after your divorce, you are doing so for the right reasons.

As previously stated, many people jump back into dating for the wrong reasons. It’s not so much that they are ready to fall in love again, as it is that they are feeling insecure about their place in the world. After being part of a couple for many years, suddenly being on their own out in the world is a scary thing. Perhaps they’re worried about financial security. Perhaps they’re scared that they’ll never love or be loved again. Perhaps they just are uncomfortable being alone.

Do you know why you want to start dating again? Is it because your friends are pressuring you to do so? Is it because you don’t enjoy being the odd man out in social situations? Is it because you need someone around to help you manage your car and your taxes?

As you take stock of what you want in a new relationship, also take stock of whether right now is the time for you to start dating or if perhaps you’re not quite ready.

Doing so for the wrong reasons might only lead to heartbreak, something you really don’t need any more of after your divorce.

#5 – Take care of yourself.

An essential part of dating again after the end of your marriage is taking care of yourself.

Dating is hard. It’s something you haven’t done for a while and something that you are out of practice at.

Dating takes a lot of focus and energy, things that can be hard to access in this crazy world we live in. Focusing on dating exclusively might lead to you not putting energy into other places in your life, like your work or your kids which would not be good.

Dating also involves rejecting and being rejected. It can lead to heartbreak. It can lead to insecurity. It’s important that you have awareness of this before you go into dating and that your self-esteem is strong enough to manage it all.

I know I’m making it seem like dating is a horrible thing, and maybe even discouraging you from trying it, and that is not my goal. I had a lot of fun on dates and made some great friends, including someone who introduced me to my now husband. But dating is fraught and delicate and frustrating so make sure that, as you go through this journey, you don’t neglect your self-care.

Make sure that you spend time with friends, do things that you love, get enough sleep, food, and exercise. All of these things will keep you emotionally and physically strong as you embark on this journey. In any case, these things are essential to living a good life.

So there you go – 5 things to take into consideration before embarking on dating again after long term marriage.

Good for you for feeling brave enough to get out in the world and do something that you haven’t had to do for a long time. It’s not an easy thing to even consider dating again after divorce, but the fact that you are trying to learn more about if and when you should get started will lead you to success.

So make sure you don’t hurry into a new relationship. Make sure you know what you want and what went wrong in your marriage. Take care of yourself.

Enjoy the ride. You have a whole new life ahead of you and you will find the love you see. I promise.

Connect with Mitzi

© Copyright 2024 – Let Your Dreams Begin